Drinking Wine and Talking Shit - S1E8: Uncorking Control: Navigating Power Dynamics in Relationships

Episode Date: February 22, 2025

Hey wine lovers! Amy and Sadie here, and in this episode, we're "Uncorking Control: Navigating Power Dynamics in Relationships." We're diving deep into some seriously sensitive stuff, talking about everything from those subtle red flags to full-blown controlling behaviour. We'll be sharing our own and helping you spot those warning signs before it's too late. Plus, get ready for our "Wine and the Why" segment! Sadie's chosen a delicious Bordeaux and some killer burger bombs, and Amy's rating the pairing. We're also talking about the real impact of controlling relationships, the emotional and psychological toll, and even coercive control. We'll be discussing powerful documentaries like "Worst Ex Ever" and "My Wife, My Abuser," and sharing resources to help. Let's get real, have some laughs, and maybe even shed a tear or two, all while sipping some great wine. Cheers!•Channel 4's documentary on Angel Lynn: A haunting reminder of the dangers of coercive control. – Channel 4: https://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-kidnap-of-angel-lynn •Netflix's "Worst Ex Ever" and "Meet Marry Murder": Documenting stories of relationships that turned lethal.•BBC's short film "Control": A powerful depiction of the subtle progression of an abusive relationship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioWj59z9Y2A •Telling Amy's Story: A chilling look at how control can escalate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_5GsLKmzIY •My Wife, My Abuser: Documents Richard Spencer's 18 years of abuse by his wife, Sheree. It highlights male victimhood, coercive control, and ultimately led to her imprisonment: https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81927969Remember, relationships should be built on trust and respect. If you're feeling controlled, you're not alone. Tune in for an honest and empowering conversation.Resources mentioned in this episode:•National Domestic Violence Hotline•Sensi Walters (Counselor and Support)Don't forget to like, subscribe, and share your thoughts! Cheers to healthy, respectful relationships!Find us on Instagram and Tiktok @DWTS_Shit. And you can follow @only_aamy & sadie.cubitt on Instagram too. Let's laugh with wine together!

Music Alright babes, how you doing today? Alright darlings Oh Charlotte Dawes in it. Yeah, alright, Dalens. Dalens. Oh no, can't do it now. It's gone. It's gone. How come you're... It's gone like butter and jam. The fact that she laughed at her own Jake that hard.

Don't even know where that came from. Anyway, yeah, Charlotte Dawes in it. Dalens. A little bit Charlotte Dawes, then. We'll leave that there. I used to try her tan though. I mean it does look good. I really want to try it. She does do it. I can't use fake tan on my skin.

It looks really good. If I could use fake tan I'd try it. I would try it. I used fake tan. Microfading. You have to face your microfading. I used fake tan last weekend. Was it last have to face your microfading. I used fake tan last weekend. Was it last weekend? I went to Lloyd's birthday. And what I have noticed is I've got a lot more

stretch marks than I first thought because the fake tan shows them up so bad. If I put it on, it just shows up my patches. I haven't actually got like X-Mirror or such but when I put it on you can see them patches of X my might appear well yeah I mean yeah I did that as well cuz I'm underneath here terrible but my stretch marks I don't think I have stretch marks! We'll do another episode on body image yeah that's a good episode right okay let's go right guys so today we've got a little bit of a different kind of topic it's a little bit more of a sensitive one so although we'd like to start with a bit of a laugh say hello to each other and

discuss our weeks we also want to point out that this is a little bit more sensitive so let's crack go straight into it sorry and I just want to say hey there wine lovers and obviously truth spillers welcome to another episode of drinking wine and talking shit we where sit, laugh and dive into some real deal topics. Today we're on talking a conversation about control navigating power dynamics in relationships. I'm sorry I just wanted to say since we planned this episode I've watched way more episodes of things that relate to this. But sorry go ahead Seed. Well that's exactly right that's what we're going to talk about today whether it's the subtle who are you texting or full-on isolation

tactics we're breaking it all down let's talk about what controlling behavior looks like and how we can spot it before it's too late. Definitely but first we just want to say that this as I've already mentioned is a very sensitive topic and we are aware that it has affected many of us. If anyone has been or is affected by the content of the show then please feel free to reach out to Sensie Walters. She's a counselor and a therapist. She's my sister-in-law and she will be able to help you with any of the kind of issues that you might have going on in terms of anything from toxic relationships to marriage cancelling.

That's right. She is a great asset for us to have as part of the show and to support our listeners. We will share the details now on the screen and at the end and in the show notes. So what exactly do we mean by controlling behavior? Essentially it's when one person in a relationship tries to dominate or manipulate the other often through isolation, jealousy or even guilt-tripping. That's right and you know like when Ross from Friends got super possessive over Rachel's work relationships, sure it's wrapped in a sitcom bow but you know and there was a big old red flag right there. We were on a break. I wonder what you were going to say. We were on a break. I hope that

picks up properly in the sound. Too loud we'll cut it out. Also there's loads of things in Friends that were like totally ridiculous obviously back in the day it was alright. Yeah but obviously now you think wow like the things that they talked about like you said like calling Monica fat all the time. That wasn't gay. And how I met your mother. So sexist. Is it? Yeah. Really? Because that's newer. When you watch it back you think yeah so sexist. Like Robin you've got to get rid of all your dogs because I'm Is it? Yeah. Really? Because that's newer. When you watch it back you think yeah. So sexist. Like Robin you've got to get rid of all your dogs because I'm your boyfriend and you should let me live with you. Is that what actually happened? Yep. I would

never get rid of my dog. Also let's just point out and I'm not saying it's okay because it definitely isn't Gino De Campo. Oh yeah. Current topic. Okay so he has been allegedly is being kind of like I want to say done I don't know if he's actually being done for it but someone said it's about sexual assault. Well his shows have been cancelled. Yeah but it's like from 15 years ago. Now I'm not saying it's okay and he's never touched anyone he hasn't actually physically assaulted anyone. As far as we're here where he just made a comment from what has been in the news yeah but it was like a sexual innuendo or but he is basically sexual harassment and fair

enough it's not okay but back in the day back then it was more okay it happened all the time and it was okay so is it it really fair? I don't know. Would he do it now? Has he done it now? He did it 15 years ago when... Dad says it's all lost in translation. I was like, Daddy's been here for years, I think he knows how to speak English. I think his innuendo was probably definitely an innuendo but irrelevant. Like I'm not saying that I'm defending that action I'm saying that I don't necessarily think that Neet Danjee is a bad guy I think at the time if he made a comment he probably thought it was acceptable then and it was just a joke and he hasn't done it now and he hasn't groped anyone or raped anyone or attacked someone you know whilst on TV, Phillips Gowfield,

you know what I mean he's not actually from what we can tell, groomed child. Yeah exactly. And then last night as well, like Aaron was saying, you know, oh he seems like a really nice guy as well. And I was like, yeah I think so, I think he seems like a really nice guy. And then I was like, but you never know. You don't know. You never know. You just don't. So, but still. Anyway, just wanted to point it out. But seriously, signs to watch out for then in terms of controlling behavior so keeping tabs on your every move discouraging any friendships because trust me people at certain yeah people who are ones to be domineering I guess like to try to isolate you subtle

comments that chip away at your confidence and self-esteem, massively common with people that are trying to control and isolate and make their relationship into something that they want rather than something that you both want. Absolutely and if at all your partner turns into Edward Cullen decides to start watching you while you sleep then yeah it's time to run. So guys, that's it. That's what we're doing this week. We're talking about on coffee control. And like I said, if you guys have got any other stories you want to share with us or anything that's affected you, then please feel free to reach out. But first, let's just keep it a little lighter for now and it is time for the wine and the

wine. Sadie always chooses the wine and the wine for the episode. Unfortunately we've had a lot of technical issues in the last couple of weeks so we've skipped a couple of weeks and had to figure it out. We are now hopefully back on track. However when we went to do our last episode Sadie picked a great wine and the wine and unfortunately we're not able to share the exact thing with you right now during the episode. How ever... But tell them... I'm going to let you do that, Una Momento.

No, no, I'm going to tell them what the wine in the Y is. Tell them what you score me on normally. Oh yes, I was about to say that. Tell them, tell them. I'm going to. I'm trying to think, she's interrupted me. Throwing me off my game. So anyway, yes, she

normally does the wine and the why and I usually give her a score out of 10 and what I usually score her on and we will share with you what we've done you can see all over Instagram as well but what I usually would score her on is creativity so how fun and exciting and cool the pairing and you know what she's created is. Pairing so how well the wine goes with the food and then also down right easiness of prep so you guys at home can choose to recreate this on a busy evening. So Sadie what was in our glasses last week? Okay so last week in our glasses which is not what's in them now. She wanted to have them in there

wanted to have it in them now and I was like well I drank that. I was like well save the wine. Drank that last week mate. Drank that, finished it off last night actually. Was a lovely Bordeaux and it was to go with some beautiful burger bombs. I say beautiful because they do not sound beautiful. My French my favorite

food is French and Italian and burger bombs fall into none of those categories and Bordeaux is French. However I made burger bombs so I was really I was really a bit of a cheat and I bought meatballs from Aldi I then patted them down into patties and cooked them in a nice onion and bacon kind of you know they'd already been cooked in a pan basically and then I popped them into pizza dough also bought from Aldi for one pound and I'd cut the pizza dough into squares so it nicely went wrapped them up into nice balls with cheese tomato sauce and then topped off with some English mustard. It did

recommend to use American mustard which I now know is a lot more mild than English mustard but I do not prefer. English mustard was great, I think the nice little kick gives it something extra and they were really nice weren't they? Yeah yeah absolutely lovely. You can find the recipe on Instagram. I really enjoy them, you can see how they're made and find the recipe on Instagram and and usually at this point is where we'd go we'll be right back after this taste test or you can just hear us tasting it for the majority of the episode so far although our feedback on that hasn't been great so we've decided that instead of you hearing us a

masticate in the entire time some people might want to hear us doing that. We've decided to cut at that point and then I'll come back with the review. Based on Sadie's creativity, pairing and time, ease and time, I gave her a 7 out of 10 for this one as a total score. Because yeah, she doesn't mean I'm being mean when I give her a score she's talking about maths because she's a loser. I'm joking. Not even a maths teacher anymore, I used to be. So yeah I gave her a 7 out of 10 because although it was absolutely banging lovely and it paired really well I think for mums at home people at home who are rushing who might want to just sit down with the kids have a nice easy snack and

grab a bottle of wine it was a little bit over not over complicated But just it in too long it did take too long even ours like this is boring and trust me I'll get bored fast anyway, because I just hate doing things that I'm not honest and repetitive But it was. That's why we're so fast at everything. Yeah But 7 out of 10 I'll take it next time it'll be something better But 7 out of 10 I'll take it, next time it'll be something better. Okay, so now it's time for the actual talking shit part of the show. As you know, me and Sadie love to talk a lot of shit. But as we've said, this week is a bit more of a sensitive topic and we just want to make sure that we give the episode credit where it's due and that we make sure we're handling things properly. So this week I'm gonna let Sadie kick off as I think based on the topic and things that things that have happened to me in my life and all of us and I think a lot of

people who are probably watching this show it's really important to be aware of these things and I think especially more so now in this day and age don't you feel like we're seeing so many more bad things on social media and in the news about terrible things that are happening to both men and women across the world. So Sadie, I'm going to let you kick off with the first story that I think came from actually one of our, somebody we know. Yeah, so I mean, I've got a couple of things to kind of say. So the first story is from someone, yeah, a family member. She dated and married somebody quite quickly and she, I think it had been a couple of years in I guess, and he had started to become a little bit more controlling and jealous.

And once she went on a first aid course and it was something to do for work and she said, oh, after the first aid course she said, gonna do I'm gonna do this course next and he said to her do you think that's enough learning for one year and I was just like what? Enough learning for one year but for a start you can do whatever learning you want to do and secondly to actually physically point that now if somebody said that to me if a man said that to me I'd be like alright and then I just carry on doing what I was doing. Do you not want me to be educated so that I can't learn that you're an asshole? Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah literally. Now like don't get me wrong like I've not been in a...

I wouldn't say I've ever been in a controlling relationship so it's very difficult for me to empathise in these situations. Obviously I know you've been through a lot. I was in a relationship where it felt like control because obviously when we first started seeing lot. I was in a relationship where it felt like control because obviously when we first started seeing each other, I was very much in control. And then when I wasn't in control anymore, it felt very much like he was in control and he was telling me when to be and where to be.

And if he was like three hours late, then I was the one emotionally. Unstable. Yeah, because I was an angry because you were a tardy nobbed yeah it was really random like when I look back I think I don't get where that and obviously that only lasted didn't last very long and it was also a very fleeting from start to finish yeah fleeting relationship and I would never put myself through that again but it's

it's a very difficult place to be and emotionally you are made to feel like it's all your fault and you're doing it and I remember speaking to a friend of mine about it and I kept saying it's me it's my problem like I'm doing something wrong and she was like I used to think that I dated a boy when I and she was an older friend she's I dated a boy when I was and she was an older friend she said I dated a boy when I was at uni. Oh a guy when I was at uni and he would make me wait and he would leave me hanging and all this and she says and eventually I realized it was him who had the problem and at the time I was like no you're wrong. Did you actually think that? Yeah. Oh my god. And then now when you look back you're like she was totally on it

she was spying on it, she was spon She was spon with it and I just think you don't know, it's weird how you don't listen to other people's advice until you're ready To make that change. I absolutely yeah, absolutely and I will go into this a little bit later But I'm a very big crime buff anyway I will literally read if I find out about a crime. I have a bit of an obsession thing that happens and I'll then find out about a crime. I have a bit of an obsession thing that happens and I'll then watch the documentary, read the news story. We're not talking about crime yet. No I just meant, the reason I'm saying this, there's a reason I'm saying this, is because I'll get really obsessed with it and I'll watch the documentary, read the book, listen to the podcast, google everything that's to do with it and recently I've been watching

something which again I'll go back into a bit more later but what made me say this is because what you've just said is when you actually thought you one you weren't ready until you're ready and two you thought you were wrong you thought you were the one good that's called gaslighting guys just in case they wanted and you can't see when you're in it and I've been watching this program lately and it's about couples who one of them gets married and dies. And in it it was like this pair these parents were like oh I knew this time she was gonna do it because it was her choice to leave or his choice to

leave and then at that point when they went to leave is when they always say it's like something bad happens but until you're ready until you can make that choice yourself no one can tell you otherwise. And everybody's been through that. So if people are kind of judging you or you're probably getting a bit mad at someone at the moment who's your friend who's not listening to you, just it's a lot more in depth than that, isn't it?

That kind of hold someone can have over you where you think you're wrong, you think you are doing things wrong. And how many times have we said to people, you don't have to do that if you're not comfortable with it and they're like you're wrong or I don't believe you or I want to make them happy. We've all been there we have we're not saying that we are not in that same position because we have been. But I think you learn from your mistakes and you move on especially if you have a really good support network and I think that's what

we had and that's how we've come through it. Definitely, definitely. I think in terms of like when we've had people speak to us about this recently and just so many things that have come from people where you think wow it wasn't just one person is happening to it's never just you and I think it's that just don't be enclosed I think when for me in the past when I've I've had two particular relationships and I was talking to my current partner about about one the other day because we were watching in a program about stalking and this person got stalked and She kept reporting to the police. Please don't want to do anything and then she were dead and

I would and please, please don't do anything and then she was dead. And this sister of the girl who died said to her mum and her mum said it always sticks with me because think about stalking because it comes from deer stalking and she goes what happens to the deer at the end? Yeah and because it really stuck with me and when I was a lot younger it was actually 10 years ago to this year. How mental is that that I'm that old? That I can go 10 years ago when I was 25. And wow, I was really stoked a little bit. Once I ended this particular relationship, I was stoked at work, I was stoked at my friends

houses, at my mum's house, my sister's house, and he even followed me. I even hid under my friend's bed once because he came to the house looking for me and I was so scared he was going to do something. I was shaking like, and I remember going to his house, I still had a key and I had to get all my stuff whilst he was at work. Yeah, I was there with your other friend. Right, so I don't have a memory of you being there. I only have a memory of my friend being there. I was trying to shove everything in that car.

My tiny little car, my Citroen C1, Matardis, that's my friend being there and I was trying to shove everything in that car my tiny little car my 6 and c1 metardis that's what I called it and because shitting myself at the same time I was shitting myself I was shaking so bad I was so scared and he was texting me don't you effing go in my house don't you dare use that effing key and and I remember it raining it was really really badly raining and he goes to work he used to go to work on a Saturday with his dad in the morning and I saw I know this I saw this right so as I'm driving out of this town towards the town where he lived he had to come to that same town to go meet his dad and as I'm driving out of it I see him come the other way past me all right

so he's on his way to his dad's house but he's chucking it down and it was an outside job so I'm like he is not gonna be gone long he's gonna be cancelled off so that was even more why I was scared and I remember my friend saying to me we are not leaving your stuff and I was like just leave it just leave it what is stuff when you're alive depended and his dad was lovely he got his crazy from his mother not that I'm putting anyone down but this is nothing to do with gender right his mom was like him. To be fair the next guy you date he got it from his dad. Yeah and

then but his mom was also so strange I remember when I went to go meet her for the first few times she was very similar and she'd broken up with somebody her moment that his mom and dad had been divorced for years, his dad was an absolutely lovely man even to the point where he rang me a few months later and brought my belongings back to me and said he didn't want him to throw them away. A year and a half later he rang me because this person had got a new girlfriend who was saying to him how abusive this guy was being. I even heard from his new girlfriend as well and advised her not to go out with him. She ended up going out with one of your friends afterwards. I'll

tell you who later, you know who I'm talking about. So, I'm not going to save these friends after. But he even called me because he wanted to know how I was treated because he was so worried that his son was actually abusing this girl and he most likely was. As time went by and the more I got to know him and his mum and his dad I realised you know his dad even and even he would talk about silly things that his mum had done over time and and he would say it was a bit crazy and strange yet it was obvious that maybe it is genetically passed down. I mean this guy was just so obsessed and then once he moved on to

his new person he then became obsessed with them and you find that as well. And it's such a shame because they must feel very under... they're controlled by that as well. Yeah and I'll always say... I'm not saying that they're an innocent person because they're controlled by something but at the same time they obviously need help. And yeah and it was just a very very crazy relationship and something that really really like also there were just so many times where he followed me to work and kept sending me flowers to work and then it was parked outside work one day and I had to like get out of work without him following me and my friends kind of did a convoy at

work and it was just the strangest thing to be in and you think after the first one the second one you probably see coming you don't. Especially because the second one you knew him for a long time before that. Yeah and thought he was just like a fun guy who was a bit of a player you know I didn't think he would be that way and that was just another like this is years later and about two three years ago actually and when it ended and it was only very very short lived again, like literally a year, but this person was much more aggressive, much more controlling, much more angry as well. Like we would be in shopping centres and

and I could look the wrong way and he would then have a massive go at me, start shouting at me for looking at a man. Didn't even know there was a man there. Just looking at the rice. There was one particular man that he said I was looking at and I was like one I didn't see him and two not usually my type like there was a particular person he was like you were looking at that man and I was like what man? I was like I'm the kind of person you describe because I wouldn't look anyway. I'd be thinking about cheese. We're in Aussie. I'm always thinking about cheese. Or feta or both. Always both. Right. And literally it was so bad. On holiday, we went on holiday once and it was the

worst holiday I've ever been on. He left me about ten times. I mean the other guy also left me in the middle of Germany once so that was fun. And bear in mind, for God's sake, don't do anything. Do anything. Do you know why he left me in Germany? Because I gave a Trump the rest of my hot dog. You can't call him Trump. You keep your night in. Sorry. I gave a homeless man the rest of my hot dog that he bought for me because I was no longer hungry and I knew he'd be annoyed at me for giving it away because he paid for it. So when he went into McDonald's for a wee I quickly gave this guy who was on the street my hot dog and as I was giving it to him and I thought about it I must

have thought about this for a long time I must have been scared to do it because as I was doing it I came back out of McDonald's so it was a while before I burned up the garage to go just give that guy your hot dog because you don't want it. Just leave me in Germany you fucking knobbo. I should have just been left in Germany I probably would have found some very much nice strangers who trained me there. 100% And I was on the phone to my mum and Zaydee like I need to come home and he was watching me he was watching me this whole time so I thought he'd left me I've got my suitcase with me I'm literally in the middle of a random street in Germany bear in mind that was the layover like it was just a stop in between our actual going to Rome holiday on the way. But I couldn't believe it just left you.

But he hadn't he'd left me and stood by and watched me so he had left me obviously but here's me trying to sort things out and the minute he knew that could have been really bad. And the minute he knew that I got a flight home or that my mum would obviously get the flight sorted he comes strolling over it was just the weirdest thing and it must have been awful for my family. I don't have the flight home you can fuck off you're not leaving me in a rant. It's not that I didn't want mum to pay for the flight home I hadn't paid for the holiday I was still at uni or I was just finishing my teaching yeah I wasn't I didn't have the money for a flight home we just you know it was like I'll treat you to a holiday yeah it was just awful and I just if anything I just yeah and and don't

get me wrong this isn't just a women thing and unfortunately statistics it is it is a lot of men do this to a lot of women but obviously there are obviously the occasions where women do this to men as well and there will be a story later where that yeah and we're not taking it away, the severity of it away when it happens to a man because I think with a man, and I was talking to my partner about this, he said the thing is, the person we're going to speak about later didn't defend himself because he thought if he did he would then get done for hurting her. Okay, well we'll come back to that.

Otherwise we're gonna confuse everyone. But yeah so let's just go into a tiny and I mean tiny Amy, bit of detail about the guy that you dated more recently, so three years ago. So you know there was a time where it was starting to get a bit more worrying and I remember you called me and you were crying and obviously we'd been out for dinner that night. We'd all been out for dinner together. It all seemed lovely.

We thought, even me and Aaron were like, yeah, lovely evening. You went home, it was great. 11 o'clock I think it was, you calling me and I'm like, what the hell is this? And I'd already had Kaisel, so it's not like I didn't have any kids at this point. And I remember coming round and he'd pushed you.

He'd pushed you into a cupboard. He hadn't just done that. Well you did tell me what he'd done because you wouldn't tell me. This is on the night I called you after that meal. Yeah. So you have to be careful what I say. It's not that. There's a few things that happened that I didn't share with other people so I can't

really go into him too much but all the time where he threw me into the wardrobe was because on a Friday in the afternoons because I'm working from home and like I work really really hard in the week sometimes I do really long hours in the week and sometimes on a Friday afternoon we had no meetings Friday so sometimes I'd be apart for an hour take my mom shopping do do whatever Nick to say it is. Literally all. Our mum. Her sister.

So we started to have a go at me for going out on Friday afternoons. And I said, but I work hard all week, I work really long hours all week, if I've got a couple of hours spare on a Friday, my boss wouldn't mind me going shopping with my mum for an hour or two. Why are you bothered? You should be staying home, you should be working, etc. So I get very angry about it. I was like, it's just because you don't want me to go anywhere whilst you're at work because you want to know where I am all the time. We even saw a counsellor

once within the one-year relationship and the counsellor said well but why do you need to know exactly where she's all the time and he said she is my girlfriend why shouldn't I know exactly where she is all the time. What did the counsellor say? He tried to be very calm, he absolutely agreed that there was problems. But he was trying to question this out of him as if he'd be like but why? And he said because I care about her but that wasn't why. It wasn't because he was to an extent in his head, in his mind but it was because he just wanted to know where I was all the time. Because she might be sleeping with somebody else just like I am on the weekends. Yeah yeah because that's what we've got time to do.

Yeah. Between podcasting, doing a full time job, having children, looking after dogs, you know. She hasn't even got time to have an affair now because she has to be my side, my side woman with the kids. Side man. My side man. Mum assistant. They have a dad.

He's here. Oh yeah that's not what we need. He's great. Just women are sometimes better. Yeah, he always takes a village don't it. He does. He really does. But no, oh you might forget what I'm gonna say but long story short. Receipt. He... Yeah so basically on this one Friday I knew I was going to get mad at me for going out so I said I wasn't going anywhere. So I... SHE LIED! So I said I wasn't going anywhere, took my mum shopping and we parked. Rookie move. When we parked you got a parking ticket, you had to get a parking ticket, pay for a parking

ticket, put it in your car. Right, so I did that. She wasn't that bloody weird was she? Forgot all about it you're a shit I am making mother prick anyway so I go is case not go shopping come home go back in the house and he's going to fetch this wardrobe ordered not bought anyway before we does it oh no, I've got his two children at my house and they're really young. So, before he does it, he goes to get in the

car, as he gets in the car, I'm at home thinking everything's fine, and he walks back in the house and he is kicking off like literally big time. I mean, who even noticed that? noticed like I wouldn't have even asked carport ticket looks at it obviously from that day and I would perform obviously having an affair with somebody at Wilco's yeah yeah right especially next to the hairdressers in the pet shop. I mean if I was someone from Glynn's. We knew them when they were five they're like 90. Anyway so he comes in kicking off and he's like where have you been? I went I took my mom shopping I knew you'd be angry about it

because you don't like me going out on Fridays. Prove it! I said here. You're literally holding the parking ticket. No no no. Doesn't say Lisa Cubitt on that parking ticket does it? No no no. Doesn't say Amy Cubitt either. Couldn't have met anybody. So I showed him the text message that I sent to my mum as I just got home apologising for rushing her as I was so scared that he would get back early and realise I wasn't there. Here's the text message to my mother spying scared of you. Does that not give you any, does that not give you any does that not tell you in any way that maybe being a bit of a knob right now so there was that that

was the day he did throw me into the wardrobe I don't know if it was like later on in the day because he did go and fetch the wardrobe in the end with his family because his sister then threw you into it he thought I'm gonna go and get this wardrobe and later on I'm gonna throw her at it. It's still broken to this day. I've still got it. It's not a massive part of wardrobe. Sick wardrobe ain't given to that. Oh, for some reason I thought you'd moved since then. No, no, no.

No? Um, anyway. We've got to move on, Aimee. Yeah. I know we're laughing about it now, but it is very scary. And we kind of take these things in our stride because I think sometimes based on our adverse childhood experiences, which

I learned about at work the other day, we're very good at that because we can't help it because we naturally have, it's like, oh that's another experience, we'll just move on from that and we can laugh about it and learn from it and move on. Some people cannot. I agree. And a lot of people cannot and I think I don't know how we've been able to be okay in society based on a lot of the experiences but we are and I think that also gives us a bit more of like humor about it. Unfortunately maybe that's not a good thing. Some people would talk about these things and be like this happens to me and they'd be so upset and that's fine you are very valid in your feelings and

sometimes we laugh at things that maybe we might that's our coping mechanism. It is our coping mechanism and we've had each other. And we've had each other. We've always had each other. And we, Amy, oh my god, this happened to me. And we have always had a fantastic support network. For those that have not, may not be able to deal with these situations in the same way as everybody else, as others, not everybody else. I doubt this is a normal reaction to abuse. I'm like, I can't remember that time.

I told you. Bye. I'm like, I can't remember that time you told you! Sorry! Oh my god, this guy nearly raped me the other night! I'm joking. That never happens, I'm kidding. It's never too far on drinking wine and talking shit. Never!

However... Leave me a fucking happy image, girls. I don't know what makes us so resilient, but we are. We're not going to go into too much detail. We don't want you to know all of our dirty laundry. I do worry that my kids are never going to develop character. Oh they will. Because we're just like, really, I feel like their daughter would give them character. No Sadie we're not we don't let them like. I was too scared to go on soft play. He needs to man up now. Yeah literally I'm like oh push the kid man. Right he will though because he gets a bit older I think he'll start

going more with his dad's like boxing and things like that. Push him back! Sorry. I told him the other day he's got to go for his two year... two year... is... oh no does he have to? Yeah his three year jabs. I says you've got to go to the doctors and they're gonna put an injection in each leg. He went, mommy that'll hurt? I went yeah. For a second. It'll hurt a bit. And I literally went, a bit like that. And he went, ahhh. But it's gone now isn't it? And he laughed, yeah, I was like, okay, be fine. I'm to be honest, I think that, I know it hurts them, but any older, you've got that understanding that it'll go away, and it's going away now,

whereas when they're babies, they're like, what the fuck did you just do to me? And then they cry. They don't cry that long. She didn't cry that long when we took her, yeah, she didn't. Sadie's youngest daughter, Doraea, had her jabs not that long ago.

Yeah, she only cried for a minute. I think Kynesel cried more for longer. He did, he did, yeah. He did. Amen. Oh, they just can't take the pain out of women. No, they can't. I mean, they're not born for it, are they?

They don't have to go to the shower. Anyway, we're going to move on because we have got to round up. We have. On a more serious note, controlling relationships can have devastating consequences. Emotionally, it chips away at self-esteem and independence. Trust us, we flippin' know about it. Psychologically, it can lead to anxiety and depression. Absolutely, and in extreme cases,

it can escalate to coercive control or even physical abuse. The Channel 4 documentary on Angel Lin is a haunting reminder of how dangerous this can get. And let me tell you, if you haven't watched it, Zadie, I'm gonna. Oh my God, she's from Leicestershire. She's from where it's like, it is so relatable. She reminded me of us.

She reminded me of what I was like when I was her age. When she was in a severe accident, age when she was in a severe accident and when I say in a severe accident her partner pushed her out of the back of a van going 60 mile an hour she worked this older lady who she came really good friends with and that was her only friend her and her parents so no wonder she felt like she couldn't leave this guy when she met him and he was just this horrible little shit watch it because there was a part in it. Otherwise Amy is gonna tell you the entire story Sorry, I just really need to I just want to say this night. There's a part in it where something happens Watch it and I was just livid in my head shouting at the time of my life. Oh I was just like so yeah, please watch it

It was just an eye-opener and how actually how and fantastic she was, is as a person, you know. Obviously not to mention it as well, Netflix's worst ex ever. Some of those stories are heartbreaking. One minute is a sweet romance and the next is a full on manipulation and danger. Now I just want to point out as well, that I think due to experiences

in how you get on with life, I think me and Amy constantly ask ourselves what kind of people we want to be and I think that's why one we're resilient and two we're quite quick to help others so trust us when we say if there is anything bothering you and you feel like you need to reach out then please do there is not a situation that you could tell us that we would not want to help with I'm not even kidding just reach out we've got our Oz we've got Sensie who is our kind of go-to therapist slash psychologist and we are really just here to help you absolutely and then again I don't want

to just zone in on the fact this only happens to women and there is the Netflix series as well called my my wife My Abuser which I have actually just finished watching last night. Very interesting I do advise like go and watch it and like he does not retaliate he does not do anything if anything I think at one point when apparently she smashes and I don't think I saw this bit but I think it's because I kind of fell asleep between episode one and two and she smashes eggs like full on eggs like over his face and cracks them on his head right now this is she stabbed him with carving knives she hit him around them honestly he was beaten black and

blue all over his body from wine bottle full wine bottles and he never wants to tell it I went the minute she hit me on the face with egg on the back hand literally like I'm not saying it's okay to hit a woman it It's not okay to hit a man. Yeah, absolutely. And he never once would tell it. I mean, he was scared. One punch should be all yours. I know that's what I thought. Not that it's okay, but don't you think in this situation

he didn't even defend himself? I'm like, I'm sorry, but okay, I've had enough now. Defend is different to abuse. Also, she had no marks on her body. He was covered in bruises. Even the investigating officer said, you can see where bruises had healed and where new bruises were.

And where bruises had healed and where bruises were. One side of his ear had cauliflower ears from where she battered him with a wine bottle that much that he never did anything. Like he had scars from carving knives. Oh, he must have loved to sum up chronic because he did love her. Blimey. Even at the end, when she went to prison

and he brought her an overnight bag, bag she says I hope he's packed me straighteners and the police officer said I had this realization where I had to say to him he didn't she didn't care about you or the children didn't even ask where her children were she only cared about straighteners and he said I did pack one for her because he knew she'd want them. So she said even in this weird twisted way they still like she knew he wouldn't let her down and he still loved her. It was just insane. That is such a shame. That is like she'd just beat him down for 20 years. That is such a shame. So it was very very upsetting yeah and it's just eyeing into what.

Yeah oh gosh well look we've got to round off but if you're dealing with any controlling behavior step one is making sure that you recognize it and step two is setting boundaries and reaching out for support like we've mentioned earlier our support network is what kept us intact and kept our resilience going and made sure we got out of those situations. So talk to a trusted friend or a therapist and honestly reach out to us and Sensei. Yeah and a big one to young people, Dowie parents, you will never ever think so you think they're wrong. You think that they don't know what you're going through

and yes, they're gonna tell you not to be with that person because they love you and they value you and your life and who you are. That person, if they're treating you that way, they don't value you, they only value themselves and what they can get from this relationship. And if they're not treating you right, it's so hard when you're not treating you right it's so hard when you're in it it's just so hard when you're in it but but please if anybody is watching this please please no you

are not alone and you're not and it's so important if you feel like you are when you're watching this message us please just yeah I say we really want you to we really would like to help you so there are also some resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and support groups but like we said please either reach out to us or to our therapist slash psychologist Sensie Walters and if you're feeling stuck check out the documentary telling Amy's story is also a chilling but important look at how control can escalate if it is left unchecked and it's very important to understand the severity of some of the situations that you might be in and maybe

don't realise it. Absolutely and like I said we'll put all of the information for any hotline and all the information you need for us and Cency in the show notes after the episode. Okay so what is the takeaway? Well relationships should feel like a partnership not a dictatorship and if you feel like you're walking on eggshells it's time to re-evaluate. Absolutely and don't forget to pour yourself a glass of red or white while you do it. Cheers to healthy respectful relationships for both men and women. Cheers and don't forget to like, subscribe and your thoughts until next time keep sitting and talking shit Thanks guys you you you you you you you you you you you