Dumb Blonde - Ask, Tell, Confess: Why Was the Cucumber Wet at Zaxby’s

Episode Date: May 15, 2026

Buckle up, babes. The Coven is back with another absolutely unhinged episode of Ask, Tell, Confess. From cucumber-and-condom mysteries at Zaxby’s to revenge marriages, OnlyFans love stories..., public hookup confessions, and a pool prank gone horribly wrong… this one spirals FAST.The Coven reacts to wild listener stories, chaotic relationship drama, embarrassing bedroom disasters, and the kind of no-filter conversations you can only get on ATC. Equal parts hilarious, shocking, and way too relatable.Watch Full Episodes & More: YouTubeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:01:35 Acorns Advisors, LLC, a SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash bunny. You all know I shop online way too much. And every website wants a login, a password, a code sent to your email by checkout. I'm already irritated, but then I see that little purple button from Shopify shop pay and suddenly life gets easier. No digging from my wallet, no trying to remember passwords, no extra drama, just tap once and done. Honestly, in the chaos of online shopping, that purple button is one of the best things ever.
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Starting point is 00:03:54 Do you remember Winnie the Pooh and there's the beaver? There's a beaver and when? Nope, don't, no. That's literally bunny. I love him. In Winnie the Pooh or? In Winnie the Pooh. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:04 There was a beaver. It is literally. bunny. Yeah. How's everybody doing? We're all wearing our shirts from Jason today. Yeah. You guys saw the last episode?
Starting point is 00:04:14 Yep. Yep. How are you guys doing? You guys got some confessions for us to read today? Yeah. Oh, you guys got some good ones. You've been starting off the past two episodes. I brought a video to the table.
Starting point is 00:04:26 Oh. Can you turn the TV on for me? Mm-hmm. Scared. Uh-oh. And my friend chat the other day. Friend chat? Dustin and Amy.
Starting point is 00:04:35 Okay. They went to, so they come over every week and mow our lawn. They have a lawn care service. And they left our house and we're like, we're going to go to lunch, right? I have to show you guys what they found. I made her send me a video. Eat the beef. Smale the quiff.
Starting point is 00:04:59 What is that? A cucumber with a condom over it. I don't have stuff inside. Someone was getting down in the Zaxby's. What was that used for? In the butt. You think in the butt? For sure.
Starting point is 00:05:18 It's curved. But they're at Zaxpies. Curved. That's a nice. That's a nice cucumber. That is a, it's, why is it curved? Look at it in comparison to Dustin's foot, though. That's the length of his foot.
Starting point is 00:05:29 That looks like a squash. Oh. Are we sure that's a cucumber? It would be a zucchini. Yeah, like a zucchini. The zucchini. I don't know, but it's girthy. Golly.
Starting point is 00:05:39 That had a hurt. I wonder where that thing's been. We could only ponder. Yeah, it looks all lubed up too. It's very wet. Yeah. What's on the inside? Why is it all white?
Starting point is 00:05:50 Condensation. She said there's something in it. Ew, dude. Do you think that the condom was used when they put it on the cucumber? Look at the tip. Listen, people have way too much fucking time on their hands, man. I don't know. I'm not a fan of Zaxby's enough to want to put something in my butt.
Starting point is 00:06:07 Somebody filmed some OF. Zaxis is great. Somebody probably filmed some OF. O-F content. You like Zaxby's that much? I mean, not to take a fucking cucumber up my ass. She's like, but I'll do some tricks
Starting point is 00:06:21 for some fucking chicken fingers. The fucking Nashville hot chicken fingers. I just saw their damn commercial the other day. Last night, actually. Actually, no, they took away their club sandwich, which I hope Zaxby hears this. And I've never been back since. Oh.
Starting point is 00:06:37 They pissed me off. It pissed me off when they got rid of the cake shake and try to come back with it and it was not the birthday cake shake you're a fucking liar pissed me off yeah i was pregnant with i think cash when that one came out and it had like a chocolate frosting on it damn it that was good i just i'll take a shake any day i'm freaking it does now i wish i'm gonna have a shake i feel like i'd throw up if i had a shake right now yeah what you got Haley, you've been fucking waiting to give us the tea. Lately, I've been way more intentional about what I'm wearing day to day.
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Starting point is 00:09:46 Then full-price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. Seamint mobile for details. It may not go along with this. Okay. In high school, in my FFA class, I overheard these two boys who were sitting beside me talking about whenever they get drunk, they stick pairs up each other's butts. What?
Starting point is 00:10:06 I interrupted their combo and asked if I heard what they said correctly and they said yes. They acted like it was normal and no big deal. I then asked, I'm not going to judge or anything, but like, are you all gay? And one of the boys said no and that he had a girlfriend. Another question I asked was, how do you not get caught doing that? And the boy that had a girlfriend, his response was, we just wait until my mom leaves the house. I was in shock and disgusted and they just kept saying, we are drunk when we do it. It's not a big deal.
Starting point is 00:10:33 I obviously had other thoughts and questions in my mind, but I was already too disturbed to really say anything else. So dude's having a hard time except in the fact that he might be by. If you're waiting until your mom leaves the house, you know you're doing something wrong. So that's a very soft fruit. Soft. It's fucking round and boldest, dude.
Starting point is 00:10:57 Whose asshole is that big? Which end? You gotta start on the small end. I hope they start on them. I don't know, man. Why a pair? Start with a car. Have you ever stuck something inside of you?
Starting point is 00:11:09 Why not a dick at this point? To go inside of you? Dick is probably a lot more comfortable than a fucking pair. They probably think that is gay. Yeah, that's crossing the line. That's crossing the line. Pear, not gay. Dick, gay.
Starting point is 00:11:23 Having your best friend shove a pair up your ass is not gay. But, hey, we only wait till our mom leaves. So, yeah. Well, that's crazy, too. Yeah. All right. Well, thanks. Thanks, Haley.
Starting point is 00:11:38 You're welcome. Oh, my turn. My turn, my turn. So around seven weeks ago, I saw a TikTok of a girl and her cat. I was instantly to say the least attracted to her. To cut a long story short, she's an only fan's girl. So I got myself an account and followed her. We've been talking daily ever since,
Starting point is 00:11:58 and we seem to have such a beautiful mutual connection. And I'm happy to see it flourish. she knows I have a partner and father to two stepdaughters and we have a 20 year age gap which we are both comfortable with. I absolutely adore to the bones of this girl and it scares the shit out of me. What do I do? He has a partner. He has a partner and two little girls who call him stepdad.
Starting point is 00:12:27 So what also? What do we need to help? She's being nice to you because you're paying her. Exactly. Yeah. It's like going to the strip club and being like, she loves me. For sure. Like sorry,
Starting point is 00:12:39 that's what it sounds like. If you guys are talking like off the app, off the only fans thing, I get what you're saying. No. But if there's any, if you're, even if you're talking off the app
Starting point is 00:12:47 and you're still giving her any sort of monetary compensation, that is the only reason she's talking to you. Take away the money and see. And listen, I'm not trying to be a hater because girl, get your bag. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:13:01 But at the same time, it's like, Let's call a spade a spade. I was one of those girls. I had so many sugar daddies that I took money from and literally had a man that was my man sleeping next to me. Yes. I would have my ex-boyfriends call my sugar daddies and pull licks with me, you know? Now, how often would they fall in love with you?
Starting point is 00:13:21 Sugar daddies? Yeah. It depended on how long. I had quite a few older rich men fall in love with me that wanted to marry me, but I just could never do that. but this girl for sure is taking him for a ride. And the 20 year age gap kind of concerns me because you have two stepdaughters. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:39 How old are they? Yeah. How old is the girl you're talking to? Yeah. How old is the girl you're talking to? Like, you know, the grass always seems greener, but I promise you it's not, dude. No. Like it's not worth it.
Starting point is 00:13:53 Yeah. And you're essentially, you are emotionally cheating, financially cheating, because if you made it only fans, you're for sure, you had to pay the subscription. description. You're already checked out. So the best thing you could do is tell your partner and either you guys separate or if she's on board with it and you guys have some sort of agreement, cool. Can continue on. But I genuinely think you need to tell your wife what's going on. Yeah. Yeah. I hate to break it to you. She don't love you. No. For sure. Take the money away and see how long she talks to you for. Exactly. And you probably had to pay her to slide into her DMs.
Starting point is 00:14:30 on OF. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. Okay. So this one says, I met a boy in middle school, fell madly in love. I came from a toxic family, and it was hell. So first chance I got, I moved in with my boyfriend and his family.
Starting point is 00:14:48 Well, everything was good at first, and before I knew it, after a few years, he was staying at his brothers and leaving me behind until I realized he had been cheating on me. So I sold and married his fucking dad. I damn damn fucking took a turn I mean and that was like
Starting point is 00:15:09 an abrupt turn I had two kids with him let's just say I'm now his stepmom this motherfucker won't ever forget my name or how he did me dirty so I did him dirty
Starting point is 00:15:24 since my husband has since past being 20 years older than me and now I remarried and I'm living the life I deserve with my two children that are now his little brothers. Ha ha, karma is a bitch. And hopefully it taught him a life lesson not to fuck over a mentally unstable person. I hope this finds it's way onto the podcast.
Starting point is 00:15:46 I like that you read LOL. Yeah. Now, I had to add that in there. Yeah. You know, listen, I don't want to hate the player or the game, but I think that was a little overkill. I do feel like she did it purely out of spite and didn't actually love the dad because now you're saying that you are living the life you're doing.
Starting point is 00:16:02 deserve. But Anne, you brought two kids into this world out of spite. Out of spite. Yeah. I don't know. I just feel like that's, that right there alone is like going to give you an autoimmune disorder.
Starting point is 00:16:14 You know, like if you have that much anger and unforgiveness in your heart, it's going to come out in other ways later on in life. And I'm not dogging you a girl at all. I get it. We've all done fucked up shit for revenge. But I mean, that was that was a very manic decision.
Starting point is 00:16:30 Yes. I was like you really. stuck to that. Yeah. And I get it, man. Getting cheated on is the worst fucking feeling ever. And you really, really want to fucking get those people back whenever they hurt you like that. But maybe slashes tires and not
Starting point is 00:16:44 those babies. Yeah. Those babies. You know, and do those, does he have a relationship with his little brothers now because of the whole situation? Yeah, because there could be a spite thing there. It's like he doesn't want a relationship. Or did that come between him and his dad? Yeah. And how was the relationship with him and his dad? Like, did you cause a rift
Starting point is 00:17:01 between a son and a father? It's just like, I don't know, there's just so many. Bay, she recognizes her issues. We love an accountable queen. For sure, we love, love, love, love, a queen that takes accountability. And I'm glad she's living her best life now. Yeah. I love that.
Starting point is 00:17:17 My partner and I bought a house in the country last year and have been battling a mouse problem. We finally felt like we got it under control. I was home from work one day and my dog was fixated on my partner's nightstand like he would, like he would track down critter. and other parts of the house. I open the top drawer and see nothing. Close it. Open the bottom drawer.
Starting point is 00:17:38 Well, that's where we keep all of our adult toys. When I open the bottom drawer, there is a nest of shredded paper and six pink baby mice in his penis pump. I was beyond baffled. I phasedimed him at work and the look of disbelief was incredible, but so valid.
Starting point is 00:17:58 We've been so tickled by this and wanted to tell someone because it's hilarious. So this is my throwaway account. I've been waiting all week to share this with y'all. Oh. In the penis pump as well. Did they take a picture? Because I want to see a picture.
Starting point is 00:18:12 They burrowed in. They burrowed in because it's like a little hamster cage. Oh my gosh. Yeah. You could never use that penis pump ever again. I hope they didn't use it again. And why does dude got a penis pump? Those things don't even really work.
Starting point is 00:18:30 My ex. My excee use one. I've told you guys, I walked in on him in the closet. Oh, in the closet. I remember that one. Yeah. And I mean, he already had a fucking hog on him. So it was like.
Starting point is 00:18:39 I love that you refer to it as a hawk. Yeah. Like, so I'm like, what are we doing? Like, it didn't do anything different. Yeah, it's trauma. It stretches the penis out and like hurts it more. I don't think it like. Trauma dick is wild.
Starting point is 00:18:54 Maybe they like it because it makes all the blood rush to it. Maybe it's a sensitivity thing. But yeah. No, that's hilarious. I hope you guys fucking bomb the fuck out of your house, though. I would freak out with that many mice next to my bed. Oh, God. Yeah, what'd you do with the mice?
Starting point is 00:19:09 I'd like to know where they were in the fucking toilet. Yep. Yep. Listen, I free ladybugs. I do all of that. But mice living in your house, you got to make an example. Take it out. Oh.
Starting point is 00:19:28 No, I get a cat. I live in the country. I got a cat for this exact reason. because we have little mice out in the chicken coops and in the barn, and I can't handle that, and I'm terrified of them getting to the house. So we, you guys all know the series of Barn Cat's car.
Starting point is 00:19:43 But that right there, what were they doing while you were sleeping? That's what I would like to know, were they running on your bed. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Flesh the whole house down the drain.
Starting point is 00:19:56 I can't fucking do it. They burn the whole motherfucker down, Puggy. I'm over it. What do we got one? Okay. This is from Sierra. Not mine, but my sister's story. And she's no longer with us, so I'm going to tell it.
Starting point is 00:20:11 This is only for you, because you like shit and buttholes. She said, my sister had a thing with this guy, hideous, in my opinion. I was 21 at the time. We were all drinking, and my sister's friend ends up walking me home. My sister had a migraine. She gets in her purse and takes what she thought is Tylenol. Oh, no. They were laxatives.
Starting point is 00:20:34 Her and dude end up doing the deed. I was not there for this. But as my sister told it, he was coming and said, wow, you're so wet. Then said, do you smell shit? My sister shit his whole bed and it was graphic. She ran to the bathroom and threw herself in the shower to wash the shit off. She came out to him nowhere to be seen with a Walmart bag on top her shoes with her shit filled pants and a sticky note that said,
Starting point is 00:21:03 please don't contact me again. The sticky note? You could have just left. I think she would have known. The sticky note's wild. How did you know where a sticky note was? She was in his house. Yeah, but word, he'd go.
Starting point is 00:21:19 Oh, that was, oh yeah, it was his house. Yeah. That's even crazy. That's even crazy. I got to go. He said, I got to go. He said, I need a sick. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:31 Literally. My thing is, is I don't care how fucking much diarrhea I have. I know when it's coming out. Yeah, you didn't know that that she was drinking. She was drinking and relaxative. That's, I still. She probably felt like she was just like finishing and it was from a different hole. Oh gosh.
Starting point is 00:21:57 You know how, not because that he fucked the shit into her. Because it went on her pussy. were they doing anal? Were they doing anal? I don't know. I have so many questions. I'm funny going. I mean, I'm really into the story. I got to know. I'm like, listen, guys, listen, we need full context. I need every last detail because my mind. wonders, you know? I wouldn't know if it's the Walmart bag with the smiling face on it. I want to know where he found a pin and a sticky note. Like in that amount of time.
Starting point is 00:22:46 So quick. Yeah, so quick. While she's in the shower, poor girl. And that's not, that's, listen, dude, that dude sucks. Yeah. Like, let's really talk about it. That dude fucking sucks. He should have been helping you out.
Starting point is 00:22:57 He should have. Let some wipes out or something. Yeah. Yeah. He should be like, dude, are you okay? Like, holy shit. I'm so sorry that this happened. And like, that man ain't shit.
Starting point is 00:23:05 Yeah, he ain't shit. I'm sure. You know what? He probably shit the bed one time after that. Maybe it was his shit. Yeah, it could have been his shit. Wasn't even the sisters. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:15 I've got so many questions. Wait, I can't choose between the two. I think I want to go with this one. My hubby and I are nymphos. Back in the hippie days. Like sex. I mean all the time. Okay.
Starting point is 00:23:28 Okay. So back in the hippie days, free love. We streaked naked, the neighborhood with sparklers. Back in the hippy days. So 70s? Yep. Okay. And that's when it began.
Starting point is 00:23:38 So their love for sex together was streaking naked with sparklers. We had sex in the woods at a family reunion on a bank near the river in a broad daylight. In a showroom buying a car that was a tricky one, but we did it. I sat on his lap while the salesperson was away. So they're voyers. They're not infos. They're voyers. What the hell is that?
Starting point is 00:23:58 No, what that means when you're on vacation. No. A voyer is people who like to have sex in public places. says and like the idea of getting caught. Oh, this is a new word. The more you know. I sat on his lap while the salesperson was away. He slipped it in the excitement.
Starting point is 00:24:17 The thrill that day in our backyard pool had a free love concert. It was always a journey and it happened often. I would always wear a dress with nothing underneath and he would always wear shorts or something that made it easy access to have sex happen in the strangest places. It was the best sex I ever had. It was a crazy ride and a love affair. We didn't care. love hippie days. Yes, I'm an old lady now and I still rock having a great sex life.
Starting point is 00:24:40 Oh, period. We love that for her. Go her. I love that. I wonder if her and the dude are still together. It doesn't sound like it. Oh. Yeah. She just loved that time. That's going to be me one day reminiscing about my fucking wild ho days. I'm telling you, man. Life creeps up on you fast, dude. Yeah, she's in her 60s now. Go you. Go you, mama. I mean, she's got her hormones right, too. We stand a HRT queen. For anonymity, for anonymity, keep me anonymous. What is that? Call me Jack.
Starting point is 00:25:18 Okay. I want to come out to my family as gay. What do I do? For context, I am a teenager. Oh. Sweet boy. Okay. I get it.
Starting point is 00:25:31 Well, Jack, this is kind of a personal question because, We don't know like the background of your family. I don't want to walk you into something that is going to completely devastate you or traumatize you. I would need to know more information on how to approach that. But I do think there's nothing better in this life than living authentically in the skin that you're in. Yep. So I think, you know, we would probably need to know more details. If you can circle back, that would be awesome.
Starting point is 00:26:02 And then we could guide you a little bit better, but just blindly going in. Yeah, because like testing the waters, we would. definitely need to know where the parents standpoint in this, like what kind of, you know, because you could test the waters with them and they could be already fully accepting of this. Right. Yeah. They probably already know. True.
Starting point is 00:26:18 Yeah. You think that parents don't know, but we know. We know when somebody is, you know, batten for the other team because you can just tell. Yeah. They might already know or they could be completely oblivious. But I do feel like you could probably pry a little bit without being too obvious. and get their standpoint just from that right there. I'm sure they are.
Starting point is 00:26:41 If he's asking for our advice, I'm assuming they're probably not easy to talk to because he probably would have already came out to them. But that's, again, me making assumptions. So I can't. Yeah, we need more context to that one would be great because we would love to help you in that journey because it is such a beautiful thing to live authentically yourself.
Starting point is 00:27:03 Yeah. So proud of you, Jack, though. Yeah. Hey, you came out to us. That's what matters. Yeah. We love that. You guys want to do one more?
Starting point is 00:27:14 I have one more. You have one more. Go ahead. I've got one more. Go ahead. I've been really thinking about a bag of chips, this whole freaking show. Oh, yeah? What are you thinking?
Starting point is 00:27:24 Sour cream, but I can't eat the whole thing. I just can have one. I have a couple. Okay. Here's a story I probably shouldn't be telling, but it's too funny not to. When I was 14, I had a best friend named Kay. We were inseparable. One day we were hanging out alone at my family's pool, just messing around with the jets.
Starting point is 00:27:45 And then the idea hit me. I thought, what if I sit directly on the jet? And not just sit, but like really commit to the bit. Naturally, I did it for the sole purpose of making her laugh. At first, it was funny, too funny. So I stayed there longer than I should have, which was my first mistake. The second I got off, I realized I had made a catastrophic, catastrophic. miscalculation. I had a clinch for my life. I'm talking immediate emergency situation. I bolted
Starting point is 00:28:14 out of the pool, yanked my bikini to the side and proceeded to absolutely destroy the side of my house. No warning, no mercy. Oh, she gave herself an enema. Damn. Oh, wait. Well, no, there's more. Kate's dying laughing. I'm half laughing, half fighting for my dignity. And here's the worst part. After we finally pulled ourselves together, we went back and did it again. I think all girls have a jet story. First of all, I wasn't rich. My pool didn't have jets. I had an above ground pool that had jets.
Starting point is 00:28:47 Okay. We weren't rich either. I didn't have jets. But no, I don't have a jet story. I do. That's unfortunate for you. Oh, do you got a jet story memes? I feel like waterish.
Starting point is 00:29:00 Okay. Do tell. What am I missing out on? Oh, no, I was younger. I'm not talking about that. Ah. I can't ever pull in. anything out of Mimi. She'll say, she'll say yes and she'll allude to something, but she'll never go into detail.
Starting point is 00:29:13 My mom watches this. My entire family watches this. Nice. Yeah. Hey, Susan. Hey, hey Susan. Um, so I think fucking her giving herself an enema is hilarious. She must have been barren down. She had to have really gotten in there. Like, she had to been on there. Is that what an anima does? Oh, yeah, it cleans you out. Yeah, I mean it. Yeah, you could put water up your butt, like mountain spring water up your ass and that's an enema too and it'll come out. Not just the saline isn't. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:43 Like an oil change. You could put coffee up your ass. I've seen people do coffee. Yeah, people put coffee up their ass and do coffee. What does that do? Cleans your whole fucking shit out. An oil change. Does it like give you the,
Starting point is 00:29:55 you wake up? I've done it. I can't remember. Did I do one? I think I did one and it made me like fucking cracked out. I would imagine it's like putting cocaine in you. Yeah. I never stuck anything up my ass.
Starting point is 00:30:06 Kaley did one. I mean You've never had an enema? But I meant like that, yeah. Well, you don't have a shitting problem. No, I don't. Until you're constipated and that's your last resort. I had anemma when I was giving birth to cash after I had cash.
Starting point is 00:30:22 Because, like, you know, like anesthesia and stuff, you get plugged up really bad and you're not supposed to push afterwards. Tragic. Oh, yeah. I love a little baby enema. Just sticking in there. I did one the other day and I pooped and it was in the shape of a J. And I came out.
Starting point is 00:30:38 You sent a picture, didn't you? Yeah. I know, I told my husband about it, though. He was really proud. The amount of poop pictures I've seen from you. From you is wild. There was one that I literally still can't believe that one. You know what I'm like.
Starting point is 00:30:50 The color. Is it the color? That one. That one, you saw that one. That one was wild. That was the craziest most perfect poop I've ever seen. It was healthy. I miss.
Starting point is 00:30:58 I haven't had one like that since. Really? That one was probably don't have to anymore. That cleared your entire system out of here a couple years. That gave you. That one was probably like, 20 years of just fucking shit that came out of me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:10 Yeah, that color was nice. Yeah. All right, guys, we are out of here. See you next week. Love you. Bye.

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