Dumb People Town - Jena Friedman - Unhappy Ending

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

Comedian and writer Jena Friedman (Tour) stops by and Gareth Reynolds from The Dollop (Tour) fills in for Daniel as Jason describes how a drunk man apologized and returned stolen mandolins, Randy explains why a woman tried to be a mermaid after attacking a deputy, and Gareth warns pooping at police, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: BetterHelp and Quince! Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/DPT. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com/DPT for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

On today's very special episode of Dumb People Town, we got stolen mandolins, we got a mermaid, and we got loose cheeks. And they sink ships. I will tell you, it's insane. Guest hosting with us is Gareth Reynolds from The Dallup. And our guest, Jenna Friedman, joins us. And it's a crazy romp through Madnits. It's Dumb People Town. Check it out.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of Coke so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose will make the news. Breaking down each epic bail in Florida. Half price bail, I'm happy to say they. Good in. Listen to our podcast, with co-host our man, Dan. Dunders, don't be a jerk. Because when the music,

make a sound, hunger down. It's Dumb People Town. Hey, Tadies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population. Population Reynolds Friedman. Gareth Reynolds, Jenna Friedman, this is your chime to have, like, the great debate that we always thought you would have.

Go. Fight each other. Go. What do you have to say about yourself? No, let us explain what's happening around here. Dan Van Kirk, the great Dan Van Kirk, our co-host, who we love so much, booked a little thing on a show. We're not allowed to say what show it is.

He'll explain what it is when the time is right. It is a very great show, and I'm very excited that he is shooting something on it. Very happy. He's out of town shooting it. And so while he's there, we were lucky enough to secure. To secure. Gareth Reynolds from the great podcast, the Dallop, one of our favorites. It is, I would say, Dumb People Town,

adjacent or we're dollop adjacent. We all study idiots. Right. Different timelines. You study historical idiots. Correct. And we study idiots. And I'm a current idiot.

And we do that. On our podcast. That's right. That's right. Jennifer Freeman are the great Jennifer Freeman, who Jay and I got to know through working on the Kevin Hart Show, Kevin Hart and Keenton, some good sports show, just one of our favorite people.

I'm like, why have we not been friends? We are now friends. This is a wonderful... We saw you do stand up and crush it. So funny. Just a wonderful writer. producer on the daily show, had her own show. And so we're just very excited that you are here with us that we can sort of look at the

world of dumb and try to understand it. We really have some understanding from why is the world. World is getting dumber. The only way to fight back is comedy. That's the way we see it. It's expanding too, which is good for you guys. Yeah. Business is booming, as we would say.

And so we get our fans send us stories and then we get into them. And I have a story, you have a story. And Dan prepared a story for you to do for us, Gareth. And you just get to sit along. And you sit in the comedy, hand, and then we get into them. and just join us when you can. All right? Perfect.

I love it. Okay, here we go. I'll do the first story. Sent in by Alvin Cadabay. We always say this. I love Easter time when the Cadabay eggs come out. It's really helpful. And you love eggs.

I love eggs. Not chocolate ones. Just the standard. The Cadabay egg is a hard-billed egg shell on the outside and then inside is chocolate. I'll make it work. What if we met Alvin Cadabay up in Portland. He's the nicest guy in the world and he is in charge of all chocolate. Here we go.

This is it. The headline is, sorry I've been drunk, thief returned stolen mandolins to New Jersey guitar store with apology note. Did anyone see this? No. This is a two-part story. So was it Bruce Hornsby? Listen to the mandolin, Ray?

No, he took the mandolins. He's like, that's just the way it is, bitch. Some things will never change. Do you remember Bruce Hornsby? No, she's too young. You don't. Do you remember Bruce Hornsby? I do, but I like this young angle, so no.

I'm too young. You're too young. You're just a baby. Bruce Hornsby did a song called That's Just the Way It is. He later another song called Mandolin Rain. Walking in Memphis? No. That was Mark Cohen.

Not a Jew, Mark Cohen. I sat next to him on a flight. Did you? Wow. Right after he left his. Wife? Oh, alcoholic. She was having.

Oh. Yeah. So you got an earful from that. I got an earful. What did he say? He said, that he was walking in Memphis. He had to get away from this strong thing.

The whole conversation with his eyes. And he boarded a train. Boiled in the plane. Touchdown in the ball of the blues right next to Jennifer. He worked on the daily show. He was singing your life to you. Yeah, it was wild. You're like, this is really weird.

Can I get someone else? She was the problem, you say? Yeah. It was years ago. And I'm sitting next to a Jewish. Hey. He's Jewish. Mark Cohen.

No, I don't think it's C-O-E-N. The cheating one. It's not. Lou Pohl. It's not Cohen. But I still, maybe that was it and his stage name is Cohen. It's true. Coen.

He could have, he could be running from. Are the Coe's Jewish? Joel and Ethan One of them. Converted? Yeah, one converted. Two Judaism. One converted just to piss off Francis McDormon.

Here we go. Who was like, I'm not Jewish. And he's like, well, but I'm going to convert. That's my simple plan. I'm a simple man. In a sobering decision, one drunk thief, apparently one drunk thief. That sounds like Mark Cohen's brother's movie. The Coen Brothers movie, one drunk thief.

Yeah. Apparently changed his tune. Bill Paxton is one drunk thief. I passed away. What? And he's still starring in movies? Wow. And we can't even get on cast a movie?

He's so, he's that good. He is really that good. They're like, who we're going to go with? We need a Bill Paxton type. Apparently changed his tune, Boo. And returned two mandolins that he had previously stolen according to the owner of a New Jersey vintage guitar store. So there was a video that we went out and it was pretty viral where a guy comes in in a with a big coat,

uh-huh, stuffs two mandolins in his coat. Well, he's not going to stuff two cellos in there. It's fair. He had to make a choice. This is like a Jersey man story. I like Jersey man. It's not a Florida man.

It's a jersey man. They, you know, they make amends for their discussions. Jersey men come to their senses is what you're doing. I do think my cello, my choice could be a new like rallying crime. As you're getting caught shoplifting. My cello, my choice. Not how it works.

This is guitar center. C-H-E-L-L-O. It's CEO. Cello. In a social media post Friday, Lark Street music said that the two previously stolen mandolins, a small guitar-like instrument in the Lute family.

Thank you. Thanks. Thanks for that. We don't know what a mandolin is. He's like, God, what did he steal? Is that like a monkey? A slicer? He's saying, manor, I don't know what it is.

A slicer. A pangolin. It spreads viruses. A pangolin. Yeah. We're going to get a pandemic if we're not careful. Right? Get that pangolin.

out of here. Had been returned to the store with a handwritten note, partly in all caps that read, sorry, I've been drunk, Merry Christmas, you're a good man. You're still drunk. You're still drunk. If that's what you're writing partially in all caps, you're still drunk. Who writes in all caps? I don't think you can.

That's what I was thinking. Yelling in all caps. Yeah. I don't think we had caps. Our Aunt Rita used to say. Sorry, I've been drunk. It works for most things. Our Aunt Rita, who once famously said to us, you know who I don't like?

We're like, who Aunt Rita? Who don't you like? and please don't say a whole group or race. Just make it one person. She said, you know who I don't like? We're like who. She's like that Jay Leno. We're like, who's only read it but never heard it?

Because it looks like Reno, but you would have to never have heard his name, not once. How far removed from popular culture are you that you've never heard? You only read it and that's what you think it is. Well, to not like him, you would think you would have to know. enough to know how to pronounce it. I don't even want to pronounce it. She tunes into the show after minute two.

Yeah. I like you, Banks. Yeah. But she sees it. Lino. The tonight show with Jay Leno. Wait, Jay, you met Jay Leno in the... I talked to him briefly, but you had a conversation with Jay.

I had a long conversation with him at the comedy store. Talk to me. About Aunt Rita? No, we should have told him that story. He would have freaking loved that story. He probably would have. Or hated it. Or he loved or hated it.

I couldn't tell. I just had a whole conversation with him about like the love of doing it. I'm like, it's so cool that you're doing this again here at like the comedy store. I was like, it's so cool that you're not dead. Yeah, I was like, how'd you not die, 80 car accidents? How did you not fall down the stairs to get into this room? No, but it was really interesting. And I'm like, that's incredible that you still want to do.

The empty pit inside you that you have to keep doing stand-up. Money won't fill. Money won't fill it. Money, cars, nothing will fill it. Love, nothing. Yeah, yeah, it's been really hard. Yeah, it's been really hard. All right, see you later.

It's been really weird. That is part of one of my favorite Carith Reynolds clips ever. I was just thinking of my head. I can't do more Leno. Yes, more Leno. More Leno. You can do it if it's Leno.

All right, real quick. When did he write this note? Because he references Christmas. Well, Jay Leno was the guy who stole the band of the band-lids. Jay, why would you steal those men? Yeah, it's smaller than a cello. Sorry, John smaller than a chillo.

You say chello. Goodbye. You can't stop that to do, Jacket. Kevin's with him. Kevin, it's for you. Wait, you stole those. Manilins for your band leader who could clearly afford that. Yeah, we're still doing the show.

Wait, you're not doing it. You're in the morning now. Jimmy Fallon does the show now. You're saying that you're... I'm cononing him. You're taking his show, too? We're going to come back. Storm the castle one more time.

Which one's which? I can't tell the difference between you guys. Neither can we. That's what he said. Who's Jay Leno and who's Jay Leno? No, I can't tell. He said, how to steal two mandolins at the same time? Be on the lookout for this criminal from the Gibson F-12, whatever, at a Weber Yellowstone.

This thief has a Montenegrin accent. accent. What? Okay. So now we're... Could you tell a Montenegro? If I meet someone from Montenegro, which sounds like it's on the borderline of races. Yes.

But it's not. It's Montenegro. I don't know, man. I'm going to follow him around my mandolin shop. Are you? No, I'm not. Levine told ABC News that the mandolins were valued at what? How much do you think these mandolins were valued at?

Pawn shop mandolins? No, there's a music store. A music store. Sorry, sorry. Talking like regular. So tiny. Like a couple hundred a pop. Married to a musician.

That's your guess. Yeah, it is. She's going to be pissed if you don't get this one. Like 300. 300 each. Yeah. So 600 total? I don't know, man.

I'm going to say it's like $1,500 for both. Wouldn't they be locked up if they were like actually expensive? See, she's thinking. They're locking up deodorant at my CVS. I know. Should be like her. Yeah, you should be able to lie. I mean, what is the deal?

I do want to live in a society where we're like, you know what? I'm okay with people stealing deodorant. I don't, you know what I mean? Like, I don't want smelly. Yeah, so if someone's going to come to the store and steal deodorant, they're going to smell better. And that's a net positive for society. In general, stealing from CVS, I'm pro. I'll say 500 a pop.

500 a pop. Aaron, do you want to guess? 15 Hyundai. She said 600. They're 12. $100 for a good one. How about $3,500 and $4,200? What?

Oh, my God. Okay. Well, then they should have had, they should have locked them up. They should have been like when a really expensive jacket is on a hanger, but it's still connected to that wire. Yeah. Yeah, right. You can get a mandolin for $300. That's right.

This is what she knows. She's saying. Get you on this afternoon. We shouldn't have to steal wife a musician. All right. What if he's like, I'm doing this to protest. But he's not like a bluegrass musician. He doesn't have a mandolin.

No. What if he's saying, I'm doing this to protest the high prices of a man. Mandelins. This is ridiculous. It's like the guy who got the healthcare guy. All right. Levine said in his own shop that. Louis.

Just like Luigi. He's a Luigi Mangione of Mandolins. He's Luigi Mandolini. Now there it is. This is crazy. It needs to stop. Luigi. Yeah, he's the play a Mangione.

I agree. It's not that funny, John. It's so, that it's murdering. It kills me. Do you ever do, like, twin telepathy games? Like, if I... Tell him the story. Sorry. Amazing to do telepathy for him to tell the story.

Tell the story. I know what he's talking about. Not through telepathy, just because we told the story a bunch of times. And we have to figure out a way to put it in our stand-up somehow, some way. But feel free to add punch. When Jay and I were, I don't know, 11 years old, over in St. Louis, Washington University contacted us through, I don't know how they

got to us to know us, but they were doing a twin study. Sounds a little weird, but it is what it is. I want to see if twins... It was a Dr. David Mangala. Yeah. Dr. David... Mangalai. Dr. David Mandolin. Mangolin. Mangalini.

Dr. David Pangolin. Oh, God. He brought it back. So Dr. Dave... I don't know. Whatever. So I was like a... I'm looking for twins.

Right. So you just want to test if twins had men's teleporety. So they put Jason in one, me in one room and I'm looking at a picture. Running my temples for some reason. A picture or something. Something. And then Jay's in the other room. Wow.

Blank pages in front of me. Now let me just start by saying I did not have to masturbate. I don't know why I did. You're not. Your brother's masturbating in the other room, I promise. And I'm drawing it. There you go. And you're being filmed?

No, he drew a hurricane. A study. He drew a deluge. Child porn. You guys are victims of a child. Suddenly, we both wound up on the Epstein line. Flight logs. Suddenly we're on an island.

I'm rubbing my temples looking at... Kevin Spacey's there. I'm looking at this... It's like a house of cards. And then I'm supposed to send through the airwaves to Jason. I'm staring at what I later, I guess, would appear to be like a modem or a router that had a red light on it. And then as soon as he was sending the message,

I flipped a switch and it turned to green and it was like start drawing. Start drawing what I'm sending him the message. It was like out of severance. It was crazy. They're saying the modem is helping. No, the motive just tells me when the message is being said. Oh, okay.

I flip a switch. I mean, the most important part of this whole thing is that they figured out technology to go flip a switch on this thing and it turns on the other room. Yeah. That should have been what this study should have been about. Yeah.

How do we flip this switch and get it on there? It's where they thought the telepathy stopped there. Yeah, right. And it could only go through a hallway. Right. So I sent him this message of what it is. Not only did Jason not draw anything remotely close to what he was looking at. It was so bad.

They could not use any of the results of our part of the test. And then they shut down the experiment and they lost their funding. What did you draw? What did you draw? I was drawing a tree and he was looking at like a bicycle wheel. I don't know what the hell I was doing. Did they do it reverse? Because maybe it didn't even.

It was so bad. They were like, send them. What are we doing? Maybe Randy could have been to let... Send in the cloud. Yeah. Once's the vehicle? I could hear through the two-way mirror

someone say, what am I doing with my life? We blow it! These were our go-to twins. These were our go-to twins and we ruined it. So that was the end of that. Okay. So anyway, mandolins. Levine said in his online post that he saw the alleged thief,

surreptitiously opened the store's front door and return the mandolins in two shopping bags. So at this point, what do you do if you're owning this place? You know the guy took them. You see them bringing back. I mean, if they're out of tune, you can charge him. A little bit.

You inspect him, I'm sure, to make sure they're not like, whatever. Did he get in trouble when he returned it? I don't think he did. An instant later, I wanted to see who did it. So I went outside and I saw the guy sort of trotting down the street. And I took chase. Sort of trotting. Chased him.

Took chase. Took chase. Probably not the smartest thing to do. And he was, and he, this is, poorly written and he took off. He was running really fast and he kept looking back to see if I was catching up or if he was gaining ground and then he took a turn and

then I lost him. Great story. Who owns the movie rights? That's right. Then I lost. He lost you. Levine said he added that he called 911. He did call 911. If the guy out in front can't be gaining ground, he can be putting more distance between you but he's not gay, you're gaining around. He doesn't know

who's chasing. Who's chasing? Who's zooming who? Who rescued who you guys? Christopher Kirshner What do you think, Jenna? There's something. You're about to say so. I don't want to. Wait, so, okay, so the Levine.

Levine, who is the owner of the music store. Chase the guy and then gave up, and then the story ends there. Kind of. Well, the captain investigations of the T-neck Police Department told ABC News. They're investigating the crime. Haven't made arrests. Anyone with information can call the T-neck Police Department. But what's crazy is there is a video of the guy doing it.

Right. So. And they know he's from. Montenegro? They said he had a Montenegrin accent. That is a crazy detail that we have moved on. Who knows what that sounds? Well, he was clearly Montenegrin.

What? Clearly. Obviously. God, clearly. You heard him. Clearly Montenegren. Latently. Right.

It's delicate. Sorry I've been drunk. He was wearing a real Corinthian leather jacket. He was. But he returned it. He returned it. So the story kind of has. But he chased him after he returned it.

Yeah, he did. That makes no sense to me. I think that at that point, at that point, you got it. This person's come to terms with their moral courtcomings. They've returned it. I think you let that. So calling 911. 911 after you fail a chase is the wrong order.

And after you got the merchandise back. Calling 911. No, calling 911 after you fail a chase is like you taking a shot and pick up basketball game, it doesn't go in and you call a foul. At that point, you're just like, I got here. You're all over me. I got it on the arm. Wait, you're all by yourself of that.

If you had made that, you wouldn't have called it. I got it. You wouldn't have made that call. You got filed? Really? You were by yourself. You were by herself. I didn't try to chase him, but I could have.

I had him in my sights. I just want you to know I had him in my sights. He was gaining ground on me. The guy you were chasing? Getting ground on you. He probably learned that mandolins were really hard to play. And then he was like, oh, fuck. Oh, geez, I can't do this.

Mandolin, Melrose, Miranda. All right. Mandolin, Manil, Miranda. Ouch. Your poor tongue. Do they read him his mandolin, Manloon, Miranda rights. You have the right to play these? You have the right to steal these?

You have the right to give them back. You have the right to write a rap about, you have the right to write a rap about some historical person. And you have a right to a Montenegrin accent. All of it. All of it. Go ahead. Seriously. Dr. David Panglin.

Help. It's nice to read a news story about that, though. Right. Oh, yeah. In the end, it kind of worked out. This is why I love this show. And this is why Pat and Oswald is like, I love doing this show because it has nothing to do with what is going on in the world. It's going on in the world, but it's a break from the thing that feels like it's bearing down on. We all have that other thing bearing down on us,

but this is a chance for you to laugh at the world in comedy. That's story number one down the books. When we come back, we'll find out what both of you have going on. You've got a live tour coming up in the end of March. And we'll find out what Jenna has. It's Dumb People Town with Jenna Friedman and Gareth Reynolds sitting in for Daniel Van Kirk. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town. This episode is brought to you by better help. I love these guys. You know, sometimes it can feel like everyone else has it all together in their love lives.

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I am a therapy person. I understand it. My wife is a therapist. So we believe in it. And it is, I think, the nicest thing you can do for yourself. Yeah. It is an indulgent thing in the sense that it's you taking care of the inner you. You take care of yourself, though, and you are in effect taking care of all the people

that you interact with on a daily basis. Well, let's talk about BetterHelp because they do a great job. I love BetterHelp. So they have quality therapists. Yes. All right. Their therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. Yes.

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They're nice. They get it. They want you to be happy and they want you to be in a situation that's good for you. So I'm going to tell you to do you sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash dpt that's better help.com slash dpt guys a well-built wardrobe is about pieces that work well together i've always said that

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You know how you love a pair of shorts so much? It's your go-to pair of shorts. You're like, why do I love these shorts more than one of my children? And then I got a cashmere sweater that I absolutely love. So Quince is doing it. They know what they're doing. It is fantastic. Let them know how to do it. So refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com slash dbt for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Thank you. I almost said 385-day returns.

365 day returns you know what that is sure so now available now available in Canada 2A oh they got them up in Canada quince Q I and C-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash D-PT free shipping and 365 day returns quince dot comps D-D-T up in Canada now stick around make a sound hunger down it's don't people town hey guys welcome back to the show before we jump into my story story number two uh gareth let's talk first You guys have a live doll tour in the northeast of our country starting at the end of March. Correct. Let me see if I get all the cities right.

Sure. I actually don't know them also, yes. Well, you're doing Gramercy Hall in New York City. Gremmercy Theater in New York City. Sold out. Right. That one's sold out. Sold out.

Nice try. Yeah. Bridgeport, Connecticut. We're going to get some of those. Get some tickets to Bridgeport. Yeah, if you wanted to go to the New York show but can't, you can get a row in Bridgeport. Bridgeport. Are you doing any shows in Teaneck?

No. No, because the. The cops. Those cops, they bear down on on you. Well, we had two mandolins reserved. We did move on from the T-neck detail without, I would love to know that the head of the T-neck TD. Yeah, T-neck PD.

But you got Albany, you're doing a show in Albany, Syracuse, New York. Beautiful. Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, D.C. Pittsburgh, really? Not Pittsburgh. Oh, maybe. Buffalo. Buffalo.

We told you which wings to go get. You guys got to go to. Have you been to Buffalo? Never. No. Go to Rick James's grave. You'd forget if you have. Go to Rick James' grave.

What? He's buried in Buffalo. Buried in Buffalo. But I mean a grave stop? Yeah. We went there. Maybe I'm pretty fun. I've driven through Buffalo.

I think on the way to. Niagara Falls? Yeah. Yeah. So Buffalo, Rick James had his grave, and we saw just a bunch of trash, like just empty beer bottles and allay because no one repped Hawaii more than Rick James. That's true. Oh, you were talking about his grave.

I thought you were actually just talking about Buffalo in general is what you saw. No. No. His grave has booze bottles and a lay. His bag. bottles in LA. Good for him. And it was amazing. It just felt very good to go there and see that. I'll send Dave.

So go to, I can get all your tickets at the dolloppodcast.com. No, dollop podcast. Dotloppodcast.com. Dave screwed it up. Dave's an idiot.com. Get your tickets. Support these guys. If you like this podcast, you will love this. And subscribe to that. And it's so fun live.

Jenna, how can people follow and support you? I'm doing Moon Tower with you guys. Yes. Great. Yeah. I don't exactly know the DJ. down. Okay, that's fine. That's in April.

I am doing a show here February 18th at Lyrick Hyperion. Oh, fun. Go to that. Yeah, I'm doing my hour. You're doing a full hour. Yeah, the show that I took to Edinburgh. Yeah.

Oh, that's such a good show. All right, go see that there. And you were just up at Sketch Fest, fun? Yeah, it was so much fun. Great. I love that, San Francisco. Have you done Sketch Fest? Yes.

Just a redust. Oh, Jay, you just. Aaron? Jay, plug your thing in. What did you just do? All right. I'm back. God, he's back.

I don't need you, Aaron. We don't need you anymore. We don't need another hero. Anything, tickets, and whatnot, at? Oh, um, or just follow you on Instagram or what? Yeah, I put them on Instagram and my website, which is my name. Dot com.

Jenna Friedman. Jena with one and, yeah. Great. Love it. All right. I'm going to jump into story number two. Okay. Okay.

This was sent in by Kevin Harrington at Kevin Harrington, who's down in New Orleans, right? Are we going to see Kevin Harrington? Yeah. When we're in New Orleans next month? I think it's A.S. I hope so. Kevin, you're coming to the shows. At Flyo Dred.

underscore 504, I believe, is his handle. Okay. Are you making those things up? Either way. It's written down. I'm not going to follow him. Stop. I'll be honest.

Here we care. Here's the headline. Here's the headline. Maybe after this. Marion woman, quote, trying to be a mermaid. What is that? Like Marion PA?

Yeah. M.A.I.O. Not like a marrying woman. Mary. I'm the Marion type. I'm looking to be locked down. Well, she is the Marion type of Pennsylvania. Oh.

Okay. She's the Marion type. But Marion... Wait, wait, does anyone watch Love is Blind? No. No, I think you would love it. I assume you would also love it. And Randy, you would also love it.

It's a strange distinction. What is a... Love is blind. Love is where they meet each other in these pods and they talk to each other for weeks. I saw that at the beginning of the pandemic. And then after the pods at some point, if they find someone they want to propose to, they propose in the pod. Propose.

Propose. And then they meet each other in a long walkway. And then they come to each other, hug each other, and then they decide if they want to get married. If three weeks decide if they want to get married or not. Wow. I did see a clip of like the worst chemistry moments in love. I did just see a clip of that.

So it's a pretty amazing show, but I don't even know why I got to. Marion. That's the money shot though. You know what I mean? No, but it is like every girl's like, I'm coming to find my husband. And it's like, wait, you're definitely going about this wrong. And you will definitely be disappointed in the end if you're just looking for a husband. husband. Why don't she just come and be like, I hope I meet someone I connect with.

Right. No one's coming with it. And then you connect with them, but then you see them and you still might not want to. Still not want to audition. The second they say that, they're like, you're not on the show. Right. Yeah. Right. They just want. We don't want someone who just wants to connect with someone. It sounds a lot like that twin experiment you guys did not too long ago. So we were, okay. Mary and Woman, quote, trying to be a mermaid. I don't know what that means. Just, it's going to be hard. Aquatic. arrested after allegedly attacking a deputy.

Very un-mermaid-like. She just jumped in the ocean right after. Freedom! Where is she going? I blay, Marcella. All right. Monroe, Louisiana. The Union Parish Sheriff's Office arrested a Marion woman accused of attacking a deputy.

UPSO responded to a home in Linville community after a caller stated that their neighbor was trespassing on their property. So she's walking around on their lawns. Well, she's probably hopping around. Yeah. She has a tail. Right, thank you. On one fin. Do you guys remember the movie Splash?

Of course. So a quick side note, I rented Splat, well, my mom rented Splash when I was like six or something. Perfect movie to watch with. And I put it in the VCR. Yep. And it was trolls one. It were troll. Trolls, the prequel to Troll to Troll 2 was a horror movie.

Oh, right. They put in the box of Splash. The troll. It was the troll. Not the troll, just troll. Trolls is a bunch of kids like you know. No, not, no. It's the horror movie Troll, which is the prequel to Trolls 2, which I love Trolls

too. It's a whole separate genre. It's not the same people, but it's a whole thing. But Troll, the first of the- Scary as hell for a six-year-old to see. Scary and then it, you know, launched me on my path of whatever, but that was... So now that was... you hate Daryl Hannah.

I hate Jackson Brown by association. Yeah, I guess so. I hate Neil Young. Yeah, I guess so. But I love little devily trolls. How long into the viewing did you realize it wasn't flash? Well, the little girl goes in, she's playing with a ball, and the ball goes into the basement. Of course it does.

And it's a scary basement. Oh, my gosh. Wisdomo maid, you know what I mean? And then, like, she follows it. And then I think the troll either eats her or possesses her. And then I'm like, where's the moment? Excuse me. Your mom's nowhere to be found.

I had a speech problem. Yeah, I couldn't say R word. So it was a moemate. She was nowhere to be found. Not for the first 30 minutes. And then I liked it. I was like, this is crazy. And I liked it.

But you guys remember the VHS stores? This is the story of Jedda's life. And then I liked it. Terrible traumatic. Do you remember how scary, like, you had the VHS store? This is like even before Blockbuster. And then you have the scary movie room. Oh, yeah.

All the covers were so scary for this. Everything. Anyway, they just did a switcheroo. So she was, she was, official said the caller stated the neighbor was standing in their driveway screaming after being told not to trespass on their property

on previous occasions. She doesn't have a fin to stand on. I was waiting for that. If you are standing in the driveway, yeah, you're not a mermaid. Right, the people are like, you're also. She's like, ah. I'm not from your world.

Is that how she screams? Someone's like, I want to be part of your property. If someone says something smells like fish, she has to take that as a compliment. I'm a mermaid. I'm talking about your lower extremities, smell like fish.

She has to take that as a compliment. Thank you. She says I feel seen. Thank you. She did not on previous occasions, but UPSO says when they arrived, the woman was found swimming nude in a pond on the caller's property. That's a mermaid. Excuse me, everybody.

She's trying to change. That's a pond mermaid. That's what she said she was a mermaid. That's why she was there. She was trying to change, does she say? Switch into the mermaid. Like her legs then become fins. Give me a minute. I got to get into the whole thing. Don't come in yet. It takes like two hours. I'm a freshwater mermaid. It's a different process. According to officials, Aaron Elizabeth Sutton initially refused to get out of the pond. You know that thing when your parents like, get out of the pond.

the pool and you're like, I don't know, I'm still tingling. I'm a mermaid. I don't know if I said. Get out of the pool. She doesn't want to go. Nope. And she was trying to be a mermaid. That's what she said she was trying to do.

Here she is. Oh, she's. We love her. I kind of love her. Oh, yeah. That's very much like Ariel. What if she is a mermaid? Honestly.

What if this is just what mermaids look like? I could show you the world. I'm doing a song from Aladdin. I don't care. I literally don't care. I let it go. All right. They say Sutton finally got a.

out of the pond and EMS was called too valid. She's dead eyes. She's just like, they don't understand me. When she asked to step inside the residence, officials say suddenly charged towards a deputy. So she did get out. Is she just on drugs? She's like, I'm fine. That's a good drug

though. I'm fine. And then boom, just charge right out of him. I don't know what he said to her. A delayed charge is kind of a judge. Yeah, no, it's like a blitz. She refused to comply, was tased, which reportedly had no effect. Not going to affect a mermaid. We know this.

You can't tase a mermaid? She's magical, bro. You idiots. Yeah, you can't taste a mermaid. Wow. She's got that tase. Your land tases don't affect this. Right.

You want to water because she's around eels. Thank you. Electric eel. Thank you. Isn't that a MGMT song? She continued, yes, to resist detention and began kicking and punching the deputy. Well, stop trying to taser. Yeah.

Whose fault is it? Finally restrain an EMS. arrived to take her to the hospital for further treatment according authorities during the transport. She threatened to kill. What did she think was going to happen? Will she swimming naked and someone else? She threatened to kill deputies on the way to the thing.

But if you believed you were a mermaid, you would think you'd get out of this very easily. Oh, yeah. You'd just swim away. She would be sent to, was it Eugene Levy? Who was a guy in the movie who kidnapped? It was Eugene Levy, who was the scientist. Yeah. So you did eventually see Splash.

Yeah, of course. Oh, okay. By the way, Eugene Levy, John Candy, He played the brother and he was unbelievable. It was like an SCTV like all-star TV. I'm sure Dave Thomas was in there on some level. He probably played some guy in there. No, but it was so they, Eugene Levy played a very, he was like,

SCTV took over all of the great comedy movies in the mid-80s, thank God. Yeah. Like, thank God. I go back and watch Strange Brew again. Those guys, Rick Moranis, dude. Come on. He had like a crazy run. Says that due to her requiring medical.

treatment. They sought warrants for arrest on a later date. That's what they said. Give her time. She'll be fine. She was arrested. Let her dry out. No pun. That's right. She was arrested on January 6th. The worst thing to happen on January 6th. That's a lot of their excuse at January 6th. I'll never forget what happened on January 6 when they arrested that mermaid.

We're mermaid! She charged with three counts of storming the deputy. No. Resisting an officer with force or violence. Two counts of public intimidation. Public intimidation? You can't do that. Is that a count?

Sure. Two counts of battery of police of a police officer. One count of disturbing the piece, drunkenness, and one count of criminal trespassing. Her bond was set at how much? Ooh. What do we think they were like, look, tell something they're going to tell something they're going to kill? They seem to really be mad at it. Thing it and a jigs.

How many thing my jigs? What do we think? I'm going to say $50,000 bond. $50,000 bond? What do you think? She said she was going to kill someone. Yeah. She should charge a lot too.

She charged a lot. And was drunk. And that intimidation public is just disgusting. Come on. I'll go 100K. 100K. What do you think? What do you want it to be?

I want it to be like her voice. She's charged with her voice. They will hold her voice until she is let out of death. They'll give it back to her. How much is a voice worth? I ask you, Jenna. Well, it depends on what it sounds like. Whose voice?

Yeah. Maybe, I don't know, I'll do 101. 101,000. Oh, you prices, what? Yeah, how the price is right? Yes, you can be under. You can be under and still win. All right, so she was, her bond was $62,000.

Oh, how many mandolins is that? It's like six mandolins, I guess. And then finally, we'll get out of here on this. And then Gareth has the final story that Dan prepared for all of us. Then we'll tell you what we have going on. Uh, this woman, she, uh, who tried to say she was a mermaid, charged the deputy after she got out of water swimming naked in the pond, is how old? You saw our pictures.

Oh, uh, well, okay. So if she were in New York or L.A. I would have a different estimate. Well, give me a New York or L.A. Give me both. No, because we, you know, we don't, I mean, like, I don't want her to be like 30. I wouldn't say 30. I would say probably like 46.

Okay, 46. Jay. That's a 32-year-old. woman. 3-2. Wow. All ready. What do you think?

I'm going closer in that direction. I think she's lived hard as a mermaid. Right. It's a hard. She's believed she was drunk. She wrote it hard and came out wet. Yeah. I'm gonna,

I'll. Even when, that's a problem. Even when she is like dries out, she doesn't really dry out because she's a mermaid. No. No, that's why she has to drink. Is it bad if we see her face one more time?

Yeah. That's an unfair advantage I have. You bring up her face. Um, let me see. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be. I'm gonna. I'm not, honestly, to the point that she's in the South, that she looks pretty good.

She's 15? I'm going to guess that's a nine-year-old woman. No. Woman. A woman. No, wait a minute. Don't you dare call a nine-year-old a woman. You're outing yourself.

Sorry, I thought I was in the locker room. I'll say 27. 27. Okay. Get your answers in. I'm going to say 39 now. 39, 32, or 33, I say. Get your answers in.

because this woman, the lovely woman, Sutton, Ms. Elizabeth Aaron Sutton, is 41 years old. She does look pretty good then. She knew. What a compliment. It's the mermaid keeps you young. Gareth Reynolds has got the last story for us on the iPad. Oh, I think I got it here.

Are you got there? However you want to do it, whatever you want to do it. I'll stick to my plan. Stick to the plan. When we come back on there, South break, we'll tell you what we have going on and then Gareth will get to the last story. It's Dumb People Town with Gareth Sitting in,

Gareth Reynolds, sitting for Daniel Van Kirk, and our friend, Jennifer Freeman with us. I do think it'd be a fun game to just get mugshots and be like, how old? How old, how old? We do it all the time. We do it all the time on Dumb People's Dumb People Town. If you like this, go back in the catalog. Guess the Agy.

All right, we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make a sound, bunker down. It's Dump People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into this last story that Gareth has. Jay, let them know what we have going on. In February, February 21st and 22nd,

That's a Saturday and Sunday. We're going to be in New Orleans at Sports Drink. I love this place. It is such a cool club. You should do it. You should do it. Yeah. It's a great club.

It's a small, but just an awesome. Andrew Stevens runs it. It's like, I've seen those clips on like the giant, with the Gatorade barrel wall behind comedians doing stand-up. Like, it's really small and wonderful. But we have two shows each night. It's a 60-seat room.

So we should sell that out. It's going to be really fun. And then we're doing our Netflix is a joke. we're doing a tag it. Maybe both of you guys will jump on our tagget show if you want to come. Super fun. We'll write tax for a comedy. Sure.

That's at UCB Franklin on May 4th. And then we'll probably do a little run of some other shows like in the Louisiana area, Lake Charles, Lafayette, and maybe Mobile, Alabama, the third weekend in May, supersclars.com for all that stuff. Plus, if we get to do more of the altcast that we did, we did the one for the Black Hawk Flyers game on Turner Sports, but we get to do more specifically for the NCAA tournament at the end of March. We might be able to do some of those.

That's where pushing for we'll let you guys know. And then you can support us that way. Gareth, let's go. I believe that mermaid was from the area you'll be touring in. So that could be. Come on out in Louisiana. We're on the guest list. She post bail comes here.

No pants necessary. So Daniel sent me this. So he's still doing this even from Beyond the Great. And this was sent in by Sean Anderson. You said he passed. Yeah. At Sean with an H-70. Great.

And the headline is, woman tries to avoid arrest by defecating towards officers police say. How can you work? Wait, how can you direct it? That's what we're all going to figure out in our own little journey.

Depends on what you ate. That's something I've never asked my children. Where are you shitting towards? Well, to weaponize shit. coming out of you. But I would say this, that can't be, if it's a normal, I don't want to get too in the weeds here.

Sure. If it's normal, it's not going to go anywhere. So if you know you're going after people, you have to eat the meal that's going to get you there. Indian food, Mexican food, something. You're saying diarrhea. A diuret. Maybe she had so much anxiety from the cops

that she was able to channel it into like a... Send it. Send it off. I'm saying in court there's going to be a question of whether this was premeditated. Yeah, a good lawyer would be like, you're just saying she did that, but she had IBS. She's premeditated, but then a good lawyer

would get him out of it. Get her out of it. Well, let's see. It's obviously in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. Of course. Of course. Gray news. Which is sure. Police in Florida said a woman intentionally defecated toward officers in an attempt

to avoid being arrested. Ma'am, stop shitting at them. Stop. Ma'am, stop it. Stop it. Don't you care crap at them? Ma'am, stop it, ma'am. Back off. Ma'am, don't make that face. Don't turn around.

You're making a face. Stay where you are. Don't make a sad face. You know you're not getting sympathy. No. Don't make that. That's a different face. Now you're smiling.

No. Wait, now you're laughing. You can't laugh. You can't make a clown face. You can't make a clown face. She's doing clown face. Whatever face you make, you still can't crap. You still can't crap in that.

No, don't do the fingers. Don't do the fingers. So the Fort Walton, the F-W-B-P-D. said every police department we've heard on this episode has been insane by the way. Yeah, so many alphabet letters. Officers were called to the palms of Emerald Coast massage parlor. It is beautiful. It's a beautiful area.

A massage parlor. So this is an unhappy ending. It is coming from the banish. Whatever's coming out of her end is not happy. I finished. You said you wanted this tree. No, not the front. The massage parlor on Tuesday for...

It's a new form of reflexology. Shiazatsu. Yeah. Shits out to, okay. A report of a battery on a health department employee. Yep, here it comes. Do we all under... The four wind, but...

Yeah, it's battery on. She was beating someone? I guess. Either that or she was... She was... She was hitting on someone. No, no. The crap becomes the secret weapon when the...

Oh, that's the... This is what I'm pulling out. He doesn't pull the shit out until the end. That's a final card. Now, he has one of the questions in the middle here, but I'll do it at the end. Yeah, yeah, I'll do it at the end. All right, police said the health department employee was conducting a routine inspection when Fang Wang, a massage, you stop it. Don't you dare.

Don't you dare. Montenegrin? A massage parlor employee became upset and started yelling at the inspector. So she's furious at the inspector for health code violations. You only act as way. And she's like, you want to see an half? She's like, have my beer. I'm holding my own beer.

She said hold my burrito. Okay. So she started yelling at the inspector. Police said Wang tried to force the health inspector out of the business. Yeah. Which was a good tactic. Out of the health inspecting business? By shitting on him.

I like her moxie. I definitely, you've not heard this before. They don't train you for this. I would hire her. You're right. I feel like her name is the name of. of what she's doing. That's the name of the move.

Oh boy, she's about to fang wang. She pulled a fang wing on them. She's crowning. When the officers arrived and tried to detain wang, I can't believe this. She started defecating at them. Toward officers in an attempt to avoid being arrested, police said. Oh, my God.

Get her from the front. Get her from the front. You believe this shit? But you do run out of shit. Like, that can't last. I don't know. I want to hear her side. Yes, exactly.

I want to read the book. Believe women, guys. Don't do it now. Come on. Now we can't. Believe all women. It was never all women. It was never all women, but believe fang.

All women's lives matter. Believe women. Look, maybe she just had to go and we have to go. You have to go. Yes. What if she was on the toilet and he like grabbed her off the toilet? You don't know. As an ally, I think that's what happens.

All lives matters. No, Jenna, that's not what she's saying. No, I don't think that's the bottom line. It's just a default. All lives matter. Well, I would like to hear, because even if her story was like, yeah, I should on him, like I'd like to just hear her for it. I wish that one of the two officers was two days away from retiring, and he said, I'm literally

too old for this. Maybe the officer was a woman. That's right. She's getting too old for this. I literally am too old for this shit. Okay. Wang was arrested. I don't know for what

and booked into the Okalusa Department of Corrections online records show. Sure. That's strange. She is charged with battery on a health department employee resisting an officer and permitting an unlicensed person

to practice massage. That's the thing that they were mad about. One of those charges are close to rocket shitting. Yeah, public defecation. Public defecation. Directional. Directional.

Directional. whole crapping. Wow. But you know how cops like plant drugs on people all the time? So wasn't her poop? Yeah, it could have been the cop. It might not even be a little. My ass got hacked.

Can we get a little my ass got hacked? Don't worry. I put some poop near her ass. They won't know shit. They won't know shit. What do you think if the cop what? What if the cop did it? Plant shit on her.

That's what we're asking. That'd be a great thing to come back to like the squad car. Don't worry. That's shit right next to it. Don't worry. Nobody's going to know what we did. Nobody knows you were getting. happy endings in there.

Reached in the trunk and got the loose stool. A shit on the owner. Why don't we just say that she attacked us with her asshole and her shit? That's what we're going to do. All of us together. It's bound to work. Why do we have New York? Get the hands in. I don't know. We all move from New York. Everybody who lives in Florida. We all move from New York down to Florida to get away from this shit.

And then stay in line with each other. And of course it was Fang Wang. Okay. With the total of seven reviews and out of five stars, what is the rating for me? Palms of Emerald Coast massage parlor. Okay. Seven reviews.

One had to be the cops. That's right. A little shitty. Seven reviews. Seven reviews. Out of five stars. Out of five stars. What do you think the massage parlor gets Jenna?

Good customer service? Also, I want both of you to explain to me the name massage envy. I've never understood it. It has nothing to do with penis. I don't understand it. That is interesting. What is massage envy? I think it's penis envy.

No, but it can't be. But applying it to. Like if you owned a store that only sold peanuts and you called it Peanuts Envy, I would get that. That's great. But massage envy? I would call it like massage in a bottle or something like that. That's closer. That one definitely sounds like it has happy endings though.

Lubey's massage. Jiffy Loub would be a great name for us. Put her up on the rack. Jiffy lube. Anyway, I don't understand I'm a side of it. I think it's 3.9 stars out of 5. Yeah, I would say like around 3.5.

Okay. I'm going to say 2.5. 2.5. Well, you underestimate the owner's experience. It was a 4.9. What? Wow. So she got everyone.

No wonder she defended the turf so hard. Yeah, it was a good establishment. Yeah. She's now saying like, seven reviews isn't too small of a sample size. What do you need to be? licensed. What are we talking about? In Florida? In Florida?

This is talking. Gun training. Yeah, a gun. This is talking about... By the way, maybe she did train like for aiming. She was at some of those gun ranges. My ass is a gun. Yeah, she puts on the headphones. 4-9 though is a shocking. Yeah, the whole thing. Four-nine is unreal.

Well, if you do happy endings and then you're like, I'll tell your wife unless you give us a good Yelp review. Yeah, yeah, there is a way for her to I need to watch you do it right now. Click send. Feng. Click send. I have another way to make you yelp, and then she pulls on her pants and starts crawling.

Fang, no. Fang no. All right. And the last question on this story is how old is Fang Wang? We don't have a picture. Oh, we do have a picture. Oh, my God. I love the ring.

If you told me that was Bjork, I'd believe you, for a hot second. If I look quickly, Asian Bjork. Fang Wang. How old? 97. No, she looks amazing. She looks amazing.

Let's just be honest. She looks great, but honestly, she could be 71. She could be. And everybody would be like she looks incredible. I'm going to say 52.

Interesting. I'm going to say like maybe I'll say like 45. I think she's 52 and we're all going to be like, I can't believe it. I think she's 58.

Interesting. 50. All great guesses. And I do think for a mugshot, you're supposed to look into the camera. I don't know why they okayed that one. She's looking down at where she does. It's like a Bell and Sebastian cover. You will know me by the trailer.

It does look like it. It does look like an artsy cover. This is their follow up to Tiger Milk. Fang wing. That should be the cover of your next album. Oh my God. Your website, your flyers. Just two of them.

It says everybody, Fang, Wang tonight. Everybody have fun. Fang and Wang? Yeah. Fangie's wing Fang Wang is 55 Oh what did I say? What I said 52 you said 58

We're right there in the middle Fangang But what a legend 55 she's a year older than us And she looks incredible Way better than what There might be something to that We have to start shitting in public

That's it It's not just shitting in public Towards people It's hostageing your poop It's defending your establishment Thank you Fending your honor From a health inspector

from a health inspector? I was going to give you a B. Nope. Well, how about now? Terrible review now. I'm going to give you a number two. It is kind of the perfect response to a health inspector kind of. Right.

I mean, this is like we're going to, you want to give you something to write about. Let's give them something to write about. How about love? Love. How about love? Fang. How about love? Anyway.

Fang, it's not love. What you're doing is not love. Oh my God, what an unbelievable episode. Jennifer Friedman, thank you so much. And everybody goes here at Jenna Friedman on Instagram. You can follow her. Go see the Lyric Hyperion here in L.A. on February 18th. And then, of course, go see the Dallup Live.

Also go to my website, garthoronews.com. I have stand updates. Stand updates. Oh, get it to stand updates. Do that and see us as well. We love you guys. And oh, snap, we got to get back to work. Bye, everybody.