Dumb Blonde - Ask, Tell, Confess: He Stuck WHAT in the ATM?!

Episode Date: May 8, 2026

The Coven is back and this episode goes COMPLETELY off the rails. Hailee opens up about her 72-pound weight loss journey and how much it’s changed her confidence, daily life, and mindset. The girls also get real about filters, photo editing, and the pressure social media puts on everybody.They celebrate Bailee’s prom queen win and sweet relationship moments before diving into this week’s wild confessions… including a man asking for advice about his micro penis, a mortifying church accident, and two brothers who admit they SNORTED their dad’s ashes.Nothing could’ve prepared us for this one.Watch Full Episodes & More: YouTubeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Do you have the time to listen to me why? I know the song. I know the song. I don't know. Haley, let's talk about, wait, hold on, everybody, welcome to another ashtail can pan. Whoa. Haley, let's talk about your weight loss, baby. Yeah. Everybody in the comments is talking about your glow up and how good you look.

You got all the dudes in the comments like, Haley is hot. Yeah. Those are probably the same one saying, what a pig a few months ago. No. We're proud of you. You've lost how much weight?

72. Damn. That's a lot, baby. You start past me, so like you're... I plateaued though for like four months. I was like within the same for four months. So I'm finally over that. Yeah.

I feel like once I hit over that, that's when people kind of saw. Yeah. What's the biggest change that you've felt losing 72 pounds? I can just do everything easier. Yeah. Not having to edit my body in photos. Yeah.

To be able to just like upload something from my camera roll with my full body in it is something I never thought I would do. Yeah. Yeah. I never knew you edited your body. Oh, yeah. I mean, I do. I do and I get in trouble for it. People get mad at me for doing it.

I mean, I'll still, I'll still a little, you know, smooth on the face and stuff. But like my body, no. Yeah. I don't have to do that anymore. I love that. I love that. Yeah. I think everybody fucking edits their photos.

And if you don't edit your photo, you use fucking filters. So, I mean, I feel bad for women who all they do is use filters because I'm like, you just don't realize how fucking beautiful you are. I was one of those people. You were one of those people. You were one of those people. I still throw a filter on once in a while. Sometimes it's like a good filter.

Snapchat has. But it's more like a smoothing. It's not. so much like before I used to literally change my entire face. Dude, I look back like, you know how TikTok has the flashbacks? I look like a fucking chipmunk. How did I think that that looked good to fucking thousands of people where I just, my entire face was not even my face.

My lips were like shaking. Yeah. Yeah. My lips were a completely different structure. My cheeks were up here. Like, oh my gosh. I used to you baby Dixie on Instagram all the time. My eyebrows would be like this.

Same. I had that one too. I love that one. Yeah. No, I look back because I get the flashbacks all the time and I'm just like, golly, like what was I doing? Now I literally am on there like fucking just waking up out of bed. Don't even care.

Sometimes I feel like I have it off on TikTok and then I'll watch a video back. And it's like it's smoothing me with, I literally will turn everything off. The little glow on the side. I swear there's a small filter just built in a TikTok. I believe that TikTok has a small filter. I like this. Listen, I like the smoothing filter.

Don't care. I'll use it. I fucking love that thing. But I mean, I'll take it off if I need to, but I don't. Sometimes it can be too much. It's a smoothing filter. It's not like it changes your whole face. Exactly.

Before I had a whole new face on. Yeah. No, I literally, it was a mask. Yeah. I put on a mask. Yes. Every time I made a video and I thought it looked good. And people were like, you look great.

Like, no, I didn't. It was like an antique color too. Yeah. Like, what the hell? That's like us looking back on like 2016 with like the dog filter. Yes. It's just normal. Yeah.

Agreed. Hi, Jaime. Did you ever use filters? No. Okay. Yeah. How do we feel about guys using filters? Do they do that?

Fuck no. Yes. Really? You can tell? Yes. Oh, I can, if a guy uses a filter. It's fucking going to put, make their lips bigger, their eyebrows more hard. I feel like there's guys.

I see. No. I've seen guys on TikTok use the bold glamour filter. Shut the fuck. Are they, they're gay guys, obviously, right? No, they're straight. I mean. No way.

Maybe. Yeah. All right. Well, so each other, don't cancel me for that, but I would just figure like a gay guy you would expect like Jeffrey Starr to use a fucking filter.

Yeah, because it's glam. Like it's adding a little bit of makeup to you. No. I've seen guys full on use it. No makeup on, obviously. They're like, I've seen, I'm pretty sure it was a blue collar guy. What the hell?

He probably didn't know it was on. Hey, maybe they're just feeling themselves. It's on every video. Yeah, no. I feel like there's some days that just need that. Well, I think it's happening more now. I think it's called looks maxing. Is that what it's called?

Everything is maxing. I don't even know. I'm protein maxing right now. Yeah. Can we go back to six, seven. Yeah. Everything is maxing. I'm supplement maxing.

I'm we're fucking podcast maxing right now. Like who came up with that? It's so weird. I don't like that one. I'm usually down with like newer stuff. Don't like that one. No. No.

Dog maxing. You know like. Chotch maxing. Yeah. The chach maxing. Is your birthday coming up, honey? we're literally at prom the other day but he goes

it is like a very important month guys and Bailey's sitting there and she goes it's Chodh's birthday month and Bailey was like it's mine too they have a little rival because she's I love Chachi more than her but I don't but it's the funniest thing but yeah we got a little prom queen too I'm so proud of her I'm so proud of her

we were definitely holding our breath because we didn't know you know so we got the phone call and she i think i don't know it was just really cool you can tell that it like really boosted her spirits and her confidence like i i even think she was like whoa i can't believe i fucking one like she was like so freaked out about it she looks so pretty and green her and mad's look beautiful she look good and she look good now we got to get through graduation and we're done we're done what's the 18 graduation and 18 or 21st oh god huh also on her 21st birthday is going to be wild oh gosh I'm hoping by then she'll have calmed down

because she's already an old soul. The kid takes fucking naps. She came in the house the other day and her and Mads. I was like, what are you guys doing? And she's like, up, going to take my nap. And I was like, dude, I always tell them. I don't fucking take naps.

You're like old people, you know? And I make fun of them all the time. And I think the biggest controversy and I'll have Bailey on the podcast to talk about this, but was like her and her girlfriend. And it's like they've been together for almost a year. Yeah.

You know, and I've never seen our kid happier. So different. Yeah. People are like, somebody said to me, you guys call yourselves conservative Christians, which are daughters a lesbian. And I'm like, first of all, we've never said we're conservative. Secondly, I will never shame, and my husband will never shame our kid for who she loves. Yeah.

Love is fucking love. Yes. I love that he wore little rainbow shoes to. He did to show support. I know. I love that. Olivia did ask me the other day about like what is it for guys and guys and girls and girls and then I was editing prom pictures and I said this is Bailey's girlfriend she goes really got a

girlfriend I said yeah she goes is that who that girl was at dinner yeah she goes all right she's like I love that Olivia doesn't question it past that yeah I don't think you love is love you should never teach your kids to hate and that's taught it is it's very taught and that's all I'll say about it because it's not my situation to talk about, but I know Bailey's itching to come on the podcast. I'm just waiting until she turns 18, so I don't have to hear everybody's. She has an underage child on her podcast.

And when really that kid is freaking 35, 18 going on 35. 18, you guys don't even realize how, how, freaking, what an old soul Bailey is. But yeah, I'm hoping by the time she's 21, that she has gotten shit out of her system. I feel like she had that era a few years ago.

She'll have it again. She'll have it again. Yeah, we wild and out through our teens so that when our 20s are here, like, we just know, no, so the grindstone, like, just go, you know, like, it just, they was, that's how I was. I didn't go party in my 20s. I do more party now in my 30s than I did in my 20s. I partied in my teens, my 20s, and my 30s. I partied all the way up to 37 and then I completely stopped.

Yeah. And was like completely changed my life around. I didn't. I did. Yeah. Yeah. Also, look where I'm from. We had bonfires.

Pasture parties. Yeah. I went to a pasture party one time. And people I didn't want to party with. Got it. Yeah. I went through college without drinking. I was in a sorority and went to frat parties and didn't drink.

Why? I don't know. And I was like very proud of that, though. Like, I was like, now look at you. I don't know. Now look at you. No, we can't get you out of Good Night National. Yeah.

Yeah. You guys remember when we were driving around Murpysboro the other day and we were by MTSU? And I was like, I got to tell you guys something on Ask Tell Confess about that bar. Yeah. It was being torn down. I remembered what it was. Do you guys know some guys stuck his dick in the ATM in there and it went like national news? Okay.

It was on Jimmy Kimmel. Was it hard? That was two different questions. Left and right brain right there. Yeah. I don't know. the details of it. I just know that he was arrested for sticking his dick in the ATM. Give it a goog. We need details now. You can't, don't come to the table with a freaking story like that, not have the

freaking details. ATM dick. That's just a small little slit. How is it going in there? First of all, was it hard and was he fucking the machine? Like, why did this make news? It was like years. Do you remember this? No, but I know he has to be short because that thing's low. Like it's not. Did it get stuck? Is that why he made headlines? Maybe it took like the skin. Okay. You got circumcised by the freaking ATM machine. Ouch. Imagine being the next one to use it after.

Dude. How do you think I feel about opening doors? That's why I don't like touch them buttons. I don't like using my debit card. I don't touch cash. Like you cannot trust what is on anything. Everything's just coming up because someone tried to steal an ATM in Murphy's Bro the other day. Did you see that?

I saw that one. Someone strapped a truck to the ATM on the Chase Bank and try to drive away with it. And so that's all of the, yeah. Oh, right here, man attempted sex with ATM. Yep. When was this? So he was hard. 2014.

Damn. And a picnic table. Oh. At a local bar, according to the rest record. Yeah, the dude was horny. He wanted splinters and cash. Yeah. What the hell?

That's so funny. Yeah, he attempted. Oh, look at him. Hold on. I got his mug shot. I don't want to see him. No. Ronnie. Ronnie.

Lonnie. Oh, Lonnie. Charged with public intoxication. Oh, you think. After witnesses said he exposed himself and attempted to have sex with an ATM at the borough bar and grill in Murphy's Borough. Wait, was he like a college kid or like an old man? Oh, no, no. 49.

Oh. Oh, wait. I think I know like, no, I'm just joking. He said, uh, he might have been having a rough end of Jason. You know, it could have. I didn't know about the picnic table. though, like the splinters? What are we doing?

I need to know which entry in the ATM. Mr. Hudson entered the bar and walked into, walked to the ATM. Once at the ATM, he pulled down his pants, underwear and exposing his genitals, then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM. The suspect then walked around the bar wearing no pants while he hip thrusted in the air. This is very, very funny.

My kind of kind of. I just got so excited. I wish I was there. They escorted him outside. Once outside, he again exposed himself and engaged in sexual intercourse. with the wooden picnic table. What a scene to witness, though.

I mean, that dude was having a good time. That was just a good time gone too far. Yeah, good time gone too far. Yeah, yeah. All right. All right, who wants to kick this off? You guys, I got some good ones this week. I have some great ones too, and I didn't even ask.

Oh, I love it. My DMs are full with these. Go ahead. Okay, I got one. Yeah, yeah. If you guys want to submit and make it on the show, go to any one of our Instagrams every Sunday. and just submit

Ashtal Confess ATC before it starts And we'll answer Okay, so my dad passed away nine years ago and was cremated He was in a pretty well-known motorcycle club And would party with his adult kids Fast forward to two years ago My brother and I were out drinking and blowing lines

When we went back to his house We were drinking still And decided to mix a tiny bit Of our dad's ashes in a line And snored it No. We vowed never to tell anyone until now. You snorted your dad's ashes.

I think that's kind of cool. I like it. Salute. I mean, I see both sides. I do too. They wanted to be closer to their dad. I got some of Bill's ashes.

I should sprinkle some on my rice. His death date's coming up. Put some in your magnesium. Just put some of my magnesium. God, I'll fucking go to the hospital because I'll freak out. I mean, I can see. like being, I've been really fucked up to where I've done some fucked up shit before.

So I know that they were probably just on a sick one. And just, I have a feeling it was probably the brother's idea. I don't know. I think it's kind of, I think it's like, listen, when you get two fucking fucked up people together, shit happens. So. Somebody's asking our advice. They said that they've been seen a guy for about a month now and they're both

lawyers. Lawyers or voyeurs. Lawyers. Okay. They're lawyers. Big difference. And they work in two different legal fields at law firms over an hour away from each other. The last time I saw him, he did tell me he is considering bringing his clients to the law firm that I have been at for four years.

And he would become a partner at that same firm. So he would essentially then become one of my bosses. Should I end things before that happens? I don't want to be the associate who's sleeping with the boss. But in all fairness, I was sleeping with him before he became my boss. I'm very afraid to mix business with pleasure. That's a good one. Haley

Yeah I'm happy I think that if you end things with him before he gets there it's gonna make things awkward between you guys or you're gonna have like sexual tension all the time

and end up just banging in the fucking are you horny honey? No I'm not and they'll end up banging in the office but I also see her other point is like she doesn't you know but they were you guys were dating before I feel like it should just be

said to the firm like ahead of time before that transition happens. Send an email. Yeah, send an email. Per my last email. Are they not publicly dating? Is that what the problem is?

It doesn't seem like it's, I mean, it's only been a little bit. Maybe be public. Yeah. Yeah, but they might not hire them if they're dating. Some firms are like that. Like they won't let. You can't mix business and pleasure. Yeah.

That's a tough one. I don't really know how to answer that. I don't know, but I love sexual tension. I think if, listen, I always say follow you. your heart though. Like if you think this dude is the one and you guys like have a chance. I almost feel like it would be messier to end it too early. Yeah, I do too. Yeah. And I don't hear any other issues like if he was like cheating or but this seems to be the only issue is how you feel how you think you're going to feel when everyone else finds out. That doesn't seem like a. That is

true. You're kind of playing off of an emotion of what could happen versus what is happening. We call that future tripping. There you go. Your future tripping. So I mean, but. Future maxing. Future maxing. Yeah, I say if I can just go for it and just be honest with people. Do it in the June. Go from there. All right, guys. I've got some good ones this week.

I'm like Luteal. Yeah, that's. Yeah, why are you so horny? I don't know. You got your little shivermy timbers going on over there. Sexual attention. It's probably all the European. That's the lead up.

Okay, no. It's all the European rom-coms I watch. You watch all of like, you're the person that they specifically make short movies for. Yes. That are like these lead up. She bought the app to watch the end of it. Like you know the ads that go out?

Joseph Purcell. Yeah, you're like in your head about all that stuff. She loves the lead up. I mean, look at the porn she watches. 80s fucking vintage porn. But then doesn't like the climax of it. That's a storyline. She loves the storyline.

She loves the tease. That's what it is. Yeah, because she'll be talking to a guy. She's a romance novel reader. Yeah. That's the type of person she is. I think that's why it fails with guys too. Yeah, because I'm searching for that.

Friends charming. Never get that. They're not walking up to you like, hey, did you order this pizza? Listen, hold out for that guy who does finally fulfill that. I am. I want to live in Europe, so I think he's over there. He was going to leave us for Europe. I started a fuck buddy situation.

After getting out of a bad relationship, my friends with benefit was a dreamy 6-2. bartender I worked with at the time. He was hot. He had confidence and a swagger I couldn't deny. He bragged it how he loved going down on women and promised when I got to experience that, it would change my world. That with the fact that he had a big dick. I was genuinely giddy when the time came to experience this alleged mind-blowing experience. We're in my bed and he starts making his way down south. He's butt-ass naked, fully bricked up, and he starts his mess. He's magic. I'm laying there trying to get into it because it wasn't quite what I was expecting. And then it happened. He farted. One long, poof. And it just kept going like nothing happened. And he

just kept going like nothing happened. It smelled very bad. And I didn't know what to do. I pushed myself up and said, I didn't think I could get into this, into the right mood. And he said, we should chill out for a bit. He was offended and then told me that, Maybe. Just maybe I had a weird vagina. No, bro. Maybe you should make an effort to hold it in when you've talked such a big game. Was he in like sniper position or? I think he was crouching tiger.

Crouching tiger. Oh, yeah. That'll do it. That'll do it. It is wild. Distinction was wild. Stop. Dude.

Okay. First of all, ladies, if a man tells you he can eat pussy, he cannot. Nope. Any dude that brags about eating the cat and being a fucking a pro at it does not, can't even find the knob, all right? They're liars. I've, trust me. They don't know what they're fucking talking about.

Secondly, normally men who have big dicks and swagger and are super hot are just going to be a fucking letdown. Yeah. Not one of them is going to be a great story to write home about unless you just fuck him and leave and never talk to him again. Other than that, the majority of the time they are a disappointment. Speaking from experience. So, yeah. I had one time. Oh, I'm sad. Say it. Ready. I'm thirsty. One time. There was this guy. We used to call him Carlos Asada because he was. Happy Shingo de Mayo, everyone. Happy Shingya to my mom. So funny.

All right. So we called him Carlos Asada because he was so hot. I'm talking like, oh my God, this dude was just unbelievably hot and just perfect body, in shape, beautiful face. And one night I finally got to take him for a spin. And we went to his house and I had been drinking tequila and all that stuff. Anyways, I go down on him and he smells so bad. so fucking bad to the point where I didn't even want to have sex with him. I just ended up sucking him off.

I get in my car to go home and all I can smell is that smell of him. And I'm literally on the 215 with a fucking bag from Smiths, a grocery bag, projectile vomiting as I'm driving down the freeway because he smelled so bad. Nata on the Asada. Yes, not on the sauna, baby. I'm telling you. Oh. No.

No. It was so bad, dude. God. I never looked at them the same and never fucking never, didn't double dip. What did it? It didn't run it back. It was just putrid. It was so, I don't know.

You know how some guys come smells really bad? Yeah, it was real. It was that. She's having PTSD flashed. It was that. It was that. I can't do it. Guys, if you don't eat right and you're just eating fucking garbage every day, your ejaculation is going to smell so bad. Clean it up.

I'm kind of gagging a little bit. I'm a little nauseous. So anyways, honey, we're sorry that you experienced that. So, yeah. All right. Yep. How the fuck do I follow out of soda, soda? I told you guys.

I got some good ones this week. Geez, okay. I don't know if this was supposed to be a Nostal Confest. Oh, Oh, shit. But I feel like I should read it. Okay. And I Googled it to confirm.

Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. Is this the one? Okay. Go ahead. Hey. How do you know about it? She got the same one?

I got the same one. Oh, shit. I said, should I read this? All right. Hey. My name's Michael Phillips. I was recently in the news for having the world's smallest penis. You can Google it.

Do you have any advice on what I can do in the bedroom to make up for my small penis? Give it a goo. Michael Phillips, a 38-year-old from North Carolina, has garnered media attention for having a diagnosed micro penis measuring 0.38 inches when a wrecked. He wrote me too. Oh, yeah, he wrote me too. I didn't believe him. Yeah, we, I literally, she Googles it. She Googles it.

0.38 inches when erect. Damn. Okay, wait. That's, wait, point three. That's not even half an inch. So that's like this when erect. Is he into small penis humiliation? Because there's a fetish for that.

It's a belly button. I don't know. Right? That's a freaking toenail. The tick tack. Oof. What's the circumference on it? Is it like a little log or?

I didn't have. We're trying to work. There wasn't a video with it. Yeah, the fact that you didn't send a photo with it is very disappointing. Can we follow up? Can we get a photo? DM him back. I want to picture.

Yeah, hit him back and just say, hey, we're reading your thing on the pod, but we can, are you okay showing it? Like, I mean, we're not going to show it on the podcast, but in order to like help him and ask him if he's into small penis humiliation. Yeah, like what turns you on? Yeah. Does he want something like that? And I understand he's trying to like, I mean,

Is this a genuine question? Like, how many women has he been with? What can I do to make up for it? I mean, make up for it. There's toys. Yeah, there's toys, fingers, mouth. You could learn how to really, like, do that. Put in some work in learning the human body.

Like, learn her. I think that there's so much, I think the older you get to, and this is going to, like, age me. But it's like, there's so much more than just sex for a relationship. I can't agree more. If you're a good human and you make a woman feel amazing and you make her laugh and you are just a sweetheart of a man, there's going to be a woman out there who fucking has been looking for you her whole life and she's not going to care how big your dick is. I could not agree more. It is all about like literally how someone makes you feel. Yeah.

And I mean, there's penis extensions now that you can get. You can get a penis extension and use it in the bedroom or you can get one surgically put on. surgically. Yeah. They have penis extensions now that you can have surgically put on. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you can do that too. But it's not going to feel good for him.

Drew, you know, so he wants something that's going to feel good for him. Tachi's very uncomfortable with this conversation. He's about to leave. Come here. Come here, honey. What do I say?

Hey, we're on the podcast talking about your. It got that part. Yeah. And just be like, show me your. Are you willing to share so that we can go willing to share with the class? Yeah.

I mean, I mean, headlines, obviously. Who measured it is what I want to know. Do they have a picture online? Are you willing to share with us a photo? Because we're curious. Yes.

Because we're curious. What is his name again? Michael Phillips. Crazy name. Why? That's the swimmer's name. Oh, sorry, guys. Judge, never mind.

I was with you. It spelled the same way. Yeah, I thought it was the same thing. And Phillips. Look. They're spelled. the exact same way. My husband and I left a black tie concert, dressed like we had money and manners, and I'm feeling off. Like something is brewing. We're walking past a church, of course, because

timing is cruel, and suddenly my stomach starts doing backflips. I'm standing there in full glam, trying to decide if I'm about to throw up, pass away, or absolutely destroy the sidewalk. Spoiler, it was not throw up. There was no time, no dignity, no backup plan. I just looked at my husband who is already sensing danger and in one swift, catastrophic decision, I hiked my dress up and accepted my fate on that curb next to the house of God. This man watched frozen in pure horror as I unleashed something that can only be described as biblical. And it didn't stop. At one point, I realized I had created a situation so severe that I physically had to scoot forward to avoid making contact with my own consequences.

Dressed to the nines outside of church. My husband reconsidering everything. Anyway, if anyone asks, the concert was lovely. I forgot there was a concert. Which concert was it? Yeah. Was it cold play? Imagine shitting up to say cold play.

It sounds like it would happen before a cold play concert. Did she have the glizzies? That sucks. You shit on a church. Listen, at least he's still your husband. Yeah. That man loves you. Talking about making a girl feel good.

I'm sure he didn't make her feel weird afterwards. That man loves you. That's how I, if I shit in front of my husband, he would 100% be completely fine. He would never look at me different. I've seen my husband shit on the side of the road and wipe his ass with a t-shirt. No, I'd do it too. I mean, if I saw Brooke, if it happened to Brooke, I'd probably shit too, just to make her feel better. I feel like Brooke shits are like sparkly in people.

Yeah. You know, like, the troll that shit's like glitter? I feel like that's what Brooke is. Brooke doesn't even seem like she. Might be horrible. I don't think she poops. I don't think I've never seen it. I don't think she does. I know my fucking donkey trucks.

All right. Those motherfuckers be letting loose and I'm like, damn, I can't believe that came out of me. It's rough. Hey, can we open our presents real quick? So Jason gave us some presents and we don't know what's in here. This whole segment could be cut. Yeah. All right.

You ready? I'm not prepared for my husband's humor. Dude, he's stapled these, or taped them shut. It's Christmas bags for me and it's May. Yeah, you used my Christmas bags. It's fucking May. Do you want this back? No.

Okay, I was like, I can't get it open without ripping it. I got tape. Yeah. We're taped. I'm nervous. God, you guys are faster than me. What in the hell? Mine's great.

Mine is great. What does yours say? Wait. Oh, wait, all they're different. Jason. Mine says, eating beef, blast and quiffs. What is your saying?

This is lesbians eat what? And it's a bunch of cats. And it's got a bunch of cats on the thing. That is so funny. Mine says in my cream pie era. Oh, my God. That is fucking. fucking awesome.

Pound my cake, Daddy. I love that. Do we wear these next episode? We should. Yeah, let's wear up next episode. We're wearing these next episode. Totally down. Jason, where did you find these?

This is insane. Do you like this? Eating beef, blast and quiffs? He doesn't even know what's happening. All right, we love you guys. See you guys next week. Bye.