Dumb Blonde - Brittany Jade: Relapse, Recovery and Redemption

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Brittany Jade is no stranger to backlash, drama, and picking up the pieces while evolving to be better. This week, she's an open book and shares everything with Bunnie: the good, the bad, and how she's learning to love herself through it all. Brittany first talks about dark moments in addiction and hitting rock bottom, and how she got back on her feet to share her journey online for millions to watch. Brittany's husband, Wyland, also jumps on with Bunnie to give his side of their twin flame relationship and more about the passion and love that have made them stronger and a light in the world. They talk about the things they've learned from sharing their whole life online and what's next for Brittany and her family.   Brittany Jade:  TikTok IG  Watch Full Episodes & More: www.dumbblondeunrated.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Get those dollar bills ready. She's got an ass that shakes like Michael J. Fox. So get up there and throw, throw, throw them dollars. Dude, that is fucking iconic. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Don Blonde. Today, I have the Brittany Jade in the house, baby. What's up? How are you? Hi,

I'm good. Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be here. Dude, I'm so happy you're here also. I just learned that you're from, you came from the West Coast. Yes. Well, actually I'm originally from Wisconsin. Okay. Oh, born and raised in Wisconsin for 22 years. I moved out to California to go to rehab actually when I was 19. And then I met my husband in the sober living house after. And that's kind of where our California life started. But we've been living there now for 10 years. I love that. I can't wait to hear this whole story because that's actually what drew me into you on TikTok was how raw you are about mental health. And, you know, everybody that listens to my podcast knows that I have suffered from severe suicidal ideation, depression and fucking severe anxiety ever since I got sober. So I think I came across one of your videos one time and like you were crying and you were just being so vulnerable.

And I was like, I love that because not many people do that, you know, and I always cried and it's not, and it's, well, it's not even that, but it's just, it's, you're doing it for a good cause though. You know, like you're not crying because you're not getting views or you're not getting likes, you know, you're actually crying because you're hurting. And I think that means so much. Yeah. I'm just trying to share my real life too. I think so much of social media is fake. And I've, I've really tried my best to not to make sure that it's what I'm sharing is real life. And that means sharing the good along with the bad as well. So I think I feel a familiarity with you. Oh, that's crazy. So, OK, let's take it back.

I want to know all things, Brittany Jade. We're going to start from the beginning. And I just want to kind of hear your journey through life. So you grew up in Wisconsin. Yes, grew up in Wisconsin, had a pretty normal childhood besides the fact that my dad was an alcoholic. So that alcohol just affects a lot of relationships and families obviously. But my dad got sober when I was 15. Um, go dad. Yes. Yeah. Um, and to be honest, I don't really remember a lot of my childhood. I hear that's like a sign of trauma, um it just is what it is and in the same way yeah I

remember the bad parts yes um I started drinking though at 13 I don't know why I started that early I think it was just very easy access to me with my dad being an alcoholic there was always alcohol in the house they never knew how much was gone because my dad drank so much he didn't know if a couple beers were missing here and there and so I started really young and it was very clear from the very beginning that it was a problem my mom even said the first time she saw me come home drunk she said she could see it in my eyes and she knew what I had what my dad had with the alcoholism and so she said even from my very first drink like she knew it was a problem do you remember the first drink you ever took i don't remember the very first one

i was just because you know how i remember the first xanax i ever took yes i was like lord thank you like i was so happy because you just feel so peaceful so i didn't know yeah that's how it was with coke for me oh wow yeah but the first drink not so much i think it just kind of started off small when it was like little sips and we were so young i think the first time i ever got drunk was off a 40 of old english oh my gosh god i used to the high gravity in the 40s and the cisco all that shit oh i can't do it i know i've never drank a 40 cents yeah drunk the first time you like that's one of those things you do the first time and you're like i'm never going through that again so mom knew from the start that after you had your first drink did you always have a

really good relationship with your mom and your dad yeah i have um my dad and i aren't super close i don't know but like we get along. We have OK relationships. My my parents are still married. My dad lives back in Wisconsin. My mom lives in California. She moved out here when I got sober to help me get back on my feet. So we'll get there in the timeline. But I've always had a pretty good relationship with them. Um, you know, just, it was, it was just my dad and I were just not very close. And do you think because of his alcoholism that created a wedge between you guys? Yeah, I do. And I think there's been times that like now, you know, that we're both sober that, um, we've like wanted to connect more, but we haven't. But maybe we'll get there, you know, one day.

So, yeah, I so high school drinking. I my parents let me move out when I was 17. And that's like really what like took my partying level to a whole nother level because I was the only senior in high school that was living on their own. And I had the party house. That was just my house and all my friends. So you moved out like on your own like. With a boyfriend. So I was with a boyfriend.

Well still that's still having your own place. Yeah. Yep. We moved out. That's crazy they let you move out that early. I know. I like I'm like mom what were you thinking. She's like Brittany you were going to do whatever you wanted to do,

regardless of what we said. And I guess I've always kind of been that type of person. But I also have always been the type of person that wants my parents' approval and validation for everything. But then I also know that I probably won't get it, so I'll just do whatever I want anyways. So, yeah, we moved out. And then, you know, everything was pretty was okay it's just

I was a big partier um and then did you graduate yes I did I graduated um I got voted I I feel like I do a lot I really do a lot um but I got voted biggest slacker my senior year simply because I just didn't like coming to school you know but I make sure to get like past enough but good enough grades to pass but that's about as far as I wanted to do I dropped out in 10th grade so you did okay yeah it just I didn't like school at all and I didn't want to go to college there was nothing I wanted to do I might literally as a kid like I wanted to move to the beach and move to jamaica and live on the beach that's what i wanted to do for my future and um that wasn't really realistic so i decided to go to cosmetology school um and i went there uh and that's when my drug use started because i had smoked weed and stuff um and even in high school I was always the girl that was friends with everyone.

Like every single click I was friends with. And I've always been that person. It's so exhausting being that type of person because. Because they say something and then, you know. Yeah. And it's just like, I'm, I feel like I'm almost like just I'm a professional people pleaser, you know,

and I've always tried to make sure that I can get along with everyone when reality doesn't make you feel good inside. No. So I went to cosmetology school and that is when I tried Coke for the first time and it was pretty much love at first snort. It was pretty much love at first snort. And I started doing acid. Like, the house, I got evicted from my first apartment because I had a party. And one of the guys who I met that night, apparently while we were all sleeping, woke up and through the apartment building, went and, like, broke all the windows. Oh, my God. And so I I got evicted from there.

And kind of during that time, you know, I had I would always struggled with mental health. I started. Do you think maybe you started drinking because as so young, because you weren't able to identify the feelings? Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. And I was a cutter. I started cutting really young, too. And I think I was always cutter I started cutting really young too and I think I was always looking for something to numb and for a while it was the cutting and then it was alcohol and then it turned into coke and when I was I went to school in Minneapolis which is a new city a big city Minneapolis Minnesota and I had a really bad my boyfriend broke up with me right during that time.

We were together for four years. The one I moved out with, that was so hard on me. Like I did not think I was gonna, it was like one of those young loves that you don't think you're ever going to get over. That first young love is always so hard. Yeah. Um, and I had a really bad suicide attempt um from that when I was living in Minneapolis and how old were you what I was 18 at the time um and it was it's crazy to think

about because I was completely sober for it um because I wasn't old enough to get alcohol I think I had drank a little NyQuil because that's the type of person I was I was looking for anything oh that's how my best friend Grace was she would drink mouthwash yes scope yes yeah yeah we'll get mouthwashes definitely in my story too nobody that's listening to this podcast do not take that as a tip yes yes please don't I know sometimes it's so hard because I'm like I want to give people any ideas but it's part of your story. Yeah. People are going to do what they're going to do, you know, but we can throw that disclaimer

out there. Yep. And so I got evicted from that part. And then I moved into a house. It was like a drug house. And like literally the people living upstairs were dealers. And that's when I started. You moved into a trap house.

Yeah, pretty much and I know I get in trouble for using that term online but that's what it is I know it's yeah I know you do use that term a lot huh yeah no for sure I'm always in trouble using fucking trap house and other shit and I'm just like it's I've lived that life yeah I used to get in trouble for saying um like trailer trash or trailer park yeah But I lived in a trailer park at the time. So it's like it's. Yeah. Like people want you to be embarrassed of where you came from. Yeah.

No. Yeah. This is part of my truth. I'm going to fucking say it. Yeah. So you moved into the trap house. Yes. Moved in the trap house.

And things just like really escalated. I remember my parents, like when I was in the hospital after that suicide attempt, it was, I'm surprised they didn't. Cause that was the, I mean, I had taken pills and a couple other times, but that one was like really bad. Like I should have died. What can we, can we talk about it? I didn't know that was okay so I've

actually never I've never told this like to my husband knows I've told it to maybe a couple friends but I just don't talk about it because it's really fucking scary and people will be like oh my god Brittany you're bat shit crazy but that's all right we're all fucking crazy baby so I actually um it was like downtown I was in the city and it was more of like I was wanting attention for my boyfriend because I had went to go see him that night but I I had wrote a whole letter and it's weird because I don't remember writing the letter I don't remember no no I wasn't I had drank in a little bit of NyQuil but like not even a full bottle. Like my blood alcohol, I think, was like point zero three when we when they brought me. But I had walked three miles that night with a knife in my pocket.

And the craziest part about this, I don't even remember like I don't remember grabbing the knife and carrying it with me the whole time. Was it a form of psychosis? It was never talked about like that. Yeah yeah it sounds like you might have I know been in some sort of like yeah and I think almost immediately after it happened though my brain like was like no we're not remembering this and that's why I don't remember it so well but um I actually so I stabbed myself in my stomach I had a winter jacket on. And like, so it went through everything. And almost immediately after it happened, I pulled it out. And like the, I remember like trying to take a couple steps and walk because we were already, it was like midnight downtown. And there was like

these steps going down. I remember like sitting down. And then I passed out. And I woke up a little bit like I remember them putting me into the ambulance and being like she doesn't have a pulse she doesn't have a pulse like I remember hearing that and then I woke up the next day in the hospital and um they they found the letter in my pocket and um they said the doctor said that like I got so lucky if it would have been like a millimeter deeper it would have hit some artery in my stomach and I would have I would have bled out. So, yeah, that was that was very hard. And I think.

I don't know, I just didn't really do much to heal from that at all. I just jumped into that's really when the drug use, you know, I feel like when we're that young, we don't know how to heal. And especially if we don't have parents who haven't healed themselves either. We're never taught fucking coping skills or get through something or like, hey, maybe you should go see somebody and talk to somebody. Yeah. You know, we just kind of like get thrust back into life like sink or swim, bitch. Yeah. Yes. I think our generation for sure. It was just like everything was kind of like get thrust back into life like sink or swim, bitch. Yeah. Yes. I think our generation for sure.

It was just like everything was kind of brushed off, which is why now me as a mother, I'm so adamant on getting make sure my kids are getting the mental health help that they need and deserve. Don't they say underprotected daughters are overprotective mothers? Yes. Yeah. So. All right. So you wake up from? Yes. Yeah. So, all right. So you wake up from the hospital, you have this near death experience. Take me on that journey.

What does Brittany do now? Um, I started doing acid like, like, uh, a few times a week. It was really bad. And I almost didn't even graduate. Like I would go to school on acid. And I remember like highlighting people's hair and like sobbing for no reason. And I was the last one in my class to graduate. But I did graduate. I actually they made me take like a two week leave from school because they're like, girl, like this is not. I was a total different person from when I started cosmetology school. But I did finish.

total different person from when I started cosmetology school but I did finish um but I ended up getting like I ended up getting arrested a few times like I would get drunk like I am not a mean person I have never been in a fist fight with anyone ever but when I got drunk I would punch my I would punch holes through walls and they'd always take me the drunk tank like I've never been actually charged with anything but I've been to jail I've been to the drunk tank like more than more times I can count on two hands right that's just who I was when um when I was drunk and so we had an incident I got evicted from the drug house place how do you get kicked out of a trap house right damn it I don't even yeah the landlord was just like it was there was holes in the walls. I was like, okay.

And so my parents were like, all right, you need to go to treatment. So that's the first time I went to treatment and I was back in Wisconsin. Um, it was only like a week long though, because insurance never covered longer than that. And, um, so it didn't really work. Uh, I always met guys in treatment. It's just my toxic trait, I guess. Angst as attachment. Yes.

Yeah. And I had met a heroin addict that time who was married. You did this in Wisconsin, not Cali, right? Yep. Yep. Yeah. So we were in Minneapolis for all that. And then now we're back in Wisconsin. Gotchacha and I tried to go to treatment here it didn't really work

so I had this brilliant idea that I was gonna go out to California buy a one-way ticket and I was gonna get sober out there on my own like I was like this is I thought it was my calling to go and have this moment and time. And it didn't work. When I came out to California, I stayed in hostels, and I met men who would let me stay with them, but only if I slept with them. It was very bad, and I ran out of money really quickly. And so I went back to Wisconsin.

And my poor mom during all this, like like my mom she just loves me so much and she's just always wants the best for me and so this this life that has been very hard for her for sure um but I uh I love that you have that support of your mom because a lot of people don't um went back to Wisconsin and my mom and a few of my friends actually had like an intervention with me. I rarely remember it because I was drunk that time, but I had a little intervention and that's when I decided to come back out to California. I'm still 19 now. So this is my, I think that was my second time then in treatment at 19 to go to a treatment center in Palm Springs. My insurance ran up again, same story, like after like two weeks.

And thankfully I found a sober living house and in San Diego. And that is then where I met my husband in the sober living house. Yeah. You're not allowed to date in sober living houses. So really quick for people who don't know how it works. So you have to go to treatment. How long were you in treatment for before you got moved to the sober living? I was there for two weeks.

They want you to stay for 30 days. But if insurance isn't going to cover it and you can't afford to pay the $40,000, then it is what it is. Can we talk about how this world, America, is in a mental health crisis and they do nothing to help people at all? It's terrible. It's really terrible. I learned how hard it was getting addiction help when I went through that.

And then six months ago when I went through like a really bad mental crisis, I learned how hard it was to try to get mental health help. It's so sad. And even like I was willing to try to because we couldn't afford these places. Our insurance doesn't cover any mental health, like literally nothing. So we had to pay out of pocket and like the the cheapest we could find was $1,400 a day to me for me to go to and I even offered like since I have a platform I'm like could we like work together and like I'll promote and it still was gonna be like and I'm back in my head I'm like well I don't really want to be working when I'm trying to like receive help you know you want to be able to focus but uh yeah it's it's extremely

extremely hard disheartening for sure to find help yeah and um so two weeks and then you move into the sober living and you meet a stud yes yes stud from sober living yeah the halfway house you have a you have a type i'm sure yes i guess i do yep um after all of this really quick after all of this have you came to the conclusion of where all your pain has stemmed from have you ever been able to pinpoint it yet not not I don't know at times at times I think I do but also not really I think what it really comes down to like all of my problems is my inability to love myself and I think um I think that's why I give so much time and energy to so many other people and that's why I want to always be helping other people because I don't feel that way towards myself but you are worth it and you are worth being loved and you are worth more yeah I think

it's just it's just something I've always struggled with. And I felt like I've gotten to good places in my life before, but then it's just very quickly I'm reminded and my depression is back. And, yeah, because I struggled all those, you know, all those years, but I was never diagnosed with anything because I don't think I went to a doctor or a therapist long enough to have the option to be diagnosed but um now i'm 34 years old and i did finally get a diagnosis um but we'll get there we'll get the diagnosis so let's rewind it i just wanted to know because i always

try to pinpoint where my my you know what caused my shit too and I just always like want to hear people's stories you know um okay so you met this stud in sober living yeah yes and uh it was love at first sight for him um and I had just got out of that like four-year relationship and I was like no I don't want a relationship but you're also just in a very vulnerable state in that time and you're you feel very alone and you also probably kind of bond with somebody yeah because you guys are going through the same shit yes yep can can we bring him in yeah let's bring you in bubba and my honey bear what is his name i'm so his name is wyland wyland okay but i call him wiley okay or demps calls him

riley okay like i shit you not she's been calling him riley all day listen dips makes her own rules what do you want me to call you uh You can call me whatever is easiest to remember. Can I call you Y? Is that easy? Yeah. We'll call you Y. Or I also go by Will. Okay, we'll call you Will.

We'll call you Will. Perfect. I know. He used to always only go by Wiley, but then when we separated, he kind of went back to Weiland and introducing himself. That's my real name. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we brought in Weiland, Brittany's husband,

and we're going to also have him join the conversation now because I just think that this is like a vital part of their lives, you guys meeting. And you were in rehab also. What were you in rehab for? I was, I was like 18 years old. So I got into pills and Xanax. I love Xanax. Yeah, I did, too.

And basically just my parents were very, very straight edged, you know, very religious household growing up. And so it was like the first, you know, first signs of me smoking weed, things like that. Like they knew it was going to be a problem, but then it did turn into a problem. I started taking pills on a regular basis, but I was, I was young. And then, uh, they sent me to a rehab in like San Jose. Uh, so I went out there for 30 days and never had an issue with it ever since. Went to sober living. Wow.

That's amazing. He stayed clean of all of his drug of choice. And then I did not from mine. Yeah, but yours is a little bit, yeah. So you guys met. Take me on that journey. You guys are so young. So you're 19, you're 18 in the sober living.

No, we're both 19 now. You're both 19 now. Those are, that's babies. I know. Like it's, when I think, people get mad at me for saying that, but I'm sorry when I was 19, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Yeah doing yeah no we have a 15 year old at home and she

wouldn't know what to do if she fucking had to be on her own yes in a sober living place yeah they're babies i think you should be 21 to get a tattoo because i got all my tattoos when i was 18 19 and same i'm like living with a fucking mural on me from when i was a kid right um so it was love at first sight you were trying to like deny it because you had just got out of a relationship yeah um we just we did it though we just we wanted to be together and then we got kicked out for dating yes yeah they figured out we were dating and we ended up on the streets

for like a short while. We were homeless for a little bit there. I don't understand how a sober living place can do that to you. I know. My mom was pissed

for how much we were paying there like for them to just be like, nope, you guys can't be here anymore. But isn't the point of them helping you

with your sobriety and then to kick you out on the street with nowhere to go? Like doesn't that jeopardize your sobriety? then to kick you out on the street with nowhere to go like doesn't that jeopardize your sobriety yeah it did we didn't stay sober we didn't we we went and they have to like set standards drink you know gotcha yeah i mean he didn't do his drug of choice but we definitely that's when we started drinking and um we really struggled like i mean i think he got to you got that's when you really got the first taste

of just what alcohol does to me. Cause we eventually moved into a place together with, uh, like a bunch of other roommates, party, party house, basically. Were you guys working or just no? I was working a sick job, some hotel or something like that. Trying to, with, you know, the busy nights that we had trying to get get in every day but right i remember that can you tell this yeah maybe you can tell i remember i was like the first time i i feel like there was an issue is when i realized like

it would happen more than more than one occasion because we had like an air mattress and it would like oh that story like partially deflate halfway through the night. And most nights I'd wake up and I'd be like, oh, soaking wet. I would piss the bed. I was a bed wetter. And you know what's crazy? My friend Katie was too. She would get shit-faced and pee. We wouldn't sleep with her because we knew she was going to pee.

Yes, every time. You know what's crazy is even though as a kid I was a bed wetter, I wet the bed up until like I remember having sleepovers when I was 10 11 and peeing the bed still so I don't know did you ever have any sexual abuse my mom says no because that's a sign I know I actually just learned that at uh I went to this like intensive treatment recently and I learned that there that it was a sign of that and so I asked my mom and my mom's like no I don't think so so I'm like oh okay something seems something seems off with everything but yeah so you woke up in the middle of the night just yeah drenched in

urine yes because it would like pool down in the air mattress I know and then and then I don't know just like just every time we would drink she would I was able to kind of realize pretty quickly that like oh she she turns into like somebody else like that's not the same girl that I you know that I know like right and so kind of picked up on that pretty pretty early in our relationship but like I don't know I just I love the Brittany that wasn't. Just from the beginning, even though we still chose to drink. I knew who she was deep down.

I knew who her true self was. And so that was enough just to keep me around, I guess. Until it wasn't. Until I took a bunch of pills. Is that what happened that night? How long were you guys together before this night happened? Two months. Oh, maybe? were you guys together before this night happened? Two months. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So you guys were fucking moving fast. And we had been homeless for one month. We would sleep on a rug in a field or we would go look at apartments. And they would tell us what the code was to get the key to go look inside the apartment. And we would just sleep there on the floor. How amazing is that, though, to see how far you guys yeah i know like when you tell me about sleeping on the rug in a

field and i see you guys have a beautiful home yeah your babies like fucking go babies go yeah i just i'm so excited for the underdogs okay so you what happened the in the second um i just got really drunk one night i took a bunch of pills i wound up in the hospital you called the you called 911 on me yeah or someone else probably like violent like she she at that point too i remember she would like she would hit me too and like when she would drink and i remember actually well you would yeah yeah but and so probably i mean i really didn't know that I was hitting you. I think it progressed and maybe one of the roommates or something.

Somebody called the police or the ambulance. I'm not sure. I don't even. Yeah. Ended up going to the hospital. See, I just remember waking up in the hospital. And by the way, I can cut that out if you want me to. Just let me know.

Yeah. No. I'll let you guys watch this before and then you guys okay okay i mean it's something from my past so it's like i don't hit him today so well i mean you're also severely intoxicated not making excuses but we are all different people when we're inebriated yes very true um and then trust me i've hit a few of my men before yep I get it yeah and I just kind of I don't know I remember just getting out and feeling defeated and knowing I couldn't go back to that house that we had together and I had once again no other option but to go back to Wisconsin because

I had failed at trying to get my life together again and I have to go back to Wisconsin to um live with my parents again this has been like a year now of me really trying to get it together yes and I couldn't do it so um I mean I don't really have much stuff with me I had like a bag and so I went back to Wisconsin and we said our goodbyes and we kind of thought that's what it was going to be. And, um, that was just like an end of a chapter. But then two days, two days after I get back to Wisconsin, he calls me and he says, can I move to Wisconsin?

He's born and raised in California, so he's never lived anywhere else. Um, they do say crazy pussy is the best pussy. I have a feeling that's what's going on. Yeah. And he, um, and i said sure yeah you can come move to wisconsin and me knowing i'm living with my parents and your parents were like okay with it too like and to me i don't know if they really are okay with it but i think they

thought if i if they didn't let you that i would like go run off with you somewhere else. So I bought a one way ticket, quit my job and said, Mom, Dad, see you guys later. Yeah. What was it? Were you just drawn to her? I just was really drawn to her. Like and like I think we maybe had a couple of conversations since then, too, where like where like, you know, she maybe apologized, whatever we kind of reconciled. And so, yeah, like I said earlier, just like I knew who the true Brittany was.

And like, I was, yeah, like you said, drawn to her. So, so he moved to Wisconsin. Yeah.

And honestly, you guys, you guys moved in with her parents. Yeah. Okay. Mm hmm. And 19 years. Yeah.

Um, it was, it was fine. I don't think we weren't really sober then at that time. No, no, no. Um, and then we got engaged. He tried to ask my dad's, uh, hand. We moved out. We got a place eventually, like I got working in Wisconsin, kind of got settled in when we were at her parents house and then we got another place and then um came back to california visited you know we were for a while there but you guys weren't sober no no we were we were still drinking on and off remember yeah it was but not like it was yeah before not quite like it was still being functional yeah we like we knew we recognized like there was some issues and then just the fact like with the knowledge that we had been in rehab and we both

had an idea like um but wasn't still enough for us to make a permanent switch or at least try to yeah but we did we got engaged and were engaged for a year and then we got married and we did have a sober wedding there was no alcohol at our wedding but we pretty much did it to please our parents yeah um which was fine and because everyone there like knew like all my friends from high school knew that i always had a problem with alcohol i'm sure all your friends did too yeah kind of knew he had a problem. And so we got married. And then shortly after that, what was it? Like nine months after we actually, actually no, it was a few months after we got married, we completely stopped drinking.

Like, remember? Yeah, it was weird. It was weird. I don't know. I'm sure there was something that maybe initiated it but like, yeah, we were good for a long while. Well, and then because I know I was completely sober when I got pregnant, we decided let's go off birth control. And in a year, we'll get pregnant, you know, thinking it was going to be a year. I got pregnant the first month, which we were like, not really ready for.

But it happened and we had our daughter and honestly like everything was very good in our life from the time we were 23 to 26 like happiest we've ever been um i he worked full-time I worked in the salon full time and then actually became a stay at home mom. And we moved back out to California. His parents bought us a house, um, which was so nice. Cause that's the only way. White picket fence with the, you know, the one kid. Like they redid the whole house.

We got to help pick everything out. They're probably just so proud of you guys. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah, they were. Um're probably just so proud of you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they were. And just life was really good and really easy. And we weren't, we didn't say we were sober.

We were in recovery or anything like that. We just simply, like, when our neighbors asked us, oh, do you guys drink? We'd be like, oh, no, we, no, we don't. Like, it was just that sort of thing. Or not really. But then we got pregnant with the twins. And that is really what, like, I think that. I mean, in that time, though, there was, like, you know,

we would still get, like, alcohol every once in a while. Like, a while after Violet was born. Like, when we moved to California. That was towards the later. Yeah, yeah. Like, before the twins the twins were born like we would drink with the neighbors we had a couple times but it was mainly it wasn't a problem yeah it wasn't like to where the cops are getting called people are you know poppin pills and stuff yeah yeah it was controlled and when I was pregnant with the twins actually his mom was diagnosed with cancer and three months after she was diagnosed she died so my god it was very

very quick his mom was like the healthiest person ever she was you know all organic just everything like the most healthiest person and to see it happen to her that quickly it was it was very very hard um for our whole family and she was like the glue to our family like my side of the family like she was the backbone that everybody you know was kind of centered around my mom and so when she passed away it was it was difficult for us all but um yeah that's when i like found myself like looking back realizing like okay alcohol was an issue for me, too. Because, like, through that grieving process where I should have been grieving, like, you know, I just numb myself. You guys started drinking again.

Yeah. Like, to get through another night, like, not thinking about the loss of my mom. Like, just, okay, I'm just going gonna drink some whiskey and call it a night and like and there's her right next to me without me really realizing thinking is there you know yeah were you drinking too well not when I was pregnant with the twins obviously I didn't drink for any of my pregnancies because I had been I'd been sober before I got pregnant thankfully so I never had to um go through like anything like that yeah um but after you know we made it through it was a very scary pregnancy we were told like the whole time that one of them might not make it and it was very stressful which is also what made

like that that terrible joke that I you know did six months ago which is what made it even worse because like i had a very scary pregnancy and so my dumb ass but we'll get there yeah um and uh so after the twins were born though they were born six weeks early and were in the nicICU and pretty much right when we got them home from the NICU when they were a few weeks old that's when I started drinking again and it was pretty bad from the very beginning. I you know I went from one kid to three kids overnight. At that time my family lived all the way back in Wisconsin. His family you know his mom had just died. We weren't really close with the rest

of the family yeah it was like we were but like close not in the sense of like okay like reach out to my brother like can you guys watch the kids like it was not like right that would just they didn't do that to us so like why would we like right yeah absolutely so we just turned to alcohol you know to like get through that time and I I thought that it was okay and I remember like calling up my sober friends and being like hey you guys like I'm not an alcoholic anymore and they're like I'd say I'm you know I tell them that I'm drinking again but you're not an alcoholic anymore and I'm like no and which is just so dumb because you know once an alcoholic I was an alcoholic but we were able to control it and manage it yeah we were we were and like were. And like there were so many times where like we would get a six pack and like it was just

we'd start off and be able to like drink two beers a night. But then that would turn into three. And then like. Yeah. Yeah. It just always slowly progressed. And then an issue would happen. And then we'd try to stop.

And then I'd be the one that, you know, buy another six pack. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Insanity, right? Insanity is doing the you know, buy another six pack. Yeah. Yeah. Insanity, right? Insanity is doing the same thing. The definition of insanity. Same thing over and over, expecting different results.

So this is after the twins are born. You guys are drinking again. You guys split, right? Was this around the same time? Well, kind of. You know, we made it like three years of this. And it got pretty bad within the three years, right? Because the boys were three.

It's about two and a half years. And my drinking was just so bad. It was causing a lot of mental health issues. But we were both in denial that it was the alcohol because neither of us wanted to remove alcohol from the house did you suffer any postpartum yeah I think that was like the least of my worries but yes definitely like that's just um when I was going through and I tried to get help but it was so hard for me to make appointments you know like remember how hard it was I had so

many appointments for the kids that I just didn't have time for myself and I totally lost myself in motherhood and um yeah I really struggled and then it got really bad and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me there's been multiple times in my life where i'm like what is wrong with me and that was one of them remember and um because of my drinking i think like just our marriage became very toxic too and yeah i was like like we would drink every night right and like i would have to go to work the next morning so i would like i always shut it down like i think that's where we were different like different levels of alcoholism, if you will. Like, I didn't feel like I had a problem. But, like, she would be just getting started, like, when I would be falling asleep.

Little did I know most nights, you know. Yeah, and I think, you know, a lot of, by the time that I realized that I needed help, it was almost, like, too late. Like, we acknowledged that we need to remove the alcohol but I couldn't come off alcohol without getting sick like I I tried to a few times I had a seizure once in our house and it was it was very bad and very dangerous and um I think I more so at the time kind of looked at our marriage as the problem. I didn't look at my alcoholism as a problem. It was us. And I think a lot of it was because when I would get drunk and be crazy,

because that's what I was crazy, he would call me crazy. Right. Yeah. And there was just so many things I think that just really yes like really affected me you know and just you know the yeah I didn't look at it as in the sense of like what you know that the relationship dynamic I was like she just said like I you're crazy like there was nothing was doing wrong. You guys were babies learning how to navigate life together. Again, you guys weren't given.

Yeah. Well, we are 27 at this point, but still babies, you know. I mean, listen, I'm 43. I think of 25 year olds as babies. Yeah. Because the shit I was doing at 25. Right. I could have I could really incriminate myself.

Yeah. I can admitted to half the shit I was doing. Yeah. So you guys were half the shit I was doing. Yeah. So you guys were blaming the marriage and you guys. Yeah. And I had told him that I was thinking about getting a divorce. I was thinking about wanting that. And he never wanted that.

I love that Y through all of this has always just wanted to be with you. I know. Yeah. has always just wanted to be with you. I know. Yeah. Well, until I made the poor decision of like, during that time, like when there was, you know,

because episodes just kept getting like closer and closer together. More things would happen. Oh, yeah, that's what we call them. And then I was like, something's got to change here. And like, so I went to an attorney, got like divorce paperwork. She had brought this up. That was the last thing I ever wanted. But like, I was like, I'm going to divorce paperwork. She had brought this up. That was the last thing I ever wanted. But like I was like, I'm going to use this as like an ultimatum. Like, hey, here's the papers.

Like if you don't change, if we don't, if something doesn't change here, then we might have to get a divorce. And like that was, little did I know, that was like her way out. I was like, that's the ice cream cake. There it is. I'm out. That's all I needed. Yeah, she's like, fuck around and find out. Yeah.

And so I moved out and got my own place, which was very difficult because I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past three years. I really didn't have much income. I had a garage sale and sold just whatever I could from the house. That was a very awkward day because we were living together. And I moved out. How were you feeling during this time? During that time, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Knowing that she was leaving and that, I guess, just kind of in denial

that we were actually getting a divorce. How are we going to do this with three kids? Lots of denial at that point, for but lots of pain too so how are you feeling britney were you sad or were you mad you were pissed oh i was i was free i was living my best life oh okay i know this one i literally went and got free tattooed on my hand. I think I was just like so angry. We didn't, like our marriage now is not how it was back then. Yeah. Like it really wasn't. Like we were not this close.

And I just didn't have a life outside of being a mom. You didn't ever want me to go out and be doing anything with friends. Right. Because of? Because of the alcohol. Because I knew. There was a lot of controlling factors because of alcohol. Right.

Gotcha. And so I was like, okay, you know what? I'm free. Oh, my. That first 30 days of me living on my own did not do me well at all. Like, I couldn't stay sober. Yeah. It was bad.

I'm laughing at how you said it. Yeah. You said, did not do me well. Yeah. And what happened? I was supposed to, because we had gone to mediation. We wanted to try to do this because we knew that if we were to go to court, it would cost a shit ton and that.

We're both stubborn people. We both know that. Yeah, we both knew that it would be a battle so we're like we'll go to mediation and just be good with it well um let's see what it was i don't my mom had came out during this time to help me and i was supposed to be i was supposed to be getting sober my mom thought i was getting sober and she was staying with me at the house and i was i'm pretty you i could never really trick but my mom like she was staying with me at the house and I was supposed to be sober but I wasn't and um I then she actually left went back to Wisconsin

and I'm in this condo by myself and my my drinking just got out of control to the point where I was drinking vodka first thing in the morning um and like my one of my best friends came over to check on me and it was 10 in the morning and she came over this was the kids weren't with me at this time but they were with him and she came over and I was completely passed out at 10 in the morning that's when she was like okay Brittany this Brittany, this is not okay. Like, we need to get you help. And I had been on, like, a four-day bender at that point, just, like, constant drinking. I was so out of it.

And she took me to a treatment center, actually. And the treatment center was like, absolutely not. She is way too sick. Like, she needs to go to the hospital. So she took me to the hospital. And they drew my blood there. I waited to the hospital so she took me to the hospital and they uh drew my blood there i waited in the hospital i was wasted but i like i still remember it um like my friend took videos of me and stuff but after the court date no oh yes this is that's a big

oh that is a big part i was missing a big part okay okay rewind so rewind um it was when did we have court though oh so we had tried to do mediation right but then i think i and so like there was one time where i remember i came home um again we were living in separate houses and she had the kids that day and like she had i gave gave her free reign to the house, too. And I came home and I didn't have the kids that day, but I saw like, OK, Brittany was here. But like, oh, crap, like the house is a mess. Like, yeah, this is how she used to act like when she would drink. And so immediately I was like, that means she was drinking and driving with the kids.

And that's when I was like, OK like okay well that's that's a problem like yeah yeah so he went and got an attorney this is where that started he went and got an attorney and um filed with them right and then i was served with uh an ex ex parte orders for an emergency court hearing. Well, I was I I don't know if I was drunk when I got it. I didn't really know what was going on. But and I tried to call and figure out what it was. And I didn't I didn't have money for an attorney and have an attorney. And so I called and like, yeah, you just have to show up to court that day.

And I'm like, I had no idea like what it was about. I mean, I had a feeling it was probably for like a custody thing but I didn't understand the severity and I was so nervous I stayed up like way too late the night before drinking preparing what I would say to the judge and I woke up I woke up like an hour later than I was supposed to and still drunk and so I show up to the courtroom I showed up I run in there I'm looking absolutely terrible. I've got a LaCroix in my hand because I'm like so dehydrated. I had parked on the curb on the side of that. There was no parking spots.

She was like parked like up in a on the sidewalk. It was bad. I should have. They should have took me to jail that day, but they didn't. I'm surprised they didn't take you into custody. I was I was a mess. And I like try to pull it together. And I run into the courtroom, like, all frantic.

He's there with, like, his whole family. And then it's just me. And it was super, super quick. And the judge just goes, like, okay, you know, granted or something. And I was like, okay, Your Honor, I just want to make sure, like, that we're going back to our original custody schedule, like our 50-50 schedule. And she goes, yes, what was ordered.

I had no idea. I had never been, like, I've never seen papers. I didn't know what the order was. So I walk out of the courtroom and I call my mom and I was like, Mom, you know, I did it. Like, everything is going to be okay. And she was like, oh, my gosh, Brittany, I'm so proud of you. I knew it was going to be okay. And I'm walking out of the courtroom and I look at this paper and it um it's I've never been able to tell this part of the story without crying but

it says on there uh supervised and unsupervised visits and then I'd seen that he had uh filed for sole legal and physical custody and so that's when I realized that um that I had I didn't really fully know the extent but I knew it was way worse than I thought and I knew I had lost custody and it's so sad because in that moment um you think that like if you just lost custody of your kids because of your alcoholism, that that would be enough to wake you up, but it didn't. The first thing I did was I went straight to the liquor store and I started drinking.

And that's because, I mean, those kids were my whole life. Like, they were with me 24-7. And I was never a bad mom, but I was and I was a very sick mom. And that's what started the bender. That's what started the couple days. It was like this is what spiraled you into going into the hospital. And then they drew your blood. And when they drew your blood, what you were waiting for the blood work.

You said your friend was videos of you. Yeah. So it was actually it was actually the very next day then. That's when she had said like she took a video of me actually i posted on tiktok i was wasted and she said what are you doing willing to do to get your kids back and i was like anything you know you can tell i'm fucked up but um and she so yeah i said i would go to treatment the um that the hospital another place ended up calling when we were waiting at the hospital and they said hey we have a room open for her we'll take her right now you don't she doesn't need you can just leave the hospital and come here while as

we're driving to that treatment center that one was going to let me pay cash it was a detox center I was going to get to go for two weeks to detox it was eighteen hundred dollars cash which is not much at all like that's super cheap yeah for a detox I had eighteen hundred dollars eight eight one thousand eight hundred and fifty dollars in my bank account so I drew out everything to go to this to this detox center and as we're walking into it the hospital calls and they're like hey where'd you go like we just got your blood alcohol test back and um you're a 0.457 which is like absolutely insane and i was like oh well actually um i stopped at the gas station i got two more tall cans because i was still with it and still drinking and um but i said but i'm walking into a treatment center right now i know and that's just like this goes to show that's how much i was drinking to build up a tolerance that to that high yeah um which anybody that doesn't know like that's like above lethal like for most people yes

what is the lethal limit point four wow yeah i know it's crazy when you like lay it out like i've heard like i know a lot of alcoholics and I've known maybe two. And these are grown, huge men, too. Like I know maybe two people that have had higher than point four. So it was very crazy. And that was a big that like when I went in there, I was like, wow, Brittany. OK, if it was that bad, like you need to be here. And I.

How do you not see your purpose? Yeah. Being here. Yeah. With, you know, surviving that. Yes. Mm hmm. was that bad like you need to be here and I how do you not see your purpose yeah yeah with you know surviving that yes mm-hmm shit that would kill somebody yeah yep and I knew I had to go there I hated it there that that detox but thankfully um you know they you have to be medicated to come off of alcohol like you just have to otherwise it's not safe what do they put you on like sedatives um valium okay um gabapentin oh my god gabapentin is crazy naltrexone naltrexone what else it was mainly valium though like that was the big one that would really help with the withdrawals and you know that's when I really started my sobriety journey kind of because I didn't stay sober after that unfortunately I I left um I could no longer afford I had no more

money so I could no longer afford my condo and so um I moved back in with him. And I didn't want to be there. Like, I didn't think it was a good place for me to get sober at. But I also wanted to be with my kids. And I knew that was the only way that that was going to happen. Yeah, you were trapped, basically. Yeah. I didn't have anywhere to go. And it was really hard for him because he still wanted our marriage to work out.

I didn't have anywhere to go. And it was really hard for him because he still wanted our marriage to work out. And so it's just those next couple months were just hard because once again, I didn't stay sober. I had met a heroin addict in that detox center. And just like the shit and uh february was it january yeah i ended up i stayed sober for a few months and then i relapsed and on alcohol on uh yeah was that yeah was that the wedding yeah in mexico yeah i was photographing a wedding i was the photographer and oh my god i got shit faced they found me like three resorts down had to bring me back in a wheelchair like it was terrible um oh and i actually ended up going into psychosis

after that i tried to get sober again after that i thought i won't go through withdrawals i only had like one bender weekend but i went into an actual psychosis scariest thing ever we were i was hearing things seeing things like god was talking to me and then the devil was here and it was very scary very scary Um, that a few days after that, I had like a crazy manic episode. Um, this is all while trying to come off. Now this is, yeah, this is all from alcohol. This is after Mexico. You came home and you're trying to do, to do this on your own. Yes. Trying to do the home.

Do you think maybe you were drugged in Mexico? No, I think, um, no, I don't. So, cause, because Mexico? No, I think. No. I don't. So because I know how much I drink. I've never seen hotel rooms with full liquor bottles. Like with the spout things. And it's like, it's so crazy. I was 50 days sober.

When I walked into that room, those 50 days went out the door. Because I was like, holy shit. I have four full liquor bottles. And no one here with me. And so I like literally put my mouth under it and was like drinking it like a like a crazy woman so I don't think so but for some reason medications I think whatever I was prescribed for male alcohol withdrawals definitely had something to do with the psychosis yeah um because I was going to say if you've never dealt with psychosis like something to bring that on yes i you know i'm not making excuses i'm just i'm always trying to be analytical behind like what caused that right i think it was a mix of

alcohol withdrawals and the medication i was prescribed for those um and then I actually ended up getting arrested again. Which one? Which time? This is the man episode. Is that at home? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, we got into an argument.

We both called the cops on each other, actually, and they said they had to take one of us. Yeah. Yeah. And they took me they told him that they thought i was on heroin and meth she can't tell like the the pillar story cut this out or not no honey i don't know like no okay we'll cut that out we can cut it out we can cut out anything you guys want it's fine so I thought I was going to be going to jail

for sure like because she said that I was you know called the police because you had you had pushed me I don't want to talk about this because you have no idea how much it's going to trigger me because you have no idea how much you are I'm sorry it's okay let's take it let's take it every time we

have to talk about this it's always just about how terrible no no that's not my intention at all i'm sorry let's take a deep breath it's okay we're just here to tell you guys a story because you guys really um a lot of people look up to you guys online you know and i think it's really cool that people can see that you guys have been through some shit dude you know but i don't think we're pointing fingers at anybody i know i just i just that's what i was really feeling like no well i'm sorry you know because i'm i'm being very cautious about what i'm saying to make sure i'm not speaking anything negatively about you. And that's not one of my intentions at all.

What I was, what I was trying to get to is when they, they told me, cause I, if I can tell you anything, I have done some fucked up shit in my life. And trust me, if it helps anybody else in the world,

I have outed myself on this podcast. And of course, tell whatever you guys want that you're comfortable with. I've got you guys' back. You know, we'll cut out this whole entire situation. But I've learned that just talking about it is healing. And, you know, I don't think I'm not getting involved. But I didn't take it as him pointing fingers.

I took it as him just kind of you guys are telling a story of shit that you guys have fucking been through, man. Yeah. Like this is admirable. I'm like I have a newfound respect for you guys because of all the shit you guys have fucking been through man yeah like this is admirable i'm like i have a newfound respect for you guys because of all the shit you guys have been through this shit would tear people apart dude yeah you know and you guys are still here loving each other and being lights to everybody in the world so yeah yeah but whatever you guys are comfortable with i just want you to know don't ever feel embarrassed in this space ever.

Where were you? So basically I was just going to, so like, I was fully like intending on going to jail because you don't, like in those situations like where man, woman, husband, wife, like typically the male would go to jail. So I was preparing for that. And then the officer came up to me and said, no, husband, wife, like typically the male would go to jail. So I was preparing for that. And then the officer came up to me and said, no, she, um, you're she, she like an ex gymnast. And I was like, yeah, she, she, she was like, you know, and he's like, well, I think she's on some sort of drugs. He's like, she can't even do it. Um, walk in a straight line. And, and like, at that point I was like drugs like what like that that

was the furthest thing from my like I knew that you know she'd been struggling with alcohol but like that was the first time that I heard that and like it was and he said so I'm gonna arrest her I'm taking her to taking her in and like it was just mind-blowing to me at that point like was were you still dating the guy that you had met in rehab the heroin addict kind of um and at this time i don't think i i don't know if i had started taking the suboxone so i started taking his suboxone okay gotcha so taking the dude's suboxone yeah which is doesn't get you high if you're a heroin user but if you're not right it'll get you high and so i think at that time though i don't know if

it i had me it was the very beginning if i had because i was completely sober they actually drew my blood when they took me into the station um and it it the but the cops came to the house and told him that they thought i was on heroin and meth and at that time i had, I had not started with that stuff yet because I did after. Yeah, it was like the next day. I think it was like a major manic episode. My mom said she talked to me in the jail cell. I called her, and she's like, it sounded like you were on every single drug possible. Have they ever tested you for schizophrenia?

My mom has schizophrenia, and that's how she was. She would split and, like, would not remember anything. Yeah. And, like, people would think she's on drugs. I've asked about it, and I've done. I just went through, like, this crazy intensive testing. And, like, I've thought about it, but it's never been that, no, that's not you.

But, honestly, I have no idea. Like, it's so hard when you. that's not that's not you but honestly I have no idea like yeah it's so hard when you have so many different doctors opinions yeah so hard what is hard yeah so they taught they drew your blood and the yeah I left the hospital they only just kept me in a drunk tank even though I was sober I've been in the drunk take, even though I was sober. I've been in the drunk tank many times, but not actually sober. Because I was on Valium from my alcohol withdrawals, but that's it. Right. So they let us out. And then that's when I found out, when I came back,

that's when I started drinking again. I started drinking, and he filed a restraining order on me. And I... You guys were still living together when he filed the restraining order on me. And I... You guys were still living together when he filed the restraining order? Yeah. I mean, it was his dad's house. So that's why, too, I always had to be the one to move out. And then there was, you know, I think you had gotten an attorney as well.

So at this point, there was attorneys that were involved, too. And, like, everything going on, like, the attorneys were just like, you need to do this. No, baby, I didn't have an attorney. I didn't have an't have an attorney i didn't have one yet no i couldn't afford one i i had an attorney throughout you know a lot of this and like because because i'm just telling them the things everything that's happening then they're just telling me what to do and like i'm like yeah i guess so okay like he didn't really like he didn't know what to do in this situation so he kind of trusted other people's opinions who maybe didn't have,

it was never like, Oh, let's try to get Brittany help. Like let's, let's, it was never the cause of her actions. It was just like, how can we punish Brittany?

What can we take away from her type of thing? Right. And so when the writing order was filed on me, I couldn't go home. I couldn't see or talk to the kids. All contact completely stopped. And so then I was out homeless. I ended up hanging out with that with the guy.

I started using heroin with him. I started using meth with him. And it was like two weeks that we were out homeless. I ended up overdosing. Oh, my God. Yeah um yeah he found me in the car and he were you using on your own after you guys it was it was just with him just with him yeah because i didn't really know how to yeah that's a jump type of drugs like i my thing was always alcohol but at that time i didn't like I didn't I didn't want

alcohol anymore because I had just lost everything right I couldn't I think it was like the pain of not being able to even call like the kids was so unbearable for me and so I just wanted to not feel like that and I don't really remember much that time, but remember him saying like, all I would do was just use and go in the shower and just cry for my kids. And then get like, just wake up and use. It was a very, it was a very rough two weeks. And,

um, he found me shooting it or. Yeah. Well, I mean, it started, it started smoking it. Right.

And then it was shooting it up the butt i love doing cocaine up the butt i've done i've done a few tootsies up there and then um yeah they actually the very last time i used it was it was iv it was in my arm and i'm thankful it was just that one time and it was the last time um but yeah i overdosed in the hospital and when i woke up in the hospital i was very weird because i'm now 30 30 years old and i'm waking up in a hospital again like what happened 10 years ago and i'm waking up in this hospital and realizing it's not getting better yeah this is just like the same thing and i have nowhere to go and so i I have to go back to Wisconsin, even though I have this whole family, I built this whole life here in California.

I have to go back to Wisconsin again. And I'm very grateful that my parents did help me. They let me stay there for two weeks and, um, helped me get sober and that was cause that was the hardest time ever. Um, my, it was just very, it was very difficult. I mean, uh, that somewhere around that time, that's when you, you came to the realization too, that like the restraining order said like the verbiage on like the, it said like you, there could be a chance like you couldn't see the kids for how long?

So no, it wasn't even the, yeah, it is the verbiage on the restraining order, but it was the attorney. So I'm trying to find an attorney now cause I'm newly sobered trying to come. thankfully I didn't have to go to detox or anything because I wasn't drinking as much I was using more and yeah it was still rough but I was able to get that time sober safely at home and um uh all right sorry I just totally lost my train of screen you were talking about uh you were trying to find a lawyer because you were really sober and when i was calling um because it was a domestic violence restraining order that was on me like these attorneys were telling me that it could be

three to five years before i saw my kids again and um i just like that was the most painful thing to have to hear sober you know i couldn't numb those anymore because if I did, like that's just going to bring me backwards. And I finally found one attorney who said, you know, that's not going to happen. Like there's no way that's going to happen. And you're going to get to see your kids. And so I paid for him and we started the process. And I honestly did everything I had to do I started going to drug tests I got an at-home breathalyzer I just started doing anything my power to prove my

sobriety um your kids were worth it yes yeah they were and thankfully we showed up from that it was a restrict that was like a month later so we I only had to be without them for 28 days because when we went back to court actually like our attorneys had you know I um had realized how much I had put in they realized that I wasn't the only one like we both had toxic sides of us um you know my side is was the only one that was like really talked about and stuff but we both had that and they you also made the decision to drop the restraining order right yeah and then I actually got legal custody back that day they didn't know they didn't have a house yet it was like it was very

fast and so I was like now what do I do like I have legal custody back but I'm nowhere for the kids and so that's when my mom decided she was just gonna up and stay here in California with me and help she so she left my dad her whole life and job in Wisconsin to help me get back on my feet again out here. She wanted to see you do good. Yes. Yeah. She was like, you're not going back this time. Yeah.

She was like, I'm coming out and I'm going to watch over you. Yep. You needed that support system during that time, though. Yeah. Yeah. No, I really did. She was a huge help. So going on from here, how are you guys doing?

Are you guys mending your relationship or are you how are you feeling about this way um at this point i don't think we i think it was just like still we were kind of in shock like of everything and like at least from my my perspective like there was a lot when i got sober yeah there was still a lot of like resentment and there was a lot lots of anger and like and so i bet it was we're doing like you know what's it called like where you you know drop the kids off yeah and like just so many emotions at least yeah and probably from your end too but yeah you guys still loved each other yeah you can't hate somebody and i wanted i would have said no at the time but yeah i wanted to be friends i wanted to have like a cordial relationship and

i think for him it was that was it was too hard because he still he loved you so hard yeah yeah and yeah so you guys had three at the time right yep yeah okay and we ended up having to go like completely no contact because it did get pretty you guys are passionate pretty rough and so we did we went no contact and that's when i got sober that's when i started tiktok i started my tiktok oh just really making some not so nice videos of him. And like looking back, like that's one thing like I, I know I shouldn't have done, you know, but that time that's how I chose to heal at that time. Yeah.

Would I have done it today? No, because I imagine, I can't imagine like how much that hurt to have to see those. And I didn't, I wasn't even thinking about the kids having to see that. Like I, I mean, we all make mistakes online, you know? And I mean, and then like I mean we all make mistakes online you know and I mean and then like I we both had that healing journey so I was doing my own thing too and so and but yeah that yeah I got into like a it's called like the dad's edge she was like a podcast Larry Hagner podcasts and from there there was like a group with with you know fathers so like

you know didn't matter if they were divorced or not but like there was a single dad's group within that and like i just really like and this was like during like covid too so lots of virtual friendships and like strong relationships i got to build with like-minded therapy therapy yeah and just and and then i stopped drinking too even though i didn't said i had a problem i just decided to just completely go sober and um really just kind of like hit my emotions and like all that all those wounds just kind of like face them head on yeah um and i got i got sober i stayed in aa i got a job through a treatment center from my TikTok and was still living with my mom in the trailer park. But we were like, we were happy. Everything was good.

What were you doing at the treatment center? I was doing community outreach. So it was a treatment center in Ohio who I no longer work with anymore. That was kind of a rough ending. But I learned how sketchy the treatment center industry was, and I learned how oblivious I was when they hired me in the beginning. And it just really hurt me to just see for myself just how greedy all these people are for money off addicts. So I quit and but I did really like my job when I got to actually help people yes it really was it was like I thought you know God had answered all my prayers and because this

is what this was my passion what I wanted to do just helping people yeah I love that it gives you a sense of self worth yes yep and so you're on TikTok you're taking jabs are you on TikTok me no I mean I had a TikTok

like I've always aspiring videographer but like I didn't go and look at her stuff. And then I think we both started dating. Yeah, we both did. Healthy relationships? She's like, no, I like. The only person that I had feelings for, I met him on TikTok.

I actually ended up being a girl. I got catfished. Oh, okay. Yeah, that was a whole ordeal. Like MTV catfish actually called was going to do a show on it. And thankfully, because of TikTok, they all figured it out. What? Yeah. And this woman had been catfishing for other there was four of us. So that was like, how does that happen? I don't she was able to change her voice. She didn't even use like a voice changing thing. She could just change her voice to make it sound.

But you never FaceTimed her? She never wanted to, right? No, I know. Everyone's like, Brittany, that's a red flag if you won't FaceTime with you. But I'm like, it's fine. I'm not looking for anything serious. Oh, my goodness. But yeah, the one of them I'd have been talking to.

It was only six weeks. I talked to him. Some of these other girls, one of them was three years. Three years. I don't understand that. You don't see somebody for three years. Did they get money out of you guys? No. But they sent gifts to my kids for their birthdays

and it was very strange. People on the internet are fucking weird. Yes. I hate to do this, but can I use the restroom? Of course. You're good. No, you're good we can keep going um so okay you guys are complete no contact you're on tiktok you're working at a treatment center take me from there so when i when i started from started tiktok in june of 2020 everything happened very fast for me. I had a million

followers by December. So it was like six months. And I went from literally, it was a huge change for me from like, get, you know, going from nothing with the kids and having $0 to my name. And, and then all of this amazing things happening. It was just, it was a lot to happen. amazing things happening um it was just it was a lot to happen and so 2021 then was um that's when we actually got back together we had um I dropped the kids off uh it was Thanksgiving and um we decided you know we both said like we need to get along for the sake of the kids like this has been long enough like we need to do this we're both adults and it was okay for a little bit we did family stuff and then it wasn't long till we realized like wow you've changed a lot in this last year and vice versa we both had done a lot we both were finally able to apologize to each other because for so long like i just had to hear

you know that it was always my fault and i knew that the majority of our problems and was my fault but i knew that it wasn't all my fault yeah it takes two to tango yeah and um i think it was very healing for me when he apologized to me and, you know, and just being able to know. And it was crazy. And at this point, we had spent $100,000 on this whole separation because it was no contact. We had to go through our lawyers for everything. And it was, whew. You guys are very passionate. So I can only everything and it was oh so you guys are very passionate so i can only imagine how the sparks fly for you guys that's what keeps drawing you

guys back to each other when's your birthday january 8th oh you're a capricorn okay and when's your birthday it was just two days ago april 11th aries and taurus that's what my manager and her uh husband are are you and Jason very passionate? Of course. She said of course. We don't talk about their sex life. I get that. It's just a super passionate relationship and that's what keeps bringing you guys around.

I'm sure you guys have some sort of spiritual bond too that keeps bringing you guys back to each other. Twin flames, for sure. You guys are what real twin flames are. When people think it's all cute, like, oh, we definitely twin flames for sure yes you guys are what real twin flames are yeah like when people think it's all cute like oh we're twin flames like no twin flames go through some shit dude like you guys are mirrors to each other you guys fucking tear each other down just to build each other back up and that's exactly what a real twin flame is my husband and i did that to

each other too so yep yeah and we just decided that this is what we wanted to do and you know we knew that we had we had gone to um marriage therapy and we knew before before we got married yeah were you guys still dating other people no deciding to rekindle okay no but that was that was the hardest part about know, coming back together was realizing now we had both been with other people and having to get through that. We didn't know if that was going to be something we could get over, but we were pretty open with what we talked about it. Like, OK, what do you want to know? Like, if anything, and like and then we just decided like we're gonna set you know okay that that's where we're gonna draw the line and like we're not talking about not gonna look back anymore and

and move forward and start this new life because it wasn't even like we were like rekindling our past life right it just it seemed so different right um we had both really taken accountability for both of our actions. And we were ready to start this new life together. I'm proud of you guys. Thank you. You guys have been through some fucking shit. Oh, my God. We really have.

That was a roller coaster. Yes. And that's wild. I know. I'm so proud of you guys. Thank you. That's really cool. It's really admirable.

I'm very grateful because. People don't fight for love anymore. Yeah. You know, and you guys have fought really cool. It's really admirable. I'm very grateful because. People don't fight for love anymore. Yeah. You know, and you guys have fought for love. Yes. He's stuck with me through some pretty crazy times that I know others wouldn't. So I'm very, very grateful. So you guys end up having a fourth baby.

No, we didn't. No, you didn't. You guys only have three. Why do I think you guys have four? Why do I think you guys have four? I don't know. But that was funny because when you said you just had the three at this time, I was like thinking in my head, I wonder if she thinks I have another one.

I don't know why I thought you guys have four. That's crazy. I got to do better research. No. So you guys are back together. You guys are thriving. Are you sober now? Like, how does that work?

I know you're going on. You're sober, right? I am, yeah., I know you're, you're going on, um, you're sober, right? I am. Yeah. Okay. And you're doing like a mental health journey because I've been watching that on Tik TOK. Like, yes.

Take me on this journey with you. Like how has sobriety treated you? Because I know getting sober, people are always like, oh yeah, sobriety is great. No, the fuck it's not. Yeah. You feel everything. Exactly. Everything that you've ever tried to run away from or numb

or hide comes out. And yeah, it's very hard. It's a battle. Yes. Yeah. I just celebrated three years sober. And the first year what it was like rainbows and butterflies. I was riding that pink cloud. It was really great because I just like a lot happened in that year you know and it was it was really great and then the second year was okay and third year was um I don't know the first year was really great and this full second year was when things went downhill again that's when I really realized yeah yeah that's when my mental health got really bad because I think I had thought this whole time that all of my problems were from alcohol and that once that alcohol was gone my problems were going to be gone but I very quickly realized that that was not the case and that you know I still have mental health

problems regardless if the alcohol is there or not and um now you're getting to the root of yeah has been causing or trying to, yeah, finally. Yeah. It's been a really long year actually right now this month is a year, like this is when my life started going downhill last year. And so I think like, oh, it's very, a lot of just these times like are, have been very like triggering.

I'm living in a lot of fear right now. Like what if that happens again? Like what if my life starts going downhill? And when I, when I think about it, like what, what happened? And, you know, obviously I've done a lot of work to try to figure this all out, but, um, so my account was, was just made in May. Um, and of last year. And and I I said that it didn't bother me I said I wasn't gonna look at it but in June I went into like a major major depression and I I honestly didn't know why I didn't think it was because of that at the time um but I learned you know through this whole year now was that's what it was it's so hurtful and I feel so bad for you online creators. I think Trisha Paytas, she gets it really bad, too. I think she's finally doing a documentary about it. Really?

You've got to start speaking. No, I think that's amazing. Yeah, it's I haven't talked about it, like how much it affected me, you know, but it really was. And I guess I can refer to it just instead of like the, you know, you know, well, you know the cyber bullying it's very extreme and I it gets it got to a point to me where um like I started believing these things that that people were saying about me and a lot of them were just making fun of my appearance and um which those were like kind of petty you know it did end up affecting me but it was more so like people saying I wasn't sober and like I literally would question my own sobriety. And it wasn't like that at the beginning,

but after months and months and months like that. They're really good at like pushing buttons and figuring out what gets under certain creator's skin the best. And then that's what they default to and they go to. And like it's just such a disgusting way to do life. Yeah, it's really gross. But it's damaging. Yeah, it's really damaging.

And I remember it was June of last year, but I remember I did a lot of research on how this could stop. How can this stop? And the only way that anyone who is cyberbullying can be held accountable for what they're doing is if someone loses their life over it. And so I remember like driving in the car and thinking that because at that time, you know, a lot of my friends had been going through it, too. You know, Demps had an account, my friend. Oh, they're relentless on Demps, dude.

Oh, fucking Demps, I know. And I remember like it was just so painful to see like so many people I love also go through it. And I, I don't know. I just thought in my head that this was what had to be done that I had to take my life because, um, so that, and it's just so sad. Cause I just know that was like straight devil taught telling me that. Cause I know that's not true but these people that bully are from the devil too yeah they think they're doing like this higher calling of holding people accountable for yeah which is fucking like who the fuck are you to hold anybody accountable yeah you can't even show your goddamn face right you know like come on and I'm sorry I don't mean to

keep using the lord's name in vain but it just just makes me so mad. Yeah. You know, like it's wrong for you to, to actually think about taking your life because people are saying such hurtful things about you. Like if you there, if you had done that, your blood would be on those people's hands when they die and they go to hell or they go to heaven. Those people's blood are on your hands there has been a couple tiktokers who have um committed suicide or overdosed and had it was a lot to do with like extreme amount of hate and it was it's so sad um that's like when i when i started feeling better from that that's what i really felt called to to do and and to help was to talk about that but almost at about the same time as that that's when I made really

bad mistake about posting a video that I didn't understand the fully the context of it clearly um and I don't think you know I realized it ten minutes after I posted it ten minutes after I posted it. 10 minutes. I saw like three comments. There was only 10 comments. I saw three comments and someone had said, and so maybe we should, obviously this is a trigger warning.

You know, I feel like I can't even talk about this though, you know, because I haven't gone through it, you know? And I'm sorry because I know that you have, right miscarriage yes yeah and it's so hard for me to even so I don't even know I don't even know if we talk if no it's okay and I think I think what um is a way to talk about the situation is to see how hurt you are even talking about it oh my god I know it like and you literally have brought it up and each time you've talked about it, you've apologized. I feel like everybody makes mistakes.

And what you did, of course, wasn't right. We all fuck up. We all post shit we shouldn't have posted. A lot of you guys are new to this online shit. So it's like you don't know what the rules are. We're so dumb. the fact of the matter is i'm i'm equal to blame here but i don't have that number yeah so like his name and my name like so but like i but i deleted it i deleted it within 10 minutes right i apologize to everyone and i'm thinking okay like it's fine i apologize to the

people who saw it, right? Well, no, they went, posted it over on my page, and then posted it on the TikTok page. And then, of course, everyone in the TikTok page had posted it back on TikTok, which is really where it all got. When people had no idea that I was only up there for 10 minutes and um you know at that time I had a really real and I don't think I even fully realized the how many people I had hurt and the extent because I hurt like a community of people whom I would never want to hurt who have experienced more pain than I will I could ever imagine um and so I think it's okay to be sorry though, and to learn from your mistake and who are we as mere mortals standing right beside you to sit here

and just keep telling you that you made a mistake over and over and over again. That's not fair. And that's where the internet is wrong. Yeah. You know, like that's where it's like nothing brings people together more than hate yeah you know and it's sad but everybody wants to just be the person who points the finger and it's like when you have a million millions and millions of them pointing at you they don't know what that feels like because they don't have the platforms we do yeah you know that shit is brutal yeah so take me down that journey with your mental health how are you feeling I know that you took a break on yeah right yeah you know I've realized now that like I know God has God has forgave me for that and so I do forgive myself for it I think I'm just I've so much

feeling though for people that it still is is going to be a lot. But, um, yeah, you know, after that I took a break for a while. We didn't know, we, we didn't know what our, what our future was going to be like. I didn't know if I would have a platform. I didn't know if we'd be able to get through this. Um, it was very unsure because our, when I stopped working, our income stopped working because he was a stay-at-home dad and helped me with all that. And I tried to get into a treatment center, but we couldn't afford it, basically. Long story short, thankfully, I did find a nonprofit foundation that actually I'm speaking for them tomorrow in Vegas. But they helped me find a doctor to get into where I could go and get this testing. And it took like six weeks to do the testing. And I got a diagnosis and I started

going to therapy and getting help. I've tried medications. What was your official diagnosis? So my official diagnosis, which I don't even talk about because I'll tell you in a second, but I did a little bit is, um is MDD, so major depressive disorder. And they qualify it as severe. So severe major depressive disorder, ADHD, BPD, DPD, which is dependent personality disorder, and with showing signs of current PTSD from that. But we found out, like the time I did that

testing, I was going through a lot of trauma. And so my psychiatrist that I see doesn't know if it's actually that she thinks I'm bipolar still. And so it's like, I've spent months like trying to get help and find answers when really it just led me to being more confused. And so I've really had to just like work on what I can fix and change about myself. And which is going to therapy, you know, getting up, choosing to get up out of bed every day. And because that that depression was really, really hard on not only me, but our whole family. Yeah, I think I saw that you had like moved away from your family for a couple of yeah I yes I had to it was it was just I had to leave um a couple times just I had been starting a new medication and one of the side effects was

psychosis and because of my last psychosis, I was terrified. So that was the main reason why I, and I just, I was not okay. You know? How do you feel whenever she has to leave? Do you understand it now? And you kind of give her the room to do that? Yeah. I wouldn't have before, but like this time, like it was, you know, was, like, she came back like a different person.

And then we were more connected, too. But, like, I just feel like, you know, this last time when she did it, like, I completely understood why. And she was able to be, you know, she's sober, you know. So, like, she was able to verbalize why she was doing it. And, like, it just, that's a huge part in probably why. It's growth. Yeah, you guys are growing yeah i think you know i'm finally i'm finally in a better place but i also know like with my history like it's just like it's it's a battle it really is mental health is a battle and you have to fight it every day.

It really is. I remember seeing like a comment, someone left on a video, like through that, through that time, there's so many videos being made about me. And someone commented and was like, I went to elementary school with Brittany. She's always been unstable. She's always had mental health problems. And that was like a big wake up call to me. Cause I was like, yes, honestly, ever since I was like yes honestly ever since she's like I feel seen yes like that is the truth um and I think because my TikTok happened so fast like people painted me out to be like this perfect person because of how it happened and when people realize that I am just as flawed and as everyone else, like it, it caused a war for a bit,

you know, parasocial relationships are, um, very real. Well, I'm proud of you guys. This has been a journey to listen to. Yeah.

I love it though. Just seeing you guys sit here and be able to stand through the fire together like you have is just so admirable. And I know I keep saying that, but but like I said nobody fights for love anymore and I think you guys are inspirational to people who are in toxic relationships and that are in twin flame relationships that you can get through it and there is growth and you know you guys are setting a really good example most importantly you're setting a good example for your kids yes you know they get to see that mom and dad fought for love and you know hung in there and mom's fighting for sobriety

dad's fighting for sobriety like you guys are checking all the boxes you guys are really doing it thank you so 2023 what do we have to look forward to with the family oh my gosh honestly like last year was so busy i was like, doing girls trips and it was so busy. Yeah. If you guys came here to hear about mom talk, go fuck yourself. I am not talking about mom talk. You bitches are crazy. OK, so sorry. But no, I'm not friends with anyone anymore. Oh, well, OK. There we go. Done. That's all. We're leaving it at that. Oh, well, okay.

There we go. Done. That's all. We're leaving it at that. Yep. Yeah, we don't really have like a ton of, like just really slowing down. I think that's what.

How about enjoying each other? Yes, exactly. Being able to love each other correctly. Living in the moment. And so I started a new job now too. Yeah, I did see that. It's going to kind of change the whole dynamic of things, which it has. So you weren't working. You guys were just completely stay at home when we first got back

together for like what two and a half years there i basically stopped working at my old job you guys needed that though to rebuild and just yeah and i was making enough i was making good enough money to where we could do that but it was very it was very stressful on our marriage like oh yeah only working together like yeah oh yeah i work with my husband yes and so now we're more like equal it just feels like things are a lot smoother and it it does we don't spend he goes to work now 40 hours a week away from home and but it's been good for our for well it makes you miss them too so when he's around you appreciate him more yeah it really is we spent 24 7 together and so we it's been nice to miss you likewise i love it well you guys fucking enjoy the shit out

of each other just take this year the rest of this year to just love on each other and you know you guys have been through so much shit what are you guys gonna do in nashville tonight go out with demps we are she's taking us to like a oh you know you were invited there too yeah to cadence yes so that's where we're gonna go because without her i was like babe are we just gonna go walk down broadway like by ourselves i don't know what to do here but demps is always a good time demps is gonna take us we're gonna have fun so i'm excited well thank you guys for coming on the podcast thank you so much for having us I was so excited to learn that you are also a sober queen yeah baby I think sobriety is sexy it really is I've never been embarrassed of it I love when people are like you're sober and I'm like fuck yeah

yep yeah yeah I think it's sexy it's a a badge of honor. It really is. It makes us very, very special. Yeah. I love that. Well, Brittany, I can't wait to see what you do on this journey. I can't wait to see what both of you guys do on the rest of this journey.

And anytime you guys want to come back on and sit on the couch and talk, I will have you. Yay. Thank you so much. Shout out where everybody can find you on your socials. Uh, Brittany Jade, Brittany Jade with some underscores.

Yeah. Instagram, tick tock. Honey, uh, your socials uh britney jade britney jade with some underscores yeah instagram tiktok honey uh zabo zoo you're gonna have to spell that out so it's our last name zabo s-z-a-b-o and then zoo for our tiktok and then uh instagram's wyland zabo love it yeah awesome thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of dumb blonde. I will see you guys next week. Bye.