Dumb People Town - Dave Anthony - That's Not How You Make S'mores

Episode Date: January 28, 2026

Comedian and podcaster Dave Anthony from The Dollop (Tour) fills in for Daniel as Jason describes how a snowplow driver admits to doing cocaine before a crash, Dave explains how a woman stole Hershey's chocolate and feminine pads from a store, and Randy warns against murdering your imaginary friend, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: ASPCA Pet Insurance and Hims! To explore coverage, visit ASPCApetinsurance.com/DPT  To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/DPT. 

On today's very special dumb people town, we've got a snowplow out of control. We've got stolen tampons and chocolate. And we've got a man and his imaginary friend. We got a very real friend sitting in for Danny Van Kirk on this episode. Dave Anthony of the Dallop. Check it out. They call me Mr. Happy. Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of coke so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose will make the news.

Breaking down each epic bail in Florida. There's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they Good in love. Listen to our podcast brand With co-host our man Dan Dunderdt Don't be a jerk

Because when the music Which the funny hits Make a sound Come your Down is Dump People Town Hey Tadies Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population You

Population Anthony Dave Anthony is here Daniel Van Kirk is off shooting a show Can't say what it is But he's in a big one Another city. Let's say he got shot.

I don't know what we'd say that. Instead of he's shooting. He's, all right. He's filming. Got shot in a show. And so it's very exciting. And he'll tell you all about it when he can. It's the love boat.

He and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders enter the boat. And kiss. So it's going to be amazing. So we went ahead and we said, look, we don't want to not give you an episode this week. So we reached out to our very close friend, Dave Anthony, who does a little podcast called the Dallup. If you're not listening to it. God, get on board with that. And we'll talk about when it's going to be.

You can see it live coming up. March tour. He's going to join us. And the three of us are just going to do three stories because, damn it, this is good, clean, fun. I got story number one. You want to jump right into it? Okay. This starts off.

This is sent in by Kyle Andrews at late night nachos. Thank you, brother. Thanks, buddy. It starts off with the word warrant. So something tells me maybe the band warrant is involved. She's my cherry pie. Put another dime in the jukebox, baby. I know that's not the line.

But that was the low point of music. It's the honest. We bottomed out. So in that video... In that video, I think someone takes, like, a whole pie and throws it on someone's ass. Yeah. What else you can do with a pie? Also, I don't feel like pie, like a cream pie you can throw in someone's face.

But a full weight... No, you can't. Crowned up. You're hurting. You're hurting someone. How about a... How about I break something? How about a little something with weight to it?

Warrant snowplow driver admitted doing, quote, bumps of cocaine before bizarre fairfield crash. Okay, yes. Wait a minute. If you're on a snowplash. Yes, are we saying? That's the definition of being on a snowplow. Are you saying you can't do cocaine when you're snow?

What limits are we setting? And by the way, who has said, you know what? We got a drug test these snowplow guys. Nobody. Can we please? Well, there was a bizarre fairfield crash at the end of it. A Fairfield man arrested for snowplow collision that spanned four properties. Admitted to doing bumps of cocaine before the crash, according to his arrest warrant.

Mark Keane, and I'm not going to tell you. That's a lot of properties. Four property crash. Like he's like, there's like no even slight thought of breaking for a while. Right. You're like simsitting it through a cornfield. Right. And you can't say I just clipped him.

You know what I mean? You can't. I thought I missed it. I didn't realize. He's charged with driving on the influence and reckless driving for the incident on December 28th. So it was right after Christmas. This was his way of dealing with the home. Does cocaine,

cocaine doesn't really impair your ability to do. Not my. Yeah. That's Dave. He knows what you's doing. No, I think it makes you. Jittery.

It makes you focus more. Yeah. I'm like, are you just guys got like four business ideas? Maybe he's thinking about those as he's going to wreck these cars and I'll fix his shit up. That's my. business. What about a snowplow that also sells tacos? Hold on a snowplow store.

I just sell snowplows. Wait, are you saying a snowplow store? How about animal? It's a moving snowplow store. It goes around to people. Rotating snow plows. It shows it's a door to door snow plow store. It happened just before and I'm not going to tell you what time is I'm making it. It's called plowers for algernon. Because when he started the ride, he started the ride. He started the ride. He didn't really and then in the middle. beginning Glenridge Road when Keene veered off the pavement and hit a Holmes stone walkway, then continued across the front yard next door and into that house's porch. Okay.

Well, that's just, I thought you wanted your porch shovel. Hey, it's not just a snow plow by the way. It's also a porch plow. We're doing the whole thing here, you know, a porch plow. Cleared it all out. He plowed through the porch and then shouted back over his shoulder. You're welcome. You're drunk.

porch plow then continued over a stone wall So at this point Like when you drive through a porch But don't slow down And then you're through a wall Picked up speed Went through a stick

Like that's when he gassed it Stonewall You gotta get through this wall Come hell or high water I don't know A large tree blocks where the plow goes next But the video includes the sound of a loud crash Ring camera footage previously released by

police captures the collision showing the plow cross-street slam into a part car in a driveway on tomore drive the force push the car through the closed garage and under another car inside the stacking the cars he's going really fast this is like the amount of force you have to get to plow is not designed to go as fast as he's going no that's great cocaine yeah yeah okay uh according to keene's warrant the plows path of destruction, which Plow's Path of Destruction also sounds like a band that would have opened for Warren. That's right. Plow's Path of Destruction. Well, from beginning to end totaled, or the name of the band is Plow and their album is called Path of Destruction.

Or it could be out of Buffalo, so. Yeah. Like it would make sense. Plow's Path of Destruction. How many feet, how many feet do you think is Path of Destruction? Four things. Well, we're talking, we're talking across. one yard, then I cross another yard

to a porch, and then through the porch, across a wall, then through somebody else's yard, and then across the street, right? Cross street, car into the garage. But, 20, 100? 100 feet? 300 feet. Get your answers in. Aaron,

you want to guess? You want to throw a guess into the mix? You're welcome to. Oh, it's like 600 feet. 600 feet. Really? Get your answers in. Yeah, four houses. I guess I'm just thinking more like L.A. House is closer. This is Fairfield. All right. 434 feet. You were right, Aaron. It was a lot.

When police responded, Keene was still sitting in the truck. Partying. Yeah, what's wrong? The party just got started. You know it's bad when you've driven through a porch and you're just and you haven't left. Registered. I don't know if this is going to come up, but he's blasting music

right here. Oh, 100%. And it's fine. I warrant. Gene- my cherip I've put another doubt. I know that's not the words. When the police were ready, he was still in the truck, and he was parked there waiting for employees to come help him shovel snow. Yeah, that makes sense. Where are my workers?

How's it going to get out? That's right. Now, he's now in a pickle. He needs a plow to get him out. He's got to get into the building. What am I going to do? Drive through the front door? You might.

You could. He stated he was not injured. So I'm glad now you're a doctor. Guys, I'm not. Are you all right? Guys, I know the first thing everyone's worried about is, am I injured? I'm fine, you guys. And the second half of the statement should tell you that he's probably injured because he said he had no idea that he was just involved in a collision.

So the guy who's saying he was just involved in a collision also tells you he's fine. He's not fine. No. Right. He said I'm fine and I didn't know if I was in a collision is two contradictory. Those are very different things. Right? Very different things. But I will say this, when you are snow plowing, you probably, there's a lot of bumps. The rocks and that you don't see. And I say this. So this could be very easily mistaken. Dave. Dave, during the pandemic. my family and I decided to do a very stupid thing and rent an RV and travel around Utah and into Colorado with two teenage girls.

My daughters were like, yeah, we've been cooped up in a house together for two years. Now let's do it in a smaller space for two weeks. So we're there and it's like so hot. We're like it's 108 degrees where we are in like Arches National Park. And all they care about is being on their phone, right? Dude, it's just worst. It was the worst. So, like, we're actually on my anniversary with my wife.

We're in Durango. We go to the Durango Hot Springs, which was lovely. I was just going to say, it was beautiful. We drove the RV into the parking lot. It was wonderful. I go to get out of the parking lot. There is a beer truck that is blocking one half of the outside half of this. It's basically just parked in the driveway to get out to the street.

So I can't make as wild. of a turn. Sure. And also, I don't understand because there's a 24-foot car. I've never- You don't know how to make a turn. I don't know what the turning radius needs to be on this small of a street. I'm not really driving on small streets. I go to get out.

I made it make a turn. And there's, by the way, a ditch like in the road. And I think because like all the kitchen wear is in the back, I hear it like rattling around that I've dipped into the ditch and I'm coming out on all the like coffee pot and everything. is right. I feel like something's broken. What I didn't realize is I cut the corner too hard, and there was a rock that was two feet high and basically attached to the ground in the ground.

Now, the bottom of the RV is close to the ground. These things are really close to the ground. The rock stayed. We kept going, and it just tore into the door so, like literally pushed the door all the way back. So you couldn't get out that door. Oh, we could not. So we had to drive across. This is on my anniversary.

On my 20th anniversary, I had to drive across the parking lot to like another, there's like a parking lot where they're doing work on the hot springs on another thing. And we parked the car and we had to call AAA. We had to call this person. Someone had to come and like pull the door back so the least we can have it shut so we could drive somewhere. We missed everything. We spent our whole anniversary there. The guy who had a problem with, he was doing work, you know, contracting work for the hot springs. He's drunk and he comes out and he's like, do you want me to just push the thing?

He's got like a lifter and he like is like, do the kids want me to make them some food? We're like the kids do not want you to make them some food. He feels like hot dogs and beans. Yeah, I'm just going to make, I just make, we're like we do not. I soaked a watermelon in vodka. After a while, my wife is like, let him do the thing. I'm like, don't let him do anything. We can't let him do anything to this.

That's this guy. But this is this guy, I'm saying, if you're operating something and it's high up, you don't know what you're bouncing over, could be a stone wall, could be a point. Yeah, could be a court. Okay. Give him this guy some leeway. According to the warrant. I get you, man. I see you, dude.

He also, which is also noted that he had slurred speech and pinpoint pupils in both eyes. The warrant said, cocaine does not give you slurred speech. No, he's drunk. He's drunk and cocaine. So maybe he's like, I'm going to fix this. I'm going to say Amazon cocaine. Yeah. No, you just made it worse.

You just made it worse. The warrant said police asked Keene to get out for a field sobriety test, but as he walked to the end of the driveway, he suddenly collapsed. No, that's not good. Well, that's when it hit you. He said he was fine. He said he was fine. The injury that happens like 30 minutes after the thing that happens, it happens inside you and then it's full of. I don't know how to pronounce this and I'm going to get this wrong.

You had aginal breathing, a-g-o-n-a-l breathing. Let's just say vaginal. Vaginal. Vaginal. I've seen the pit. And he began to foam at the mouth and turn blue. All right. This is not good.

He's fine. By the way, I'm fine. I think WebMD is bad for people because it makes them think they're doctors. The pit is worse. Aaron just said it's agonal because I've seen the pit. That's too much. You shouldn't have this much medical knowledge. I can operate on him.

I saw the parent. Let me set that bone in your son's arm. Give me a pen. I got open up his throat. You're not RFK Jr. I studied another great Dr. Robbie. Oh, come on. Is that Noel Wiley?

The warrant said the leading officer to administer Narcan. All right. Oh, Narcan. He brought Narcan into the equation. Wait, but so it's not cocaine. It's heroin. It's heroin. Just cocaine, you don't need Narcan.

You don't need narcan. I think that's the last, sometimes I'll do cocaine and then Narcan just to really take it up. Yeah, that gets you like there's another. So when he was saying cocaine, he bumped it down. Yeah, cocaine is like what took him off the other thing. All right. Once in an ambulance, Keene fought with the medics. Always good call.

Always good. Well, get your hands off me. Don't what I mean? We tried to save me for. Fine. I'm supposed to be blue. Then he collapsed again. And he had to be tied to the stretcher, during which he bought, he bit an officer's

hands and arms. Oh, yeah. Per the warrant. Let me say this to the officer. Why are your hands near his face? Thank you. You do not need, what are you doing? You don't swab in his mouth.

I've got, for some reason, a. of videos and they're all AI and they're all fake on through my feed of people going too close to a cage and the and some monkey or whatever ripping their clothes forward the thing not off not off just ripping a sweatshirt and then they barely escape I somehow there was one that came with my feed that was a monkey um getting jealous of a female ape or monkey whatever was getting jealous and then I looked at one I'm like oh that's weird and then all of a sudden I'm like My feet was like, oh, you like that? And it was just, there's like 20 of those.

I'm like, no, I didn't like it, actually. Jealous, guerrillas. That's not my. It's so funny. This is like Pat and Oswald did a bit years ago about TiVo when they would suggest for your thing. Remember that? It's like, I watched one Western. And then TiVo was like, would you like this documentary about horses?

No, TiV, no. No, no, no. Stop. Drop it, Tebow. Okay. He later spoke at the police with the police in the hospital. Keen stated that he was on his way to plow. and clear some driveways and had a verbal argument with his girlfriend on the phone.

So now he's throwing his girlfriend under the plow. She sounds like a piece of work, man. She said this. It's just a dude who wanted to go out and get a little bit of snow. I'm just a guy who did heroin and operated every machine. It's not fault. Leave him alone when he's on his shift. Leave the man alone while he's working.

You know what I'm going out plow and you don't talk to me. Can't a man do heroin and plow some snow without his girlfriend giving him flag? You know he's not even on hands-free. He's like got the phone up on his day. He's talking with it right in front of his face on FaceTime. What was that? It seems like you went over something. Nothing.

Went over nothing. So I have the AI thing of like a bulldog sitting at on a car, like driving a car. And there's another guy just sitting in the front seat. And they roll over something. And they're just sitting there. There's like elevator music playing. And then all of a sudden they roll over a huge bump. And then the dog.

Oh, yes. I love that one. Yes. I've seen that one. Dogs like that's like that's side eye look. Yeah, that's what this guy's doing. He then did three, okay. So he then did three bumps of cocaine and then remembered sitting in the plow truck in the driveway where Fairfield police found him.

Okay, so he didn't realize it wasn't cocaine. Cocaine was after the crash. Guys, cocaine had nothing to us. He did three bumps of heroin, which he thought was cocaine. All right. Are you ready for the toxicology test? Test done on King came back positive for the presence of cocaine. So he wasn't lying.

He was lying. At least he was being truthful. Benzodiazepines. Okay, so he took, he, uh, benzos. Benzos. And cannabinoids. So there's weed in there too. So we think would like cool him down. He was going up and down.

He was all in the place. Should have been right in the middle. This guy's over a stone wall on it. Uh, the crash occurred during Keene's first day on the job. No. Should I come back? So, whoever hired him. Yeah.

You're a terrible. Where am I going tomorrow, Chief? Where do you want me to plow tomorrow? You did not say I could not do cocaine. You got to state that in the rulebook. Or else I'm going to do it, according to the owner of Bollinger landscaping. The warrant said that he told police he'd just hired Keene the day before with the clear instructions to plow and sand two specific driveways on Glenridge Road and not to do cocaine in Benson.

Which never happened. I'm going to get to this right here. What time of the day did this happen? We're going to start with that first. Is it daytime? What time of the day or night? Okay. What do you guess?

I think it's like 9.30 at night. 9.30 p.m. The cops showed up. What do you think? I'm going to say 2 a.m. 2 a.m. Aaron, you want to throw a guess in there? Plow is an early morning job.

So I think it's... Did you learn that on the pit? Father-in-in-in-in-in-back at us. Fargo. Fargo. 5 a.m, you say? Yeah, 5 a.m. All right, Aaron, your logic is right, but your timing is wrong, 7.15 a.

Oh, you were right. He wasn't his first. No, he was probably supposed to get up at 5. He just didn't get there until 7.15. He was supposed to get there to plow the dryways before the people leave for work. Right. No, he actually got up after he did the three bumps of cocaine. Thank you.

Here is my question, and we'll get out on this. When we come back, we'll find out about the Dallops tour the year. You can see them live in March, and we'll tell you about what we have going on. How old is Mark Keene? three bumps cocaine girlfriend's the reason why she crashed four properties 434 feet of damage 23 23 23 31 31 oh god don't be old Aaron don't be like 62 26 get your answers in do Mark Keene 46 year old he is already not that old his world not what the ladies are looking for all right he's taken he's taken first story down in the

as we come back, we are going to find out Dave's going to do a story and we're going to find out about the Dallop Live. It's Dullop People Town, but it's Dullop People Town with the great Dave Anthony. Dan, we miss you. We'll see you back in two weeks, but we'll be right back. I don't miss you. Perfect. Stick around. Make us down.

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See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Actual price will depend on the product and subscription plan. Stick around. Make a sound. Come you're down. East Dump people town. Welcome back to the show. Insane Story.

Dave, your awesome podcast that we listen to. We subscribe to. We love the dollop that you do with Gareth Reynolds. And Gareth is going to do an episode with us for next week's show. You guys are doing it live and you always, you have such a great audience. It's so good. It's so fun live. Where are you going?

You go back to places you've been to anywhere you haven't been. Places you haven't been. Okay. So it starts in March. You got about a month or so to get tickets. March 22nd. Oh, good. We started in Buffalo, which we've never been to Buffalo.

So, fun, Buffalo. Where should you get wings? Gabriel's Gate. So there's going to be, you got to do this and then kind of a couple wings places. Oh, I didn't even think about that. So there's Anchor Bar is the original place. There's anchor bar. There's, there's, uh, Gabrials.

Duff's and Anchor Bar. It's like a huge debate. Gabriel's Gate is kind of the local one. So try all three. they actually better than you'll find Yes, I think so. Gabriel's Gate where the crispiest. Let me ask you, are you a flats guy or are you a drumstick guy?

I kind of like the, I like the, I'm all drumstick. No flat. Yeah, if I could do it, that would be my choice. You can order all drumsticks. You can, yeah. I like, I like going to drumsticks. I think he's going to like Gabriel's game. I think you're going to like Gabriel's game.

But it's, you let us know, but Buffalo's a great place. Where's a what's a venue there, do you know? Just look it up. Look up. Electric City. Nice. Beautiful. Beautiful.

That. Okay, so Buffalo, are you hitting another northeast cities? Syracuse, Boston. Love it. Bridgeport, Connecticut. That was probably a bad choice on the... Just based on tickets. Okay.

New York, New York sold out. New York, where? New York, New York, sold out. Grassy. Gramercy Theater, amazing, Peter, sorry. Any chance you might add more? I don't think so. I don't think we go, because we go day, day, day.

Right, got it. Albany, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C. Great. It's full Northeastern tour. If you're in any of those areas are close by, go see this show live. Can pick up tickets through your website? Yeah, I got a dollarpodcast.com and then don't go. People always Google and they're like, I paid for $190.

Well, you're paying an extra. Go to their website. Go to their website. Dollar. Regular price tickets. It is so much fun. So many laughs like throughout. Like just it's so funny because we've all done stand.

And this is what I love about doing the podcast live. You do podcast live. You do stand up. You know where the laughs are coming because you've crafted this material. You know where the laugh points are going to be. Podcasts you have an idea, but then suddenly you sometimes get on a riff and you're like, oh, my God, this is. Same amount of laughs.

And you get surprised a little bit more in this whole process, certainly by stories that you don't know are coming if Gareth Reed runs in and vice versa. So go check that out, dolloppodcast.com. We got your March plans and beyond. March and April. Yeah. Oh, you got a story here? that Dan got for you?

Okay, you ready? You don't know anything about this. We don't know anything else. We're learning on the fly. Okay. Well, this was sent in by Alvin Cata Bay. Which, by the way, as we say, every Easter, I always love to get the Caterba. I like a nice Cater.

The Cater egg is delicious. It's all new. It's actual real egg. It's not a chocolate. It's egg inside of chocolate. And it's the rawest egg. That's a rye. That's so terrible.

It's a rye. Inside a milk chocolate. You know, for a little while they put out hard-boiled in there, but everyone was just like, It's not. It smells weird. A little too eggy for me. The Cadet Bay Egg. He's up in Portland, that Alvin'Catabay.

I love that. Oh, thank you, buddy. Thank you. Okay, so he sent this in. Headline. Hershey's Chocolate. Feminine pads stolen. Woman arrested in Market Basket Scuffle.

Now, I could have said comma, Hershey's Chocolate, comma, feminine pads. But I said Hershey's chocolate, feminine pads because it sounds like, Hershey's just making feminine pads now. God, that sounds terrible. Out of chocolate. Would melt in between. It's like there's nothing nuggets.

You know what? Give it a shot. Let's see if it works. Try it before you hate it. I hate to say this before you poo poo it. And maybe this is for the fellas. You know what I mean? Hey, there is edible underwear.

I understand. So anyway, so this Hersy chocolate, comma, feminine pads stolen out of someone's cart. Woman arrested in market basket scuffle. So now here's my question for you, because this will enter like a long debate. As your, what is your attitude towards your cart as you're shopping around?

This is like when is a baby, a baby? Like, do you own those things when you put them in? This is fucking the abortion debate right here. I am so, I want to hear your take on this. That's right.

So once you put the first item in, that's Dave's cart. I'm not kidding. Two weeks ago. I'm in this aisle, I'm looking for something, and this dude just grabs my cart and starts pushing it away. And I was just like, bro, we're going to throw hands. Hey, hey, hey, and he looks at me and I go, that's my cart.

And he didn't say anything. He just, like, looked at me and, like, walked away. I'm like, what the fuck was that? No, you owe me an apology. No, that's a violation. To be honest, you didn't all, you didn't buy anything. You don't technically own any of it. Except your time is worth money.

Yes. And if you spent time picking these things out and some of it. Curating your thing, your time's worth money. Time is money. But now that I'm thinking about it, how cool would it be when someone's done with their shopping? You should take their car to save time. So really, but you look around to see who's got some similar shopping habits as you? Who's got what I like?

You know what? I've never tried those crunchy things before. She's looking the other way. Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it. Let's get some card jacking going. Wait, but I do think what's interesting is if we say, so in your mind what you're saying is as as soon as you make the choice of the item and put it in a thing, then... Technically, it's yours.

Yeah. So this is a pro-choice stance when it comes to groceries, but the choice is really like conception. Right. When the items are going into the new and section, that's right. Yeah. So before it's paid for it, he considers it his meal. Once it goes in the card, it's been conceived.

It's hit the moment of conception. I mean, look, some of these packages. Conception at contact. That's right. Conception and basket contact. All right. That's fair. So if someone starts to take your stuff or take something out of your thing.

So I understand like someone takes something out of your thing. That is like that's a straight up. That's trespassing. That's car. That is so long. You know what? In 19 states, you can shoot that person. Stop.

Come on, man. It's an open carry card violation. So that is, it is just crazy. Like, what if you were shopping on Amazon and you put all this stuff in your cart and then someone just reached in and grabbed it out of your car digitally? You digitally grabbed it on my card. I had that in there. I went to cart.

I literally went to cart. And now it's gone. It is like a bit of a, your cart becomes your personal space on some level. It really does. All right. Let's see what happens there. Let's get into this. Okay.

All right. Beaumont, Texas. Okay. So they're all caring. Everybody's strapped. Everybody's strapped. Everybody's strapped. What started as a shoplifting run ended with a robbery charge and a hospital visit.

See? But that's the chance you take when you go shopping. Yeah. In Texas. It's in Texas. You're either going to try brisket that tastes really good or you're going to the clinic. You're going to jail. Beaumont police say Kerry Olts stole two bags of Hershey's chocolate and feminine pads from the market basket on 11th Street near I-10 Tuesday evening.

Okay. So the market basket isn't someone else's basket. That's the name of the store. Well, now it's disappointing. Yeah, I mean, I love that we had that debate, though. Yeah. Okay. The estimated cost of the stolen items, oh, that comes later.

We'll guess it, yeah. Police say when a loss prevention officer tried, and Aaron, you cannot look it up online right now. Don't look it up. Don't look it up. Don't look it up. Police say when a lost prevention officer tried to stop her, things turned ugly outside the store as Altz headed to her. black Lexus sedan Yeah

Okay And you know Alexis And your shoplifting So now it's not about the money It's not about the money It's 2003 Alexis Let's me on

I don't know I know but Alexi Alexis you shouldn't be shoplifting With Alexis But here's the thing It's the thrill What do you think

What is the thrill of the steel What do you think The loss prevention guy said to her How nice was he In terms of like What are we doing ma'am Well if they have

A Lexus You're not going to tackle them like you are if it's a corolla. Right. Cruelah, you're going like full scorched earth on them. But like you're like, you're not able to afford a lawyer. He said, ma'am, is that, ma'am, did you, what do you think he said? Excuse me, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am. It always starts with excusing ma'am. And if she doesn't answer, you get louder on the second. I'm going to need to see what's in your bag. That's a bad question. Yeah. But a great entry point. Right.

Or you're going to be like, I think you have something of ours. Or you go, hey, that's. It's not how you make s'mores. Goes on a gram cracker. Goes on a mini gram cracker, not a maxy pad. Come on. Let's go. According to an arrest report.

Alts pushed the officer outside the store and grabbed him. Oh, see, like, don't lay hands on a guy. Did she think he wasn't a part of the store? Because he's probably playing close. Undercover, playing clothes. Yeah. Or we're back to like cocaine. I got to call my boyfriend.

He's running a snowplow. Where is he? I mean, yeah, I mean, this makes me think she's inebriated. 100%. 100%. You don't just grab, especially if you've bought other things in your bag. But so I think that the feminine product is the goal. And then the chocolate is an impulse grab.

An impulse steal. That's like that. Or the other way around. You shouldn't have it by the register. When I'm shoplifting, you don't want to give me an in-shops. By the register because I will say. That's an impulse lift. It's an impulse lift.

Trader Joe's gets me every time you get those, you know, Scandinavian swimmers. So is there ever a moment where you're like at the self-checkout of a supermarket and you're checking through items? I bet there's a moment where a lot of people are like, If I didn't scan these two things. You would get nailed. You would get nailed.

How do you get nailed? Because it'll go off that it wasn't scanned. Then now they have cameras. Okay, sure. So everything that you... Cameras in the... Oh, yeah. You can't check anything and put it in the bag.

Because a couple times I've tried to move something over before I did that. It just sends off an alarm. Right. I just moved. So it definitely has that. I don't know if they can tell, though, because I think you really... I don't want to try. I'm not going to try, but if you help...

something on the other side of something. And not, don't try it. I'm not telling you what to do. Don't try. I think this woman, not worth it. I think this woman just, do you think she paid for anything? Do you think she just grabbed you? I think she just grabbed it and grabbed it.

She probably forgot her purse or something. It was like, I'll just, I'll get you back. And she was like, I need chocolate. Oh, yeah. And I'm bleeding. Chocolate and I'm bleating. I'll tell you something. If I don't get this chocolate, somebody's going to be bleeding.

It could be me. Let me grab these pads, too. Is that time in the month? Okay. Okay, so she lunges to our manager during the confrontation outside. Yeah. And afterward, this is a quote, afterward, Ulz exited the vehicle and grabbed the asset protection personnel's theft nipple.

Ooh, grabbed his nipple. Grab his nipple. I just, sorry, I need a moment. She's doing a titty twist around the tithe. I was like don't push the guy She went straight Turning the knobs Like how

All of a sudden this became a penthouse forum Just got hot in here All the chocolate melted And he or cats Why Okay so she I get thrown off asset protection It means security guard

What are we doing? Let's be honest Let's got to give him a more inflated type And twisted it causing him to feel pain according to the arrest report. Oh, the cops, yeah, of course the cops. They said, I'm never going to feel well again

after this. Afterward, Altz exited the vehicle. Wait, she's in the vehicle? Oh, they probably stopped her at her car. Yeah, they probably stopped her at her car. But how did she do the... She reached up and a little twisty twist.

Or did I, no. Okay, so... This is not a well-written article. You need to know that most of these articles. I think I skip back. Okay, because police say, force was causing caused bodily injury during the theft sure he got a you got a titty twister yeah you can't if that's if that's if that's part of of a violation is that a

assault my my I'm I'm in juvie starting it like you know is that I'm to say if you're lost prevention at a neighborhood basket or whatever this is that is an occupational hazard you should get ready to have your titty twist back to get titty twisted part of the interview process a lot of a lot of a lot of security will wear like a manseer yeah like a man a metal man's yeah like a man a metal man's a black jacket that's why they have a flat jacket that's why I have a flat jacket yeah you ain't twisted on me I'm vested up can't touch these he's all messed it up um so the shoplifting case was upgraded from theft to robbery a much more serious charge oh yeah oh god dude one titty

twister and now you're in a whole new class that's a salt baby don't grab that nipple It's going to salt with two deadly weapons. He tried to milk him. Do you think he had big, maybe this year to get a big old, this could have been a bigger guy. So they're easy to grab. So he's conscious of that. Maybe he's really sensitive through his nipples.

What would not hurt you hurts me so much more. And I can, I don't have to explain myself. You think we don't feel? We're human beings. Sorry. I saw the picture ever. It's not helping the story for me. Oh, dear God.

Alts was also checked through Beaumont's PD dispatch. Okay. What does that mean? She was like... Police department dispatch took her all the way through. Took her all the time. Okay. And she had two outstanding Jefferson County warrants for her arrest,

of course. To the arrest affidavit. Hey, by the way, if you have those two outstanding warrants, don't do other shit. Definitely want to get in confrontations with people. Definitely swipe. stuff and twist people's teeth. You reel it in.

You reel in the titty twisting. Okay, by the way, had she not titty twisted, those two would have been like, nothing would have happened. Nothing would have happened. You would have been scot-free. Yeah. But you got a titty twist. You got to bump it up.

I mean, if you get called on it and they're there, do you just drop the stuff and run? And then it's a no harm, no-fowliss situation. I think you'd want it to, you could be like, I lost my job. You know. That's a good one. That's a good one. And then people like, oh, God, okay. Take it.

Did I not pay? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I'm back in there. I'm so in my brain. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff at work and you're ready. Pull that off.

Pay and you pay for it and then you're done. Oh my God. Or go for the tip. And then say, and I'm taking this. And then say I mix medications. Well, let's see what her excuse. What is her excuse?

Because she's going to have one. Okay, jail records reviewed by FKDM indicate she had warrants for previous theft offense. Of course she did. She's a serial fever. It's her thing. Thevery. What she does. Thievery Corporation.

After her arrest, Alts complained of chest pain and was taken to Christus St. Elizabeth Hospital by EMS before being booked into jail according to an arrest report. She's like, and once they're like, we'll take you to the hospital. She's like, I'm fine. I'm through. And they're like, no, no, no. We're going to take it to jail.

He said, you go to hospital and we'll take care of you, but you're going to jail. Yeah. Robbery in the state of Texas is a second-degree felony. You can't. Now I'm just like, what do you do? It's chocolate and feminine. Chocolate and feminine fries in one titty twist. Sounds like a good night to me.

Okay, how old do you think she is? All right, let's see a picture. She's going to throw her, show us the picture? Are you sure? Because it might either, it might make it more difficult to understand. Oh, that's hard. Yeah, did it just make it more difficult? Show it to the camera a few minutes.

Show it to the, there she is. I'm going to say she is, like, she's upset. She could be, she could color her hair and be 49. or she could be 32. You know what? You're right. You're right. She could be all over the place.

I think she's, I'm going to go in the middle of that and say 41. God, I'm going to say she's 37. Okay. 30. Other guy? Aaron, what do you think? I was going to say 38. Okay.

38? 40. 40 years old. I'm a one year off. You guys, we were all in the ballpark. We surrounded it. It was a cluster. You guys clustered.

We surrounded her in great skin. She titty twisted us out of there. She's got great skin. The nose is upsetting. And she's just, she's got a natural frown. Just always mad. And she, you know, the other thing about her is she doesn't seem like someone who would steal a bunch of stuff. There is something about her that it's like...

I mean, the chocolate I get. Fine. But she doesn't seem like someone who would be like, I'm going to steal a bunch of stuff all the time. stuff all the time. So she is less assuming. It's like when the most normal person is a CIA agent and you're like, wait, it can't be that. That's a federal marshal. Maybe she was testing, when she's hired to test security. What if she said that? I'm here. I'm from loss prevention. And look, I'm from corporate headquarters. You're trying to do a stress test. I'm so glad this system held up. Yep. Take these. Take these. You did your job. Thank you. You did your job.

I'll make sure to, I'll radio into headquarters. I'll talk to. It just names. I'll talk to Steve Flackhouse and we'll make sure it's... Who? Who? Flackardie. Jerry Stackhouse? Steve Flack. I'll talk to Jerry Stackhouse.

Stackhouse. I'll talk to Marlborough, North Carolina, Tarhill, Jerry Staghert. Listen, I'll talk to Marv Albert and I'll let him know that he's going to. I'll talk to Robert Costas and we'll make sure everything's... I'll talk to Bob. Yeah. Oh, Bob. Get Bob in here.

Now this red eyes cleared up. Bob knows about this. He just was on a red eye. He had one. He had one bad eye during a triple cast. Okay. Magistrate Mark DeRohan said her bond at how much? How much was her bond?

Oh, that's $5,000. Well, it's her third offense. So I think it's going to be a little more. I think it might be like $15,000. Aaron, what do you think? I know you're, he's got someone in there. What do you think? Bond said at how much?

I said $5,000. $75,000. $75,000. Wow. Texas, boys. Texas man. Staying in jail since the trial. She's being made an example of.

Well, this also makes me think that she's an asshole in court. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? She probably twisted the bailiff's tit. You can do that. May I approach the bench? No, you may not. You cannot.

No. My tits can get twisted through this robe. Damn you. All right. Finally, how much was the total cost of the items? I mean, that's what you know. So it's how well do you know how much pads are? I guess it depends on, like the pads are one thing, but then the chalk.

We don't know what kind of chocolate was. A full bag of like Halloween. Hershey's chocolate. Okay. Two bags. Two bags. It's not a bar. I think overall it was probably $18.

I'm going to say $29. Okay. Aaron, how much do you think it was that she stole? 50 bucks. 50. Ooh. This guy gets good chocolate. Or really top show feminine.

Aaron, he got to lower your feminine. Bad standards, brother. 1621. Hey, it's an 18. That was close. All right. There you go.

Story 2. In the books. This makes me think that they should sell feminine pad lucies. Right. You know? Singles. Singles or don't make that an impulse by right by the register.

Stop it. Thank you, Alvin Cadabay. When we come back, I just got a, it's a crazy story about a man and his friend. And that's going to be my third story. I'm so happy Dave Anthony from the great Dallup podcast is joined us to help us to go see them live Go see them live at the end of March. They're coming. I will tell you we have going on right after the break. It's dumb people town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. Come you're down. It's Dump People Town. Hey, gang, welcome back to the show. Hope you're doing well and your break was fine in between those two stories. I've got one more story, but Jay, let them know what we, where they can see us.

Come see us in New Orleans at Sports Drink. It's really one of the coolest new clubs that's popped up in the country. I don't know if you've seen clips of that. comics in front of like all the gatorade, a wall of gatorade. Oh, I did see that. It's so fun. Small rooms, 60 seats, that's it. We're doing February 21st and 22nd. Two shows a night. Saturday and Sunday, we're probably going to sell out those four shows, but get your tickets now if you're in New Orleans.

It's going to be really fun. Is it owned by Gatorade? No. No. It's a comic who runs in Andrew Stevens, who's the coolest dude ever. And the shows are great. They're looking to make a get a bigger venue, but we're going to do it. I can't wait to do that.

And then we may, fingers crossed. get to do more of the alt cast that we did. We did an alt cast like a Manning cast, but for the NHL on December 23rd, we did the Blackhawks Flyers game, and it was just all comedy, super fun. I couldn't do it because of the names. What? It's just too hard to keep the names.

Oh, it's hard. Yeah, we had to learn a lot about people. Oh, no, that was really hard. I mean, I definitely think, like, the hockey of it all. It's the hardest sport to do. But good for us, good news is that Turner does the NCAA tournament, which is a lot easier to do. We know a ton about college basketball.

So we could potentially do a bunch of games during the NCAA tournament. Fingers crossed if that works. And they do baseball, baseball, baseball, and TBS, which is so much fun. So fingers crossed, it goes well, and we can do a bunch of those. And we're finishing up writing on the Kevin Hart, Keenan Thompson, so good sports, which we're very proud of, fun to do that. Just go to supersclard.com or follow us on punchup.com. Yeah, that's a cool spot.

That lets you know what we're going to be live. All right, let's do this. You ready? Okay, this one was sent in by Little Andy Greenberg, our friend at Andy the here we go. This is the headline, and it's a simple one, it's a short one.

Man turns himself in, so he's got a conscience, after murdering imaginary friend. That took a turn. Right? Murder. Here we go. I mean, what is your imaginary friend

that's saying? What did he do? What did he do to you? You know what? I'm tired of this shit. A man turned himself into the police. Stop hanging around, man. Get away.

Enough, forget it. Turn himself into the police and demanded they gave him the death penalty. He's telling them, you give me the death penalty. Give me the chair for this. What if they said we're going to give you the imaginary death penalty? I hope the imaginary friend pops up at the end and goes, I was kidding. Guys, I'm fine. There he is.

I didn't even drink the whatever he gave me. Right. Demanded the death penalty after he admitted murdering his imaginary friend named Mr. Happy. Fuck. I mean, I get that, though. Also, like a super happy guy around you all the time. I guess, but if you're still not on a first name basis with your imaginary friend, you call him Mr. How close to a friend is?

I told you, it's Bob, Bob happy. He's more like an imaginary acquaintance. If we're being honest about who he is. Seen here, and again, his last name is going to be like, now I know why you got to make imaginary friends in tears. Jeff, G-E-O-F, Gay Lord, and we'll get his head. from Florida told officers he stabbed Mr. Happy to death with a knife, cut up the body with a hatchet, and burn the victim in his backyard. Holy shit.

Well, for now I'm wondering, Mr. Happy is actually a real person. He killed happiness. That's right. He did kill happiness for himself. He looks really upset about it. He really feels bad. He looks like Robert Smith just said, you can no longer be in the band The Cure. Jacksonville officers.

It's a cure. man called the disease. Right, exactly. Jacksonville officers took a drunk gaylord into custody and obtained. This drunk galore? This drunk galer over here and obtained a search warrant for his house. Yeah, you started hearing this stuff like that. You're going to be like, let's search his.

You have to because if a guy had missed to killing something, you could be like, okay, so it could be a fake person to kill or it could be a real guy. When the details are really specific, also, you're like, either this happened. or this is going to happen and we know i think we might all jump on his side when you hear this next piece of information gay lord said one of the reasons he killed mr happy was because he was messy now i listen if you're gonna create a mess yeah you're living on the edge at that point aren't sometimes happiness isn't doesn't like coincide with cleanliness or orderly and he wasn't invited he's just an invisible friend so he just came on his own he also told officers quote his room was a mess

all the time with his toys and dolls. Thank you. Dolls. Now I'm a little bit like... Well, let's just say he's not a young man. I'm starting to get on Gaylord's side here. He quote, also he left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen. Did he leave them?

Yeah. Did he leave them there? Never picked up his... Never picked up his empty cocaine baggies. Now hang on a second. Now talk about throwing someone under the snowplow. This is a shitty roommate. And left the toilet seat down when he...

he peed. This guy, come on. Now, all of it was excusable till that. Okay, so what we have here is a raging alcoholic who keeps coming out of Benners and going, Who the fuck did this? He messed up my apartment to the point where I just couldn't get it clean. By he, I mean me. Quote, before HAP started doing drugs.

Hap started doing drugs and acting weird, he was my BFF.F. And then in parentheses, the article said, best friends forever. Oh, that's what that means. Thank you. So, that's so, he's had this imaginary friends since he was a kid. But at some point, he's like, then haps just, man, after college, haps just turned. He changed, man. He went off the rails and he started doing rails.

All right. We'd go dancing, play on the children's park equipment. Not good. No, no, no, no, no. Both huge friends of Doom Metal. That's good to know. Listen to it for hours. That checks out.

Listen to her for hours that the lights turned off. It's surprising that you don't have a girlfriend. That's the best way to listen to it. Doom metal, lights out. Reports Inquisitor. How do you like your doom metal? In the sun at the beach. The corona.

No one will ever say that. Who do you listen to your doom metal with? Mr. Happy. That doesn't sound right. I named you ironically. Deal with it. Right. Plus, police found a drug paraphernalia

and a machine gun at Gaylord's home. Oh, boy. And he was charged with multiple offenses. Wait, hold on. A machine gun. It's like a really legitimate. It's like very big. That's not like an AR-15.

A machine gun. A machine gun is like war quality. So we're going to get out of here on this. If we can throw the picture back up, Aaron. How old? We can throw that back up. But if we can, let's throw it back up. Oh, is Mr. Happy's best friend.

How old is the imaginary friend, Mr. Happy's best friend? And this is Jeff, G-E-O-S-E-E-E-O-F. F. Gailord. I'll show you the picture right here. Shouldn't that not? It should not be illegal to spell Jeff that way. Yes, because it's Gio off. It's Gio off. So how old is Gioff? Well, first of all, he's done hard living. Yeah, he's definitely done some of them. So he's put some years on. There he's not that old. What do you think? I'm going to say 31. Okay. 31. Jay, what do you think? I'm just say 39. Okay. Aaron, do you venture to guess or did you see what it was? 50. 50. Okay. Wow. Get your answers in townies. Again, dollop podcast. Is it the dollop podcast? The dollop podcast.com to get your tickets to go see him live.

If you're on the eastern seaboard, this is where you want to north east. You'll thank us a million times over. Do it and then thank us. I want the thanks more than I want you to go see a show. I want the thanks. All right. Bring your imaginary friends, but buy a ticket for them. You ready?

You get half full, half son arenas. Everybody with their imaginary friends does like. But every seat was sold. Don't understand. What happened? We had less people, but we made the same amount of money. All right. They said it was sold out for the job and then come, you know, see us.

Come see us. We love you. Jeff Gaylord, who claimed he murdered his imaginary friend, demanded to have the death penalty. The imaginary death penalty leveled on him was. You said 31, you said 39. And Aaron said 50. Jeff Gaylord is 37 years old. You were right, though.

He's definitely hard living, as they say. Hard living. Well, that is a very fun, very special episode. Very proud of you, Daniel Van Kirk. He'll tell you all about it when he gets back. I'm just going to say, Dave Anthony, thank you for feeling you. Thank you for having. You did a fantastic job.

We love you. Love your podcast. And, oh, snap, we've got to get back to work.