Dumb People Town - Greg Fitzsimmons - Independent Son

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

Dan, Jason and Randy welcome Greg Fitzsimmons to town to hear about a Georgia man who steals a sex device from ex lover. In story 2, a man takes big steps to prove to his mother that he is independent. In the third story a woman is arrested for an unusual attack on a train. 

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey, Tatties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Fitzsimmons. Gregory Fitzsimmons, welcome to the show. Only my father would call me Gregory when I was in trouble. That was like-

And you are in trouble. You are in deep trouble, my friend. Deal with it. I always love seeing you, one of our just longest friends in this business. We've been friends for 25 years now. Yeah, right. Doing-up, just always been such a fan of you. Every time we sit down and chat, it's like, Dan, we're talking about going through the stories that we're going to talk about today because we believe the world's getting dumber. I don't know if we've really gotten

into this with you. Do you believe it's getting dumber or do you think we're just... Or is dumb just getting louder? Or do we know more about it? I don't necessarily think we're... I mean, it depends on how you rate dumb. In terms of information that people are taking in, they're taking in more, but they're not checking it. There's no cross-referencing. No, nobody's checking it. And so people are walking around with a profound sense of being in the know.

Which they're not. I liken it to – Which they're not. I liken it to... Which they're not. Who is? I liken it to every McDonald's in every small town has a group of three or four or five or six old people that get together every morning and talk about coffee. And none of them have any information to back up any of the opinions

or things they're saying to each other. Millions of people are now in that discussion and then walking around the rest of the day being like, well, I heard. Yeah. This is how Facebook works. Right. What's the difference between a conspiracy theory

and global warming scientists? You know? Yeah. It's just in the telling. Yeah. It's in that guy with the cup of coffee being emphatic about it

and backing up stats that are random. Right. And if you hear them from the right person, you go, absolutely. I mean, look at how many people stray from their family are random. Right. And if you hear them from the right person, you go, absolutely. I mean, look at how many people stray from their family's politics.

Yeah. If your parents were Republican, you're Republican. If your dad was a child molester, you're gonna do it. You're gonna do it. You're gonna do it. It's in the family.

Is that a political thing? They're cute. Is that a political? They're cute. Stop. You know what you just said? They've studied this, that it's exactly true,

that Facebook makes everything look the same. So like in the 80s or 90s if you saw an article on climate change it would be in the wall street journal the new york times or the washington post and that would obviously carry a weight with it and then you would get a pamphlet about how uh the world was going to end next week and that the actually there's dragons breathing fire and the pamphlet would look so shitty. You'd be like, well, obviously, I don't trust this garbage. The National Enquirer is literally printed on toilet paper. On Facebook, those conspiracy theories and those factual researches,

they all look the exact same on your feed. So you're like, this looks just as legit as the real things that I'm reading. And so people just buy into it. It's Travel and Leisure magazine. I don't know if you've ever read Travel and Leisure magazine. Naturally. There are those things where you are like, is this an article or is this an ad? Is this an advertisement? I cannot

tell. That's great. I cannot tell. Or are they really touting the Four Seasons Hotel in Santa Barbara? Could this be? That's why I only trust Skyway magazine. Sky Mall? Sky Mall magazine. I know about Minneapolis only. I only trust Skyway Magazine. Sky Mall. Sky Mall Magazine. Skyway is good too.

I know about Minneapolis only. That system of like two floors above the ground. He's really the best. Then I know Brad Garrett is still in the business, and I know that I can get a box lunch with a protein snack going west on a Thursday. I can get a giant fist statue for my backyard. Yeah, I can get a big foot, a bronze big foot for my backyard that's- Actually, a speaker. It's a speaker, and it's actually scaled 1.25 larger than the actual big foot.

Right, and it's black power. Didn't you guys have a bit about a dog kennel that was an end table? Yes. Yeah. That was an old bit of ours, the dog kennel. Really? Yeah, in the SkyMall magazine, that was an end table? Yes. Yeah. That was an old bit of ours, the dog kennel. Really? Yeah, in the SkyMall magazine, there was an end table,

like a coffee table that was also a dog. Just that we imagine who is that for? Like what person, what couple, where the wife is like, honey, I love this end table. I love the lines. It's actually the perfect height for us. Can you incarcerate a pet inside of it?

That's my question because I need my drink to be jostling around while an animal is crying. I need to hear the sound of whimpering while I'm watching the football game. That's right. So, Daniel, I know our friends send us these great stories, our fans, and we have

Fitzsimmons here, the brilliance that is Greg Fitzsimmons. Let's jump into a story right away. Let's do it. Here we go. Ready? Send in by Liz. Don't fuck around. We don't. Let's get to it. Sent in by Liz Haggerty at Liz Haggerty. Liz Haggerty.

Love to turn airplanes. Unfortunate last name to go through. Remember Julie Haggerty? Oh, that's right. From airplanes. She was so great. She was amazing. She was at a couple of Aspen comedy festivals.

She brought her little dog. She had that Boston Terrier. Do you know that i've i've not i've not flown on a lot of private jets in my life but on this occasion i was flying to to um idaho and we were doing this celebrity golf tournament and they had sunk to the bottom of the barrel of celebrities so i'm on the plane fit simmons like us and it's like a golf tournament you've done these celebrity we did. We did one with you. Oh, yeah.

You and Kevin Meaney. So I'm flying to one, and it's me, and I think it was like Jackie Flynn and a couple other guys, and the guy from Airplane. Robert Hayes. Robert Hayes was on the plane with us. So you're like, if this thing goes down, we got someone that can fly it.

He got behind the wheel. Shut up. He's a licensed pilot, and he flew us to fucking Idaho. No, he did not. Yes. Swear to God. He got behind the wheel. He's a licensed pilot and he flew us to fucking Idaho. Stop. Yes. Swear to God. He was sweating a lot. Sweating a lot. I hung myself during the story. Thank God. Picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Here's the headline. Georgia man steals sex device from ex-lover. It's like the scene in The Jerk. I'm taking this with me and that's all i care about this lamp uh all right thanks liz hagerty atlas listen good if i'm dating this girl the last thing you want is an inherited sex toy yeah that's get it out of the house yeah let him have it yep he cares about it and you're not using it anymore let him cry over it who who likes clutter now and and you're not using it anymore, let him cry over it. Who likes clutter?

And you can actually with science today, you can take that sex toy and you can clone her. That's right. Just off the DNA. Oh, you're making it a full person. He's saying you can clone the girlfriend just by the DNA that she's left on the device.

Yes, I get it. Okay, ready? Here we go. A brief and somewhat uneventful high-speed chase. That's a reporter who's like, fine, I'll write about it, but it doesn't matter. That's just two people driving. Yeah, exactly.

A brief and somewhat uneventful high-speed chase across the... Uneventful except when the guy threw the dildo at the windshield of the police vehicle. That's right. And it perfectly suctioned. It just...

You got a dick mobile driving around. It sped across a southern stretch of Putnam County two nights before Christmas and had salacious origins when a woman told police her ex-boyfriend broke in and stole several items, including a sex swing. Oh, a sex swing. That's what the sex swing is. So I know it's two nights before, and forgive us because we're Jews.

I know it's two nights before Christmas, but is he the anti-Santa? Mm-hmm. Anta? Yeah, he's the anti. Anti-Santa. He goes in and takes stuff out two nights before. Goes up the chimney.

He goes up the chimney. Which is another sex toy. Up the chimney. She took the anal intruder up the chimney. So it was a swing. I've never gotten a swing. That seems jarring, doesn't it? Is a swing just a hanging chair?

It's like stirrups. But what is the... Oh, are you supposed to be having sex while you're on the swing it gives you some different leverage points oh all right you know i like it hangs and then there's stirrups and then you can kind of greg if your wife said honey so you're almost an empty nester right yeah almost an empty year away two year left year left kids gone both kids are good let's say they're out there doing their own thing, and your wife comes home and says, honey, I bought us a sex swing.

What's the next phrase to come out of your mouth? Do you want to put AstroTurf down or sand? I'm in. You're in. Of course I'm in. Of course you are. Just don't kick your legs while you're on the swing. That's right.

We don't need to go any higher. That's right. We're high enough. No need're on the swing. We don't need to go any higher. We're high enough. No need to pump the legs. A woman who lives a few miles south of Eatonton near Lake Sinclair told police she arrived home

on the evening of December 23rd to find a man she had once lived with a man who she said fathered two of her children. All of them? So you know there's more. Right. Exactly. That's two of many.

He's the father of all your kids? Two, I said. No, two of mine. Made off- Number six and number seven. This is what he took. This is a- No, number five and number seven.

Ah, yeah. They'll break it. This is where you go- Ancestry DNA will hurt you. That's right. This guy's heart hurt, and he's an idiot. He made off with more than a dozen pairs of high heels and other miscellaneous objects. Is this funny, Greg, the notion of, because I watched that 23andMe.

There's like the 23andMe where the guy's like, I went back to Ireland, and the family was so happy to see me. They took me down to the local pub. Like how many families in Ireland are literally like, are you serious? Get these people out of, take them down to the bar. Just tell them it's our family pub. Just get rid of these assholes. Do they really want to have to carry you around and show you? I can tell you firsthand, when I was 18 years old, I went to Ireland with my, you know me,

I answered his DNA, 97% Irish. I was tested. All four grandparents are from there. So I go over there with my little address book, and I've got connections, and I've written letters to all these relatives. The Gallaghers in Salt Hill, which is in Galway. The O'Briens down in Skibbereen. I got relatives all over.

And I got a map with a fucking red marker. Here's the places I'll be staying. Here's where I'm going to be taken in, showing local culture. Staying. Staying. Staying. Staying with these people. Didn't check. If anyone was like, well, I'm staying with you. I'm your relative.

Get out of here. Are you joking? Go to an Airbnb. Uncle Tim Harrington brings me down and he goes Hey, it's nice to see you, son. How's Aunt Dolores? And how's Aunt Pat's cousin Lori? Is she good? And the twins?

Have they gotten over that emphysema? And there's an Airbnb right around the corner. I'm like, these motherfuckers stayed at my house in New York. Not making that up.

No. They stayed in my house. They pushed you to a hotel. And I got no fucking money. I'm 18 years old. I just can't believe there was Airbnb back then. They called it...

B&B. They called it... Bread and breakfast. B&B. It was nowhere. It was nowhere. There was nowhere back then. Yeah. No air. There was no air back then. That's crazy.

So you put them up, but they wouldn't return the favor. That's correct. They're kind of right. The Scottish get a bad name for being cheap. The Irish are right there with them. Hey, you know, starve some people for a century? It starts to change their personality a little bit. Yeah, it's an Irish giver.

So he stole high heels. century, it starts to change their personality. It's like an Irish. Yeah. It's an Irish giver. Yeah. So he stole high heels. High heels. A dozen pairs of high heels and other miscellaneous objects. Is he going to wear them? Those other objects, according to a Putnam Sheriff's report, included an infant activity play mat, a Spider-Man blanket, and a black $160 fetish fantasy adult sex aid spinning swing. $160.

I wouldn't trust one that's only $160. I'm not spending $300 on a swing. You don't want a discount swing. Yeah. Because it's like a shirt at Marshall's. Like one side's a little higher than the other. So regularly. So you have to adjust your shoulder.

You know that old joke. The guy buys a suit from this tailor and it's, the guy's done a, no, no. The guy buys a suit and it's cheap. So it's all fucked up. One shoulder's higher than the other. One sleeve is longer than the other. One leg is shorter. So the guy is looking in the mirror.

He makes all the adjustments. He raises one shoulder. He walks with his heel up in the air to even out the cuffs. He's walking the street and somebody goes, hey, look at the poor man walking down the street like that. And the other one goes, yeah, but look how great his suit fits. Made it in Ireland. I just love that this guy showed up at this person's house and was like,

I'm taking back something from everybody. He took back things from the kid. A baby play mat, a spider blanket, and the sex swing. Everybody's losing something. The playmat goes under the swing. I mean, it's what he was talking about. AstroTurf or Sanch, so you don't want to scrape against the floor. Authorities were promptly notified and sheriff's deputies were soon

on the lookout for a gray 2016 Dodge Challenger, which the alleged burglar, John David Donk Lewis. His nickname is Donk. The Donk John David Donk Lewis. His nickname is Donk. The Donk. The Donk.

The Donk. He's like not as cool or smart as Gronk. Right. The Donk. The Donk. If you're a cop and the APB goes out for- Donk. For a guy named Donk who's got sex toys in the car, you're the first guy out of the station on that list.

You're like, I can't wait to be there. By the way, donk is what the sound it makes when the sex swing hits you on the head by accident. He got donked where he are on that one. He donked him on that. Also, I like that he has a Dodge Challenger because that's been the challenge for his ex-girlfriend of all time

is to dodge this guy. And she is not doing a great job of it. She's not doing a good job dodging him. The victim of the alleged theft because that's been the challenge for his ex-girlfriend of all times, to dodge this guy. And she is not doing a great job of it. She's not doing a good job dodging him. The victim of the alleged theft said when she got home that night, the Dodge was parked outside with its trunk open. The woman said she spotted Donk Lewis carrying a container of her high-heeled shoes and other property. While the deputy was talking to the victim, another woman...

Is he whistling or talking to himself as he's putting it in the trunk? Oh, for sure. I told you you'd miss me. I don't miss you. No, I always love when people say the things- We're going to miss our swing. No, take that, too. I always love when people say the exact thing they're doing.

Like, the exact thing they're doing. They don't need to say it. Got to put this here. Yeah. Got to move this here. I'm taking the sex swing. Oh, my God. Once you turn 75, you narrate your own life because you live alone

you live alone you're like samuel jackson in long kiss good night remember he makes songs up about what he's supposed to be you have to hear a voice yes even if it's yours yeah you just have to hear to mix this coffee confirm your existence i'm letting out the dog then i'm gonna go pee a little low on eggs. Going to get those later. That's so good. Turn off the radio. All right. I feel like that's why Alexa was invented.

Right. Oh, I know. Got to get my mental health exam. Miss Loretta. Got to stop talking out loud. You guys all saw the Google ad, right, with Loretta? The saddest commercial in the Super Bowl. Which one was that?

The guy who just keeps asking his Alexa to remind him things about his wife. Remind me that she hated me. Searching for that now. Here's what I found. While the deputy was talking to the victim, another woman at the house received a text message from Donk. You think he says, hey, it's Donk? We know. You're saved in my phone.

Yeah. He definitely says Donk out when he leaves places. Right. The message included a photograph of Lewis, or Donk, who the report said, quote, was holding a black fabric object identified as the victim's sex swing. Lewis was also displaying the middle finger to the camera. So after he left with everything, he sent someone at the house a message of him just holding up the sex swing

and giving it to the bird. And a middle finger. Yeah. He's hurt. Come and get it. Right? He's hurt. Sit on this.

He's hurt. What's the end game? Now he's alone in his suity apartment. He's got a box of sex toys. Shoes. And high-heeled shoes. And high-heeled shoes.. He's got a box of sex toys. Shoes. High heel shoes. A baby mat. Spider-Man blanket.

A Spider-Man blanket, a baby mat, and a sex swing. Why 12 pair? I mean, how many do you need to lick at any given time? 12 days of Christmas. It is two days before. It wasn't long before another deputy spotted the gray Dodge and took after it at speeds of up to 112 miles per hour. That is a high speed chase.

Well, how many do you think he'd need to lick? That's a great point. What's that? How many do you think he'd need to like a person who licks high heels? How many heels do you have to lick to get to the center of your heart rate? Three. One,

two, three. I think for some guys it's licking the heels because they're, they want to be humiliated and dirty. Right. And for other guys it's the inside of the shoe because they want the smell and the sweat. So if you're an inside shoe, you want how many pairs? Many because you're going to lick out the stank.

That's right. If you're the under heel, you could just do it with two. One pair. One pair. It's so much easier to be humiliated. Yeah, get some pedal pushers, because then you really got work to do. Get some clogs. It was raining, and the deputy quickly called off the chase.

By the way, if that would be your sex name, it would be Dr. Scholls, right? That's your safe word. It's your safe word. Instead of Brock, he's Croc. There you go. The Dodge was later found abandoned and stuck in some mud in a roadside ditch near Lake Sinclair. So he also crashed his own car. That's not a metaphor for his life.

No. Sounds like a bad Bruce Springsteen song. Suck this bitch on the side of the road. Exit 14. I just love that the cops are like, we're going to call off this chase. He's going to work himself out. We don't need to be there. No, no, he's sinking too low.

We can't. Inside the car was a beige tote bag with 15 or so pairs of women's high heel shoes. In the trunk, deputies found the sex swing. Quote, he just had to have it, apparently,ard still said later of the swing it was a device near and dear to his heart lewis later turned up that's donk uh later turned up december 27th at a house in neighboring baldwin county when putnam sheriff's investigators got there to arrest lewis on felony burglary and eluding charges lewis's ex-girlfriend was in the driveway these two can't get away from yeah jesus i. I know where you are. Maybe she's got his Find My Phone app.

Right. And it's like, I know where to eat. No, she has a Find My Sex Wing app. Find My Shoe app. Yeah. When she had come to get a vehicle that belonged to Donk, but didn't know where he was, she said she had come to get a vehicle that belonged to Donk, but didn't know where he was. An investigator spotted Lewis hiding nearby.

He's not even good at hide-and-go-seek. Donk. Wait, now she's getting his car and he's getting a sex swing? Yep. That's not a great trade. Well, Donk's not great. He's not a smart guy. Donk said he had been on the run from police a few days earlier because he was scared.

Did Donk say, like, to friends of his, I'll just swing by? Like, we know you got the swing. Okay, I'll swing by around eight. You know, Debbie and I are swingers. Who with? Each other. Each other. Same swing.

He said he ran because, quote, because he was scared and he did not have a driver's license, which also explains the going into the ditch. Donk had previously denied... I think the problem is she bought the sex wing because she wanted to spice things up and he didn't get it and he just kept pushing

her from behind, back and forth, singing this old man. You don't seem to be enjoying it, Deb. Less sexy than that. He had previously denied breaking into the woman's residence. An investigative report said he claimed to be living there with her.

According to the report, Donk then begged her to drop the burglary charges and said, baby, please, that carries a lot of prison time. Donk went on to the report. He does. He does. He then dropped to his knees and begged her again. The charges were not dropped. So she was like, no, you took my swing. I think he was on his knees

because he just wanted to get close to those shoes. It's a shoe issue. To push her from behind and just give her a swing on the swing, you don't say, who's your daddy? You say, where's your daddy? That's right. Where's your daddy? Do you need him right now? Lewis was released Tuesday

from the Putnam County Jail on a $12,000 bond. We'll get out of here on this. How old do you guys think a guy named Donk is? Here's what you know about him. He doesn't have a driver's license, but he drives a Dodge Challenger. He wanted to steal shoes. There's a kid involved, right?

Did they ever come out and say two kids? Did they say the ages of the kids? They didn't say the ages of the kids. But he stole a Spider-Man blanket, maybe that belonged to one kid, and a baby mat, which might have belonged

to the other kid. And a sex swing. 34 years old. 44. 29. Okay, so Randy said 29, 44, you said Jason, right? And 34. One of you

is exactly right. All right, now we get to play Who's Exactly Right? So Greg, who do you think is right? Your guess. Obviously, I think I'm right. Okay right. Now we get to play who's exactly right. So, Greg, who do you think is right? Your guess. Obviously, I think I'm right. Okay. 34, Jay.

I have no second thoughts. I am 100% right. I am 100% right. Okay. Townies, we will leave the first story on this because the donk is 29 years old. Oh, my God. He's lived a life though. He looks 44.

Some people pack it in. 29 in meth years. He looks 48. Some people pack it in. He's swinged on through the other side. Swung on through. All right, there you go. First story down in the books.

Greg Fitzsimmons is with us. Don't go anywhere, guys. More Dumb right after this. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Greg Fitzsimmons with us. Follow him on... Where should they follow you?

Twitter? Instagram? Yeah, it's GregFitzShow on Twitter, and then Instagram is just my name. Greg Fitzsimmons. And the podcast, your podcast. Fitz Dog Radio. Also I have another podcast with, you know, Alison Rosen. Love her. Yes. She and I have a podcast called Childish where we

talk about parenting and I've got teenagers, she's got babies and so it's about me teaching her. Giving her the I'm here on the road, you're down here I'm going to tell you where you got to come. And she's not buying it. Oh, I love it. Why is she not buying it? Does she not trust you?

I love her podcast. I have a different style than her. You are definitely a different style. I believe kids figure it out. You're such an old school guy. I play a zone defense. She goes man to man. She goes man to man.

Yeah. She's on a cover too, and you kind of relax. You're like, this is my quadrant. She might even trap. She might even run a trap. She's trap, and I'm protecting the end zone. The rim, yeah. It's like nothing deep. I don't care.

You guys can mess up. We'll take some ticky-tack stuff, but I don't want anything getting behind us. Greg's a bend-don't-break guy. Yeah, they're going to beat me off the line. I'm giving them some space. You're going to give them yards. They're going to get theirs. You like to bump and run your kids.

Right. And they'll pick up a first once in a while. That's right. But hey, look, as long as you keep them in the middle of the field. Does your wife subscribe to the Ben Don't Break defense or no? No. I think the key is with parenting is one needs to be man to man and one needs to be zoned. The other one can just be.

Because then I don't even find out about shit like homework. Yeah. She's dealing with that. I'm dealing with JoJo ran away. Got it. I'm in the car. JoJo is a kid? JoJo's 16. I'm kidding.

She didn't run away. But I'm going to go, when something big happens, I'm going to punch it as soon as it happens. I'm on it. Pregnant? Got it. As soon as it happens. I'm on it. Pregnant? Got it. We'll fix it. I got the 500 bucks.

We're all set. Didn't clean their room? That's not me. That's not me. Some kids have a college savings account. Not me. Set the car on fire? I'll show up.

That's right. Lease issues. That's not a bad strategy. Stolen sex swing? I'm there. How many years are you into Fitz Dog Radio? 10? 11. Wow. You've done it twice. It's not a bad strategy. Stolen sex swing, I'm there. How many years are you into Fitztalk Radio? 10?

11. Wow. We've done it twice. 850 episodes. We've done a couple. You've only done it twice? No, we've done it like four times. No, at least. You guys are due, by the way.

Just took it out by the airport. You know what I can do? We can do it by the airport. We can do it while we play golf. That was so fun that one time we did it. Let's do that. That was so fun. Perfect. Let's do it and then we'll go to Pamela. Okay. We can do it while we play golf. That was so fun that one time we did it. That was so fun. Let's do it and then we'll go to Pembroke.

Let's do it. Just a treat. First of all, you were one of the first people who got into podcasting who told us you guys need to do it. I just remember this. You and Doug Benson and Hardwick and maybe one other person. Marin. I don't think Marin was doing it yet. No?

You were before him. And I think you just were like, yeah, this is the deal. I do it. It's like my own radio show. I'm cultivating my audience, and then you can make money on it. We were like, seriously? Yeah. And you're like, yes, you will love it.

You will be freed by it. You will write material out of it. You will just. And it's fun to sit down with friends and spend an hour. The best. I mean, how often? Nobody's on their phone. We're not in the back of a comedy club where you're getting interrupted every 30 seconds.

That's it. This is us doing the thing that we love to do more than anything else which is create comedy. Right. Like it's how can we make each other laugh.

Yes. That's all this is for an hour. Yeah. And then you like get real for a while and you're talking about real shit

and then it goes back to being funny. That's your podcast. Should we do another story? Yeah, for sure. I want to know, do you have any dates coming up? Yeah. I'm going to be coming out to

Austin Tech. You know Cap City Comic Con. The best. Many comedians call it their... I'm going to be there in... I think I'm like the weekend before or after you. Oh, no shit. I'm there Valentine's weekend. I'm going to tell the wife about that. February 13th through 15th.

And then I'm coming out to Plano, Texas, February 27th. Hyenas. Through 29th at Hyenas. Great club. And then also gigs coming up in, I don't know, Phoenix. Yep, great. Cleveland. Where are you going?

Hilarity's this weekend. Oh, no. Hilarity's just got canceled. Boston. Are you going to be in Phoenix during spring training? Yeah, but that doesn't That doesn't concern me I love it

I love it Wasn't there a big trade To the Dodgers yesterday? Yeah You bet Guy from Boston? Yeah Yeah

Is he huge? He's probably one of the best He was like an MVP candidate And for him to come to the Dodgers Was like maybe that piece And they got David Price Who's a left handed pitcher Our fans who are not

Tuning out But here's what you need to do Spars tell them where you're going to be Come on Oh okay So we are going to be maybe that piece. And they got David Price, who's a left-handed pitcher. Our fans who are not tuning out. Tell them where you're going to be. Come on. We got some big shows coming up. We're going to be at Comedy Club on State Street in Madison, Wisconsin. Who doesn't love that one? We're there March 12th through the 14th. Then we do live Dumb People Town, this show live. Three nights. First night is in Minneapolis at the

Cedar Cultural Center, which is going to be amazing. We've got the guys from Mystery Science Theater, our guests, musical guests, I think the Cactus Blossoms, which will be amazing. Are they all local? Yeah, they're all local in Minneapolis.

St. Louis is the next night. We're trying to get Dave Holmes. It looks like it's happening. We got Dave Holmes. The great Dave Holmes is going to join us, a St. Louis native, and then another St. Louis personality, and we're looking for a musical act there.

And then Milwaukee is the next night at Turner Hall so Delmar Hall and Turner Hall these are big these are like 500 seed venues that we got to fill these things so get your tickets now

and then we're in Rochester, New York at Comedy at the Carlson which is a great I love the guy who owns that club and the room is called the Kevin Meaney

showroom oh really that's awesome I love that room and I love that guys we'll be there April 2nd through the 4th and then Moon Tower Comedy Festival the three of us will be there April 2nd through the 4th.

And then Moon Tower Comedy Festival, the three of us will be there, all of us, and we're going to do the podcast up there and tag it and all these other great shows. Unbelievable. And then we've never been to Burlington, Vermont to that comedy club. You'll love it. Our first time going up there. The owners are grassroots comedy. Great. They loved comedy, so they got a little space. I love it.

They promote it, and the community supports the room. It's great. So we'll be up there May, like around the 14th, 15th. Don't do Bernie jokes. We won't do any Bernie jokes. Just a lot of Ben and Jerry jokes. That's awesome. And then we have our live show at Largo on the 24th.

Yes. With Paul F. Tompkins and Will Arnett and Colin Hay. How about that? How about that for a line-up? That'll be great. It's amazing the diversity you guys are bringing to podcasts. Thank you so much. Thank you. And then you can come see me amazing the diversity you guys are bringing to podcasts. Thank you so much. Appreciate it.

And then you can come see me on the 15th in Boca Raton, and you can also see me in Chicago on 27th of February. I'll be a guest on the Daily Zeitgeist. And then in March, I'll be in Austin, Texas headlining cast. Boca Raton? What are you playing, a retirement home? There's some comedy club down there. Really?

They hit me up like three weeks ago. I don't know. I'd never heard of it. They said, do you want to come down and do a show? I said, no. I know. I'll go to the rat's mouth. I'll go to the mouth of that.

One night, two shows. Let's do it. All right, Dan. Let's get this right. All right, let's do it. Here we go. Ready? Yes.

Sent in by James Berkerfeld at Sideshow James. Thanks, buddy, for sending. I just bought some Berkerfelds. They're really comfortable sandals. Open toad. Open toad Berker Fels. A man tries to prove to his mom he's independent. That's in quotes because that's what he said.

A man tried to rob a convenience store to prove to his mother that he's independent, the Marion County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Son, you got a panty on your head. I love that. Make something of yourself. I know. If you're going to do something in this world, don't just talk about doing it. Remember, we did the story.

I give him credit. We did the story about the guy who wanted to prove to his son he was cool, so he stole cars and moved them two blocks. Two blocks over to prove that he was a cool dad. Because he wanted his rebellious son to think he was cool. You got a teenage son. You know what that is. You want to be cool.

It's like a cat bringing a mouse to the front porch. Thank you. Let me show you what I can do. Wait, so this is not the dad. This is the kid. This is the kid who's trying to show his mom that he's independent. On some level, I look at this story and I say, at least he wasn't on his phone. He was out doing something.

Got some exercise. The great thing about robbing a convenience store is you grab a couple out doing something. Yeah. Got some exercise. The great thing about robbing a convenience store is you grab a couple things while you're there. Yeah. Not just the money. Right. You get a bars bar. You get some Reese's Pieces. It's a convenience place.

That's right. Some rolling papers. Yeah. And whatever change they're raising for leukemia. That's yours. March of dimes. You got to do that before you rob the place. You can't rob and then be like, let me grab a couple of things. Let's yours. March of dimes. You got to do that before you rob the place.

You can't rob and then be like, let me grab a couple of things. Let me get some of these. Hassan Campbell tried to rob a Circle K on West Highway 326, but the clerk refused

to give him money and a customer confronted Campbell. So he can't be independent. I love that he's like, this is my big time and the person's like, nah.

No, I'm robbing you. No, you're not. Not me. I just love he's like, this is my big time, and the person's like, nah. Nah, I'm robbing you. Not me. I just love the guy. This motherfucker's making minimum wage, and he's putting his life on the line for a cash register that's probably got $85, because people use credit cards. I take it. And by the way, there's always a moment, and if you've ever

worked at a place like this, we worked at gas stations when we were in high school. So did I. There's always a place, like the drop spot, where it's in the floor, and you take $300, $400, whatever you got, drop it in an envelope down the thing, and it's gone. That's called the kill the cashier box.

Yes. It is one of those things where you say to yourself, I don't even care if this is an episode of Undercover Boss, and you're my boss. Take all of it. This is not worth it at all to me. So this guy or this person, I'm assuming

isn't a man? I don't know. Yeah, Hassan Kamli, yes. The guy who was working there. It just said cashier. The clerk refused to give him money. You're not getting it. Maybe he wasn't that confident in his asking for it. Yeah, well, he's not independent.

Can I rob, like- That's true. Can I rob, rob you, like that sentence can't be phrased in the form of a question. Yes. You gotta make that a statement. Is it cool if I rob you? It's not Jeopardy. No.

If your voice goes higher at the end of the sentence- At the end, you're done. You don't get to rob though. Is it cool if I rob you? You're not getting the money. Yeah. Is it cool if I have your money? I'm gonna rob you?

Yeah. Is there anything in the till you want some where's the drop what i love too is he was so bad at it that another customer was also so unafraid of him was like get out of here no like he was confronted by another like you can't get anyone to believe in him his mom doesn't believe in him a clerk he's trying to rob just a random customer who wanted like some fucking winston's he's like a squirrel in new york when you open a sandwich on a park bench like you can feel it creeping closer and then some hey come on get out no he was shooed he was shooed out of there uh

campbell and the customer briefly fought that's how little the customer thought i'll just fight you i'll fight you i don't even work, man, I was looking for something to do tonight. Right. Rolls the cigarettes in his sleeve. What state is this? This is Marion County Sheriff's. It's sent in by WFTV.com. I don't know. It sounds like it's an Oklahoma kind of state where they don't fuck with criminals. They just don't allow it.

Right. They're like, we are, it's like a citizen's arrest is something. Yeah, it's like it's the 70s again. Remember in the 70s there was crime? Yeah. There's no fucking crime anymore. No. Nobody gets robbed.

When's the last time you heard about somebody getting mugged? And so nowadays if you do get mugged, it's charming. Yeah. You give them the money. So this is like a good mugging. Yeah. Like LA Story, my name is Bob, I'll be your mugger for the evening. Hi, Bob. It's like, can I Bob. I'll be your mugger for the evening.

It's like, can I just... I need these cards and these IDs. Can I just... What are you on? I'm just going to Venmo you everything that's in my wallet, and then I'll just have this in case I need to keep this. Hassan Cable and the customer. It should be in your account. Look in your account right now. I feel bad. I'm a little low now.

Let's do a Kickstarter. Let's do a Kickstarter. Then, let's do a Kickstarter. Then let's shoot something so that that's the video that tells people what we're doing here. And then we'll put that in. And put it on YouTube. Maybe we'll get enough hits where we can get some advertising money on YouTube. I'm putting the crime on Patreon. Hey, guys, we're going to do a bonus crime every single week.

Every week we're going to do a little petty theft. And thank you for all the Patreon people who supported this crime. And we've got snapshots. to do a bonus crime every single week. Every week we're going to do a little petty theft for those. And thank you for all the Patreon people who supported this crime. And we've got snapshots. We'll sign them and send them out.

For sure. That's part of the Patreon. That's at level. Campbell and the customer briefly fought and Campbell was able to flee before deputies arrived. Deputies caught up

with Campbell on I-75 South and pursued his vehicle into Sumter County. The Sumter County Sheriff's Office. You never want to flee. No.

No. Fleeing is never, it's usually like, you know, you've got a goat and a chair and your family's walking home and they see you run by. You're like, oh, he's fleeing. Yeah. Right. He's, yeah. Fleeing.

You don't ask questions. Your hands have to be over your head. What was it? A tells joke? It's like you see a clown. No, you see a one-legged man with his pants down. Dick out, running down the street. You run with that man.

Because there is some scary shit coming behind him. You run with him. He said just a man running with his dick out. Like not, you know, just out. Run with that man. You sure that's not a Louis, you know, just out. Run with that man. You sure that's not a Louie joke? I don't know. I thought it was.

The Sumter County Sheriff's Office used stop sticks to disable Campbell's car and he was arrested. There's no independence for this guy. Metaphorically and literally, they have now stopped him. Mom, look at me. During a post-Miranda. Not only did he not bring any money home, he's going to jail. And when he gets out, he's got four flat tires. And he's got to live with his mom.

During a post-Miranda interview with Detective Lytle, Campbell asked for an attorney and then spontaneously uttered that he, that's Detective Lytle, was being a dick and he was trying to meet up with a relative to go to a strip club. No, you weren't. Guys. You're a big man. You're a big man, Hassan. Campbell then told the detective that his motive was to try and prove to his mother

that he was independent and could take care of himself. Which relative do you bring to a strip club? Not your niece. No, that's an uncle. That's an uncle. That's an uncle only you have a relationship with. Your mom and him are not speaking. Yeah, and he's on a first name basis with all the dancers.

Yeah, he's a strange uncle. Crystal, I brought in my nephew. Oh, this is the nephew you were telling me about. I've heard so much about you. Go get Desiree and Cheyenne. I want you to talk to these guys. Cheyenne, come here. It's him. Meet him. Oh, he's got it. His pecker's just like yours.

No, no, no. You don't have to do a dance room. Just meet him. She comes in and asks really specific questions about his life. Your mom's still riding you, Hassan? What? Hey, listen. I think you're independent. I've only met you for...

Did they fill in those potholes in front of your house? What? You know, philosophy's interesting, but you shouldn't major in it. Campbell was charged with attempted robbery, battery, and fleeing and eluding. He was being held in a Sumter County jail. Just because I think it's fun. I wasn't going to do this. How old do you guys think this guy is?

How old is a man who wants to prove to his mother he is independent? I know how old I want him to be. Right. Yeah. Now, 18 would obviously be like, that's prime. That's the underage. But if he's like 48. The Vegas Suds.

That's what I'm saying. If he's like really old, then he's got something to prove. Right. Right. Or like if it's psycho. You don't have to go first grade. I go last this time

because I went first last time. I'm saying it's psycho and he is his mom and they both run the hood. Same person. Okay. I'm going to guess crazyo and he is his mom and they both run the hood. Same person. I'm going to guess Crazy High just because.

I'm going to say 56. Jesus! I'm going to say 31. 31 years old. Still old! From Randy Sklar. I'm going 23. 23 years old. Me.

23 from Greg. 56. 31. One years old. And me. Okay, so 23 from Greg. 56. And 31. I know, 31. Okay. One of you is exactly right. Oh, shit! And you couldn't have a bigger range. Now,

we get to play the game. Who do you think is exactly right? I think Randy's in second place. Okay. I think Jay is out of the ballpark. I gotta go with me.

Okay, Greg says himself. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go with Greg. Okay. I think he's right. I'm gonna go with me. Okay. Tony's playing along

wherever you are before we get to a very weird third story. Because Hasan Campbell is 23 years old.

At least I had the ability to change course and admit that I was wrong and go in the right direction. Alright, 23 years old. Alright, there you go. That's story number two down in the books. Dan, give us just a little teaser of what we can hear. Probably the strangest assault we've had on this show. Oh man, I can't wait.

It's Dumb People Town. Fitz Dogg. Greg Fitzsimmons is with us. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the show. We got Fitz Dogg of Fitz Dogg Radio. It's really one of the greatest podcasts. And the other podcast that you do with Alison Rosen. Childish. Childish, where you talk about childcare. It's just what it is to be a parent. Your kids are older.

Her kids are younger. And also, it's not just for people with kids. If you were a kid, you had parents. Half our listeners don't have kids. Right, and there are people who are like, my parents treated me this way. Right. Yep, I love it.

Because parenting is a hot-but button issue all the way around like anything from were you vaccinated now we're into a serious discussion well that's what it is because we are in a a seismic shift in parenting right now where we have been for for three generations it went from kids are meant to be seen and not heard to heard but then hit and now in this generation it's like the argument is like are you shadow parenting are you not making are you not giving them enough drive are you coddling them are you are you listening to them too closely exactly are you giving them too much value the second story because that's your guys's hope right you want your kids to be independent yes that's the only so your kids are about an

off out into the world don't you want them to be able to stand on their own and do their own thing and be hungry and excited to accomplish things right yes which they're not going to be if they're sitting there watching netflix netflix feels great and if you let them just do that, that's what they're going to do. But if you say, no, shut that off. There's some fucking crayons in the back. Paintbrushes. Whatever. Go do something artistic.

Go play a sport. Get the fuck out of the house. That's when they're going to get excited about things in life. Yes. Great point. Agreed. And curse as much as you can when you're talking to, what, I'm assuming you were a three-year-old at that point.

All right, Dale, let's get into this last one. Here we go, ready? Yes. Oh, boy, here we go. German woman on train attacks worker in strangest way. Sent in by Josette Covington at Pure Josie. What a surprise that a German would attack someone. Especially on a train.

German on a train. I know. I'm already nervous. Already nervous. Don't like it. Police described the incident on the tram as unusual behavior the woman is now being investigated for assault a woman traveling without a ticket on a local tram line is being investigated for assault for spraying a

ticket controller with her breast milk german police said. That, so I don't know if your wife breastfed. Yeah, for two years. So we, some people can just make just gallons of it. Some women just, you make it, you freeze it, you've got it, you have it forever. It's probably, for those who could just make it very easily, there's probably still bags of it sitting in your outside fridge.

For other people, it's much more difficult, much more difficult. For whatever reason, maybe you're older. It's not – whatever reason, you can't produce it. For my wife, it was harder to do. And I just remember there was a time where she pumped the milk, like used the pump system to pump it, handed it to me to hold the bottle. The top wasn't screwed on and like an idiot in almost like a heartbone Marx moment, I tripped on

the rug and it just she had worked for an hour to make this. And just watching it. And I just looked up at the imaginary crane shot above me and I was like, No! And the cat was like, Yeah! The dog has licked that spot.

But is she squirting it from her breast? Yeah. Okay. Oh, man. My wife, two fucking years, she breastfed my son, which they say— She did it when he was 15 and 16. 15 and 16. That's the weird thing.

Start late. Well, you know, because oat milk was big, And he was like, I'm not feeling oat milk. She goes, hold on a second. And so she breastfed for two years, which people say like, well, it's really good for their immune system. She was like, I think at this point we can safely dunk them in a bucket of AIDS. Let's move on. So you're not worried about the... But has he been...

Is he a kid who got sick a lot? The coronavirus? But we live on the west side a kid who got sick a lot? The coronavirus? Did you... But we live on the west side of LA, so I don't think the coronavirus is coming. This is how afraid I am of the coronavirus. I think the IPA virus is coming. I was going to say,

this is how afraid I am of the coronavirus. I won't even drink a Pacifico. There it is. It's race to the same punchline. We both got there. The woman was traveling without a ticket. The woman was with a male companion in the western city of Gelsenkirchen on Saturday

when a ticket inspector requested their identification and told them to get off at the next stop. In German, she said, I got your ID right here. During the identification process, the woman exposed her breast and sprayed the ticket controller with breast milk. Which, by the way, if that happens to you, you can't get mad at that. That's not assault. That is not assault in any way, Shane. Come on. First of all, that's a lot of confidence to know that

that was going to work. You can block it very easily. What are you? You can't... And also, does she have... Take two steps back. It's not an interbralistic missile. How's it work? You're talking to the woman and you're like, what are you doing? Put your tit away. Hey, get away from me. What are you... Stop. There's a build-up to that, right? There are you doing? Put your tit away. Hey, get away from me. Hey. Stop. Yeah.

There's a buildup to that, right? There's not a fast tit out squeeze. Plus, that's a good looking tit. A tit that's producing milk is at its peak. It's as big as it's ever going to get. The nipple is red. It's out there. It's erect.

Take it in. It's like a water balloon that's perfectly filled to the right. But this to me is the natural version of the smell my flower old gag that every clown oh that's kind of that flower on your oh yeah yeah yeah well so he had to lean into it a little bit i don't know does she know her range she's had to have done this before right how would you know that that was going to work and you weren't going to get a little is this the type of gal that would show up at a carnival and be able to shoot a balloon down with it? You know what I mean?

She's winning the horse race. Just milk on that. No, she's filling a balloon. I brought my own. The surprise mother's milk diversion allowed the man traveling with her to flee the scene. So it was a distraction. A lot of fleeing. By the way, that's an unbelievable stream of breast milk

that this woman is able to produce. That he's like caught in a fire hose, like in the back ass. That he can escape. It's a stream of consciousness. It's milk of magnificence. I wonder if she's also a squirter. I guarantee she's a squirter as well. Yeah, probably.

Maybe. Can't everyone be a squirter if they try hard enough? There's a lot of theories on it. Alarmed police officers later arrived at the scene to find the woman resisting to provide her personal details, forcing police to pin her to the ground. I wish she had some DNA out there that we could use, too. Identifier. It's all over my face, Rich. Identifier. Don't wash could use, too. Identifier. It's all over my face, Rich. Identifier.

Don't wash it off, David. She was taken. It tastes so sweet. Have you had it? It tastes sweet. Lick my nose. She was taken to the police station and later released, but not before police initiated a criminal complaint for riding without a ticket.

That's what she got? Riding without a ticket. Yeah, I know. Riding without a ticket. So she didn't get nailed on the assault charge. She don't without a ticket yeah I know riding without a ticket so she didn't get nailed on the assault charge she don't have a ticket to ride and she don't care

she really does not can I tell you a breastfeeding story yeah please my wife and I when my son was about a year old we had not

spent a night alone since he was born and so my mother-in-law came out and it was our anniversary and she goes, I got you guys a room

at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina Del Rey, which is one mile from our house. She goes, you're not going to spend any time driving, commuting. You're just going to go to a hotel. You're going to have dinner

at the restaurant. What a nice gift. That's a great gift. That's a beautiful gift. Lovely. So we have a nice dinner. We take a walk on the beach. We go back to the room

and we make love. Gentle. Like you have a nice dinner. We take a walk on the beach. Beautiful. We go back to the room, and we make love. It's gentle, like you're in a swing. And at the end of it, we fall asleep in each other's arms, and I'm like, this is amazing. We're going to get up in the morning. We're going to do this all over again. Then we're going to have brunch, and we're going to go home. It's a wonderful night. 3 a.m.

I'm awoken by my wife's tears. She's crying. I'm like, do you miss Owen? What's going on? She goes, no, my breasts are engorged and I forgot to bring the pump. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. So you said, I'm just the man.

She said, we got to go home. I've got a pump or I've got to feed. I go. Feed me. Feed me. I go, I'll handle it. It's like a little shop go oh feed me feed me i go i'll handle it it's like a little shop of horrors i will fucking handle it i will i will if there's anything that wait hold on i need to know did you like did you latch on these old buick siphon it like like sucks well let me get to that so i'm trying to latch latching was difficult because you gotta go over the nipple

you gotta squeeze from further in and and it's over and a suck. Right. So she's instructing me. She's like, no, lower. No, and she's pushing the breast up. By the way, nothing sexier than your wife telling you you're doing something wrong. Like at 3 in the morning. At 3 in the morning.

Through her tears. And I try not to your question. I'm trying to suck and spit, but you lose your suction. Yeah. It's like siphoning. You have to maintain the pressure. So the gulping causes the next spritz. And at first, nothing's coming out.

And then all of a sudden, there was like a hard stream of this sweet, thick liquid. And I'm swallowing it. And I get one breast down. One down. One down. One breast down. I go to the second breast. One breast down.

And it's going really well. I'm getting excited. It's the porn version of Black Hawk. This is so funny. I start rubbing against her. We begin making love. While you're taking a breath. I got my neck craned down.

Luckily my cock is there. It's good.. I'm right. I got my neck craned down. Yeah. No. Luckily, my cock is good. There. It's good. And I'm making love. And by the end, I'm coming, she's coming. I got milk dribbling down my chin.

It was the most raw. That's intimate. It couldn't be more raw. Yeah. Every feeling, just raw. And then we passed out and we went home the next morning.

I saw my son. He's trying to tap that thing. It's empty. I'm like, sorry, pal. Should have been at the Ritz last night. By the way, this is exactly what your – was it your mom or who gave you this? Was it her mom? Her mom.

It's exactly what she envisioned when she gave you a night at Ritz. And by the way, I had diarrhea for like three days after that. But you haven't been sick since. You have not been sick. You have not had a cold in 18 years. Greg Fitzsimmons never gets a cold. I'm sorry, dude. What?

Is that our last story? That's all it took. And he's never been sick. Please tell me you tell this story on stage. No. I've told it on podcasts a couple times. You have told it on stage. You believe it is so good?

Would your wife let you tell that story? She doesn't give a shit. Bring the check home. That's all she cares about. Dude, I want that on stage. I'm going to do it in St. Louis. You would have just done it. By the time this comes out, you would have possibly seen him do that bit in St. Louis. Do it in Cap City.

Go see Greg. By the time he gets to Cap City, Which is next week He will have run it through the mill this week So the story will be ready You're going to see it I'm going to have somebody videotape it while I'm on stage And put it up That's the new thing the kids are doing right?

Put some stand up up on the Instagrams Greg Fitzsimmons thank you for joining us on the show Just like that Just like a breast relieved of its milk. The breasts are down. For those who thought this episode was a little racier than most, thank you, Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg Fitzsimmons comes in and spices things up.

This was fantastic. Go watch Greg. Go follow his podcast. Go follow him on the Instagram and the Twitter and everything. And then go see him live and go see us live. And, oh, shit, we need to get back to work. You guys are the best. Stick around.

Make a sound. Punk it down. It's Dumb People Town.