Dumb Blonde - Hawk Talks

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

Bunnie sits down with Hawk, one of social media's most controversial figures. They open up about the messy moments in life including family trauma and addiction and how they got to a place where they could be the best friend, mom, and business person possible. Hawk talks about not letting the haters dim your light and what's next for a wild 2023.  Hawk: OF | IG    Watch Full Episodes & More: www.dumbblondeunrated.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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all right gentlemen coming to main stage next this is bunny get up there she's got a tornado of titties coming your way get those dollar bills ready she's got an ass that shakes like michael j fox so get up there and throw throw throw them dollars dude that is fucking iconic what's up you sexy motherfuckers welcome to another episode of dumb blonde today i have one of the more controversial tiktok stars sitting on my couch and i am so excited to go down the rabbit hole with her hawk is in the house, baby. What's up? Hey. How are you doing? Thriving. How are you? Baby, I am living. Blessed and living. I'm so happy you're here. Thank you for having me. Dude, I, you know, we were talking a little bit about this before the podcast. I am so happy to have you here because I feel like

there is so much bullshit on the Internet. And I am just here because I want people to fall in love with you. You know, and that's one of the main. And, you know, you also have a huge advocate in your corner, Joanna Angel. And she just loves the shit out of you, too. So I love her so much. I'm excited to tell a little bit of my story. I've really just stayed quiet the past few months and

I've just like let the universe handle everything. Yeah. But then when Joanna told me about you, I was like, let's do it. Yeah. Like, let's fucking let's go for it. I'm willing to talk. I love it. We'll deep dive into some things. But let's start out like, where did you grow up? Let's paint a picture for people so that they know where you came from. And also you do go by pronouns, right? They, them. They, them. So I'm going to try my hardest to if I do something wrong, just correct me. But I'm willing to learn, you know, so I don't ever want to, you know, insult somebody indirectly by not using the right pronouns.

So just let me know. I appreciate that. Yeah, for sure. So where did you grow up um I grew up in a small town in Ohio okay so like literally middle of nowhere gotcha so um I moved around a lot like we were like poor poor like going without water for months at a time living in the snow belt poor um and was it were your parents together or was it sometimes single mom yeah my mom I have an older brother and a younger sister and it was like pretty much just us know my mom was my hero growing up like

she was a fucking kick-ass mom um but addiction runs in my family and like one year i think I was like 14, maybe 15. She kind of just snapped and started drinking. So after that, me and my mom, she's a Capricorn. I'm a Cancer. Like we go head to head. Technically, you guys are soulmate signs. Yeah. Well, we put each other in each other's places so yeah I did a lot of living um with my grandparents for a lot of my life after things started to go bad like when my mom started drinking so was there something that

happened that triggered her drinking or that you know of or you just I think once, honestly, I feel like it was like once she realized all of our kids could do things for themselves, she was like, okay, like a switch just flipped. Right. So that was really hard. And you said you weren't close with your dad. He was in and out. Yeah, he was in and out. He runs in and out he um he runs sound for like this like one hit wonder 90s band so who is it am I allowed to do are we allowed to say who it is yeah so it was for a band called okay do you know I for some reason it sounds familiar but I'm not sure so um my dad was just kind of in and out he was basically like a fun uncle right now he would show up take you out and then drop you back off right but my mom after i got a lot older and like i lived you know

my life i realized that like my mom had such a hard life So and we have a tendency to like dads can fuck up really all they want. Right. We hold moms to this crazy standard. And I think that's another reason that like she had snapped the way that she did. The pressure. Yeah. A lot of people. That's actually pretty, you know, awesome that you realize that because a lot of parents project their childhood trauma onto their children yeah and i feel like our generation of parents just didn't know how to heal

you know so instead of healing they just kept that generational trauma going and going and going yeah i think we're the generational trauma breakers no i wholeheartedly agree with that. Yeah. Like 100%. My mom, what's crazy is now she got diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. So she stopped drinking and we finally started getting along. And my brother has some really bad anxiety. So I had to be in charge of like everything when she had gotten sick and now we're like best friends I love that it's like I go over there like once a week we have dinner how's she doing health-wise she's okay yeah yeah it's finding out how she was sick was the craziest thing she was having these insane headaches and like i get treated for migraines and i've had to been i like i've had to be put in the hospital

for my migraines because they just get bad yeah um but she had a migraine for probably like two months and i was like they're not supposed to last more than like four days. Yeah. Like get your ass in the car. We're going to the hospital. But the way that we grew up, if you're not like showing bones or just like bleeding or dying, like you don't go to the hospital. Right. So I put my mom in my car and we get to the hospital.

They take her for a brain scan they were like hey you're not leaving you have a brain bleed and you also have like two tumors oh my gosh they shipped her to this other hospital that i wasn't allowed to be at because covid um was still pretty bad and then they were like hey so you actually you actually have, like, five tumors, and they put her in for emergency surgery, and she got, like, from here to here cut. It was a bilateral craniotomy. Oh, my God. Yeah, and then it turns out there was actually 14. There were just, like, microscopic, and we found out it was cancerous, and then she only had one tumor in her lung. The rest just went straight to her brain.

Wow. So that's how we found out. Wow. It was so fast. It happened within like days. Oh, that is so hurtful too. That's a lot to process at one time. Yeah.

So let's rewind it back. You said that you're at 14. You had to start go living with your grandparents. Yeah. How does that you're at 14. You had to start go living with your grandparents. Yeah. How does that make young Hawk feel? Happy. My granny is my whole heart. Like I have the best or I had the best relationship with her.

Shout out for good grandmas, right? Honestly. Yeah. And people that were raised by their grandparents are just like a totally different breed of people um but my mom and i didn't get along very well because like i was when i was like 13 years old my aunt was giving me like percocet for babysitting for her which sparked a problem and with me and my mom, it was like the alcoholic calling the junkie, you know, an addict. You wouldn't. How old were you when you took your first pill? 12 or 13. Wow. That was a huge part you left out. Yeah. Yeah. So 12 years

old, you take who gives you your first Percocet your aunt yeah my aunt we called her um aunt minnie and she had two kids and she would let me babysit for her and i thought she was so cool like she let me smoke cigarettes in her house and like i was like she's so fucking cool and she was giving me like percocet and vicodin for babysitting for her which snowballed into obviously later on in life of full-blown heroin addiction yeah we'll get to that for sure so you're 12 years old taking Percocets mom starts drinking at 14 you have a full-blown addiction by the time you're 14 right yeah just pretty much like and when you we addiction, can you paint that picture? Like what? How many were you taking a day? Like, you know what? Because that's really young to be. Yeah. When I was in high school, it wasn't it wasn't as bad. I was just taking things whenever I got

them. So like maybe on the weekends or maybe like on a school night still young to be popping perks yeah yeah i mean i had no idea what withdrawals were until i was probably about 17 wow and then i was like doing morphine during my high school career my um my brother had this friend who had cancer and he had leukemia and he was in like a wheelchair and not many people wanted to be like friends with him and him and my brother had this strange dynamic where you could tell that um our friend like he just wanted to make friends he felt like an outcast because he missed so much school right and my brother you know used me it's like it's funny for me to laugh at it but he was like i need you to take a walk with this kid and like he's gonna hug you and put stuff in your pocket and i was like yeah all right

whatever right and i feel like being in the middle of nowhere you know things like that were so normalized oh yeah for sure drugs really were just like normalized and it's scary especially like ohio too because you know the cold winters like there's nothing to do for you guys out there for the kids i started using drugs when i was 16. Yeah. Yeah. 16 is when I, the first time I started using drugs, but, um, you know, like, and it's just a different way of life on that side of the world, you know, trash has been on the podcast and she's from Ohio and she started doing, she's from Ohio. Yeah. Oh my God. I think she still lives there right now. Um. Right outside of Columbus or in Columbus. Yeah.

And she started using at a very young age, too, because she said that's really all that you guys have to do out there is to just do drugs. Yeah. So walk me through Hawk in high school. You went to your grandparents house. Are you living at your grandparents house full time and just kind of bouncing around? So I would go up to my mom's house on the weekends. Did your mom know about your addiction? Sort of.

Okay. She sort of knew about it. She had like a feeling. And my brother and my mom were very close with each other. So he had no problem telling things, you know, to my mom. But I was like, don't be a rat. Don't be a fucking snake. Like, don't rat me out.

I'm already kicked out of here so like let me you know see our little sister and things like that it was hard going up to my mom's house for me though because my brother would always like throw parties and i remember like we didn't have electric at the house um no we had electric we didn't have heat so the stove was running um to keep the place warm they pulled out all the food out of the fridge and they just put beer in it and my sister's like four years younger than me so i really stopped coming around because I was like my little sister lives in this fucking house I can't I cannot do this right is it because it hurt you to see her living

in that situation it did and there was nothing that I could do about it so my sister went and she lived with our aunt for a while not aunt mini right nope not okay no like damn it my mom has like six brothers and sisters okay gotcha well honestly like 12 my granny married my papa and she had seven kids and he had six kids wow and then they moved in together so we have like a big old smart Italian family yeah okay you're Italian yeah okay gotcha yeah so um it was really hard so I bounced around a lot it's like always been inside of me yeah you didn't really have stability yeah and my mom would always like get evicted from a place and we we really just bounced this house that I'm living in right now

with my daughter we've been there for two and a half years and that's the like that is the longest I've ever lived in a house and I'm 28 yeah I understand that I didn't have stability really until um Jay and I decided to settle down and actually build a home together and that was last year and that was after being together for five years you know we were finally like yeah we've got to start putting roots somewhere you know yeah it's crazy whenever you have traumatic you know childhood such as what i've had and what he's had and you've had it's hard for you to put in roots somewhere because you feel like you don't belong you know okay yeah so your sister went to go live with the aunt not aunt minnie not aunt minnie yeah my sweet

aunt patty she's an amazing angel good even though she's a Gemini. Yeah. Like that's okay. Geminis can either be one or one or the other. So I feel like it's very rare to find a good one. And when you do hold on to them. You know what? I have like four Gemini placements and my birth chart. I have so much shit to talk about Geminis and everybody's like, well, what about you and all your Gemini placements? And I'm like, it's a Gemini thing. Yeah. Like you wouldn't get it. Yeah. We're allowed to talk about ourselves yeah I can say this it's from experience I love that I'm moving in with Aunt Patty and I had lived with um my grandma and my mom at some point she put me through um dental school because I was failing I'm pretty sure I had like a 0.5 GPA. Like I did not give a fuck. Well,

you were doing drugs. Yeah. Yeah. I was high. And when I wasn't high, I was taking Adderall in school. There was this chick in my high school who sold me her Adderall 30 milligram extended releases for $1 a day. Wow. She didn't even even know she didn't even know that like the power she held yeah and i was like for people nowadays would pay top dollar for those literally so i struggled with my weight a lot in um high school because of the fact that like i was doing adderall i was drinking four logos every weekend like whatever i could get my hands on were you overweight underweight I was underweight I was like 17 years old and like 70 pounds wow you are very tiny like when you came in I was like she's like Joanna's size like you guys are like fun size I have like a

very tiny build but I I think that like doing Adderall in high school very much so contributed to like having an eating disorder later on in life just like out of stress you know what I mean yeah so but we're here yeah and we're thriving yeah for sure baby so moving on from you know she she lived with Aunt Minnie you had your full-blown addiction take me from there there. What does Baby Hawk do then? So I went through dental school. Right. And I met my best friend in the entire world. And she really tried to help me through a lot of it.

Does she have a name? Her name is Haley. Haley, okay. Oh, we have a Haley. Yeah. My makeup artist is Haley. She is one of the best people to this day that I've ever met. She's actually engaged my assistant now.

So, like, we're just all together. And my assistant is my cousin. Right. So, yeah, you got to have people you trust. Yeah. In your circle. We just hired on an assistant, and it's her sister. Yeah.

Yeah. Literally. And, like, Haley helps me with like my social media pages and things like that like but back then things were really hard she loved me and like we went through we basically lived out of her car together once I was like old enough and granny like you know let me do what I wanted and hang out with friends it was just me and her um struggling partying every weekend together um where was your addiction at um at this point it was a lot of drinking yeah back then yeah and I really it wasn't until I was like 18 when I met my child's father that like I became heavily addicted to like downers.

Right. That was like high school. It just seemed when I look back at it, it just seemed like fun, like whatever I could get my hands on whenever it wasn't like the mentality where I was like, I'm going to get sick without this. Right. You know. And then I feel like it always starts off fun. And then you're and then once it gets a hold of you, you're like, holy shit, this shit just got real. Yeah. You don't realize how bad it is until you're like literally sweating, shaking and crying and like you can't sleep and you're like what the fuck did i do yeah or like you put somebody in danger or like something really

bad has to happen for you to realize how bad it is one time my mom and mom if you watch this i'm so sorry but but you guys are in such a great place now we are and this is just painting a picture of where you've came from so people can maybe understand you know some things about you yeah it a lot of where i came from also like ties into the controversy of like the things that the internet has to say about me now right because i you know i made jokes about like growing up in a trailer park and things like that and people are like oh well this explains like you saying these things when you were younger and i'm like the point is right in your face yeah like it's right here you don't understand I did not give a fuck about anything or anybody up until I probably

hit age like 23 yeah and I don't justify anything no like I there is you're growing up though and I think people on the internet don't allow people to have mistakes because lord knows they've never fucked up ever in their life yeah you know and I know and I know when I was your, you're 25 now or how 28, 28 now. Okay. Yeah. It's still young. I'm 42. When I was 28, I was fucking doing eight balls of cocaine off strippers, asses, fucking robbing men for their money. Like I was doing fucked up shit and it wasn't an excuse for my age. But when you grow up in an environment, if you don't know, you can't do better if you don't know better, you know, and if you don't have those influences showing you to do the right things or, Hey, you're not allowed to say that, or, you know, Hey, this isn't proper form, you know, you're going to have to figure it out on your own.

And that's what I try to preach to everybody is like, it's so easy for people to point fingers, but Lord knows when fingers are pointing back at them they can't stand it yeah so fuck all them yeah that's that's how i feel like about the internet now i'm like i'm not asking anybody to like me yeah i'm not i've never asked anybody to stand up for me or stand up for that person that i was because i see those videos and like i don't even look like that like I don't recognize that person at all yeah and I've never even tried to be the person that was like I didn't know any better because I I did know better I did not give a fuck I was heavy on drugs for like so much of my life right I did not care about who I hurt or what i hurt like none of it mattered i didn't

even think i would be alive until like where i'm at now if i could sit little hawk down and just like explain where my life is now the fact that i am a mother like a fucking kick-ass mother the fact that like we got sober and like I left an abusive relationship if I could sit little hawk down and just be like just hold on just get it together for a fucking minute yeah it will get better I can't let's let's keep exploring that so you left off at you met your baby's father. And that's kind of like when you started falling in love with downers. Yeah. So I. How old were you when you met him?

18. Yeah. I was 18. I was living on my friend's couch because my my granny, you know, she had rules. It was 10 p.m. every night, you know. Heaven forbid you have rules. Yeah. So I was like, you know heaven forbid you have rules yeah so i was like you know what i'm going on this fucking couch i was literally like down the street from her house so i was there

all the time did she ever worry about you or she trusted the friend she worried about me like crazy crazy. And in her eyes, I could do no wrong. And I did. I fucked up a whole lot. And my family had a whole lot to say about me. And she was like, don't talk about my girl. So she was like the one person on this earth that really just understood me, even when she didn't understand me. I remember after I gave birth to my daughter okay we'll get to that we'll get to that we'll we'll talk about it's hard to talk about childhood and stay on track and i didn't realize how hard it was until we had to do my life story podcast yeah and then we got done i was like i left out so much shit because it's literally like so hard to fucking yeah like who is that person right it's

just like it's so weird so i get it and all my all my listeners get it too and okay somehow the stories always tie back in together it just works so don't worry about it all right so you met baby daddy i met baby daddy there i will say now there's a lot about mine and his relationship that like I can't talk about okay because I think that when my daughter gets older these are things that she needs to hear from me right you know before she like sees online absolutely one day she's gonna grow up and she's gonna find all these things out about me and I've made it a point to not talk much right about her father because it was absolutely fucking bonkers you guys were 18 so yeah we were trying to figure it out together it was um after meeting him it was one of the hardest times of my life and we were like on and

off and his mom didn't like me at the time she's my best friend now i go to her house twice a week for dinner yeah um but what what's that movie um with like the chick from david bowie's labyrinth and jared leto do you know what movie i'm talking about i can visualize it i can visualize what my life was like wow with him um requiem for a dream yes requiem for a dream yes so that was a lot that was i mean we were together from ages like 18 until 23 so you guys did we let to talk about the addiction you guys did use together we did use together and how you don't have to really talk about his i don't know anything about this so this is all the stuff that i'm learning yeah so if i you know like i said if there's something you don't want to talk about just say you don't want to talk about it okay um

so the addiction part were you like shooting up were you snorting like what what was happening you know what for some reason i thought i had this moral high ground when it came to shooting up yeah so i ruined my nose like i have no cartilage in my nose it literally my um my septum is like touching my nostril. My nose is forever fucked up. I have to do nasal sprays, allergy pills every day. No surgeries will fix it. When I laugh, I blow bubbles sometimes with my nose.

Super embarrassing, but like I did that. She's like, I earned those stripes. Yeah. So it was, everything was just put up my nose or like I would smoke it. It, it all started out like doing Percocet. Right. And this is also like my intro to sex work because like back then when Vine was a thing, I, I had like a pretty big following on vine and um we he had realized like how much money i could make if i was selling nudes and we rolled with it and

like it just it turned into a lot of things that like I didn't want to be doing, which added to the addiction. I was just like, make more money, you know, just do more drugs so I don't have to feel what the fuck I'm doing. Right. It was very, very ugly for a very long time. Yeah. So you guys were pretty much you got into sex work to kind of feed you guys's addiction and also to be able to put a roof over your guys's head yeah a lot of it was um up to me it was like it was on me to feed the family there was like a lot of pressure

and then um I had gotten pregnant right okay I was gonna say when did you get pregnant I got pregnant and um well how old were you when you got pregnant I gave birth at 22 so I was like 21 21 yeah when I got pregnant um I got clean as soon as when I found out I was pregnant I was in the hospital visiting my granny and she literally said to me, she was, she had to get this surgery behind her ear, but she had to stay awake. And she was like, I saw my brother and I saw my dad and they wanted me to go with them, but I knew there was a reason. I just don't know what the reason is. I told them no. And then I went down to the er for uti and they were like you're one week pregnant so i went one week wow one week and then i had to wait a few weeks because they were like we don't know if it's

a miscarriage we don't know if it's like a tubal pregnancy you had a tubal pregnancy no they said that they didn't know because it was only one weekend i had to wait for like the ultrasound and figuring out like my hormone levels. Right. Stuff like that. Yeah. But when I went upstairs and I told my granny, she was like, I fucking knew that was the reason I had to be here. We love granny.

I absolutely love her. So how does 21 year old Hawk feel, you know, being an addict? And you were only doing Percocets or were you doing like addict where and you were only doing percocets or were you doing like heroin then i was only doing percocets okay um how do you feel you find out that you're pregnant and i was scared i was very scared because i was scared about making money you know i was scared about like what if like getting clean i was so scared about getting clean because i'm like what if i lost the baby yeah so scared about getting clean because I'm like what if I lost the baby yeah when you were doing sex work we were you in porn or were you it was it

was just it was all snapchat stuff okay like things like it was all like ran through me you know things like that yeah um so I ended up getting clean I was so sick I was sick for probably like a week and I was so scared about you know losing the baby but it was so early like I had a chance yeah you know what I mean and everything everything was fine I was still with you know my child's father which was um it was hard it was hard still doing you know taking care of everything so you had to still do sex work while you were pregnant yeah he just refused to work or yeah he would he would get a job for like two weeks to like show his mom that he was trying right but it would never last right um so yeah a lot of it a lot of it was

on me I like I didn't have much access to my phone um there there was a lot that like I lost so much of me right why didn't you have access to your phone because um it like it wasn't me running my accounts to like make the money I was just there to like be the body right I guess um who was running at him okay gotcha yeah it was it was messy it was just like a what's hard about this this is like my first time ever really talking about him and like there's so many details like I can't get into but like it's been over five years and like I'm just now unpacking it and like therapy and like I blocked out so much of that relationship so I like I really don't even have that many details because like my brain went into survival mode right and i like was there physical abuse of

any sort or just not really like arguments would get very heated and it would get very scary it was it was a lot of like emotional abuse it was a lot of pressure on me a lot of like threatening that i would just be like booted to the street or like me and my daughter wouldn't have like a place it was it was scary yeah and so in my head i was like i have to be a good mom i have to like i have to feed the family you know what I mean like you want to do whatever the fuck you can different than what your mom was yeah yeah and I felt after I left him well how old were you when you left him I left him um this September after she was born she was born in February so um the reason that I had left him was I got this um I had gotten this message from some random follower and um it was like in detail what they were going to do to me

and like they involved my daughter and like they talked about like raping me and like just like the ways that they would murder me while my daughter would like cry out my name like it was the sickest thing I've ever received so I quit I called my mom I said mom I am going to die I am going to die like if you don't pick me up and um she did who was it you never found out who it was it was just somebody he was affiliated with or just like a crazy fan I think it was a crazy fan wow so um and I I like I didn't want to go to the cops because I'm like i make you know yeah i make explicit content they're just gonna tell me it's my fucking fault yeah i knew better but i was scared for my fucking life so i left and he and i have a great relationship now we're both clean and sober

yeah and he takes her you know almost every now. And he's a great fucking dad. He really is. We just weren't good together. Yeah. That's OK. It was probably very passionate. Most passionate relationships are extremely toxic. Yeah. I feel like you can't have health and growth in a relationship. Yeah. And passion. Like it's you have to pick. It's like one or the other. You know, like it's. Yeah. Either get your back banged out and fucking argue all the time or fucking be straight and narrow. And, you know, like I just. Yeah. Yeah. When we first met, it was like a fucking fairy tale. Like everything seemed too good to be true. And like that's because you guys trauma bonded and love bombed each other, I'm sure. Yeah. So anxious attachment also. Yeah, definitely. So take me on this journey of you

being sober and being a mom and you're back at your mom's house. So I was at my mom's house for maybe like two weeks because we just don't get along. She's like, you're a junkie. And I'm like, you're an alcoholic. Like, what are we going to do here? So you guys are like sisters. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah. So I called his mom and I was like, I need help, you know, and and my daughter like we need we need a good, healthy place to stay. I can't be here. Like after I left him, I vowed that like nobody would ever raise their voice at me in front of my daughter again. Like, that is just, to this day, that is just a standard that I hold. I don't give a fuck who it is. Right. So I called his mom, and I was like, listen, I know you've seen me and him fuck up a lot. But, like, I want to do right. So I moved in with them.

I lived in their basement. My daughter had her own room. We became best friends. And, like, where was baby daddy at had his own place i don't i think he had his own place i don't really remember what he was doing because the first the first year he didn't see her as much um it was too hard on him yeah and i was like oh that that must be really fucking hard for you like how convenient right right but so so easy for dudes to tap out but yeah forbid if a mom does exactly so i stayed with um i stayed with his parents and they were

just the sweetest most everything i learned about like being a fucking great kick-ass mom i really just like learned from her oh i love her with all of my heart and her husband is cool but like i like women i respect women a lot more yeah we're girls girls yeah um and then i started doing tick tock like when i lived with them it was years ago so you already had like a pretty big following on vine do you think that followed you to tiktok i think i had like 13 000 followers on instagram when i started tiktok so like that's it you know yeah that was a pretty decent size following for um back then right and you know a lot of these people had watched me go through like it was it was all very public like I would be crying on you know social media platforms about like

how I was scared I was gonna get kicked out I like I never really had like healthy coping mechanisms so like social media was also like always you weren't taught any of that you know as i mean you had your grandma but you know but she didn't know shit about social media she well i'm talking about like coping mechanisms and stuff like that you know like that's taught you know yeah how to present yourself to the world so talk to me about getting on tiktok so i got on tiktok um it was fun it was like i think i was like one year sober you know so like so your sobriety is pretty new yeah i'm five years off of um heroin so i i had you know a hiccup after my daughter was born um in september which is what led to me like you know leaving and all of that because i was like this is so this i'm not being

the mom i want to be so before you left your ex or baby daddy you had a slip up yeah you started doing heroin so you went from perks to heroin oh Oh, I missed out like when I started heroin. Oh my gosh. Okay. So my first time doing heroin, my baby daddy and I were on a break and I was like suicidal. Okay. And actually Charlie Classic saved my life. Isn't he an amazing human?

Just such a sweetheart. We love Charlie. He and i were mutuals and i was on the podcast all the time and i've seen that with me like he's one of my really good friends i love charlie he's he's such a sweetheart yeah i try to bang him all the time he won't bang me man i'm kidding it's like an ongoing joke we have with each other like i went on his podcast one time and i think we it was like started as a joke there and like now it's just we always joke around about how he won't bang me but i've really never tried to bang him so i love that i absolutely love that how did charlie save your life charlie found out i was suicidal because i had told one of our

mutual friends that i was staying with and Charlie called me and was like, hey, move to Florida. Move to this house that I'm at. If you just be the cleaning lady, like you can live there for free. Was it the Sausage Castle? It was. Oh, shout out Mike Busey. We love Mike.

I never knew you were at the Sausage Castle. I was there for a solid three months of my life. Wow. I mean, that's a long time in Sausage Castle years. Right. Right. It was like seven years in Sausage Castle years. three months of my life wow i mean that's a long time in sausage castle years right right it was like seven years in sausage castle years um i i had gone to the sausage castle you know and there was a lot of partying there like drinking and stuff but like mike always had the rule you know

he'd like don't bring hard shit and like don don't be doing that in here. Like, he was very strict about that. But there was this chick that I had met, you know, there and we kind of trauma bonded. Did you move in there with your daughter? No. Okay. No, this was, I was probably like 19, I would say. Yeah. So you met a girl there and you trauma bonded.

We trauma bonded. She also used to be addicted to downers and one thing led to another and like that was my first time trying heroin because we were trying to buy like perks for this trip that we were all going on but they were like all we have is like oxys or like dope and she was like it's fine it's not that big of a deal it's just like doing perks and i was really scared but i was like fuck it yeah excuse me so um so yeah that was my first time what was it what did it feel like for you your first time or did you love it or did you hate it they always say that if when you do meth or heroin for this first time you're either hooked or you're completely sick i was hooked it was so warm and like i was able to like shut things off like just feel numb you

know what i mean so that was that was my first time doing heroin and then i ended up leaving the sausage castle because i was like this is so. I've been on like dope for like two weeks and this is my first eight hours without it. And like, I feel like shit. Wow. I like that's that's what kills me about heroin is like you could only be on it for like a week, maybe two weeks. And as soon as you go without it, your brain is just like, I fucking need it. Like, what's in it that gets people so addicted i don't know much about heroin i've done a lot of fucking drugs in my life heroin

wasn't one of them i was always scared that i would get addicted and that's valid yeah i don't know much about it i just did it like i didn't do much research i like at some point in my life somebody was like just so you know this is fentanyl and i'm like cool is it gonna stop me from getting sick you know so but that was back before fentanyl was like right killing people right like i i used to get um like the medical grade fentanyl because this one of our friends that had cancer was just like giving it to us and you were snorting it no i was just taking it yeah oh it was a pill yeah oh wow yeah they they have i don't know if they have them anymore this was like fucking 10 years ago but they have little um fentanyl suckers yeah lord and they just got goosebumps a new fear unlocked no and they taste like blueberries oh my god yeah scarier if a kid

ever fucking gets a hold of one oh yeah super scary you can barely taste it and it's i'm pretty sure it's like 250 like micrograms of fentanyl like it was the tiniest amount but we would get them by the fucking packs oh my god super dangerous but that was back before that was like from the hospital that was before fentany That was, like, from the hospital. That was before fentanyl was, like, stepped on. Yeah. And now it's just a whole fucking just terrible situation that's going on in the world. Yeah.

I just heard about somebody getting laced with fentanyl in a drink at a bar. Went to the hospital overdosing because he took a drink out of a bottle on the bar and it had fentanyl in it like that's so fucking scary that's that's why i won't drink i am so weird i won't drink anything if i haven't opened it myself yeah and held on to it like i look like i'm on e all the time because i have a bottle with me at all times like of water or something like that i'm like that with water i'm like that with gatorade even when my it's just me and my team around i'm like i don't know what you bitches slipped in here well yeah i'm just kidding no every time i'm out at like bars i will only drink corona and i'll keep my thumb yeah like i don't trust it if what a fucking world we live in right that's that you have to literally walk

around with your fucking finger right your beer i've been roofied before actually when i was living in florida that uh pulse nightclub i got roofied there before you know what happened shot up um me and this chick that i was with we just wanted to go out we like we couldn't get high so we were like fuck it let's do the next best thing like let's go out drinking um and we went out to this club and like we had felt safe so we were just like i'm like feral when i drink you know like it has always been like this like a fucking i make out with bitches and just have a blast yeah like there's there's not much i wouldn't do right when i'm drunk and like at a bar um but we were just dancing and having a good time and then i like i remember her going and hugging people and saying goodbye and i went and hugged people and said goodbye as well to like different

people and then i came back to finish my drink that's where i fucked up up no idea who it was that roofie does but like the last thing that i remember was um like i was laying outside of the nightclub and i was like throwing up between my legs like i mean like out i was wearing a tiny little dress it was rolled up to here i'm just like throwing up i call my friend who's in japan for some fucking reason and i was like brian i think i got roofied i gotta go home and like and this chick can't drive we're too fucked up she was we weren't good for each other but she was a fucking rider i i will say that so my friend in japan calls us a fucking taxi cab right so we get back to the house we get back to the sausage castle and i remember i don't remember any of this i remember looking at the cameras the next day but i'm like throwing up a bunch so she goes out to get our roommates

to like carry me back from the taxi taxi pulled out i wasn't in the taxi but she thought i was so nobody was getting up fast enough this bitch pulls a knife on all of our roommates and she was like if you don't get the fuck up and we go find hawk i was just laying by the front door oh i don't know how i got there maybe the taxi driver like dropped me off but that's like yeah he's like i don't know where you're gonna go bitch but you gotta get the fuck up out of here yeah but she was trying to make sure that like i was safe that's awesome though so let's talk about okay so you said you had one relapse after your daughter was born okay let's talk about that I had a tooth pulled okay um and that was it I mean they give you painkillers after you get a tooth pulled and then it was just like a few days of you know taking

painkillers and I was like this isn't enough and I was still like making content like making sexual content for money and I was just like I mentally I don't want to be here right so um I ended up like doing more perks and then like I think I spent like two days on dope and then I had gotten that message and that was when I called my mom and I love that you in that moment you you, you didn't realize what you were doing, but you were breaking generational trauma. You subconsciously made that decision to not be like your mom, you know, to give your daughter an addict mom. And that's really cool that you thank you. Yeah, no, that's huge that you, you know, were able to have that self reflection in that moment. Yeah. My mom and I hadn't talked in months at that

point so like that's what made it even scarier and i didn't i didn't want to take my daughter into a place where like i knew me and my mom would be like screaming at each other so i called his mom and i said can you take my baby girl for you know a few days so I can just like get my fucking head on straight and so we all just like all these powerful women in my life and my granny too they all just like band together to just help me like become a mom and they all sat me down and they were like this cannot fucking happen again and I was like you're right because you think about like anybody in active addiction would say like I would never do that but then they fucking do it because they don't realize what the fuck they're doing right you know what I mean and I was like I know I would

never hurt my baby girl but the thing is like I was not okay I was not in a good space to be like the best mom that I could be. Right. And I made the right decision and like calling, you know, his mom and making sure that like she was taken care of. Right. Um, that was great. That was amazing that you did that. Yeah. Thank you. you I'm I'm so my life has been very hard but I'm so grateful for the way that those months of my life went like as ashamed as I can feel you know for who I used to be like I look back on all these videos that people you know on the internet are bringing up now and as much as i don't recognize that person and as much as i'm like embarrassed of that person what videos are they bringing up because like i said i don't know any of this and i refuse to go on that other website because it's just a cesspool of fucking garbage oh my god that so you got let's you got on tiktok yeah um at while you were sober you're you. Yeah. Got on TikTok. Let's start taking that journey.

And then we'll get into all the stuff that everybody wants to hear about, which I really don't know. So whatever you want to address is perfectly fine with me. OK. So I got on TikTok. I made friends. I had this like we had this friend from England that like we ended up ended up flying out. And, like, this whole group chat of people. We just, like, all got together and, like, made friends. And TikTok was so amazing in, like, I feel like my healing. Because, like, I felt like such an outcast. because I had missed out on so much of my life. You know what I mean? That, like, I felt very immature.

You know what I mean? Like, it was hard for me to grow up because I missed out on so many things. So, like, being on TikTok, I really just got to, like, feed that inner child and be a jackass because, like, I could be. Right. You know what I mean and people are gonna love you for you exactly they're gonna hate you for you and they're gonna love you for you exactly and I love really always always the hate yeah yeah um but it was a it was a crazy ride and then um at some point when I like when I was really getting popular like I was verified

on TikTok and I had like over a million followers and then how did how did you get verified because they will not fucking verify me and I have articles up the wazoo yeah I don't I don't know like I don't love that they I don't fucking know I'm over here fighting for verification yeah well this was like forever ago this was i was really blowing up there was like a specific group of friends that were really just like blowing up right um who was all in the crew nice michael i fucking love nice michael if you don't know who he is you should look him up he dances and he's just such a sweetheart. He was, I got to hang out with him.

He was one of the first people that like I really hung out with and he was so like welcoming. Right. Just, and I got to meet like his girlfriend at the time and she was like hilarious. She was even funnier than him. I'm sorry, Michael, if you see this. But, like, she was so amazing. They were just such a sweet couple. And, yeah, there was, there's a lot of people that I don't want to say their names. Okay, gotcha. Because, like, we're not friends anymore.

So I don't want to just, like, talk about them or, like, upset anybody. For sure. But back then, it was a time of my fucking life and i will always appreciate those people like no matter what it was such a such a turning point in my life and when i did get verified on tiktok they literally called me and they were like we want you to be a part of the creator program so like how would you feel about getting verified and i was like yeah absolutely and they're just on their computer they're like okay it's done and then they must be nice then they

called me months later they were like do you want to meet youngblood and i was like yeah i'm so fucking lootly i do so they like got me in to hang out with him like with a lot of other creators with him like with a lot of other creators and tiktok did a lot until i started doing sex work again right so when i was getting popular people had found out that like i used to sell you know explicit content and i had been pretty open about like hey this was like i wasn't in a good place in my life like i wasn't with a good person i wasn life. Like, I wasn't with a good person. I wasn't being treated okay. Like, it was an abusive relationship. And I don't want you guys to, like, use these photos. They were making their profile pictures. Like, a picture of me with, like, a dick in my mouth.

Oh, my God. Like. On TikTok? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And TikTok was, like, allowing the whole thing. Didn't matter how many times I reported the accounts.

All of that. So, I was like, you know what? Fuck you guys. You're guys you're not gonna do this for free right i'm tired of it i'm i'm not doing this shit so then i started only fans right and it blew the fuck up of course yeah because those that talk shit still want to fucking see what's going on literally yeah it and that changed my life oh and i did that for a while and then I did like my first like collab like people on TikTok calling they call it collabs um and that blew up as well that was like one year into like me doing OnlyFans and um and then I just spent the next like year I would do like one big collab a month with like whoever whoever else oh sorry I'm good um whoever else like did OnlyFans and also did TikTok and like somehow I was just known for doing that like collabing with like the biggest influencers um on tiktok and what happened

so you had your profile taken though oh yeah yeah they just banned me they banned you and took your verification now and they won't verify you again or what um so they banned me they won't give me the account back i had like 2.9 million followers i think so when does all the the hate start pouring in like when does this happen um literally maybe like three months ago four months ago is when this all started yeah so the thing about um back when I was on vine back when I was on drugs and I was on vine I made some jokes that were fucked up jokes that like that like I'm not proud of. I used to like say the N word, you know, and it's not okay. I do not like stand up for that at all. It's not something that like I believe in whatsoever.

I used to make just sick jokes. Like since I was like 15, I was groomed by like one of my dad's friends you know and so I used to think that like grooming jokes were funny because I was like conditioned to it I was like I can make these jokes I was it was your upbringing yeah yeah so um I look back at these videos and I'm like that's fucked but this is something that I bring up i try to bring up like at least once a year right because i don't want it to like come as a shock right you know because i as embarrassed as i am about this i'm like that was me you know i didn't give a fuck like i have to take accountability that was still me that did that as much as I hate it. I mean, owning it, that's all you can do is own it, apologize.

And the best apology is changed behavior. Yeah. You know? So for people who want to keep dragging you for it, that's just, it just doesn't make sense. So there was this weird little, I'm going to call it a fan page, that was started for me. And the reason that they started the page was because of the fact that like I used to say the n-word 10 years ago and a lot of my friends

um are pocs you know that like I a lot of my friends like ocs huh what are pocs people of color a lot of my friends are like black and just people of color. And they call out racism when they see it. Right. You know, but me, I mind my business. I'm like, I'm what the fuck am I supposed to do? Tell them like, maybe you shouldn't call out these things. Like that's their place.

Right. It's not my place. out these things like that's their place right it's not my place and that's where this hate page got things like very mixed up because they think that i call these things out but i'm like my friends know about my fuck-ups because i've openly said it on my pages you know what i mean um i bring it up every time like at least once a year. You know what I mean? I take accountability for it, but it's not my place to tell my friends not to call these things out. But from what the internet was seeing, you know, they were seeing the fact that I used to do this and the fact that my friends like call these things out but they didn't understand that like it's just not my fucking place right and that also the person

that they're trying to like convict you of being that was 10 years ago you know like people grow people learn and also it has a lot to do with your upbringing too. You know, like I was raised in an extremely, I don't want to say racist household, but you know, we had Confederate flags in our house and it was just very like, you know, you don't date outside your race and you know, people don't understand that when, and it wasn't until I got with my husband that I really understood different cultures because I had never been exposed to it. And all of his friends know that because I have been very open with them about that. We actually did a whole documentary with Chelsea Handler on racism and I had to talk

about it with Chelsea Handler, you know, and I don't think people realize that, you know, your parents have a lot to do with how you speak and how you feel about, and you know, you were just a baby 10 years ago, 10 years ago, you're fucking 18. Yeah. You know,

like, yeah, I don't want to use age as a scapegoat cause it's not, but it's like what 18 year old isn't fucking learning how to fucking be a human being, especially with no guidance, you know? Right.

I just don't understand how people can just crucify other people for doing things that they were never taught was right or wrong yeah and like none of my friends really like corrected me you know because my friends were doing my like i had a bunch of like hood rat friends you know like we weren't correcting each other right we we weren't being watched we weren't being corrected by parents we were just literally out running around you know sleeping in random fields with bottles of vodka cars and shit yeah so there there was like no guidance but but you've taken accountability and i don't think that you should have to keep every year fucking reminding people hey i used to be this person but another year has gone by and i've changed you know like that's so not fair to you and these sites literally are like ruining people's

lives like going out of their way to like hurt people and that's not okay one thing that i really want to say about these hate pages um like this is this is the one thing that i kept reminding myself like when i get on this podcast because there are viewers like i i want to talk about this because as much as i honestly i do understand these people wanting to hold people accountable. Yeah. Like, absolutely. I empathize with that very much. But then as soon as they got, like, the attention that they were looking for, you know, this hate page gained like 11,000 followers. Because when it's a whole page where you can delete any comment that's like, hey, this isn't true. Yeah.

Like, it was all fucking slander. Yeah, no, they did the same thing to us whenever the whole Demps thing went down. They tried to say that I was shaming an SA victim. Yeah. And that was not the case at all. And they literally took one piece of the video that I had posted.

And all I simply said was, if she's comfortable telling thousands of people on a hate page her situation why and threatening lawyers then why doesn't she go to the authorities and do what she says she's going to do yes she yeah we don't even and the thing is is these people on these pages believe people who don't even have profile pictures these could be anybody yeah imperson Yeah. And you guys do not have cold, hard facts. In the court of law, you would have to have cold, hard facts to convict somebody. Yeah.

And these people do not have any facts. And they are literally just making up whatever they want to make up about people. And it's not okay. They take these like almost half truths. And they fill the gaps. Like if that's been the entire problem it's called speculation yeah which would never hold weight in court the whole problem between me and this page is i haven't said anything so they're like filling gaps with any friendships that have fallen through with me

any heaven forbid friendships fall apart i'm like have you never like who do you fucking still have like every friend you've ever had in your life? Are they still active? I fight with my fucking best friend of 20 years. We fucking broke up two years ago and just recently started talking again. It's a part of being human. Yeah. And like that's valid.

But my biggest problem with this hate page is like I empathize with wanting to hold people accountable, but I don't think they're so wrapped up in getting the attention from this hate. They don't realize that they're like, I'm a fucking sex worker. I'm a mother and I'm a sex worker. So by just as much as they don't want to fucking believe it, people want to kill me just because I fucking exist. People want to be aggressive with me and they're digging up this information about me they're like reaching

out to people that i went to fucking high school with 10 years ago i went to high school with these people and they're looking for information and i'm like you guys don't understand the game that you're playing you can get all this information about me. And I can promise you, you're not going to like everything. I've had a hard fucking life. Yeah. I didn't grow up with a fucking picture perfect goddamn life. Like it is not 12 years ago.

You were underage. Right. So what the fuck are they digging for? Like, that's weird. So these people are getting these bits of information, but they don't understand that the wrong people could be watching. Right. You think every fucking every person in that page is there because they want to hold me accountable to. Yeah. No, people are fucking sick. Yeah. They created they created an entire private discord to share photos of our children's

faces mine honey's and luna's they also tried to tell us that that didn't exist but we have screenshots like do you know how fucking scary that is and we managed to get in the fucking discord what makes you think fucking creeps aren't yeah that's so scary like if you want to hold us accountable that's fucking fine you want to pick us apart that's fine don't bring children into it these people have tried so hard to prove that i'm a bad person which i'm not fucking perfect like i never came online saying like i am the picture perfect sex worker i'm the picture perfect mother. But that's what makes a person beautiful is not being perfect.

Yeah. Being perfectly flawed is beautiful. They've picked everything apart. Every friendship. Like they do that with dimples. They do that with dimples too. Like literally dimples can't fucking even breathe the wrong way. No.

Or they fucking it's like, oh my God, her lip quivered to the left. Do you see how ugly she looks? Like, it's like the weirdest shit. And I don't go on there, but you know,

I talk to Demps all the time or like, you know, some people on my team see stuff and they tell me about it. I just, I cannot, like, I would rather love the shit out of people who are not perfect. Yeah.

And just, you know, be a beacon of light in their life than to ever want to fucking put anybody in harm's way or fucking jeopardize a child. Like, yeah. What if there's like pedophiles in there and child molesters that see these babies? That's what I'm saying. And one of these babies gets hurt because of this fucking group. Like, how this place is legal is fucking beyond me dude right i don't understand and i really think the creators need to start talking out about it i completely agree but nobody's gonna start talking about it until somebody gets hurt or they're very affected i just had to my friend just relapsed on live and they so they live in my apartment and i don't fuck with that

like i've had talks with them i'm like if you're gonna stay in my apartment like you you can't fuck up like this like for me sobriety is like life or death and i'm talking about like getting high like i i drink every now and then but like if if you're getting high you can't be in my life. Right. Because it will ruin me. So they had a mental breakdown because of this fucking hate page. Because there's so many ways I could pick them apart the way that they have picked me apart. But the way that they have, if they see me with somebody, I did a collab with our friend Yenny. And they went in this page talking about how they think Yenny is an abuser. And Yenny did this and Yenny did that. Yenny had to go in there and explain every single relationship that they've ever had and like do you know do you remember the goonies when chunk

was like explaining his entire life with his hand in the blender that was yinny just trying to save their own ass because these people were trying to label them as an abuser for being seen with me and it's it's scary for anybody that wants to like be a part of my life yeah no they do that they they do that with Dems too Auntie Amanda they tear her apart trashly they tear her apart yeah it's like I just don't understand if they like it's if they pick and choose who they want to fucking pick on oh yeah they zero in yeah it is like literally like a swarm of bees just attacking yeah over and over and over again and it's just so toxic and it's so disgusting and i just don't understand like i said how that site is even fucking up it's insane one time i had um i'm really cold i'm shaking like

a chihuahua so i'm gonna put my jacket on are you getting mad yeah well this whole thing is like it's almost i've got trauma but this is like borderline traumatic because my friends are being affected you know and like my friend had a mental breakdown and i had to i had to take a school night away from my daughter to drive all over my state to get them a ticket to go back home so that they could go to like the mental hospital and i'm just like you motherfuckers want to call me such a bad mom but because of everything that like you have put on all of us you know my friend's an adult they they did fuck up but that's like a conversation between you know me and them but like this page was like how could you how

could you blame us i'm like we all played our parts yeah we all played our fucking parts i mean if everybody just stops tuning into that page i feel like they would have no leg to stand on either you know because it's like you could talk about me all fucking day long i don't give a fuck i'm still gonna succeed you know you're still gonna succeed no matter and honestly the hate doesn't reach me unless i go looking for it yeah and really you can siphon comments out and stuff like that and just completely block these people out because giving them attention is just feeding you you um feed what you fear and i realized that yeah after i had like addressed things with this page and they got that attention i was like this is never gonna stop somebody has to end it yeah so just fuck them yeah and then i

found like i found out who some of these people were like i found their instagrams yeah mimi got mad at somebody talking shit about me and she literally found this woman's fucking children found her like and they're always fucking like the people who don't have a profile picture literally never want to show themselves and who are the most fucking opinionated because their lives fucking suck yeah i i thousand percent fight me on it i there's not one successful person in there i don't give a fuck who you are you guys can claim you're successful you guys can say you got all this shit going on but you're literally in a fucking chat tearing down other people with no profile picture i don't give a fuck if you

can't say it from your chest i don't respect it and you know what there are people that i have worked with that i've found in this in this page like a grown ass 26 year old person that i have worked with who i didn't even know we had problems. I still have not had a conversation with them about it. Wow. And they're in this page saying, like, does anybody think that, like, Kenzie just looks like they bite people and, like, is really annoying? And I'm like, what the fuck? You've never even met this Kenzie person. you've never even met this kenzie person and what are you doing as like a grown successful person like a grown successful independent sex worker what the fuck are you doing and i've had other people like that i was close friends with join in on this which made it worse

and that was one of the hardest like awakenings when I realized that like not everybody is friends with you because they want to see you make it to the top oh yeah they will put their fucking claws in you and try and rip you down the second you don't benefit them anymore oh absolutely and that's like exactly what happened yeah that's like just we've already given it way too much energy. But I want you to speak on it and, you know, people to hear your point of view on it, too, because it does affect you and it does affect the people around you. And that's not fucking fair, dude. But that place is that they're like they remind me of like people who fucking are hanging out at like a Denny's at two o'clock in the morning.

No, literally. Or four. Let's you know, it's 430 a.m's at two o'clock in the morning. No, literally. Or four. Let's, you know what? 4.30 a.m. Okay. Cause that's a rough crowd. Right. So that like, literally, I just picture them all in like a Denny's or a Blueberry Hill

fucking smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, just talking shit about the next bitch. You know, like it's literally like they're just, I just cannot see these people being productive citizens. So saying that much, moving on from that site what does 2023 hold for hawk like holy shit i have no idea dude you know she's like i'm just fucking flying by the seat of my pants i really thought about quitting after all of this. I really did. Because never let them win, baby. And I know that. And honestly, it was Joanna. Like Joanna is so strong and just like sat me down.

It was just like, bitch, I know you're a good person. You know, you're a good fucking person. She was like, who fucking cares about the rest? People are going to talk. You've made it. Yeah. And now like I'm a sensitive little cancer baby. you want to hide in your shell yeah so don't let them dim your light though you don't you've worked you have clawed your way out of fucking the depths

of hell from addiction from you know an abusive relationship for art you know whatever type of relationship that was um i don't want to label it something that it wasn art, you know, whatever type of relationship that was. I don't want to label it something that it wasn't. But, you know, just being made to do work that you weren't to me is abusive. So, yeah, that's why I say that. But not physically, you know, childhood trauma, fucking living on your own, being doing drugs at 12. on your own being doing drugs at 12 you know like you have come so far to let people who can't even face you say these things to you for you to ever fucking give up dude yeah fuck these people honestly keep shitting on them you know what when i when i like i texted you last night and i was like i'm so nervous because in my brain i'm like this is finally my chance to like address all these rumors and like i had bits of phone calls and

screenshots with all these facts because of the rumors that they spread and i was like dude fuck them yeah like honestly i mean it doesn't matter how many receipts you show and how much they're still to fucking twist their narrative. Exactly. It's you could never do right in these people's eyes. Yeah. And it's just like, it's kind of like, I hate to compare it to this, but it's like a fucked up relationship with a parent. Yeah.

You just have to cut it off if it's toxic for you and it's not benefiting you in any way. Those motherfuckers, I guarantee you half of those 10,000 people are subscribed to your fucking only fans. Yeah. Oh no, they are. Guaranteed. They've talked guaranteed talked about it yeah they like hate watch and i'm like that that is but you're still getting paid dollars yeah bro that is lunch what the fuck are you doing that's so sad yeah it's insane no don't even try to explain yourself don't ever give up for the for

those people because then they win yeah and really why what do they win fucking another hater in the group yeah like they're hating for free these people literally are sitting around hating for free which fucking blows my mind and i realized that like if they win if i quit i'm not going to be the end of it because i'm not the problem i'm not like i'm not the solution oh no they'll just zero in on somebody else it'll just be to the next fucking that's why there's multiple fucking pages dude i had fucking uh kristen and whitney in here those i don't know if you know who they are huge fucking tiktok stars too uh chris kristen whitman and whitney wren these little girls are fucking just turned 20 21 years old and are literally

getting torn apart and it's just it's the fucking weirdest shit to me dude they'll zero in on anybody yeah so it doesn't matter yeah I will say another reason I didn't quit is because like I stopped taking this page serious when like last year I got in like a six month situationship with this guy who ended up treating me like shit he went into this page and told everybody that he was freed from the shackles of hawk when he broke up with me because he couldn't make me come and i was like no amount of water boarding could ever get that out of me that is so embarrassing and the way that the page was just like oh my god you poor thing i'm like you guys are fucking insane come on what the fuck i was like this is a joke like that's something to be so first of all he's a cornball for even

saying that he is also I'm on antidepressants so like yeah what what what do you expect like it's okay all you have to do is try a little bit yeah still it's just like that's so corny yeah people just would turn to that page be just because you guys didn't work out like nobody has loyalty anymore it's so weird yeah 2023 what do you want to happen if in a perfect world what would be a perfect year for you you know what i have been um steering away from like working with influencers and you know sex work um just because like I went into sex work knowing nothing and I fucked up along the way, like planning group events and you know, things like that. There have been hard. Yeah. Collapse are hard. I don't do them. And going in knowing fucking

nothing and trying to like coordinate all these things just because I'm the one that like got lucky and had the money to do it. then being responsible oh yeah for like 20 plus influencers I'm like this isn't for me and then I met Joanna yeah and I worked with um I worked with Aaron which was such a game changer working with people who have been in this industry that are professional as fuck that's where i'm headed yeah because i love my job i love the friends that i've made that are like so professional and i'm probably very soon just gonna retire on a little farm with my daughter i love that and that's all you can do that is like the best life that you could give her yeah yeah i love that i when i first got my house that i'm in i remember crying did you buy it no no i didn't but still just having your own house i'm still

too scared to have a house in my name right because you know it's public knowledge like i could buy a house but i i'm like there's ways around it whenever you're ready let me know because our houses aren't in our names okay yeah. Yeah. I would love to talk about that. Um, but being in the state that I'm in, not many people know about these things. So like I'll be talking to realtors and I'm like, can you figure this out? And they're like, Oh, I don't know. Yeah. Okay. We got you. So, um, I remember crying because my, every house I've ever lived in has been so chaotic kids running back and forth, you know, like our cousins would be living with us and I remember crying because my every house I've ever lived in has been so chaotic. Kids running back and forth, you know, like our cousins would be living with us. And I felt so safe.

My house was so quiet. My daughter was in bed by like eight o'clock. And like we had both like gotten our showers in, dinner time. And that was when I was like, I want a quiet life. That was when I decided like the end goal is the farm yeah so i love that with goats she said with goats you gotta have the goats i love that so much well hawk i'm so happy that you came to sit down with me and i can't wait to keep watching your journey you gotta promise me that you're gonna come back though i would love

to all right i would absolutely love to thank you for having me dude i'm just so happy you're here why don't you shout out where people can find you and your only fans and all that stuff if they already don't know it is um my instagram is hawk hates you and my only fans is hawk hates you and so is my twitter the only thing that's different is um tiktok which is disco robot dance unless i could get my hawk hates you and so is my twitter the only thing that's different is um tiktok which is disco robot dance unless i could get my hawk hates you page back then we'll be we'll see what we can do about that across the board i love that how did you get the name hawk by the way i'm so glad you asked because i get this question so much yeah i want to hear this there's this movie um detroit rock city do you did you ever watch that movie okay well i'm pretty sure gene simmons like made the movie

yeah it's it's a movie i did do a lap dance for gene simmons one time good he licked my back it was weird yeah i bet it was it was weird me and my best friend, Tasha. So this movie, it's called Detroit Rock City, and it's about four kids who are just fucking dying to go to a KISS concert. And one of the moms is super religious, and she burns the tickets. So they do all these crazy things to get tickets. Like, there's a guy, Hawk, and I wanted to be just like him. He ends up sleeping with a stripper in the movie. And I was like, oh, what an icon. I want to sleep just like him. He ends up sleeping with like a stripper in the movie. And I was like, oh, what an icon.

I want to sleep with strippers one day. Look at you now. Yeah. And here I am. You hawk fulfilled her destiny. How do I say that properly? Hawk fulfilled their destiny. Yeah.

Gotcha. There you go. I'm learning, guys. It's okay to like fuck up with pronouns one thing that i've realized is like people get more uncomfortable if you make like a huge deal like if somebody fucks up you know pronouns in front of a group of people and another person is like hey their their pronouns are they them you know like making a huge spectacle of somebody's pronouns yeah that's that's where it gets uncomfortable for me i just always want to

be respectful you know and it's it's so hard like i said you learn things in childhood and yeah all this shit is so new i'm 42 years old trying to learn pronouns has been a thing for me but it's a thing in the world and it's like you want to respect people's choices and people's beliefs so yeah yeah i think that's great and that's really important i think the issue is like with people that are like i don't get pronouns you know it's you're human it's okay to like every day we're fucking up and like unlearning things that's that's okay but like i think it's really cool that you're trying right i think i appreciate that are you guys are you meeting up with joanna after this i am yeah you guys going to dinner we're going to some place that does magic

oh okay house of cards yeah yeah that's where we're going you guys are gonna have a blast and i can't wait i'm super excited i can't wait for you to come back too. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you for having me. Of course. You're always welcome back anytime. Anytime you want to come and spill tea or just talk shit, my couch is waiting for you. And I'll be here all the time.

I can't wait. Be careful what you say because I'll be out here all the time. I cannot wait. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Dumb Blonde. I will see you guys next week. what's up guys don't forget to sub to patreon so that you can see the visuals because not only do we have episodes of the podcast we have exclusive content that nobody else sees on any other apps behind the scenes photo shoots and we're dropping a whole bunch of surprising stuff this year.

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