Dumb People Town - A.D. Miles - Concussion Discussion

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

This week A.D. Miles joins the show!In Story 1, a hungry shoplifter gets caught. Story 2 brings us a drunk woman who isn't sure if she was stabbed and has questions about her son's future.Story 3 is the tale of a man with a backpack and no plan.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population to you. Population miles. Hello. A-D miles. Hello. AD Miles. I can't go for Miles.

And Miles. I can't go for. Miles is 80 Miles, one of our favorite people in the world, one of our oldest friends in comedy from New York. We all kind of started around the same time in the 90s in New York. 1890. 1890s. 1890s.

We've always worked with you on everything we've ever done. You were on Apartment 2F, your short film, which we used in, I mean, we used the short film. Didn't we use it in like Double Agents maybe even? I forgot. It was early on. Double Use. Double Usage. And then we used it on, I think.

It was an instructional film about sex. About having sex. Having sex. It was a 50 film about sex. About having sex. Having sex. It was a 50s instructional film. Letting you know the proper procedure for procuring sex. And what was so great is that the beginning was so 50s educational film. Your voice, your look, all of it. And then it quickly became modern, like super quickly.

But it was just so fun. It was really, really well done. And then on Cheap Seats, you came on a couple times. He played the, first he was the guy who reads the rules of roller derby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The men will go first. It was really stupid. The Monroe, no, you read the Monroe.

No, this is what it was. In Cheap Seats, In the roller derby, they had called something the Monroe Doctrine. Not the Monroe Doctrine. Yes, it was the Monroe Doctrine. The Monroe Doctrine is a real thing. No, it's not. Oh, was it? It's a real thing.

It does sound like a real thing. It is not. It was the Monroe Doctrine. And so we were like, we need to have somebody from olden times. My son just watched this episode and was going nuts. Unscroll the thing. And so you were that. And then in the Ryan Seacrest radical outdoor challenge, you played the guy who's like, radical.

Guys, don't be sadical. It's time to get radical. That was good. Your character name was Manny Trillo. Uh-huh. By the way, there was a second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies named Manny Trio. Of course. And so you, however, played Manny Trillo.

Radical outdoor sports. It just warms our heart. And then you've gone on to have a wonderful writing career. Sure. As well as a head writer on. I got to use all three of my accents on that show as well. That's right. Doing sketches on that, Tonight Show and whatnot.

Great experience all the way around. We'll talk more about what you have coming up. But you're here and we're trying to understand why the world is dumber. And why it's getting dumber. Or why it feels like dumb is getting louder? Is that feel? I think maybe, yeah, dumb is just getting louder. It used to be people were dumb in the shadows. Right, they stayed quiet.

Hey, don't talk to me. I'm dumb. I'm a little embarrassed. Now it's like, I'm dumb! Everybody listen to me! That's what it is! And so we get these stories sent to us. Dan has one. Dan, should we jump into one? Yes, jump into one right away. We're going to do something we've never done before, Dan, don't people tell him.

One person sent this in. It's a police blotter with three stories in it. Oh, nice. Yes. Try for three blot plot. One person sent in all of today's stories. So each story will, okay, okay, good. I love this.

The headline reads as follows. I'll read the first one. Okay, good. A shoplifter with plans. Usually when you shoplift, doesn't that feel like an impulse buy? Is a shoplifter, I'm going to take that. It depends on your desperation level. Right.

You might be like, I need some huggies. No, no, no. So this is the other day I'm with my five-year-old at Rite Aid. Okay? I go through all the other day I'm with my five-year-old at Rite Aid. Okay? I go through all the thing. I get this prescription. I go and get something else we need. We walk out to the car.

Hemorrhoid medicine. We walk out to the car, sit in the car. She goes, Daddy, look what I got. And she holds up like a chocolate egg. And I'm like, honey, we can't, you can't just take that. And she's like, go back in and pay for it? When I, I haven't been back. No. You haven't been back yet? When I go back just go back in and pay for it. I haven't been back. You haven't been back yet?

When I go back, I'm going to pay for it. I'll be back today or tomorrow. Oh, wow. But you know what? They're gouging me on my prices. All right. You're rationalizing stealing. Seriously.

And they also put it at eye level of a toddler. And I was like, honey, you got that and no one caught you? This is awesome. Let's get back in there and let's get some good stuff. Toddler lifted it. She's straight. You're my low shelf thief. Yeah.

All right. I'm going to have a problem with the receipt. You take as many Starbursts as you possibly can. Put them in your little pockets. I'm going to swing by this bonobo, scrape the mortar. No, but Dan, you can't get stuff in the bonobo. Yeah, we're going to get some slack. Shoplifter with plans.

These are my sizes. Okay, ready? Yeah. So these were sent in, all three, but the first one, as with the next two, were sent in by Trash Money at Rob Loves Beard. Trash Money. Yes. Rob Loves Beard. Johnny Trash money at Rob Loves Beard. Trash money. Yes. Rob Loves Beard.

Johnny Trash. December 11th. The shoplifter. We all remember where we were on December 11th. I think that is a date that we've all. Never forget. Yes, never forget. The shoplifter planned a full evening of entertainment.

A grocery store employee spotted him and radioed an off-duty Tacoma officer working a security detail in the 4500 block of South 19th Street. Put it on the walking tour. That's too many facts and not enough sentences. Too many numbers. Seriously. Also, this information better pay off. Yeah. All of it better pay off.

I will not. The left-handed police officer Left-handed? Does that mean anything? Why? Why? Why? Who suffered from insomnia wearing this in the middle of the night. Wearing a pair of aging rock boards. Wait a second.

Where do the rock boards... Also, they're assuming that you are using the title of this story as content for the article itself because it starts out with an indirect reference. A grocery store employee spotted him and radioed an off-duty Tacoma officer working a security detail

who currently has two mortgages. Stop. I've never needed cliff notes for one sentence. I know. Working a security detail on the 4500 block of South 19th Street. The shoplifter sat at a table in the deli section

next to a paper bag full of food he hadn't paid for. Okay, we did this. Not this, but when we were in Israel, we talked about this original thing. We were in Israel. There was a supermarket, the Super Saul. We went there, and we would get sesame sticks and bulk food, and we would get sesame sticks

and bulk food and we'd walk around the rest of the store. And do our food shop. Did you think you were in the wrong? Yeah. No, no. We knew it was wrong. Part of us knew it was. There's part of you that knows this is not right. Is it a pay by weight situation?

Yes. So you're eating the whey. They're not going to whey you. You should have to get wh get weighed as you walk in. And that would just simplify everything. All of it. Yeah. And it would fat shame some people into buying less fit. Yeah, exactly.

Right? Whoa. I hope you walk out of here with less of you. You came in. It's posted digitally up so the whole story can see. Some people walk in, get weighed, and leave. I'm wearing my shoes and my belt. I've got my wallet in there as well. Let me ask you this question.

Call in the backup restockers. I've been trying to work this bit out. How much do you think your shoes and clothes weigh? I can tell you exactly how much they weigh. Five pounds. Six and a half pounds. Really?

When you get on a scale, doctor's office scale, fully closed shoes. The dumbest thing you could ever do. I know. How much do you say, well, I'm actually- I usually go two to three pounds off. You go two to three? Yep. I weigh myself every morning.

I have 17. Do you really? Every morning, exact same time. You do? Yep. I wake up, I pee to get rid of the pee weight. Sure, of course. Get that pee weight out of there.

I jump on the scale, and I see what it is. Uh-huh. You know. Completely naked. Well, no, I have underwear on. Okay. That's about two ounces. I love that you looked at me like I'm an idiot.

No. I got my underwear on. What do you think? I don't walk around my own house nude. You think I'm an exhibitionist? I'm not some weirdo. This is in the 70s. By the way, that would be the time to do it.

That would be the one place that I would accept you to do it. And then what? And then you'd be like. And then what? And then I, it records it and it sends it to my phone to a little chart, a graph. You've got one of them.

And then, yeah. And then I clothe. Okay. And I go on it out by day. But how do you know it's six and a half? Because I'll weigh myself

sometimes after coffee on my way out, like I'll just jump on the scale and say, yeah, what's going on? Six, you've got six and a half pounds more.

So listen to me right now. I will tell you. And you're not wearing heavy clothes. I've always wondered this. Those are sabas. These are the bird. All birds. All birds.

So I will tell you something right now. My left shoulder is hurting me to the point where I need to see the doctor. Yes. But I will not see the doctor because they're going to weigh me, and I'm not happy that I will not see the doctor because they're going to weigh me and I'm not happy that I will be higher so I'm like let me be in pain for a few more weeks

how many people have done that I will not go to the doctor because I don't want the shame of being up around 179 they do it in stones so you don't even know I'm going to get in peak physical condition before I go to the doctor. It's like cleaning your house for the cleaning lady to come over.

Thank you. Or a cleaning man. Okay. Cleaning person. Cleaning person. Thank you. So they see the guy sitting at a table in the deli section next to a paper bag full of food he hadn't paid for. Which, by the way, for a guy, it all looks normal.

Because someone would be like, did you pay for that and he'd be like yeah i did sure but you know what i'm saying like he could answer that back but also imagine sitting here because i like the environment but imagine sometimes you bring in your own grocery bags and then you use those bags to carry your stuff around before you pay oh so he could be like i just sat down for a minute this is I haven't gone to the checkout yet. Right. But he's eating. I'm hypoglycemic. I need energy to shop.

I bet the reusable grocery bag thing has really upped shoplifting a lot. Thank you. Yeah. I don't know why I'm thinking it, but yes. All right. I watched a woman steal a bottle of wine at Gelson's in Franklin Village. And you didn't say anything? You're part of the problem.

I'm watching her, and she's got all of her stuff at the bottom of her cart, and there's a bottle of wine. This is what I imagine Dan said, even though he probably didn't do this. You everything okay up there? No. She comes out. She comes out. No.

One word response. You think they're joking. This is Dan. Okay, this is Dan in a nutshell. Aggressive, no. Everything. One word response. You think they're joking? This is Dan. Okay, this is Dan in a nutshell. Miles, this is Dan in a nutshell. She steals the wine. Dan watches the whole thing. She comes out with her cart.

And Dan, in one word, admonishes her and lets her know. He just looks at her and is like, ma'am. You're not far off, ma'am. So I sit there, and I watch her. Let's take a look inside that bag. I think to myself, Oaks is across the street. Maybe she brought her own wine in. She already paid for that.

You're giving her the benefit of the doubt. The cart is moving forward. She goes to check out. She goes through everything. She doesn't take the wine out of it. She then starts to walk away, and She is moving forward. She goes to check out. She goes through everything. She doesn't take the wine out of it. Okay. She then starts to like walk away and she's just a few feet away. I go, I go, you know, she had wine in the bottom of her cart.

And there goes, oh, that's why they were at. She kept asking us for bags. Like she was doing something weird. I'm like, yeah, well, she just like walked out of here with your wine. So then they go, we should get security. I go, well, get your security. Then I realized. This will be the time.

Security isn't going to do the job. No. So you have to. Oh, Dan. What did you do? Digital anti-justice. Dan, you have to understand that when he was younger, he worked at Marshall Fields as a like. Sweater folder.

No, loss prevention. So it's like, which is basically this. You stop people from shoplifting. So I walk outside. She gets into a Mercedes SUV. You're a shop assistant. What year? Probably like 2013. She's struggling.

She can't afford one. This is like almost six years old. Pre-2050. And she's like loading everything. This is an Obama era. 2013, no, no, no. But this is why 2013 is important. 2013 tells me it's not a lease.

Oh, yeah. There are no six-year leases. I'm running the wheels off this thing. It's the last car I'm ever getting. I can't even afford wine anymore. She loads everything I watch her. She gets in the front seat. Security still hasn't come.

So I walk over and I get behind her SUV. Oh, Dan. Your body or your- Yes. Yeah, me. She gets in the passenger seat because somebody's been waiting for her in the car. 2013, I don't even know if there's a rear camera on this, Dan. You're taking your wife and your own ass, Dan.

So then they see me in the thing and I go, stop, wait right there. Dan! Because I'm like, the guy might not know that she stole this. The guy was waiting for her. You're taking a huge risk. So I walk up to the window and I walk up and she's holding the wine up. Like a rifle? Like, look it, I got it.

I got it. Like showing the guy. And I tap, tap, tap on the window. And she goes, yeah. She rolls the window and I go yeah that wine they want to talk to you about it and she goes what I'm like the security's coming right now they want to just ask you about this wine because I think you forgot

to pay for it you made it in such a way like you might have forgotten you gave her the option of making a mistake she goes what and I go the wine that was in the bottom of your cart that you're now holding up I think you forgot to pay for it. Dan, your volume is going up.

The 2016 Rio Pop that you are holding, by the way, a little tart, a little tanny. Let it breathe. You don't want to decant it. You should have opened that a week ago. You know what that pairs well with? Paying for it. Right. I'll tell you one thing.

You decant pay for stuff. It's my favorite kids show about wine. You decant do that on television. She goes, what? And I said, you need to pay for it. So they're going to come and talk to you.

So then I just kind of step away. She rolls up the window. And they drive off. They drive off the window, and I hear the guy go, what? And, like, as it rolls up. And then I just kind of step back. I'm not in their way.

If they want to get crazy and peel out, I'm not. And I kind of step back away, and then I watch just the most lackadaisical security guards. Two guys just come, like, walking out of the thing. And I'm like, right here, right? And they're like, yeah. And she looks over. They just back out, and they pull away.

And I go, way to go, guys. A one mile per hour escape. We did it today. Now you're mad at these guys. Oh, I fired them. We did it today, guys. Way to go. Dan, you almost made a citizen's arrest.

Yeah. I was so annoyed with this woman. Of course, because. Way to go. Dan, you almost made a citizen's arrest. Yeah. That is great. I was so annoyed with this woman. Of course, because- Well, why though? Stealing wine. So, come on. What is she?

She's probably got her reasons. Jason's daughter? Uh-huh. What? She is- Maybe she is. Maybe she is. My daughter has only stolen wine once.

Yeah. Daddy, look what I have. And it was at my request. It was exactly what I had written down. It was at knee level. It was a Chilean El Diablo. At knee level. We're not drinking rosé. It's October.

Go back in there. Get your seasons right. What do you think? This is the summertime? Get it right. Eventually, the guy who had been sitting next to a bag full of food, he stood up and walked to the bathroom. He browsed the electronics section, came back, picked up the bag, and headed for the exit. How slowly did he browse the electronics?

You know, he's like, let me just, and he just stared at the same PlayStation game. I still like cassettes, he said to himself. I want a monster cable. I need one of them monster cables. The officer stopped him. Together, the pair walked to the loss prevention office. Yes, they did. Come on, bud.

Like they're friends. Come on. Come with me. Let's show you something back here. Let's take a walk. Let me show you something. The paper bag contained two bottles of soda, two bags of chips, a bag of fried chicken, and a serving of mashed potatoes.

So he's healthy. So he's healthy. Good meal. I'm not going to lie to you, that sounds fantastic. Mashed potatoes and chips? You put the chips in the mashed potatoes? A lot of starches. I don't care.

The man said he was hungry. As the officer frisked him, three DVDs fell out of his coat. Where did those come from? He had a whole night. He had a whole night. Dan, I wish you were sitting across from him. Sir, where are you going?

Sir, the man said he wanted to watch movies. He said he didn't want to use fun scenes. Wait, wait, wait. That was his excuse? Yeah. I'm sorry. I just want to watch movies. I just want to watch movies.

I believe it's America. Sue me. Hey. Sue me for what? Sue me for the cost of these three DVDs. Okay? Okay. He said he didn't want to use the funds he had because it wasn't enough to pay for what he wanted.

Why didn't you use the money you had? That's a pretty good excuse. It's very logical. I don't have enough. And you know he answered it in a way that trying to make them feel stupid. How come you didn't use the money? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I don't have enough money. Well, you got me there.

Give me your wallet. Give me your billfold. Maybe I will be able to pay for it. What do you think I didn't use it? Why don't we throw all our money together on the table and then we'll see how fair it is. The officer then found a bottle of rich and rare whiskey in the man's coat. Wait, no, no, no.

Is that a type? It's a type or it's an actual label? They capitalized it. Oh, okay. Rich and rare. It's an actual brand. Rich and rare, by the way, is my favorite country duo ever. By the way.

Rich and rare? And it's also my favorite comedy duo. Cheesecake and lukewarm steak. Rich and rare. Isn't there a rich in somebody? If it says rich and rare on the thing, it is not rich. No, no. Nor is it rare.

The officer found a bottle of rich and rare whiskey in the man's car. So I love that as far as this goes, more and more stuff is falling out of him. Yes, like the old Belushi shoplifting sketch. Yeah, exactly. The man admitted taking it. The store employee, well, of course you are. But it's all right. Rich and rare you got.

All right. Rich and rare. I hope he's like, hey, you stopped me for the bag. Whatever you found after that, you did not have probable cause for. There might be a smart bulb up my butt. It was only because I had a good idea. I've got a lava lamp in my shoe. There's a Himalayan lava lamp.

In my shoe. The store employee told the man he was being trespassed from the grocery store forever. That's forever. You're banning this guy forever? Or until that person no longer works here. Right. That's how this always works. How do you?

The man said he understood and signed a form saying so. They made him sign and never come back. that person no longer works here. That's how this always works. How do you... The man said he understood and signed a form saying so. They made him sign a never come back thing. I'm banned from pumping much forever. The officer booked the man to the Pierce County Jail in suspicion of third degree theft and a set of prior arrest warrants. We will leave on this.

How old do you think this guy is? Let's review. He wants three DVDs, rich and rare whiskey. He likes two bottles of soda, two bags of chips, and a bag of fried chicken and a serving of mashed potatoes. Okay.

Okay. So now you can't... Since you're our guest, you can go either first, Tig, or third. Tig is between me and Jason. Okay, great. I'm going to go first.

Okay. Because I'm going to go for the one that I actually think it is. He's a person who tells you, matter-of-factly, hey, I wanted to watch movies. He's 32 years old. 32? Yep. Okay. All right, think it is. He's a person who tells you matter-of-factly I wanted to watch movies. He's 32 years old. 32? Yep. Okay.

32. J.R.Ran? He's 39. 39. Geez. $1. No, don't worry about prices. It can be over. It's close. I think he's 26 years old. Okay. 26 years old. Nice. We're pretty grouped. Yeah, it's somewhere between us, Dan.

What? Is it between all of our ages? Oh, my God. We all ate it. So then I win. This guy could be 53, right? He could be old for sure, rich and rare. The man in the deli section with the bag of food who perused the electronics

and then just kept having stuff fall out of him. Movies and whiskey. He's still ambitious. Yes. He's got a little fight left in him. He'll tell you the truth. He's not going to bullshit you. It's because I don't have enough money.

This has happened to me before. Yeah. Get your answers in now, Tony. We'll close out the first of our three-parter from one person by saying the man is 75 years old. Oh, my God. That's right. Idle hands are the devil's workshop. I mean, also, what are you going to do to him?

Exactly. He's like, all right, cool, busted. I'm banned for the rest of my life. The next six months, I can't come back here. Thank you. I didn't want to come back here. That's story one. There you go.

80 Miles is with us. It's Dumb People Town. We'll find out what he's got going on right after this. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. We'll find out what he's got going on right after this. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Our guest is 80 Miles.

He's a great follow on Instagram. It's 80, the number, right? And then Miles, correct? Yeah, that's right. And zero Miles. And on Twitter, right? Same on Twitter? Same everywhere.

Yeah. Please follow him. I'm singularly branded. He is fantastic. He's one of the funniest people we know. Let me ask you, yeah, your years working and writing for daily TV. Yeah. How? 250 episodes a year.

Wow. Insane. Crazy. Yeah, I made 1,500 episodes of that particular format. How did that change the way you view writing or view writing jokes? It makes me a lot less precious. That's what I was going to ask you. Yeah, that's great.

That was one of the things that took away from the Gary Shandling documentary was when Leno was like, if I did what he did, I would go nuts because you have six days to get this right. We have to be like, that's good, that's good, move. And what's great about it is you realize there's no difference. So there would be things that we'd throw out the door and they would be sublimely perfect. Everything was great.

And there would be other things that you fastidiously honed and changed around, and then it would just be you got there, and everybody would be like, eh. I would say this to new UCB. Funny to us in the room. I would say this to new UCB and mod teams. I'm like, you'll get your name in the first three minutes. Yes. Because that idea is like, we got to keep working this. It's got to be like, no, whoever says triple- like, you'll get your name in the first three minutes. Yes. Because that idea is like,

we got to keep working this. It's got to be like, no, whoever says triple double, that's your name. There you go. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. But it's that preciousness. Comedy by the pound. You're not precious about it anymore. It makes it freeze you up a little bit. Yeah. That's awesome.

What part of your comedy writing got sort of honed the best through this whole process? Oh, I think it'd be responding to things that are in the news. You know? Like, I normally would just,

my comedy is all about basically just making up shit. Fake stories or whatever. But this is a way of actually paying attention. So, you mean the regular news as per our president? Okay.

Ouch! Hang on a second. I like it. That's the deal with the news totally yeah yeah so being a response yeah

paying attention to it which I didn't do before by the way amazing skill because also like your stuff before you kind of jumped into all this

character base like you come up as a character for like the whole set of comedy that you would do would be as but then all

you also told personal stories from your life that I would greatly exagger be as this person. But then you also told personal stories from your life. That I would greatly exaggerate. Right. Correct. The sex swing was one of my favorite stories. Yeah, there might or might not have been a sex swing.

It may have been a, what do you call it, solo flex. Solo flex. I was the asshole that bought a solo flex. Yeah. Oh, yeah. At least it wasn't a bow flex. Solo flex, even in the name, sounds lonely. Oh, yeah, totally.

You're the only one doing it. You're going to stretch some rubber bands in your basement? It's a solo flex. You pencil-necked asshole. I can't talk to people. I'm on my solo flex. Do you mind if I work out with you? Nah.

Don't touch my solo flex. No, no, no. Now I'm going to have to bleach it. It's called solo flex for a reason. I'm only allowed to flex when I'm alone. Get the do-lo flex. It's called a Peloton. That is amazing, though, that you just developed all that in that time and then sort of—

Gave all I could to the format. Right. Yeah. And then decided to come back out here, which I love. And you're back out here now developing your own stuff. Yeah. Working on it as you are. Yeah.

Selling things. Yeah. It's great. How's that? It's good. You guys know how it is. Yeah. You sell something.

You get excited. You want to close the deal. Then you want it to see the light of day. Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about that. You'll write it. To go from the immediacy of like, here's something. We think of it. We write it. We write it. It goes on TV. it. Okay, so to go from the immediacy of like, we think of it, we write it,

it goes on TV. To like, now I have to write this thing for three months and then wait for someone to give me notes. Oh, the notes. I love them. The feedback. It's always right. To family pictures. Almost all the ones you take are just going to end up in an album.

Oh, sure. Once in a while, one goes up on the wall. But you take are just going to end up in an album. Oh, sure. But every once in a while, one goes up on the wall. But you take a hundred that end up just in an album, in a book that nobody ever sees. So you sell this project, you're like, you guys putting this in the album? You're putting it on the wall. Because it seems like you just have a lot of albums.

Yeah. You can get caught up in it. I remember the very first thing I sold was something that I was going to be in. This was like in 98 or something. And there was a part of the contract that talked about how something that I was going to be in. This was like in 98 or something. And there was a part of the contract that talked about how much money I was going to get for every coffee mug they sold with my face on it.

Right. So I immediately go straight to, oh my God. I'm going to make so much money. I'm going to make so much money on the coffee mugs alone. And there's like, you know,

never sees the light of day. You never get to the coffee mugs. You don't get to anything. Guys, on coffee mugs alone, I should have a pool in my New York apartment. Let's start the construction on the pool. Honey, do we want the helipad to be retractable? I think so, right? I mean, the coffee mug.

This is coffee mug money we're playing with, guys. It doesn't matter. Do you know what happens if they turn this into a pinball machine? We are rolling in it. We can buy and sell children. Well, hopefully with our banter about dumb people and dumb things, we are rolling in it. We can buy and sell children. Yeah. Well, hopefully with our banter about dumb people and dumb things, we will be making something.

Sure. Yeah. I'm very excited. I told you I was jealous. I know. Thank you. It's like the best compliment you can give anyone.

You heard about our show and you're like, why didn't I think of that? Damn, I know. So that makes me... For you. You're here now helping us kind of go through this,

which I'm so happy that you're here. Very excited. 80 miles. Let's jump into the second of the three stories on the police blotter. Sent in by at Rob Loves Beard. All right, ready? Okay.

The launch had failed, and mom reminded her son one more time. So is this the male version of failure to launch? Is that a thing? Like, launch is get your kids out of the house? I've said this, Dan. Oh, yeah. You launch kids out of the house? I've said this, Dan. Oh, yeah. You launch them out of the nest.

How much of a better movie would Failure to Launch have been if McConaughey was the Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey in that movie? Losing weight and he had AIDS. Dying of AIDS. Like, losing weight. Just totally in it. I mean, now that's a better movie. It's a darker movie. Frail.

He can barely rock climb emotionally and physically. His best friend is a cross-dressing Skeet Ulrich. Okay. Sure. The dispatch call reported domestic violence. Two sheriff's deputies drove to the 1,000 block of Violet Meadow Street. Violent Meadow? I know.

Violet. One N away. They spoke to a woman who said the back of her head was hurting she thought Skeet Olric Jared Leto is not the same

Skeet Olric is the guy from Metallica nope Skeet Olric is not from Metallica that's Lars Olric god damn it Skeet Leto

Skeet Leto Skeet Leto is in Metallica by the way Skeet Leto is a great pen name or acting name or something Skeet Leto it's available to anyone Skeet Let, Skeet Lito is a great pen name or acting name

or something. Skeet Lito. It's available to anyone. Skeet Lito gives horrible advice. They spoke to a woman who said the back of her head was hurting. She thought she'd been stabbed

but wasn't sure. I hope none of you ever have to say that sentence in your life. You're living in a bad circle if you're like... If you've been stabbed in the back of your head.

And you're not sure. You're done. You're finished. Too many people in your life have knives. If you're like, I the back of your head and you're not sure yeah you're done you're too many people in your life have knives wasn't that like i don't know if i was this could be a lot of things it could be a head stabbing right it could be you know what that little bit of dandruff left the cupboard open stood up too fast i'll tell you what jeff needs a good head Head stabbing. This is going to be a cadmium bonking. Head stabbing or dandruff. One of the two. But just to say the phrase, it may or may not be a head stabbing. The confusion in that. You're living an interesting life.

You are. You're in a way more violent life than I've ever been. You're giving leeway where there is none. Sure. This next sentence is essentially the holiday decorations in Dumb People Town. Empty cans of Budweiser littered the living room. There we go. Someone just got married.

I know the intruders are coming in. The deputies guessed the woman had drained at least some of them. I love that they were like, we're not putting all these on. And drained. Because that means shotgun death. Drained doesn't mean you just politely drank it. That means you got a straw out and it was like.

The last sip did not just go politely down the throat. I drained it. And some of them. So they're saying like. There's some sloshy ones down there. She definitely drained. She had help. She drained some of them.

Some of them. Her speech was slurred. She said she had a few. That's my favorite. How many did you have? A few. A couple of few. How many did you have?

Well, not enough, obviously. I don't know how to... Few is... Oh, no, I can't count them. Yes, you can. I think I got seven in there. One, two, D. I told you I couldn't count them.

Ma'am, ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. No, you're doing letters. I'm doing letters. She said that she had argued with her son earlier. He was 28, still living at home. That's not such a big deal. What was he going to do with his life?

It's a great question. It's a great question. Yeah, but not one you pose to the police officers while drunk. That's true. Also a great question. Yeah, but not one you pose to the police officers while drunk. That's true. Also a great point. You're here to help them because she might be stabbed. How about you start helping me? What's my son?

Ma'am, how many beers did you have? And she's like, I got a question for you. When's he going to move out of the house? Okay, I'll send him beers I got. If you send him a week, I'll move out. What's he going to do with his life? He's sweating. All. Alright. At that point.

What? He's sweating it all. He's sweating his ass. You look just like Burt Reynolds. Did everybody tell you that before? Yes. I get that a lot. Alright. I get that a lot. Cowball run. Nope.

That's not the movie. That's not his best movie. Hey, Bandit, when's this guy going to leave? Stop. It's Longest Yard. If you want to talk about Longest Yard, I'll talk about it for a month.

I watched Smoking the Bandit, a little bit of it, this past week, this past weekend. How much gum was he chewing on every line? I literally said to my wife, I said to my wife, I'm like, that's our

Halloween costumes next year. That's great. I got the stash to make it happen. Here's the thing. Did she make up the stabbing to get them in the house to then get other adults to pressure this kid to get out of the house?

Was it all a ruse? First off, isn't this like a five-second investigation? Ma'am, turn around. Yes. No stabbing. No stabbing. Well, I guess when it says, what was he going to do with his life, she's saying what she fought with her son about?

I don't know. That's what they were fighting about. What's he going to do with his life? At that point, the son's girlfriend knocked the woman to the ground and hit her in the back of the head. So there's another person in the room? Yes. Oh, no, she's saying that happened before you got here.

So I got knocked in the back of the head by the son's girlfriend. I'm saying to him, you got to get it out. And then his girlfriend came in and definitely spoke to the son. She's just a small lady, by the way. And you know she got all the pronouns mixed up. And then her girlfriend came over and he hit her. Who hit you? I don't know.

The girlfriend hit me. They like they them, so it's hard to tell a story. The girlfriend hit me. Her arm was 75 pounds. And she could have had a stabbing thing in there. She hit me with a book, and the book had a knife in it. You ever

read one of them knife books? She hit me with a book about knives, so I got stabbed. Yeah, a rusty ice cream scoop. There was still mint chocolate chip in it, and it tasted good. All right.

All right. Oh, boy. Okay. Deputy spoke to the son and the girlfriend. The son, this is a sad and great sentence. The son said his mother always got brave when she drank and always harped on his failures. Yeah. I mean, that is classic. By the way, always got to when she drank and always harped on his failures. Yep. I mean, that is classic.

By the way, always got to be brave. Always got brave. To me, that feels like Ernest Hemingway talking about his own drunkenness. Yeah. This is when I get brave. They argued, and she trailed him down the hall. That was when the girlfriend stepped in.

Oh, yeah. Stabbed in. The girlfriend stepped in. Oh, yeah. Stabbed in. The girlfriend admitted it. She said she smacked mom twice in the back of the head with... And I'm going to tell you, as good as we are at improv,

you wouldn't have heightened to this. Rusty ice cream scoop. That's pretty damn good. Old pineapple. Calcified pineapple. And all. Commemorative plate. Hit them on the back of the head with... Frozen dildo.

A bottle of apple-flavored Crown Royal. There you go. Yes. These are classy people. Rich and rare. Gonna get it. Deputies checked the mother for injuries. She refused treatment.

They booked the girlfriend into the Pierce County Jail on suspicion. Suspicion. Gonna get it. Deputies checked the mother for injuries. She refused treatment. They booked the girlfriend into the Pierce County Jail on suspicion. Suspicion. Uh-oh, somebody's out of view. Someone's suspicion. Misdemeanor. Assault. Oh, my. That's story number two.

Ow! So, my question to you is, is the girlfriend living in the house with them? Because that, to me, feels like an argument. Well, a couple of smacks, to me, indicates feels like an argument. Well, a couple of smacks to me indicates familiarity. I gave her a couple of smacks. And you use the liquor bottle that if it breaks, no one's going to miss.

You don't do that with the Canadian club. You do that with the Apple Flavor Club. We don't do that with the Grey Goose. But here's my question for her. For him, does the fact that she stepped in and hit his mom on his behalf... Does that improve her standing with him?

Does she go from girlfriend to fiance with that move? Is that a bum-bum move? You always want your person to have your back. Stand up for you. Always have your back. Have your back by hitting your mom in the back. Yeah. Slack her around a little bit. Wow. Two smacks is all it took.

Two shots of crown roll. Slapped it around a little bit. Wow. Two smacks is all it took. Two smacks. It's like Randy Moss. Two shots of crown roll. My favorite, the craziest thing in the Randy Moss ESPN 30 for 30. Randy was in high school, got into a fight with a kid, and stomped on his neck twice. What? And he just stomped on his neck twice. And in the interview, because Randy Moss is now a Hall of Fame guy,

and he's an announcer, and he's got a career and everything. He just glosses over it so fast. I just stomped on his neck twice. And then I ran out of there. And I ran out of there. We're like, wait, wait, back up. You stomped on a man's neck twice?

Twice. Not just once. I just hit her in the back of the head twice. Yeah. With an apple crab roll. Love that. All right, story two. Story two.

Can you tease us with what we're going to be enjoying in segment three? in the back of my head twice. Yeah. Apple crab roll. Love that. All right. Story two. Story two. Can you tease us with what we're going to be enjoying in segment three? A man with a backpack and not a plan. There you go. A man, a backpack, not a plan.

So we had shoplifting with a plan and a man in a backpack and no plan. All right. Aiden Miles is with us. Story three coming up right after the break.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. up right after the break. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We want to remind people. We have to announce.

We have to announce. We have to announce. That at Moontower Comedy Festival we are doing a live Dumb People Town at Moontower. We are working on the guest right now, although we usually have two guests when we do it live. I believe Eliza Skinner, the great Eliza Skinner, who is fantastic and was fantastic on the show. She will be there. It is Friday night, 730 at 800 Congress, which is a nice big venue.

I want to sell it out. I mean, Austin is enough reason to go to Austin. Moon Tower is a phenomenal reason to go to Austin. Dumb People Town at Moon Tower in Austin. Absurd. Come on, friends. It's Friday, April 26th, I believe it is. That is correct.

26, 7.30 p.m. primetime. It's going to be a killer show. Come to that. And then we've got a bunch of other shows that we'll all be doing. We'll be doing it live again here at Largo. Yeah, Largo on May 7th. And we're working on the guests for both of those. We'll announce those as soon as we land them.

But I believe Eliza Skinner is the one. So there you go. Nice. All right. Ready?. So there you go. Nice. Ready? Let's jump back in. The car prowler tried to say someone gave him the backpack. The story fell apart quickly. As it would. This was sent in, believe it or not, by I believe it. It's the same guy.

At Rob Loves Beard. Thanks, brother. Every time. Thank you, Rob. The dispatch call came from 6800 block of 166th Avenue East near Sumner

cesspool I mean like put it on the walk-in tour I thought you were going to say the call I thought you were going to say the call

don't people want to walk-in tour I want that oh my god somebody somebody yeah somebody has made a map

right someone's made a map and pinned every location. This is where they found the dentures below that bush. You're not lying. That was with Pete Holmes. Yeah, no, I listened to it.

It's very funny. This is where the grease fire started in the dumpster in the fight. Yeah. I thought you were going to say the call was coming from inside the backpack, which is everywhere. Oh, that would be pretty good. The caller said someone was sleeping in his car in his driveway. Yeah.

Ah, so he left the car unlocked. Somebody needed a snooze. See? Dumb people tell them. Always lock your car. I get on my wife about this. I could take a load off. Lock your cars.

Don't be dumb. Honey, are you in the car? No. Someone is. Someone is. Every night before I go to bed, I put the alarm on inside the house. I put the thing towards the driveway. Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Yeah. Why not? Why not? How hard is that? Why not? It's part of my routine. It's part of my sleep hygiene. Then he weighs himself.

So we'll go out and do my nightly weighing. Nightly weighing. And then I'm done. And I'm like, oh boy, I'm going to sweat some off tonight. The weighing of 80 miles. That was a very good Mr. Burns. The weighing of AB miles. That might be my favorite one of yours.

Thank you. Nice, pretty good. Excellent. In the midst of the call, the prowler. Prowler really gives this person a lot of prestige. Prowler. Way cooler. Yes.

By the way, the snoozer. Right. Prowler and cat burglar are the same. Yeah. Yeah. But he's not prowling. Yes. The snoozer. Right. Prowler and cat burglar are the same. Yeah. Yeah. But he's out prowling. Right. Prowling connotes sneaking around a windowsill.

In a black turtleneck. In a black turtleneck and a mask. A lone ranger mask. Giving an apple talk. And a long sherman tap. And I'm just going to add jerking off. In the midst of the call. Oh, boy.

Prowling. You can see right in here. This window is askew In the midst of the call The prowler woke And the owner yelled at him The man walked away Carrying a black backpack There you get your prowler Little touch of prowler

But I love that He woke up during the call So that means the guy Went out to the car And stood by it Like yes I'm calling the cops now Like hey And the guy went out to the car and stood by it like, yes, I'm calling the cops now. Hey! And the guy's like,

deputies drove to the scene. They soon found the prowler walking on the side of the road away from the listed address. He was rummaging through the backpack. The deputies... So the backpack is not his. No one rummages their own stuff. What did I put in here? Oh, right. Yeah.

He just grabbed a bunch of stuff and then later said, well, let's see what I got. Let's see what I got. Hang on a second. I don't have that Hummel figurine. That'll add to the collection. Kind bar? What is that? What am I, at a comedy festival?

Kind bar? Only place you'll ever see kind bars. I know. And aqua hydrate water. Yeah. It's at every comedy festival. Do you have something? I take one bite of it

and it explodes in a storm of crumbs? Yes. Thank you. Because I want to walk on stage with this sweater. Have you tried this kind, Mark? Explodes in a

Deputies drove to the scene. Tornado of crumbs. I wish they'd said biked. They soon found the prowler walking on the side of the road, as I said, rummaging the backpack. The deputy stopped him

and cuffed him. The man. Hard to do to rummaging the backpack. The deputy stopped him and cuffed him. The man. Hard to do to rummage and walk. Can we give the guy a little credit? I hate that. He's rummaging and walking. And chewing gum. The great rummage walk of 2019.

For some reason, you have not put your keys in your pocket, so you're going through your stuff while walking to. Rummage walk 2000. The man admitted he woke up in someone's car. Like Sam in Quantum Leap. That's where I came to. I hope that they're like...

Because, you know, like, officers always love to ask that open-ended first question to see who hangs themselves. What are you doing tonight? How are you doing tonight? Yeah, I slept in someone's car. Okay? I never thought about that before. It's always like, how are you doing? How are you doing tonight? Yeah, I slept in someone's car. Okay. I never thought about that before.

It's always like, how are you doing tonight? What's going on? I hit her. Stabbing. I'm stabbing people. Seems to be bothering you. What are you doing? You got a branch through your ribs.

What? Does that hurt? Does that hurt you? As they're slow driving alongside of him. Wait, so. What? Does that hurt? Does that hurt you? As they're slow driving alongside of him. Wait, so... Did you hear the gravel under the tire? There's a motorcycle under your bumper. Yeah?

You tired? You a tired person today? The around the wave questioning. Dan, you're also talking to him like the way you talk to little kids. You know how they mess up. Oh, 100%. You need to him like the way you talk to little kids. You need a little water? Looks like your hand's on fire. You know it's on fire right now?

It hurts, huh? Does it hurt you bad? Cop to perp, same as parent to toddler. Parent equals parent to toddler. You having a rough night? Maybe when you stop crying, we'll help you figure out what's wrong. Okay. Are we going to cry about it, or are we going to use our voice and talk to each other?

Let's just get you in the back of the car until you settle down. Get up off the ground. Come on. Let's use our words. No, you can get yourself in the car. Oh, my God. Well, there is the moment where if someone catches you like that, why wouldn't you just say, I'm you from the future? And then there's a question as to whether or not, all right, what if you make seven bad decisions and you suddenly become me?

Right. And now you're getting the person thinking, well, what if they're right? What if there's a shred of truth in this? 3% chance this guy could be me from the future. So the deputy stopped him. He admitted he woke up in someone's car. He said he fell asleep there after partying at the house. Should have said a house.

Not saying there was a party happening in the same. The house. No, no. Is there a place called the house? Is that like a bar? Yeah, it could be. Could be. He didn't know whose car it was.

Some guy chased him away, which one I hope he tried to file a complaint on that guy. Yeah. Mind your own business. He chased him away. He was very rude. Yeah. Very rude when he tried to chase me away. He didn't ask me to get away.

No. And by the way, he used an aggressive tone. I would have gone straight away if he would have just knocked on the window and said, what are you doing? Deputies took the backpack. All the zippers were open. Of course. Have you ever found anything that's been stolen?

That's always how it is. Oh, yeah. Every single thing is open. It's all open. Because at first I thought that was weird that they noted that. Did you have time to zip it back up? You don't care. You're throwing this away.

You're taking it. You're taking it. They took it back to the address. The man identified it along with the black shoes inside, which means the guy watched him walk away with his book bag and didn't realize it. Well, no. He's like, cops will get it back. Cops will get it back.

That's a lot of faith. I'm going to turn this over to authorities. I'll let them deal with it. Quickly. Other items were missing, including sweats and a t-shirt. The prowler was wearing both of them. Oh, yes! And also, like, that's all they're stealing in these stories i know

it's not a lot it's just dumb a pack of paper napkins and a tabasco bottle from chipotle which you're allowed to take three hair ties a neon scrunchie in the midst of the incident the deputy spoke to a Sumner police officer who said the man had been involved in an earlier incident at a grocery store. Is this our guy? No way. Is this our guy?

No way. Dan, what if this is our guy? Dumb people inception. Oh, my God. This is our guy who wraps around. You know you're having a bad night when you've had a confrontation in a grocery store. Sure. And you're like, I just want to get some rest in someone else's car.

That's all I want. All I need is a sweatshirt. A sweatshirt, t-shirts. I need to rifle through someone's backpack and suddenly- Rummage. Rummage. Rummage rifled. No one rifled.

I hate to tell you, it is not our same guy. God damn it. But I wanted you to be able to live in Is the Cat Dead or Not for as long as I could. For a brief moment, I thought it was the same guy and I was really excited. Same type of guy. Thank you for letting us have that moment. I wanted you to. He'd been in an incident at a grocery store.

He'd been threatening people and ran into the street where a car hit him and he'd bashed the windshield. This guy's had a full night. No wonder he needed a rest. He's had a month's worth of bad things. He's just trying to get his watch back. If you get hit and you bash a windshield.

So did he get hit and bash the windshield? He got hit and he rolled up and hit the windshield. And he bashed the windshield, which makes me think. With his head. Yeah. He tried to jump off, but rolled up and boom and hit it. Bam. That could be your whole night right there.

Or I imagine that he got hit by the car, got up. Mad at the car. Blame the car. I'm walking here. I'm breaking your windshield now. I'm rummaging here. I'm in between sexually harassing women here. You know what, Dan?

It reminds me of people who come to comedy shows in New York, and you'll understand this thing. When you're in other cities, like we're going to be in Dallas, I don't know when this drops this weekend, but when we go to the shows, that's going to be the thing that those people are doing that night. They're coming out, they're going to dinner maybe. That's their plan. And the comedy show, and that's what we're doing on Friday night. In New York, you do a show at Gotham, and you got people who are there who are like, I went out to dinner

before this now I'm going to this then I'm going to this club then I'm going to this thing a late party right you're like thing two

in a four thing night so they don't have to care about how they behave at your thing no it's just one tiny blip on the evening one blip on a whole evening

this guy for most people you know sleeping in a car is their one thing that they do that night. Or getting hit by a car. Or getting hit by a car. Or harassing people at a grocery store.

But you're not out. And he's doing all these things. All of them. And going to a comedy show. And going to a comedy show. And ruining it. He killed. And not paying attention.

In fact, this guy just was on his phone the whole time. I made that show better. It's bothersome. Deputies asked the prowler about the incident. He said he remembered it, getting hit by the car. He refused medical treatment. Did he remember that from all the way a couple of hours earlier? Yeah, I know.

I can tell you when, like, a dog bit me in 1978. This guy got hit by a car earlier in the evening. Deputies guessed he was coming down. They asked him how he could have been sleeping in the car all day if he'd been at the grocery store earlier. The man said he was concussed. Well, that's a good card to play. By the way, great card. The man said I'm concussed.

I'm concussed. Which is a good sign of not being concussed. Yeah, I've never heard concussed before. I will use it for the rest of my life. Concussed. You want to get concussed, Ruby? I'll concuss you. I'll concuss you out.

Did you just threaten your daughter on our podcast? Yeah, I did. Ruby, you're going to get concussed, Ruby? I'll concuss you. Did you just threaten your daughter on our podcast? Yeah, I did. Ruby, you're going to get concussed. I'll concuss you out. What about the backpack? That's literally the next sentence. Okay, stop. The man said someone gave it to him. The deputies told him he'd been seen taking it out of the car. I hope you just go, I am

concussed. What do you guys want? The man said that that couldn't be right. Then he changed his story and admitted to taking it, blaming his concussion. Yes. As I mentioned before, I'm concussed. I don't know if you heard that part. You see my earlier statement on your report there where I highlight my concussion. Guys, it's fine if I tweak my statement.

Can I just do a couple of tweaks? Of course. I was concussed. This may be the concussion talking, but guys, I don't know what I'm doing here. As per my concussion, as per the concussion

discussion we were having earlier. Concussion discussion, though, is my favorite. That's my favorite schoolhouse rock. Concussion discussion, what's your memory loss? Concussion, concussion. what's your discussion? Concussion, concussion. He got hit by a car and bonked his head on the windshield. Concussion, concussion, what's your discussion?

Playing football in the NFL. Why am I in this room? CTE. The deputies took the man to his home where his parents lived. So they make it seem like his parents are living in his house. Dan, so story number three has elements of story one and two in it. Yeah. I think they might be double trolling us.

This is everybody. Story three was like, we're going to take all the things you loved out of story one and all the things you loved out of story two. Please tell me someone hit his mom with like a bottle of Crown Royal. The deputy took the man to his home where the parents lived and told him the incident would be forwarded to county prosecutors for possible charging decision, which means they arrested him on nothing. They just let the DA decide. Do you want to? This guy's going to run this guy.

Suspicion of rummaging. Yeah. Suspicion of rummaging. That's it. That's the whole. That's trespassing. All from one of rummaging. That's it. That's it. That's trespassing. All from one blotter. All from one town.

It's trespassing. You can't sleep in someone else's car. And he stole stuff. So there's... He's got two reasons. He concussed. He trespassed. He damaged a car, damaged property.

I would get him on criminal mischief just for the hell of it. Sure. That's always a fun one. He'll get you on What Are We Talking About? There you go. He'll get you on I Was Concussed? There you go! There's the show. Daniel, thank you very much.

80 miles again. Follow him. 80 miles on Twitter, on Instagram. It's a great follow. We do it. We're really excited for hopefully these projects that you're working on to come out and to keep having you. We'll have you back on this show. I can't wait to come back. It was so fun, guys. I love it.

And oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around.

Make a sound. When you're down, it's Dumb People Town. Star Bands Audio. Make a sound when you're down in Stump People Town.