Drama Queens - Work In Progress: Torrey DeVitto

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

Millennials will know Torrey DeVitto from some of the hottest TV shows of the early 2000s, such as One Tree Hill, The Vampire Diaries, and Pretty Little Liars!  The 'Chicago Med' alum joins Sophia to chat about their time together on One Tree Hill, including how she emotionally prepared to play such an unstable character as Nanny Carrie and what it was like dealing with fan reactions on social media and in person. The actress also reveals what it was like growing up in a spiritual and rock n' roll household with a dad who was Billy Joel's drummer!  Plus, Torrey opens up about why it was so important to share her personal experience with abortion, how her family felt about her going public, and the current threat to women's health.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Hello, my whipsmarties. This week I am so, so excited because we're doing a bit of a crossover between drama queens and work in progress. my lovely co-star friend and absolute light of our gal-pal world from Winery Hill, Tori DeVito, is here today. You all know her from our show as playing the wild and crazy nanny Carrie, which she did so beautifully. You might also know her from Pretty Little Liars, The Vampire Diaries, or Chicago Med. Tori is such an amazing person. She is an outspoken advocate for animals.

She incorporates conscious decisions into every aspect of her life. She works on awareness and prevention against sexual assault and violence, serving on the board of directors for Safe Bay. And she is just all around, one of the most inspiring people that I know. I'm really excited to talk to her today about her personal journey, her career, her advocacy, her engagement, and more. I do just want to go ahead and give a little disclaimer here. that there are parts of our conversation that touch on sexual assault and sexual violence today. So I want you to have a trigger warning and feel, you know, okay to listen to this conversation. And if you don't, that's okay too. We love you. Let's dive in with Tori.

good. How are you? I'm good. I'm so excited that we get to do this. I know. Me too. Are you in Michigan? I am. I am. I'm at my mom's house because it's too rainy for good Wi-Fi at the farm, so. Oh. Yeah. You sweet soul. Well, we'll have to say thank you to your mom. Yeah. Okay. I actually, I love that you're talking about being at your moms because part of what I love to do with people on the show is like take a big rewind because everybody knows you as you are as this adult woman, this successful actor, they know you from TV. But I always like to rewind with people and see if from this vantage point now, if you look at your history and like if you were to observe yourself at eight or nine years old, would you recognize Tori as a child? Like do you see a through line in your

personality or performing or were you a totally different kid i have i it's funny because i've questioned that before and luckily for me i've been journaling my whole life so i recently found journals from when i was like six and seven and i'm the same it almost was a little disconcerting i was like how am i still questioning all the things that i'm questioning now then like why have i not you know i feel Like, am I lacking my evolution a little bit? What? So, yeah, obviously, but I loved, you know, I loved musical theater then. I love big voices then.

I still love big voices. I'm very dramatic in that way, always have been. So, yeah, she hasn't changed that much. Oh, I love that. I guess I think it's sort of cool if you consider that as an adult, you're asking questions that are similar to the ones you were asking as a kid. maybe that just means you were a really wise kid you know yeah i mean some something's there for sure yeah i mean yeah it's interesting it's like i was questioning life i was really into spirituality but

i didn't understand it so to me it like came in different waves of oiji board and then angels and greek mythology and i didn't understand what anything was but i was asking very similar questions it's so weird. Are you asking questions about spirituality now? I mean, all the time, every day. I feel like to once, because I feel like I love to dabble in everything. So I'm always, I love reading different books about different things and, you know, different forms of expression of spirituality and different healing methods and all this stuff. And I'm constantly, you know, I just, I really believe that anything is possible and nothing's possible. So might as well have fun. Like, that's like what I always go back to.

But yeah, I never set on just one thing when it comes to my spiritual journey. Do you know what I mean? It's colorful. It's a rainbow. It's constantly evolving. Yeah, I feel that way too. And I think for me, again, it's like maybe it's everything. Maybe it's nothing.

I can ask the question of myself and think, well, maybe it's because I grew up in such a mixed bag family. And so I wanted to understand what everyone in my family believed, which was all different. And then I wanted to understand what other families believed. And for me, it's like pulling on the thread, in a way, makes me realize everyone essentially believes the same thing, even though there are so many different versions of that thing to believe in. And I sort of love that. I love that there's so many options. And in a way, I think it helps me feel like I don't need to win and I don't need to know

who's right, but I do think it's kind of special that humans are, that we're looking for something a little bit bigger, that we're looking for some sort of a purpose. And I just always come back to like, maybe we're all fascinated about spirituality or religion, because really what we're fascinated about is each other. And like, that's where we make our communities. Totally. I do, I totally agree that. I do feel like everyone is constantly looking for that something bigger or looking for a way to be tethered, whether they know it or not. have, right? It's like, you know, I do believe that we are all souls and we do connect through that soul connection. And so, you know, I have heard, you know, and I love this book, of course,

Miracles. And they talk about how being an individual body is a very human experience and something that our souls are not really meant to do. So we are always looking for that connection because being so individual is like an alien experience. Yeah. Yeah, I always found that it's actually kind of cool too because it makes me think of something else about your childhood because I know when you were growing up your dad was a drummer for billy joel and and when I think about artists of that sort of size and scope and like what it's like to be in an arena tour right like it is a spiritual experience when you get that many people in a room and everyone is like singing to the same songs and dancing to the same music I remember hearing regina specter a

couple years ago talking about what it was like to play big festivals. And she said, you know, when you play a festival, it's the only time you get 100,000 people together for love instead of for war. And I was like, oh my God. I just gave me chills. Right? I'd never thought about it that way. Was it, I almost wonder if growing up, like, on tour and around music of that level, like, I wonder if that made you really spiritually curious, too. Yeah. You know, I never thought it that way, but it's so true. It's the one time you get everybody who has totally different opinions there for the same reason. That's really cool. No, I don't know. I mean, I do think that, you know, I grew up going to church with my mother. I grew up in the rock and roll industry

with my mother and my father. So it was like a mixed bag of so much stuff, so many opinions, so many different people. And so I think from a very young age, I don't. I don't. I don't. I did realize, like, oh, we're all just humans trying to figure it out. Nobody hasn't figured it out. And at the end of the day, we all just want love, you know? And so, you know, no matter who it was. And so I do think getting to grow up in that environment, meeting so many different people definitely had its impact on my view.

It also helped me when I got into this business, because I remember, especially when I first started, you meet all these people. And, you know, you're on these, like, silly shows or whatever. And you get these, like, big attitudes, which I know you've dealt with before. And it's like, I'm sorry. What? Some of the, like, you know, most I caught, like, Stevie Nix for God's sake. And she doesn't act like this.

Like, come on, what are we doing here? So it gave me that perspective of, like, we are just people. We're just having fun. Like, what is the attitude to get down and match? Yeah, it's like if you're lucky enough to get to do this work, you should, you should you should remember how sort of silly it is. Like, it's a big deal, and it's also not. It's both.

Yeah. Was it? Totally. When you started working, because I know, you know, you started modeling and then you started acting, did you always know that you wanted to be an actor? Was there like a motivation there for you? No. So I grew up playing violin since I was six.

And I used to travel when I was high school overseas. I played in a big orchestra in Florida. I always thought that was. was going to be my past so I did enjoy performing um but then I kind of like fell into an acting class because I started modeling and I didn't like it and I was very shy and so the photographer told my mom she was like you should put her in an acting class to kind of open her up and I was like oh this is what I like not that um and then I remember my dad sitting me down in my bedroom and he was like look I see where you want to go to L.A. for acting after high school, and I think that's great. He's like,

I went on my first tour when I was 18. I feel like I'm passing the baton. Like, go ahead. He was like, but I feel like you need to choose. He's like, try to be great at what you do. Like, I see you dabbling in so many different things. And he's like, you know, if violence's going to be the main focus, make it that. If acting is going to be the main focus, make it that. And it's so kind of interesting because I really took that to heart for so long. And there's kind of two parts to that. I was so appreciative because my dad taught me work ethic. My dad lives, sleeps, eats drums.

He is a drummer. He would die without music. Like, I always do it was like music and then us. Like I swear, that man is music. May I'm not that way. There is not one thing that is totally captured me in that way. I love dabbling. I really do.

I love writing. I love acting. I love music. I love this. One day I love this. One day I love that. And I always felt a little insignificant because of that for a while. And then I had to learn that, okay, just because my dad is a master of one,

doesn't mean I can't be a jack of all trades. Like I had to learn that in my own way because I had this enormous pressure of my dad saying, be a master at something, don't be a jack of all trades. And I was like, oh, God, what does that mean? So that was like a really cool gift. And then, you know, I had somebody say to me, they were like, well, if everybody was a master, we would have no masters. And I was like, oh my God, yes, I am the jack of all trades.

I am not the master of one craft. So it was really cool to know that about yourself because I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be so great at that one thing. And not everybody's built for that, you know? I totally agree. And I think especially when you're a deeply curious person and really as actors, part of what makes us interesting is that we go out and we experience all these different things and then we come back and tell a story about them and i think you know if you're just so

focused on the one thing i don't know i would think as an actor it would actually sort of narrow your ability to do your job yeah that's really interesting i never thought of it that way either because yeah we do have to we have to learn so many different crafts within our craft to honor whatever character we're playing at a time yeah yeah it's so different every time i mean if you think about like even the two universes we've worked in together from one tree hill to the you know Chicago universe like who could be more different than Brooke Davis and Nanny Carey to like me playing a cop and you playing a doctor like we literally have to learn such different skill sets it's kind of crazy and you I mean what what a wild experience too when you think about like

version one of us because not only did you come in and I know we talked about this a lot on drama queens but I'll ask you some questions about it um here today anyway but i think about like not only you playing nanny carry on our show on one tree hill but you were on one tree hill and pretty little liars um and and vampire and you were on vampire diaries so it's like three of our sort of most iconic shows of this like decade span um in you know teen focused television was that wild for you? Were you just like, oh, there's something I'm meant to do in this universe?

Like, what was that experience like doing three big pillar properties like that? It was pretty trippy because at one point I was doing all three at the same. No, no, no, I was just doing vampire hours and pretty large at the same time, I think. But yeah, they came right after one tree. It was pretty trippy because it felt it. I was like, what do you second? I grew up watching shows like this. And now, like, the three that are really here right now, like, I'm doing a thing on all the, like, it was, it was a pretty, it's still, it's a pretty experience. I have to be honest. Because you have, like, you know, when somebody comes up, they're like, oh, you're also, oh, my God, you're also. And I'm like, yeah, that's like, like, not to like be like, oh, good job. But it was like, you know, it's just really all luck. We auditioned for how many things a year and we get, like, maybe one, too. So it is weird that they all happen to be in that same kind of team.

pop culture environment, but yeah, I really, I'm so grateful for that because there's no one that controls this world more than teens, especially teen girls. And so I always say, like, I feel like I have my career because of teen girls, really. We love them. That's so neat. We love them. We'll be back in just a minute, but here's a word from our sponsors. So you did share with us on the other show about this, but for our work in progress listeners, what felt really important to you when you were playing Nanny Carey? Because all of us brought up to you when we discussed this at first

that it was such a, like such a wild role. And you brought that, you know, horror movie level, fear to all of us through this person, but you also really humanized her. You didn't just play her as a villain. And was it hard to kind of wrap your head around becoming that person every day when you had to go to work? Yeah, you know, it was interesting because I think that one of the things that's important about doing a character is you have to find sympathy for your character. And when I put together and learned that she had lost a son of her own, a child of her own, and I thought to myself, like, I can't imagine what that must do to the psyche.

And I allowed that loss and grief to drive her to basically break, you know, her sanity and do all the things that she did. Then after that it was like, not that it was easy to do those things, but I had such a justification for it. And I felt so bad for her. Do you know what I mean? Like, it felt so bad for her. And then it was so, it was so easy and so fun to show up for it. Because I remember it was the first time in my career where I was like, oh, my God. Like, I'm not just like playing the girlfriend or the way.

You know, like I get to like emotionally show up and do things. Like somebody's allowing me to do things. So it was like, that was beyond thrilling. Yeah. Yeah. And it is fun to play someone who's crazy. like to get to lean in and just do wild things out of the ordinary as an actor is so exciting totally i always said it for free therapy yeah i mean did you enjoy it like were there days

where you just thought oh i'm really going to lean into this and make this so wild and just have a ball totally i enjoyed it so much i mean obviously in the moment i was so like oh intense about wanting to make sure that i was like gonna nail it but when you leave you and you know that feeling of exhaustion after putting yourself out there emotionally and you just feel depleted, but it's like the best feeling in the world as an actor when you go home with that level

of exhaustion knowing, I did it. You know what I mean? I did my job the way I wanted to do it because there's nothing worse than when you come home from a scene and you're like, oh, I couldn't get there. I didn't do it the way I wanted to. Dang it. I wish I could do it again. But when you walk away and you're like,

oh, yes. No matter what anybody says about it, I know I walked away from that scene, feeling like I nailed it. So screw what everybody else says, right? And I did feel that way a lot in that season of the show when she was the crazy nanny. So that always felt so good. That's really exciting. Was it an interesting thing to go from playing a villain on our show and then going into

Pretty Little Liars and playing another character that garnered a lot of very strong reaction from the fans. I mean, how did you kind of process that? Because I know, you know, I know for Paul, for example, on One Tree Hill playing Dan Scott, he got a lot of really intense feedback from fans. And, you know, as we were on One Tree Hill and then you went on to Pretty Little Liars, social media had launched. Was it hard to kind of be on the receiving end of online, you know, criticism and anger at your characters? Or did you always have a good relationship to being able to to separate the two. It was bizarre because people were very angry, especially with One Tree Hill.

Pretty little liars, my character started off very questionable and very, like, she was not her moment of being likable, but was unlikable kind of from the beginning. So that was kind of who she was. But with One Tree Hill, like people were mad because they loved Joy and James together. And it was like, how dare you come in here? And I was like, okay, it's not real. It's not real. So it was exciting because you always feel like, oh, I must be doing something right.

If people are this upset, I did get nervous sometimes when people will come up to me in public and like, I hate you. And you're like, okay. That was weird. I always thought it was funny when I would actually meet friends of friends. And they'd be like, oh, my God, you're so nice. I wasn't expecting you to be this nice. And I'm like, oh, my God. That's bizarre.

that somebody has like a preconceived notion that I might be a horrible bitch. You know what I mean? You're like, wait, what? But, you know, I find obviously, obviously, more and more difficult is when those shows become popular and then rather than just thinking about your character and getting mad at your character,

people start deducing things about you, like you outside your character. And when those attacks come in, that's a whole different tough skin. I'm sure you know. that you have to build. And that's the most challenging part out of all this, I think, for sure. I totally agree.

And especially because as humans, we already carry self-doubt, we are so worried about, you know, ever hurting other people, all of these things that are just what it's like to exist in the world. And then you're trying to bolster yourself, but you're on the receiving end of the opinions of millions of people. And I think people forget that, that, like, people assume that, you know, quote-unquote fame builds you up, but actually what it does is it just widens the sort of firing squad that you face every day in addition to the firing squad of your own mind.

And so it can be really hard, I think, to figure out how to hold on to your sense of self and not allow, you know, the cacophony of other people's critiques to penetrate you. Especially when they're not based in fact, you know they're not true. And you're like, wait, what's happening to me? Right. When you see these outlandish rumors about yourself or something, you're like, where did this even get concocted from? Who created this?

Who at the time to create this? And then you want to say, you want to write the wrongs. And you're like, oh, my gosh, I would be wasting so much energy. You just can't litigate it. You can't, you can't. But I thought to my, because I was kind of freaked out, I was like, you know, thought is energy, right? So if I have all these people directing energy towards me every day that have to be hitting me in some way. So one of my really, really good friends, she was like, okay, I want you to sit at night.

She's like, create like a hologram version of yourself and connect that to the outside world. And that's where the comments will be directed to. guess what you guys you're not hitting me anymore you're hitting my hologram that's so smart though to create a sort of um a practice of separating yourself from that yeah you have to separate it and then physically separating myself clearly from being in michigan with like a huge physical separation which is so lovely yeah i mean that's pretty incredible it's interesting because you know to your point That kind of energy and the input of all these people, I think, can make it really hard to go out and, you know, stand in public spaces and something that you and I have in common is like, we are here to serve. We're outspoken women. We try to do as much good with our platforms as we can and show up as advocates and activists. And that can put a target on your back. And then, you know, we're in this crazy upside down world that we're in now where, you know, decades. generations of progress for people and for women in particular are being rolled back. And I was so

grateful after Dobbs was overturned, you publicly shared a story that you've shared, you know, privately in your community, but you talked about having had abortion care at 21. And having the self-awareness to know that you really have to shield yourself from negativity. in these big public spaces, how did you decide to sort of leap over that hurdle knowing that you were absolutely going to make women feel less alone, but also knowing that that was going to expose like, you know, your personal life and your trials and tribulations to strangers? Like, how do you decide when to kind of bear your soul for the potential to help other people? yeah I don't know for me it's just like it becomes an all-encompassing feeling right like I respect like

some people get so hard on certain people for not using their voices especially certain actors or musicians or celebrities and I always think to myself I'm like how can you judge that like it is not it is very scary to put yourself out there your opinions out there people are scary do you know People are scary, and some people want to protect themselves and their families, and they have every right to do that. And so, but for me, like, I don't have that feeling. I feel like it's more important for me to get that out there, to make other women feel like they're less alone, to get this story out there for the greater good. And I'm willing to take that risk. And I respect those who are not willing to take that risk, you know?

And so that's kind of how it happened. You know, I had an abortion at 21, a miscarriage at 29, and I had to take the abortion pills at 29, and I had an abortion. So either way, without those, like, with my miscarriage, I would have died if that stuff would have stayed inside of me. And so people don't understand that it's such a broader conversation. And so for me, I would like, I have to share this because it is so scary where we're getting to. It is so, so scary. And I, it's unfathomable as well. And so, but I will say my mother

hates it. She loves it because she, she loves who I am and what I stand for. But she's like, people are so scary. I hate that you, oh my, I'm like, mom, just trust. Everything's okay, you know? But yeah, I think, I'm sure your parents feel the same way, your family members sometimes. Yeah, they get really scared. But it was a part of your back like that. Yeah. For sure. I think it's scarier for the people who love us than it is for us sometimes. I agree. Yeah, that's a really good way to put it. Because for me, it does, I think in the way you're discussing it, it feels like an inevitability. Like showing up and talking about these things is something I feel called to do. Like, I have to do it. And yeah, it's terrifying for the people

that love me because they know what comes with that. And I think, but I think it's all connected. did, right? Like, people who want to deny that reproductive care is healthcare. Like, you're talking about your experience having a miscarriage, which so many of the women in our community have been through. So many of us have dealt with, you know, all the trials and tribulations of fertility. And it is unbearably complex. And people don't want to acknowledge that what we're talking about is health care. What we're talking about are our medical procedures. And I think to your, point when you can just lay the facts bear, you can remind people of what reality looks like. And, you know, we all saw a couple weeks ago when Alabama banned IVF. And then there were doctors

that were like, well, we're doing this so people can have more babies. And it's like, IVF is how people have babies. Like, you don't even know what the procedure is and you're making laws about it. Like, maybe let's leave this stuff up to the doctors, you know? Right. Right. I mean, It all falls under, too. Like, I just, if they even understood the complexity of a female body in general, maybe, maybe just a little bit of this. Could you imagine? Could you imagine?

It is really so wild. But I do think that the more we can destigmatize the conversations, the more we can have frank discussions about medical procedures and how people plan and choose their families, you know, the more we. can also set not only ourselves but all women and people who want to have families up to have the futures that they want when they are capable of having those things and that that feels like an important part of the conversation too yes that's very big important part of the conversation yeah i would imagine you know as as we said the internet can be loud and toxic but i would also imagine that there were a lot of people, you know, fans and friends alike who were probably so grateful that you opened up that conversation in the week of you having it publicly. What was that

kind of experience like for you? That connectivity is, I feel like, what being a human being is supposed to feel like. Certain messages I was receiving of, I feel less alone. I feel seen. Thank you for saying this and also I had a lot of friends that reached out that were like I don't feel comfortable using my voice like this but this also happened to me so thank you and it was like this is what being part of a community being a woman being collectively women together you know being human beings together um being female identifying persons together yeah and so that makes it all worth it That turns that into that moment of like, I can't not do this. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Does that make you really want to continue to stay active and involved and, you know, add women's reproductive freedoms to the long list of all the groups that you advocate for already? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It is going to be a lifelong fight of mine for sure. And, you know, I hope that the battle we're in right now doesn't take all my life to get out of. But I'm sure other things will pop up within the female reproductive rights, female rights.

You know, there's a huge category filled with things. But yes, it's something that's so, so important to me. You know, I have so many women in my family. It's crazy. We're cousins alike. I have like sisters. I have three sisters, a ton of female cousins. so many aunts my grandma basically raised all of us was like a matriarchy of our family and so it's

like i just grew up around so many females and i still so many females that it's like i can't not do you know what i mean it's just it's too important yeah i totally feel that too are there nonprofits or organizations that you've started working with that you're really inspired by Yeah, I've started working with the National Abortion Foundation, NAF, N-A-F, whom I really love. I've done a lot of stuff with Planned Parenthood. Yeah. And then also, I know this isn't, you know, reproductive rights, but I still work with Safe Bay, who that is so important to me because we go in and we talk to high schoolers and even middle schoolers, believe it or not, about sexual consent and their rights. and the things that are protecting them in schools that they don't even know are protecting them

and how they have to knowledge themselves because a lot of adults don't even know this information and getting to them when they're young. And I'm so inspired by young people these days. They have knowledge and courage that I couldn't have even dreamt of when I was in high school. These kids, they want knowledge. And so that to me, like being able to connect with the younger generation, like that, to show them their no, show them their power, show them their yeses is so amazing and important to me. And that's the work that Safe Bay that does that I love. That's really

incredible. We'll be back in just a minute after a few words from our favorite sponsors. Some of the things that have been so inspiring for me to learn about when we have conversations like this, you know, conversations around consent, conversations around how to have you know, these discussions with young people is that the more informed they are and the more that they see themselves in stories, the more they're also able to identify what is happening to them. And, you know, it's one of these big conversations we're having around book banning, right? Is there's groups saying, well, you know, kids shouldn't read stories like this. And it's like, well, if kids read stories about sexual abuse, if they read stories about consent, if they

read stories about healthy relationships. They can identify their experiences in those stories, and actually they're much more prone to have safe relationships, safe sex eventually, you know, safe relations with each other. And that's something that I find, to your point, so inspiring about right now is we have more research than ever. We know what works and what doesn't. Like we have all the proven metrics at our fingertips, and we can do better for kids than anybody ever did for us, for sure.

Absolutely. You know, nobody gave me this information when I was growing up. And I think I was, I think I was 22, maybe even a little bit older. No, no, no, I was older. I was in my mid-20s. And I went to a play called Slut the Play

with Daphne Zuniga. Yeah. And I was dumbfounded at the end of the play. And I looked at her and I was like, I'm in my mid-20s. and I had no idea that rape was anything other than sexual penetration. I didn't know because the girl had the guy assaulted her with his hand and she said she was raped. And I was like, that's rape.

And I started thinking about experiences I had in high school because I didn't know my no and I was scared to not be liked. And everything crumbled for me in that moment. And I felt so sad for myself for things that I had gone through because I didn't know that I could speak. up. I didn't know that I could say no. And I was watching this plan. I was like, I am a grown ass woman who didn't even know what people was. Like that is so, and in that moment, I was like, there is never going to be a young girl that crosses my path that doesn't know this information as well. It was mind-blood because they don't teach us this stuff. They don't empower us with this stuff. And so I love that that is starting to change with that generation that is like we are not accepting

this anymore. This is not like a. boys will be boys culture anymore like no no absolutely not and I'm like amen to that yeah it's really inspiring to see the shift and to your point it only comes with knowledge yeah how did you find safe bay in the first place um so I was actually in Chicago I think it was season one of med and I watched this documentary Audrey and Daisy on Netflix it had just come out and I was incense. Like I was on fire after it. It was so sad. For those who don't know, it's about girls who are sexually assaulted and raped. And it centers around for girls. And I wouldn't believe the protection that the community gave the boys. And oh, my God, it was no justice

for these girls. And I looked them up afterwards. It was like midnight. And I saw that they had started at a foundation together. The girls got together. They didn't know each other before the documentary. They got together and they started Safeway. And I reached out to my post and I was like, please get me in touch with them. I need to be in touch with them.

And I did and we've been working together ever since. And I just think the bravery of these girls is just beyond. And it's a youth-led organization and they all know they're getting a little bit older. They're in their 20s now. So they keep bringing in, you know, younger people to make sure that people, you know, a lot of kids don't want to talk to adults about this stuff. They want to feel heard, you know, that it's not somebody like, hey, I'm cool too. You're like, no, you're getting old.

So they're just doing it so right. And, you know, unfortunately, we did end up losing one of the founders, Daisy. She ended up taking her life in 2020. And I thought that, you know, is another. a part of the story that's so important because sometimes people think even when somebody does get justice or when their stories heard, the healing goes on forever and ever. And it's never over. And so it's just an ongoing conversation. But yeah, meeting these girls and being a part of this organization has been just one of the highlights of my adult life, for sure. And one thing we

really stress in Safe Bay, men are such a huge part of the conversation. And I love men. I know it sounds like when I talk all the time, that I'm like, screw the guy, like, this is, but no, we need men right now. We need them. I love them. They need to be in front of conversation. And I'm always impressed with those boys that show up at the high school cafeteria and want to learn about safe bay.

I want to support. I'm like, amazing. Well, because that's the thing, right, is systems are what hurt people. And the system of patriarchy that makes women victims of sexual violence also does violence to men. And what so many people don't talk about when we have these conversations is it's, you know, it's one in four of us by the time we're 22. It's one in six of them. So we have to start figuring out how to undo the violence that is encouraged in male spaces. Men need safe spaces too. So I love that you're, I love that you're talking about that. And one of my very first

calls anytime anything happens in my life is my best friend Kenny. Like I wouldn't be where I am without him. Right. And I think it's so important for us to, you know, to solve it together. 100%. For sure. Definitely. And do you think that loving to, you know, advocate and also welcome people into conversation like this is, is like part of what the spirit is behind you going and launching your Instagram live chat, launching stream of consciousness. Yeah. I also felt like, so there's a part of me too that I love like spirituality and wellness and all that kind of stuff.

And I get so frustrated with all these companies and blogs that make it seem like you have to be a multi-millionaire to be a part of the wellness industry. I'm like, no, you can make your own nut milk for very, very inexpensively. You know, you know, you could do so much. You could heal yourself. All you need is your mind. in your body to really do all these things go outside take your shoes up put your feet on the ground meditate um and so that was kind of the driving forces i was like okay i want to get some of the

things that i want to learn about and i want to talk about out there and so maybe some people will want to hear it so let's just do a snippet and then if they like it they can continue following this other person yeah you know okay can you can you tell listeners of the podcast what to expect when they tune in? Yeah. So with the IG Live, it's somebody new every week. It's somebody who I have kind of found through Instagram or books or whatever podcast and who inspires me or is talking about something that either I know about and I want to know more about or I genuinely don't know anything about. And I'm always so impressed because I'll get somebody on and I had somebody on the other day who decodes things through dreams.

And I thought to myself, okay, I'm going to learn that a snake means you're in trouble, whatever, who knows? It got so deep and so interesting that I was like, oh. And that's, I think the most fun part for me is like, I get so inspired after these conversations, like I'm lit up by them. Like, you know, they make me want to learn more. And so I hope that's kind of what it leaves everybody else feeling too, you know? Yeah, I love that.

I think that's kind of one of the best parts of everything in the internet age is that we can actually just ask each other questions. We can do this. Like, I'm currently in New York and you're in Michigan and we're on Zoom recording the conversation. We're having like, what? It's so cool. So I love that you're doing that. And then I do want to ask you a very exciting personal question because last time we did this on the other show,

I was like, okay, we're not talking about it. So maybe we're just like not talking about it. But then obviously at the end of our chat, we all were like gushing over your engagement and we're just so happy for you. And I know that all the fans are like, wait, how did they meet? And they also want to congratulate you. So I'm bringing all the listeners in so we can gush about your sweet man for a minute. His name is Jared.

He's originally from Michigan. he's just the kindest most aware person so much so that I almost didn't even know how to accept him in my life at some point because when you're used to like when you're not used to somebody who's so nurturing and amazing you're almost like what is this what is this oh girl tell me about it right yeah when you're like wait you're like wait a second you're like hold on so if I thought toxic was bad and then I thought bad was normal. What's better than normal? Is it good? Can I have that? Can I have that? You're healthy. You're saying you're emotionally available. What is that? But yeah, no, he's amazing.

So my cousin Alexandra. So a little bit of Michigan background. My mother is originally from Michigan. And so I grew up, I was living in New York. That's was born and we would come to Michigan every summer to visit my family so my cut a lot of my cousins you know grew up here and one of my cousins randomly one day i was filming actually my last day no i came back for the finale of chicago med season seven to kind of like with nick's goodbye um i filmed to steam with him and my cousin came to pick me up to bring me back to michigan and she was like we were talking about dating. I was like, well, I'm out here on the farm. I'm not going to meet anybody. And I don't want to meet anybody in L.A. or New York because they're not going to want to live here. And I want to stay in Michigan. She's like, oh, I wish I had somebody to hook you up.

But she's like, actually, I used to know this guy in college. And I always thought he was so cute. And, you know, he likes reading and he loves Stephen King. Like, I really think you guys are all into the same things. She's like, can I put you guys in touch? And I was like, sure, why not? just thinking like whatever this is going to work so she DMs him on Instagram because they haven't spoken since college mind you so this has been like a very long time yeah so she randomly thought of him like randomly so she DMs him and he said he woke up in the middle of the night he didn't have his glasses on so it was all blurry and he was like oh maybe I want to look at this in the morning he looks at it in the morning she sent

him a link to my profile he like clicked on it and he was like oh yeah sure you know like dating's hard in your 30s. I'd love to meet your cousin. He goes, after I sent that message, he went back to my profile, realized how many followers I had, and then I was an actor, and he was like, oh, shoot,

her cousin sent me the wrong profile. So now I just agreed to date this actress, and I don't even know what her cousin looks like. So we wrote her back, and he's like, I'm sorry, I think he sent the wrong profile. And she's like, no, I think that's my, that it really is my cousin. he thought he was getting catfish like it was like a prank that she was trying to play that

that is amazing so anyways we got in touch i had left to go do a film for a month so we just kind of communicated via the phone and then we met up on our first date and one of my favorite restaurants in my little farm town and the rest is history and it honestly it's like i've created my own hallmark movie you guys it's like it's ridiculous he is so sweet he had like the Red Fox Lab, you know, he wears flannel, he, like, had an old, um, redone, like, Jeep from, like, you know, the 70s and 80s. Oh, we love it. Him and his brothers own their family business, mechanical contracting business that's

been in their family for 85 years. I was like, oh, my God, is this for life? No, it really is like a perfect Hallmark Christmas movie is what we're doing. It really is. Oh, I love it. I love it. Well, we're all so happy for you, honey. It's so exciting. Yeah, it's just amazing. So when you, you know, when you look ahead, obviously we're not going to get into any of the, you know, details for the world about timing or planning or whatnot. But when you look kind of ahead at this year, you know, there's so much that's exciting on the horizon and you've found your person and you've found your place and you feel so settled. What, what as you look at the future feels like your work and

progress. Oh, my gosh. So much right now. I'm stepping into so many new shoes. You know, I've realized, you know, I've been in relationships before and whatever, but I was always traveling or that person was always traveling. I've never settled in with somebody. I've never created a life with somebody and a home with somebody. And so this is like in a weird way, all very new for me. and being out here in Michigan and really getting centered and really being confident in my decision to be here and knowing that my place in the industry will be what it's meant to be and I don't need to force it to appease anybody. Everything will just fall in place.

And that's been really scary and really new for me too of being like, I need to honor where I want to be and be happy and I can't just be in this grind every day in L.A. because it's not making me happy. And so my work in progress is definitely just like continuing to cross the path and center myself and really let, you know, evolution in life and all that just kind of lay out for me. Also, this not only is there a wedding on the horizon this year, I'm also turning 40. I mean, we also got, it's the best. It's a big year. It's a big freaking year. 40 is so good.

I can't wait. Yeah. I really can't wait. I'm so excited. It's so good. Everything changes in the best way. Yeah, I feel like I've been waiting for it instead of that. I'm like, well, I'm almost 40.

Then I'll be able to stay time. Yeah. Yeah. It's very, like, it feels deeply chic. And there is, to your point, there's just such a knowledge of self that everybody says it. And you go, yeah, but, you know, I'm. you know, I'm curious and I'm a reader and I'm an activist and I know myself. And then something happens and you're like, oh my God, all the people wiser and older than me were right. And I had no clue. So I'm so, I love that it's all coming to such a cool moment of culmination for you.

I love it too. And then and also the last little piece of that is like, you know, standing in myself even more. And I think that that's something like with age two. I feel like we hit certain moments in our life where we think, I'm standing in myself more than ever. And then you wake up and you realize, oh, my God, if I had known what I know now, then, I would realize it wasn't in myself at all. And, you know, even as something as little as I put an audition on tape yesterday, and I felt so good about it. And normally what makes me feel good is the validation I get back.

And I thought to myself, even if my team hates this tape, I'm not redoing it because I'm happy with it. And I've never said that before. And it was so freeing to go, I don't care what anyone else thinks right now. If I'm happy with it, that's all that matters. And that's it. It's hard. Some days it's hard. Some days it's free.

Some days it's hard. It is, but I think that's it, right? It's figuring out how to get to more days where you can live that way and feel that way. Absolutely. Oh, I love it. Thank you. I'm so happy for you. This was so great.

Thank you. Thank you for coming and hanging today. I always love getting to see you. I know you too. Thanks for having me.