Dumb Blonde - Bert Kreischer Explains Why He Only Wants ONE Woman

Episode Date: January 4, 2026

This week, Bunnie Xo sits down with comedy powerhouse Bert Kreischer for a wildly unfiltered conversation that goes everywhere—and then some. Bert opens up about his recent health and weight-loss journey, including experimenting with Mounjaro, peptides, and GLP-based treatments, along with the very real (and very graphic) side effects no one warns you about.The two also dive deep into mental health, sharing candid experiences with OCD, anxiety, medication, and exposure therapy. Bert breaks down his long-standing rituals, flying anxieties, and the routines he’s stuck to for years, while both reflect on how vulnerability, social media, and public scrutiny impact their lives behind the scenes.Of course, it wouldn’t be a Bert episode without stories about marriage, intimacy, past relationships, marijuana, and the evolution of his comedy career—from early fame to what’s next, including a new Netflix special on the horizon. They also touch on family dynamics, reality TV hypotheticals, and Bert’s upcoming Netflix series, The Legend of Bert, premiering January 22.Equal parts hilarious, honest, and unexpectedly heartfelt—this episode pulls back the curtain on fame, fear, and figuring it out in real time.Bert Kreischer: WebsiteWatch Full Episodes & More: YouTubeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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slash bunny for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's QI-N-C-E.com slash B-U-N-N-N-I-E to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash bunny. is this thing on you guys i have the machine sitting on my couch and i have been trying to get him here for years he's finally on nashville he came to graceless with his presence mr burke-crisher i am so happy to be here dude i love that you're barefoot and that you're comfortable are you going to take your shirt off no by the way i'm oh wow he's like we're starting off heavy you know i got you know I got back up to 275.

Oh, did you? Yeah, I got back up to 275. And at 275, I filmed my whole, I think I filmed my whole TV show at 270. So, like, the TV show Free Bird that's on Netflix, it's coming out January 22nd. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was overweight. Like, I was the, I want to say I was the fattest I've ever been, but I was in top five fattest. Right.

My best friend, Tony Hernandez, was like, pulled me aside. He's like, I just want you to know, man. I did lucky when you were the skinny. you've ever been. I can't tell the difference. Oh, because your tummy is always just... Because I always look the same. But I just started the Mangarno. Have you started the Monjaro?

Yeah, Manjaro. Manjaro. And I'm down 20 pounds in two weeks. Wow. Does it affect your eating or anything? Oh, my joy? Yeah. Yeah. My sparkle's gone. Yeah. The razzled dazzle of life has disappeared. I sit there like a zombie all day. People go, you want a sushi? And I go, I could just have a glass of water. And then you drink the glass of water and your... you're full and you're full and you're like yeah you know what i had last night for dinner which was by the way and this is crazy the most enjoyable thing i've had in a very long time toast

toast with butter slaps though toast with butter toast with butter and it was it was heaven heavenly and i had one piece of toast and i went i feel great have you ever tried to take reda have you tried the redda redda true try redda too tried is the new glp3 which i'm going to start taking it tomorrow. Why? I'm fucking ready. Listen, I got an ass to lose, all right? I got the Brazilian ass that I need to lose.

But it's supposed to shred you, but without all the side effects of, like, Monjaro and trizepetite and all that stuff. The side effects are aggressive. I got into a huge blowout fight with Ila and Leanne. They got a three-way fight. They were in the car. That's a gang fight. And it's not fair.

Yeah. Because Ila's done none of the research, right? She's just a talking head for Leanne. Whatever Leanne says, she goes, you got to listen to Mom. She has all the answers, Dad. And I'm like, she does not have all the answers. Listen, I don't know. Leanne is pretty all-knowing.

I love. I'm a Leanne fan over here. You know that. Yeah, I know. But, you know, it's like I've spent so much time with the woman. It's like we're empty answers now. So like we spend all our time together. Yeah. And there are things that she thinks she knows about that she doesn't know about.

But only, and I got her to, like anything working out, she's got to train her for like four years, five years. Man, you think she took CrossFit 101. She's like, she says wild shit sometimes. And I'm just like, babe, I've known you for 21 years. You just learned about stretching four years ago. So yeah, but yeah, but they got my ass. What was the beef about, though?

About the side effects. So, you know, I have two doctors. I have a longevity doctor and a cardiologist. And my cardiologist said, he's one that prescribed it. He did a Texas scan and he goes, listen, man, your blood work's fine. And I'm not prescribing it for your blood work. I'm prescribing for your visceral fat. He's like, that's the dangerous fat.

And you're holding 90 pounds in your stomach. Wow. And he was like, it's crazy, but you've got to get rid of that 90 pounds. If we can get it to 40 pounds, that'll be incredible, which is still 40 pounds in your gut is a lot. No, it's a lot. Actually, I've been studying peptides because I'm like, I'm taking BCP and SS31 right now. So I'm like a real nerd about peptides. Me too.

And I don't know what they do. I can't, I do not know what a mitochondria is. But she does. There you go. What the fuck? I'm sitting here going, oh, my mitochondria is kicking ass. I have no idea what a fucking mitochondria does. My mitochondria is turned up.

No, that's how I feel. But they have one that, that, that literally does the vis. Wait, do we have the same longevity dog? How do we go from being party animals to having fucking longevity doctors in the first place? Like, Bert, help. And how unrelatable are we? Like, what is happening? This morning, I took my manjurno, my testosterone, SS31 before I went to bed.

Are you taking SS31? Oh my God, I love that. That is fucking amazing. Dude, that's- I'm an expert on keeping refrigerated medicine. I just bought a mini-fridge to put in my bedroom so I could keep all my peptides in them. I'm like a German scientist in the 80s just getting athletes from one place.

It is great. This is so bizarre. No, the whole peptide craze is insane, but there is one that is strictly for visceral fat, which is what I was going to tell you about. It's called Tessmoreland. I have some at the house. I can give you the vial of it.

If you want to do the research before you take it, I've done all the research, but it shrinks visceral fat, and that's specifically what it's for with zero side effects of the, like, the Mangaro's and the GLPs. That's what I'm looking for. Right now, I try,

with the trainer just to keep lifting weights because they say that it tears down muscle. I mean, I mean, I have a friend, everyone knows him, but he's, he did the GLP ones and I watched his muscle disappear because he wasn't lifting weights. And so I was like. And that's what Reda is good for too. Reda allows you to shred, but keep your muscle mass. Oh, I love it. Yeah.

We're going to, I'm going to turn you out, buddy. Yeah. All right. Landed one round, one, one shot of Manjaro. Oh, gosh. One shot one time. I think it was for it was for something else. It was blood work needed.

And she just got skinny and looked amazing and then kept it there. Leanne is tiny as hell. I know. She's just a tiny little package. So I couldn't imagine. I did tri-septit and I shit so much. My butthole hurt on a tour bus. Bert.

It's crazy those shits. You don't pick when they come. No. And you can't control it. Have you ever had to catch your shits in a bag? You mean hot bag it? Yes. Oh,

yeah. Trizepatite shits, though. Oh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let's be very clear. Close your eyes if you need to if you're not driving.

Yeah. Transepatite shits smell like the kind of shits that a guy that's stall next to you has to say something. Oh, so bad. What did you eat? Yeah.

It is there are why. Now, if it's your shit, it's enjoyable. In a hot bag situation, I cannot imagine that I wouldn't be dry heaving. No, and it's heavy. I would bring it out of the bathroom. and make them hold it because I was like, dude,

this is a pound. I lost seven pounds the first week I did try Zepatide. Yeah, it was me. Dude, a trisepatite. I've, I can justify. I've taken like,

I've taken crazy shits that, I took a shit in Japan one time and it was so bad. The guy in the stall next to me threw up. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. And I was,

I was like, no, it's a, it's a bidet, press a button. So you take shits like my husband. The trisepotide ones were like, it's like and they're logs and they and mine were coming out like crude oil oh the beginning of

the beverly hillbillies when he shoots of the goat and moves oh my god yeah no it's rough dude people don't talk about like that aspect and that side effect of the g lps and the g lp ones and three's and stuff like that like can i tell you can i tell you something i'm very proud of that you just said that and i and it's because we share a life like me and i and you know i think it's why me you jelly and Leanne have a closeness is which is it's crazy it's not it is it's earned it's not it's not like it's not like we met on a red carpet for whatever reason

we all connected for real but there's a thing you said when you go you know when you hotbag it and then there's and that's earned that's earned you don't no one half the people don't know what we're talking about no so on tour buses you're not allowed to shit so what you do is you take like a a, a grocery bag, like the kind you get at the store. I prefer the, yeah, I like those,

or I like the black, the big black bag, so you don't have to see it. Oh. Those are my favorite. Yeah. And then you put that over the toilet seat and you dip it into the toilet, and then you shit into that bag, and then you take it and you wrap it up,

and then you get rid of it. That's how you shit on tour buses. My daughter, Ila, called me. She was like, she was like, I mean, it was fucking hysterical. She calls and she goes, hey, how do I turn the water on in our house? And I was like, I don't know, I call your mom. I have no idea.

But I go, don't shit. She goes, too late. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, I didn't know the water wasn't wrong. And I took a log. What am I supposed to do? And I was like, get a bunch of water, flush it down, right? But then, but then there's a joke there that I'm going to leave for the stage.

But then, like, a couple days later, I said, has the water been turned on? And she goes, no, we can't figure out how to get it turned on. Don't worry, dad. I've been hotbagging it. A couple days later? A couple days later. She's got this log just float. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, I mean, if we're gonna share, I think she got a rubber glove and pulled it out and threw it into the neighbor's yard. But yeah, yeah, that's my kid. Add a girl, out of girl. Yeah. But she goes, yeah, they had a couple days

or a day that they didn't have the water on. And I said, how have you been taking? She goes, I've been a hot bagging it. That's a kid that grew up on tour buses. Yeah. And that's earned. Yeah. No, that's a life choice that you make.

That was one of the hardest things that we had to get used to on tour, especially sharing a bus because of my bus, I bring out my own bus with Jay, so it's all women. So we have our periods, we all shit, and then we have two bathrooms that we have to use between all of us. And it is insane. But when we're all on fucking tri-zepetide, who fully loaded.

Got fully loaded. Fully loaded, buddy. All right, I want to play a game with you, Bert. Please. Okay. He said, please. It's a rapid fire game. And I want you to tell me if this is a porn category or an energy drink flavor.

I think I'm going to be pretty good at this. Okay, okay. All right. What's your favorite kind of porn? Uh, so we talk about this all the time. Okay. And we're,

and we're, there's an open book. Oh, yeah, I know. Okay. She loves 80s bush porn. Oh.

I can see that. Jaime likes cat porn. Cat porn. Yeah. He's totally into cats. Very vanilla. Very vanilla over here. I'm,

what's cat porn? I like to watch cats lick each other and like, not, yeah, not in a creepy way. Okay. Yeah. first looking at me like please say you're kidding can we turn the air on here in here i'm laughing

so hard i'm fucking like sweating here kyle may be standing outside the door with coffee someone let him know okay okay because okay keep mo so my so i was always in a porn but and i and i didn't i i was in the generation that got to discover porn where porn showed up and we had dial up and you had to wait for it i'm the how old are you bert 53 okay i'm 45 so we're in the same era And so then also we got to discover the crazy genres of porn. I remember the first one I stepped out of the box and I was like, are you allowed to look at this in a hotel room by myself? Probably 2000 in 2000.

I remember I was on my computer and it said pregnant porn. And I went, whoa. If I clicked that, do I get in trouble? Meaning do I get registered? Right. So I'm at that. I'm at the frontier of porn. Right.

So I got to try it all. I worked with the dominatrix one time and she gave me these crazy tapes and I was like, whoa. Okay, hold on. You worked with the dominatrix? What were you working with her doing? She tortured me for like...

So you hired her? No, I did it for a TV show. For a TV show, okay. I've had some dominatrix on the podcast. Oh yeah, Mistress Isabella. I had Mistress Nina. And she got me totally naked. I mean, I was dating at the time.

Totally naked. Tortured my balls, cock, everything. Hot wax, electric. electric pod. Are you into that? No. Not at all. Not in the slightest.

So you don't like any pain? I'm not. No. I don't like pain. I love that Leanne and you are so cool, which we'll talk about this in a little bit, that she was just like, you know what? Go get your fucking balls played with by Adomatrix. Yeah.

$13,000 an episode. Exactly. So we, but at the end she said, so we had a safe word. The safe word was marshmallow. She did one thing to me at the very end. And I said, marshmallow. And she went, it shouldn't hurt. And I said, no, I think I'm actually getting turned.

on and I don't want to be turned on. And she went, oh, oh. And then she gave me a bunch of tapes. And she goes, at the end, she goes, what was it that turned you on? I think it was this thing. It was like, she put me in like, in like rubber, you know, or like the latex or whatever. And then she had a tube in there.

And there was lube in the tube. And she would move the lube over my body. And it just. Was your face completely covered too? Because I've seen that before. I think they were going to. And I couldn't get to. that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I was going to say, that's crazy. If that turned you on,

you are a freaky freak. No, no, no. It was just that it was, it was wrapped around my stomach. And then the lube was moving and my dick moved. And I, and I, and it turned me on. I went, hey, yo, Marshall. Because it was like, oh, two more times of this and we're done. Yeah. And so she gave me these tapes. And so I, that's when I explored. I was like, oh, wow, I'd never seen anything with BDSM or anything like that. Some of it I liked, some of it I didn't, I didn't, some of it I didn't understand. Then I understood that kinks are, you don't get to control your kinks. Your kinks show up, you get branded or imprinted at an age where you, that's the first

thing you see and for whatever reason that turns you on and you don't get to help it. It's why like dudes are into Quicksand porn. It's why some people are into like, like superhero porn. I just texted Leanne, because I have like a little bit of a superhero, like a superhero fantasy. I texted Leanne a TV show. We both grew up watching Elektra Woman and Dina Girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, I grew up watching that, and I was like, me too.

I mean, dudes were jacking off to Shira, freaking Katra. I jerked off to the buglews. Yeah. Yeah, the girl. Jim and the holograms. But the thing, so the thing, so then when I got to a grown age where I was dating Leanne, I had a disconnect from porn. The thing that turns me on in porn is, this is so weird.

But anything visually I would see from Leanne. that angle turns me on. Does that make sense? So kind of explain it for the listeners at home. So, and we're going to get a little elicit, but like say you're going down on a woman and the visual of you're seeing her breasts and her chin.

That visual, that point of view, that perspective is what I like to watch. So like, I don't, I can't. Most women, most women hate that because when we look down,

we have a double chin. when you guys are down there. Oh, I think it's, like anything, anything that we would do perspective-wise, I enjoy. Okay, so you like POV porn. Not even POV as much as just seeing what we would do. I can't watch something we wouldn't do. Okay. Because it pulls me out of it.

Okay, because it's like something you've never done before and it's not familiar. Yeah. And I'm at this point now where I, if, if, like, the, Lian's going to fucking kill me. So I told her, I was like, I was like, you. Yo, porn wasn't doing it for me. And I think it's because she's so authentically her and the things that she has turned me on. So I said, hey, I need close up pictures of your body parts. And I, for me.

Yeah. And she goes, no, you know, someone's going to get your phone. And so someone in our office showed us how to have a hidden folder. So I have a hidden folder. And they're just pictures. You can't see the Anne's face, but they're pictures of her body parts. And now it's our inside joke. I text every morning I text our emoji for sex as a feather.

So silly. How did that come about? I got to hear this story. So. And first of all, that is so sweet that you have just an album of Leanne. I love the way that you love her. My husband and I just, I do a check-in video every week because I'm working really hard with this trainer.

And he just told me the other day, he's like, I love these weekly check-in videos. He said, I literally jerked off to one in Australia. And I was like, that's so hot. Send me a video of you doing it next time. I think that's so hot when husbands, like, just really love their wives, you know? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's crazy. I didn't think I was going to be attracted to someone like Leanne.

Like, I always thought it would be blonde hair, tan, big tits. And then when I got naked with her for the first time, I'd never experienced that feeling where I, I've said this board. I don't know if it makes total sense, but I go, I felt like she was sharing a secret with me. Like I felt like she didn't get naked with a lot of people. Right. That energy I liked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But so, so. The feather. So we, by the way, oh, I really wish Leanne was here. I know, me too. So Leanne, we call her? We could call her. No, she's in her workout class. So we, we went to one night, I was working out with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the morning.

And this is right when we started. to get we have two versions of sex we have meat potatoes which is our whole you know life we have meeting then having kids and meat potatoes and then for then it's everything after after uh saddle ranch saddle ranch is the moment things changed one night of saddle ranch we watched two kids walking to the bathroom to go have sex she was like what do think they're doing and i was like they're having sex she's like what i was like yeah they're going to have sex or you got to do coke and have sex who knows i was like we used to be young and that broke that woman and we drove home from Saddle Ranch she pulled the car into the carport

looked at me we did not speak the whole ride looked at me and goes I ain't old yet and got naked in my car and fucked me in my car and I from that so there's everything after Saddle Ranch okay go Leanne but there's still hints of old Ian right so like like like old Ian would be like hey we should try something different you want me to tie you up and she go no and then it was over and you're like okay yeah so like so we go to We go to Santa Monica, so I'm working out with Arnold in the next morning. Really excited. The movie's coming out.

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hey they have a feather and she was like yeah and I go you want me to rub you with a feather and she went no and the way she said it shut me down and I went okay and then she saw that it hurt me and I think she saw that that wasn't the right direction for us with the girls leaving and all that and just me and her and then she was like she was like hey didn't mean like that and but she saw that I was hurt and she kind of like rebounded and I was like listen I don't even want to have sex I just want to go to bed let's get I get early morning let's she's okay no and so then that night this is the sweetest shit I've ever heard the feather changed everything and now it's uh I I have a feeling I'm wearing a feather hat right now as I say this I am you are fuck I wish I picked

a different hat it was meant to be it was meant to be it was meant to be so so now we text feathers to each other and that's our are like emoji is a feather and then so it lasts yesterday i texted her feather and then she goes she called immediately and then she goes i'm driving but don't you have that hidden album and i was like yeah she's like well enjoy your hidden album i love leon she's amazing if leanne had to write a yelp review of you guys a sex life what would she say Is Burt's speechless? This mom and pop's, this mom and pop restaurant has gotten so much better with AIDS. I love that.

That is amazing. It's not for everybody. I love that you guys are empty nesters though. And you can tell that you guys are so much closer and having so much fun because like I see you guys like running around Paris and just you're naked all the time and like clothes are strung around hotel rooms. Like I think that's so inspiring because how long have you guys been together? Georgia's 21. We had Georgia. Georgia was technically at our wedding. So we've been together 21 years, but we were together two years before that. So probably 23 years. I mean, and to keep the love alive, especially in a Hollywood relationship is crazy. And the closeness that, like, she's your best friend. I can tell by the way that you talk about her. I'm always blown away by that though. Yeah. Like I always go like, so I used to have this thing where I, if whatever relationship I was, I was never happy in relationships. And I figured that was just what life was.

But that you'd always want the bigger house, the bigger yard, the bigger, nicer car, and the better and the hotter wife and the hotter girlfriend and the sexier girlfriend. And that was what college was like for me. I never was happy with where I was. I used to have a saying I always wanted to be in the other car. Like I'd get in the car with my girlfriend. And whatever car I saw with another girl, I go, I wish I was in that car. And the other day, we're driving to Naples.

Listen, I'm not, I'm not shit on my wife. I'm just telling you like it is. We're driving in Naples. She's 56, 55, 56, I don't know, she is. Like 55, 56. We're in a convertible. She's got her arms, she's got a little dangle meat right here. Her chin's like this, and she looks like, she's got a scowl.

She looks like a frog, and she's like, and she's got sunspots. And for whatever reason, I'm just sitting there going, this is the car I want to be in. And I was like, I can't, I say that to her all the time. I go, can you believe? that I still love you? Like, it's crazy. You're not supposed to love someone this long. Like, people get divorced and get new wives.

I've seen it so many times. Yeah, we did too. But I'm like, for whatever reason, this fucking jalopy that I married, I fucking love. It's so crazy. She makes you feel safe. You guys feel safe. And I don't care what anybody says,

that other car gets old. The minute you get in that other car, guess what? That girl gets older. That car gets older. Like, you found your safe space. And that is so important, I think,

in relationships where people don't realize, like if you can laugh together, grow old together, fucking beat each other's like just sounding boards. Like even when you guys have arguments, the way you guys resolve things, the, what did you guys call it? The pulpit or the summit. The summit, you know, like all of that. Like those are examples of what. And I find it crazy that you and Lee, well, you, Leanne, definitely. But you guys are great examples of what like a long lasting relationship should look like. It's healthy. I think we have definitely have a healthy relationship. We have a very, you know, You know, the thing I keep saying is like, you know, I don't know if I'd have the interest in investing this much time with someone.

Yeah. Again. Like if I, if something happened to our relationship, and I can't imagine it ever happening. But if something happened, I would never want, I don't care to invest this. We have so many good inside jokes. Yeah. It's like, all I have to do to this woman is go, oh, and she knows. It says, that says 12 stories.

Yeah. You know, if, if you, like, if I'm in a bad mood, she can go, pooh, poo pants. And immediately, I'm like, God damn it. So, like, there's so much nuance to the, the beauty of a long relationship is you have so many great inside jokes. And she's better than anything. I mean, look, you know, you get your franchise playing years in every sport as a parent or as a person. I have my high school years

I have my college years I have my young comedy years I have my single comedy years I have my dating years in Hollywood I had my dating years of Leanne I had married to Leanne I had dad and now I have Empty Nest Dad Out of all those years

I'd say my best years Are happening right now Right now are my best years Her best years Without a doubt It's and it gets her sad When I bring it up She was the best mom

Better mom than and you've ever seen. This woman took it so serious to be a mom that she's created this crazy great relationship with our girls and me that she fostered. She didn't have it growing up. She made it. She didn't, she was, you know,

she's fucking still running Girl Scout troop meetings because when Georgia and Ila started Girl Scouts, there were girls in kindergarten wanting to be in and she didn't want to leave those girls. There's girls, my girls were in college. Lynn's still a Girl Scout troop leader Because she had a commitment to these kids Then when they were in kindergarten

So like she's the best She's a she's pretty awesome I like her She's the best can we talk about your dating life In Hollywood before Leanne What was that like? It was a mess It was so stupid

What was explain to me What era of birth that was That was So So just so we put everything on the table So we know where we're standing I've only had sex with six chicks, okay? So I'm not,

it's because the first time I had sex it went so poorly that I was like not doing that with anyone else unless I really trust them. What happened? Because I have the worst first time too. But I mean, we see where it landed me.

So. I think it's... I want the complete opposite of you, Bert. I think when you have bad ones the first time and it's good for you. Yeah, right? I think it creates, it creates texture. What happened?

Can we talk about it? Yeah, it was just, I mean, it's just, it's comedy, really. It's like, it's like American pie almost. How old were you? 17 years old. I had thought about this. We were late bloomer's.

I didn't have, I didn't lose my virginity until 16. Yeah? Yeah. So, yes, I wanted it. 14, I was ready. Yeah. I thought I was ready. 15, I'm like, okay, any minute now.

At 16, I'm like, maybe I'm gay. I was like, this, why isn't this happening? What is happening? At 17, I was like, all right, I met a girl and I knew she had had sex. So I was like, all right, this is a possibility. We started dating. She was like the hottest girl at our school or at the girl's school. I went to an old boy's Catholic high school.

And then that night we went to her friend's dad's crash pad. Like her dad had like a bachelor pad. I don't know. And double date. And then we watched Pet Cemetery. That'll get you in the mood. Yeah, right. Get the motor run.

And we went back to the room and I was, I went in, got her naked. went to put the condom on. And as I put the condom on, I'd never done it. So I unrolled it all the way and was like, whoa, that's what neighborhood did we buy this in? That's bigger than I thought it would be. I've never seen one. I never put a, you don't put condoms on if you're not going to use one. And back in the day, they didn't teach us that in school. No. At an old boy Catholic high school, do you know what they showed us freshman year? A third trimester abortion. On TV, we sat through and watched the whole abortion. Where was this? Jesuit high school. In Cali?

In Tampa. Wow. We watched a third trimester, everybody. That is when the baby is fully formed. I know. That's crazy. I can't even believe they did that. Oh, my God.

I can't believe it happened either. To be dead honest with you. Yeah. I texted Ty Rodriguez one time. I was like, did we watch an abortionist kids? And he was like, yep. But so I go to put the condom on and I just go, oh, you must slide it on, right? Is that?

Because I, you remember in Revenge of the Nerds when they were all the way enrapped? and they went like this. Yeah. I figured that's how you do it. Yeah. And then it filled with air. And I'm like, that can't be good because there's air trapped in there. So I'm trying to squeeze the air out.

Now I'm making balloon animals down there. And then I'm like, all right, all right. This condom's done. All right. So I get another condom. I put that on. That one, I remember putting the condom on felt good. I get on top of her.

And it's one. And on the withdrawal, I just, I'm like, uh. Was she a virgin to? Or she was, okay. She looked at me and said, are you going to put it in? My dick was between her butt cheek in the bed. I didn't even fuck a person. Bert, I want to hug you right now.

You poor baby. I am 17 years old. And I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, now listen, I can go into wild, great detail of how the next 30 minutes transcended. but suffice to say I didn't have another condom we still had sex it was a fucking nightmare

I mean I could tell you things that you would not believe I mean it was so bad top to bottom I I'm not but I'll tell you this and if you need to bleep bleep bleep it for just for

God forbid any reason at the end when I got done. I, when I, I figured she had out an orgasm, I figured maybe, I, you finally got it in though? Yeah, but it's like going, it's like going, hey, you want to go for a hike? And someone's like, yeah, let's jump in the river, get our socks wet first. And you're like, oh, this will be a fun hike. Oh, no. I'm like, in my head, I'm like, I don't think this is how you're supposed to use condom. Am I getting her pregnant? And then I get done, I pull it out, and it's still there. The condom's still there. It's not on me. It's in there. And I'm like,

and I'm pulling, pulling, tug of war, tug of war. Snap hits my hand, hits off the thing and hits on a fucking mirror. I swear to God. And I'm sitting there going, I walked into the bathroom from that bedroom. I looked in the mirror. I was like, who the fuck are you? I would literally have like a kind of like, that's not how it's supposed to be done, big guy. We thought we'd be better

at this. You poor baby. And then I had my first anxiety attacks after that. I started getting anxiety attacks. I was like, I have AIDS. I have, I got her pregnant. I'm not ready to be a parent. I'm never doing this again. And like... So you think that that situation

cost so much like PTSD for you that it literally sent you into panic attack spirals. Oh yeah and I was like I'm never having, I'm not gonna have sex again unless I'm dating them and I'm willing to have a kid with them in my head. And so I waited another probably two years to have sex and then had sex freshman year or college

and then dated that chick for like five years. Because you just felt you were so scared to even try to go anywhere else. I was like she likes what I do. I was like, you know, it's almost like if you're bad at karaoke. Yeah. and you're not the one going,

hey, let's go to karaoke bars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'll go to them, but you're like, I'd rather not sing. And then you'll get up on stage when you're drunk, you know, when you're comfortable.

And then, and then... I had to pop my own cherry the first time I had sex. I never understood what a cherry was. I've never been with a virgin. Okay. So,

the closest I've ever been as I ran in a car that had 14 miles. So, and so when the woman, when you have sex with a woman that's a virgin for the first time, she has this piece of skin called a hymen. When the penis goes in,

it rips the skin, we bleed, and that's how you know that you're with a virgin or whatever. So, yeah, my first time, the guy who I was with, and this is in my book, had a micro penis. I'm talking like half of my pinky. Like, it was very tiny. And listen, and I'm not shaming anybody with a micropenus, you know, we'll never yuck anybody's yum. Some people are into those.

But, you know, the first time you have sex, you kind of need depth to pop the hymen. And he just couldn't do it. So I threw him down on a lawn chair and straddled him and popped my own. Jerry and that is how my sex capades and life started wow yeah yeah I I I never got I don't think I ever got comfortable having sex with someone until the end like where I was like actually I've said this a lot I've said this to her recently I'm I mean it's this sounds really creepy to hear from a guy who's been married to her for 21 years but I say I've said it a lot lately thank you so much for letting me be who I am in bed because I never I never ever spoke during

sex I never tried anything if anything adventurous I never tried it because I was just like I was like I don't want to hear no I don't want to fuck up I just want to keep it on the rails and now she has allowed me in in the twilight of our marriage meaning like after not when we were first started dating yeah not when we were young and we could have taken pictures and it would have been great Like now she's allowed me to be who I am and I was never I would I have no interest in starting that journey with anyone else I love that I just hearing that you've only been with six women in your entire life is mind blowing to me and I think that'll be mind blowing to other people too because you're freaking Bert Kreischer you're the machine you're Dan Wilder was literally you inspired that movie which is crazy to me because I grew up watching that movie and that was one of my favorite movies and then when I found out that it was inspired by you I was like this is freaking full circle like it's so crazy but you and my husband are a lot of like in so many ways and I think it's yeah oh no you guys are like he's the same way um with

jason cut this out but he's the same way sexually too like you know he's and now that he's lost all his weight he's like starting to explore and i'm just like use me use me and abuse me baby but he told me that you invited him to go do something uh with some crossfit people yeah i don't know if we're allowed to talk about that but there's these twin crossfit women that live here and uh i think i'll out by here and they have a gym and they invited us to work out on I was like, yo, let me hit jelly see if he wants to go. Yeah. And he was like, not with this face.

My poor baby shaved his beard. And so the internet has it all wrong. He hasn't seen his face in 20 years. So he doesn't know what he looked like under there. And he's like, baby, after I do this photo shoot, the men's health cover, he's like, I'm going to shave my beard. And I want to see what it looks like. And I'm like, okay, okay.

And so we go in the bathroom and he just starts, you know, shaving. And he looked so hot with a fucking cop stash. Oh, my God. It was like his mullet and the cop stash. I was like, ooh. And then he shaves, and the goatee was hot too. And then he shaves it off and it fucking changed everything. I was like, it's not terrible because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

But then we walk out and the kid starts crying. Bailey starts crying and is just like, oh my God, dad, don't ever do that. Have you, when was the last time you shaved your face? So the last time I shaved it was like right when my life changed. So like I always say there's like, you know I look at things and I do this dramatically like Leanne it'll roll her eyes there was a phrase where I said there's two there's two parts of my life there's life before I knew about black widow spiders and life after I knew about black widow spiders right so our house was infested with

black widow spiders oh god and my OCD was insane and then I and then we got past it no one got bit and I went okay but I say this with my career there's life before I posted the machine story and life after and that one day that I post the machine that week was a crazy fucking week for me in that and it's all represented by credence clear order revival that's the music defines that one week yeah but it 2016 December 27th that week I posted the machine story I was doing New Year's Eve at what uh at Oxnard no one showed up they were paying me 25 grand and they lost their ass on it I knew that was going to come back for my next year. So I was like, I'm fucked financially next year.

I'd gotten fired from Travel Channel. My special didn't perform. Leanne was redoing our house. And she wanted to get me to get a vasectomy all in this one week. And Tom was fat-shaming me. And we were doing Rogan to weigh in. And the loser was getting his beard shaved off. Oh.

That's a lot of stress. I was so much stress. And I... Why did Leanne have to throw in the vasectomy on top of all of that? It was a must. I was like, I remember we got the dumbest fight. I was like, does stuff still come out? She goes, does it matter?

I go, yeah, I'm not paying for procedure. So every time I have an organism, it looks like my dick has a dry heaves. It's like dust. Yep. Just like the fairy dust, like glitter sprinkles. Yeah. And so she,

and so then we went and we weighed in with Joe three times. Tom won the first one. Or no, two times. Tom won the second one. And then he got to shave my beer. Now, you can find this online. It is, Tom and I have like three, we have like probably ten times

we've laughed the hardest together. This is, in my memory, number two. This is the second hardest we've ever laughed together is Tom shaved my beard and he got to see what I look like first. I didn't get to see it. And his eyes were like, it's not good. And I started laughing so hard.

You can see that if, you watch this video. I think Rogan shot it on his phone, but it is two guys who absolutely love each other having a moment of just pure comedy. Can we bring this up? Yeah, I don't know if you can find it. We have a TV radio that we can look at it out. I have to see what you look like without a beard. But what's, you know, it gets worse. I don't even find the video because it's not worth it's okay. I get the beard shape. Tom leaves me with a pin, a thin mustache. I get out of the car and I was in the front yard she had to be 10 years old and she goes you look like a pervert oh no and I said how do you know what a pervert looks like she goes I'm staring at one right now

and it was it was but what's crazy about it so then I shave the mustache I shave I shave I shave clean and then I look in the mirror and it's bizarre I mean there's got to be a therapy term for this I have not seen that kid since college. I haven't seen him since early, like freshman year of college. When I started growing to go tea, I was 21. I haven't seen that kid in, at the time, it must have been, you know, 25 years. And I looked at him and I had a conversation with him. And I was like, dude, what have you been doing? And he was like, and he was like, I've been watching you. And I was like, it was so, I got emotional because I was like, I was like, dude, we're, it was almost like

time traveling. I was like, hey man, we're doing really good. Like, we just like it's rough right now but things are going to turn around and then the machine story went viral and I was like I was like I think things are looking I was I had a time travel conversation with myself it's a crazy thing that not anyone gets to do but these men that have had beards for 25 years right get to look back into the looking glass and see what they looked like yeah and talk to themselves it was wild I got high I was high as far were you on mushrooms no we had just done Rogan. Okay. And I was very high and I was drunk and I went in and I shaved clean and I looked at myself and I had this bizarre because I kissed myself in the mirror sometimes. Yeah. Like when I feel

bad, I'll lean in and I'll kiss myself. It's like an affirmation. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. And so, but it was crazy and I thought when I saw his face, I was like, I wonder what, I wonder who he saw. Yeah. Like who was that last. I bet I don't, I was like, I don't think he's ever been, it's been wild since he'd been that skinny too. Who, Jay? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, it's been crazy.

He's so tiny now. Like, it's crazy. He hasn't been this skinny ever in his entire life. His wiener has grown. Like, it's, I'm like, where did that come from? Like, it hurts now. I'm like, what is happening, dude? That's so, I'm so, you know, I was saying to someone, they're like, you know,

said something. I casually will say, I just say jelly. Yeah. I'm never going to, I have friends that I know that they're real. names, but I never say the thing. I'd say the thing that I met when I met them, right? Yeah. Cassius said jelly and someone goes, oh, have you seen his weight loss? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, no, have you, no, have you been tracking it? And I went, yeah. Yeah. And they're like, no. Oh, I was on an airplane. I was on an airplane. I was on an airplane. And I was saying,

the guy was talking about Diplo having a 5K. And I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I ran a 5K with a, uh, I run a 5K with my buddies, Tom and Jelly. And they were like, he was like, oh, do jelly roll? And I went, yeah. He goes, have you seen his weight loss? And I was like, Yeah, yeah, of course. And he was like, no, no, no, have you, you, have you seen a picture, though? And they started pulling a pictures. And in my head, I was like, I was like, yeah, I've been there. It's intimate to me.

Because I remember that moment. I've got to share this with a bunch of people, but the four of us cross that finish line. You inspired him a lot. You said, I think you might have changed his life. And Jelly's like, I think this changed my life. I mean, it's the accomplishment of doing a 5K when you're at that size. Listen, I did the 5K with you guys and can barely keep up. Travis Barker's just running laps around us.

We didn't even know we ran it. He ran it and he got up, ran it and then left. Yeah, no fucking problem. We're like, we see him pass us twice and we're still on the same freaking loop. It was a lot, dude. It was a lot. But that day, that really was like you have been such a good role model for Jay and such an inspiration for him because even just inviting him to that 5K just lit a fire under his ass.

And he's like Forrest. That boy has not stopped running. He literally woke up this morning and went running. you know like he's just it was it's a beautiful moment and I I can't wait till he can actually tell the whole story of like how it's inspired him and stuff like that I am you had a huge role in that well I have I mean are you know he said seven phones since I've first known him you have to get a hold of me that's why yeah I gave up everybody like literally John Bon Jovi just text me the other day he's like hey can you tell Jay this but he's got Jay's number but it's like you

know like people always have to text me because then the message will get to him he I don't even keep up with all of his phones either. What inspired you to start these 5Ks? Oh, I wish I had a noble answer. Because like it's become like a huge thing. The one that we ended up going to, there was a ton of people there. Now it's like people really look forward to it. I think we had 9,000 in Tampa. Yeah. Which is crazy. I mean, that's like a, for people to go run, that's pretty wild. In all honesty, we were doing a podcast, me and Tom, and I had gone to shows and I had done these meet and greets and I was like my fans are like me I was like we need to get in shape and I thought very selfishly if I don't get them in shape I'm not going to have a fan base in 10

years I was like I was like I gotta get them in shape because I kills still want to do stand-off I love your logic he's like I don't need to get into shape but I need to get my fans into shape I need them more than they need me right they go I love you burn I go I love you way more than you love me I can't operate without you yeah I get nothing without you you are the most important thing to me so I said to Tom we need to get fans in shape on the podcast and he was like yeah and Tom had just run his first 5K with his buddy at cancer and he said he'd do it for his buddy and Tom blew up about it now I'd been doing 5Ks marathons half marathons triathlons Spartan race tough I did the first tough mutter they held I did that like I've always been into that culture and I've and

you're an athletic big guy I don't even think you're like big you just have your little tummy That's it. I'm shockingly athletic. Yeah. I'm surprisingly athletic. So is my husband. I call him an agile big guy. Yeah.

Yeah. And so I, and I've always done it because the party afterwards, a blast. The party after, the best race you can run is half marathon. It really tests you. It really pushes you. And the party after is awesome. Yeah. And a marathon, never do another one again.

Unless Jelly does one, I'll do one with him. Yeah, he's going to do one. You should do one. I think he wants to do, what is it, a 10 or 20? He wants to do one where I have to go meet him at the stops or something like that. I don't, listen, let him get it out of a system. He wants to do it. He wants to skydive too.

I'm not doing that. Will you skydive with him? No. Okay, me either. I've skydive twice. It's not worth it. Really? Hang on.

He, it will give him something that it wouldn't give you. Right. It will give you something he could never get. And you would get. And edit whatever you want out of this, but me and you have very similar. brains. And I know that because of any time jellies hit his dab rig. We have very similar brains. Yeah. We have a little bit of an OCD to us. Oh, I have a lot. I know you do. I know you do. And I and I do as well. What is your OCD stem from? Same. I don't know. For a very long time,

I could not, the first time I ever smoked marijuana, not first time, but like the fifth time I had the weird worst panic attack I've ever had my entire life. Oh God. I did that with a gravity bong hit one time. And and from that point. in high school and until I'm almost embarrassed saying this until I was probably 37 maybe 40 I couldn't if you smoked weed around me I would feel it like I would I could feel it in my throat I'm the same way and I and I could not be around it and it was doing Rogan's podcast where I was like, I can't not be in a room where people smoke weed. This is crazy.

Yeah. And so I started smoking, like almost microdose smoking weed just so that I could be around it in these podcasts. I love doing the podcast. Yeah. And everyone in L.A. was smoking weed at the time. Yeah. And.

That's a good idea, though, because they say that for OCD exposure therapy is the best way to get yourself over that thing that you are OCD about. Yeah. But the thing you, the reason you, you don't want to skydive is the same reason I didn't want to skydive. And it is why if you skydive, it is the craziest conversation you get to hear in your head. It is, there is a moment of pure, I feel like I'd croak up there.

There's pure clarity. Pure clarity. When you jump out and you're screaming at the earth and you realize the dice have been rolled, there's no fixedness. Oh, fuck. I'm croaking right there. There's no pill I can take to retrofit this death. I either am going to die or live.

And how do I accept that moment? I don't want to be in that position. It's a crazy realization. And dare I say worth it to do it once? Don't do it twice. I did it twice. And the second time I was like, I've already been here.

Why are we doing this again? This is stupid. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Yeah. This guy doesn't know my boundaries. I have an extreme fear of heights. So there's like I cannot. I have a.

I'm telling you when I say you should do it you should do it only because I want to think thinking about it it's the plane ride up is horrific and it's one of those rickety ass planes

right? And no one cares even though like everyone's got parachutes on so they're like hey hey hey and then when they opened the door I did it first time I did it was with Rachel Ray and when they opened the door and they and the crew

crazy thing is they'll put your hands on your, you know, you're, because they don't want you grabbing things. Yeah. And you put your hands on and then they are, we're going to get out to the edge. And you are outside of the plane. You are outside of the plane. And he is in and he's holding on, but you are. You're out. It's already started for you. And there's no turning back. They don't let you not jump. No, they don't let you. Oh, God. No, buddy. They don't let you not jump. The dude's already strapped into you. He's going. He's not going to land the plane with you. No, God, my buttholes puckered right now. Wait, do you know who Mel Robbins is?

Yes. She is awesome. Yeah. And she wrote a book called Let Them and there's control things in it. And it's one of those control things that I had. Yeah. It was great. And I did it the second time and I take her to leave it the second time.

I was like, I already had the experience. It wasn't. For people like me and you, the first time is the one. Right. Just the initial jumping off the, you know, Jump off, have you jumped off a, like a 10 meter high dive? No, I, no, not a 10 meter. I'm trying to think, because I was on a diving team when I was younger, but I don't think

it was that high. That's the platform that high, high, high. No, not that high. That's terrifying. Yeah, I couldn't even imagine the fucking, with my luck and the shape of my ass, if I even turn the wrong way, I am fucking belly flopping or back flopping. There's no in between, okay? I'm going one way or the other.

There's no straight line for me, buddy. Not happening. All right, so we never, we never did this game. Oh, yeah, porn, porn, porn, God. I told you, I'm the worst in interviews because I derail so easily. No, you're fine. I love it. It's a beautiful conversation.

But this is, is it a porn category or an energy drink flavor? All right, ready? And it's rapid fire, so you just have to say porn energy drink. Cream pie crush. That's porn. Hard line. That's flavor. Titty sprinkles.

That's porn. Wetworks. Porn. Milfuel. Porn. Red dragon. That's energy. Wrong.

Bangbus. I was born. You did really good. I'm familiar with those guys. I really thought the hard line was going to catch you. No. I thought the hard line was going to get you. He's like, nope, that's an energy drink.

I'm going to ask you a couple more questions, just some fun questions that we can get some answers to. What is the dumbest thing that you've ever done naked that you're willing to admit today? so much I've done so much naked I know that's why I thought it was a great question because literally what haven't you done naked is pretty much what you know they've all panned out for me yeah like I took a shit on a pizza box to win an election in college and uh and it worked out you know I won the election A and then B it got written up in Rolling Stone and became like kind of like folklore so like I think you know I've I got turned on a naked pretty young at like I wasn't comfortable what my body looked like. And then when I was a freshman in college, there was this dude. I won't say his name because I've said it a bunch and he's a huge hedge fund guy in Miami. Oh, fuck. And he apparently grew up.

Does he want to be associated with you or no? He was in my fraternity. I don't know. He was older than me, but he would get naked all the time. And he didn't have a big dick. And I was like, that's crazy that he gets naked and he doesn't have a big dick. And someone goes, that's not a big dick? And I went, no.

And he's like, oh, I figured because he pulls it out, it's a big dick. And then I realized no guy is a big dick. I think Leanne told us that you were swiped up. I'm okay. Yeah. But, but, but, and so I just was like, oh, that's a power move. It's like with guys, not with girls. It's like dominating.

But with guys is like drop trow and then everyone. Like Greek times. Yeah. Yeah. And so I had, I was one of those guys. I'm in the group of guys that getting naked didn't, never bothered me. Right. And now I almost have a problem with it.

Like I get, like Kyle woke me up the other day with his mom in our tour bus. And it's a true story. And he goes, he was at his childhood home and he wanted me to wake up to see it. We were on the bus. And I heard him go, he's awake. He's naked, but he's awake. So like I sleep naked. The dumbest thing I've ever done naked probably was a slip inside.

I cut, I sliced my ass. Whole? No, no. The tailbone, bad. Oh my God. Oh, I fell off the bed one time having sex with Leanne and landed on a row. razor and I cut my ass open pretty aggressively. What the hell was a razor doing on the ground?

Got it. Let's just say they call me the barber of Seville. That is hilarious. What comedian would you least want to see naked? I've seen Tom naked. Who smells worse on tour? You or Tom? Oh, it's going to be me.

Oh, yeah. He's like, I'm taking that out. Tom's a very fancy boy. Oh. Tom is, Tom, there's two versions of Tom. There's hot sauce in his backpack, back pocket Tom. And then there's like, oh my God, I have money, Tom. Yeah.

Like he was the funnest person to watch Get Rich because he was poor for so long. And then one day he was like, dude, you know I could have two chargers for an iPhone? I don't have to plug it in the wall and then walk over there to charge my house. Like he was like, he was the funniest person to watch Get Rich because then he'd be like, yo, I can buy stuff I don't need. But he is like Cologne, shower, fresh clothes laid out. Is he like Metro? He tucks his shirt in now. What the hell?

I know. He is a, he's very, a very, very, very clean guy. Wow. I would have never guessed that. I am not. I love what my body smells. Yeah. I love a good stink on me.

You're like a brute. You're like a real just, you're just a boy's boy. You have to be into men if you have sex with me. Yeah. Like, Leanne likes men. Like, she doesn't like, like, boys. Right. Like, when we first started dating, I was, I was, I was, I was shaving, like, my, my face.

She was like, hey, you're a man. Let it grow a little bit. And so then I started lining it. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. You're a man. Let it grow. So my beard today, and I was trimming my hair on my chest, she was like, no, be a man. Like, Leanne likes a man.

I love that Leanne, like, keeps you in check. She doesn't let you, like, you know, do anything crazy. Like, she always has your best interest. One time, one time we were at a party and there was Coke and I said, yo, there's Coke. She goes, okay. And I was like, I'm just giving you a heads up. She's like, you can do it if you want. And I was like, wait, for real.

She was like, yeah, I'm not your mom. And I was like, okay. She goes, but listen, if you do it, you can't come home tonight. And I was like, don't worry. Don't worry. Why won't she let you home when you're on below? We had the girls. She's like,

I don't want you doing drugs around our girls. Yeah, yeah, got you. I didn't do coke. I didn't know if like you were like crazy. No, no, I haven't done coke. I haven't done coke in,

God, since I lived in New York, I think. I mean, you can't do Coke nowadays. No. This had to have been years ago because Coke nowadays

is you're just literally playing Russian roulette with your life. That's how I feel. Yeah. That's what I tell my girls. But yeah, and I've been offered it a couple times. Yeah.

Yeah. By some famous people. And I really, there's a two that I regret that I go, I should have done coke with them. But then I'm glad I didn't because I'm here. I don't like it. Coke makes me like rock back and forth.

Like I'd have to be like super shit-faced and on zanny bars to be able to do cocaine. I've done a lot of it, but I never really liked it. I enjoyed it very much. But I did not. The next day was really tough for me. Mentally? Crazy. Oh.

I mean, I don't know that I, you know, I don't think I could ever do it again. just knowing what the next day was. Right. And then I don't think I could enjoy it knowing this is coming up. Do you battle like mental health issues? Yeah. I mean, I think,

I don't know. I don't know. I also am like really tough on myself. So like I figure I don't know. I figure someone's got it worse than me. I feel the same way whenever I talk about things too. But that you can't minimize how you feel based on other people's things that they have going on too because, you know,

there's levels of course to everything. But I think it helps. when we talk about our mental health because it makes people who are going through it not feel like we do, if that makes sense. I think it does when you. Like maybe it does when I... I know people have reached out to me,

but I know also that like, you know how the internet weaponizes anything you say vulnerable against you. And you're like, oh, like God damn and I fucking, I look back and I go, I should never have shared anything. Do you know how many new cycles I've been in for fucking open in my mouth, dude?

And it's like, I'm just being honest. I'm just telling you I deal with this. And it's like, you know, it's like, I know certain things about, I know certain things about certain celebrities that they, where they don't share it because they don't want it out there. And I'm like, that's a fucking smart move. The older, the longer that we're in this business, I do understand why people keep things close to their chest.

Oh, my God. It's crazy. They'll demonize you for anything. And it stinks, but. My husband's getting flack for saying that he wanted to go home when he was in Australia and that he was in a mentally bad place. I read the comments yesterday on a post and people are like, oh poor you you're getting paid to sing or like you know like and it's just crazy because it's

like a man's being very honest with his mental health struggles and you know it's like i don't know the right way to say this but it's like we can bleep it no no no but it's like it's frustrating to me because you know um it's it's there's this wild insensitivity that happens it's almost you know it's like I don't say people enjoy watching people die but there is this sense when someone dies

that a little bit of the room goes oh thank God that's not me you know like almost like you know like I've been to a lot of funerals back when they had them I haven't been to one in a while no one does them anymore and they don't they don't even do celebrations alive people just die and people just go let's not bring

it up. It's like, well, most people like that suicide. But anyway, so, but like, there's this wild insensitivity that's happening. And I'm, I'm certain I'm a part of it. I'm certain I've done it. Because I've, I've been with people that have said it's gross because it happens to them. And then they do it. And within a matter of seconds after that, they'll do it about someone else. And I'm trying to get to the base of, like, what is the thing that's eating me up like and and and I try to overshare because if you overshare a little bit you might get beaten up and attack for it and whatever but maybe if it helps a couple people yeah you know I think just a dude like you who's so boisterous who's so like um just high on

life I think when people hear like hey I battle OCD like that I never knew you had OCD oh my OCDs my I mean, it is, I don't know what other people is. It really, we used to call it Big Brain versus Little Brain. It was like Big Brain was the fucking bad guy. And Little Brain was the sweetest guy. He's who I am. I'm Little Brain, really. And Little Brain would be like, hey man.

I remember, I remember there was a period in, I was in Italy doing Travel Channel. This is when I named them. And I was with my whole group, my Travel Channel team. and I had a black spot on the back of my leg. It was just a mole. It's just a mole. I'll freak out. And I...

You have health anxiety too. Wow. I mean... Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I feel it. Trust me.

I get it. Every day I'm in chat, GPT. Try to diagnose myself. I had a... I was zining a bunch and I had like a lump right there. and I was like, that's it, I'm dead, I'm gone, I'm gone. And this is the way Little Brain and Big Brain works. So I feel it, right?

And then I, Little Brain's like, no, don't worry. It's nothing. It's nothing. Hey, it's nothing. It's nothing. Hey, it's nothing. But yeah, but you smoke cigars. That's Big Brain. Use to smoke cigars.

Remember smoking cigars? And Little Brain's like, but we haven't had one in a while. And he's like, oh, we were smoking them every night for a beer there. And then you're like, shut the fuck up, Big Brain. And then you go to sleep. And Big Brain is like sound asleep. and little brain wakes up first. And he's like, hey, don't wake him up.

Oh. Let's get through today. Fine. Don't look in the mirror. Don't look in the mirror. And then all of a sudden you're in the bathroom, you're brushing into teeth and you hear a big brain wake up and go, have we checked that cancer in our mouth yet? You're like, shut the fuck up.

That is the best way to explain OCD. Yeah. That is a phenomenal way. It sucks. And I didn't know that I had it. I didn't know that I had panicking. I didn't know how anxiety at all. I just didn't.

And then I didn't know I had OCD until I married Leanne and I would, I got embarrassed of certain rituals I had. Like I know my sharing them now, but like these are crazy. Like I would put booby traps all around the house right when we went to bed. Skateboards on every door handle. To see if one of them moved while you were sleeping. I do that when I'm in hotel rooms. Oh, yeah. And then before I fly, my flying was my worst is I had to, I had to shower a certain way.

So I had to cover my whole body in soap. And then I had to get down in like a squat, like a full squat and say a prayer. And then I had to visualize the plane taking off in each direction, northeast, south and west six times, flying three times to the next one, landing six times in each direction. And then I had to do it one more time. And then I had to circle my side. It was so crazy. Wow. And Leanne would watch me.

And she was like, what are you doing? and I couldn't talk during it. So I had to sit silent and do this, all covered in soap, and then clear it off I go, it's what I do before I fly. And if you don't know it and you're sitting in the shower with a man and you watch him do this, you're like, that's fucking crazy. And then I'm getting on the plane. I wore the same outfit flying for like 15 years.

I wore the same outfit. Like it was jeans, fry boots, a T, T, T, The same t-shirt from Lucky, a Lucky hoodie and a leather jacket, even in the summer. I wore the same outfit flying everywhere I went. I understand that. I won't wear shorts, really in public places because I don't want my legs to touch things or on planes. If I'm on planes, I have to have my arms cover. I have to always have a flannel over me or a hoodie or something because I cannot touch anything inside airplanes.

It freaks me out. Yeah, so I completely understand that. So with these meds, these meds do incite physical illness. So like Manjaro does make you ill. Like yesterday, I couldn't tell if it was me making myself ill or if it was the medicine making myself ill. And so I'm sitting in this. And I have a weird, I've always had a weird thing about my throat closing.

Me too. I've always, and it's like, and I threw up violently in LAX. I don't think it was Minjaro. I think it was, I don't know what it was. was. It's probably the Manjaro. That stuff's rough. We need to get you on Reda. I really want you to, I'm going to send you some stuff in our group chat because I really think you'll do good with Reda. Shredded sounds really good. Shredded and no side effects. And I'm going to get you the test moreland. But yeah, but that's like anything with any med, any med, the first time I take it, I'm like, I just invited something into my system. Right. Oh, I have to do a countdown. So anytime I like, I just started these new peptides. And anytime I take a medication, anytime I do an injection, anything new. Anything new. that I'm not used to, I have an hour or two hour countdown of my safe window where I'll be completely panicking and we'll freak out until two hours passes. And then I'm like, okay,

I'm okay. Because I'm so scared of like anaphylactic or like. When we did something's burning me, me and jelly, and he wanted to hit his dad breaking in the house. And you're like, well, then I'll walk out. At that moment, I don't know if there's video of it. I felt like I'm talking to a sibling. Like I was like, when I saw you do that and you did it at the 5K too, you're like, just don't be upwind. I went, I've never heard. That's almost like, it's almost like saying like, um, uh, you meet someone who does

the same like weird thing you do. And you know, and you keep your secret. You don't tell anyone yours. And then you see them do it. You're like, shut up. And then you're like, I can trust you. Like it must be like gay kids feel like at camp. Yeah.

When they go, when they go, oh, I saw dicks. Oh, you're one of us. Yeah. Yeah. No, I, I'm blown away because I never knew. And it's hell to live with. But when you learn how to do the exposure therapy, I still can't do it with his dab rigs because I've been locked in a freaking 18 passenger van with him when he was doing dabs. I think I'm scarred for life with that. But like a lot of other things, like I've gotten a lot better with. And touring actually helped me with that because it pulled me out of my comfort zone. And I had to be

in like crusty freaking like amphitheaters and like, you know, like stuff that wasn't clean or wasn't You know, OCDs so many things. It's so crazy because I don't get it on stage at all. The safest place I am is on stage. Because your mind isn't thinking about it. Not thinking about it at all. If you can occupy your mind, that's what quiets the OCD noise. So like when I'm doing podcasts, I used to freak out and have panic attacks while I was doing

podcast. And now that I've gotten so much comfortable with it, it's because your brain isn't zeroing in on what your body is feeling and like trying to trick you. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. It's fun. I'm so glad we're talking about it because I hope this. someone, I hope there's a fucking 15 year old girl or boy listening to this going like,

shit, that's what I got. Yeah, just don't listen to the first part of the podcast. Yeah, don't listen to the first part. But no, but I think it's so, I think it is healthy. And then, you know, and look, and people will weaponize it against me. And they're going to clip this out and Bert Chrysler crashes out and, and he's mentally broken. And, you know, whatever they're going to say, you're like, okay, but I guess I hope it helps

somebody. No, it will help somebody. And I hate that you have to have that fear of being able to express what's really going on with you, trying to help somebody because of how people want to clickbait headlines. I think that's insane. I heard the craziest thing that I understood, that I

totally understood. Eddie Murphy changed his laugh because he didn't like the way people were referencing his laugh. That was his original. Yeah. And he didn't like that it could be weaponized against him or that it would be played out or that

he was predictable. So he I mean, it's crazy. He changed laugh and and that's like a trademark there was a moment that I had a very recognizable laugh and I noticed that my laugh started to change but it's I think it changed because my voice got deeper from drinking or or throwing up or whatever you know acid reflux honestly but my voice has gotten a lot deeper since I've been in this business but my laugh like it's still a high pitch squeal but it's not as high I can't go that high anymore but I was like god dang it can you imagine if you let the world take your joy away.

Yeah, that's, but that's, I mean, that's the business we're in is like, and Eddie Murphy's been into the longest. Expose yourself all you can. People are going to love you, but there are people that will just simply hate you and you've got to let the hate come your way and just don't let it take your laugh. Like Eddie Murphy's old laugh was so fucking good. Don't let it take your laugh. Do you guys even remember it?

Yeah, yeah, I do. And now it's like this. Yeah, oh, I never knew that about that. But that was such a really, like, gorgeous way of saying it was don't let it take your laugh. The second it takes your sparkle, right? The second, the, and I say internet, but it's people too. It's, it's, look, man, go online and watch Cairns. Those people walk, they're like, they're the walking dead.

And they're waiting for a kid to fish in their backyard retention pond. And like, you can't fish here. And they're like, who is he fucking hurting? But those people walk around with the same anger and vitriol that happens on the internet. and it's cool. Listen, I've never left a negative comment, but that's not to say I never said something negative. Right.

I've said negative shit. I've said wild negative shit. I will clap back at somebody, but even when I clap back at them, I try not to match their negativity. Yeah. I've never replied in the comments. I know I'm put it online,

but in podcasts, I've said negative shit. Yeah. In private, I've said negative shit. On stage. That's everybody. Yeah, it's everyone. And so don't isolate and go, oh, these comment people are horrible people.

No, we do it, I do it, I just sometimes do it publicly. I just do it like on a podcast. And it comes back to bite me in the ass. As we were sitting here, I was thinking about the girl I've lost my opportunity to. And I was like, I bet I'm going to have to deal with this later. And so, but like. Do people like that from your past resurface all the time if you talk about them? Yeah.

Oh my gosh. Oh, yeah. It's like they're 15 minutes of fame, right? Oh, no, no. it's my fault I never change anyone's names I keep the names always the same I tried to do that in my book they wouldn't let me I had everybody on blast and they were like no I change names I was I'm bad about that and and you know but I think the thing I was saying was I was like uh I remember when when the comments really did affect me it's like I think it was right when we bought our new house and I

and I was very self-conscious because we all of a sudden we had this big house You know, and I was like, and I lived in this 1100 square foot house on 7,000 square feet. And it was very modest, but it was beautiful. It was fun. And I was always showing my life. And I never had anything to hide. It was great. I loved it, but it was modest.

People would come to my house and go, wow, this is small. Yeah. And I go, well, yeah, and they're like, no, I mean, I thought it was going to be bigger online. And then when I got to my new house, it was, you know, an acre, 50, 600 square foot house. And I was like, I was very embarrassed to show it. And I was very cognizant not to show it. And when I did post a video, someone was like, he's changed. And it was, and that is the first time I ever saw.

And I'm sure they were there before. But that was the first time I ever saw negative comments. And they were affecting me. And I was unable to enjoy my new house. because I felt embarrassed for it and I and I remember going I remember I had a social media team who like at the time they were trying to take down anything that's anyone that said anything negative about me and I and I had a moment of clarity where I was like actually Tommy called me and he was like and he was like this bad video about me and he was like I mean I watched it and I was like how bad is it he was like it's not that bad I was like what do you mean he goes I mean it's not that bad and he goes and he goes you've changed man you're you're making a ton of money he's like that's accurate like yeah and he's like but he goes but you're so burnt and he's like and let that change happen man who gives a fuck and people want you to stay the same and that my my husband deals with that a lot more than

I do because I'm you know it's we're in two different fields and they don't know rapper role you know they just know country music artist role and you know his rapper fans are always like oh you've changed and Jay's like thank God thank God I've changed like we don't want to still be who we were 20 years ago. Oh, yeah. It's almost like the internet hates to see people achieve. They love, they love the climb up. Right.

The second they see you stand on top of the mountain. Yes. And hey, all I'll say is I try to identify, because I have the same instinctual feelings. I love my band on the way up. but the second they get to the top and I maybe maybe they smell their own stink a little bit

there's something that changes and you got as an artist you got to be comfortable with it because you got to recognize that this is a natural human behavior right you know what do they go after Pedro Pascal yeah right and it's like what does that guy done to anybody maybe he touched someone's face or something

who knows but like but like they go after everyone everyone gets it who's the one that's getting it now that's like everyone's favorite person and all of a sudden they're like yeah, fuck that guy. Ariana Grande is getting it right now. I mean, like, what does she do? She doesn't do anything to anybody.

Katie Perry, she gets it. The Katie Perry thing threw me through the fucking roof. It's crazy, right? It's the soundtrack to my daughter's childhood. And she's a sweet woman. I've met her. I've been in her energy. She's not a bad, like, she doesn't have bad energy.

I've met celebrities who have terrible energy. I'll never say who they are. But Katie, just the sweetest little thing. I hated what they were doing to her. Living her life. It's still now to this day. like she can't do anything she's dating like the canadian governor now or something or the ex-governor and like they just trudeau yeah she's with justin trudeau like they will not leave her

alone like she just can't do anything right it's not you know it's i don't know it's not fair but i guess nothing's not fair you die right you know look i mean like there's someone going there's someone here in that go yeah it really sucks for katy perry i have pancreatic cancer and you're like okay yeah life's not fair right i guess you know you get you know it's crazy that the you know the the pure the rare air that they won't touch you know like they show like biance uh i got done zana der or no what was the song they were doing uh they were doing the song from s&l where christin had the baby hands yeah and they were and then they put katie arr and it was just so unfair because i like katie perry yeah but then i guess the ultimate space you want to be in if you were the dali

llama yeah you'd be laughing yeah you'd be laughing and going oh they got me good and i know know guys like that who can go they got me good and i i think i've gotten been gotten pretty good a bunch of times i think you take it in stride too though like you know like you've accomplished so much it's like at this point i anybody can say anything about you and it's like my track record proves bitch here's the things that are true about me these are the true things i i always want people have a good time yes you always try to make people smile that's it like even at the 5ks i notice that about you because you literally have like little stations or everybody's like just having a, you run it kind of like a frat house and it's the cutest thing ever. But it works.

Yeah, I, Leanne says it's a weird thing that like I can't, I, if I go into a gas station on the ride home, get a diet Mountain Dew, and you could argue, I'm nicer to the person that I'd talk to behind that counter than anyone I'll meet all day. Like, I'm so nice. nice to people that I don't know. Like I'm almost, I said it to Leanne one time. We're arguing and we walk into a fucking gas station and all of a sudden she's like, hey, can you turn some of that on for me? But like there is a thing where I want to make people smile.

I want to make people laugh. I think silly all the time to just, like comedy is my favorite thing in the world. I never would stop doing comedy because the transaction that I get, you know, the same way a chef would get it for feeding people. but that transaction of coming up with an idea and like and like the joy like I said I'm sure it won't go on my special so I'll just tell you the joke but one day I was like I'm gonna kill two birds of one stone I'm going to brush my teeth while I shit and so I was like did you taste it no no I was like I'm on there by the way I'm 52 years old and I'm like why haven't I been doing this longer this is like taking a shit brush my teeth I go you know what and I'm doing the mat I go I'm actually brushing my teeth for two minutes. Like you're supposed to brush your teeth. What if I just cheek-coated it?

And then I'm done and I go to wipe and as soon as I wipe I swallowed the toothpaste and I went, oh, fuck. And then I started laughing. I go, that's a joke, right? That's a joke. And then I go, oh, I don't want to lose that sparkle that goes, hey, I'm so, I'm gonna see

if I get killed two birds with one stone. That's the sparkle you don't want to lose is that walking through your backyard, loving your backyard, getting into your gym, loving, being so grateful that you have an awesome gym and a great coffee maker to make a duplio espresso iced coffee and then turn on Netflix and no, you can pay for Netflix and then you get phone calls from great fucking people.

So many times I'd get into the gym and I'd have a message from jelly going, when does this walking shit get better? And you'd be like, yes, or laying back while you're stretching in the gym, Like heading the sun hit your face and thinking about your friends who have it tougher than you and going, God, man, I got it good today. That's the thing. You can't let the world take all that good stuff away. Yeah.

You know? And I think that's where I'm at right now. It's like I started journaling, although I haven't journal in like four days, but I started journaling on my 53rd birthday. Yeah. And sometimes they're the ravings of a madman, but sometimes they're really like cool. Like, you know. Do you write for you? you write in hopes that somebody reads it.

That is a great question. Well, because I journal too, so I know how I journal. So I lost a joke book, and it was terrifying. Oh, fuck. Because I never had thought of losing a joke book. Right.

And this was, I mean, a joke book was my safe place. It's like a playbook for the NFL. Yeah. And I stopped keeping joke books because of it because it was so terrifying. that I was like, and my name's in it? Like I write my name.

Hey, you go, return to Burt? Because I think I would leave it at the store. Yeah. But, and then I, I, and then by, in that time, I got very famous. And I didn't realize that for a young comic, now they have leverage. They have my joke book. And they read it. And they're like, whoa.

This is a crazy joke. This isn't even funny. This is kind of wild. Right. And then that changed the way I did therapy because I started lying in therapy. Oh, fuck. Because you get scared. You don't know who you can trust.

I don't know who I can trust. I don't know about VPNs. And if someone logs into my, I mean, look, man, you tell me someone can't log into my FaceTime with my therapist and download it and then put it online and then monetize it. Have them come to your house. Oh. So now it's in person.

Okay, good. The value of it being in person is insane. Yeah. And it's a couple of therapists, me and Leanne. But when I kept this journal, as I started writing in it I went what if someone finds this and then I was like

and then I what I did is I just changed my handwriting to so bad that no one else will ever be able to understand it except for me I love that and so if they find it it's like gibberish it's gonna be in gibberish and my name's not on it anywhere and my goals are in it

but my goals are all my goals are all very they're very emotional goals but take Georgia on a trip by herself take eye law on a trip by herself, run a 5K under 30 minutes. They're all like very personal. Nothing's financial anymore.

Nothing is career-wise. Nothing is, I feel like I'm not, I'm not that I have accomplished all my goals in my career. I still have tons of goals, but they're not, my things are all personal. And then the last one,

I do 50, whatever year I am, I do that many goals for the year. And on my 53rd goal, my very last goal, that's always the best one because you're done. Yeah.

You don't have to fill out, 53 goals anymore and you sit and you think and I was like yo jump out of bed in journal just get the fuck out of bed in journal yeah and I've been doing that and uh and yeah and it's been it's been really helpful I think I think mentally I'm in a better place because I journal yes I can get stuff out yeah like therapeutic I watched uh I watched uh something I'm going to be vague but I watched something this morning online that kind of like upset me because I don't know I don't know. It just upset me. And then I realized I'm going to be doing the same thing in like two weeks. And I was like, oh, shit. Hold on. So it bothered me emotionally that it wasn't

me. Then I know that it's going to be me. Yeah. But now it's bothering me in a different way. And I was like, all right, hold on. Let's not spin out about this. Let's just journal about this. Yeah. And find out what it is that's triggering you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love that you said that all of your goals are not monetary. And I think that's such a huge thing to kind of zero in on because once you do accomplish it your focus like you accomplish um where you you've always wanted to accomplish in life like we've we all had dreams right and we've all made it to where we're all financially comfortable praise jesus like thank you for you know helping us get here and it's crazy how that switches and it's like there no amount of money can buy you happiness yeah and like you

really want to fulfill like personal things like you want to take your little your girls on trips by themselves i think that is so cute for a dad to want to do with their daughters, you know? Yeah. Do you find that it's really hard to, like, create a space of time for them because you've been so busy? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I, you know, I have massive regret, obviously. And I think, but I think, I think I over regret. I think when Leanne looks at, she goes, you're doing the best you could. But my thing was, I had to create, I had to create a creative

nothing, you know, I, not to say that, but like, when I started getting famous, podcasts were at their infancy and and a lot of people were really big on podcasts but weren't popping and a lot of people like the tastemakers were still around like Comedy Central and all them and then Netflix had kind of shown up but and so like in a weird way

I was in this this kind of like middle ground this gray area where it's like I wasn't accepted by Comedy Central and HBO and all those in Showtime although I had a special on Showtime but like I wasn't accepted by all the studios or networks or all that. And I wasn't really at Netflix yet because it wasn't a huge thing yet.

Right. And podcasting was happening, but it would sell, you know, it was selling all of us the same amount of tickets where I decided I had to create it for myself. I love this story only because money is important. Tommy and I were doing the same festivals right around this time that I was telling you 2016 called the Oddball Festival. Now, I always wanted to be a darling of these festivals.

I never was. Amsterdam, Aspen, Montreal, Sasquatch or whatever. All the festivals, Moon Tower, never got invited to any of the festivals. And only not being invited,

you know how that feels. You're just like, I know. We didn't get invited to a ton of stuff until recently. And then you get the invites. And then you get invited to all of them. And then you don't want to go at that point.

And so I got invited one time at oddball. And it did feel like a weird invite. I remember feeling like it was like a sympathy invite. Like you can host, which I thought I was better than, but I was like, cool, I'll take it. Because I want to be a part of the festival thing.

Right. And they're like, it's it's $2,500 a weekend. And which wasn't great money, but I've done stand up for less. You got to pay for your travel in your hotel. And I was like, okay, I'm going to be out of pocket. But you know, at least I'll be in the conversation of these things. Yeah, in the circle. And they're like, you'll do

you'll do three weekends and so I was like okay all right you know what if I saved my money right and I fly on miles and you know I can I can afford that and I had money I'd worked travel channel although I'd been let go and then at the last minute they go you know what never mind and I went wait what like wasn't even like a conversation they just fired me and I went oh god and it caught me off guard I called Tom and I said uh I was getting ready to get on the treadmill and I was sitting in my man cave and I was at my desk and I was like I was like dude I guess I'm not doing oddball he was like wait what I was like yeah they canceled my dates he goes no they're doing that for some people and I went oh for real he goes yeah you got to get them to give you the money though

I was like what do you mean he was like they'll they'll pay out the money and I was like well that's it's not a crazy ton of money and he's like are you fucking kidding he's like wait what are you getting paid I said 25 and he goes oh nice yeah and I said no 2500 and he goes wait what per show went no for the weekend and he went oh and i went wait what are you getting paid and he was like why i'm afraid to tell you and i said why and he goes i don't know if it's going to fuck up our friendship like wait what are you getting paid and he was like i don't know i i don't know can we just drop it and i went hold on what are you getting paid and he was like you promised this isn't going to fuck up our friendship and i was like yeah because there is a jealousy that could

happen. And I sat with my hands on my knees and I said, will this affect how I feel about Tom? And I went in my head. I went, I want Tom to be successful. I do think if Tom's successful will help my career. I do believe that. I think the high tide raises all boats. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I'm good. And in my head, I went, if he's getting 10,000 a weekend, I'm fine. I'm totally good with that. I know what? 15,000 a weekend. I'm good. And he goes 25,000. And I went a weekend. that's not bad and he goes a show and I went what the hell you're getting $25,000 a show I was like holy shit I mean it floored me I was like this is where you are Bert this is where you're standing today this is it's like blood work

it was like a slice of humble pie yeah and I was like wow wow and he's like yeah and if I do this I'm able to buy a house and I went no no no I want you to buy house I want you to be happy and I was like okay but I realized where I was at that moment and I went okay no one's going to help me. No one gives a fuck about me. No one cares. If I, if I piss and moan in the back of the store, no one cares. No one gives a shit. I have to give a shit first. Yes. And I went out and I started, I started thinking, no idea is a bad idea. First thing I did was I did promo videos. Started doing promo videos. They didn't all pop, but I posted them. It didn't matter. If 10, if it added 10 tickets tales, it mattered. I started doing posters for every weekend.

Those started making a dent. I started coming up with my own ideas and I would not listen to anybody. Yeah. I would listen to like four people, probably Joe, Tom, Leanne, and that really was it. Yeah.

And I created my career, my career. I remember I always had to deal at NBC and they wanted me to focus on this sitcom about me being a beer guy who, you know, sells beer and parties at all the bars and then goes home to his family hammered. And I was like, that's a dumb idea. That's not a great dad

And I remember Tom and I were doing The Weight Loss Challenger Joe And NBC called up And they're like yo We need your notes on the script And Leanne and totally Leanne move goes Oh you lost him They're like what?

She goes oh he's done He's not gonna do this TV show And they were like what She's like he's fat shaming his best friend He's having a ton of fun doing that And it's affecting like it's getting traction for him And you know everything was that I was doing for myself was garnering traction and I started like really getting curious about the business and

and it was like and it was it was life changing but that moment I had to create for myself and in doing that I missed a lot of shit with the girls you know I missed I remember at one point the girls were like can you not do Instagram stories and I was like what I went through that with Bailey too yeah yeah and I think every parent that's in the limelight kind of has to go through that with their kids yeah they you know what they used to do I'd go I'd be like you know what's up everybody, San Francisco, I'm they go, dad beats mom, and I'd be like, whoa, what are you doing? I think I remember that era. Yeah. Yeah, I do think I remember that era. But I mean, at least now, one, you've provided a life for them. And I know that that doesn't suffice memories and being and spending

time with them. But now you've created a life to where you can hang out with them and like you can connect with them, especially now that they're adults too. They turn so much cooler when they get to be like 17 18 the teenagers were a fucking nightmare though oh i can't even i don't even i don't even think we should delve into that i leanne leann was like you're acting like a scorned boyfriend because i was i remember saying to leanne i was like what's going on with georgia she's like she's just growing up and i was like she got her own things and i was like so i just got to pretend i'm not not that not that into her she was like she's like no that's not it that's not it she's like no no I don't do that, that's not it.

So everything that you've accomplished, like, you know, selling out stadiums, Netflix shows, movies about your life. Like, what does Burt want to do in this next chapter of his life? So funny, I was, I was talking about this on the ride over. Yeah. So there's not, there's no clear roadmap for the world that comedy's in right now. Comedy's in a really unique place where usually, Back in the day, if you were 53, you didn't tell us anyone you were 53, and your career

was kind of over, usually. Maybe you could get a role in, like, cocoon or something, you know? I mean, but that's, you know, that's like, as an extra. The golden girls were in their 50s. Yeah. So, like, there was no real roadmap for where we're headed. And absolutely. And I say this, like, I was saying it, sometimes I say wild shit, just shelved whether or not

it's accurate, understand the emotion in it. but there was no real when I was coming up there was no real 53 year old comic doing doing arenas there was 53 year old comics weren't big it wasn't the hot thing yeah it was a 26 year olds and 30 year olds and like maybe I mean look man the sandlers and them they were making movies but you know it was the young people and now it's like dude the greatest ever done it is Chappelle he's 53 I'm 53 uh Burr's 56 Rogan's 56, you know, Tommy's 49, 48, you know, all of us are like grown men and we're all still building and still doing and opportunities are still coming to us. And I feel like we're a

different breed than what, is it called ageism? I feel like ageism has gotten so much better in this era, like as it was compared to back then, because like you said, the golden girls were in their 50s. I'm not going to look like that in five years when I'm fucking 50. Fuck that. No. You know, but I just feel like we're all like kind of fine. like our second prime because I know I didn't get to really have a prime I was so strung out on pills and alcohol and cocaine that I couldn't enjoy my 20s and 30s you know but like going into my 40s and my 50s like I'm ready to fucking turn up and I feel like you guys are all the same way I feel I feel like I haven't I feel like I just scratched the surface and I feel like I have

also we showed up with the industry changed entirely yeah entirely I mean you know you look at like late-night talk shows are and I love the goats you know but like these are going to get more views right this is going to get more views absolutely and it's more valuable for me to call gillis and go yo man can I do your podcast then to reach out to a to a publicist to go hey can you please set up to do the today show and then I'll probably do the today show and you're you're limited on what you can say on those things yes yeah and you can't really be a full like you know it So I don't know what I want, meaning like someone was like, isn't your goal really this has been the big talk to help younger comedians?

And I go, yeah, but I can do that, but they got to help themselves. It's not theirs. You know, like Joe helped us. But he just introduced, he just put us on a show. And he gave us great advice. But he wasn't like overbearing like, you have to do this. He knew you had to want it. You had to want to be undeniable.

Yeah. And so I remember Joe from Fear Factor. I grew up in Vegas and Joe used to gamble all the time there. I had a girlfriend who dated him. So I remember Joe when he had hair. Oh, I do too. I do too. Like a lot of people don't remember that, Joe.

I remember the last few days of Joe's hair. Yeah. I do. That's crazy. When the wind blows, so does the hair. The, uh, I think, you know, I know I have a special do at Netflix in 2026. Yeah. That's the material I'm working on now.

I've enjoyed it working on this. Look, when I started doing, I mean, this is how crazy things have changed. When I started doing specials for Netflix, maybe there were 50 specials a year released. Yeah. Maybe. I would guess there were probably 700 to 1,000 specials released. Streaming has gone insane. Yeah.

I mean, it's YouTube, everyone, and by the way, a lot of really great specials out there. Yeah. A lot of really great specials. And then you also have the great ones and then you have really great ones and then you have really bad ones. And so like now I look at a special and go, does the world need another special? You know, I'll do this one. But I'm not going to, I'll tell you what, I'm not going to be banging down Netflix door going, give me a special. If they want one, I will absolutely do one.

But maybe I take three years to do it, four years to do it. Maybe, you know, I really love acting. I didn't think I was going to like it as much as I did. I really love acting and I love developing. I love making my own projects. I've always loved podcasting, but I feel like, you know, when we were talking today, I feel like, you know, this is a really fun conversation for me. But I'm certain I've said things twice that I've said before.

And you're like, I would love to have all original thoughts. And then the other part of me was like, you know, I woke up today in the Airbnb and I was like, I don't need much for a house. I was like, do I, maybe I just travel more with Leanne. Like we really loved living in a condo in Atlanta. when we were doing the show. Yeah. And I was like, maybe I just, maybe the goal is life isn't guaranteed.

And so maybe I just go and travel and just have fun. Yeah. You know, like when we went to Paris, I mean, why am I not going to Paris once a month? Yeah. We fell in love with Rome. I loved Rome. I know that's not Paris, but Italy, like, oh my God, we fell in love with Rome. We had so much fun out there.

We took the girls to Rome and that was a fucking hysterical trip. I remember, I missed. That's when they call me, that's where I got the name Baby Walrus. Because I guess when I get excited, I do this thing where I go, ha, and that's where they had ice cold watermelon. Yeah. And they got me,

uh, a sleeping. I was sleeping. And they were like, hey, wake up. You're in Rome. You're only in Rome with us once,

dad. Get up and meet us at the restaurant down the block. So I walked out of the restaurant. Uh, I walked out of the hotel. The hotel across street was where Kurt Cobain. had overdosed. So I was a big fan.

I had this moment of clarity. And I sit down and the guy goes, is this him? And they go, yeah. And he puts out ice cold watermelon and an apparel spritz. And I just went, ah, and they go, oh, look at baby walrus. And from that day, I mean, our chat threads, baby walrus. I love that. When I get excited, ha.

Yeah. I love that. But yeah, I don't know. You know what, goal wise, go wise, I don't, I don't want to write a book. I did not enjoy that process. It's a rough process. I would do a self-help book with all my fucked up brain stuff. Like number one thing in a self-help book, give yourself a nickname.

The Burt Bible. Yeah. But I, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I love that. I love that you don't have a game plan. It's like, I think let's normalize people not having a game plan. You know, everybody always has to have something so structured.

And it's like for once in your life, you're actually, I feel like you've never had a game plan. that you've kind of like always succeeded by not having a game plan. I think, you know, it's also, it's like, you know, Tiger Woods, when he was a kid, he wrote all his goals on the thing based on Jack Nicholas's goals. Yeah.

And so he had, that was his roadmap. And I think a lot of us were like, you know, Dane got a Comedy Center presents. We need a Comedy Center presents. Yeah. Dane's doing arenas, we got to do arenas. Dane's doing theaters. We got to do theaters.

Dane was our roadmap for so long. Yeah. And then Joe was our roadmap. Oh, we've got to get a podcast. We got to get big numbers on podcast. You got to get big guests on podcasts. And then all of a sudden, these roadmaps just started getting more and more faint. It's like when you walk, have you ever gotten lost in the woods?

It's really a surreal experience because at one point, you are very certain you're on a path. And then at one point, and then it gets dark and you're like, am I off the path? And it's a terrifying, terrifying feeling to get lost in the woods and it get dark. With no compass. And no service and no anything and no flash on. of a horror movie. It's also wildly exhilarating. If you know that, look, I'm not going to die out here tonight.

I know the car's over there. I know everyone's partying over there. I know I'm lost, but we're getting through this. And so I think that's where I am. I feel like it's, I feel like the sun's setting and I'm in the woods and I know where I'm headed, but it is getting a little thick. I love that analogy, though. It's so perfect for you.

Bert, thank you so much for coming here today. I love you to death. I love you. I feel like there's a beautiful bond that our families share. Yeah. And I think they're weirdly interchangeable of like jelly and Leanne and me and you are all our little eccentricities and jelly and me and you and Leanne. I mean, I love it.

I think it's really awesome. They should bring back the show Wipe Swap and we go on it. That would be fucking, can you imagine Leanne putting my husband in check? That would be fucking hilarious, dude. I would I would pay money and just me and you would just be watching live rings canes of their house yeah literally just like holy shit we're like the golden retrievers and they're the pit bulls oh my god I can't imagine good you I remember the best the best moment like take it out if you want but this is like we're doing the 5K and the one in Tampa and jellyfly

in overnight into Tampa and Lanz goes to sleep and he's got to run at like 1230 or like 1 30 and the whole crew shows up the whole crew the band managers everyone shows up my husband rolls with a frigging entourage and they're like jellies asleep and they're like cool and they're like now I'd watch Leanne do this thing she's a bulldog Jason Kelsey had walked up she goes Jason, I'm a person. You need anything you tell me. And Jason Kelsey is not really aware. He's a pro athlete.

She goes, I can go for pancakes. And she was like, huh? And he's like pancakes. He goes, okay. And so Leanne sourced fucking pancakes at Tampa Bay Stadium for Jason Kelsey. No one could get pancakes. They brought a chef in to make pancakes for Jason Kelsey within 30 minutes. Wow.

So we're sitting around. It's one o'clock. We're all on stage. Everyone's there. All that's going to happen is, ladies and gentlemen, jelly is about to roll in. It's our final heat. We all run and the party starts. That's when the party really gets going.

And some of the band members are like, he's sleeping. And they're like, I was like, okay, well, have someone wake him up. And they're like, nah. They're like, we want to keep our jobs. And I go, what do you mean? They're like, I'm not waking him up. And then they look at each other. I'm not waking him up.

I'm fucking wake him up. I want to play tomorrow. And I was like, what do you mean? you want to play them. I'm like, I'm no one's waking him up. So we go to the tour manager, everybody goes, hey, can you wake up jelly? And he goes, no.

And then they say very candidly, they go, I don't think he's going to run it. And we're like, what do you mean? And they're like, well, he's sleeping. And I go, no, but he flew here to run it. We should wake him up. And they're like, do you want to wake him up? And I was like, well, not after all these things.

Like, what happens when you wake him up? Is it bad? And they're like, trust me, you don't want to wake him up. And then Leanne just goes, what are we talking about? And they go, Jelly's asleep in the hotel. She goes, what hotel? And they go one more right. She goes, I'll go wake him up.

And I was like, if there's ever been a person to wake him up. And she goes, fuck it. Get me a car. I'm going to wake him up right now. I'm going to give a fuck. And then all of a sudden, someone goes, he's up. He's up. He's on his way over.

And I was like, man, we dodged the perfect storm. I would love that video. Jellie, get the fuck up. Yeah. Get the fuck up. Get the fuck up. I would pay Leanne to do that one day. And you know what?

Leanne's probably the only person who could get away with it. I swear to God when and I was like I know I'm not sending her to her death but I'm sending to a battle but I go she's going to come out with a couple scars he'll have a couple scars and we'll run this 5k yeah no for sure I would have paid to have seen that anytime dude yeah so definitely we need to like make a wife swap I think that would be so funny I would and we'll just live stream there's the entire live stream it on Twitch let's do it oh my god I'm so down do you know what they'd probably fucking out they'd probably turn into this perfect fucking power couple, where they just, and just start dominating everything. And she's like, hey, you clean

the kitchen? Bert don't clean the kitchen? And he's like, oh, I can do daffics anywhere. Listen, if she could get my husband to clean the kitchen, I'll marry Leanne, okay? I love that. Bert, you're going to be Mrs. Steelier girl, all right? Oh, that's great. Thank you so much for coming. I love you. I can't wait to do your podcast later. I can't wait. I can't wait. Do you know Leanne Morgan? I have interviewed her. Oh, for real? Yes. We talked about menopause. It was great. Oh, I can't fucking. She's hilarious.

She is. So have you ever met her? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've known Leanne. I've known Leanne for a long time. Oh, good. Not, not, I mean, but just like I've known her for a while.

Yeah. No, love her to death. Can't wait. Can't wait to sit down with you. I can't wait. Always come and visit me. Next time bring Leanne. Let's hang out.

She'll be my TV show, Freebert, is streaming on Netflix. January 22nd. That's my birthday. Is it really? It is my birthday. Oh. And so, check it out. It is a fictionalized version of my real life

and this moment in my life where I had this huge transition that we've talked about a little bit of where everything kind of went to shit and we were at a school where I didn't fit in and I felt like all the dads were cool and had money and I didn't and I tried to fit in and I kind of fucked it up

and then I found my own way and it's all about that. And I'll simply say by now you'll probably have seen the trailer and so I hope you liked it but if you're hearing this today, remember the 22nd stream it and if you like it word of mouth is like the greatest thing just tell people tell people to like it you know shared on social media yeah and uh and enjoy it i i think

it's i think it's bizarre but i think it's really good yeah i'm so excited yeah it's it's good i think yeah i think people like it i love it love you bert love you too thank you guys for turning into another episode of dumb blonde i'll see you guys next week bye Don't know.