Dumb Blonde - Dumb Blonde Podcast: Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: April 23, 2026

Throwback Thursday (Originally aired: 1/4/26)This week, Bunnie Xo sits down with comedy powerhouse Bert Kreischer for a wildly unfiltered conversation that goes everywhere—and then some. Bert opens up about his recent health and weight-loss journey, including experimenting with Mounjaro, peptides, and GLP-based treatments, along with the very real (and very graphic) side effects no one warns you about.The two also dive deep into mental health, sharing candid experiences with OCD, anxiety, medication, and exposure therapy. Bert breaks down his long-standing rituals, flying anxieties, and the routines he’s stuck to for years, while both reflect on how vulnerability, social media, and public scrutiny impact their lives behind the scenes.Of course, it wouldn’t be a Bert episode without stories about marriage, intimacy, past relationships, marijuana, and the evolution of his comedy career—from early fame to what’s next, including a new Netflix special on the horizon. They also touch on family dynamics, reality TV hypotheticals, and Bert’s upcoming Netflix series, The Legend of Bert, premiering January 22.Equal parts hilarious, honest, and unexpectedly heartfelt—this episode pulls back the curtain on fame, fear, and figuring it out in real time.Bert Kreischer: WebsiteWatch Full Episodes & More: YouTubeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I've been doing a little spring closet reset lately, trying to be more intentional about what I'm actually wearing, less clutter, more pieces that I reach for all the time. That's honestly why I keep going back to quince. Everything just feels elevated without being complicated. The fabrics are really nice. The fits actually make sense and the pricing doesn't make you feel like you're being robbed just to have something quality. They use premium materials like 100% European linen, organic cotton and super soft denim. But most pieces start around $50, which still kind of surprises me. Their spring stuff especially has been on repeat for me. It's lightweight, breathable, and just easy. Like you can throw something on and still look put together without trying too hard. And it's not just

clothing. Their accessories are really good too. I've been loving their leather bags lately. They're made from 100% hand-woven Italian leather and genuinely look way more. expensive than they are. What I also like is that Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middleman, so you're actually paying for the quality, not just the label. I've been living in their loungeware lately, like the kind of sets you can wear around the house, but also throw on with sneakers and go out in. Their crazy, soft, hold up really well, and don't have that cheap fill you usually get with basics. Refresh your spring wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com slash B-N-N-I-E for free shipping and 365-day returns.

Now available in Canada too. Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash bunny for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash bunny. I'll be real. Investing was never something I avoided. I just wasn't consistent with it. I had money coming in, but I wasn't really thinking about making it grow. It always felt like something I'd sit down and figure out when I had time and I never had time.

That's why I like using acorns. It takes all of that off my plate. I can set what I want to invest daily, weekly, whatever, and it just runs in the background while I'm doing everything else. And once I started seeing that potential growth over time, it really clicked for me. Like, okay, this actually adds up. I also love that everything is in one place, savings and investing.

It just keeps it simple and organized. Now I feel like my money is actually doing something for me instead of just sitting there. And honestly, that's a really good feeling. One of my favorite features is being able to adjust my investments whenever I want. It's super easy and it makes it feel like I'm in control without having to overthink anything. Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus investment. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion with Acorns.

Head to Acorns.com slash B-U-N-I-E or download the Acorn. Acorns app to get started. Paid non-client endorsement, compensation provides incentive to positively promote acorns. Tier 2 compensation provided potential subject to various factors such as customers' accounts, age, and investment settings does not include Acorn's fees. Results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorn's portfolio investment. Results will vary. Investing involves risk. Acorns and Advisors LLC. And SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures at acorns.com slash bunny. Is this thing on? You guys, I have the machine sitting on my couch and I have been trying to get him here for

years. He's finally in Nashville. He came to grace us with his presence. Mr. Burke Kreisher. I am so happy to be here. Dude, I love that you're barefoot and that you're comfortable. Are you going to take your shirt off? No, by the way, I'm, oh, wow.

He's like, we're starting off heavy. You know, I got back up to 275. Oh, did you? Yeah, I got back up to 275. And at 275, I filmed my whole, I think I filmed my whole TV show at 270. So like the TV show Free Bird that's on Netflix, it's coming out January 22nd. I was, I was, I was overweight. Like I was the, I want to say I was the fattest I've ever been, but I was in top five fattest.

Right. My best friend Tony Hernandez was like, pulled me aside. He's like, I just want you to know, man. I did love. when you were the skinniest you've ever been. I can't tell the difference. Oh, because your tummy is always just... Because I always look the same.

But I just started the Mangarno. Have you started the Monjaro? Yeah, Manjaro. Majaro. And I'm down 20 pounds in two weeks. Wow. Does it affect your eating or anything? Oh, my joy?

Yeah. Yeah, my sparkle's gone. Yeah. The razzled, dazzle, that life has disappeared. I sit there like a zombie all day. People go, you want a sushi? And I go, I could just have a glass of water. And then you just have a glass of water.

drink that glass of water and you're full. And you're full and you're like, you know what I had last night for dinner? Which was by the way. And this is crazy. The most enjoyable thing I've had in a very long time. Toast. Toast with butter slaps though. Toast with butter. Toast with butter. And it was heaven. Heavenly. And I had one piece of toast and I went, I feel great. Have you ever tried to have you tried to Reda? Reda true try. Reda to tried is the new GLP. P3, which I'm going to start taking it tomorrow. Why? I'm fucking ready.

Listen, I got an ass to lose, all right? I got the Brazilian ass that I need to lose. But it's supposed to shred you, but without all the side effects of, like, Mangero and tri-eppatite and all that stuff. The side effects are aggressive. I got into a huge blowout fight with Ila and Leanne. They got a three-way fight. They were in the car.

That's a gang fight. And it's not fair. Because Ila's done none of the research, right? She's just a talking head. for Leanne. Whatever Leanne says, she goes, you got to listen to Mom. She has all the answers, dad. And I'm like, she does not have all the answers. Listen, I don't know. Leanne is pretty all-knowing. I love. I'm a Leanne fan over here. You know that. Yeah, I know. But, you know, it's like I've spent so much time with the woman. It's like, we're empty masters now. So like, we spend all our time together.

Yeah. And I, there are things that she thinks she knows about, that she doesn't know about, But only, and I got her to, like anything working out, she's got to train her for like four years, five years. Man, you think she took CrossFit 101. She's like, she says wild shit sometimes. And I'm just like, babe, I've known you for 21 years. You just learned about stretching four years ago. So yeah, but yeah, but they got my ass.

What was the beef about, though? About the side effects. So, you know, I have two doctors. I have a longevity doctor and a cardiologist. And my cardiologist said, he's one that prescribed it. He did a Dexas scan and he's like, he goes, listen, man, your blood work's fine. And I'm not prescribing it for your blood work. I'm prescribing for your visceral fat.

He's like, that's the dangerous fat. And you're holding 90 pounds in your stomach. Wow. And he was like, it's crazy, but you've got to get rid of that 90 pounds. If we can get it to 40 pounds, that'll be incredible, which is still 40 pounds in your gut is a lot. No, it's a lot. Actually, I've been studying peptides because I'm like, I'm taking. BCP and SS31 right now, so I'm like a real nerd about peptides.

Me too. I don't know what they do. I do not know what a mitochondria is. But she does. There you go. What the fuck? I'm sitting here going, my mitochondria is kicking ass. I have no idea what a fucking mitochondria does.

My mitochondria is turned up. No, that's how I feel. But they have one that that, that literally does the visor. Do we have the same longevity doctor? We might, but how do we go from being party animals to having fucking longevity doctors in the first place. Like, Bert, help. And how unrelatable, are we?

Like, what is happening? This morning, I took my Mungerno, my testosterone, SS31 before I went to bed. Are you taking SS31? Oh my God, I love that. That is fucking amazing. Dude, that's- I'm an expert on keeping refrigerated medicine. I just bought a mini-fridge to put in my bathroom so I could keep all my peptides in them.

I'm like a German scientist in the 80s just getting athletes from one. someplace. It is great. This is so bizarre. No, the whole peptide craze is insane, but there is one that is strictly for visceral fat, which is what I was going to tell you about. It's called Tessmoreland. I have some at the house. I can give you the vial of it. If you want to do the research before you take it, I've done all the research, but it shrinks visceral fat. And that's specifically what it's for was zero side effects of the, like the Mangaro's and the GLPs. That's what I'm looking for. Right now, I travel with the trainer just to keep lifting weights because they say that it tears down muscle.

I mean, like, I mean, I have a friend. Everyone knows him, but he did the GLP ones. And I watched his muscle disappear because he wasn't lifting weights. And so I was like.

And that's what Reta is good for too. Reda allows you to shred but keep your muscle mass. Oh, I love it. Yeah. We're gonna turn you out, buddy. Yeah. All right.

Landed one round, one shot of Manjaro. Oh gosh. One shot one time. I think it was for, it was for something else. It was blood work needed. And she just got skinny and looked amazing and then kept it there.

Leanne is tiny as hell. I know. She's just a tiny little package. So I couldn't imagine. I did tri-septide and I shit so much. My butthole hurt on a tour bus. Bert. It's crazy those shits.

You don't pick when they come. No. And you can't control it. Have you ever had to catch your shits in a bag? You mean hot bag it? Yes. Oh, yeah. Tri-Zepatite shits though.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let's be very clear. Close your eyes if you need to if you're not driving. Transepatite shits smell like the kind of shits that a guy that's fall next to you has to say something. Like, dude, what did you eat? It is they are why. If, now if it's your shit, it's enjoyable. In a hot bag situation, I cannot imagine that I wouldn't be dry heaving. No. And it's heavy. I would bring it out of the bathroom and make them hold it because I was like, dude, this is a pound. I lost seven. pounds the first week I did tri-zepatide. Dude, it was me. Dude, a tri-septide. I've, I can justify. I've taken, like, I've taken crazy

shits that, I took a shit in Japan one time and it was so bad, the guy in the stall next to me threw up. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. And it was true. And it was like, no, it's a bidet. Press a button. So you take shits like my husband.

The trizapidid ones were like... It's like, and they're logs. And they... And mine were coming out like crude oil. Oh. The beginning of the Beverly Hillbillies when he shoots at the goat and moves.

Oh my God. Man. No, it's rough, dude. People don't talk about like that aspect and that side effect of the GLPs and the GLP ones and threes and stuff like that.

Can I tell you something I'm very proud of that you just said that and I, and it's because we share a life. Like me and I think it's why me, you, Jellie and Leanne have a closeness. Yeah. is, which is, it's crazy. It's not, it is, it's earned.

It's not, it's not like, it's not like we met on a red carpet for whatever reason. Yeah. We all connected, for real. But there's a thing you said when you go, you know, when you hot bag it. And then there's, and that's earned. That's earned. You don't, no one, half the people don't know what we're talking about. No.

Like, what do you talk, so on tour buses, you're not allowed to shit. So what you do is you take like a, a grocery bag, like the kind you get at the store. I prefer the, yeah. I like those. or I like the black, the big black bag so you don't have to see it. Oh. Those are my favorite.

Yeah. And then you put that over the toilet seat and you dip it into the toilet and then you shit into that bag and then you take it and you wrap it up and then you get rid of it. That's how you shit on tour buses. My daughter, Isla,

called me. She was like, she was like, I mean, it was fucking hysterical. She calls and she goes, hey, how do I turn the water on in our house? And I was like, I don't know. I call your mom. I have no idea, but I go, don't shit.

She goes too late. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, I didn't know the water wasn't wrong. And I took a log. What am I supposed to do? And I was like, get a bunch of water, flush it down, right? But then, but then there's a joke there that I'm going to leave for the stage. But then, like a couple days later, I said, has the water been turned on?

And she goes, no, we can't figure out how to get it turned on. Don't worry, dad. I've been hot bagging it. A couple days later? A couple days later. She's got this log just floating. Oh, no, no, no. I mean, if we're going to share, I think she got a rubber glove and got it pulled it out and threw it into the neighbor's yard.

God. Yeah, yeah, that's my kid. At a girl. At a girl. Yeah. But she goes, yeah, they had a couple days or a day that they didn't have the water on. And I said, how have you been taking? She goes, I've been a hot bagging it.

That's a kid that grew up on tour buses. Yeah. And that's earned. Yeah. No, that's a life choice that you make. That was one of the hardest things that we had to get used to on tour, especially sharing a bus because of my bus, I bring out my own bus with Jay. So it's all women.

So we have our periods. We all shit. And then we have two bathrooms that we have to use between all of us and it is insane. But when we're all on fucking tri-seppatide,

who fully loaded. Fully loaded. Fully-loaded, buddy. All right, I want to play a game with you, Bert. Please. Okay, he said, please.

It's a rapid fire game and I want you to tell me if this is a porn category or an energy drink flavor. I think I'm going to be pretty good at this. Okay, okay, all right. What's your favorite kind of porn? So...

We talk about this all the time. Okay. And we're, and we're, there's an open book. Oh, yeah, I know. She loves 80s bush porn. Oh. I can see that. Jaime likes cat porn.

Cat porn? Yeah, he's totally into cats. Very vanilla. Very vanilla over here. What's cat porn? I like to watch cats lick each other and like, yeah, not in a creepy way. Okay.

First looking at me like, please say you're kidding. Can we turn the air on here in here? I'm laughing. so hard. I'm fucking, like, sweating. Kyle may be standing outside the door with coffee. Someone let him know. Okay, okay, because, okay, keep mo. So my, so I was always into porn, but I, and I didn't, I was in the generation that got to discover porn. Where porn showed up and we had dial up and you had to wait for it.

I'm the, how old are you, Bert? 53. Okay, I'm 45. So we're in the same era. And so then also, we got to discover the crazy genres of porn. I remember the first one. I stepped out of the box and I was like, are you allowed to look at this in a hotel room by myself,

probably 2000, in 2000, I remember I was on my computer and it said pregnant porn. And I went, whoa, if I clicked that, do I get in trouble? Meaning do I get registered?

Right. So I'm at that, I'm at the frontier of porn. Right. So I got to try it all. I worked with the dominatrix one time and she gave me these crazy tapes. And I was like,

whoa. Okay, hold on. worked with the dominatrix? What were you working with her doing? She tortured me for like, so you hired her? No, I did it for a TV show for a TV show. Okay. I've had some dominatrix on the podcast. Oh yeah, Mistress Isabella. I had Mistress Nina. And she got me totally naked. I mean, I was dating at the time, totally naked, torture my balls, cock, everything, hot wax, electric pod. Are you into that? No. Not at all. Not in the sight of it. So you don't like any pain?

I'm not, no. I don't like. No. I don't like. pain. I love that Leanne and you are so cool, which we'll talk about this in a little bit, that she was just like, you know what? Go get your fucking balls played with by Adomatrix. $13,000 an episode. Exactly. So we, but at the end, she said, so we had a safe word. The safe word was marshmallow. She did one thing to me at the very end, and I said, marshmallow. And she went, it shouldn't hurt. And I said, no, I think I'm actually getting turned on and I don't want to be turned on. And she went, oh, oh. And then she gave me a bunch of tapes. And she goes, at the end, What was it that turned you on?

I think it was this thing. It was like she put me in like in like rubber, you know, or like latex or whatever. And then she had a tube in there and there was lube in the tube and she would move the lube over my body. And it just. Was your face completely covered too? No. I've seen that before. I think they were going to and I couldn't get to that point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was going to say, that's crazy. If that turned you on, you are a freaky freak. No, no, no. It was just that it was wrapped around my. stomach and then the lube was moving and my dick moved and I and I and it turned me on I went because it was like massaging you. Yeah. And I was like oh two more times of this and we're done.

Yeah. And so she gave me these tapes and so I that's when I explored. I was like oh wow, I'd never seen anything with BDSM or anything like that. Some of it I liked some of it I didn't, some of it I didn't understand. Then I understood that kinks are you don't get to control your kinks. your kink show up, you get branded or imprinted at an age where you, that's the first thing you see in for whatever reason that turns you on and you don't get to help it. It's why like dudes are into Quicksand porn. It's why some people are into like superhero porn. I just texted Leanne because I have like a little bit of a superhero, like a superhero fantasy.

I texted Leanne a TV show. We both grew up watching Elektra Woman and Dina Girl. And she was like, I grew up watching that and I was like, me too. I mean, dudes were jacking off to Shira, freaking Katra. I jerked off to the buglews. Yeah. Yeah, the girl.

Jim and the holograms. But the thing, so the thing, so then when I got to a grown age where I was dating Leanne, I had a disconnect from porn. The thing that turns me on in porn is, this is so weird. But anything visually I would see from Leanne, that angle turns me on. Does that make sense? So kind of explain it for the listeners at home. So, and we're going to get a little elicit,

but like say you're going down on a woman and the visual of you're seeing her breasts and her chin. That visual, that point of view, that perspective is what I like to watch. So like, I don't, I can't. Most women, most women hate that because when we look down, we have a double chin when you guys are down there.

Oh, I think it's like anything. anything that we would do perspective-wise I enjoy. Okay, so you like POV porn. Not even POV as much as just seeing what we would do. I can't watch something we wouldn't do because it pulls me out of it.

Okay, because it's like something you've never done before and it's not familiar. Yeah, and I'm at this point now where I, if, if, if, like, the, Leanne's going to fucking kill me. So I told her, I was like,

I was like, yo, porn wasn't doing it for me. And I was, I think it's because, She's so authentically her and the things that she has turned me on. So I said, Hey, I need close up pictures of your body parts. And I, for me.

Yeah. And she goes, no, you know, someone's going to get your phone. And so someone in our office showed us how to have a hidden folder. So I have a hidden folder. And they're just pictures.

You can't see the aunt's face, but they're pictures of her body parts. And now it's our inside joke. I text every, every morning. I text her, Our emoji for sex is a feather. So silly.

How did that come about? I got to hear this story. So. And first of all, that is so sweet that you have just an album of Leanne. I love the way that you love her. My husband and I just, I do a check-in video every week because I'm working really hard with this trainer. And he just told me the other day, he's like,

I love these weekly check-in videos. he said I literally jerked off to one in Australia. And I was like, that's so hot. Send me a video of you doing it next time. I think that's so hot when husbands, like, just really love their wives, you know? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's crazy. I didn't think I was going to be attracted to someone like Leanne.

Like, I always thought it would be blonde hair, tan, big tits. And then when I got naked with her for the first time, I'd never experienced that feeling where I, I've said this board. I don't know if it makes total sense, but I go, I felt like she was sharing a secret with me. Like I felt like she didn't get naked with a lot of people. Right. That energy I liked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But so. The feather. So we, by the way, I really wish Leanne was here. I know, me too. Should we call her? We could call her. No, she's in her workout class.

So we went to one night. I was working out with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the morning. And this is right when we started to get, we have two versions of sex. We have meat and potatoes. which is our whole, you know, life. We have meat, then having kids and meat potatoes, and then it's everything after Saddle Ranch.

Saddle Ranch is the moment things changed. One night of Saddle Ranch, we watched two kids walking to the bathroom to go have sex. She was like, what do I think they're doing? And I was like, they're having sex. She was like, what? I was like, yeah, they're going to have sex. We better do Coke and have sex.

Who knows? I was like, we used to be young. And that broke that woman. And we drove home from Saddle Ranch. She pulled the car into the carport Looked at me. We did not speak the whole ride Looked at me and goes, I ain't old yet And got naked in my car and fucked me in my car

And I from that, so there's everything after Saddle Ranch Okay. Go Ian. But there's still hints of Oldianne, right? So like, like Old Ian would be like, hey, We should try something different. You want me to tie you up? And she go, no. And then it was over and you were like, okay.

Yeah. So like, so we go to we go to Santa Monica because I'm working out with Arnold in the next morning really excited the movie's coming out a bunch of stuff's happening

we go and we're kind of exploring sexually we're starting to have more fun I can't get into too much detail but like and so we go to the shutters and they have an intimacy kit and I am very vulnerable I'm the reason I never talk during sex

because I never felt safe during sex during sex. I always felt like, I always felt like nervous and I didn't want you to know who I was. I wanted you to be cool with thinking of what I was. So I pull out the intimacy kit and we've had a couple glasses of wine or whatever and I go and I said, hey, they have a feather and she was like, yeah? And I go, you want me to rub you with a feather? And she went, no. And the way she said it shut me down and I went, okay. And then she saw that it hurt me. And I think she saw that that that wasn't the right direction for us with the girls leaving and all that and just me and her and then she was like she was like hey didn't mean like that and but she saw that I was hurt and she kind of like

rebounded and I was like listen I don't even want to have sex I just want to go to bed let's get I get early morning let's she's like hey no and so then that night this is the sweetest shit I've ever heard the feather changed everything and now it's uh I I have a feeling I'm wearing a feather hat right now as I say this. Yep, you are. I wish I picked a different hat. It was meant to be. It was meant to be.

It was meant to be. It was meant to be. So now we text feathers to each other and that's our like emoji is a feather. And then so it lasts yesterday. I texted her feather and then she goes, she called a media and then she goes, I'm driving. But don't you have that hidden album? And I was like, yeah. She's like, well, enjoy your hidden album.

I love Leah. She's amazing. If Leanne had to write a Yelp review. of you guys a sex life, what would she say? Okay, I'll be honest. I got pulled into the red light mask craze. Everybody was hyping it up like it was the next big thing. If you've seen my TikTok so you know.

So I thought, fine, I'm trying it. I wore it every night, just waiting for that glow-up moment. And nothing. No difference, no glow. Just me being consistent for no reason. Now I know why it literally couldn't work. Most of those masks are so underpowered. They're basically not even close to what the doctors use.

It's basically like expecting cute little light to give you real results. But real red light therapy, that's what you get with light stem ellipsa. This is medical grade made in the U.S. and actually used by dermatologists and esthetians, like over 60,000 of them. And now you can have that same treatment at home. I have the ellipsa, and I am obsessed. I'm getting the same anti-aging technology my doctor uses, but on my own time. And I could actually see and feel the difference. My skin looks smoother, more refreshed, just overall better. It's FDA cleared to reduce wrinkles and helps boost your natural collagen and elastin. And the best part, I'm saving time and money, not running to appointments all the time once you use the real thing.

There's no going back. If you want the same medical grade technology at home that doctors use to treat wrinkles in slow aging, go to Lightstem, spelled out L-I-G-H-T-S-I-M dot com. Use my code Bunny to save 10%. Again, that's code B-U-N-N-I-E at lightstem.com. Okay, can we talk about how unhinged online shopping has gotten for a second? Like, why do I have 47 different logins? All with passwords, I swear I've never seen in my life. And every time I go to checkout, it's like reset password, verify code, stand on one leg and spin around.

I'm over it. But then you see that little purple button at checkout and you already know. It's about to be easy. No digging for your wallet. No remembering passwords. no drama. You just tap it and boom, you're done. That right there, elite behavior. That's Shopify, and it's honestly one of the best things to happen to online shopping. And y'all already know, I use Shopify for my own site, bunnyxo.com. So I'm on both sides of it, shopping and running a business.

Shopify powers millions of businesses, big brands and small ones, and it just makes everything smoother. You can build your whole store exactly how you want it, keep everything on brand, and not feel like you need a tech degree to figure it out. They've got tools to help with everything. Product descriptions, photos, organizing your inventory, tracking sales all in one place. No bouncing between 10 different apps trying to make it all work. It just makes running a business feel doable. Using Shopify for my site has made everything so much easier, from uploading products to actually keeping track of what's selling. And as a shopper, that purple button alone has saved me more times than I can even explain. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner. Shopify and start

hearing sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash BUN and IE. Go to Shopify.com slash bunny. That's Shopify.com slash bunny. Is Bert speechless? This mom and pop's, this mom and pop restaurant has gotten so much better with AIDS. I love that. That is amazing. It's not for everybody. I love that you guys are empty nesters though and you can tell that you guys are so much closer and having so much fun because like I see you guys like running around Paris and just you're naked all the time and like clothes are strung around hotel rooms. Like I think that's so inspiring because how long have you guys been together? Georgia's 21. We had Georgia. Georgia was technically at our wedding. So we've been

together 21 years, but we were together two years before that, so probably 23 years. I mean, and to keep the love alive, especially in a Hollywood relationship is crazy. And the closeness that, like, she's your best friend. I can tell by the way that you talk about her. I'm always blown away by that, though. Yeah. Like, I always go, like, so I used to have this thing where I, if whatever relationship I was, I was never happy in relationships.

And I figured that was just what life was, but that you'd always want the bigger house, the bigger yard, the bigger, nicer car, and the better and the hotter wife and the, hotter girlfriend and the sexier girlfriend and that was what college was like for me I never was happy with where I was I used to have a saying I always wanted to be in the other car like I'd get in the car with my girlfriend and I whatever car I saw with another girl I go I wish I was in that car and the other day we're driving in Naples listen I'm not I'm not shit on my wife I'm just telling you like it is we're driving in Naples she's 56 55 55 56 we're in a convertible She's got her arms, she got a little dangle meat right here.

Her chin's like this. And she looks like she's got a scowl. She looks like a frog. And she's like, and she's got sunspots. And for whatever reason. She's got sunspots. For whatever reason, I'm just sitting there going, this is the car I want to be in. And I was like, I can't, I say that to her all the time.

I go, can you believe that I still love you? Like, it's crazy. You're not supposed to love someone this long. Like people get divorced and get new wives. I've seen it so many times. Yeah, we did too. But I'm like, for whatever reason. This fucking jalopy that I married, I fucking love.

It's so crazy. She makes you feel safe. You guys feel safe. And I don't care what anybody says. That other car gets old. The minute you get in that other car, guess what? That girl gets older.

That car gets older. Like you found your safe space. And that is so important, I think, in relationships where people don't realize, like, if you can laugh together, grow old together, fucking beat each other's like just sounding boards.

Like even when you guys have arguments, the way you guys resolve things, the, what did you guys call it, the pulpit or the summit, the summit, you know, like all of that. Like those are examples of what, and I find it crazy that you and Lee, well, you, Leanne, definitely, but you guys are great examples of what like a long lasting relationship should look like. It's healthy. I think we definitely have a healthy relationship. We have a very, you know, the thing I keep saying is like, you know, I don't know if I'd

have the interest in investing this much time with someone again. Like if I if something happened to our relationship And I can't imagine it ever happening But if something happened I would never want I don't care to invest this We have so many good inside jokes Yeah, it's like all I have to do to this woman is go Oh and she knows

It says that says 12 stories Yeah You know if If you like if I'm in a bad mood She can go poo poo pants And immediately I'm like god damn it So like there's so much nuance to the, the beauty of a long relationship is you have so many great inside jokes. And she's better than anything.

I mean, look, you know, you get your franchise playing years in every sport as a parent or as a person. I have my high school years. I have my college years. I have my young comedy years. I have my single comedy years. I have my dating years in Hollywood. I had my dating years of Leanne. I had married to Leanne.

I had dad. And now I have Empty Nest Dad. Out of all those years, I'd say my best years are happening right now. Right now are my best years. Her best years, without a doubt, and it gets her sad when I bring it up. She was the best mom, better mom than any of you've ever seen. This woman took it so serious to be a mom that she's created this crazy great relationship with our girls and me that she fostered.

She didn't have it growing up. She made it. That's what I was going to say. She was, you know, she's fucking still running Girl Scout troop meetings because when Georgia and Ila started Girl Scouts, there were girls in kindergarten wanting to be in and she didn't want to leave those girls. There's girls. My girls were in college.

Lynn's still a Girl Scout troop leader because she had a commitment to these kids when they were in kindergarten. No, she's the best. She's pretty awesome. I like her. She's the best. Can we talk about your dating life in Hollywood? before Leanne?

What was that like? It was a mess. It was so stupid. Explain to me what era of birth that was. That was. So just so we put everything on the table so we know where we're standing. I've only had sex with six chicks. Okay.

So I'm not. It's because the first time I had sex it went so poorly that I was like not doing that with anyone else unless I really trust them. What happened? Because I had the worst first time too. But I mean, we see where it landed me. So I want the complete opposite of you, Bert. I think when you have bad ones the first time and it's good for you.

Yeah, right. I think it creates, it creates texture. What happened? Can we talk about it? Yeah, it was, it was just, I mean, it's just, it's comedy, really. It's like, it's like American pie almost. How old were you? 17 years old.

I had thought about this. We were late bloomers. I didn't have, I didn't lose my virginity until 16. Yeah? Yeah. So, yes, I wanted it. 14, I was ready. I thought I was ready.

15, I'm like, okay, any minute now. At 16, I'm like, maybe I'm gay. I was like, why isn't this happening? What is happening? At 17, I was like, all right, I met a girl and I knew she had had sex. So I was like, all right, this is a possibility. We started dating. She was like the hottest girl at our school or at the girl's school.

I went to an old boy Catholic high school. And then that night we went to her friend's dad's crash pad. Like her dad had like a bachelor pad. I don't know. And double date. And then we watched Pet Cemetery. That'll get you in the mood. Yeah, right.

A case of Natty Light. And we went back to the room and I was, I went in, got her naked, went to put the condom on. And as I put the condom on, I'd never done it. So I unrolled it all the way and was like, whoa, that's what neighborhood did we buy this in? That's bigger than I thought it would be. I've never seen one. I never put a condoms on if you're not going to use one. And back in the day, they didn't teach us that in school.

No. Yeah, we didn't have sex ed. At an old boy's Catholic high school, do you know what they showed us freshman year? A third trimester abortion. Oh. On TV, we sat through and watched the whole abortion. Where was this? Jesuit high school.

In Cali? In Tampa. Wow. We watched a third trimester, everybody. That is when the baby is fully formed. I know. That's crazy. I can't even believe they did that.

Oh, my God. I can't believe it happened to either. To be dead honest with you, I texted Ty Rodriguez one time. I was like, did we watch an abortion as kids? And he was like, yep. But so I go to put the condom on and I just go, oh, you must slide it on, right? Is that? Because I remember Revenge of the Nerds when they were all the way enrapped and they went like this?

Yeah. I figured that's how you do it. Yeah. And then it filled with air. And I'm like, that can't be good because there's air trapped in there. So I'm trying to squeeze the air out. Now I'm making balloon animals down there. And then I'm like, all right, all right.

This condom's done. All right. So I get another condom. I put that on. That one, I remember putting the condom on felt good. I get on top of her and it's one. And on the withdrawal,

I just, I'm like, uh, was she a virgin to or she was, okay. She looked at me and said, are you going to put it in? My dick was between her butt cheek in the bed.

I didn't even fuck a person. Oh, my, Bert, I want to hug you right now. You poor baby. I'm 17 years old and I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, now listen, I can go into wild, great detail of how the next 30 minutes transcended. But suffice to say, I didn't have another condom.

We still had sex. It was a fucking nightmare. I mean, I could tell you things that you would not believe. I mean, it was so bad, top to bottom. I, it, I, I, but, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, but it's, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, but it's, like going, it's, like, it's, I, I, it's, like going, hey, you want to go for a hike, and someone's like, yeah, let's jump in the river, get our socks wet first, and you're like, oh, oh, this will be a fun hike. Oh no. I'm like in my head, I'm like, I don't think this is how you're supposed to use. Condom.

Am I getting her pregnant? And then I get done. I pull it out and it's still there. The condom's still there. It's not on me. It's in there. And I'm like, uh, and I'm pulling, pulling tug of war, tug of war. Snap hits my hand.

It's off the thing and hits on a fucking mirror. I swear to God. And I'm sitting there going, oh! I walked into the bathroom from that bedroom. I looked in the mirror. I was like, who the fuck are you? I would literally have like a kind of like, that's not how it's supposed to be done, big guy.

We thought we'd be better at this. You poor baby. And then I had my first anxiety attacks after that. I started getting anxiety attacks. I was like, I have AIDS. I got her pregnant. I'm not ready to be a parent. I'm never doing this again.

And like... So you think that that situation caused so much like PTSD for you that it literally sent you into panic attack spirals. Oh yeah. And I was like, I'm never having... I'm not going to have sex again unless I'm dating them. And I'm willing to have a kid with them. in my head.

And so I waited another probably two years to have sex and then had sex freshman year or college and then dated that chick for like five years. Because you just felt you were so scared to even try to go anywhere else. I was like, she likes what I do. I was like, you know, it's almost like if you're bad at karaoke and you're not the one going,

hey, let's go to karaoke bars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you go to them, but you're like, I'd rather not sing. And then you'll get up on stage when you're drunk, you know, when you're comfortable. And then I had to pop my own cherry the first time I had sex.

I never understood what a cherry was. I've never been with a virgin. Okay. So the closest I've ever been is I ran out of a car that at 14 miles. So, and so when the woman, when you have sex with a woman that's a virgin for the first time, she has this piece of skin called a hyman. When the penis goes in, it rips the skin. We bleed.

And that's how you know that you're with a virgin or whatever. So yeah, my first time, the guy who I was with had a, and this is in my book, had a micro penis. I'm talking like half of my pinky. Like it was very tiny. And listen, and I'm not shaming anybody with a micro penis, you know, We'll never yuck anybody's yum. Some people are into those. But, you know, the first time you have sex,

you kind of need depth to pop the hymen. And he just couldn't do it. So I threw him down on a lawn chair and straddled him and popped my own chair. And that is how my sex capades and life started. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I never got, I don't think I ever got comfortable having sex with someone until the end.

Like where I was like actually I've said this a lot I've said this to her recently I mean it's this sounds really creepy to hear from a guy who's been married to her for 21 years but I say I've said it a lot lately thank you so much for letting me be who I am in bed because I never I never ever spoke during sex I never tried anything if anything adventurous I never tried it because I was just like I was like I don't want to hear no I don't want to

fuck up I just want to keep it on the rails and now she has allowed me in the twilight of our marriage meaning like after not when we were first started dating not when we were young and we could have taken pictures and it would have been great like now she's allowed me to be who I am and I was never

I have no interest in starting that journey with anyone else I love that I just hearing that you've only been with six women in your entire life is mind blowing to me and I think that'll be mind blowing to other people too because you're freaking Bert Kreischer you're the machine you're Van Wilder was literally you inspired that movie, which is crazy to me because I grew up watching that movie, and that was one of my favorite movies. And then when I found out that it was inspired by you, I was like, this is freaking full circle. Like, it's so crazy. But you and my husband are a lot of like, in so many ways. And I think it's, yeah. Oh, no, you guys are. Like, he's the same way with Jason cut this out, but he's the same way sexually too. Like, you know, he's, and now that he's lost all his weight, he's like starting to explore and I'm just like, use me. Use me and abuse me, baby. But he told me that you invited him to go,

do something with some CrossFit people. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about that. No, no, no. There's these twin CrossFit women that live here. And I think I'll buy here. And they have a gym and they invited us to work out. And I was like, yo, let me hit Jelly See if he wants to go. Yeah.

And he was like, not with this face. My poor baby shaved his beard. And so the internet has it all wrong. He hasn't seen his face in 20 years. So he doesn't know what he looked like under there. And he's like, baby, after I do this photo shoot, the men's health cover. He's like, I'm going to shave my beard.

And I want to see what it looks like. And I'm like, okay, okay. And so we go in the bathroom and he just starts, you know, shaving. And he looked so hot, Bert, with a fucking cop stash. Oh, my God. It was like his mullet and the copstash. I was like, ooh. And then he shaves, and the goatee was hot too.

And then he shaves it off and it fucking changed everything. I was like, it's not terrible because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But then we walk out and the kid starts crying. Bailey starts crying. And it's just like, Oh my God, dad, don't ever do that. Have you, when was the last time you shaved your face? So the last time I shaved it was, like, right when my life changed.

So, like, I always say there's like, you know, I look at things and I do this dramatically. Like, Leanne, it would roll her eyes. There was a phrase where I said, there's two parts of my life. There's life before I knew about black widow spiders and life after I knew about black widow spiders. So our house was infested with black widow spiders. Oh, God. And my OCD was insane. And then I, and then we got past it.

No one got bit and I went, okay. But I say this with my career. There's life before I posted the machine story and life after. And that one day that I posted a machine, that week was a crazy fucking week for me. And it's all represented by a credence clear order revival. That's the music defines that one week. Yeah. But it's 2016, December 27th that week.

I posted the machine story. I was doing New Year's Eve at Oxnard. No one showed up. They were paying me $25 grand and they lost their ass on it. And I knew that was going to come back for my next year. So I was like, I'm fucked financially next year. I got fired from Travel Channel. My special didn't perform.

Leanne was redoing our house and she wanted to get me to get a vasectomy all in this one week. And Tom was fat-shaming me. And we were doing Rogan to weigh in. And the loser was getting his beard shaved off. And I was, it was a lot of stress. It was so much stress. And, and I,

why did Leanne have to throw in the vasectomy on top of all of that? It was a must. I was like, I remember we got the dumbest fight. I was like, the stuff still come out. She goes, does it matter? I go, yeah, I'm not paying for procedure or so every time I'm an organism,

it looks like my dick has a dry heaves. It's like dust. Yep. Just like the fairy dust, like glitter sprinkles. Yeah. And so she, and so then we went.

and we weighed in with Joe three times. Tom won the first one. Or no, two times. Tom won the second one. And then he got to shave my beard. Now, you can find this online. It is, Tom and I have like three, we have like probably 10 times we've laughed the hardest together.

This is, in my memory, number two. This is the second hardest we've ever laughed together. Is Tom shaved my beard? and he got to see what I looked like first. I didn't get to see it. And his eyes were like, it's not good. And I started laughing so hard. You can see that if you watch this video,

I think Rogan shot it on his phone, but it is two guys who absolutely love each other having a moment of just pure comedy. Can we bring this up? Yeah, I don't know if you can find it. We have a TV radio that we can look at it out. I have to see what you look like without a beard. But what's, you know, it gets,

worse. I don't even find the video because it's not worth it's okay I get the beard shave. Tom leaves me with a thin mustache. I get out of the car and I was in the front yard. She had to be 10 years old and she goes, you look like a pervert. Oh no. And I said, how do you know what a pervert looks like? She goes, I'm staring at one right now. And it was, it was, but what's crazy about it. So then I shaved the mustache. I shaved I shave, come clean, and then I look in the mirror, and it's bizarre. I mean, there's got to be a therapy term for this. I have not seen that kid since college.

I haven't seen him since early, like freshman year of college. When I started growing a go tee, I was 21. I haven't seen that kid in, at the time, it must have been, you know, 25 years. Right. And I looked at him and I had a conversation with him. And I was like, dude, what have you been doing? And he was like, and he was like, he was like, I've been watching you. And I was like, it was so, I got emotional because I was like, I was like, dude,

I was almost like time traveling. I was like, hey man, we're doing really good. Like we just like, it's rough right now, but things are going to turn around. And then the machine story went viral. And I was like, I think things are looking. I had a time travel conversation with myself. It's a crazy thing that not anyone gets to do, but these men that have had beards for 25 years get to look back into the looking glass and see what they looked like and talk to themselves.

It was wild. I was high as high as far. Were you on mushrooms? No, we had just done Rogan. Okay. And I was very high and I was drunk and I went in and I shaved clean and I looked at myself and I had this bizarre because I kissed myself in the mirror sometimes. Yeah.

Like when I feel bad, I'll lean in and I'll kiss myself. It's like an affirmation. Yeah. I love that. And so, but it was crazy. And I thought when I saw his face, I was like, I wonder what, I wonder who he saw. Yeah.

Like who was that last, but I bet I don't, I was like, I don't think he's ever been, it's been while since he's been that skinny too. Who, Jay? Yeah. Oh yeah.

No, it's been crazy. He's so tiny now. Like, it's crazy. He hasn't been this skinny ever in his entire life. His wiener has grown. Like,

I'm like, where did that come from? Like, it hurts now. I'm like, what is happening, dude? I'm so,

I'm so, You know, I was saying to someone, they're like, you know, said something. I casually will say, I just say jelly. Yeah. I'm never going to. I have friends that I know that they're real names, but I never say the thing. I'd say the thing when I met when I met them, right? Yeah.

Casually said jelly and someone goes, oh, have you seen his weight loss? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, no, no, have you, no, have you been tracking it? And I went, yeah. Yeah. And they're like, no. Oh, I was on an airplane. I was on an airplane.

I was saying, uh, we were, the guy was talking about Diplo having a 5K. Yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I ran a 5K with, I run a 5K with my buddies, Tom and Jelly. And they were like, he was like, oh, dude, jelly roll? And I went, yeah. He goes, have you seen his weight loss?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. And he was like, no, no, no. No, have you seen a picture, though? And they started pulling a pictures. And in my head, I was like, I was like, yeah, I've been there. It's intimate to me. Yeah.

Because I remember that moment. I have to show this with a bunch of people, but the four of us crossed that finish line. You inspired him a lot. You said, I think you might have changed his life. And Jelly's like, I think this changed my life. I mean, it's the accomplishment of doing a 5K when you're at that size.

Listen, I did the 5K with you guys and can barely keep up. Travis Barker's just running laps around us. We didn't even know we ran it. He ran it and he got to ran it and then left. Yeah, no fucking problem. We're like, we see him pass us twice and we're still on the same freaking loop. It was a lot, dude. It was a lot.

But that day, that really was like you have been such a good. role model for Jay and such an inspiration for him because even just inviting him to that 5K just lit a fire under his ass and he's like forest that boy has not stopped running he literally woke up this morning and went running you know like he's just it was it's a beautiful moment and I can't wait till he can actually tell the whole story of like how it's inspired him and stuff like that I'm you had a huge role in that well I have I mean are you know he said seven phones since I've first known him you have to get a hold of me that's why I know I gave up yeah I gave up everybody like literally like John Bon Jovi just texts me the other day. He's like, hey, can you tell Jay this? But he's got

Jay's number. But it's like, you know, like people always have to text me because then the message will get to him. He, I don't even keep up with all of his phones either. What inspired you to start these 5Ks? Oh, I wish I had a noble answer. Because like it's become like a huge thing. The one that we ended up going to, there was a ton of people there. Now it's like people really look forward to it. I think we had 9,000 in Tampa. Yeah. Which is crazy. I mean, that's like a, for people to go run, that's pretty wild. In all honesty, we were doing a podcast, me and Tom, and I had gone to shows and I'd done these meet and greets.

And I was like, my fans are like me. I was like, we need to get in shape. And I thought very selfishly, if I don't get them in shape, I'm not going to have a fan base in 10 years. Aw. I was like, I'm going to get them in shape because I still want to do standoff. I love your logic. He's like, I don't need to get into shape,

but I need to get my fans into shape. I need that more than they need me. They go, they yell. I love you, Byrd. I go, I love you way more than you love me. I can't operate without you. Yeah. I get nothing without you.

You are the most important thing to me. So I said to Tom, we need to get our fans in shape on the podcast. And he was like, yeah. And Tom had just run his first 5K with his buddy at cancer. And he said he'd do it for his buddy. And Tom blew up about it. Now, I'd been doing 5Ks, marathons, half marathons, triathlons, Spartan race, tough. I did the first tough mutter they held.

I did that. Like I've always been into that culture. And I've, and I do it. You're an athletic big guy. I don't even think you're like big. You just have your little tummy. That's it.

I'm shockingly athletic. Yeah. I'm surprisingly athletic. So is my husband. I call him an agile big guy. Yeah. Yeah. And so I,

and I've always done it because the party afterwards a blast. The party after a, the best race you can run is half marathon. It really tests you. It really pushes you. And the party after is awesome. Yeah.

At Marathon, never do another one again. Unless Jelly does one, I'll do one with him. Yeah, he's gonna do one. You should do one. I think he wants to do, what is it, a 10 or a 20? He wants to do one where I have to go meet him at the stops or something like that. I don't, listen, let him get it out of a system. He wants to do it.

He wants to skydive too. I'm not doing that. Will you skydive with him? No. Okay, me either. I've skydive twice. It's not worth it. Really?

Hang on. It will give him something that it wouldn't give you. it will give you something he could never get. And you would get, and edit whatever you want out of this, but me and you have very similar brains. And I know that because of any time jellies hit his dab rig, we have very similar brains. Yeah.

We have a little bit of an OCD to us. Oh, I have a lot of OCD. I know you do. And I do as well. What is your OCD stem from? I don't know. For a very long time, I could not, I am the first time I ever smoked marijuana not first time but like the fifth time I had the weird worst panic attack I've ever had my entire life oh god I did that with a gravity bong hit one time and and and from that point in high school and until I'm almost embarrassed saying this until I was probably 37 maybe 40 I couldn't if you smoked weed around me I would feel it.

I could feel it in my throat. I'm the same way. And I could not be around it. And it was doing Rogan's podcast where I was like, I can't not be in a room where people smoke weed. This is crazy. And so I started smoking, like almost microdose smoking weed just so that I could be around it in these podcasts.

I love doing the podcast. And everyone in L.A. was smoking weed at the time. Yeah. And that's a good idea, though, because they say that for O-O-D, OCD exposure therapy is the best way to get yourself over that thing that you are OCD about. Yeah. But the thing you, the reason you don't want to skydive is the same reason I didn't want to skydive. And it is why if you skydive, it is the craziest conversation you get to hear in your head.

It is, there is a moment of pure, I feel like I'd croak up there. There's pure clarity. Pure clarity. When you jump out and you're screaming at the earth. And you realize the dice have been rolled. There's no fixedness. Oh, fuck. There's no, there's no, there's no pill I can take to, to retrofit this death.

I either am going to die or live. And how do I accept that moment? I don't want to be in that position. It's a crazy realization. And dare I say worth it to do it once. Don't do it twice. I did it twice. And the second time I was like, I've already been here.

Why are we doing this again? This is stupid. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Yeah. This guy doesn't know my boundaries. I have an extreme fear of heights. So there's like I cannot. I have a.

I'm telling you when I say, you should do it. You should do it. Only because. I want to think, thinking about it. The plane ride up is horrific. And it's one of those rickety ass planes.

And no one cares. Everyone's got parachutes on. So they're like, hey, hey. And then when they opened the door, I did it, first time I did it was with Rachel Ray. And when they opened the door

and they, and the crazy thing is they go put your hands on your, you know, because they don't want you grabbing things. Yeah. And you put your hands on and then they are, we're going to get out to the edge. And you are outside of the plane.

You are outside of the plane. And he is in and he's holding on, but you are. You're out. It's already started for you. Oh. And there's no turning back. They don't let you not jump.

It's Way Day at Wayfair. From April 25th through the 27th, you can score the best deals in home, like up to 80% off with free shipping on everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly what fits your style and needs, from furniture and decor to home improvement and outdoor essentials, and it's all on sale during Wayday. Upgrade your space with quality pieces that work within your budget, and the best part, everything ships fast and free during Wayday. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair verified, aka your shortcut. to the good stuff. Their team of product specialists vets, everything by hand using a 10-point quality inspection. So you know you're getting a quality piece no matter your budget. I've been really into that mid-century modern vibe lately. Clean lines, warm wood, just simple pieces that still feel

elevated and Wayfair made it so easy to find stuff that actually fits my space. I picked up a few furniture upgrades and some accent pieces and it pulled everything together way faster than I expected. I'm even working on my outdoor setup now because I'm trying to be outside as much as possible, and they had options that matched the look perfectly. Not going to lie, the whole process was way easier than I thought. I could filter everything down to my style and price range. Read real reviews and actually see how things looked in other people's homes before ordering. And that's what makes them different.

You're not just guessing. Between the reviews and the assembly option, it's super low stress. Everything showed up fast, looked exactly how I expected, and just made my space, more put together. It's one of those upgrades that actually makes a difference every day. Wayday is the sale to shop the best deals in home. We're talking up to 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. Head to Wayfair.com, April 25th through the 27th to shop Wayday. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Okay, be honest. Are you one of those people that actually likes your money? Yeah, same.

So why are we out here handing it over to these big wireless companies like it's a donation? These big wireless carriers will have you paying hundreds of dollars a month for what? Spotty service, random fees, and free perks. That somehow cost you more in the end. Make it make sense. That's why I'm telling y'all about MintMobile. Because baby, $15 a month for premium wireless? Yeah.

We're not doing things the old way anymore. Like, you could literally be saving. hundreds a year. That's gas money, shopping, money, self-care money, whatever, whatever you're into. Mint gives you high-speed data, unlimited talk and text all on the nation's largest 5G network. And the best part, you can keep your phone, keep your number, switch over in minutes with ESIM, and boom, you're saving money instantly. No contracts, no drama, no weird fine print, just common sense. I switched over and the service has been just as good, if not better, than what I paying way too much for before. And the amount I'm saving every month, yeah, I'm not going back.

If you like your money, Mintmobile is for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash BUNN-I-E. That's mentmobile.com slash bunny. Up front payment of $45 for three-month five-gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full-price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mintmobile for details. No, they don't like that. Oh, God. No, buddy, they don't let you, not y'all. The dude's already strapped into you.

He's going. No. He's not going to land the plane with you. No, God, my butt holes puckered right now. Do you know who Mel Robbins is? Yes. She is awesome. Yeah.

And she wrote a book called Let Them and there's control things in it. And it's one of those control things that I had. Yeah. It was great. And I did it the second time and I take her to leave it the second time. I was like, I already had the experience. It wasn't.

For people like me and you, the first time's the one. Right. Just the initial jumping off the, you know. Jump off, have you jumped off like a 10 meter high dive? No. No, not a 10 meter. I'm trying to think because I was on a diving team when I was younger,

but I don't think it was that high. That's the platform that high, high. No, not that high. That's terrifying. Yeah, I couldn't even imagine. With my luck and the shape of my ass, if I even turn the wrong way, I am fucking belly flopping or back flopping.

There's no in between, okay? I'm going one way or the other. There's no straight line for me, buddy. Not happening. All right, so we never did this game. Oh, yeah, porn, porn, porn, God. I told you, I'm the worst in interviews because I derail so easily.

No, you're fine. I loved it. It's a beautiful conversation. But this is, is it a porn category or an energy drink flavor? All right, ready? And it's rapid fire. So you just have to say porn energy drink.

Cream pie crush. That's, uh, it's, uh, That's porn. Hard line. That's flavor. Titty sprinkles. That's porn. Wetworks.

Porn. Milfuel. Porn. Red Dragon. That's energy. Wrong. Bangbus. That's born.

You did really good. I'm familiar with those guys. I really thought the hard line was going to catch you. No. I thought the hard line was going to get you. He's like, nope, that's an energy drink. I'm going to ask you a couple more questions, just some fun questions that we can get some answers to. What is the dumbest thing that you've ever done naked that you're willing

to admit today? So much. I've done so much naked. That's why I thought it was a great question because literally what haven't you done naked is pretty much what. You know, they've all panned out for me. Yeah. Like I took a shit on a pizza box to win an election in college and, uh, and it worked out. You know, I won the election A and then B, it got written up in Rolling Stone and became like kind of like folklore. So like, I think, you know, I've, I got turned on a naked pretty young at like, I wasn't comfortable what my body looked like. And then when I was a freshman in college, there was this dude. I won't say his name because I've said it a bunch and he's a huge hedge fund guy in Miami. Oh, fuck. And I, and he apparently, he grew up. Does he want to be associated with

you or no? He was in my fraternity. I don't know. He, he was older than me, but he would get naked all the time. And he was, and he didn't have a big dick. And I was like, that's crazy that he gets naked and he doesn't have a big dick. And someone goes, that's not a big dick? And I went, no. And he's like, oh, I figured because he pulls it out, it's big. And then I realized no guy is a big dick. I think Leanne told us that you were swiped up.

I'm okay. Yeah. But, but, and so I just was like, oh, that's a power move. It's like with guys, not with girls. It's like dominating. But with guys, it's like drop trow and then everyone. Like Greek times. Yeah.

Yeah. And so I had, I was one of those guys. I'm in the group of guys that. Getting naked never bothered me. Right. And now I almost have a problem with it. Like I get, like Kyle woke me up the other day with his mom in our tour bus. Oh, fuck.

And it's a true story. And he goes, he was at his childhood home and he wanted me to wake up to see it. We were on the bus. And I heard him go, he's awake. He's naked, but he's awake. So like I sleep naked. The dumbest thing I've ever done naked probably was a slip inside. I cut, I sliced my ass.

Hole? No, no. the tailbone, bad. Oh my God. I fell off the bed one time having sex with Leanne and landed on a razor and I cut my ass open pretty aggressively. What the hell was a razor doing on the ground? Got it. Let's just say they call me the barber of Seville.

That is hilarious. What comedian would you least want to see naked? I've seen Tom naked. Who smells worse on tour, you or Tom? Oh, it's going to be me. Oh, yeah. Tom, Tom's like, I'm taking that out. Tom's a very fancy boy. Tom is, Tom, there's two versions of Tom.

There's hot sauce in his back pocket Tom. And then there's like, oh my God, I have money, Tom. Yeah. Like he was the funnest person to watch Get Rich because he was poor for so long. And then one day he was like, dude, you know I could have two chargers for an iPhone? I don't have to plug it in the wall and then walk over there to charge my house. Like he was like, he was the funniest person to watch Get Ruff. rich because then he'd be like, he's like, yo, I can buy stuff I don't need. But he is like

Cologne, shower, fresh clothes laid out. Is he like Metro? Now he's very, he tucks his shirt in now. What the hell? I know. He is he is a, he's very, a very, very, very clean guy. Wow. I would have never guessed that. I am not. I love what my body smells. Yeah. I love a good. You're like a brute. You're like a real just, you're just a boy's boy. You have to be into men if you have sex with me. Yeah. Like, Leanne likes men. Like, she doesn't like, like, boys.

Right. Like, when we first started dating, I was, I was, I was shaving, like, my face. She was like, hey, you're a man. Let it grow a little bit. And so then I started lining it. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. You're a man. Let it grow.

So my beard today, and I was trimming my hair on my chest. She was like, no, be a man. Leanne likes a man. I love that Leanne like keeps you in check. She doesn't let you like, you know, do anything crazy. Like she always has your best interest. One time, one time we were at a party and there was Coke. And I said, yo, there's Coke.

She goes, okay. And I was like, well, I'm just giving you a heads up. She's like, you can do it if you want. And I was like, wait, for real? She was like, yeah, I'm not your mom. And I was like, okay. She goes, but listen, if you do it, you can't come home tonight. And I was like, don't worry.

Don't worry. Why won't she let you home when you're on below? Because we have the girls. She's like, I want you doing drugs around our girls. Yeah, yeah, got you. I didn't do coke. I didn't know if like you were like crazy.

No, no, I've never, I haven't done Coke. I haven't done Coke in, God, since I lived in New York, I think. I mean,

you can't do Coke nowadays. No. This had to have been years ago because Coke nowadays is you're just literally playing Russian roulette with your life. That's how I feel. Yeah.

That's what I tell my girls. But yeah, and I've been offered it a couple times. Yeah. Yeah, by some famous people. And I really, there's a two that I regret that I go, oh, I should have done Coke with them.

But then I go, I'm glad I didn't because I'm here. I don't like it. Coke makes me like rock back and forth. Like I'd have to be like super shit-faced and on Zanny bars to be able to do cocaine. I've done a lot of it, but I never really liked it. I enjoyed it very much. But I did not.

The next day was really tough for me. Mentally? Crazy. Oh. I mean, I don't know that I, I don't think I could ever do it again, just knowing what the next day was. Right.

And then I don't think I could enjoy it knowing this is coming up. Do you battle like mental health issues? Yeah. I mean, I think, I don't know. I don't know because I also am like really tough on myself. So like I figure I don't know.

I figure someone's got it worse than me. I feel the same way whenever I talk about things too. But you can't minimize how you feel based on other people's things that they have going on too because, you know, there's levels, of course, to everything. But I think it helps when we talk about our mental health because it makes people who are going through it not feel like we do, if that makes sense. I think it does when you.

Like, maybe it does when I, I know people have reached out to me, but I know also that, like, you know how the internet weaponizes anything you say vulnerable against you. Yes. And you're like, ugh, like, God damn. And I look back and I go, I should never have shared anything. Do you know how many new cycles I've been in for fucking open in my mouth, dude? And it's like, I'm just being honest, I'm just telling you I deal with this. And it's like, you know, it's like I know certain things about, I know certain things about certain celebrities that they, where they don't share it because they don't want it out there.

And I'm like, that's a fucking smart move. The older, the longer that we're in this business, I do understand why people keep things close to their chest. Oh my God. It's crazy. They'll demonize you for anything. And it stinks, but. My husband's getting flack for saying that he wanted to go home when he was in Australia. that he was in a mentally bad place.

I read the comments yesterday on a post and people are like, oh, poor you, you're getting paid to sing. Or like, you know, like, and it's just crazy because it's like a man's being very honest with his mental health struggles. And, you know, it's like, I don't know the right way to say this, but it's like... We can bleep it.

No, no, no, no. But it's like, it's frustrating to me because, you know, it's, it's, it's this wild insensitivity that happens. It's almost, you know, it's like, I don't say people enjoy watching people die, but there is this sense when someone dies that a little bit of the room goes,

oh, thank God that's not me. You know, like almost like, you know, like I've been to a lot of funerals. Back when they had them, I haven't been to one in a while. No one does them anymore. They don't. They don't even do celebrations alive.

People just die and people just go, let's not bring it up. It's like, well, Most people like that suicide. But anyway, so, but like, there's this wild insensitivity that's happening. And I'm certain I'm a part of it. I'm certain I've done it because I've been with people that have said it's gross because it happens to them.

And then they do it. And within a matter of seconds after that, they'll do it about someone else. And I'm trying to get to the base of, like, what is the thing that's eating me up? Like, and, and I try. Try to overshare because if you overshare a little bit, you might get beaten up and attacked for it and whatever. But maybe if it helps a couple people, you know, I think just a dude like you who's so boisterous,

who's so like just high on life, I think when people hear like, hey, I battle OCD like that. I never knew you had OCD. Oh, my OCDs, my CD is annoying. Yeah. It is, I don't know what other people is. It really, we used to call it big brain. versus little brain.

It was like big brain was the fucking bad guy. And Little Brain was the sweetest guy. He's who I am. I'm Little Brain really. And Little Brain would be like, hey man. I remember there was a period in, I was in Italy doing Travel Channel. This is when I named them. And I was with my whole group, my Travel Channel team.

And I had a black spot on the back of my leg. It was just a mole. It's just a mole. I'll freak out. And I, you have health anxiety too. Wow. I mean. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel it. Trust me. I get it. Every day I'm in chat, GPD. Try to diagnose myself. I had a, I was zinning a bunch and I had like a lump right there.

And I was like, that's it. I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm gone. And this is the way little brain and big brain works. So I feel it, right? And then I, little brains. Like, no, don't worry.

It's nothing. It's nothing. Hey, it's nothing. It's nothing. Trust me, it's zins. They don't cause cancer. But yeah, but you smoke cigars. That's big brain.

You used to smoke cigars. Remember smoking scars? And Little Brain's like, but we haven't had one in a while. And he's like, oh, we were smoking them every night for a period there. And then you're like, shut the fuck up, big brain. And then you go to sleep. And Big Brain is like sound asleep. And little brain wakes up first.

And he's like, hey, don't wake him up. Oh. Let's get through today. Fine. Don't look in the mirror. Don't look in the mirror. And then all of a sudden you're in the bathroom, you're brushing the teeth and you're a big brain wake up and go, have we checked that cancer in our mouth yet? You're like, shut the fuck up.

That is the best way to explain OCD. Yeah. That is a phenomenal way. It sucks. And I didn't know that I had it. I didn't know that I had panicking. I didn't know how anxiety at all. I just didn't.

And then I didn't know I had OCD until I married Leanne. And I got embarrassed of certain rituals I had. Like I don't mind sharing them now. Right. But like these are crazy. Like I would put booby traps all around the house right when we went to bed. Skateboards on every door handle. To see if one of them moved while you're sleeping.

I do that when I'm in hotel rooms. Oh, yeah. And then before I fly, my flying was my worst is I had to shower a certain way. So I had to cover my whole body in soap. And then I had to get down in like a squat, like a full squat and say a prayer and then I had to visualize the plane taking off in each direction, northeast, south, and west six times, flying three times to the next one, landing six times in east direction, and then I had to do it one more time, and then I had to circle my side. It was so crazy. Wow. And Leanne would watch me,

and she was like, what are you doing? And I couldn't talk during it. So I had to sit silent and do this, all covered in soap, and then clear off, I go, it's what I do before I fly. And you, If you don't know it and you're sitting in the shower with the man and you watch him do this, you're like, that's fucking crazy. And then I'm getting on the plane. I wore the same outfit flying for like 15 years. I wore the same outfit. Like same, like it was jeans, fry boots, a same t-shirt from Lucky, a Lucky hoodie, and a leather jacket. Even in the summer, I wore the same outfit flying everywhere I went.

I understand that I won't wear shorts. Really in public places because I don't want my legs to touch things or on planes. If I'm on planes, I have to have my arms covered. I have to always have a flannel over me or a hoodie or something because I cannot touch anything inside airplanes. It freaks me out. Yeah, so I completely understand that. So with these meds, these meds do incite physical illness. So like Manjaro does make you ill.

Like yesterday, I couldn't. tell if it was me making myself ill or if it was the medicine making myself ill. And so I'm sitting in this and I have a weird, I've always had a weird thing about my throat closing. Me too. I've always, and it's like, and I threw up violently in LAX. I don't think it was Minjaro. I think it was, I don't know what it was. Anyway, it's probably the Manjaro. That stuff's rough. We need to get you on RETA. I really want you to, I'm going to send you some stuff in our group chat because I really think you'll do good with RETA. I don't know. Shredded sounds really good. shredded and no side effects.

And I'm going to get you the test more than. But yeah, but that's like anything with any med, any med the first time I take it, I'm like, I just invited something into my system. Right. Oh, I have to do a countdown. So anytime I like, I just started these new peptides and anytime

I take a medication, anytime I do an injection, anything new that I'm not used to, I have an hour or two hour countdown of my safe window where I'll be completely panicking and we'll freak out until two hours passes and then I'm like okay I'm okay because I'm so scared of like anaphylactic or like when we did something's burning me you and jelly and he wanted to hit his dad rig in the house and you're like well then I'll walk out at that moment I don't know if

there's video of it I felt like I'm talking to a sibling like I was like when I saw you do that and you did it at the 5k too like just don't be upwind I went I've never heard that's almost like It's almost like saying like, you meet someone who does the same, like, weird thing you do. And you know, and you keep your secret. You don't tell anyone yours. And then you see them do it. You're like, shut up. And then you're like, I can trust you.

Like, it must be like gay kids feel like it can't. Yeah. Yeah. When they go, oh, I'm some dicks. Oh, you said dicks. You're one of us. Yeah. No, I, I'm blown away because I never knew.

Like, and it's, it's hell to live with. But when you learn how to do the exposure therapy, I still can't do it with his death. I still can't do it with his dab rigs because I've been locked in a freaking 18 passenger van with him when he was doing dabs. I think I'm scarred for life with that. But like a lot of other things, like I've gotten a lot better with.

And touring actually helped me with that because it pulled me out of my comfort zone and I had to be in like crusty freaking like amphitheaters and like stuff that wasn't clean or wasn't, you know, OCDs so many things. It's so crazy because I don't get it on stage at all. The safest place I am is on stage. Because your mind isn't thinking about it.

Not thinking about it at all. If you can occupy your mind, that's what quiets the OCD noise. So like when I'm doing podcasts, I used to freak out and have panic attacks while I was doing podcast and now that I've gotten so much comfortable with it, it's because your brain isn't zeroing in on what your body is feeling and like trying to trick you. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. It's fun.

I'm so glad we're talking about it because I hope that someone, I hope there's a fucking 15 year old girl or boy listen to this going like, shit, that's what I got. Yeah, just don't listen to the first part of the podcast. Yeah, don't listen to the first part. But no, but I think it's so, I think it is healthy. And then, you know, and look, and people will weaponize it against me. And they're going to clip this out and Bert Kreischer crashes out and, and he's mentally broken. And, you know, whatever they're going to say, you're like, okay, but I guess I hope it helps somebody.

No, it will help somebody. And I hate that you have to have that fear of being able to express what's really going on with you, trying to help somebody because of how people want to clickbait headlines. I think that's insane. I heard the craziest thing that I understood. that I totally understood. Eddie Murphy changed his laugh because he didn't like the way people were referencing his laugh.

That was his original. Yeah. And he didn't like that it could be weaponized against him or that it would be played out or that he was predictable. So he, I mean, it's crazy. He changed his laugh. That's like a trademark.

There was a moment that I had a very recognizable laugh and I noticed that my laugh started to change, but I think it changed because my voice got deeper from drinking or throwing up or whatever. Smoking cigars, maybe. Acid reflux, honestly. But my voice has gotten a lot deeper since I've been in this business.

But my laugh, like, it's still a high-pitched squeal, but it's not as high. I can't go that high anymore. But I was like, God dang it, can you imagine if you let the world take your joy away? Yeah. But that's, I mean, that's the business we're in. is like, and Eddie Murphy's been into the longest.

Expose yourself all you can. People are going to love you. But there are people that will just simply hate you and you got to let the hate come your way and just don't let it take your laugh. Like Eddie Murphy's old laugh was so fucking good. Don't let it take your laugh. You guys even remember it?

Yeah, yeah, I do. And now it's like this. Yeah, oh, I never knew that about that. But that was such a really, like, gorgeous way of saying it was don't let it take your laugh. The second it takes you, sparkle, right? The second, and I say internet,

but it's people too. It's, it's, look, man, go online and watch Cairns. Those people walk, they're the walking dead. And they're waiting for a kid to fish in their backyard retention pond and like, you can't fish here. And like, who's he fucking hurting? But those people walk around with the same anger and vitriol that happens on the internet. And it's cool. Listen,

I've never left a negative comment, but that's not to say I've never said something negative. Right. I've said negative shit. I've said wild negative shit. I will clap back at somebody, but even when I clap back at them, I try not to match their negativity. Yeah. I've never,

I've never replied in the comments. I know, I'm put it online, but in podcasts, I've said negative shit. Yeah. In private, I've said negative shit. In on stage, I've said,

everybody. Yeah, it's everyone. Yeah. And so don't isolate and go, oh, these comment people are horrible people. No, we do it. I do it.

I just sometimes do it publicly. I just do it like on a podcast. And it comes back to bite me in the ass. As we were sitting here, I was thinking about the girl I've lost my opportunity to. I was like, I bet I'm going to have to deal with this later. And so, but like. Do people like that from your past resurface all the time if you talk about them? Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, yeah. It's like they're 15 minutes of fame, right? Oh, no, no. It's my fault. I never change anyone's names. I keep the name's always the same. I tried to do that in my book.

They wouldn't let me. I had everybody on blast and they were like, no. We need to change names. I was, yeah, I'm bad about that. And, and, you know, but I think the thing I was saying was, I was like, I remember when, when the comments really did affect me, it's like, I think it was right when we bought our new house. And I, and I was very self-conscious because we all of a sudden we had this big house,

you know, and I was like, and I, I lived in this 1100, 300 square foot house on 7,000 square feet. And it was very modest, but it was beautiful. It was fun. And I was always showing my life. And I never had anything to hide. It was great. I loved it, but it was modest.

People would come to my house and go, wow, this is small. And I go, well, yeah, and yeah. And they're like, no, I mean, I thought it was going to be bigger online. And then when I got to my new house, it was, you know, an acre, 50, 600 square foot house. And I was like, I was very embarrassed to show it. and I was very cognizant not to show it. And when I did post a video,

someone was like, he's changed. And that is the first time I ever saw. And I'm sure they were there before, but that was the first time I ever saw negative comments, and they were affecting me. And I was unable to enjoy my new house because I felt embarrassed for it. And I remember going,

I remember I had a social media team who, like, at the time they were trying, trying to take down anything that's anyone that said anything negative about me. And I, and I had a moment of clarity where I was like, actually, Tommy called me. And he was like, and he was like, this bad video about me. And he was like, I mean, I watched it. And I was like, how bad is it? He was like, it's not that bad.

I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I mean, it's not that bad. And he goes, yeah, you've changed, man. You're making a ton of money. He's like, that's accurate. Like, yeah. And he's like, but he goes, but you're still burnt. And he's like, and let that change happen.

man who gives a fuck and then people want you to stay the same and that my my husband deals with that a lot more than I do because I'm you know it's we're in two different fields and they don't know rapper role you know they just know country music artist role yeah and you know his rapper fans are always like oh you've changed and Jay's like thank God thank God I've changed like we don't want to still be who we were 20 years ago oh yeah it's almost like the internet hates to see people achieve they they love, they love the climb up. Right. The second they see you stand on top of the mountain.

Yes. And hey, all I'll say is I try to identify because I have the same instinctual feelings. I love my band on the way up. But the second they get to the top and I maybe, maybe they smell their own stink a little bit. There's something that changes. And you got, as an artist, you got to be comfortable with it. because you got to recognize that this is a natural human behavior. Right.

You know, what do they go after Pedro Pascal? Yeah. Right? And it's like, what does that guy done to anybody? Yeah. Maybe he touched someone's face or something.

Who knows? But like, but like they go after everyone, everyone gets it. Who's the one that's getting it now that's like everyone's favorite person? And all of a sudden they're like, yeah, fuck that guy.

Ariana Grande is getting it right now. Yeah. I mean, like, what does she do? She doesn't do anything to anybody. Katie Perry, she gets it. The Katie Perry thing threw me through the fucking roof.

It's crazy, right? Katie Perry is the soundtrack to my daughter's childhood. And she's a sweet woman. I've met her. I've been in her energy. She's not a bad, like, she doesn't have bad energy. I've met celebrities who have terrible energy. I'll never say who they are.

But Katie, just the sweetest little thing. I hated what they were doing to her. Living her life. It's still now to this day, like she can't do anything. She's dating like the Canadian governor now or something or the ex-governor. And they just-trudeau? Yeah, she's with Justin Trudeau. Like, they will not leave her alone.

Like, she just can't do anything. right it's not you know it's i don't know it's not fair but i guess nothing life's not fair you die right you know look i mean like there's someone going there's someone here in that go yeah it really sucks for katy perry i have pancreatic cancer and you're like okay yeah life's not fair right's not fair i guess you know you get you know it's crazy that they you know the the pure the rare air that they they won't touch you know like they show like biance uh i got done zana der or no what was the song they were doing uh they were doing the song from s&L where christin had the baby hands.

Yeah. And then they put Katie, and it was just so unfair because I like Katie Perry. But then I guess the ultimate space you want to be in. If you were the Dalai Lama, you'd be laughing. Yeah, absolutely. You'd be laughing and going, oh, they got me good. And I know guys like that who can go, they got me good.

And I think I've been gotten pretty good a bunch of times. I think you take it in stride too, though. Like, you know, like you've accomplished so much. It's like at this point Anybody can say anything about you and it's like my track record proves bitch Here's the things that are true about me These are the true things I always want people have a good time

Yes You always try to make people smile That's it like even at the 5Ks I noticed that about you Because you literally have like little stations Where everybody is like just having a point You run it kind of like a frat house And it's the cutest thing ever But it works

Yeah I'm my Lee-Anne says it's a weird thing that Like I can't, if I go into a gas station on the ride home, get a diet Mountain Dew, and you could argue, I'm nicer to the person that I'd talk to behind that counter than anyone I'll meet all day. Like, I'm so nice to people that I don't know. Like I'm almost, I said it to Leanne one time. We're arguing and we walk into a fucking gas station and all of a sudden she's like, hey, can you turn some of that on for me? But like there is a thing where I want to make people smile. I want to make people laugh.

I think silly all the time to just, like comedy is my favorite thing in the world. I never would stop doing comedy because the transaction that I get, you know, the same way a chef would get it for feeding people, but that transaction of coming up with an idea and like the joy, like I said, I'm sure it won't go on my special,

so I'll just tell you the joke. But one day, I was like, I'm going to kill two birds with one stone. I'm going to brush my teeth while I shit. And so I was like, Did you taste it? No, no, I was like, I'm on there. By the way, I'm 52 years old.

And I'm like, why haven't I been doing this longer? This is like taking a shit, brushing my teeth. I go, you know what? And I'm doing the mat. I go, I'm actually brushing my teeth for two minutes. Like, you're supposed to brush your teeth? What if I just cheek coated it? And then I'm done.

And I go to wipe. And as soon as I wipe, I swallowed the toothpaste. And I went, oh, fuck. And then I started laughing. I go, that's a joke, right? That's a joke. And then I go, oh, I don't want to love. lose that sparkle that goes, hey, I'm so, I'm going to see if I get killed two birds with

one stone. That's the sparkle you don't want to lose is that walking through your backyard, loving your backyard, getting into your gym, loving, being so grateful that you have an awesome gym and a great coffee maker to make a duplio espresso iced coffee. And then turn on Netflix and no, you can pay for Netflix. And then, and then you get phone calls from great fucking people. So many times I'd get into the gym And I'd have a message from Jelly going

When does this walking shit get better? And you'd be like, yes, or laying back While you're stretching in the gym Hadding the sun hit your face And thinking about your friends who have it tougher than you And going, God man, I got it good today. That's the thing. You can't let the world take all that good stuff away.

You know? And I think that's where I'm at right now. It's like I started journaling, although I haven't journal in like four days, but I started journaling on my 53rd birthday. Yeah. And sometimes they're the ravings of a madman, but sometimes they're really like cool.

Like, you know. Do you write for you or do you write in hopes that somebody reads it? That is a great question. Well, because I journal too, so I know how I journal. So I lost a joke book. And it was terrifying. Oh, fuck. Because I never had thought of losing a joke book.

Right. And this was, I mean, a joke book was my safe place. It's like a playbook for the NFL. Yeah. And I stopped keeping joke books because of it because it was so terrifying that I was like, and my name's in it. Like I write my name.

Hey, you go, return to Burt. Because I think I would leave it at the store. Yeah. But, and then I, in that time I got very famous. And I didn't realize that for a young comic now they have leverage. They have my joke book and they read it. And they're like, whoa. This is a crazy joke.

This isn't even funny. This is kind of wild. And then that changed the way I did therapy because I started lying in therapy. Oh, fuck. Because it was on. Because you get scared. You don't know who you can trust. I don't know who I can trust.

I don't know about VPNs. And if someone logs into my, I mean, look, man, you tell me someone can't log into my FaceTime with my therapist and download it and then put it online and then monetize it. Have them come to your house. Oh. So now we're not. Now it's in person.

Okay, good. The value of it being in person is insane. Yeah. And it's a couple's terrible. It's me and Leanne. But when I kept this journal, as I started writing in it, I went, what if someone finds this? And then I was like, and then what I did is I just changed my handwriting to so bad that no one else will ever be able to understand it except for me. I love that.

So if they find it, it's like gibberish. It's going to be in gibberish. And my name's not on it anywhere. and my goals are in it, but my goals are all, my goals are all very, they're very emotional goals. They're like, take Georgia on a trip by herself, take Ila on a trip by herself, run a, run a 5K under 30 minutes. They're all like very personal. Nothing's financial anymore. Nothing is career-wise.

Nothing is, I feel like I'm not, I'm not that I haven't accomplished all my goals in my career. I still have tons of goals, but they're not, my things are all personal. And then the last one, I do 50, whatever year I am, I do that many goals for the year. And on my 53rd goal, my very last goal, that's always the best one because you're done. Yeah. You don't have to fill out 53 goals anymore. And you sit and you think. And I was like, yo, jump out of bed in journal.

Just get the fuck out of bed in journal. Yeah. And I've been doing that. And yeah, and it's been really helpful. I think mentally I'm in a better place because I journal. Yes. You can get stuff out. It's therapeutic.

I watched something. I'm going to be vague, but I watched something this morning online that kind of like upset me because I don't know. I don't know. It just upset me. And then I realized I'm going to be doing the same thing in like two weeks. Yeah. And I was like, oh, shit. Hold on.

So it bothered me emotionally that it wasn't me. Then I know that it's going to be me. Yeah. But now it's bothering me in a different way. And I was like, all right, hold on. Let's not spin out about this. Let's just journal about this. Yeah.

And, uh. And find out what it is that's triggering you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love that you said that all of your goals are not monetary. And I think that's such a huge thing to kind of zero in on because once you do accomplish it, you're focused, like you accomplish where you've always wanted to accomplish in life.

Like we've all had dreams, right? And we've all made it to where we're all financially comfortable. Praise Jesus. Like, thank you for, you know, helping us get here. And it's crazy how that switches. And it's like, no amount of money can buy you happiness. And like you really want to fulfill like personal things.

Like you want to take your little, your girls on trips by themselves. I think that is so cute for a dad to want to do with their daughters, you know? Do you find that it's really hard to like create a space of time for them because you've been so busy? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

I mean I, you know, I have massive regret, obviously. And I think, but I think I over regret. I think when Leanne looks at, she goes,

you're doing the best you could. But my thing was, I had to create a creative nothing. You know? Yeah. And not to say that, but like when I started getting famous, podcasts were at their infancy. And a lot of people were really big on podcasts but weren't popping. And a lot of people, like the tastemakers were still around, like Comedy Central and all

them. And then Netflix had kind of shown up. And so like in a weird way, I was in this kind of like middle ground. in this gray area where it's like I wasn't accepted by Comedy Central and HBO and all those in Showtime. Although I had a special on Showtime, but I like I wasn't accepted by all the studios or networks or all that. And I wasn't really at Netflix yet because it wasn't a huge thing yet.

Right. And podcasting was happening, but it would sell, you know, it was selling all of us the same amount of tickets where I decided I had to create it for myself. I love this story only because money is important. Tommy and I were doing the same festivals right around this time that I was telling you, 2016, it's called the Oddball Festival. Now, I always wanted to be a darling of these festivals. I never was.

Amsterdam, or, uh, Aspen, Montreal, uh, Sasquatch or whatever. All the festivals, Moon Tower, never got invited to any of the festivals. Um, and only not being invited, you know how that feels. Yeah. You're just like, so I'm like, so I'm like, I know. We didn't get invited to a ton of stuff until recently. And then you get the invites. And then you get invited to all of them.

And then you don't, and then you don't want to go at that point. And so I was, I got invited one time an oddball. And it did feel like a weird invite. I remember feeling like it was like a sympathy invite. Like you can host, which I thought I was better than, but I was like, cool, I'll take it. Because I want to be a part of the festival thing. Right. And they're like, it's, it's $2,500 a weekend.

And which wasn't great money, but I've done, I've done stand up for less. you got to pay for your travel in your hotel and I was like okay I'm gonna be out of pocket but you know at least I'll be in the conversation of these things yeah in the circle and they're like you'll do uh you'll do three weekends and so I was like okay all right you know what if I save my money right and I fly on miles and you know I can I can afford that and I had money I'd work travel channel although I'd been let go and then at the last minute they go you know what never mind and I went wait what like wasn't even like a conversation they just fired me and I went oh god and it caught me off guard i called tom and i said uh i was getting ready to get on the treadmill

and i was sitting at my man cave and i was like i was like dude i guess i'm not doing oddball he was like wait what i was like yeah they canceled my dates he goes no they're doing that for some people and i went oh for real he goes yeah you got to get them to give you the money though i was like what do you mean he was like they'll they'll pay out the money and i was like well that's it's not a crazy ton of money and he's like are you fucking kidding he's like wait what are you getting paid I said 25 and he goes oh nice yeah and I said no no 2,500 and he goes wait what per show? I went no for the weekend and he went oh and I went wait what are you getting paid and he was like why I'm afraid to tell you and I said why and he goes I don't know if it's going to fuck up our

friendship I go wait what are you getting paid and he was like I don't know I don't know I can we just drop it and I went hold on what are you getting paid And he was like, you promise this isn't going to fuck up our friendship. And I was like, yeah, because there is a jealousy that could happen. And I sat with my hands on my knees and I said, will this affect how I feel about Tom? And I went in my head, I went, I want Tom to be successful. I do think if Tom's successful will help my career. I do believe that.

I think the high tide raises all boats. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I'm good. And in my head, I went, if he's getting $10,000 a weekend, I'm fine. I'm totally good with that. I go, you know what, 15,000 a weekend, I'm good. Yeah. And he goes, 25,000.

And I went, a weekend, that's not bad. And he goes, a show. And I went, what the hell? I was like, you're getting $25,000 a show? I was like, holy shit. I mean, it floored me. I was like, this is where you are, Bert. This is where you're standing today.

This is, it's like blood work. It was like a slice of humble pie. Yeah. And I was like, wow. Wow. And he's like, yeah. And if I do this, I'm going to be able to buy a house. And I went, no, no, no, no.

I want you to buy house. I want you to be happy. And I was like, okay. But I realized where I was at that moment. And I went, okay, no one's going to help me. No one gives a fuck about me. No one cares. If I, if I piss and moan in the back of the store, no one cares.

No one gives a shit. I have to give a shit first. Yes. And I went out and I started, I started thinking, no idea is a bad idea. First thing I did was I did promo videos. Started doing promo videos. They didn't all pop. but I posted them, it didn't matter.

If it added 10 tickets sales, it mattered. I started doing posters for every weekend. Those started making a dent. I started coming up with my own ideas, and I would not listen to anybody. Yeah. I would listen to like four people, probably Joe, Tom, Leanne, and that really was it.

Yeah. And I created my career. I remember I always had to deal at NBC, and they wanted me to focus on this sitcom about me, a beer guy who, you know, sells beer and parties at all the bars and then goes home to his family hammered. And I was like, that's a dumb idea. That's not a great dad. And I remember Tom and I were doing the weight loss challenge with Joe. And NBC called up and they're like, yo, we need your notes on the script. And Leanne, in total Leanne move goes, oh, you lost him. They're like,

what? She goes, oh, he's done. He's not going to do this TV show. And they were like, what? And she's like, he's fat shaming his best friend. He's having a ton of fun doing that. and it's affecting, like, it's getting traction for him. And, you know, everything that I was doing for myself was garnering traction. And I started, like, really getting curious about the business. And it was like, and it was life-changing. But that moment, I had to create for myself. And in doing that, I missed a lot of shit with the girls.

You know, I missed, I remember at one point, the girls were like, can you not do Instagram stories? And I was like, what? I went through that with Bailey, too. We had, I think every parent that's in the, limelight kind of has to go through that with their kids. Yeah. You know what they used to do?

I'd go, I'd be like, you know, what's up? Everybody, San Francisco. And they go, dad beats mom. And I'd be like, whoa, what are you doing? I think I remember that era. Yeah. Yeah. I do think I remember that era.

But I mean, at least now, one, you've provided a life for them. And I know that that doesn't suffice memories and being and spending time with them. But now you've created a life to where you can hang out with them. And like, you can connect with them, especially now that they're, adults too. They turn so much cooler when they get to be like 17, 18. The teenagers were a fucking nightmare though. Oh. I can't even, I don't even, I don't even think we should delve into that. Leanne, Leanne was like, you're acting like a scorned boyfriend. I was, I remember saying to Leanne, I was like, what's going on with Georgia? She's like, she's just

growing up. And I was like, she got her own things. And I was like, I just got to pretend I'm not not that into her. She was like, she's like, no, that's not it. That's not it. She's like, no, no, don't do that, that's not it. So everything that you've accomplished, like, you know, selling out stadiums,

Netflix shows, movies about your life. Like, what does Bert want to do in this next chapter of his life? So funny, I was, I was talking about this on the ride over. Yeah. So there's not, there's no clear roadmap for the world that comedies in right now. Comedy's in a really unique place where usually back in the day, if you were 53,

you didn't tell us anyone you were 53 and your career was kind of over. Usually. Maybe you could get a role in like cocoon or something, you know, I mean, but that's, you know, that's like, as an extra. The golden girls were in their 50s. Yeah. So like there was no real roadmap for where we're headed. And absolutely. And I say this like, I was saying that sometimes, I say wild shit, just shelve whether or not it's accurate, understand the emotion in it. But there was no,

when I was coming up, there was no real 53-year-old comic doing arenas. There was, 53-year-old comics weren't big. It wasn't the hot thing. Yeah. It was 26-year-olds and 30-year-olds. And like, maybe.

I mean, look, man, the Sandler's and them, they were making movies, but, you know, it was the young people. And now it's like, dude the greatest it's ever done at is Chappelle he's 53 I'm 53 uh burs 56 rogan's 56 you know Tommy's 49 48 you know all of us are like grown men and we're all still building and still doing and opportunities are still coming to us and I feel like we're a different

breed than what is it called ageism I feel like ageism has gotten so much better in this era like as it was compared to back then because like you said the golden girl girls were in their 50s. I'm not going to look like that in five years when I'm fucking 50. Fuck that. You know, but I just feel like we're all like kind of finding like our second prime because I know I didn't get to really have a prime. I was so strung out on pills and alcohol and cocaine that I couldn't enjoy my 20s and 30s, you know, but like going into my 40s and my 50s like I'm ready to fucking turn up and I feel like you guys are all the same way. I feel like I feel like I haven't I feel like I just scratched the surface. And I feel like I have also we showed up with the

The industry changed entirely. Yeah. Entirely. I mean, you know, you look at like late-night talk shows or, or, I love the goats, you know, but like these are going to get more views. Right. This is going to get more views. Absolutely.

And it's more valuable for me to call Gillis and go, yo, man, can I do your podcast than to reach out to a, to a publicist to go, hey, can you please set up to do the Today Show? Absolutely. And I'll probably do the Today Show. And you're limited on what you can say on that. those things. Yes. And you can't really be a full, like, you know, so I don't know what I want, meaning like someone was like, isn't your goal really, this has been the big talk to help younger comedians. And I go, yeah, but I can, I can do that, but they got to help themselves or it's not

theirs, you know, like Joe helped us, but he just introduced, he just put us on a show and he gave us great advice, but he wasn't like overbearing like, you have to do this. He, knew you had to want it. You had to want to be undeniable. Yeah. And so I remember Joe from Fear Factor. I grew up in Vegas and Joe used to gamble all the time there. I had a girlfriend who dated him. So I remember Joe when he had hair. Oh, I do too. I do too. Like a lot of people don't remember that Joe. I remember the last few days of Joe's hair. Yeah. I do. That's crazy. When the wind blows. So does the hair. I think, you know, I know I have a special do at Netflix in 2026. Yeah.

That's the material I'm working on now. I've enjoyed it working on this. Look, when I started doing, I mean, this is how crazy things have changed. When I started doing specials for Netflix, maybe there were 50 specials a year released. Yeah. Maybe. I would guess there were probably 700 to 1,000 specials released. Streaming has gone.

Released last year? Yeah. I mean, it's YouTube, everyone, and by the way, a lot of really great specials out there. Yeah. A lot of really great specials. And then you also have the great ones and then you have really great ones and then you have really bad ones. And so like now I look at a special and go, does the world need another special?

Right. You know, I'll do this one. But I'm not going to, I'll tell you what, I'm not going to be banging down Netflix door going, give me a special. Right. If they want one, I will absolutely do one. But maybe I take three years to do it, four years to do it. Maybe, you know, I really love acting.

I didn't think I was going to like it as much as I did. I really love acting and I love developing. I love making my own projects. I've always loved podcasting, but I feel like, you know, when we were talking today, I feel like, you know, this is a really fun conversation for me, but I'm certain I've said things twice that I've said before. And you're like, I would love to have all original thoughts.

And then the other part of me was like, you know, I woke up today in the Airbnb and I was like, I don't need much for a house. I was like, maybe I just travel more with Leanne. Like we really loved living in a condo in Atlanta when we were doing the show. Yeah. And I was like,

maybe I just, maybe the goal is life isn't guaranteed. And so maybe I just go and travel and just have fun. Yeah. You know, like when we went to Paris, I mean, why am I not going to Paris once a month?

Yeah. It's, we fell in love with Rome. I loved Rome. I know that's not Paris, but Italy, like, oh my God,

we fell in love with Rome. We had so much fun of there. We took the girls to Rome and that was a fucking hysterical trip. I remember I missed. That's when they called me. That's where I got the name baby walrus. I guess when I get excited I do this thing where I go, and that's where they had ice cold watermelon.

Yeah. And they got me a sleeping. I was sleeping and they were like, hey, wake up. You're in Rome. You're only in Rome with us. once dad get up and meet us at the restaurant down the block so i walked out of the restaurant uh i walked out of the hotel the hotel across street was where kirk cobain had overdosed so this a little i was a big fan and i had this moment of clarity and i sit down and the guy goes is this him

and they go yeah and he puts out ice cold watermelon and a um and an apparel spritz and i just went and they go oh look at baby walrus and from that day I mean our chat threads baby walrus I love that when I get excited yeah I love that but yeah I don't know you know what's I go wise go wise I don't I don't want to write a book I did not enjoy that process it's a rough process I would do a self-help book like with all my fucked up brain stuff like number number one thing in the self-help book give yourself a nickname the Birt Bible yeah um but I I don't know. I don't know. I love that. I love that you don't have a game plan. It's like that I think let's normalize people not having a game plan. You know, everybody always has to

have something so structured. And it's like for once in your life, you're actually, I feel like you've never had a game plan and that you've kind of like always succeeded by not having a game plan. I think, you know, it's also, it's like, you know, Tiger Woods, when he was kid, he wrote all his goals on the thing based on Jack Nicholas's goals. Yeah. And so he had, that was his roadmap. And I think a lot of us were like, you know, Dane got a Comedy Center Presents, we need a Comedy Center presents. Oh, Dane's doing arenas. We got to do arenas. Dan's doing theaters. We got to do theaters. Dane was our roadmap for so long. Yeah. And then Joe was our roadmap. Oh, we've got to get a podcast. We got to get big numbers on podcast. You got to get big guests on podcasts. And then all

the sudden, these roadmaps just started getting more and more faint. It's like when you walk, you ever, have you ever gotten lost in the woods? It's really a surreal experience because at one point you are very certain you're on a path and then at one point and then it gets dark and you're like am I off the path and it's a terrifying terrifying feeling to get lost in the woods and it get dark with no compass and no service and no anything and no flashlight. It's the beginning of a horror movie. It's also wildly exhilarating if you if you know that look I'm not going to die out here tonight. I know the cars over there. I know everyone's partying over there. I know I'm lost, but we're getting through this. And so I think that's where I am. I feel like it's, I feel like the sun's setting and I'm in the

woods and I know where I'm headed, but it is getting a little thick. I love that analogy, though. It's so perfect for you. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here today. I love you to death. I love you. I feel like there's a beautiful bond that our families share. Yeah. And I think they're weirdly interchangeable of like jelly and leanne and me and you are all our little eccentricities and jelly and me and you and leann i mean i love it i think it's it's really awesome so they should bring back the show wife swap and we go on it that would be a fucking can you imagine lian putting my husband in check that would be fucking hilarious i would i would i would pay money and just me and you would just be watching live rings canes of their house yeah literally

just like holy shit we're like the golden retrievers and they're the pit bulls. Oh my God. I can't imagine. I remember the best, the best moment. Like, take it out if you want.

But this is like, we're doing the 5K and the one in Tampa and jelly flies in overnight into Tampa. And Lanz goes to sleep and he's got to run at like 1230, like 1.30. And the whole. crew shows up. The whole crew and the band managers, everyone shows up. My husband, it rolls

with a friggin entourage. And they're like jelly's asleep. And they're like, cool. And they're like, now I'd watch Leanne do this thing. She's a bulldog. Jason Kelsey walked up. She goes, Jason, I'm a person. You need anything you tell me. And Jason Kelsey is not really

aware. He's a pro athlete. She goes, I can go for pancakes. And she was like, huh? And he's like pancakes. He goes, okay. And so Leanne sourced fucking pancakes at Tampa Bay Stadium for Jason Kelsey. No one could's getting pancakes. They brought a chef in to make pancakes for Jason Kelsey within 30 minutes. Wow.

So we're sitting around. It's one o'clock. We're all on stage. Everyone's there. All that's going to happen is ladies and gentlemen, jelly is about to roll in. It's our final heat. We all run and the party starts.

That's when the party really gets going. And some of the band members were like, he's sleeping. And they're like, I was like, okay, well, have someone wake him up. And they're like, nah. They're like, we want to keep our jobs. And I go, what do you mean? They're like, I'm not waking him up.

And then they look at each other. I'm not waking him up. I'm fucking waking him up. I want to play tomorrow. And I was like, what do you mean you want to play tomorrow? They're like, I'm no one's waking him up. So we go to the tour manager. Everybody goes, hey, can you wake up jelly?

And he goes, no. And they go, and then they say very candidly, they go, I don't think he's going to run. And we're like, what do you mean? They're like, well, he's sleeping. I go, no, but he flew here to run it. We should wake him up. And they're like, do you want to wake him up?

And I was like, well, not after all these things. Like, what happens when you wake him up? Is it bad? And they're like, trust me, you don't want to wake him up. And then Leanne just goes, what are we talking about? And they go, jellies asleep in the hotel. And she goes, what hotel? And they go, when we're right?

She goes, I'll go wake him up. And I was like, if there's ever been a person to wake him up. And she goes, fuck it. Get me a car. I'm going to wake him up right now. I don't get a fuck. And then all of a sudden someone goes, he's up. He's up.

He's on his way over. And I was like, man, we dodged the perfect storm. I would love that video. Jelly, get the fuck up. Yeah. Get the fuck up. Yeah. Get the fuck up.

I would pay Leanne to do that one day. And you know what? Leanne's probably the only person who could get away with it. I swear to God. And I was like, I know I'm not sending her to her death, but I'm sending her to a battle. But I go, she's going to come out with a couple scars. I'll have a couple scars. and we'll run this 5K.

Yeah, no, for sure. I would have paid to have seen that any time, dude, yeah. So definitely we need to, like, make a wife swap. I think that would be so funny. And we'll just live stream. There's the entire time. Live stream it on Twitch. Let's do it.

Oh, my God. I'm so down. Do you know what? They'd probably fucking, they'd probably turn into this perfect fucking power couple. Oh. And just start dominating everything. And she's like, hey, you clean the kitchen?

Better don't clean the kitchen. And he's like, oh, I can do tapigs anywhere. Listen, if she could get my husband to clean the kitchen, I'll marry, Ann, okay? How about that? Bert, I'll be Mrs. Steelier girl, all right? Oh, that's great. Thank you so much for coming.

I love you. I can't wait to do your podcast later. I can't wait. Do you know Leanne Morgan? I have interviewed her. Oh, for real? Yes, we talked about menopause. It was great.

Oh, I can't fucking wait. She's hilarious. She is. So have you ever met her? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've known Leanne. I've known Leanne for a long time.

Oh, good. Not, not, I mean, but just like, I've known her for a while. Yeah. No, love her to death. Can't wait. Can't wait to sit down with you. I can't wait. Always come and visit me.

Next time bring Leanne. Let's hang out. My TV show, Freebert, is streaming on Netflix. January 22nd. That's my birthday. Is it really? It is my birthday. Oh.

And so check it out. It is a fictionalized version of my real life and this moment in my life where I had this huge transition that we've talked about a little bit of where everything kind of went to shit. And we were at a school where I didn't. fit in and I felt like all the dads were cool and had money and I didn't and I tried to fit in and I kind of fucked it up and then I found my own way and and it's all about that and I'll simply say by now you'll probably have seen the trailer and so I hope you liked it but if you're hearing

this today remember the 22nd stream it and if you like it word of mouth is like the greatest thing just tell people tell people who like it you know shared on social media and and enjoy it I think I think it's bizarre, but I think it's really good. Yay, I can't wait. I'm so excited. Yeah, it's good. I think, yeah, I think people like it. I love it.

Love you, Bert. Love you, too. Thank you guys for turning into another episode of Dumbloid. I'll see you guys next week. Bye.