Dumb Blonde - Perfectly Kelsey Part 1: From Chaos to CEO

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Bunnie sits down with Kelsey Pumel, aka Perfectly Kelsey, who is blowing up on just about every social media channel near you. In Part 1, she talks about how she grew from just a regular midwestern girl to a content creator with over 2.2 million followers, and did so while brekaing generational curses of trauma and surviving domestic abuse. Kelsey and Bunnie share stories about the dark times in toxic relationships and how they got out of it to live a life that's better and much healthier. Kelsey shares more about the awakening she had where she fully knew she deserved a better life, how she created the protection within herself that she always wanted, and inspiration for women wanting to be their own CEO out there making boss moves.  Bunnie: Website  Perfectly Kelsey: TikTok | Instagram  Watch Full Episodes & More: www.dumbblondeunrated.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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all right gentlemen coming to main stage next this is bunny get up there she's got a tornado of titties coming your way get those dollar bills ready she's got an ass that shakes like michael j fox so get up there and throw throw throw them dollars dude that is fucking iconic what's up you sexy motherfuckers welcome to another episode of don blonde today i have one of my most requested guests besides dimps on the podcast everybody wants to know the tea and i do believe that she's here to spill it. So we're going to definitely be sipping some fucking tea. But Kelsey Pummel, what's up, baby? How are you?

I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I just got nervous. I started sweating. I'm so happy to have you here. Thank you. You're so cute.

Sure. Okay. First of all, you are so tiny. Like, holy hell. She walked in. I was like, oh, sweet little baby. People think I'm a lot bigger. Like, taller.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know what it is. Every time someone meets me. Yeah. I think we're just larger than life personalities on TikTok. So people just assume. I think it's like a Tom Cruise thing.

Like everybody thinks he's a big badass. And then you meet him and he's like five foot. Yeah. Yeah. But you're like so tiny and so cute and beautiful in person. So are you, girl. I appreciate you. This is listen. This is a work of art.

Let me tell you, I get up, I don't wake up like this, okay? I do not wake up like this. And Lord knows, it's hair and makeup for fucking an hour before we get on camera. I was telling somebody the other day, my favorite video of you is when you jumped up out that pool and you smacked that thigh down. I said, mine doesn't move like that. I watched it way too many times dude i i never imagined that that fucking video would get fucking i think it's like at 12 or i don't even know where it's at 15 million views i'm at least a million of them yeah

well you know we'll have to talk after this maybe maybe we can make some uh content for the other spicy site no i'm just kidding oh Oh, God. I'm not prepared. I'm super vanilla. No. I like missionary. Stop it. I doubt that. I really doubt that. Nobody believes it.

Are you vanilla in bed? So vanilla. I don't believe it. It's so bad. Why? I don't know. I said why. I wish I knew.

Sure, my husband wants to know, too. So is it that you're, it's not that you're boring. You just prefer just, yeah, I don't know. I get my husband wants to know too. So is it that you're, it's not that you're boring. You just prefer just. Yeah, I don't know. I get, sex makes me uncomfortable. Really? Yeah, I mean, obviously I love sex with my husband, but I'm still just very timid in that area.

Yeah. I don't know why. Because I'm not in life, very loud. Yeah. And crazy and out there. And I definitely give off something else. Is it that you're shy or is it that. In bed?

Yeah. Yes. Like I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm very self-conscious in the bedroom. Was there any trauma that happened as a child? Yeah, I was raped when I was 19. Okay. Well, let's, you know, let's go all the way back.

So where are you from, Kelsey? Where were you born? I'm from Indiana. So I was born in Logan Sport, but I grew up mainly in Northern Indiana. Okay. Gotcha. And then from there how was your relationship with your parents tell me a little bit about your childhood my dad but my

parents did get divorced when I was five okay and I remember everything like everything like all of my traumatic memories like I could still smell if I talk about it like they're divorced I remember the night they got divorced I remember the scene and I just I remember everything yeah when it came down to their separation and I was a huge daddy's girl um was that um so you were five years old so up until five it was mom dad and you did you have siblings yes so I had a sister and a brother biologically um so it was us five okay and then they got divorced and we I don't we moved closer like I think we lived in Nashville Indiana and Columbus Indiana back and forth I know we had no money I remember having like no money how did they tell you that they were going to get divorced did they sit you down

or was it my trauma uh this is my first traumatic memory that I have people don't realize that you know the body keeps score yes and literally literally trauma starts at the moment of conception. A lot of people don't realize that. If your mom was unhappy while she was pregnant with you, if you guys were arguing or if they were arguing, not you guys, you guys weren't arguing. If, you know, she was arguing, if she was depressed, any of that affects the baby in the womb.

Yeah. So a lot of people, I don't know if you guys know that. Trauma does start at the moment of conception. Absolutely actually my first traumatic moment is i was three and i fell out of a tree house and i broke my elbow and my sister was walking me home she walked me through the back door and i'm crying and my mom's like we need to take her to the hospital and my dad in my arm instead of consoling me or taking me they just started arguing and they're just screaming at each other he didn't want he didn't think I needed to go to the hospital. She did.

He didn't. They just sat there. And I am, I vividly remember looking at him, like, on his, like, sofa chair thing. I don't know. And then her on the stairs. And I lived in this house when I was three for, like, a few months. But I remember the whole layout, everything. So she picked me up, showed me the hospital.

And I remember my dad calling. Like, the nurse kept coming in in like, hi, Mr. Pummel's on the phone. And she was like, well, if he wanted to be here, if he cared enough to be here, if he cared about her, he'd be here. So he doesn't need to know. And I remember the whole argument and just being told he didn't care about me. And I remember that at three, like I remember being told that. But then at five, the divorce, they got, we were sleeping. Me and my sister shared a room and my brother had another room. She was in the bed closest to the door. You come in and I was on the other side and we were listening to them argue. And then it got quiet. And the next thing you know, he comes in and my brother's sitting on his shoulders. Like he had got my brother out of bed, put him on his shoulders, came in the room,

grabbed my sister out of bed and came over to my bed and he put her on this leg and me on this leg and he just started crying and he was like i'm never gonna see you guys again your mom's making me leave oh no right like looking back i'm like my dad fucked me up a little bit but i love him like dad we love you but come on now like he breaks down so if i tell this story if i talk to him about it he'll just start profusely crying he was like i fucked up i can't believe i did that like he is so he'll tear himself apart i feel like our parents didn't know how to parent because their parents didn't know how to parent you know so like that generation of parents just didn't know how to break generational curses and they inflicted all their fucking bullshit that they got

onto us you know and my mom had a very traumatic childhood too and she had a horrible relationship with her mom um we weren't allowed to speak to her i think i was 13 when i was told i would not talk to her anymore like she had her own stuff and like i judged my mom a lot for me being fucked up because that that whole thing fucked me up and then she didn't know what to do with me after and so i was just treated like the bad seed right because that was at that time that i started lashing out so your parents will rewind it back a little bit so dad comes in you're crying he's crying he tells you hey we're getting a divorce i'm never going to be able to see you again then what happens from there you guys move away yep did you ever find out why they divorced a dad cheat or something yeah like later

didn't know my dad was wild bro uh he didn't cheat oh shit but he did like have a dad he had like a whole other house he was growing weed in i had no idea about and that's why she divorced him no i think there's more he apparently he had left us when we were really young like was that a hippie shit i'm kinda like he just like up and left for colorado one day and like ditched us all like i had no idea about any of this though right i always remember him there right i don't remember this but later yeah i mean now like looking back like i remember being at my grandma's all the time like my grandma my grandma and grandpa raised us right I remember being there I remember my aunts taking care of us a lot I remember one time one of my aunt's boyfriends had to walk us back to the house because my dad wouldn't or something my mom needed help and I remember her boyfriends always stepping in I remember all

her boyfriends they would step in to help so like he just wasn't a present parent when we were little gotcha and he really didn't grow into his parent role until I was about 13 gotcha so you said something about all your mom's boyfriends no that was my aunt's boyfriend aunt's boyfriend okay I thought you said mom okay so after you guys moved away you were just raised by your mom and your siblings went with you yeah so we all we were close but then she met a man when I was seven. Okay. And we moved to Elkhart, Indiana. Okay.

And he was like rich. Nice. Go mom, go. And that was her goal because she didn't have no money. She didn't have nobody to be raised. Like that was the one thing. I mean, she had a traumatic history, but that was a big lack. Did you guys struggle a lot whenever your mom and dad broke up?

Like I remember hearing her talk and saying she didn't know if she was going to be able to buy Christmas presents one year. Like she had to pick between food and Christmas presents. And I remember those conversations. That's heavy for a kid because my parents used to argue about money all the time too. And that was, I think that was one of my major drives in life because I was like, I'm never going to fucking be like them. I had an example of everything I didn't want to be growing up,

and I fucking ran with it because I was just like, I'm never going to fight with my husband about buying my kid fucking school clothes. You know, like that shit, parents don't realize that. We're like little sponges. You take it all in. The kids hear everything everything man and it they we internalize it and in return it turns out so you know us turning into little fucking hood rats right you know fucking just being fucking drug addicts and like it just manifests itself in so many different ways and

people don't even realize that okay go ahead and keep going my mom i hated did the same. My mom, I hated my stepdad. I hated him. And at the beginning, I'm sure it was rooted in you're not my dad. Right. Typical stuff. But I was mean. Did they get married right away? Yeah. And they did it behind her back.

So like they just came home one day and they were married. So just betrayal already. And I hate, oh, I hated that man so damn much. And so that was my biggest drive is I was never going to rely on a man for money. Right. So I was like, couldn't leave him. Was he mean to you? Yeah.

Oh, he was. Well, he would reciprocate. So don't get me wrong. I was mean. He's a fucking grown man though. But I was a child. Exactly. I was a child going through trauma.

And instead of anyone really hearing me ever, it was in and out of doctor's office. He wanted me medicated. He wanted me drugged. He wanted me diagnosed. He wanted me sent to boarding school and i wasn't a bad kid i just talked a lot you were rebellious but i didn't do anything i never did drugs i never i wasn't sleeping around like i wasn't sneaking out i wasn't doing anything i just talked a lot of shit yeah i was like i don't like you so i look at him like i don't fucking like you yeah i'd be 11 fuck you you were just spicy i like i was the same way though i hated my stepmother but she was extremely physically

abusive yeah he got to that point wow okay so you're seven years old mom gets married how long do they stay together for they just got a divorce so they separated actually probably a decade ago okay they stayed married he ended up cheating her, putting his hands on her too. All kinds of stuff. Wow. But they stayed together. And I know in my opinion, she stayed because money. But she would just keep squeezing money out.

So like he'd cheat and she would make him sign paper saying if he did it again, she would get X, Y, and Z. You got to pay to play. You know, I wholeheartedly believe in that tactic. I wasn't mad. I didn't like it. So I was like, squeeze it. I think if a man cheats on his wife and a woman's going to stay, obviously she loves him.

But at the same time, she's just like, okay, this is your punishment. Because men, you got to hit them where it hurts. You know, they don't fucking care about other things. But if you hit them in the pockets, they fucking don't. They remember that shit. Oh shit. If I do this, I'm going to have to fucking pay for this. So when did the abuse start with you and your stepdad?

There was one day I got them in a fight. Yes. You know what? I love that you can own it and admit it though. You know, like most people would be like, I don't know why they were fighting. Oh no.

I was the problem. Manipulating the shit. I don't know. I'm kidding. I don't know how I got them. I don't remember that part, but I know the I was the problem. Manipulating the shit out of it. No, I'm kidding. I don't know how I got them. I don't remember that part. But I know the fight was my fault. And I don't know if my mom was trying to defend me or telling him whatever.

But they started fighting and it was completely over me. And how old were you? I was probably nine or ten. Okay, gotcha. I love how smart you were, though. Like, you definitely picked that up from some somewhere along the line you were very smart i was very aware of human behavior at an early age same i read people like a motherfucker yeah and i tried to tell everybody about this man i was like

he's he's trifling uh no one would listen to me at nine excuse me mom he is trifling the words I used yeah but like with him so that situation happened and my mom just left me though so she they got in this fight and she stormed out and left and she left me there with him and so the next thing I know I'm in I'm in the bathroom I was standing at the sink and I just remember him busting into the bathroom and grabbing me by the arm and just shaking me and screaming at me and then yanking my body. And I'm, I was probably, I probably weighed 50 pounds. Bro, you're tiny now. So I couldn't imagine you at nine. He ripped me out of this bathroom and he just took me and he threw me into my room and I hit the side of my bed and I'm crying. But then I'm also, there's a

part of me was so excited to tell my mom. See, he's a terrible man. See, I told you so bad. So she comes home and I'm like, he did this, he did this, he did this. And she told me not to tell my dad because it would start a family war. And that was the first moment in my life that I was like, nobody's going to protect me. I have to figure this out for myself. And that's where like this deep rooted like need to protect the people I love and defend myself came from like it was that moment yeah I know it now like looking back try not to cry looking back like that was the moment cry please no I'm just kidding make it super juicy no no no I was that moment I 100% can relate with that because you know like

I said my stepmother was extremely abusive my dad never protected me yeah so everybody that i am is in my circle i am fiercely protective of say what you want about me do right you come from my family i swear to god i'm gonna come for your entire fucking same everything you know like i'll fucking write google reviews i get crazy i'll find out where you work i'll get you fired like that's how crazy i am when you come against my family what's that sound on t-shirt let's light this candle. Oh yeah. No, seriously. That's me. Like let's go. Cause then I'm so calm about everything. But then if you come for the people that I love, it's just on and cracking. Like I'm not going to fucking, I'm not playing with you. Fuck around and find out. Yep. So that moment that you felt unprotected by your mom, what happens

then? You're nine years old and you're fucking already mad at the world i i really don't remember much i remember being 11 and him spanking me it's almost like you blacked out yeah just kind of like after that i was kind of like i just kind of went with it well at 11 is when things i remember getting weird because he spanked me me and my sister went for we were like camping or something and we went for a walk we came back and apparently they got very scared that we got lost or something so instead of like a normal parent like well it's not normal I guess this generation this was their reaction they were scared so then they lash out on the children right so but his daughter was with me and we go back in

and they're screaming at us and he takes me and her and he starts whooping me so he had kids too yeah he had two yeah so she's my youngest and my oldest were they favored uh no i mean they had their own issues because their mom was fucked up too so they got their own like shit that they had to like where like they were in it too but he didn't ever do anything to them but he also didn't ever do anything to my sister like me my brother got the root of it. I got the most. Right. Grunt.

That's it. Not brute. My brother did when he got older. So I, before I interrupted you, you said that he, he had barged in and what had happened. Oh yeah.

So when I was nine, that would live, that was there. Well, I'm sorry. That was nine. Yeah. And that was just when my mom told me not to tell my dad

right okay but then you said that there was a situation we had moved on yeah so we walk in or he put like throws us into this trailer he starts spanking me does not touch his daughter though doesn't spank her doesn't do anything and that's the only thing I remember about this trip except I got my first boob I remember that on this trip it's such a weird your first boob. I remember that on this trip. It's such a weird memory. Your first boob? Yeah. Like, you know, when your boob start, just one. I thought something happened to me. I like called my mom and I was like, mom, look, it's something bit my nipple. Yeah.

Like, cause it had like started growing and this one didn't. And I'm like, what's happening? I remember that happening on this trip. What a fucking, that is a traumatic event for everybody. one time getting slapped around by stepdad like shit when it's hit on this side it was this boob i don't know this weird did they even out along the way they did they got in there really nice good good i bet they are after children still too i'm really proud of them i love that but like after around that time is when he demanded i either get put in boarding school

or they you know i'm in and out of like cat psychiatrist officers so did were they sending you to therapy and stuff like that so i had to do that and they were drugging me like when i like now know what i was being given like a billify at 11 like high doses one it's terrible for the girls holy shit but they were plugged like that i mean i'm lexapro zoloft i mean i was a zombie for probably the next that's why you don't remember anything that was that's a huge part i just remember being in and out of those offices i think children and you know everybody can come for me for this but i just feel like when you're you're a child i it's you're developing moments you know and i just feel like if you can do everything holistically for your child i just really believe that that helps and they're it's detrimental to their their growth as a you

know an adult you know when you start taking medications at such a young age i just feel like that really programs you for a life of having to take medication or not working through what the fucking problem is. You know, most medications, most are like Band-Aids. Yes, exactly. Covering this one problem. Yeah. But you're causing all these others. Yes.

And then they always stop working and then you have to take another one. You have to have the dosage. And it's just it's literally that you have to take this. Yeah. You're a dog literally just chasing your tail. and it's just it's literally that you have to take this yeah you're a dog literally just chasing your tail and it's just you never really find out what the fuck is going on until you get to the root of the fucking problem that's very um i'm sorry that that happened to you that they did that to you you know um i couldn't imagine being a child and having such a transition and

then you know not being protected and then being you know put on medication and you know stuff like that my parents tried to put me in a mental hospital when i was 14 they did and fucking because i was just like you i was rebellious i was mouthy i hated my fucking stepmom but you know that's not the answer you don't fucking lock your kid away you fucking sit with them and you figure out what the fuck is going on right you know i never felt hurt ever ever and that's exactly why we're probably the like outlandish women that we are. Because it was children should be seen, not heard. Now that we are our own women, we're like, we are women. Hear me roar, motherfuckers.

We are here and we are here to stay. So after him saying that he wanted you to go to a boarding school and stuff like that, what happens then? Well, mom shut the boarding school idea down. Damn. Good job, mom. Finally. Thank God. Right. About time. Had that. stuff like that what happens then when mom shut the boarding school idea down damn good job mom finally thank god right about time had that but she was very open to the medication and diagnosis and they had me diagnosed was she on medication no okay she probably should have been but

it's always medicate the kids never medicate the adults that's what it's like later we can talk about a psychiatrist told me when i he was like before continuing to diagnose yourself with crazy why don't you just look at the people you're surrounded by what a great psychiatrist that's amazing and he told me get rid of your mom i don't care if she's your mom get rid of her get rid of this boyfriend who's now my baby daddy and your life will probably change and you'll see you might not be as crazy as you feel. And that's, I mean, that was a huge lesson. Yep. That's really cool. That was one of like my big eye-opening lessons and I didn't change anything right away.

But looking back, like I remember like kind of started shaping my mind. Yeah. But yeah, I got diagnosed with, God, bipolar 2, I think, which is like just chronic depression. I was 11. Why am I chronic depression? Oh my goodness. I was at Oh my goodness Bipolar 2 Depression

ADD Generalized Anxiety Disorder and then they tried to Diagnose me I think with ODD But I don't know if that ever actually stuck What is ODD? Operational Defiant Disorder I got it I never even knew that was a thing I think I

might have that too definitely got that one is that like you just don't listen to authority right is that what it is oh how did they put a fucking they will make a name up for everything like that's rebellion you're just a rebellious fucking kid so I don't think that ever stuck they were trying to get me diagnosed with a personality disorder too, which never stuck, but like they were pushing that they wanted that. Right. It didn't stay. Um, well, once I got to college, you know, my mom wasn't sitting there with me to take my medicine. So eventually I was at IU for a while. That's amazing that, you know, you still went off to college. How were your high school years before we skip over those? Did you party you get involved in drugs were you a cheerleader you strike me as a cheerleader did i not read that right i even told mimi that i was like she reminds me of a cheerleader yeah

i love it but i was like in every group that was what's funny is like i was i had my cheerleader friends but then i mainly hung out you know honestly i mainly hung out with all of people of color like this that's what i grew up around like i went to the black church like that's those were my those are the best churches they're the best they're so now they last all damn day yeah yeah but they're a good time yeah no we would travel like an hour and a half every sunday oh just for this one church but it was worth it the drummer boy was so cute oh little drummer boy i loved him i loved i loved all my like my upbringing because well one i was i don't know if you've heard we'll get into this later yeah i was deemed at one point on the internet as racist and this like broke me because i'm like wait this

was all i knew when i watched a video which'll talk, we'll touch on this. Somebody said that. And I was like, how? I was like, how can you even like, it was definitely like, now that I'm learning about it, it's racial ignorance. But for me, it was like, this is just what I grew up around. This is just how I talk. This is just how I am. This is just the effect of being in this community my entire life. But the world didn't know that the world didn't know my background. The world didn't know what I grew up around. And I think the world doesn't know the difference between cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation. Yeah. And the chameleon effect. Yes. Like I was literally raised and

shaped like any human. Doesn't matter what you're around, but what you are around is what is how you are shaped. Absolutely. That's the same story with Elvis with Elvis yeah that he grew up in a certain part of Memphis and literally his music reflected that and people hated him for that because they didn't understand that that's all he knew you know so yeah we'll get into that so high school was you're a cheerleader you were friends with everybody and you didn't do drugs or anything like that nothing juicy nope i was too scared to do anything like i had a boyfriend um and i think when 10th grade i think he touched me down there risque that is she said touched me down there um i think when i was did you lose your virginity in high school? Yes, I was almost 17. Me too. That's when I lost my virginity too. On a lawn chair.

We've been like two years. So romantic. So romantic. Had to pop my own cherry. I think you had a seizure during mine. Oh, no. I don't think I've ever told this story publicly. I would love to hear this.

OK. So. First of all. Are you diagnosed with having seizures? No. OK. I'm not like, oh, God, I'm probably going to get in trouble for saying that. No, you won't.

No, you won't. No, you won't. This is my show. Just my body. Your love. Got you. Literally, I couldn't control it. No, it was not.

Wait, was it an orgasm? No. It was just nerves. You were nerves. Okay, got you. I couldn't. It was literally like this and I couldn't control my body.

Oh, you poor baby. It was so embarrassing. You were so nervous. But before it was just funny. When I get nervous like that, my teeth start chattering and I get like real shaky. Oh, everything. But I mean, it was so bad. Like he was like, are you okay? Like, what did I do? Like freaking out. But before I got to that point, my mom always told me that when I get to the point where I'm ready to have sex, come to her and tell her so we can do this safely. And I took her at her word. So I went to her and I was like, I'm ready to have sex. She was like, no, the fuck you're not. And I was like, no, no, no. You told me to come to you and

help me. And she was like, I will call. And Darice was a black man. She was like, I will call his mother right now. And his mother did not like me because i was a white woman oh no she's like i'm gonna call his mom if you do this if you and i was just like the betrayal first of all you're gonna call his mom on me right she will kill me you're like listen linda all right then it gets worse she gets my sister's boyfriend who i went to high school with to have the sex talk with me oh no your sister's popular boy at my high school why doesn't she do it exactly that is weird i was like she sits pet we now him and i that's her husband now like they're together him and i still sit down and laugh about this because she sat she made me sit with this man who I went to high school with and have the sex talk with me and why I shouldn't do it.

How much older was he than you? He was older. Okay. He was like a senior. Well, I think he was out now. I think he was a freshman in college now. Okay. At this point at the top.

Still fucking awkward. So fucking awkward. Actually, he might have been a sophomore, but still, like, I grew up with him. Like, he knew my friends. He knew the boy we're talking about. Yeah. It was too much. Thanks, Mom. Yeah, I literally snuck out. It was's only time i snuck out that day why didn't i sneak out

i had a car i went and got in my car and left right and i went and had sex you're like so you're like i do not care about any of this conversation right so now we laugh because he was like she sat me down to have sex talking to you and you went and you had sex that day. But yeah, I get over there and I am just, well, he had a condom. I'm just literally, I mean, damn near my body is convulsing. Literally cannot control it. He's like, are you okay? Condom breaks. No.

So he freaks out, broke up with me the next day and wouldn't take me to prom. Oh my God. What a fucking douchebag. So I went with his best friend. Good. There you go. I mean, that's how, that's very Kelsey of you. I love that. His best friend's also my best friend. That's more of a pity date, but it's okay. I love it. He got mad at you because the condom broke.

Yeah. Isn't that how men are? I'm okay. Yeah. You're like, it wasn't that bad, dude. Like what the hell? So you lost your virginity in high school and then you move on to college. You graduate. I graduate. I go to IU. My first year at IU, I made the dance team. I was on the all African-American dance team. Yay. They don't know I can dance. You got some moves? You got some moves?

Not anymore. I'm old. I doubt that. Upside down, I have a few moves. Oh, shit, baby. I love it. But yes, I was on that team. My name was Gangsta Barbie.

Yay. We love it. We love a G Barbie. Back videos from throwbacks, if you will. That is hilarious. It was IUS since. It was the best time. I loved freshman year.

That part of freshman year. At the end of freshman year is when I was raped. And that's when I started diving into the bible well let's not skip over the whole situation can we talk about the rape because I think that that will help you know women knowing that the strong woman that you are what has made you become the strong woman that you are so see how quick I was trying to jump yeah no I saw I was like no no no let's reel back um so what happened so there was a boy on the iu football team um that i thought was cute um we

had hung out at this point i think three different times i went on a date to applebee's romantic and a couple other plays i don't even remember but it was like the fourth time he like invited me over i think he invited me over the third time and then i left and then after not after like anything we hadn't done anything it wasn't like that but the fourth time you know he asked if i wanted to drink i think i was nine i was 18 so i wasn't 19 yet but i was close this is like towards the end of the school year so i turn uh 19 may 13th so this is a little bit before i think it was in april taurus yes my whole team is tauruses oh guys you should my dog is loyal taurus oh i love that he's may 15th he's may 15th

oh that's close to me because i was close to my birthday but i was still 18 uh but i went over there and uh he had made drinks so i only had like half of this drink. I was sipping real slow. I had a little bit. He had quite a few. And then he took me to his room. And I thought we were just going to make out. The drink wasn't spiked or anything, was it?

No, I was fine. I wasn't drunk or anything. I remember everything. But we get up to the room. And I am. I'm very naive. Very naive. Especially when it comes to the room. And I am. I'm very naive. Very naive. Especially when it comes to sex and all that kind of stuff.

We're laying down, kissing. And then he starts to take off my pants. And I had said, no, that's too soon. Or please don't do that. Like I said a couple different versions of that. And he keeps going. And then I was like, no, no, no. I'm not comfortable.

I don't want to do this. And then he rips them off and he starts laughing oh and the laughing is something I think I'll hear like I can see his face um now uh laughing and then he just kept going and I couldn't do anything and then he was done when you're in that moment was it um did um, did you just freeze? Yep. I just laid there. Like once it didn't work to say no, I was like, well, just wait till it's over. Yeah. And so then it was over and I kind of like rolled over and he fell asleep. I was up. I don't remember falling asleep. I remember looking out this window like outside the whole night and it was like 5 AM. So he gets a five or 6 AM. Were you scared to get up and leave? Like it was like 5 a.m. he's a football player so he gets a 5 or 6 a.m.

Were you scared to get up and leave? Yes like I was just literally frozen and but then it got weird because he got up he said he had to run to check in they had some breakfast thing they had to do he'd be right back and he was like don't leave and I just remember like again like freezing and I was like okay and I laid there the moment he was out of sight I was up so fast and out and in my car and gone and I think I saw him I've only ever seen them twice since so one was at a party um I did win a dance competition at this party that night um and I remember winning this and I'm having so much fun and everyone's like people were throwing money at. I thought they were throwing paper at me.

I thought they didn't like me. I was like, they're throwing money at me. So I'm like, everyone's diving in to get the money. I'm like, what are we doing? I'm not done, guys. You're like, I'm doing my best. I was having the best time. Turn around after everything chilled. I turn around and he's right there. And I remember like feeling sick to my stomach and running and leaving this party. Did you ever confront him or did you tell him why you feel the way you feel? Actually, you know what? It gets weirder. Not weirder, but sadder, honestly.

I never said anything. I never went to the cops. I never did anything. I ended up going to therapy for a little bit. This is where it gets a little sad. So I did end up trying to tell my mom. And she told me that she didn't believe me. She thought I was just being a hoe.

Wow. I think she said promiscuous, but you know what i mean um that hurt i had yeah it's very hurtful i was molested and when i told my parents about it they told me they didn't believe me yep dude ended up being uh like one of the biggest rapists in texas raped his own sister everything oh my god yeah so this guy ended up raping quite a few women um i found out later that when i started finally opening up it was a year or two later i think it was two years for actually start opening up about it i did go to therapy during this time because i i refused to call it rape because i drove myself there i willingly went into that home and so i just kept i would always say i got taken advantage of it was was your way of rationalizing it. So you didn't feel like a victim. Yep. So finally the therapist beat it into me that it was rape. Um, took a while, but then I finally was able to say it. Um, and then I think

it was one of the girls on my dance team is who I first opened up to and he had raped her too. Um, and a couple other people she knew and in that moment that was like another one of my life-changing like big this is going to shape who i become moments because i all i could think was if you would have gone to the cops if you would have done something maybe that wouldn't happen to these women but because you chose to be silent other people got hurt so then i was in a moment i was like i'm never going to be silent again now obviously i was it takes a while uh because then i was getting beat and i was silent but um i just remember that being that first moment where i was like you can't be silent because people get hurt and i felt like i owed it

to people to be loud with my stories because if i wasn't, they were going to get hurt. And then it was my fault. I took these rapes as my fault. But you know it's not your fault. Now I do. Yeah. At that time, it was really hard for me to distinguish the difference. I blamed my rape and their rape on myself. You can't do that.

Sorry. You're okay. You can't do that, though. And I understand how you feel, especially because, you know, you see other women going through it and you feel like you could have stopped it, but you guys were all scared, you know, they didn't speak up either until you started speaking up. So in a way you started this movement of the healing. So that's how you have to look at it. You know, don't carry that with you. Yeah. I do now. I do now. Yeah. I mean,

obviously there's still something. Oh my God. It's traumatic. You know, it's trauma. Trauma sticks with you. Yeah. Doesn't matter how much you're over it. You know, when you relive it, you can relive those emotions and you can feel exactly how you felt in that moment. So, you know, don't ever apologize.

I'm learning right now how to feel emotion and let it pass. Same. And not become it. Yes. That's what I'm doing with my therapist because normally I fucking, I'll cut it off. Cut it off. I'm exactly like that TikTok where they say cut it off yeah literally like I will cut it off and my mom died last week you know sorry no it's okay and I'm sad and I'm laughing about it because it's just so if I don't laugh about it I'll cry about it and I'm trying like I said I'm trying to deal with it like how you are too my therapist i haven't had i haven't even had a chance to meet with my therapist yet but i know

when i do it's going to be a fucking waterfall of emotions you know feel it all so moving on from the rape what how's kelsey feeling now you're are you feeling empowered now that you have this group that is speaking up and you're going to therapy or are you feeling broken like how are you feeling broken okay i was pretty broken i was a very broken human around this time okay i ended up not doing well at iu i'm starting to get bad grades uh so i decided why do you think that was was it from oh i was just having a time in my life i was trying to i mean literally blinders you know what i mean like block everything out. So I was out and I was going, and that's what I do.

Like when I'm in a bad spot, I am out and I'm doing this and I'm doing that. And I'm over here, a number of there. So I don't have time to think about how broken I am. So I was making all these friends that I use and I'm out there and I'm hanging out and I'm doing that and I'm just partying. So my grades obviously suffered. I already wasn't good at school. Yeah.

I had to try really hard in school um so when I wasn't trying it was it was reflected so I had to make the choice to transfer or to drop out so I'm going to drop out of school or wasn't going to transfer to another one and try to do better so I ended up transferring and it's the only hello Hold on one second. Let me see what the, good Lord. What was that about? Oh, okay. So sorry. Okay. So you decided to transfer so that you weren't dropping out. Yes. And I went to IU and this is where another like really big defining moment happened. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know what I wanted to study. Nothing was really sticking and I didn't like anything. The one thing I knew I hated was psychology because of what was done to me as a

child. I hated it. I hated the entire science. I blamed the science. See, I was the opposite. I became fascinated by it and wanted to just this is my moment yeah yep i did the same thing and finally this was like that moment i was like you know what no i want to know everything about my mind so they no longer have control they can't tell me about me i'm gonna learn everything i can about the human mind and that's when i jumped and i was always good at psychology i just blamed it So when I stopped blaming it and I started to learn it and own it and take it, I was immediately given a job fair that fall because I was a psych major

and they were literally hiring on site and it was with kids with autism. And well, it was a direct support professional, but my first client happened to be a young man with autism and he became my best friend and he changed my entire life. I love that. He just needed social um and obviously i'm overly social but it was perfect pair right literally anytime i walked into a house usually parents were like there's no way this is gonna

work out this little preppy girl like my son's gonna rip her to shreds like every time or daughter i had one of those experiences where they were like, my daughter's going to beat her up. She can't be her therapist. But I found this new world. And it's funny because one of my best friends actually worked as a direct support in Bloomington when I went to IU. And I remember meeting one of her clients at the mall and I was like, I don't know how you do this. I could never do this. That's so hard. That seems so difficult.

Like, you're amazing. And then I kind of just stepped into it or whatever and i loved it and i ended up working with a paraplegic man too i was basically a nurse unregistered i did all of his catheter catheter i shouldn't have done it because i can't pronounce it all of his uh bottom stuff like bathroom stuff everything like to a point where my mom was like she basically wanted me to quit she She said this job was beneath me. Oh. And I was like, you just better hope that if something happens to you, you have, you are lucky you have a daughter who doesn't mind digging up in your butthole.

Right. So you don't shit yourself. I mean, but I don't think she saw how rewarding it was for you to be helping. She didn't. She didn't see that. And I mean, we just weren't close enough for her to either. And it's weird because I feel like anytime I did find a passion or a place, she demeaned it. And I don't know what that is still.

I don't know. Maybe because did your mom ever find her passion? No. There you go. Yep. She was jealous. She literally probably didn't like seeing you flourish because she didn't know how. Yep.

You know, so that was probably really hard for her to see you actually happy doing something when she's never found anything but yep her your stepdad you know I feel like throughout my life when I talk about these different things like nobody in my life would have been shocked if I failed that's how my life just was it was expected of me to fail so that's what they saw that's what they thought happened maybe subconsciously wanted wanted because then you guys would be in the same yep but that's why i'm like i try to tell people like my success means so much because i had to physically fight for every aspect of it because i was expected to fail yes ma'am starting out and so this is something you can't

take from me the success I've gained and I've gained it in so many different ways it's not just TikTok uh yeah no I can't wait to get into it yeah I want people to hear them for me was my my my biggest most rewarding passion I found you know I own a center still for kids with autism in Indiana started that um but I became a board certified behavior analyst like all that but during this i guess i'll get there we'll get there i was like whoa that's a lot well i did about to dial it back yeah sorry i know i keep jumping no you're good um it's easy you know i did my life story the other day and i even told mimi i was like we can't air that because i left out so much fucking shit yeah when you're literally talking about your life story especially if you've

lived full lives it's so hard yeah i fucking keep a timeline of everything that's fucking gone on. Keep going up and back. Yeah, exactly. But I swear it all comes together in the interview. Like you'll, you'll, whenever you see it, you'll be like, okay, great. I'm, I'm a big tangent person too. Cause I have that ADD aspect. That one's stuck. Definitely have that. I love it. I love it. So you found love and doing the autism stuff mom didn't agree with it right so I was in college at this time I was very fortunate because my mom did marry rich so like I didn't really have to worry my dad took my student loans my mom paid my like rent and that kind of stuff but like I was I needed to have money I knew that

very early on that I needed to be making my own money I needed to be setting myself up I needed to have money. I knew that very early on that I needed to be making my own money. I needed to be setting myself up. I needed to have all of this so I didn't have to rely on my mom. One thing she always did was hold money over my head. So it was like a long time with the medicine. I'm gonna get to the medicine when I stopped it. But she'd basically be like, if you don't take your medicine,

I'm gonna cut you off financially. Things like that. It's chemical abuse and it's manipulation. Now I know that. But like she would do those type of things um and so i worked through college i worked very hard through college i'd get up at 6 a.m and go work with the paraplegic man i'd do all of his stuff get him ready for the day 10 o'clock i'd be in school we went to ipy so my friend from ipy did you is that where you met

renee yep awesome um renee's sitting over here she's not on camera we go to school till i think the last class was 115 and then i would be up in fishers from three to six working with my client with autism and then on the weekends i did promotional model stuff um promo model look at you your model. I am a side model now. I love it. You are very beautiful. Oh, thank you.

I think they wanted me for my personality. I don't think, no, really. I don't think people realize how pretty you are though. Cause it doesn't come across. I mean, it does come across.

Oh, let me rephrase that. Okay. Cause listen, a lot of people come to me and they're like, Oh my God, you're so much prettier in person. I know.

And I hate when people say that to me, but I guess I'm saying it to you too. It's like, you're beautiful on Tik TOK, but in person too, you get to experience your energy. No people have said that my whole life. Yeah.

People will tell me I'm photogenic, but they see me in person. Came out the wrong way. So sorry. Nobody expected you to be pretty bitch wow sorry that's terrible I always say the camera makes me ugly I know especially this one you know you're so pretty facing camera right there look I look like a human thumb sometimes I open it up and I'm like where did that fucking third chin come from like it's just

it's brutal that camera is brutal. That camera is brutal. It is, right? It really is. That face in one. Forward facing. Oh, God, what were we talking about? Okay, so you were a model. You were doing the model.

Oh, the promo model. Yeah, so I mean, I was working. I was working very hard. It took me six years to graduate, but I did with a bachelor's. Does it normally take four? Yes. Okay, gotcha. She's like, I'm going to do this my way.

Yep, so give me a little bit of that. But I mean, once I moved to IUPUI, I had already missed three years, right? So I got to IUPUI, and I was around the year classes, summer classes. I was taking 18 to 20 credit hours every sitting. I was making the dean's list. So I was trying.

Like, when I try, I can do some wild shit. Just when you apply yourself. Yeah, I really graduated three years. Yeah okay we just the first didn't count first three didn't count right but when i graduated i remember being excited thinking my mom was gonna tell me she's proud of me because i was the first kid graduate i have two older sisters i was the first to graduate um and she said i mean congratulations but it took you six years i was like mom damn she's missing every chance i mean but that just did she graduate yes she did she did she has a bachelor my dad has a bachelor okay

but i had a bachelor's in psychology and a minor in africana studies so i overachieved yeah it just sounds like maybe she just um you know her trauma won't allow her to be happy for you. I think that had a lot to do with it. And again, that expectation of failure. And when I didn't, it was almost like she did because her expectation didn't come true. Right. Something weird. I don't know.

I still got to dive a little deeper. Jealousy. I don't think I want to dive into it. Boils down to jealousy. Yeah. But at this point, I applied to grad school and I had resumes out there I got my first job at an ABA clinic which is applied behavior analysis I went into the interview and I said I want your hardest kids like I've had this one who just needed social

skills and he's great but I watched his brother and his brother was non-verbal and he was extremely aggressive and he had all these other things. And I was so fascinated by him. I wanted to know everything going on in his mind. Because you could see there was so much up there. But I couldn't pull it out. And I was the only person that he never like came after except for one time. And that was my fault because I touched his CD and I knew better than that.

I knew not to move it. But I was trying to help him and I'm in a frantic state. No one was there to tell me what he needed. And I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me at the time i didn't work with over to this brother um and i but the moment i did i was like shit oh no and he wailed on me uh but that autistic kids um music is like their therapy they love yep and his cds were yes they were do not touch type of things um and, and so that was, it was eye opening, but it gave me a drive, this big drive. Like I wanted, I wanted kids like him. I wanted

to dive into that. So I went, he actually was put into the clinic, uh, that I got a job at. So I got to see him too, which tonight they wouldn't let me work with them because they were like family at this point. Like I'd go to their house for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't go home. I'd go hang out with my client's parents. They were my new family. But so I went there and they did. They gave me two of the harder cases. One of my first days on the job, the mom of the girl that was on my case now saw me

and her old therapist pointed at me. That's going to be, you know, her new therapist. And her mom goes yeah right no i'm little i'm little i'm really little uh and she's like my daughter's gonna be her up um this client stuck with me through different therapy clinics so she was 23 years old she was 12 when i started working with her um we were great that's amazing this is where i found my passion. I was like, I'm great at this.

I'm so good at this. Doctors came in my second day of work, and one asked my BCBA, how long has she been doing this? And she was like, it's her second day. And he was like, no, there's no way. There's no way. And he said to me, he goes, you communicate so naturally with them. And I was like, I talked to him like, they're anybody fucking else. Like, what do you mean? Like, to me, I was like I talked to him like they're anybody fucking else like what do you mean like to me that I was like that statement was I can't remember how he said

it the way he worded I was like yeah I treat him like anybody else what the hell you doing but like I just I just literally did I I talked to him and I hung out and I just like they were my friend I think your passion comes from being so like not heard and misunderstood as a child that you just wanted to hear these kids and, and help them and understand them in their own, you know, situation. So I think that's a lot. I loved every second of it.

I loved every second. Now I was a troublemaker still. So I would get, she's like, let's not forget. She's like, I was doing good shit, but also still a badass.

Great at what I did, but I couldn't help but run my mouth right so i got fired a couple times oh no well that's just your odd or whatever that damn odd fucking coming in acting up full circle acting up again but i would make really good connections like the people who actually cared in the field saw me they saw how great i was so like i remember I would get fired here I'd immediately be hired the next day over here I'd get fired here and this person used to work here now works here and she picked me up and I never did not have a job because I was great

I was great amazing work ethic ethic oh yeah I love working love working but people hate online when I like harp on this so I'm going to harp. I was exceptional. Get it through your heads, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not going to toot my horn all day because I know I was great. I know I made great change. Can we normalize self-love? Yeah. And talking about yourself like that.

I am so tired of people like, you need to tone it down. Like, no, motherfucker. I'm not toning it down. I was loud the other day and I was like, I can show you loud. Yeah. I love when people toot their own horns because, you know, we work fucking hard to get to where we are. And it's not like you fucking took the easy route. You know, you fucking went to fucking.

Oh, that reminds me this whole time I was being beaten. Oh, OK. Well, so, OK. So you went. Sorry. That's like, hey hey my mom died last week um yeah just fucking like hey by the way um okay so let's reel it back then so 21 21 that's when I transferred to IU okay first person I met was my now baby daddy okay gotcha I know a little bit about this story because I think that's where I related to you because I also was in a really fucked up relationship. Yeah.

So it started out fine, as they always do. It was on and off for like the first couple of years. But it always come back on. So I was like, it must be my person. The world keeps bringing a bit. It's passion. It's so passionate. That's what I blamed it on.

I was like the passion yeah it's just like i love the passion so like it was like it was more manipulative and emotional and mental abuse that first like two to three years um it did not get physical till year four wow 13 he kept his mask on a long time get his mask on a while wow um in the first physical was probably one of the worst um now i'm not saying i wasn't running my mouth right oh no i was healthy too running it i tell everybody that like but i was very toxic too yeah of course and i said that too i'm like sometimes it is two toxic people they're not meant to be together and that's okay like it doesn't mean if you move on you're gonna be toxic i talk about that all the time like i was able to move

on and not be toxic but i never learned hands on it yeah i did one i on the other hand did i was very aggressive i did when i was pregnant just because i was like he ain't gonna hit me bad yeah no he did uh oh fuck that's terrible brain didn't catch that trauma this is trauma laughs that's that's where people i'm like people think i'm so inappropriate but i'm like i have to laugh at this you have to laugh i had to laugh in it or i wouldn't have made it absolutely i would have been i wouldn't be here today if i didn't learn how to laugh at this shit. No, for sure.

But one of the first times, he had basically used this leg as a punching bag. And he, I mean, he beat it so hard. There were bruises from here all the way down past my knee. And it was black. Just the damn leg? Just this damn leg. Used it as a punching bag. So that you could hide the bruises.

You could hide the bruises. He woke up the next day just sobbing. Oh, poor pitiful him. They always cry. Poor pitiful him. You can't believe. He would hurt me like that. They always either cry or try to fuck you.

Yes. After they do it. It's the weirdest shit ever. It's mind fucking. Yeah. It's mind. So then I'm sitting there and I can't move and I have to console his ass. Yeah.

Because he's going to now kill himself because he did something terrible and he's so mad now i'm like no it's fine you know it's like it's sick it's sick no that was the worst um that was no that was the worst one that happened there was a few before but like that was like when it got like real physical abuse right there was one that i ended up in jail um because there were girls above the apartment and they could hear us fighting they called the police because they were worried about me i was a dumbass okay uh they'd come and they bust down the door and at this point he has me hiding in the bathroom they bust down the door so i was like well i'll walk out in front of you so if they shoot they shoot me dumbass i'm a dumbass she She's like, I'm going to be your rider. I'm your

rider. Die. Like that protective instinct for the worst people ever. I've done that before too. I walk out in front of them. They go around me. They grab him, throw him in handcuffs. And I'm like, what's going on? What are you doing? And so I go up to one of the cops. I was like, you have to tell me what you're doing. And I put my hands on his chest like that. Like, what is going on? What are you doing? Immediately, I get bombarded. Like a rhinoceros hit me from the woman cop into the wall. Oh, that was go time for her. She Heisman trophied my ass right into that wall.

Threw me into it. Threw me in handcuffs. And I was like, what is happening? Obviously, I can't shut up to save my goddamn life. So I'm like, this is illegal. Y'all are going to jail yeah like shut up there was a cop at one point in my face screaming shut the fuck up and i was like no she's like straight up handcuffed like i will not yeah though i won't be doing that

yeah i'm already this far and fucking deep so they arrest us both take us down to uh jail i was in he was in jail for 11 hours i was in for 13 they literally arrested and unarrested him that's illegal so they just let him go he didn't have a court date he didn't have nothing wow but i think it's because they really did enter illegally and it was his apartment so he could have had a counter i don't know something like that is what i heard right uh they're allowed to come in swoop the scene and leave that's not what they did right so then i think i don't know i could be wrong but i i saw a judge um and they pretty much put on me they tried to charge me with three things so it was because you touched the officer resisting arrest battery on a cop um and disorderly conduct.

So I ended up having to get a lawyer. $10,000 later, I was charged with disorderly conduct, and they dropped the other two. He got nothing. So he's still out here scot-free. I feel like they always have horseshoes up their ass. My abusive ex, literally, I would call cops. Cops would get called depending on where we were,

if we were outside or fucking somewhere they would come and he would talk himself out of being arrested. And I would have black eyes and fucking be strangled. And like, I'd get a fucking restraining order. He'd show up with the, you know, break the restraining order.

He'd still talk his way out of it. Like it was just fucking crazy to me. He got out of a lot in the first few years. Now this time, I mean, obviously I didn't say anything. I wasn't going to say anything. I was basically taught not to snitch.

Don't tell the cops anything. I also was conditioned to know that he's going to get out the next day. So if I say what happened, what's going to stop him from coming back? Right. Right. So I can not say what happened and he'd be the person to pick me up out of jail when I, you know what I mean? Like he's going to be there to console me.

I'm going to get that nice side of him again because I was a ride or die and I took the heat. I was like that in the beginning and then going into the third or fourth year of being beat, you get to a point where it's like, I'm either going to buy a fucking gun

and shoot you myself or I'm calling the fucking cops because I'm tired of getting fucking beat on yep you just get to a point where you literally just crack and you're like i don't want to fucking go through this anymore it took me way too long how long were you guys together eight years oh wow so it started about four years and again like i don't remember exactly what the first one was i thought it was the leg one but i don't think the leg one was it was in 2000 that was 2013 so it had to be fresh it had to yeah it had to be i think that's what really just fucked my mind did he ever punch

you in the face and stuff no wow it was always well no no he did but that comes with the baby the baby story okay my baby was there but it really wasn't a punch it was open-handed so i mean that's still your face yeah his hand so right so it wasn't like full fist into the face but it choked me punt or choked me and hit me like that and then it was like a hit like that but we'll get that because i was holding a baby now that was probably the worst worst for like it's what got me out but the leg one is what fucked me up because he had just cheated on me i confronted him he beats the shit out of me and then I have to get up the next day and go to work with kids with autism and I'm there and I know in that moment I'm not okay right

but I'm trying to push through it or whatever well at this point at this point I'm screaming for someone to hear me right but I don't know how to ask I don't have to say I'm not gonna be a burden to anyone so instead I start myself, start cutting myself and then sending him pictures of it. Are you still on medication? Oh, shit. Fucking medication. Oh, no. I got off of all of the meds. I think it was when I was 21, 22. So right when I moved to Indianapolis, I got myself off. I didn't take them for nine months. I kept buying them because my mom would send me the money and she would see if I didn't buy them.

Right. So I was buying them and just not taking them. And when I got to nine months, that's when I told my mom. I was like, listen, I haven't been on meds for nine months and I've never felt better. And I did. I didn't feel like a robot for once. I didn't feel sick. I felt like myself. Did you go through withdrawals or anything like that? No. No,

but I stayed on Concerta. Okay. So that's the ADD. I loved that shit. Yeah. Okay. I stayed on that until I had a baby. Does it just mellow you out or? It makes me use my brain. Oh, good. So it's like Adderall almost? Yeah. Yeah. So it was the only way I could get through college. Gotcha. I was like, yep, I do need that. yeah um they got that one right but the rest I I got off of um at that point she said I want you to see a doctor then I want you um well she wanted me to see her this very specific doctor that saw my youngest sister and I was like I'll see a doctor here I'm not coming home so I saw a doctor they undiagnosed me from everything except for generalized anxiety disorder and add um and so i tell her that and she's absolutely not no he's wrong you're fucked up you need to see this doctor and i'm just ignoring her at this point until this incident

right so when this happened and i'm cutting myself i also had the next spin on birth control that comes in later um cutting myself and i knew i didn't want to die right i just wanted attention right like i knew there was that was my next question like where were you cutting yourself right here it was all right here and i'd send him picture it's so like to talk about you're like what the fuck were you doing like hurting yourself in your right mind right you're going through stuff like that your emotions are all over the place especially in an abusive relationship because it's always a fucking roller coaster it's up and down one day you feel like you're so in love the next day you hate everybody you know

like it's just it's very unpredictable yep well i i knew when i started doing that that something wasn't right i needed help um and i could barely work with this going on. This also took six months to really break up and start healing. I think it was three or four months when it finally turned yellow. And then I could still see where it was for the next year and a half. Like where that yell, it like stained almost my skin. You know what I mean? Like still, and I don't know if it's like, you know, when you have a baby and the baby comes out, you can still feel the kicking called like phantom pregnancy or something. Phantom baby.

I've never had. I don't know if it was like that, like it was in my head, but I could still see it for a year and a half. That happened with my eyes. It took forever for under my eyes to heal because he had strangled me so bad. He burst every blood vessel in both of these eyes and was punching me in my face like a fucking grown man, dude. And it took, I'd want to say at least a year to not look like

i had fucking just dark circles under my eyes it was so bad so i don't think it was your mind i think it was there bruises yeah for sure i think it was there but yeah sometimes i i look back and i because you know you look back and you think like you know this story this is fucked up but i lived in it how did i live in it if it was this fucked up. But I lived in it. How did I live in it if it was this fucked up? Was the abuse constant? Now I'm like, am I crazy?

Was the abuse constant for eight years or was it like it was very touch and go? Yeah, it was a rollercoaster. It would basically be if I found out

he was talking to this other girl or this other girl or he was dating her or if this happened or if it, like it was situational most of the time and if I confronted him,

I would get beat up. Right. If any of my family or friends would say anything, i would get beat up right if any of my family or friends would say anything i'd get beat up right anything was brought and so that's why like me my mom would fight so i was like stop getting involved yeah my friends don't get involved because i was gonna go get beat up right i'm gonna get beat up so i'm like shut up i don't want to get beat up i'm gonna get beat up anyways um but yeah it was on and off but i also like i was in Indianapolis.

So I had my friends and I had great friends. I had an amazing support system. Like none of them left me. I know they judged me. Were you around during this time? She was one of my main like people who would have to come talk him off whatever ledge he was on or from hurting me. Like there's one time she had to meet him in a back alley.

I was like, God bless you oh my god jesus christ but she had to come one time because my dad's driving down frantically from kokomo because i'm literally barricaded in my family's from kokomo too yeah yeah it's crazy he was driving down from there because i barricaded myself in the apartment he's like outside banging on the door and she had to come down we lived in the same apartment complex she'd come down and help but i know like i i still have all of my same friends but like i wasn't invited to like couple stuff they hated them uh did you not like him you could talk you're allowed to talk it'll the microphones will pick up um what ah she's like no bitch don't put me on the spot just being involved in their relationship

and seeing that it's definitely a tragic situation um but i mean i can't say that i liked him yeah but you know he was right yeah for sure but he's not like like we talked about this earlier he's not an evil guy he's just not right in the head. Right. Yeah. Gotcha. Because I was like, I don't want to say, like, I can't bring myself to not say he's a bad guy. Right. But I also can't bring myself to be like, he's just bad. Like, because he isn't. Right.

It's weird. And I still know that. Like, he's great with kids. And it's got to be hard because you guys have a baby together. And he's good with her. Right. And so he has these qualities about him. He is charismatic.

He is, you know. Most narcissists are. They really are. You know, he's got to her. Right. And so he has these qualities about him. He is charismatic. He is. Most narcissists are. They really are. You know, I was at a, like, be nice and do all these things. But I was going to say, I thought he liked me. Yeah. I thought I was his favorite. I think you were.

Right. I thought I was his favorite friend of hers. But it turned out later. Oh, yeah. He hated me. Well, because she hated all of you. Well, because you protected her. Narcissists want to keep their victims isolated.

And so because you were always there for her. You weren't manipulated by neither. So in those moments where he would pretend you were the favorite, it's because you were being kind. You're like, yes, I get it. You understand, but you need to calm down. It's okay. Everything will be fine.

Like you were kind. Yeah. And so he thought he was getting to you and then when he realized he wasn't right maybe he didn't like that so when did you get pregnant how old were you i don't know how old were you how long in the relationship were you did you get um so it would have been year seven it was 2016 oh wow so towards the end yeah oh yeah i left the moment that child came out and she was affected. And that's, yeah, we'll get into that a little bit.

But yeah, I got pregnant in 2016 in July. And when I was six weeks pregnant, he like up and disappeared. He was just gone. He wouldn't answer his phone. That never happened. He went on a weekend vacay with a girl he had always cheated on me with. And I remember being on the phone with my mom being like what do i do and i don't know why i was called that's another fucked up thing like i always called my mom i didn't call my dad

but i called my mom um but you want that feminine energy when you're feeling vulnerable and emotional yep oh i had also just graduated grad school i think around this time too 2015 i graduated um i almost dropped out at one point because this was happening right i was getting beat that summer i think it's 2014 i almost dropped out i was getting beat and then cutting myself and then oh that's a big part of the story so i basically quit my job because i was like i can't work with these children yeah at that time i was like i'm not okay right i can't be a good therapist if I'm not a good person right now like I'm messed up um and so I quit my job and I moved north and to live with my mom for a few months um just to kind of regroup yeah and I I agreed to see her her doctor because I was like you're right something's

not right like I'm not okay like something's wrong with me oh she probably thought she was winning oh she loved it she was gloating now this summer was also the worst school wise because I took the hardest class possible in a summer session so I was drowning and during this time I remember I called my mom before I went home I called my mom and I was like I don't want to do I'm overwhelmed. This is so hard that I she was like, honey, just quit. Just drop out. Nobody thought you'd actually get this far anyway. So nice. What a sweetheart. She just knows what to say in the moment. Right. It's really consoling. Yeah. So motherly. The fuck is like, why would you say it? So I was like, have to prove her wrong. But then all is going on but you know that's good that she was motivation for you instead of you internalizing that you were like all right watch this bitch right yeah so it was that same summer i ended up moving home i stayed in this room like her guest room um i mean for 12 hours a day studying that's all i had at that point i stayed in school i quit my job i was just there seeing a psychiatrist twice a week i didn't want to speak to anyone.

I was so fucked mentally. I just sat in there and I studied. Aced that class, by the way. Straight ace student that semester. But I was seeing the psychiatrist twice a week. And I remember going to him and there'd be something new every single time. And he's like, you're not supposed to live like this. It shouldn't be a new crazy life-changing event every two days.

Like what is happening? And I remember him being like, you shouldn't be a new crazy life-changing event every two days like what what is happening and i remember him being like you shouldn't have gas in your car he was like you should have ran out of gas should have blown a gasket like what you're dealing with isn't normal these aren't normal things you're living in the state of flight or fight for how long i don't know but he was like that's your brain's safety measure it's supposed to save you in a situation not living right he was like you should have been burnt out so long ago you should have like just collapsed forever like he used the car analogy i can't just running on fumes yeah and he was like this is not normal and so then we're talking about my mom we're talking about you know my baby daddy i'm

not yet my boyfriend right not boyfriend i'm with my girl this time and that's when he hit me with the have you ever thought if you just remove these people or like before you diagnose yourself that's it before you diagnose stuff crazy remove these people and see if they're just crazy and i'm gonna be like you just call my mom crazy she is not gonna like that i'm telling mom. Well, that's great. So I mean, he was amazing. I loved him. Yeah, he sounds like one of the good ones because there's a lot of bad ones out there. Well, he ended up agreeing with the, you know,

a slight case of generalized anxiety, more on a situational anxiety side. And he was like, honestly, you could have the ADD meds or not. That's up to you. But he's like, that's all I'm prescribing you. And my mom hated those meds, by the way. She thought I was going to become a drug addict because I took, like, it's another form of Adderall. So that was going to make me a drug addict.

But she wanted you on everything else. Right. And so we tell her, you know, he's like, she doesn't need anything. She has anxiety and she should. With everything she's been through, what she's going through, I'm going to prescribe her Concerta. tell her you know he's like she doesn't need anything she has anxiety and she should with everything she's been through what she's going through i'm going to prescribe her concerta my mom flipped shit wouldn't let me go back said she refused to pay for sessions if i went back like it was like a hundred dollars a session so she said she wouldn't pay for them she didn't

agree that i was like that was your doctor yeah that was you so i ended up packing my bags and moving back to indy of course getting back with the boyfriend the big daddy um and living again through hell multiple abuse situations the next uh two years sure it was emotional and physical as well emotional and i always say the emotional and mental are way worse mentally yes they'll fuck you up so bad and And I was already a broken person. And so it was easy for him to take me where I was. You know what I mean? Yeah, they love that.

They prefer it. Yes. Yeah, because that's when your energy is low and they can just swoop in. Yep. And if you don't love yourself, and that's what I tell people all the time, I'm like, you teach people how to treat you. Yeah. I didn't treat myself well. I say that all the time.

Yeah. I didn't love myself. So it was easy for them not to either yeah and use me and get what they needed from me and then just dispose of me or whatever the case may be um but yeah so that went on I got pregnant he did that at six weeks I ended up of course taking him back like so what happened at six weeks he was up on a freaking trip with another gotcha okay so I was calling my mom and I was like, and I remember asking like, should I, should I go through with this?

Six weeks, I can go get an abortion right now. And she was like, I'm, you know, that's up. This first time she didn't say something stupid. She was like, you know, that's up to you. It has to be a choice you make. And I was like, okay. Thanks for being a mom for once. I was waiting for the yes, honey.

Yeah. Don't ruin your life. Don't ruin your life don't ruin your life yes we expect you to do this we knew this would happen at least yeah maybe twice something yeah but like in that mind like my mindset at that point i was like i'm fine i can be a parent i'm a good person i'm financially fine i can take care of a child. I'm great with children. So with or without him, I can do this. So I'm going to. Do you think also that what the psychiatrist said to you was kind of resonating? Yes. Yeah. Yep. And the pregnancy was helping. So I do believe I was insane at one point in my life. Right. But the pregnancy like hit me and it like they say this,

I've read studies after, cause I was fascinated by this, but like, cause for the first time in my life, I felt sane. I had never felt calm. It's hormonal. And there's a lot of, Mimi went through that when she was pregnant, she had a boy and a girl and they were both completely different pregnancies. And like your body gets certain nutrients and certain hormones that hit it with the pregnancy that you have been depleted by. Yeah. and like your body gets certain nutrients and certain hormones that hit it with the pregnancy

that you have been depleted by yeah you know it says it can literally like change the chemicals in your brain yeah and so i remember like looking at i think it was jabril that i started crying to and i was like what happens if the baby comes out i'm crazy again i was terrified but i was saying like i was starting to see things without that veil over it right like i could actually see what was happening to me and i don't think i ever like saw it clearly it's an awakening and then at five months he cheated on me again and i remember sitting outside at this point i own a center for kids with autism so when i got pregnant i was like i gotta do some shit because he ain't gonna help right so a center i was working for was shutting down so I started applying all the insurance contracts

and doing what I need to do to take over this center and make it my own um so I ended up opening this center all the clients waited for me like there was some that it took like an extra month and they just didn't have services and they waited to come to me um and I still still up and running yes very cool um so I never I never I don't know your story so all of this is new to me yes that's my favorite part of my story

yeah that's a big deal to me that is that's really cool I own a company now like I'm a CEO shove that in your face mom

a CEO I love that I'm so excited it was a great time but then you know this is happening but

I feel like girls like us who have grown up in chaos that's just par for the course you're literally one part of your life is falling the fuck apart and the other one is just fucking skyrocketing absolutely and i'm a scorpio rising so that's just the story of my life there you go down in it rise and fall um but i remember sitting outside my clinic at this point and, you know, he's on the phone and I'm like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to teach my daughter that this is okay. And I remember these words. He said, I can't wait till your daughter grows up

and I can tell her one of a cunt. I can tell her what a cunt her mother is. And I remember just sitting there thinking, I'm like, he would probably do that too. I'm going to tell my baby I'm a cunt. And I'm like, and I just, in that moment, I was like, I knew right then. I remembered what happened to you when your parents word vomited. And I remember the things my dad said. I remember all the things yeah and so i was like it just stopped me and i also had this overwhelming feeling and i always

talk about it's like a euphoric experience in this moment because i knew right then finally i was like i don't like this person some very deep broken part of me still loves him of course like him you can love somebody and not like them. Right. Liking somebody is a huge fucking deal. That's hard to do. I don't like most humans. No, I'm the same way. I tell my husband all the time. I'm like, I like you and you're lucky. You're lucky. I don't mind that too. I'm like, I want you here. That's weird. Yeah. I want you, don't need you. Yep. But in that moment, I knew it was my my my mind was preparing my heart for what had to happen eventually um so we at this point my mom's driving down because he was on a lease we were moving into a house he was on that lease and so I needed him off the lease so she's driving down to try to get him off the lease luckily we did it was a fight but we did got him off the lease I move in and I

let his dumb ass move in at seven months. Oh, no. Kelsey. But I felt nothing. It was weird. In my mind, I was scared. It's almost like you needed to finalize it. Yes. And I was scared. Like I was about to be a mom.

I was like, I don't want to do this alone. I don't know how to do this. I've never done this. I can't do this alone. I'm scared. So that's why I let him back because I didn't want to do it alone. I was just scared. At eight months, he choked me really bad.

Well, first of all all he was downtown wasted um he needed me to come pick him up at like 2 3 a.m i go to pick him up he's wait i mean i watched him face plant i laughed but i get him in the car and at this point he has called me the girl's name that he has been cheating on me with for like four years he was calling me her name 30 some times i think i counted 32 times he called me her name. Oh my God. I would have fucking just wham. But I'm like, I'm pregnant and I'm sane for once.

So I'm watching this. She's like, I'm reveling in my saneness. I'm going to enjoy this moment right now. So I'm like, I'm just going to drive. So I'm driving. I have to get gas. And I put the gas tank in. I go back to sit in the car and he grabs me up by my throat and he

just pins me there. And I just remember thinking, don't move. Don't move. He'll eventually let go. Don't do anything. Stay very still. Otherwise you could hurt the baby. So I just sat there like in this frozen state until he drunkenly let go and passed out. So then I drive home. I literally had to carry him up the stairs. I'm eight months pregnant. Carried this man up the fucking stairs. I did beat him with a pillow that stairs. I'm eight months pregnant. Carried this man up the fucking stairs. I did beat him with a pillow that night. He was so drunk he didn't know. Wait, did you really?

I did. I took so many licks. Oh, but he was so gone. Didn't wake up or anything? Yeah, I don't even know if he felt it, but it felt great. I had to put fucking soap bars in it. Right. Done it penitentiary style.

Go back. Yeah. It happened to you at the bar when you face planted, baby. Yeah, I don't know. You were drunk. Wow. I don't know why you're missing teeth. Go back. Yeah. It happened to you at the bar when you face planted, baby. Yeah. I don't know. We're drunk. Wow.

I don't know why you're missing teeth. I have no idea. Do better. Less drinking. Well, then at nine months, I remember I'm nine months pregnant and I get sent a Facebook message. I messenger from a guy and he says, Hey,

did your baby daddy come home last night and i said no i knew he didn't i was like what'd he do and he was like he sent me all these pictures and he was like i walked into my baby mama's house and he was naked in bed with her and their two-year-old was there oh come on okay um he sends me he's like i'm so sorry to do this i know you're very pregnant and i go him fucking all i know right oh yeah it's like go ahead oh yeah send me all the pictures everything so i couldn't deny it or anything but i didn't even want to i knew he probably did something stupid but i remember feeling nothing yeah i was so numb to it i was like oh looks like you had a good night yeah it's like when you can start laughing at things like that. Right. That's what I started to do. I started laughing. Came home and I was like, looks like you had a good night.

And he loses it, but not on me. Because I'm just sitting there like, I'm not fighting him. So he starts getting mad about the guy. He broke guy code. What type of bitch does this? I'm going to find him and I'm going to fuck him up. It's like, you don't fight men, you fight women. But all right. Yeah. Like, no, gonna him up it's like you don't fight men you fight women but all right yeah uh like no you won't no you won't but so he's messaging him now and i'm just like i'm just staying out of it i don't really give a i hope you had a great night

like i felt nothing and then the pregnancy came gray rock theory too that's why he didn't abuse you yeah because they say to do that with narcissists it's just kind of show no emotion because they don't know what to play out of. I was like, it's fine. Fuck, she's not mad. Fuck, she's not sad. I just kept saying, I'm glad you're getting it out of your system. Yeah. I'm really getting a shit.

Yeah. But he was great at the labor. Good. We had a good solid three days. Good. Where my dumb ass for one second thought, wow, maybe it's going to be different. Yeah. Maybe he's going gonna change for this

baby yeah uh he had to go work a nine to five and that was just way too difficult for him he was very upset about that so he'd come home every day throwing a fucking fit i asked him to pay 500 my my rent at the time was uh 1350 i think or it might have been 1295 it went up every year so i don't know around there but i was like just pay me five hundred dollars like because i was blowing through my savings i was on maternity leave so i'm blowing through my savings i'm just five hundred a month to help that was a lot to ask guys it was a lot to ask uh but i remember one day kim coming home and i'm like rocking and breastfeeding her and he came home with 250 bucks and he just threw it in my face and i remember watching the dollar

bill hit her face and I was I moved it obviously but I'm just staring I was like money's so dirty money's so and all I remember thinking it was so weird because it was almost like a fogged state of mind that I didn't even do anything I didn't say anything I moved the money off her face I just kept looking I was like money is dirty you just put that on your kid. Money is filthy. And I just kept saying that. I'm like, money is so filthy. I don't remember why. You were cracked.

It's like a crack in the matrix. Yeah. It was the final straw of just like. Oh, there was one more final. Really? Well, I wasn't doing anything. I didn't care about him. Yeah.

But yeah, it was like, it was. It was like the weirdest. I don't even know how to explain it. I just remember being like, money is so dirty. So dirty. And then it was really the weirdest i don't even know how to explain it i just remember being like money's so dirty so dirty and then it was really soon after that she was eight weeks old and he i was she slept with me um i was breastfeeding at this point it's like 7 a.m and he gets up and he starts blaring music in my bedroom first of all I pay for it yeah my bedroom blaring music I'm laying there with this infant uh blaring music and trying to work out in the bedroom and I was like bro any other room I had at this point a four bedroom house with a workout room damn near in a garage

all all kinds of places to go yeah uh why are you in my space? He was like, I need the mirror. And I was like, I'm narcissistic. There's mirrors all over this house, baby. Go find another one. Like, the fuck? And then he was like, I need this bench. And I was like, that bench weighs five pounds. Pick it up.

Get your workout in and get the fuck out. Yeah. And he's just, now he's screaming. Oh, well, why don't you just take her and go lay on the couch? Go lay on the, I'm like, you want me to move a sleeping baby? At this point, I think she had just finished eating. I'm like, you want me to move a sleeping baby

to go lay on the couch and work out in this room? Like, go somewhere else, bro. That's where I'm getting annoyed. I'm like, just go fucking somewhere else. And then he was like,

well, maybe if you got your fat, lazy whale ass up, you wouldn't look the way you look and start going in. And I was like, okay. Okay.

And then I was told to shut the fuck up and I was like, fine. So I just laid there and he is screaming all these horrible things at me and I'm just looking at her

because I'm like, if I remain focused on her, I don't need to fight him. I'm just going to focus on her. He'll eventually calm down and leave. Well, he did not. He takes my fan, throws it across the room

and then he's like, so you're just going to fucking ignore me? I was like, you told me to shut the fuck up. Remember? My mouth. So he immediately comes over and that's when he grabs. Stay tuned to next week's episode to see what happens in part two of Dumb Blonde Podcast.

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