Dreamscapes Podcasts - Dreamscapes Episode 167: Ms. Sparkles

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Ms. Sparkles - Nuff' Said

Greetings friends and welcome back to another episode of Dreamscapes. Today we have our guest dreamer Jennifer. Some may know her as Ms. Sparkles in certain quarters of the internet. She's one of my Pacific Northwest neighbors out of Washington State. We're going to get right back to her in two seconds for my part. Would you kindly like, share, subscribe, tell your friends, always need more volunteer dreamers, viewers for the video game streams. I have 17 currently available works of historical dream literature,

the most recent The Fabric of Dreams by Catherine Taylor. or Craig. Of course, all this and more at Benjamin the Dream Wizard.com, including downloadable MP3 versions, audio only of these very dream interpretation interviews. Also, if you head on over to Benjamin the Dream Wizard.com, building a community there, it's free to join attached to my Rumble account. You can just be a member or you can do some sustaining donations. They give me the best percentage. Love locals. So that is enough about me. Ms. Sparkles. Jennifer, Hello. Hi.

Hi. Good to talk to you in person or virtually, so to speak. We've mostly talked by text on, on, on X or in the comments of my video game streams. I'm glad you show up. It's nice to know some people actually do watch once in a while. Yeah. Yeah, I like it streams. I like your little, yeah, you start like, especially when you get irritated at the games,

you'll start out horly nicely with your game bad and then you're like, start gussing. You know, there has to be an escalation. You can't go zero to 60. It's got to be like now, oh, man, that sucks. Okay, that was probably my fault. Fuck, that's really hard. I can't get the buttons right. Jesus Christ.

Mother, lover. And then I, oh, I scared the cats. Sorry, guys. Sorry. I'll just do it a, do it into demonstration. Oh, the poor babies. I didn't think I got crazy. Well, that happens during the video games too.

I scared the cat. Are you like, please, fucker? Just, please. Mother, love her. I mean, yeah, and then I go to the full, full on cursing. No, it's true. You just, you get 100, 110% of the real me at all times. I don't hold anything back.

Oh, I think I scared the dog, too. He's like, what is happening? I'm a terrible pet daddy. Oh, I scared him for no reason. But anyway, that's, uh, yeah. Um, I was going somewhere else with all that. Like, just people show up. Yeah, the more the merrier in, in the, in the, in the streams.

Like now you and, you know, you don't know, talk to each other. And every now and again, someone else. shows up and she said she added me I didn't find her I don't know where she I think I couldn't find her her name is really unique only two people popped up with her her name so I don't know yeah yeah I we can

we can work on uh well she's in the um she's in the discord here too so we can we can try to um try to get you guys connected oh peanut butter no no I'm sorry you gotta go it's okay it's okay now he was sleeping he was sleeping when I woke him up being well I am also

impulsive, which I think works for the dream interpretation thing. I just kind of very unfiltered in that regard, which is why I also say crazy shit gets me in trouble too, of course, like and then people ask what, you know, you should apologize for like, number one, never apologizing, so screw you, but, uh, you know,

yeah, I've, in the same way. Yeah, I mean, if I've personally, unless I really get something wrong, unless like, well, that's what I'm talking about. Because one time I did, yeah. If I have a personal relationship. And I actually got viral with the artist and it turned out, no, I was wrong. she wasn't trying to blacken up.

Nobody talks about it anymore. He was a commentary. No, I'm going to. He was a Brazilian guy. Gotcha. I hate him. I think there's a big difference. There's a big difference between you have a personal relationship with someone.

You've crossed a boundary. You've done something you could genuinely be considered as hurtful towards them. And it's damaged the relationship. And if you want to maintain that relationship, it's right to acknowledge, acknowledge what you've done wrong. and apologize. That's one thing. There's a different layer of what goes on in the internet is usually the person complaining

is complaining on behalf of someone else whom they are not for purely political reasons. And they don't even want an apology to repair a relationship. They want an apology to establish dominance and power over you. And then they're going to use that apology to beat you even more into submission. So at a certain point, it's like, no, I don't apologize. I don't apologize. I made her look racist. I made her look really racist.

Like a lot of people are like saying she was racist. She wasn't. She wasn't a female racist. Yeah. People need to give up on that too. I've given up on the, uh, I believe the racist stick is broken. I don't care anymore. You can call me anything you want.

You can call me racist, sexist, misogynist, homophobic, transphobic, all the ists and isms. And I don't care anymore. I don't care. I'm not interested. You know, if I have a personal relationship with you, we'll talk privately. But on the internet, I, none of that works. You should, you should feel ashamed and bad. I don't.

And you can't make me. So deal with it. I'm just, I'm done. I'm done with that. I spent so long trying to build bridges. Well, yeah.

I mean, if I've said something, you know what I'm more embarrassed by than anything else on online and on the internet is typos. I'm a damn book. I'm a damn book editor. That's what I do. You know,

that's my primary thing is I do the dream thing. I edit the books. Typo's horribly embarrassing. Miaculpa, I spelled that incorrectly. I'm in the middle of tweets sometimes and I'm like, I need to go to Google or whatever and look up this word. Am I spelling?

Are there two Ls or one? Oh, that's one L? Why did I think there were two Ls? And then autocorrect sometimes is wrong, even on Twitter. All the time. Mine's all the time wrong. Yep, exactly.

Yeah, and then, and then, oh, punctuation in grammar. I get a lot of hate. Well, I get a lot of people mentioning it. I can't do your, doing your. Yeah, yeah. And where, yeah, and there. I try to, I'm working on it. Yeah, your and your, they're there and there.

Homonyms, words that are, that sound alike, but they're spelled differently. And then he gets some people who are like no punctuation, no spelling. And you know exactly what they said. They spell your, you are. And maybe it is you are, two separate words. And maybe it is your as in this is yours. Anyway. I don't know.

For me, I take pride in it a bit. But there's other people who are like, what did I hear? You get that full range of opinion of like you've got, it is the essence of masculinity to be precise, to speak clearly. to say precisely what you mean and only what you mean and say it in the most clear manner, which includes grammar and punctuation. Then you have the opposite side that says, no, there's nothing more feminine than giving a fuck about punctuation and all the fucking motherfuck. Get over it.

You know, I'm like, okay. Why does that be gender? Well, that's very interesting too. You have people who are very much like this is the, this is the least masculine thing or the most masculine thing depending on who you ask. And I'm like, I don't know that it has anything to do with masculinity. I consider it just, you know, it's a point of pride for me. Like, I know how to do this.

And I think it makes a difference. I think it matters in terms of expressing myself clearly. Yeah, I don't want to look stupid. That's why it matters to me. That too. I've always thought not looking stupid. Like, yeah, since I was young. So I don't want to write it wrong and then it looks stupid.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You know, if I got some kind of facts wrong, punctuation or spelling errors, typos and getting some kind of facts wrong. That's embarrassing to me. But otherwise, I'm like, I don't, opinions. No, not so much. But anyway.

We're not here to talk about me as much. We can and we will. I'll always, excuse me. I'll tickle. I always interject with my own personal stories to tell, to establish rapport, but also to draw parallels. Like, okay, this is like this situation with me. I think I see it this way. And then we can agree or disagree.

But anyway, the purpose of bringing you here today was to, for me to shut up and listen and have you tell me your dream. and then we're going to see if we can figure it out together. So I'm ready when you are. Benjamin the Dream Wizard wants to help you. Here's the veil of night and shine the light of understanding upon the mystery of dreams. Every episode of his Dreamscape's program features real dreamers, gifted with rare insight into their nocturnal visions. New Dreamscapes episodes appear every week on YouTube, Rumble, Odyssey, and other video hosting platforms, as well as free audiobooks.

exploring the psychological principles which inform our dream experience and much, much more. To join the wizard as a guest, reach out across more than a dozen social media platforms and through the contact page at Benjamin the Dream Wizard.com, where you will also find the wizard's growing catalog of historical dream literature available on Amazon, documenting the wisdom and wonder of exploration into the world of dreams over the past 2,000 years. that's Benjamin the Dream Wizard on YouTube and at Benjamin the Dream Wizard.com Well, which one do you want me to tell you? I could tell you one that bothered me the most or the one that I just had the last, I haven't

been dream for a little bit, uh, the last time. This is a great, this is a great question. And we didn't actually talk about this beforehand. Like number one, if you're listening to this video right now, don't tell me your dream when you contact me to do a dream interview. I don't need to know. I don't want to know. Like it's both, and it's both of those things.

I don't need you to tell me the dream in order to convince me to talk to you. I'll talk to anybody. So don't worry about that. It isn't about picking the right dream. And also, I don't want to know because I need to hear it for the first time when we're sitting down to talk about it. If you tell me way in advance, then I overthink it. Then I start building my own assumptions that I don't have the ability to check in real

time. And that throws me way off. That's, I think, probably get the worst results trying to do it that way. some people have said well I don't want to come on the show but here can you just read it and give me feedback and I'm like it doesn't not really like it doesn't really work that way with me I've tried I've done the best I can say well I see maybe some themes here you could look at yourself but it isn't the same as actually sitting down and talking about it there's something magic that happens with the actual collaboration in the moment so just said I was I was going to talk about me as much um oh uh your your question okay so your question was what's the best dream the Now, the best dream is anything you want, honestly, but to give you a little more direction or context for that, if you had a dream, say, last night or recently, and it's so fresh and it's curious, you're, you're, um, you just want to know. You just have a, just have a very, um, uh, uh, frivolous curiosity about it.

That dream is perfect. That dream is fine. If you even have an older dream or whatever, that, you remember intensely and that that has always not understanding it has always bothered you then that that's the dream we should pick if that's if that's how you feel so um it can be literally can be anything but i my opinion the way i look at this is that dreams self select for importance if you come away from the dream really being disturbed or feeling like you need to understand what it was about then that's definitely a dream that you should

understand because it's trying to tell you something. So, roll the dice. Either one is okay with me, flip a coin. Whatever you, whatever you want to do. I'll just do the latest one. Okay. Where I was in a house and I just remember the wallpaper being blue and there are stairs and I was with my friend.

She, I've known, I do her since fifth grade to, after high school maybe like 10 year maybe seven years ago I stopped talking or five years ago and she was there

and for some reason I keep having dreams with a little black girl that's always involved and there's a black girl there and the thing was outside with the dogs and I don't have dogs but my

friend she she could never have kids and she always treats her chihuahua like her baby and stuff her dog was outside and you can hear it being turned by the thing you know the thing isn't from the horror movie yeah yeah yeah

and um she would not stop saying that she needed to get her dog and she just kept saying I need to get my dog and I said no you're going to get us all killed and then she just wouldn't get over it so I opened the garage because I could see the garage door I opened a garage door and I said, fine, get your dog. And I shoved her outside.

I took the little girl up to the attic. And I don't know why. I don't know. I feel bad. I don't know why I did that. That was it. Okay. I'm trying to catch up with my notes here.

Okay. That is fantastic. That is a medium, medium short dream. I mean, the shortest dream I've ever talked about with someone was literally the, sensation of falling through a void. That's it. That was the entire dream. And we got a 45 minute episode out of that.

So when I say short dreams, I mean, that is, that's the shortest. I don't think there could be a shorter dream. I think that's probably the essence of the smallest dream possible, just a sensation. A specific kind of sensation. But nonetheless, there was no visuals. There was nothing auditory. There was nothing else other than just that. feeling basically.

And I've gone as long as four and a half hours, which were, so yours is a medium short dream. So think of a dream twice that long. And there's three of them. And we did all three in one sitting. And that's where we got to four and a half hours. That was kind of amazing. So yeah.

The other one I was going to tell you was, uh, was where my kids is dad. It was, I was breastfeeding him and he looked up. He was a baby, but he had his head and he was like, mama. Wow. And that's, that's a very short dream too. But also we can do that we could probably do that one if you wanted to or let's see if we can get around to it. I had that years ago. I was like, I don't know why.

Well, just no, no, no. I have some thoughts on it. I mean, the, if I were to give you my in a nutshell, what I think that one might have been about is, um, there may have been to your mind some element of your relationship where you were the caretaking nurturer of this person. I always. You always have been. Yeah. Still to this day, we talk. We're not together, but we talk.

I still have to do stuff for him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then I mean, that's, and that would be probably one reason you guys are not still together. Because it's like you're, you're acting like a baby that I have to breastfeed.

You're not acting like a man who's my husband or equal partner or the caretaker of the family. That would be my take on that, on that dream. And it's like pretty, pretty direct. analogy. I mean, if that makes sense to you, if that feels right, that's, that's kind of what popped in my head. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you can kind of, maybe in a way put that one to rest now that you've got a little bit of direction, a little bit of direction on it. Now, I don't usually try to shortcut dreams like that. Usually we would talk about it much more, but I just want to

give you something so that you could, well, now you can continue to think about it going, yeah, okay, well, what does that really mean to me? And how, how would I want to change that if I could? Is there anything I could do? man, maybe you've tried everything you can think of and it's out of your hands. That happens to. But back to the dream, we actually are discussing here. So you're in a house. And it stands out, you know, to you that the room you initially appear in is got blue

wallpaper and stairs. Does this house remind you of any houses from your life or? It does give me deja, but I can't see what. So you're in basically like that. A living room type of situation? Yeah, yeah. Where you can see the garage door. You're in a living room where you can see the garage door.

Yeah, the stairs in the wall. So when you say you can see the garage doors, like you can see the main garage door, or you can see the door, the door that door, like the door, the door, the door, that door that leads into the garage. Yeah. Gotcha. Gotcha. Fair enough.

The house, house garage separation versus. is the garage outdoor separation. Yeah. I used to have a garage door like that one out of my house. We could just walk out like that too. Yeah. So there's going to be something about choosing this as the starting point for the dream that says something about how you're conceptualizing the question you're trying to address

by the dream itself. Does that make sense? Yeah. It's like, well, maybe I don't need to explain that anymore. That's kind of my beginning, beginning thoughts. Like, where's this starting? Why is the question need to be phrased in this? So, like, why inside a house and not in the woods?

Why not on an iceberg? Why not on the deck of the Titanic? Why not at the top of the Empire State's building? Why not on an airplane? I mean, there's something about you're in a house. So there's a lot of different ways to understand the concept of a house. A lot of people in the past have said it very often relates to our internal life. we think of our body as a as a house containing different parts of ourselves in different rooms

that's one or our mind we conceptualize our mind that way houses especially living rooms kitchens bedrooms those kind of things they relate to um issues of family and our our our living situation who we live with and how we live our lives so a lot of different layers to to pull apart on that but you said you when you thought of this garage door when I was asking you for clarification you said I actually had a garage door like that once upon a time where where and when did you have a garage door like that when uh uh when I was 16 I'm a mom's house a live it on when it on a live on me yeah oh yeah that might be when you think of that house the living room in that house did it have stairs did it have blue wallpaper

Or those? And I've never been in a house that downstairs. Okay. But now I think about there was a house we were supposed to move into that we didn't. We ended up homeless that had stairs. Okay. And this is when you were younger. You were going to move into a house with your parents.

Yeah, yeah. We're going to move into it. And then my mom left my dad. And then something happened. We couldn't move into there. So we ended up in the shelter. And what comes to mind when you think of the blue? Blue wallpaper.

What's the color blue? That's the same color the apartment was. I didn't even know. It was just moving in that apartment. Say again? The apartment. It was actually an apartment with the stairs that were supposed to move and do. That's the same color that apartment was.

It was the same color as that. Okay. But that blue, I don't know. I don't know. My dad had a color, a car that was the same color. I think I really have very much. It's kind of like the sad gray blue. okay well just there just looking at the visual representations in the immediate environment of this

opening section of the dream like where is this taking place why here so we've got we've got the representation of the of the garage door of the house that you lived in when you were 16 before your parents split up and you have stairs and blue color that reminds you of this apartment that you were going to get into, but that you didn't, a new living space that was tantalizing. Oh, and now I think about it,

it reminds me of this house that we lived in, the same color of the same color. Now I think about it, it's one of my dad's favorite colors. He paints everything in this color. It was one of the worst half, one of the worst times of my life was in, I was younger,

it was in this house. It was the color of that wall. Wow. So we're definitely looking at a period, So the dream is like, okay, imagine, imagine you're considering a particular kind of problem as if you're back in this insecure point in your life where everything kind of collapsed and fell apart. You've got all these visual markers saying, you know, visual landmarks telling you where you are. Does that make sense? Yeah.

So, I mean, unsurprising that outside. the home would be a threat. And that threat would be like the thing, which could take on any shape. And that was the primary danger of that thing was not that it would necessarily eat you. Of course, that's the consequence of being fooled, but that it would fool you. That it would look like a person, that it would look like a dog. Yeah. That it could literally be anything or anywhere and you wouldn't know it until it was too late.

That was a horrifying thing. It's that, it's that idea of being, you're never safe. Never safe. Yeah. Kind of represents that. favorite scary movies. For sure. Yeah.

And that might be sometimes why we are attracted to particular kinds of scary movies because they speak to our unique personal fears about our lives based on what we've been through. Yeah. That's a theory I've been working on too. And maybe other people have thought of it. And I don't work on it that much. But I thought of that connection before that.

Why do some people prefer slasher films? Some people prefer movies about monsters. and some people prefer ghost stories. You know, why have, you know, even in the horror genre, there are favorite types, you know, tropes. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So anyway, I've thought of that before. It's brought it back to my mind.

So, and then you are with people. So you've got this, this broader theme of being, well, what if we try to nail it down a little bit? What is the, what is the, what is the, theme we're dealing with here. It's, it's, you know, insecurity of, of, of, of, of home life. Um, how would you describe everything we've talked about so far, all these different cues, um, um, the words are popping in my head, like insecurity of home life, instability of, of, of having needs met or instability of, of

unstable relationships. All of these things kind of seem to be expressed. Um, I don't know what feels right to you or if other words descriptive words Well I've lost my income I have no income I have a mom's taking care of everything She's been kind of mad about it

So that counts Yeah No that made Did this dream come around that time When you lost your income? Yeah What was the word I'm looking for? When something is concurrent in time

Temporal Dream temporal To lost income. Yeah, that's a big deal. So that might be, I mean, and that's, and this is exactly how we do it. We start talking about the symbols and I start throwing words out.

And I start trying to say, okay, what's, what's happening, but then what kind of thing is happening? Like what happens is the physical action? This happens. That happens. I see this. I do that.

But what type of behaviors are those? You know, it's like walking, driving, bicycling, all forms. of transportation or ambulation or movement. And then we start going up layers of like, what is, what is this thing we're looking at here? What are these symbols represent from, from that level? And then we bring us around to, wow, you know, I think this dream happened at about the same time when I lost a source of income. And that threw my mind into the framework of saying, you know, I've been through this before. I remember what it was like to be insecure in my living situation, in my relationships, you know, specifically in the house, where am I going to stay?

How am I going to get my physical needs met? Food, shelter, all that kind of stuff. So the dream's kind of starting you off from that point saying, okay, now what? Now what do we do? Or what do you think is going to happen? It's kind of the next, how it plays out in the thought experiment or in the exploration of possibilities in your mind. You were there with a friend of yours and you were, and you specifically remember her,

as this specific friend from earlier in your life? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, this is where we get on to second page. I already filled up the first page. I write really big chicken scratch.

I don't think she never really was a friend. Uh, she, made a lot of bad situations. She never, she never really, she never really was there for me. I don't know why I kept around.

When you think of not really being a friend, I mean, um, what does it mean to put you in bad situations? I mean, she was untrustworthy, dishonest. Like she picked boys over me. She'll leave me downtown. I'd have to walk all the way home.

She would, if someone was picking on me or put me down, she would be on their side. She used to yank me around and put bruises on my arms, drag me around the middle school everywhere. She blamed me for everything. Her parents exercised her, said she had demons outside of her, that I'm the reason for the demons inside of her.

Wow. And she didn't really, she blamed me for, and she did bad stuff. I never did anything. She did. So I don't know where it was even coming from, but, yeah. Wow. That's crazy shit. Yeah.

So the first thing I started writing down was, you know, betrayal. That's a betrayal. Someone who's not a good friend is basically a betrayer. They're, you know, when people are picking on you, they're supposed to take your side. When it comes between you and a boy, they don't ditch you and treat you like you don't matter. This was not. it's very good that you would say, you know, now that I think about it, this person wasn't a very good friend. They weren't. Definitely. They were not. She married the dude that did stuff to him.

So that's how bad. She married a dude who had, um, hurt you. Yes. Wow. That, yeah, betrayal big, big time. So you've got a representation first of insecure circumstances, threatening circumstances in the very beginning. And that relates. to the danger outside. And you've got the concept that you're with a person who's no help at all, who is not, they're not going to, they're not going to take care of you. You're not in this together. You're, they're actually a liability in some ways.

Because they won't, they won't aim for mutual benefit. They will, they will definitely sacrifice it. They will betray you. They will definitely sacrifice you for their own needs. or their own emotional or selfish satisfaction, whatever that is. And she would lie and say she wasn't like that, but she was. Yeah. And that's something they, they do as well.

They care. Sounds like a pretty, well, without meeting the person and knowing more, but it sounds like a pretty typical narcissistic behavior. They want, they lie because they want to have a public image as a good person because that gets them more approval that feeds their self-image of of being always right or you know things like that and uh but then when it when it comes down to it they will betray you in a heartbeat for their own selfish needs they'll abuse you and and be mean to you yeah yeah exactly and then it's in uh you know and then it's all your fault if uh even if even if nothing else well even if you

get them down to the brass tax where it's like hey what you did hurt me it's like well you let it happen because you hung around me So still not my fault. I was like, are you fucking kidding me, bitch. But that's, that's how they are. Interesting.

And so this, but this friend, friend, we're putting that in quotation marks, um, acquaintance from, from earlier in your life, uh,

you haven't spent time with them or spoken to them in at least five or seven years roughly. Yeah. Yeah. And that's probably good for you because it's good on two, levels. It's good because number one, the abuse, the active abuse and betrayal stopped because they're not in your life anymore. It's also doubly good because now you can look back on that and say, I know I'm better off without that. You're not still clinging to the desire to rekindle that relationship.

You're able to look back and say, that's not right. I didn't deserve that. Oh, I'm lying. I just remember, I forgot during COVID when the lockdowns and I had no way home, I was at my kids's dad's place trying to get help with something. And it was locked down. There was no buses for me to get home. I forgot that she, somehow I got a hold of her. She was the one and gave me right home. And I realized that she was only giving me right home so she could, like, know if I, she could, like, hear if my life was bad or something.

Like, I could tell she just wanted to hear the drama by life. Gotcha. Well, I don't consider that lying. I mean, you just remembered, oh, yeah. You know, so it's not like you told, gave me false information. That's why I ask for clarification is like, um, but, Still, but still, sometimes we get these moments of, shit, I got no one else to rely on. Do I really want to call this person?

Fine. I'll give it a try. And that doesn't mean you're trying to rekindle the relationship. It's like, you know what? If this person will help me, I'll take it. And number one, I don't owe them anything for this because they've been so shi- You get a right on Facebook and she reached out to me and said she'd give me a right. I think that's-

Nice. But then you realize, but then you realized it wasn't trying to be kind that she was actually now she wanted to grill you to say, you know, so she could lord it over you. You see how much better, worse your life is than mine, huh? Yeah. So you got nothing to feel bad. But use her for a ride and then never call her again. Screw her.

But you're showing yourself this in the dream. So I'm trying to put the, the dream manifestation of this person into the context of how your relationship with them played out and what it is now. So you're bringing back into this reminder. not only do you have a reminder of all the the insecurity you went through at a particular time in your life

but now you're bringing in a person that was also your friend during that time or an acquaintance I mean she knew you at those during those years when you were or met you soon after when I was almost yeah yeah she knew you through all of it okay got you all my life yeah so that makes sense on two levels

one level is she was a part of that to begin with. So, so, so as, as part of someone who was close to you at that time, however dysfunctional, the relationship with her might have been, however mutually, uh, or, um, one, one sided, however mutual it was not. Um, so you're bringing in these, these different elements to say, you know, what if I was back in the same shit storm I've already been through in some ways. Um, and she always had a dog or at least even up until,

When we're older, yeah. When she had a dog. She had no kids, but she had a dog she treated like a kid. Yeah, because she couldn't have any, they gave her the depot when she was 12. She tried to get her period start and ended up not, it ended up not helping. It made her out of my children. And it ended up sterilizer, huh? Wow.

So she, yeah, she always treated her dogs like for her babies. Would you say, if you had to think about it, like, you know, forced choice, she treated the dog better than her friends? Yeah, anybody, yeah. Let's see. So like more care or loyalty to the animal than friends. Okay. Which I get it.

You know, just to, what am I trying to say? I probably care more about the animals in my life than I do about most people I've met. Yeah, yeah. I understand that. You know, but then again, that's an understandable thing because of the way I live. And it isn't, I'm not trying to draw a parallel between me and her. I'm trying to understand maybe that mindset of like that dog probably, you know, was with her all the time, slept in her bed, you know, they had an emotional connection.

The dog was a completely dependent creature. She had full control over. Of course she loved it in that, in that regard. You know, it would fit her psychology in that, in that sense. She also felt like it probably felt like animals were better to her. I mean, her mom chose her. abuse, her mom and dad choose her abusive, the man

she ended up marrying the one that did stuff. They chose him over her when she caught him with a man in bed. Wow. And she would divorce him. They chose his side over her side. Yeah.

And that's how they always, her family was, they would always, she was always like, like the scapego, odd went out. And she was always something bad. No, I think you also had the terminology right there, scapegoat too. It's like in terms of there are very often in dysfunctional families a particular person that gets just blamed for everything.

And everyone in that dynamic learns to cope by dumping those problems on that person and participates in the delusion. Nothing's ever always one person's fault. You know, and this is this is important too sometimes to say that, well, we can be understanding and compassionate towards damaged people without. excusing their own dysfunctional behaviors. So we can have compassion saying, man, she had a, she had a tough life too. She got shit on and then she turned around and did it to other people. And that's the part that's not okay. Maybe she didn't know any better.

And then maybe she couldn't stop herself. And maybe she was born with a personality disorder. And maybe it was inflicted upon her by abuse in the family. All of this is probably true. But at the end of the day, sometimes you as the person who is also then being abused by her, to say, I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm done. I'm not doing this.

I'm not interested in being your whipping boy or, you know, emotional crutch or, you know, I'm not here to make you feel better. If you can't treat me better, I'm done. And it's sad, but I'm going to do that for me. I'm going to set that boundary. So, so that is good. I mean, eventually you did move on and you say, you know, I don't want this. I don't need this relationship bad enough to put up with, put up with that.

I deserve better. I have, I'd rather be alone with myself and not. I kind of cut her off because I my ex isolated me so I got my ever be out I probably would have just delighted her my life I didn't have that so so part of um part of freeing yourself from that toxic relationship was getting out of another toxic relationship yeah yeah yeah oh that's very good that's that's fantastic I mean that's what is it like nobody makes a change until whatever they're doing isn't working anymore And sometimes really, sometimes people live their whole life believing certain bad situations are the best they can do or they just can't see a way out.

But, you know, like, as I was saying, yeah. Say again. I used to be like that. My ex, I understand. I think I just felt like maybe I deserved it to be alone. Yeah. And being with him was very alone. Yeah.

Yeah, that too. That's, and it's hard because you do. do you really know you're going to be better off? What if you're not? And that'll keep a lot of people trapped in in bad situations. They can't, they can't see that accepting the risks or realities of the change is, is actually going to be better than what they're in. So until, yeah, until change looks more appealing, until they're ready for it. And they've decided that this is, this is what's better. No one changes anything. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, so you've got these, a lot of these markers. You brought this person back, but you're also.

So, you know, I do what I call counterfactuals. Like, let's say this person wasn't in the dream, but a different person was there. We would be looking at, you would be following a different train of thought. Like if the little girl and this, this, um, fair weather friend was not in the dream. It would be more about you. But because they're there, you're incorporating elements of your relationship with other people, I think. There's something about that that, that is, you know, you could have been. very much alone in this circumstance and trying to decide what to do.

But instead, you're like, okay, let's imagine I'm dealing with the same old insecurity and around me are some of the same old people that were making the situation worse, that were not helping me deal with the problems that I had. They were another kind of problem that was close to me. Is that feeling right? Okay. And you said there's actually this little. black girl was in this dream but also in other dreams that she's been uh yeah she's like been

in every dream about like i don't know why well she means something she's got she's an icon that you've decided represents something that you i'm always taking care of her in every dream yeah and protect her well what say a little bit more about her how old is she you know size shape um features maybe five maybe and uh ptells um she kind of looks like like a little girl I had when I worked at the Head Start, um, purple shirt. I just want to really remember a little face in her peatiles.

When she shows up in other dreams, does she always, she's always the same age, pigtails, purple shirt, that kind of thing. Okay. And then the first thing came to your mind is like, you know, now that I think of it, she reminds me of a girl, a little girl that you actually did work with in real life at Head Start. Yeah, head start. Yeah.

Now, was this, when you say worked with, I mean, were you? I was a, I was, I was working to be a teacher. So I was a teacher assistant. Okay. Well, I think we might have nailed down what she is connected to. So there's a lot going on with that. You've got the actual child, which I don't know that it's about her as much. her connection to your work in that context is trying to,

um, I mean, so, so the nature of the relationship, it could have been I was bringing my child to head start and this girl's mother brought her to head start and that's where I saw her. But actually, so this isn't about you meeting her in the context of

participating in the services, but more as the service provider more as so you're looking at this like um or what's going on in your head is bringing back a memory of your potential in life a potential path that maybe you haven't fulfilled um what what happened around that that that you gave up or abandoned or left being trying to be a TA or trying to be a teacher i got sick and um i have this issue with i block out a lot of stuff if it's bad. But I don't really remember. I know that I just, I was with my ex. I know I got fired from my bus job, working on the bus, school bus. Oh, no, I remember now. I was working, I just, I chose just working on the school bus over working at the head start.

And I regret doing that because the school bus, it ended up being a, mistake with my school bus. Okay. So missed opportunities, mistaken paths chosen. Yeah, I think the job, the job with at the head start would have been a better for me than working on my school bus.

What was it that made you feel like you needed to choose a different, choose the bus over the, over the TA position? The lady who wanted me to get the, the woman who, uh, trained me and, she really was pushing me towards working on the school bus and everything. And then after I got the job, she can't just put it.

There's a woman that really pushed me for that working on the school bus. Because my grandma used to. My grandma passed away that she used to be a bus driver. Did this woman give you a reason why she felt being a bus driver was going to be a better or working on the street bus driver? I've never known to drive it. It was just insist on the bus. And she thought that it would be a good job for me because my grandma was a bus driver. Oh

So, okay, so we've got a situation where it feels like to me you Allowed someone else to Guide your path rather than standing firm and pushing back and saying that's I don't really want to do that I want to do the teacher thing like that's what you actually wanted but you let someone else kind of convince you otherwise Yeah, yeah, yeah She was like that I either get what older women either Like try to either hate me

or they try to get me to do it like things like they're like take me out of their wing but they're always aggressive yeah and this is in real life this is your kind of experience with with women broadly yeah gotcha fair enough yeah i actually don't talk any way women online uh i've except for one but not really so women don't really like me online so about that how did you describe that some of them kind of aggressively take you uh under their wing or they or they hate you or you don't get along with them. Yeah. They'll just like automatically agree and demanding.

I worked with one. Yeah. Yeah. And the way I'm trying to distill it down to words. So it seems like your history with women, broadly speaking, and you've just from what you've described it and maybe, you know, not all women are like that and all the, all the caveats. But, but it seems to have broken down in your life to having women that are either aggressive

towards you, like hostile or control. controlling even if even that controlling nature is taking you under their wings but like in a manner that suits their needs rather than looking out for what you know they know what's best for me yeah that's why I look at controlling and it isn't just and even if it's a because there's a very um compassion and sympathetic variety of controlling and like oh this trust me this is for your own good you need to do it this way that's still pressuring you as a manner of control um so all of this all of this come coming from talking about the little girl with pigtails from from the head start.

And she's there with you in the dream. So you've got this, the representation of an environment that is, that evokes a time in your life where you were very insecure with, with your physical needs. You've got people that represent bad friends, fair weather friends, you know, manipulative betrayal.

You've got a representation of the little girl with, which is your struggles with finding your own path towards maximizing your potential. I also felt like I abandoned her too because when I left that job, she would stand at the mailboxes and sometimes she'd see me and she looked really sad. So. Yeah. Well, you've probably felt abandoned in your life too. I mean, you've probably dealt with that emotion.

So it's going to hit you extra hard. And you're like, oh, no, did I just do that to someone else? you probably feel guilty about it, regrets regarding that. So it's a double whammy on that one. It's not only did I fail to fight for what I wanted, and I let someone talk me. Go ahead. Well, the thing with the, the thing was that it's really hardworking at this head start. It's a head start to do my apartments.

And, CPS, I work with CPS, told me that most of his cases are in my apartments. A lot of kids are being abused. and I with all like the peer counseling training and the stuff I studied I could automatically tell which children were being abused and it was hard

yeah so that's the reason why I chose the bus because what do you do you can't say oh my gut says that this child is being abused yeah yeah and then they would attach one little girl I could tell her mom um

was being abusive and the stuff she was saying, but what do you say? It's not physical abuse. It's basically mental. That is really hard. And you're also dealing with people that if they knew what they were doing was wrong. And if they cared, they would fix it. And bringing it to their attention and saying, hey, I think you're making a mistake.

They're going to go, the fuck are you. Get away from me. You know, that you're not dealing with a willing clientele. This person's not coming to you going, I think I'm having. problems being a good parent. Can you help me? That's one kind of thing. It's a collaborative type.

I don't know. I don't know how to deal with those type of people either. People that don't want help, but they need it. And for the sake of their kids, perhaps, in a situation where it's like, you know, how do you convince someone they need to change when they think nothing's wrong? But you see something is definitely wrong. Yeah. That's very tough.

It's very tough. Well, okay, so that's another layer. So you allowed yourself to be convinced because you weren't really sure you could successfully... I could handle that. Handle that, yeah. There was a lot of, like, one mom would come, and her daughter was very overweight, really, really overweight.

And she could tell her mom was on heroin. Oh, yeah. And, like, I'm not the teacher teacher, too, so I can't... But I could tell. And she... Did you have a relationship? with the teacher that you could say after afterwards. No.

Privately go to them and say, I'm worried about this kid. I can tell what women are going to like me and I can tell what women are. And this one, the teacher, because I actually got the job through a older woman who was trying to get me, you know, who was helping me with everything. She said, she actually kind of, she kind of offended me a little bit because she said, I reminded her of her bipolar daughter. Ah. And she wanted to help me get a job. And I don't have bipolar. or anything.

And I don't have, and everything. So it kind of made me a little upset. But she, she got me the job with her. And, um, the woman,

I could just tell that wouldn't really want to have a talk with me at all. Okay. We were very competitive, you know. Fair enough. So I could tell all the ones that compete with me and not going to. Yeah. So I just did my job.

Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. It's, yeah. And I'm not trying to second guess you, um, but, you know, and that's, well, that, that actually answers my question,

too. like that's another reason why you would have gone this is this is just isn't going to work and then let someone say convince you to take a different path because it actually maybe sounds like good advice in some ways um at least to you at the time um and yeah yeah yeah it's so yeah i'm not saying you did anything wrong um in making those choices um and it's it's very hard too but sometimes we don't believe in ourselves in enough to push through discouragement to say, no, I think I can't. I'm going to find a way this is worth the struggle. I'm going to stick it out. You looked at the totality of the

circumstances and say, maybe I'll go another way. But then you also are having a very realistic appraisal of what you sacrificed, what you left behind. What was the good part of what you were able to do that you had to give up because you felt like you couldn't do the rest of it successful. You couldn't tolerate the daily struggle of misery you'd have to encounter just to do what little good you could do. So that all of this coming from just that one image, why is this one little girl there? And it opens this whole can of worms of your self-image and your struggles with, with providing your own financial security through successful, you know, self-actualization

in a job you feel like you can do and do successfully and, you know, all of that stuff. And all of this, all of this. We haven't even gotten to the action, which is the garage door situation and the dog and the thing. Let's jump to that because now we kind of nailed down some of these little, little discreet elements. How do you become aware that there is the situation happening outside? How does that kind of play out? Is that all immediate? You know the part of the movie where the dogs are being devoured?

Oh, yeah. And noises the noise of that. So you're hearing. hearing the sound of dogs in pain and outside coming from the other side of the garage door yeah and how did you are is that when your um fair weather friend spoke up and she was like yeah i got to go get her get her yeah you don't understand she's not i got to go get her and then she yank on i got to go get her she was yanking on your arm mm-hmm and she wanted you to come with her or?

Mm-hmm. So she knew it was her dog and you and you also knew there was no doubt. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, I don't have dogs. Say again? I've never had a dog. So, yeah. Well, it could have just been a random dog, but both of you knew.

Oh, yeah, yeah. She knew, she knew was her dog and you also knew. In a dream, like if you tell. After she let the dog out. I remember her letting your dog out. That was it too. She let the dog out. I was like, why are you doing that?

She wanted to let the dog out. At what part of the dream did she let the dog out before the sounds or? Right before the sounds and I could hear it and she said I think it's fine. Everything's really quiet. I forgot about that part. Yeah. So you were doubting that she should let the dog out because why? Because you knew the thing was out there.

I knew something was outside. Okay. Okay. So that's not. I'd say that's significant. So you knew there was danger. You knew. Yeah.

And this is this is all. also works with the with the setting so you've got an in the representation representation of an interior space that reminds you of a time when there was you were insecure when you could lose the house when being outside of the interior was dangerous when there was literally danger outside and was there a purpose she was trying to satisfy to let the dog out like why did she want to let the dog want the dog the dog went out she wanted out she wanted to let the dog get dog's way and um Did you have any kind of visual representation of the dog wanting out?

Like, was it scratching at the door? Or was she holding it and she just knew it needed to go potty or something? Or was there any reason given? I don't remember the dog at all. I just remember her saying she needed to let it out, let it out. The dog wanted out. And then I remember opening it as before. And then let the dog out there.

And then I was like, that's stupid. And then that's what I remember of her saying I go get my dog back. Okay. And then that actually comes back around. Here we go on page three. You thought this was a short dream, huh? There's always more. Well, this is we're unpacking all the, all the details that are inside of it.

So you've got a situation where, and the way you expressed it, and I think it's fantastic phrasing is she wanted to let the dog have the dog's way. It's like she was catering to the dog's needs in a way that was contrary to, look, I'm a human. I should know more than a dog. I'm telling you it's not safe outside. but she's defaulting to giving the dog what it needs or wants versus listening to you, which would actually, it would validate you as a source of true information, like someone she should whose opinion she should respect. You know something she doesn't.

But she's being impulsive and maybe not impulsive, but like she's foolish saying, I know better. My value of life, I felt like my value of life was better. It could be because right before that, I've been like, there, I watched this video on, well, not right before, but a while ago, I watched this video on nihilism. And he said that there was a study out there where it was, do you choose a random baby to live or your pet? And he said a lot of people chose their pet. I remember the study, and a lot of people did not choose their pet, but that was back when I was younger. nowadays people choose their pet over a random baby

and that seems wrong to me. I don't like that I don't like that people are choosing animals value of life over humans. I'm wondering if that has anything to it because that's been what that bothers me. I even like talked about it on Twitter.

Sure. It is disturbing and I hate these forced choice scenarios because they are true. They are indicative of real life. I mean, And if I had to choose between feeding my pets or feeding a homeless guy, I'm buying the cat food. Sorry, buddy. Yeah, you know, but when it comes down to like, it's even more stark when it's like you can only save one, your dog or someone else's human baby.

I think I have a life. I choose a baby because the baby has like a soul versus animal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think the homeless man thing. I think, I don't know. Yeah.

Depends on the homeless. It's true. I work as homeless. Well, sure. And nothing against him. Not that he's unworthy of help, but like if I have to choose, these are my babies. I'm, you know, I love them. And I, and I think I, this is, this is what I'm saying.

I'm not trying to defend the nihilistic approach of, of most people picking their animals. I could tell you why I would. It would probably be, like, emotionally, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle knowing I let my own beloved You know The the animal that's been closest to me Like I'm just gonna throw them away like that for

Someone's kid I don't know even if it is human I don't know I think I would I would not have a good logical reason for it But I think I might act impulsively emotionally To save the animal just before I would just commit I would just commit and take the action And I wouldn't think twice

I can't say I'm like I have any animals I'm like I have a cat It's my mom's cat Maybe it's because I don't have any animals. And you're not really attached to it that much. It's her cat. Fair enough. Yeah.

And I'm not saying there's, I'm not saying there's actually a right answer. And I think you're perfectly valid to have your own feelings about it. Like, that doesn't make, if you say that doesn't make rational sense, you're damn right. It makes absolutely no rational sense.

A human is human life over animal life. Absolutely. Every time and twice on Sundays. I'm just being honest. You know, in terms of what I would actually do. If you call yourself a dad, a dog, a pet dad.

And I guess she doesn't. Well, no, there's a lot of people who say, my fair babies, I say it with tongue and cheek. They're not actually my children. They're my responsibility. And I'd love them. And I, you know, and they're cute and fluffy. And I hate it when they're in pain or, you know, all that kind of stuff. But it's not the same as an actual human child.

There's, there's no having. People are just kind of crazy with their animals off. Which is funny. Because, okay, you give me two separate polls. Like, is it appropriate for humans to refer to their pets? as babies as if it were equivalent to a human child? No, absolutely not. Would I save my own pet over a human child?

Yes, probably. Okay, both of these things exist in my head at the same time. I know, I know it doesn't make any sense. You know, anyway. So we've got a possible context there as well with this dilemma of the humans and the dogs. And, you know, that may also be another reason for the little girl to be there, is that, you've got this dichotomy of the caretaking

of she's got her little dog to take care of and you've got a real human girl and there's danger outside the house and this woman wants to cater to the needs of her animal by letting it outside which is going to put the dog in danger

but it's also going to put you guys in danger like she tries to drag you outside to help her save the dog and you're like I got this little girl I got me I don't want to I'm not going to sacrifice myself for something foolish like that. That's a, I'm not willing to give my life to that cause,

especially since I'm certain, I can't defeat this thing. It's the thing. It's going to kill me and you and her and the dog. We're all dead. Yeah. That was the reality of the situation. You care about the dog's life more than this little girl that I get this not your

little girl. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. And people are like that though. People would care more about their dog. And you told me earlier before the recording started. Oh,

your dog's poop into the back i'm like hey he just does sometimes i mean i'm in my garage so these are these are like twenty dollar carpets the little thin ones from you know and every every every every so often i uh i throw them away and get new ones uh so it's not it's not that big a deal in terms of um you know and then i just go clean up his poop but all of this um well like uh so the carpet here and then down here is this is just a painted concrete floor so it's easy like to take a mop to it not not that big a deal he's a small dog tiny poop So it doesn't bother me that much. But thanks for the heads up.

You had no way of knowing. Like, oh, no. Oh, shit, literally. We're coming back from a break. You got a completely different shirt on. It's like two separate. Yeah, I know. Because I was wearing my dress.

That I would walk around. But now I'm having jeans on and I shirt and my hair up. So I'm ready. All right. I eat and then run. Yeah. Because I told this lady a long time ago that, like a four or five days ago, no, off her package.

I got to get on it. Yeah. I'm doing a thing real quick here. I was trying to make use of the time. Got back a little before you. Not much. I'm just posting stuff and setting up a live stream for later. Okay.

So that's good. I'm going to make a note of the time here. It is now one, 129-ish. Is it one more time is it? No, no, no, one hour and 29 minutes into, I am going to do a little bit of editing. Cut out the break, you know.

Yeah. So where were we at? We're back here. We were talking about the lady and the dog and what that all meant. Okay. So, oh, you've got to get my head back in the space. So we've got the representation of these circumstances of, um, an image from your past,

iconic of, of pending, impending catastrophe. And the representation of that catastrophe is external in the form of the thing, one of your, one of your favorite movies, but also because it's a uniquely scary type of beast that can take any shape. So it's kind of like the great unknown,

the, the quote unquote, unknown threat, external to the to the safety of of the home um you know that which will you will be exposed to if you if you lose the the the the four walls that that keep you keep keep danger at bay that kind of thing and you've got this the representation of a situation where you've got a child that you wish to care take and and see no harm come to and this person is foolishly ye yielding to the desire to to cater to to the silly animal like it doesn't matter if the dog wants to go outside if there's danger if there's danger like when my dog uh we get raccoons in the backyard sometimes and he will chase them and he will attack them and they will decapitate him I mean he's such a tiny little guy's he's he's got he's got four teeth left and he thinks he's he's a he's a he's a he's a 14 pound dog who thinks he's a 70 pound dog he is not and uh you know yeah

You know, he's actually chased a raccoon and scared it, but as soon as it took one swipe at him, he's shrieking, and I'm running around in the dark. Like, where the fuck are you? This happened years ago. So I get it. Like, so now when he scratches at the door for me to let him out and it's dark, no, you can just poop in the carpet. I'll take care of it. We're not letting you. I'm not letting you out in the dark to go get in a fight with a raccoon.

That's not worth it. The animal, dumb animal doesn't know any better. So we've got a woman who doesn't realize she's not making the sense. It's the type of person that doesn't have the common sense to say the dumb animal doesn't know better. You shouldn't allow it to be put into danger in a way that also puts us into danger. You're going to open the door to this thing. So she yields to that temptation or whatever it is that she's doing. And lets the dog out and immediately consequences.

You're like, what did you think was going to happen? happen. Now, you know, this was a bad idea. And now we're, we're seeing, experiencing the consequences. And now she wants you to sacrifice yourself and the safety of this child to go help her save the dog. And if I recall what I wrote down, um, well, I just wrote down, go get the dog. Um, so she's dragging you, she's grabbing your arm. She's kind of dragging you to the door. And what happens is that. that she, so she's pulling you along with her to suffer these consequences and you had a decision to make, I either put my foot down or I'm going to get hurt too or bad things

are going to happen to me and this little girl. So she gets the door open and what you do is you push her out and slam the door. It's like, fine. I'm going to let you suffer. You know, I can't save you from your own bad consequences, but I'm not letting you take me down with you. because I knew she, because I felt,

I knew she wanted me to be it, the one I actually delivered her dog. She wanted you. She wasn't even going to do it herself. She wanted you to sacrifice

for her benefit. Well, I probably would have did it myself. I felt like, I, I, I, I, because I'm always like

the, another leader on it, because certain things. Like, I knew, I would have been one of what,

I would have to go out there, go to talk. She had to shut up. Okay. Yeah. Well, that's, that's a good way to,

and it doesn't matter how, true any of that is. Let's say you're not accusing this specific person of wanting to do this specific thing to you in this circumstance. We're looking at the type of situation it is. It is a situation where this person wants you to fix their mistake, wants you to be the one to sacrifice on their behalf, to their benefit to your detriment. They want to use you to get what they want and they don't care if it hurts you. So that's definitely what we're what we're looking at in terms concept and what you do is you you know this dream could have ended very differently it could

have ended with and so i go out there knowing i'm going to get hurt i let this person use me as a tool for their own benefit you know and i die the the monster gets me and and that's the end of the dream no no you put your foot down and you said you know what you i'm not going to let you get away with this i'm not going to sacrifice myself um you made this mess you go fix it you you You want it that badly. Good luck. And I think that's a, maybe at a different time in your life,

you would have had a very different chain of events. You might have gone out there in the past, but now you're showing yourself, I'm not that person anymore. I am not that person anymore. And the beauty of it is, is that this isn't, this isn't a story you wrote out

thinking your way through and getting to this point in the drama to say to just say that about yourself because people have we have a lot of self concepts that are not true but they make us feel good about ourselves like I believe I'm this kind of person and the belief that I am that kind of person is what makes me feel good just don't make me prove it because I it's not actually true you know but here it is in our in our dreams we've got this thing where you're not exactly in control now there's lucid dreaming fair point but in in the

yeah i can lucid dream so yeah but you didn't have that sense in this dream this wasn't a lucid moment where you had a conscious thought i'm not going to let this woman do this to me uh this was those this was a more dreams they say are a little more honest than not than we you know you can can't fool a dream the way you can we can fool ourselves with our conscious thoughts and our you know our we can live in denial but dreams cut right through that bullshit so this is actually the new, this is actually a new truth about yourself that you're showing yourself in this dream saying, I'm not that person anymore. I'm not going to let that happen to me again. And so what you do is, you know, like, good luck. And just, just to add an extra layer of protection,

just in case the garage door isn't enough, you run to take the girl upstairs with you, to get, to get as far away from, to the attic, to get as far away from the problem as possible. So not only did you go up the stairs of the house, but you went up an additional layer into the attic, probably one of those pull, pull down ceiling ladders that then when you pull it up, there's no way to get up. Uh, what? Sorry. Sorry. I got to start it.

No, no, no, that's okay. How did you get into the attic? I don't remember. You just remember that you were there. And I do remember seeing the hole in the ground, but I don't remember anything. Hold of them. Holding her by the window. I felt that it was over.

So, so, so, so, so, so you remember grabbing her and holding her near a window in the, and knowing that you were in the attic and that you were in that this. Yeah. And I know. And then, no, I didn't feel safe. I knew it was over. You knew, you know, you wasn't. Wasn't over.

It was over. I knew it was that. That's it. There's no point. I kind of like hugged her and I, quite. I gave up. Oh, okay. You knew it was over for you, not that the danger was over.

Yeah. Well, no. I knew like, we're going to die in you. Anyways. Okay. It's over meaning we're dead. We're, there's no way to escape the. Why was the point of running upstairs?

Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. So that's an interesting conclusion. Felt lost. Yeah. Yeah. But you did, you, you took additional action.

You didn't just huddle in the living room. Immediately on the other side of that door where you were a, you took additional action. And you just got to the point where like, let's see, not to the point, you still experience something after taking that action, which even this additional layer of protection isn't sufficient. We're still in danger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That the thing is still coming for us. We're not even safe here as far away as we can get from it and still be inside the house. There's a couple of different ways to look. And one way is the way I phrased it here was. is using the physical space as a representation of taking action because it's logical. I mean, if you can't leave the house, you go to the furthest extreme away from the danger. The attic, fair enough. But sometimes the attic can represent, as much as the basement can represent dark, hidden shadow, scary thoughts.

It can represent the place we keep things that we don't want to have seen. a lot of personal and and broad broader meaning that can go with the concept of basement. Why am I supposed to talking about the basement? Well, related to the attic and the ground floor is living spaces. I mean, the kitchen is often the heart of the home. You know, that's where meals are and people come together to share good times or cooking to be nurturing behavior. the living room very often where we it's the first room we enter through the front door it's the

it's the room where we spend a lot of time in entertainments where we entertain guests might be where there's a fireplace um the bedrooms things as you go through the different areas of the house they become more intimate i mean if you're in a bathroom or a bedroom these are things very close to you this is not a public area as much as our living room is the transition between public and super private the bedroom that kind of thing the attic sometimes it's related to the head, to hire thoughts to, if we're going on a up-down axis in terms of lower, whoops, I lost you. You did.

It did lose me. Oh, my gosh. I lost your camera. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know. I didn't know it was dying. I charged it all the way before.

Oh, can you plug it in? Yeah, I got it. I got it. I got it. I'm so, yeah. That's okay. I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was done.

I would have assumed you would have left it plugged in the whole time. Why not? No. Sometimes we just, sometimes we just didn't, don't think of those things. I mean, yeah. I charged it all the way.

Hour and a half, two hour video call. Yeah, it eats up the battery. So anyway, we're getting there. So the attic can mean a lot of different things, you know, in this context, I think it's,

I don't know that it's related to, you know, escaping into the mind. Sometimes people rationalize things or show an imagery of them rationalizing things by moving up to a higher thing. But, okay, why did I go through all that counter, counterfactual, which doesn't seem like it relates, just to show the difference between the two. This seemed to be more like when the danger is on the ground floor or outside, you move as high as you can get away from the flood, so to speak.

You got as far away as you can possibly get. No, they got to average. I move up high. I go high. never in that one of them even my lucid ones right which i go i don't know i i went to a water tower when uh it's usually zombies and i go to a water tower gotcha yeah yeah interesting that is an interesting thing so this is actually a bit of a theme with you of escaping to a higher place so there's something about that that means something to you specifically moving in that vertical direction

as a solution to something you're dealing with. So, you know, another time where privately you can think about that description. Why am I always moving up to get away from these? But in this specific case, you had the experience that it still wasn't sufficient. The danger was too strong. That even moving to the highest point I could reach in this house didn't quite get me out of trouble. in the way I wish it would have. Yeah. So we take all of these, and that's the end of the dream.

So we've gone through the whole thing. And it seems like this is very much related to you having lost this job opportunity or income recently. Yeah, I mean, that stands out to me as a likelihood. And, you know, we go through these opportunities or we lose opportunities or we go through setbacks in life. And they trigger our brain to. sort through past instances of having lost opportunities or lost employment, lost income, or lost security. Yeah. And I didn't get the job that I wanted to get because my sister who's no name

for the crimes. So that was just funny. I have to figure out of it. Wow. So they did like a criminal background check and it came up with her. You had to use your name. Yeah. So it was just qualified for moral reasons and it said that it says stuff to 30 degree and turn every day for a bit. Wow. Have you been able to sort that out? I mean, don't you just call some people and say hey, that's my sister, not me?

Can we get this off? I have many times. And I even have a lawyer a letter from a lawyer where I said that wasn't me and I fixed that one. But there's six of them. Damn. So you have another situation in your life where

someone has sacrificed you for their own personal gain. They've thrown you out to the thing to wreak ongoing habit. And you're not out of the woods. You're not in a safe place. You know, you've retreat all the way to the attic and these problems are following you. Nah.

I just say I don't understand why it's ruined. Like there's no jobs I can take me with those. Yeah. That I want you. Yeah. Yeah. That seems like a big thing to resolve whatever effort it takes. And I can imagine it's frustrating.

You know, you've did one and there's like six more. He used my name for, like, she overdosed. It said it was me. She used my name, still drug dealing. Wow. I got rid of that charge. I just, I don't have anything like that.

It's like, I used to really want to be. But now, like, how can I do anything? I don't even know how to get rid of it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not entirely certain how to do that either. It's got to be, I mean, it's just off the top of my head. It feels like there's, there's got to be some way to contact this whole, like, criminal background. check system and say, hey, you flagged this to say, you know, these things were not me.

I can prove it. I mean, if we look at the... Well, they have an option. I have an affidavit where you can explain your crimes of why you did it, which I think is really weird, you know, but I'm just going to put down that it wasn't me, and then I have proof that I've never lived in those places. And then my mom's just signed something. So I'm hoping that well, we get the job because I really need it.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, there's no surprise with what you. you're going through that this type of dream imagery would would come to you that you would be looking at like there's just all kinds of danger out there and it it you never know what form it's going to take it's this hidden hidden danger that can really take any shape like like another another another door slammed in my face another opportunity denied another freaking problem caused by as represented by this woman in

the dream people who never people who just betrayed me people who set me up to fail people who caused me problems, but threw me under the bus who expected me to, who used me to their own advantage. Yeah. No, for real. Very. What am I trying to say? Easy to understand how this imagery and this dream would play out in this, in this fashion, how it's very much connected to your real life problems.

I mean, a lot of dreams are that we don't take the time to understand. It's like they're almost always connected to something we're going through. Um, good or bad. You know, Freud used to say and, and, well, he's dead now. So of course, he used to say every dream contains a secret wish and understand, understanding that properly, it isn't like they're all wish fulfillment like, oh, like a fantasy like, oh, I want to fly. So I dream I fly.

That's a very obvious thing. Yes, that's also true. But usually it's a, it's a wish or a fear. It's, I hope this good thing happens. I hope this bad thing doesn't happen. And we show ourselves different variations of that. I hope I don't have a good thing withheld from me. I hope I don't have a bad thing inflicted upon me.

Those are the kind of wishes he was often talking about. There's a completely separate category of dreams, which is sometimes just idle speculation or what I call thought experiment dreams. It's like, well, I'm trying to understand an idea. So let me just explore the idea itself. But definitely it seems like your dream was in that category of, I'm going through some shit and I need to sort this out. I would really focus on the idea that this dream is showing you that that you, that your

situation is not hopeless. Even if you feel like your efforts have not been. What's say again? It feels hopeless. At the very end it did. At the very end it did. You showed yourself not yet having overcome the problem because you haven't because the, the problem is still there.

So that's, that's a more realistic appraisal of the situation. but what I was trying to say, I focus on the positive side of the dream, which is that you're not out of the woods. You know, the problem isn't over yet, but you're showing that you are now a fundamentally different person where you're not going to just take this passively.

Now you're going to set some boundaries. You're going to fight back for what you think is the right thing to do. You're going to take care of yourself. You're not going to allow people to walk all over you. You could, this could have been a very different dream where you, like I said, let yourself be used again and go,

what did I expect? There's nothing I can do. That's why I say this is not a hopeless. This dream is not meant to show you it is hopeless. You should give up. It's saying there is hope because you are different because you have a greater faith in your own ability to make some kind of a positive change. And that is going to give you the necessary start to move in the direction of making that change.

What I'm trying to explain is that someone who's hopeless. doesn't make the effort because it's pointless. They believe it's pointless. You're not actually hopeless because you've showed yourself that you are a different person and that you can take action and that that action will have a result, even if it hasn't fully resolved the problem yet. Am I making sense about why those are different? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, there's some dreams that are just very representative of I am feeling hopeless and the situation is actually hopeless. And yours is more like I'm feeling a serious threat that's a realistic threat and I need to get out from under it. And you know, I think there's something I can do even if I'm not sure if it's going to work. And sometimes you don't know if it's going to work until it works. And then you've actually got the proof. Hey, that worked. But you got to make the effort first.

And I think you've got that. There's something inside of you that's saying. And you can, you, you can do it, Nikki. Uh, you know, that's, that's, there's an inner voice in there that's, that's shouting at you to just keep, you, you know, you know, the right thing to do. You know where to take this. You know that the effort isn't, is not pointless. Even if it sucks while it's happening.

So that's, no, it does. And there's, yeah. Right. I think some people, they, what am I trying to say? They're kind of down on, on, on certain. remedies offered because it doesn't make bad things stop hurting while you're in them. I think some people want the bad feeling to go away and I'm like, no, no, it's going to suck until it doesn't suck anymore.

It's going to hurt until the pain stops. It's a process. But, I mean, there's two choices. It sucks and it's always going to suck because I don't move and I stay in the suck. Or it sucks until I get out, but at least there's a light at the end of the time. tunnel because I'm moving away from the bad thing. And I think that's, I think that's what this dream was, was saying to you is that, you know, you can be realistic about your feelings and about how unpleasant the situation is,

but you're not helpless and the situation is not hopeless. That's, that's what I think. Yeah. Anyway, anyway. I hope so. Yeah. If that makes sense, if that makes sense to you. And I mean, you don't have to believe it.

I had a post on Twitter. it's like, you know, sometimes the role of a, you know, therapist or whatever, uh, someone in a, uh, engaged in a therapeutic interaction, uh, sometimes their job is to say, I understand you don't believe it. So I'm going to believe it for you until you can believe it. Um, and that's, that's where I'm at on this one here is like, I, uh, yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. So I hope it helps. Yeah. Well, thank, thank you very much. I like you, man. Oh, I like you too. This is a good. It's a I enjoy having you in the chats and whatnot and just, you know, hang out.

You say funny. You say funny things. You make me laugh. So I like that too. Oh, I mean sarcastic most of the time. Just say, you know. I know it's hard to come across sarcastic. Right.

What I mean. They've suggested the internet needs a sarcasm font so people can know. I know. They do. I just tend to interpret things as however they can be positively interpreted, if that makes sense. Yeah. When it comes to not just dreams, sometimes dreams, you don't want to, I don't want to bring

that to something. it's not appropriate. I want to tell the truth. But when it comes to people's comments, I tend to assume there's a joke in there somewhere and they're being playful, even if they're not, because if they're not,

the fuck do I care. I'll just go ahead and interpret it that way anyway. I'm too sarcastic, sarcastic, everything. And then that dragon man, Augustine, he got mad at me. He said,

I was being really mean to you. Oh, yeah. I think some people don't get it. I'm really hard to, insult or I mean you really have to try you really you really have to be like he seems like he's taking it pretty well I was like that's just what we do yeah no I don't I don't mind I don't mind that stuff at all that's you're not bothering for sure um okay well if you feel like we've talked about the dream is we've gotten as much out of it as we can um we'll go ahead and wrap it up okay I always like to give

folks the opportunity to ask more questions if they're like there's still something that bothers me I don't understand this part. Let's talk about it. That's fine. I get it. Okay. Well, I hope it gave you a focus. But am I a bad person for shoving her out the door?

That's the only thing. I felt like such a bad person for serving. After you woke up or in the dream? After I woke up. Ah, yeah, but not in the dream. And I'd say that's the important part. It would mean something different if you felt bad in the dream. We could talk about that too.

But this was afterwards. You look back going, I think there's a part of you that doesn't want to hurt anyone. And that's good. We shouldn't want to hurt people, but we shouldn't fail to set boundaries that allow ourselves to be hurt by people who don't care

whether they're hurting us. You know, and that's a hard thing. And that's actually why a lot of folks who have been through traumatic stuff and abuse and different things and don't feel that, they don't feel comfortable setting boundaries where other people are unhappy with them.

So I would say lean into that idea of what is it it's it's not enough to say just set healthy boundaries uh sure easier said than done and what does that look like and how do you do that and and how do i do it when it's extremely uncomfortable and sometimes i'd rather just you know take a little abuse and not cause a scene we lean in that direction sometimes um it's right i've always been like that it'll be it'll be a little bit of a process to break that bad habit i mean what you don't want to do is head so far in the other direction. You become callous to people that are good people.

You don't want to, you don't want to then become the abuse. That's like the, it's like the, um, it's going too far in one direction or the other. I mean, you don't want to be, uh, you don't want to be, uh, you don't want to be, uh, passive and you don't want to be passive aggressive. You want to be assertive. Um, yeah, I have an issue with ghosting people. I just, and I know I hurt people.

Yeah. So, so using your, um, this circumstance in the dream as, uh, afterwards, you second-guessed what you showed yourself, which is, oh, my God, I totally protected myself at someone else's expense, and I don't feel comfortable with that. And I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable about that, because that's still a deep part of you that needs to kind of be sorted properly. When is it okay to set a boundary? How do I do that with someone? How do I identify this is a person that is trying to hurt me for their own benefit, and I don't have to let them do that. It doesn't make me a bad person to tell them no.

It doesn't make me a bad person because they're upset. I didn't allow them to abuse me. And at a certain point, you'll get to the point where I've come to, which, you know, because I used to be a bit of a people pleaser in the past. But I've come to a point now where I think it's funny when abusive people rage at me because I set a boundary. now and rather than being uncomfortable, now I think it's hilarious. I'm like, look at your cheek. Just pinch your cheek. Shut the fuck out.

I don't care. Yeah. Yeah. I think you'll get there too someday. I hope so. Or just not cut them off. That's what I do. Yeah.

You just cut them off. Sometimes that's the worst thing you can do to someone is, I'm done with you. You're out of my life. You don't have, you ain't got Ben to kick around anymore. I'm out of here because they, they lose everything you have to offer. All they had to do was just not be a, a, um, you know, an abusive asshole. And they could have enjoyed so much of you, but they don't get to because they fucked up.

And that's not your fault, you know. And then having that sense of, having that firm sense of, I know I'm doing the right thing because X, Y, Z. And if anyone crosses these boundaries, it's okay for me to set that limit. I think, I think this dream is that, and this, that element in the dream. I think you're wrestling with that question. And you showed yourself in a moment of crisis when it's, when the need, need is absolutely. absolutely clear you can do it.

And then just expanding that window of clarity around when it is acceptable to yourself to set those boundaries up to an including shoving that bitch right out the door because this is your problem, not mine, and I am not taking this bullet for you. I'm out. And that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes that's what you got to do. Yeah. So, okay, well, go ahead and wrap it up here and let you go. you got to you say again i'm hungry yeah me too i need to go i got things to take care of before i get the get the stream going here i got to know my thing off yeah we'll see you later i might be able to make it to you if you're until after later yeah because i got to get there till 530 then i'll be back home on six so we'll see how long the stream goes i'm not i'm not sure this is the i mean by the time anyone watches this like like honestly but by the time anyone watches this a

month, literally a month from now. This would have been the Friday night I was streaming the 20th episode of Disco Elysium. And I don't know how long it's going to last. It will be for sure the final episode. I'm going to wrap it up one way or another. So we'll see. Oh, really?

We'll see if you can make it. Yeah, then brand new, brand new game on Monday. So as I usually do. Well, you know, by then this will be old news. So I'll go ahead and say it is, and you're the first one. I don't know. Sh, don't tell anyone because I'm going to debut.

I'm going to debut this, the new trailer at the end of the stream tonight, whenever that is. Okay. It is none of the games in my coming soon trailers. I've decided to jump the line with one. It is going to be, the game came out last year called Atomic Heart.

I don't know if you remember that one. The one where it's like said in a kind of quasi post-apop post-apolucalyptic robot, Utopia gone wrong in the Soviet Union. Then I had all the drama about it. Yeah. There was drama about it? Oh, with the stupid with the girls. Like,

were you sexualizing robots? Was that it? Or was there other drama? There was other drama. I don't remember. I don't remember what it was either. It's supposed to be like, it's a, dang, I can't remember. But there's a lot of drama with it.

Well, maybe it's better. You can't remember. It about that people created the game. Oh. Okay. I was going to say maybe. Like fashion. Oh.

You know, like the love change of them. Those crazy communists think everybody's a fascist. Fuck them. I don't know. That's all I got to say. Not a fan. Yeah. That's what they said about this game.

It's like that don't, don't, don't buy it if you want to promote fascist. Okay. What if, what if I was, you know, so, what am I trying to say? So irrationally libertarian that I'm like, don't play disco elysium because there's no libertarian options. It doesn't present libertarianism well or at all. it deals with all these other political things and it's, I'm like, I'm just playing a game, yo.

I can look at the world. Yeah, I think it's different. I can look at the world through other people's perspectives. That's fine. You can tell me a story. What do they do? They did a series recently that was called The Americans. And it was a Soviet sleeper cell family that, you know, was was going to.

And I'm like, we're looking at spies. I mean, imagine if I was so patriotic, they're like, you can't even tell me a story about. spies and what they went through in their in their experience uh because i'm supposed to hate them and i and i shouldn't be able to see the world through their eyes yeah i don't even or i'm so feminist i can't play as a man on games yeah yeah one of my one of my favorite games recently i really enjoyed playing um what is it called for uh horizon zero dawn female female lead character i don't even when i choose games to play i look at the gameplay and the type of

of game and I don't really care too much about who the male male character main character is or whether or not they're male or female Yeah, so it never really never really bothered me. I didn't feel right just playing as a chick I usually like playing as a chick in most of my games, but yeah Mass Effect felt more of a male role he felt it felt like it was for man commander shepherd needed to be a man yeah I kind of went I went with I I went with the default like that was what showed up first and it was a male and I changed nothing thing in the hair and I co. I did no customization. I'm like, let's go. Let's go. It was a long, that was a long series. I played all three, one, two and three. Back to back to back. It was good. series. Yeah. And then. I just offered like number three. Number three was over. Yeah. So it didn't bother me that saying Horizon Zero Dawn that there was no option to play a male character. I didn't

care. It was about Eloy. There she is. She's the and then, I mean, without spoilers, there's a reason why it is a female character related to a lore or story reason based on who she is. So fair enough. If that makes it, that's fantastic. But then there's a lot of games where if it's, if there is a character creator, one game I'll play, uh, male. The next game, I'll make a female character. And then the next game play male character. Whatever.

Doesn't, doesn't bother me at all. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like this whole thing. You have to find yourself represented in the game or in the new thing. Sometimes I'd rather not be represented. Because tell me a story about someone's life that is so different from my own that I would have never thought or experienced any of these things on my own because I don't come in contact with any of this stuff. So, so literally don't represent me. I already know me. Show me somebody else. I think that's I think that's better sometimes. And I see myself every day. I don't want to see it. Right. That's what I'm talking about. I don't I've had enough of me. I'd like to talk about somebody else. Oh, one of the things that the reason why, uh, uh, this is the reason why, um, uh, uh, uh, a few that

YouTubers ever talk to me. I always say this. I've always said this. I don't watch TV to watch ugly people. They used to have to look attractive and have to, you know,

work hard to be on your TV. And now they're all, you know. That's true. Yeah, I don't need to see, I don't need to see fat bearded autists on everything.

I would... I look outside if I want to see somebody ugly. Right? Well, what I would rather, what I'd rather see is, yeah, Chris Hemsworth or, or Robert Downey Jr.

in the Marvel movies. I want to see. see something aspirational. I want to see the man who's stronger and tougher and more capable than I am. I want to see that. Yeah, they have to work hard to look like that too. It really do. Same with same female characters. I want them to be, you know, the more beautiful, the better, you know, in terms of that regard to the more, the more unique skills character has, the more interesting. Unless you're going for a different kind of story, which is, look at how miserable this person is because they're just a complete failure and then that can be tragic or comedic.

The well? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the whale. The whale. Yeah, yeah. I was Brandon, Brendan Fraser,

I think. Yeah. Exactly. You know, his life, he's had a heart. He's like, uh,

his wife like took him. He's, he's had a harder life. Yeah. He was like sexual assault. Yeah. Yeah. He was,

when he went from like, like, uh, the biggest thing ever in the 90s, like just disappearing. He's gone. Yeah, because he's big his blacklist is because of,

someone like I think sexual results in Arizona yeah but yeah anyway we're gonna we'll wrap it up yeah we'll talk we'll talk we'll talk more later on to we'll talk in the stream today so you can message me in time man absolutely sounds good um well then I'll just say to our audience here once again this has been our friend Jennifer also known as Ms. Sparkles on on the on the on the Twitters and uh indeed uh out of uh my neighbor in the Pacific Northwest here out of Washington state. For my part, would you kindly like, share, subscribe, tell your friends, always need more viewers for the game streams, volunteer dreamers, et cetera. 17 currently available works of historical dream literature, the most recent The Fabric of Dreams by Catherine Taylor Craig, all this and more available at Benjamin the Dreamwizard.com, including downloadable audio-only MP3 versions of these very interviews, and head on over to

Benjamin thedreamwizard.locals.com, where you can become a member. it is attached to my Rumble account. It's free to join. You can give me money. You don't have to. Just stop in and say hi. So that's going to do it. And once again, Ms. Sparkles, thank you for sharing your dream with us.

Yeah. And Ben's the best. Everybody should love Ben. Oh, I said, don't, don't applaud. Just throw money. So, all right. Yeah. And everybody out there, thank you for listening.