Dumb People Town - Bill Glass - Nordstrom Rackoon

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

Actor and improvisor Bill Glass (Dr. Rick in the Progressive ads, St. Denis Medical) stops by as Jason describes how a raccoon broke into a liquor store, got drunk, and passed out in the bathroom, Daniel explains why a Utah man stole a truck for an alien encounter, and Randy warns against calling 9-1-1 during your spiritual awakening, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Chewy! Every pet deserves a wish come true. Send your pet’s wish to Chewy.com/ChewyClaus and it might become a reality. Plus, your wish means Chewy will donate 5 meals to pets in need.

Hey guys, it's Kamel Nanjiani. My new stand-up special Night Thoughts premieres December 19th on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh. I am an immigrant. Are there any other immigrants here? Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. Don't miss Night Thoughts on December 19th.

Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. That wasn't my call. If it was my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call. Terms apply. On today's Don People Town with our great guest, Bill Glass, the great Bill Glass. We've got a drunk raccoon. We've got a man who steals a truck to go see aliens.

Feels bad about it. Feels bad about it. And another man who is having a spiritual awakening and called 911 a lot of times. All of that. And Bill Glass on Dub People Town. Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folk so unaware. They lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose will make the news. Breaking down each epic.

fail in Florida there's half price bail i'm happy to say they couldn't make this don't go listen to our podcast band with co-host arm and dan benders don't be a jerk when the music gets the funny hits and we are gonna take you down stick around make a sound hunger down you don't people town guys it's the holidays and the holidays for me means time on my couch with my dogs and just hang out with them and pets in general people are so happy to spend this time with their pets. Make your season bright. Oh my God. That's why I'm joining Chewy Claws. What is Chewy Claws, you guys ask? They are out here making pet wishes come true from November 4th to November 24th. Share your pet's wish at chewy.com slash

Chewy Claus, C-L-A-U-S. It could become real and it helps others too. Each wish triggers a donation of five meals to shelters and rescues all across the country. Submit through the Chewy app and they will double the donation. A wish for a pet really is the the wish that keeps on giving. It really does. Thank you, Chewy Clause. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down. It's Dumb People Town.

Hey, Tadys, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population. Population Glass. Bill Glass. Welcome to town. Long time coming. Happy visitor. Happy visitor.

So happy to have you here. We obviously have known you through the comedy world and having done I.O. West shows years ago with you. So far, Armando show. Yeah. But to see you and this commercial campaign that you are in, Progressive helps you make your, that you're, if you think you're turning into your parents. Don't turn into your parents.

It's just the most wonderful, when you were picked for that thing, I was like, yes, yes, a million times yes. And then every single thing that comes out. No, it's rare when you can do a commercial and actually be funny in the way that you're funny. We'll talk about that later. I won't get to that at the time because we've got dumb behavior. breakdown is dumb by the way i'm excited to dive into this i mean it's kind of the whole thrust of the campaign is that it's people are dumb and they don't know like all the people are just they don't

know they're being dumb right we need a lack of self-awareness which is part of in daniel it's part of the dumb randy uvra it is god damn right i'm gonna get into a story how about i start this is the sent in by eric melby m'b melby it's like his she be carline anyway so our fans send us in stories you can do it go to uh x and do at daniva kirk i call it twitter you call it twitter and uh twicks and uh just send us a story that way we know and all the people who send in stories i mean eric melby has eric melby sent in a story i'm not sure this might be a new welcome to the sound them a rookie rookie of the maiden voyage yeah rookie in here uh all right here's the headline raccoon goes on liquor fueled rampage after breaking into alcohol store and is later found passed out by the toilet well that

makes sense how much high quality trash panda right there right thank you how much do you think he drank to get to that place because i know my limit it's one shot and then i'm down and out well i'm i'm 250 yeah used to drink back in the day so it would probably take me three or four jack and coax to get there i mean this guy what's your what's your number i mean i did a what's your sleep number as they said did a show called shot for shot that i created where you do a famous movie scene seven times and every time you have to take a shop before it starts and I was fine you were fine at the end of that yeah I mean my marriage is in shambles oh yeah but resolute well I mean I knew I knew that was the show so I pounded water all day and then had like four pieces of pizza before the show started so I'm like

just to soak up yeah just to like so it was odd when you drink with preparation that you're you're like oh I'm drunk but I'm fine like control yeah you know if I had thought a pizza is a quality pre-so. Yeah, that's amazing. I don't know. Probably like, was it in Chicago? Ending up by the toilet, that's like blackout level drunk. That's probably like 10 to 12 drinks in the course of a night. I mean, pandas, or pandas, trash pandas, I mean, raccoons to me, they're so human like it's crazy. They're white trash. They look like, I mean, great outdoors. In a big sweater. But you have to applaud the effort that the raccoon got to the toilet. Right. That just shows he knew where he was going. He knew where he needed to go. Let's hear it.

He just kept yelling, hold my hair to no one. He's like, hold my sweater back. Here's what says, need to know. A quote, very intoxicated, unquote, raccoon was, quote, apprehended, unquote. Wait, so was he intoxicated or was he not intoxicated? Was he apprehended or was he not apprehended? After breaking into a Virginia liquor store on November 29th and ransacked the shells, animal protection officially. You didn't do it on purpose.

That's just what raccoons do. They ransack everything. It is on purpose. His curiosity was not rewarded. in the way that he expected right his goal wasn't to like wreck the place no it was to get some apple puckered i just saw a video of a dog with like a dog up on top of a pool table with the with the cue ball in his mouth and he spits it out and it knocks the eight ball corner pocket in i'm like and everyone cheers to the dog i'm like dog does not know what he just did has no idea

no clue no clue dog doesn't understand billiards i think the ball was like see these two balls let me keep my two balls. Right. That's what the dog said. I think the dog was like, there's a snack after this. Right. If I achieve what my dumbass owner is asking me to do right now, I get a snack. So it's not like the raccoon was like, I'm now going to knock off this liquor store, but he is acting like a lot of, he's acting like Russell Crowe. All right, here we go. After ransacking the shells and getting drunk, the raccoon passed out in the store's bathroom. The raccoon was transported to a shelter it was allowed to sober up for a few hours. The raccoon is now whispering pines and then safely released into the while. Yeah, he's got to go to rehab.

I mean, but now he's got a taste bill. But how is a raccoon sobering up? Are we going Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, is it water? Let him dry out. Is it a B-12 shot? Is he taking a B-12 in the ass? He's in a bag.

He's like in Vegas when you get the bag, he's getting an IV. I hope the raccoon, like, feels like it has to put out a statement. Yeah. Yeah. Like, hey, I'm going to take this time to reflect on choices I've made in my life. I apologize to everyone in the forest who always supported me. Yeah. To my raccoon family

I'm sorry I embarrassed those of us Half apologies if you were a person who decided To be offended by what I did Hey, that's not an apology That says terrible I apologize to you I'm sorry for being curious And exploring the world around

I'm sorry you couldn't handle me Maybe you don't like Soko and Lyme I'm a different type of record I'm sorry none of you wanted to come with me Yeah way to sit it out and be on the bench Soco is totally what a raccoon would go for Soco and Lime Soco and Lime

Malibu. Sunko and Lyme, you are not 30. What about like a Jim Beam and Gingerail? That's a little casual. I do a version of that up at the cabin. J.B. and Jim. Cabin Supreme's a little. Cabin Supreme.

That's where Rory named it. You guys got a mint jule. Rory named it a cabin supreme when I took. Rory Spowell is a buddy in my name. It's like an hour north of Madison. All right. And it's Canadian Club and Gingerail. It's a little cabin supreme.

It's a great. A great little happy. You were in Chicago for how long? Yeah, until 98. So I was 26 when I left, wait. Did you ever go up to people's like cabins in Wisconsin or like, you know, like, but now my, now my in-laws are on the border of Illinois and Wisconsin. Oh, yeah.

Antioch, Antioch, Illinois. Near Waikigan. Near a lot of way up there. We got to drive over the border. Yeah. At Kenosha. At Kenosha. Yeah.

The brot stop. Brat stop. You walk right out on the lake. they won't even body it right you drive out drive out on the leg they don't care go raccoon or wherever you don't go half ton though go quarter time quarter time I made the payments

I can take it where I want okay we're going where we don't need roads where we're going we don't need insurance if you can't afford to lose it don't drive it yeah it ain't really yours then it ain't really yours until you lost it and I said that about her too

so this raccoon yeah God A Hanover County Animal Protection, H-C-A-P officer, responded to a call at a liquor store in Ashland, Virginia on the morning of Saturday, 29th. When she arrived, the officer found a raccoon had broken into the building before pulling new... Where?

Broken. From a ceiling. Sealing? Yeah, yeah. Drop-top. Drop through one of those, like asbestos ceiling. Yeah. Brogan in the building before pulling numerous bottles of liquor

off the shelves, according to the statement post-line. This to me is hilarious. So pull the liquor out of the shelves. It breaks. And then it's drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, trick, lick, lick, sure. I mean, so just a little bit, but, like, it is kind of fun just the idea of a raccoon pulling things off the shelf. What's even more fun to me is maybe a raccoon standing in front of the shelf. Deciding?

Deciding what to pull down or what shelf to knock over. Isn't there that meme of, like, a dumpster door opening and a raccoon standing in it? Do you have you seen that? Yes. You know what I'm talking about? And it stands there like. It's super casual. It's so casual.

That fits this story. That raccoon is this one. I definitely want the raccoon to have been like, so when I was in Japan, I'm wearing the jacket, my Japan jacket that my wife would not let me wear in Japan. She was like, you cannot wear this in Japan. I was like, it's from Japan. Yeah. She's like, you can't.

It's like, that's like wearing a docking shirt to a dock in concert. Can't do it, can't do it. So that was my bid every day. Every time we went out for dinner, I would like put this jacket on and be like, I'm ready. And she's like, no, you can't wear that. So I, so in Japan, we go to us, we're in Osaka. and I find this hidden bar like in the behind a like a phone booth like an old British phone booth you push it in and you're in this bar super narrow 10 seats I didn't even know where the

bathroom is there's like a trick wall that slides with like whiskey on it that slides aside you can go to the bathroom coolest dude ever coolest Japanese guy ever working there his name was his name was you you Ichiro that was his name maybe you was his last year was first name and you would just tell him what you wanted You would just say, like, I want a dry vodka drink. And he'd be like, I got you. And he's like, I've never made the same drink twice. He just looked up on the wall at like his stuff.

And this is what I imagine the raccoon did. I bet he doesn't make Cabin Supreme. Maybe he does it. Got in there a Cabin Supreme? He'd figure that out. Cabin Supreme. Each year old. Each year old, you got a cabin Supreme in there?

We got a cabin Supreme back there somewhere. Get some rolls we can have while we sit here. You guys got crunchy nuts. Don't do pass bread. Make it neat. I didn't say ice. Neat. No ice.

Anyway, this guy, but he does... Old enough outside. I want a little warmness. And he made me the best drink I've ever had in my life. And then I was like, I love this. You can make whatever you want just in this family. And he, like, made me another one that wasn't that, that had different stuff in it, but was equally as good.

He's like, I've never made the same drink twice. The way he turned and looked at the wall of liquor, this is what I'm imagining the raccoon did. But so, but speakeasy takes the raccoon story to understand. another level. Like if you, instead of raccoon breaks into liquor store, if you were, raccoon breaks into high-end speakey. He serves customers for years. Stays on board as a bartender. You guys, there's this raccoon lead speakees in Osaka. A discerning bartender that's a raccoon. No, it's not a person. It's a raccoon. No, it's a raccoon. Yeah. And he understands English. And he's just him with his tiny hands like.

You're going to know, you're going to know. You're going to know. by the toilet, but it's worth it. It's worth it. It's this big. The shaker is this big to the raccoon? All right. According to age cap, the raccoon was very intoxicated when it was discovered lying face down in the liquor store's bath. He started making threats.

He knew. I'll take this whole place down. You can't stop me. And they tried to stop him. Photos posted the agency's Facebook page. And another thing. Your wife's brother. Wait, who's he talking about?

I just see the raccoon like take. in the trank dart and going, you can't stop. He licks the tip. You can't throw it back at him. Come at me, bro. In photos posts to the agency's Facebook page, of course, everyone's on Facebook. The Isles of Ashland ABC

store are littered with broken bottles of gin and whiskey, among other spirits, on the floor. Another photo depicts the raccoon lying face down, limbs splayed next to a toilet. Just that to me. I'll show this to you here. Oh, my God. That's the aisles.

It destroyed it. He destroyed it. That's a full-on rancet. He didn't identify it. Whatever else he was in. I see a tankeret in front. A tankeray. A tank array.

A love a good tankeray. Tankeray. Tankeroy. The Department of War whiskey, you didn't know you eat it. Tank or Ray. Tankeray. Let's see him laid out. I don't know what else you see in there.

What else do you see? Look at it. Dan's a drinker. Dan will get some of there. Do you guys drink as well? I do. I know, but I've been dialing the best. Jay does know anything.

Why don't you do the rest of story. Sweet and sour mix. Glenn Fittich. Yeah. Glenn Fittich. He got serious. Did he go top shelf on this stuff? Yeah.

It looks like a bottle of... He had a 12-year malt scotch. He pulled down. Japanese whiskey. It's about all absolute vodka. Who organizes this store? None of this stuff goes together. So it's a little on the store.

It's like... I don't want to blame the victim here, but... No. But I'm going to organize your stuff better. You're going to put good liquor at Raccoon height. Hey, listen, if a raccoon comes in the air, we got to put all the stuff in box raccoon can grab it

it's your fault look what if a raccoon breaks in we gotta be prepared bottom show who are there's like look there's like guy who always says what if a raccoon comes here is finally gets to be like I told you I told you so you guys were to put this on another

show there's literally like behind a locked thing canister cased whiskey next to airplane bottles of Jim Beam next to fifths of Dan is upset at like the shelves not what has been broken well just the also the array of a little bit of this.

This raccoon was like the fat kid in Willie Wonko and he walked into everything. Everything's liquor? He's an amateur. I mean, he mixed and he paid for it. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Liquor before beer. Very true.

Raccoon guy's going, you didn't confuse him with your airport bottle strategy. He knew right where to go. If he smashes these airport bottles, he's still going to get drunk. But then there's the clean. I love this story. It's in Virginia, but we are all Chicago guys. I moved here from Rosemont 30 years ago. I want to be near my kids.

Trying to be near my kids. What do you want for me? I was a scatty corner from the horizon. We live right near to the horizon. You see all those dead shows back in the day. I caught a whiff of the weed from that park. I caught Jordan practice. I was so high the next day I was at my kids soccer practice.

I started eating all their snacks. Tail game more like a weed game. Yeah. Thanks, right? I told her you take those kids down to Virginia. Guess who's coming to? Me. I'm going to be living right next door to your hands.

I'm going to open a liquor store. I will stay the appropriate restraining order away unless we are doing the handoff. I will be there for the handoff over in. That's why I had to close a liquor store early. I'd go do the handoff. The handoff. Oh, geez.

Chicago. Fortunately, the band had survived his wild weekend and has since been safely released back into the wild. Life choices. Yeah, but like now he's seen like a window into the world. It's like an Amish Rumspringer. It's like, unless you can, you win. And maybe he won't go back. Like, if you guys, you can find a to lick or like a weird mushroom to eat.

What is it? Oahuasca is next. Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca. I mean, like, if it grows out in the world and you can eat it and it's because, isn't there like. Suddenly he's like hanging out with Aaron Rogers. Yeah. What?

You guys are friends? Wait, he, that doesn't make sense. All right. He knows who Aaron Rogers' wife is. Officer, no one knows. Officer Martin is safely secured our masked bandit. Yeah, China like Trump. Yeah.

And transporting him back to the shelter to sew up before questioning. Questioning. Get out of here. Come on, people. The H. Capp's statement continued after a few hours of sleep and zero signs of injury, other than maybe a hangover and poor life choices. He would save to release Bag of the Wild, hopefully having learned that breaking and entering is not the answer.

It didn't learn anything. And that's it for this story. But like what I find interesting about it is they are personifying this guy to the highest degree. And so did you. And so did you. And so did a little bit too. We did a little bit too. I mean, I do.

it is just weird to like what like if he broke into like a clothing store this doesn't even happen I mean but if he does put on a shawl but if security now hold on if security footage in the clothing store reveals him doing a fashion show

a raccoon fashion show and he brought one of those little bottles he brought a little on the way and he's got like a tiny purse he's got a roadie and he's looking at the rack deciding what to try on it's got like a tall boy high noon Just walking around the clearance

Where are you shot? Where are the largest? I don't like it to be fitted. You know I like it to be a little stretch. Is Van House in a good brand? Can I still wear polo and get away with it? Nordstrom raccoon is what that's great. That might be the title.

That is. All right, there you go. Story number one down in the books. When we come back, we'll talk about Bill Glass's fantastic campaign that he's got that just keeps running, baby. They're running and it's so good and you can watch. I'm sure you're going to do some Super Bowl stuff. We'll talk about all of it.

And then what we have going on, which is a very exciting thing coming up if this drops before it. And all sorts of good stuff. It's Dump People Town with Bill Glass. We'll be right back. Woo. Stick around.

Make a sound. Come you down. It's Dump People Town. Guys, pet parents can send their pets wish to chewy.com slash chewy claws. We're all joining it. I love it. And it might just come true.

And you spread your joy because each wish means that five meals get donated to pets in need. I love this. Send your pets wish through the Chewy app and they will double their donation to shelters and rescues across the country, shelters and rescues need you especially during these winter months. And shelters and rescues can join in on the joy

by submitting their own wish list to Chewy Clause. Their community can find their wish list and donate items directly to them. Chewy Clause is spreading joy with your wish. So I already love Chewy. I was a member. I was, like, subscribing to all their stuff before they started sponsoring our podcast.

I love this. I've signed up for Chewy Claws. Put my pet's wishes on there, both Pano and Zini. They give me the opportunity to do so much for your dogs. And now they're giving you the opportunity to do so much the holiday season for dogs who need homes. I use this. I use Chewy and I use this thing.

You guys should use it too. All of you should. It's very easy to do. All right. So every pet deserves a wish and that wish to come true. Send your pets wish to Chua.com slash Chewy Claws. It might become a, reality. Plus, your wish means Chewy will donate five meals to pets in need. I love Chewy. Do

this. Join it now. Hey guys, it's Kamel Anjiani. My new stand-up special Night Thoughts premieres December 19th on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh. I am an immigrant. Are there any other immigrants here? Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. Don't miss Night Thoughts on December 19th. Streaming on Hulu and Hulu. on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. That wasn't my call. If it was my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call. Terms apply.

Stick around. Make a sound. Come you down. It's dumb people town. Hey, everybody. Welcome back. Before we jump into and talk about what Bill Glass has going on, let's mention what we have happening here. Now, I'm not sure when this is going to drop, but if it does before, and hopefully it will, before we do our wonderful thing that we're about to do, which is a, comedy and alt cast from the cheap seats on true tv on december 23rd i'm so excited about it true tv we're doing the black hawks flyers game so like the mannings do the manning cast we have three

hours and daniel's going to be a part of it he's writing on it along with brad morris already so much fun and these guys are going to be characters if this comes out afterwards just like on instagram or whatever just at t andt and be like i loved it so much please do more of Yeah, to all of our fans, this is how you can help us. Take you 10 seconds to, I guarantee, move the needle. 100%. If we send, like, you know, hundreds of tweets to these people. And if you miss it, I'm sure it'll be stuff on social, like, go check it out and be like,

oh, my God, I need to see more of this. Let them know. Because there's an opportunity. It really matters. TNT and the Turner family. They like it. Turner Sports has the NCAA tournament. They've got TBS baseball on TBS.

They've got Big 12 and Big East college football. And then the NHL and TNT. So there's an opportunity to do more. which we'd love to do. Hell yeah. And involve our friends and do funny sketches and bits. And so it is like cheap seats 2.0.

Live kind of live sports cheap seats. I feel like it's 10.0. Yeah. Live, it's like, you know, it's watching a game with friends. Yeah. You know what it reminds you of? I think it's like a little bit of

when Randy and I guest host Jim Rome's radio show and we get to bring in people doing characters and bring in bits and stuff like that while also delivering the straight sports. Especially when you have something break that day. Like you guys go in real time, and what's happening as a story develops. And there's been sports stuff.

Everybody's, you know, sometimes in the summer, people are like, oh, it'll be slow. And then you just never know. Like, crazy town. Crazy stuff. So you guys are great at that. True TV, December 23rd, 9 p.m. Eastern time is this game between the Blackhawks of the flyer. Hey, Philly.

And a person is like, I don't really watch much hockey or maybe I don't even watch much sports. This would be, if the three of us said, come over to the garage and let's watch a game together and you think you aren't going to have fun. It's the best. That's what this is for. So it's something, too, if you've got people, roommates or partners in your life where you're like, I love sports, but they don't. This is the cast to watch. This is how you pull them in. We are going to have a kegurator full of Yarmir Yagermeister.

Not Yagermeister. Yagermeister. There might be a raccoon who's drunk, just like laying down flat on his past. There's got to be a raccoon Easter egg on your set somewhere. Yeah, we got to put a drunk raccoon just laid out. So anyway, that's on True TV on 9 p.m. Eastern Times, 6 p.m. West Coast time. Congratulations. And you got two original.

six teams right like black yeah that's so exciting i mean so exciting there's the original so a lot of history that's happening watch for all of that and if you uh didn't see daniel van kirk in good sports which he was fantastic in the red flag football sketch he was fantastic and has the bad banger line the best laugh it's in the second hit of the of the commercial red flag football but go back and watch all those on uh on amazon prime which is fantastic we j and i you can definitely see our hands in this as writers on this and we were in the first episode as well so that's what's going on but uh let's talk about bill glass let's talk about dr rick thanks guys it's just unbelievable like when you got this i was like oh thank god because we know what a great improvise you are and i can

tell i know there are scripted things in there but i'm sure over time they have allowed you to improv or at least react in ways that are like very yeah the reaction now my improv is mainly reactions. Right. It's so good. Playing with such great, like we were talking before, Chris Wittoski, Mike Nelson. Oh yeah. Chris Wittosk. I think it's how we say her last name. She who plays Julie. Like I'm dealing with a murderer's row of improv people who come in. So my job is just to, you know, straight man it and kick off of them. And it's been so joyful man. It's better than that. There's moments where they do things that are really crazy. And you're the quickness with which you're like, okay, let's put that way. Like it's like, you know what? We're done. You know what? We're done.

And it's like your corraling of the craziness and how quickly you jump on them is always funny to me. It's a laugh every single time, which when are we laughing at commercials, guys? When are we doing it? I got to give them a ton of credit because that is the one company that through all the flow stuff and like Stephanie Courtney, who's our friend and Natalie Palominois, who's our friend. They use great people and they are not afraid to go for the comedy of something. but this concept of this commercial is it reminds you of the old sports center commercials it's like a beautiful concept that just keeps unfolding well hey it's a huge compliment to get you guys to say you like him that means the world to me but also man the sports center thing i'd never heard that before that's a high compliment too if you think those are great it was a great concept that then was played out beauty which is like sports and the entire world of sports happens at ESPN that's the concept now watch every single thing get played out, whether it be Roger Clemens, you know, photocopying Ks to put up or LeBron James in an office chair. And I was just going to say his chair. His chair is a throne. I mean,

like these things, but they're like at the office. So the overall concept is great. And then it gets every single example of it is just fantastic. And you're just amazing. I'm like so happy that you have this wonderful job and let it continue for years and years and years and put money in your pocket. I feel very, I'm very grateful. I'm very fortunate to have a steady. gig at this age and the people like we already talked about people I'm working with I do have to say for the record Stephanie Courtney belongs in the Hall of Fame oh my God I mean to do what and I've never met her oh I've never I've never I've never know her she's the coolest she's the best I mean she was on madman she's like a great actor oh yeah beyond the commercial so funny but I mean to do so much

with insurance copy oh for 15 16 whatever year she's been doing it I mean she's in the hall of fame she is like she played my wife on a little web series we did back on top or Back on tops. Yeah, she was so good. And it's like, you know, but she comes to that improv world of which you do too. And it's like your instincts, it's so funny because when improv is done correctly, it's just the way real people would act in bizarre situations. It's like what people who don't know improv do is they make like the craziest choices ever. Well, it's playing guitar.

Well, I have guys. I'd rather sit on a train. When I was younger, I was, like, big and loud, I thought that was funny. And then as you get older, I've realized, like, if I make them look good, we'll all look good. Or at least that's my goal in this. I don't know. You're also looking good at this. You're being very humble.

You are looking very good at this. I'm proud of it. Don't get me wrong. I think I'm doing good. But, I mean, I just. Do they send you out to events? Like, you should be at the Super Bowl in a box. I would love that.

Like, oh, no, you at like a concessions at the Super Bowl being like, okay, we do have lines. This isn't a free for all. Anytime you want to get over this. I was going to ask you, do you ever like think of a scenario and then can you like write it down and say like, have we done this? Because I've always wondered if you guys, because I haven't seen them all, like, have you ever done yelling at other people's kids? Like, where somebody's like walking by a playground and like, get down, that's too high. And you're like, those aren't your kids. No.

And they might be allowed to do that. another one I thought it would be like talking to the waitress too much why don't you tell me about yourself that we don't, she's working we did do one where you don't need to know the server's name that's what I think of okay so I did that one

but live stuff like this I think I will brag a little bit I think I'm the first commercial character to ever have a book released like they made a book and there's a digital copy but they have I have a handful left of the hard copies of it and there was a talk for a minute of doing a book tour

Oh my gosh. I was like, why are we not doing that? I would go push that back forward because I think people would come out. It's a fun little gag gift to give to somebody. And if I was sitting there in the mustache, you know, signing a book and like a ball. Because you can improvise if you had like a regular, you know, moderator. Sure. And people come in and talk to you about their scenarios of where they behaved and you can like give them

therapy in the moment of it. That's another one. Like a couple of the commercials, I've been doing a seminar. I don't know if you've seen this drama on stage. Yes, yes, yes, yes, great to go, it would be lovely. It would be great to go out and do that live. Oh, my God. With a book tour or me do a real seminar without actors there.

Right. If I could handle it, you know, improvisational. A hundred percent you can handle it. You could also even do the thing where you go out with like a friend or two and do like an improv show tour that is tied into the book. So you're on one hand, like, it's you like playing around and doing it. You're going to tell us something crazy realized and then we're going to improvise. the result or a scenario off of your

story. See, that would almost like a Dr. Rick Mando. Yes. Rick Mando. Dr. Rick Mando. But and again, I'm not sliding progressive.

But I would love to do all of these things, but as you can imagine on the corporate. It's a hard thing. It's a lot of desks. It's a, it's a character they're proud of and caring for right now. But I would love to do any of it. I mean, sign me up.

And again, I'm just grateful for the people I get to work with. Well, you're great. That's a lot of fun. Thanks. Amazing. I really appreciate it. May it last forever and ever. Amen, brother. I got two kids in college. Same. Same. You guys ready for story two?

Yes. Let's do it. Sent him by going hog wild at X. Manser Necro. I don't know any of that means. It feels like a gamer. Going to hog wild. Okay. I love the headline. I love the headline enough. Utah man steals truck for alien encounter, but felt bad and returned it. Well, there you go. So felt bad for the alien or felt? No. No. We're stealing it. Oh, okay. So he has enough conviction to know, I need this truck to get to the alien encounter. That's right. That's right.

But then on some point in the way there, loses that conviction and go, I'm going to write I can't steal a truck. Well, I think he had. These aliens are going to say, how did you get here? And that's how I'm showing up. I think he was a little arrogant in planning the alien encounter. Isn't the alien encounter normally a surprise event? Right.

To steal the truck. Not if you know what to read. Well. Tea leaves, bro. I don't know where the aliens are coming for you. You don't yeah not it depends on what podcast you're listening that's right but yeah no that there is there probably was a moment Dan where he was like they're going to ask me for title and registration and then what and then what and then one of my or he's like this is how I'm

going to represent earth as a thief as a thief I can't do that like this is what your first impression I have an obligation to the human race first comes the anal probe yeah then the emotional and I won't even be into it because I'm thinking about how I stole that truck Your mind's not there for the abduction in the true experience. You're taken out of it because you lifted Earl's truck from his backyard. If they're going to probe me, I want it to be about me being into it. Right. And I can't.

Yeah. I want to be, if I'm going to get abducted, I want to be fully present. He's like, you know, when you're thinking about other stuff when you're getting a massage. I just don't want to do that here. I just can't do that. I can't know I'm a stealer. That truck becomes an anchor. Right.

On your heart. It pulls you down. It got me there, but it's an albatross. All right. Here's the story. It comes to us from KU TV. a Utah man allegedly stole a truck. He said he needed to rendezvous.

I hope that's his word. Rendavu? Yeah, I'm trying to rendezvous. I'm at the rendezvous spot. Guys, I didn't even go to the rendezvous. I'm halfway to the rendezvous. Oh, don't slip into Chicago again. We're in Utah.

We're in Utah. He said he needed to rendezvous with aliens but fought bad for stealing the truck and returned it to A, where else, 7-Eleven store. There you go. Don't know what to do with it. That's where you've. found it. Oh, he returned it to a 7-Eleven store. Got it. Bryce, Gerald Dixon. B.J.D. All sound like towns in Utah. Got to be a... Counties, at least.

Bryce. Got to be a three-nameer, though. I went to Bryce and I saw the arches. Yeah. And then I went to Gerald and I went to the hot springs. You know he goes by BJ. B.J. B.J.D. He has to. He's a three-nameer using the word rendezvous. Is Gerald not a... He's standing outside of 7-Eleven contemplating... And you know, aliens. You know, the... The Ray Leota of it all, Third Acts, Goodfellas, like, looking up. He is, like, frantically, like, being, I got to get to the rendezvous and, like, looking up. I'm going to be late. I got to tell, call my brother, stir that gravy.

I put it in the GPS. You better stir that gravy. Bryce Gerald Dixon is accused of theft of a vehicle in three attempts. Good for him. To escape from official custody after he returned a red pickup truck that he later told police he needed so he could get to the, get to the Coliseum to get on a flight with alien. diplomats. This is Bagonia. Have you guys seen Bagonia? No. I haven't as

all I will say about that. Is that a new magnolia? No. Look, I'm going to go a hot take here. Everyone knows you don't go to an abduction rendezvous point with a red truck. It's got to be blue. Guys, what are we doing? After September? After Labor Day? What do you do? I mean, red is

coming in hot. You look aggressive. Sent a message. Way too hot. It's so funny because in closing encounters of the third kind, which would make sense if the aliens weren't colorblind, which they are. Richard Dreyfus is our guy. So even though we're watching him unravel for a while there. He's our guy, but he's not his son's guy.

100% or his wives. But he's ours. But he's our guy, you know, in the movie. And so some are unraveling, but we feel very justified. If you step back, just the mashed potatoes alone, you're like, hey, we're going to get a hotel. Yeah. But he's this guy. Yes.

This guy hasn't got to the final 25 minutes of the movie. He doesn't even know how to play a recorder or a piano. No. No. No. It doesn't even say his music selection. No. We're not even talking about what he was going to use to get them down.

Yeah. Obviously. Also, what coliseum in. That's what I want to know. There we go. And the fact that they are not aliens, diplomat aliens. They're representing the major aliens. But why would the diplomats, they would send someone else to come get you?

Also, like how. That sounds like you would delegate. Yes. The diplomat. The diplomat. doesn't go? No. The diplomat delegate. And he's a hostage situation. Well, yeah. So, like, I imagine him telling the cops. They're like, wait, you stole this.

No, I brought it back. I brought it back. Number one. Number two, they're like, so where were you going? I was going to the rendezvous. For what? For what? The aliens. You're aliens are in crime. Not alien diplomats and they asked me, they asked me to go to the rendezvous. The way he says it is like, you're stupid for not knowing this. A hundred percent. He likes sings songs. Is that the Coliseum? You're asking it. Coliseum. What Coliseum. You know the Coliseum. They asked me to get there. How do you not know this? They don't say in the article.

Flat Earther? Oh. Oh, come on. Come on. How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you?

You're offended I ask. How dare you? For you to assume we did not have shared knowledge. How dare you? Like, I will drive this truck off the face of the earth. According to court documents, Dixon intended to drive the truck all the way to the Coliseum. That's got to be some. In L.A.?

What if? U.S.C.'s. but he felt bad for stealing it so he returned to the 7-Eleven that he took it from to give it back the truck had been reported stolen so when the owner i'm not here to victim blame no left his key he left his truck unlocked with the keys inside while he dropped into the store bro bro what are you doing what's the worst going to happen a guy going to steal my car to go to a coliseum to meet alien diplomats guys guys let's relax i think i get some corn nuts that's like a raccoon breaking into a I mean, come on.

Come on. I mean, come on. We're okay. I have to make an admission. When I was home for Thanksgiving. Oh, no. It was very cold, very cold in Rochelle. You left the car running.

I went to the Quickstar, which is the Illinois version of QuickTrip and where my allegiance is lie. I love QuickTrip, but I got a ride with Quick Star. Ride or die. And I got, it was so cold that I was like, I'm going to leave this car running. Because it was Rochelle. And I did think to myself. This car could be running away.

for me. Yeah, you might as well just leave the doors open and see what you catch. Because you never know. My grandpa always said a locked door keeps a good man honest. Because a bad guy, it don't matter if it's locked or locked. He's coming in. But you make somebody question what they want to do here, even if they're a good person. Put a fence up. Someone's like, I'm not going over that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I am as bad as 7-11 truck owner. Dan, I can't believe you get this. And I will probably do this for the rest of my life. If I'm in Rochelle, you leave the car running to go to... Oh, people.

In the comments. You can love Rochelle. Clip this. If you are in a town of less than 10,000 people in a cold winter region of this country, you're leaving it running when you run into the gas station. And if it's summertime, you ask the kids. You ask the kids. Are you cool with me turning off the car and leaving you in here?

You ask the kids. So our dad used to what... You ask the kids. Legal purposes, I'll say, I'm joking about. about the kid thing. Our dad would show a house when we were little kids and like leave the car running with the Cardinals game on. Yes. And we'd be in the backseat. Like, hey, child molesters, you want these kids? You'd be in the backseat jumping around. Rassling. Rasseling. I mean, having fun. Rassling. We could have taken the car ourselves. The late 1900s was a different time. It was a different time. Okay. Police responded.

So the guy who loves his tour, he called 911. Sure. Police responded and investigated. And when an officer arrived at the convenience store, he was met by the truck's owner who said that the man suspected of taking it, returned it, and was currently running from the location. Yeah, he's gone. He's there. He's over there. Yeah. The officer

used his radio and got a hold of another officer who took the suspect into custody. They found him. Here's something I love in this story. The suspect was taken to the hospital for an injury sustained when he tried to return the truck to the 7-Eleven and the owner of the truck punched him in the face.

Yeah. I imagine him being like, whoa, I brought it back. You're an asshole. What are you mad about? I know. You're acting like I took it and took it. Yeah. And now he's like, you know, when these diplomats get here, they're going to agree with me,

I now get to punch you in the face. That's right. But what of, okay, plot twist. What if the owner of the truck punched him in the face and then was like, you're going to make me late with my rendezvous? I have a different rendezvous. You're going to. What if he was snatched up?

Now we're in a Paul Thomas Anderson movie. Right? Like he's a separate. He was, he was gearing up. I need to go to the snacks. Different aliens. He's going to the Parthenon. It's a different.

Different coliseum. But they are both wearing robes. Which is the PTA. Robes and purple Nikes. So he gets a day to hospital because I got punched in the face. That's a nice pull. A lot of time punching the face. They're like, we don't care?

Yeah. You know, maybe your jaws broke. Once at the hospital care, police said that Dixon, which I love is his last name. Because Rochelle, where you can leave your. car running at the gas station. I don't believe you. Gross and Shell, our rival town is Dixon. So the fact that I get to keep saying shitting things about this Dixon.

This son of a big. Birthplace of Ronald Reagan. Now you don't like it too. All right, here we go. Once in hospital care, the police said Dixon tried to slip past officers. That makes it feel fun. Three times. At the third, are you like, excuse me, excuse me?

Also, after two, cuff him to the bed. Yeah. Maybe after one. After one? There's got to be some protocol. Which also, I didn't even think about this. After one. Go out the window.

Sneaking. How did you guys out? You probably haven't seen this. I think one of you have. One battle after another, sneaking out of the hospital. I know. Also PTA. That's right. Okay.

I have not done that. You won't know. It doesn't give anything. All you know is somebody tried. Once in hospital care, he tried to slip past three times. Dixon allegedly apologized to police and told them aliens needed him to get to that coliseum. Right. You guys got cars.

You guys, let's go. I'll take you there. He was booked into Utah County Jail of theft of a motor vehicle. Police also charged him with three counts of attempted escape. I looked, obviously, in this article, but I'm telling you, I did three searches deep. To find out how it is? I couldn't, but I'll show you here on the page what he looks like. And you know what?

It's all got track. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There is a regality to this guy. One eyebrow up. Right. Even with the facial punch. scar and the scraggly beard.

Something about him. I feel like when he smiles, he's a fun uncle. Redneck Shakespeare. Well, you've heard of the liver king. He's the spleen queen. Yeah, when you take away the mask, it's almost like a shoulder of a renaissance. Right. It's like he's got a Victorian, like, collar.

A portrait almost. High collar. Yeah. He looks like he thinks he could win. Oh, really? Oh, stop it. The aliens. Oh, really.

They'll find me. Story number three in the books. Randy's going to take us home. Story two in the books. Story three is coming back. We'll come back. You'll hear what Dan's up to. We've got a 911 call on the other side of this.

That is, you awkwardly cross Bill Glass. You know him is Dr. Rick. He's the great work that he's done there. And he's doing other stuff too. Daniel, we'll find out what you have going on, including our show, all on the other side of the break. It's Dun People Town with Bill Glass. We'll be right back. Stick around.

Make a sound. Come you down. It's Dump People Town. Hey, gang, welcome back to the show. before we jump into this third story, which is quick and fun, Daniel, where can people catch you? Just follow me on Instagram at Daniel Van Kirk. You can listen to The Midnight Air, which is my overnight radio podcast. Great podcast. One big thing that I'm going to start this series in 2026. If you have a job that anytime you tell people about that job, they go, I've never met anybody who does that. Hit me up. You can email the midnight mailbag at gmail.com. I'm talking to a sex therapist in Dallas, a corner that has nothing to do with the show I'm talking to a person in Boston who designs haunted houses yes hearts so if you just have a job that's sort of like that hit me up let me know

somebody just hit me up they inspect the forgotten tunnels in Chicago no yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's like a tunnel hunter yes what are you I'm a tunnel honor yeah I'm someone hit me up they're like I own a burrito shop in Aspen I go you're one of one so let's talk let's talk And next time I'm going. Yeah, now I get to. So you can just hit me up the Midnight Mailbag at GMI.com, listen to the podcast, and all my dates for 2026, not all of them, but a lot of them are going to be announced soon. Go to Daniel Van Kirk. com.

I love it. We forgot to mention a couple of dates for us. We'll be at La Jolla Comedy Store January 9th through 11th. And then we're going to be doing shows back at the sports drink in February and in Baton Rouge. We've got a show of Baton Rouge. Superclogs.com for all that stuff. February 21st, 22nd thing. Yeah, exactly.

So all that stuff happening, superscolars.com, thank you for that. Let me jump into this final. All right, let's do it. Let's do it. And I sent in by little Andy Greenberg, our friend from we,

who we love so much. It's just Andy Greenberg. At Andy the G. He believe he's in Phoenix. Didn't he go to ASU? I think he did. There was a whole story he did. We did on our Patreon.

Arizona. Arizona. He went to a Frisbee into a cactus. Yeah, that's true. into it. He threw, someone threw a frisbee at him. He went to get it into a cactus and just needles everywhere. So Andy, this one, I don't know if this hits close to home, but here we go. Indiana man arrested after misusing 911 claims he was having, quote, spiritual awakening. Now, if it's big enough, you would feel like I need some medical personnel. I mean, it's a

full on awakening. Yeah, that tracks. I call 911. Yeah. I need help to. Yeah. In Indiana, man was arrested after claiming he was having quote a spiritual awakening after allegedly misusing a 911 service you can't do that can't gum it up it's more of a three one one one can't even a four one one shouldn't there be another one one one like an eight one one it's like i'm having a spiritual experience there is there's an eight one one one some places have other one one one is you call that to make sure if you can dig so you don't have a gas line in your yard are you gas lining me don't gasline me aaron do it how about this i mean again Hot-tick.

Yeah. How about call a friend? Yay! I mean, let's just call a buddy if we're having a spiritual awakening. That's a great call. Maybe you're trying to meet new people. I mean, we all have emergency contacts. Are you ready?

Are you a special phone number for that person for awakenings only? Like, phone rings. David, Gus. It's happening. Yeah. Let's go. Tell me about it. Let's go.

I'll bring the gauze. I don't know what you would bring to the question. Like your wife is your emergency contact, your awakening contact. Right. Spiritual awakening contact. Did you call your awakening contact? Who's your awakening contact? should be in your phone.

What are we doing? Now I'm going to, according to your favorites. According to WFIE, it's the wifiest thing ever. I'm going to give you a name of a person that's a character that was deleted from the movie version of Annie. Luther Hannaway was, thank you, place under arrest after law enforcement responded to South Green River Road in Evansville, Indiana for a medical emergency. Dispatches informed police that Hannaway had called and requested an ambulance because he had quite possibly ingested too much. much caffeine. Luther.

That's a lie. Too much caffeine. That's not possible. You might cocaine, right? He didn't have been caffeine. Did that caffeine go up? Yeah. Where did they go?

The outlet reported. It's definitely Colombian. When arriving at the scene... Is that caffeine wrapped in chocolate? Yeah, who knows? Serran wrap and you just ate it all? When arriving at the scene, officers noticed that EMS had responded to a Thornton's gas station per the report.

Employee told police, Hanway, called 911 for assistance just before he had, that Hanaway before she had walked him by where he was standing near the door. So an employee, a female employee, had asked her if she could assist him in the Galactic Federation as she walked by. More aliens! More

aliens! This is more pervasive than I thought. By the way, the alien meeting up stuff. By the way, Jay and I worked at a gas station. Like, people we knew the, at gas stations. We knew the cigarette choices of people when they would come in. This woman's coming in for a Marlboro Softpack. This one was coming

for Benson and Hedges menthol ultralite, we knew. So if someone comes in with a look in his eye, Luther Hanaway, you're like, you're going to ask me about the Galactic Federation, right? You just know, you'd know what's coming. Well, it's when you say to somebody, like, when you casually just throw out, like, how's it going? And they go, you want to know the truth? That's when you're like, I know what this is the answer is no.

I'm getting comfortable, right? You know what's really going on here. I do, but there is a line behind you. You want to know the truth. It's always said when there's other people waiting. you know what's really going to know the truth brother no i don't can you oh well it's gonna find you if you don't try and find it happy living a lie bro hey that truth is out there he was he was gonna find you eventually taking it truth that's what's for me let him finish let him finish

truth that's what you're never finished sir truth is always evolved hey you can wait you can wait I'm talking to the man he asked me a question about truth just put the mondeau up on the can I No. I'm trying to get to soccer practice. He's got to get to soccer practice. I'm on pump three. Either one of you got two dimes. Stay out of this because I am a little short.

And that's the next thing I needed to tell you. Oh, God. So this comes with a request. So he was eventually taking it against the truth. With the police later determined he had contacted emergency services that we'll get out of here on this. How many times? Okay. How many times do you call 911 to talk about this awakening?

like that he would be the awakening not the movie awakenings no i mean you want it to be over 50 it has to be you are i'm so sorry give you a name again let's how many times luther hanaway how many times is luther hanaway being like i'm wait i'm waking up over here i need to call nine one one let me call her an away is is going double digits yeah i'm gonna go i'm gonna go 15 okay between 10 and 20 41 whoa i'm gonna go 11 okay one of you is exactly right whoa I think it's going to be 11. You're going to switch your... No, but I'm...

At 10, you can hear a dispatcher going, he's called 10 times. And they go, if he calls back again, we'll just go, we'll wake his ass up. I feel like... I stand by my 15, but I feel like 11's a quality. I'm going to go back. Nope, don't call back.

Baker's dozen, that's 11. Step out of the line, sir. Baker's dozen is not 11 by this. You don't know the truth. All right. The truth's coming to find us. We're getting out of here on this. He's Bill Glass.

He's, one of our favorite improvisers out there. If you see the Dr. Rick commercials on Progressive, you saw him here. Daniel, go watch Midnight Air, watch Daniel on December 23rd, and then watch him with us on December 23rd, True TV. And then tweet at, X at, Instagram at, whatever, Facebook,

TNT and TNT and Tum, you want more of it. NHL. More cheap seats, all cast from the cheap seats. Luther Hannaway contacted 9-1-1 services. 11 times. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's the truth. Thanks for getting on board. You see the truth. That's the truth. You saw it. You saw it. You saw it. The light appeared and I said 11, baby Jesus, give me 11. He knew it. He knew it. The first alien. He knew it. He knew it. There's a reckoning. There's a reckoning. There's a side. He's talking about a side reckoning.

Aliens are coming. Coliseum adjacent. right another reckoning there's a side of reckoning are you with the galactic federallies we're in the adjacent record are you a diplomat or a minion of the diplomat what is happening here because i need to know where to direct you are you an associate of the dead diplomat i need to know where to take this red truck all right we just mixed many stories yes well this was dumb people down we had a great time and oh snap we got to get back to work we'll see you peace Hey guys, it's Kamel Nangjiani. My new stand-up special Night Thoughts

Premiers December 19th on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh. I am an immigrant. Are there any other immigrants here? Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. Don't miss Night Thoughts on December 19th. Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

That wasn't my call. If it was my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call. terms apply.