Dumb People Town - Dan Levy - Crimedr

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

Comedian and writer Dan Levy stops by as Randy describes how a man claims to have set a masturbation world record, Dan explains why a taxi driver led police on a multi-state chase, and Jason warns against pouring whiskey in Holy Water, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Hims!  Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose We'll make the news, breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half price mail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast, Dan co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members, don't be a jerk. We spread the music. There's the funny hits and we are gonna take you down.

Stick around, make a sound. Dumb People Town. Hey, Tatties. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. Population, Levi. Yes. I'm here.

I'm here. You're here. Two Dan here and two scars let's do it let's do it dude let's do this thing the world is stupid it's idiotic and it's windy and it's windy our power went out but it came back on just because you're here and the joy like as parents of little kids and you have more than we do so you get to go have three kids, right? You can complain about you get to complain and you can tell us to shut up, right? We are around dumbness all the time like little kids are like people but dumber Yes, so we know about this dumb world and then there's a whole dumb world going on outside of it

Yes, so we're you're perfectly equipped to handle exactly my daughter's three and instead of saying things are big. She says they're heavy Yeah, so Everything's heavy everything's heavy. Yeah Just started talking so like okay The other kids like tell her what the right word is you're like Can I talk to you? Yeah? All right, but it's kind of heavy It's pretty heavy. You're like, all right now we're getting Just getting those feelings girl. We showed her the Tom Hanks movie. She's like

It's called big was it Philadelphia Shall we jump into a story I I've got one right here. This is sent in by one of our favorites, Carleen McDermott at CBCarleen. Thank you, girl. Ready for this? Yep. Man-set masturbation world record

with an unbelievable time. Masanobu Sato believes his genes and his imagination are to thank for his what? I think it's his name his name is basically masturbation yes He had no choice What's the metric here because if we're gonna get all of this if it is prolonged erection Like keeping yourself erect then yeah, okay? Yeah, but the other way would be how many times you can climax, but then it would be shortest about it

Yeah, but my question was when sting was into the tantric thing would he like jerk himself to closeness and then not I don't know Sting well, but I don't see well enough to ask. Yeah, I mean't know Sting well, but. I don't know Sting well enough to ask that. I mean I know him. I know him. I could text him. I wrote in the back of a jag over the once. Face timing him. Question. When I'm talking to Gordon, Gordon Sumner. All right, the world record holder for quote,

the longest time spent masturbating. Like physically jerking off. Yep. Okay. Claimed his secret to success was his abundant imagination and unemployment right? And lack of girlfriend and lack of a partner yeah, and the ability to live alone You know how much he bothered the people who answer the phones on Guinness World Records has anyone done this right so no There's a whole you're gonna love this summit right so there are some weird and wonderful

Stunts recorded by the Guinness Book of World Records. American author Donald a Gorski, 71, is listed as eating a whopping 34,128 big max in his lifetime. Meanwhile, Zhang Jingkun is also known, is known for making the most bunny hops on a bike's rear wheel onto a bar in one minute. That's kind of cool. But not every feat is included in the ledger. In fact, Guinness Book of World Records refuses to accept or monitor environmentally unfriendly

records or anything that involves tobacco or cannabis. Something to note, Doug Benson. Another record that has been marked elsewhere is the world's longest masturbation session completed by Masanobu Sato in 2009. Masturbation Sobo. Right. Sato holds a world record for the longest masturbation sessions from the San Francisco Weekly. That's who... Of course they report on that! This city's going to hell in a handbasket. Come see us on the river. I am so

mildly annoyed at this guy. Right? Yeah After a while, you're just playing with yourself. But I do love how San Francisco is just fully crime-ridden right now. Constant mugging, constant stabbing, and the reporter's like, you know what, I'm going to cover. I'm going to cover masturbation masasupas. Don't look there, look over here. Let's go undercover. Let's go under his covers. Don't look there, look over here. Let's go under cover, let's go under his covers. Don't look at that beating, look at this one.

Somebody else got to do the naked parade, this was his. He's taking down his own Harvey Milk. Is that the Kuwait Tower? No, that's just a guy masturbating for 20 minutes. What was the interview? Was the interview like a sit down? I don't know, this mean feed has been recorded and acknowledged by the Center for Sex and Culture

in San Francisco as part of its annual Master Beta-thon fundraiser. Did you know they had that? No. I'm surprised we haven't been asked to perform at it. Wait. The Master Beta- I'm done with Jimmy Pardo.

Yeah, let's go. Screw these smiles. Right, come on. The event encourages people to know the Master Beta-thon coincides with the Toyotathon. Hey, both. But, in a big legal battle with the happy Honda day. It does.

In one instance you're getting cash back in the other person instance you're getting your ass back. So the event encourages people to fundraise for charity while dispelling the shame and taboo that still surrounds self pleasure today. In 2009, Japan resident Sato worked at a sex toy manufacturer named Tenga. Now he's just taking his work home with him. I feel like, yeah, I have concerns about this.

Can't you just leave it at the office? I have concerns about masturbation, Mappu. I feel like this guy. Leave it at the office, man. Come on. Come on, he's bucking for a promotion. He competed in the ninth annual Masturbate-a-thon. He brought an art.

It would be more interesting if he was a chiropractor. So he was having to masturbate for seven hours a day. All right. He brought an arse... Yeah, because that's a passion. Not a job. Hang on, are you cracking my back? Is that me saying, oh, or are you saying, oh? You have the best hands.

I don't know about that. Why is my... There's so much lotion on my back. What is going on? It's great. It's supposed to be how long you can stay right? He brought an arsenal feel relieved and so to say He brought an arsenal masturbating aids to the competition as per an arsenal Yeah, aids of as per digital spy which is another magazine and managed to keep going for a staggering

How many hours so you have multiple journalists following him around? Yeah, I mean someone's gotta be watching him. Now I don't know if it's like. So lube, flashlights. Everything. Trying to think of what else he would do. Do you wanna do this at the end? We can do this at the end.

We can do it wherever. Let's just keep ripping this guy out. How many hours? How long did he keep this thing going for the record? Man. Let's do this at the end. 127 hours. 127 hours and then he saw it off his penis this thing going for the record. Man. Let's do this at the end. 127 hours.

127 hours and then he saw it off his penis to get out of the rock, the rock and the hard place. Based on experience. Yeah. Definitely a hard place. Based on experience. Seven minutes. He started at the beginning of the movie The Irishman.

He finished in the closing credits. Yeah. World record. Seven minutes and he was hungry afterwards. No, he went right to sleep. He went right to sleep. You ready? World's a he's Dan seven minutes and he was hungry Went right to sleep You ready? What'd you say Jay? He had post-not clarity. I'm gonna say Three hours, okay He is staggering nine hours in 58 no almost I'm like you couldn't go to ten to yeah

It's really two minutes away from ten. You can make it an even ten So the previous world record which he actually held was how long something anything he held 856 what do you think it is? Seven hours wait, so can I take I think we'll go ahead real quick? Yeah, bro, so this is when I realized that my son would probably be okay in life. There was a, there's an arcade. You didn't do this?

No, there's an arcade over at Castle, what are, you know the. Castle Park. Castle Park. And we would go at the beginning of the day. Smart. For him to masturbate. For him to masturbate, no. He would go play like Crossy Road,

whatever that thing is, you know that. It's basically Frogger modern-day Frogger Yeah And he found out that if you had the record on the machine for the day they reset every day if you have a record On the machine you get like 60 tickets so he would set the record low and Then he would kill himself in the game not in life And then he would get six days and then he would just keep beating it by like two and three and four

Well within his ability to keep being it and he would just get game in that system eight hundred he gave the system Yeah, I think that's what this guy. Yeah, he's running escape your sons are criminal He's got it. You already make me the next great masturbator in America many frisbees 8,000 tickets for this slide whistle So this Chinese finger torture, I swear slide whistle? Chinese finger torture? I swear to you, speaking of Chinese finger torture, this guy, I think he stopped himself before when he knew he could go much farther

because he's like, I just want to keep breaking this record. Good news is, speaking to Vice after the event, Vice is covering this. The world record holder confirmed that he washed. He's the Joey Chestnut of... He had a vice grip on his old man. He washed his hands and his penis before starting and revealed his long lasting secret

was his abundant imagination. Quote, my abundant imagination was a key to my triumph. Spank bank. Firstly, secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won my first prize last year, he told the publication, I swam twice a week and gained about five kilograms in muscle. We've all been trained.

In muscle weight. I hope you're not doing this in the pool. And that helped me a lot too in terms of stamina. Thirdly. Why, look at him really quick, Grant. Because he's talking about arm power? Yeah. Also, I've been surprised.

Stamina. He's got a shake weight. It feels like it's just more forearm work. Shake weight. One side. You know what takes stamina listening to him talk for five minutes. Stamina. It feels like it's just more forearm work. Yeah, I mean, one side. You know what takes stamina? Listening to him talk for five minutes. The variety of sensations each Tenga gave me

was ideal for long masturbation. Without the variety of sensations, my junk would not feel the same. He didn't say junk, he said another word. Sensation for a long time, and I used as many as 10 different ones so that my blank avoids being paralyzed. Paralyzed?

He then went on to thank his family. His blank meaning his penis. He then went on to thank his family and he said. It's your penis, it's not Christopher Reeve. It's not gonna get paralyzed. He said, I then wanna thank his family for transferring him some good DNA. He thanked Michael Eisner, which was weird.

No he didn't. No, no. And he's just happy that he's just happy that he's getting CAA for getting me here tonight. He said I'm just glad that people are now amplifying my voice. What? Just kidding.

Thank you. That's every good thing. So interestingly he's not the only person who enjoys a marathon masturbation sessions. In 2018 Drake Hardy, that can't be his name. The rapper? No. One of them boys who was solving crimes

Claimed that he had beaten saddow's record beaten is the perfect bad word and By going at it for a whopping 10 hours and 10 minutes and go at it He did speaking to Mel magazine wait who in God's name is interviewing the Spice Girls The man by the way these masturbation guys have have got more press in their career than me. Than all of us. I've done anything. I'm gonna now yell at your publicist. All right, Mel Magazine.

I knew I'm not in Mel Magazine. Get me in Mel Magazine. Get me in Masturbation Weekly. You've been jerking me around for 10 hours. Get me in a Mel Magazine. I knew I could beat it. Actually, I've beat the record, but by myself without a witness. Oh, really? A

witness? Yeah. I figured there's a world record for something I have to be pretty good at and I have a chance of beating. Stop saying beating. He continued, who hasn't dreamed of being the best in the world at something? Hardy claimed that he was interested in competing in the masturbation. He could inspire people to have a total. You didn't want to inspire anyone. No. To have an open and honest sexual freedom. This I actually support, if this is what he's into. I want to share my experience with others in hopes that their journey to sexual freedom

can be shorter, better informed, and more open and honest with themselves and others. I think he's also being like, I would like to stop doing this and like to do this with a person. I'd like to park it in somebody. Yeah, I don't think he's mentally stable. No. Sato's record still stands, but who knows? It could be Hardy being inducted. So Hardy,

the Hardy Sato could be the chestnut Kobayashi. Or the Pete Rose Ichiro. That's right. Being inducted into the Center for Sex and Culture in Johnny stiff Johnny steel, uh, I looked it up. Yeah Tenga Tenga. It is a male stroking device. Okay He's on Amazon 3164 reviews. Oh my god. Are they gonna say dollars? I've star no they cost 899 okay Would you like to guess the rating based off a sin thousand one hundred and sixty four?

Reviews on Amazon out of five out of two is a two four two hander four point one six I'm gonna say 4.8. Okay, I will tell you that I'm gonnaander four point one six I'm gonna say four point eight okay. I will tell you that I'm gonna say four point one Okay rating out of five on a tanga yeah three point one Steven Ross one star don't bother yeah Have returned like five tangas Tango means I have in espanol you know tango No, Kira, okay, one star regrettable first time

So you need to do a follow-up. I love the people who gave one star. They're like, I don't even have time. Their full name is in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My review needs to be read by people. Yeah, please. I need them to know how I felt about this masturbator. Don't bother. Don't bother.

Regrettable first time. Regret. Everybody's first time is a little regrettable, buddy. Sure, did you cry a little bit? I think. That's story number one down in the books. Dan Leav is with us. We'll find out what he's got going on,

how you can follow him, see him live in LA, all that stuff. And we'll show what we have going on right after this. Boom! Stick around, make a sound. There's more than PeopleTown. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get to Dan and his unbelievable coat,

the man has the best coats in the history of coke game on points. Oh, it's always tight It is Jackatee just like Dan always has a good sweatshirt Dan Van Kirk Dan Levy always with a great jacket. He's a jackatee. He's a jackatee. It's a jacket here So we got to let people know what we have going on with which is a lot of good stuff in your future Jan I are gonna be at the La Jolla Comedy Store, never done it, always done the American Comedy Company, down in San Diego, first time at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Super exciting. Headlining a full weekend.

Headlining a full weekend, that's the 24th and 25th of January and then on the 1st of February, we'll be at Sketch Fest in San Francisco, doing our two man show, which I'm very excited about doing. If you wanna catch it in LA, you missed it in LA, we're doing it at The Nest, which is the upstairs area at The Crow. We're hanging out in that little room. On the 29th.

29th to sort of like as a tune up for this thing to do with that. Because I missed the LA show. So you come to that one. Maybe I should come to The Crow. I love that. So that's at The Nest. We'll put all of our dates on the thing,

but then we have much, much stand up that we'll be doing. We're doing the Aspen Comedy Festival this year. There's an Aspen Comedy Festival? Yes, we're doing it. Same thing. We're doing the Wheeler Opera House. I'm super excited to do that. That's so cool. Yeah, I love it.

So we're doing that on like March 12th, and then the 13th and 13th through 15th are we in? Detroit. Are we in Detroit? No, are we, or maybe, yeah, Detroit. And then the next weekend we're in Minneapolis, and then we're doing this thing at the Bellflower, which is the LA Folk Festival.

We're performing in front of the Milk Carton Kids on that Sunday, the 23rd. And then we're doing this thing at the Bellflower, which is the LA Folk Festival. We're performing in front of the Milk Carton Kids on that Sunday, the 23rd. And then we're gonna be in Denver at ComedyWorks South, and then we're going to Moon Tower. There's a lot of stuff happening, a lot of standup, just superschoolers.com, check that out. And Future Stuff 2, we are gonna talk about this on our other podcast, View From the Cheap Seats,

we're ending that. So that is gonna be done, but maybe a new thing emerges. One door opens, another one, one door closes, a window opens, is that what happens? A mail slot opens. Door closes, you jump out the window. Okay, that's how I'm gonna plummet to your death. One door closes and then you shut it down.

It's over, it's over. No, but we'll keep you posted. Anyway, just follow us at Sclar Brothers on all social media and we'll do that. But Dan, when can people catch you, see your show. I love your gossip show, god damn it so much. Thank you so much. I'm actually sad because guys,

I was at the Aspen Comedy Festival in 2001 and I won the funniest college comedian in America. You did? I was holding onto that title. Oh my gosh. The whole festival ended the year after. You shut it down. I've been the funniest college comedian.

For 23 years. For 23 years. And you're the funniest college comedian for 23 years. For 23 years and you're telling me right now that it's over. That my title is gone? We went in 98 and 99. That's when we went to the Aspen Company. 98 and 99, we went those two years. God, that was fun.

Yeah, it was very exciting. I didn't realize it was coming, but they asked us to do it in the Wheeler Opera House. Jesus Christ. That's so exciting. Amazing. That's on March 12th. But where can people see you and what? Well, I'm gonna be coming home to Stamford, Connecticut

to the New York Comedy Club, January 24th, 25th. Hey, great, that's exciting. Great, awesome. And then doing the gossip show at Largo February 4th. Beautiful, fantastic. Such a good show. It is so good. It's so funny.

It's such a great work. Just for people to know. So people in the crowd It's so good. It's so funny. It's so, just for people to know. So people in the crowd write down insane gossip. Yes. And then you have your, you and your guests read. The gossip out loud. Yeah. It's kind of like overshare a little bit,

but the gossip is, it's very salacious. Like to me, I always- The clip of you and Richard Kind on stage. I keep seeing that in my, was it him talking about your kids' water bottle? Well, that was a separate opening where I basically brought out my kids' Hanukkah wish list. Yes, the funniest thing ever.

And I go, Richard Kind, read this, it'll be funny. Yes. Hilarious. And it was. It was so goddamn funny. Everything he was doing was funny. Everything he was doing. And you making fun of him the way he was...

All of it was like, I'm like, this is my comedy. And then my neighbor, because my daughter really wanted the same water bottle as our neighbor Dylan So Dylan's parents called me and they're like Is Dylan a star and I was like, I mean Richard kind and said her name. Yeah Yeah, yeah kind of yes. Yes. Anyway, so everyone is kept things are in like what is this Dylan water bottle? I was like, it's just like a mint water bottle They're just nine and that's what they want. That's what they want.

When they want it, they want it. The importance of it, and I guess that's what also is at the center of the gossip is that like every person's little piece of gossip that they hold is so important to them. It's like a treasure. It's like a gold nugget that you just, and for people to be able to anonymously write it down

It's again like the overshare to write it down a piece of paper and then potentially have it read out there Well, you have to be a special stand the the best though is when people are anonymous because we say if you feel more comfortable Sure, you do not need to tell us that you are but if you want to stand up and dig into this Let's do it. And when people do. Which is great too. So fun. I mean I like it both ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to say, I've seen it both ways. Also the joy that you talk about

when you have a new piece of gossip in your world that you wanna share with your wife. Oh, that you love gossip. That you and your wife love to share gossip with each other. Oh, it makes me love your relationship with your wife whenever you do that bit. Anyway, go see Dan. Anyway, it's fun.

Go see Dan do stand up. DanLevy.com, is that it? DanLevyShow.com, but really just go on my Instagram at DanLevyShow. Are you weekly at the store too? Yeah, we've been doing a new material show weekly at the Not My Store. It's a great show, I always see you in the overlap.

Yeah, yeah. It's an awesome show. So that's a fun Wednesday show. We actually, is it Wednesday? It goes Wednesday, Tuesday. It's a fun weekly show where we just do new material. I wanna do it, cause we have some new stuff that we're trying to. All you guys, start working up. I love it where we just do new material. I wanna do it, cause we have some new stuff that we're like trying to.

All you guys, start. I love it. Build on this new power. DanLevyShow.com. I can't do comedy. Yeah, we're back. We're back. All right, Dan, ready?

Tommy's back. Let's do it. Taxi driver led cops on multi-state chase. This was sent in by Brian W. Lance with a Z. Was the meter on? You got blanced. At Blance. B-L-A-N-T-Z, 79. and W Lance with a Z was the meter on you got blanced at blants okay BLA and TZ 79 did you blants the blintzes yeah right I blanced a boil blantz I ate too many blintzes

Connica was too long did you eat too many blantzes my favorite golden girl blantz blantz blantz okay I love a cottage cheese blanch that's also the blanched you buy roommate in college blanced Wasn't his name. He's just always like I'm getting Blanch tonight Alright that's gonna be like my daughter in college using the word heavy as big Get heavy tonight. What does that mean? Whoa, look at that heavy building. Go heavy or go home is what I always say.

That is the heaviest Christmas tree I've ever seen. Who's your favorite rapper? Big D. You mean heavy D? An Alabama taxi driver. Heavy Smalls. Okay. Alabama taxi driver?

They should be at the LA FolkFest. Heavy Smalls. No, Alabama taxi driver. Alabama taxi driver is They should be at the LA Folkfest. Heavy Smalls? No, Alabama taxi driver. Alabama taxi driver is a solo blues musician. I imagine that. But Heavy Smalls is a great name for a band. It is. Alabama taxi driver is the remaining bandmates of the Alabama Shakes without Britney Howard. Yes.

Okay, fine. Heavy Smalls is a blues singer who only does covers of Biggie Smalls songs. Biggie Smalls, yes. Who is also Post Malone. Yes. And one-out. But Pre Fontaine. Pre Fontaine, Post Malone.

Post Malone, Pre Fontaine. In blackface. Post Pre Fontaine, the racer, but Pre Pre Fontaine, the movie. Okay. An Alabama taxi driver led cops on a two-state police chase. What? What? That ended in a Tennessee ditch.

Tennessee ditch? Another great band. Yeah, they opened for Florida. Georgia Country Florida Line. Where she told officers, she quote, just didn't feel like stopping. Yeah, man. Okay, if you're being chased by the cops

over two state lines, the first thing you say to them is I'm an astronaut, I'm in a diaper, I'm going to see my ex-boyfriend. Yeah, I'm in love. And you just have to say like, I'm in love, love will make you do crazy. It's 2008 and I'm in love. Let me turn down this Adele sentence.

I'm in labor. I'm in labor. I'm in labor. Because you always get the rhetorical question from the cop. Yeah. Wanna tell us what you were doing? Yeah, I'm in labor.

Right. I didn't feel like stopping. Are you a woman? Hey, I'm going to sue you. I'm in labor. Lord. Crystal Lynette Perkins. Crystal Lynette Perkins. Yeah, that's another LPC was first spotted at about what time on Wednesday when she failed to yield to cops in Huntsville. Huntsville, Alabama. Yes. What time do you think this Alabama time? 2 p.m. Oh, you feel like it's a daytime run. I think this is a morning situation.

11 a.m. So from the night before, 6.30 p.m. Okay. One of you is only one hour off. So you all get the option to go up a year or down a year. 7.30 p.m. Up an hour. I'm gonna go 3pm.

10am for me. Ok. Crystal, Lynette Perkins was first spotted when she failed to yield to cops in Huntsville at 10am. Oh! I won! Very nice. You win a jacket. I win a Tanga.

You win a Quebec Nordiques jacket. This set off, which feels a little too severe, this set off a pursuit heading north that went into Meridianville, the Madison County Sheriff's Office said in a statement. Madison County deputies then joined the chase, we got a Smokey in the Bandit in this situation, that continued into Hazel Green, Alabama. Oh my God. Jesus. Hazel Green on name alone a 30 for 30 has taken place Hazel green alabama like a river fall yes

Like a wrestling coach coaches them to a stage. Yeah, we can sell that drama right now to peacock Yes recel produce that hopping in hopping in hazel green So this chase goes into hazel green, Alabama and into Tennessee where Lincoln County Sheriff's Office was quote patiently waiting Yes, quote to pick up the chase. That's right. Everybody's excited about this. This is smoky in the bandit This is what we're doing today Everybody's gets to join this parade. What's coming your way? We're ready

What if she's delivering a case of beer to Paul Williams they didn't care they were gonna kill her yes she's got she's got give me some crab legs the renegade hack then intentionally struck one of the pursuing Lincoln County patrols better believe it you got her to lose control of her American cab company taxi no man Perkins vehicle ended up in a ditch. I have photos. It is so ditched. Please tell me it's, oh yeah.

Oh wow. Dude, that is, she tried to jump it. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do.

She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do.

She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. She tried to do. But we put all the show info where the phone number and shows called ditched night ditch Kind of feels like just kind of feels like symbolic of our country Yeah, we're on fumes Make car chase is great again. Yeah the flag looks like the car is almost taking a knee. Yeah, think about it The flag looks like the car is almost taking a knee. Yeah think about it Kaepernick's now she was arrested at the scene and faces multiple moving violations in Tennessee and Alabama Yeah, including felony evading arrest. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think I saw a police chase by the way Like three days ago our famous one that we've seen that we that was comedy. Just moved to LA. Have you heard this? No, it would be great if it was in the OJ. This is obviously your takeaway from it is why you're comedians, but also what happened

is comedy. So we're over by the Troubadour. Yeah, but yeah, we're heading west. Heading east. No, heading east. We're heading east on Santa Monica approaching Doheny. So you're coming into West Hollywood. Coming into West Hollywood from Beverly Hills.

Fancy. We see a car rip past us super fast, like on the shoulder. Sedan? I never asked you that. I can't even remember what it was. Four door. But it wasn't a truck.

You remembered what you needed. It wasn't a truck, it was a car. This was after you guys stopped taking the motorcycle with the little seat. Sidecar, yes. We're done with that. They're on horseback. Speeds past us.

It zips to the light and then, and a police car comes right after it, I mean like two cop cars in pursuit. And this car gets to the light and then turns on his blinker. And goes up. And goes left. And I'm like, you didn't wanna get busted

for not putting on a signal? Like, don't throw that on me too. I mean I might be trying to outrun something, but I may have murdered someone and the cops are chasing me. Police chase version of trying to avoid extra fees. Yeah, dude, you don't wanna eat. When you travel.

This is also like a peacock drama, like the OCD serial killer. The OCD, it should be the OCD, and he just always does like the OCD ABC killer. Cause the move, which would work, Real Housewives of the OCD killer. His left signal turn right. But he left signaled and turned left.

He did it. And so who was this? Everybody knows what's coming. We don't know. Oh, I thought this was going to be like a famous thing. It was the Menendez brothers. Yeah, that's what I was hoping. We haven't worked out the deck yet for,

we don't really know. We don't know what the show's going to be. But we were just like that. We were just like right there like, I can't believe he was in the middle of a car chase, and his first thought was, I better let him know I'm turning. Better let him know I'm turning.

I'm obsessed with car chases. I'm obsessed with all the, you know. We used to do it a whole bit about it. We used to do a bit. So the bit, our bit was. Our standup bit that we did in the early 2000s. Is that news people, when they come on and they're doing a car chase and they're calling it live.

It's too much time. And they don't have improv skills. And they don't have information. And they cannot confirm anything, even though they're calling it live. It's too much time. And they don't have improv skills. And they don't have information. And they cannot confirm anything, even though you're seeing it on the screen. That's the premise. That's the premise. There is a whiteish car moving Ford Fiesta-ish type vehicle. Moving northish.

Not confirmed. We really can't confirm. Car chase is westish, southish, boundish. You guys should bring this back. It's such a fun bit. Put it on TikTok. We should. Release it now.

He likes it, it's a fun bit. I love it. That's what every time, I've had 15 people come over to me and say, you know what you gotta do, you gotta record all your old material. Yeah. And release it like it's new. Everyone's told me that.

We should. Well, I wanna do that to get it away from our horrible record label. I wanted to do it with my first album. I wanted to do it too, but I have to like I have to remember it We don't remember the bits. I know but we want to get it away from our horrible original record label Yeah, yeah Comedy Central Records. No stand-up records. No all things comedy Just kidding car chases are when there's no more usage of the group of words seems to be right Well, they seem to be they currently seem to be going the peers to be yes

What I don't like anything bad happening, but in car chases when the news anchor is trying to tell the director Like to go away from this well We will we're probably gonna step away like when anything when it starts to go wrong at the end Yes, we'll probably have to step away from this for then they're like trying to get the director, we're like stop showing. Helicopter zooming in. No, I'm on CitizenApp, we've talked about that. So like, you know, Grindr for crimes. So I'm always, I'm always getting alerts.

And I go to the scene. Did you call it Crimeder? I called it Crimeder. Crimeder, that's better. Feel free. Tag it. Tag it, I tagged it, I tagged it. Come on, call it Crimeder. Crimeder, Grindr for crimes.

Crimeder. Oh, little leader. You know, I have a lot of gay friends You come on call it crime dirk reminder grinder for crime You have a lot of gay friends and some of their dates can be considered I'm sure crime. Have you been on grinder some of those guys get a little aggressive No injuries were reported Quote this is Perkins when her reply to when she was asked why she didn't pull over quote I just didn't feel like stop. I love it. She's on her little falling down moment. I love she's honest I like this person Perkins also lost her job as a taxi driver after the two-state police chase department So said we'll get out of here in this how old is Crystal Lenette Perkins at what age are you driving a cab

and also have had enough? This is where I wish she was a country star. You're hitting multiple states. You could write a great song about this, am I right? It's called I Didn't Want to Slow Down. That's the name of it. I Didn't Want to Stop. I Don't Know Where I'm Going.

Here's the line that he called me back to with different meaning, it's not fair. It's not fair. It's about driving your cab too far and it's not fair. It's not fair. It's about driving your cab Yeah, too far and it's not fair or I wish I had ways Wish I had ways to get you back To three state lines ways and means to time and man took me to three state lines. That's great, too Wow

We get a record deal. Oh you guys call Wilson this is why everyone just has become country songs. Yeah. So did Shingers. Yeah. Because it seems that's easy. Yeah, Beyonce did it. Everyone did it.

Beyonce's like, I'll do a country song. Why? Because a country song is just stating things that are happening in your world. And those people buy concerts. Yes they do. All damn day. They show up.

All right, how old do you think? What's the guy? At what age do you think? Wear my boots. Who's the guy's name? And I'm gonna now forget it. Morgan Wall and Alan Joe? No.

No, no, but the guy that Josh Ademirer's over, what's his name, Mudflap? No. Jelly Roll? Jelly Roll. Mudflap. No, there are a lot of guys, like Jelly Roll's amazing. Jelly Roll's amazing. He is also.

I have a confession. What? You love Jelly Roll. I started doing a Jelly roll impression to my family when I was a little drunk at Christmas time. And they loved it. I was like, they're all the same. I remember and my cousin was like, what?

And I'm like, I was out on parole and I've been so sad. You were the best that I ever had. Believe in yourself. And me and a cat lying here in the dirt. Everything is like that same line. But nobody knows the way that I hurt. He's such a good guy. Because I've been feeling so down.

And people are like, yeah. It's like a limerick. He's like a white Morrissey. People just dig in the emotion. He's the patron saint of can I borrow money. I love him. I think he's phenomenal. But he knows his audience. No, no. He's the patron saint of can I borrow money? Yeah. I love him. I think he's phenomenal. But he knows his audience.

No, no. He knows what's up. He knows. Here's the other thing about countries seeing it. Randy and I were in a movie, Wild Hogs. We were in the movie Wild Hogs. That movie made so much money on DVD sales long after DVDs were done.

Done. Of course. Because that population was like, we'll buy the DVD. You know what that would do on Netflix today? You know what it would do on Netflix if they just put it on the algorithm today? I would love it. I'd love to make some money, although you wouldn't.

Yeah, you get about 78 cents, but it would blow up. Yeah, of course. All damn day. How old do you think KLP is? The day that she said I'm not stopping? 63. 32? 63.

63? 40. 40? Crystal, Lynette Perkins, before we go to story number three and Jay will bring us home is 35 To tangas Get him a tank I won two tangas today. Give us a taste of what we're gonna

And I'm gonna the holiest of holy waters in this last year. I cannot wait! Dan Leavitt's with us! Don't go anywhere! Stick around, make a sound, there's more to the F***ing People town! Townies, are you looking for a boost in the bedroom? Hims is here to help with personalized ED treatment options and it is all online. Look, when your car breaks down, what do you do? Immediately, you know what to do. Most people can't fix it themselves. Most men don't know how to do that. You take it to a mechanic.

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Subscription required. Price varies based on how to pan. That's a good thing. Stick around, make a sound. There's more to PeopleTown. I love this podcast. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. I love this podcast as Dan Levy was just saying in the break.

I love that you're on this podcast because nobody understands this. You, or people, people do. This is a writer's room where we don't hit deadlines. So, so. It's like a writer's room. Well it is. In other words, a writer's room.

You've been in many a writer's room. Yeah, where you're like, you know, I'm just gonna do it at home. I'm gonna, I'll do it, I'll bring it in tomorrow. Dan Levy, you are so uniquely positioned to do well on this podcast because you're a standup, you love writing jokes, you've been in writer's rooms, you understand what we're doing.

And you love riffing around. I always love seeing you whenever we're out at the store, whatever, it makes me so happy because I'm like, anywhere man, we're gonna joke around, we're gonna have a good time, we're gonna gossip, which is always the gossip. I love spilling tea with you, it's phenomenal. That's the greatest.

I love seeing you guys. Oh, I gotta save my dates. Oh yeah, Daniel, please go. DanielVancurk.com, go watch Rose Gold if you haven't seen it yet. Great special. I'm very proud of it, I love it you guys. Okay. Oh, I gotta say my dates Oh, yeah, please Daniel van Kirk calm go watch rose gold if you haven't seen it yet great special. I'm very proud of it I love it a lot. I'm in the process of having an all-new hour I think I have my new closer which I'm so excited so I have dates go to Daniel van Kirk and what's the name of the Closer what's the name of the bit? Can you name your bits? Yeah, it's just Waffle House

It's just Waffle House. Oh, I've heard that. You guys are freaking amazing. This is the most epic. You were there when I decided to do the open with a review of a local Waffle House. Great idea. It's the smartest thing ever. This is the biggest epic. Which I'll do in places where they're, like even if the nearest one is 1,700 miles away,

I'm still gonna be like, this is your closest Waffle House. But I'm gonna be in Denver. I'm going to be in Milwaukee. I'm going to be in New Orleans in July middle of summer right after the fourth like the Saturday after the fourth I'm going to be back in Green Lake Wisconsin one of my favorite places to play and I'll be announcing my hub city comedy week where I do a week of shows at the Lincoln Lodge in the summer which is just a big ruse for me to get to live in Chicago in the summer again every year. So all of

everything's up at Danielielvankirk.com and check out my podcast, The Midnight Air, right here on the same network. It drops on Mondays and it's a really fun hang. Overnight radio show, beautiful. Yeah, it's a little late night podcast. I love it. All right, this was the last one,

sent in by David Fournier at DP Fournier Two. Here we go, here's the headline. Man arrested for pouring whiskey into holy water at Maryland church. Wait a minute. Hold on, is this Ryan Reynolds? Hey, he's literally turning water into whiskey. He's literally turning water into holy whiskey.

Where's the opportunity to do this? He obviously wasn't good at it because he got caught. He wasn't so discreet. Did he take it from whiskey to flask That's my my question is are you poor is it like and then he flasked into the thing hmm Also, yes, I think well vodka is the call when you're trying to add something to water Yeah whiskey whiskey makes it so obviously not water. Correct. Unless the bowl is brown.

Or it's lake water. No, no. When we would steal liquor from our parents' liquor cabinet, you'd steal a clear vodka, gin, or vodka. Only Manischewitz. Right, in our case, Jewish parents would never know, because they never tasted it. Manischewitz make a gin.

I think we have bottles of liquor in our liquor cabinet from when we were kids. In our mom's house. No joke, in our mom's house. Never touch. Never touch, never touch. Never touch once. And then my mom pretends like she drinks

and she'll be like, yeah, have a little bit tonight. And then you pour her wine. She takes one like, and then you're like, why pretend? No one cares. No one cares. Dan, I'm letting him breathe. Dan, I'm letting him breathe.

Let it decant, Dan. Wait, I mean there are- You can't. Till tomorrow, mom? What is the point of this? There are like alcohol companies that have gone out of business and have been out of business for decades that still exist in our kit liquor cabinet. You guys probably have a bottle of Drambuie down there. I opened for him.

Kills. Prob comic, hilarious. Kills. And when he's- You can't follow. He's on tour with Jelly Roll right now. Ohills. Prop comic hilarious. You can't follow. He's on tour with Jelly Roll right now. He's on tour with Mudflap. A man was arrested on Thursday for allegedly engaging in

quote disorderly conduct unquote at two churches in St. Mary's County, Maryland including pouring whiskey into a holy water police set according to police report. He has an agenda. So but here's the question. It's a napkin manifesto. So this is as a Jew talking to someone

who's been to a church before and really spent a lot of time with them. Talking to me? Oh, come on, Dan, this is comedy. I don't see anybody else here. Well, there's plenty of other people here. No, we're talking to Dan. Come on, I'm wearing green.

Green represents Christmas. That's right. But here's the question. Is this an Emperor Has No Clothes scenario where if there's whiskey in the holy water, do how? Which is a Jelly Roll song. Sing it, Danny. No, that's a Mudflap song.

Well there's whiskey in the holy water. I don't have rights to see my daughter and I've been laying down in this ditch and you know what I'll call you but I will not say cause I've been laying down in this ditch and you know what I'll call you but I will not say cuz I've been laying whiskey in the holy water I can't see right so what were you gonna say my daughter will the congregation say there's something wrong or will they say this is what holy water should taste like they would not question it right that's what I'm saying I will say look

as as a non-catholic Yes, I do feel like the church does cover things up I'm saying blind faith now in the thing They turned it into our yeah in the narthex after or in the parking lot there will be people like Water was a little little off today sharp or do and then someone some like blind We'll just go and I just thought that probably meant more blessings Right exactly. Like that's a miracle. We saw a miracle Yeah, now I do think that if the priest or pastor preacher

Randy Travis song Tasted it they would go We're not and then not do it right they would call or out. Or keep doing it, get a little buzzed, pull out the holy tango. Yeah, you're right, actually. I have, in Chicago, gotten one of my most fun drinking nights was with this old Catholic priest who was like the coolest Irish dude I've ever hung out with. So yeah, he'd probably be like, hell yeah. This is the beginning of a bad story.

Sure, this is the beginning. Nope, just a good one. You had me take my shirt off. All right, here we go. No, I was like, you take your shirt off, father. I think of a bad story. Sure, this is what we can do. Nope, just a good one. Just a good one. Thank God. You had me take my shirt off. All right, here we go. No, I was like, you take your shirt off, father.

And then we fought. Father, can you hear me? We take your collar off. Here we go. This is the best name of anyone maybe that we've ever had in Dumb People Town. Better than Robert Ravioli? Well, I don't know about that.

And the lawyer whose name I can't remember. Mashapeachy Mashapeachy. Yeah, Mashapeachy Mashapeachy. Rufus T. Justice? Here we go. Thomas Campbell bowling von Getz. No. His name was Thomas Campbell bowling von Getz.

And there's a lot of things he hasn't drank. His name is Thomas. Just you wait. Just you wait. Well I have been waiting. It's the response, the call and response. Jelly roll on Hamilton, come on. Jelly Roll as George Washington in here.

And I'm the man in shadow. We could do that. We could do that. I just saw Hamilton last Friday, it was great. You know people. Jelly Roll is coming home. Okay, here we go. I'm not gonna give you his age, we'll guess at the end.

This dude broke into the Holy Angels Catholic Church in Avenue Maryland during a Christmas Eve mass. Christmas Eve mass, dude. So you know it's packed, it's like a full house. Full house. That's like the eighth night of Hanukkah. Yeah, you gotta drop that in. That's like the seventh day of the World Series.

The man allegedly approached the altar and dropped an onion. If it was this year, it was the first night of Hanukkah. He dropped an onion in the aisle, quote, disturbing the peace of the congregation. Oh, so you drop an onion in the aisle, quote, disturbing the peace of the congregation. Oh, so you drop an onion in the aisle so people look at that and then you pour the whiskey in. Later when it's. Let's go to Ethan Hunt.

Dropping an onion in the aisle is another jelly roll. Later when a citizen followed Von Getz to make sure he left the church. Is this Joseph Campbell Von Getz? Yes. It's not Bernie Von Getz. Bernie Von Getz assaults. Joseph Campbell of the Von Getz fame.

Bernie Von Getz attacked those people on the subway, right? If you see Joseph Campbell... Hounds of music. What's his name? Joseph Campbell's... Von Getz. Thomas Campbell bowling Von Getz. Thomas Campbell bowling Von Getz? If you know that it's him, do you yell out,

someone Von Get him? Yes. Was it a bowling or a bowling? Don't let him Von Getz. If you do his friends call him TCB VG which is a great store in New York. That's their flagship. That's where the Ramones first performed. TCB. It's a yogurt place. Well I got a VG. This can't be. This can't be This can't be fun Campbell Von get bowling ball Thomas bowling Yes, is someone that you are aware of in this town

Yeah So if you are in church on Christmas Eve and Thomas Campbell bowling by gets walks in you're like shit's gonna happen Well, especially if he drops it on you Then you're like Bowling fun gets up to your next to your wife going he's here. He's here. He's here Why am I crying in church? Oh, he just dropped it I know if he drops it if Thomas Campbell bowling buckets drop an onion in in the aisle You know something's up six more weeks of winter

Okay, it does sound like a great like good luck. There's Thomas Thomas Junior I use basketball jersey was two lines Anyways every time he comes to a building he drops some sort of vegetable and then he He just starts pouring whiskey plays. I saw your eyes out. I saw him at a synagogue drop a turnip. Wait, hold on. He's always carrying melted ice cream. Way later when a citizen follows Von Getz to make sure he left the church,

he assaulted him by throwing tangerines at him. Wait, this guy's got food as weapons. I love every food he eats. He's loaded up at Ralph's. He's loaded up. Headed to church. The report from the St. Mary's County Sheriff's Office also revealed later that night

Vaughn gets interrupted the midnight mass service of course. He's not gonna stop Come on at st. Francis Xavier Catholic Church in Leonard town He left the first was like I think I can make that I can make that Where he threw a beat in a secote a few months ago Do you think people in this town scare their kids with his name? Yeah. Oh. Oh you want to act like that? Yeah. Guess who's gonna come over tonight when you're sleeping? Thomas Campbell bowling. No, not yet. He's got a fistful of pomegranate seeds. He's gonna bongetcha. He's gonna bongetcha. Literally one of the greatest vines I've ever seen is the kid in the computer set class

He's like I'm gonna say it. They're like the computer set class. He's like I'm gonna say it It was like say say it. He's like I'm gonna say it say it he goes. I don't care that you broke Say it say it say it Thomas Campbell bowling von Getz do don't you say that. I had this thought yesterday. A sincere question for the three of you. Yes. We leave the studio, open our phones, as we all want to do. We find out Vine is back.

How quickly are you downloading? I'm on it in a hot second. Immediately. Vine could come back, and Twitter owns it, right? Once TikTok goes, Vine will find these but it's tick-tocked vine got bought vine got bought by Twitter so I imagine that was part of the deal maybe but if vine came back I'm ready you I wonder if legally somebody could just create an app called vine again and we'd all go

good or or is there an app called van get again or van there's only one person who gets on gets on get on gets again he's on get is Von geta yeah and he's coming back then he's coming back on that would get smart it's Thomas bowling Campbell Vaughn gets got it wrong Thomas Campbell bowling Vaughn gets hey Thomas Campbell bowling Vaughn gets hey back he's got an onion, stay away. That's right. Okay, we both said the same thing.

Taking care of business Von Getz. It works. TCB Von Getz. Here we go. He went to this church in Leonardtown where he poured whiskey into the holy water and threatened to harm parishioners, police said. Then as churchgoers escorted him out of the building,

he unsuccessfully attempted to hit several people with a whiskey bottle. Police said. So he throws it, runs over, picks it up, throws it again. At one point, you need to not be in the room anymore. God knows we love Christmas, let's just leave. Yes.

I mean, this is a real good reason not to know that some do it right some dude said to his wife We've been like bugging him to go to church. Yeah, so I don't go to church Glad we got here and saved two pews for your sister who still isn't here. Yeah, and her drunk husband Thomas handcuff game pushing the car my name's actually Sharon It's not parishioners Detained von gets until officers arrived so they made like a church Citizen arrest someone was like or someone with a little MMA background was like let me take When they make the arrest yeah, only after two churches tangerines onions being dropped. If he misses again with that whiskey bottle, I'm going to take him down. I bet half the crowd at that Christmas

thing was like, put him on a cross. What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do? You're going to say let him go, it's Christmas. No, put him on a cross. They're vindictive people. They took him to the hospital for a medical evaluation according to the police report. This is how we're gonna get out on this show. How old is Thomas Campbell Bowling von Getz? He throws tangerines at people. You're our guest.

You're also two for two. Dan Levy, what do you think? I feel like you're gonna win this. Stop it. He's 14. Stop it. He's 14. They wouldn't give his name.

He's a prankster. If he's 14, this man will be a legend. He's 14. Or a great marine. Okay, fine. He's 32. 32. I thought you were going to go year of our lord. I'm 38. I think he's 38. I'm going to go a very angry 26.

Well, if that was your name. You have a lot to be angry about. All these things make sense. Trying to outrun your name You have a lot to be anger about all these things Outrun your name you're trying to write that in cursive in second grade You know I see him going into the produce section. I'm like there's some shit about to yeah something's going on I'm just having to so many why did he get 18 avocado must be a Thomas? I must be a bowling All right, so get your answers in. Go see Dan at all those great dates that he has.

He's pointing at Vankirk. Now he's pointing at 11. Dan Levy, see him in a new material show at the Comedy Store, but also the next Gossip Show at Largo on the 4th of February. Is that right? And come to Stanford if you're in Stanford. Oh, Stanford, Connecticut.

24th and 25th. Dan. Please see this dude. He has such a good standup. You're 38. 38. I'm 26. 32, 26. But this dude. He is such a good stand-up you 38 38. I'm 26 32 26, but originally working Thomas Campbell I'm gonna switch my only 64 you switch this into endo 64 Thomas Campbell bowling von getz. I'm glad you did Randy is

56 Can't be yogurt all right there we go. That's the. Can't leave you, you're the best. Thank you guys. Can't leave you Kirk, you're the best. And so are you guys. Oh snap, we gotta get back to work. Peace. Bye! Stick around, make a sound, there's more than F***ing Town.