Dumb People Town - Chris Grace - Saab Story

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

Comedian Chris Grace (As Scarlett Johansson) stops by as Daniel describes a South Bend, Indiana mystery of someone urinating in candles at Dollar Tree stores, Randy explains how a man sued the city after he crashed his work dump truck into his own car, and Jason warns against calling 9-1-1 while you're stealing a car, and so much more!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast trams with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members don't be a jerk because when the music hits the funny hits and wins the show. Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes

choose the life they choose. We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast trams with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members don't be a jerk because when the music hits the funny hits and wins the show. Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose.

We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast trams with co-hosts Arm and Dan And Bers, don't be a jerk Because when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Bunker Down is Dumb People Town Hey Towny, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population, you?

Population, Grace! Chris, Nancy, Grace. That's right. We like knock her off her pedestal. That's my mom guys. Wait a second! She is, that would be the worst mom ever because you would kind of do something wrong.

And all she needs is allegations. She will prosecute the hell out of you. On allegations alone. On allegations alone. I have on Zoom your best friend and he says something different. So let's get into that. Well, I heard you didn't do the laundry.

Let's go to your father. Let's bring in your teacher and hear what she has to say. I'm amazed by how many episodes of Nancy Grace I think you guys have watched. I've actually never seen it. I just follow, she's the only account I follow on TikTok. By the way, I don't know why in the, just what's so funny and I don't know if you feel this way

and then we'll get into a story cause Dan's got, he's holding a good one Chris Grace. But your feeds on social media tell you kind of just what you're watching and what you're doing in recent memory, in recent history. I have gotten so many like Judge Joe Brown clips of people who have assaulted other people with food. I don't know why, what is happening?

He hit me with a chicken, a whole chicken. I'm like, are these guys actors? That was my question, I was like, are they? Because they're doing a good job. They're doing a good job. But they're probably actors, but maybe they really did hit him with chicken. You gotta hit him with chicken!

Maybe they went and said, like, what is something from your past we can delve into? Right, right. You gotta hit him with chicken. Like a chorus line. So, also similar. Take your past. No one has ever said Judge Joe Brown and a chorus line.

Say it in the same sense. That was straight. That was. No one has ever said Judge Joe Brown and a chorus line. That was straight. That was. That's the mashup we've all been waiting for. So as you know or you may not know, I know you've listened to this podcast before. But the world's getting dumber. The world's getting dumber.

The only way to fight back is through comedy. We gotta fight back through comedy. That's our only weaponry right here. And then our awesome fans send us stories. Still on Twix, we call it Twix, TwitterX. Just do hashtag Dumb People Town at Skull Eye Brothers at Daniel Van Kirk. And then we'll know who sent it

and when. We're jumping all over the place. We try our best to find it. And by the way, if a story doesn't make it here, we might pick it off and use it in our Patreons. Which we have done. Join our Patreon. It's a blast.

So Daniel, let's jump into a story right now. And then later. First, where are you from? Houston, Texas. Oh, you are you from? Houston, Texas. Oh, you are? I love Houston, Texas. Oh yeah. You ever go to Beebe's Cafe?

Oh yeah, I love Beebe's. I love every restaurant in Houston. Some of the best Vietnamese food in the country. Nymphosan navigation. Nymphosan navigation, yeah. Texcajun, for anybody who wants to know. Yes, Beebe's wonderful. It's spurring off of the Tex-Mex.

Get some Budan there. Very good, they have a really good etouffee. Killins. Yeah. Killins in Pearland. I think I've been there, yeah. Love Houston. Okay, this was sent in by Sam Householder, at Sam Householder. Holding that house down.

I know, might be a new one. Here's the headline, which if you were given as a prompt to start out your set, you'd be like, can I do 20? Let's go. Still no leads in more than two South Bend Dollar Tree complaints of urine and candles. What is going on at the Dollar Tree? Only at the Dollar Tree?

Look, if it's, remember when... Dollar Tree's the retail version of the Lava House, right? If it's yellow, let it mellow. Yeah, yeah. Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow was like, I'm gonna do a candle and it's gonna smell like my vagina. Vagina. Yes.

This is somebody trying to bump that up a notch. Hang on a second. Was it gonna smell like her vagina specifically? Yeah, it was. I think so, yeah. I checked. Yeah. Anyway, here's the thing.

You don't wanna sell products that smell like your vagina on a website named Goop. That feels like a mistake. She did. But Dollar Tree, I said this, it is the retail equivalent of Waffle House. Yeah. Right. If you work there, you're going to get, you're just trying to make it through your shift. Please. Nobody throw like a display rack. Right. Right. Do you know why you don't see videos of anybody shoplifting from Dollar Tree. It's a dollar. They don't care. It's not worth it. Right. Who cares. Go ahead. South Bend Indiana Dollar Tree hasn't found any more suspected urine in candles since police were notified earlier

this month. Call that a victory. Wait. So policing is effective. Right. So the police put it out on Facebook, of course, because that's where the police communicate, and they put the P in policing. You know, once they got rid of Mayor Pete, then the policing. That's right. Working in South Bend.

I don't care what, if you pick up any candle that has liquid in it, even if it's not urine, put it down. Candles should not be wet. I'm not interested. Oh, this is like a glass candle that hasn't a part. I'm picturing like a Yankee candle. Yes, yes, it has a little bit of. About an inch and a half of brim.

And you pick it up and it's tipsy. Yeah. Put it right back down. But the doubt sure, you shouldn't be blindly grabbing for anything. Right. And an adult would probably need to have more than one of these candles.

Correct. Depending on what they're into. No, I mean, a regular urination. An adult amount of urine. Adult level urine. So you're saying that someone's kid was like, I gotta go to the bathroom. Correct, depending on what they're into. No, I mean, a regular urination. No, an adult amount of urine. Yeah. Adult level urine. So you're saying that someone's kid was like, I gotta go to the bathroom, and then you go to the employees,

can we please use the restroom? We don't have one here. Yeah, they definitely don't have one. They actually might not have one. I hate it when stores are like, we don't have one. I'm like, you do have one. Right. You do have one.

They're like, no, we're just holding it the whole shift. Don't tell me you don't have it. Like, the lying to me makes me even more upset. Because if they looked at you and said, hey, due to so many issues we've had, we had to stop letting the public use it. Right. You'd go, okay.

And you're like, here's an issue you haven't thought of. If you don't let people go to the bathroom. I'm gonna pee in your Yankee candle. Where's your candle section? By the way, that would be the way. How many tea lights do you have? You now have tea lights. I just had a giant twisted tea and I need to let some out. This would be like the best. It's like may I use your bathroom? We don't have one here. Wear your candles. Well what I don't

understand is doesn't Dollar Tree have a bucket and pail section? Yes! Come on! But that you might be candle pea shaming. Yeah. They're into what they're into. What if that's what you really love? They need that to get on. On September 5th, the South Bend Police Department, the SBPD, was called to the Dollar Tree

on South Bend Avenue as a shopper told officers urine spilled on her daughter as she was smelling a candle. Wait a minute. I mean, is this what the plot of You're in Town should have been? Yes, or the kid didn't want to admit they peed their pants. That's what happened. 100%.

Except for the fact that it's multiple times. The woman believed that the liquid was urine because of its smell, color, and taste. I made up taste. Come on. But police have not confirmed this. When the mother reported the spill to Dollar Tree employees, this is might be my favorite part of the story. They were already aware of an unknown person

who'd been urinating in their candles. Oh, that's a, this is real. Right. So, Hey, there's urine in the, my daughter went to pick up a can of this urine in it. The response from Dollar Tree should be like, Oh my God, that is crazy. They're like, yep. That adds up, that tracks. So you want a discount on the candle? What do you want from us? Tell us what you want. There's a towel section over there she can wipe her hands.

Would you assume this is a guy doing this? A hundred percent. Oh, if it's a woman, great aim. Like insane aim. Solid aim. Yeah, it's not even logistics that make me think it's a guy. Anything that's like random and fucked up, my default is idiot, messed up dude.

So you know there's like using a squirt gun to put a candle out, there's some sort of, people get satisfaction out of that. Do you think they lit the candle and tried to pee it out? That's possible? Is that? Well they'd be able to tell that too probably. I'm like is that fun for a guy?

I was always impressed when people could lift their fingers and go I mean, yes, I was always like what does that hurt like no one of my priest doing it to a credible party trick one of my most hated Smells in the world is the sulfur from when you blow out a candle really yeah You know I thought I fucking love it. What about when just your hair burns How I fall asleep I fall asleep it That's how I fall asleep next to a cattle. You got a glade of fresher food called burnt hair.

No, I'm very pro just put the cap, put the tin back on and let it work itself out. Where's my burnt hair glade freshener? I need a snifter. Can you plug that in? What about campfire? Campfire I'm okay with. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just hate the smell of a burnt out. So animals... And a blown out candle. Dogs pee on things to mark okay with. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just hate the smell of a burnt out, and a blown out candle.

Dogs pee on things to mark their territory. Sure. Maybe this guy is like, those are my candles. Those are my dollar tree. My dollar tree. It's my section. Get out.

I thought maybe he was peeing into a candle because he'd be like, okay, the vanilla will hide it. Yeah. I'll be able to make a getaway. It's such an odd. A surveillance camera is at the front of the store But not in the aisle with the candles And they knew about it. I know the blind spots in this place store assistant manager confirmed on Monday

They never went up to the corner just went Just defeated assistant store manager is like we don't have a camera in the candle aisle They're like there's literally nothing we can do there literally is a lot you can do Just put things on there that you can't pee in in that section Do you imagine how long the request is it list is from the like from the assistant manager to the things that need to be? Taking care. Yes at the Dollar Tree. You know how much red tape there is at Dollar Tree corporate We're like you want us to move the kid right can't do it can't do it people walk into the Dollar Tree. Do you know how much red tape there is at Dollar Tree corporate where like you want us to move the candle? You can't do it. Can't do it.

People walk into a Dollar Tree, they expect the candles. It's gonna soon be something that's gonna be behind a glass case with a key. And they're gonna, I need two candles. Hold on, I gotta call Marcus with the key. Marcus! They can't move the candles because the candles are the Cinnabon of the Dollar Tree.

Yeah. Has to be near the entrance. Yes. That's what people want when they go to a... Would you burn a Cinnabon smelling candle? Would I urinate in one? Yes, to put out a burning Cinnabon. I don't want candle to smell like food.

That's rough. You don't? Oh, yeah. I disagree. Oh, when a candle smells like cookies, I'm like, I just want to go eat cookies. Right, so in St. Louis, there's a place that you can like make your own candle

with different scents, and it was in St. Charles, of course, and we made, you and the girls, me and the girls, my daughters made bread and coffee flavored candle, and it is the best smelling thing I've ever smelled. Doesn't it just make you want coffee and bread all the time? Yes, yes, it does. Can you make one that smells like that weird

cracker pizza or whatever? Oh? When you when you say cracker you mean white people I want a candle that still smells like that and City Museum The assistant store manager said he was present during only two of the discoveries, confirming that there were more than two incidents. Yeah, this thing has gone all over the place. Maybe it's trending like Tide Pods. Yeah, exactly.

The store manager. Copycat crime. The store manager didn't confirm how many incidents there were, nor how much money was lost due to the affected merchandise. Oh, wow. Not that much. Are they trying, yeah, exactly.

Well, just count how many times it happened and then multiply by one. Yeah. Not that much. Are they trying? Yeah, exactly. Well just count how many times it happened and then multiply by one. Yeah. That's how many dollars were ruined of the merchandise. I believe though now at Dollar Trees, I believe now they are going up. Like Dollar General, Dollar Tree, I think they are now, they can't sell things for dollars.

What about the 99 cent store? Same. I think those have gone up. Gone up. Gone up. But the- It's going on in our country. I think the number for me would be five. Stop.

I said five. Yeah. The number for me would be five. If it's happened two other times, you're still in the sort of like, what the fuck's going on here? I know. Once you get to five,

I'm moving the candles next to the cigarettes. One is a coincidence, two is a pattern. Sure. Three is a trend. trend right four is who you are What state do these have to be because one of the employees has to clean it up, right? Oh, yeah But you throw them out right well probably no, but the employees aren't like we gotta do something like that's how sad they're stated They're just like well. This is part of it. We don't write. This is part of it. Yeah, oh someone peed in the candle yep They're just like, well, this is just part of it. Right, this is part of it. Yeah.

Oh, someone peed in the candle, yep. Additionally, the assistant manager said he can't determine what time of day the candles were vandalized. I also think the assistant manager, please. Oh, that's easy, you get the temperature and it goes in half by every eight hours. There's an actual formula.

You get Quincy in and he like, time of your nation. Someone in a hazmat suit takes one of those like, you know. Yeah. If I'm reading between the lines, the assistant manager does not want to be having this conversation at all. Look, I don't know how much money was lost. I can't confirm how many more incidents there were.

I can't determine what time of day the candles were vandalized. No, they don't want to be known as the Dollar Tree where people pee in the candles. Right. The staff had been finding the affected candles randomly, he told the Tribune. He's like, I don't want to be known as the dowel tree where people pee in the candles right the staff had been finding the affected candles Randomly he told the Tribune. He's like. I don't know man. It happens. That's better than a pattern though like a serial killer pattern every Wednesday at 7

Interview they're asking the questions while while he's checking out like 50 people on a line. Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why they're getting these turts. I don't know man, it happens a lot. I have no idea how much money he lost. It happens randomly. Whatever your definition of randomly is. Ma'am, there's not a tag on this, use scrub daddy.

And I'm sorry, you just want one flip-flop? Okay, fine. On September 23rd, the store manager, we've gone up a level, said after the September 5th incident, the company said they're taking care of it. However, she didn't specify how they're handling the situation.

She's like a politician. Yeah, yeah, it's been taken care of. What's your plan? She's like, I can't get it. Ever since the tragedy of 9-5, we all know where we were on 9 we were. What if they put a litter box in that aisle? It's a cat thing! Oh my god, that would be the best. Or one candle, they take out the wax and they're like, go here, it'll be the same thing. Then you gotta

have one for each gender. It becomes political. I'm in the candle. I'm sitting there in the pea candle area, there's 15 different candles. Pick a candle for your chin. Like that guy. Are believing that these store manager and store assistant store manager are like so over this and trying to do their job, I think is 100% correct. Because the next sentence is both employees decline to give their names to a reporter. You don't want your store manager to know me. I don't want your... You don't need to know me. I don't need my stuff, my biz out in the streets. Which is funny because they're probably wearing a name tag.

Right. Yeah, yeah. So that's a lot of hand over the pin. You don't want your name coming up in a Google search on this. On pee in a candle. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean that could end your life on hint. That could end your Dollar Tree career.

And it is a career. It is a career. Here's how it thinks. That could end your Hall on Hint. That could end your Dollar Tree career. And it is a career. It is a career. Here's how it thinks. That could end your Hall of Fame Dollar Tree career. SoftBrandTribune.com is treating this like it's the Nixon scandal. Oh yeah. Because after they said we don't want to give their names, a Tribune reporter did contact the vice president of communications with Dollar Tree, Incorporated multiple times regarding how they are going to address the issues.

This person smokes a lot and insurance. Which person? The reporter or the vice president? No, the vice president. Oh, yes. Nervously smokes. In their car, windows up. In their Ford Taurus, Chrysler LeBaron.

The corporate communications account had not returned an email, phone call, or two text messages before the deadline or something messages or three sex wait who hadn't returned the Snap you call the trip this up and community go we want this to go away I'm I don't want to talk to you trying to flush this problem away Tribune and you go, we want this to go away. I don't wanna talk to you about this. We're trying to flush this problem away here. There you go.

I'm impressed they have a vice president of communications. Cause what, well first, I don't know what that job does. But. VP of communications. Like dollar trade. Press releases and. Yeah. Just damage control. Yeah. Guys, we're going up above a dollar. That's the only statement they've made in the last 20 years.

There have been no arrests according according to the South Bend Police. What are we even doing? In previous years, they would say, guys, this year, there was no urine in any candles. This year, I had to change the messaging. You're looking for a urine-free Christmas in our candles. By the way, urine is the one thing you can DNA test for. That's true.

Right. 100%. Just test it. Yeah. Test it and throw it into the old database and see who's true. It's like you have. Right. 100%. Find out who it is. Test it. Yeah. Test it and throw it into the old database and see who's there.

If you're P.N. in candles, someone in, you have one cousin who's 23 to me. Yeah. Everybody's into something in your family. You've done something. Yes. Also like someone in your life, you don't do that and take that secret to the grave.

Someone knows your day. Yeah. Well especially when you say in the paper. That's right. So you give. Did you see that? You'll brag. If you're peeing in candles,

you're talking about it in a bar. That's right. During daytime hours. So then I went over to the Dollar Tree. Let me have two more beers and I'll tell you the rest. Let me tell you the rest of the story. You're gonna pay? I went over to the Dollar Tree.

Yeah, you know where I go. You know where I go. They don't have a bathroom in there. Where are you? I-O-4. I-O-4. Is there a camera on it? What's an I-O-4?

They got a camera pointing on that aisle. I like the evergreens. I'm so sad this person came into the story at the very end. We are about to meet the South Bend Police Department Director of Communications. I love it. I thought you were gonna say like Steve Bannon.

His name. Due to lack of evidence, police have not yet identified a suspect or made an arrest said, this might be one of the greatest names, Ashley O'Chap. South Bend Police Department Director of Communications. My name is Ashley O'Chap. Ashley O'Chap. O'Chap. It feels like half My name is Ashley Ochapp.

Ashley Ochapp. Ochapp. I feel like half the name is Chapman My Chapman. Or like a failed restaurant chain. You want to go to Ochapps? I don't know. It's like at Ellis Island they were like, I want to chop half of that.

Too much. I got sick on the chicken fingers at Ochapps. Dan, you know what our first cologne was? What? Chaps. Chaps. Oh yeah. Remember Chaps? Ralph Lauren. Those weren't Ralph, that wasn't Ralph Lauren.

I think that was Ralph Lauren. Mine was polo green bottle gold. So good. The original polo. The original polo was unbelievable. Yes. Smelled great. Spicy. Yes. Yeah. Police continue the investigation

in cooperation with Dollar Tree said Ashley O'Chap. So I guess we're never gonna. If anybody gets a follow up. Dude, if anybody knows, if anybody's picked up a candle. On these peat candles. Yes. All right, that's the end of story. Number one, Rand will be up next.

I'll tell you what I'm up to. I love it, we'll find out. You've got a new special out. We'll talk about all that after the break. Chris Grace is with us on Dull People Know. Don't forget. Stick around, make a sound is with us on Dumb People No, Don't Put. Hey everybody, welcome back to the show. Before we get to Chris Grace's new special of which that is very funny and the reviews are in, it is fantastic. We'll tell

you our guys how to see it, how you can watch and support it. Daniel, what's going on? Catch us up. Uh I'll just give out some November stuff. The 9th of November, Saturday the 9th, I will be in Cedar Rapids doing a comedy show with the Confused Breakfast podcast guys. It's a great movie podcast. They have a huge following.

They've all been sort of daring each other and joking around about doing standup. So they're gonna do stand-up for the first time. To open for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To open for me. So it'll be a really fun thing for comedy fans and all of their fans and any of my people out in the Iowa area. That's on the 9th. You can go to danielvancouric.com for that. And then that following Thursday

on the 14th, I'm headlining the Flyover Comedy Festival in St. Louis. And then I think I'll probably be sticking around for Friday too to jump on the Sklar Show on Friday. Just gonna do our taget. Yeah, so go to danielvankirk.com for that. You can watch my movie Wine Club for free on Tubi. So good. Tubi having some great commercials. Have you seen any of this?

Yes, amazing. I'm like, this is genius marketing. Amazing. They're going hard. Yeah, a lot of people are watching Tubi, so watch Wine Club there and then you can watch my special Rose Gold on YouTube. Get over 100k, get over 100k.

Let's do that thing. Close. So everything's at Daniel Van Kirk. That can't. I love it. Chris, let's talk about special, talk about everything. It's again, I've been reading such good stuff about it in addition, you must feel good about that and it's hilarious, you're hilarious, but just tell us about it.

I'm very happy with the special. It was actually much better than I thought it would be. Great, going into it? Yeah, I mean, I thought I was okay, but then the production levels were insane. Woo! Yeah, I saw the first edit of it like in, I wanna say June or something like that.

When'd you do it? At the Elysian, I did it for Dropout. Dropout like put a bunch of work into producing it I was very fortunate cuz like I don't know if y'all talk shop here But like sure I got paid to do it and then they paid to produce it So like I don't have to put out any of my own money to make it and they took it to this like insane level Of production that I'd never would have been able to like manage in my own. Sure. Uh, amazing. Yeah, and Yeah, how can people watch it?

It's on dropout.tv. You can do a three day free trial if you want. Awesome title. You can fucking cancel after that. It's called Chris Grace Ascarlet Johansson. Which I think is such a hilarious title. Hilarious. That's awesome.

And if you subscribe to Dropout TV and you click on my special first, I get 50 cents. Yay! I haven't gotten a report on how much money I'm making off of that. No, no, no, do that, you guys. Let's see the power of our audience if we can make this do something.

I believe this. I believe there are really some unbelievable specials that are being made, not necessarily for Netflix, not for Hulu, not for, really smart people are releasing them on their own on YouTube. 800 Pound Gorilla is releasing them, put it on their YouTube page. This is an amazing way to do it.

Remember, Veep's was a way that people were releasing it at times. It's just a cool moment for people to see comedy. And you guys, if you're listening to this podcast, you are supporting comedy in the independent ways that people do comedy. This is like a great way to do this. Yeah, Dropout just started this thing

called Dropout Presents, and so this is a series of one-off specials. The first one they did was Hank Green, and then there was an improv one with Brendan and Izzy from Dropout and then mine, and then Adam Conover's just came out. Great, nice. So phenomenal, you're in good company,

and so I love it, Chris Grace as Scarlett Johansson. That's right. What a great, great. Go see it, go check it out, dropout.tv. Dropout.tv, here's the go. I'm gonna jump into this one. Let's do it. This, I love this story because all of us

will just be trying to figure out, like you know what he's gonna do next all the time. That's what's so fun about this. And I love a story where a dumb person thinks they're smart and they think they're gonna outsmart everybody and it's just like, no, we can see exactly what's going on. We see the strings. Sent in by Matthew Friedman,

at not your average AVG Matt. You ready for this? This is amazing. Here is the headline. A man once sued himself after he backed into his own car. A man! No matter what happens, I will win! Is this a way to force insurance?

Oh! I like where your mind is going! Dan, how about this? He's like, I got this one. I'm playing roulette, and I'm betting on both black and red. That's right. I will win. And the land's on green. On the green. I will win, and I'm betting on both black and red. That's right. I will win. Hands on green.

On the green. I will win and I will lose. Despite how much we love them, cars make people do dumb things. Is that a quote? Is that the lead of the story? Yeah. No, that's the new advertising slogan for Tesla.

Exactly. I was on the high school newspaper and you would not typically lead with a sentence like that. No. What did you do for the high school newspaper? I was the not typically lead with a sentence like that. No. What did you do for the high school newspaper? I was the editor in chief. Oh, excuse me. I was sports editor of my high school newspaper.

I was the, when I was freshman, junior, I did movie and music reviews. Of course you did. And I caused a big stir because I said that. Oh, you know, when you're young, you're being provocative. I wrote that Phil Collins was not a good drummer, and my journalism teacher had a fit when I, and he still let me print it, but I was just like.

You don't say that about Phil Collins, man. I don't know. It's in the air tonight. He has some of the most iconic drumming. Do do do do do do do do do do do. He got really deep. Grace, so my story, Dan, I think you've heard this. I was writing an article, senior year, we had already

gotten into college. I forgot that I had to write an article about this cross country runner, this kid, Ryan Untereiner. And he was like a freshman, but he was breaking records. And he was so great. And everybody had to write this article about him, this feature. And I'm like, oh crap, Randy and I had been like partying all weekend or something. And I'm like, I'm going to write this in one night and I'm not gonna research anything. And so I. And it's gonna go in the paper tomorrow because I'm the editor.

Right, I'll put it in. What I didn't realize is I compared his running style to that of a gelding, which is a horse. That's been cast, right? That's been cast. That's right. He runs like a jinx horse. And so then they got mad at me, his family,

and they wanted me to write a retraction, and me wanting to be funny was like, wouldn't you run faster if your balls were running? That's right, he's right. Shaving the weight. Yeah. So say that first sentence again. Despite how much we love them,

cars make people do dumb things. Whether it's willingly overpaying for them to be clueless to being clueless while driving cars can affect judgment in the worst ways Vehicle accidents can really bring out the dumb in people. This is like a Reader's Digest article. It's a Dave Barry, right? Irma Bombeck. Yeah vehicle accidents can really bring out my bomb back book that mom had I don't know if I'm life's a bowl of cherries why am I always in the pits why is it always the pits I mean unbelievable name for an author like you could just sell millions of books just on the name Irma bomb back vehicle accidents bring out the dumb people.

Take the man who tried to sue himself after a collision in this strange story I came across. If life is a bowl of cherries, what am I doing in the pits? Okay. Fair enough. Classic. So there's a pantheon of humorists from that time. Like Irma, Dave Barry.

Oh yeah, there was a whole, that's what they did. I'm like, we write magazine articles and then you go on and write the books that are the collection of those articles. You're Ann Landers and Deer Addy. Ann Landers, they were twins, Ann and. Sisters. Ann and there was another one.

Missed opportunity. All the advice you could have been given all these years. Wouldn't that be a great drag? They only could have told. Missed opportunity. Yeah, it probably is. All right, so I think this story, I came, happened like 20 years ago, but this person's bringing it out now. So I think the story I came happened like 20 years

ago, but this person is bringing it out now. Okay. So I'm sorry if it's not so current, but Chris Gokie was both a resident, uh, what a resident and dump truck driver with the city of Lodi, California, a small Northern California city just outside of stock. We all know Lodi and the Cretan's clear auto revivals. Oh, Lord stuck in Lodi again. All right, according to Goki's wife, Rhonda, of course it's Rhonda.

Yeah. Of course it's Rhonda. So what's Goki's first name? Curtis and Rhonda. Curtis and Rhonda. Goki. Oh, they love going to Scambies. Help me Rhonda.

Yep, help me figure out how to Scambies. Screw the city. Constantly trying to sell a Harley. During, oh yeah, it looks great. It's in pretty good condition Ron are you done cutting those sleeves off my shirt? During a winter storm that that December goki Backed the dump truck into his privately owned vehicle causing damage

Apparently go keys insurance wouldn't cover the damage because not long after he filed a claim with the city for how much money so he Because not long after he filed a claim with the city for how much money so he backed his work truck He was owned by the city and he's operating as an employee of the city Not as the guy who owns that truck right or whatever his vehicle so his negligence falls to the city Versus his own personal property. That's right This doesn't sound that insane to me because insurance is so weird sometimes. You can, it will be. All right, so let's hang on.

No, I'm on his side. I'm on his side. Cause he would say. Yeah! He's like, I need to think about doing that. What's his number? Cause he would say I was not operating. I can't live on this dropout.tv money.

Let me. I was not operating. My original last name is Gokie. Yeah. Chris Gokie. Chris Chris Gokie. I did not know that. Cause he was saying I wasn't operating in a personal capacity. Right, I was not operate. Your original last name is Gokie? Yeah. Chris Gokie. Chris Chris Gokie. I did not know that. Because he's saying I wasn't operating

in a personal capacity. I was doing it. And when I'm working, a la the show Severance, I have a different priority. I'm under a different level of stress. He doesn't know, who parked that there? I'm under a different time frame. Whose vehicle is that?

I'm working right now. He comes home and he looks at the car and he's like, oh my God, honey. What happened? Somebody hit the car. All right, so. If the city didn he looks at the car and he's like, oh my God, honey. What happened? Somebody hit the car. All right. If the city didn't want me to back into my own car, they shouldn't have hired me to drive this vehicle.

That's right. Wait, do we clarify why the truck is anywhere near his house? Like, it's probably drive. Well then he must take it home. He's got to get it home. It's a dump truck, right? He's got to drive it. Anyway, so how much-

Did you describe what the truck was? What his truck vehicle was? No, so we don't know what his vehicle is yet. We might find out, but. This is a solid convertible. What, how much money did he file the claim for? I'm gonna go, I'm gonna guess. 20 years ago.

20 years ago, he needs a claim to fix his car. Before smartphones. He wants to settle, he knows it's the city, he's seen the books. Right, right. I'm imagining Rhonda got fired from the city at some point but she still knows enough. She knows enough.

I'm gonna say $25,000. $25,000, what do you think? $12,000. I was gonna say $83. $83,000? All right, get your answers in, townies, because he filed a claim with the city for $3,600. Oh!

He's like, I'm getting this! Okay, so I was thinking he was going for they'll negotiate down. 83 is great for that attitude too. He wanted to fly under the radar. He wanted a stamp. He just wanted the stamp. Just get through the day.

Yeah, who's gonna give a shit about it? He just wanted Martha at the Lodi accounting. Another claim. Yeah, he knows Who's gonna give a shit about what was it? He just wanted Martha at the Lodi Accounting. That's right. Another claim. Yeah, he knows what's in the petty cash. So he even admitted to this. He knows how low to go to get it in. A vehicle that was both in he, in his,

he and his wife's name, it should be his. We've established this person is just, they're the intern. They're not a good writer. He even admitted to the city that the accident was his fault, yet he still filed the claim. Well he admitted it as an employee. Yeah, let me reiterate that if you didn't catch

what's happening here. Yes! This man backed into his own vehicle with a city truck that he was driving and expected the city to foot the bill for this damage. It gets better. The city denied the claim, of course, for obvious reasons. I don't know. You can't sue yourself, for obvious reasons. I don't know.

You can't sue yourself. Is that true? I don't know that that's true. I don't know. And also isn't he suing the city for hiring a shitty employee? Maybe. I'm kind of a Chris on this.

So think about it. I feel like if you guys worked in, like say you have a business that you work in as entertainment, I bet you could sue that entity. Sue your own production company? Yeah. Maybe, unless you filed it.

If you masturbated and you kinda didn't want to, that's sexual harassment. Right, if you pee into it. Leave yourself alone. If you're intoxicated. Yeah. If you peed into a can of. I was drunk, I didn't have my wits,

I took advantage of myself. So this is where it goes. So thinking that she was clever or something. Great writing. Wait. Who's she? Rhonda Gokey decided to file another claim, but this time the claim would just have her name, not her husband's. Her reasoning was that the city denied her husband's claim because he was the one that caused the accident, putting her name on a new claim would eliminate her

husband's alleged conflict of interest. And there's no way they'll remember it because we filed it a whole four weeks ago. Lowdye News Describe. She also increased the damage amount to how much? Okay. So now she's like, let's get him. Is she gonna shoot for the stars?

That's the question. What do we think about Rhonda? This is now what you think about who values? Who's Rhonda they do have a stronger case with it being her totally because if they were divorced or she was just any other Person she'd be like I'm filing this claim with the city, but the address is I don't know what she should have gone for this first Yeah, thank you. Thank you. I'll say it's 7200 you double the I'm gonna say she's going up. She's going 10G. Okay, 15K. Get your answers in, Townies, because Rhonda Gokey, same last name,

filed, said increase the damage amount to $4,800. What a weird. She's out there like, we're going. I'm asking for six. What is she like, 1,200 more for? I know. Here's her quote. You ready?

You ready for a Rhonda quote? I have the right to sue the city because the city's vehicle damaged my private vehicle That's that factually is not a wrong sentence. No continued almost threateningly I'm not as nice as my husband is I'm entitled to a replacement vehicle and Insurance for the vehicle and then this person wrote, okay lady. The author did? Yes! That story was written by Ryan Unterreiner.

The balls on that guy. I know, I know, really. The person writing this knows the go-keys. Right. Is this a newspaper or is it like a blog? I think it's probably a blog or something. The fact that we got Chris Grace to say Ryan Unterreiner. It's hilarious of course

her claim was thrown out to Lodi city attorney there's a great one you ready for the attorneys that he's such a good Lodi city attorney name Lachap Steve Schw's last name is complicated like that, it makes me feel like they're really good. Schwabauer. You know what time it is? You know what time it is? It's the Schwabauer.

Right? Oh, that's his podcast. He essentially said the claim was dumb, especially since Curtis had admitted he was responsible for the accident to begin with. And remember, California is a community property site. What's mine is yours and all that. Schwabauer pointed this out to NBC News at the time.

So she lost her claim too. Of course. And that is the story. I don't think, I don't know. I think he was operating as an employee of the city and damaged property. But Chris is right. If she just would have gone first,

she would have had a shot. But my guess is she's like, let me do the claim first. And he's like, no, I'm gonna just ask for 3,600. And they're just gonna say yes. Like he definitely said, I've got this. You don't know what you're talking about. So now my favorite thing is that this is gonna be a Curtis Rhonda sticking point forever.

I think Curtis doesn't ask for enough raises. Yes. Sure. And that's coming from you or Ronda. That's coming from both of us. Me and my mom, Ronda Goki. This is your next special. Chris Grace as Ronda Goki.

My two moms were Ronda Goki and Nancy Grace. Hard driving women. Hard driving women. Yeah. Hard driving women, there you go. That's how you make a comic. Is that a great like simple? Hard driving women could also be the name of a movie about two women who are in the IT department of like,

work on computers. Well it was the working title for Thelma and Louise. A hard driving. But if they were IT guys. But if they worked on hard drives, they're hard driving women. Yeah. There you go. All right, that is sort of, they're hard driving women. Yeah. There you go.

All right, that is sort of, Jake give us a little taste of it. Here Dan, you gotta open this up again, but I will tell you, it is, you probably shouldn't call the cops on yourself. Don't call the cops on yourself, that is a problem. Don't try and sue yourself. A lot of self-inflicted wounds here.

Damage here. It's like peeing in a candle. It's, you know, like a candle. My favorite Elton John song. And it seems to me, you live your life like a pea in a candle. I'm impressed by you guys. I've heard you guys sing on this podcast.

And we're not good singers. But you always sing the same pitch. Oh, thanks. Like both of you right now. Are you a singer? I mean, yes, I'm a singer. But what I mean is when you, I don't know, pick a song. Yeah, they always hit the same pitch.

You always sing the same. You're in the same key all the time. Because there is really only one key that we know how to play. And it's the wrong key. Yeah, key me up into Eddie Vedder if you can. No, Darius Rucker, all right, same key. All right, so we'll take a break, we come back, we'll tell you what we have going on

and Jay's got this great story. Chris Grace is with us, the special is called Chris Grace as Scarlett Johansson. It's at dropout.tv that's right just sign up get it click on that first we'll be right back Hey guys welcome back to the show before we get into the final story let's talk about we have going on we got a lot of a lot of stuff happening. So I believe this should drop probably around the time

we're gonna be going to Vegas to do our first weekend of shows in Vegas ever. We've performed in Vegas but never done a weekend of shows at Wise Guys Comedy Club the 18th and 19th. Cannot wait. That's gonna be really fun. Of October. Of October at Wise Guys.

Dan, are you gonna be in town or no? I might come over. Come by. I'm meaning to see my best friend, Paul, who lives there. All of our Vegas peoples. I might come and do a guest set. Yes, I would love that. So all of our Vegas peoples.

Maybe Saturday. Yes. Maybe Friday, people should just get tickets and find out. Yes, it'll be a wonderful thing. You can join all of us. And then we're gonna be at the Flyover Comedy Festival too. But before that, the weekend before, two weeks before, we're gonna be at the Flyover Comedy Festival too. But before that, the weekend before, or two weeks before, we're gonna be at Fort Collins

at the Comedy Fort, they're one of our favorite places to perform. All the dates, supersclarers.com, we'll be doing more Taggats, maybe a holiday one at Largo, which might be really fun, and then we're doing our two-man show, which we love, the Born Identity, which we're trying and we're sort of kind of honing in the very end of this thing, we're rewriting it to hopefully

the right spot. Three dates? Lyric Hyperion, the 9th, 12th, 16th. 9th, 12th, and 16th of December in Los Angeles, all of it at superschoolhawks.com. We'll tell you when the movie Science Fair will be coming out and we're very excited about all that stuff, but let's jump into this.

Okay. Oh, I forgot one plug. Can I say it real quick? Check out my show right here on All Things Comedy. The Midnight Air, it drops every Monday night. It's just a... When does it air? It's just me, exactly.

It's just me running through stuff that people send in emails. I run down top 10 lists. I do like deep dives. It's just a hang and it also contains, that feed contains the entire back catalog for pen pals and everyone smile wrote, Rory and I threw a new episode onto that feed as well.

So it's the Midnight Air and I hope people check it out. Sweet. Also be in Vegas October 18th and 19th that wise guys do a headline set. You are the Sklar brother. Yeah! Chris Grace as Jason Sklar. If you wanna see him.

Dude, he could do anybody. He can, and you and I sing in the same pitch. If you wanna see him. Dude, he could do anybody. He could get that pitch. And then you and I singing the same pitch. Yeah, exactly. Let's go. And I feel, time's a waste to go. Same pitch, same pitch. All right.

This was sent in by Not Your Average Matt, our buddy Matthew Freeman. Hey, two for two. Two for two. Two for three, I guess. Two in one episode. Florida Woman calls 911 on herself while trying to steal a car.

Do you just think? Why? Maybe she got locked in, I guess. Locked in, lock in. That's what locked in syndrome is. You wake up at night, you're in a stolen car. I'm in a stolen car. Help me get out of this crime I'm committing.

What did I do? My guess is accident. I really hope this has the same chatty blog tone that the last one that Matt just said. Talk about casual. Okay, lady. We all know stealing a car is not the right thing to do. I mean, we love our cars, am I right, people?

This woman, all right. A Florida woman was arrested last weekend after calling 911 on herself while attempting to steal a car, police said. She allegedly told officers that it was part of her video game training and is facing trespassing. What? What? Oh, you're talking about Grand Theft Auto? Maybe. told officers that it was part of her video game training and is facing trespassing. What?

What? Oh, talking about Grand Theft Auto? Maybe. I mean, people are pumped for GTA 6 to come out. This is a little crazy. I am on an EA sports team. I need to know what it physically feels like to steal a car.

Dumb. Someone, every car, like what do you call? Any car three years old or newer, you can track. Who's the suspect? Who's the suspect? Well, she's five foot four, brown hair,

she could do a little more reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is video game training? Training, what is that? I don't know. I think it's mental instability probably. Yes, her name is Christy Lee Terman. Okay, not gonna tell you how old we'll tell you.

CLT. Christy Lee Terman. Okay. I'm not gonna tell you how old we'll tell you. CLT. Christy Lee Turman. Wanted to let the authorities know that she was attempting to steal a car according to the Lee County Sheriff's Office. It's the Lee County Sheriff. Lee is in the middle of her name. Yeah.

She should have some pull. Yeah. On the released recording of the 911 call, which I couldn't find, but I... It's okay. You can hear Turman admit to the bizarre scenario Because I'm trying to steal a car that's probably in between drags that not that's not legally mine Wait, she said that on the thing. Yes, why what's your emergency? I'm trying to steal cars

Not legally my I said all 9-1-1 because I'm trying to steal a car stealing it if it was legal years Wait, does she need to maybe she needs to get the certain stars and the cops You know to me like in GTA trying to get the helicopter to come out and then you got to figure out how to you Yeah, you do a paint job. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what she's going to a safe. So y'all better come make a report I love that she thinks that's all they're gonna do just come make the report then we're good No, they're gonna throw you to I will give this car back once you all make your report right the 911 operator responded with I'm reporting this yeah, thank you. It's getting reported make your report Thank you the police that mean you were reporting it or making your report so the police arrived at the car dealership parking lot

Oh Mention that it's a car dealership and found Turman exiting the driver's side of a, I'm gonna give you the model or the car company, and you have to tell me what she was trying to say. What model? What model? And what trim level? Yeah, I see.

R2, dude. Can I guess, Beatt, without knowing anything? Sure. Because this feels like- You you think Dodge Ram too? No, I think, and I know they don't make these anymore, but I still want it to be a Mazda RX-7. Okay. I thought you were gonna say it.

Datsun. Datsun. I love Datsun. All right, well I'll just give you this hint, okay? Just to put you in the family. Toyota. Toyota, she's trying to steal a Toyota. Okay, so I have one.

Okay, 4Runner. Toyota 4Runner, what do you think, Dan? I'm gonna go RAV4. RAV4, hard car to get. It is a hard car to get. I think it's a Corolla. Yeah, it's a good answer. One of you is exactly right.

Oh! I think she had her eye on that RAV4. I'm sticking with myself. RAV4 is a good car. You gonna stay on Forerunner? I'll stay on Forerunner. I'm gonna stay on Corolla. All right, get your answers in, shout out your ham radios,

cause she was trying to steal a Toyota Corolla. Yeah! Hey, buddy! Ellie or Essie, Ellie or Essie. I didn't say that. Damn it. So she's sensible, I mean that's very sensible. I always wonder why more cars aren't stolen

from car dealerships. Do they have something special going on that, like that's where I would steal from if it's a new car. You gotta get the keys. Or it's not in someone's driveway per se, so maybe if it's late at night, but there's gotta be security cameras all over you. Like in Glendale, they have new cars parked

on that brand road or whatever. I know. Not even in the lot, like on the brand road. Don't do that. That's very on-brand for them, by the way Okay, while being arrested and charged with trespassing to quote our good friend Ian Edwards Terman told the responding officers that she was training for the video game. What? What's video game? I said Grand Theft Auto It's not not Grand Theft Auto it's not

Damn what? So the how do you how well do you know video games? I mean not enough to be able to figure this fortnight He says for tonight. I mean you can jump in a car. Can you they have certain vehicles in that game? Crush I'm gonna say over. Overwatch? Great game. I don't know, I said just guess. Candy Crush. I love that guess. Thank you.

Not even Mario Kart? No. All right, get your answers in. Call of Duty Black Ops. Wow. Wow. What do you steal a car in Black Ops? I don't believe it at all.

I mean you can get in vehicles I think in Black Ops. That is true actually. You can drive cars and your buddy can be the gunner. And I just wanna see a wall clock go like this and just have you guys in the same discussion, like three hours. That's so funny. I mean you can't get into a car,

I wouldn't get into a car. It's your strategy for a call of duty. Why's it gotta be black ops? Why can't it be white ops? All right, she wanted to notify the police. This is her thinking. She wanted to notify the police so that she could steal the car legally.

Yeah, you can't do it legally. There is no scenario where you can steal a car legally. It's not your car. No, you can test drive. Yeah, steal it legally by giving your license in. And then giving it back. Going around the block with the person. All right, this was not the first time

Termin has been in trouble with that. No, Of course. She has a criminal history that includes petty theft, robbery, and aggravated battery. However, this seems to be the first time she actually called the police on herself. That's right. Calling the police.

Just out of conscience now. And then this is what they say. This is where this article becomes like that blog. Calling the police and reporting your own crime is next level questionable. What? You had a regular article going and now you're dropping a... Also, you own crime is next level questionable. What? You had a regular article going and now you're just. Also dropping a piece.

You don't need next level. Yeah, it's just questionable. Okay lady. Okay lady, whatevs. Is this from okaylady.com? They have to end every. By the way, okaylady.com, just a blog about women doing dumb crimes.

I would read that in a heartbeat. When you were on the newspaper, how did you end every article? Oh, how did I end the sports? You can't just put the end. Right, no, that's the way I see it in the world of sports. In the document to mark the end of a newspaper article, that's the specific thing you put.

Byline, no. No, you put, God, I. I have no idea. No, there is something I used to do used to put the paragraph. I don't remember why but you put the number 30 Yeah, that's how you're in the newspaper article. I didn't know except at okay lady.com Sister site of this weird dude. I don't know the reason there's some like going back to like letter pressing or whatever We might not have even done that. I don't think we did it

Right. We did not do it right. That's although we are sure the car dealership was happy that it played out that way We're gonna get out of here on this how old is Christie Lee Turment trouble with the laws of history She's definitely and she knows what a toy the value of a Toyota Corolla and she plays video games. Yeah I wish but black ops is a little little older millennial Gen X-y. Okay. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go 28.

I'll go 41. 41? That's what I was thinking. I'll split the diff, I'll go 34. Okay. Get your answers in. She's thinking about stealing cars and thinking about freezing eggs.

She's like right in that mode. You were correct in your range. Older millennial, younger gen-axe, but more older millennial. Kristy Lee Turman is 37 years old. Yeah, buddy. Three off. Three off, four off.

You guys were in the range. We go rand? And that's it! That is the show! Watch Curse is Special. Chris Grace is Scarlett, as Scarlett Johansson. As Scarlett Johansson on Dropout.tv. Sign up for it, go to his thing first,

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