Dumb People Town - Adam Carolla - Wrong House

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

Comedian and podcaster Adam Carolla (Beat It Out) stops by as Jason describes how an influencer who married herself is now divorcing herself, Adam explains how he once installed a closet in the wrong person's house, and how he got into comedy and the radio, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Mint Mobile and BetterHelp! Go to MINTMOBILE.com/DPT to get this new customer offer and your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month. Let the gratitude flow, with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail in Florida there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam with co-host our man Dan. Members, don't be a jerk, because when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down is Dump People Town. Look, Ran, I love a deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not gonna crawl through a bed of hot nails. Is it a bed of hot nails? Well, it's only a bed of nails. A bed of broken glass. gonna crawl through a bed of hot nails. Is it a bed of hot nails?

Well, it's only a bed of nails. A bed of broken glass. I walk on a bed of hot colds. I'm not gonna walk through a bed of broken dreams. Well, look, I'm not gonna do that. Just to save a few bucks? No, it's gotta be easy, no hoops, no BS. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless

for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan, we called them on it, turns out, it's true, really is that easy. You get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan. We called them on it. Turns out, it's true, really is that easy. You get wireless for $15 a month. The longest part, the hardest part of the process, was the time we spent on hold waiting to break up with our old provider. Yeah, to get this new customer offer

and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash DPT. That's mintmobile.com slash DPT. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash dpt. That's mintmobile.com slash dpt. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash dpt. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This month is all about gratitude. I wanna show gratitude to my wife, Amy Sklar,

who's been so supportive and amazing. And along with that person, I just shout it out, there's another person we don't get to thank enough, and that's ourselves. Very true. It's sometimes hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything and in this, let's say, crazy world, it's not always easy. So here's a reminder to send some thanks to the people in your life, including yourself.

That's right. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash DPD today to get 10% off your first month. That's better H E L P dot com slash D P T. Hey, Taddies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Corolla. What's up, Adam Corolla? Yeah, man. We've got you out of your studio and into our studio.

I feel like it's, I don't know, I feel honored that we have you. We brought you to an away game. I love being interviewed. I feel honored that we have we brought you to an away game. I love Being interviewed. I love doing other people's shows You're gonna have to carry the wall. You don't have to carry the full way you show up and just be funny I I've always been that way like you're on the scoring line You know we do the man show yeah and like sometimes it'd be like, oh, we're coming out a commercial

and Jimmy's gonna do the throw to the whatever. And then sometimes it'd be like, well, Jimmy did the intro and the throw and I'd go, good. Like we get paid the same. I, because my mentality is like a roofer. Like what if there's some prima donna roofer who wanted to do 80% of the roofing, but you stood around?

I'd be like, good. Dude, it was your role on Love Line in many ways. If you go back to that moment. It was, I mean that's for us pre-man show and you talk about like driving around and listening to radio or where you listen to radio while you're working or whatnot. And just, I would sit and listen to that show

and somebody would call up and be like, hello? And you would just be like, who touched you? And it was like, that? Which uncle? That you would just be like, which uncle? But having done it for so long, your insights into people just by the way they, I was like, this is brilliant beyond belief.

Let's explore. If you see people, if you see anything, you get a lot of information and it's not always great. Because sometimes it's like George Clooney looks like he can fly an airplane. Totally! But he can fly an airplane. Totally! But he can't. No!

But if you told a nine year old, if you took Lou Pearlman, who may have had a pilot's license, Backstreet Boys, good. Uh huh, sure. Okay, you took that guy. And you took George Clooney, and you said to a five year old,

who's the pilot? Who's the pilot? They all point at George Clooney. But if you closed your eyes, and you just heard them talk about flying airplanes Then you get more information Okay, so when you do Loveline you do radio show or anything you put the headphones on you don't see anybody right and you hear and you listen and you listen

And you listen Times thousands of calls. And what you don't realize or what I never thought about is people start to sound like who they are. Angry people sound angry, racist people sound like angry, gay has its own sound, guys who work with metal have their own sound and guys who work with metal have their own sound. And people who are molested have a sound just like a truffle sniffing pig.

I could smell it out. But it's also like if you look at people, if a guy's gay, you can sort of see it. And if a guy is angry, you can see it on their face. If a guy is gay and angry, you can see it on their face. If a guy is gay and angry. Oh man. You can't actually see that. That's something no one can detect.

So, but if you're talking to the right nine-year-old, they would look at Lou Pearlman and George Clooney and be like, Clooney doesn't fly his own plane, but he has his own tequila company. Yeah. And that's really about the nine-year-old. That's an insightful nine-year-old. That's an insightful nine-year-old, That's an insightful nine-year-old,

and that kid, get him to Vegas and start betting with him. Well, listen, we're gonna get into all sorts of stuff, but we have the story sent in by our great fans. You can hit us up on Twix at SklarBrothers at Dana Van Kirk, hashtag Dump People Town. That's we know who sent it. Let's jump into the story, shall we? This was sent in by a guy named Jason at BTTFH.

I don't think he's ever sent it to me. No, thanks, Juice. Thanks, dude. Thanks, buddy. All right, here we go. Here's the headline. Influencer who married herself a year ago says she's now divorcing herself. Can't, no.

I mean, if you can't live with yourself. Well, the good news is you only need one attorney. Who is somehow still gonna fuck you over? You're still gonna get fucked because the way divorce works is your attorney fights the other attorney and then it's jacked up. The attorney even says to you like, look, I know you're gonna wanna talk to yourself about this

and you're gonna think that you and yourself can figure this out without me. Trust me. Do not do that. I've got bad news, they don't wanna cut a deal. What? Who's they? Me, other people in my office.

Yeah. I wanna be there for the deposition. So do I. Sorry. Here we go. I wanna be there for the deposition. So do I. Sorry, here we go. One year ago, Brazilian influencer, Sulin Carey, made the decision to marry herself. It's a practice known today as sologamy. Sologamy.

Is it a real thing? Well, it's not a real thing, but it's a thing people are giving a name to. Adam, you get an invitation for someone's wedding that they are marrying themselves And it's a destination Yeah, what are you doing in that instance right there? Well, they would have to be registered at Pier one In an Instagram post you shared on September 21st, never forget where you were on 921.

I will never forget. Cari, 2023, Cari shared photos of herself in a London church wearing a traditional wedding dress. Why is she wearing a wedding dress? Yeah, she couldn't wear it. Why is she wearing the tuxedo? Couldn't wear the tuxedo? It's gotta be happening.

Because everyone wants to be a bride. No one wants to be a groom. Yeah, she should have. Nobody wants to be a groom. No one dreams of being a groom as a child. No. Why? You'd have to go to the tailor that Kelsey's mom went to

for the jersey with the eagle. Yeah, that's right. To get the gown and the tux, right? She didn't want to do that. Half tux, half gown. Half tux, half gown. Oreos of London. They do a great tailoring job.

They do, half tux. See, my feeling, look, not a critique of your show, but let's not give crazy people a platform. Well, I don't think we are. I just feel like there's people that, this guy Steve buried a pumpkin. And now he's dating a pumpkin. Our goal here is to crush this woman.

I know, but we used to just call these people mentally ill. Sure. And now they're influencers. She's a Brazilian influencer. Yeah. Which means she doesn't influence anyone on the right or the left, just right down the middle. Brazilian influencer.

That's right. All right, here we go. She's wearing her traditional wedding dress. Yes, public, I am sologamous, she explained in the caption time. Over time, I discovered and understood what I wanted. Today, I value and love myself. I married myself here in London.

She's basically taking herself out of the pool of marrying in London. By the way, it was a destination wedding. London. She's in London. And if she decides to date other people, eventually she has to say she's a divorcee and she divorced herself.

By the way, Clooney, back to Clooney. Let's get back on him. And marriage, I have a son, he's 18, I have people listening, have sons, he played it perfectly. He waited. In the marriage department, which is, he got married early and divorced early

before he had anything, right? Then, once that little three year experiment goes south with no alimony and no possessions given up. No kids either, right? No kids, then you get to bang your way through Hollywood with the excuse of I've been married once, babe. I know. It did not go well.

I'm not ready for that again. So you just plow half of Hollywood for 30 years with the excuse of I'd like to settle down but I've been burned. I've been there. I've been there before. I can't go back. We all don't want to go through another three years. And he made it clear publicly I have no interest in getting married again. I'm not marriage material. But without that first quickie fake marriage you can't use it as an excuse. Only person who may have played it better, Derek Jeter. Yeah. With the gift baskets?

Gift baskets, no involvement, no one could claim anything of Jeter if he was like, this is one night, you're walking away with it, you're walking away with a party favor. Hundreds of dollars from Bath and Body Works. You got it all! That's right. I mean, you got bath bombs.

No one is going home and taking it. I'm giving away bath bombs. For anyone who doesn't know, we're not making this up. Yeah, no, that I do. There was no one to give gift baskets to late into the night. To his one night stands. Yeah, yeah. That's, I mean, who can argue with that?

I bet people slept with him just for the basket. It was like losing Wheel of Fortune in 1988. Yeah, you still get something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A parting gift. Yeah, you know get something. Yeah, yeah. A parting gift. Yeah, you know, that's a hell of a lot better than Drake does with his one night stand, if you think about it, in his Tabasco.

Probably in a lot of ways, probably. So here's the thing about Drake, and I was trying to figure this out. This is the thing? Among many things. Great actor. So Kendrick Lamar destroys him. Like, essentially.

The song was so good. The song was great. It wasn't even more than the diss. It becomes a banger, but no, no, Dan, it's more than that. And the song comes on stage at his pop-up LA show, but all these like rap luminaries and they're all hammering Drake and destroying him. And to me, it's like if Gordon Ramsay,

if you wanna make, you know, Kendrick Lamar, Gordon Ramsay, if you want to make, you know, Kendrick Lamar, Gordon Ramsay, if Gordon Ramsay took a shot at In-N-Out and made, and he had a big thing, and everyone who loves Gordon Ramsay and fine dining was like, yeah, you gave it to him, but guess what? There's still a line at In-N-Out. My son who's 16 doesn't give a shit

about what Kendrick Lamar did and loves the Kendrick Lamar song and still loves Drake Oh for sure. So it's like big deal. You punched a dent into the bean in Chicago No one knows it. No one cares. No one you do that my friend. We're gonna have you got what I did. I Almost envious of his Drake's dad. Yeah that Jewish guy? No, was he Jewish or not? Was the mom Jewish? I have no idea. He's awesome.

He's got a little Joe Jackson in him. Like, looks like a- Might have hit him a couple times. Carnival Barker from the turn of the century. Levar Ballish. Kind of scary mustache guy with too much jewelry, like a pinky ring and stuff. Is he wearing makeup, Little Richard style?

Yeah, Drake's dad's the guy you gotta keep an eye on. You gotta watch out. Keep an eye out on him. Maybe Kendrick should have gone after Drake's dad. You went after the wrong guy. Okay, what if Kendrick and Drake squashed their beef and the two of them go after Drake's dad? That would be good.

What is the beef though? Like I don't get it. So the beef was that Drake said, we're like the big three and included himself and Kendrick and somebody else and it was like, we're the big three. At that time. At that time and Kendrick was like, no you're not. You're not, you're a poser.

Like you go down to Atlanta to get street cred and whatever, he's like, I am from the streets. I am from this thing and you are not. So is like calling into question his like a lot. I don't care about any of that shit. I don't either because I'm like the music is the music. So is like calling into question his like a lot. I don't care about any of that shit. I don't either because I'm like the music is the music. Nobody in Creedence Clearwater Revival was born on a bayou.

I don't care. When Neil Young went after Leonard Skinner. This is that. I mean he's gotta go into concerts and do his things. Then Sweet Home Alabama was a response. I hope Neil Young will remember. I remember. Southern man don't need to run anyhow.

What if they squashed the beef? Like, what do you say then? I'll tell you who should have the biggest beef ever and never really materialized is the Gatlin brothers. And the Statler brothers? No, the Gatlin brothers were exclusively called out and named in Coward of the County by Kenny Rogers. Jesus.

Because in Coward of the County, if you follow the lyrics, which I do closely. Sometimes it's good to turn the other cheek. He has Becky, that's the Coward's young, now his dad is in jail for killing a guy over a fight. So his dad says, promise me you'll never fight. You won't end up like me. And he goes, I won't.

I'm a cautionary tale. And because of that, the town knew him as yellow. Yes. Okay? Which by the way, is that an Asian slur? I don't know. Weird you even use that term. And Becky.

This is the clip. Becky loved him closely. They're very tight, but he wouldn't fight with anyone and never thought he was yelled at, but it's because his dad was in prison for killing a guy. Well, Becky went into a bar without the coward of the county and the Gatlin brothers came to town. And then Kenny goes, and there were three of them,

and there are three Gatlin brothers. And he toured with the Gatlin brothers, and then the Gatlin Brothers proceeded to gang rape Becky. Terrible. In the song? In the song. Terrible. This is like when I found out what

Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town means. I will break that down. That song is so messed up. It's like The Accused. This is The Accused. This is Straw Dogs. They took turns with Becky. Oh, stop it.

This is all in the song? Yes. Yes, it's all there. And then the coward of the county showed up to the bar, saw what they'd done to Becky, and he shut the door. And all of a sudden, he put his fists up. Right, he's like, this is it. I don't care if I go to jail.

I'm breaking what my dad's bond was. I'll go to jail for this. My life is basically not involved with this song, but I would still be the guy at the bar who just wanted to have a beer and watch the rest of the Lakers game while all this was going on. That would be me. I'd just be going, Jesus Christ.

I'd just get out. I'd just want a Michelobol. Jesus Christ, I'd just be drinking in the parking lot. I just want to watch the rest of the Lakers game and have a beer. They're putting Brody in. I just want to see if he gets a home. I just want to see a rest of the Lakers game and have a beer. They're putting bratty in Without all the gang raping and the retro song about a father and son You're not allowed to walk into a public bar and lock the door. I gotta go back to my hotel

If you're not doing this on stage We said this to your face you You and David Spade, you guys both think in fully formed comedy bits. Spade does it too, where he's just, he'll say a whole story and you're like, are you doing it on stage? And he's like, no, I just said it. I'm like, do this, please!

You have to do it, guys. You're doing this, I remember the first, it was two years ago, Benny Mardonas has a song called Into the Night. Oh, it's the worst thing ever. And no one ever paid attention. She's just 16. That's how it starts. She's only 16. She's only 16 years old.

Leave her alone, they said. They said. So someone warned him. Yes, and then it goes into him saying, sneak out of your house, we're gonna go into the night. The video is her, Emma, outside her is her am outside I know a magic carpet 16 years old leave her alone they said they say they say it could be one society one person identifying law enforcement me faculty everyone at the factory,

everyone in the 10th grade. That's all of us. All of us. And that dude was like 33, 35 years old when that song came out. Dude. Yeah, there's songs like this that you hear. He was like.

No, no, it's called Statutory Rape Rock, and there's a whole album of it from the 70s. It's terrible. It's great, it's great. Well, anyway, Becky, yeah, so, but's great. Well anyway, the Gatlins. Becky, yeah, so, but the whole point is, is I interviewed Kenny Rice. I've told this story before,

I never thought about it from the perspective of the one guy at the bar who just wanted to finish. Which is hilarious. He got into an argument with his wife, he just wanted to blow off a little Steve. He keeps looking, he goes, guys, guys, guys, can we? Can you take turns somewhere else?

Now the bartender's involved and I can't get a re-up on my beer. That's right, that's right. God damn it. So I interviewed Kenny Rogers and I said, did you have to name them the Gatlin Brothers? And I said, how many Gatlin Brothers? He goes, no, there are three Gatlin Brothers.

I toured with them. I go, didn't that kind of piss them off? I was like, well, their mom was kind of pissed at the country music awards. She came up and I'm like, you didn't, you could have called them the Johnson boys, the Marconi brothers. You could have called them anything, anything.

But not had to go with the Gatlin brothers. That is, that is insane. And again, it's like- Old school country music beef. I love that. Okay. All right, back to the story. Oh yeah, she married herself. Carrie calling her wedding one of the happiest days of my life and hoped her journey to self-love

was one that would inspire other people. However, the happiness she felt nearly a year ago is now gone. Yeah, she should date herself for a while. I know. Find out if you're the one. I feel like she rushed into it with herself too quickly. There's nothing wrong with being like,

you know, I'm really happy with myself. I love myself. You just don't need to bring everybody, this is like gender reveals. Don't make a federal case about it. You don't need to make a whole thing that everyone has to be aware of. You need to start a six million acre forest fire

to tell me that you got a son coming. Yeah, yeah. You don't need that. All right, so, but I, I had this idea once, which is, along the lines of the gender reveal, I think they should do everything like that. Like are the Menendez boys gonna be paroled?

Or are we gonna find out? Yeah, if you're standing outside the courtroom, guilty is yellow and green or red. Green or green. Green or red, but let's make everything a reveal. I think we can do it with like airplane smoke so that everyone in the city at the same time can find out.

Yeah, like dunking a basketball and then it turns into. It's to me, I think the lack of pyrotechnics in concerts post-Great White means that people aren't getting it enough in their lives. So they're trying to put it in their own. Our society needs a good ooh and ah. That's right. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I think the sphere is done away with the pyrotechnics. I mean, come on. True, that's a great point. Light a wick and ah. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I think the sphere is put a done away with the pyrotechnics. I mean come on. It's a great point. Light a wick. Yeah. It's like big deal. Okay, in an August 30th interview with Amir Akher reveals she's divorcing herself, calling it her only option. It reveals that self-analysis reflection is essential. It's crucial to know when to end a cycle. Even commitment to oneself can hazard its challenges such as dealing with the expectations of being perfect. Is she still gonna live with herself? I realized I was putting a lot of pressure on myself and that sometimes left me exhausted.

I understood that even a marriage with ourselves. Wait, is she, it's not youing, it's meing to herself. That's what she's doing. No, she said, it's not me, it's me. It's me. Literally. It's me. It's me.

Look, you're great, but I'm not. No, look, I'm great, but I'm not. I'm great, but I'm not. Look, I'm wonderful, but I'm not good for me, right? I don't want you to be in this. In a world where- We both want the same thing, and that's the problem here. Where your pronouns can be them.

Yeah. Then this kind of makes sense, right? There's a group, okay, got it. I understood that even marriage with ourselves Where your pronouns can be them. Yeah. There's a group. Okay, got it. I understood that even marriage with ourselves is important to accept our imperfections. Despite her divorce, Carrie doesn't regret her decision to marry herself. I realized that my solaginous marriage was a process of healing and self-discovery, but I also understood that personal growth can lead us in different directions. I've decided that now is the time to open my heart to new possibilities, including. Other people? Yeah, other people.

So, just cheat on yourself. I mean, you just kind of have an open relationship. Yeah, she should have an open relationship and keep it open. No, it's weird. Everybody in like civilized Western society acts like they're the only people who've ever had kids or ever been in a relationship.

Everybody has kids, everybody shit out a kid, the worst people in the world have kids, everyone was a baby at some point, and everyone's been in a relationship. So just shut up. It's not that unique. You didn't win, you know, listen, you win the 24 hours of Daytona,

the 12 hours of Sebring, and Le Mans, in the same year, we can talk. You shit out a kid not interested. My mom shit out a kid. She wasn't a great woman. There was no form, there was nothing. And she didn't wanna marry herself. No, that's it.

I mean, look, we do comedy about our kids. And when the whole crowd laughs, you're like, well, we've all experienced it. There's a reason why people are, we're doing observational humor, stories about our own kids that everyone can relate to, i.e. we've all done it. Yes.

So this person. Story number one. Story number one. I tell Kenny Rogers based jokes mainly. So I don't do the He was in Vietnam and couldn't walk anymore Ruby wants to have sex And I know for you it was a gamble to do Let's take a break when we come back more Adam Carolla and dumb people town is fantastic

And we'll find out what we have going on and how you can support him. All that stuff. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into the great Adam Carolla, how you can support him, enjoy him. Where you gonna be boys? And everything. We should let you know that we are going to be at the Flyover Comedy Festival in St. Louis doing our Tagged show on the 15th, which you would love. You should come and do this show that we do.

You do your set, we're on stage. While you're doing your set, writing tags that we then pitch you on stage afterwards. It's so much fun. It's collaborative. That's cool. It's really fun. And we did, so.

Do you have any local ones on the books? So we'll do one in December at the store. December 5th, if you wanna come. If you're around, come and do it, December 5th. Is that a Thursday? Thursday night. If you're around and you're in town, we'll do one in December at the store. December 5th if you wanna come. If you're around, come and do it December 5th. Is that a Thursday? Thursday night. If you're around here in town, we'll text you. But gonna be a fun show and I love the store. It's in the main room.

We sold it out last time so that was a blast. I'd love to do that. What do you do? I got a bad tag the other day. Oh yeah. Oh, it's someone's skin. From an opener. Yeah, oh.

And it wasn't bad. You know what I got? I got a lateral tag. Yes, you're like, okay, that's, all right, let me think about how I can kind of work that in. I might try that, are you like, that feels a lot like what I've got going, but thank you for the pitch.

And then you just move on and you never do it. But are you like, he's gonna then pitch you more? Oh, well, you guys tell me, because I'm open to tags, and I try to not go, are you reflexively pushing off just because he's given you one or is his, but you guys tell me. Okay.

Because it happened to me last weekend in Covina. The guy I opened, nice guy. And by the way, I don't mind the effort of attacks. It shows you care. Someone paying attention, right, exactly. Right, I said, I was doing this P-Diddy joke. So basically the joke was, the latest is he sits in the corner and pleasures himself

while people were going at it in the bed. And I said, he's pleasuring himself, but how come when I do it, it's called beating off? That's right. Sure. And so, and then I went into this riff about, it was actually kind of funny. The riff is, you know, beating off to pleasure yourself,

pleasure yourself to beating off is what cuisine is to food. It's the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How fancy do you wanna feel about it? What brothel is to whorehouse. That's right, right. But you'd much rather your wife catch you

in a brothel eating cuisine and pleasuring yourself than in a whorehouse eating food and beating off. That's right. That's a problem. Same activity. Same activity. Different verbage. Different verb. Different perspective.

And so he said, why don't you do jacking off? No. And I said, it feels weaker. Beating off feels. It's not as funny as a word. It's not as funny. Right, right. I said, I didn't want to go, you're wrong.

I just went, I think the idea is what he does is noble, and what I'm doing to myself is debauchery. And I think beating off is better than jacking off. So that was a lateral punch up move which I jacked. I actually think it was below. I do too. I'm trying to beat the CK ruins the fluidity of that line to me.

It's too much of a hard sound. Beating off keeps it funny. I trusted my instincts. I can tell, and then if I may tell what I think is probably the difference between pleasuring yourself and beating off is probably a silk robe. Yeah.

Okay, if you're in that, you're pleasuring yourself. I can see Rodney Dangerfield now. That's right, he would never. There you go. All right, so we'll be doing our Tag It at the, we'll do it again on December 5th at the store. Sorry. No, it's okay.

Our silk robes are designed for perverts because. They open so easily. They just fall open. They fly open. It's already falling open. You zip ties in a staple gun and keep them closed. You tie it in a sheep shank knot and walk across the room. It'll still fall open.

Where's this terry cloth? And by the way, it's whole. It catches. Terry cloth there, the fibers catch. Also, the silk robe sort of flies in the face of the job of the robe, which is warm and snuggly and absorbent and stuff. It's like wearing a trash bag.

Silk robe is meant to come off. That's what I'm saying. The second it's on, it's off. They only work when they're on a person you want to see take it off. It's meant to fall off. And comfort wise, you're like a UFC guy trying to cut weight. Right?

It's not comfortable. Or you're like sliding all over the couch. Yeah, so it's only for perverts. Only for pre-sex takeoff. Okay, that's it. There you go, there you go. Speaking of pre-sex takeoff, you can see us at the Sheldon Theater in St. Louis. St. Louis on the, go to supersclarge.com

for all of our dates. We're going to La Jolla Comedy Store in the end of January. We're going to Sketch Fest in San Francisco doing our two-man show up there. So all that stuff, supersclarers.com, check that out. Adam, people can check you out, your podcast. Yeah, you and Jay Moore have a new show. Yeah, you and Jay Moore.

Oh yeah, Beat It Out, which is sort of like. Speaking of. I thought it should be Jack It Out, but that's fine. Yay! No, but it's like the punch up show. Yeah, you guys. And that we just sit there and bring up premises and try to work out the premise.

And then when we work it out, I then announce I'm doing it on stage. And then he says, don't do it. It's never gonna work. And I'll give you, I can give you an example. First a hypothetical. Is anyone ever taken a photograph of a Asian woman in a terry cloth robe?

Because I don't think I've ever seen that. I think you can scrub the internet and you would never find a depiction of an Asian woman in a terry cloth robe. It has to be silver. Also back to your comfort thing. When you eat, just you saying terry cloth robe made me feel comfortable.

Yes. Because it is so effective. It's soft. At what it's supposed to do. It's like this is what we're supposed to be doing here. It's like a hug. I bought myself like $130 robe the other day from like the robe comfort store in Malibu.

And I by no means think I'm worth $130 robe, but I use it every single day. And it's the best thing. You feel great. There's certain stuff a baseball meant. Don't get a vinyl one. Get a good one. You'll have it your whole life.

Which goes back to our first story, little bit of self love. And here's the thing about a robe. How long you wear it after your shower or whatnot determines how much you've given up on your life. If you're willing to have that thing on for an hour to an hour and a half, post shower, I will say this.

You're on your way to Howard Hughes. I wear a robe every morning. When I go downstairs to make breakfast and lunch for my kid, I just put on the robe and it feels great. I have a waffle robe that just feels great. I only ever lived that robe life at a hotel. It's like a really nice hotel. A good hotel. They give you, the robe life at a hotel. It's like a really nice hotel. A good hotel.

They give you, the robe at the hotel is medium to small all the time. There is one robe, yes, it is meant for a 128 pound woman. And every time I try to climb into one, I can't touch my face. It's the only time I feel dainty. Yeah. It's like.

You're like, I guess I'll just be, this is my range of motion now. I have slipper advice for your audience. Okay, let's hear it. Let's hear it. Don't get the slippers with like the rubber sole. Right. On them, okay?

Because it is a slippery slope. Slope, yeah. Because the thing about the slippers is you put them on and you have the same proclamation. This time, I'm gonna keep them nice. Keep them nice. And then at some point you go, oh, the mail's here. Okay, but I'm staying off the lawn because it's wet.

And then the next thing you're going like, well, I'm gonna pick up the Jersey Mikes, but I'm only gonna be out of the car for a second. And then the next thing you know, you're going to work, funerals, bar mitzvahs. You're just wearing, now you're just wearing slippers. You're outside. Don't, you cannot, here's the deal.

Don't get the rubber salt. If you get the leather salt, you won't, yeah. No, the leather salt's like a mess. So our story about the slippers is, Ranny and I did, when we did Entourage, Mary J. Yes. No, the leather. So our story about the slippers is Randy and I did when we did entourage, Mary J. Blige was on the show. She had her own entourage and we realized that she did not have a no man, which we've always said this in our stand up. You

need one no man in every entourage. Just on the payroll telling you don't do that. Should I take this underage girl into the bathroom? No. Ben Roethlisberger? No. Hey, how about I have sex with this woman in the Perkins waitress? No, Ben Roethlisberger? No. Hey, how about I have sex with this woman in the Perkins Waitress in the church parking lot. No, Tiger, don't do it. Hey, back to Ben. I just got myself a new Kawasaki and I hate helmets.

Hey, Ben. Don't, don't, no, no. Put this on. Ask this guy, don't do it. So Mary didn't have that. How do we know? She shows up on set in the slippers from the hotel that you're not supposed to go out of the hotel.

So that means she went through her whole entourage without saying, hey, Mary, you gonna put on shoes? Put some shoes on. I don't think you're supposed to walk those out of the hotel. Yeah. All the way onto the set in those slippers. The best moment about that whole thing

is that on the show, Jason played Jeff, and my character's name was Jim. Very important to remember this. Jeff and Jim. I was Jeff, Randy was Jim. At the end of the week, I didn't want to bother Mary. I said, hey, it was really nice working with you, big fan, thank you for all your work.

And she looked at me in the eye, she was very touched by it. She put her hand on my shoulder and she's like, thanks Jim. And I said, it's Jeff. I really couldn't double connect. You can't double correct the woman. I could only just be like, I don't want to correct you. She might have thought it was a real agency. She was playing herself correct the woman. I could only just be like, I don't wanna correct you.

She might have thought it was a real agency. She was playing herself in the show. We're like, no, we're actors playing these things. I'm not an agent. We're playing agents in the show. All right, so the name of the podcast with Jay Moore is Beat It Out. Beat It Out.

Love it. And so. Where is it? Where can they? It's on Substack, but I guess you can go to Amcrawl.com for all this. I have a premise. Yeah, well let's hear it.

And if you wanna know some of the stuff, Jay goes fine, that's funny, and then he, this is a joke that he specifically said do not do it. Okay, let's hear it. All right, let's see if we can do it. Or see if we agree with him. We agree with a lot of him, what he said. He's good.

He's amazing. He's very good. And it's a weird joke. I will grant you this and I do it some of the time and it gets a mixed reaction. Okay, good to know. But I think, can we agree that certain jokes are for laughs and then other jokes are like for appreciation. Like, how did you think of that?

Sure, yeah, right. Just like some running plays, you know you're going up the middle, you're gonna stuff it, and it's gonna get stuffed, but guess what you're gonna do the next time? You fake that play action, they bought it, and then you get the pass. Mike and Baker bite.

Yes. And then you toss it. You toss it, okay. So I'm watching the Bon Jovi multi-part doc on Hulu or whatever it is. watching the Bon Jovi multi-part doc on Hulu or whatever it is. And I'm watching, now there's a Bruce Springsteen one that's out now, right? And so it's all Jersey talk.

We're the kings of Jersey. And I love Bruce and Bruce loves Jovi and it's Jersey, Jersey, Jersey. Which we don't have in Valley Village. Just like people hang their head, I from North Holland and we leave. No cry, no cry. No yell about up in 818 or any of that it's never in the house. Yeah we just hang our heads, shuffle out of the room. We love driving up Kester. Nobody says that. Kester till I die. They don't say it. It's Van Nuys Sherman Oaks Park. Okay, so, Joe V, John by Joe V's being interviewed. And at some point, he's got gray hair, he's getting old,

he doesn't know if he can keep rocking. Sure, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis. And his voice is going bad, right. And he says, I may have lost my speedball. And I'm like, why did he say speedball? He meant fastball. He meant fastball. Speedball is cocaine mixed with heroin.

I think, yeah. And so, I'm looking at it and I'm just watching it. Like, why? And then I go, oh, he's from Jersey. And then he's brought up Springsteen 20 times. Springsteen in glory days. Throw that speed ball by ya. Throw that speed ball by ya.

Which always make you look like a fool, boy. And I was like, everyone from Jersey says speed ball when they mean fastball. Because they don't have a baseball team. They don't have a baseball team in Jersey. That's why. That's why. So, so I'm like, well wait a minute, but Joby's a huge fan of Bruce,

and he's a rock guy, so he doesn't know anything about sports. Nothing about sports, no. Maybe he learned the phrase from listening. Sure, glory days. From glory days, so then, as the joke continues, I think to myself, do they flip it around? When they mean speedball, do they say fastball? And part of what the joke is, is I go, I'm from LA.

You lose your speedball, that's a completely different thing. Party's over. You get stabbed by pimp. You know, so then my fantasy. River Phoenix is dead. My fantasy was to find John Belushi, oh John, I just stepped on it. I wanted to find Bruce in a party

and say what killed John Belushi. Yes. And then he goes, Cuba, fastball. And then I'd go, fuck it, I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. John Belushi. Yes, and then he goes Cuba fastball Then the weird part of the joke that I never tell us I go then as I was walking away I'd hear him say he was crowding the plate Crowding Time Anthony Rizzo It's weird I like it.

I like it. It's weird enough. It's weird enough. I love it, Daniel Gohm. Okay, here we go. Sent by Liz Haggerty, at Liz Haggerty. This is from back in March. Okay.

Confused headline is this, Confused Traveler Mistakes Strangers Home For His Airbnb. Whoa. Oh my God. How does this not happen more often? All the time. I was thinking about this yesterday. People just walking in.

I put a closet, installed a closet in the wrong house when I installed closets for Always Better Closet. No way. Wait, was the house supposed to be left open and so there was no one there? Or the person was so dumb, they're like, yeah, come on in, we'll take a pause. They weren't there.

No, well it was a perfect storm because if they weren't there, I couldn't have got in. It has to be. No, okay, it was a perfect storm. Back to Valley Village. It's unbelievable. It always is. I grew up on, I grew up on Hartsuk Street.

Yeah. Yes. And then, 818. My house was there, I went to high school on Hartzook Street. Yeah. Yes. And then, 818. My house was there, I went to high school on Hartzook Street. One street over is Otsego Street, and that was my first apartment. Okay. And then I also rented a house with a bunch of dudes

in North Hollywood on Otsego. Okay. So then my boss, Tom at Always Better Closets in Burbank, hands me this invoice and he goes That's what ABC stands for? Always Better Closets. And then he hands me the invoice and he goes, you know, this is in North Hollywood, you know, and I look at it and I go, oh, that's my street. That's where the disc and the...

There you go. That was it. You put it in on yours. And I was looking at the Thomas Guide or whatever and I was driving over there. And somewhere between Burbank and North Hollywood, the My Street moved from the one I grew up on to the one I was living on.

Oh God. And so then I went to the exact same address on your living on street, not the one you grew up on. Not one over. Oh, God. So, I knock on the door and I got my tool bags and the closet, you know, and the Spanish, as we used to call them, housekeeper, babysitter, answers the door. And she's like, you know, gay?

And I'm like, yeah, I'm still in the closet. And I just kind of walk past her, you know, gay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm still in the closet. And I just kinda walk past her, you know? She's let me in. You know enough Spanish to be courteous. And she's not questioning you. And she also is like, I can't know. She doesn't know all the business of the house. Somebody scheduled the closets being stuff, you know?

So I know it's going in the master bedroom. Oh my God. And I walk into the master bedroom. And I open the closet door and it's filled with clothes. Of course you're like these people didn't do anything. We always tell them clean the closet out. Clean it out. They know to clean it out. There's a guy a block over being like I can't believe I got to clean everything out. And so I take everything and angrily throw it on the floor, because I didn't sign everything.

I don't care about it. Craftsmen chairs. Pull all the stuff out. Now, you also have to understand that all these ranch valley houses, they're all cookie cutter. Same bedroom, same bath. I understand if this isn't you,

you're also talking about how serial killers scope out their victims. Yeah. You're in this house. You're basically talking about the mindset of the Golden State Killer. I had, they all have that same wooden pole, just called shelf and pole.

There's a pine shelf, one by 12 at the top, a cleat going around, a pole, flags. They're all nine feet wide and three feet deep. And so I go in there and I demo out the old closet. And I start, and I install the new closet. Now what we would do is it all kind of put together and then the end part we'd cut on site. If it was an inch this way or an inch that way.

So fit tight. And I installed the closet, went to the bathroom and installed a bathrobe hook. We used to do those too. How long is this whole process? A couple hours. That wasn't a big job, but it was two, three hours. And I install everything and I'm ready to leave

because that's what I would do. I would install and leave and he would invoice and bill and whatever. That was none of my business. There's one particular job, it's the only time it happened, my boss said, you gotta collect a check. Give him the invoice and collect the check. I never did that before, it was always their business.

So I install everything, I throw all the junk in the truck, I'm all loaded up, and I go in and I say to the Spanish maid who's holding an infant, I go, you know, I need the money. Now, is there a check? And she's like, no, no, no. And I'm like, I need the check, this is the invoice. And I'm told you had a check.

And she's like, no, no, no, no. And I'm like. And she's right? And I'm pointing at the address and like the invoice and I'm going, yeah, yeah, this is for you. And she goes, no, no. And she takes a piece of mail. Yeah.

And holds it next to the thing. This is after you finished. That's after I'm done. And I go, yeah, yeah, one, one, seven, five, two, hearts. Oh. Oh my God. And she sees my face. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she sees my face. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's like, she's holding the kid and she starts panicking and she runs into the kitchen, starts dialing the phone, right? And I'm like, oh shit. I run back out, grab the cordless drill, put it on reverse. And I just start backing out. Oh my God, you do everything. You take everything off. Back it all out. Oh my God, you take everything off.

Back it all out. Oh my God. And then reinstall the old one. I could do it in 10 minutes. Oh my God. Of eight minutes. I was backing it out, carrying it out to front. Loadouts were always faster than loading.

Yeah, I just backed it out. Did you hang everything back up? Oh no, I fled. Oh my God. Did you leave the hook for the rope? I think I took the rope. You took the rope, I fled. Oh my God. Did you leave the hook for the robe? I think I took it all. I took it all and I jumped in the van and I left. And I went to the right address for the now angry woman.

Where are you? I came and I remember walking up like sweating. Oh my God. and she was like Hello, it's supposed to be here at 845. It's noon, you know, and I was like, oh my god, you won't believe what happened She's like, I don't want to hear what I don't just put the stupid closet in I cleaned it out you know and it left and That's it. Oh my god and and and that Lady that maid had to explain,

the homeowners came home at some point. And she had to give them a version of what happened. Someone came in. Hopefully she knew where everything went in that closet. Yeah, that's right. Well, the closet was gone now because I took the pole. You just took all your hardware out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you gotta demo out what is there,

she had an empty space with holes in the wall. This person's gonna find you now and demand the closet. You're gonna get written up. You are gonna get written up. I demoed out the existing shelf, I recall Shelf and Pole. It was like the hangers with the bottom. Yeah, no, the shelf right above it. Demoed out. Oh my God. I was like the hangers with the bomb holes.

Demoed out. Oh my God. I think that's story two. There you go. I'd say we have that story too. I like it, I love it. I love that. I love it.

That was better than what we got. I was thinking, but I was thinking last night for some reason I was thinking about that crazy story. I can't. It's such a crazy story. And that is such the thing that happens to a young person who's working like out in the field on their own doing something. Oh yeah.

That's just it. And at a time when there's no cell phone, you can't FaceTime someone and be like, is this the right? No. This is a bygone era. You're talking about Thomas guides and trying to find streets in this way

where you don't have Google Maps. It's a bygone era of that time. It's the era of if you were going out for drinks that night, you let people know that day, and then they had to show up. Yes. There wasn't a like. Yeah, unless they called and checked their answering machine to see if you called and changed.

Right. That's right. We're here. This is where we're gonna be. And then you gotta be there. I got such a good story coming up on this after this. Give us a little tease. It's just about a relationship that's gone wrong

and the things people will do to each other afterwards. Oh, great. It's such an in the moment thing. It's a recap to story one. Kind of. All right, we'll take a break. Adam Carolla's with us. We'll find out what Dan's got going on after the break.

It's Dumb People Town, Don't Go Anywhere Dumb. Don't go anywhere dumb. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Look, I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I am not going to walk through a bowl of flaming guacamole to get it. A bowl?

Just a, I'm not gonna walk through any bowls to get it. I just want to. Won't that be just one step into the bowl? Well, I'm not gonna walk and step into a hot bowl of guacamole, and just to get that, it's gotta be easy, Jay, no hoops. Yes. No BS.

So when Mitt Mobile said it was easy to get a 15 wireless, excuse me, wireless for $15 a month, with the purchase of a three month plan, guess what, we called them on it. Turns out they're right, it's really true. It's really easy to get wireless for 15 bucks a month. The longest part of the whole process was waiting for, waiting on line,

or on the hold for a provider to come. And to break up with the old provider. So here's the deal. Look, we're looking at all areas of our lives. How can we have basically the same thing that we have right now but be spending less? This is one way. This is one way to keep yourself.

We've done it. Keep your number. We're on Mint Mobile. It's easy. It's very easy. This is a very simple process. And then you say to yourself, wait, oh, I'm spending so much less right now

to be doing what I'm doing anyway. So listen. And I know how it works. To get started, go to mintmobile.com slash dpt. There, you will see that right now, all three month plans are just 15 bucks a month, including the unlimited plan. Boom.

All plans come with high speed data, and unlimited talk and text, delivered on the nation's fastest or largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan. Bring your phone number along, that's what I'm saying. Nothing's different. It's your same phone, it's your same number. You're just spending less money.

Find out how easy it is to switch to Mint Mobile and get three months of premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month to get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash DPT. That's mintmobile.com slash DPT, cut your plan for just 15 bucks a month go to mintmobile.com slash dpt that's mintmobile.com slash dpt cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash dbt 45 upfront payment required equivalent to 15 dollars a month new customers on first three month plan only speeds low slower above 40 gigabytes on a limited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply see mint mobile for details This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

I wanna take a quick moment and shout out our mom, Annette Sklar, and just have so much gratitude for her. I wanna shout out DVK. Hey. Hey. Thank you for being an amazing partner. I have so much gratitude for all the hard work you do on this show. That feeling is mutual. And about how you support us and how you raise

all level of our comedy always Come on, man. I mean that goes excuse me that I literally got choked up. I'm not crying. I somehow got choked up Yeah, that was the goal That goes both ways times a thousand. So love you guys, too. I want to I'm gonna shout out I'll shout out My mom yeah, because that was nice for you guys to do that as well, and I just don't want to get an angry letter. So, no, she's the best, she's great.

We communicate and have fun together and hang out. We went and saw a movie together last time I was home, and it's just great to do things with her. She raised you all by herself. Serves a lot of credit. It's fun to shout out other people, but there are moments, and BetterHelp tells us this, that we gotta shout out ourselves. Yes. You know, I worked out twice this is, it's fun to shout out other people, but there are moments, and BetterHelp tells us this, that we gotta shout out ourselves.

Yes. You know, I worked out twice this week, I'm gonna shout out myself for that. Daniel! It's hard sometimes to get yourself into that gym. So either if sometimes you are in a relationship and your life, if you have kids, you guys are just all hammering away and focused on that,

you don't get a second to be like, hey, I'm doing all right. I love that BetterHelp tells us to do that. That's what therapy does. If you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule,

like what Jay was just saying. We get so much other things going on in our lives. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So let the gratitude flow even to yourself. To better help, visit betterhelp.com slash dpt today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash D-P-T. Stick around, make a sound,

there's more than a people town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show, The Great Adam Carolla is with us. Got a new podcast called Beating It Out With. Beat It Out With Jay Moore. Is it Beating It Out or Beat It Out? It's jacking it out. Like I did to that closet bro.

I know, you jacked that thing out. You jacked it out of there. Yeah, beat it out. Beat it out. Beat it out with JR. Take harmony premises and we do what you guys do on stage. I love it. And his podcast which we have done and love.

It's just fantastic. It's the grand daddy. It's like a phenomenal riff fest mixed in. I'm gonna remind, we guest hosted, and you have been nice enough to let us guest host that show which we have done with great pride and joy. In the same room I we guest hosted and you have been nice enough to let us guest host that show which we have done with Great pride and joy. Yeah, same way. We've guest hosted Jim Rome's radio show. It to me feels very similar You got a very die-hard audience got great staff and both of you guys two icons in the in the biz have never said to us

Hey, can you do this a little differently? Both of you are like just do what you guys do. We appreciate it. It's adjacent to what we're doing and we've always appreciated it. Well you guys are great in that format. I love it. Thank you. God bless it. Alright, Daniel, before we jump into this, tell us about it.

Go to danielvankirk.com. I'm headlining Thursday, November 14th, the Flyover Comedy Festival. St. Louis. Get tickets for that show on my website. Watch my movie Wine Club. Watch my special Rose Gold. The Nottle Special. Get tickets for that show on my website watch my movie wine club watch my special rose gold And then you can listen to my podcast the midnight air right here on all things comedy and the first Wednesday of every month is my show over share comedy stand-up show. We did it. Yeah, you guys are late It's over by Cantor's on Fairfax first Wednesday of every month over share comedy. Everything is at Daniel Van Kirk Let me ask a philosophical question.

Sure, sure. I believe as a comedian, it is your civic duty to roll with like premises, which is what you guys do and why it's always a pleasure to sit down with the rollers. But there are a fair number of comedians who do not roll. That's not in their body. And they just deny. And I find myself arguing with them on my own show, going, why are you, no, I'm just saying,

and they're like, I'm sorry, I'm not doing it. And it's like, we're talking about a hypothetical, we're trying to do comedy, and you won't go anywhere near, yes, you'll go near what I'm talking about. And I never wanna speak to you again because it's difficult. Sometimes with those comics I'm like,

are you afraid you aren't gonna be funny if you haven't had a full day to think about this? So they'd rather take the air out of it or not give into it because it's some sort of fear that they can't jump into the double dutch. And I was like. I'm not gonna say who it was, Dan, on this show, but we've done episodes of this show

that are like 32 minutes long. Right. And you're like, how can that be? This should be at minimum 45 minutes, probably an hour. Right. Because we say that when we do these stories, everyone has a steering wheel. Go where everyone.

So if you go, oh, that reminds me of something I thought about yesterday, like you just did with us. Which you let us do on your show. It became the story. If we start going with something, you're jumping right in with us. You're not just like, all right, you do your thing.

And so yeah, we've had people over the years where you're like, have you never driven a car? When I say everyone has a steering wheel, like get in here. It is, it's, you know, it's one thing if an orthodontist has leanings toward denial. Yeah. But comedians, it's a weird thing as a comedian. And there's an alarmingly high number of them

that just argue, and it's the, I got no argument, I won't say his name, but I was saying, I don't know, it was a story about airline prices or whatever, and I just go, look, the bottom line is, it's all about weight. That's why they weigh your bag. If it's over 50 pounds, you got to whatever.

And the reality is, is we subsidize fat people who fly because everything, the ticket's 89 bucks for the Pixie and for the heavyweight, it's new. And it's all just jet A. And the reality is, is we should all just be weighed in the Ticket price it with our luggage. Yes. It's just it's just it that's that's the number you get and he's like, how's that fair? How's it fair? How's the ultimate fair? Well, and he goes well who's gonna fly that airline? No one's gonna fly that I said women all women would fly the airline because I

70 pounds more than my girlfriend and she would get a cheaper ticket than me. Also what a nice little motivator for someone. Fly with your little kids for nothing. By the way, Ozempic needs to come up with an airline and they lose money. Then he goes, well people would game the system. How? You step on the scale, how do you, you put your bag on the table. I have a merch bag I travel with, how do I game the system? For anybody who thinks that it becomes a fast shaming, I'm gonna go the other way,

because you need a certain amount of weight distributed on the plane and things like that, especially with assigned seats. So you can end up in a situation where they go, we need 300 more pounds on this weight. That's right. And if you are at the airport and you are going there, they might go, hey need 300 more pounds on this weight. That's right. And if you are at the airport and you are going there, they might go, hey, if you switch to this flight, we're going to fly first class.

Fly first class. You can fly for 20 bucks. We'll give you the ballast rate. Because when you get on a flight, if any of you guys have ever done it, I've done it a couple times where they go, there is only 40 people on this flight. You can't all sit in the front. That's right. And they will say, we have to distribute.

So it could go the other way where you find out like, oh my God, they're having a big guy deal on the flight I wanted. They need me. I'm flying spirit. You want me on that flight. You get me on that flight. Or every once in a while they do the, we're overweight,

we gotta throw off a piece of luggage. Or one fat guy, come on. And then so I said, how are you going to get? He was 20 minutes into shooting down my point. You wouldn't budge, budge. And I was like, it's how are you going to game the system? And he goes, people put like sandbags in their pockets. I go, that's bad.

Heavy. It makes it worse. At this point, you're just a dog who's biting his own owner because you're in some sort of crazed denial phase where you're just saying, you're just yelling no. You're not even making sense now because you're just yelling no and everything because you decided that this was,

and also a lot of it is they think it's offensive or something so they go, I don't wanna go there. And it's like, if you don't agree, there's ways to build. You don't understand the game. I can't, you don't understand the game. I have a question for you, because as you were talking about working, sort of building closets and other stuff like that, I don't think

we've ever asked you this. Breaking and entering. Breaking and entering homes. No, at what point were you like, I maybe should try going into some sort of form of entertainment, whether it be radio or comedy or whatever. Like. How did you transfer?

Yeah, like where was it all of your friends. Was it all your friends who were like, dude you tell the best stories or. At what point did you feel like, all right this is it, I'm just curious because I've never asked you this. I was, even my apartment on Hartzuck or on Seag right, this is it. I'm just curious, because I've never asked you this. I was, even my apartment on Hartsuk, or on Sego, wherever it was.

And I was probably about 22, 23, and I'd been swinging a hammer for like three years, and it was dirty and dusty and kind of dangerous, and low pay, and I was getting nine bucks an hour and driving a beat up pickup truck. And I was just kind of looking around and I was just kind of going, what kind of life is this? See, I didn't have a union job like at a studio

as a carpenter. If I had a job with some benefits and some days off and some golden time, I'd still be there. I would be there. I had no insurance and the kind of construction I did, you didn't get paid for Christmas. So we didn't work Christmas day, but we work a half day before Christmas,

take Christmas day off and then show up the day after Christmas because no one could afford to not get paid for three days. There was no dental, there's no medical, there's no nothing. If it rained and the job site got all rained out, you didn't work. And you didn't get paid.

The other good part is they didn't hassle you that much. Like if you didn't show up, you just didn't show up. They're like fine, you don't get paid. So I was like okay, what is this? How are you going to raise a family? How are you going to pay support kids? How are you going to own a house? How are you going to do any of this? You're just sitting around. And then there was like, people go, well, you get your contractor's license, you get a few trucks,

but you get your tools ripped off. You get, you get stiffed by vendors and stuff like that. And homeowners, it's, it's a bitch. And I was just like, what are we doing here? How's this gonna be? And so, I was like, all right, what are you, 22, 23? I didn't have an education. I knew I couldn't work in a white collar environment. I barely scraped through high school.

I wasn't gonna be a lawyer. Right, right. I wasn't gonna be able to work in an environment, like in a professional environment. I didn't own a jacket, a tie, you know. I didn't know how to make a resume. It was all off. So I was just like, look, let's be honest.

What do you do here? And I go, well, you know, you're good with your hands. You can build houses, all right, that's something. That's good for 28 grand a year. And you have a sense of humor. Not because anyone ever told me you have a sense of humor. Not because anyone ever told me I had a sense of humor, not because anyone ever said, write that down.

I grew up with a bunch of idiots from the valley who played football and fought. That's all they did. No one said, oh, you're a regular Oscar Wilde, aren't you? They're just, shut up, I'll punch you. And I would sit around every once in a while and I'd go, what's the difference between a couch and a sofa?

I mean, same thing with a drape and a curtain, and they'd go, I don't know, shut up. Watch the game. Meanwhile, that's a good joke. You know? That's a good joke. They would just tell me to shut up. No one cared, my parents never said anything.

So, but I knew, I was like, I have a sense, I know I have a sense of humor, but like you know if you could sing, you know, but you wouldn't know you're paid to sing. So I was just like, all right, what are you? You're 22, okay, what do you got? You got roommates, you got a crappy apartment, north Hollywood, drive a truck, you make no money.

Okay, you don't need to make a bunch of money by the time you're 25, But by the time you're 30, it would be nice if you were working indoors, like had air conditioning, and there was a snack bar or something in a bathroom, not a porta potting, you didn't eat off a truck back when eating off a truck sucked. And I wanna move indoors and get a little air conditioning.

And I wanted to like collaborate, you know? I worked with guys who, you know, I always said every construction site in LA is 15 Mexicans and three racists named Mike. And that was it. That's all you had to talk to. Half the people I worked with didn't speak English, another half did not.

You didn't want to speak to. Yeah, didn't want to speak to them, you know? So, you know, they'd be like, oh God, I gotta get the kid and the old lady this weekend. We're going to the river. You know, it was like a lot of that, you know? Yeah. Because they got a new pipe on the jet ski.

Yeah, okay. Okay, so what about the orthodontia for the kid? I can't afford that, but I got the kirk on the jet ski. Yeah, thank God you souped that thing up. Yeah. So I was like, okay, what do I do? I don't know anybody, there's no show business where I'm from.

No connection, yeah. I know a girlfriend, a friend is a girl from high school, I know her dad is a composer for the music industry and her mom does something artistic, whatever. Jews. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome. I go talk to Danielle Chakin's mom, Judy, and I'm like, you're artsy something, right? Like what do I do? And she goes, you should go to the Groundlings and take a class at the Groundlings. Brilliant woman. What is that? There's this place on Melrose where people do improv and I'm like, did you just make it up as they go?

And she goes, yeah. And I go, oh, I could do that. And so I go down and watch like a Friday night show. And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, this is where I wanna be. And so I just signed up for Beginner's Groundlings class. And I was like, you know, I was probably making 275 bucks a week and the Groundlings class was 300 bucks, you know.

But there I am, like on the job site, you know, all day. And at night, me and Cynthia Seghetti are down at the Coronet Theater doing, you know, trying to lift a giant manhole cover with eight other people. And I just kinda slowly learned, but I was like, look, you're 22, but by the time you're 30. Indoor.

By the time you've gotta be indoor. You don't have to have a TV show, you don't need a microphone, you don't have the camera. I never thought, oh, you're gonna be a celebrity. I didn't think any of that I just thought be indoors if you could be indoors Success to you and have some kind of job like writing funny greeting cards or something just getting paid to be creative being paid Not only that but literally getting paid not to move things. Because my whole work was, I worked at McDonald's, then I worked at a liquor store where I just stocked boxes,

then the construction site, I just take that drywall and put them over the plant, then move that plywood. It's just literally, I could sit and get paid. I've never had that job, and I would get paid for my ideas, not my back. And that was really the only goal. That's success. And if you would have handed me a contract that said,

I'll pay you $42,000 for the rest of your life, but you can work in door, I would say, give me that. Give me that, I'll take it. Give it devil, I'll sign the ship right now. That's crazy. So I just, I went from one, you know, and when I was done with the groundlings basic, they were like, well, you're funny,

but you don't know what you're doing, you don't know where to face, you don't know how to close your eyes on stage and stuff, you don't know how to act or anything, so they go, take an acting class, and then we'll let you take the intermediate class. And I go, all right, where's the acting place? There's a place on Ventura.

I go, okay, there's another 200 bucks I didn't have to the acting class, and I took the acting class, and I came back, and I saidura. I go, okay. There's another 200 bucks I didn't have to the acting class. And I took the acting class and I came back and I said, now I gotta do intermediates. I said, okay, and then did the intermediates. And they passed me on to Writer's Lab in advance. And then I got booted out. I didn't make it into the thing.

To the final. You know, I was like trying some open mics and then formed the ACME comedy. I was just kicking around. But it introduced you to that world. Yeah, but now I was just kicking around. But it introduced you to that world. Yeah, but now I was weeks away from my 30th birthday. Oh Jesus. And it hadn't worked out.

I'd done some open mics, I'd done plenty of sketch, plenty of group improv, very well trained. You know, I was a fighter who was trained and never had a match and never got paid. All I did was train. And I had good hands. But I never got a purse. And I was about three or four weeks away

from my 30th birthday and it was weighing on me because I'm living in a house in Lacrosse, rent a house with three dudes and no heat and driving a Zuzu trooper. There you go. And and it's not working, right? But I did manage to make myself a boxing trainer during the morning and then I've still a carpenter in the afternoon and I kind of was and then I was still a carpenter in the afternoon. And I kind of was quenched a little by the boxing because I got to work with people and talk to people and be on my feet. Kind of be funny and be inside.

I looked as kind of a half victory. I wasn't building anything, but I still wasn't getting paid enough as a boxing coach, you know, executive boxing. And so, and I was a carpenter during the afternoon. So then I was driving my truck over the hill to deliver an entertainment unit for a woman who was named Marjorie Gross, Grossman,

who was a writer for Seinfeld, a Canadian. And I was building her an entertainment unit. And I was driving up the hill and I was listening to morning radio and I was building an entertainment unit, and I was driving up the hill, and I was listening to morning radio, and I was listening to K-Rock, and I was listening to Kevin and Bean, and I heard them announce they're having a boxing match, and you know, morning zoo type stunt stuff,

and it was Jimmy the Sports Guy versus Michael the Maintenance Man. And when I was driving up this hill, I just had this like lightning struck me. I was like, I gotta train one of them to box. I gotta train one of them to box. Just so I can see the inside the studio or maybe get on a microphone or something.

I love radio. So I'm going out and I come out of the hill and I go to this woman's house and I go, could I use your phone? Installed an entertainment unit in the wrong house. No, I go, can I use your phone? And I'm calling K-Rock and I'm getting the answering machine.

Of course. Frank Murphy, the morning show producer, leave a message. I leave a message. I go home and check my message, nothing. I call the next day, call. They don't pick up the phone. Meanwhile, I'm hearing them talk about,

hey, we need trainers, hey, we need equipment. You're like, pick up the phone meanwhile I'm hearing them talk about way we need trainers hey we need equipment like I'm the guy I'm trying and I'm hearing trainers like call in on the air like I could train one of these guys you know and I'm gonna so I go I'm going down there and and I say I taught a 7 a.m. boxing class so I go down there at like 6 a.m. And I can't get into the building. It's in Burbank, it's a commercial building. They're up on the ninth floor. The building hours are like 8 a.m. to whatever.

So I go back, I teach my class. The next day, I get a guy to cover my class, and I go in right when the building opens. And then like eight in the morning. The things you're doing to get to this thing. I know, because I'm so weirdly motivated. It's amazing. And so I go up to the ninth floor

and I see the K-Rock Suite, but the K-Rock Suite's locked. Of course. Their business hours are nine to five. And by the way, if you walk in, you can't get to anybody. No one's gonna let you in. No one's gonna just let someone in there. Who's this stalker?

I'm standing by the elevator and I'm like, oh, it's like 7.30 in the morning and they open at nine, but even when they open at nine, the receptionist's not gonna go get Kevin and Bean to bring them out here or anything. I'm just standing there. So I'm like, just standing there by the elevator and I'm like, should I just go home or what should I do?

Go have a cup of coffee and come back and then what? And right then, some guy gets out of the elevator and he starts walking with purpose to go around the back hall with the key card entrance. And he's walking. I don't know if he's filling the vending machine or what he's doing, but he's walking. He's got the key card.

So I start walking next to him. I go, hey, you going back there? You going into the studio? He goes, yeah, I'm going. And I go, oh, tell him there's a boxing coach and I'm just waiting by the elevator. So just tell him. And he's like, yeah, all right.

So I have this card and he leaves, you know. And I just. And you're like, I can't believe I hung all my hopes on this guy who I don't even know who he is. And I just go stand by the elevator and I'm like, did he say anything to anybody in there? Who knows? Who knows?

Who's in there? I don't know. I just stand by the elevator and I'm like, well, my class is covered. I got nowhere to go. I don't know where to go. So I'll just stand by the elevator. This guy's either gonna come out on his own or?

Right. And so like a half hour later, this guy starts walking down the hall, this young guy. And he just sees me standing there and he goes, are you the boxing coach? And I go, yeah. And he goes, I'm Jimmy. And I go, okay.

I didn't know if I was gonna get the maintenance man, Michael, or Jimmy the sports guy. And he goes, I go, okay. You want me to teach you to box? And he goes, yeah. I go, when do you wanna start? And he goes I go okay you want me to teach you to box he goes yeah I go when you want to start and he goes today I go okay and that man was Jimmy Kimmel yeah unbelievable god damn that is such a crazy story right crazy so beautiful so many things had to happen in order for that to happen and you had to not take no for an answer.

One guy had to say, there's a boxing coach outside. Yeah, and I was like a month before my 30th birthday. Had that guy just not remembered to do that. Or Michael the maintenance man came out. Or if the other guy came out. God damn it, I don't think we do this story. I'm gonna do a story, I don't give a shit. Do we have someone waiting, Rand, to go for the next one?

We might have someone waiting. We might, hold on, let me see. All right, is that the end? That might be the end of the show. I think that's the end of the show. I love that. Yeah, I like that better than this. It's an inspirational end, god damn it.

Now look, no one listening could pull that shit off. No! So don't be inspired. No, no, no, don't be inspired. Don't quit your job. Don't be inspired, don't quit your job, but always go with the story that's being told. If we've learned anything from us, let's go with the story being told. Beat it out. Not beating it out. Beat it out. With Jay Moore,

one of our favorites who we should also get on this show. Absolutely. Just follow Adam, dude. I'm so happy for all of your support of all of us through the years. And we'll come on and do your show too. Please! You're the best. Oh snap, we gotta get back to work. We'll see you guys. Peace. Okay.

Stick around, make a sound, there's more to PeopleTown.