Dumb Blonde - JWoww: Turning Trauma Into Art

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

Bunnie welcomes the iconic Jenni Farley, aka JWoww, who first stole our hearts on Jersey Shore and grew to be reality TV's big sister. She talks about life now, including how motherhood changed her, where the Jersey Shore cast stands with each other today, and her excitement to create the horror movie we all need. Jenni also talks about handling life in the public eye, her advocacy for autism and the importance of being your authentic self no matter what. Watch Full Episodes & More:www.dumbblondeunrated.comJWoww: Website | IG See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What's up, guys? Don't forget to sub to Patreon so that you can see the visuals. Because not only do we have episodes of the podcast, we have exclusive content that nobody else sees on any other apps, behind the scenes, photo shoots, and we're dropping a whole bunch of surprising stuff this year. So if you guys don't want to miss out and you want to be the first to know, go over to our Patreon, www.dumblondunrated.com. Love ya. Is this thing on? Bonnie, who used to be a former sex worker, now hosts the podcast Dumb Blonde. Most little girls grow up wanting to be doctors and lawyers and shit, and I was like, I want to be super hot, make a lot of fucking money, and be a rock star's wife. That was my goal

as a child, and here we are. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde. Today, this woman is a freaking household name. If you don't know who she is, you are living under a rock. Miss JWoww, baby. Jenny Farley, how you doing, baby? Well, now I'm blushing. You are so beautiful.

I was just staring at her across the table and I was like, you are so beautiful. Oh my gosh. Yeah. No, like stunning. Even in person too. Like you're beautiful online, but no, I will say that like online. I'm like, is that how I look in real life? Like, and everyone's like, oh my God, you have all this like crazy work done.

You've done this. And I look back and I'm like, no, I actually just think I make the most awkward facial expressions on every red carpet because I'm just that person. I tell everybody I fucking hate red carpets. Same. Like you can go there looking and feeling your best to yourself and then you get that fucking Getty image back and you're like, who the fuck is this wombat? Like there's so many times that I'm like, what happened? I just went to the PCAs. By the way, congratulations on Jelly winning.

Thank you. I saw. I did not win, but I got all my pictures back. And I'm like, is that how I look? You looked gorgeous, though. I thought you looked gorgeous. I make the just most asinine, ridiculous faces that clearly don't resonate well in photos it's also because there's fucking 50 cameras going off at one time you don't know which one to look at nobody ever

fucking picks a good side to post ever they want the bad ones they have one that has haunted me for did you see the tiktok i made of it i look like slimer i'm telling you it is jenny it's the fucking worst thing and they post it in every telling you, it is, Jenny, it's the fucking worst thing and they post it in every fucking news article. That's what they do. It's the fucking three-chenner. Yes.

I mean, I'm like, I laughed and it was like, just, hi. You know, like,

it was so bad. That's me too. Like, I'm always like this. I'm always like, and I'm like, I always have like, PR or something like,

lift your chin, like do something and I'm just dead inside because I'm like, I don't know what to do. Nobody fucking gives lessons on how to walk on a red carpet either. No, it's like you have to. You're thrown to the wolves and you have to figure it out yourself. And as an older millennial, I have the awkward stance or the peace sign. Me too.

I do the double peace sign. I'm always like, what do I do with my hands? I'm always like slapping my hand down like, what are you doing? I'm like, what am I supposed to do? It's so awkward, dude. Well, I think you look stunning on all the red carpets. Thank you. So I got to listen.

I don't really listen to too many podcasts. I'm not. I kind of like, you know, because I do my podcast, so I don't really dive into other ones. But I listened to the Vile Files podcast with you the other day, and I really loved it. Thank you. I was like, she has such a sweet soul. Oh, thanks. That was my first real podcast like yourself that I wasn't doing for press for just like five minutes. And I was just like, all right, I've known Nick for years. I met his girlfriend on their first date. I've known him like years prior

I was like alright I think I'm just gonna take your suggestion and go on but without any rhyme or reason I've never known to do a podcast and like understand like you know what am I gonna bring to the table on a podcast yourself but I'm like what does that mean and that's where I get nervous and I'm super introverted what am I going to bring to the table on a podcast? Yourself.

But I'm like, what does that mean? And that's where I get nervous and I'm super introverted and I get really scared doing these things because even though I know Nick, I'm a fan of Nick. And even though I know you now, I am a super fan of you. So I'm like, I should be interviewing them. Why does anyone want to interview me? I'm just a mom in New Jersey. You are an icon who's been on TV for almost two decades. Yes. And it feels like 20. But yes,

the longevity of that alone is so admirable, because not very many people get a TV shelf life of that long. No. And I will tell you this, if they would have told me that, uh, in 2009, I would have showered and, uh, not look like I did in half the episodes, but again, none of us knew back then, but, um, I think that's what made you iconic was you were so you were rough around the edges, but you were like a diamond in the rough and you literally have not only grown up with a generation, but you are like the big sister that nobody had to a generation. Oh, thank you. Looking back, I can see that.

And being the oldest girl in the house and living on my own since I was 17 and all these things, being raised by my dad, like all of that I see being like that's my full circle moment was I was like the mom of the house but the one that like didn't allow the shit to continue the one that called everyone out on their shit still to this day um but I think it took me to be which I'll be 39 next week many many years to see it because when you're living it and you're going through it I didn't see it then I I couldn't I for one I didn't even I couldn't even establish the fact that we were famous for just being us yeah like I was just like I'm just being me and having the

best time of my life with these crazy roommates and it took probably within like the last five years to realize how big Jersey Shore truly was it was literally just um a moment in history yeah like it was a historic event that is going to go down in the history books of the cast of Jersey Shore like you guys there's nobody who doesn't know who any of you guys are oh thank you yeah for sure I want to circle back to your childhood though you did just say that you were raised by a single father and I had heard that before because I was raised by a single father also I know and yeah and I love how you put him on a pedestal the way that you do oh bill yes bill good old bill i called terry my dad but i'm like i love that and i love how you show through your videos like how much he means to you being a woman married you know grown

and like you still give the accolades to the man who made you who you are today i appreciate that it's been a long road me and Bill have had a bumpy ride. So yeah. Tell me a little bit about your childhood. Tell me like, you know, where was mom when you were growing up? So when I was two years old, so first off, my parents had me in the eighties when they were 20. I think my mom actually got pregnant at like 19 or 20 and my dad was like 21, my mom actually got pregnant like 19 or 20. and my dad was like 21 22. and in hindsight looking back like i couldn't fathom no um technology like we have now there were no ipads there were no cell phones there was no internet and you have this 20 and 22 year old that just decided oh a one night stand turned into something more and we going to have this child and not even in college. Um, and around two years old, my mom got very sick with a mental illness and then they

still stayed together. But my mom was in and out of the hospital. Uh, and a lot of people actually don't know this story. So it's nice to talk about it because people always get confused, but my mom was in and out of the hospital. And a lot of people actually don't know this story, so it's nice to talk about it because people always get confused. But my mom was in and out of the hospital. And around, I think it was my fourth or fifth birthday, my grandmother left my birthday party and got in a car accident and died. Oh, my gosh. It was my mom's mom. So that took my mom out of the equation like and i feel so terrible

because i was like i couldn't comprehend then like leaving my birthday all excited it's in february as i said it's next week coming up yeah happy yeah thank you upstate new york there was um snow and a teenager um hit the brakes and skidded across ice and T-bones my godmother and my grandmother's car. My grandmother soon passed. And because of my mom was suffering with mental illness so badly, she just couldn't do it anymore. And so my dad at like 25, 26 was like, well, and so my dad at like 25 26 was like well you know here we are like it's just you and me kid and it has been ever since my mom is actually still alive I take care of her she's in an assisted living home close by everywhere I move she moves right by me but um she's like my third child I always say that I inherited custody of my parents because

yeah my mom died last year oh i'm so sorry i inherited it's okay we weren't close at all but um she i inherited her and you know i had i had her in an assisted living and got to spend like the last year of her life with her so same scenario as much as i am close to my mom, I love her and I take care of her. She's not my mom. Right. You know what I mean? Yes. My grandmother, my dad's mom, was my mom. And unfortunately, she passed away right before the Italy season,

which caused a whole spiral for me. But my dad's family really stood up and was like, we're going to be a community. I remember when I first got my period, I had to my cousin and I was like what is happening I can't call my dad oh it takes a village yeah and like my I got made fun of in school and someone like this is so corny but like when I was like 13 someone was like um said the word boner and I was like I don't know what that is so I I had to go to my cousin who was like in her 20s and I'll never forget there's not much I remember from my childhood because I think I truly suppressed it but I'll never forget

my the look of my cousin's face when I was like can you tell me what a boner is? Again, these were like, I don't, I think those were like the most important moments, not the boner one, but like the moments. Listen, I remember, I remember my first boner. No, I'm just kidding. Like where I think being a mother is so important and having a mother is so important really because as bad as my childhood wasn't and as great as my dad was uh to help me facilitate to become the woman that i am today like those those like really important moments you need with that female energy wasn't there. And I think I put my all now into my daughter because of what I didn't have. And I can't wait to talk about your daughter later. Cause you said some profound things that I heard and I just, I love the way that you mother, don't you think it's crazy that, um, you know, not having a mom around makes you want to be, or, you know,

not having a present mother, whether she is in your life or not makes you want to be, or, you know, not having a present mother, whether she is in your life or not, makes you want to be sometimes in our cases, the complete opposite of what they were. You know, I inherited my bonus baby and I knew that I was not going to be like how my crazy stepmother or how my crazy mom was. I was like this. I want to be a completely different parent. And has that

affected you in that way also? Yeah, I would say more so now than ever. In my 20s, I couldn't rationalize. Well, actually, I'll take a step back. In my early 20s, I thought I was going to get the same diagnosis as my mother. So I went balls to wall like which diagnosis was that if you don't mind nobody knows but I will say it's schizophrenia my mom was a schizophrenic too no way swear to god and you speak about it publicly oh yeah I've been very vocal about it oh yeah so and the only reason why I don't really speak on it is because she's still here and I don't want to define her as that. But at 22, that's what she got diagnosed with. Actually, if we're going to just be open and honest, it was the 80s.

It was 1987. My dad couldn't get a hold of my mother for hours and he worked at this not this great place because, you know, at 22, what kind of career are you going to have? Right. And he kept calling the phone and calling the phone. Nobody was answering.

This is landline, guys. Oh, I miss those. Yeah. I do miss a good landline phone call in a three-way. Yeah. So my dad knew something was wrong and knew something wasn't right with my mother. So he ran home, and he couldn't find us. And we lived at like a second or

third story apartment building. And he went through, you know, those back emergency stairwells. And he found my mom like in the fetal position passed out and me holding her in a diaper. Oh, I just got chills. And he thinks that she either had a seizure there or she had a psychotic break. And that was it. And I held her for the two to three hours. He couldn't reach us. And that was the day that she went to the hospital. But I'm sure you know with that diagnosis, the hospitals don't like to keep people. They don't. They kind of get you healthy, happy. Well, they put you on medication.

Yes. The best of your ability and then send you back. But my grandmother's passing was the end all, be all. And I remember being my daughter's age, eight or nine years old, and I told my dad, like, you got to give up. You got to stop. Like, we have to move on.

You were parenting your dad at such a young age. Yeah, because I was like, we can't keep living like this because she was so in and out of the program. But he wouldn't get a divorce yet. He was like, we're going to try and make this work. He was trying to make it work. He was, but there was no relationship there. Like, it was just like, i remember one time when i was like

seven my son's age and my mom in the middle of the night fell and broke her uh shin and her shin bone was like through her like and it's it was very traumatizing because i remember it but it was because her medication she was too over medicated and she slipped and fell and i was like dad we have to have to like I was like dad we have to have to like live for ourselves and we have to get her the help that she needs because being home might not be the best case scenario and it just wasn't um and that was just like the beginning of her health issues I don't know if you know like long-term psych meds can cause so many other health issues. Yes.

And, you know, but I will say this. She was the only mother I knew. Right. As in, since the beginning of time, that was my mom. So I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Like, for instance, like a mother with dementia or Alzheimer's, like you knew your mom one way. And now, God forbid, you have to see your mother in a different light. And you're always reverting back to the mom that she once was. But that took a lot of soul seeking to see. But, you know, I only knew my mom one way. So like, I'm like, that was just my mom.

Some people have it better. Some people have it worse. That was just my mom. So I'm okay with my, my, just my story because I truly believe the way that my story went as my childhood went, um, I ended up where I am now because Because if I was happy and content and had the beautiful white picket fence house growing up and both parents and the beautiful family that people have, I would never have wanted to move to New York City and find who I wanted to be. And I would have never ended up on the Jersey Shore. I always say that. I always tell everybody they're like, you know, God, you've been through so much trauma. Cause my mom left

me on a doorstep when I was three months old while my dad was in the hospital. So I never knew a nurturing mom ever. And then I didn't find her again until like AOL when I was like 21, she popped up on my screen and was like, Hey, I'm your mom. And I'm like, well, this is fucking weird. So it started a whole weird thing. But, um, you know, I forgot where I was going with that. I had a point, I swear. But, um, you know, as far as like our moms go, do you think not having that mother figure in your life? Cause I, I just want to know, cause I grew up severely like aggressive almost like I was the parent too. And I feel like not having that mother figure and that feminine energy made me pretty aggressive like I was feisty I was raised as a boy I say

it all the time my dad only knew one way to raise me and it was martial arts four-wheeling jet skiing snowmobiling I was raised a boy yeah there was no makeup in my house. Like I remember little giants. Like I was that girl. Yeah. Like why are you have cherry red lipstick on like lip gloss? Like that's not a thing. I was wearing like FUBU and Tommy Hilfiger. And I was like a complete tomboy.

And like, you know. Is that why you were such a fighter? Because on the show you came in guns a blazing. Yeah. And you were pretty like. I think. I mean, I want to say it I think and I guess that would just be my personality like that was just I there was no nonsense right and as you know single family home there is no nonsense yeah like if you want dinner and your dad's working late you had to provide yourself dinner like especially in the 90s and you know

in the early 2000s like you were there to raise yourself um i think it's different in a mother single household because in a more nurturing i would imagine i would imagine if it was a normal yes mother situation yes yes yeah the assumptions there yeah we're just assuming at this point yeah we're bonding right now over not having moms yeah trauma healthy moms um so moving on from that which you know shout out to your dad for stepping up to the plate because back then dads didn't do that and some people get mad at me when I say that they're like, yes, they did. My dad raised me too. And I'm like, do you know how rare that is? Especially back then in the eighties, like for a single dad to raise girls. Yeah.

It's wild. Girls. And that's why I treat Bill the way I do now, because I'm like, you know what? Back then you didn't have to do that, but you did like, yeah, you're my dad. And technically you did have to do it, but you didn't have to do it. You know? Can I ask you a question? Sure. Did you know your mother's diagnosis before you met her? Um, no. So when she came back into my state, my parents were like,

kept everything hush hush. I had a crazy step mom who my dad married, who was extremely abusive. And I mean, it was just really bad. And they, I didn't get to see a picture of my real mom until I was 18 years old and I had to fight for it. My dad had to, was getting on a plane. I'm like, I don't know if I've ever told the story. I might have. My dad was getting on a plane after coming to visit me. Cause I had ran away from, I left home at 14 and never went back. I've done those before. Yeah. Never got a dollar from my parents. Nothing like never looked back. And, um, my dad had come out to visit me and, you know, just make sure I was okay or whatever, see where I was living. And he was getting on the plane, but because my

step-mom was so overbearing, he couldn't let her know that he was doing this. So she walked on the plane before him and he turned around, reached in his pocket, hands me a Ziploc freezer bag full of pictures and just runs on the plane. So I'm left to go sit in my car and look at these pictures of my mom. And that was the first time I had ever gotten to see my mom. And so when she came back in my life on the AOL situation, she was trying to cause problems. And she was telling her version of the truth. And my dad was just like, you cannot believe anything your mom says. She's a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.

He's like, she told me she had six brothers and sisters. And when I met her mom, she was an only child. So I was like, damn. So that sent me on her whole thing. I was like, God, am I going to inherit that? So that's what I was like, damn. So that sent me on her whole thing. I was like, God, am I going to inherit that? And like, that's what I was going to ask. Yeah.

The question was going to be like, if you knew her diagnosis, were you scared to get it? Yeah. And did that form you're like, cause I know it happens in your early twenties. They say late teens, early twenties. Wow.

I thought, I thought it could like happen at any time. Like if you go under too much stress or drugs, yeah. Things, but like there, it mostly happens if it's going to happen organically, I thought it could like happen at any time. Like if you go under too much stress or drugs. Yeah. Things. But like there it mostly happens if it's going to happen organic organically is what I heard is it will happen from like 18 to 24 or stress induced or drug induced. Certain drugs can bring it out.

Yeah. So I had like a mandatory therapy growing up because of it it like the state required it or my dad just lied and was like you need to go therapy but oh he cared so much about you he was like he wanted to get ahead of the problem if there ever was one yeah so but by doing that they informed me of these things I don't think that they should have like it caused It caused health anxiety. Yeah. So I, like, early 20s went full tilt, thinking, like, if I'm going to have this, I'm going out, like, with a blaze. Guns ablaze.

Got, like, full-blown ponjove. Like, because, shout out to him, by the way. He lives local to here. We love him. I just met him a couple weeks ago at his music cares thing. And I was so in awe because I grew up in the rock era. So Bon Jovi was like a god with his little blue jean shorts and crop tops. Yes.

That was my first concert with my dad. That's amazing. Oh, my goodness. I love that. He's iconic to me. No, same. I don't think he likes us because we're jersey but like i shout out to him i'm a super fan yeah i love that but in the early like my early 20s i really thought

for like a solid six months to a year that like i would end up like my mom. And I hated myself for that. And I like experimented with drugs and alcohol and partying and like not getting my shit together and like resented my father for like bringing me into this world that like I didn't choose and really like hated. I don't know. I just think I hated the world because then I also grew up in an affluent neighborhood in upstate New York where everyone is, you know, upper middle class. And we didn't have that and we were considered poor. And I was just like, well, this sucks.

My school is all blonde, blue-eyed cheerleaders that have like all the money in the world to me that was a lot of money it was probably you know right low six figures but to me that was like astronomical like so I developed this like resentment and like hatred for like the position I was put in and it took until like how crazy how crazy to be that young and so kind of like aware of everything going on aware but it just I don't know I wish I wish I could like hug my young self and be like it's gonna be okay you just got to go through it you can do that you can visualize that and do that. And it's so healing. I've done it a few times in therapy. Here's a question I got for you. Okay. Were you popular in school? So I don't know if I was popular because I never wanted to follow the crowd.

So if you were a cheerleader barf, I didn't want to have anything to do with it, you know? So, but I, I was a bully and I used to fight everybody because I was getting beat up at home so I fought on the bus all the time or I fought with girls all the time and like that was my outlet was beating people up so I don't know if I was cool but people just didn't fuck with me because I was always fighting I was very aggressive I was always very you know life of the party and I hung out with the popular girls, but, and one of my best friends, Tasha, shout out Tasha. She was, she was like the cheerleader captain, but I was like her emo friend who like, you know, was like a tomboy. I used to wear boxers rolled down and t-shirts and tennis shoes to school. So

I don't know. I don't know if I was popular. Yeah. I was just kind of always danced to the beat of my own drum and didn't care. I only asked because I felt very mirrored with you like this is giving me mirrored image right now and I'm the same because of my upbringing because of my position in life I wasn't popular but I wasn't bothered right and nobody would try and bother me right Right. And I kind of migrated to like all the groups. Same. I had like a friend in each, but like to me, no friend at all. Because I was like, I'll fight for you,

but like I guarantee nobody would have fought for me. Right. Oh, same. I've always been that friend. And I'm always the fucking one who's the asshole because I'll speak up first. Same. And I always get made to look like the villain,

but I'm like, I don't care. You know, like somebody has to say it, so I'm going to be the one to say it. And I will say that life of me and that part of me definitely transitioned to the show. And I couldn't even hide it. Yeah. So a lot of times people are like, what is wrong with her? Why is she quiet? Why is she this? Why is she that on the show? And I'm just like, I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut and it's just like it looks to be one thing but it's just me trying to not be like who I am yeah which is the person that's ready to like snap your neck for doing to me the wrong thing my life motto was don't start none won't be none yeah it's always same but it's hard on a reality tv show because you don't know how

it's going to be edited and you don't know how it's going to be edited and you don't know how it's going to be perceived. And you don't know if you're in the wrong because you're so in the moment. Yeah. Because to me, it feels right. Right. And then I've seen it will play back and I'm like, oh, shit, I wasn't in the right. Like I was or it wasn't being perceived that way because you only have one viewpoint rather than all eight. Right. And there were times that I was like,

oh, I wish I didn't do that. What is your biggest lesson you think you've learned just being in the public eye for as long as you have? Good and bad. For me, and this might be good and bad, for me, it wasn't like selling myself. Like I notice a lot of people that go on reality tv and they take that 15 minutes and they do things that I don't think they would normally do

or they would leave their significant others to try and like go to LA and be something that they're not and I always stayed authentic to myself and but I don't know if that helped my career or like made it so I didn't reach my full potential in the industry right because what if I did move to LA what if I did pursue the things that I wanted to do what if I did date you know a football player like they all do or a basketball player what if I did like pursue more PR and put myself out there and you know do the roles that I were offered but because I'm so introverted and because I just like being me um I didn't pursue those things yeah and I always question like is that was that the best option for me or You would have been just like them.

Exactly. I think how you've gone on your journey has set yourself apart from everybody. And when people have so much access to you, it gets watered down. So the fact that you're almost 20 years in on your public platform and you're just now sitting down doing podcasts for yourself, like, that speaks volumes because normally people would have gone and capitalized off of what they could have, you know, and you're just kind of doing it on your own time.

Yeah, I dig that. And I don't even know why, like right now. I couldn't even tell you. It was just like. You're just ready. I am ready, but I'm a fan. Like I'm a huge fan of yours. know I'm like I was just like it's you're so sweet your podcasts are so and I was telling my fiancee this earlier warm and welcoming

and they're not for clickbait and they're not about like taking someone down while bringing someone up it's just like authentic and I love you and your dad and your story with your daughter, your bonus child, and your husband. And I'm like, you know, these are the people that if I was to do a podcast, which I normally wouldn't, like this is what I would want to do it with. These are the people I want to be with when I do it. I appreciate that. That is like such a sweet compliment. It's hard for me to do it with. Like, these are the people I want to be with when I do it. I appreciate that. That is like such a sweet compliment. And I, it's hard for me to ever,

I tell everybody, you got to take your flowers while you're here. But when people give it to me, I get like all squirmy and I'm like, Hey, you want to make out, you know, like I say something weird, but I appreciate that. And thank you so much because I've really worked so hard on this podcast to kind of set myself apart from all the rest of them because I've been doing this for so long, you know, and for you to be able to see what I'm trying to do just makes me so happy. I see it. And I'm a fan. I appreciate you. Let's circle back to your childhood. So you're growing up with dad, you are going to school and then you get out of school and you go to college for graphic design. Yeah. So we didn't have a lot of money

growing up, but my dad loved taking me to Disney every few years. And when I was a teenager, I was got to go to Disney with my dad, which I'm still a huge fan of. Don't you have a Disney sleeve? Yes. Yeah. And I wanted to be a Disney animator. So I started going to college for software development and CGI and computer graphics and animation, and I'll just be honest, I was awful at it. I can't draw a fucking stick figure. I can draw. I admire people who can.

But it takes a different breed of person to do what animators do. I mean, you're in a room 60, 80, 100 hours a week, you know, animating seaweed for a movie. So during college, when I was in New York City, I got it like this, kind of like this little offer, like, do you want to be on a Guido voting off show on VH1? I was like, sure. And this when I was like 22, 23, but fast forward,

when I was going to take my last year of college to graduate, to do something I had no idea what I was going to do, because again, even though I was going to college for it, I didn't think I had the ability to do something I had no idea what I was going to do because again even though I was going to college for it I didn't think I had the ability to do so it was do my final year or go on a show that was just recently bought by MTV

no longer VH1 and it was recasted as like a real world and they're like do you want to do that again without knowing anything it was just you're going to show up in New Jersey, and you'll either be on it or you won't at 25. And looking back, like, 25, I couldn't even wipe my own ass.

I don't know how we, like, send troops off at 18, because, like, even, like, raising children, 18 ain't shit. I try to tell everybody that. Like, 21, 22, you're still babies, babies, and everybody, people get mad at me for saying that they're like, they're old enough. They're adults. They're, they need to be held accountable. And I'm like, cause I'll have like, you know, youngins on the pot, youngins, you know, 21, 22 year olds on the podcast. And I'm like, you're just a baby. And people in the comments will be like, they're not babies. And

I'm like, this is a baby. Like I, you don't know what you're doing at 21 you're not doing what you're doing at 21 at 41 that's for sure 100% yeah and I see it all the time and looking back I'm like you were a child and it was a blessing and I it was the best experience of my life and it still is but like I still think until you're 30 you're a child yeah absolutely you have to go through some hard shit to be like an adult in my eyes before the age of 25 years old for sure is there anything you regret about going on Jersey Shore um I wouldn't say regret but I would say I wish I was more prepared but I don't believe any of us production production, MTV, Viacom, the cast, any of us were prepared for what that show was going to be.

And I will say this. I do regret going in so closed off. So a lot of my roommates had brothers and sisters. I'm an only child. They lived with people in college. They've had more experiences. I went in never living with another person besides my dad. Never having the shock value of having roommates

and sharing a bathroom. The different personalities. Different personalities. It was so like when people are like, oh, you were quiet or you're this or that I was just shut off yeah like it was a culture shock to me you take me as a type of person who reads energy too like you may not even realize that you're doing it but you're assessing the situation before you jump into it yes and that's just like oh she's you know the the best

parts were like oh she's high or she's she's out like I get that all, oh, she's, you know, the best parts were like, oh, she's high or she's, she's not like, I get that all the time. Now she's on Xanax and episodes or she's. I wish. Same. I wish I could take Xanax. I have like a natural downer personality as it is. Like if I did any of those things during the day, I would be drooling in a corner somewhere.

I can't. I could lick, I could smell a Xanax and I'll pass out. It's just me being me. Like if I'm not assessing the situation, I'm completely like zoned out. I'm literally thinking about like what I have to do in three days with my daughter at cheerleading or like, I am just completely desensitized and disassociated. Disassociated. That's a good word. But because of all the trauma that you went through as such a young girl,

you probably do disassociate a lot. Oh, and I did that on the red carpets too. So getting back to how awkward. Because it's so overwhelming. Yes. So I have stage fright. So when all those photographers or all those people are like yelling and like saying everything,

I completely disassociate. Yeah. Or I'll disassociate on the show when I know something's going to happen that I'm like preparing for. And I'm just like, you know, here it comes. But like my facial expressions give, I guess I give Xanax or frozen Botox, which I need right now, by the way, very badly. Your skin is beautiful, by the way, very badly. Your skin is beautiful.

I've been checking it out this whole time. You don't have one flaw on your skin. It's amazing. No surgery, like everyone says. But I do do injections. I think it's because you have beautiful cheekbones. Because I have cheekbones, too. Anybody that has fucking cheekbones, we get accused of having facial surgery.

Yeah. And I get it. I understand because people have the buccal fat removal and the cheek implants. that has fucking cheekbones we get accused of having facial surgery yeah and i get it i understand because people have the buccal fat removal and like the cheek implants but sometimes people just have natural cheeks yeah you know and mine are more prominent when i'm thinner and my weight fluctuates like day turns into night because i'm either like an emotional eater or i just like during covid i probably gained like 25 pounds I think we all gained weight yeah but so everyone after that's like oh my god she's changed so much she

looks so different it's just like no I I checked myself because during COVID I'm sure it wasn't great for a lot of people but like there was a lot of drinking and eating it was very unnecessary in my household I did not work out I was drinking a bottle of wine a night, FaceTiming my girlfriends, and it caught up. But so I lost, I finally got my shit together and I lost the weight. But everyone's like, you know, the surgery and she's frozen and she looks medicated. It's just like, no, I'm just, I'm 38 38 turning 39 i'm on a reality show now i have children having children is a different ball game being on tv i don't want to misrepresent my family i don't ever want my children to look back at me and be like how dare you because it's also a new age

2009 is not 2024 and the way we live what we said and did in 2009 you cannot do today and even just as an older woman I wouldn't do yeah and um all that is flooding into me every time I film or every time I'm on the red carpet or every time I'm moving and I just straight up disassociate and I'm just like well let's think about something else in my head do you think you'll ever stop filming I hope not yeah I really hope not I think our fans are growing up with us um they've grown they've grown up with you and now you guys have a new generation that you guys are raising those are funny yeah those are funny first off like i'll go to the awards and i'll have like a 20 year old be like i watched you and i'm like where was your mother your mom ain't my mom where was your mother right

because you were not supposed to be watching me at eight years old but that's what i mean when like you were at you were that big sister or even possibly a mother figure to you know these kids that grew up watching you yeah it's it is beautiful to see and I always try and think of that I'll always be myself but I'll always have that kind of like in the back of my head doing television like what would your daughter think of you in this moment yeah but but old teenage Jenny is always there this is just my personality and I'm sure with you our personality is our personality yeah our childhoods are what built us created us and made us. The little bit of mandated therapy I did as a child is okay, but I am so pro-advocate therapy,

but I don't do therapy today. I live with my demons and I like it. I live with my trauma. Well, you become friends with them, yeah. Yeah, I became friends with my demons. I became friends with my trauma. It's segueing into something that I want to try new in this world that I did during COVID.

Because I think I can translate those demons and that trauma into art. Where if you can't do that, because I think I am just an artist because that was my dream as a child to grow up and, you know, do Disney. Yeah. And become an animator. I want to change my trauma and I want to take my trauma and like just turn it into art in other ways. Whereas if I had someone come up to me tomorrow and was like, you know, my son has this or my daughter has this or I'm experiencing this trauma. I would 100% advocate for therapy.

Right. But for me personally, I, you know, I could just rant all the time. My trauma, I don't know. I would love to know your side too of how you feel with that. Yeah. So I think focusing on you really quick, I think that you feel that way about therapy now because you were forced to do it as a child too. Possibly. I was forced to do it as a child too possibly

I was forced to do it as a child so when I was going through my super rebellious stage I was like fuck this I'm not doing therapy nothing and then 2019 I got my implants taken out and I had a miscarriage and it sent me into a fucking spiral and I'm telling you the suicidal ideation was something I had never dealt with before and when when you talk about being like, you're becoming like your mom, that was my biggest fear in that moment. I was like, this is it. This is my breaking point. Like this is, you know, I'm never going to be able to pull myself out of it. And you know, that's when I got back into therapy because I was like, I have to let this out somehow. I didn't have a creative outlet besides the podcast, you know, but I don't trauma dump on the podcast. I like, I prefer other people to trauma dump.

So I did get back into therapy and I learned to fall in love with it because I learned to look at it as a way of kind of psychoanalyzing myself and figuring out what I needed to do to heal. That doesn't mean that. Oh, that's beautiful. That doesn't mean that that has to be your story. I think turning trauma into art is an amazing, you know, analogy. And I think that that's beautiful. So that's, no, that's beautiful, too. Like I. I'm so sorry, though. May I ask why you got your implants removed? Sure. Only because I recently had to get mine redone. Wow. Okay. Yeah. So I was going through, um, I was having like these, like, so I have severe anxiety and I was, I had just got out of an abusive relationship when Jay and I met in 2016. So I'd never healed from that. And I had to heal during the beginning of our relationship with my husband.

I was having these panic attacks. I couldn't go to the concerts because it looked like I was on acid. The room would start melting. I couldn't see people's faces. It was really bad. And I had also recently got sober. I got sober in 2017 off of Xanax and Lortabs then I got so and cocaine and then I got sober off alcohol in 2018. So thank you so much. So I think a whole it was just a whole smorgasbord of never going my whole life feeling anything because I was always numbing shit to where when I was just like, I've got to figure out what's going on with my body. And then also my left boob was like swelling so high. And like, it was just like, you couldn't touch it and you could feel like something in here. Like it was crazy. So it was just like a bunch of things. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna get my fucking implants out. Maybe that'll help my mental health

as well as get the swelling to go down. And so I got my, I didn't have BII I did have symptoms of BII but I don't breast implant illness yeah but I don't know if I can claim that I had breast implant illness because I know capsular contracture some women battle that so they went in they did the surgery my implant folded in half and scar tissue started growing around it so that was why my left implant started getting so big. I had no idea a fucking implant could fold in half. And Frankie can back me on this, my producer. In July, I had the same thing. No way. That's why my jaw dropped. My left boob, I box and I tore my muscle and my implant folded and I had a capsular contracture and my implant tried to go through my shoulder. Oh my God.

Like through the tear. It tore and I had to have like an emergency removal. Oh my God. Yeah. I just got goosebumps. Yeah. And didn't think, never knew that was a thing. Had them for 10 years.

What the hell? Not an issue. Not one day where it tore, the scar tissue developed because it's realizing it's a foreign object. Right. And it's trying to push it out. And I had to go in an emergency surgery.

And I'm only laughing because I was like, oh my God, someone else experienced this. No, that's wild. You're the only other person, anybody else I've told that to, they're like, how did it fold in half? I'm like, because I was like oh my god someone else experienced this no that's wild you're the only other person anybody else I've told that to they're like how did it fold in half

I'm like I have no fucking clue do we know how yours folded in half like the when I tore my muscle was swollen

and it just like kind of like curved it over yeah and it just started like manipulating but my arm went numb like I was like

tingly it felt like I thought I was having a stroke like tingly my arm went numb like I was like tingly it felt like I thought I was having a stroke yeah tingly my arm my fingers were going numb I couldn't lift my arm over my head and it just looked at like high oh and were you in pain too so much pain oh and then I got getting bigger yeah so it it technically wasn't bigger. It was longer. Oh, God. Because it was like, it was trying to squeeze out. So my plastic surgeon said, that was the first time I did shoulder surgery.

He found part of my implant in my shoulder. Oh, my gosh. Do you have saline or silicone? Silicone. Oh, my gosh. That's scary. And I was like dying for pictures and videos. He did not take any. I was so mad because I was like dying for pictures and videos. He did not take any.

I was so mad because I was like, I want to see. So he had to go in and pull the implant from like inside the pit shoulder. Oh my gosh. You couldn't see it up here. But like in pictures, I'm like, oh my, like I didn't realize how high it was. Oh my goodness. But the pain, the pain is like out of this world. Wow.

As you know. Yeah. And so are they gone gone? They're gone of this world. Wow. As you know. Yeah. And so are they gone, gone? They're gone, gone. These are mine. Good for you. Thank you. I mean, listen, I tell everybody if I'm feeling froggy when I'm 60 and want to get these old

saggy, runny eggs fucking up here, I might get some implants when I'm all, you know, two feet in the grave. But right now I'm just, you know, I, I think that aesthetic that I had, I was, you know, the super big boobs and just super bleached hair. It's like, I think as you get older, you try to go like more of a natural route. And I love fake boobs. The way they sit, the way they look, love them. But I just, my body just rejected them.

Same. And I said to him this last time, I said, if it happens again, because now I have this like pocket from the muscle tear that if my body rejects. So this is what happens when you have something like this. And I'd love to share this because people don't realize BII or things that can go wrong or capsular contracture or things of this nature and how plastic surgery. And this is why I'm not, I'm an advocate for plastic surgery, but I'm always like, you have to know A to Z when it comes to plastic surgery. So because of this situation and because my body

decided to reject my implant later in life, I had to get, thank God, not option A, but I will explain option A. I had to get a human donor mesh to wrap around my implant so my body wouldn't reject it again. Oh, my gosh. So this is like my last chance. What is that made out of? God forbid, I'm assuming an accident where someone donated their their I don't know what is it is it like a is it skin muscle I wish I could tell you it's a mess we'll have to google that can one of you guys google that so um the other option which was a which really kind of upset

me because I don't eat pork I haven't in over a decade was pigskin oh so going into this emergency surgery I thought I was gonna have to have pigskin wrapped around it and it's just a way so your body doesn't reject the implant it doesn't look like it as a foreign object right so they so I'm assuming it might be human skin is the option secondary option but thankfully he was able to get that instead of pig because i was like the irony here of course i don't eat pig pig for 10 years and now i'm gonna have it inside of me oh is it a personal choice or religious choice for the pig personal i fell in love with pigs oh and i wanted i don't know i love animals more than humans yeah um me too and when i fell in love with pigs i look at them different now yeah um it's fat okay

weird yeah that is weird because you would think fat would disintegrate donor fat that is so yeah so it's just so like wherever they cut you open to put the implant, they mesh it. So your body, there's a barrier between your body and the implant for rejection purposes. That is wild. When they pulled, so he gave me my implants after he pulled them out. I'm mad at my doctor. There's shit floating around in them. Yeah.

I did a TikTok on it. There's literally like you can hold it up and see, and I had saline.ine i didn't do silicone but you can see shit just floating around in the bag oh my god so it penetrated inside the bag i don't know i don't know what it is i don't know what's in there but it is gross i was just like golly this is and if some and again it's saline it's not silicone so you know if that if something can creep into a saline valve that's a little scary that is um yeah so but your way i i reduced mine but if this happens again i'm taking them out yeah i love it flapjack titties i don't know the body is so resilient i thought i was gonna have flapjacks the body is so resilient that your boobs fluff back up. It's wild. They fluff back up.

So I have like a little perky and I did a tiny lift with a microsurgeon. So I don't have really bad scarring. As long as you have a microsurgeon do your lift. Yeah. It's they look really good. I did a lift because I went from a G to a C. And I have to be like, I'm so happy because I barely see them. And it's only hasn't been long.

Yeah. to be like i'm so happy because i barely see them and it's only hasn't been long yeah so when um i think when i can get like a laser or something or like a scar reduction i think they'll be gone yeah absolutely my praying though to the gods that it doesn't happen again no it won't and we won't speak that in your life but my friend does uh scar tattooing in vegas if you ever want to go to him and he can get rid of any scars that you have. Ooh. Yeah. It's amazing. They do flesh colored tones. So tell me about your relationship with Nicole. How did you guys become best friends and are you guys really best friends in real life? Yes, I will say, I mean, I spoke to her all this morning. Um, I can't even say how it happened. And maybe she needed an older sister because she's an only child.

And I needed a younger sister because I'm an only child. And we just, our personalities are so different that it just worked. She's just so sweet and innocent and pure and tiny. Snooki is sweet and innocent. She really is. She is. Day to day. And I look up to her.

Yeah. Even though she's literally a foot shorter than me. Oh. Because she's just this like, she doesn't like confrontation where I'll take confrontation head on. Mm-hmm. And that's where her sweetness comes from. Like, she doesn't want to fight.

She just wants to have a good time. head on and that's where her sweetness comes from like she doesn't want to fight she's she just wants to have a good time she just wants to have party and and like here's the best example and she'll probably be like why did you talk about this but like six months ago at her summer house she invited me off camera this girl has ride or die high schooler friends. A dozen of them. I can't say that about me. I have like one or two, but because I moved to New York City and went to college and separated from everyone because I needed to escape my childhood, I don't have that. And she took me into her circle of friends.

And her best friend since high school and me started crying over how much we love this girl and how much we love protecting her. So her best friend, Steph, was worried that I was going to take the position. And I always thought I was worried that I was overstepping Steph. But her best friend since like three years old was like, I'm so happy she has you in this life to protect her in this industry where I can't. And I was just sobbing. And I was like, thank you so much for allowing me into her life. But we just being completely different people, we just work. And that might just be the reason why we're so close. And we talk a hundred times a day.

And we're our kids' godparents. And her firstborn is my godchild. And I love him. I just love her kids unconditionally. And my daughter knows that that's her aunt. And my daughter knows Sissy is her cousin. And they talk every day. But I look up to her in the sense that she is one of the most amazing parents.

She took the world by storm by getting pregnant early on to the point where like Dr. Drew was like, Dyfus should be called on you if we find out you're drinking. Like really, like the world was not ready for Snooki to be pregnant. Right. But by doing, but by choosing to have Lorenzo and saying, this is going to be my life, Nicole immersed. And she's fucking incredible. I look up to her for business advice.

She owns all these beautiful stores, mother advice. Like she can take on any task and own it and she's still sucky yeah she still wants to party and have a good time i would be fucking exhausted in bed by 2 p.m like she's still like let's rage we're going out till 6 a.m i could never yeah and that's where my personality is like bring it back yeah i'm gonna reel you in you might be the calm to her chaos i think so and i think when we're filming we need that we need each other like there is not like i i could use you no it's it's really like i need you and we're so ride or die i don't care who's wrong who's right like she is like i'm gonna be in a nursing home with her.

Yeah. Next to my mother. You guys are each other's emotional support humans. We are. And I'm so thankful for her because I don't think if any other scenario would have came into play or our paths would have crossed in any other light,

we would be who we are together. It took being on the show together to make us bond in the way that we do. But I, she's my favorite, favorite little person. Just my little like tiny little nugget. She is, she's my little nugget. She's my little squirrel, I call her. I love that.

Last question about Jersey Shore and then I want to move on to your kids. How do you feel about Sam being back? That one was emotional. Yeah. Because, and I hope she agrees, we were super close before Jersey Shore family vacation came back. We weren't really that close during the first six seasons of Jersey Shore.

But after that, I thought we were really close. And it hurt so much when she didn't come back. But again, this was me being young, not seeing it through her lens, not seeing it through her eyes with her ex, because I don't think I would ever go back on a show where my ex was. And I got bitter. And I got bitter to the point where I was like hating on her. Because I was like, why do you hate us so much you won't come back to us? But now her being back is such a blessing. And it's like we haven't skipped a beat. And she's added to like group chat. We speak almost every day.

And it's the Sam I've always wanted that I was never able to experience on a show. Because her and I and I don't know why because I wouldn't say we had the same personality traits her and I could never click the way that I always wanted to click with her in the original Jersey Shore right and we just developed that relationship before family vacation and then it was like stripped but now we have the relationship I've always wanted with her and I'm not and I'll be honest I'm not a girl's girl right but yeah you gotta fold me I think you are more of a girl's girl than you give yourself credit for authentic girls right and it's very

hard especially being on tv to find someone that authentically wants to be my friend right I think it's easier for like maybe guys or I just end up like gravitating towards guys because there's no drama right but to be an authentic friend is so hard especially like a woman trying to find another woman I agree that's why I have my tribe and I'm obsessed with that I agree with. Finding an authentic girl gang is really hard, but it's like once you find those people, they are literally family. You can't let them go. At all. Yeah. It's amazing. And I have one, and I say one friend from when I was in my single digit years old that I will never let go to like the day I die.

Like she is my ride or die. And I found a few along the way, but to say that I have girlfriends on a show that I've been with for 15 years that I could call tomorrow or right now and say, I need your help. I know these girls would pick up. Yeah. Nicole,

especially. Yeah. She'd be like, what the fuck you do? But she'd pick up. Why did you do it? Yeah. And that's, and that's the most special part of the show but i will also say that might actually be our downfall of the show not our relationship because there's not enough drama because we

protect each other more than i think any other show and the boys too yeah there is something about us that drives our producers nuts that we will literally side text each other like is this okay oh or am i but you guys have learned that through the years because honestly and you know this is not me disrespecting jersey shore in any way but you guys have been through some trauma and shit on this show you know so now you guys actually have personal boundaries that you guys don't want to cross with each other. And you'll see that with Sam. And there's families involved now.

100%. And you'll see that with Sam with this new season that's airing. Sam is going to meet Ron soon. And it's been a decade. And, oh, I got chills. And from the girls' perspective, we were riding and dying for Sam. girls perspective we were riding and dying for sam yeah as much as we love ron i told sam in the show and i don't know if it's going to air or not we don't get to see it ahead of time i need to be a girl's girl for you because ever since the note i wasn't so and even though i didn't know what was

going on in the note and i only took information i heard and i wanted to send it to you and honestly it's whatever it's because again a 25 year child and you don't know how to handle things but but in the note you were warning her about him weren't you yes so I think that was kind of a girl's girl move it was it was being diplomatic because what I was warning her about a lot of people don't realize Nicole and I I never witnessed. Right. So we were just being told that information. Gotcha. And we can move on from it and it's like, you know, it's buried. But like we were kind of like being like, well, if it's not true, nobody's hurt.

If it is true, then the information is known. Right. But this season that's airing, I am like, I need to be your girl. I need to have your back. And whatever you don't feel comfortable with, like, I'm going to have your back. Yeah. And I can't wait for the viewers to see how it plays out. Good.

Because even though I don't know, I was there. And I don't ever want her to leave. And I don't ever want her to feel like she's not in a safe place. So that is where I say I do love girls and I don't ever want her to feel like she's not in a safe place. So that is where I say I do love girls and I am a girl's girl, but it's to very few. I think you get to a space in life though, where we aren't who we were in our twenties. And as you get older, you realize that you want that feminine energy around you. Like even if you hung out with nothing but dudes your whole life, there comes a point in your life where you just want the softness. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. And it's beautiful

if it's the right group that you have and you want to ride or die for them. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think they're lucky to have you on their side. So let's move on to the babies. I read somewhere that you actually, um, around the time of your grandma's passing that you had a miscarriage yourself. Yeah, I actually think it was within like 48 hours. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I flew to L.A. that for my book. I didn't even expect I didn't know what I wanted to do. I just thought I was in the heightened spot of my life.

And having a kid, I was just like, it was all such, I was shocked. But I went to my doctor and I realized there was no more heartbeat. And then I had to live with that trauma. So you knew you were pregnant? Yes. Okay, so you knew you were pregnant. Early on, before like the 12-week mark. Gotcha.

So it wasn't like a surprise miscarriage it was i mean it was a surprise but you knew you were pregnant i knew but i knew something was wrong i don't know if when it happened with you it just you i just didn't feel something was wrong oh yeah and then um us as women we just know our bodies yeah and i had to like pick myself off the floor. It was such an awful, I'll never forget the feeling. I don't remember the moment. I remember the feeling of just being like,

I have to go to a book signing. And I had to pick myself off the floor. And then I had like three book signings or something in like L.A. County. And I was at my third one and I get the call and it was like 10 or 11 PM our time, which is like 2 AM East coast. And it was my dad. And I just knew, I didn't even have to like answer. I just knew. And when I tell you the, from what happened with the baby, which seems so insignificant to my grandmother it was just game over for me like I was just a shell true shell of a human being that was rough and we had

to go film like a month later Italy oh which was you know and when you film there at that time no cell phone no internet no tv no anything pens no anything. Pens, papers, nothing. You're just in it. And I think Italy, because I couldn't escape or numb myself, I had to deal with those demons. And I was probably 100 pounds. I'm 140 pounds walking. This is my weight. I was probably a hundred, I'm 140 pounds walking. Like this is my weight. I was probably 120 pounds in Italy. I didn't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I was at that point,

I was like, you know, can I take drugs to, to end my life? Like the suicidal thoughts come into place because like pain sucks yeah pain is terrible grieving is yeah grief is just like debilitating and then I have cameras in your face they didn't even know they knew but they didn't know the extent they didn't know about my mom they didn't know that you know my grandmother is someone that raised me like Like they didn't, they didn't know. So it's like production couldn't even step in to help because I was, I was just a shell. Like I wanted the hate. Like I wanted to feel like the piece of shit that I was like, I didn't want to feel better or to grieve or to, um, go get therapy, which I really should have at that time. I didn't even think it was an option for me. Like to me, there was no options besides like you are just that, you know,

just this is how you're supposed to feel. And I wanted to numb it all. It was pretty trying. I don't know how you even, us as women are so resilient when it comes to our emotions because to film while you're having suicidal ideation is I couldn't even imagine I know I was in a dark room and I remember Jay came in and he just held me one time because I drove myself to the hospital because I and I had called my mom on the way there and I was like I am having these thoughts of where I just don't want to be here anymore and it's scaring me so I'm taking myself to the hospital and she like calmed me down I couldn't imagine having to go

and film in another country at that too while going through that yeah and so the miscarriage I didn't even have to speak on that because my grandmother died so I was just like you know and I actually spoke about this on Jersey Shore family vacation when we came back because mike was just recently sober and clean and i was experienced i was explaining to him my experience with drugs because i've dabbled i've always been like the partier and stuff but at that point right before italy i tried speedballing oh shit to I tried speedballing. Oh, shit. To roll the dice.

So it wasn't like an intentional, but I was like, we're going to roll the dice. When you say speedball, what was it? It was, I'm pretty sure it was Xanax and cocaine. Okay, gotcha. Like a rower and an upper at the same time. Yeah. Is that considered speedballing? I think speedballs are heroin and meth.

So that's why I wanted to clarify. I wanted to clarify that. I could be wrong, though. 2012 version or 11 version. No, it was a downer and an upper. Gotcha. It was my first script of Xanax because they were giving it to me to get through the funeral. And it was like, it was just a band-aid, right?

I love the way Xanax makes me feel. You just forget everything. It was, and it was only one script. And then I'm a natural downer. So when I took it, I was like falling asleep. But I partied early 20s. So then I was like, well, I drank on it and it's drink. And so I was like, well, I wantied early 20s so then I was like drink on it and it's drink and so I was like well I want cocaine now to keep me up and then I was just like well I don't care

about my life so let me add alcohol and then I would be like too high so that I would be like let me go back down and it was short-lived it was a couple weeks of my life but I literally in those few weeks before filming and thank goodness that I was able to go filming because it probably saved my life because you can't access those things in Italy right and then I dropped all that weight so quickly because I was just trying to numb myself to the point where I was like I'm okay if I don't wake up tomorrow like I'm I'm okay if I don't wake up tomorrow. Like I'm okay. And I think Italy on one aspect, as bad as it was,

it probably did save me because the thing with Italy is we rolled right into New Jersey without going home. So this was like 70 days of being away from friends and family. It was like 30 something in Italy, 30 something in Jersey. We touched down at

JFK. We went right into a hotel. We took our Italy clothes and went right into New Jersey. Jeez, that is grueling. It is. And it's not like what we would normally do. But we wanted to keep this momentum going. And it was, you know, it was production, but that honestly probably saved my life because it forced me not to deal with everything, but at least forced me to not get worse. Right. I wasn't able to access anything. I wasn't able to be my own demise.

I was, you know, even though we were partying and drinking and hanging out and doing things, like there were no drugs on the table. And you had the group around you too, so that probably helped in the healing process. And it's weird. Indirectly. Yeah.

Filming, it takes you out of your reality. Even though it is reality, it's not. Right. So you feel like this level of busyness and you're like, well, I'll do this. I'll do that. Where I grieved when season five was over. But I grieved in like a healthier way because time passed right and i was really able to digest her death and like what happened in february and like how everything

transpired um that's amazing though and actually it was yesterday the anniversary yeah goodness it just came up on the memories because it was a week before my birthday wow yeah oh my goodness that's wild isn't it crazy how life comes like full circle yeah it's wild let's talk about a happier subject okay let's talk about your little feisty spitfire your daughter yes my one and only my one and only my princess yeah um i always say i can have a thousand graysons and it's just because there's something about just to me having my one princess that i just want to put my all into and she truly is spitfire she's a mini version of me but she will also call me out of my shit she's not damaged like i was growing up

so she has a beautiful perspective in life watching the barbie movie really put in perspective for me because as i'm crying over the trauma that the barbie movie shows you she's laughing at all like the funny mannerisms and like quirky things and I'm just like that right there put in perspective that I'm raising her right where she doesn't understand anything. She doesn't understand America Ferrera's like speech and what's it like to be a woman yet. And like the demise of like, you know,

how, how beautiful it is to be a woman, but also how it can be your demise. Like there's like, there's a ceiling when it comes to women. woman, but also how it can be your demise. Like there's like, there's a ceiling when it comes to women. Sometimes society builds you up to tear you down. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, but she like, so for Grayson, a thousand Grayson's I can do, but like for me, like she's my, she's my princess. She is my, she's just everything to me. You had said something in that interview, the one that I had referenced earlier in the vile files podcast, you had said

that, you know, you, and I thought this was, it almost made me cry. Like I literally, I was making dinner listening to it and I started like tearing up, but you said, I realized there was, I had to love her differently. I don't know how, how, if I'm saying wording it correctly but you said I learned that I had to love her differently like you couldn't fight fire with fire with your daughter and you said that you would go in there and when she's having one of her you know fits you'll hug her or even afterwards you guys take space and then you come back in and you hug her and you won't let go until she she lets go yeah and I was like oh that just like the mother wound in me yeah other trauma wound I was like oh that just like the mother wound in me yeah another trauma wound i was like oh that is so deep i did that last night actually oh yeah yeah she you know

and i always say like nature versus nurture right because she didn't have the child that i have she has two great parents and she has a great stepfather and like she has the world at her fingertips like she is not poor with a single parent and by no means she has everything and she has my personality that fire that anger that I'm not gonna back down and I'm like is this a genetic thing like is, is this nature? Or is it like, I always thought it was how I was raised. But to me, she's me as a child. But like, I was raised by my dad.

And I always say that. Like, grandpa raised me. You have no right. You have a mom. Like, as a joke. But like,

she will come at me 10 times like harder than I will come at her. And I knew the day that she swore at four and I had to do the dawn and she spit it out. She's like, try harder next time at four or five because I just moved into the new house and it's been five years. I knew that I had a different breed of child on my hands

and it was magnificent to see. I was like, well, can you just at least listen to me? Because I'm like, you're going to take the world by storm. You're never going to back down. But I knew disciplining was not going to be the discipline that I grew up with. And even though I don't believe in spanking or corporal punishment or all these type of tactics, that's what I grew up to. And that's what I knew as discipline. So discipline in my house, I wouldn't even say it's discipline. I just think it's, um, it's just like changing lanes. It's, you can have your feelings, but there needs to be a level of respect. And if you're feeling angry, there are words that we can't say during that anger.

And if you need to swear, you go to the bathroom and you swear. Or if you need to get it out, there needs to be other ways. Because I'm sure with you, that corporal punishment didn't work for you either. Didn't work for me. It made me more rebellious. Exactly. Yeah. So I knew going into parenting, and I didn't know that I would have to such extreme children

that I had to learn and grow with them and that was really this has been one of the most challenging parts of parenting and they don't make a book on this they don't teach you you know they teach you a b and c they don't teach you the nitty-gritty of like this child you know my son if i like i'm gonna spank you oh i'm out i'm done he's good like i'll never spank him but if i say like grayson do you really want me to spank you oh mom i'm straightening up i'm good if i said that to my daughter she'd be like bring it on yeah she will snap her neck and be like, try it. She'll be like, wait till I'm your size. No. Oh, she is.

She is. But it's it's to me, it's glorious because I also know that she does not go around speaking like that in public. Right. I know that I'm her safe place. Right. Where she feels confident that she can speak her truth to me. Right.

She is like, I can tell you everything and more because I feel safe around you. Yeah. Because I'll see her out and she'll mind her P's and Q's. She'll be perfect. She'll be genuine. She'll be pure. And then the moment we get in the car, she'll be like, oh my God. And she'll just go on a rant. And I'm like, oh, you held that in? Like, you're good. But like she, so she she can already she knows the difference already and she also knows like i am i'm the one she will go the hardest with because she knows i'm the one she can count on the most and she can do that with and i and she i mother her the way that I wished I was mothered growing up. So I'm like, I want you to feel safe.

I was, I never felt safe growing up in that, in that way. And I love my dad and I cherish him and I will take care of him, Terry, to the end of days. We love you, Terry. Yeah. But like, it was just a different time. And my dad couldn't afford emotions. Yeah. He just couldn't.

He could afford to put a roof over our head. He could afford to the ramen noodles on the weekdays and he could afford the Tweety Bird clothing. But outside of that, like where the bi-yearly Disney trips that were like off campus um but he couldn't afford emotions emotions were just not allowed because he was raising a girl yeah so i allow all the emotions in my house i allow all the conversations all the yelling all the screaming i allow everything she needs so she can then be like, all right, where's my hug? And then she kisses my forehead.

She's like, good night. Thank you. So I allow her to go to bed with peace of mind. There's no anger. Yeah. And I always have the conversations. And I'm learning a lot of this on TikTok. And this is why I love TikTok.

TikTok's phenomenal. It is. I'm not a TikToker, but I watch. Yeah. It's a wealth of information. It is. I mean, from cooking to mental health to how to fucking raise a baby parent. Yes.

It's everything. It's beautiful. It's such a beautiful platform. And I'm so thankful to be on it as a fan of everyone. But there'll be like, and I'm so thankful to be on it as a fan of everyone but there'll be like and I'm sure you see a lot of boomer parents don't have conversations or don't speak to their children anymore their millennial children and millennial children are healing from their parents and trying to put their all into theirs and that's very much mine only my dad's my best friend. But there's something to be said about TikTok where

you hear these perspectives and I'm learning through TikTok, like these conversational pieces. So I'll talk to Milani, which I learned on a TikTok trend, like, you know, if there's no more food or if I don't have to pay for your food or your house or your clothing anymore, would you still want to hang out with me? Would I still be your cool mom? And she goes, of course, I'll hang out with you every day. And she'd be like, why do you ask this dumb question? I'm like, well, I saw this TikTok where there is this survey going around. If you'll hang out with your parents when you no longer need them for like food or shelter and she'll look and I'll and then I'll turn her and I'll be like so but what can I do better as a parent she's almost 10 she's able to grasp it she'd be like well we need to fight less because and she'll say she'll be like it breaks my

heart when we fight and I'm like I'm so sorry I never mean for it to get to that level. She's like, but I know I need to work on myself too because I give you the hardest time. And I'm like, can you promise me something? She has the same self-awareness that you did as a child. She does, but that's why I'm like, is it like a genetic thing? Is it just like, did I pass something on to you? Her soul picked you. Yeah, and she'll be like,

and I'll tell her like, we need to keep this open dialogue and conversation going because I never want you to think at any point in our lives, 10, 20, 30 years from now, that you can't come to me open and honest. So if you need to check mom, you can check your mother.

And I know if there's an older demo that watches you, will disagree with that on I know if there's an older demo that watches you, will disagree with that on such level. And that's the problem. I think so too. I feel like that generation stifled a lot of their children's voices. Yes. Or I let Bailey come on the podcast this week.

It's dropping and I'm getting a lot of hate for letting a 16-year-old talk about her trauma. But that's what my platform is about. So when my own child comes to me and says, Mom, I want to tell my story so that I can help other kids my age, what am I supposed to do? Tell her no. No, you have to wait until you're 18 to speak about things

that have happened to you. It's wild that that demographic could even disagree. So look at their own glass houses and worry about their own problems. Do as I say, you're not allowed to have a voice, but it's like, what kind of parenting is that? It's not. When your child can't have a voice and then it's a one-sided conversation because you're, you're self-proclaiming, you're perfect as a parent. Yeah. And what you're doing is righteous and perfect. and at the end of the day every person is imperfect yeah so if i am parenting you wrong and you need something else and i learned

that when i said that on the vile files i learned in that moment uh disciplining her in that way won't work right i need and i needed to educate myself on how do I break down her walls and make her feel safe and loved while disciplining her. That's what a mom's supposed to do. Yeah. Figure out how she can get through to you, figure out how you'll create that bond, that keep that bond and create that open, safe communication. And, you know, just even a healing environment for her. Yeah. That's a definition of a mom to me. To me too. And unfortunately I'm learning that. I didn't have that. So I'm learning that. But you're doing a great job. And as I can see, so are you. I appreciate it. You don't have to compliment me. You're allowed. I mean,

you're not getting enough credit to you. You have your bonus me you gotta take your flowers you're allowed i mean you're not getting enough credit to you you have your bonus child and you're learning the same way i am and you're giving your teenage daughter a platform that is allowing her to speak because she has trauma like she lost her mother like these are terrible things to go through as a child and you're allowing her to heal and learning. And I can't even say that for parents that I know that birth these children, that, that, and I know people in my life that I'm like, you need to educate yourself on parenting a little bit more. And I'm not saying that I'm great by any means but like I think I know my children well enough and that's all it is just get to know your children well enough to see what works and what

doesn't and don't follow what you know even better become the parent that you needed and that's what you've done and that's what I'm trying to do with Bailey Bailey's story is so similar to mine as a child it's crazy and I know that God placed her in my life to heal and that's what I'm going to do. And I choose to do with that lesson that he's that lesson and blessing that he's sent me. So yeah, I love it. I loved hearing that story about it's Milani. Yeah. About Milani. So take me on the journey with you and your son. Are we good on time? Cause I just want to make sure. Are we okay? I don't know what time it is. It's two 30. Yeah. Okay, cool. It's just this. And then I want to talk about your engagement. So, um, so take me

on the journey with your son because you are super outspoken about, um, you know, being a mom of an autistic son. Yes. And take me on that journey that, um, the whole thing. I mean, just whatever you want. So, you know, take me to the diagnosis. Oh, sure. Like, you know, you had your son and then did you, was there signs? Did you know that he was autistic early on? Or did it take a while for you to be like, hey, something's not adding up here? adding up here. Even though they're not parallel, when raising newborns and toddlers, you go to a pediatrician and you're supposed to hit certain milestones. And my daughter was always great hitting her milestones. And Grayson, after about a year, started really slowing down.

And in the state of New Jersey, they're able to get you something called early intervention, which has no diagnosis attached. It's just like, hey, your pediatrician said he's not hitting his milestones. We can work with him. And at that point, I would say that I was in denial but uh i mean he wasn't responding to his name this is 15 months any cues do you want your baba do you want an apple do you want lunch nothing and at that point even though he was an early bench him again they don't diagnose but they will help with getting him up to the milestone that's needed so the pediatrician can check a box right um I really thought he was deaf and maybe that was just like the hope in me because I was hitting a point where I was like he's not responding to his name I actually have it and if you want to

dig it up you can there's an old YouTube video that I posted on it. And I'm like screaming his name. He's running away. Like he's in his diaper in our yard running away. And there's no acknowledgement. And he's throwing tantrums and throwing himself on the ground. And, you know, there was just no acknowledgement. So we got an ENT appointment, which is ear, nose and throat. And we got his hearing tested again at birth fine hearing so I was like maybe something happened I'm hearing a lot of kids in our area we're having like friends of ours were like they needed tubes in their ears and like I was like maybe he's just got clogged hearing and he it's muffled and he gets tubes and it's great because he did have

like four or five back-to-back infections. So all that was aligning. But again, I really look back and I think I was in denial. We go to ENT. They're like, no, he has perfect hearing. And that was the day that it was. It was it sucks. His father went back to work. I sat in my little BMW with him and just started crying. Like, cause I knew that whatever battle we were about to go through, that it wasn't going to be an easy one.

So he, again, is still going through early intervention and the state of New Jersey allows it up until two years old. So he missed his 18 month, I think 18 to 24 month, um, pediatrician appointment. I purposely pushed it cause I knew he was going to fail. So I was like, let's go get like four more months early in a pension, speech, OT, whatever the case may be. Actually he didn't even, he didn't even like was able to apply to speech because he didn't speak. So he wasn't even like allowed to do speech because there was no speech. So it was like OT and it was just their version of ABA, which is behavioral therapy. And we go to like his 18 to 24 month appointment, I think in like 28 months.

I can't recall. was it was months delayed i delayed it as much as i could just to give him a chance to nail his milestones he failed so miserably i laugh now because he is my he is my most perfect child I could ever ask for. He is the light in my eyes. He's the easier one of the two, by the way. All this. I heard boys are sweet. It's the girls that you have to worry about. Sweet as pie.

He could do no wrong in my eyes. My daughter is just, they're so different. They're just everything to me in two different ways. so different they're just everything to me in two different ways so we go to this appointment and um he fails miserably and i knew it i knew it there are things that are like early signs where you flap and you twinkle toes which is like when you run on your tippy toes, no speech, no eye contact. Like when you name it, he didn't pass it. And that was the day that they wrote me a script to go to like a children's specialized hospital

and to find a diagnosis. And at that point, without diagnosing him, our pediatrician was like, you're most likely looking at autism, but that doesn't mean, that's not a death sentence. And also, by getting a diagnosis, your insurance can help him. So I'm thinking, okay, we go to Children Specialized, and I'll be honest, I could tell they did not want to diagnose my son.

As a celebrity, they're like like we can't get this wrong so I know that like what normally probably takes two or three appointments was a ton and they brought in specialists like they were like we're bringing a instead of like just an ABA therapist we're bringing a doctor like five different doctors from speech OT this Russian woman that I thank every day for meeting me. She had this heavy accent, and I'll never forget what she said. Those Russians get shit done. She did. She had no emotion, too.

And I'll tell you what she said to me. It stuck with me, and I got to find her. I got to look at his diagnosing papers and really reach out to her and say, thank you, because you saved my son. So all five end up diagnosing papers and like really reach out to her and say, thank you because you saved my son. So all five end up diagnosing Grayson. And after the tears are wiped and after all of this, you go to a window with a script. And at Children's Specialized Hospital, they tell you,

you're going to come here and you're going to get like two hours of OT and two hours of speech and like four hours of ABA. And I remember the Russian lady going, no, you're going to get 40 hours of ABA every week for years. And that's going to change our son's life. Not four hours, not six hours a week, 40. Wow. And I'm thinking, how the hell am I going to pull that off as a working mom? We just ended Jersey Shore. I ended Snooki J jwoww but we were doing moms with attitude i was pushing really hard on social media to be a stay-at-home working mom i was doing everything under the sun to be like a brand ambassador this is pre-tiktok because i needed to make money for my children and i was like that alone is 40 50 hours a week.

Yeah. How am I supposed to stay in a hospital with him for eight hours a day, five days a week? Because that's what she said. She goes, I don't care. This is what's going to fix your son. So I take the script and I go to like the little like almost checkout and I'm like, I need to sign my sign up for,

sign up for like two hours of, you know, speech this week and two hours of OT. And they're like, I need to sign up for like two hours of speech this week and two hours of OT. And they're like, all right, great. I get a call like three hours later, and they're like, your insurance doesn't take congenital diseases. And apparently... Insurance is such a scam. They stated that autism is something you're born with, like Down syndrome, and that's congenital. It is something you're born with like down syndrome and that's

congenital it's something you're born with i actually learned that on vile files because i was like i actually don't what i don't even know what congenital means yeah and that's what my ex husband's insurance stated autism is by definition i don't know if autism is something you're born with right i i don't think it's a proven theory it's not like down syndrome where you can see a marker is missing right is added or missing i don't want to misspeak missing i believe missing added it's added right 43 and don't quote i'm the wrong person to ask yeah I think it's like 43 instead of 42 or something like that. Oh, yeah. And I was like, wow, this fucking sucks. Yeah.

So then I was like, well, fuck it. I am doing all these brand ambassadors. I brand, and there's a reason for this. So I do all this brand ambassading I'm on Facebook I'm on Instagram I'm on YouTube I make YouTube videos every other week and I said well then I guess I need my own insurance and I need to hire my friends who are helping me on these videos as my employees full-time and I'm going to make an LLC and I'm going to work my way around it and I'm going to apply for the

insurance that's needed for my son to get the help that he needs to get 40 hours of ABA every week. Go mama, go. So I asked my friends, would you consider working for me full time? We'll make, and this is when content creation was huge. Will you, we'll make YouTube. We'll do everything we're doing now and we'll just gas it. We'll just blow it up. And I don't care if I monetize. I need to get my son's insurance. And my friends are like, yeah, fuck it. We're independent contractors and they'll need insurance too.

So I created an LLC. I applied for private insurance. I was able to have the two employee minimum. private insurance. I was able to have the two employee minimum and I spent $2,500 a month on this private insurance for me and Grayson. And he got 40 hours of in-house ABA every week and OT and speech. And when I doubled down, ABA is what saved him. he is a fucking incredible little human that is above not only the state but our township curve so with education in math and literacy he is top of his class he is don't get me wrong he's a little shit starter but like he is i mean he's your child yeah he went from not speaking not he went into first grade he's in second first grade without reading without

even comprehending what a word is on paper wow to he is like a g or h reading level he knows how to read books front to back he's like reading harry potter he talks too i saw a couple videos incredibly yeah he's in jujitsu with my fiance twice a week he wants to wrestle the same way my fiance does he when i tell you he will tell me how it is he he is like not only talks it's he won't stop talking i'm like i know i wish this for a few years but can you not maybe take it down just a notch but and he argues so fluidly I'm like as much as I want to be like can you like not I'm like proud I'm like so proud like you can argue with me three years ago I would have I would never have guessed that we would be here and I

don't think a lot of people give the accolades that they need because you know I've had people in my life and in his life unfortunately that'll be like well you don't know if he would have just ended up like this it's always the doubters right it's always you don't know if like what you did was even the reason like he could have just been slower than the norm. And I'm like, next time somebody says that be like, but I didn't wait around to find out. Exactly.

I did what a mom is supposed to do. And I advocated for my children and that's what the fuck any mom should do. And I'm so proud of you for doing that. No, thank you. And I, you know, he was put into my life for this.

He was put into my life to understand sensory needs and sensory issues. And I'm on the board of Culture City now with some of the most amazing people advocating for children and adults like my son or Down syndrome and PTSD and war veterans and everyone alike. So they're able to go to venues or fly or go to places they never thought they would be able to. And it's all because of him. And I thank him every day. I'm like, your story is being told through the universe, even right now.

And it's so beautiful because your story is going to help so many people. And we're going to break those barriers. So everyone like yourself or everyone with PTSD and Down syndrome and, you know, war veterans that can't hear certain noises can live a beautiful life. And I always say, and it's all because of you and you open my eyes to want to help people just like you. You have a philanthropic aura. You're just so sweet. And giving back just makes you so happy.

Watching you talk about advocating for your son and being on the board and all that stuff, it really fills your cup. It does. It's beautiful to watch because you can tell you really believe in this and just wholeheartedly like it's your mission in life. Yes. I love that for you. I have two passion projects in my life.

That's one. That's my ride or die. That's the one that like I'm waiting for Grayson to take over my legacy in that so he can speak for himself through his eyes yeah and I'll be honest he doesn't know he has autism no we don't speak about it yeah we don't need to why put it why put a label on it there's no need for it if I say culture city or if I say autism he's like what's that and I'm like nothing honey no just something that mommy's talking about because Grayson's Grayson and I advocate for him but he doesn't have to know that it's because of a diagnosis he had he just remembers

who Grayson is today he doesn't know who Grayson is or was at two right three and there'll be a day and that's the reason why I saved those videos for him to see when he's way older probably your daughter's age and he can digest that yeah and um i'm gonna let him take that and whatever he wants to do if he wants to be an advocate amazing if he wants to close that chapter in his life because i don't believe in a couple years he'll need assistance anymore yeah he has wonderful teachers in his school system that help him but i i truly believe he'll be with the general um population and mainstreamed by middle school and so it might just be and that was the goal that was what that russian lady told me she's like you're you need to you need to do this. So by the time he's in middle school,

you won't need me. But look at you for, you know, kudos to you for listening to her because as somebody could have looked at her, I've been like 40 hours a week. Like that's crazy. But you thought it was crazy, but you still did it. Now look at the results that you've gotten with your son. You're an incredible woman. That's like, that just warms my heart here. And all of that, you're such a fighter for, you know, good causes and, you know, for your children. And just after all the shit you've been through to become the woman that you have is really admirable. Thank you. It's, it's still scary. My other passion project, the one that is stemming off of my trauma where I'm trying to like use it. That one intimidates me.

Which is, is it the horror movies? Yes. Let's talk about it. And my fiance was like, you have to talk about it. I was like, I really don't want to. He's like, well, I'm going to call your manager and tell you that you have to. And it's scary because I'm finally comfortable in my own skin right now. I am.

I'm just, I'm being honest. But. skin right now. I am. I'm just, I'm being honest. But... No better feeling. It is, but I don't do well in it. I want to get uncomfortable again. Aww. So during COVID, my dad was like, what do you want to be when you grow up?

And I said, I have no idea. And I'm damn near pushing 40. But when I decided that I wanted to take, now you know the full story of my background where vile files didn't. I live with that trauma. But my dream was to make psychological thrillers. Not necessarily horror, which I love horror,

but psychological thrillers through the eyes of schizophrenic people. And that's something that I have not spoken about. This is you turning your trauma into art. Yeah. So the first movie I made during COVID is through a psychiatrist's eyes going through her master's degree or in her doctorate's degree and doing an experiment on people to see if she could break.

Wow. She could break them. Wow. Yeah. That's heavy. That is. And my second one that I'm about to go pitch that I'm finalized, I just finished writing, is through the eyes of a woman

that possibly has schizophrenia. So to her, though, it has schizophrenia. So to her though, it's real, but to the others, is it? So it's, and I want to play on that. So I,

it's not like the slasher films. It's not like the, you know, the, the horror movies of, you know, today and things. It is through the eyes of mental illness,

but I think there's something so beautiful to it. Because to me, when I speak to my mom, and I'm sure when you spoke to yours, it's matter of fact, your mother had five or six siblings. That's what she believes. What my mom says to me, it's what she believes. And it took me 30 something years to get over that anger and being like, that's not real. Like that's not real. The thing about schizophrenia is you, and if you have a loved one in that, with that mental illness, you have to just accept the fact that what they see and hear is just true to them. And when you can get over that, I feel like you can have a beautiful relationship or you can just roll with the punches

and you can accept their way of life. It doesn't have to be the relationship you expected it to be, but it can be a relationship. Right. And so I'm taking my trauma as my childhood. And there is a day that I dream to make one about my mother in itself. But I have to actually do this well. Yeah, I think you have to get there.

I feel like when you dial into things, you really. Yeah. I want to tell my mother's story through her eyes one day yeah that would be my like avatar I swear I love that but so all the movies that I want to make and they're little indie films and they're they're just my passion projects because I feel like that's my therapy you have been making them correct yes I Yes, I finished one. You've been writing, directing, producing? Yes. Because nobody can take my baby from me. Right.

So if I'm going to do psychological thrillers, I need to do it my way. So I wrote, directed, and produced the first one. The second one I'm going to do, I wrote it. I'm going to direct it. I will hire a production company because it's actually a real budget. It's not my own money. The first one was my own money. And I'm going to try and pitch it to Paramount or Shudder,

whoever will have me. You're manifesting right now. I hope. You are. But, yeah, there's something. I want to give my mom a legacy. Yeah. And it's kind of a messed up legacy, there's something. I want to give my mom a legacy. And it's kind of a messed up legacy, horror thrillers. But I want to give people with that type of mental illness a legacy

and to kind of break the barriers the same way I do with my son, even if it's in a weird way because it can be healing and it can be a conversational piece. If you see a movie two ways. If you see a movie that you can see it through the eyes of a schizophrenic and the eyes of a logical person that's not a schizophrenic in that movie and you can sit together and have almost an argument or a conversation and be like, well, I agree with this person or I agree with that one,

it opens the dialogue of the bigger picture. And the bigger picture is how they view the world and how we should be softer to how they view the world. And that's my goal. I love that. Yeah, I think that's my goal. I love that. Yeah. I think that's awesome. And I think that you're doing a really good job with the trauma that you were given.

I understand now why therapy isn't a thing for you because you're an artist at heart. So creating is what makes you happy. Yeah. And I think that's amazing. I can't wait to see it. I want to see it. You got to send it to me. Send me the first one.

I want to see it. I want to see it. You got to send it to me. Send me the first one. I want to see it. My baby one that I made of COVID is like, you know, balling on a dollar budget. Yeah. It's nothing to be. It's my proud moment to say that I'm going to do this. Yeah. This is what I'm going to do.

What was your first attempt? You wanted to see if you could follow through with it. Yeah. To see if I'm capable. But the one that I want to make for my mom um it's and i haven't even written it yet but that one i want to you know uh i want to make in her in her eyes and i i want to tell her story of how in 2017 when my when the hospital called me saying that she was wandering the streets for three days and was lost and confused and didn't know who she was and hadn't had a drink or water.

And this was right before I was leaving for Vegas for the New Jersey Shore family vacation. And I have to shout out one of my producers. This is the story I want to tell. My mom was lost, wandering the streets, confused, not knowing who she was. And the thing about schizophrenics, they still have free will, ironically.

That's wild. And she was, our world is in a mental health crisis. Wild. As far as help wise. So, she lived in the state of New York and I could not get her

in the state of New Jersey to save my life because she had free will and she never wanted to move away from what she known. But this was obviously a detrimental situation I was in. So I told my mom, do you want to come swimming at my house? No. She goes, yeah, for sure. I want to spend the summer and come swimming at your house. That was my way of getting her to New Jersey to save her. Because the hospital was like well she's going to be released i had my fiance's sister pick her up at the hospital pick her cat up that was stuck in her apartment and drive her to

new jersey where i had nowhere to put her nowhere i didn't know what to do and my producer ashley was like i have an assisted living home friend like like my best friend runs one. And she had my mom in there within a week. Her diabetes stabilized her, um, her blood sugar, everything. And, and a, um, a psychiatrist and medicated. She was off her meds. She was off everything. And I had to go to Jersey shore the next day. my gosh but if it wasn't for ashley i would have never made the show i would have never have been able to help give my mom the care that she needs and i would never have gotten her out of new york because that's where she was choosing to live and i had no right yeah so the opener of the movie is going to be through her eyes walking

those three days and nine when we had a heat wave in the state of new york where like all the air conditioners broke i don't know if you saw it on the news it's just like yeah damn near eight years ago and that's gonna that's how i envision the opener of it being i love that and i think that's gonna be captivating yes because a lot of people deal with mental health issues. Some might not be as extreme as schizophrenia, but their mental health is rampant and everybody deals with either if it's a form of depression, a form of anxiety, uh, BPD is, is people are speaking up more now about having it. So I really think that these are going to be healing for children of people

who have schizophrenia and as well as children of people who have schizophrenia and as well as children of parents who have mental illness and people who have mental illness themselves. Yeah. Yeah. That's my goal. I love it. I think it's amazing. It's my therapy. I really, I love it. I think it's a beautiful thing. Thank you. The last thing I want to talk to you about is your relationship ah how's that going it's good you know it's so I'm scared to talk about it because it is so good oh and I also ruin great things yes try to people you know we came off rocky on the show originally but that's not who he is and that's not who I am. And reality TV is, you know, the devil that I play with. Right. And it's my career.

But, like, he is my light every. Oh, sorry. I felt it. I felt it falling and I was like trying to hold it. Oh, I didn't realize it was on that. I'm just going to move up a little bit. Thank you. Sorry.

Now I understand why there's a weight right there. I was like, were you working out right before? It would be too far off, though. I do do weird shit. I'll eat like a piece of pizza, like especially when we're traveling. I always tell them. There we go. When we're traveling, I tell them, I'm like, I always gain three pounds when I hang out with you guys.

So I'll eat like a piece of pizza and then I'll start like lifting weights. I'm sorry. When you, once you hit 40, that shit does not come off as easy as it did. You hit 40? I'm 44. I'm sorry. I love you. Yeah. I'm 44. The internet, the internet says I'm what, how old does it say I am? Yeah. I always say I'm an eternal vampire on the internet. So I've had to be very, it's crazy because I used to get so much hate where people were like, you're too young to talk about things you talk about. And I can't believe Jelly married so young. And then how old is he?

Just turned 39. I really thought you were younger than me. Oh, I love you. But no, sorry, guys. Sorry about that. My microphone fell over but um okay so let's fire let's go let's get back on track and let's talk about your um relationship yes so how's that going and can you tell me a little bit about like do you guys have plans for

a wedding or what's going on with that um I don't know if I'm going to take that. So I've been married before. And by getting married, I don't think it defines a great relationship. Right. To me anyways. I agree. Been there, done that. Like it just doesn't define a great relationship. So what I have with Zach is so precious. I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure it just stays exactly what it is.

He is like my knight in shining armor and I protect our relationship. You guys, I am so sorry, Jenny. Goodness. I'm like sitting here trying to hold it. I'm like, yeah, that's great. Here, let me just hold the mic. This is amazing. Okay. All right. All right. right we good I'm not touching it all right I'm not touching it all right so let's get back to the relationship so marriage uh does not define a piece of paper and marriage does not define a great relationship yes and for me it doesn't I know Zach would love to get married and I feel that we will.

My birthday is actually our fifth anniversary. My first date in 2019 was my birthday with him. Aww. But being so, I guess, just going through the heartache of a divorce and being so traumatized through a divorce, I don't ever want to put that on him, but I also don't want to put that negativity on him.

Right. I want to do something different. Yeah. I want like the Curtis and Goldie Hawn relationship. I always say that. I always say Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. Kurt Russell, yes. I always say that. I always say Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. Kurt Russell, yes. Like they are beautiful.

And so for us, it's just, it's great. And for him to take on the kids that he, and the role and the capacity that he has. Like if I'm not home, he brings my daughter to cheer. He brings my son to jujitsu. They have that together. He teaches him. When therapy was at our house like he shows up he gets grace it in the shower he puts him to bed

they read together they have their mantras together every night like he is their stepfather and he loves them as much as i do he's he's just such a pivotal and such a beautiful role in our house that I actually, I took that as a, and I took a step back in social media and putting him everywhere. Cause I want to protect what we have at all costs. And, um, the world might not see it because of what we have on the reality TV show. So to me, I'm like, he is my everything and I'm going to protect that. Yeah. You have to,

and I'll fight you. You know, like, yeah, it's just like, he's a pro wrestler, right? Yes.

Yeah. He's, he works for a, what is it? A E W. Yes. Yeah. Um,

but same as Serea, right? Serea. I just saw Serea. I love her. She not a doll baby? She is incredible. She's a sweet, just warm human.

I just love her. She just came on. I saw it. I was like, my two worlds are colliding right now. She is literally when I come back in another life, I want to be Soraya. Cause I, inside I'm an emo goth girl. I just don't have the aesthetic. Yeah.

So she's, she embodies everything I love. She's aesthetically just perfect for that. Yeah. She just don't have the aesthetic. Yeah. So she's, she embodies everything I love. She's aesthetically just perfect for that. Yeah. She's a, she's a doll baby, but yeah. So being with a wrestler, are you a wrestling fan?

So actually I'm not, but I'm learning. Yeah. And I think Zach's dream is to go to the WWE, which is just incredible in itself. We know all these wrestlers that are there and, um, it's, it's not easy on the body. Soraya, she broke her neck or back.

Twice. And we didn't think that she was going to come back. So I was there the day she came back. And like, I'm such a fan of the hard work wrestlers put in and the accolades they don't get because everyone's like oh it's fake it's this it's like the the injuries are not fake no the she says it perfect she says it's it's fixed not fake love that it's fixed not fake I love that and um the hard work and the traveling and the missing out on so many life,

you know, home life things because, you know, they put their all into the career. But my dream is for him to live his dream because he's wanted it. When I first got together with Zach, Grayson was two. And his mother, who's my kid's Mimi Mimi Mimi goes to me and she goes Zach wanted to be a wrestler since he was Grayson's age and Grayson's just sitting there in his diaper and stuff and to me that that was so precious because I don't know what that's like I don't know what it's like to have a dream that you've wanted your whole life right like I'm molding myself into the dreams that I want now based on my past and I don't even know if it's going to work out right I don't know if

these movies are going to work out I am they will work out yes but I'm a pig in shit being on reality for the last 15 years like I fell into this amazing you know at the time that I was in college I wanted to be an animator but then i went to animation school i was like oh that ain't for me either like i'm so thankful to mold my dad's a used car salesman or he was growing up so i'm like i'm a daughter of a used car salesman i can mold myself into that fresh new car smell and like figure it out yeah But for someone that I meet and that I'm with and I wake up every morning too, he's wanted this dream since he was two. And I admire that so much because I don't know what that's like. And I'll never know. And the work that he puts into every morning, 5.30 in the

morning, gets up, works out, regimented. He wants to be done with his workouts before the kids and I wake up so he can dedicate that hour to helping me get ready with the kids and get them to the school bus. But the way he's so regimented and the way he carries himself and he lives a drug-free life, lives an alcohol-free life except for the weekends and he doesn't allow himself, even if I'm like Monday, like, do you want to drink? Cause I haven't had a drink. He's like, no, it's Monday. Like I admire that because he has goals and I've kind of like fallen into my goals and I've learned through like my traumas, like where I want my goals to end up or through my kids, where I want my goals to end up.

This has been his life story. Yeah. And that's beautiful. That is beautiful. So I'm like, I want his dream probably more than him to be that WWE wrestler standing on stage and performing only because like I've never seen someone want like want something so badly. I know the first the first thing that helps a man succeed in life and accomplish his dreams

is having a woman behind him who believes in him. Yes. Because when I got with Jay, we had a wing and a prayer. And I know your backstory. I know you don't like the flowers and the accolades. But girl, yeah, you too. Not only are you meant together like to be and the accolades, but girl, you two, not only are you meant together, like to be together, but your backstory is so fucking beautiful.

I appreciate it. It really is. I appreciate you. He's my little cherub angel. I tell everybody he's just, he is everything that I wish I could be. My husband is just a sweetheart and just so diplomatic. I'm like, son of a bitch. What is it like to be that nice? You know,

like, how do you do it? But no, I think it's a good yin and yang that we have. And I feel like that you, that's how it is with you and your significant other also. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Jenny, I have taken over two hours of your time and I can, I feel like I could sit here and talk with you for another four hours like I just love your vibe I love the way you present yourself I love everything you stand for please keep kicking ass you too dude I appreciate you thank you for coming on the podcast thank you for having me this has been incredible and why don't you tell people where they can find you if they're not following you which I'm sure they all are but if they're not following you, which I'm sure they all are. But if they're not following you, what are your socials? I believe across the board, it's at JWoww, J-W-O-W-W, on everything. Yeah.

I'm everywhere. But I do nothing on any of them because I'm just watching all of you. I love that. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you. And thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Dumb Blonde. I'll see you guys next week. Bye.