Dumb People Town - Henry Phillips - Oreo Speedwagon

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

Comedian and musician Henry Phillips (https://henryphillips.com/) stops by as Daniel describes why a pool in a luxury New York City condo has been pooped in, Jason explains how a man tried to sneak an invasive species of turtle through airport security in his pants, and Randy warns against getting shot by your dog in your sleep, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Chewy and Quince! Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to Chewy.com/DPT.  Stick to the staples that last—with elevated essentials from Quince. Go to Quince.com/DPT for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty-five -day returns.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price mail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Members, don't be a jerk, because when the music puts the money in, we are gonna take you down.

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conditions apply see site for complete details. Hey Totties welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population to you. Population Phillips. Henry Phillips. Welcome to the show dude. Good to be here. It's so good to see you. We hung out, we're spending time in St. Louis with you and on the golf course with you, we get you in the podcast studio and I'm so happy you're here with your fresh new kicks, which look amazing. Yeah.

You said you got these from Greg Warren. Yeah, Greg Warren. Hold on, kick him up high above the table so people can see him. He's like the king of St. Louis and the night that I hung out with you guys, we were at this amazing festival, the Puyallup. So Puyallup, you were there this amazing festival, the Puyallup. Puyallup, yeah.

You were there too? Yeah, yeah. And so, I was staying at Greg Warren's place, and I didn't realize this, but if you wear shoes for long enough, the back part, there's like a razor blade or something. Oh yeah, yeah. It just cuts into your heel.

I don't know who designed that feature, but if you wear it down enough. It pops in. Yeah, so I was at the comedy club at the Funny Bone, not the Westport one, the other one with Greg, and I'm standing around talking to people, and I just looked down and I had blood running down my foot. You're like Kurt Schilling all of a sudden.

I'm like, what in the heck? I'm literally injured with blood just from my shoe. And Greg's like, yeah, yeah, shoes will do that. And I'm like, really? Okay. And so he gave me these shoes, shoes and I've got nothing but compliments on them. And every time I get complimented on some kind of clothing, it's always something somebody else gave to you. It has nothing to do with your decision making. So it's a reaffirmation that your tastes suck.

Yeah. And now that I know that about myself, I'm accepting articles of clothing from people that wanna send it. Look right into your camera and tell them you need clothes. Your taste is better than mine. There you go, he said it. So people bring merch to your show. That's a good thing.

Yeah, exactly. I'm trying to sell merch and they're just bringing me stuff. And then they're like, hey, do you wanna get a picture in the merch I gave you? And you're like, yeah, I guess, sure. It's a charity event, basically. You'd look good in this. All right, here's the deal.

The world's getting dumber, Henry. We know this to be true. Our fans send in great stories that we then just riff on. So Daniel's got one, he's gonna jump right in. I do. Ready? Yes. I don't know that I've ever read a story from this person, but he is part of the Cannon of this show sent in by Charlie Shulman at monotone Charlie. Oh, yeah, Charlie sent it

Oh, you've never read one. We've read them before. Yeah, I don't have yeah. Okay. Thank you Charlie It comes from the New York Post so it's gonna definitely be punny. Just get ready You're not gonna like the right you're not gonna like the writing Henry pool This is the headline pool pooped in at luxury New York City condo. You don't want that. Here's the, let's get into it. People definitely didn't pay for that. Wait, wait, so pool pooped in,

they didn't phrase it like so-and-so pooped in the pool. No, but a pool was just pooped in. That conveniently leaves out the name. Right, so either it's an unsolved poop. Or someone the Post is trying to protect it. I mean, I wish there was someone- Somebody to DNA test it. The stool pigeon has landed in one crappy situation.

Oh my god. Shut up. Shut up, New York Post. Building management at the Rio. Funny, that's a luxury New York City apartment, but a- Has to do with Brazil. Rundown casino.

Oh, the Rio's. Building manager at the Rio, probably much better than the casino. Sure. A condo building at 304 East 65th Street. Put it on the walking tour. Where units sell for millions is accusing a resident of using the luxury building's pool

as a toilet, attorneys allege, and court documents submitted Wednesday. You don't have one camera on the pool? Yeah, that's a good question. It's so easy. Maybe people would find that creepy. What? At least for the entrance and exit.

Security camera on the pool? Sure. God forbid someone drowns somebody else, murder someone in that pool. After resident. Or just poops. Poops in it? After resident Helen Hirsch,

defecated in the fitness center's pool and then again in the fitness center's shower. Helen Hirsch? Helen. Helen Hirsch defecated in the fitness center's pool and then again in the fitness center's shower. Helen Hirsch? Helen. Helen Hirsch. What are you doing, Helen? The condominium was forced to shut down the fitness center's pool so that it could

be properly sanitized and to take the fitness center's. They gotta drain the entire pool. Shower out of use so that it could be cleaned and disinfected, the lawsuit filed in the works. What is wrong with Helen Hirsch? As far as showers go, pretty easy to clean out a shower with shit in it, right? Just cover the whole thing in soap and then wash it off.

Helen. Or give maybe a scrub. I loved Helen Hirsch in As Good As It Gets. Helen Hirsch. That's Helen Hunt. Oh, sorry. And Judd Hirsch. I loved Helen Hirsch in Ordinary People.

I loved Helen Hirsch in Dropping a Deuce. Yes, that she's the star of. Yeah. This was filed in the state supreme court, New York state supreme court. It's gone all the way to the top. Or bottom. Or bottom.

In addition to pooping in public, Hirsch also, quote, screams and makes loud noises while using the gym and the pool. Is it weird that I find the screaming in the gym as offensive as shitting in the pool? No, shut up while I'm on the... He's working hard. Noise pollution.

Noise pollution, yeah. Who doesn't have headphones in the gym? Do any of you belong to a gym here in LA? No, but I'm gonna start, I think I need to start. I'm gonna start belonging to a gym. I'm gonna come to my gym. There's a gym over by me. Go Tribe, it's one of the best,

I can't speak highly. Where is it? Like anything I say to it will be less than what to look like. Oh, that's not bad. You can go there. I should go. There's one that is over in Atwater.

And I was like, I can't believe, and I've said this on this podcast, how much in Atwater. Literally right over the bridge there. I can't believe how gyms have not updated since we went, like we're going to gyms in like, you know. Yeah, they're still, I mean. They're the same there. I can't believe how gyms have not updated since we went, like we're going to gyms in like, you know. Yeah, they're still, I mean. They're the same thing.

They're playing the same music. They're the same people are at the gym. Helen Hirsch is screaming in every single one of them. Why is Helen screaming, Henry? I've always heard in terms of gyms that you really don't need to go until you've already, there's so much you can do at home in terms of pushups, sit-ups and stuff

that before a gym is actually necessary. Gyms are the last. So that's my reason for not going to the gym. Break glass if too fast. To me, completely uneducated, I do have a trainer at my gym, her name is Kira, that's part of how the gym works, it's phenomenal. I could really do a full commercial,

I'll go train this. But to me, I think there's three types of fitness. There is exercise, and that is like, yeah, what can you do in your house? Just go for a walk. Especially if you can do it where there's an incline. That's gonna be amazing for your body. Then there's working out, which is like,

hey, you're gonna do this, this, and this today, and you need this equipment or this sort of stuff. And that can be really, really good for your body, especially if you're doing it correctly. this, and this today, and you need this equipment or this sort of stuff. And that can be really, really good for your body, especially if you're doing it correctly. And then the most one, which almost no one will ever do unless we get cast in something that requires training. Like you are training for something. And so GoTribe is just amazing, but you're exactly right.

If you just wanna exercise and get fit, you don't need, you can do a little band set and get 10 pound dumbbells. You can do so much. I've heard the same thing with finances. I'm terrible with finances, so nobody listen to what I'm about to say. Let the gym handle your finances? No, no.

It's called Henry coin. It's pointless to invest until you've paid off your debts because you're never gonna get as good of a return on your investment as you would from paying off the debt. I've heard somebody say that. So as a result, similar to the gym, I don't invest. I don't pay debts. I don't go to the gym.

I don't do anything. I don't buy my own shoes. They're all given to me. I just talk myself out of everything that's constructed. We'll get back into it. But the reason I ask is because I had four months where due to an injury, I couldn't go to my gym. And so I just was going to 24 hour fitness and that is a free for all.

Oh yeah. It is just, there's a, I'm not joking. At one point I like going to the sauna. There was a 12 year old in the sauna for like 30 minutes. I don't think this is good for your, there's people just like taking weights from the weight section, like into the pool, like running with dumbbells. Yes. At any point you never know know where any other thing is.

Helen Hirsch is yelling at people? Yes, there's people inventing new ways to use equipments. Some people are just using, some other doing pull-ups on a bench. It's wild, it's wild. So this is what's happening at the Rio as well. They take this all the way up to the Supreme Court. Sure, Albany.

Goes to Albany. She screams and makes loud noises while using the gym. And she failed on numerous occasions to wear proper attire in the gym, using the gym equipment while in a wet bathing suit and not wearing proper athletic footwear to shower before using or before using the pool. So she's in a wet swimsuit doing lap pulldowns.

Oh God, and on the bench just screaming at wet, screaming at everybody. Like she's exactly who you don't want in your job. I don't know. I don't even approach kicker out of the building. I mean, that is what these buildings can kick her out. Did you ever live in New York? Yeah. Yeah. I was born there. Oh geez. So like the doorman buildings or whatever, that if you have a building nice enough to have its own gym and its own pool in it, they are filled with rules. Oh yeah. You can't leave your mail here, you can't do this here.

Your boxes can't be left here. Right, like minute rules that you will make you upset. If you break them, you're gone. You're gone. Get them out. But they do want you to come to the waffle bar on Saturday. That's true, true, true, true. As a result, the board banned Hersh

from using the amenities, but she allegedly, love this, finagled, I think that's a plus one, I know. Finagled. I know, finagled. Her way back in by deceitfully obtaining a code access to the fitness center from a real estate broker who had been touring possible buyers through the building. This is unbelievable.

This woman is really. un-stoppable. Kick me out. Can't stop her from doing an extra set of, she's like Tom Cruise trying to get married again. Show it, go anyway. They changed the access code to keep her out and gave it to even realtors showing properties in the building, but not to Helen Hirsch.

She's hanging out outside the door. What was that code? You think she's like Jordan? She's like, I took that personal. They wouldn't give me to the exit school to the gym. I made that personal. That's personal to me. You don't wanna work out that way?

Don't work out that way. Michael Jordan understands, that's Michael Jordan. So she gets the real estate broker, she cons him into letting her in, all right? And then she even forced her way into the fitness center when another resident was exiting through the fitness center door. Okay, so you wait for someone to leave

and then you slide through. Yeah, that's not very, this isn't mission impossible. Right, it's forcing your way in. Defendant has called the police to the building when building staff had attempted to restrict her access to the fitness center. Right, dude, she is ruining the cops. And by the way, this is the thing,

for people in this building, this is the biggest problem of their life. 100%. We can't stop Helen, this is the thing that everyone's talking about, right? In this building. At the reception. I'm sure of it.

There's the notes. She to the doorman, Helen's up there again, she's back in the. There's notes in the mail room that are like, you know who, and they all know who they're talking about, and they leave notes for each other. Under their breath to the doorman, who gave her the code? Right, yeah, yeah.

Why did you give her the code? Did you hear she got the code? Yeah, did you hear that? Did you hear she got the code? Did you hear she got the code? And everyone knows what that means. Yeah, and is it actually, is it illegal to give the code to her?

Once somebody has not told you a code, is it the same as breaking in, for example, breaking an entry? That's such a good point. Somebody gave you the code, is it the same as breaking in, for example, breaking in and entering? That's such a good point. Somebody gave you the code and you used it. Then you're picking the locks so to say she sneakily got the code. Building resident of three years, Ian Montgomery, tells the Post that he's relieved that the

management is taking a hard line against messy circumstances which have become the talk of the town. Thank you. It's a really nice building, he said, noting that the slew of number twos unleashed an eruption of texts from curious friends. My wife and I have used the pool every day and I think this is the first poop incident that I've heard of.

Like, I even drink the pool water. Wait, hang on. He adds that he doesn't personally know Hirsch, but that, who does really, but is glad to see that the building has taken appropriate action in enforcing the rules of civility and hygiene in the building and recovering expenses Barry Margolis

Barry Margolis Own exercise equipment in his house that is just a coat rack. Yeah. Hello. I'm Barry Margolis Barry Margolis a condo and co-op law expert and the litigation department co-chair of Abrams Garfinkel Margolis and Bergson. There you go. Shout out to them. I was a big fan of their early stuff. I love their early work.

I love their jazz fusion work. He said he's not surprised this became a legal matter. When an amenity is compromised by the behavior or actions of a particular unit owner, it is important for board and management to address it. Hirsch, however, claims she's clean. No, never, she told the Daily Beast when asked about the defecation reputation. Do they have evidence?

Ridiculous, she said. I mean, she's going at it. Wait, defecation reputation, that was a schoolhouse rock. Yeah, yeah. Defecation reputation. I'm just a deuce, yes I'm only a deuce and I'm dropping right here in the pool. You're in this room. The woman noted that she has plans to counter Sue, you knew that was coming.

Oh yeah. That's coming. And believes building management is only on her case because she doesn't always tip building staff. So they're out to get her. So this is why she's saying everyone's blaming her. We're going to wrap it up. What's with all this tipping? She then said, why should I tip you all the time? I don't want to to get her. So this is why she's saying everyone's blaming her. We're gonna wrap it up. What's with all this tipping? She then said, why should I tip you all the time? I don't wanna live here anymore.

So she's now that Tim Robinson character in the old guy suit who's like, I don't even wanna do this anymore. Yes. At the mall. At the mall. At the mall. Yeah.

Allied partners who manage the condominium told the Post, no comment. Oh, I thought it was gonna be like, no, she's gone. She did it. She's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, she's gone. She's like, She's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, she's gone. She's like, you wanna see some shit? I'm gonna sue you.

Yeah, we'll show you some shit. We'll show you some shit. She's the number two offender in this building. We'll get out here this. How old is Helen Hirsch? Helen. Helen's in, a lot of people have kids that are named Helen now, but that's like going back.

So she's not, but those are kids. We know someone who's married to a Helen who's a year younger than us. Oh yeah, yeah, that is. I'm gonna say 75. 75. For having a family. 66.

69. 69, nice. 69, dude. 69, bro. All right, we'll leave it here. When we come back, I'll tell you what I'm up to. We'll talk about Henry's up too. The Sclar's have a great second story.

It'll be Jason teeing us off with that. Love it. But I can tell you first Helen Hirsch is 83 years I got a poop in as many pools as I can before I die No, I'm jealous cuz I'm just like I I don't have the energy for those types of fights Oh 55 right and she's now taking the fight to the. She's hitting the gym.

Most people can't drag themselves to the gym. She's fighting to get in. Good for her. It's amazing. All right, there we go. Story number one, down to the bugs. Henry Phillips is with us. We'll take a break and we'll come back here

and hear what Dan's going on right after this. It's Don People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. The great Henry Phillips is with us. We're gonna tell you how you can catch him, see him do his lovely and amazing and interesting and unique comedy that is only a brand of comedy that he can do.

But Daniel, first let us know where people can catch you. Go to danielvankirk.com. I don't know when this is dropping, but in April I'm in Milwaukee. And in May I am in DC and I'm in Janesville, Wisconsin and I'm headlining the Limestone Comedy Festival. I'm also going to be in Louisville at Planet of the Tapes and then we'll head into the rest of the summer where I'm going to be in Wisconsin, again in Green Lake and I'll be

in Portland. A whole bunch of great stuff, some NorCal stuff towards the end of the summer. Everything's at danielvankirk.com. And if you haven't checked out the Midnight Air, which is my weekly overnight radio podcast where I just talk about fun stuff to give you some company or help you fall asleep, you should check it out. It's The Midnight Air. It drops every Monday night right here

on All Things Comedy. I love it. Henry, I know you have a great date coming up in June that you're doing a live in Illinois. Let people know about it. First off, that sounds awesome. I don't travel as much as I used to, but I used to love all those spots,

love the limestone. Do you rent a car when you go out there? It depends. Sometimes, because my family's in Rochelle, Illinois, which is near Chicago. So sometimes I'll fly into there and then just sort of drive wherever I need to and then end up drop the car back off my hometown

and then fly out of Chicago. I love those. I've seen so much of the country that way. I have one gig at the moment, Naperville, Illinois. It's a lot of my people out that way. It's a suburb of Chicago, I did it last year and I'm not lying, it was just about the most fun gig that I've done in a long time. One of my best friends lives in Naperville,

I'll tell him, Jeff Chase. Yeah, please do. Yeah, it's just this bar called me up and they said, hey, we like what you do and we'd like to have you do a show. And I'm like, that's probably, you're always gonna get a better situation that way. When they want you to seek you out. Trying to muscle your way into something

that they don't want you. Of course. So. Danny's bar. We had a great time. The show was fantastic. I was incredible. you. Of course. So, um. Danny's Bar. We had a great time. The show was fantastic. The, I was incredible. I was great.

On fire. And afterward we did karaoke and hung out with all the people in the audience. That's awesome. Had a great time. So fun. It's at Danny's Bar, right? Yeah, and it's in Naperville, Illinois, June 28th.

You can go to henryphillips.com and check out the tour. And I'll also be putting whatever else comes up there. Henry Phillips dot com. Henry Phillips dot com. Do it. Jay jump in. Here we go. This was sent in by Josh Mawat.

Great. Jay Mawat. Man tried to sneak invasive turtle through airport security in his pants. TSA said. I hope it bit him. That's. Invasive turtle. Not a regular, not a snapping turtle.

By the way, I've seen those videos where the snapping turtle is just sitting in front of something and there's like a big animal in front of it and it's just like, and it takes the whole thing in like one scoop. Oh my god. Eats the whole thing. They can be violent. Yeah, snapping turtles are mean. I don't know if this is a snapping turtle.

Why would you put a snapping turtle? An invasive turtle! No turtle wants to be in your pants. No, no. Can we just honestly say that? Unless it's the turtle from Entourage. Right, he wants to be in your pants. Yeah, then I have a lot of beast stories.

The turtle from Entourage or the turtle from Entourage? Just turtle, all right. A Pennsylvania man was caught trying to carry a live turtle through airport security by hiding the reptile in his pants the Transportation Security Administration said on Tuesday. That's just TSA. How do you see that? Cause I understand when your bag goes through

the x-ray thing. Yeah, he must have gone through body scan. Right. Cause if you go through metal, you're fine. Yeah. This is why you gotta be TSA pre-checked. You wanna sneak that turtle through? Pay for the pre-check.

A man who has not been identified was flagged last week when he went through a body scanner. Daniel, nice work. There you go, Dan. At Newark's Liberty International Airport in New Jersey, the security agency said in a news release, TSA officer conducted a pat down of the man's groin area and he just determined there was something, he knocked.

What, are you wearing a cup? What's happening here? So he should have put it in the back. Thank you! Yes. You got a little chunk in your trunk? You got a little shell in your snow? But the, yeah.

I don't know. I mean, yeah, he put it in the wrong place. But he really could say if he put it in the back back there that he was turtling. He's leaving out of LaGuardia? No, Newark. This is Newark. Newark.

So he wants to take his pet turtle with him? I guess. Here's my question, if you had the turtle in a little carrier. Yeah, if you cleared it all, would anybody care? But why do you not want to? Who would ask if you had a turtle in a carrier? No one's gonna be mad at that.

What do they think, the turtle's gonna go crazy on the flight and start attacking people? Maybe he didn't realize that it was perfectly legal to bring your turtle. So there's that thing where you're hiding something that isn't contraband, but you are still super guilty. You get busted for it. Wow.

What's in your pants, sir? Nothing. Popcorn I purchased at the airport. Don't keep it in your pants, why are you hiding it? Here we go. When asked if he was hiding something, the man reached down the front of his pants and pulled out a live turtle.

Hang on a second. He didn't even fight. Is this your turtle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, you got me. Ah, the rules is up. The truth is they probably were like, what is in there? Well, it showed up on the scan,

and then they have to pat you down to see what that mask was. Jesus Christ. They said, is that a turtle in your pants or are you just excited to see it? Barely excited to see it. Can I just, when you hear these stories, it's funny because we always try to picture the person.

I always picture someone maybe like me or whatever. But then sometimes you'll either get audio or like at the end of the true crime things and you see the pictures of the people and you're like, oh, well of course. But it's like, I'm picturing, like, you know, maybe Greg Warren and I are on a road trip or whatever, or we're at the airport,

and I'm like, you know, I think I'm gonna bring my turtle. He's like, well, you can't put it through. Yeah, you can't, or will they let you? I don't know, and I go, well, just in case. Put it in your pants, Henry. Put it in my pants. No. I'm trying to figure out how that conversation

doesn't sound crazy to somebody. Who said that's a good idea? Who okayed it? Yeah. Also, I'm sure if we saw the guy, we'd be like, oh, well, of course he's putting it in turtles. Dude, you gotta put it in your pants in the Lyft or the Uber ride over there,

because if you're doing it in the airport anywhere, people are gonna see it. Yeah. Yeah, that's true too. Feels weird unless it's just you're trying to. This is probably a deal where he's trying to sell it. Yeah. Or breed it. The rept unless it's just you're trying to. This is probably a deal where he's trying to sell it. Yeah, maybe. Or breed it.

The reptile was wrapped in a small blue towel. Officials estimated the turtle to be about how many inches long? Okay. 10? We gotta guess. I'm gonna go small. I'm gonna go very small.

I'm gonna say four inches. I'll say 10. I'll say eight. One of you is one inch off. Nine. Switch, go up or down. Seven. This turtle, Danny went the wrong way. Nine. Switch, go up or down. Seven. This turtle, Danny went the wrong way.

Five inches long. Oh, there you go. A man, it's only this long, by the way. The man allegedly told officials the reptile was a red-eared slider turtle. Maybe that's, I don't know. Is that what that is? I don't even know if that's a classification of a turtle.

How do you, this type of turtle is- TSA is like, whatever you say, man. Yeah, sure. Is native to the Mississippi River area. Isn't the Mississippi River go up and down the entire United States? Oh yeah, that area. That area, sure.

That starts in Minnesota, ends in Baton Rouge. 10 states and delta, yeah. You mean people in sweaters up north and then people in New Orleans? Who are in shorts. According to the National Invasive Species Information Center, who works there? Probably not very many people.

It's a popular pet, but it's one of the most invasive species in the world because owners often release them into the wild according to the National Mississippi River Museum and Aquarium. Turtles can live between how many years? That's a 10 year difference. Can I tell you this? That one of my youngest daughter's best friend, Luna,

her family has a turtle in there and like in the aquarium. And it is the coolest thing ever. And it is like, it's so responsive and like, she just swims around but like, you come over to the thing and she swims up to the edge. It's like, they're very responsive and very cool animals. I feel like they have long lives. How long you think?

Five years? I'm gonna say 20 and 30. I thought they were. Depends on the species. They're having some are like 100. Well no, the old big tortoises. Okay, so when I was in Florida visiting my wife's parents, like I saw a huge tortoise like the size of this table.

I mean it was enormous. It was so cool and it was in the road and I picked it up and moved it to like the side So we just go off the thing but it was like I mean it was beautiful like it had like You know four quadrants on the back of the yeah, yeah, beautiful. That's Five to fifteen Guess five to fifteen ten year split five to fifteen you say twenty to thirty. I to 15, 10 year split. So five to 15, you say 20 to 30. I'll go with eight. Eight to 18, okay.

Daniel's exactly right, 20 to 30. Hey, hey. Very nice. And they're named for longer than a dog. I mean like cat, right? Cats can live to be like 24, right? Yeah, yeah. Named for a distinctive reddish stripe behind each eye.

Red-eared slider churros can weigh up to how many pounds? Well, if it's only five, is that a baby? Yeah, it can go up to 11, five to 11 inches. So it can weigh up to how many pounds? Two pounds. Eight pounds? You're right, Randy, two pounds. I'm sorry, I jumped you on that.

Jump, well, that's all right, I was just gonna throw a number. Port Authority police questioned the man and took possession of the turtle. Why are they taking it away? They indicate they're gonna release it in the wild. They would contact the US Fish and Wildlife Service and local animal control officials.

They're gonna get this turtle to the Mississippi. Get him. That's right. As best they could tell, the turtle was not harmed by the man's action. Although it is. Turtle does not wanna be down in your pants. It is.

What did that turtle see? The man missed his flight and was exported from the checkpoint by police. The agency did not say if he would face charges. Carter said he believed this was the first time a case like this had occurred. We've seen travelers try to conceal knives, other weapons in their person, in their shoes, in their luggage. However, I believe this is the first time we came across someone concealing a live animal

down the front of his pants. Maybe this is how he's getting off. I mean, so the weight, are they saying that they've concealed him down the back of their pants? Yeah, because they were very specific about that. Yeah, the front of their pants. Front? Yeah, we've seen the front. Seen it all in the back.

I've seen, I can't tell you how many kimono dragons we've seen, so I'm gonna slip in the back door. In 2024, TSA stopped a traveler from bringing a bag of snakes on board a plane. Oh yeah, bag of snakes. That's literally the movie. That literally is the movie. In 2023, Miami airport officials confiscated a bag of smuggled Amazon

parrot eggs and live birds after they heard chirping come from a duffle bag. Okay. Oh my God. If your duffle bag is chirping, you might be smuggling an animal in the airport and that's it. Sometimes you have to fly private. Right, or just drive. It is enough to make a guidebook. Or just drive. Yeah, going back, this is why the road trips are the best.

Yeah, exactly. You don't have to do it. Bring whatever you want. Yeah. Just drive, that's all it is. Well, that's a cute little turtle. All right, there's story notes. Give us a little teaser clip.

We have, speaking of animals, the animals get their revenge in story three. Yes! There you go, or so a man claims. Henry Phillips was with us. We'll talk about what we have going on in Stump People Town. We'll be right back.

Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dump People Town. So I'm watching this dog. We're watching it for a couple months. And I feel like in some ways I'm auditioning to be the parent of this dog. Well, you get that, right? You kind of are doing a good job. Well, I love her so much ways I'm auditioning to be the parent of this dog. Well, you get that. You kind of are doing a good job.

Well, I love her so much and I'm Googling things that I, because it's been a while since I've had a pet and I'm like, can dogs... What does it mean when she cocks her head this way? Right. Can they eat watermelons? Like what are the, I know they can't eat chocolate. They can't eat watermelons. I know they can't eat turkey. I don't know.

I'm like, I'm getting all the things, but what I want to be is like, I want to be on top of it. I want enough food and when the food runs out, I want to get new food. wanna be on top of it. I want enough food, and when the food runs, I wanna get new food. Flea meds if you need. Toys if she needs toys. The treats that I give her every night after she goes in the yard and does her things,

I want her to be happy and to get what she needs, and I want her to be my dog. Well thankfully, this podcast is sponsored by our good friends at Chewy. I love Chewy so much with over 100,000 products from top pet brands, and I know. You mentioned this, yes. Chewy makes it easy to find everything from food to treats to beds to toys,

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Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into story three, and before we tell you what we have going on Jay we were talking about jet skiing down the Mississippi I do I think can I enjoy them for a part of it I do want to like go jet skiing with my son like in some nice vacation place go to the Ozarks I know the Ozarks great to do it there would think maybe a lake would be safer, right? Lake? Yeah, yeah, 100%.

Let's do the Ozarks. Jen's a jet so. Or another river. Have you taken your kids to the Ozarks? Uh, we have. You have, I haven't. We were at the Ozarks and we were at the pool. The horny toad?

No, we were at the pool in the, where we were at the, not, it wasn't Tantara, in the condo. And a woman came up to us and she was bleeding at the pool and she asked on her leg and she asked us if she could use our phone. And we said, no, our phone doesn't work. And then we made a phone call.

My answer would be on speaker and I'll dial. I mean, what's the difference, right? Yeah, no, that's not a bad idea. On speaker and I'll dial. I mean, what's the difference, right? Yeah, no, that's not a bad idea. On speaker and I'll dial. Because you're never seeing that phone again. All right, let's just say this last story. Before we get to that, we should let people know what we have going on.

If this is happening, I'm assuming. Can I just see you guys move some date to the fall? Yeah, so our Raleigh date got moved. I'm sorry to the Raleigh. We're supposed to do the Rialto Theater as part of this cancer benefit. They wanted to make sure they could sell it out. And so it's not just us on the show. It's a bunch of other people to the reality. We're supposed to do the Rialto Theater as part of this cancer benefit. They wanted to make sure they could sell it out. And so it's not just us on the show.

It's a bunch of other people on the show. They decided more ramp up time. Yeah, for sure. More ramp up time. So it's gonna be in the fall, probably September. Mid-September. But we are gonna be in May at the Historic Everett Theater. We were trying to maybe pair another date alongside that, which would be fantastic up in the Pacific Northwest,

but we'll be at the Historic Everett theater, which is awesome. I mean, like May 17th, Saturday night. And then June 13th we'll be at the Pendry hotel down in Newport Beach, which is a great little room down there. You know what we should try and do? We should try and do a bell house this year. Yeah, I would love to. Maybe bell in the fall. Yeah, I would love it. I love it.

Especially if you guys are on the East Coast already. Yeah, if we do that theater in Fairfield, Connecticut, we might be able to bell house around that. I will also say, anybody who is ever interested in hearing the scholars and us talk about what we should do or our lives should be listening to our Patreon. Our Patreon is so much fun. This is like we have these behind the curtain conversations.

Oh, it's just. Because what we really should do is work it out. It's like the lights are off. We should work it out that like I'm in Boston and you guys are in like DC or New York and then we meet up on like a Sunday, do a live dump. We should get better about that. Like you've already did it four times a year.

You ready for this? If you just need to find a city between Boston and DC, I don't know if you can. There's none. I don't think there is one, but we'll keep looking. Yeah, you could find something. All right, I did not write down who sent this in and I'm really sorry for the person Mad all right you ready for this here story number three man claims. He was shot by his dog while lying in bed Teach you to put a turtle in your pants claims. That's so much worse dog a my homework. This means

Unmarried. Yeah. He shot himself. I was gonna say sleeps with gun on his bed, dog jumps on the bed. It goes off. Memphis, Tennessee. Sounds about right. A man claimed that he was shot by his dog

while lying in bed Monday morning. It is a boxer. It tried to jack him in the face. That's right. The Memphis Police Department responded to the Axel injury call in the 700 block of Whitney Avenue before what time? Nine a.m. Seven.

P.M. Five a.m. Okay. One of you is one hour off. Eight a.m. Oh no, one of us. That's weird. Tonight's six a.m.

I'll say 10. Four. Okay, get your answers in, townies. Just before say 10. Four. Okay. Get your answers in townies. Just before 4 AM. Yeah, it couldn't have been me because I was in between. Gerald Kirkwood. J E R A L D. Gerald Kirkwood. J E R A L D. Gerald Kirkwood sounds like a Cone Brothers character. I'm saying it's Gerald, you are right. He goes by Gerald. No, no, I think you're right, that he goes by Gerald.

But if you look at that and you really try, it's Gerald. Gerald, Gerald. Sounds like a character from Superman. That's like Superman's uncle. Gerald Kirkwood told police he was lying in bed with his female friend. I was lying in bed. Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

Is his female friend a dog? Jesus Christ. I'm in bed with this bitch. You mean your dog? No, my female friend. Oh, okay. I'm sorry I humble friend a dog Jesus I'm in bed with this bitch. You mean your dog. No my female friend I I owe this man an apology for thinking he was in bed alone. Well you said unmarried. It's still you're right When his dog what Dan jumped up on the jump on the bed Oreo How old pitbull I love this dog how old is the Oreo the How old pitbull I love this dog how old is the Oreo the Oreo dog for how old is how old is Oreo a black and white call?

I'm gonna definitively say Oreo is 9 9. What do you think Oreo is? What'd you say for? I was gonna say 3 I'll say Oreo is 6 ok get your answers in town He's cuz Oreo only one but even better better. The one year old pit bull allegedly. Calling like double stuff. Allegedly got his paw stuck in the trigger guard. Why is your gun on your bed? What in the world are you doing with it? Now that is the real. That is the question.

Coen Brothers, that's the Coen Brothers question in this story. Like what's going on? He hit the trigger, Kirkwood was grazed by a bullet. He got lucky. In the top of his left thigh. Shouldn't a bullet in the top of his left thigh. Shouldn't it be on the top of his left thigh? Grazed on the top of your left thigh.

He sleeps with his guns pointing into his balls. Like what are you doing, you dummy? Reports. Safety off as well. Okay, so here's where the story, you're like, oh okay, if that's what happened, and Oreo jumped on the bed and the paw got stuck in the trigger, you're like, that's what happened and Oreo jumped on the bed and the paw got stuck in the finger, you're like, ah, that's what happened.

Then things happen. Oreo, whoa, Oreo. Then things happen where you're like, that's not what happened. Whoa, Oreo. All right. Dun-da-da-da-da. Oreo.

Oreo Speedwagon. Oreo Speedwagon. Henry for the win. I'm gonna keep on shooting you Cuz is the Oreo thing to do I don't wanna bark Can't stop that song With the toothpaste back in the queue The bond shoots you. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tooth.

That's a good one. Okay, so where's the lie start? Words say the female friend left the scene after the accidental shooting. Yeah, red flag. And took the gun with her. Good. Good. You know what?

After an accident, you want to just get rid of the evidence. I will say, we started this podcast, that we're actually coming up on one of our anniversaries right now, we started this podcast, I believe, in April of 2012. Yes. I don't know that we've ever done a story where a woman accidentally shot herself. So I'm glad she took the gun. She took the gun.

Because it's always a guy, accidentally or on purpose, shooting himself in the leg. The victim was taken to regional one in non-critical condition. It's crazy. Quote, there a free freak accident, freak incident. Wasn't accident too. No, it was an incident. Freak incident. It's a super freak and incident. She jumped up. The dog jumped up and caused the gun to discharge.

Anytime you have to like really explain what happened in crazy detail. Are you ready for this? This makes why, this makes it weird now too. There was a freak incident quote, and the dog jumped up and caused the gun to discharge, said a friend of the wounded man. So now, other people who were not there are starting, this is what happened. Dog jumped on the bed, discharged the thing.

Where's the gun? I don't know. The woman took it. She's got it. Sounds like the new testament. Now what's the news source on this? I don't know. The woman took it. She's got it. Sounds like the new testament. Now what's the news source on this? I'm just curious. I'll get it.

W-R-E-G. W-R-E-G. Said a friend of the, like that just doesn't sound like responsible. Heard it from a friend who, Nice. Heard it from a friend who, Heard it from another that her dog shot her.

All right, the friend said that the pit bull is really friendly and that his friend is fine. Of course he is. Oreo Speedwagon. That's the name of this episode. Oreo Speedwagon is the name of this episode. Every song that comes out about this story is an Oreo Speedwagon.

Wait, what did they say? The friend said that the pit bull is really friendly and that his friend is fine. Yeah, it's a great. My friend said that the pit bull is really friendly and that his friend is fine. Yeah, it's a great. My friend's fine, it's a really friendly, why can't we talk directly to him? I don't know. The WREG.

You know what, we were casting a lot of aspersions. She took the gun, it could have been her gun, and he didn't know the gun was even in the bed. What? Then you would be like, what the fuck? Who did that? The WREG reporter visited the house on Monday and was told the victim was not there,

but the dog named Oreo was. I wanna meet Oreo. Oreo's like out, Oreo's like, why did you drag me into your crazy sex stuff? I just want fans of ours to make like the crazy, make, give me some Oreo artwork. Yeah. Right?

I was also gonna say from now on, anybody who submits stories, feel free to include a picture of your pet and I may start showing people's pets. But yeah, Oreo, an Oreo pie the whole time, one years old, the whole time thinks this is the most fun they've had. Loves the sight.

Oh yeah. Like as the gun goes off, they're barking, everybody's jumping around. They're like, yeah, what are we doing? All the people coming they've had. Loves the site. Oh yeah. Like as the gun goes off, they're barking, everybody's jumping around. They're like, yeah, what are we doing? All the people coming in. Yeah, it's like fun. This is a dog's dream. This is so great.

It's exciting, it's so fun. It's so fun, more people to play with. Yeah. Am I a good girl? Am I a good girl? Yes, you are, Oreo. It's a boy, good boy. Number one, number two.

I found it too. This is how he got neutered. I found a TikTok of dogs saying, I love you. Yeah, cats do it too. Just, I love you. Yeah, cats do it too. Just, I love you. So now I am trying. You think you can teach your dogs. Think I can teach my dogs to do it.

And I can't. So every day I say to my dogs over and over. I love you. I love you. Trying to get a little mimic action on. But your dogs don't really howl much do they? They don't, but I'm like, why can't you say it? Then you get mad at them.

I get mad at them. but how did the first person who got his dog do that? What do you think of the people that do the buttons? Where the animals say things? I think some dogs just are more prone to making those types of noises. I mean, I think that my cat has made noises like that. That I might, true is that.

I know. Nice shoes, Henry. But cats, you'd be absolutely fooling yourself if you thought you Yeah, yeah, they just Like you'll be like to like your cat you'll be like hi I'm gonna go Yeah, well know they'll give you almost the same. Yeah back that you gave them. I'm not joking no no this is a very This this will support your point, because I've had dogs my whole life, and dogs, if you close a door on them,

they'll just be like, come on, let me get in there. And then you just try to get in there. Cats are like, whatever. The cat will literally just sit there and do nothing, and just wait for the door, because he knows that eventually the door's gonna open. And then one time I saw the cat just waiting there and I opened the door and it literally just went,

meh, and then went, like I was like, did you just say thank you? I think he just said thanks. Well, it was amazing. I mean the- Do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Meow. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Meow. I've got eyes on Oreo, guys. You got eyes on Oreo? I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the...

I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the...

I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the...

I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I mean the... I know what I was doing. There's no way that dog shot anyone. This bitch shot her dude and she shot him.

She blamed the dog. Don't you blame this dog. That's right. They must have been. Now one thing that's cool is a lot of these stories, not all of them, and maybe not even this one, but I'm just like, this is probably a way, this will never happen to me.

This is one thing, because I have plenty of things to worry about, but I don't have to worry about this particular situation. You don't have this kind of dog and you don't have a gun and you don't. Yeah, yeah. And no one's bringing a gun in your back. I just wouldn't be in that,

unless I were very lonely and had a one night stand, maybe in Naperville. Yeah, you know. And somebody had a gun in my back. Brought a gun into the party. I can't vet who's gonna be, I would be sleeping with. Yeah, that's true. But generally speaking, I think I'm safe

from this particular form of death. I think you have to assume that someone's gonna bring a gun to a Naperville one night stand. That's true. Oreo's amazing, Henry Phillips is amazing. Oreo Speedwagon! Oreo Speedwagon, it's the greatest thing ever. This is Don Puebletown, it's the greatest 40 to 45 minute romp ever.

We live in it, we love it, come support all of us, see us all when we do live stuff. We love you guys and no snap, we gotta get back to work. Peace. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dump People Town.