Dumb People Town - Alex Edelman - Towel House

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

Comedian Alex Edelman (https://www.alexedelmancomedy.com/) stops by as Jason describes a wine thief dubbed "Thirsty Kirstie" indentified herself in Facebook comments, Daniel explains how a man has offered to split lottery winnings with the thieves that stole his credit card and bought the winning ticket, and Randy warns letting your child bite a soccer referee, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Factor and Hims! Eat smart with Factor. Get started at FACTOR MEALS.com/FACTORPODCAST and use code FACTORPODCAST to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping.  Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace And sometimes shoes, the life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail in Florida, there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast band with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members, don't be a jerk, because when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down is Dumb People Town.

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Get started at factormeals.com slash factorpodcast, and use code factorpodcast to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. That's code factorpodcast at factormeals.com slash factor podcast to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Hey Toneys, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.

Population, you. Population Edelman. Alex Edelman. Hi. I always love when someone joins in. I'm back on Dumb People Town. You're back in the town, my friend. Love a good shacket.

That looks so nice. Oh, I do love a shacket. Me too. Just... I love to shack it. What am I wearing? Wait, dude. Man, no comment about my shacket.

Yours feels like more of a nice little like European walk. Shirt jacket, over jacket. Is shack like Shaquille O'Neal? Why does it... A Shaquille O'Neal. I'm wearing a Shaquille O'Neal. So if Shaquille O'Neal made jackets

that were shirt jackets, would you call them Shaquille O'Neal's or shackle jackets? You call them shack it's right. Okay Dash IT What if they were jackets that you could only wear if your plane crashed and you were a female? Athletic team and your plane crashed somewhere in yellow jackets yellow jackets. They can only be yellow Jay the world's getting dumber. The world's getting dumber. We got Edelman on.

We got Edelman. The world's getting dumber, but not dumber than that last joke. No! At Sklar Brothers. Here we go. The grimace on your face. Sent in by Carlene McDermott at G.B. Carlene. Love her.

Comes from Jolly England, where we know Alex has spent some time. I love it. He knows his Jolly England where we know Alex has spent some time. I love it. He knows his Jolly England. Wine thief dubbed Thirsty Kirsty after dobbing herself in with Facebook comments. So, I mean, stole wine. You mean viewing herself in?

Yeah, I think actually calling herself out. Isn't that dobbing yourself in? Is that a British? I don't know. I've not heard of that. Thirsty Kirsty is like, they like, whoever was sitting on that one for a while at whatever. Well is her name Kirstie?

So I think it is. Her name has to be Kirstie. It has to be Kirstie. Yeah, it's a British name. It is, a daft wine thief from Cornwall, well that says it all, this bitch from Cornwall, has become a laughing stock after dobbing herself in, which I'm gonna say is like-

D-A-U-B. D-O-B-B-I-N-G. Dobbing. I think it means dobbing yourself in, I'm guessing means calling yourself out. Calling yourself out, right. That means playing bingo. Fingering yourself, all right.

With her very own Facebook comments, now dubbed Thirsty Kirsty, the woman was caught stealing booze from a convenience store, the fiasco was captured on closed circuit TV in the footage you can watch. Which then comes to, sort of brings to service, is it the act of stealing or the act of telling people that you did it?

What do you mean? What's the more important thing? What's worse, like commenting on Facebook or stealing? What's the more important thing for the thief? I mean, I think the convenience store really, to not have all your liquor behind the counter. You got it.

You're just asking for it. What is going on in the world where everything is locked up now and you can't get toilet paper? My toilet paper is in Leavenworth. That's right. Wait, you have visitation rights of your toilet paper. Convenience stores pioneered this.

I mean, they were always keeping Don Acroids vodka behind the counter. It's harder to. Is that a vodka? Yes. It's a skull-shaped bottle. It's harder to buy condoms for conjugal visits than to actually have a conjugal visit with your condoms.

Yes. It's harder to get into the razor blades than Harvard right now. Okay. Ah, it's good. So here we go. The woman was seen blatantly stealing a bottle of wine at Red Ruth, off license, on Monday.

I hear it's just called Red Roof, but people that say it, it's Red Roof. but people that say it. Red Roof, Red Roof. Red Roof's Chris. Red Roof's Chris Steakhouse. On Monday, February 17th, what followed nobody could have predicted and has led to endless cackling. Wait, no one could have predicted?

Oh, I mean. Dan, I'm not gonna say you can't even write this stuff. You can't even imagine this. Yeah, you can. Everybody can imagine. Yes, of course you can. Anyone can imagine anything. Okay, so she steals from the Red Roof.

The Red Roof. You can't make this up. Yes, you can. Anybody can make anything Yes, of course you can. Anyone can imagine anything. Okay, so she steals from the Red Ruth. The Red Ruth. You can't make this up. Yes, you can. Red Ruth. Anybody can make anything up. She steals from the Red Ruth and has led, and what happened led to endless cackling as people watched on a Facebook comment saga unfold.

Okay. Now identify, also, if you are a person who is watching a Facebook comma saga, comment saga unfold. You need to get a life. Get a life! What are you doing? Figure it out. Can't pick up the kids, I'm watching this Facebook,

comment saga on full. Sorry, can I also tell people, I'm so sorry I can't go to my dinner. Everyone's well due to family obligations, I still. You're on Facebook? I know. Sure.

We promote on Facebook. Yeah, me too. No, I think it's all good for all that. I'm just saying socially. There's no way you get involved in a discussion. Can I just put it out there to people that I think it's all good for all that I'm just saying socially There's no way you get involved in a discussion I just put it out there to people that I think the single greatest way that if you see anyone in your life Post something on Facebook that you really wish they hadn't said out loud right or an Belief you wish they didn't express publicly sure and you feel the urge to like

comment to fight in it just respond with a sad emoji face. And then turn your phone off. And don't, don't, don't, they will, what does that mean? Why did you respond? And don't ever be like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

No follow ups, no follow ups. Do not engage in a Facebook saga of epic proportions. You can't. Just leave a sad little. Or you can just write wow. That's a good one Because it could go either way yeah, it means everything wow means like wow means great. Oh wow, that's really really something Oh, wow, that's really really something like you could you could message me and be like dude. I sold that project or whatever I'm like wow, right and you'd be like I know right and then you could also message me and go I am gonna be a

little bit late to lunch and I respond wow and it works in every capacity. Or you can be like listen I've got some I've got some I've got some new opinions on US policy in Eastern Europe and Russia and the Ukraine you're like wow I don't know where you're at in your current hour, but this is a good bit. How wow-wow can solve everything. I'll put it in. Wow is the new dude.

Wow is the new dude. Wow. Wow. Actually, I'm literally writing that down. You absolutely should. You absolutely should. And you can engage with the crowd on it too. Yeah, tell me anything.

Tell me anything. Tell me anything that's going on in your life. And you'll do it with the proper wow. Do you know a big part of my last hour was something that my boss, Chris Harris, I noticed him doing and I took it from him and I've given it to attribution to him at every turn. Sure, sure.

But I noticed that we had one writer who'd always talk about some topic that Chris had no interest in. And when they would ask Chris a question to get him engaged, he'd go, can you believe it? And so it's in my hour because it was a thing I was doing in my life at the time when I went to the main event that the hour centered on.

I remember I would get asked questions and if I didn't know what answer the person asking me wanted, I'd be like, can you believe it? And it always worked always works every single time and sometimes people online will point out snarkily They'll be like what you get in your test like can you believe in they're like can you believe it doesn't work then I'm like In what world do you not know what answer the person wants? I disagree. I disagree me What you gonna test I go can you believe it you believe it then that's me I go can you believe it? Can you believe it then? That's me? Yeah, oh yeah the other way you might know what can you believe it? Oh my god, but yeah great This is Chris Harris's he's a great TV. He's been doing the Frasier reboot

He's nice and he's like but it's totally his and I just watched him get out of so many things Maybe like can you believe it? That puts it back on the person to then say more. Like if you're like, like if you're like, tell me about it. I say it means he was three favorite things in conversation. It means I know what you're talking about. I agree with you. And most importantly, keep going.

Yeah, it's now that ball back. Can you believe it? Say more, say more. Wow. Well, I will say more. Now identified by herself in the comments as Kirstie Penny, which the thirsty penny does sound like a bar. Sounds like a bar in England.

You know the thirsty penny? We've lost a lot of hours at the thirsty penny. The thief took to the comments to say she would sue the shop owners for publishing its CCTV photos and video. You did this! Okay, so the people, the Red Roof Chris Sin, got, they got robbed, they posted the CCTV footage

on their Facebook, and then she tries and goes, how dare you? I don't give you consent to use my image. You can't use my image on your Facebook page. I kind of love that. Wow. Wow. Wow. Literally wow. Wow. Literally wow.

How dare the gall. You can't use my image, Gat. You also can't steal my stuff. But that's a really, it's one of those things where. It's an incredible. When someone is losing an argument and they go hard and they take the high ground on a tiny detail, you know that they've lost. But not to go, not to be all theoretical here.

Please. But like, go, not to be all theoretical here. Please. But like, I wonder if like, sometimes someone wrongs somebody else and then somebody else wrongs them in a way. And we're supposed to, like you ever see those things where there's like, well this guy really shouldn't have like, you know, picked a flower off this person's lawn and they came up with a shotgun and blasted them in the face.

Is it Luigi? Luigi. Why, Mario? Luigi Mangione? Luigi who shot the guy, and everyone's like, well, insurance is out of control and da da da da. It's like, he still can't shoot a guy. Yeah, yeah.

I understand what- I agree with you. People justified, they're like, yeah, that was his response. But the thing is sometimes our desire for narrative in the person who deserves the thing, getting their just desserts, sometimes is superseded by the we have rules.

That's right. And it's really weird because in a narrative, you'd be like, well, that person's right in the narrative, but also we have rules. We have rules. That's the thing with Luigi. It's just sometimes you're like, yeah, I also think that the insurance companies are really terrible. The worst. we have rules. We have rules. That's the thing with Luigi, it's just like, sometimes you're like, yeah, I get, like,

I also think that the insurance companies are really terrible. The worst. But I don't want, you know, like. Don't put me in the area of defending them. I really don't wanna, I don't wanna, that's the worst part where they're like, I don't wanna be like,

in defense of the morally bankrupt insurance. If he really wanted to hurt the guy, he should've shot him and taken his insurance away and made him have to live with it. That's, I mean, that's a good, that's a starting box to a good joke. That's right. But the truth is, I don't want everyone

who has a disagreement to be like, I know how we're gonna solve this. Right, click, click. Nope. But to be fair, she's in the wrong there. And I assume you're a lot of published CCTV. Of course. Of course.

Especially if you have a crime in your own private property. Yeah, I think of a crime you can. The police do it. So the disgruntled woman seemingly owned up to the whole thing and felt she was the real victim instead of the out of pocket business. Hundreds of comments and memes have followed with customers and locals in disbelief

that you admit to being the perpetrator and act like she was the one who was done wrong. The shop itself even taking to calling her Thirsty Kirstie. So now here's where the shop is like, not only are we gonna publish it, we're now gonna give you a nickname. Like a silly nickname that's gonna rhyme, that's gonna make you seem stupid.

I mean, the best would be if they would take her image of her stealing the thing and create like a cutout and be like, these prices, it's basically like you're stealing it. Oh, put them in front of the liquor aisle? Thirsty Kirstie says you're stealing it. They call Thirsty Kirstie the self-snitching wine bandit. That's her entire.

A wine's so good, you'll have to steal it. It's a great ad for the wine. It's a great ad for the wine. Throw it in the back. Is a Patty Kirst joke too old? Patty Hearst? Yeah, but Patty Kirst. Oh, Patty Kirst?

Yeah, because she was also on camera. It's not the age that's the problem with that joke. It's the reach. It's the reach. Tell me about it. It's the reach. Tell me about it. I mean, wow. I mean. Yeah!

All right. Hundreds of comments, as we said that. The moniker was among a host of comments. It's a great name. Made to describe the image. Well, they included, I guess, if you're daft enough to steal, you're daft enough to grass yourself up.

I just love all the British terms. Yes, very cool. She grassed herself up, didn't she? enough to grass yourself up. I just love all the British terms. Yes, very cool old school. She grassed herself up, didn't she? She grassed herself up. Okay, Barry Day said, only in Redruth could someone be thick enough to comment on a post of them being thieving grodbags. I love that this is now about the town being a dumb town.

He said only in Redruth, or did he say only Redruth Inn? Redruth Inn. Redroof Inn. He's switching around. Someone else commented, she'll put a video up of her reviewing the wine in a minute. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. She should have.

She should. Zach Cooper wrote, probably start an OnlyFans to get her second bottle. That is also hilarious. There's nothing wrong with that. I love this wine. I give it two felonies. Yeah, holding up like, that should be the ad, also hilarious. There's nothing wrong with that. I love this wine. I give it two felonies.

Holding up like that should be the ad is her. Do they do that in England? The mugshots holding up the mugshot. Yeah, holding up the name of the wine and the price of the wine. I have the video. I did. Ah, don't worry. No whoop on that.

It's fine. That is my story number one. That's great. It's insane, right? I mean, that's a crazy story. That's good. I didn't know there's so much Florida in England. There is. Don't grass yourself up, you grout bag,

is what I've always said. Is that what it was that? Can you say that? He did say that. He did say don't grass yourself up, you grout bag. Yeah, she grassed herself up. I don't understand what grassing yourself up means. I guess it's like showing your, like,

revealing yourself. Outing yourself. I don't know either. Sending yourself up. I'm not sure, going England. There's no way, other than promoting shows, there is, like Dan said, there's no way to go on Facebook and like enter the fray. You should never go into an argument on Facebook.

You should never, you should never say, you know what, I'm gonna jump into this. You should never be freewheeling giving your opinion on a page of somebody you don't know about something that doesn't have to do directly with them. You shouldn't be like, wow, your kids have grown. Any comment on Facebook that isn't, your family looks amazing, so sorry for your loss. What a great trip.

Sorry for your, this is all Facebook is. I have a show coming up on Friday. Well, I wish it was. This is what it should be. I have a show coming up this weekend. If you're in Denver, please come out. Number two, I'm sorry for your loss. Number three, your kids are so big now I can't believe it.

Number four, thanks for grassing yourself up. I'm sorry for your loss. Sorry for your loss. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back. Dan has got us turned on number two. We'll tell you what we have going on and where you can catch Alex Edelman.

He's joined us here in Dumb People Town. We'll be right back. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get to where you can catch the great Alex Edelman, who is off, I mean, since you've done Dumb People Town last time,

your incredible show, Just For Us, which you've done everywhere. Which people can still watch. Won an Emmy, won a Tony. Watch it on HBO Max. Watch it on HBO Max, the beautifully shot special of that. It was just amazing. I just highly recommend it's, in addition to being inspiring,

it's inspired us. And for those of you who come out to see our show, The Born Identity, we love you guys. We're working to figure out where that's gonna go for a lengthy run and who knows might be here in southern california dying to see this yes you will see that when it's in chile i mean this is an off-mic combo but we should set up a showing for you if you don't do it in chicago when i do my uh festival week of shows give you one of the prime slots at the Lincoln launch and do it there. I have a week of shows to fill.

When is that? You're more than welcome, it's July. It'll be July like 14th through the 21st. Like literally I'm just saying to all of our friends, like if you wanna come. That'd be so fun. But if I do it, I wanna do it the same night or, I don't know if you guys can see it.

Exactly the same slot. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, yeah, we can do that. I wanna be on stage doing my show in the middle of them. That would be awesome. Like when Dora and Rory did Draft. When John Dora and Rory did Tony together. So we have a bunch of stuff coming up.

And as this drops, hopefully before the end of March, I don't know if this will drop before we go to Minneapolis. We were just in Minneapolis with Adam Ray's incredible Dr. Phil live show. One of the most fun things we've ever done. And I'm so proud of him and happy for him. We'll be at Acme Comedy Company the 20th through the 22nd and then we're going to, we've added some stuff.

We're going to Denver Comedy Works, the South Landmark Club that we love, April 3rd through the 5th. And then. Moon Tower. Moon Tower, but before Moon Tower, we're going all the way out to Raleigh, North Carolina to do the Rialto.

Hayes Premier. Hayes premiere. We're doing a great theater. It's like 480 seats. Absolutely beautiful. This is a cancer benefit. The cancer benefit and that's going to be on the 16th of. Oh, sorry, sorry. You're like wow.

That turns you up. So that's gonna be on the 16th of April and then we go to Moon Tower and we're doing two taggots at Moon Tower. It's gonna be so much fun. And then we haven't been in Seattle, the Seattle area for a while, and on May 17th we're gonna be

at the historic Everett Theater, which is just about 30 miles north of Seattle. And so that's gonna be great. And we're adding more dates as we go. And like we said, putting together a longer run. They're looking at a couple theaters in Southern California. There's one in Orange County and there's one in Culver City that we might do this run.

And maybe other cities too, but we might wanna keep it local. And if we do, we'll let you know. There's opportunities to catch us. Taggots every month. We're doing one on April 23rd, which you did. You were amazing. And then, Dan, you'll do the May 1 taggot.

And you're more than welcome to come. I got good stuff out of it. You did great. I love it. First of all, you were so great, and I really felt like your fan base came out to the show. You promoted that you were gonna be on the show. I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Also, I'm doing Moon Tower. I'm doing the Paramount on, I think, April 9th. Oh, killer, Steve. All right, Austin, go there. Oh, it's a beautiful theater. What else you got? What else can people see? I'm doing the veterans in?

Providence on the 30th of match a match Hold on. Let me let me see. I really brown kids go get those. I'm really excited. I'm really excited Yeah, I don't know if you can say Brown kids I knew what he was Sorry, sorry, let's, we only want brown. No, you were fine, I forgot about the university, so I was having a hard time. I literally for a second was like, is that like some local dish?

Sorry, we only want brown people at his shows. You know the hot brown in Louisville? No. Have you ever had a garbage plate in Rochester? Yes, we have. Wait, that's a real thing, the garbage plate? Yeah, the garbage plate in Rochester. Yes. Wait, that's a real thing The garbage car is in Rochester and a hot brown is sounds like a sexual terrible sexual thing involving You know what but like it is an open-faced turkey. I'm glad now that you said that I'm gonna tell my dates We like here's what a hot brown is and also it's an open-faced turkey sandwich

Maybe March 30th at the veterans in Providence, the ninth in Austin at the Paramount. Paramount, boom. Pittsburgh, the Carnegie Music Hall of Oakland, which I just found out as I'm reading it that it's not in Oakland, because I'd only seen the venue name. Thursday, April 17th, 18th, Columbus, Ohio. Nice. May 2nd in Ridgefield, Connecticut.

June 14th in West Hampton, La Jolla. June 16th, June 19th. What are you doing down in La Jolla? The La Jolla Jewish Community Center. Excellent. Let's go. But I'm not Jewish, it's a really weird thing. That's so weird that they would.

But yeah, I'm doing the Vogue Theater in Vancouver. Is it alexheadleman.com? Yeah, yeah, alexheadlemancomedy.com. Alexheadleman.com is a copywriting site in Southern France. Of course it is. Alexheadlemancomedy.com. Go see him. Go site in southern France. Of course it is. Alec Edelman.com. Alec Edelman.com. Go see him.

Go see him, period. Sorry about all the laundry list. No, we love it. Even I don't know. No, because somebody somewhere who listens to our podcasts in all of those cities just made a mess of us. And also some people banked these up and we'll listen in a couple months.

So we'll be glad to hear. Please, I'm really for it. All right, you wanna do a story number two? Let's do it. Let's jump in. Here we go, sent in by Carleen McDermott again at She Be Carleen. She Be Carleen. She's having a good day. This is two? Let's jump in. Here we go, sent in by Carlene McDermott again at She Beat Carlene, She's Havin' a Good Day. This is fun. Let's hear it.

Man offers to split winnings after thieves hit jackpot with his credit card. Yes, you saw this? No, I just know that sometimes you know the dumb story. Fair enough. Okay, so people stole his card. He's saying give it back and you'll get half of what we got. Well, so people stole his card. Yes. He's saying, give it back, and you'll get half of what we got.

Well, they have the ticket. So he's- They bought a lottery ticket with his credit card and won the jackpot. So the money can only go to that guy. They're in a catch-22. The money can only go to that identity because the card. A Frenchman

has appealed to two thieves who used his stolen credit card to purchase a jackpot winning scratch card I love a good scratch. I mean so much there is nothing better than just the Quarter rubbing off just scan the barcode and then ski like and then scan it right away I thought there's no do you like Vegas do you press the button or pull the thing? Well given the option you want to pull the lever I'd probably pull the most of them now They don't even have I don't do it. I don You wanna pull the lever. I'd probably pull the lever. Most of them now, they don't even have them.

I don't do any gambling. You don't do slots? I don't do slots. It's like. Throwing your money literally in the trash. I just, it is crazy to me. Yeah, to gamble it all. It's a mindset, it's a mindset.

You know that the odds are stacked against you. The house always wins. Hey, the odds are stacked against you. You're entering this palace built out of other people's bad decisions. Right, that's what it is. Would you like, but you're different. But you're different.

You're special, you can beat these odds. Cindy from Trenton, you're different. The machine knows that you and your portable oxygen tank are better than that. It's a crazy thing, because you're like, what makes you Karnak the Magnificent? Or whatever. Find out tonight.

How do you have the magic touch? And the truth is, the ringing of the bells in the casino gives people that hope. It's so Pavlovian, it's unbelievable. It's so nuts. Someone posted their winnings. They're like, our first time out, and I just won $5,000, and someone quote tweeted it

that said, I've already seen those for 11 years, and let me tell you, this is the worst thing that can happen to you. Ever. On your first time, David, like ever. First set of comedy, I killed. Good luck. I wish I could remember that.

Have fun giving that back. There was a comic who was checking out at the Hard Rock Hotel. Josh Androski. Yes, that's who it was. And by the way, Josh Androski, fabulous comedian. Great comedy. Really funny, really like distinct political principle.

Yes. I can't even remember his politics. I don't even know if I agree with the politics. I can't remember. I just remember he's a great comedian. And then they're like, he won like a million dollars. And by the way. He put like 20 bucks into the Big Bang Theory slot machine

while his friend was checking out of the hotel. Oh my God. While he was just waiting there and he hit for a million dollars. Good for him. Good for him! Like it should happen to him. But it bothers me that there are people

who are gonna hear that because part of me wants to be like, you understand the universe is rewarding a really good comedian right now. And it's not gonna reward you. The universe is rewarding Josh Androsky who I've seen kill at the lodge in Highland Park. Sure, yeah. Sure, sure.

This is not a... The lodge room, sure. Maybe it's not the lodge, or Atwater or something. Whatever. I've seen some great show. He's just a good guy, and so it was crazy when they're... It's the universe saying, we will provide for you. So as other people who like to consider themselves hardworking good guys, that was

the good guy who got it. We're not going to get it. There's none for us. Screw you guys. These two thieves also got it. Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Go back. I want to know how this works. Okay. So a Frenchman appealed to these two thieves who used his stolen credit card to purchase a jackpot winning scratch card. He wants them to come forward promising to split the winning prize with them. Amazing.

Introducing himself as Jean David E., the man told RTL radio that since the money would otherwise be seized by authorities, he's looking to strike a deal with the criminals. So they already know that the card was purchased illegally. Right. And so he's saying, and I'm probably gonna go on to read what I'm just saying. If they give him the card. I'll split it with you and I won't press charges

for stealing my credit card. Because if I press charges and then you try to turn in this credit. Then we all lose. Everybody loses. Let's get into cahoots with each other. So, this. What's happened?. We go no one

Has so far come forward with the ticket? Which has been blocked by France's national lottery operator francis did you and then you lose a FDJ according to John David? John David is your Discovered that his backpack containing the balance of the day had been stolen from his car parked in central Towel House. Did you say that? I don't know. Toulouse. That's right, I got there.

On the third of February. How did you pronounce Toulouse? Towel House. I love Toulouse Nestle. I've never seen it. Nestle Toulouse cookies. Nestle Toulouse. You only know what you know.

You pronounced Toulouse Towel House. Towel House. Toulouse. Nestle's the podcast called Dumb People Town. It's great. Yeah, we're a part of it. We're uniquely skilled. There was a guy who's-

We're not moving past this. No, we don't need to. We don't need to. I will own- Danny claims he's a basic bitch. It is act. It is act. He has a long laundry list of why-

I might be an insult to basic bitches. Danny, explain why you're a basic bitch. Give two examples. One, the first. Oh, I create drinking games around HGTV shows. Thank you. Number one. Very nice. I wear rompers.

I take my clothes off when I pee. I've been known to get drunk and eat a Mexican pizza from Taco Bell. Okay, and none of this excuses. No, it all excuses it. Toulouse. Toulouse. For Toulouse, it's like calling it Marcillus.

Yes, Toulouse. Marce. I'm it Marcillus or something. Yes, I would. Marce. I'm a huge fan of Towel House Littrech. I would love to tell you that I would get Marce immediately, but I might not. And I did take two years. Marcelles! Has anybody ever burned a Vercelles?

There was a teacher in our English teacher. Pretty dope. Senior English teacher. Towel So, they make the cookies. They make those little cookies. Welcome to the Talhouse. The Talhouse rules with Michael Caine. By the way. So good.

I was on Mike Brubiglia's podcast and I mispronounced, and I've always said museum. Apparently it's museum. Yeah, museum. And I've always said museum. Apparently it's museum. Yeah, museum. And I got more angry notes from people. Museum, museum. You thought I was stating an opinion on major. My worst ever is I was doing a scene

my freshman year of college in acting class and I said something all in lines of like, I've been this way since I was in the Marine Corps. Damn. Damn. Damn. Confidently, in front of the class, to my scene partner, Peter.

I love it. You guys had the same reaction. There's a dead body right there. There's a core right there. You guys had the same reaction Rory had when I told him, Rory has still not let this go. And I'm like, I told you I did this. This is so great.

The Maria story. It makes me love you even more. Yeah, can I make you feel better? I had never read the words Maria before. Sometimes my younger daughter, Georgia, who is really smart, will miss, and I realize like, Malaprop. Malaprop.

Malaprop, mispronounce a word, and I'm like, I have to correct her because I'm like I'm correcting you because I want you I'll be nice About it. I'll be nice, but like I was so mean you did Can I wait can I make you feel a little bit better? I had a party when I was living in on Genesee I had a party it was I was by myself Genesee big party and I was, I was by myself. It's Genesee, but we're gonna do it. It's Genesee, big party, and I was like, I'm gonna have a mojito area, make your own mojitos, right? But I want a- Tell them how you spelled it. M-O-H-I-T-O.

The amount of people who gave me shit at my, and I made a sign, I made a frickin' sign. You deserve all of it, you deserve all of it. And I still hooked up that night. I've been like this since I was in the Marine Corps. California will be a site for these weary eyes. Oh my god. That's so good, Dan.

It's up to you, do you wanna keep going? You must, okay. Let's go, yeah. Man, there's so much more French in here. Oh god, I'm sorry. I want you to skip just down to the French words and do your best. Just roll through them, baby.

Okay, without me, they would not have won. But without them, I would not have bought this ticket. I want to offer them to share the winnings. This is so French. The Toulouse residents said. Hey, hey. No one has come forward with a winning ticket, which has been blocked, like I said,

by France's national lottery sure he said he He just realized this when his backpack had been stolen from his car after calling his bank to block his credit card He discovered That fifty two point five euro. That's fifty five bucks the United States had been spent via a contactless payment at Do you want to try it for me? Tabac des Terme? At Tabac des Terme? Terme, right?

Terme? Terme? Terme, yeah. Okay, we got there. It's a nearby corner shop. Jean David went to the shop to see if the staff had seen anything suspicious or if any of his belongings had been abandoned at the shop. My client, this is his lawyer I believe, Pierre Dubesson, my client spoke to the cashier

and discovered that two men who appeared in the store used his credit card to purchase cigarettes and several scratchers. They did not say scratchers, I said scratchers. The two men told the cashier that they had won the jackpot on one of the cards and they were planning on going to the lottery to claim their winnings. The cashier found the two men told the cashier that they had won the jackpot on one of the cards and they were planning on going To the lottery to claim their winnings The cashier found the two men's behavior suspicious as they were unable to enter the pin for one of the cards that they attempted to make A purchase. Yeah after his conversation with the cashier John David who's out here like

Man on firing this himself, right? Yes his own poor.ot. He's his own Le Pen. He contacted local police who in turn reached out to the lottery to alert the games company. So now he's actually his own problem because he told the lottery, hey, if anybody claims this ticket, it's stolen. So now they're like, well fine. No one's going to claim it. But wait a second. Otherwise, if he didn't do that, then... Well well if he had found them first he could have said Hey guys, how's he gonna find them first? They're in the wind. He's doing good so far. They're in the wind He's retracing their steps. The police are now likely to seize the winnings

And should the thieves approach the lottery themselves? They are likely to be arrested scratch card winners have 30 days from the date of purchase to claim their winnings and for John David and His unlikely collaborate collaborators the deadline is fast approaching." How many times did he win? So how many times did the lottery, I wonder how many times in the years the lottery has not had to pay because someone came after him. Oh yeah, they're so happy. This is what his lawyer said, my client was very happy to have his credit card stolen

in these circumstances, and so is not looking to prosecute. This is also a miraculous opportunity for these two men to build a new life for themselves. Unless they contact my lawyer, the ticket is unusable. So why not settle amicably and do 50-50? He's not wrong. 50-50. Much.

How much, it's literally the next thing, how much was the jackpot? In euros or dollars? I converted it. Okay, into dollars. Let's make? I converted it. Okay the dollars Let's make a guess Jesus six million dollars six mil one million one from Jason's car two hundred and eighty five thousand two hundred and eighty five thousand said start a new life

the jackpot was 523 thousand Very good, sir. 776.50. Do you know why? 500 euro. Do you know why? 500,000 euro. There's a let's see what happens tone to the lawyer

and not a we need this right now. That's right. He's being. The urgency is not there. He's being very laissez faire or as you would say, laissez faire. Yeah. He's being very laissez faire about this.

And my instinct is that. It's not life changing money, it's life shifting money. He's being very laissez-faire about this. My instinct is that. It's not life-changing money, it's life-shifting money. Wow, someone's paid off their mortgage. Speaking of, he says, for that amount of money, I'm ready to come to an agreement with these two men, explaining that he would use his share of the winnings, which would be 261,000 and some odd bucks,

to help pay off his mortgage. There you go. All right, we will get out here in this how old how old all right is John David E The man who is willing he's got a more this with his got a mortgage. He's got a mortgage What age do you feel like is a guy who goes he's walking around with a backpack fine? Yeah, he's leaving it in backpack. He finds out about them purchasing the ticket now. He's trying to strike a deal with Europeans wear backpacks like longer than other sure they so like there is like a European activity pattern here that like I think he's 52 years old 52 okay 41 how are you guys again?

Yeah, you're 53. How do you? Wow long I'm gonna go ahead you said 41 41 sounds about I'm gonna say 38. Okay Wow, long labor for your mom. I'm gonna go ahead. You said 41. 41. That sounds about, I'm gonna say 38. Okay.

One of you is only one year off, so you now have the opportunity to go up a year or down a year for your guests. I'm going down to 51. Okay, 51. 42. 42. I would say I'm going up to 39.

All right. John David E. and the end of story two before we come back and we'll take a break and then I'll say what I'm up to 39. Alright. John David E and the end of story two before we come back and we'll take a break and then I'll say what I'm up to is 40 years old. Oh. You got one. I knew that it was somewhere in that area. You became the winner. Uh you did become the winner all the way around. Alright. Story number three. We got a little uh. What do you got, Ram? I'm very excited. It's um you know you take your kids places and they

do things that embarrass you and it's a little bit of a sports story. So we'll get into it because I know Alex is a sports fan. We'll get into it on the other side of the break. We'll find out what Daniel's got going on. Alex Edelman is with us. East W the town don't forget. Stick around, make a sound, there's more to our people town. Hey guys, I want to talk about Factor. I'm so happy they're sponsoring us. There's such great, okay, you can lose up to eight pounds

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many times. I love that your special Rose Gold, which is one of my favorite specials out there has now jumped over a hundred thousand views. I'm so proud of you. Thanks so much. That's huge. That's huge. You could see more stuff like that if you go to danielvankirk.com. I'm going to be March 20th and 21st. If this is before then I'll be in Providence, Rhode Island. I'm Denver Comedy Underground on the 28th and 29th Yeah, and then I'm just gonna do some hopper on shows in Chicago the first week of April like blackout tires and comedians You should know paper machete. Have you ever done machete? I will be gone that weekend one of my favorite. Yeah Unbelievable shows ever ever ever. I'm I am the emcee for the Rochelle Fire Department fireman's ball. Yeah, you are

Yeah, is are. Yeah. Is there going to be boxing between the police department and the fire? We're going to have so much fun. I was just talking to them this week. They're sort of like, what will you do? And I'm like, don't worry. I'll be fine. What will you do? April 11th and 12th, I'm at the Milwaukee at the laughing tap. I'm at the Comedy Cabinet in Jamesville and then planned to the tapes to end out May. That's the 30th and 31st. at the Comedy Cabin in Jamesville, and then Planet of the Tapes to end out May in Louisville.

That's the 30th and 31st. Homebunch of other dates. Everything's up at danielvankirk.com. I got stuff up through September on there. So get it, get your ticks. Go see him live, it's always a religion. When Dan sells out places, that's a good thing. It means he's gonna come back.

I agree. So keep supporting him. That's true for all of us. There's something, Planet of the Tapes. Yeah, sorry, no, the Green Mill. Oh yeah. Where they do, I saw a Langston Kerman film,

a special there that John Mulaney directed. Oh my God. And it was awesome. Oh yeah. Nate Craig did his preferred customer, I think he shot it. Really? And the way they shot it, it was like,

I wanna say, I know he was in a suit, but it felt like his bow tie was down and it was like he was just after the night of, after a rough night he's gonna now talk to you. So we performed behind the bar, but we have never performed up on the stage. I've done both, but behind the bar is more fun. Great, so fun.

But it's also a little, the gig is a false positive, but it's amazing. It was a false positive, because we did our set before we taped a special that night In the afternoon we did it and then that night taped our special. I'm bling. Okay. All right, you guys ready for this I'm gonna jump in this right now. This is sent in by Jason at your buddy Jason Hey, buddy, not me not you. Okay from the LA Times Here's the headline German soccer players child bites referees testicle forcing game to be canceled yeah that

games over that you can still play the game cancel the game the ball on that guy you know you're often it doesn't go the other way with the kids harassing the refs while the parents play right it's like a bit of a turn this is like usually a dad you guys don't have kids in youth sports with team stuff like I have that's the heat that these reps. Why would you become a ref? I don't understand it. This is a professional player. A German soccer match was canceled before kickoff

after a referee suffered. Before kickoff. Pre-kickoff. An unexpected injury after getting a bite on his testicle from a player's child. How does he have access to his testicle like that? On Sunday, FC Taxi Duisburg 2. That's not, that's what, like League 6?

Yeah, it's definitely down below. It's low, it's low. It's like, you know there's the Pepsi Championship League in England. Right. This is like the, Sure, but there's FC, This is like the RC Cola.

The Fago Orange League in Germany. But FC Duisburg, I know that. FC Taxi Duisburg, D-U-I-S. This is gonna be like ninth tier. And SV Rotweiss. Yeah, the rest are in crutches. I know I know that FC taxi Deutzburg do do is This is gonna be like ninth tier and SV Rottweiler crutches SV Rottweiss Mulheim perfect were set to compete in there in the eighth tier Organize the pickup game of the tenth tier Pickup game would be 10th tier. So we're that close. Eighth tier Christ League C division. It's like a church league.

You're in the eighth tier of the Christ League. You're in the A division? No. The word player is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. It's a plumber's kid. Thank you. This is like D3 Junior column. No, this is like D7. Yeah, this is like of Junior. This is like d7. Yeah, this is like like of

Junior this is like inner class of Dan. This is a level inner mural you go like as And I hit and I hasten to say this is what do you say the word you go in your college? As part of the routine pre-match protocol referee Stefan Kahler was Conducting ID checks on players when a young child the son son of an FC taxi player, was running around the field according to National World. As Kaler continued his pre-game duty, the child unexpectedly approached him and bit him in the testicle. The word unexpectedly is so funny to me. In the testicle.

Because in what world is the like, ah I yes you expect this in the ninth year games And in the seventh year here carousel League of three see way Unexpectedly like even the kids who the players are walking out our ninth tier, right? Like even they are their ninth tier behavior league see why I was expect he's checking the IDs So does that mean he's like standing there looking the kids like jumping on it. He's like, oh, sorry. He's like, no, he's fine He's fine. And then he'll be fine. He's fine. It's like the old Paul fall of Tompkins bit And a dog just

Like he's fine, haha, he's fine. It's not fast comedian. He's not fine He's fine. He's fine. He's not fine. He's not fine. He's not fine. While I was checking the FC Taxi player's ID, a small child was doing warm up exercises alongside the players.

He came closer and closer to me, and then suddenly, to my complete surprise, gave me a sharp bite in my left testicle. Kailer said in a report obtained by the outlet. I mean, okay, so here's my thing. I mean, this is dead. If a kid who's not your kid bites your testicle, you can hit him in the head, right? You can smack him, 100%.

If you've got a kid locked onto you in any part of your body, you have a right. This is a German Facebook, we've missed the dad being like, this guy hit my kid, you know what I mean? That's his nerd, you know? That's his side of the story. Oh my God. You can punch a kid. The injury his narrative. That's his side of the story. Oh my God.

You can punch a kid. The injury was severe enough that Kailer, in significant pain, of course, had to call off the match before it even began in his, and blame it on the kid. You know he blamed it on the kid. He's gonna try and lose wages. Lose wages and try to.

In his official report, I just love that this guy's now gotta file official report, in which case a kid- You know I'm gonna have to write this up, right? That's right. You guys know I'm gonna have to write this up. I can't let it go. Do you know how much paperwork I have to do now?

This isn't level nine, I just fuck around. This is eight. Kiersaliga C, Eighthly, Eighth Division. And Kiersaliga D, you get away with this. You haven't Kiersaliga C. No, this Kiersaliga C, this is no joke. He confirmed that he could not officiate due to the pain and the bizarre nature of the incident give make him a line judge Just the heaven do call off. That's a good point. I would find it hard to be impartial

After that on one hand as a pretty rough tackle But on the other hand the guy you just tackled is the kids dad Because we don't know the severity of bite like I'm not imagining it was just a little nip Oh, even if it was a nip that would be enough Clamp down. Yeah, okay. We're done. The day is over everybody go out. It's not worth it I think the league is shut down. Did he go to the hospital? He said I did not start the game because the pain I was in in the situation It was the child of one of the FC taxi players who was to blame

He said the game will be- he just looked at the guy and was like, where do you learn this? It starts at home. Exactly. He'll be fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's not fine.

The game will be rescheduled later in the season, though it remains uncertain whether Kayla will return as the referee. I would say we should probably get somebody else. I don't think he's gonna come back at all. And whoever should wear a jockstrap on the outside. Oh, yeah. But now any time a kid runs near,

any time a kid runs within like five feet of him, he's gonna be... Someone's gonna tackle him, kick him around. ...kicking his foot. You have to, and this is now the thing. If a child runs up to you mouth open, you gotta assume he's gonna try... You gotta assume he's gonna try...

And the league wasn't paying him very much. What Catholic school did you go to? The league gets into negotiation with him, and their offering was still little, You gotta assume he's gonna try. You gotta assume he's gonna try. And the league wasn't paying him very much. They were literally. What Catholic school did you go to? Jesus. The league gets into negotiation with him and their offering was so little and you're like now you're gonna low ball me? On top of what I went through?

I hear that a French lawyer is trying to reach out so you can, you have one ball, I have one ball. Let's split it, let's split the ball. And we'll all be fine. In a Lance Armstrong style. Towel house arrangement. Otherwise, otherwise Let's split it. Let's split the ball. It's been in Lance Armstrong style. Towel house arrangement. Otherwise, otherwise, the government gets it. The towel house arrangement is the unofficial title

of this episode. The towel house arrangement definitely sounds like a PBS. No, the towel house arrangement sounds like a erotic, erotic homo, a homosexual erotic novel. Yeah, Emanuel, Emanuel Nine. The towel house arrangement. There you go. Yeah, Emanuel 9. Yeah, it's an arrangement. There you go. Might be the official title.

Guys, that's the story and that's the show. The great Alex Edelman, go see him, alexedelmancomedy.com, go check out his special on Max, just for us. I wish I could do this every time. All of this. All goddamn day. Pure fun treat.

We describe this and you've been in, who've been in writer's room, you're just writing for the office, you're gonna be in the office, the upcoming office, the new spinoff. This in the office, the upcoming office, the new spin-off. This is the point in the writers room before you get down to work. This is the fuck around part.

They're like, have you seen this video? And then everyone watches it and it makes like 20 of the greatest jokes you've ever heard in your life. And you're like, okay. I've got a video for you for that. Okay, so at the end of every show, we're like, oh shit, we gotta get back to work. So that's what we're gonna say right now

because we gotta get back to work. And then you'll show us this video. Oh, so we're getting oh shit we got to get back to work so that's what we're gonna say right now because we gotta get back and then you'll show us this video I was getting back to work with you