Dumb People Town - Dave Attell, Ted Leo, and Chloe Troast - Live from the Bell House

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

Live from the Bell House in Brooklyn, Dave Attell, Ted Leo, and Chloe Troast join Jason, Randy, and Daniel on stage to review some Florida men, Jason describes a couple that may have another baby so that the husband can enjoy his wife's breastmilk, Randy explains how two women took their dead boyfriend to the bank to withdraw money, and Daniel lists the things that got stuck in peoples' holes last year. Ted Leo also plays some songs! Recorded on 8/9/24.

You guys can sing it. Oh, that was so good. How about one more time for Ted Leo, everybody. Thank you. Great job, sir. Thank you. First of all, job, sir. Thank you. First of all, can we just talk about how Dan, Jay, and I are all dressed?

All right, so, great for a podcast. Three different catalogs. Yeah. Dan, you look like you know like eight Russian words. Not that I have. My friend, I do, I do. Dan, you look like you know the promoter. Of what?

I get you into the club. Of everything. I used to work here. You look like you can the promoter. Of what? I get you into the club. Of everything. I used to work here. You look like you can't wait to talk about your cruise. Guys, it was all inclusive. I look like a Cuban waiter at a Mexican restaurant that also has magic. You look legally separated. Jason looks like a magic eye painting. Jason looks, Jason, Dan, you said it backstage, looks like a substitute art teacher. Guys! I'm

not full-time yet. Do not touch the clay. No, I feel like I look like an African American studies professor at a college that won't hire a black teacher. You look like you work at a restaurant that only sells appetizers. I look like someone who wants to talk to you a lot about jazz. Or when he used to do coke. Can I, can I give you- It was safer back when I did it. Can I give you the title of the,

the name of the restaurant that just serves appetizers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apatapas. Perfect. We're open late, guys. Apatapas. By the way, Apatapas could also be the name of his favorite jazz band.

I got a name for it, There's an app for that. All right. It works. It works. Here we are. We're in Town People Town. Thank you, Ted Leo. Oh my God. For coming out and rocking out. My pleasure.

He's going to be doing songs all night. And we have amazing guests on this show. This is New York City. This is Brooklyn adjacent New York. So tell them about the guests, Rand. We have fantastic guests. We're going to bring them up both right now. She is on SNL currently and doing a fantastic job.

We got a chance to hang out with her in Moon Tower. Just brilliant, funny, and so fun to hang out with. And he's just a legend in comedy, one of our favorites who we grew up with here in New York City when we were doing it. And his last special on Netflix is one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. Ever.

Chloe Trost and Dave Attell. Let's go! and his last special on Netflix is one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. Ever. Ever. Chloe Trost and Dave Attell. Let's go! Yes. Yes. The warm fuzzy that is Dave Attell. You know how hard it is Dave Attell. You know how hard it is? Thank you.

You know how hard it is to get Dave Attell into Brooklyn? It's very hard, right? It's not very hard. I live in that RV right across the street. Did you see me milking it before I sat down on the folding chair? You guys went all out on this. We really did. We really did.

We put it in a semi-circle. This feels like an assembly hall meeting and someone's got a grievance. And I'm the student. You brought all the energy of a GoFundMe. I love it. Well we start out whenever we do a live show, and as we've got to do here so many times at the Bell House, we start out by playing a little dumb people town game called Florida Man Birthday.

And what that is is we take your birth date as it was given to us on the internet. And we say what a Florida man did on not your year. We don't give a shit about year, just the same month and day. Chloe, please interject. Okay? This is kind of crazy? I just found this out like maybe a couple weeks ago because someone maybe my mom sent it to me Where did you get my birthday off of what site? birthdays calm Google calm Is it wrong is this could be an issue. It's a day off. Really?

In print on Wikipedia. No refunds everybody. Yeah, sorry. Don't ask that. Sorry. Suckers. Well, first up we have Ted Leo and I have your birthday as September 11th. A little day we like to call.

Never forget his birthday. All right, his birthday. A day that Florida was like, not us, now forget us. We didn't do it. I mean, I will say this, the great comic Morgan Murphy after September 11th happened said to the two of us, did that affect you more than other people because you're twins? Great one. It's a great one. We were like, yes, and if we're being honest on September 12th, Jay and I both said, oh my god, are we next? We could be next. And I have told Morgan personally, well, when one of them goes down, it's really going to be iffy to see what happens to the other. Okay, here's something that did happen. Did anything?

Not 23 years ago. Okay, okay. Florida woman calls 911 after she sees an alligator in her garage, turns out to be pool floaty. In her defense, in Florida, if it might be an alligator, just call. By the way, there's an, I don't know if you've spent time doing comedy in Florida, Dave, have you been down there?

Yeah, I have. Okay, any body of water, a glass of water, anything can have an alligator in it. What do the cops do about the alligator? Shoot it? They came in and shot it on set. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then they're like, we tried to talk to it.

It looked at me. He's sleeping. It was holding a pool floating. Yeah, yeah, and then they're like we tried to talk to it It looked at me it was holding a pool floaty yeah exactly Here's the little blurb a distressed couple in Florida called nine one one after spotting an alligator in the garage when the police officer Arrived for their help what he discovered left him relieved and smiling it turns out the alligator was an actual pool floaty The police officer posed with the floaty to get himself photographed. The incident happened in Polk County, Florida. And then he shot the woman. So that... Okay, Chloe. Hang on, Dave had something you were about to say.

No, I was just looking at the clock. All right, so anyway. Sorry. Fair, it's fair. Let me see if I got the game again. It's something about alligators and your birthday. Yes. It's something about alligators and your birthday. Yes. It's called Alligator Birthday Time.

Okay, so are we supposed to say which story is real or? No, no, no. That happened. No, it's not a game. It actually happened. All right, so let's go to Chloe's. Chloe. Oh, you were just wetting our beaks.

Yes, that's right. Just getting a little taste, a little taste as it were. And whose birthday is it again? It was Ted's. No, no, no, no, no. But it's not his today Okay, I'll be I'll be in my van Figure this out and give me welcome. This is just a run-through I was gonna say welcome back to this episode of we explain shit today. Yes

Chloe okay, it says your birthday is May 14th No, not true Is it on the 13th? It's on the 13th. Well this was reported on the 14th and happened on the 13th so technically I think it's a win. Let's go! Let's go news cycle! Let's go! Florida man reportedly tells cops he thought playing basketball naked would quote enhance his skill level. I get that. I get that. That's your guy. What? I think that was me. I thought it was you or Dennis Rodman.

I feel like he could have been the other one. Jordan Anderson, a Florida resident, was arrested Sunday after police allegedly found him shooting hoops in the nude at an Orlando area park. Jordan stated he was working on his basketball skills and he feels playing naked enhances his skill level definitely makes no one want to defend him that's how the French pole vaulter tree that's right that's crazy yeah what is his what is the pole vaulter with the huge dong a huge yeah yeah you guys all

see that but heartbreaking heartbreaking and a flex. Yeah Best way to lose a race ever This was obtained by the smoking gun investigators said they asked Anderson to put his clothes back on and he complied They charged him with indecent exposure, which is a misdemeanor transported him on bond set at $500 just for fun How old do you think a guy in Florida is that wants to play basketball naked? I mean, I want to say 68. I'm going to say 32. 23, 32? I mean, if you're, I don't know. Yeah, I guess, what did you say?

48. That's what I thought too. That guy lost his family. 48 years old, they're not coming back. That's right. He is 29 years old. There you go. That's close.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back. All right he is 29 years old all right last one and then which one of you guys has the first story I do Jason does okay you guys have a lot of stuff prepared I know I'm gonna rename the canal do here the go on us David tell the internet says your birthday is January 18th. Yeah and say the date. Great. Right. 1965. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah before the internet I don't know where you got that. Maybe it was written on a rock or something. No this was more recent. I think this was like 2012. Florida man arrested for DUI after mistaking bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. Dead now. According to the Hernando County Sheriff's Office the manager of a Bank of UI after mistaking bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. That now, okay? According to the Hernando County Sheriff's Office,

the manager of a Bank of America called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank's drive-thru. The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for some time, that's like, sir, wake up. He. Sir, wake up. Sir. Yeah. He was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito. And two chalupas.

He might have had one. He might have had one. No. He could have brought one from home. Can I just say how lame my story is compared to all the alligator other stories? That's the best story you have for my birthday. There is a part of your story that we haven't got to that I love. Oh, okay.

Hold on. He asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed it was not a Taco Bell. When deputies arrived, they found the man in his blue sedan in the parking lot. He didn't drive away. Wow. He literally thought they said, can you just pull over there while we prepare your burrito? I think one of your restaurants has to be

a pneumatic tube delivery burrito. Yeah. That would be great. That'd be so good. Clapatizers, your club. Clapatizers? Yeah, your Appetizer Comedy Club. Clapatizers.

Appetizer only comedy club is fantastic. Yeah, Clappatizers. I own it. Because you clap at jokes? You know when people fall into the clap trap? Dave is all laughs. You don't inspire people to clap. Because you never...

That's so not true. It's up and down all the time. When the deputies find him in the blue sedan, Douglas Francisco. That's a true. It's up and down all the time. When the deputies find him in the blue sedan, Douglas Francisco. Okay. That's a great name. That's a great name. He was still in the driver's seat with the car running. The bank manager confirmed that it was him.

Douglas Francisco is 28 years old. There you go. I can see it, but there's your guy. There he is. I wanted him to make like a $2,000 deposit at a Taco Bell. That's right. That's right. Just get him. River makes that. Here you go. That's just not, just get him excited.

Here you go. All right, is that it, Daniel? Yes, let's just do story one. That's our Florida man birthday. Give it up for Danny. Here we go. I'm so excited, Jason. I'm very excited.

Story number one, this came in from Carleen McDermid. At? She be Carleen. She sends a lot of stories. Dynamite dumb boots on the ground. Okay, here's the headline. Mom of three who used to breastfeed her husband, I'll leave it there,

revealed, wait, wait, wait, Dave is listening. You said mother of three who used to breastfeed her husband reveals she's considering having a fourth baby so they can do it again. Alright. So the baby is causing her to make milk and then the husband... Dave, writing notes or doing like... No, everybody has like some paper I just want to be part of. It's good. It's not wrong. I just want to see if I can read one of Dave's too.

So wait. This is stuff I'm going to buy off for Amazon. Okay, go. I hope it's not a breast pump. All right, here we go. A Florida woman who made headlines for breastfeeding her husband has revealed the pair is considering having another baby so she can start lactating again. That's right.

Rachel Bailey, and I'm not going to tell you her age, and her spouse Alexander said they have grieved their bonding experience breastfeeding since her body stopped producing milk in the past year. So, I mean, that makes sense to bring a child into the world just for worse reasons. As a parent, I'm like, that's a good idea. What better reason to have a child than to fulfill your own sexual fantasies?

For two years. I mean, it came from sex, it goes to sex. Also, two years? They're breastfeeding that kid until at least six. Did the husband wean every time? What did you say? Did he wean off of the breast every time? They go through the whole process. I would love it if in like a table conversation at a dinner party she says,

my husband is now on formula. That's why he's gotten bigger. He's really. But there was a huge thing about breast milk, like bodybuilder dudes buying breast milk off the black market. Wow. Really? Why is it always going to be the black market? Listen to birthdays.

How do you, at what point in a relationship does that kink come up? That's right. But that they both were cool with it makes me love them as a couple. He probably was like can I have a sip and just waited for it to be a divorce. And then she was like, yeah, come on in. And then it's like, oh my God, I found my person. Can I ask a dumb question? If he kept feeding, wouldn't she keep producing? Yes, that's true. Yeah. Yes!

That's such a good fucking question. From the one man who's not married. So do you think they, at some point they were point they were like I'm not really into it either And then they refound their love of breast milk again. Well, so let me tell the story Daniel. Let me know. Let's hear it again Let's hear it. Okay. I was in so much pain. This is how it started and I was scared about getting infection Oh, this is okay. They're considering having a child. Sorry, I jumped ahead. Uh, considering having a fourth child so they can keep up the habit, which started in 2016, Ms Bailey forgot her breast pump on a couple's.

Do you think he was like, he was like, look, I know it's crazy, but if Trump wins, how about we try it? What if, what if. That is such an elaborate story. Yeah. Like, I just can't believe that. I mean, who came up with that story? RFK Jr.? It's because she was breastfeeding and we had to go on a couple screws.

Couple screws, yeah, couple screws. And because we had to go on the couple screws, somebody had to suck it. There's no way that that's the story. We could talk about this all night. I think the best thing to do is just bring them out come on Come on get some more folding chairs up here Don't really comes out latched Who needs monitors? I don't need to hear what I hear what were he's like in a baby Bjorn facing her She's carrying guys. They were on a couple cruise, the couple's cruise. They hit a bear, and then they picked up the bear and put it in the trunk. I have a dumb question, too.

You guys are very happily married. Have you guys ever been on a couple's cruise? No, never been on a couple's cruise. You never have, huh? Never. Have you been on a couple's cruise? Yes. I've not been on a couple's cruise.

Okay. Has anybody here been on a couple's cruise? Just the... No. Yes? No, you're just taking... Just the 311 cruise. That's it. couple's okay has anybody here been on a couple's cruise just the no yes no you're just taking just just the 311 cruise that's it that's the only one amber alert have you ever done comment have you ever I've never done comedy on a cruise nor have dying to do it right wouldn't that be great about a year away I think from doing it wait for a brief second there was two

conversations happening on the podcast. That was awesome. It was this side of this. I've never been on... I'm sorry. What was happening over here because I missed it? Oh, Ted had a great joke about... No, I just had a... Oh, sorry.

Go ahead. I was just wondering if both of them are vegan. Is that vegan? Yeah. To drink the breast milk? Breast milk is vegan? Is breast milk vegan? The most authoritative yes came out of the audience.

The audience was like, yes, she is producing almond milk. Yeah. Did it say that they were vegan? It did not, but I want them to be. If she's vegan, I guess it would be, right? But she's an animal that produces it. Look, one time I was at a strip club. Oh, God.

This is true. Uh-huh. In Las Vegas, and the dancer was doing her dance. And she was like, do you like my breasts? And I was like, rhetorical. They're out. And then she goes, do you want me to squeeze them? And I said, knock yourself out. If it makes you happy.

Right. It can't be that bad. But it was she then grabbed her nipples and in a in a like right to left motion Sprayed my entire face and breast milk she Jackson Pollock your face Yeah, and I have been addicted to that rush Worth every penny Worth every penny and he did pay her in pennies. Pennies.

So now this story, this isn't a TikTok challenge or anything. No, no, no. Not yet. I'm glad that you know about that. No, I'm trying to milk this story. So what else? Oh! Guys, that's a show.

Thank you so much. How tall was he? How tall was he? How tall was he? Was he wearing shoes? Did the guy have shoes on? We're going to find out. The sweetest plum here so far, this guy was born on 9-11. And he looks it.

And you know, when's the last time you had a good birthday? That's what I want to know. That's right. Every year. What if he said, ironically, 2002? Yeah. I get a lot of sympathy. I get a lot of happy birthdays. I get a lot of sympathy.

It was a blast. Your invitations were like, are we ready to party again? Yeah. Come on, for little lovey. I'm feeling who's with me, a lot of Ted's invitations are who's with me. Who's with me? Sorry.

Or when's my birthday? The Friday after next Friday. Oh, it's my birthday. Let's roll is what they said. Let's fly. Come on, Daniel. All right. So breastfeeding.

OK, so she forgot the breast pump, probably blamed her husband for that, and then that led to her breast becoming painfully engorged. I was in so much pain, I was so scared about getting an infection, so we decided that my husband was gonna try drinking the milk to relieve me.

That is a way to- She said, my husband and the captain. Any story that starts out with what happened was is bullshit. Bullshit. It's a lie. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it tastes sweet.

It tastes fucking sweet. You'd think on a couples cruise, if you kind of send a memo out, like anybody bring their breast pumps. That's right. There would have been one. Someone would have her breast pumps. Wait, I got claps for that? Yes.

Dude, yes. That's one email. One email to the ship, and you get like eight breast pumps. That's right. This woman was wanting to forget it and wanting him to try, and he tried. We were nervous about the idea of him breastfeeding for me, as we thought it seemed weird. No! But as soon as we did it, we realized it was perfectly fine.

That's right. Same. Same. Go ahead. we realized it was perfectly fine. That's right. Same. Same. Go ahead. You got it. Go ahead. Can we take a moment to think of this child grown up in the name of his dispensary? I mean... Ha ha ha!

My question is, did they have to do it in line at the buffet? That... may have been inappropriate. That felt a little inappropriate. All right. The couple continued the practice. Oh, my God, there's more to this story. That felt a little inappropriate. All right. The couple continued the practice. Oh my god, there's more to this story. Oh, there's more.

Holy shit. Come on. It's two pages, David. There's so many pages. After the births of their two younger children, with Miss Bailey breastfeeding her husband at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Wow.

Come on. This is how he ate. This is how he got his nutrients. Hey, do what you love. You'll never eat a day in your life. That's right. And the baby at home is like dying of malnutrition. Exactly.

Like, they didn't think that maybe the baby at home would want something. No, the baby's reaching, reaching up. And they're like, in a minute, in a minute. They're on a couple's cruise. You know, this story, even, I know we're only halfway there now, but this story has divided the crowd.

It has. This side, they can't wait for the next tidbit. But over here, it's like, I think I should have taken a Claritin or something. There's something musky in the room. I don't know what it is. Once her supply dwindled, they switched to nightly feedings. Mr. Bailey claims that because her milk is so nutritious, it kept Alexander from getting a cold

for more than two years and left his skin glowing. Oh, okay. That's hilarious. That's so perfect since they don't have insurance. That's right. No. Not anymore. Not anymore.

He ended up loving the taste of my breast milk and even prefers it to cow's milk now, she said. Wow. Okay. How perfect. Everything's working out so perfectly. I know. What a happy accident.

They happen to be on a cruise and he actually loves it. He loves it. He loves it. Wow. The odds of this. Though they briefly considered growing their family to keep the breastfeeding, the Bailey's ultimately decided against it.

Okay. We grieve that bonding experience we shared, we even spoke about having one more baby so we could do it again. However, we realized that was drastic action to take and a lot of work. Oh really? Oh my god. You just figured out they're raising a fucking human being? Your fourth? The reason they have to tell their kid why they had them like so much later after the other kids Was I an accident you were more on purpose than anything Your father couldn't quit me

Instead they now get up at 5 a.m. Each morning to catch up and meditate before getting on with the rest of their day. Oh, nice. That's actually worse than breastfeeding. That's great. Just suck a tit. Poor shameful.

Do we, okay, do we bring another person into the world and bring that expense onto the universe, someone who we can't take care of and love, or should we meditate? That's right. I don't know! What would you think would be crazier to see on a cruise? People, a guy giving his wife, or a woman giving her husband

breast milk, or two people meditating at the buffet? Yeah. Are we Carnival? We're Carnival Cruise. Carnival Cruise, it's like, why aren't we all sucking tit? That's right. This is where I think they're lying. It was never.

This is where? This is it.. It was never... This is where... What? Jason, have you read the story you're reading? No. Clearly I haven't as I'm having trouble reading. It was never a sexual thing for us. Get the fuck out of here. No way.

It wasn't. Me either, me either, me either. We did it because it was an amazing way for us to bond and share something special as a couple. We really missed the best... I love that someone out there said, oh gross. Yeah. No bonding.

We really miss the breastfeeding times that we share, but we have found new ways to connect. Before we get out of here on story number one, I'm gonna ask you, how old? How old? 23, did you say? 23? They had like five kids.

Five kids. They had three kids already, right? Someone said 23, they're not on a fucking rum spring. I know. What is? One year separates them, so if you guess, pick the middle year of these two people. 41, 43, what do you think Ted?

37. 37, 37. Daniel? I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go 33. 30, the year that Jesus died. Okay continue. More Scotty Pippen. Allegedly.

41. 41? What do you think Dave? I'm thinking this is what they would call a false op. A false what? There was no breastfeeding. They were brother and sister. And this is the way I'm seeing it. I know. I'm reading through the story here now. They were breastfeeding. They were brother and sister. And, um...

This is great. This is the way I'm seeing it. I'm reading through the story here now. I don't know what their age is. Their regular age or their sea age. One. One. Okay. I think they're 52. What the fuck?

Wow. 52, 51. I don't even know if that's possible. Puberty. All right, I'm going to give you their age. No one got it. Some people shouted closely. Rachel Bailey, 31, and her spouse, Alexander, 30 years old.

There you go, 32 years old. They should know better. That's wild. There you go, story number one. That's story number one, you guys. How about it? Not bad. Oh, Ted.

It's all right to have the wrong age. Ted's going. There you go, story number one. That's story number one, you guys. How about it? Not bad. Oh, Ted, it's all right to have the wrong age. Ooh, Ted's going to do a little song? Ted's going to do a little song, and then we'll come back with story number two. How about that, you guys? I love it.

I love it. We didn't stay. No, you stayed. This is not about this, but the kind of narrative that the narrative touched the touchstone the on the entree into the narrative is a horrible kind of booze that they it's made in England but it's mostly drunk in like Northern Ireland and Scotland it's called Buckfast fortified tonic wine and lots of crime happens on it it's perfect for dumb people town and it if I if it sounds enticing so far then let me just tell you that it tastes like

If like a they made original for loco, but like raisin flavored, so Just stay away from it Nine years down the road and I remember it still Standing on a corner back in Govan Hill Nine days out from home feeling old pain A northern city sun breaking through the rain that warmthless sun barely shining on me and you and a bottle of Bucky, me and you and a bottle of Bucky the nine years come and gone since I left you at home and this restless soul of mine let me start in the room first time I stood by the banks of the cloud I was so glad to have you standing back by my side So proud of what we were doing Oh me and you and a bottle of Bucky

Me and you and a bottle of Bucky Me and you and a bottle of Bucky Me and you in a bottle of Bucky Me and you in a bottle of Bucky Well I knew by the dew in your starry eyes was a day we bothered to study for all of our lives with the bold missionaries. Junits crusade, no fear pioneers, we were on our way and there never were nothing that could get in our way. ["Jersey Boys"] ["Jersey Boys"] Then the neds with their knuckles and their burberry scarves,

they said, how'd you Jersey boys ever make it this and their Burberry scarves, they said, How'd you Jersey boys ever make it this far? But you jumped in between and said, Listen, my son, You don't know nothing about where we're from, You don't know nothing about why it's now me and you and a bottle of Bucky. Me and you and a bottle of Bucky. Me and you and a bottle of Bucky. Me and you in a bottle of Bucky.

Me and you in a bottle of Bucky. Hey! Three times I've been back in my wandering ways last time it was July during marching days when someone said you run from the bitter parade but I knew what you were doing I decided to stay knew no one ever got the better of me Thank you. Ted Leo! So, we're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break.

We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break.

We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break.

We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. We're going to have a little bit of a break. Thank you. Ted Leo! So good. Ted, you're going out on tour, is that correct? Just for the podcast audience? You got Chicago, Minneapolis? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not in a position to tour like I used to for a number of reasons. But we did a week in the Northeast in June and then we're hitting the rest of the country in like a series of long weekends for the rest of the year. Amazing. So Pacific Northwest at the end of August, Midwest in September, Southeast in Chicago in a Chicago October. Chicago October. And San Francisco in LA in November.

Yeah, there you go. For those listening. And some of these shows have already sold out. Chicago in LA in November. Yeah, baby. There you go. For those listening. And some of these shows have already sold out. So if you're hearing this now or when this drops, you better go get your fucking tickets right away. Get your tickets.

Chicago's already sold out, right? The Metro? Chicago's sold out. Chloe, how are you doing, by the way? Dave's back. Are you good? Great. Yeah?

I was loving being behind the music. Right? Oh, it's so cool to watch music. There's an element of needing to perform as well. Yes. Which I enjoy. You did a good job. I feel good about that. I had to run back in.

Hi Dave, how was the cigarette? I had to run back in when I heard it's time to plug some dates. Yes, Dave. Yes, Dave. If someone's saying that anywhere, Dave will take an Uber to that place and just start plugging dates.

Dave. I was just curious Ted, do you, when you roll on the road, do you have a full band with you or are you just? Yeah, I play solo and with a band, but right now I'm touring with my band, yeah. Okay, cool. Thank you.

They're so good, they rock very hard. It's so fun to watch them. For our listeners in any of those cities, please go see them. David, where are you gonna be? What's your people catch you next? First of all, your special, dude, is so fucking good. Oh, well thank you for bringing it up,. Thank you Dan. I got to drop into

Comedy Unstated in Madison before you dropped it, like leading up to it and I just watched you fucking destroy. I was so excited for it to drop. So great. It's awesome. Guys I did a special on, and you're probably wondering what doors have opened for me since the launch of this special. Let us know. Well, this, of course. Of course. Happy to do it.

Number one. Have to audition. That's right. It's working. Well, I hate to brag. I did like the tasteful nudes you sent us over the internet ahead of time. That was nice.

That was the close the deal as they say. I hate to brag, but you were looking at the new face of Meals on Wheels, so thank you. Yeah! Thank you. That was a big search. That was a big search. That's a huge flex. I'll be at the Brigada in Atlantic City next weekend.

Yes. And what else can I tell you? I might hit a Taco Bell. How about that? Remember that story? And it might be a Bank of America. All right. Shall I jump into story number two? I think you should. Let's do it. We're all back here. Okay, I hesitate to read the headline because it kind of says it all. Sent in by Professor Demerita at Anne McCarthy. I'm gonna read the headline anyway just because this is a nutso story that we will discuss. Real life weekend at Bernie's.

Dave's intrigue. Exactly. Interest peaked. Ohio women take dead friend on bank run. No. Guys, don't get squeamish on me now. Here we go. Here we go.

In a case that bears more than a passing resemblance to the plot of the 1989 film, Weekend at Bernie's. Thank you for specifying the date, by the way. Yeah, that's right. The article is a 1989 film. Well, the 87 one. Now, you're much younger than us, so do you know Weekend at Bernie's? Are you familiar with this concept?

Yeah, I think I've seen clips of it on TikTok. What is in your mind? That's how we watch movies today. Don't blame her for being young. Blame you for being old. That's right. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Watch clips of it on YouTube shorts. It is closer. It is closer. Well, I'll get into it and you shorts. Oh. Oh. It is closer. It is closer. Well, I'll get into it and you'll all get into it. Two Ohio women have been accused of driving a dead man's body to a bank to withdraw money from his account. Okay.

That's like low-key smart though. That is low-key smart. That is high-key smart. Sisters doing it for themselves, all right? Karen Casbom. He wanted us to. Wait, say that name? Karen, Karen Casbombe. He wanted us to. Wait. Say that name. Karen.

Karen Casbombe and Lauren Bae B. Bovert. It's Bovert. Or is it? Lauren. No, excuse me. Laureen B. Farrello. Wait, these names are insane.

These names are like, if you told a six-year-old, give me some names. Yeah. Laureen B. Farrellow. You're in an Improv 101 grad show right now. Dr. Laureen B. Farrellow. Professor Casbone. They were charged Tuesday in Ashtabula.

Have you ever done a show in Ashtabula, Dave? I'm going to have to sit this story out. I believe this one. You don't believe it? I'm afraid this might be cultural. Am I right, Brooklyn? Come on. That's right. All right, I'm accorded to a protest.

In Ashtabula. With, among other things, gross abuse of a corpse. Although I don't know if I grew at that charge. Is it gross? You can't abuse a dead person. Police say they received a call. What if right before he died he was like, you know what I think'd be funny? What's that?

Yeah, it's part of the will. After I die, no, that's right, read the will. You got a chance to do the funniest thing. Now look, some people are gonna hate you for it, but we're gonna think it's awesome. Where, where is he saying, what does he say as you go? He's not saying, to the bank. They received a call on Monday

that two anonymous women had dropped off a body at a hospital. Later, one of the women contacted the hospital, the Ashibula County Medical Center, with information on the deceased, identified as Douglas Layman. To put this in Layman's terms. At Scar Brothers.

Officers went to his house where they spoke to Casbombe and Farrello. Casbombe and Farrello are the new Rizzoli and Isles. We know that. We know that to be true. Give them a show, let them fight crime. No one's gonna make a rock the Casbombe joke, nobody? Karen don't like it.

Thank you, That was great. Jason, that was fucking good. That got less than it deserved, and I'm fine with it. No, that was good. I'm fine with it. That was good. Karen, Loreen don't like it.

It should have said Loreen. It should have said Loreen J. I don't care. Your heart was in the right place. All right, they told police they had found him there dead earlier in the day. Then the police allege, with the help of an unnamed person, Your heart was in the right place. All right, they told police they had found him there dead earlier in the day. Then the police allege, with the help of an unnamed person,

I'm sure a six-year-old could come up with that name. Sure, yeah, yeah. No, that was their name. Unnamed person. Unnamed person. They put Layman's body in the front seat of his car. Do you think they put a seatbelt on? No, but I guarantee he had a hat.

It just feels right. And sunglasses, and drove him to the bank with the drive-through window, where they took out an undisclosed amount of money from his account. Now, he's sitting in the front seat. Do you think they were like, he's here, and pick up the hand and let him in?

Yeah, you have to. Wow. No, they have his arms strapped here, and Laureen is like, with her arms in the front being like I'd love my money Lame's body was placed in the vehicle in such a manner where he'd be visible to bank staff in order to make the withdrawal He said Robert she police chief Robert Stel Every police officer's name is exactly what it should be. Sat in the news, released on Tuesday, Stel said the bank had allowed this previously as long as they were accompanied by him.

So they've been pulling out money and just bringing it to the bank. Oh, so they did this a lot when he was alive. Sure. Hey, let's run it back. One of the women had reportedly been in a relationship with Layman while the other had only been staying with them for a few months. The women claimed they'd often took money from his account. Is this a breast milk thing? Yeah, it is. I think. Great point. In the 1989 film Weekend at Bernie's, what did this become, a Greenlee?

Two men attending the party at their boss' house discover that he had been killed by a double-crossing hitman. Did you know that this is just the plot of the movie? I know. Why do we keep giving away? Don't give it away. This article needs to be 800 words. Spoiler alert, Dave.

To avoid being falsely accused of the murder until they're able to leave, they attempt to persuade his oblivious guest that the corpse is still alive. Then it goes back to the coroner's office said an autopsy. Love it. Said an autopsy I love it. said an autopsy to determine the cause of layman's death could take up to how many months?

Wait, to determine how he died? Yeah, how he died. How many months do you think? Wait, so they don't know how he died? No, they don't. Three months? Where are we, Appaloosa? Ashtabula. 18.

18? Seven? What do you think? The backlog in Ashtabula. I'm the backlog in Ashtabula? The Ashtabula coroner's office is just swimming in Corpses, I should be there probably has more cold cases than anywhere. I'm gonna go the 11 months 11 months Jay, what do you think four months? And what do you think Dave? I don't punch down people. I would say that Why should we put a... Why should we...

Why do you have to be alive to bank? You know what I'm saying? Is that how the man wants it? Get the guitar out. It's coming. It's coming. All right. Can I...

I'm going to admit my ignorance. Where the fuck is Astribula? Astribula? It's in it Bob Dylan song I think yeah, thank you more of a feeling than a place It's in Ohio, it's in Ohio, it's in your that really ups the murder count all right I'm gonna go five months five months. It is gonna take the Ashtabula corners office eight months. Nobody's saying. Wow.

Full term, full term. So they're not gonna know. Full term is nine, ain't it? Not these days. Not these days. Okay. With the breast milk shortage. Yes, exactly.

We got a breast milk shortage. All right, we're gonna get out of here on this and this explains a lot. How old is Karen Kasbohm? Let's get her age first. Was she the one fucking the dead guy? I don't know, maybe. Karen Kasbom and Farrelo.

How old is Kasabom? 22. 22? What do you think? It's a caretaking situation, you think? I'm worried about, well, I gotta know how old this dead guy is. Do you want dead guy first?

Yeah, let's go dead guy first. Dead guy first. Dead guy first. Dead guy first. All right, all right. You guys are now at a rally. How old the dead guy is? How old is the dead guy? How old do you think he is?

71? 68. Bullshit. I think he died 51 natural causes. 51 natural cause? What do you think? He's 82. 82?

What do you think, Dave? I'm going to go with what did that guy, what did you think? He's 82. 82? What do you think Dave? I'm going to go with, what did you say over there? 71. 71. Alright Jay? Who are they? I'm going to say 78.

I'll take two more. Shout them out. 89, 74. Alright, you ready for this? This man is Douglas, I want to say Douglas Layman, but it's Layman. Doug Layman. It's Hapostanche Conroe. Doug Lehman did swingers, right?

No, he didn't go. He did go. Okay. He is 80 years old. Wow! We were so close. We were close. All right, now... The age of our future president. Oh, sorry. Okay. No.

Why? Why? Numbers and dates. That's right. All right, so now, how old... How old were the two women? Because this tells you they are. Casbone is how old? 53? 50, 55. 55?

82. I like 53. I'm going to say early 40s, one of them has a limp. This is the most fucked up auction I've ever been to. The dead one's 85. I told you guys, we gotta give them paddles. Dave just made the best observation. Please say that one more time to the pockets.

No, let's say it one more time. One of them's in their early 40s and the other one what? Has a limb. Thank you. All right, anyway. Are we a new comedy team, Dave? This is a format of by and for people on the spectrum with numbers and dates. I love it.

That's right. That's correct. Right handed, left handed. What is it? Wait, have you guys heard of Munting, though? No, what is Munting? What? Look it up.

Go on. No. Let me bring my folding chair close. Hang on a second. What is it? Yeah. Oh, the guys want to know what Munting is. Yeah Let me explain it right now. Hang on a second. What is it? Yeah, oh the guys wanna know what munting is. Yeah, what is it? Well, it reminded me of this because munting is this thing

that kids joke about these days. Yeah. And it's where, it's horrible. Let's hear it. It's like, it's the new Blumpkin. You guys know what Blumpkin is? Yeah. Fucking hey, dude.

No. No, let's, Blumpkin. It's the new Blumpkin. You guys know what Blumpkin is? Yeah. Fucking hey, dude. Don't. No. Let's, Blumpkin. It's the new Blumpkin. By the way, Blumpkin and Munting could be the new Rizzoli and Isles. A Blumpkin is how you know you're in love. Yeah, a Blumpkin, a Blumpkin was a disgusting term for this.

Is that where you fuck a pumpkin? No. It's so much worse than that. Or fill it with a bunch of that's when a pumpkin fucks you. Sorry. It takes a while to carve it just right, but when you do, you feel it. I can't believe that this is what I'm saying, but Blumkin is like when you're taking a shit

and getting domed up. Okay, there you go. That's what you call it? What do we call it in the boxcar days, Dave? I call it a Kansas City hello. We call it a couple's cruise. I thought that's when you... An Ashtabula mustache.

I thought that's when you sprained your ankle playing pickleball. He pulled the Blumkin. He put the jacket jacket on. He won't be in tomorrow. Well, so the Blumkin, we used to be a thing that kids would joke about like no one actually did it. Right. And then this new thing is the munting.

Munting. It's disgusting. What is it? Where there's a corpse. OK. And it's two people. I'm listening. It's two people.

OK, so this is the new Stand By Me. I'm with you. All right, OK. And like one person is like fucking it or something. Okay, yes. And then the other person jumps on the corpse so that the fluids come out. Oh.

Oh, the poor man's accordion. Yeah. That sounds like a deluge. It's not, it's. Chloe Trost, you just got canceled. Yeah. Yeah. Boo.

No, the kids are saying it, the kids love it. The kids are, who are these kids? No, the kids are saying it. The kids love it. The kids are swore these kids. No, the kids love it, I swear. Listen to... The kids are saying it. That was a deleted scene from Saltburn. Yes. It's...

Yes, but no one's doing it. I know, it's crazy. No one's doing it. No one is doing it. Just people are talking about it. They're talking about it, right. It's what's... The kids are talking about it.

A boy can dream. If any of you know young people... Sure. the kids are talking about. A boy can dream. If any of you know young people, and or if there's children here tonight I can't see, that was on purpose. So ask them, they'll know what it is. Yeah, they'll know what it is. All right, so here we go. To finish this story out,

and then Ted's gonna play another song, Karen Blomkin is, Karen Blomkin is 63 years old. Oh. Oh. Come back, Ken. And Loreen B. Farrello, Loreen B. Monty. 49.

Yeah. But Loreen B. Monty. She be Montying, y'all. She's 55 years old. Oh. Clearly elder scamming. And that is story number two down in the back.

Story number two! Story number two! Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This is a much more wholesome story. So it's been a while since I put out an LP, but the last one I did, it was crowdfunded. And one of the tiers was that I would write a song

for a person who would send me details of their life, and then I would write a song for them and send it to them. And I wrote this song for someone who sent me some details of their life and the appropriate amount of money. And that was in 2017. And to this day, I have never heard back from that person. No!

They love it. So I'm taking it back. Ooh, I've been walking again, it's what I do. It's what I do, it's what I do Talking to the owl and the wren and they say, ooh, you know it's true Well, you can rest your back on the redwood tree But you can't stop walking until everyone's free And so it's ten more miles on this uphill climb

12 more pennies only make us a dime But the two of us together gonna make it in time Because I'm like you And what else would we do? Well, you can rest your back on the redwood tree, But you can't stop walking until everyone's free, And so it's ten more miles on this uphill climb, Five more pennies only make us a dime, But the two of us together gonna make it time because I'm

like you and what else would we do what else would we do what else would we do? Yeah. Ted Leo. We are back. Ted, what a great idea for an album. That's like, you know, you're always looking for material and whatever. That's a great idea. Let me steal from this guy's life.

Yeah. I'm going to do that for jokes, though. Someone can can just steal jokes or from someone's bank account apparently yeah after they're dead I'm gonna close this out with story number three. Let's do it It is a time-honored tradition that we've probably done for like five or six years every year the some medical journal Trust me. They put out a record of everything that got stuck in ourselves in the previous year. Now we're cooking with guests.

Yeah. Okay. This was sent in on January 1st. I've held onto this until we did a live show. We made it all the way to August. And I'm doing it for the people in this room tonight. Yeah. Michael Burris sent this in at Mikey B Style.

Writing credit to this, putting this all together goes to Barry Paczanski and it says here all reports are taking from the US Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits. All descriptions are verbatim, as in this is how it was entered into the emergency room record and Almost all patients made some regrettable decisions as always as with every year and per how this is written Objects are sorted by orifice working south here This is some of our unsung heroes from 2023. Ear, I will now read the list of what people got stuck

in their ears. And as many of you think, wow, look at all these answers he's about to give. I'm about to give you way more questions than I am answers. Yes. Ear, ready? Yes. Feel free to stop me when one of them makes you feel good.

Toy car. OK. Toy wand. Stylus. Who's using a poem? I know. What the fuck? Stylus.

That's what he said. OK, ready for this? Stylus. Stylus. Not your stylus. Yeah. Yeah. Deborah's in there.

OK. Gasoline. What? That's not an object. Deborah's in there. OK. Gasoline. What? That's not an object. That's a liquid. Someone in that scenario at one point said, let's burn it out. But I'm special. I want super unleaded.

Super unleaded. Is gasoline a solid at a certain temperature? No. No. It's just stuck in there. Dave, from your experience, yes or no? Well, since I was homeschooled, I, I get to know me.

Hey, you know what? What did you say this was, ear stuff? Yeah, ear. So far we're in ear, yeah. Okay, well tell me when it gets to the other homes. Oh, I will. My favorite is some of these just have quotes. Dave said, wake me when I'm down south.

Next one. Here's a quote. Fell downstairs, has mild concussion, ankle sprain, ear buds stuck in ear. Oh. Boo hoo. This one is a two-parter. Oh, the softest part of your ear is in your other ear.

Somebody call an Apple genius. I say pour some gasoline on it, and it'll come right out. This is a two-parter. It's one entry. And I imagine it's also the order in which this happened. Bug, bobby pin. What? Oh, yeah.

Hearing aid battery. You need the hearing aid. What? Has been putting paper products in her ears to keep the cold out. What? That's when you move out of Minnesota. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sunflower seeds. Press on fingernails. Oh, God. Yeah, that makes sense. You're digging in for a guy to get it in. Lollipop. What? The Little Wayne single.

Oh, God. Quote, was welding overhead. Wait, Dan, did you say Little Wayne? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, I'm not his friend. So we worked together one time. I'm not going to go.

OK. Quote, was welding overhead and a piece of metal fell onto his left ear, melting his earplug. Oh. It's like the opening of Magnolia. It's also why you don't weld up above your head. Yeah. Come down on it, bro.

Piece of miniature camera, rock, sawdust, paper towel, that's together, stencil, quote, patient states rolled over in bed onto ecstasy pill and it got stuck in here. Oh, come on. That's a good. Don't threaten me with a good time. Just say you're in a sorority. That's right.

That's so cool. Just say you went to Burning Man for the first time. Imagine trying to explain that happening. That's good times. Also the doctor's like, it's Molly you fucking nerd. Okay. No one calls it ecstasy anymore. Nose.

We're getting closer, Dave. Nose is up my alley. Yeah, here we go. Quote, was smelling a battery when it went up nostril. Wait, you must have like vacuum style nose. AAA. Yeah. This isn't specified. Next entry, arts and crafts object.

Arts and crafts object. You are fired from this, Michaels. This color me mine will no longer allow you to be in there. Sewing needle. Ooh. Glue stick. Ooh. That's a dare. That is it.

Quote, put an aluminum foil wrap up her right nostril and immediately started crying. Yes. That's how you communicate with the Illuminati. The Illuminati. It does say, was standing in front of burning owl. That's right. He did say it was the right nostril.

That's right, Dave. Yogurt, flour, foxtail. How? Foxtail? What? Fake plant. Quote, put pieces of Styrofoam cup in nostril. Wait, hang on a second.

Foxtail, just call it what really is Roach clip. All right? Yeah, yeah. This is a great quote. Put pieces of Styrofoam Cup in nostril. He was seen yesterday for the same thing. Oh. Oh. No, no.

Fool me once. He's like, I'm gonna do this till TLC puts me on the fucking show. Yeah. Rhinestone. Bullet. What are you doing? Bullet. Oh, cool. Bullet. He had a really slow gun. Rhinestone. Bullet. What are you doing?

Oh cool. He had a really slow gun. Trying to kill himself and it was like, damn, the gun's too slow. This is one of the weirdest ones. In the years we've done this, this next one, it never occurred to me someone would put up their nose. Puppy tooth.

Oh. Tooth? You just wanna smell that damn little thing. I know. It's too cute. Puppy tooth. That sounds like something like want to smell that damn little thing. I know. It's too cute. Puppy tooth. That sounds like something a gypsy told him to do. Put a puppy tooth up your nose.

And you'll beat your wife. Detergent pod. That's a big nostril. Yeah. Quote. That one works, though. Quote, was doing a joke and put an earphone cover in his right nostril two days ago. Wow.

How could that be the joke? I don't know. Mulch. Mulch. And the last one for nose? Chicken nugget. There you go. From where?

Who wouldn't want to smell that all day? That's right. Okay, let's go to throat. Smells like chicken. Throat. This is going to to throat. Smells like chicken. This is going to get dirty. This is great. Fought like he had something in the back of his throat,

so he used a pair of tweezers to grab it, and he swallowed the tweezers. Operation. Well, we're about to, because the next one? Takes a steady hand. Coat hanger. Oh. You're still pregnant. You're not.

Yeah. It's the wrong one. This is why we need to make it legal again, you guys. Come on. Number three on the list, dreidel. Oh. Had to bring the Jews into it. In these times.

He did it every night for eight days. Did you say in these times? Does he throw himself on the floor and go, Gimmel? That's a Jewish letter. I apologize, Brooklyn. I know that's triggering these people. It was only supposed to be in there for one day, but it was in there for eight days.

Oh, better. It was a miracle of Monica. It's good. You can applaud it, everyone. He built upon. Don't applaud. Lorraine does like it. It's a miracle of Monica. It's good. You can applaud it, everyone. He built upon. Don't applaud. Laureen does like it.

Okay, this is a quote with a weird specific. Quote, was pulling a new shirt bought from the thrift store over his head last night at home, was tight around the mouth, nose was stuffed, so he deeply inhaled and breathed in several pieces of thread or cloth not sure which what Wait from the thrift store. You know this guy is like a hypochondriac That is so to have that much excuse for such a lame thing It should be like and I'm pulling this whatever my head and next thing I know I have a cock in my mouth I don't know what happened. I

Don't know what happened. Wait also how did it get stuck on his mouth? That's right. Right. The doctor's probably like, do you just want Oxy? Is that what you're here for? This feels like the transcripts from the staircase. Remember that? Oh my God.

Then an owl took her down the stairs and she slipped on her own blood. Here's why you read the instructions. Next entry is cough medicine cup. Yeah. That little thing. Sure. Make me stop. Here's why you read the instructions. Next entry is cough medicine cup. Yeah That little thing sure Okay, this is I'm gonna say three things, but it's one person. Okay Cocking silicone paint and string. That's right. What are you doing? Oh, what a trip to the Home Depot that was You want to hear some nasty bill? Of course can it be? Munting yeah, so there's this thing that kids say.

What? These kids today. Um, no. It's... It's... My nana did this... ...was, you know, trying to be in a sorority, like, you know... ...a long time ago. And they did some kind of hazing thing where they tied an oyster on a string and made you swallow it and then they'd pull it back

No! What? Yeah, you liked that that made your heart warm. No, that's how we used to vote Not gonna beat that No good, no good Quote new entry entry, quote. Slowing down the super fans of the show. This next one is a little bit of this,

little bit of that. This is a quote. Swallowed a magnet at school, then was stung by a wasp on his foot. No. Ah! Why you bring that up? That's not a loser.

That would be nice. Swallowed a magnet at school, then was stung by a wasp on his foot. The foot has nothing to do with the dog. No, it's a tale as old as time, Chloe Trost. The magnet drew him in. What's his Marvel movie? Who's this guy?

It's Magnet Wasp Man. The kids call it roughing. Okay. Wooden coffee stirrer, eyelash comb, small squishy pig toy. Quote, had one shot at nine beers and thinks he swallowed a bottle cap. Yeah, me too, bud. That's just, you're just drunk. Every night.

That's a lot of... Ted, be honest. My stomach hurts, yeah, fucking don't drink that much. He also thinks he can do karaoke. He's just drunk, just tell him to stop. She likes me, the bartender likes me. Ted be honest. Likelihood of this.

Next entry is guitar pick. Oh, absolutely. Of rice. 100% I can see that happening. In your mouth. Put it in my teeth all the time, yeah. And then it goes down. We got some more throat.

Keyboard key, stop. What? Plastic, plastic table from pizza box. No. Yeah. I can see that. Wait, you're eating the pizza so fast you don't see the little table?

Nine beers in one shot. This is good too. One shot in a whole pizza. No, it's food. They want you to eat it. That's why it's in there. If I eat it, will you give me a shirt? It's hard to pull over your head, but yes. Quote,

was sitting under a tree, drinking from a cup, and something from the tree fell in his cup and he swallowed it. Wait, you have to be moving in such slow motion for that to have worked. This is like a modern day Toothpaste followed by a toothbrush and possibly a toothpaste container That story smells of Lancaster PA

It's an obvious nightmare right over there what's happening to me that I'm doing? Why won't it stop? You're doing it like the English. Fishing weight. Teabag. Yes. Quote, mom told the kids to clean up their Monopoly game. Patient came to mom crying saying she swallowed the shoe.

Oh, that is so mean to the mom. It's your fault. You told me to clean it up. She made me. Guitar pick was a professional hazard possibility. I think the next one is two. Drill bit. I could see a carpenter or a person in construction.

You keep putting it in your mouth. Why are you putting a drill bit in your mouth? You switch them out? Yeah. I think that was a home dental. Yeah. One could hope. a home dental. Yeah. One could hope. Home dentistry.

Quote, patient states that he swallowed a metal key chain, a ring which had a very high vibration, and he believes that it is causing him abdominal pain. High vibration? What do you mean by that? So he had a key chain, and on it had like a little, I don't know, a little like Clit rocket or something. And he swallowed that down, and it's in in his stomach fucking reverberating around in there

No, he means like like like like gems But I've heard better at AA meetings Yeah, we'll close out those chairs. Wait till we get down. Yeah, here's some more. We'll close out, Myles. Ketchup packet, honey mustard packet, 3D seahorse sticker. Quote, having several drinks this morning, swallowed a small piece of his computer. I don't know. I don't know.

Dry ice. I'm just going to say without even hearing, that's a desktop. Yeah, for sure. Dry ice. Zipper. Dry ice zipper buck. Eye nut fidget spinner. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, of course. That's a good one bell clapper, I Don't know quote was chewing on a battery when he possibly swallowed part of it Also with a popcorn kernel in his right ear He thought it was a he thought it was a molly pill. He's having problems.

The final one for mouth is guaranteed the result of a fight. Two engagement rings. Okay. Wow. That's awesome. Can it tell me where... Two engagement rings. So there's two women involved or something. Sure. Awesome. Can it tell me where? Two engagement rings. Two engagement rings. So there's two women involved or something.

Sure. That's following. Well, you can't get either of us. Dan, that's following a no on a Jumbotron. Yeah. Penis. Yeah. Here we are.

Here we are. A lot of these results, obviously, from sounding. Or all of them from sounding. Here we go. Phone lot of these results, obviously, from, or all of them, from sounding. Here we go. Phone charger. Of course. Oh. It's every year.

It's every, because they keep changing the ports. Is that a USB? USB-C. Yeah. USB to C, is that what it is? Rolled bandaid. In case there's bleeding. Why is that a? Cran. And we're all thinking green.

Cran. Plastic spoon. Plastic spork. Oh, wow. Candle wax. Straw. Straw. Yeah, it's like a turtle. Yes. The greatest Magic Mike show you'll ever go to,

Folded Dollar Bills. There you go. Yellow Chain. I don't know why yellow matters, but it does. I think it didn't start out yellow, and then it went up there. 10-inch long sex toy. Screwdriver.

There you go. Phillips head or flat? Or an orange juice and vodka. That's like you're that high, you're like, I'm a cyborg. I have to tune my penis. I need to get that side. Knife handle. Of course.

Handle. Handle. Cable. Your holes got to be huge. Cable? Cable. That's all the cartoon character. I don't know. I can't believe he's not on

YouTube TV at this point. You gotta cut the cord. That's a quote. Patient stated he was drunk two days ago and his girlfriend inserted a necklace inside his urethra while having sex. Uh-uh. And that's love. That is a couple's cruise. Final thing for penis? She is a magician. Yes, she is a magician. Final thing for penis? She is a magician. I'm swallowing that. Yeah, she is a magician. Final thing for penis? Tip of condiment bottle. Oh. Like at a diner? Yeah.

You're like, hey, let me... He's trying to blow it up like a balloon. A little squeeze, exactly. That's how they get the floats up on Macy's Day, all right? Vagina. Okay. That was it for penis. Let's go, guys.

Let's go. Vagina inside a penis? Now just some serious munting. Come on, now. I'll tell you if they're real. Ted Leo looked at me with the perfect delivery of earnesty. He goes, vagina inside a penis? Okay.

That's love. Nail polish. Of course, sure. Not the bottle. Glitter. Light bulb. Why test? I have a bad idea. Now when they pulled that out, did they go like,

no, that's the wrong way? It's one of my oldest jokes. Is it on? Is it on? Is it on? How many doctors does it take to get a light bulb out of a pussy? Older than pretty much everyone on the panel. She definitely screwed it in.

Jason. Sorry. Foric acid suppository. to take a light bulb out of a pussy. She definitely screwed it in. Jason. Sorry. Foric acid suppositories accidentally placed in urethra. Accidentally? You know what, I get that though. That's right.

That was a two parter. You think it's your purse, I get it. Yeah, that's right. This is a two parter. She swallowed a quarter and also she believes she has retained a condom in her vagina from intercourse yesterday. I thought that was a poem.

It's a haiku. She's a little arcade machine. We call her the human parking meter. Pencil, pencil sharpener, pencil grip. Those are all different people. Multiple pens, bracelet, tick. You got to check. Tick. Quote. Oh, no. That's, bracelet, tick. You gotta check. Tick.

Oh no, that's a new fear unlocked. Yeah. I got a tick in my pussy. Oh, the kids are calling it ticking. You'll love that. You'll love it. Quote, has a double A battery in her vagina, needs a C battery, and wants help.

I'm joking, I made that up. Those are hard to find, Dan. That's great. As a double A battery in her vagina, felt it come out while using a stimulator about two weeks ago. Oh my god. Two weeks. Two weeks. Wow. And then she got busy. Life happens. You got to do a lot of errands. It was giving her energy. Hair brush, vibrator stuck inside the patient for, anybody wanna guess? Six years. Two weeks.

Six days. And then she rested. Yeah. Yeah. Why wouldn't she? I love it, I love it. This one, I don't know what kind of fucking sex you people are having, but here's what it says,

four little words that changed my life. Ice cream parlor play set. Wow. Yum. Do you want a twist? Okay. Here comes some soft serve. Whoa.

Sugar cone. The next one. I know hope they're sparking. The next one. Three grams of cocaine. Nice. That's a woman on a mission, and I have bought her for that. She's working.

That's something a guy would be like, hey, that's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. Like, we can't have, whoa. And then that woman came up with the idea for Mary Kay cosmetics. Nice. This one's a quote, six words of love.

Did the splits near a screwdriver? Oh, enough said. No. What an accident. Wow. We gotta stop these cheerleading competitions near these construction sites. That's like literally, literally,

that's the lie that she told the doctor. That is what she told me. Of course. I was doing a split. That's nice. In front of a screwdriver. Glove and sponges. That's an A. Next up, Glove and Sponges. My favorite. Cleaning, just getting cleaning done.

I love that kid show. Oh, I hate this one. Glove and Sponges is the best Nickelodeon show out there. You're absolutely right. Quiet on the set. Glove and Sponges, the new Rizzoli and I'll be guaranteed. The kid version. Crochet hook. Yeah. I love crocheting. That is the kid version. Crochet hook.

Yeah. I love crocheting. I crochet all the time. That's right, right? That's what the kids call it. It's called the cross stitch. I can see it happening. That's very crafty.

I've never heard of this in my life. Rat toy. What? Oh, nice. No. Better than a rat tail. Yeah. It was not a union shop.

Yeah. Dog chain. Dog chain, yeah. Quote, this is the final one for vagina, patient admits to extreme intoxication yesterday evening at the bar. She was hitting her head against a glass window and ended up cracking it. She then punched a cop car and has pain. She reports she inserted the back of a dart into her vagina. Bullseye. The back of a dart. The back of a dart. The back of a dart. The flayed end of a dart. Sober enough to use the back of it. She want to do damage. I mean let's go. Rectum. All right this is and this the last, right? This is where we eat. Yeah, unless you got any extra holes.

I don't know. Ice cream scoop. Sure, that's from the play set, I got it. Eyebrow tool. What? Eyebrow tool. Oh, wow. Shot glass.

Yeah. Of course. The amount of times people in the audience, after so many things, go, wait! Uh. Mouthwash bottle cap. Oh, yeah. She wanted to smell clean. Moose bottle cap. Yep. Cologne bottle. Shampoo bottle and toothbrush. Stop digging. Quote, his girlfriend made a large symmetrical object out of tin foil wrapped in paper

towels and placed in condom and put in his rectum and then she could not retrieve it. Wait, why symmetrical? How could they determine that a handmade thing was symmetrical? I mean, there was a time I had to let out and feed my friends dogs and one time the dog... How is this going to come back to this? One time the dog ran down the street and I couldn't see it, and I literally was freaking out. If I put a thing of tin foil wrapped in a towel and I couldn't see it,

I think I'd freak out. Yeah, a little bit. Cigarette lighter. Cigarette lighter? That's a prison story, right? It. Cigarette lighter. Cigarette lighter. Yeah, but that's a prison story, right? I mean, it has to be. Yeah. Candle, marble, seven inch long glass bottle.

Quote, believes he placed a pen in his rectum the day prior. He states that there was alcohol involved. So he's like, I'm not sure. No. He's trying to sign the deed. Three cell phones. Three cell phones. That's got to be prison. That's another prison. That's what it has to be. Two of. Three cell phones. Three cell phones. That's gotta be prison.

That's another prison. That's what it has to be. Two of them were flip phones. Yeah. One of them was a Nokia Pebble. I've got a Verizon in my asshole. That'd be great. It hurts like a razor.

Two dildos. Ah, well that's just showing off. That's showing off. That's showing honestly. Come on. Quote, patient states they accidentally sat on a cone-shaped toy in the shower. No accident. No way. No way.

What adult has a cone-shaped toy? What adult is sitting down in the shower? Unless you're crying. The lies. Uh, pool noodle. What? Pool noodle. Wait, so, so much of it was sticking out

when they're going into the emergency room. It's like a tale. They're like, I want to tell you what happened to me. And they're like, no, we can guess what happened to you. We see. You have a huge pool noodle sticking out of your ass. He's like, honey, where's the pool noodle? I can't, it's like.

I don't see it anywhere. Oh, no joke. You're knocking everything off the coffee table, Dave. Stop being Barney. Rolling pin, quote, put a screwdriver in his rectum because he was curious. Yes. Screwdriver, toy dinosaur, spoon, pocket knife, quote, states that earlier this afternoon

he was trying to be funny and shoved a plastic bottle up his rectum. Oh. Yeah. But first he had to be like, watch this, I'm going to take my pants down and show you my ass. And everyone's like, no. If you guys want me to do it, I'll do it. If you want me to do it. Nobody wants you. Nobody wants you. no. If you guys want me to do it, I'll do it. If you want me to do it.

Nobody wants you. Nobody wants you. It's obvious you guys want me to do it. No? Toilet plunger, candle holder, unknown amount of magnetic balls. Quote, quote, inserted some anal beads into his rectum Thursday, fell asleep, and noticed today

that they were nowhere. Ha ha ha. They were nowhere. That's like the butt version of the tooth fairy, right? Wait, wait. How bored with your own anal play do you have to be to fall asleep in the middle? Look honey, I'll do it, but I have had a day. Let's just put it in.

Let's watch the Olympics. Shaving cream bottle, PVC pipe, jigsaw pieces, that's going to piss somebody off. That's great. One last piece. Where's the other part of the sky? Zucchini. Quote. I don't know if they're saying presents or presents because I don't know the context, Dad? Zucchini! Yup. Quote... Pres...

I don't know if they're saying presents or presents, because I don't know the context, but I'll go presents. Presents with a butt plug stuck in her rectum. Reports she was using it and got up too quickly to answer the door. Oh. Oh, fuck, who's here? That's great. Wait, the idea of needing to... Answering the door with a butt plug in just like totally here? That's great. Wait, the idea of needing to answer the door with a butt plug in just like totally normal?

That's right. You could place a package like right there, right there. Sign for it. That's an easy cover too. Sign for it. I was in the middle of a chess game and I... Rook to ass four. No, it's probably the bishop that's going up there.

That's right. That's right. Let's be honest. It was an older woman, so probably not. All right, so. Golf ball. Okay. Four.

That's right. Orange. That's it. An orange? Yes, an orange. Quote. Did you say Mandarin? Yeah, that's right.

It was a cutie. Quote. Nave? States he stuck a pen in butt to scratch an itch and it went up his butt. Bro, if you got an itch so far up your ass, you have so many problems. Christmas ornament. Sure. Yeah, I like that. Comes sooner and sooner. Every year. Christmas tree lights. Sure. Plastic lightsaber. Corn on the cob holder. Oh that hurts. Please. Which end? Yeah right. Which end of the dart? Yeah. And finally fruit roll-up. There you go. Why? I thought he was gonna I thought it was gonna say and Constitution of the United And finally 8700 votes in Georgia

Well, there you go you guys Ted's gonna play one more song. Thank you guys for coming out Thank you Chloe Trost out to the show. Thank you guys. Thank you David and Patel. Thank you Chloe Trost, Dan of Akirk, we got posters, we'll sign a few of them out there after the show, but go for it Ted Leo. Thank you guys. Ted Leo, take us home. Brooklyn, this is a song by some people from Queens. ["Brooklyn"] You gotta pick up the pieces, come on, sort your trash better, get yourself back together. Maybe you got too much cash, well call, call the law.

When you gonna turn yourself in, yeah You're a politician Don't become one of Hitler's children Bonzo goes to Bitburg and goes out for a cup of tea As I watched it on TV, somehow it really bothered me Drinking all the bars in town To understand your foreign policy Pick up the pieces

Nah, nah, nah My brain is hanging upside down And I need something to slow me down Oh yeah, my brain is hanging upside down And I need something to slow me down Shoulda wished you all the best Shooter wish you happiness in a fifty thousand dollar dress Shaking hands with your highness But I see through you like cellophane You watch the world complain But you do it anyway Who am I, am I to say? Bonzo goes to Bitburg and goes out for a cup of tea. As I watched it on TV, somehow it really bothered me.

Drinking off the bars in town, who understand your foreign policy? Pick up the pieces. Hey, pick up the pieces. Nah, nah, nah, my brain is hanging upside down. And I need something to slow me down. Oh, yeah, my brain is hanging upside down And I need something to slow me down If there's one thing that makes me sick

It's when someone tries to hide behind politics I wish this time would go by fast But somehow they managed to make it last Oh yeah, my brain is hanging upside down And I need something to slow me down Oh yeah, my brain is going upside down And I need something to slow me down And I need something to slow me down Thank you, Ted Leo.

Thank you, Chloe Trost, Dave Attell, we're the Sklar Brothers, Dan Novak, our tough people, Ted. Come say hey. Sit down there. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Ah! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Thank you.