Dumb Blonde - Ask, Tell, Confess: Best of Closet Poops & Bedtime Lies

Episode Date: September 5, 2025

Buckle up, because this Ask, Tell, Confess episode goes from zero to WTF real quick. We’re swapping personal stories that range from a dude dropping a deuce in a closet (yes, you read that right) to a woman who deserves an Oscar for her “fake it ‘til you make it” routine. The crew dives into drunken disasters, wild bedroom escapades, and the ever-elusive orgasm.But it’s not all laughs—things get real as we talk women’s health, from hysterectomies to ablations, and why advocating for yourself at the doctor’s office is non-negotiable. We wrap it all up with a chat about ethics, personal growth, and just how messy (and hilarious) life can be.Watch Full Episodes & More:www.dumbblondeunrated.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I want to know why and the hell are you not on Patreon. I don't think you guys even realize how much content we have on Patreon. Let me break it down for you. We have the Bunny X-O show. We have Meet the DeFords. We have propaganda. We have more shows that we're adding. And not to mention, we have the visuals of the podcast.

Not only that, we have four tiers that caters to everybody's budget and everybody gets the podcast. There's no more excuses. Head over to www. dot com backslash dumb blonde podcast and sign up stop missing out we have built a huge community over there guys i'm talking about hundreds of thousands of people over there we even have live chats live chats that i actually am talking in every single night last but not least we give away gifts every freaking month i'm talking like signed stuff from j and i lives you just never know what kind of surprise you're going to get it's like a cracker jack box i love the

community that we've built over there at Patreon. If you are already a Patreon member, I freaking love you, dude. Thank you so much. You guys are my babies for life, my writers. If I could, I would literally make out with each and every one of you. I love you guys so much. And that's a lot of kisses, actually. Got to go by. her best Hello friends Welcome back to

Ask Tell La La La La La La La La La La Come down Josh I said I'm out of here, bro Is that enough? Excuse me

Do you don't want to work you got to come earn your keep buddy that was funny jodgy that was comical man he went into it he didn't like it he's not he's not into it today he hated it you know you've been getting really grumpy in your old age son it's all right okay still love you how's everybody doing doing good miss you guys it's been a while guys i missed you see the post i sent you i was like haven't seen my friends in so long what if i get shy I know I miss you guys I feel like we've just been fucking living life, man. Feeling.

Trying to get ready. L-I-V-I-N. I guess we accidentally announced Jay's Australian tour. Did you guys see all that? No. Oh, yeah, it made headline news. So apparently, but here's the thing. I saw ads on Facebook for it.

So I thought everybody knew that we were going to know about it. Yeah. Oh, well, oops. We're coming to Australia. I just don't know the exact dates, but we're coming, baby. And when we do, you guys better sell it out. Okay. Sell that motherfucker out because we're coming, baby.

What did you say? I didn't know that. I didn't either. I didn't know that either. I didn't either. I didn't either. Who wants to kick this off? I do.

Oh my God. I never kick it off. I'm next. Okay, you kick it off. Go ahead. I'm just kidding. I just wanted to beat you to the punch. No, it's okay.

Go. Wow. Okay. Sorry to the listeners that are over the poop stories, but here it goes. Oh, for the love of God. Oh, this is great. My best friend and I lived in an apartment together right after high school. She was dating a guy we had known for several years and went to school with, and we partied hard, but he really pushed it to the limit.

We got pretty drunk one night, and he stayed the night with her. She said she woke up around five in the morning to him passed out in her closet, covered in shit. Closet? Covered in shit and it all over her clothes and other things in her closet. She proceeded to wake him up. He got up and went straight to the bathroom to clean himself up. And when he was done, he came in. to her bedroom and said, it wasn't me.

And just walked out and left. It's my favorite part. What is the fuck? The gas lighting. It wasn't me. I had no idea any of this happened until a few days later. A belt of mine she had borrowed was sitting in an empty beer box by her trash. I started to pull it out of the box and she screamed, don't touch that.

She told me the whole story of what had happened and explained that there was a massive turd that got stuck to my belt in the midst of his shit incident. We laughed hysterically about it and she also shed a tear. Okay, first of all, I have never been that drunk to where I am loose booty. Me either. I can't, I mean. You guys don't get beer shits? No.

Oh. I've seen people get beer shits where they're just like side of the road just spraying. Really? Is it from the wheat or the gluten? Oh, I bet you're the gluten. That makes sense. Golly. Wasn't me.

yeah wasn't me i could never like and then to just shit everywhere like do have you been that drunk listen i've been really drunk to where i'm like black out but i still would know if i'm fucking shatting everywhere you know oh god you know like it had been just like a water hose just like i've never been so drunk to where i've like heat on myself thrown up on myself or shit myself okay well i did puke in my bed one time the last time i ever drank i puked in my bed in front of jay all fours in your bed, just, and I will never, I never drank again after. Well, I like here and there very rarely. But yeah. So, and that was enough to embarrass me. So if that guy even picked up a fucking glass of alcohol after he shit everywhere, I'm sure he did.

It was like a freaking shitty sprinkler. Just shitting everywhere. Yeah, just shitting everywhere. I wonder if it was on like medication, you know. I mean, that's very sweet of you, Hymaid. I love you. Why are we taking it up for shit? It's very, who's shy. I may, have you shit in a fucking closet before. Was it you? No, but I've had to clean. When I cleaned rooms, I actually walked up to a room and there was shit on like the front door.

Wait, you used to clean room? Yeah, like a housekeeper. Oh my gosh. Tell me what are the crazy. What's the craziest shit you've ever seen cleaning up a room? It was that. It was that day. It was shit on the front door.

I walk in and there's shit from the front door that leads all the way up stairs. Ew. So it looked like a monkey enclosure. Like, it was nuts. I was like, what? And I was the first one in there. Who's got that much shit in him? That's wild.

Turns out he was like some professor who partied a little too hard with pills. It was a professor? There was shit in this, in the, um, all over like the bed, the bathroom, the, oh, the, the shower. The shower was still a mess. I don't know how. He had the old waffle stomped. Yeah. It was bad.

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shit in a shower that's so weird that's my dream just came to me but i wish i could actually like shit in a shower now there's no way i could do that i've shit in a pool before i've shit in a lazy river at fucking shit in your dress wild i shit in a dress one time and then scooped it up and took it to jay and i was like look it was a little nugget he was mortified he didn't know what to do with me and ask why is it so hard for me to orgasm the man is not the problem he does everything right and i have gotten so close than nothing i feel like she hasn't learned her body well a lot of i'm going to just put it out there not a lot a lot of women orgasm with men it's very hard you have to have clitoral stimulation a lot of the time you have to be on top and like rubbing your

clit at the same time as you're getting penetration, or else you're not going to orgasm. You can use a toy while he's banging you. Like if you're a doggy style, use a toy that'll make you orgasm. But sometimes when it gets up to that point of orgasm, you feel a little bit uncomfortable. Like it almost feels like you might pee sometimes. You have to be able to get past that point to get to the whole full pleasure zone. Yeah. So don't feel bad because your husband's not making you.

orgasm. There's a lot of women who do not orgasm with men. And the first orgasm I ever had was with a vibrator. Wasn't with a man. Yeah. I feel like she needs to learn her body, though, because like something, there's something more there. And if she said she's close, she's not passing over the rainbow. Like, you've got to keep going. Yeah. And I don't think it's about learning our body. I think it's just learning different positions to where you can stimulate that because we can also orgasm from the inside, but that's even harder and like guys have to do that with a finger unless they do have like a captain hook and can reach that spot but yeah next season we get a sex expert on here and we have them teach us all the tricks i'm totally down yeah let's do it i know yeah but don't feel bad girl

you're not the only one and everybody's like that yeah haley have you ever ever orgasmed with a man have you told a man that you did oh i've told plenty all them so they leave i've told plenty i am the best So they leave. I'm over it. I am the best at faking orgasms. I will make a man feel 10 feet tall. Yeah. How do you feel about that?

I'm rethinking some experiences now. Before I may, you're like, I would be willing to say 90% of women orgasming with their significant other are fake. Oh. Yes. I could probably count on one hand with a guy. yeah okay yeah my husband has made me orgasm but there's other men that I've been with

that I've never had an orgasm with I've had to use like toys to make it happen once they leave no well or while you're with them she's like our ride let me call you the Uber isn't that maybe you don't want to feel that vulnerable with them because the orgasming listen you get to know somebody when you see their O face have you like you could fucking think a dude is so fine

And you fucking see their orgasm face and they're like, eh. Like one of those goats, you know? Stop. I get it kicked out so fast. I know. But imagine what some of our orgasm faces look like. Yeah, I couldn't imagine what my face looks like. What does yours look like?

It's called the vinegar stroke. Have you heard of it? No. So it's pretend you have a spoon of vinegar and then hold it up under your nose. That's what your face is. No, my orgasm face is way hotter. I've practiced it. Yeah, I don't think I looked at that.

She says I practiced in a mirror. I've practiced it. Yeah, yeah. I've been on film many a times. I know what my orgasin face looks like. That's so funny. Should we tell the story about Live on the podcast? Okay, but I won't give names.

Okay. And you got to show the picture, too. You got to show the picture too. This is who Olivia is, man. She is so funny. This kid is so fucking hilarious. Jaime doesn't know the story. This is my first time.

Yeah. Okay. So this is notice. respect this is a very innocent child doing this entire situation um there was a recent burial in this like 1800s cemetery up the road from someone i know and olivia was very intrigued by this she is very fascinated of all things like circle of life and my mom said i you know i'll take you up there i don't mind we can go see i've hiked up to that cemetery myself too it's a really beautiful old cemetery hand-carved gravestones, everything like that. And so there's this freshly buried person up

there. And Olivia got my mom's phone and she's taking pictures of like the old tombstones and some blurry pictures, everything like that. So when my mom came back, she decided to show my husband these really cool gravestones and all this kind of stuff. So she's swiping through and she finds a blurry photo and she goes, oh, this is when I handed it to Olivia. So she swiping it. So she swiping it. a couple more, and this photo pops up. So let me just show you guys. This photo, while Olivia had my mom's phone. You know what doesn't belong in your epic summer plans, getting burned by your old

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Seamette mobile for details. All right. It's the tongue for me. It's so funny, dude. I feel like whoever's buried there was definitely like smiling with her. I feel like they would have enjoyed this. That's just such an innocent kid. It's so innocent.

And it just, my mom and husband broke out laughing so hard. And they were like, they had no idea this photo existed. But the fact that she decided to take a selfie with this grave just absolutely sent me. It is so my child. I hope a kid does that to me when I'm buried. You need to blow this up and put it in her room.

She's got like a Lainey Wilson shirt on or something like that. She's so innocent. I'd be like this in the background. Like, like, It reminds me, Haley said it, it reminds me of the little girl who's smiling in front of the burning house. Yeah. That's literally Olivia was like a fresh Doug grave.

Yeah. Go ahead, memes. Yeah. What do you got? I was with my oldest daughter's father. He had a foot fetish. And we started getting down and he used to love his feet to be worshipped. And I started worshipping his feet and he started to finger my pussy with his toe.

And asked me if I enjoyed it. It was so weird. He never did it again. But it was the last time having sex with him. I've tried that before. Come on. You guys don't just get freaky and want to shove shit in your vagina? Your own toe?

Not my own toe. Not someone else's toe. I'm not putting anyone's toe on my vagina. I did a long time ago. That's happened. It doesn't feel like anything. It's so short and little. It doesn't do anything for you.

I have watched a video of you put your toe in most vagina. I did put a toe in Mose vagina, actually, from my old OF. Yeah. I edited the video. Yeah. Maybe he used to have to edit all my OF shit. Oh my gosh. This poor woman has seen the inside of me, okay?

She's seen every crevice. There is nothing. I hate that word. Crevice. Moist crevice. Yeah. I thought about the time that we put your butt in a cake that one time, but the cake was frozen and we had put spam or we put Pam all over.

your buck so it just slid out kicked out of no we did this at my house because there's like this thing called sploshing yeah I think is what it's called and so I was like you know what I'm gonna cater to my fed I think somebody paid me to do the video actually and so I thought I got like a regular freaking cake from like just like an ice cream publics and we got it out of the fridge and I'm in lingerie step and I go to plop down on this cake so that because the the fetish is the cake just you sitting in the cake and it just all over your ass. Yeah. Literally,

I fucking go to sit on this cake and it's like, boom. Like it is a frozen tundra of cake. It barely even made a fucking imprint. I slid right off the cake, dude. The slid, it literally just came out from under her butt.

Literally. And I'm like, okay, this is, I'm oversploshing. I can't do it. What are your thoughts on hysterectomy? I know this week on the podcast. Oh, did you? Yeah.

This week on the podcast, we talk a lot about women's health. And I thought this was a great question. So I said, what's your thoughts on a hysterectomy? I'm 42. And having one after getting my tubes tied. Is she going to fall off? I'm scared. Okay.

Tubes tied years ago and having the worst periods ever, no medical reason per se. But mom had one young due to issues. And I'm curious what other women think about this. I've been on the fence for several years. So you're saying that like her mom had gotten hysterectomy. so she's feeling like maybe she should just go ahead and do it, which I feel like there are other options other than the hysterectomy. Like you can get an ablation.

That's another thing. You know, I hear a lot of women that say ablations are literally life-changing for their periods. Then you don't have to go through the whole menopause thing. And we talk about that this week. Well, there's also this new thing that you get, which is what I begged my doctor to give me was,

and she told me no, I was too young, is you can get a hysterectomy, but keep your ovaries. So you don't go through. through the menopause until it's time to go through the menopause. Really? So, yeah, I think, I think. They just take uterus and tubes? Yep.

So I think whatever you want to do for your body, you need to advocate for. You guys will learn in this podcast coming up on Monday, like I've had to really advocate for myself medically. And women, we know our bodies and we know what we need to do. We know, you know, how we're feeling. And I just feel like if you're ready for that, step in your life and you're okay with you know never having babies again then fucking do it I don't think there's anything wrong with like like I didn't know about keeping the ovaries yeah also like the

ablations there's options yeah like if you want to get a full hysterectomy too just make sure you get on HRT and make sure that you know so whenever you do have to hit that menopausal hormonal shit it's a little bit easier I've actually thought about getting an ablation just because I don't want to have my period anymore and I'm not going to have any kids so it's like why not a friend of mine had it done she said it was literally life changing for her that like she hasn't had a period and I think she said like three years now and the first period was a little rough but three years no period and she didn't have to go through the surgeries and like the ovaries all that kind of stuff because you know I'm scared only because something's

messed up in there yeah and I found that out during my C-section and she said if you have a cyst burst it can actually like close off a tube or attach your tube to your uterus and I think that's what happened to me remember I was telling you guys the doctor couldn't find my tube when they went to go remove it I think it was like a cyst burst that scar tissueed the tube to my uterus I believe it my whole shit is fucked up down there so I get it happened to you too yeah no I get it it's uh everybody's I just feel bad for us girlies that have such fucked up uteruses dude like it is not fair women who have good uteruses you guys are so lucky so lucky so fucking lucky but yeah do whatever makes your heart fucking uh set on fire baby like if that if you want to do that go do it

don't let anybody else jade your decision because yeah they feel like it's not ethically right or you know a doctor's telling you that you can't do it i would like to be anonymous three years into my marriage my husband started accusing me of being born a man because i'm tall, Scottish to broadly shoulders, and what the fuck ever made him think this, even though I have children from a previous relationship, and he knew me while pregnant. He would not leave me, he would not leave me alone about it so much that I had to do a 23 in me. I was obsessed to prove it to him, so obsessed that I lost myself for a long time. Not that I'm being a victim, I'm still married to him going on nine years total. Yes, he did finally drop the subject, but I will

never be the same mentally. First of all, ma'am, that's not a victim mentality. What your husband did to you was abusive. That's abuse. That's abuse. That man literally has a skeleton in his closet. Something triggered that and he's projecting it onto you. Somebody said something to him. Something happened to him. Something triggered him abusing you like that. And if I were you, I would have left him a long fucking time. Why are we still together? He's probably going to do that to your kids. And he's going to do this in another subject. Behind your back.

Yeah. If he's saying that to your face. Yeah. No, that's not going to end right there. That is going to resurface in another way, may have nothing to do with that subject. He's going to abuse you again in another subject. I mean, he's seen your vagina. Like, how was he going to say that you were a man, dude?

Like, that was, he was literally bullying you. Yes. Bullying is literally in relying you. Yeah. Yes. And you deserve to feel the way that you do. you are right in every way that you feel your feelings are valid. If you need to go talk to a therapist to kind of work through it, do it.

But the first thing you need to do is drop that fucking dud. Yeah, fuck that dude. Man, fuck that guy. As from Emmy Bear, tell. I'm telling the story on my husband's behalf. So back in the day, before we were adults and found recovery, my husband was married to the town tramp. He had recently caught her cheating on him, so they split up.

A couple days go on and they run into each other at a party. needless to say they ended up hooking up that night but he didn't fuck her with his dick he fucked her with a wiffle ball bat yep it was consensual i've always found the story hilarious especially the way my husband tells it he is very much an alpha and is huge on loyalty so i'm sure he gave her the business with that whiffle ball bat he literally would die if he hears this while i'm watching patreon I did it like this I did it like that I did it with a wiffle ball bat so Beasie boys I always got a song for something She does

She's always got a little tune Listen first of all Whiffleball bats are pretty thick My mind literally I was just playing with one in the backyard Can we pull up a wiffle ball bat? I need to see the circumference Of this wifflewobat There's some they make that are like this big around

I just want to know whose pussy hole is that big dude Wasn't a new one Did you play a game of Wiffleball before? Who cares if it was new or used? I mean, I just need to see how big this thing is before it goes in the pussy hole. Like, how do some of these women get things in there?

Hey, traffic cone. Oh, I remember that. Remember the Hoarlympics, though? The fucking ones that they were sitting on. Oh, that like freaking tentacles. It was crazy. There's something going on with the Horel Olympics.

I wish we could bring it back. That was a good time. Are we not allowed to do Horelmpics anymore? We are not. Okay. Why? Do we just do it privately for us? Yeah.

Can we say we're going to air it and we don't? Anyways, how do you guys feel about the wiffle ball bat? I was playing with a wiffle ball bat the other day. So I mean, I guess it depends. Oh, wait. Why is it so long? It's long in the tooth. Isn't that different sizes of wiffle bat?

Because I was not the one we were playing with the other day. That is still round as fuck to be shoving in your vagina. What was he fucking just standing above her, like shoving it in like an oar? Like what the hell? hell dude that's a big thing i can understand like i don't know end of a water bottle but like a whole ass you can understand the water bottle i mean that small yes i meant like we're talking about wolfel bell bad like that's like this big like you're sometimes they get like this big around yeah that's not this big around there's some skinny one i think he was better off

leaving her as an ex i mean she was the town tramp so the size i guess didn't matter if she He's the town tramp. I thought that wasn't cheating if he did it with a wiffle ball bat. He wasn't cheating. Oh, no, this was back in the day. She was cheating. Yeah, she was cheating on him. And so he fucked her with a wiffle ball bat to get back at her.

And she let him. Mm. I don't know. We're not judging. No. Her. We're big props to him for being able to do it. I mean, yeah.

I'm still trying to figure out how she fitted in her hoot nanny. I worked at Hardee's in high school when I dropped out at 16. and was a heroin addict because the owner was my dealer and he also owned a strip club they would legit shoot up right next to the food some tweakers would scratch their face over the food no one but me wore gloves was just a fucking cesspool for junkies and so many older people ate there every morning like a morning ritual after about a week i quit because that was so overwhelming for me with oCD and it made my heartbreak for all the people that ate there a few months later, I went to the strip club he owned, and after about an hour, I realized there was no one

ever on the polls. It was a strip club, but it was just prostitutes that were full-blown tweakers, and one was his own daughter. Never talked to my dealer again, and after that, because what in the actual fuck is going on with that dude? What? That's crazy. You're just scratching your scabs over the food? Bro, I will fucking beat the living daylights out of somebody if I ever saw that happening. You know, this also makes me question the people who witnessed this happening and didn't do anything. That's what I was just about to say. This would make me beat the daylights out of somebody, especially if it was somebody who witnessed it and just let it happen. I feel like you're just as bad. Yeah. Like you're, you're condoning that kind of behavior

and witnessing these people consume this food. Those little old people don't know any better. Like, you know, like the little old men who always go down. What if they got like a fucking chunk of heroin or something in their food, you know? Or like, what if them, one of them has like a disease, a disease and STD or something, like in that bloodstream and the, oh, how sad. You could take that person out. Yeah, bro. Like, you guys, please, if you're listening to this and you ever have the urge to fuck

with somebody's food, don't. Don't do it. Like, I get that their people are assholes and I get that fucking, you know, you want to get back at them for making you feel less than. But honestly, you're stooping to their level when you do shit. stop them if you see it yeah stop people when you see it don't treat people like that even people who are fucking rude do you be nice to them smile at them they might need that fucking smile they're probably being mad and mean to you because they got their own shit going on yeah which doesn't

give them an excuse but still it's like you know fucking two wrongs don't make it right yeah all right all right and that's our ted talk on my bread yeah me me's still mad about the balmy bread so mad. Oh, God. I'm never eating out again. I love you guys. We're about to go on a two week run. I'm not. I got meal preps. She does. She's got an entire box of meal preps. I've got meal preps for everybody if you guys. All right, guys. We'll continue this next week. Love you. Bye. When starting a podcast, you're starting a business. Exciting, but honestly, kind of scary. Had all the doubts. What if it doesn't work? What if no one shows? up, but that's normal for any entrepreneur. That's why I love Shopify. It makes turning an idea

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