Dumb Blonde - Ria and Amber: Twin Flames

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

It's a beautiful episode this week as Bunnie welcomes social media's power couple, Ria and Amber. These two twin flames talk about meeting and recognizing one another's soul after a lifetime of individual growth, struggle, and learning how to turn pain into power. They talk about challenging times in each of their upbringing, what makes their relationship so special, and how learned to be confident and authentic about their sexuality.  Ria Demiri  Amber Demiri  Watch Full Episodes & More: www.dumbblondeunrated.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Get those dollar bills ready. She's got an ass that shakes like Michael J. Fox so get up there and throw throw throw them dollars dude that is fucking iconic what's up you sexy motherfuckers welcome to another episode of dumb blonde today i have i believe one of tiktok's cutest couples i think you guys are just so fucking adorable i love what you guys represent and i love what you do Rhea and Amber Demary did I say it right yes you said it perfect yay for me yay for me what's up guys what are you guys doing out here well nothing yet but we haven't we haven't left our room we slept all day yesterday you guys had some trying to get you guys here was crazy remember when we were looking at the flights I was like holy fuck like it's because we live in connecticut and connecticut doesn't have much options to leave like there's

they make it really hard yeah you have to get on like two different flights to get anywhere yeah it's crazy and then new york is like two two hours from us so it's like pointless to get a ride to go there to get one flight so it's might as well just get on two planes yeah we didn't like i saw that when i was trying to book you guys the flights and amber i was just like you know what why don't you guys book your flights yes tell me yeah you guys are coming in i know you're like 6 a.m are you like what's wrong with she's like that's okay she travels every month i do so i'm used to it that's every month she travels like that once a month to see the kids and then i'm up at 3 a.m and every time i can't my team knows i'm not getting up i'm not getting to the airport before fucking 12 p.m.

I mean, I would rather not. But I'm just a walking zombie at this point. I can't. I can't do it. There's nothing in my DNA that says you can get up at fucking 6 a.m. I agree. She knows her worth. That's all that matters.

I'm with that. Well, I'm so happy to hear you guys' story. I want to start with Rhea. And then we're going to just kind of like intertwine and, you know where it goes from here. But Rhea where did you grow up? Are you from Connecticut? I was born in Macedonia. Okay. My parents when I was two years old my parents decided to move up to the United States. We had like a visa so that eventually expired after like 10 years. So we came here. I was I was two years old. I grew up in a very, like, strict household. My parents being Muslim and we're Albanian, you know, the two very, like, between the culture and the religion, it was rough.

Especially being a woman in our culture. Yeah. It's like one of those cultures that are, like, you know, your whole purpose is to serve your husband, their family, and you're basically their servant. So that's one of, that was really rough. their family and you're basically their servant. So that's one of, that was really rough. And you were basically, as soon as you, you know, you remember, all I remember is like my parents talking to me like, you know, or mostly my mom,

like you have to learn this because your husband's gonna want this from you. Yeah, starting at like childhood, like eight years old. Like very young. Like you have to learn how to clean because your husband's not gonna like this. You know what I like all it was always like that was never i could never be a kid right you know it was very very rough so that i lived in one of those households and then obviously like you can't even marry outside of the culture you had to marry in the culture there was

no out like different races like had to be strictly alian. So they just from the womb were like, look, you were born to pretty much serve a man. Your life was already chosen for you. That's pretty much it. Right. Like, you had no, they picked everything for you. Like, your personality, everything. You had nothing for yourself. So I never knew my identity, really.

Right. In my heart, yeah, as a child. I mean, I knew I liked girls when I was five years old. i had crushes on in kindergarten you know what i mean i'm like but i knew that wasn't like normal because we didn't talk about that no one said anything about it especially back then you know yeah that was how old are you me i'm 35 now okay okay so yeah like that we're like in the same age group a little bit yeah i'm 42 i'm older but you do not look 42 i love you guys not at all wake up next to me and just give me fucking compliments all day i'll love it as long as you give them back i'm okay holy shit but yeah no for sure back in the day back in that and you know in in that era it's so weird to even say that is our parents were

you know they were brought up that way too so they inflicted their childhood trauma onto us and it was just you know just isn't that the given to us to carry on yeah like the fear mongering of like uh religion and like going to hell if you did anything bad you know it's like we were scared yeah religious trauma yeah I didn't know what to do like I basically live inside of my head that's all I knew how to do is live life inside of my head it was all like fake obviously like I created my own reality in my own head yeah because you're in fear to even speak yeah yeah yeah absolutely so and I yeah I grew up in a very also very like abusive household my dad was very abusive to my mom he always put his hands on

my mom he was always drunk you know money was a a fear in my house too because my dad was always spending money and my mom always like you know with the bills being paid like that was a huge thing and that was one of my traumas I had to work on was like fear of losing money like and when you when you had I had a money hoarder yeah she was I am still really I'm still working on that like yeah I'm helping her through that for sure I'm still working on that so no it's hard it's hard when you I remember my parents having an argument they argued all the fucking time about money and one argument it was about getting me closed for school and I remember I looked at my dad at like 12 years old and I was like I can't wait to leave home so that you don't have to take care of me anymore like that really they don't realize that them arguing

about money in front of kids is fucking us up you know so now that i'm fucking make hella money i'm like so like scared to spend it because it's like you know what it's like to live in that fucking chaos of not having it yeah of not having it but also it's kind of being held over your head their heads and like you being made to feel bad like it's a up thing oh yeah we have conversations about it very often and yeah it's a struggle like we we show you know we show ourselves on camera all the time yeah and this happy stuff and like but then the outside like i would like to show my ourselves the healing part of it because it's very like like yes we're smiling on camera but there is like us

um we cry struggle we argue we we do go through these things that we need to heal together like she has her healing i have my healing you know and but it all stems from trial all of it all of it we're healing our own stuff together and we love each other through it and we take accountability that's the thing is like people think that like oh it's you know it might be toxic it's not toxic if you take accountability and you work through it together and you heal together it's really not no that's what my husband and i did we went through so much fucking shit when we first got together but i'm so thankful because his trauma and my trauma somehow came to a head with each other and we just both healed each other and worked through each other i think that that would be good for you guys to show that part of you guys you know whenever like

do you guys have a youtube channel for anything like that we plan on it we started a youtube channel but this one please asshole forgot the password and the email so we have to start a new one okay it's not gonna be that hard i think you guys could probably like email youtube and get that maybe i don't know I'm not I'm not too worried about it she's like whatever about it and I'm like I don't want to start over but yeah like we would like to be more on YouTube like showing these type of things yeah I feel like on TikTok you can do it but it's like such a timed yes that's the thing you know like you have to get fucking I guess now we can do like 10 minutes but which I do on my backup account I fucking talk to

everybody in my backup account I know I'm like you know what skip if you don't want to see it if you do fucking hang in there but it's just so hard to like cry on command and then you know if I can have a have a beginning a middle and an end in 10 minutes it's like really hard to do that that's actually how I started out was vlogging so I did YouTube and that's where I got my following plus I was in webcam so that's where I got my two followings from and then you know Instagram and Facebook and all that shit and then fucking TikTok came along but YouTube is a great platform to for people to really get to like know the inside of your family yeah I feel like that as well we do that online but TikTok's not the place for it yeah when we're on live we get very open and raw

yeah I love that yeah so Amber where did you grow up well i was born in florida we moved to new york actually and then um to minnesota minnesota i was just there i'm very sorry i was laughing so hard at that tick tock bro i was like i feel you i feel you i get depressed we get pneumonia every time we oh my god i thought i was gonna get it no really i was exaggerating the cold depresses me i'm not joking it's depressing when you can't see the sky there's something you feel like so claustrophobic I thought I was gonna get it no really I was exaggerating the cold depresses me I'm not it's depressing when you can't see the sky there's something you feel like so claustrophobic and like caged in literally we were depressed yeah no it is depressed I can't even leave the house yeah you can't do anything I don't know how people live there I that's why I left yeah

so how long were you in Minnesota I was in Minnesota for like 23 years oh wow bitch you are a lifer very depressing lifetime well my dad so my dad was in prison okay in New York and my mom was like well let's like get away from him let's rewind okay so so about that yeah yeah so you were born in Florida mom and dad were together then or um no okay he was from New York I think she went down to live with her mom in in Florida and had me there then came back up to New York okay so was dad in prison when you were born no okay what did he in and out drugs you know theft he was like a hit man at one point like my dad was deep in to crime and you know my mom I think she loved that badass like we all love criminals i don't know why but you know that

was each their own i prefer felons i married one so no judgment no no we love jelly rolls yeah daddy um okay so you your dad was in prison and then your mom took you to minnesota so your dad was was your dad just in and out of your life did you have a relationship with him at that time yeah he lived with us he's just getting out of prison all the time okay so you got to see this firsthand as a child oh yeah the my mom and him would fight to the point you know he broke her nose blood I can I can remember all of like the trauma even six years and under I can it still flashes back often um so she put us on a greyhound just my sister and her with the clothes on our backs and we came to minnesota i can remember it she still didn't really get away from it right didn't he well my mom i think she told him she was she had a trauma bond with him it was a toxic

relationship very toxic so she ended up telling him where we were and he followed us back to Minnesota so and he she grew up in like foster care systems because her mom and couldn't let go of that relationship well it was around like eighth grade he um it got so bad in the home that I was like I wasn't even getting showered at home I wasn't eating I wasn't and people were noticing at school and like bullying me for it so I remember like I was in a stall at school one day and I was like how would you feel if you went home and didn't you know your parents were literally killing each other and had you had nothing to eat and they were like oh I had no clue like I'm so sorry and then told the principal and from there

I went into foster care no how are you feeling as a child? Was your sister with you? No, she also was in and out of foster cares as well. She already had had a baby. She had said 15. She got pregnant. So I was home. I was I literally raised myself. They were never there. I was like this wanderer of a child.

That's got to be so hurtful. You know, at this point, I don't feel the hurt any longer because we've gone through like the spiritual awakening kind of journey thing to where i'm like we get it i get it right like i get i can turn that pain into power i get why it happened and it's like now i have this wisdom and no one can ever judge a book by its cover like i can now share my stories and i can help people in the same situation and be like bro this is not you're not a victim. This isn't the end. You know? Yeah.

Nope. If anybody agrees with that, it's me. Yeah. That's our main thing is we tell people you don't, you know, you don't have to be a victim to your trauma. You're not your trauma. You can get out of it. You know what I mean?

Break those generational curses. Absolutely. And I say, like, victim sounds like, you know, when you say victim, it's like you die to, you die, right? You die to it. You die to it. You're living. You're living. Don't allow it to hold you back to live you know i mean you still thrive you can heal and become stronger make yourself proud yeah amen i love it there love it it literally is prison yeah getting stuck there it's a mental hell yeah people

living in your own hell yeah when you give yourself that victim title it's just a loop that you put yourself on to just feel the abuse over and over and over like a dopamine hit right yeah exactly so it's just like you know if you want to break out of that you have to do something different and not do well and not feel sorry for yourself yeah you got to be uncomfortable healing is fucking very i'm telling you ugly i was such a fucked up person before and this i was on social media i didn't meet her yet so whatever i got popular on social media yeah i followed you first yeah and then i remember when she came on i was like hell yeah baby i was excited i was like everyone pushed her you're the only one that was excited believe me because really i was

waiting for you guys dude i love it i was excited we had some supporters that were rooting us some but like she was like in my face like i knew if i let her in and she was one of those people that like that she would be the one and i knew in my soul but i was in my victim mentality too and i was like i was such a i was just i knew i was i felt broken well let's rewind real quick so we left off where you were you know living in this household with religious trauma being groomed yeah to serve a man which I feel like all little girls were all groomed in some sense I mean yours definitely probably more because of the religion and stuff like that but even you know American girls that's what we're taught is

you know you get up and you serve your husband and you know unless you have a fucking crazy mom you know like me who's like no we don't need no man yeah but you know yeah back then we're like you know you fucking serve your man whatever when when did you start realize it was so you said at five you started realizing that you liked girls yeah like take me on that journey too i was just quiet about it i never said a word I I always played with the boys I always like wanted to just hang the boys were just the ones I wanted to hang out with because I was a tomboy so I never related to girly girls I never wanted to play barbies I never wanted to play house I didn't give a shit so I just wanted to just play sports with the boys and my parent my mom took it as like I was interested in boys at that time

and I remember I would if she ever saw me with with a hanging out with the boys I would get like sometimes beaten for it or put in in a room and sometimes I wasn't allowed to go outside anymore like it was bad so I remember keeping that a secret for a long time the i didn't come out to my mom to my mom until like i my second divorce where i had enough wow i think they knew she was gay i think they didn't know because she she would take me to like imams like they're like priests yeah in trying to pray the gay away in the muslim religion they're priests and i never knew what the hell she was doing she said that like i was cursed or something like you want to take bad juju from me you know make make me better right i was like okay so like i would always end up these places with her and i never knew why but i she

admitted like she admitted she married me off to my first husband how old were you when she did that i was i was a senior in high school i i wasn't i was about to be 18 so you they had a man picked out for you already they did because my how old it's like he was 23 i think 23 or 24 i'm not sure tell her how i was at uh we so my cousins it was arranged my cousins knew somebody and they just told my mom about it oh he's a good guy great family yada yada and they showed me a picture and my I told my mom I was like absolutely not I was like hell no you know I'm like that's absolutely not even just the guy he was definitely not my type either yeah it's like you obviously you're like still in high

school yeah not even processing like hey I'm gonna go be a wife no I can have kids and like you're supposed to be wanting to go off to college and yeah i didn't get to i didn't even get to process that first of all being gay and then being shown this guy you're like yeah and i was like hell no did you have girlfriends through high school i did yeah so people in high school had ideas that i had i was interested but i didn't really get my parents weren't involved in my school stuff you know how parents get involved with and no parents about like yeah my parents weren't involved in my school stuff you know how parents get involved with and no parents about like yeah my parents never got involved with anything they were always working

so i never they never have kind of like a different life at school yeah but her sister knew about it my sister did she was always supportive no yeah um so where was it so then you met him at mcdonald's yeah no i did not what the hell where was it applebee's you met him at McDonald's. Yeah. No, I did not meet him at McDonald's. What the hell? No, no, you didn't. Where was it? Applebee's. No, let me, before, but before that, I said no, and my father came downstairs, and I remember he said, you're going to go, and he threatened me. He pretty much was like, I'm going to beat your ass. You're going.

You have no choice. Until this day, he'll tell you he had no involvement in that, but he absolutely had involvement in it. Don't you love how our parents gaslight us? No, they always gaslight us. Like a motherfucker. Always. And we're, me and my dad are beefing right now because he's trying to tell me my childhood

wasn't real. Oh yeah. And I'm like, you were on my podcast saying it was. Yeah. I think we're on the same page. Yep. Cutting our parents off right now. Oh yeah.

No. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. So I met the, I went to Applebee's and there's like 30 people there, his family members, my family members. And I'm just sitting there like, I don't want want to be on applebee's apple fucking bees do you ever

eat there now no i don't i don't want to ever see apple fuck applebee's for real just sitting there and i'm like all right well this will be over soon i'll just go home and do my thing again and then i end up home i'm like i'm I didn't eat apples there's 30,000 people staring at me so I didn't even eat well and I went to McDonald's I'm like I was hungry when we got home I went I came back from McDonald's my mom's like congratulations you're engaged and I'm like god that's so weird what a different way of life yeah so it was like that and then I was like engaged for like a year to this guy that I knew for like 20 minutes I literally had no idea who this guy was or who as a person at all during that year did you guys like go on dates or did I mean I just

went with it I was not a very I tried to pretend as much as I could you can only pretend so much like it was very hard for me to like show any affection or well you gravitate to somebody i didn't want yeah you know and i'm not i also felt bad for him because it was unfair to him i felt horrible for things that i didn't create was his parents part um his parents arranging his stuff too well he made out like i mean i'm not trying to be a dick about it but like i ended up being the better looking of the two right you know like i really got the shit under the stick in that situation and by any means i'm not a shallow person but if i was gonna marry a guy like girl it's just yeah i shouldn't get to shoot you know like i

didn't and he was shorter than me and not not hating on that either but like it was very hard for me to connect at all to yeah there's just there's so much trauma i tried grasping onto anything eyelashes like i really like anything and i tried his humor i guess his humor even to the stage she says this he was really he was funny so she does try to take something nice out of it he was and he was honestly straight up nice guy i never i never and i wouldn't even with my other ex like both of them they're they're genuine good guys we'll get to the next so how long were you married to him i was married three years to him so and i got out of that situation because my cousin was married to his brother she's my first

cousin and she ended up leaving that situation not even a year married because he was abusive and mixing family like that in our culture is not good because once you get divorced there's no talking like it's done and i was mixed like that was my aunt's daughter so i was like i'm not gonna lose my family and not talk to my cousins or anybody because of somebody i don't love anyway that was her way out yeah and i was like that was my way out and i i got out of that my parents are okay with me leaving that situation because it was messy were you a virgin when you married him not with men yes that way yeah with men yes 100 but not with women no okay gotcha because you had girlfriends in high school what how traumatic is that though to have to be made

to sleep with a man i have sexual trauma we're still healing through that i still have sex to this day i feel like people don't talk about that enough. You know, like that is just, first of all, you're giving your body to somebody that you're a species. You're not even attracted to. I mean, I can't stand men as it is, but I married one, you know, but to be forced to be with somebody that you're one, not physically attracted to two, there's no connection whatsoever. That's how are you feeling that night? Oh, I was scared. I was scared. I didn't even know what to do. Honestly, I was scared. It was dark. I know the lights were I wanted the lights off. I never wanted them on. Yeah. It was quick. I know that. I mean, I didn't lose my virginity right away because he was very much like new to it as well new he's like he's like you know yeah

he he ejaculated before he even went in you know it's like one of those things so it's like you're both new to it i was like okay and then that was over and and obviously repeated until dramatic but it was never long and which was nice but i never wanted anything she's trying to sugarcoat it like i don't it's just her way i understand her coping yeah i mean i never wanted him to touch me in areas right i was always like no no no i was uncomfortable yeah and he was okay with it he didn't fight but he also started becoming insecure because did you do you think he was catching on to the fact that maybe you oh yeah somebody outed people in high school somebody that knew that i was married to him which is fucked up outing people is the most fucked up thing yeah because

no one knows no fair someone's life because there's a reason i didn't come out yeah there's a reason someone doesn't come out yeah they don't feel safe and for you to out somebody and say oh yeah but she was especially in your culture they could be like jeopardizing yeah i mean i got threatened my whole life my dad would describe to me and my siblings what he would do to us if we ever straight off path. And he would leave. He'd be like, I'm going to go back to Macedonia and they'll never catch me. Like, that's traumatizing. Yeah, absolutely.

So it took a lot for me to be where I'm at today and speak on things and be myself. But that sexual trauma, it's still something that we even struggle with yeah like getting her to like even enjoy her body or like to not disassociate yeah you know sometimes i do disassociate accidentally well it's your brain yeah it's my it's not you have no control over it your brain is just going to shut off automatically my hand does that too with certain things. We've been doing like tantric meditations and like trying to heal her chakras.

And it's helping. It actually is doing a lot of help. Well, acknowledging you need to heal. That's the problem. Healing is long. It's dirty. It's messy. You have to reopen those wounds

so that they can literally close back up, heal, scar exactly and then disappear and it takes a fucking long time dude the last thing is like when we first got together like i she had a psychic tell her that i was gonna open her pandora box and it was like all the shit she'd been hiding for so long from the world i was gonna make her face it i didn't even know what that was and i did realized what it was once once that floodgate opened yeah being an empath it's like I loved her internally even on the outside when she was putting up this wall the wall that I put up we almost we almost broke up many times let's get to that hold on real quick so Amber

let's bounce back to you so you go away and foster care yeah take me on this journey now I went to foster care at 12 I believe um and I started just rebelling horribly oh yeah like with drugs sex like all of it at 12 at 12 wow yeah I and I mean all my friends were doing it so like I wanted somewhere to fit in yeah and that's how I fit in with them. The outcasts always accept. And I was just numbing. You know, it gave me, I was drunk off of, we used to drink like moonshine, like rubbing alcohol at 12 years old, like falling down stairs. Like, but even younger, the first time I got drunk was eight years old with my sister because she was, she'd have to bring me to every party.

Eight years old. Eight years old. You're drinking at eight years old. That old you're drinking at wasted that is she had no guidance clearly i was raising myself when i say that i truly did it all on my own yeah they'd come home at like 9 p.m 10 p.m they'd be drunk fighting and i had done everything on my own until that that point you know so i think up until like no i definitely was rebelling all through high school. I went into a really good foster care though in like ninth grade. And although they were really good, I was still rebelling, you know, hard. Well, a lot of hurt.

Yeah. A lot of pain. Yeah. So after I graduated, I went down an even worse path like drugs and, you know, I should be dead right now. I'm actually surprised that i'm not i say that all the time i don't know how i literally almost got kidnapped at one point i can do twice i got into some guy's car he had no handle on the inside of his car door

and i i can remember being awake enough to be like telling him my whole life story so that he'd feel bad enough for me and you know walked home in the winter with no shoes on you in this guy's car i was like 17 he was an older guy oh they're always fucking perverts and he had no no apparently had no handle yeah no car door handle no car door handle to get out just bad in college it was very bad like i was raped at a party one time because i my drinking was so bad i would just black out wherever you were everywhere and at that time i felt guilty for it i felt dirty for the things that i was doing even though i wasn't responsible for a lot of the shit that was happening we're never responsible for the trauma that other people

inflict on us we're left to fucking pick up the pieces and learn how to deal with it absolutely as a child you're not equipped with those coping skills no but you get ridiculed for it everyone on the outside's like oh you're just a whore. You're just dirty. You shouldn't have been drinking. You shouldn't have been wearing that. Which puts you into a deeper depression. You're going to want to drink more and you're just going to continue to make bad decisions and bad choices, which is what I was doing. So I started actually, I was dating girls in college as well. And then. Yeah. So when did you know that you were interested? I was always, I was having sex with girls in middle school too. Yeah, me too.

I was banging my neighbor. I've made her put socks in her pants. Oh yeah. We were all grinding on each other. I had a foursome when I was like 12 years old. Nah, listen, we can compare stories later. Regina, I'm sorry. Regina actually reached out to me and was like, can you please stop talking about me on the walkout?

I'm like, nobody knows it's you. She's like, they all know it's me. I'm your fucking i was your neighbor forever i'm like no okay yeah no i get it no my first love was boy george like i mean i have i get it yeah no i and i still love dudes that wear makeup like it's the weirdest shit ever it's not weird it's not weird at all i love it i love it my husband thinks it's crazy he's like you married me and i'm like well you know i love you but i fell for your soul yeah exactly not for your that's okay it's very true absolutely there's souls yes there's all ways of like loving no judgment looks or yeah absolutely so many different ways no for sure so you knew just as a kid that you like i was a very free spirit yeah very free very loving very i wanted to be loved so i was i just experimented all the way around and so i actually met the guy that i

married in high school and he was horrible for me a horrible one story shocking and that story she told me please stop i'm gonna tell the story i want to hear she told me she had one of those babies from class and you had to take care of it was like part of class yeah and she just ended up with the baby at his house with a bunch of his friends i don't know and she said he took the baby and then he threw it with his friends across the room i was like you don't think that was like about the red flag yeah that's not okay i was a little dumb back then clearly i wasn't quite thinking straight she was like oh that turns me away the way he flips that baby around yeah love it craziest part is that he went to the same like college that i did it was the same area and um we ended up you know

dating in college and the reason i dated him was because at least you went to college though i went i went to college on a full ride scholarship for vocal performance i was i was talented so you sing i am yeah i'm a singer i don't sing a little bar no no we're good we're not no i cannot sing on command i can't do it she's so good i love it she gets emotional on another time oh she's really good at it yeah she gets shy though she's i love that because nobody emotional on another time oh she's really good at it yeah she gets shy though she's i love that because nobody would know that about you she sings she used to sing on live all the time for her her when before me that's how i that's how i have a horrible stage fright so i could never have even been a performer i don't even know what i was thinking i mean you got a full ride baby you were doing something right i was i definitely knew what i was i was such a nerd

when i came i engulfed myself in in anything music and yeah i was your escape it definitely was my escape so you met your first husband yes i met him in high school and then we started dating again you guys got married that but he was like this quiet no he was this quiet kid like he didn't he didn't fight me on anything like he stayed around you know everyone else just wanted to fuck and be like, you're a whore. You know, whatever. He just stuck. He stuck around.

And for me, that felt like safety. Yeah. So. No. I felt like love. Abandonment. It wasn't love on either end. Right.

But if to you being in this. He was my friend and it felt safe. Yeah. Right. Exactly. It didn't feel like crazy or anything. So that's where I stayed. So when did you guys get married?

We got married when I was 21. I got pregnant at 18 with twins and I lost them. And it was very, very rocky. Like we definitely had a lot of, I had a lot of trauma. So I was not meant to be in a relationship. Right. But we stuck it out. We stuck it out for 13 years wow yeah that's crazy

he knew i was gay however right so how did he know you were gay oh i told him okay but i think he thought i was bisexual right because i wasn't openly like i'm gay yeah i was just like i love women and i want to fuck women all the time yeah and he was just like oh he thought it was kinky like i love women and i want to fuck women all the time yeah and he was just like oh he thought it was kinky right you know yeah men sexualize us always did yeah but he knew in the back of his mind and it made him insecure for sure definitely did because he knew let's bounce back to you ria so when somebody outed you what happened then somebody outed after that my life was hell he was watching my every move my my ex-husband, my first ex-husband, he would follow me to my other jobs. He would make sure, like, whoever I had as even girls as friends weren't, like, somebody I was interested.

So my life was miserable after that. You were, like, more under a microscope than when you lived with your parents. Yeah, and then I couldn't do much anymore like I could have before. So they really, these people who outed me really fucked with my life after. Why did they do that? Do you know? Just some jealous people? It was some kid.

It was some fucking kid, this guy. I don't know why this kid. He did it twice to me. Right. He outed me with him. And then he outed me with my second ex-husband. Because he's a barber. He ended up having a haircut by my second

husband at the time and he was like yeah he found out that was my husband he's like yeah i heard she was into girls and like and then that became and then with him it was easier to like deny and you know because i was i tried harder with him like in a relationship, I was more involved in the relationship. Sorry. I love the dog. Yeah. I love the dog, but yeah,

it's just, it was easier with him. When they added you the first time, did your family hear about it too? My family did not hear about it, but my family always knew. They just didn't want to. They just didn't admit it.

They didn't want to admit it. And they never heard me say it. So to them, it wasn't real. Right. So they really, like, hoped that it would go away. Like, it was one of those things that you could just, like, choose. You know what I mean? But when you got out of the marriage, I think they knew.

So they even kept her even more prisoner after she got out of the marriage. So your sister, right right was married to the my cousin was married to his brother brother okay so once we got divorced my life fucking hit the like i was 21 and this is like the time of your life right you should be like finally i'm free like and i wasn't i was back in this house where living it again but as a 21 year old you were forced to go back home or you just kind of had no choice i had no choice i hadn't i i wasn't i didn't go to college right they didn't let me go i didn't you know what well let's be real because in her culture it's like very traditional to take care of your your parents right and especially with the trauma bond that they had she was there she was their

comfort too and the control that was as toxic as it was she still felt responsible for them as well so like there was this horrible trauma bond going on yeah yeah oh god um but yeah so my parents didn't let me have friends i wasn't allowed to have a phone at the time either. I was going to school at the time. I started this like medical assisting program. I'm like anything fast so I can make some income. And it's like whatever, professional, it's a cool career, whatever. So I did that and they drove me and picked me up,

brought me to a restaurant we owned at the time. It was a pizza place. I went from school there to there, went back home at at like midnight and it was a vicious cycle of that all the time yeah i had that was my schedule i had no life outside of school and and restaurant and that was literally like where i'm like i need to find a dude i need to find some guy on facebook and i was like mom how do you expect me to find a guy if you guys won't let me have a phone no social media and then that's when they're like oh that's true so my they let me have like social media and a phone and i met frank i met him right my second my ex's name is really hilarious frank yeah yeah frank he was supposed to be just my boyfriend and like just to be like

a way just to say i have a boyfriend and let me be free and like them chill out but that did not work in my favor and i just had gotten divorced i met frank i was divorced like three months really and then my parents and frank they were all like well you got to get married it's you can't just stay was frank in your culture yeah okay you gotta get married he's like i can't just stay was frank in your culture yeah okay you got to get married he's like i can't he's very much like a little bit old school culture type mentality with him so he kind of like they all persuaded me to like i'm like whatever i'm like just do i'm like i'll have i'll still have more freedom at frank's house i'm like he has no mom i didn't

have an evil mother-in-law like the last one right right? So she's overseas. I was like, I'll be home. I'll still have my freedom. And that didn't pan out well either. Because his mom ended up coming from overseas living with us. Oh, God. So I was living with the monster in law. Which, when I tell you, demon, demon. She was so nasty to me. She just did not like me.

He didn't have, his father died when he was two. So it was just her. And she had this attachment to her son since then i don't know but like she'd make her clean out the cupboards pregnant like get up on the cabinets and like take all the stuff down and clean them while she's pregnant so this is your baby daddy yeah okay i had i had i had uh my first pregnancy with him and i was eight months pregnant. I remember. And I remember she used to make me do the craziest things just to watch me like suffer. She loved it. And I would just do it because I didn't want to argue.

And I was looking and seeking so much validation, so much love. Like I wanted something just to be loved. I never felt that ever. So I would do anything. And then at one point uh i lost the baby i i she was stillborn yeah i had a stillborn yeah at eight months yeah it was from listeria it was like bacteria i must have eaten something and that guilt ate me for a very long time because i felt responsible i'm like i ate something that caused my child to die and it's my fault and i

could not grieve that and that carried on to her 10 years later we're still healing that oh that's tough i couldn't imagine carrying a baby that long and then i had everything i had the nursery i had the clothes i had the name and she made her throw away all of her stuff the mother-in-law made her throw away all the baby stuff she couldn't keep any of it she's like it's enough you'll have another one it's not the end of the world you need to get pregnant right away after evil woman yeah she was i'm telling you she's still alive yeah but they sent her back to her her his new wife his new wife sent her back to where she belongs back home because that's where she was living first she was living in macedonia yeah and she was getting

almost same treatment because she has her own daughter yeah from a previous marriage she was treating that daughter like a step-child like you're not my blood yeah so she's being cruel to that little girl and that mom the mom had enough and she shipped her ass back good for her that that was coming to her yeah for sure so she made you get pregnant right away again yeah i mean i wanted to right wasn't her it was just to kind of help i just hurt not even just the hurt i felt lonely when i lost the baby i felt suicidal like i'm like what the fuck does god want for me at this point like you got me doing i'm doing everything you want i'm with this man i'm not not doing these sins you know

not being gay i'm doing whatever i'm supposed to be doing these sins. I'm not being gay. I'm doing whatever I'm supposed to be doing. I just wanted a child, and you took that from me. So it's like, at this point, I was like, fuck God. I was like, are you even real? I started like, I'm like, what's the purpose of life? And I really came to this really dark place at one point where I was ready to shove a bottle of pills

and just call it a day. And then this voice inside of me was like, Rhea, don't do it. Rhea, don't do it. I'm like, it's like you have a purpose here. Like, it was, for some reason, like, whatever was going on in my head, replay my intuition, something, I don't know, was telling me don't do it. And I just stuck. I just stuck with that.

Like, I'm like, okay, I'll just keep going. I'll see, you going i'll see you know and then you had ayla then i got pregnant like two or three months later after i lost the first baby act and i didn't i didn't even think about it anymore because i was so hurt but i wanted a baby so bad to fill this like void in my heart like i had no purpose and i just wanted to be happy and i never felt happiness i didn't know what the fuck happy felt like yeah because I was always depressed I was always in a dark place so I just and even when I had the baby I was still like empty in a way I still felt like I wasn't myself I'm like this

it doesn't feel right because you weren't living your authentic no it and then that's my daughter was my whole purpose of why I like wanted to stop everything i was like they treat me like shit here no one sticks up for me i was like i don't want my daughter to see that and i'm like my daughter's never gonna know who i really am i don't even know who i really am i was like so how do i how do i raise a kid like that it's just like this whole i had an epiphany moment for my daughter how old was she when you got out she was not even two years old she was like a year and a half maybe oh good so you like had her yeah and i just couldn't started a plan yes because i never wanted to be yeah like my parents either i know i wanted

to give her something i never experienced ever yeah you know and i never wanted to pass trauma to her that i had and i just i wanted her to see something I never saw. Yeah. So you guys both share in losing children. Yeah. That's crazy. It's crazy that you guys were living two parallel lives. We do.

And I truly believe in, like, soulmates or, like, twin flames. Yeah, absolutely. And I truly believe he's my twin flame. Like, our souls cut in half. Like, we even kind of look alike if people say it i've been sitting here looking at you guys like do you say twin flames are like supposed to like never never last no that's not true it's not it's not true that's the misunderstanding that society has made twin flames can't you of course you're gonna meet there you guys are gonna go through some shit like that but you can also heal together i agree and you can stay together

and longevity jay and i split we had a separation whenever we first got together but you can also heal together i agree and you can stay together and longevity jay and i split we had a separation whenever we first got together but you were meant to be and we got back together twin flames can become soulmates and i believe that wholeheartedly and i also believe it because there's so many things that have fallen into place that just wouldn't make sense otherwise like her her baby's due date her first baby is my birthday it's her birthday i take it as what are the odds of my first when she told me and i was like holy shit like maybe ava sent her to me you know definitely oh my god this is yeah this is her this is the right and always felt right with her i was just afraid of her first marriage date was my son's birthday wow yeah my first there's just too many too many

and nothing just like happens by chance numerology is a huge thing in people's lives too if you guys break those down so after you lost the twins when did you have you have two kids right yeah correct okay and it's with the same i have three you have three yeah okay sorry sorry we forgot about that no i'm just kidding um when did you get pregnant next when When I was 20. Okay. So I had my first daughter when I was 21. Okay. Like I was pregnant while we got married. We had a destination wedding and I remember the day we got married. I bawled.

Oh. I cried so hard. Like I knew I shouldn't be doing it. But I had, that's all I had. Yeah. There was going, no, I had no family. There was, this is all I had. Right.

And your dad's already locked up at this time. My mom is toxic. Going was going no. I had no family. There was. This is all I had. Right. And your dad's already locked up at this time. My mom is toxic. Going through other relationships. Horrible. You're just running really. Running on empty. Just trying to figure out. Like a robot.

Life. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely a robot. And then when were the other babies born? Later on down the road? Yeah. So Cavell was born like three years later.

Okay. And then Sire was born. He was an oopsie baby. But he's the reason I got out of the relationship. I love that name, Sire. Thank you. I had a dog named Sire. I love it.

It's the king. I love it too. Yeah. That's awesome. He was my like catalyst for my spiritual awakening. Yeah. I remember just laying in bed and like so depressed. I used to drive down the street and just want to fucking swerve into the other lane and be like you know my kids would be taken care of like i wouldn't have to like just

suffer anymore yeah and i couldn't even be a mom i couldn't get out of bed and i'm like these kids need me and they don't have me just pretending to be the soccer mom faking my shit every single day and i had lost who i was in in the making of it yeah and so I told him I'm like bro like I need a girlfriend so that I can like find something inside of me to like spark me again otherwise I feel alive I need to feel alive so my kids can have a mom again and he's like okay um he said yeah to that so I found a girlfriend and then when he realized that like it wasn't for him when he realized that i couldn't i wasn't sharing her with him then he was like no oh because he was like he thought we were sharing me sunk in like this was real life she's not into

me she's into them you know like okay gotcha yeah so then i asked for a divorce awesome and how was he was he like he was pissed at me. Oh, I'm sure. He called me like a master manipulator. He's like, you're not the mom you used to be. Oh, just trying to hurt you. All nasty shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Definitely angry. So when did you get divorced from? A year and a half is when you left? Yeah. From Frank? After you had your baby, a year and a half is when you left? Yeah, I was married to him for five years.

So it was like first marriage three years and then frank right after that was another five years so a good portion of my life was dedicated to these marriages with men yeah and that was hard but i do see why like i have my daughter and i'll i would do it she motivated you to get the fuck out of there and break she did so you left that's that's what it i never knew it was that i didn't know what the hell trauma was i don't think we all knew it what we were doing until we're in the middle of it and we're like holy shit makes sense now and now we know like she taught me these things i'm like i didn't know that that's trauma i thought i got out of this fucking life i'm like oh wow like i got out i didn't need therapy i didn't need medication i made it and then this one comes into my life and she's like you surprise bitch yeah like no no

we're gonna face all this shit together and I'm like what do you mean I gotta heal I'm fine I I didn't realize I tucked everything under yeah and I didn't really so when did you guys okay so Rhea you you got on social media and you got a pretty big following I think I started following you a couple years ago how long have you guys been together like two years two years okay so i i followed you right before you guys got together i think i had even talked to you about coming on the podcast or something um so take me through this journey you get on tiktok you blow up you're like fucking tiktok's most eligible you know the lesbian yeah yeah i'm trying to learn people's terminologies and I never want to yeah my daughter got my it was during the pandemic my daughter was like mom let's get

on tiktok and I'm like I'm like I'm saying yeah I don't want to but fine and it started with me making fun tiktoks with my daughter and then I saw this tiktok I'm like I saw somebody do some cool ass transition I'm like I'm gonna try it i did it and it just blew up i'm like holy shit i'm like what do i do i didn't know what to do yeah i'm like that was an accident but then i started just like still feeding into it like being like this thirst trap lesbian and that eventually became a thing where like i'm like well i was like i don't want to keep doing this like i was like i have there's more to me than yeah like it felt like no substance and then people were asking me in my comment section about my story and i'm like maybe you should just tell

them i was like why not let me just tell them like a glimpse a glimpse of it because you can't really tell your story on just one video you know that right yeah so i was like all right i'll just do a little glimpse i did that and it just skyrocketed even more. Like people just were so like, like it just sparked something in people to like motivate people to be themselves. And like, you know, they saw what I went through and then where I am, they're like, holy shit, this girl's confident.

Little do they know, like I was also like still a traumatized, that person behind the scenes that I didn't even know we're all faking it till i made it clearly like well that's actually a trauma response too is you know faking it till you make it it's like everything's great on the outside but on the inside we're really fucking falling apart you know and i couldn't even talk about my story like it was hard for me fully because i would i would turn blotchy red and i would get my like it's like i felt it all over again. And so clearly I never healed.

Right. So now I talk about it, it's like I'm so numb to it. I don't feel the feelings I felt then. Well, because talking about it is therapeutic alone. Just telling people your story and just being able to see how many people you touch with your story too has got to be healing in some way. She wants to act humble but listen this girl has

changed so many lives like thousands when i tell you people will be like i like i've came out because of you i'm brave like i i'm not homophobic any longer towards my children like she's really changed people's lives and their mindset and she'll never like she'll never take it she just doesn't see it i don't and it's not that I don't see it. It's like. You deserve that though. Yeah. That's the thing.

She doesn't feel deserving of it. All those days that you were laying. I just feel like it's still not enough. All those days that you were laying in bed wondering why you were still here. This is why you're still here. That little voice in my head. Telling me. Telling me.

No, for sure. I just feel like I should. She's like, she needs to do more. And I'm like, baby, just being you and like sharing your wisdom with people is all you need to do. Yeah. Just be yourself. You're changing lives just by being you. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's been, I love it. That's been my journey. No, I think it's amazing. Amber, you were on social media also.

Okay. Tell me about your journey. I started like before, way before her, like years. I did YouTube. I used to do mukbangs as well. Like I never say it right.

I always say mukbang. I say muk i never say it right i always say mukbang i think it's mukbang like really specific she won't even let me watch those i deleted them i think there's nothing cool about watching anybody eat but people love it dude i've done them too i've done a few on my youtube too they love it yeah and i was like i couldn't eat during my pregnancy and watching them made me want to eat so i started doing them i was like if i can help people fuck yeah yeah so i did i did that and i was doing like um selling makeup whatever so i had my own shit like empowering women whatever and then she comes along i'm like empowering women whatever whatever you know all that cool stuff you guys know what the fuck i'm talking about exactly yeah so then um she comes on my

for you page and i my sister and me were sitting in a kitchen and I was like, she was like, hello. I was like, have you seen this girl? And she's like, oh yeah. And I was like, I'm going to marry her. And she's like, okay. You psychopath. You can't just say you're going to marry someone you don't know.

That's called manifesting. Yeah, exactly. She did that. That's exactly what I did, actually. And I followed her. Manifesting works, ladies. I tell you guys this all the time. We manifest everything we have.

Yeah, everything. Everything. And I swear by it i think that's why the the money thing i'm trying to let that go so it doesn't become like a blockage yeah i'm just trying to teach her to like just don't worry about like the money as much as your freedom and your happiness because money comes to energy my husband had to teach me that yeah yeah he's the one who taught you that it's just probably teach each other you do because he is such he squanders yeah and i'm like he calls me a cheapskate i'm not a cheapskate because i will definitely kind of i will spend money but like i'll it has to have a purpose and a reason you know like so but yeah no he he's always she's jelly roll yeah i love that though we need that though it's a healthy balance really is a healthy balance and i always just do it it's a fine yeah

i just want to stop you want to just stop it but the thing is is like to get to that place though with this type of energy i can't just say it and act like i've been born with a silver spoon because i haven't i've done the work i've done the healing i've done you know we've done what it takes to be to the point where i'm healthy enough to now say i know i'm worthy yeah of all of the blessings yeah and everybody is every single person i had to explain to tick tock the other day why i hired a chef for my family of course you have the first time i could ever hire a chef for my family you should and i had to explain that to people and i was like you don't have to i was like i don't know if you guys know well i feel like as um i don't i don't like using the word influencers i feel

like people that are on the internet like us that share our lives with people we do owe certain explanations and i don't mind giving it to people if i have time i'll tell people i address what i want to and i don't address what i don't want too you know but i also saw you gave somebody a job but it's amazing too but yeah the word influencer i feel like it's used very lightly like it's used very broadly right and i feel like not a lot of people deserve that title of influencer because what are you influencing right are you actually making a difference a change are you like giving people something to like grow on or are you just spewing money out and and something that's not even attainable nobody is it's not attainable for other people it's so false i just feel like i will take the term influencer because i give it a good name yeah

i love that i've never looked at it that way so yeah i agree with that yeah all right so let's get to the fun part everybody wants to know let's talk about i always tell it wrong how okay well now we're gonna we're gonna fucking say we're gonna wait better story she's a better storyteller and i always tell it wrong because i'm so i am very adamant that she's the one who damn she also has adhd and she bounces around and she can't stay on topic so i'm like baby just fine all right how did you guys okay so you looked you saw her you said i'm gonna marry her i did and i followed her she followed me back and i was in a live one i was on live one day just singing to my followers like we were all vibing she pops in and

she's like you're so hot and i was seeing somebody at the time so i couldn't really say anything because they were in the live so i was just like was it another female or it was a toxic i did not know this by the way i'm not that person she didn't and i am not i will never get on i would never do that i i actually found it innocent it was innocent she didn't know yeah i had no idea she was quiet about that so i did i just smirked at it yeah you know and your intention was good yeah she wasn't trying to overstep yeah definitely did not know so yeah let me make that clear she just wants to clarify my guys so anyway she's not out here snatching snatching bitches from people she could but she wouldn't i would never so yeah anyway i was like you know smirking at her or whatever and so eventually me and this girl stopped talking and i was like okay well now i'm gonna shoot my shot and i did duet me i

duetted her a couple times and flirt in those comment sections our fans would tag us in each other's shit they're like you guys would be perfect together they were egging it on they're like ria just give her your number amber just give her yours somebody give somebody's number like i think i remember when this was going yeah yeah so i um i made like this thirst trap and because she had done a thirst trap of her back and so i made one of my back and i made like this thirst trap and because she had done a thirst trap of her back. And so I made one of my back and I was like, this is for the femmes. And so I tagged her in it on Instagram and I was like, maybe this will catch your attention. And she's like, about time. Aw.

We gave each other our numbers. Yeah. And then we finally talked. But then we were talking for like a day, but I was answering her every like six hours. And she wasn't into that. Why? Why were you just playing hard to get? She wasn't very ready. She like six hours and she wasn't into that why why were you she was still like she wasn't she wasn't very ready she wasn't ready i wasn't ready and she

didn't know who to like trust at the time either because all these girls were throwing themselves at her people were in my dms like trying but that was the difference between me and them like they were like sending nudes like playing with themselves like dirty ass shit right off the bat you could never you would never believe this the shit that i saw and i'm pretty horny but i don't even do that no they were very they were sending her like letters like like telling like telling her they could cook like i can i'll make she had boxes of fan letters boxes of what they would do for me did you date anybody from the dms no i had a crazy ex right before i blew up she hacked my shit deleted everything this was right

when i blew up deleted i had to restart and then i got all my followers it came right back she deleted she got so jealous um yeah but yeah that was so i was like i'm never gun shy yeah so we started talking for like a day and um she would text me back like every six hours and i was like yo i don't have time for this i'm a grown woman i have three children like i'm not in this to play games so like when you have love that you put that boundary up yeah i was like so if you ever like have time or like you want to see if this could go somewhere awesome i'll be here i thought that was so hot yeah i did i'm like this bitch i'm like she she said this to me i'm like no one's ever said that to me i was like she knows what she wants it made it hot i'm like she's

like she she's like good without me clearly i'm like she doesn't need me which made me attracted to that right so i'm like she's not here to use me clearly she just wants my attention she wants to get to know me and yeah i wanted to get to know her so i was like i let i let her we left it off that way yeah did you text her back when she said that no she was like i appreciate that she's like yeah i was kind about it i was like and i actually thought she did it so polite and not rude and not made me she didn't make me feel like an asshole like she was so kind about it she understood she's like i get it you're on social media and you're popular like i understand so it really like she she had a resonator in my heart for that so like two weeks later i saw i saw this video of like megan fox and mgk and she had a thing for megan fox so i sent her this is

like yo have you seen this she looks so hot in this video and then she's like you should come see me in connecticut i don't know why i was like you know what the fact that she's like, you should come see me in Connecticut. I don't know why. I was like, you know what? The fact that she's still texting me just to share a song with me. I'm like, she's still thinking about me. And I also like was thinking about her too. And I love that she did that. Yeah. So I was like, you know what? Just calm down.

She's like, well, I can't because I will pay for your damn. But I also said, she also said, I just so you know, like, I'm not going to just come fuck you. You're not going to be paid. You're not going to pay me to come to Connecticut just to fuck you. Like, I'm not that kind of girl. you're my spirit animal she's like I'm coming yeah I'm coming in that boundary too and I was like spicy I know I was like I'm like the fact that you even thought that was a thought of course I thought that because why wouldn't I

Maria's like I was thinking I was thinking exactly she said that she's like well clearly I was thinking about it all right so did you go yeah yeah it's three weeks later but in the meantime we were texting back a lot and you weren't texting back every six hours no no i started to text more and actually i let her in the thing how i let her in was one one of the nights after she um text me the song i think it was the next day or something we're talking all night and we had to go to bed it was so there's three days later three days but we also were talking about like our childhood trauma like we were definitely opening up to each other like telling her each

other about our lives and like we really connected at that point we're like let her in okay we're both real fucking people like we both have real shit that we've been through we're not just like these pretty faces i love that you guys could trust each other right away yeah but i made her open up no the funny thing is i had this intuition i i don't i know what the hell it was i gave you a safe something right told me to tell talk to her let her in stop stop stopping her from like getting to know you so in that safe space she shut down like after she started talking about her trauma she shut down and down and she put this wall up and I was like, okay, well, maybe we can talk about this like tomorrow. So we hung up the phone at like 3 a.m.

I wake up and then at the moment I wake up, I get a text from her. She's like, are you awake? I pick up my phone and I was like, yeah, I'm awake. And we literally at that moment fell in love with each other. I fell in love with her at that moment because I'm like, for some reason I missed her and i'm like i hope she's awake because i don't know i was lonely and in my head my head was dark and you hadn't even met her yet no i was so alone

in my i was so like in my head and in this dark place you know when you're not healed your yeah your head is loud and i was like i hope she's awake right now because i need her i text her and she just was like yeah i'm right here i'm like oh my fucking god i was like i miss you i just want to hug you and then i was like i was ready to cry right there like perfect it's like three in the morning and you don't think it felt so natural like it felt like we had loved each other for decades i get it decades like we've been in every lifetime together and that's how i recognized her on tiktok i was like my soul recognized her how the hell would i have been like i'm'm going to marry that girl? Like, I just knew she was mine forever.

And she always had been. I say that about Jay every time. It's true. What was it about him? I was like, my soul recognized his. It's true. It was like, I knew him forever. It was like, my soul was like, there you are.

Didn't skip a beat. It took me forever, but I found you. But it's all about timing, too. Like, you make these like soul contracts wherever it is you come this you know and you're like we're gonna be at this time because this is when we need each other when we need each other when we're supposed to be because i've believed that we've lived lifetimes together before have you guys ever done a past life we haven't but we'd love to we've done meditations together where i've seen past lives of mine

because i i can get pretty deep like i can get very she's really good at it close to source when I'm meditating and I've seen past lives where we've literally she's killed herself in past lives before and it's to the point where I keep coming back to get her through it and I feel like this is the one lifetime where we finally broke that mold and And she's like, she's getting it. She's healing. I love that. Like, that's how it feels. I know.

I can't explain it. It sounds a little bit. Yeah, I know. It's probably going to be crazy to other people. Sounds crazy to other people. I get it. But I've had every psychic that I've ever talked to has told me that I'm here to absorb all of Jay's pain.

I'm like, thanks. I've done the same thing. Such a great fucking life. It's wonderful, isn't it? But yeah, I went through like a severe depression. Oh, same. Before I learned how to deal with all of you kidding like our first two years like we almost broke up like because and i'm sure you understand that part like we she moved to connecticut for

so let's let okay hold on yeah let's rewind really quickly you went to go see her yeah first night so how'd that go it was amazing i was nervous as fuck did you guys shock nervous oh yeah the moment i got off the plane i showered i got out but she made me the only reason we fucked was because before she came she's like she really was like what am i to you like what like she wanted to know like what's our title and i'm like i'm not fucking you without a title yeah she's like she demanded that too and i was like fine you could be my girlfriend i was like and then we were we were actually together in a relationship so that's why like she did come and that's why we fucked

otherwise it wouldn't have been a fuck unless there was some yeah i wouldn't have let it like yeah she wouldn't have let me in without i knew my worth at that point i had been through it for 13 years like i wasn't playing games so she's like i was afraid i literally thought this girl would not look like she's like i was afraid you would like have like something missing like i don't know like it was all like a missing couple teeth i don't know that she's hiding i don't know i was nervous because girls don't look like they do online a lot of the time because some of them don't yeah yeah because of filters you know i don't know i was like yeah you know so i was nervous i was like fuck fuck i was like believe me but i also was like i hope we connect like we do via phone i

hope she was nervous about the energy in person because i'm like that makes me nervous and i said sexually like i have a lot of sexual trauma that i'm getting through so i'm like i hope i connect with her sexually too because you know you don't not everybody has that energy we don't connect no yeah with everybody so when i got off the plane she was so quiet and i thought she was gonna be like this like boisterous like you know cocky ass bitch and she was so quiet and shy nervous so nervous i could feel her energy i have a teddy bear people make assumptions about me i'm a big teddy bear here i am just loud and rambunctious but you guys are perfect for each other because i'm the quiet one and jay's very really yeah

wow and loud and rambunctious yeah i love. It's the yin and yang and we definitely fit each other perfectly, but it's taken us a long time. Yeah. Yeah. So let's talk about that. So you guys hit it off the first night and then guide me from there. So I was only supposed to stay for like three days and I changed my trip to be like seven. Yeah.

Because I wish we were like. We were having such a good time together. Yeah. And I was like, it's too short. Yeah. So we did that. In the middle of me being there, she she legitimately she felt like this pull from from the universe and she quit her job that she was in in the moment she quit her job she's like i know my worth like i'm just gonna job made me

i'm gonna throw it all into social media and i'm just gonna take a risk and this is gonna be what what i'm gonna do and i just was like fuck yeah babe we got this we can do i wasn't scared which was funny i just knew that like i should that was what i was supposed to do like my confidence in that like i was not afraid i was like just excited yeah the excited feeling of something new so then at the time like you might think that you were excited for us and some people were but a lot of people behind the scenes were trying to rip us apart oh with lies saying that i like you know fucked with their sister or like them or like i was cheating on her and i'm like just ask for proof i'm like if there's proof cool it was i didn't care it was creepy to the point people

were like sending us letters like i know we're putting our address online like threatening us was it was it fucking the shitbag website that fucking hounds i wasn't that one i haven't had that we don't go on that we don't even care i don't even give a shit but there was people like within the inner circles that were literally like trying to convince her like get in her head and like get psychics involved like fake psychics involved to tell her that i wasn't the one for her and like brainwashed me and she was using me like yeah i almost fell for some of it too and i'm like yo so on top of the shit we were going through our traumas then we're trying to fight for our relationship that from other people trying to break us up in the background all on social

media at the same time yeah so it was traumatic that's a lot of fucking pressure so much pressure you guys handled it really well though we did we tried to keep we because her face we tried to keep it off of social media because all right we're not we don't want we don't want drama it's not my position that's what i love about you guys you guys that's how i am too i don't do the drama i don't know no we don't what good is it gonna bring you it doesn't it doesn't bring anything and it's not gonna you're not gonna get me to talk about it i don't care gross when i see people just engaging in non-stop drama i just get like i get like the ick i feel like you know a lot of people's platforms are based off of that and they're not going to last very long.

Because they don't have the substance. Thank you. To continue to build without that. Yeah, because how much drama can you create? And it's not healthy for me. Negative energy. But a lot of people know because people love drama. Yeah, they do.

That's the crazy. People love it. But I don't mind. I don't like to each their own, but I'm going to just. We're're gonna stay away from it i'll be i'll be there with you guys yeah no we're not yeah let's stay over here yeah like you will not catch us around it at all even around so we got through all of it though yeah we got through it we like then started to focus on our healing and ria had a really hard time with that because let's talk about the healing part she um no one ever made her face her trauma no no one told me everyone told me I was just crazy

I had issues but like I was in toxic relationships where like one toxic person fed another toxic person I never picked healthy those were all your carmiest relationship they were her karmics and she had to go through them to get to me absolutely you know it's like toxic with toxic and i i i will never sit here and say i wasn't i will always take the kind of one's perfect i even before i healed i was like i knew i i knew i had issues too like that i had to work on 100 like i take full account like accountability for my actions in my last relationships like but you didn't realize what like your trauma was doing to you you thought that was just your personality you couldn't identify yeah that's the thing my dad was an angry man my dad was always i was he was abusive to my mom all i saw that's i didn't know her first emotion was always anger

both of you guys came from extreme violence very horrible bad yeah and i would be the one to protect i was always a protector in my in my family i was the one stick because i had a brother and sister and they would cry and i'd be the one like to shield them and help my mom you know my my dad would drag my mom out of the house by her hair into my mom would sleep in the car and i remember i would you know climb the back deck and try to sleep in the car with her because i would feel bad for her i was the one who always tried to protect everybody and i never had that that feeling protected ever by anybody so that's what i gave to her i i'm i'm like okay i see your darkness but like you don't get to identify as that any longer yeah because don't let it consume you you can't and and like i'm gonna be empathetic with you while we heal through it but once we've identified

it then you cannot you can't go back right and if you go back then i'm not i can't stick around because then you're hurting me yeah so she's like she's hurting her by hurting herself exactly and she loved me enough to be like fuck like okay like i'm not gonna lose the one person that me makes me feel safe and actually loves me unconditionally. Even with the trauma I have, she loves me as well. And that's what I have to say. Watch me heal. I have to take accountability and do it.

That's the thing. She'd be like, you know, that makes me feel unsafe that you can't just love me for me. Why can't I just be enough? And I'd be like, you are enough. I never felt enough in my life. You're not your trauma. Right.

So you don't have to, your personality isn't what people have told you that you are you get to decide who you want to be you don't have to be angry you don't do you guys go talk to anybody about this or you guys just doing it we did it all on our own communication together yeah and that's all it takes is just to listen and talk together and take accountability and validate each other's feelings through it we've got through the like the the rough part of it yeah we did we got through we got past it all because the hardest part was we had so many outside influences still affecting us we lived in her parents house for two and a half years and there was a lot of you know trauma associated with the negative energy how did that i was just about to say how did that go over horrible energy it was always um every day so they finally accepted you well they loved her they had they had to because like

there was we were also on social media and i feel like that was part of it i up until social media my parents were very much like at least my mom my dad minded his business a lot but my mom now yeah now dad wanted to mind his business my dad always minded his business oh did he yeah he didn't his her mom was what worked with my mom yeah she really avoided trying to ever fight with my mom so it was like he would protect her they protect each other which was annoying traumatically though they wasn't like when someone's wrong you're wrong can we just like acknowledge that but but yeah that was still going on up until now until we moved out my yeah my you guys just recently moved out right yeah yeah finally and now i had to

finally cut my parents off for good they actually like like i was trying to say they were trying to they finally came around my mom would say the the most horrible things to me like you know like i'm i don't know why i had you like you're you have a disability because i was gay um things like that like she would say very much hurtful things um and then i'm trying to get to the damn point oh social media sorry see adhd yeah my social media and i had a uh what do you call that a a meet up a meet and greet one meet and greet ahead in connecticut because everybody was begging me for it on social media so i was like all right i'll do one in connecticut and my parents came to that and they saw how much people loved me for me and they were just like mind blown you know what i mean they're like and my mom was

like i can't believe your whole life i did not love you for you. Like, I couldn't just accept you. But then these strangers so easily love you for you and don't judge you. She's like, why couldn't I do that? I also feel like, though. So she did. Like, having that fame made them look good. Yeah. As well.

It gave them something to be proud of. And I think, like, an Algarian culture is very important to them to have something to be proud of. If I didn't have that, I feel like they would still be in a homophobic mindset, to be honest. How does that make you feel, knowing that? It makes me feel shitty right now because right now I don't have a relationship with my parents. I actually have to cut them off for good. And that's okay. I said that too.

Yeah, don't ever think it's for good. Maybe, you never know. Something could touch their heart to where they could be like, you know, at Rio, I'm sorry. And apologize. And like, you know, just never close that door fully because I just tell everybody this too, because I just went through this with my own mother and, you know, she was not there in my life and, you know, just crazy fucking story. But in the end, before she, my mom passed away November 3rd this month, you know, you are trauma bonded to your parents, whether you like it or not. And when that day comes that you get the same phone call that I got, it you so deeply but knowing that they're not there

in physical form anymore is like the most hurtful thing and then when you like I cut my mom off three months I wouldn't talk to her before she passed away she was out here in Tennessee and fucking I wish I would have never done that because it just you need to do that for your boundaries because of what you've gone through and our situations are different but I'm just saying somewhere along down the road forgiveness is for you it's not for them that's what i always say and like it's you can definitely forgive somebody but love at a distance absolutely and there's reasons that we have to cut them off completely because when you tell someone that they're dead to you which is what they've done and my mom did the same thing to me yeah then that is wonderful you cut your mom off too she said the same thing to me that i was said to her

they say things that when i it's hard to come to just like even forgive it yeah and i'll forgive it it's not the first time it feels good to me to forgive but when i moved to connecticut i split custody with my ex so i fly back and forth every three weeks to my kids for a week i get a hotel i rent a car i'm doing what it takes to be a traveling mother and i every three weeks to my kids for a week. I get a hotel. I rent a car. I'm doing what it takes to be a traveling mother. And I bring them back to Connecticut in the summertime. When I did that, my mom said I was abandoning my children. And I told her, I'm abandoning my kids, but you put me into foster care. She's one to talk.

But I'm literally just splitting custody. OK. So I was speaking openly about this on social media. And she sends me a message and says just because you feel like you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth does not mean you're better than your family and you're dead to me so I was like okay cool well because you're triggering her yes wounds now 100% and like I'm very okay with cutting my mother off and I know it's different for you yeah it's different for everybody yeah but like I can see it as like from the spiritual

view that this was just a very big lesson for me on how to love myself and i don't need outside validation absolutely and that i know how to set very firm boundaries now yeah and choose myself yeah absolutely i've been in situations where my i've forgiven i've i've even apologized i've i've taken their sorries too and it's just a repeated cycle of being let down over and over and i don't know how to your mental health is affected it's like just keep it a distance yeah i mean because it's like sometimes how much can you take you know i mean it's like you say sorry but you don't mean it you just want to say sorry just to keep me in your life just so I don't really cut you off. It's like when do you take accountability and learn?

The last straw was we moved out of the house, and I mean everything that they have is in her name. I've helped them. Their cars, their furniture, their cell phone bill, everything Rhea did for them. And when we moved out you know it was just like oh i was just too nice to you guys you know and she's like i did everything so there's a point where it's like you have to choose yourself and the reason it's like it's

like being repeated because my sister finally got divorced and she's living her true authentic life and like they were not i saw them really not be there for her and they were like more worried about stupid shit than being there for her and they were like more worried about stupid shit than being there for her because she was in an abusive narcissistic like horrible situation yeah and she was young when she got married because when i was forced to get married she had nobody she felt like i needed because it was prison i told you she was like yeah she was like i'm gonna go too my sister's gone my best friend's gone like what am i gonna stay here and she ended up marrying like a narcissist albanian too and and she was in a horrible situation for 15 years and she finally

got out of that and you aren't like i saw them not be like supportive of her so i just watched it was like the straw that broke the camel's back my sister lives with me now because she cut them off too because they were not no and i supportive of her authentic life yeah feel what you guys are doing i think amber hit the nail on the head you know when i was saying you forgive them for you not for them yeah you can still forgive them and have your boundaries they don't have to that and that's where i'm struggling as i put up that firm boundary with my mom and then she died yeah i get it so it's like it's like i didn't think healing that yeah you still have

that i feel like you didn't get closure maybe um i don't know if it's i feel like i didn't get closure i just you feel guilty you wrong yeah you feel good and it's like but then she has shown me so many signs like yeah i mean i pulled up an email from fucking 2018 like how i even found this email crazy pulling her shit out of fucking pawn for her like she's definitely sending yeah yeah literally helping her yeah like she's just showing me like hey you did so much for me like i understand why you like she's definitely sending yeah yeah literally like she's just showing me like hey you did so much for me like i understand why you just she's giving you the last three i love that you're taking it like that yeah for sure i mean you have to it's the only way that you can really like cope with certain things i agree 100 since we've actually left that house though like our energy

it's been if we can breathe there's no weight on our shoulders that was the house that was my trauma that was where she was all my used her whole life you know and i feel like that was part of our trauma while we were there together like she had this bond she was afraid to leave the house in the moment we left her dad was like you're never going to be able to afford this like why wouldn't you buy a house well all those things are lies but those are what he's been saying to her for so many years to get her to stay happy instead of being happy for me i get the opposite it's like i don't understand like you know it's just so toxic now we're trying to reprogram her now that we're out of the home that's gonna take time you know it's not gonna happen overnight and you guys i think you guys

are on this amazing journey together because not a lot of people can heal together and that's the real fucking sauce of a relationship it's like not it doesn't matter how good of sex you have it doesn't matter fucking how good you guys look on the outside no it matters how you guys get through shit and if you can help each other heal from childhood fucking shit that we that you guys have all been through holding each other accountable making each other the best version of each other like that's what i want hold me accountable i love it yeah i love that for you guys so now that you're out of and now that you're out of the house what what happens now we have big things that we can't say it but we have some really big things happening i know secret um we've been like we've been just grateful i mean i've been

just working with awesome brand deals and like awesome opportunities like that that and i'm looking forward to uh i'm the lgbtqia nomination for the american influencer awards yeah that's in la that's in january that's that's i got nominated for that so that's coming up first that's's really cool. I don't know yet. I'm just excited. Either way, we're excited for it. It's a big deal. Yeah. What does 2023, 2023 hold for you guys?

You know, we, people always say like, what's your like five year? We don't have plans. Yeah. We love to just trust the universe to be like, this is what's coming for you. Just like trust that it's coming and keep doing what you love. Keep putting your passion and your soul into everything and be authentically who you are. And like, it's just going to fall into place the way that it's meant to. Yeah.

We just do that. Really. And it's really good. Because I was asked, what are your goals in five? I'm like, I have everything I want. I already have every everything else that comes after this is literally just like being grateful. What do you call that?

A cherry on top. She's so Albanian sometimes. The things she says, I'm like, honey. I love that. Really, like I have the love of my life and like my little support system around me. Like my kids. I'm like, what else can you ask for? I mean.

I love that. So do you guys have your kids full time and your kids i have my daughter full time she goes to her dad's every weekend but she'll go sundays usually and then i have them every three weeks and all summer so yeah they come back with us in the summer but it's really hard being a split family you know my heart gets split never and their dad can't travel so i was like i will do that for you i actually gave him the house back so my kids could live in it yeah and i i'm like i'll do the i'll do the heavy lifting because i don't care that's what moms do like i'm gonna do what it fucking

takes like if my my mom wasn't there for me i'm gonna give them and show them what it looks like to be brave yeah and to do things that make you happy at the same time absolutely no matter what society says a mom is supposed to look like i couldn't give a fuck less because they're so hard on oh my god the shit i get for being a traveling mom they still say you you've abandoned your kids i can't believe you're doing the internet is very mean about it you're like what does 50 50 look like to you but i don't mind because i know everyone has been taught lies their whole life of what things should look like i was gonna say these are the same parents that are sitting at home and drinking

a bottle of wine exactly they don't want to be in with a man that they are not happy with yes it's just a projection how to just stay in a terrible relationship absolutely just to make the kids happy yeah no they're not happy the kids are really they're just kids would be happier if you would and that's toxic because being in where in the situation i was my parents are still together they were arranged so toxic they're everything and i begged i was like mom please just divorce yeah i would beg my i would cry to my mom i was like why are we still here she's like i don't have anywhere to go i don't have anywhere to she really didn't but it was three of us i feel like that's most families though yeah i feel like most families they're doing what like you know society says this is what a normal family looks like no matter how it looks like in the home

just hide it just show everybody on the outside that it's okay and then you'll be fine yeah but like fuck that i don't give a shit how i look on the outside to anybody as long as i know what i'm doing i know my integrity babies love you exactly babies are happy and they're like my mom's a badass so yeah i love that i'm so happy that you guys came here weies are happy. And they're like, my mom's a badass. Yeah. I love that. I'm so happy that you guys came on the podcast. Thank you. We're so happy to come. We're so happy that you invited us here.

Honestly, we're so honored. Everyone's like, I'm so jealous. I love what you guys are doing. Thank you. Please keep it up. We will. Don't ever change. Keep being who you guys are because the world needs more of you guys.

Thank you. Same. Likewise. You need Jelly Roll. Thank you. I'm mad at Daddy right now. You're mad at him pissed me off last night but we'll talk about that later um but no i love what you guys are

doing why don't you tell people where they can find you shout out your socials uh only fans we don't have it i keep making jokes about it but she won't let me hold on a second i'm just gonna throw this out there i'll teach you guys everything about only fans it made me a millionaire fucking i told you i was like do you know we don't judge honestly do you know i think that's amazing that's what people do like whatever no but you guys could if you guys just wanted to jump in and get a quick bag just let me know i'll help you guys out whenever you guys are ready bunny you know what when i'm gonna use that as like a safety net yeah if you guys ever need it just let me know yeah if you guys ever need it okay i'll be there for you um all right tell people where they can find you guys on instagram tiktok for the moment

they're both the same uh what's yours you could tell amber eileen underscore amber eileen yeah and mine's ria underscore d3 m-i-r-i they're both the same instagram and tiktok yes i love it let's talk about the wedding real quick we didn't even talk about the wedding yeah you guys have this fucking beautiful your fucking wedding dress i loved it thank you so pretty shout out to certi she's in um canada she reached out to me and she's like let me design your dress for free as long as you shout me out so she went through the steps with me she designed it from canada wow and sent it to me and it fit like a glove wow i'm like holy shit you could that's hard to do no because i just went through that for the cmas and it was your dress was beautiful by the way thank you it was very itchy it's gorgeous i know i love you jonathan i love you

jonathan it was an amazing it really was beautiful itchy as fuck um the wedding though like so the wedding was like i swear it opened a portal yeah so many people like my sister broke up that day after my wedding they either got divorced around that time or they got um married or they're getting married now because of it and i have the babies kelsey's having a baby there you go i feel like our love just was we felt it i mean if you were there you would have felt it too the energy i saw it on live it felt like i was there really i love that i really wanted people to feel that way because i wish everybody could have been there but it felt like you know the the love that we had in that the crowd so we only invited people who we thought

were going to truly you know support us yeah continuously we don't have family we don't have that much really yeah so you know so none of you guys's family was at the wedding i had a little bit of my i had one cousin my parents were not there my parents were overseas but they came the day after the wedding but they didn't really bother changing their ticket to come and my mom felt guilty but it could have been changed. But it was okay. Yeah. But the love that like radiated off of people, it was intoxicating. No, it looked like a blast.

It really was. We should do it again and then wait. Everybody. I want to be a flower girl. Okay. Jay wants to be a ring boy. Can you imagine? I would have, if dead ass, if we could do it again, I would do that. All over again.

You too. I'm holding you guys to it. If there's ever another wedding, I want to be the flower girl okay okay thank you guys so much for being here i really appreciate you guys thank you thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of dumb blonde i will see you guys next week bye what's up guys don't forget to sub to patreon so that you can see the visuals because not only do we have episodes of the podcast, we have exclusive content that nobody else sees on any other apps, behind the scenes, photo shoots, and we're dropping a whole bunch of surprising stuff this year. So if you guys

don't want to miss out and you want to be the first to know, go over to our Patreon, www.dumbblondunrated.com. Love ya.