Dreamscapes Podcasts - Dreamscapes Episode 196: Enigmatic Enlightenment

Episode Date: June 27, 2025

Kerry Blaser ~ https://www.instagram.com/kerryblaser/

the time. Like, I love this podcasting thing. Like, I can go with Taco Eye Book and then rest. Okay, cool. And especially the whole idea of long form. Um, you just, you just go. You just do that, you just talk. And, and, and whatever comes out happens and then you send, you know, I do very little editing. I had a little intro and outro, uh, type of thing. But other than that, I just, I just put it all out there unless it's, you know, request for specific stuff to be removed for privacy or whatnot. Now I'm chewing on my beard. I already had breakfast. Stop that. Okay. Let me get. Let me do two seconds of dead air and I'll introduce us and we'll get rolling.

Greetings friends and welcome back to another episode of Dreamscapes. Today we have our friend Carrie Blazer from Ventura, California. She is a mother, a shaman, a master of East Asian studies, a trauma to enlightenment coach and recently the published author of My Inner Heroin, Exploring Feminine Pain. You can find all this and more at Carrie Blazer. user.com. For my part, would you kindly like, share, and subscribe, tell your friends, always need more volunteer dreamers. You see, I haven't had many new episodes lately because dreams come in their own time. And, you know, when the time is right, you'll reach out to me and

we'll do the thing. It's super easy. As I tell everybody, you can't do it wrong. All the pressure's on me, so don't be afraid to step up and reach out. Where does that lead me? Oh, I do video game streams Monday through Friday, 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. Pacific most days. on YouTube and Rumble, and I'm also broadcasting to X, the X platform anyway. So you can check that out if you're so inclined. This, oh, I didn't check. I didn't check earlier. This episode is brought to you in part by whatever book I have up on the screen over here right now.

I cannot remember what it was supposed to be. And I forgot to check because I'm out of practice at doing this whole thing. So look over there and go to Benjamin the Dream Wizard.com for all this and more. downloadable MP3 versions of this very podcast. So you can take the wizard with you, wherever you wander with or without Wi-Fi, encyclopedia, episodes of where I've appeared on other people's podcasts

under the media section, books and more, all kinds of good stuff. So check that out. Also, if you'd head on over to Benjamin the Dream Wizard. Dot locals.com. It is free to join attached to my Rumble account. One of the best ways to reach out to me, just become a member and say hello and we'll do a dream for you.

That is more than enough out of me. Back to Carrie, thank you for being here. I appreciate your time. Thank you so much for having me on to share my story and the week that I've gained. And I really appreciate it. And then we get to analyze my visions. I'm super excited on my birthday. Today's my birthday.

Oh, yeah. Happy birthday to you. Of course, that's a happy accidents, they say. Or at least you had the opportunity to make this happen. That isn't always possible. It's a gift to myself. I'm like, oh, he's going to have analyzed my dreams and visions. Okay.

That's like gift to myself. I think that's the neatest thing here, too, is that I get to offer an experience to someone personally that they wouldn't otherwise get the chance to do. You know, it's not just me. It's just that, I don't think there's anyone else doing what I do. I am, if I may be slightly less humble than usual, I'm criminally under, unknown. But maybe I'm not speaking of like the universe and stars aligning when they do. I'm of the opinion that exactly as many people know about me as should right now. That there is a next level that I will eventually achieve,

but that maybe I'm not ready yet. But I'm heading in that direction. I'm working towards it. And when the time is right, I think it'll happen. And if it never does, then I just, I never achieved the level that I needed to to be worthy of that connection,

larger connection to more people. So either way, it's one of those things, too, it means I'm talking to. I bring out a guest and I talk. Isn't that wonderful? Just look at a pretty face and listen to me. That's what I love. Like, let's trust the process. Like, you know, I'm just out there too.

Like, you know, I asked myself so many times in my book, I've helped several prominent men, including Justin Waller and Andrew Tate. And I had asked myself, why did the universe choose me? And I have gotten so many important answers to that question. And so I'll just go into a few now. So my book shares a story mostly of how on my, it starts on my 45th birthday, which is exactly 10 years ago today.

And my mom passed away at my 45th birthday. We were really close. And our birthday and our death day, our souls choose those days very carefully because they're like the most important days of our lives. So my mom and I have my. birthday. Then we also have her death day together showing how important I am to her, to her soul. And so that's the day my intuition told me, accept your psychic gifts and start healing from your

childhood trauma. Well, I had never learned to surf the waves of life, so to speak, you know, where you have emotional pain, you deal with it, then you go to your next mountaintop and then you only get more and bigger waves. Well, that was my call to heal. That was my soul telling me, okay, Carrie, it's time to learn to surf the emotional waves of life that you never had. Like, I used to get four to seven migraines per week. I was on tracidone, clonopin, soma, ambient, like, you know, I was, I didn't know what to do. So I started learning. And that was a slower process because learning to go into the valley of darkness, the emotional pain,

and then learning to come out of it and then go have to go back in. It's like, didn't I already do that? Like, didn't I already, you know? And I'm like, okay, wait, I'm at a deeper layer. I had to learn that, you know, healing is in layers. Like, we're like onions and we peel the layers. So you might get emotional pain like fear of men at one level. And then you go to another level and you get to deal with it at another level.

And then another level. And it seems redundant and repetitive, but it's absolutely necessary. Oh, yeah. So in 2019, my youngest daughter had an eating disorder and she was hospitalized. And while there, they taught her that eating disorders are a, maternal wound basically taught her to blame me. And I'm not saying that she didn't experience generational trauma. She 100% did. Like I had traumatic childhood. Her dad had a very traumatic childhood. Neither of us were healed. So it was, you know, not, you know, balanced healthy family. My children did not develop

a secure attachment to self. They have, you know, an avoidant attachment style or an anxious attachment style like their dad, like me. So anyway, I went home after I put up an argument like, you know, I don't exist in a vacuum. Like, this is a family dynamic, and they didn't want to hear it. My brain told me that I'd be better off. My kids would be better off with a dead mother than a live one. And I had just refilled all my medications. I took, like, 120 trazadone, like, not 120, like, trasone, maybe 60 or 80, like about 120 kilometers.

I don't know how I lived. Like, you know, Ambien, Somo was in there. And I just, I was just done. I went upstairs. I lay down and I fell right to sleep. like I just let go. I was just done. And I was in my late 40s.

And so next morning, my older daughter, she was 18 at the time, came to get me to visit my younger daughter who was 16 at the time. My son was 20. And then she saved my life. Wow. So that's the beginning of my book. And then the rest of my book gets into once I was ready, I started attracting men into my life to show me my wounds. and two of those men were Justin Waller and Andrew Tate. Wow.

You know, and so that, you know, I didn't see coming, but was, you know, fascinating nonetheless. Yeah, absolutely. I know Tate, of course, I mean, he's the, I would say of the two, the more famous, but Waller, I think I've heard the name. I don't remember who he is exactly. He's just, I mean, he's Andrew's best friend. Oh, okay, gotcha. He has red hair, you know, like 6-3, he has his own steel construction.

company. I mean, very traumatic childhood, very accomplished man, just like the rest of these men, just like me, very traumatic childhood, very accomplished adult. And it actually, Winston Churchill had a quote that that helped me understand. It's like, and I have it in the book of my final thoughts. And, you know, he said that it is often said that famous men are often the product of unhappy childhoods. Yeah. I mean, there's something to be said for that. There's a wealth of wisdom in stuff like, you know, even tropes, the trope of the tortured artist. It's like, well, why do so many artists, creators, people who accomplish seem to have rough or difficult childhoods or terrible experiences in their past? And it's partly, I think, because that's in a lot of ways required for

most people to get them to a place where they can do something great. Now, a lot of people take the other path by choice or through ignorance or lack of motivation, whatever, and they deteriorate, degenerate, fall apart, get into addictions and other bad behaviors, self-destructive and destructive towards the world around them. And then the opposite of that. But it's funny how a lot of that comes from the same types of trauma experiences, just are different responses to it. And I mean, if, you know, people were to stop watching, you know, 10 minutes in, the one takeaway I would want them to have is, you know, it's, you get to choose how you respond to these things and how you, you know, integrate those experiences and, and what you use the pain for is, is really a big deal.

It's like I, you know, I've said this for, for years, but that, you know, pain, fear, and anxiety are not your enemies. They're your friends. Now, they are unpleasant to experience. Hey, speaking of which, she said, that is unpleasant. I'm not having it. But it's beneficial because they serve as useful warnings. I mean, if you are in pain, something's physically wrong with your body.

If you're in emotional pain, if you're afraid, you want to pay attention to that fear because maybe your life's in danger. Maybe someone is trying to hurt you and you should do something about that. Same with anxiety. You've got unresolved problems. Things are not confronted. head on and making a plan to conquer. And hopefully, hopefully, if used properly, these things serve as motivators to get us out of bad situations.

So you don't have to experience the pain, the fear, the anxiety anymore because you fixed it. You solved it. And then you get into, you know, what's a mental disorder, the idea that, well, there's no direct threat in the environment. You are in no danger and yet you have fear out of proportion. portion. Okay, we call that paranoia. Maybe you're being a little paranoid. Now, but then that gets complicated too because people, uh, people say, oh,

you're just being paranoid, but they're gaslighty motherfuckers and they're taking advantage of you and they don't want you to trust your gut. And so you got to be, got to be careful with that. It's always good. If you don't have a therapist, at least have a friend, someone you can talk to and say, what do you think about this? Uh, and anyway, I've talked, talk long enough to you said you, you said you helped Tate earlier. Like you've been in contact with him and, and he, um, tapped you as a resource for some,

understanding. Yeah. Okay. So I'd like to touch on, I'll get to that question a second. Oh, sure. Please. Start wherever you want. An important question. If I want to like back up. Oh, yeah. So in like, so. So I started attracting all these men into my life. And I'm like, well, why is this happening? And why do they all have so many women? And it's just to be one man, multiple women. Like, I've never had that. Like, you know, what is going on? So I looked in so many places. And I'm trying to understand why, why there's so many hills. and valleys in my life. Why do I have so much emotional pain? Why do I have so many failed relationships?

Like, why, why, why, why, why? So one of the disciplines I lean on are physicists. Physicists have proven that we all have energy bodies or souls. And all of our souls are constantly communicating through our heart space like Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about this in his books. You know, he's the famous neuroscientist, right? So our souls plan our lives. based on the laws of physics. So in my book, I have in the beginning, it's called My Perspective, will I kind of go over the science behind my perspective of healing trauma and why I call myself a trauma to enlightenment coach

and how trauma and enlightenment are, how trauma is a necessary pre-weckers it for to experience enlightenment? So here's the experiment. There's two identical balls and two tracks are the same distance, They're equidistant. One is slightly downhill, and one has hills and valleys. So the distance traveled on that track is technically longer, but, you know, the same distance. Which one reaches the finish line first?

I have actually seen this experiment. I'm aware of it. Counterintuitively, the longer space, and it's because of the acceleration into the valleys. Sorry to steal your thunder on that one. I just had to prove I know some things too. I'm a nerd. I'm a total nerd. Like I translate 12th century Taoist texts from classical Chinese to English for my master's degree.

Nice. All my family are all engineers. Some of the books I published I had to translate Greek and Latin. Yeah, that was good times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the dirt. Okay. So anyway, I remind myself of that all of the time.

Like if you want to get to the top of Mount Everest, which is what I call enlightenment, how deep into a valley of darkness and preparation to unearths? more self-belief out of your shadow, more self-confidence, get your body strong and your gut strong and your lungs strong. You got to go through it, right? If you want to get up onto the, you know, Mount Everest and see from that viewpoint, do the work. But what I see is, and I rely on a lot of Carl Young, right? So the first experience enlightenment, I didn't, you know, I'll tell that story in a second. Like, I didn't understand and I had to explain to my kids. And this is the quote that helped me the most. One does not become enlightened by imagining beings of light,

which is kind of the slightly downhill track, the everyone's equal, everybody has food, all of that, like life is easy, right? But by making the darkness conscious. And that's the old balance. You go into the darkness. You get more propulsion, more momentum, and that propels you to the next mountain top. And we can't get a lot on the laws of physics. It's the laws of the universe. Like our souls, there's something called soul logic. because I call it like there's a way of things. There's healthy masculinity and there's healthy femininity. There is a way of things.

We can't just decide to be a man and be a woman. And that's like, that's not progress. And what a lot of people think progress is, having an idea in seeing if it works. That's not progress. Progress is opening your heart, downloading universal wisdom like the universe is a mirror or like the two ball experiment,

which is like universal knowledge. It's kind of like how, you know, we didn't invent the table of, of, you know, what is it, all the chemicals. We didn't invent it. We observed it, you know, in nature. Discovered it. Yeah.

I actually, I actually have a theory that humans don't invent anything. That invention is an act of creation and we can't actually create. We are creations who exist in a creation. All we can do is discover what's already present. And that includes new ideas. That those ideas are waiting for us to discover them, but we're not ready for them yet or haven't figured out how to get a look at them from the right angle. And I just want to say this before I completely forget,

I'm going to throw it back to you. You just, like I love aphorisms, little witty phrases. You just made me think of this. Wisdom does not start with a W. It starts with a Y. Why, W-H-Y. Anyway, I love that little phrase. It works better in writing than if you speak it, but it's funny.

Like things like that, like that tube, every time I'm like, why is it so, I'm like, fucking two-ball experiment? Mm-hmm. Get me every time. I'm like, you know, and so I get frustrated, but then I need some me, some psychology, some radical acceptance. This is how reality is created. And our souls plan our lives based on our wounds.

Like you hear so many women, why aren't there any good men out there? Okay, girlfriend, you know why you don't see any good men? Because you're not a good woman. And the universe is a mirror. So, and we have all the mirror neurons in our head. And that's how we learn because the universe is a mirror. That's how we see ourselves. That's how we improve ourselves.

So that's why I attracted these men into my life. And I'll, you know, so I'll get back to Justin and Andrew. So the first one, you know, chess champion, multi-millionaire met him at yoga. And it was just like the first one at yoga, we talked. And he talked to me and I lit up, but I didn't know why, but then I immediately shut down. Because these men have multiple women. And I wasn't ready yet. I had to do a few more medicine journeys the next year.

And then a year later, I finally talked to him. And during our first conversation, my lower back pain that started when I was 15 years old, and that's important. And my sensitive scalp went away during our first conversation. And I always thought, was it my dad trauma? Like, I didn't understand who it was. But I'm like, okay, well, I'm believing in myself. I'm loving myself. I drew healthy boundaries.

It made him super attracted to me. He had more interest in me. Okay, maybe I'm on to something. So that was the first guy. But then he kind of introduced me to the whole one man, multiple women. And I never wanted to date with any of these guys, even my guy from high school that they all led me back to. I was like, what in the world? You have this woman and you want me to be one of what?

Huh? You know, it was a whole new world to me. So I had a lot of questions about male sexuality and that I didn't understand. And so in June of 2022, my intuition guided. I said seeing Justin on two of YouTube videos from Fresh and Fit, which is kind of the red hot center on YouTube of all players of Red Pill. And I've called myself Red Pill Shaman, like, that's in the book. And they specifically say, we don't do spirituality.

I'm like, okay, well, that's why I win. And I'll tell you why I win in a second. So because you're just like denying reality. how reality is created and you're all over here thinking you're all okay well we'll see i'm a mother i got something to protect more than you do because none of you guys have kids and or if you do have kids it's multiple women and multiple kids that's not a nuclear family that's just oh i got someone pregnant that's not you know it's not like i got married to my ex-husband married 10 years had kids like you want to come for a mother you got then you know so this is basically red pill shaman

coming to red pill over monogamy and how they treat women because i'm done with it Yeah, there's a big difference between successful procreation on the genetic and species level and actually forming a family. And then maybe giving that family the best chance to, you know, succeed in the world and, you know, children as well. Yeah, I don't think polygamy, I think is the word, is, what am I trying to say? It's absolutely not for everybody. And it's almost, I don't know, you get into some of those. situations too where it's like you look at uh say Elon Musk and he is certainly able to provide for all of his children and that's but that's not it's not just financial it's also involvement you know you have

too many kids too many separate places with too many different mothers and now you're you're spread too thin you can't really provide to them the full value of what you might have to offer so it's just suboptimal i look at a lot of situations like you know i'm not talking about good or bad i'm talking about what works better than others. And sometimes what works better is the good moral choice in that sense. Sometimes. Anyway, tangent on that one. Go ahead.

No, I mean, I ask, okay, what creates a secure attachment to self? And one of the questions I have for these guys is, well, okay, let's talk. We all know, and there's tons of scientific data showing that a healthy nuclear family is the bedrock of a stable society. We know that when you love someone and you sleep next, to them at night, your nervous systems regulate each other, and you have a lot less illness. There's so many scientific studies pointing that monogamy is healthier than polygamy. And so also, if you want to ask it from like a laws of physics perspective, you know,

the woman's a center, and the man orbits with providing and provisioning, how could one man, based on laws of physics, successfully orbit around multiple centers? Can the earth rotate around multiple suns? No, it can't, which shows you it's out of alignment. So I'm going to share a story. I'll share it in a minute. So let me get back to Jeff and Andrew. Well, that also reminds me of the recent Netflix show called The Three Body Problem,

which was based on a book, which is based on a mathematical astrophysics quandary, which is we could tell how two stars rotate around each other. But if you have three stars, it's impossible to calculate. They call it the three body problem because you don't know which one's influencing which and where to assign the poll. So yeah, it's just like once you go beyond the pairing of one man, one woman, it introduces unnecessary. And that's what we get a lot of people. Okay, this is more than I was going to say that I interrupted. But we get a lot of people who say, well, there's nothing wrong with polyamory.

I have so much love to give. And I spend all my time with these different people. I'm like, but you can't. It's almost impossible to get to know one person over a lifetime. Yeah. Trying to get to know two people is double impossible. So your only chance of success is really narrowing it down, focusing in on one person and doing everything you, you know, as Jordan Peter would say, everything you bloody well can to really be that support. And to have just one person who is in your corner 110% and you're in theirs.

They've always got your back. The person who's not going to betray you. Now this is ideal. Marriages go bad. People are shitty. Yeah. It happens. But this is what we're aiming towards.

And if you. So number one. you might not always achieve it if you aim at it, but if you don't aim at it, you're never going to achieve it. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Okay, I'm going to stop there. Go ahead, go ahead.

But totally, I know. I mean, that is true. And they're denying the dual nature of reality. And they don't value women's ability to create life. And that femininity fuels masculinity, you know. And so we get into all those arguments. I'll get into the second,

how they get into that. But basically, one day when I downloaded Monogamy is the path to enlightenment that was the same day fresh and fit was demonetized on YouTube. Oh wow. A bunch of all stars aligning type of stuff.

Yeah. So I'll get into why that happened and how that's why you've got to open your heart and download wisdom. I don't decide what wisdom is. I download it and then figure out how to align with it. You know, I didn't decide

the universe is a mirror. It is a mirror. I didn't decide. Just observe it. This is radical. This is reasonable. Oh, this is reality. Okay, let me align with that.

Okay, that's reality. Okay, one plus one equals two because one plus one will never equal three like trans kids. You know, that's not Armageddon that we're cutting off kids genitals. I don't know what is. Like, oh, my gosh. Yeah, I'm very much of the opinion that puberty is a human right. We don't mess with that. And we don't cut off healthy body parts at all ever.

Anyway, long-for-share-shund. Okay. Okay, so I read out of Justin in June of 2022. He got right back to me with a voicemail. He was racing Lamborghinis in France. But that's our souls have a plan, right? My soul and his soul plan for this to happen. Like Andrew Tate and his soul and my soul had a plan for us to interact the way we do, you know.

And so I think that's one thing that main lesson people can take away is our souls have a plan. And they make that plan based on the laws of physics and based on the wounds buried in our subconscious so we can unearth those wounds and turn them into wisdom and become a better version of ourselves. That's why we have challenges in life. We're not going to change if things don't hurt. Oh, things are comfortable. Cool. This is another margarita.

Nobody changes anything until it stops working. I change, right? So that was June. And then it took me about two months of interact with Justin a little bit over DM, not much. You open his heart to me. So when Andrew got canceled in August of 2022, Two weeks after that, I reached out to Justin and said that, you know, John Gray, you know, believes in him that men need to act like men to be, you know, to be healthy. Now, granted, Justin and Andrew help a lot of people in a lot of ways.

I just don't agree with the polyamory. Like, I don't agree with that, with the poly lifestyle. But a lot, they helped a lot of people, and I support that. So, so anyway, then he got right. Oh, thank you, Carrie. I really appreciate it because he just, he needs that emotional support. and I, you know, I attract based on my anxious attachment style, which I think I'm healed from it now, but traditionally I've had an anxious attachment style and I'm sexually repressed.

Okay, what's the opposite of that? And avoided attachment style that sexually over-expressed. I'm suppressed, which means my energetic opposite is overexpression. So if you, you know, so if you kind of analyze relationships based on laws of physics, it really helps us understand and accept, you know, I have wounds equal to those guys' wounds. It doesn't make them more messed up than me. We're equally messed up just in different ways. It's so common for women to say, well, he's messed up, and I'm not that bad.

And I had an example of my book where the first guy had a special relationship with a yoga instructor who's also a dominatrix. So we were learning before class one day. So she starts stomping around his mat to reclaim him. and he lays down to, like, protect himself from the invisible whip. And I mean, like, I'm not that messed up. And I went home like, oh, man, he's on the counterbalance to me. I'm exactly that messed up. He had to open.

You know what to disappear, motherfuckers. Let's go, right? Yeah, yeah. And I had to own some shit, okay? So then it gets me to why and irritated my life. So from my, from the time I was young, like, I rejected myself. And I saw this one statue, a picture of it, it was grief. And it shows the head and then the arms.

But the whole center, like the whole body is just empty. You just see right through the person, the skyline and the ocean. And you see the legs. And I was just, I had rejected so much of myself from my childhood trauma and internalized the way my parents thought of themselves. Their projected self-hate. And I internalized it like, I'm the problem and I'm wrong. And I just got to make everybody else happy. And I just, you know, upset everybody.

and I trigger everybody and I'm just, I'm just bad. You know, I'm just bad, you know. And so from the time I'm in kindergarten, had a hard time making friends. And so I've been alone most of my life. So when I, when I, when I, when that was when in August of 2022, when Justin got back to me and then we started damning more, he opened his heart to me.

And that's, that's the woman's work, right? Like women are the emotional center. So, you know, the secure attachment to self, that's women's work. I'm glad you brought that back around too, because I was going to make a comment on that. So there's a political fight going on, culture work, as they say.

And one of those cultural aspects is what is the appropriate social roles of men and women? And there's one side that says, we are tabula rasa. We're the same. We can each do anything the other can do. And we're interchangeable cogs. And there's the other side that says, that's obvious for shit. because we're very different. And it's, you can just observe it.

But so I lean very heavily into the, you know, we seem to be built differently, not the least of which is men plant the seed, women carry the seed. And that is something men cannot do, nor can women do it without men's contribution. It's like we each have a different role to play in the reproductive process. Even if we're both having sex, it's the result is different for each one of us. And so from time immemorial, you get that thing where, uh, where women, because of their, am I still recording?

My camera's still on. I don't know. I heard it. D-de-lute. Everything seems fine. Fuck it. You know, where because of women's unique role,

they stay closer to the hearth. And they're surrounded by other women and children, your tribal style, and men go out to battle the world. And that hasn't really changed in the modern age other, except that the opportunity

to experiment with a different model has been presented. And we're doing that. in my estimation, it doesn't seem to be working out so good. But, you know, and I think just physically the way we're constituted, men being larger, stronger, I'll phrase it that, you know, if you want to put it in a, even quasi-feminist, I don't think, small F, whatever, type of way is that, you know, men are designed to be beasts of burden that serve women in a way.

And now not to denigrate men, but in the idea of they, they do the dirty work, the hard work, the heavy lifting, and what they're, You're what women's, since women can't do it physically. So we've got that laws of physics thing going on there. And it's no shame. It's no shame to women that they're, that they're different, you know. Say again. We can give birth, but this is like my whole book, Feminine pain is, you know,

they want me to be in my, that society and my childhood trauma pushed me into my masculine, you know, like, why does a woman like me be, I'm 5, 5.5. beautiful figure, smart, kind, open, fun, can speak, can dance. Why do I need a college degree? I should have had men lining, which, okay, you could see the men in my life that I attracted, and I attracted them based on my heart space, not because I'm having sex. No sex. That's why I could attract them, right?

Yeah. And they're, you know, their opposite. And also the thing, I'm going to imagine, like, okay, so all these men, they're all over six feet tall. Like the fire captain, six, seven, the other fire engineer is six four. Like they're all like my guy from high school was league champlain and wrestling. You know, like I have no chance physically against these guys. Where do I have a fighting chance? Yeah, not physically.

That's why I was breaking it down too. It's like this. The complementation of opposites. One thing I like to say to or, you know, in my head, I've thought of this before. And I think I probably put it on Twitter. Was that an announcement or a notification for you? Oh, that's fine. That, uh, was, uh, you know, saying to women, hey, ladies, you 3D print new humans.

Can we, can we have something to be proud of too? Can we be the ones that bring home the bacon? Can we, can we work this out? Because if you've got, and that's why, uh, you know, so because men are better suited to being beast of burden, they've, it's the most effective, efficient, best possible arrangement that men go out and do that job. Well, what do men need in return? And they need a, you know, literally a soft breast to lay their head upon to be a respite from the world.

They don't want to come home and do battle with an adversary who's competing for dominance in the home. You know, and I know women think a lot of them are very resentful of that idea of what, oh, you think we should be ruled by men? Not ruled. Ruled. Ruled is the wrong way. Lead. Leadership is not domination. It is.

It's violence. It's orchestration. Yeah, yeah. And what it means is, you know, just because you're the king doesn't mean you don't have advisors. And it doesn't mean you don't do what they say. Actually, most of the time you're probably going to do what they say because they're pretty damn smart. And if you married a woman, it's probably because you respect her and her opinion and you want her to be happy. So even if sometimes the king might say, I'm going to do something else.

But like 98% of what you want is not enough. I can't make 2% of the decisions where it's just me saying no. I want to put my foot down on this one. I think there's a little bit. There's, yeah, there's a tremendous amount of resentment out there. And maybe it comes from, you know, men being, there's a lot of, let's say, hardcore misogynists on online. And they'll say, even they will say, uh, the problem with women is men.

It's men's fault. We let them get away with it. We could put our foot down and we don't. And I tend to agree with them. It's like, yeah, this is all men's fault. There's problems on both sides. It's true. It's true.

That's my book. Okay. Exactly my book. Is all of this problem about. Let's get into your book and talk to talk more about that. Okay. So let me, I'll go back to Justin and Andrew. So this is like chapter. Like I call them all my heroes and Justin and Andrew are heroes two and three. I'm glad you brought that up to. I had a comment on that. I'll get back to it.

Yeah. And so I had to call them my heroes because they mirrored my wounds back to me. Was I mad at them? Was I pissed off of them? Oh, many times and all of them pissed off, yelled, screamed at home, whatever. But when I settled down and processed my emotional pain, I have to be grateful because they showed me myself. and Andrew showed me so many parts of myself that I needed to have the, like, the courage and bravery to write the book and believe that, like, I can bring this to a film adaptation with a global media company,

the size of which could handle in Andrew Tate, okay, to, you know, not say who it is, but in a way say who it is, you know, and that I can get traditionally published. I mean, I'm just self-published right now. So to go from self-published to traditionally published is like 1 to 2% of self-published books. books get that privilege.

And to have a film adaptation out of a self-published book is less than one in a million. So I'm extremely fortunate to be in this. But why is that? Because my soul did the work up front to download so much wisdom so that I am that influential so that when my book comes out, people's hearts are open to it because people are just, you know, dying for healing. So and this is, you know, Justin and Andrew. So when I landed in Justin's heart that night, I could see that he had imbalances in his heart.

I'm like, oh, he needs some work here and here. Okay, okay. I'll go to sleep. You know, but that's women's work. And, you know, I can't physically fight these men and say monogamy, bitches. Like, you know, I can't. The only the fight, the fight that I have in me is to help connect them to their soul. So they download more wisdom.

And then they come back conclusion on their own. And one Cherokee proverb, I've leaned on, like the three pieces of wisdom I lean on, the two-ball experiment, the universe is a mirror. I said four. And then the Cherokee proverb, I'll say in a second. And then triggers are our healing friend and not our healing foe. When the pains of the surface, we can process it. So, but with, oh, yeah, the Cherokee proverb, this is what it says.

A woman's highest calling is to connect a man to his soul so he can unite with source energy. A man's highest calling is to protect a woman so she can walk the earth unharmed. And this sets us up for success. Physiological, emotional, hormonal success. Like, why are so many hormone problems right now? One reason is when women act like men, we create too much testosterone. When men act like women, too much in their emotions, they create the feminine hormones. And then that's one reason we're so hormonally out of balance, negatively impacting our ability to procreate.

And we're 20 years from population collapse. You know, if sex is promiscuity brought about more kids, we'd be having it. But it doesn't. And feminism and sexual promiscuity, you know, go hand in hand. So there's a, there's a kind of, I don't know if you'd call it epigenetic. It's not exactly. It's not, it's the right, right ballpark, wrong concept, but something like that. But they have shown that daughters who grow up without a father tend to have an earlier onset of puberty and a higher testosterone level.

and a more, and then psychological responses to be more hypersexual to, to attract the man to their life that's been missing. And that you find that less often when they've had a stable father in the home. So yet more research that proves, you know, monogamy better than polygamy. You don't want to do that way. But speaking of that, this, and I wanted to make this point, too, it's like you said about your heroes. And heroism, the heroism, the hero's journey is something that scales from the micro level

of the macro level. It's universally true at all levels, which is one way you know, what truth is, is it true here and there and there all at the same time? Yes. Long story short on that one. So you can have a legitimately terrible person who's done horrible, horrible things, and in one moment of interaction with them, they can perform a heroic deed that benefits you,

and they could be your hero from that moment, no matter what else they've done. So I look at that with the, let's say, Andrew Tate's situation, it's like a quote that I put out there that I think I formulated, but who knows if I stole it, I can never remember. They got Swiss cheese for brains. only children demand perfection from their heroes. And that's, I mean to say, when we're children, we look at Superman.

We look at, you know, he's truth, justice in the American way. He's a boy scout. He's always trying to do the moral and right thing. And he's physically and vulnerable, all just literal human perfection, although he's an alien, but set that aside. It's funny how people on Krypton look exactly like. like humans. Very, very strange that one.

Anyway, but part of becoming an adult is you accept, well, your heroes have flaws. And another quote, and I don't think I came up with this one, but I love these. This is another book I need to write on the aspirational aphorism and what these things really mean. But the idea that, you know, growing up means accepting that people are flawed and that they can still be good. That the quote I was thinking of is that great men are very rarely good men in a sense. of, you know, like, they're going to make all kinds of mistakes. Maybe they were a womanizer, philanderer behind the scenes. Maybe they had a drug addiction.

Maybe they, you know, made horrible mistakes in their childhood, went to prison for it, came out, reformed, and went on to do great things. It doesn't erase the past, but also the past doesn't erase their accomplishments on what they've done. So I have the same thing on Andrew Tate and Elon Musk is like, we can look at it and go, we might wish they weren't spreading their seed quite so thin. That's not the that's not optimal, but does it negate everything else they're doing? No, it doesn't. You take the good with the bad.

You don't have to endorse the bad. You can say, well, that's not good. But let's set that aside and focus on this other stuff that is relevant. So, yeah, I just wanted to get that out there. You know, there's many different ways to be a hero. You know, it doesn't. There's not only one, there's one formula that has like infinite variables and expression. It's amazing.

So, okay, I'll stop there. That's a lot. No, no, like, I'll get into. what Andrew showed me about myself. Okay? And so I go to bed. There was like a Tuesday night. I wake up the next morning. And Andrew Tate and Sterling Cooper,

Justin's other good friend who he was living with at the time, their souls were hanging out. And Sterling was just making sure everybody's okay. He's like, I just want to make sure. And Andrew was, you know, quite upset. You know, he had, he can't speak on YouTube anymore. He lost his channel and he got his payment processing center taken away. Rightfully or wrong, you know, I'm not judge or jury here.

That's not my role. my role is to help connect him to his soul, right? So, but it was interesting when I arrived in his life because it seemed like I'm working in lockstep with someone. Hmm. My guy from high school is former FBI. We'll get to that in a minute. Okay.

So, so anyway, then that day, and the next day I started to be showing questions. Like, you want me to interrogate him out? And my guy, he's an interrogation expert, right? In my intuition, a male soul is telling me, what to do. Okay, you're going to ask him this, yes, and this. I'm like in person, like, is he going to be locked up? Like, you want me to confront it? No, Andrew, what? You know? So then the next day, it's like, no, you're going to do it from home. We're just going to talk to his soul. I'm like,

okay, that I can do, right? I can talk to his soul as long as he ain't in the same room, like, we're cool. And so, um, so then I started asking him questions. Like, why was it necessary for you personally to stomp around the globe screaming, I'm a man? Like, you know, I'm holding up the mirror, you know, trying to like hit him at exact emotional points to help him unearth this wound from his shadow, which was in his root chakra, which would typically be a maternal wound, typically. Now, again, I haven't talked to Andrew, so I'm not going to say what he told me, but that was one question. Another question was, um, why was it necessary for the universe to turn up the volume on your healing message so loudly that you got kicked off social media and had your payment

processing center disconnected? What the fuck? dude like this is like soul level like dude like we're holding space but like you're pushing it and so finally after like two minutes of really intense questioning he's like i'll just tell you and so men this is what i appreciate about men is that a competitor will know when he's lost out of respect for the game done i had you know and so that i finally had like who a mask led to you as a child okay i'll just freaking tell you cool but that that That is, you know, that's Andrew Tate, like being, you know, one of the best competitors in the planet. Four-time UFC world champion.

I want to see someone, you know, how many people can beat that? Like, that takes some serious, like, pulling pain out of your shadow, finding self-belief and self-confidence in, you know, did he do it all in balanced ways? Probably not. Probably not, you know? But that's like, did Winston Churchill accomplish everything he accomplished because everything was balanced? He's an alcoholic and a womanizer too, I think. Like, you know, we haven't figured it out yet. Like, we're still figuring ourselves out.

We're figuring out how to be, you know, a soul, having a human experience that our emotions are about ourselves that the universe is a mirror, showing us ourselves in every moment. If you see someone else being, you know, selfish, that's the time to ask yourself, oh, how am I selfish? Because the universe is a mirror. You see someone else being an asshole, think, how am I being an asshole? Now, I'm not saying those other people aren't being selfish and aren't being a an asshole probably are but we have no control over that and worrying about them distracts the person

from taking care of themselves and the only way to improve the planet is to open your own heart so that you can share that with other people and help them open their hearts and it's you know changing the world's an inside job absolutely you know that about started but yeah go ahead sorry well while you were mentioning that sometimes i got to get ideas out or they're just gone it's like if i choose not to say it it's i'm never going to say it so uh it just inspired me to think of the uh the the idea of, you know, I'm not a Christian, but I have an appreciation of many different mythologies. And one of them is the Christian mythology, so to speak. And one of the great phrases that I think there's so much misunderstanding about how these things actually work. So I'll give

the phrase first, you know, judge not less ye be judged. And a lot of people misunderstand that as you can never discern good from bad. You're not allowed to say, I judge that, I don't want it in my life. It's like you're not allowed to draw boundaries. That's not what that means at all. Yeah. But what it is is, you know, any standard you apply to others is also a judgment against yourself. Do I meet that standard? So by judging, you are judging yourself as much as the other person. Exactly what you say is like, I judge that person to be an asshole.

Why? What are those behaviors? And then the mirror part is, and some people don't go this next step. They block it out or they legitimately lack the IQ. I don't know what it is with some people, but they don't go, oh, wait a minute, do I do those things? Now I've created and I'm enacting a standard. Do I meet my own standard? That's, I think, what that phrase really means.

So go ahead. Yeah, I mean, like, I love Carl Young and he says, what irritates us about others leads us to an understanding of ourselves, right? And so many people are in fight or flight right now are just responding to trauma. Like this whole communism, socialist thing, victim oppressor, that's fight or flight. either good or you're bad. Pick which one. Yeah. It's a very,

it's a very borderline splitting type of thing. You're with us or you're against us. You're one of the good people. Yeah. And then, and the, oh, sorry, daughter. I hit the cat with a pen. There's a very cult-like, you know,

you're either in and you believe literally everything or if you disagree on one thing, you're out. I mean, the cult is 100%. It's all or nothing. Yeah. And it comes from childhood trauma. They're looking for that death,

you know, the easy, glide through life because no one taught them this is life. Like I hear people saying well now is not a good time to have a kid. I said oh because 200 years ago with a high infant and maternal mortality rates like that was a good time when half kids died

half of the kids died. Oh yeah. How about during the 100 years war in Europe or before that during the Black Plague? I mean people or before that when we were living in caves over one. Yeah yeah. Like there was never

a good time. But okay, so anyway, okay, keep going with Andrew. So, so that happened and then I helped Justin for about another month and then one day I, my intuition said, tell him that God says thank you. Now, I don't know, because, you know,

Andrew Tate said, you know, the powers that be took me out and that Justin just cut me off, like out of nowhere, just cut me off, I'm gone, wouldn't talk to me anymore. I'm like, okay, I don't know if God says is something, you know, that people understand, and that someone's, you know, God on earth would be FBI, CIA, Musa, you know,

and my ex-husband's Israeli, right? So, and who did special work for the Israeli military he couldn't talk about for 30 years. He never used the word Musad, but, you know, he spoke Arabic and Hebrew and English really well. Could be, you know, it could be. So anyway, so what happened? And then I went back to a guy at yoga. So there was a fire engineer, he's younger, and he was kind of checking me out at yoga, I didn't know he was a fire engineer.

He's like, you know, six, four, perfect body, like hot yoga. I'm like, okay, damn, okay. Okay, you know, okay. And the first guy yoga had left to start, because the yoga instructor who, he was a dominatrix, started her own yoga studio, you know? Okay, all the fun stuff. So I start interacting with the fire engineer and everything.

And then Andrew gets thrown in solitary confinement. So I was fond to support him in solitary confinement because I resonated with being that lonely. I would sit in my garage. I'm in now. It was dark and in my recliner. And I would just talk to his soul and help himself reflect, you know, because why did I need that as a mirror in my life? Because I needed to understand how lonely I have felt my whole life because I rejected so much of myself. So I had failed relationships left, right and center, no long term friendships, a lot of alone time.

And granted, I needed that, like my travels in China instead of a lot of alone time, that I needed a lot of alone time to process all my emotional pain. I needed to be able to do it, but that's not a healthy, balanced woman to have so much alone time, you know. But, you know, my soul planned my life, okay, take on the problems of the day, you know, all the paternal wounds. If I read, oh, if you have a father wound, you have all these problems, like, yeah, I got those. Oh, if you have a maternal wound, you have all these problems. I'm like, yeah, I got those too. Yeah, it's not one of the other.

Drop me in, fuck me up, and then I'm going to figure it out. And that's my, I love it. I love it. Like that's, let me, like, engineering left brain, let me figure it out. So when I was talking to Andrew Soul, you know, I'd ask him questions like, okay, Andrew, so. So you know that your external reality is a reflection of your internal reality and how you feel about yourself, right? He's like, yeah. I said, okay, Andrew.

So from that perspective, why are you? in solitary confinement, you know? And I take it down to a soul level because that is the connection to the soul and that is women's work. Like, you know, I got to all these guys and helped them all become far more balanced without ever going on a date,

without ever letting them have sex with me. That is proving a point. These men in Red Pell, well, what are women good for? Babies and sex. Okay, okay, oh, yes, but self-reflection is feminine. Forgiveness is feminine. And they're like, oh, we don't need women to self-reflect. Right.

You're so busy being right. being better than women that you only attract in women who don't intellectually challenge you. Of course you don't. You know, like my brother, well, you know, I'm always right. I'm like, yeah, because you attract in people who agree that you're always right. And that's validating your emotional pain. You can't be wrong because you can't handle it. You are so wrong as a child.

This is your, you know, this is like the other. So if I'm wrong there, I'm right here, you know. And so my brother, I'm just like these guys, you know. Well, there's also a, well, there's so many things broken in our culture. It's one of the reasons we're in a culture world. But one, one thing we seem to miscommunicate. And I say we, it's like, I'm not doing it, but there's messages out there, the dominant narrative, so to speak. There's a, I'm just trying to conceptualize this.

There's, I think, a false dichotomy. You either respect the woman or you view her as a object of sexual desire. and what we've done is split something that was not meant to be split in that in that formulation. The ideal merging is for you to have respect for and intellectually engage and spiritually engage with the person who is also an object of your sexual desire. So that you merge those two things rather than saying, you know, it's a, what is it, the Madonna and the horror complex. That type of thing where a woman is one or the other. No, ideally, she's both. She's a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, as they say.

One man. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, the same thing, too. With that, I don't know if there's a, well, no, and it works both ways. It's not a gendered thing as far as only how men view, but women, too, is like, she should not just look to him as a beast of burden to be put to the fields. And, and, but also, you know, if you have a, to continue the analogy, if you have a horse, you got to, make sure his hooves are in good condition and that is, you know, in Kurt Curry

and groom and make sure he's fed and watered so that he can have the full energy to get out there and plow the field. That's kind of that, you know, and since you can't pull a plow the way the horse can, women to men, then you've got to do the, you know, there's a

what is it, a denigration in some ways. There's an elevation of the, of the hero and less so of the support classes. And that's, I get it. I get why that's necessary because if you were to build a hierarchy, I mean, the hero actually has to do the thing, but he can't do the thing without the components that come from other people around him with all the support he gets along the way. And that's why I,

you know, I look at myself, I'm not the hero. Don't look to me for, to be your savior or to, to fix all the problems in the world, not going to happen. I'm the, I'm the crazy hermit in the woods that you come across when you've lost your way. And he just says, you want to be back on track, But that's it. You want to get out of here? That way. You know, that's my job. That's all I do.

And then the hero does his thing and I stay in the woods. But that's the heroic work. The fact that you're able to sit in the darkness, see it in your solitude and be there for those, you know, wandering souls and direct them, that's heroic work too. Like I had to, you know, figure out that I am my own heroin.

No one's coming to rescue me. And if I want to figure out my own crap, I got to friggin do it. I mean, I am very blessed with a very, you have a great mind, highly analytical. I see problems. I used to be in risk and issue assessment at a major health insurance company. And I was highly made them pay millions of dollars of claims because I find

problems and I don't give up. And this is why I'm successful now is because I find problems and I don't give up. So this whole thing about women not understanding their role. So what I see and so what happened was I met the first fire engineer and then I got interested in the fire, the mental health problems in the fire department, but he's younger, and then he had sex with at least one married a yoga instructor. And so, you know, we did, but that's him. Not great, but you know. You know, but that's him working through his stuff, right? And then I got laid off in the fall of 2023, and this is all in the book, and I met the fire captain. And he, you know, six, seven, full head of hair, like, sexy with grit is an understatement for this man. Like, I saw him,

and I had seen him there, but my intuition didn't tell me to pay attention, but, you know, no shirt and just Levi's like, man's hot, okay? Hot, it stands and splits and hot yoga. Like, whoa, okay. I'm like, this has got to be my guy. Like, okay, he's like four years older than me. I can heal all the firefighters. He's, this has got to be my freaking guy, right?

So I see him by the water fountain. And I look at his shoulders and I thought to myself, I'm like, oh, well, if I stand here, maybe he'll stand next to me, right? And firefighters, a lot of them, like 57, there's 32 global studies showing that 57% of firefighters have PTSD. And if you have PTSD as adult, it means you do not have a secure attachment to self. You don't know how to process your emotional pain and that you got from your childhood. So then they also have, you know, and I have quotes in there, Dr. Gabor-Monte, so there's studies showing this too. So, you know, so I knew, okay, he's probably, you know, has his challenges, but also he's psychic.

So he turned around, and he's your 6, 7, I'm 5, 5.5. He turned around and right eye level to me. And I'm like, oh, you know, he just like took me, like, knew psychically that I was interested and just knew exactly how to get me. Now, granted, he was good at that. But the communication and the talking, okay, then we ran into challenges, right? So three months later, I had my first enlightenment experience. And I didn't know it was coming, even though in 2020. This was March of 2024 is when I had it.

In 2021, I was shown that I would experience enlightenment with a different man, not Tim in the book, my first hero, but a different man. And I'm like, okay, I was told, but I'm like, okay, whatever, I just kept going, you know? So I'm sitting in my chair for three days, just vibrating really high. And the second day, I heard enlightenment,

enlightenment, enlightenment, like an alarm going off on my head. It said it three times. So I understood how high I was vibrating. I'm like, zzzzz, I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink in the bathroom, like, z-z-z-z-z-z, you know, my chair. So, but that day, but right after that, I asked the universe, I'm like, okay, like, you know, what do I need to heal? And first we talked about the family challenges.

I'm like, well, that doesn't really explain my problems. Okay, let's take down to men and women. Oh, I just see my problems. Like, I just take you back at the beginning. There was God and then what happened next? Like, you know, we're so much up with the population collapse and everything. I'm just like, I will create a better society for my kids. It's like, I don't care.

You know, I'm so freaking done with this shit. There's a woman and there's a man. This ain't that hard, you know, but we're making it super hard. So the universe told me that, showed me that, you know, God, we refer to as a man, and God creates and orchestrates. I'm like, well, creation is feminine. So we're giving men credit for feminine work? This is the problem.

Yeah, okay, we're not valuing the feminine. That's what kind of came out. We're not valuing the feminine and the feminine's ability to create. And then right after that, my guy who I call Jared in the book from high school, his soul came through, which was kind of, I was surprised, but I also had a picture of him in my phone that I didn't want, I didn't remember in the moment reminding me that these kind of guys are attracted to me. I'm like, okay, because my ex-husband's like 5-7 and, you know, but I was always in control. I sought out men where I could be in control because that's how I felt, because I was in my masculine. Now I'm like, okay, want to get back on my feminine, the real man that, you know, over six foot tall, like, oh, no, you know, now I'm scared.

So I took that wisdom and I kept processing my pain. And then I wrote my book last summer and then I thought, you know, and I never got, you know, together with the fire captain. And I wrote like an email to the dean of public safety about potential dereliction of duty and the cadet program and the challenges I saw. and how, you know, they take an oath of office to protect the most vulnerable being women and children, but yet they're all sex addicts having sex with women and children in mothers, which destroys women's ability to pairbound as wives and mothers and were 20 years from population collapse.

Like, what the hell? You're the frigging fire department, and you're also destroying society? Now, granted, they have, you know, other problem, but I pointed out that it's the cadet program where I see the stopgap is, because if we can get to firefighters in the cadet program, before they've chosen a wife because most of them are male, right? And when they're still traumatized, they're in their feminines, are likely to attract a masculine woman who's not healthy in her heart space, and that would set them up for failure, for mental health failure. But if we can get them at the cadet level and get them to be more in their masculine,

then they're more likely to attract a feminine woman. They'll have that emotional support at home, which will give them long-term success as a fire. And I went over this with Jack and, you know, Jim, sorry, in the book. you know, I, like, saw the whole thing, and I gave them all that feedback. I'm like, hey, here's your problem, right? And so I wrote the book, and then a week later, I was guided to reach out to my guy from high school. I'm like, okay, all right, this guy, like right before the election. And that was November 3rd. And on that day, I was guided to make a bunch of Instagram posts on my Red Pill Shaman account, like feminine calling in her masculine, the pair bonds, like, you know, all showing me myself, right? So I reach out and then he immediately opens to me. And this is like where we're starting to get into some visions.

And then I was pretty quickly shown that when I was five and he was seven, now it's likely we were at elementary school together, but my memory is very poor and I haven't talked to him. But based on where his house was and my house was, we would have been at the same elementary school. Okay. And so it showed me how much I'm willing to just fight to help him connect to his soul, to get him. I would say, I love you and say his real name. And then I would encourage him to say it back because the universe is a mirror. If he says, I love you, Carrie, that means he loves himself in my presence. That's the mirror.

And so, but I just showed like the self-belief that he's my masculine and that I need to like scream from the top of Mount Everest to help him connect to his soul. and I would say that in terms of being avoidant, he was like 10 times the fire captain avoided. I mean, it was just, it was gnarly, gnarly, gnarly. But then I started being shown like visions. I'm like, I don't remember this happening. I remember him breaking into my house. I don't remember him throwing me over his shoulder

to have sex with me. Like these visions came through and that's really what I wanted to get it. We'll get it to a second. Yeah, yeah. But don't tell me too much until we actually start talking about it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So, but what I was shown, you know, in the midst, of that. I'm like, I'm like, okay, he's this special to me? Like, how our souls created? Because I know that we were all souls, and this is like evolution. We're all souls. We're all connected. Okay, we get it. Okay, now we want to experience ourselves. Well, we need a mirror for that. We need a mirror to see ourselves, and the best mirrors are opposite. You know what tall is? I know what short is. You know, you don't know what male is. You know what feminine is. I'm like, okay. Okay, so can you explain to me how the masculine and feminine souls are created? Yeah. I'm like, okay. They said, okay.

intent to create the masculine soul, creates the feminine soul, showing you how important intent is. Then the feminine soul tears out half of her heart chakra to create the masculine soul, right? Feminine souls are source energy. That's why we are the ones that help people attach to the soul, attach to yourself, secure attachment to self, right? Men are once removed. That's why men can detach from their emotions more easily. They're set up to deal with death. women are set up to deal with birth like we channel the soul and the baby

it all comes out of us right that's like we get that special then what special do men get they get to provide to protect give the name and you know I had a conversation with my older daughter who has her man like her always and forever you know and like so you're gonna take his last name and she you know

I knew she would but she's also in college and around all the feminism bullshit and I have to make sure because he knows I have his back like that's like a good mother-in-law is when the future son-in-law knows that the mother-in-law has his back, right, in the healthy way. And so I explained to her, I'm like, look, you get to channel the soul and the baby gets to be in you and come out of you. He gets to give the name.

That's his paternal line that he got, you know, he married this beautiful woman, is always in forever and this amazing woman's going to have his kids. That's what he gets. And like, but I have to drill it into my daughters just to have a chance because it's so bad, you know. But this is when I, when I've shown that wisdom, this is where women, because you see so many interviews, women, what do women bring? Oh, me? Well, what is that? They don't friggin know what it is to be a healthy, feminine woman to be able to lean a man through self-reflection, who, you know, guiding them in terms of holding space so they can communicate well.

Like, I have my book a whole list of things I had to be able to do, like forgive, compassion, nurturing, intuition, creativity, holding space, like processing my emotions. like so many feminine things. I had no idea how to do. So of course my marriage failed. Of course my relationships failed. And I had to take responsibility that I didn't know that. Now, sure, traumatic childhood, but my soul planned that. And if our souls are planning our lives, how is anyone a victim?

Yeah, I've had that thought to myself, too, that we kind of, we know what we're in for before we come here. And then we get here. So when I, rather than, you know, shake your fist at the sky and curse God, they say, I think Joe, one of his neighbors told Job to do that. Why don't you curse God? Like, you know, but for me, I curse myself. Like, why did I do this to myself? Why did I need this experience?

Fuck. But I wanted to expand a little bit on the male female energy thing. And, you know, why is the, say, the God of the Bible, a masculine. And it's ancient, ancient wisdom that feminine is chaos energy and masculine is order. And you need both. And the Egyptians had this with the God, Keck, the frog. God, frog-headed god, Keck, and his female counterpart, Hecett. So he was the, well, they inverted that a little bit too, but he was the, he was the god of chaos,

and she was the goddess of the new dawn or the new order after the night of chaos. But anyway, they had it backwards, but the, the women's, you know, and we don't look at this as order is superior to chaos, because chaos is, is creation. is creative energy. It's raw material. Nothing can be made without the materials. So you have to have the existing chaos of unassembled raw materials. And then you have to have a orderly process of putting them together into something useful. So really they are inseparable, essential parts of that. I love the yin yang. I call it one of the oldest names for God. Before we had language, we could draw a

circle and with the line and one half is dark and one half is light or whatever. And that's how people started to understand the universe. That's why I call it one of the oldest names for God. So yes. So the idea is that, you know, raw material without assembly is just, it has no utility. But a very powerful ability to assemble is nothing without raw material. So it's only ordered that way because the raw material has to take shape. and it was going to be one partner or the other.

It could have very well been, as the Egyptians conceived it, that the male frog energy was chaos. That's how they described it. And they described, I think they probably did it because, I could be, you know, Egyptian scholars out there, but feel free to correct me. But because they conceived of the, speaking of conception, though woman is the one who put the parts together to make a new human.

So that would be creating new order. It's a new, a new assembled person. They just reversed it, but they had the same concept, just in reverse. But anyway, I just wanted to throw that in there before. Yeah, I know. It's probably a pretty good time to try and jump into the vision thing. I mean, we're about an hour in, and I want to give you at least another hour to talk about the vision if we need that much time. Can I get water and go to the bathroom all quick?

Oh, yeah. Do you want to do just like a 10-minute break? I need like two, but whatever you want to do. I'll just be able to go. I was going to go smoke. I didn't have a smoke. That's fine. Okay.

Let me write down the time. You free to go and I'll be right back too. Benjamin the Dream Wizard wants to help you Here's the veil of night And shine the light of understanding Upon the mystery of dreams Every episode of his dreamscapes program Features Real Dreamers

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and at Benjamin the Dreamwizard.com. Okay. Good enough there. So I'm actually probably going to, let's start a new page. So I don't got to switch pages in the middle. Okay. So as we were talking a little bit previously,

when we first made contact, I told you that I'm most practiced with doing regular old, unconscious, what I call nocturnal visions experience during sleep. So regular dreams. I'm best with those. But as

you may be aware, Carl Jung in his work, when his clients did not have a dream, he said, well, let's just make one up. And it would just be a, you know, a fabricated or artificial dream, you would call it. And it was the equivalent of a you know, I think he would put people in

a relaxed, if not meditative state. I think Freud experimented more with like hypnosis and stuff like that. But, um, but, but young was like, just start telling me a story and we'll kick my shoes off here.

And we'll, you know, we'll see what we can make of it because there's going to be unconscious material in there. Anyway, like why do we choose the elements of a fantasy any more than a dream? It's just a, a,

mental construct. So there's very much similarity. One of the books I'm going to get around to editing. So I've got 17 so far. And on my list, it's word I got is, uh, one called,

um, well, I can't remember that, but it's on the subject of daydreams. And if we let our minds wander, we say, you know, we become inattentive to the current moment and we go off into what if or it's basically just what if, what if this happens, what if that happens? And it can be, you know, intentional, purposeful. What do I think the likely results of this scenario will be? We play it out in our mind. Or it can just be, I had a pleasant thought. just follow it to see where that leads us.

But that also tells us about ourselves. It says, this is what I find pleasant. Okay, why? What do I find pleasant about it? What would it take to accomplish that in my life? Do I want that? And sometimes we decide, nah, it's too much work or, you know, that's not for me. You know, we all have, in our moments of, say again.

They're outside my garage. Of course, right now, hang on one second. You hear that? Oh, barely. Just when you talk, I hear it. Is someone doing some yard work? Keep going. Okay. It's okay. When I'm talking, I don't hear it. When you talk, your voice is well over it.

So it's not a big deal. Anyway, all of this to just say that I'm not practiced with that. But what you've got for, it's not a traditional dream experience during sleep, but yours is more of a waking vision in that sense, almost an involuntary daydream. Is that how you would describe it? Yeah, I mean, it was if we use the visions that I experienced, when I experience enlightenment, that's what I'd like to talk about because that's how I face my fears of sexual assault.

Oh, yeah. So I had a fear of men in me that I got out in 2021. And then in, and this is last December of 2024, I finally faced my fear being sexually assaulted. So, which is one reason I attracted all these men into my life. Now, I'm not saying that these men have sexually assaulted women, but they have that energy in them because we have 15 to 20 generations of our ancestors' DNA, of our emotional pain in our DNA. So easily any of them could have had it from there and not done it.

You know, so I just don't want, I'm just throwing that out there. I'm not, like, I have no evidence that they've done something in this lifetime. Sure. But, of course, I'm not judge or jury, okay? And we can get vibes from people that don't comport with their actual behavior. That's not at all unusual. I did want to say real quick, so we didn't discuss anything about the nature of the dream. There's two dreams I typically will not address.

And they both revolve around specific childhood abuse and specifically rape or sexual assault. Hey, she doesn't want to play. But snap it. There you go. Um, now that said, I'm willing to work around that a little bit. I'll be general because. Well, and it's not because of the content. It's because of the risk of doing it wrong.

Like what, so I'm not cutting you off. And I'm not saying we're not going to do this. But, but I want to explore it a little bit, just the concept and, and healthy boundaries around it. Why do I say that is because this is not counseling and therapy. We're just two people talking about dreams and sharing experiences and our thoughts and whatnot. So I. if someone brings to me a dream and it's a very intense dream and it's about actual experiences that happen to them and they're reliving it in their dreams, I generally would recommend people take that to, um, to, to private counseling and therapy so that it can be handled in a professional manner where there's, uh, recourse to responsibility and maybe even legal standards, licensure, different things that, they put a real tight constraint. So what I'm hearing from you, though, is that these are things in the past.

You did have a vision regarding those subjects, but you at this time feel you've moved past it to the degree where we're not exploring it presently as much as reflecting on it. If that makes more sense, does that seem of a fair characterization? Totally. I have no evidence any of this stuff ever happened. So here's one thing I'd like to kind of get into it, you know, discuss is that what I notice with myself. Well, when I open up to a fear, I start being shown visions with people in my real life that I don't remember happening. Okay. So my question then was, okay, I don't remember any of this happening. Are these, like, thoughts that I picked up on because all of our souls are constantly communicating through our heart spaces.

So when I think of you, your soul gets that information. And, you know, it could store in the subconscious. you could be conscious of it, but you could also store it in your subconscious, right? It's one way we project our fears onto other people and they internalize it. It all happens at a subconscious level. So one thing I wanted to kind of bring attention to

is that I think that we get ourselves into trouble when we start going into the passage, we need to go into it, but we also need to be cognizant that just because we're shown something doesn't mean that it happened. So that's like the distinction. That's something that I had to like, I spent hours and hours because I don't have access.

Like I haven't talked to my guy from high school yet, but he's 10 times as avoided as a fire captain from East LA who's current. You know what I mean? Like the fire captain have a lot of reasons to be avoidant of his heart. You know, well, these 10 times, you know, it's a serious situation. So I'm like, okay, I understand why maybe he hasn't called. So just to clarify for my understanding, you did have some reason. experiences in the past, but the present or recent vision we're going to talk about is about things that, as far as you know, didn't happen.

They're the visions of, okay. And that's, well, see, that fits very well with the dream because dreams didn't happen. Now, even if you're dreaming about maybe some past stuff that did happen, the dream itself and the events of the dream aren't necessarily reflective of hit. They're not historical fact in that sense. So, so, you know, what I want to do is remain true to my own standard while still engaging with you and giving you the benefit of this experience to to the degree that I can. So I'm trying to handle it carefully, responsibly.

So yeah, because if someone, say, experienced a recent sexual assault and they're having nightmares about it, I'm like, I can't do that here. That's, that's, that's, that's, I should consider that above my pay grade in terms of this. Like, this is a free experience for you, for both. And it's unfortunate, but you have to pay, but, you know, it's a service, et cetera. etc. But the idea is that in the right environment it can be handled more responsibly. So this is good. I feel more comfortable proceeding now that we kind of teased out a little bit of actually what's going on. So what I do is just, you know, for my dream process, I just shut up and

listen. And the guest tells me their experience of the vision, the dream from beginning to end, like a story. And then we go back and review it together. So do you want to do that? You want to just jump into the details? Yeah, so, okay, so my first enlightenment experience, I received the wisdom that we need to give women credit for creating human life, the femininity fuels masculinity, and showed me the vision of the woman's the center of the household and the man's the leader of the household, equally important, different roles. So then my guy from high school came through briefly, and then I started showing these visions, and it was all around my daughter's being sexually. assaulted by their father, which I have no, and I've even asked them, they said, no, it did not happen. And they're 22 and 24, they would remember, okay? So this was all my fear of being sexually assaulted and me projecting it onto them and then them internalizing it because they've had, you know,

challenges with men. I'll just say. I can't speak for them, but they've had challenges with men. And so I started being shown that the fire captain, who's like six, seven, would show up and rescue my kids every time. And I never introduced my kids to a man in the 20 years I've been divorced. I never introduced them to a man. I never bought it because I wasn't getting married. If I'm not getting married, you don't need to meet him. That was my rule with men. And so, I mean, it was bad. Like at certain times, there's like razors were involved, guns were involved. Like, it was gnarly, gnarly. And I was so exhausted on day three in the middle of the night that I actually called the police. That I was being shown things at these red pill guys.

were potentially coming after my older daughter who's tall and beautiful and a lot like me. So it's like, oh, the mother's not available, the mother's too old, then let's go to the daughter. Like, men can think like that. That's a logical thought, you know. And of course, because I'm attracting in younger

men, okay, well, she's too, you know, she's too old. She can have kids anymore. What's the daughter? So it's like it was a normal thing for them to kind of be attracted to my older daughter. So that's, you know, you know, that's, I guess, the kind of the substance of those visions in that.

The ones in the fall are around me. So it's like first the layer, the onion layer I had to deal with is that I had projected my fear being sexually assaulted onto my daughters. And my daughters internalized that. So I had to deal with that layer. Then once that layer was dealt with, then I had more healing to do. Then in the fall, I was ready to face my personal fear of being sexually assaulted. So, yeah.

I guess that we can start with. That's where I started. For sure. Yeah. So do you have a particular vision experience that we could kind of isolate in detail, you know, just one? At this day, at this time, I had this vision and here's the sequence of events in the vision. That's usually how I operate. You know, we pick a discrete instance of a dream.

Tell the story of the dream. I was here. I did this. This happened. I felt this way. I saw this thing. Do you have a narrative to tell about any of the vision? visions, just one.

Yeah, I guess I just with my daughters, what I was shown is that all, like me and my daughters were all being watched by like the police and the fire captain because we knew this stuff was going to go down for whatever reason we just knew it was going to happen. And so right when it started to happen, then like the fire captain would rush in and stop it and take care of their dad. And even like there was like there was ones where he committed suicide, the dad, you know, he hasn't, you know. And, and that his wife had also committed suicide because of all the abuse they'd have for the kids. And granted, they had, you know, a tense relationship and stuff. But I would say like that's kind of, you know, how it went down. And at different times, my son would be

involved and he would, you know, help his sisters and, and protect them. And I was just, I couldn't protect my daughters at their dad's house. And so I think. So do you have a recollection of a particular vision we could use as a kind of a, I mean, that would be the vision that the dad and the stepmom were coming to my younger daughter's door and they had a razor in their hands that they were going to hurt her sexually with a razor?

And then I'm shown that the fire captain, Jim, rushed in the house and to control the situation, saved her and then both of the parents were killed. Okay. And the stepmom were killed. Yeah. And that my daughter needed to be like she needed that kind of revenge on them because of all the other abuse. I'm writing this down here with this girl. Look at her.

I'm helping. I just help. She's helping. Absolutely. She's what I call it value added content. Okay, that's actually, that's great. And that is, you know, to anyone out there in the audience who heard me say in the beginning, reach out to me.

This is easy. You can't do it wrong. That's perfect. That's a vision. That's a dream. That's a contained sequence of events. And it can be a very vague description. These people were there.

This thing happened. And there's our story. Now what the real, the intro. the interpretation portion of it is we dig a little deeper. We go back into it and we go through the sequence of events so that I can see it a little more clearly as you do. So when you say the dad and the stepmom were coming to the daughter's door,

is that where the vision began? The first action of the vision. Okay. Yeah, they were like, like the Orly, my youngest daughter had misbehaved and that they were coming to teach her a lesson. And but she also had a weapon like under her pillow.

You know, so, yeah. Okay. Because I also had fears that he was training them to be like in the Mossad, like training them to kill people. Gotcha. That fear came out. But then also I was kind of like, okay, well, then maybe they have, and they're all black, like my son's an Eagle Scout and a secondary black belt in

Taekwondo and my daughters are both red belts in Taekwondo. So they have some skills, but, you know, Yeah. With her sitting there like this, I wish I could teach her to say Polly want a cracker. That would just be hilarious. So in terms of

seeing the vision through your eyes from your experience, what was the physical environment? You said they're coming. You know, when the dreams or the vision started, were they in a vehicle traveling? Were they approaching the front door of a house? They were inside there,

her dad's house where they live. Okay. And the idea of coming to someone or somewhere means going from one place to another. So just in terms of that, were they moving towards, where was your daughter and where were they, when they moving from to get to where she was?

They came out of there, the master bedroom when she was in her bed, and they were outside her door. Okay. And her door was closed? Yes. Okay. And then did they take any action to?

to open it or were they, was it locked? Were they pounding on it? I mean, what I remember is that they pushed in and they're right on that same time, the fire captain came in the house and took care of it. Trying to formulate my thoughts. Turn them in the language. It's not always easy. Now, was your daughter in her room holding their closed?

Was it difficult to? She was in bed, but she kind of felt them coming and it's like her hand slipped under her pillow where she had a weapon. Because you know, in those visions like they had been assaulted in the house, you know, just you know, in the visions.

So part of the context was that she had been hurt before and was had a weapon to prepare because she knew more future hurt was likely. Yeah. Okay. So they were just opening the door. It wasn't blocked. It wasn't locked. It wasn't

locked. It wasn't, there was no, hardly any resistance. I mean, the hard thing is, is that when I would review the visions, and then more would get added. And that's when I, okay, is this reality or not? Because this changes and that changes. And then it's like, you know, it's like, if you want to wonder where the end of the rabbit hole is, there isn't one. No, it's true. More and more. It's like, that's why you can't get to enlightenment going, going through shame. That's why I think like BDSM and stuff. They, oh, that's, it listed all these emotions and all this stuff. And then we're going to get to enlightenment. That's not how it works. Yeah. Yeah. No, that always makes me think of the Hellraiser movie with the Centa Bites. It's like the whole, it's horrifying to us that they would think pain

causes pleasure. But then there is a subset of people for whom receiving pain, they, you know, it hurts, but it's a means to eliciting, you know, that emotional and, and physical pleasant sensation that comes afterwards or through that. The way they can kind of open is they know how to open to receive pain because that's what they're trained as a children. But they don't know how to open to receive pleasure. It's the whole idea that's a whole other, sorry. Yeah. Well, it's almost kind of like, what is it, people who, it's easier to understand or the

microcosm would be, you know, someone who's not comfortable with a hug, but they don't mind getting punched in the shoulder as an expression of affection. But to be held gently, just creeps of it. They think so uncomfortable with that, even though you would think a gentle caress is the most loving thing you could do. No, no, this person doesn't want that. They want to, if you're going to show affection, it has to be in some physically aggressive way.

And that's, I mean, that's okay. That's kind of how guys, you know, we don't cuddle each other as much as she's going to get down. There you go. As much as we prefer, you know, show me, you love me by insulting me in just the perfect way because you know me and you know what bugs me and, you know, I'm not going to overreact and start a fight with you. You know, it's one of those things where it's like it's really, uh,

Interesting. Male bonding dynamic, yeah. Okay, so we haven't even gotten very far. Where did the, oh, you said they were holding, they had like a razor blade. Okay, no, I already wrote that down. And you knew it was like specifically intent upon doing some genital violence with the razor blade.

Did you have any sense of what that was going to be? Anal violence. Okay. I personally never explored BDSM, but I know like my first guy was really into BDSM and I pick up on thoughts. Sure. So, you know, I'd say even for most BDSM folks, razor blades to the anus is not something. It's not part of the usual standard equipment. That's that's taken into another level.

And that's, you know, teasing out the meaning of these things. So I say this to folks too. If you come to me and say, Ben, I had a dream. in which I stabbed my dog, the dog I love, and I woke up screaming, horrified that I'd done, Ben, do I want to, do I want to kill my dog? Is that a secret part of me? I'm like, 99.9% chance. No, that is not what that dream was about.

There's a lot of ways we do harm to someone and then we, or could do harm to someone, and then we look at it metaphorically often to give itself the little distance. So, you know, the dog could be your best friend because dogs are man. man's best friend and dreams love puns and the the knife isn't a knife and the stabby you stabbed the dog in the back stabbed in the back doesn't mean literally stabbed it means betrayal so you betrayed your best friend and the person goes oh shit I did oh I get it now you know so did did you stab your dog or did you betray your best friend that's it's two different things but the visual yeah the visual so so you know uh anyway that we'll get to that part that's that's why we do

this at first we got to see it then we can try and oh that's that's That's a claw. Stop. Stop it. I'm going to get the water bottle. That's stabbing. It is not time to play. He wants to. Wait, wait, isn't it time to play, Dad? This is true. It's always time to play. Let me just hope he doesn't. If you could see, you would, there's, there's wounds that never heal. Because as soon as one has gone, another one appears. I'm just covered in scratches all the time. A little bite marks. That's okay. That's, uh, all the, all the fun of being a cat, daddy. Um, okay. So I'm actually gonna, I'm glad I started a new page. I'm starting a third one here. too. And see, you gave me this tiny little, I wrote down four lines. And we've already got three times that many, just out of trying to describe it a little more fully.

Okay, so this, you said it was the fire captain, dude, and where did he come from? Charging down the hallway. No, he was in his car. Like, we knew things were going down. And like, there's a police officer outside, too. And that he went in right of the right. time. And every vision, the fire captain would save them. And so that's really what helped me see, like, kind of experience safety around my kids. Oh, I finally tracked it in a man who can save my kids, you know, my fears, who can help me face my fears. Oh, yeah. And that's, you know, it's logical. You know, he's a six foot seven fire captain out of East LA. He oversees the Wildland Cadet program. Absolutely. Yeah. And no one's going to matter. with that guy like that guy he takes a shovel and what the hill puts out the fire with his bare hands like

oh yeah handle his shit yeah and just like the idea that dog doesn't represent your dog it was your dog in the dream that's the visual you saw but yeah the concept is man's best friend no no no no my best friend the one that i betrayed stabbing the back hey you bite me you don't bite her um that so so so the police and this specific person, this fire captain is, sometimes people get crystallized as icons in our mind as well. This is the representation of safe, protective masculine energy. So you put him in there as a representation for that idea. Now, I'm not saying that's for sure, maybe it is,

but that's the idea that maybe we're looking for, it's not him exactly. It's what he represents to you in that sense. And it could be, yeah, safe, protective, masculine energy. coming to save your daughter from from harm so I mean that makes uh general sense um so you so how he came from outside how did he just came to the front door and then barely down the hallway and yeah I just came then and he and then he took control how how did he approach uh was he at a dead run knocking down doors was he um moving more slowly I know he was you know moving with purpose

okay to use more military yeah moving with purpose Yeah, no, what does that mean? I don't know, but there's there is some meaning in the idea of, well, how did the action occur? So that's moving with purpose, fair enough. And that, I mean, that makes sense. It could have been, I like to do counterfactuals. Running it, I'm open the door, I'm going in, I'm taking over. It's like what he was doing.

That's why I ask these type of questions. And I do in my mind, even sometimes I don't say it out loud, but counterfactual. So what he didn't do was, incredible Hulk style smashed to a wall. Kool-Aid man. No, no, no. Not like that. Nor was he moving at a leisurely pace.

Like, he didn't really care if he got there in time. So those are different concepts involved. So this was moving with purpose. He was there to get a job done and he did. Yeah, he did take control and he did. That was the energy. How did he take control? How did he engage with them physically?

Or did they shrink back from his presence? He had a gun and he, no, I mean, he was like, had his, his foot on his head. Like, Orly was right there. Like, they signed the house over to the kids. Like, you know, he had a plan and just took control. And then it was like, and then they died at the end. So there was not simply his arrival, scaring them off and they scurried into the darkness and disappeared. But there was a whole scene of how he dominated them specifically.

And one of those portions was he had. the ex on the ground with a boot on the head and a gun pointed at him yeah yeah and see he the thing is like when i had my first like longer conversation with him at yoga it came out that my husband's probably ex-massad that i helped Justin and Andrew that like these are the men i attracted to my life you want to come closer to me can you handle it was but that's the mean but that's the thing that is when you're after a man's heart that's the challenge like are you are you are you strong enough to keep all these other men that want me at bay, are you? Because I was, you know, I was putting out wife energy. Like a lot of women don't understand. Well, he's ever asked me to marry. Yeah, you slept with

on the first date and you have, you know, you're not putting out wife energy. I put out wife energy. Like, you don't come. No one sleeps with me. No one takes me out on a date. I'll check you out by talking to your soul. I'll keep you away from, like, you know, you got to do that. You want in my internal world, do the work, motherfucker. Like, that is what women don't do. Because, Easy women create lazy men. It's true. These men, they're at the top, over six feet tall, good looking, good bodies, all these careers, you know, women like that because it's easy women.

And then they don't have to do the work. So, and then plain. It's like, well. That's funny too, especially on like Twitter and whatnot or X, as they call it now. You'll put out something out there like, you know, women should stop sleeping with men on the first date. and inevitably in the replies is, oh yeah, well, what's men's responsibility? I'm like, yeah, men should stop doing that too.

You're absolutely correct. It takes nothing away from my point. But I'm also looking at women specifically in that quote, you know, men should also be better. We should all be better. There's no, yeah. So no matter what you say, someone's going to come along and go, uh, uh, actually you forgot this one thing that's really important to me.

And I'm like, okay, you're right about that too. I also right women do that way more than men do that's true yeah because we're the emotional we don't you know we react and this is why you protect women because when you abuse the women

it takes us like 10 times longer to heal we got to make all the connections in our brain we got to process our emotions you know men with healthy testosterone can you know hit their best friend to correct a problem and their best friends two minutes later never women would do that

never you know Well, there's also a bit of a misnomer that because women are less physically violent, that means they're less aggressive. And I think it's just different modes of expression. Women's aggression tends to be a little more covert, a little more spreading stories, reputation damage, ostracizing. I mean, things because they don't have the physical strength to just beat the hell out of somebody, except each other. But that's also considered, you know, on ladylike, et cetera. There's a lot of social pressures on that, which is good. I don't think more women should fight physically.

But they might get along better if they did. I'm just saying. But then they'd be more like mom. But the love to media is shame game. Well, you're all racist and misogynistic. It's like, okay, well, you're the only reasons you could give me to vote for Kamala Harris is she's a black woman, which is racist and misogynistic universe is a mirror. Like I love that too. It's like, so let me get let me get this straight.

I'm racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, Islamophobic. But am I wrong? And a lot of times. No. I got to share stories, but my daughter was 12. My daughter was 12. She spoke to me rudely. I'm like, you're walking home.

And then she like got her dad and other adults to triangulate against me and someone drove her back to my house. And that was kind of the beginning of a long years of problems between us. Mm. Yeah. So, and so when we talked about that recently, I was like, well, yeah, but, you know, were you being a bitch? And she's like, well, I was a kid.

And I'm like, no, no, no. Yeah, I thought her Jane in the book. I'm talking to you, miss, in the top 1%, super smart, moved you up a grade in kindergarten, you know, photography winning contest. Like, you know, your own business. I'm talking to my daughter, one person in the world who acts like you. Were you being a bitch? Okay, I was.

I'm like, there you go. So stop with that. I was a kid and all the triangulation. gaslighting crap, you feel bad about it because you knew a couple days later that you were being disrespectful to me. So stop with all the avoiding, you know, crap, but this is how, but I have to talk to my kids like that because it's like you've got to go in. You have to address it. Help them own their crap. But in, oh. Oh, yeah, that reminds me of a circumstance I had too where someone else did something wrong.

And obviously it was wrong. And I, I believe I overreacted. in the moment. So to be upset was appropriate. To be upset at that level, I thought was overkill. So later, for myself, I went to them and apologized for my overreaction. Never got an apology for what they did wrong. I like, well, that's you. That's you. And you just identified what kind of person you are in which is the kind of person who's not going to be in my life anymore. If you can't own your shit and say, well, hey, he opened the door to reconciliation and I should take responsibility for it. Nope, they did nothing wrong as far as they're concerned. And my overreaction was the entire problem.

Wow. Well, hey, thanks for letting me know who you are. I will now move on with my life. But okay, so back back to the vision thing here too. So not only, how did it go from, you know, had his head under his boot on the ground, pointing to gun at him and signing over the house. Was that all kind of wrapped up into the same experience? Yeah, and then Orly just had a need to like, like,

like show them how wrong they've been. Like their heads were on spikes in the end. Like it was now. How did they die? Or you just skip that part and went straight to literal heads on spikes. I don't know if they made, if they did it themselves. I don't remember.

There were so many different vision. In one vision they did it themselves. And other visions, it was my youngest daughter. Other visions, it was the fire captain. It was just, yeah, I was different people at different times.

But like, but my youngest, she had a need to see their heads on a stake. That's what was shown. And the universe is a mirror. So maybe I had a need, you know, or maybe that's my head on a stake because, you know, I didn't, I chose a father who had unresolved childhood trauma. Of course, I didn't understand that at this time. You know, I chose their dad. So, you know, is that me holding myself accountable?

Is that my head on a steak because she, you know, blame me for her eating disorder. And I went home and attempted suicide. You know, there's a lot that that could be. And their stepmom, like, she doesn't have kids, but super in her masculine, like super masculine. Like, can't be wrong. Like, you know, it's just, yeah, she's getting better. But now what you can't see. Above his standard on his hind legs, stretched to his full length, sniffing the top of my second monitor.

Like he's going to knock it over. You better not. Get down from that. there. Okay, he's down. All right, too many distractions. Um, all right. So we got the, the sequence of now this is a little bit different to, well, I get this experience as well with, um, folks who, uh, bring to me a dream and because they are, or are, uh, fascinated by their own experience, they've already spent a lot of time reflecting on it. And they've drawn out a lot of important factors. Um, so what I try to offer is like a, you know, my own analysis, which is probably

going to duplicate some of the things that you've already thought of. And we've already discussed some of them. But then also hopefully add some additional layers to it or things you hadn't considered from a slightly different perspective. So you've got to. It's the direct opposite of June 25th. December. My recording just stopped. I mean, I hope. I don't know how much. Let me let me do this. I started a new one. I'm going to just play this back real quick just to find out how much we lost. I think the cats might have stepped on at some point. Physically violent.

That means... You just had a need to like... Let me see here. And their stepmom, like, she doesn't have kids, but super in her masculine, like, soup. Wow, it goes back to when you were talking about kids at a step bump. So I think none of what we talked about

the last few minutes got recorded. Now you can't see Bubba's standard on his eyes, like, stretched to his... Back when I was talking about Bubba, being standing on the monitor, Everything after that seems like it's just gone. Wow. That's terrible.

When I was 11, okay. So when I was 11, my dad met my stepmom, and then he started spending every night that we were there at her house. So he would leave us alone. So I got abandonment wounds. He would lie to me and tell me he was there. He would gaslight me. My brother was there. I don't know if my brother did stuff to me.

I remember, like, locking my door where I would sleep in my dad's bed, you know, and locking my brother out. but I don't have that many memories. But when I was 12, we moved back by that elementary school. And then my brother and I, again, were home alone at night. And, you know, and it was a quarter mile from Jared's house. So at the very least, you know, with, oh, go ahead. But like, you know, in the fall, I had a lot of visions of him breaking into my house and coming to, do you want to be the first one to have sex with me?

Did he, you know, to see me or, you know, I had many, many visions. But I blocked where his house actually was and where my dad's house actually was until after Memorial Day this year. Only after Memorial Day this year was I finally ready to accept that his house was a quarter mile from my dad's house for a few years. If something happened, I don't know. My memory is abysmal. And then when I saw him in high school, he kept wanting to talk to me and talk to me and talk to me. And I wouldn't even let him near me. and then, you know, in the fall, I faced my fear of being sexually assaulted. And that was, that day is my brother's soul was really pushing me, pushing him to come see me to talk to me.

And it always felt like their souls were close. And then the moment his, Jared's frustration piqued about like coming to see me. He's all pissed off about, you know, I'm facing my wounds of, you know, being sexually assaulted and stuff. of and the electricity went out in Ventura where I live. I was like, whoa, what the? And then my energy got stronger and then I protected the girls

and my shamanic gifts. I just was like on fire, but I released it through that experience, home alone, talking to souls, you know, and this is how important, like our thoughts are. Like, we don't acknowledge how important our thoughts are. Like, if I have a thought of In-N-Out burger, my mouth salivates whether food is present or not.

That's true. If I think of anxiety, you know, highly anxious situation, depressed situations, my whole body responds as if I'm experiencing that anxiety and that depression in that moment. Oh, for sure. And so we have to really think of our thoughts. I think the visions in the fall were potentially thoughts he had because as a woman, I don't fantasize about a guy throwing me over his shoulder at school in front of everyone to go have sex with me in public because he won me or I'm his. That's not how a woman dreams of being claimed. You want to claim me, then, okay, let's have a wedding and a beautiful house and flowers. And you know what I mean?

Like, let's dance in a field. Like, that's feminine imagination. Like, women aren't imagining a guy breaking into her house to be the first one to have sex and, like, forcing her into it. But that's what those were all the visions I face in the fall. So I really think that, like, facing, like, the first one that I described to you was the initial layer setting me up to face it on my own fall. And, but this is how long it's taken me to process it. That was December. I faced it.

And then only Memorial Day, what, five months later, I'm finally able to accept, like, where he lived compared to where my dad lived. Yeah. And what I was going to say a little bit earlier was the idea of, again, it almost, well, it matters, but, but in the context of this, it doesn't matter whether there was some negative experience there. It could have been nothing more than here's the first real intense experience I have with a guy showing. interest in me. And I'm pushing him away and didn't want to talk to him, didn't want anything to do with him. So at the very least, you were uncomfortable with the idea of being courted or you were unsure of how to engage with the divine masculine as a woman. And go, go ahead. No, when I was 14, the summer before high school, there was a guy who was like five, six. And I dated him for a couple

days. Okay. But him kissed me. So there was something about this guy in particular. Oh, this. Oh, okay. So what happened was, I remember him like, staring at me. And then the most popular senior guy came up to me with Jared standing next and being quiet, wanted to introduce me to Jared because Jared's so nice, right? I look at him like, are you punking me? Where's the camera? He is not nice. And I'm like, don't ever talk to me again. Like I ran away, but a whole wall of fear came over me. Like, I wouldn't even let him near me. And he's a president. You know what I mean? Like that I was, so I was, going against the grain.

But that was like, this is my life. Like one of his friends came up to me one time. He's like, well, I don't like you. I'm like, you've never even talked to me. How do you know people like me? That's completely ridiculous. Fuck off. And I go, but that, that was me.

Gotcha. That guy's brother, he kissed me when I was 15 and, like, hold me down and I pushed him off me. Like, you have a girlfriend. Get off me. So I've been, like, battling the players my whole life. For sure. But I have hoped that I'm replaceable.

Hmm. You know? Gotcha. Okay. So please tell me when I'm wrong. That's how we get there. So I'll say things like first experience. No, fair enough.

Not first experience, but a different kind of experience or at least he represented something to you, which you felt overwhelmed by fear and had to reject and run away from. And then later you were having visions of what if this person were to be more aggressive about it. So that's something our brains do too as well as we look at situations where we're analyzing, okay, intense emotional reaction focuses our attention. and then we dwell on ideas and say, what if this, what if that,

how would I feel about it? And you could have discovered about yourself that I do want to be thrown over the shoulder and put on display in public, shall we say. But you discovered, no, that is not appealing to me. And I think it's very rare that that's appealing to any women, even as a separate fantasy they'd ever act on. But so that is, so even.

Okay, yeah, fun. You know what I mean? Like, if I trusted him, but I can't talk to you? I won't let you talk to me? Like, no, no. Yeah. And there's some, so there was something about you at the time, uh, that gave you a response or that you experienced that response to whoever or whatever he was at the time.

And you may have felt you may, you may have had a, uh, creepy vibe you couldn't explain. You may have had a, I'm way too attracted. He's dangerous vibe. And instead it turned out push away. I don't want to deal with any of these feelings. There's a lot of reasons to be avoidant in that respect, as you would say. But for the for the for the for the dream we were just just basically starting with the first thing. So that teaching our lesson was related to being vocally

argumentative outspoken and argumentative and that somehow that was going to be punished by and this the first thing that popped into my head and you tell me if this resonates at all was the idea of Freud described the the genital phase where that you would either be anally retentive or anally expulsive. You and that a lot had to do in his estimation. The way he came to those concluding explaining for the audience is that

it depends on how your parents responded to the fact that you shit your diaper as a baby. You do. And if you have really strong negative emotions around that, you know, the say the mother if a primary caregiver made a big

deal about just saying how disgusted she was and how nasty. You were for doing this to her. Then you get the anal retentive. They don't want it. They don't want to let it go. They're going to hold it in because they don't want the punishment, the trauma or drama that comes with it.

And then there's anal expulsive where they're just shit all over the place. They're a little too free with it. No, it's no boundaries type of thing of like, poop with a diaper, poop on the floor, saying difference to me. It's the opposite ends of, you know, the spectrum of those two type of things. So the fact that it was, you know, violence to so where's the

people who are they call verbal diarrhea that's kind of the typical like almost anal expulsive type of thing it's like too much too much of a good thing in some ways so there may be something to wear that

well let me stop there and say does that make a connection in your mind does that kind of make sense as to why maybe that symbology and why they were going to inflict that wound in that specific place So yeah, I mean, because I wasn't aware that I had these wounds from Jared from my high school, from my childhood, you know, I kind of more focused on my dad and my stepmom, you know, and that was March before I had been, you know, so before I fully accepted that Jared was so important in my life and impacted me so deep. And so, but sure. So I've always been. been very direct. As you see the way I respond to that guy, I'm very smart, I'm very

fast, and you know, I've of course taken a lot of shit in my life, but at certain moments, I don't take any your shit and I'll do it freaking publicly. I don't care. Like, so you see the kind of could be verbal diarrhea in some points and my intuition is spot on,

hence, you know, my shamanic gifts. And then certain times I'm, you know, anally retentive, like I'm holding back and not standing up for myself. So I think I could probably go both ways on that one. Sure, sure. Definitely. Or one can lead to the other. If you have an access, then, then, you know, boundaries get enforced later and you have to deal with that, um, that learning process. It can be fun, right? Um, so anyway, that was the first thing that, uh, came to my mind.

Um, and the fact that this, so, yeah, it's taking place at the dad's house where the kids live. So it's not taking place in a castle in medieval France. It's not taking place on the moon. It's, you know, it's not in your home. It's in their home. So there's a, so there's a, There's a bit of a, well, that's where the kids live. So naturally it's a place to set the environment. Yeah. And the place where you would be the most worried about them because they're out of your care. And that's where they spend most of their time.

That's where they center their home base. But the, what was I going to say? The idea that they're coming to her bedroom as well. So that's even within the space of this is my home. Then there's, this is my room. in terms of first. So they're bringing their judgment, their intent to do harm.

Whatever it is, they're not bringing her out to do what, they're not coming to, again, counterfactuals. They're not coming to assault her in the backyard in the garage. It's her room, her most intimate private space where she's, and bedrooms are,

there's theories on, on dream interpretation, which have validity as far as, what you want to do with these things is, be aware of all the different, conceptual possibilities and there's they're endless so you can never get them all but then also work within that to say okay which one of these seems to fit the best there is a theory that says you know houses are always people or relationships um that's not happening no phone calls um and they're they are very

related to our um you know inner spaces but also you know the kitchen means something different than the living room means something different than the garage and And the bedroom, especially, and the idea that they were coming from their bedroom, the master bedroom, and that it would pop, that the phrasing would come into your head that way as well, where you say, you know, you didn't say, you know, the, just their room. But the idea of describing it as the master bedroom is because that's where the master of the house lives. So it's like their house, their rules, but they're coming to her private space. So there's definitely this imposition of we're going to, you know, impose upon you in some. some way. And this was conceived of as the, as, as, as, is doing, um, physical, physical harm. Um, this totally makes sense. Yeah.

Of, you put it in relation to me of my dad and my stepmom, you know, when he would leave me to sleep in his bed and my brother at home alone or 11 and 12, to sleep at my stepmom's house, that's doing me harm. You know, and that's coming from their bedroom, doing me hard in my bedroom. And then he'd come home in the morning and lie that he was there. And I would say, but I didn't see you, dad, but I didn't see you. Oh, no, I was here. I was here. I was here.

I was here. I went to get donuts. And so then I didn't trust what I could see. But of course, I needed that. So I would lean on my intuition. But, and I have a significant visual processing disorder. Like my analytical skills are in the 96 percentile. But for balance, my ability to visually process, which is they show me a picture with lines

through it to see if I can tell as an ice cream cone or a truck or whatever, fourth percentile. Mm. You know, but that shows the wound. that that's how deeply I was wounded in my childhood, that I don't know what I'm talking about. Now let's say, for instance, did I meet Jared when I was five and he was seven? And I didn't have emotional support from home

when I see him, my masculine, right? I'm five, I'm innocent. It comes out, okay? And when I was shown that vision, like I was fighting teachers to get him to say it and they were hitting me and I was cursing at him. Like, I didn't give a fuck. Like I was five and like he was gonna say it,

But I had to fight everyone, including the teachers, for him to say it in this vision that I was shown. Yeah. So, you know, it's, and I always kind of wondered why my sensitive scalp went away at the same time as my lower back pain. My lower back pain started when I was 15, but I always had a sensitive scalp. So if I interacted with Jared when I was in kindergarten, because I left that school, my parents got divorced. I was there one year and then I left. And I didn't see him again at school if I saw him there until high school. even though we're in the same small town.

But maybe I saw him out when I cheerleading in sports and I probably saw him, but I don't remember. But it just that all those pieces, how I wasn't safe in my room, I was left alone. They came from their room to do damage to me

in my room, leaving me alone is doing damage to me. Then the emotional abuse afterwards and the gaslighting afterwards, it just, that makes a lot. I didn't think it's that way. but that is that how you're kind is that am i making sense of it right well in a way um the what i like to say to folks is the answers are not in me so i just ramble until it some connection

comes up with you and that's what came up when i approach something and gave it a description and threw it back to you this is what came back so i would just take it for what it is maybe it's spot on maybe it's in the right ballpark maybe it's the best we can do with that for the moment so um you It's not for me to say, no, that thought you just had based on your own experience is wrong. Who the hell am I? I'm not in your head. You know, I'm not the, yeah, no, the answers aren't in me. I don't have any magic powers.

I don't talk to spirits. You know, not directly. I don't hear voices. Let's say it that way. I think maybe, maybe there's some other forms of communication. What are we doing here? So the sequence of events can have meaning as well. they got as far as the threshold.

They got as far as the barrier. They got as far as an unlocked barrier. Now, it could have been, she knew they were coming counterfactual again. She barricaded the door. It was locked. It was a dresser pushed up against it. They were really big.

No, no. She was in her private, most intimate space and vulnerable. And the only barrier was a door that was very easily open. It was like a token, token privacy. That doesn't really exist. you can just open it at any moment. So there's a vulnerability to that too. It's like she's she wasn't, you know,

she you get, unless she could have gone out of wind or something. It's also a place where there's like there's no way to run, nowhere to hide as well. It's like this is you're at the mercy. And so in that moment, for whatever reason the vision showed you and it could be, um, you wanted an intervention.

So you showed yourself that you, this was not going to happen. Or something else. showed you that that was likely to be the outcome, that there would be some rescuing event that might happen. So there's a couple of different ways to look at that. You know, Freud would say everything is wish fulfillment. I'm like, if you're really flexible by what a wish means, because a wish can be, I want this to happen or I'm afraid this might happen. Well, that motivates just about everything in life. I want good things. I want to avoid bad things. So there's, he's not wrong. It was

just a bit overgeneralized. But it can also be idle speculation. It can also be, I don't know how I feel about it. It could be to decide what do I wish. I think. I think. I think that's a layer he missed that Young and others after him carried on with. But anyway, a lot of his flaws were in the fact that he was a little too leaned into the medical side of things. He was looking for a physical cause for everything and even psychological stuff, a little too rigid in some ways. But what do you expect for an Austrian on Coke? It's how it is. You're going to be a little rigid.

Yeah. It's okay. Or a Vietnamese. I resonate with the young because I was just, Oh, me too, me too. I feel a little more, like I give Freud his grudging respect. Like, he really broke the ground. But Young kind of picked the ball and ran it for the touchdown, I think.

So it couldn't have done it. Couldn't have done it without Freud's foundation, but Freud wasn't going to hit the, hit the touchdown without help either. And then we've gone farther from that as well. So, and the fact that they were able to breach the barrier, but the intervention. occurred before they could do because it could have been like she was harmed and then they were punished afterwards. No, this was a preventative

scenario and there's you've placed authority figures those with the iconic of the ability and desire to be protective to do good police that stop criminals, firemen that stop, save people

from fires, etc. They were already outside the house. They were aware that something was likely to occur and poised to intervene. And that's interesting too. So I don't know if you have anything to say about that idea of having a vision where you've placed rescue within reach and then it is enacted prior to harm. I don't know if that brings any. No, I mean, what I was seeing when you were talking is that I had the ability, she had the ability to protect herself and she had planned ahead. That's no, she, I forgot that part too.

She had because she'd been harmed before. So she had a weapon. Do you remember what it was? What, it was a gun? So it was, they had a razor blade and she had a gun. Her self-defense was going to be a lot more effective than their attempted harm. And so it is interesting. Go ahead.

One of the things. So like, so I had a fear that their dad would get to them, but I also was the one taking all my kids at Tyco window, rock climbing. I made sure my son got into Boy Scouts. And so Jared from the guy, my original hero from high school, he wore his Boy Scout uniform one day. He was Mormon, conservative, boy scout. And I knew then that he's conservative.

And I had no clue how to be conservative. My mom was an alcoholic. I was busy protecting myself at home. And I had a job at a hot doug and a stick for six years at 14, you know. And I was an affluent town in Southern California, like 15 minutes from the bachelor mansion kind of affluent town right so um you know the the show the bachelor but um yeah yeah so i you know i i prepared them i prepared them and she was prepared we i was prepared and then so it was okay i was prepared and gotcha so that that is so in your

all that preparation you know showed me that everyone's safe like all the preparation came out in the dream that prepared for the police to be outside and for gym to be outside and for early to have a gun and in that you know because all of it is showing me myself right it's all a reflection of me and so yeah no that's exactly what i was going to say and this is where i get into things like you know so you've had um time to process this already in um i only get this sweat oh it's driving me nuts i'm sweating too like a you know i'm broad yeah i guess i feel like i put on the fans it's still it's still not much warmer than it was before um okay so all of that to say that you hit the nail on the head of what I would suggest or try to coax out of someone

or hope for them to say is that so in the dream you're showing like you what you provided for them was not a police you didn't pay a police officer to park outside the house to protect them what you did was you gave them the effective means of um protecting themselves and that's exactly what you were saying, you know, is that you worked very hard to make them strong and capable so that they could defend themselves or avoid bad situations. And so the analogy is to, yeah, well, she had a gun under the pillow. You know, even in her, if someone got that close to her, she could still affect it, but also situationally that she would put herself in situations where help was not too far away, that there would be some recourse to intervention.

So you nailed it. That's exactly what I would have given you his feedback. Yeah. So we got that one. I asked a bunch of questions, clarified that to myself. And it was interesting that it was this fire captain that went in and not the police officer. The police officer was not a particular person, just a generic cop or. Yeah, no, it was just a cop.

It wasn't that. I don't remember because like when I go back, then things get added. may have gotten added, but I don't remember for sure. Fair enough. Well, we can leave that loose. Now there's more. Okay. I know.

Another thing Freud said was the, uh, beware the risk of, you know, secondary elaboration. As you tell the story, you start having new elements that seem like they were there originally. But if you're, if they're, if they're, it's, it's better to say, you know, I don't know for sure. That's now that I think about it, I'm not sure. But it's a, what is it? even secondary elaboration, even additional ideas that, but that's one thing, Jung grabbed as well,

we'll, for you a little too, with the idea of free associations, we're free associating as we're talking about these subjects as well. So you say, there was a fire engine there. Um, oh, and now that I think about it, a cop car as well. Now, maybe the cop car wasn't there or not, but they're both in the same class of say, you know, societal protector rescue personnel type of thing. Now, but, but, I'd say the more interesting part is that, you know, it's, it is and it isn't, because there's an easy explanation where you met this guy and he showed up in your dream because he's iconic of this type of person. But it's not often that firemen come to rescue someone who's in physical danger of an

assault. That's a police job. So you've actually got someone who's, it's not actually his job, even if he's in the same sphere. And you believe that he's the type of man who would act, but it's still, you know, it's almost like a cop showing up to put out of house fire. It's not quite lined up. That's why.

Six, seven, you know, fire captain East LA, like that was the whole that he with, because I remember one day I saw him outside of his truck and I could say, oh, no one messes with that guy.

Like, you know, you're a fire captain, you got to be able to take control of a scene in the way you need to take control of a scene. Like, you know, and fires above police.

So. Oh, sure. Yeah. You know, so I think the reason I pulled on him is because I trusted, you know, I had emotions for him. We had this established connection and I was putting out wife energy, you know, and then he was still entertaining that. So it was that kind of dynamic. So at that time, it would make sense to

insert him into the dream as, okay, well, what if he was the guy who was able to provide this level of protection for my kids, which is, you know, a very natural thing. That's where, that's where women spend a lot of time. Men's, so talking about men, and women's differences, you know, women spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to keep their kids alive because that's what they have to do. Like, women are, without getting too, like, reductive about it and minimizing anything. Women are the absolutely physically, biologically, and psychologically composed to make sure that infant makes it to toddler status. It is able to start talking and learning things. And that's why it kind of, you know, and then it's hard to break out of that because your job is to keep them alive so they don't get too injured.

and the father's job then is to say we got to let them get a little injured because that's how they grow with the scars and the calvices they got to fall down and scrape their need they're going to live you know I don't want them to be injured enough to die but we got to get out we got to keep them alive also

you can't you can't have a new human without both it's very definitely so they can also be iconic of bringing in that that masculine energy of of continued personal growth in a way but in a safe in a protected manager

way. And the idea of the resolution as well. So now we've got his specific kinds of actions that he takes and not, you know, he's coming in with the gun. So he's definitely more than just, he's not a fireman at that time. He's something else. A little bit beyond that, but also

at the same time. But then he would go so far as to like really punish them. I mean, this wasn't just crisis averted everyone back your corners, we reset the status quo. This was Punisher level ending the threat. The threat continues as long as they're still alive.

So we're going to make sure they're not alive. But before that, you know, there was the, there's a bit of a cathartis when you see the, the villain get what they deserve in a way. So having the villain in this story humiliated taken from, I'm going to victimize someone who can't fight back as effective. Now, he didn't know she could. He didn't know she had a gun. She never had a chance to use it, apparently.

But the idea in someone's head that they would inflict that upon the innocent, and then to have that reversed, and now the bully is getting his ass beat. That has a very, very satisfying thing to it. And then there's that visual image of what is one of the most demeaning things you can do to someone in a way, but also the behavior, the most iconic of someone being totally defeated, you get the boot on their face. They're on the ground and you're stepping on their head. Like anyone who's able to fight back is not going to let that happen. So you've just completely dominated them.

And the gun is part of it as well. It was never used as far as you know, but it's a threat. It's a present threat of I can use more force if I need to. So there's that additional layer as well, getting a dry mouth here. Yeah, well, I mean, I was, so my. dad used to complain about playing child support to my mom in front of me before I was 10 years old. Oh yeah. I internalize that I don't deserve to be provided for by a man.

And then that is me standing up for myself saying, you know, you will provide. I mean, the kids still, they still have that struggle with their dad. And, you know, I won't get into it, but they have, you know, two homes and, you know, why is what her dad are paying for her college when they have two. homes in southern California. Like, you know, but that's the, that's their dynamic to work out where, you know, my daughter's learning self-believe and she's doing incredible, but it's, you know, and why is a father pushing a daughter, you need a degree.

What if? What if, what if? What is he like, what if this man who loves you unconditionally? You're always in forever. Doesn't have a plan to take care of you. Like the whole teaching women to what if and make their own. and plan B just destroys relationships. But, you know, he has still a lot to heal.

So it's, yeah, no, that's really. And then, and then my, you know, my, so in the summer of 2023 on my birthday, a lot of my birthday, you know. Interesting coincidence, yeah. I mean, I had great news today about my film adaptation and a great, this amazing literary agent that's excited. It loves my book. And it's like, okay, let me clear some people off my schedule so I can work with you.

I'm like, okay, it's a great day, you know. But in 2023, my dad has a condo on the lake in the town where I was raised. And so we were out on a boat. And my stepmom, who was a marriage and family therapist, says, well, my sister was just born stupid. Of course, she knows what I did. And I'm like, what do you mean? So I start questioning her to help to hold the mirror up because I knew she was a talk about, well, she makes dumb decisions.

I'm like, okay, well, why is she making that? Why isn't she making a good financialist? Why is she doing that? Back to her childhood because my stepmom didn't want to admit that she had a traumatic childhood. He's a marriage and family therapist who married my father, okay, meaning, you know, We attract each other based on our wounds, like the guy with the dominatrix stomping around, equal amount of wounds to me. So he messed up, she messed up, you know.

But she tried to triangulate and get him to attack me and like how I'm wrong. So long story short, she wanted me to give her an unconditional apology with no conversation. I'm 53 years old. This is the crap. you imagine why I wanted her head on a stake? You know, here we go. It's like, and then after that, I just went off. Like, you've been projecting yourself hate on me for 40 years.

And I'm done. I'm like, you know, I understand what it takes to, you know, to be the mother of the household that I'm the emotional center. Mental health is created inside of healthy emotional intimacy. And all the people in this family are mentally unstable. And you're the center. How are you taking responsibility for that? Then they saw that my YouTube channel, in a couple of videos, I discussed my suicide attempt and some challenges like the financial thing.

So, you know, with my dad, he texted me, we're not going to talk to you for three months because of what you said on YouTube. Oh, so you won't talk to me. So I go someplace else to talk. So I'm getting punished for talking the anal, you know, don't talk, carry. Yeah. You know, I'll let me talk. And I'm like, when are my emotions going to be important? And about a month later, my dad reached out to Linggan.

I think he forgot. Like, he's in his early 80s, you know. And it was like, oh, happy, I think he said something nice. Oh, I love you, dad. And I just reacted really nicely to him. So, like, that was our last interaction. And I haven't talked to him since. So that was, you know, nine months before the, the vision that we're discussing happened.

That happened nine months before. Gotcha. Yeah. And all this stuff is related. And that's, that's, I think that's one of the major benefits of, having these discussions because the dream is we're trying to solve a mystery what why this vision in this form you know whether there's a dream or a daydream etc but also it's what do we discover maybe the real dream interpretation or the friends we made along the way you get all the little

tangents we go into about you know that makes me think of this and you know if I reflect on this part of my life and then I get a clearer understanding and maybe that's a piece of the puzzle and you know I think of a dream analysis or whatever is uh you know it's not as I said before of me giving you an answer. The answers aren't in me, but we're putting together a puzzle. Is that a corner piece? Do you think it's top left or bottom right? Or, you know, is that, does that look like a waterfall? It looks like it looks like part of a waterfall. Okay, what if we put it here? And then when now we got a waterfall. Well, there's a cliff. What if we move the waterfall closer of the cliff? Because we know it's going to be coming off the cliff because the other side is the

ocean. So you start putting these things together, but it's getting the shape of those, those pieces and seeing how they fit together. I love that. I love that part. I think that's why this all becomes a, that's a thing. therapeutic experience. Even if this is not counseling in therapy, I do not charge for the service. It's a heart opener. But it should be therapeutic. Small tea. For ourselves, that's the healing. You know, when we, you know, as like Carl Young, I love, God of Carl Young. This is not created by cutting off a portion of one's being, but by the integration of the contraries. And that's what we're, you know, we're opening for

integrating the contraries. Like, like this whole thing, like Andrew Tate and my soul have our soul's purpose or whether. We have a sole contract to address sexual assault. And here's how. So triggers are our healing friend, not our healing foe, but he triggers men and women with fear of men and fear being sexually assaulted to the surface. And my book comes along and gives them the tools to heal those wounds because I've done it. And I've done it with Andrew Tate, like, you know, with him being in my life. And so, and that's one way our souls are working in lockstep. But most women specifically don't understand that when the person's triggered, though it's emotional pain,

pain inside the person who is triggered. The person doing the triggering is not at fault. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's two sides of that. One is that, you know, someone could discover your triggers and use them against you maliciously.

That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about people just being themselves, living their life, doing their thing. And then you have a particular response to them. At that point, you got to say, okay, whether they meant it or not, I'm dealing with this thing now. And it's,

I came across the things that, uh, I, I love quotes and, uh, sometimes I can remember them, but, you know, triggers,

something about triggers being, they're not, they're a, they're a, as you were, as you were saying, there's something for you to use to heal yourself. Not a weapon to be used against others to control them.

It's, it's, it's, it's, yeah, and that's, I think that's where it gets into a dysfunctional thing. I was like,

oh, I don't like that. therefore you have to stop. That's not how this works. The whole pronoun police, the microaggression police, the, oh, I need a safe space. Like if you're a grown-ass adult and you can't hear an opposing position, you are not a grown-ass adult. Go home and, like, grow the, well, that's the difference between the internal and external locus of control is, you know, a lot of people with, what is it, anxiety conditions and other things of that, externalize it.

It is like, I'm not safe unless I can control everyone around me. when the interlocus is I'm safe because of what I do to protect and control myself. And then sometimes that goes to, there's a little bit of a problem with that too. It's like you go too far into self-control is like everything is my fault. I am insufficiently in control. Therefore, eating disorders, self-harm, other stuff that comes along with, I need to, you know, punish myself or control myself. It's a very rigid thing. I eat as much as I want and I throw up as much as I need to.

and that's in my control. Therefore, they, you know, like I said, goes, goes too far the other way. It's amazing how human beings out of balance is this, it's not healthy. What a concept. So the, so apart from the boot to the head, which is, if you don't know that song,

Boot to the Head's fantastic, but by some Canadian, Canadian guys out of the 90s. One of the next phases, between, so there was a interrupting the planned assault, an assertion of dominance and a clear visual depiction. Then there's also the signing of the house over to the kids before they are permanently dealt with. And a display is made of that warning to others

or message to the intended recipient of harm that the problem has been dealt with. the evil has been put in its proper place, which is heads on pikes. But so there's, I mean, what is it, what is the, running out of words today? What does it mean to sign over the house?

It's like, it's a provision of resources. You were talking earlier about, you know, the idea of being a kid and having it discussed in front of you, this child support issue. It's like, that's, there's some things that kids just don't need to hear because it's not healthy for them. They can't, they can't do anything. about it. They can't even process the idea just sticks with them and hurts them. So there's this

official, what is it, an iconic representation of resource provision, which is signing over the house, a place to live, shelter in that sense. So I'll just stop there for a second. If you get, I put my boot on my dad, in my dad's head and took the money because I stood up for myself. Yeah, money isn't always money. It's not always resources. I deserve, you know, to be provided for. and I'm going to make it safe for myself. So, okay, you guys are gone. And, you know, I put their state, when I went, I'm gnarly. I have to be, if I, you know, take on Andrew Tate in the fire department and then the FBI,

like, you know, like the FBI, he's like Air Force Academy, MBA, interrogation specialists, global terrorism, like 20 different specialties in the FBI. And I'll tell you when it's not recorded. Or actually, you know, you could, I'll just tell you when it's not recorded. You know, where you work. Yeah. Then I'll do it less editing. Yeah, I'll do it when, you know.

That's fine. Yeah. You know, it's like a scary guy, you know, and I see a picture of him now. He's in perfect shape. You know, but all these guys stay in perfect shape. Why? Because they get another room with other guys at that level. Like, men know.

Like the way a man walks, you know how he carries himself. Can he deal with weapons? Is he a martial artist? Can he fight? men know. So you come prepared so you don't have to fight. Definitely. Yeah. And then also there's a Rising Tide lifts all boats type of situation. In a way, that's the first thing came to my mind. But the idea that if you're,

if you join a group with other people and they're like far above you, it's like you either get out or you catch up. I don't think most, most people stay in a situation where they're not equal to their, where they don't become a peer if they aren't already. So yeah, there's a lot of, what is it? You know, it's the team mentality of like, you know, you're not just getting better so that you're our equal. It's because we, you want to equally pull your weight.

So, you know, you don't want to be the weak one, the week link. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, yeah. And then, you know, having this end of it, and the idea that you mentioned that you, you know, maybe you, in your mind you wanted to have your daughter see that this problem was resolved. See the heads on the pipes is this very visceral. um like you know again iconic representation of problem solved evil punished type type of thing too so you've got a whole thing of uh i mean yeah you're and it goes all over the place it's your relationship with your dad and stepmom your relationship with your ex-husband as he's caring for the kids and your

relationship with your kids and what you want to impart to them lessons from your life of here's bad situations that happened to me that you could uh that you should know about to avoid that you should know about to avoid and here's the tools I'm going to give you so you can avoid them most most effectively. You got all of this going on in this vision. And then did you come, so to kind of button it up, did you come away from it with a just a better understanding or with a path forward laid out for you in terms of like, here's how I'm going to approach some problems? Did it?

You said it was part of your enlightenment journey. Oh, yeah. I mean, that was just one and many visions I was shown that. I took you about so because, you know, women to get into. into our emotions and out of our emotions, it takes a lot longer, right? And it's just it's hormonal, you know? It's also this weird phenomenon where I've, uh, apparently women get, like, feel better after they cry.

That's not a, it's not a male thing. Like men just can't have a good cry and then put it behind them. It's like, you know, it's, uh, it doesn't work that way for us. Yeah. Oh, interesting because we release cortisol when we cry. And so it's, it's like, this is true. The we're releasing cortisol. So it's helping balance.

It's our nervous system, which it would do the same for men. But men, your tear glands are 60% larger than ours. So you could create tears and not know it. And that's how you release cortisol, but you don't show it. Interesting. Yeah. Well, I guess part of this I'm drawing from was the experience of a trans person who said, you know, they were going from female to male.

And that once they got on testosterone over a certain period of time, they could no longer have the catharsis of letting go, releasing an emotion by crying. They had a harder time getting tears started and crying did not relieve the stress in the same way it used to. So there's some biological difference going on there. But also, I mean, anecdotal, maybe. It's always a feminine body just because you get testosterone. And so you're just messing it up. So, of course, it's not working right.

But, yeah. Anyway, anecdotal. By lower, we got to, like, I got to get out of this chair. No, that's fine. Yeah, I see moving around. Very helpful. Well, thank you very much. No, we got to the end of the dream.

or a vision and that's, that's all we try to do. So, and I usually ask, did it, did it do any good? And you're saying, yeah, helpful. That is wonderful. Well, let's, yeah, let's button it up here. We'll, we'll call it a day. Let's see, the outro. This has been our friend Carrie Blazer out of Ventura, California.

She is a mother, shaman, master of East Asian studies, a trauma to enlightenment coach, and recently the published author of My Inner Heroin, Exploring Feminine Pain, which you can find, of course, through Carrie, Blazor.com link in the description below. For my part, would you kindly like, share, and subscribe. Always need more volunteer dreamers. I do video game streams Monday through Friday, most days of the week, 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. Pacific time.

This episode brought to you by whatever book I forgot. I'm going to put it over here. Check it out. It's probably awesome. All my books are awesome. And also if you'd go to, of course, you can find all this and more at Benjamin the Dreamwizard. dot com, including MP3s of this very podcast. And if you'd head out over to Benjamin the Dreamwizard.

Dot locals.com, that's where I'm trying to build a community. You'd love to have you. And a great way to reach out to me. So the only thing to say is Carrie, thank you for being here. I've enjoyed talking to you. Thank you. And everybody out there. Thank you for listening.

We'll see you next time.