Dumb People Town - Asif Ali - Mr. Machete

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

Star of Deli Boys on Hulu, Asif Ali, stops by as Daniel describes a soldier so drunk that he stole a double decker bus to drive home, Jason explains why a Florida man in a clown costume was arrested fro trespassing, and Randy warns that getting a tattoo of a machete on your face might make you use a machete on someone, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Hims and ASPCA Pet Insurance! Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT for your personalized ED treatment options. To explore coverage, visit ASPCApetinsurance.com/DPT

Dan and Rand and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half-price mail, I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Van Buren, don't be a jerk, spread the music, wish the funny hits and wins. Dan and Rand and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose.

We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half-price mail, I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Van Buren, don't be a jerk, spread the music, wish the funny hits and wins. Dan and Rand and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Van Buren, don't be a jerk, spread the music, wish the funny hits and wins.

Dan and Rand and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. Dan and Rand and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. Dan and Rand and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes So listen to our podcast jam with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members, don't be a jerk. That's where the music, that's the funny bits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, bunker down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey, Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population Ollie. Asif Ollie. Welcome to town, dude. What's up, buddy? I'm good

I'm glad we got you here great merch That's what I said the camera department at deli boys camera department at deli boys made this for us There's only like 12 of these and dude. I love it. It looks great Is it your name on it my actual let's? Happy that we got you we're gonna talk about your show in a little bit But but first you know how dumb this world is. You know how it goes. I am a little bit aware of how dumb the world is.

You get it. No, no, you live in this world, then you know it's dumb. The great thing now is, like even on stage, you first have to make sure we can all agree what we're looking at. Yes. Like it used to be like, so this idiot,

and then you know you could go, but now we have to be like, so we all agree he's an idiot, right? When you say this idiot, half the people in the audience are like, well, that's my actual hero. That's a hero. Crazy. This idiot, no.

So, this bitch. Are we all looking at the same dumb? Are we, is this a Rorschach test? What's happening now? Okay, so we get our dumb stories sent to us by our awesome fans, and each of us have a story. Dan's gonna jump in the first one. Ready?

Yes. Did the fans send you the? Yes. Great. Carlene McDermott sent in this. At She gonna jump in the first one. Ready? Yes. The fans send you these? Yes, great. Carleen McDermott sent in this. At Sheeby Carleen. At Sheeby. Shout out to you, Carleen. Here we go.

Soldier got so drunk, he didn't know he'd stolen a double decker bus to get home. Wow. That is, there's stuff you don't know. Right now, how confident are you, because I don't know how different they are or not, I'm gonna be honest, that you could drive any bus, let alone a double-decker bus around town.

I don't think it would feel different, it's not like you can see up above you. It's just the turning radius. Turning radius? I never learned that. This is a fire truck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing?

Don't you sometimes have to do the hydraulics? I don't think, like, he's not worried about opening the door. No. He's not picking anyone up. He already got in. Yeah, he already got in. So that door's open, because he doesn't know how to close.

The door's open. Yeah. The door's open. Stuff's just falling out. It would be hilarious if you stole, like, a city bus, a double-decker bus, and at some point, you're at a stoplight, and somebody just walks up and starts putting their bike on the front.

You're like, shit. Shit, god damn. And you're like, I don't know how to lock it. It's gonna fall off. It's gonna fly off. But Dan, you're right about the height, about the turns. Cause the second you start turning fast, it's, you're gonna tip.

You know my story about having the RV during the pandemic and not understanding the, oh I rented one. You went off-roading in a parking lot. So we were coming out of this parking lot. At the end of a trip. It was on our anniversary. We were like driving to go have dinner. It's probably 2014?

No, no, no, it's pandemic. It was like 20, 21. Oh, 1921. It feels like 11 years ago. 1921. Spanish flu pandemic. And I'm making a right turn and I just fully didn't understand that like,

once you start turning a cut. I need to go so far out to like come over because I'm not driving a 24 foot thing ever. I totally didn't understand that like, I need to go so far out to like come over because I'm not driving a 24 foot thing ever. And there was a rock on the edge of the driveway. Why is that there? But it was like cemented in the corner of the driveway. It's one of those markers.

Yeah, so it was right there. But like no, it was low rock, but lower than this table. And I make the right turn and it literally, you can hear the crunching. The door gets pushed all the way back in. I mean it's like thousands and thousands of dollars, which we got the coverage to like handle this. Cause I never do that when I get a rental car.

You don't always get the coverage. So we got the coverage for this RV. We're like, we don't know what we're doing. And they're like, no, you have to pay for it. That was negligence. And we're like, that's why we got the coverage. Yeah, right. So we give you negligence. Yeah, it's like, I don't know what we're doing. And they're like no you have to pay for it. That was negligence. And we're like that's why we got the coverage. Yeah. Right.

Should we give you negligence? Yeah it's like I don't know what I'm doing. And so there was a huge fight. Do you know how negligent I am with my kids? Cause I have the coverage. Was it one of these? No. It's a normal steering wheel and like a normal thing

but it just was way too tight. I feel like I'd be so intimidated by a bus. Is it automatic? That's what I was thinking. No it's no stick. It was automatic. But this bus is probably automatic. Well Steven intimidated by a bus. Is it automatic? They don't stick anymore. That's what's my question. No, it's no stick. It was automatic, but this bus is probably automatic. Well, Stephen.

Yeah, this bus. Stephen McCartan. M-C-C-A-R-T-A-N. Stephen McCartan. Stephen McCartan had become separated from his. Sounds like what his friends call him because he smokes too much. Also, do we know what level in the army he was

was as a staff sergeant? It doesn't say. Corporal, perhaps? Now he's a private. Now he's a private. Dishonorably discharged. Yeah, I was like, private McCartan. Do we know what station he used to hold?

Private McCartan until this. I love how this was his excuse for what happened, where he sort of blames his friend. Because it says, he had become separated from his drinking buddy in Poole Dorset on December 27th. So his first thing they were like, well that's really his fault. And he's like, well, I got my buddy left me.

I have to drunk drive a bus. You steal a bus. So what happens on a school field trip when your buddy from the buddy system leaves you? You go back to the bus. You go back to the bus. Yeah. That's all he was doing. He was later caught on camera staggering into the town's bus station at 1 a.m.

Oh, he went into the bus station. The former soldier, I don't know if that means he's retired or no this ended his military career they say thank you for your service no more probably like the end of maverick like fucking steal that yeah he's a very intense PE teacher somewhere yes yeah I buzzed that tower did you know one will run through a wall for him. Nobody will. The former soldier had been searching for a way home in the village of Hamworthy, which might be my new favorite UK.

That's a great name. Are you Hamworthy? Are you Hamworthy? Yeah. His answer for a way home came in the form of a red and blue Morbus Decker bus. Oh yeah. This is, guys, this is what he's.

They're beautiful buses. Oh my god. They're like the ones you see like in Europe. Yes, yeah this is in the UK. That's like not even like the traditional red like touristy right that is like a luxury double-decker. That's like if we said a regular Greyhound bus that's you know it's like when we took the Jitney out to the Hamptons I'd never taken the Jitney which I thought was by the the way, awesome, amazing. They brought snacks around, there was like a bus stewardess. So I thought the jitney was like a weird boat

that we take out there. No, like a junk or Chinese junk. And the best is they're like, where does the jitney pick you up? And on our phone it said like 3rd and Lexington. And then we go to 3rd and Lexington, nothing. And like, we're just talking to people. We're like, where does it?

Down over there. Oh, you mean at third? No, no, it was at third. It was like 50 something in Lexington. Oh my God. Oh, excuse, 42nd Lexington. And then we're like, so the Jitney, it says it's the Lexington stop right here.

Where is it? Oh, it's down at 42nd and 40th and third? Then why isn't it just at 40th and 3rd? Like, just say what it is, dummies. These are bus rules. So we had to walk all the way down this thing. We get on the Jitney, it's so calm and mellow. So nice, there's like a woman who's like a stewardess.

Where are you going? To the Hamptons. Hamptons to do a comedy show. From New York. Yeah, from New York City. From New York City. So we go, we're staying in Brooklyn, we hang out in New York City, we go up to the Jitney.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We go to this thing. What is a Jitney? It's a bus. It's just the brand of bus? It's the name of the bus. I don't know what it stands for. Just to me it does not sound like a bus.

What if this is the reason he quit the podcast? I don't get it! What is a Jitney? I turn into every Midwestern Apple. I have no clarity on what the fuck a Jitney is. They wouldn't answer me. These two with their back and their forth. Oh, I don't tell me what our Jitney is.

So anyway, so we get on this bus and it's like they treat you really well. They get snacks It's like we were watching it was the it was when the USA Men's basketball team was playing in the France in the finals and it was like when Bitches the sleep awesome. It was so nice and comfortable and great. I was like, I'd do this all the time. I have two things like that. There's a Mercedes, like mini bus. That's a Europe kind of thing.

And there's one in Koreatown that you can take to Vegas if you ever don't wanna drive or don't wanna fly. It's roomy as hell. They show movies. You get snacks and soda. They drive, they stop once on the way to Vegas, it's $30 round trip. No! What?

And you can just show up at Caesar's Palace whenever you want for your return trip. You don't have to schedule it. I mean, obviously you would, but like, you could just be like, yeah, Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll come back, and then you just go, you show up there and you show them that you have the round trip,

and then they just drive you back. 30 bucks? Yes. Oh my God. Round trip? That does feel so crazy. That's how much Vegas wants you. So there was an old-

If it was 30 each way, which maybe was 30. That's still not bad though. That's way less than a flight. Do you remember the bus to Atlantic City in New York? Yes. There was a bus to Atlantic City that cost 20 bucks and they would give you $10 in chips. Really?

So it was a $10 bus ride and they want, because they want you to get in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, you're gonna, we'll get you there. There's another new. And you'll lose plenty of your money. There's another new thing in New York that Uber just started, I did it.

Yeah. It's $18 from Manhattan to LaGuardia. It's 18 bucks. That's deranged. But it's in a bit, you're in a bus with like six, seven other people, but everybody has to meet at the same spot.

You all get into one of these mini buses. And you all have to have sex. And then, that's optional. You at least have to watch. You do have to watch. Just a little happy ending. But yeah, Uber just started doing this. For anybody who's ever like gotta go out to LaGuardia,

it's 18 bucks. And they do pickups on the hour. Are they just trying to like, I feel like. Uber made so much money, 18 bucks a pot, and they're taking like eight people at a time. It's better for them. It's better for them. Yes. All right, and we'll be right back I feel like... Uber made so much money, 18 bucks a pot and they're taking like eight people at a time? It's better for them. It's better for them.

Yes. All right, and we'll be right back with more transportation talk. We're going to get into gasoline, diesel. A court heard that McCann stumbled inside the bus before settling down on a seat on the top deck for a quick nap. Sure. I mean, if you're this drunk, you're sort of like, this was meant to be for me. Yeah. Also, 1 a.m. is kind of early for this drunk, you're sort of like, this was meant to be for me. So great.

Also 1 a.m. is kind of early for this type of behavior. This guy has been day drinking. He's been at the pub all day. 11 a.m. he started pounding. I've been going to sleep like way before because my wife is working on this project. She's like working until four in the morning. Okay, humble brag, successful wife.

Successful wife. But we went to her friend's birthday party this past weekend in Alta Dena and she was like one of the only streets She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend.

She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend.

She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend.

She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. and we, they were so great and we stayed, they had such cool friends, like people I did not even know and like mix of British and American people and like I met these two people, one girl who went to Fontbonne College in St. Louis. Fontbonne College? Fontbonne University, it's the smart, good things come in small packages.

Which is what I said to her, she was like, that's amazing. Which is the way I describe myself sexually. So it was, it's right next to WashU, anyway. It's like a cool little, you know, university. Anyway, I met her and she and her boyfriend or her husband are moving to Malta in three weeks. I'm like, holy shit.

Interesting, really cool people, had a great time. We hung out really late. We hung out later than everybody. Stayed till like two. You know, 1.45 in the morning and we drank. She drank beforehand. We drank, we were there. I stopped because I'm driving and just whatnot.

And we got home and she was so drunk, I was like I'm going to bed, I'm literally going to bed, I need to go to sleep, it's two in the morning and I just need rest. And the next thing I know, both dogs are up in bed with me and she doesn't come up to bed, which I'm like, she either slept on the couch, slept in Daisy's room, my dog's room or whatever.

She's fighting an owl on the couch, slept in Daisy's room, my daughter's room or whatever. She's fighting an owl on the staircase. No, she has blown up, this is what I find out in the morning, she has blown up the blow up bed that we have that goes into, no no, a blow up bed that goes into a tent, and she slept outside in the backyard to see the like solar solar eclipse in the morning. And it just so happened that on Sunday morning it rained. I'm like, what are you doing?

You're so drunk that you're blowing up a bed to the backyard. That's harmless fun at least. I know, but this is how drunk this guy is. But also how fun was your night? You in the whole bed with two dogs. Two dogs laying down, sleeping out. And then there's just moments where I'm like,

where is she? Not in the house and outside in the backyard. This guy, this is the drunken level of what we're talking about. He's up on the top level, he's sleeping up there for a quick nap. Once the veteran awoke around an hour later, he relocated to the driver's seat and managed to start the vehicle. Thank God. Oh, so he slept off, he tried to sleep off the alcohol.

I'm good now. To which I'm good now. I'm good now. I'm good now. I drive now. Yeah. Okay, I pose this question to you, Asif, because you're sitting on my right.

Yes. Why is it so easy to start this bus? That's a great question. I think it's easy to start this bus because a lot of these, I think, professional situations, they're not removing the key. You're switching drivers. I think so, yes. The They're not removing the key you're switching drivers Yeah, guys not taking the key and putting it on his carabiner. Whatever no no no

Stays in there, but if there's this level of trunk you're like they want me to drive They want me to drive and and and if you're that wasted he probably sat down It's like I gotta get like there's no barrier here if the key wasn't there He probably would leave if it turns out I should drive home exactly if it's this easy Why wouldn't I? This is universal time. This guy's driving. Yeah.

Why wouldn't he? And it's probably because it's what's the town called? Ham? Hamworthy. Hamworthy. I guarantee you it's not like a big traffic town. So he was probably seeing an empty road at 1 AM being like. With 20 roundabouts.

So I'm worried about that. Before John Ham got married, that's what they used to call the women he was dating. Is she Hamm-worthy? Is she Hamm-worthy? I don't know. But he's also finally met somebody who was. I can't even go too fast.

Yeah. And he's like, it's so close. Yes. Well, it wasn't. McCartan then reversed the 12-ton bus out of the station. Putting in reverse is deranged. Crashing into railings and a parked Fiat Panda car in the process.

See ya. See that's a problem. It's probably like a beautiful vehicle. I think that there's probably a lever system and he thought he was putting it in drive. Yes. But he accidentally put it in reverse. So he thinks he's going this way

and he winds up going that way. The court heard the damage to the bus railings totaled at $6,000. He's like, why are all those trees going forward? $4,600. No, you're going backwards. No, they're not going forward. He's talking to the screen.

He's like, no, no, no, put it in forward. This is like the rack focus and refresh. Siri, Siri, put me in forward. Nope, she can't help you. Believe it or not, the Fiat Panda did not survive getting hit. 12 ton bus. It was written off as a total loss. A sensible European car.

A carton. Then drove towards his, oh no, he's going to his home. Sure. In Hanworthy. He then drove towards his home at Hanworthy, where he then abandoned the bus with the engine still running. I'm going to ask you guys, how many miles did he drive the bus? Eight. Eight? Three. Three?

Twenty-seven. Okay, one of you is exactly right. So you now get to play the game. Do you stick with your answer or take somebody else's? I'll stick with mine. I'm sticking with mine. I think he went far. Three point four miles. Yeah, three's a reasonable amount of time. I mean, it's a small town. But look at this. This is what he, that's the route. He did a route. He's doing curves and turns curves and turns man, and he didn't hit anybody else on the way No, just that damn see out on the way out if you're driving a bus forward there It's in a town where it's empty. You can do it pretty good shot

It's just the drive reverse. I get better when I'm drinking. Yeah, it's like pool. It's like billiards. No distractions I had a family member tell me that once appearing. I'm not joking while they were driving Nine and I'm like, you know, you're like, I don't know what this is, but I know this isn't right Appearing at court this week McCartan claimed he had no memory of the incident Ewa Russell defending McCartan said that he had taken a Xanax a fast-acting tranquilizer during his night out to help with his anxiety Sure, that's what the alcohol is for. I got so much anxiety. She said, it's a rather bizarre thing to do

and something you can't get away with. McCartan is unable to offer any reasonable explanation. He hardly recalls the incident, but did recognize himself in the images and accepts that it was him. I know that guy. Okay, accountability. That looks like somebody I know.

Who is that? A little bit. That guy looks cool. He looks cool though. That's a cool guy. That looks like somebody I know. Who is that? A little bit. That guy looks cool. He looks cool though. That's a cool guy. That's a cool guy. McCartan, who said he was extremely remorseful

and upset about the incident, pleaded guilty to taking the vehicle without consent of the owner, magistrates, deferred sentencing, and the veteran has six months to prove that he can abide by the law, otherwise he could face jail. Sounds like a great movie.

Yeah, it's an Adam Sandler movie. No drinks for six months. Everyone around him, it's an Adam Sandler movie. No drinks for six months. Everyone around him is just trying to get him to party. It's like Super Bowl NBA finals. Like all these events, UFC's happening, and he's just like, ah! And we're gonna get sued, but it's called The Dude Abides.

Yeah, it's like, or Burt Kreischer, six months sober. He has to be sober for six months, or else he doesn't. This is categorized as sci-fi. Sci-fi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. All right, we'll get out of here on this. How old is Steven McCartan?

23. 23. 28. 30. 30? Steven McCartan, when we come back, I'll tell you everything I got going on. We'll hear about Telly Boys and so much more.

Yes. Steven McCartan is 52 years old. Oh my god. Throw him in jail. Throw him in jail. Come on, bro. Look at him. You gotta throw that guy in jail.

Not what you were picturing. Is Amish mom in there? No way. That's a mask. Is that actually what he looks like? Yes, that's him. Are those like actual piercings? Yes, he's like Amish punk.

No. That can't be a real, is that his beard? That's a mask. That's a mask. Yeah, well, this is from a couple years ago. But yeah, so it was still mask time. 50's a bit old. He has one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

52, this guy, take a look at him one more time. One year younger than us. No way. One year younger than us. Not counting his years, he has seven piercings on his face. It's a hard life. Either we look great or this guy's had a hard life. Can I ask you guys a question?

If you're getting seven piercings on your face, what's going on with you? Who touched you? You like the pain. You like the pain. And he wants people to ask him about it. He wants a conversation started. No, no, ask me about my piercings.

Yeah. All right, we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town. I'm so excited Asif Ali is here. We'll talk about his new show in a minute. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey gang, welcome back to the show. It's Dump People Town with Asif Ali, our great guest. By the way, Daniel Van Kirk, let people know

where they can see you coming up. Please do. Go to DanielVanKirk.com. You can listen to my weekly podcast here that I do in addition to this one called The Midnight Air. It's an overnight radio type podcast. Super easy listening, drops every Monday. And then danielvankirk.com for all my dates.

We're talking about Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Janesville, Wisconsin. I'm doing Hub City Comedy Week in Chicago where I get to live in Chicago again for the weekend this summer. I just do a show every single night at the Lincoln Lodge. We might even try to jump. I love that so much.

Headlining Limestone Comedy Festival at the end of May. I'll also be at Planet of the Tapes in Louisville, doing Portland, doing Northern California at the end of summer. Everything's at danielvankirk.com. I love it. All right, Asif, dude, I'm so excited for you. Not only, like, you've been in some great projects

through the years. Yeah. Does this one feel different to you? Yes. Does this one, like, because, like we all have, like we've all been a part of things that were like, we love this, I just wish it got Does this one, because we all have, we've all been a part of things that we're like, we love this, I just wish it got out to more people.

But now you're in Deli Boys, and just tell people, tell us what that has been like. Feels good, it's a show about two trust fund kids that find out that their dad was actually, who is a very upstanding member of the community, was actually running a secret drug cartel. Your own little Gustavo Fringe. Yeah.

And so, it was super fun. It's like a hard comedy. And yeah, I've never been a, like, I've never had such a big part in a show. Oh yeah, dude. You know, where you're like, you know, like you're one of the, you're the lead of the show. Sure.

You have like, you know, you're doing all the press and all that kind of shit, but it was really fun to be on a show that's not a thesis statement show. As much as I love a thesis statement show, I love the idea of being on a show that's just funny and the type of show that I wanted to watch when I was a kid. So, by the way, I love that.

By the way, when we were on What We Do in the Shadows, we asked Paul Sims, why is this such a good show? And he's like, because we're just trying to write the funniest thing we can. We just want this to be the funniest thing that it can possibly be, which is what reaches the largest amount of people. And so to your point, this is a very funny show

that it doesn't matter. If you make comedy the God that you follow in the show and the thing you go, then you're gonna pull people in. That's it. That's the only way, if half your goal is to try to help people understand what this culture is like, you're gonna lose people. Also, you're turning people off,

and especially if you're doing, this was like a drama, that'd be a different thing. Totally, totally. If you're just trying to make the funniest thing you can possibly make. What serves the comedy? Yeah. And if it happens to fall in line with what we just talked about, great.

Let it be a part of it. But this is what serves the comedy. Again, you make the point of like, all right, you're one of the leads in the show. And you have within you, we all do, like the ability to do this. So like, was that as you were going through it being like, I can do this, I can totally do this. I've always felt like, I can do this this because I've been on enough things and you guys have to where you're there and you're like This is the guy Where you go this is the guy right we're doing I could do this okay interesting

So it was one of those things but you know I it was always more so just a matter of getting the opportunity. That's the hard part. Yeah, the right opportunity to do it. And so this was, and it was so cool to be working with people who, everybody was game. Everyone was like, it felt, we shot in Chicago. Yeah, amazing.

And it felt like everybody was like, we started shooting, we did the pilot in like 23, I think, and then we didn't start shooting the show until like end of 24 ish and so it felt like Everybody was excited to be on the show but then also because of the right of strike everybody was also like cognizant of like How rare it is? Oh, we got a show love. We got a show. We're like man

We're making something better be the best possible thing we better show that all happens Yeah, that's one thing, but then to have it now be so well received. So well received. And people love it, like, you know you're gonna get another season. I hope so. We're knocking on everything.

Come on, Hulu. Come on, Hulu. Do the right thing. Because also comedy gets torched. We work in comedy. Yeah. Comedy never gets reviewed well. So I was not expecting the reviews to be that good.

Well they're good because the show is good. I love this and I love this for you. I'm so psyched and may there be a second season. I'm so excited about it. And may us all get on it. Yes, yes. Pull us in. I put that out into the world.

It's on Hulu, it's on Disney Plus if you're outside of the States, and if you're in India, it's on Hotstar. Hotstar? Which I have no reason not to watch the show. Hotstar I thought was India's fighting network. That's on Hotstar. Hotstar! Which I have no reason not to watch the show. Hotstar I thought was India's fighting network. That's like Worldstar. Worldstar.

I thought Hotstar was like sausage patties that are at Star Farms. Ooh. Here we go, story number two. Can't wait for everyone to watch that show. Yeah, so stoked. All right, story number two. Sent in by Laris, Laris? Laris. At the Girl on the Wall. She sent in before. Sure, yeah. Laris, Laris?

Laris. At the girl on the wall. She sent in before. Sure, yeah. Thank you, Laris. Laris. Here we go. This is the headline.

You look like a clown. Florida man wearing clown costume arrested for trespassing. Okay, did he think that? Yeah, did he say that to the cop? Yeah. Yeah, though. Yeah. Who said it to who, right?

And this was his disguise. He couldn't find a disguise fast enough. Or also like if someone calls you a clown and you're dressed like a clown, but they're calling you a clown in the other way that you're a clown. Come on. A well-placed calling someone a clown can be super hard. My kids love it when I do that. And devastating. My kids love it when I do that about other little kids.

I'm like, look at this clown over here. And they're like, come on. And it's like a little kid. They think it's so funny that I'm like shitting on a little kid. Yes, they love when I do. Clown? Yeah, it can be as hard as like bitch look at this little bitch. But it's appropriate It's appropriate. If like a comic tells you like about another comic like you know so it's like yeah I was doing shows in New York, and oh I saw so-and-so was on the show like yeah They're a fucking clown. Yeah, you'd be like oh, I will. I did not know that. I'm not gonna have them open for me

I understand this. Clown can go hard. Clown can go hard. I did not know that. I'm not gonna have them open for me. I now understand this. Clown can go hard. Clown can go hard, yeah. Clown can go hard. All right, here we go. A trespassing clown was arrested at a shopping plaza in Palm Bay, interaction captured by body camera video, which I did, I don't know if,

do we share this with Aaron? I wonder if I did, but. Sorry, what are we doing, post? Palm Bay Police Department posted a video on its social media Wednesday with the joke stating, of course they gotta make a joke. Of course they did. What do you call someone who returns to a shopping plaza

after they've trespassed, a clown? No. That's their joke. That's not even good. That's not even good. There were so many opportunities there. Right, they could've gone nuts. Yeah, but they just didn't.

I just called it. Who has two big feet, two thumbs, and is trespassing again? This clown. Alright, police said on March 24th. We're all gonna get hired to do punch-ups. He's down to clown police. At a very small city publication.

Alright, I'm not gonna tell you his age. Christopher Marlowe, that's his name. Isn't that a character? Yeah, that's a famous character. Marlowe is a very famous character. Christopher Marlowe, I feel like is from. That's Moriarty. That's Moriarty. Is Christopher Marlowe from Cyrano de Bergerat? Like Faust, I'm gonna look it up.

Christopher Marlowe is like an old, it's like a. It's not from. He's a Ben Affleck's character in. Christopher Marlowe's Ben Affleck in Shakespeare in Love. Ah. So that's a character. Yes. Thank you, thank you.

The guy who possibly wrote a lot of Shakespeare stuff. Yes. People fight about it. Oh yeah. Chris Marlowe. Yeah. Was captured on body cam video wearing a Ronald McDonald style clown costume

outside stores in the interchange plaza at 1155 Malabar Road, Northeast. Wait, this is Ronald McDonald. This isn't just a clown. This is the McDonald clown. Guy, look, this is the clown. All right, so Chris Marlowe, also known as Kit Marlowe, was an English playwright, poet, and translator of the Elizabethan era.

Marlowe is, so, I mean, of course he's gonna wear a big collar. Yeah. It's a clown. When officers encounter the suspect, Marlowe allegedly became aggressive. Always good to get aggressive when the cops show up, right? Yeah, the one time you should be kind of like being chilled

to like get them to give you leniency, what you do instead is go wrap it up fuck you I think it would be fun if while they're trying to put his hands behind him He just keeps blowing up balloon animals, you know, I mean like you clown like the flower with the water spray him in the face Grab this handkerchief and it just keeps coming out as his kids are older But other than the house which does phenomenal things wrong McDonald's house is not my great My family had to take advantage at certain times in our lives Outside of that and maybe your kids might be too old for this, but is Ronald McDonald completely gone from McDonald gone I just saw a video. I don't know like if you're doing happy meals is he still on that no no for kids

Clowns have become scary a form of fear. It's it. It's it now for them So there's no more around No fun clowns. Name me one fun clown there used to be both of the clown in Chicago. I saw it in New York Ah, here we go. Don't book him. Puddles pity party. Yeah Even he's kind of depressed. I know he's not he's sort of playing all playing in the face of a clown. Okay, I don't think I've There's not one fun cloud even like when I watch TV with my nephews. It's not fun. None of the kids programming has any clowns in it.

I mean, I will never love a clown since like, the point I started hating clowns was Poltergeist. Oh yeah. The general one's bad. Forget it. How about John Wayne Gacy? All right, here we go. Okay.

When officers encountered the society, he became aggressive, and he said, I'm not trespassing, and I'm gonna come back and F y'all. Oh. And what was he trying to get to? He was trespassing. He was just in the plaza, creeping people out.

I don't know what he was doing. Body camera video from police shows officers encountering Marlowe and the moments leading up to the arrest. Don't go anywhere, Chris, you're not free to leave. You know it's bad when the cops show up and say stay where you are, Chris. First name basis. Yeah, if the cop says your name

before they shut their door, they've all, it's too. That means that they've known about that guy, like that cop has known that guy since middle school. Correct. What are you doing, bud? Hey, Chris. Chris. We see you, bud.

We're gonna stamp your punch card. You get three more and then it's a free trip to jail. Chris. All right, here we go. Don bud? Hey, Chris. Chris. We see you, bud. We're gonna stamp your punch card. You get three more and then it's a free trip to jail. Chris. All right, here we go. Don't go in here, Chris. You're not free to leave. An officer can be heard saying, you're under arrest now, put your stuff down.

Why, so you can rob me? Marlowe's not. God, yeah. No. Could be another junior high thing. Yeah, bro. Come on, bro. You gonna bully me again? Officers attempted to apprehend to apprehend Marley pulled his arm away and started actively resisting an arresting officer

The affidavit read once on the ground though once he on the yeah The officer removed what appeared to be an orange flare gun from our lowest pocket That's kind of cool kind of on brand that is very like. That is very like, what kind of a gun would a clown have? A flare gun. Flare gun, fun, orange, like his hair. Once in Cuffs, Marlo was taken to the backseat of the patrol car where an officer told Marlo, you look like a clown.

That's good, that's good. That's good. That's good. I hope Marlo was like, yeah, you say that now that I'm in the car. Yeah, and you know he said it to the rear view mirror. Oh, 100%. He was like, you look like a clown.

As he's adjusting it. Yeah, you look like a clown. So this, I don't know if this is a joke or if it's real. The end of the video shows officers searching Marlo's backpack like a magic trick. The officers continue to pull clown costumes and red noses on him. That is it.

That is it. That's 100% true. 100% true. Look, I got another one. I want another one. Another one. Four lamp. You've heard of a clown them. That is it. That is it. That's 100% true. 100% true. Look, I got another one. I want another one. Another one. Four lamp. You've heard of a Mary Poppins bag.

This is a, yeah. I feel like also Chris has been in that small precinct so many times. Yeah. He gets there, he just signs a thing, they have a form, he just initials it, and then he goes, can I get a coffee? And they go, yeah.

He's here. Just put your shoes in your locker. He has a locker. Put it in your spot. Marlowe was booked into the Brevard County jail for trespass on property not structured for conveyance and resisting an officer without violence. There you go.

Can you look up, is there a way to look up how many people live in this little town? Brevard County is big. Brevard County is big. It's Miami. It's Palm Bay. Palm Beach. That's a lot of people.

Oh, it's a lot of people. Oh, okay. So he's just a regular. He's just a guy. It's Palm Bay, Palm Beach. That's a lot of people. Oh, it's a lot of people. Oh, okay. So he's just a regular. He's just a guy. It's not a small town. He's just a guy they know. Because they've encountered him a lot. And we'll get out of here on this before we go to Randy.

How old is Christopher Marlowe? Shakespeare, I guess. You wanna go first? Or you wanna go second or last? 50. I feel like these stories are older guys. 63. 63. 63?

I'm gonna go 31. There's no way it's 31. Get your answers in. Chris DiFermarlo is 40 years old. There you go. Hey Judd Apatow. Yeah, this is 40, guys. That's what, 40?

What are you really mad about me? First one, just tap it. I just feel like 40 is like yeah, I mean come on Yeah, 40 is like you should know better about what are you really mad? 40? You should know better sad that 40 is that kind of behavior is happening It's happening at least he didn't steal a double-decker bus as a clown that would have really done it that was more surprising 53 that's just the way it goes. All right, we have one more story left.

I can tell you that it has to do with the most on-brand person you've ever met in your entire life. Really? He is who we thought he is. When your face tattoo tells you what you're gonna do, that's all I can say. Hey, we got the star, one of the stars of Deli Boys with us.

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Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into this crazy story of the most non-brand person ever, we should let you know what we have going on. And so, superschoolers.com, we are doing our Tag It show, which we do, which you should do over the summer, my friend. I would love that. Where you come on stage, you do your set, and then we're writing tags the whole time

that we pitch you afterwards in front of the audience. You take the tags with you. They're yours. Oh, great. So, I mean, we've got, so the April one of this drops before April 23rd. We've got a great one on April 23rd with Earthquake, Howie Mandel, Annie Letterman, Justin Martindale, and I think that's it.

I think that's it. It's gonna be great. That's a great lineup. And then in May, May 24th, which is Wednesday, Jay Moore, Daniel Van Kirk is gonna be on that show. Dean Del Ray and others. So we do it every month at ComedyStore, superschoolers.com and then we're at the Historic Everett Theater which is like 30 miles north of Seattle.

Very excited in Washington on May 17th. It's a Saturday, it's like an 800 seat theater. Let's fill it, that's all I can say. That's amazing. Yeah, and we do that. Really psyched about that. Very excited, we might try and build some stuff around that, but we'll let you know,

and let's get into the story. Let's get into the summer dates. Okay, here we go. You ready? Story three, sent in by David Fournier at DP Fournier Two. He sent in a lot of good ones. Thank you, David. Man with machete tattoo on face is accused of what?

Where is the? Swinging a machete. Are we, you think we're going here to here with it? Oh, I'll show you. I don't know. What city are we in? Where's your guess? Oh, the machete? The machete. Are we going here to here with it? Oh, I'll show you. I don't know. Hold on. What city are we in? Where's your guess?

Oh, the machete? The machete is definitely, it's a side of the face. What do you think, Jay? Well, I've seen the picture. Yeah, it's literally right under his arm. No! Oh, he's got a little machete under his arm. He's got a baby machete.

Okay, I was thinking, we were thinking a big thing. He's gotta cut through all the red tape. Okay. Man with machete tattoo on face, accused of machete attack. Ha ha ha ha! Here we go. That's a little hacky.

That's a little hacky. That's horrible. Oh my God. You can take- It's like man with big butt farts on family. Yeah, yeah. That's what you're saying he's doing the thing we thought he was gonna do.

Man in clown costume acts like a clown. Yeah. He is who we thought we were. You are who we thought you were. Dennis Green, all right. They are who we thought they were. You can who we thought you were. Dennis Green, all right. They are who we thought they were. You can take some people at face value. Shut up.

Do you think the tattoo artist is like, are you sure you want a machete on your face? And he's like, I'm more sure of anything you've ever had. That's right. Did I not bring you a 24 pack of Coors Light? Did I stutter? Yeah. Are we not in a garage doing this right now?

Yes, I'm serious. A Florida man with an apparent tattoo of a machete. It's not apparent. It is what it is. On his face was arrested for allegedly attacking someone with a machete. All right, we're gonna see. Over the way, you're gonna hear.

Justin Couch, and we'll find out how old he is at the end. Justin Couch? Yeah, just in couch. Where's my machete? Just in the couch. Do you know how many times his parents, when he wasn't doing anything, they're like, oh, I guess he's just in couch again.

Do you know how many accidental phone calls he gets from JD Vance and they're like, oh, I guess he's just in couch. You know how many accidental phone calls he gets from JD Vance? JD like, help me, they won't respect me. The original Just Inside Justin. Justin couch. Is accused of slicing the victim's forearm with the blade, leaving him unable to move his left hand. According to the Hernando County Sheriff's Office,

the victim, an adult man, said the incident started Monday around what time? 1 p.m. 11 a.m. 11 a.m. 8 p.m. Get your answers in townies, it started around 2.30 p.m. Oh boy. Okay.

Post lunch, he got a lot of energy, wanted to walk around, wanted to walk it off. Kind of in a food coma, he's like, let me get a little center, ay, ay, ay, ay. When Couch began arguing with him for quote, no reason, and kicked him out of a home in Tarrytown, deputies said. When the victim asked if he could go grab his wallet and cell phone before leaving, that's the last straw.

You can't ask for your own wallet and your cell phone. By the way, why are you just leaving your wallet and cell phone around? Like who's? Wait, so these guys, where were they at? He went into someone else's house and then kicked that person out. When the victim asked if he could get it,

grab his wallet and cell phone before leaving, the couch told him, there's nothing here for you, leave. He did it. So wait, wait, wait, hold on. So couch went into somebody else's house. Yeah, I'm this too. And then said, hey, you get out of your own house and then you say.

Can I get my cell phone and my cell phone. And then he goes, prepare to die. There's nothing here for you. He then began striking the victim in the arm and the leg with the flat side of the machete blade. More of a smack. Oh! Yeah.

Whoopsh, whoopsh. Instead of this, he's turning it and just like a whippin'. Kinda like how people will get knighted. Correct. Or someone would enjoy getting spanked. Wow. Leslie told him, there's none of you here. He then began hitting the victim on the side thing couch

then swung the machete at the victim's face. The victim put his left forearm up to block it, slice with the blade before feeling severe pain and passing out on the couch. Is this an argument to lock your door? Yeah, couch then apparently took, just leave. Just leave? Couch then apparently, this is where it becomes Dumb People, took the victim to an unknown friend's house

who took the man to a hospital. So he did this to someone. Then felt bad? Felt bad, drove him not to the hospital, to a friend's house, who then drove him to the hospital and he wound up in the car. Because he's like, listen, I can't be tied to this. I can't be seen, yeah.

I can't be seen as a, I can't have any evidence on my body that makes me seem like I would swing a show. I just don't know, he's like, Verily invested, he's like Harvey Keitel, you're gonna be okay! You're gonna be okay! He was arrested Thursday and charged with aggravated battery. We get out of here on this! How does that guy have so many friends?

I don't know, I'm like, yeah, if you have a machete tattoo you should have zero friends. Or people should just be wary of you. He has people that keep tabs on him. That's what he is, and he thinks they're friends. Or people should just be wary of you. Wary of you? Yeah, he has people that keep tabs on him. That's what he is, and he thinks they're friends. He might took them to his dealer's house. If you see someone with a machete, phone and wallet in your pocket. I know we shouldn't judge people based off

of what they look like, but a guy with a machete tattoo on his face, I think it's safe to say that you probably shouldn't hang out with that guy. Just have your hands on your stuff. Keep your shit on you. All right, how old is Mr. Machete? Mr. Machete's a great name. Justin Couch.

Justin Couch. Justin Couch, I wanna say, that name feels like 33 to me. Ooh, that's a good, Jason, what do you think? Howdy, Pippin. 29. 29. I know, for everybody who yells at me,

I know Larry Bird's the bigger 33. But I am from- For you, it's for you. New York and Illinois. That's the bigger 33, but I am from for you than Illinois That's your thing. Uh, what'd you go with? 29 I'm gonna 26 years old one of you is one year off. I'm gonna go 25 years old. You can go up for your 30 for 28 well Walter Payton love that get your answers in See deli boys watch it on Hulu., please watch it. Disney Plus or Hotstar. Hotstar in India.

If somebody breaks into your house with a machete, just leave, let the cops come and get your wallet later. And just get out of there. Oh, I'm also on tour. You can find my dates on Ali Comedy on Instagram. ALI Comedy. Okay, there you go, watch it. Okay, how old is this guy?

He is 25 years old. There you go, Daniel! He knows his shit. 25? Yeah, that's how it goes. Guys, it's Dumb People Town. We do this thing every week and thank you for supporting us.

Hey, join our Patreon. We do really fun stories on that as well. It's patreon.com slash Dumb People Town. And we love you. No stamp, you're getting back to work. See ya. Bye. Stick around, make a sound. there's more than PeopleTown.