Dumb People Town - Johnny Pemberton - Affirmative Grunting

Episode Date: May 26, 2026

Comedian and actor Johnny Pemberton (Mermaid, Live Dates) stops by as Jason describes a French teen's run in with Singapore law after licking all the straws at a vending machine, Daniel explains how an ex-HP finance manager was sentenced after lavish spending, and Randy warns against driving a car on a Top Golf course, and so much more! Sub Wall!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And on the show, we're going to talk about, oh, a French teen in Singapore and how that goes sideways. We're going to talk about a one with an expense account. She shouldn't have that at age. Too much freedom. And then finally, we're going to close things out with a viral video that you have to see to believe. It ain't top golf. It's bottom golf. Bottom golf.

It's all happening on this episode of Dumb People's Now with Johnny Pemberton. Hey, out. Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of dope so unaware they lack and grace and sometimes choose the life they choose will make the new. Breaking down each epic. Bail in Florida There's half price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this

Don't Don't Don't listen to our podcast band With co-host Armaid Dan Van Durt Don't be a jerk Because when the music Which the funny hits

And we are gonna take you down Stick around Make a sound Come your Down is Dump People Town Hey Tadies Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town

Population Population Pepper Jay, his, Johnny Pemberton. He said the volume was too high at his thing and you just screamed it into his ears. I get excited. I can handle it. I can handle it. I'm going deaf.

We all are. I'm going deaf. I'm just losing, you know, I've lost the high frequency. This episode is welcome to Pembertown. We are in Pembertown and we're going to enjoy our time in Pembertown. The world's getting dumber, Johnny Pemberton. It is. And I'm getting smarter.

It feels great. You are getting smarter. We're going to talk. Every day. You're going to talk about your movie. You do those fun facts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got all those fun facts.

The Pemberton, the Pembertown Fun Facts? Fun Facts. Well, the Pembertown bulletin board is just filled with fun facts. We went to the Pembertown Jamboree, and it was... I don't want to say it was fun. When you don't... Did you use the Grab and Go section? I did not know about that.

I don't want to say it was fun either. I'll say it. I got into a fight with a clown, but I... Was this in Canada? Yeah. The Pemberton... I found jamboree and I bought three jars of strawberry preserves that I, that are still good. You got into fight with a clown and Pemberton.

This is what I love about Pembertown in the fall. There's too much going on here. I'm stuck on these preserves. The clowns change colors. Okay. Well, it was a jamboree, so everyone brought a jar of jam that they were selling. Oh, I get it's a jam. It's a berry jam.

Jamberie. Yeah, jamberry. Not a jam barry. Well, it was jamberry, so it was jam and berry cheese, which. I think is smart. That's a good combo. And we are responsible of bringing the crackers, but I loved it. I haven't had a good shirkoo-

I don't want to say it was fun because it wasn't, but I like the... Brie. Oh, yeah. I'm a specialist interjecting too much food noise. Too much affirmative sounds. Affirmative grunt. You are the master in affirmative grunting. Oh.

Do tell. I just got a glimpse of you. Did you say brie? I just got a glimpse of you as an 87-year-old man. Oh, I thought you're about to say something else. I just got a glimpse of you as the woman that you really are. Oh, Louvre. Your affirmative grunting is what you are known for in this business.

I can't believe the Supreme Court voted against your affirmative grunting. Well, they bring me in. AI is stealing my job every day. They're stealing your grunting. They've sampled all my grunts. I've been grunted out. You can't get grunted out. I've been bunting out of the grunt business.

And the problem is, you did the grunt. work. You did the grunt work in this case. You know what? I didn't think you're going to go there, but I... You did. You didn't hire anyone else to do. Still got it. Still got it. Still got it. Don't let people tell you don't have it. Jay, let's jump it is. I don't let people if they try to tell me I don't have it. You don't have it.

Okay, he still got it. He grunted you out of that situation. He still got it. He could grunt his way out of a tight spot. You can grunt his way out of a paper bag. That's a good one. You can say that. squeaker bottle that sag after sagged after swaker let's get into a strategy

this is sent it by Sean Anderson at Sean 60 S-H-A-W-N-E 70 70 sorry 60 70 I took 10 off of this year all right here we go French teen charged in Singapore

if you're charged in Singapore he's going to get his ass can't get caned All right French teen charged in Singapore over a vending machine straw-licking video. Ooh,

this doesn't make any sense to me at all. Singapore don't mess. They just don't. But if you have an only fan is where you lick straws. So he probably released a video. Why am I saying probably? I know you have the story. People like to see straws being lit.

I don't know. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. People like buying farts and jars. So there's probably. Sure, but that makes sense to me. The straw being licked is kind of like, it's just a straw. So you get drinks out of the vending machine. they have straws next to the vending machine.

He licked all the straws and put them back. And then he put them back. I'm peace-mealing this. Dan, you're so right. A French teen is facing, this is from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. French tea is facing mischief and public nuisance charges in Singapore,

which is penalty of death. I mean, I would say not showering in Singapore is penalty. After posting a video on social media of himself licking a straw from an orange juice vending machine and then putting it back. If you're getting your orange juice from a vending machine,

that's number one. You deserve this. You have this coming to you. I don't like this. Some straws are going to get licked, guys. Here's the other thing. This is the video you send to your friends. Right.

You don't post this online. Oh, that's bad. You open yourself up to a cany. He got greedy. He got greedy. Unless you are at a place that dispenses things at the wheel of the people, right? Like a hot bar or a grocery store or something like that, a buffet. If you don't see them put the fresh tray of untouched food out,

while you're there. It's been... Everything else, you are open to whoever came along before you and did whatever they did to that food. We used to eat at buffets in New York at, like, growth all the time. It's just the...

Pondurasia. Did you remember Ponderosa? Yes, give us up a $7 steak. What is Ponderosa? $7 steak and a buffet salad bar. Sizzler. Yeah. I've been a sizzler, but more of like as a joke.

Yeah, if someone told me you have to eat... We have to eat 20 pieces of Texas. toast to save your children's life, I'd be like, you don't know who you're missing with. They'll consider them saying. You don't know who you're messing with. Can I do 11? No, I'll do all of them.

How about 15? I'll have, I'll do 21 and enjoy the last one. That was for me. Yeah. This guy's name on its own. This French kid is a novel. Can we guess? Pierre, you can guess.

Okay, I'm going to say it's Felix Strikaye. Oh, I like that. That's nice. You're close. Pepe Escargo. Pepe Escargo. Pierre DuPont. How about Didier, Gaspar, Owen Maximilian?

Oh. Ditya Gaspar, Owen Maximilian. Are these all characters from like Disney movies? Right. They are. They're the leads of every Disney movie. Didier. I'm not going to tell you how old he is.

He's 50. Yeah, he did. You've got eight, you've got seven options. Got six names. Teenager. All right. Was charged on April 24th and hasn't entered a plea because he knows what's he knows what's coming to you about to get caned bitch into oblivion the city's

largest english language newspaper the straits times oh yeah it must translate in a bad way yes better not be gay there uh he allegedly committed the offense at a shopping mall on march 12th and his video rapidly spread when it surfaced the report said the team was granted court permission on wednesday to travel to manila but he like put out his own video of him doing this Or this was like CCTV. He put out the video. So he was allowed to travel to Manila from May 2nd to the 25th for a school trip required for his graduation. The Straits time said he is due back in court on May 29th.

If you're going to let him go to Manila. He ain't coming back. If I were him, I wouldn't. I would leave. I would live on the lamb forever. You do not go back. Can you just say that he took the straw after he licked it? He did in fact take it after that.

but we cut, they cut that out as a joke. Yeah. Also, I guess we're assuming the straws aren't wrapped. Yeah. They just got free wheel

and straws out there. Open straws. Raw dog and straws in the wild. Because nobody, everyone in Singapore is respectful to the straw. Fearful of getting caned. Like, you walk down the street,

you do anything where you blow a snot rocket. Someone's going to cane the back of your knee. I mean, they, they, they, they, throwing his gum on the ground.

And then they've really, that was really a good precedent. Because you don't hear about, You know, there's the song. There's the song. Yeah. Once there was a boy. Yeah.

Grunting in that. That was a weird alberty of crushed test. Oh, it was. You're right. Well, that's still a song? Oh, God bless you. Still a song. He still made music.

It's still a song. Still a song. And he had done graffiti. He had not. Yeah, he brought a can of paint too. Right. He did graffiti. K marks all over.

There's body. Yeah. He's all over. Crash test dummies. when they finally made him hey man that was a banger man could imagine singing like that what a cool voice put him in jail

mischief carries a penalty of up to how many years in prison are a fine we're not fucking around years years mischief mischief we got every every second third episode we got somebody doing criminal mischief that's like the lowest thing you get Singapore don't play three years that's a good yes

seven years Then years in prison. Two. Get your answer's in homie. One of you is exactly right. Townies. Homies and townies. Two years.

Wow. So there's times where I'm like, okay, we're just letting people take stuff from CVS is here. And we're just like, if it's on a hundred bucks, just take it and you can go. And then that makes us feel bad for buying stuff. I think this is too far in the other direction. Yeah. Wait two years. Two years.

He's a minor. Yeah. A prison fine or both, while public nuisance is less severe with up to how many months in prison or a fine or both? Six months in prison. Three. And a fine. Seven. Holy shit, Dan.

You're on fire three months. Wow, Dan. Wow, Dan. I-J-O-O-Z. I-J-O-Z. Who chooses? I-J-J-J-E. The company operating the juice vending machine.

Oh, I-J-J-J-J-J-Z. I-J-J-J-Z. Yeah, yeah. How's your juice? A robot juice servers. Why is that any weirder than Orange Julius? We just accept Orange Julius as that. I juice.

I choose. Phil filed a police report and sanitize the dispenser while replacing all how many straws in the machine. Oh, so the guy wrote them all? In machine? 510. I like that guess. Mm-hmm. I'm going to go 1100.

75 straws. One of you is 10 off 85 straw. 500? 500. 500? Yes. I would lick 500. 100 straws and I would lick 500 more.

Other word else. Go to prison in a foreign country and be there for the rest of my life. I'm going to lick. I'm going to lick. That was really good. I like them. I'm going to lick them. It's a better version of that song.

And twins sang that song. The Proclaimers. I proclaim this to be. I proclaim that to be a better version. Said it would upgrade its machines to include measures such as individually packaged straws. Thank you. Now we're talking.

And straw compartments that unlock only after the transaction is completed. So you can unlock the straw. You can lick all the straws you want if you pay for them. Lawyers for the teen who is studying in a French business school in Singapore. DeK brag. Declined to comment. Right. They don't want to give their case away.

Singapore, a small, densely populated city state. tightly regulates public behavior and cleanliness. What did I say? That's an understatement. This includes restrictions like limits on chewing gum. Yeah. And strong penalties for littering and vandalism. We all know about that.

Wren, weren't you on Singapore air? Didn't you fly once on Singapore air? One time I flew on Singapore air. I was on my honeymoon. I was flying back. I was supposed to fly Cathay Pacific back and we splurged and got business class seat. So I was very excited. But there was an airstrike.

And so they flew us. Singapore Air to Singapore and then Singapore air to, uh, from Bali to Singapore and then to Tokyo and then United back home. Whatever you didn't need to know that. Point is we flew first, they flew us first class on Singapore air and there were these small little footstools that like, I didn't realize they weren't attached and you didn't press a button and they recline out.

And so the flight attendant came, were they like pouring champagne? This is how much like I was drinking the champagne. pain and as I was drinking it they just they didn't even they were pouring it as I was drinking into your mouth into my mouth essentially like into just so that it never dropped over like a straw their attention to detail was the best I've ever seen on an airplane ever yeah which led me to this moment there was a person who came and like bent down on all fours like right in front of me and I didn't have the I didn't even know that there was a footstool a footstool and I jokingly to my wife well

like I was gonna just stretch out. But I didn't do it. Arrested. You're gonna go to Joe just for 20 years. I went to start to do that. My wife was cracking up, but then I, the guy pulled out. That's so funny. He pulled out the footstool.

He pulled out. He pulled out. He pulled out early. So did I. So thank God I pulled out early. That's politeness. It's highest. I do, but to me, I'm like, this is not an insult.

This is a, me saying your service is so good that. That's the expectation. I thought you were. sacrifice in your body. You were going to be a human. Did tell me they pick you up like a baby and carry you off the plane. Which I thought was really nice.

And they burped me twice. Twice. Thank you. That's smart. That means they liked you. I will never go there. I'll be so scared. I just do like, oh,

oh no. We did karaoke when we were there. And I was like, I think we're singing too loud. We got to. You got to really be. Prison. One year. One year.

One year loud singing. Air noise pollution. Extra points for, shirt being untucked, shoe being untied. There's lots of things. Added on to the penalty. Don't let any of your saliva drip to the ground. Nothing. Bad attitude.

Bad attitude. How old before we get out of here? Is this teenager? Didier, Gaspar, Owen, Max, Millie. He's 17. It's a good guess. That's what I would have said as well. He's 16. I'll go 18. Get your answers in, homies. Oh, I forgot about 18 and 19. Oh, my God, I forgot.

You're always doing that. It's going to be DVK. DVK is on five. 18 years old. One, two, three. He knows who he is. Story number two going to him. When we come back, we're going to talk about

Johnny's movie Mermaids. And we're going to talk about what we have going on. This is dumb people town. We're off and running. Stick around. Hey, Towny's Daniel Van Kirk here. I want to talk to you about quince.

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Make a sound. Come you down to town. Hey gang, welcome back to the show before we jump into Johnny's movie and how you can see that. It's probably on VOD at this point. But we'll get into it in a second. Jay, let's talk about what we have. Yeah, so I'm going to talk about dates we have in June moving forward. I'll do it because you don't know it.

No, no, we're doing headlining sets here in Los Angeles. Something we never do at Venice West, two shows in one night. Great Venice West is such a cool venue. I don't know if you ever perform here. It's kind of like the Trubidor on the west side. It's really cool. It's a music venue. People love it.

It's great. It's great. People love it. That's like 20th in Venice Boulevard. It's, our 20th in Lincoln. It's happening on June 16th at an early show to Late Show. We want everyone in L.A. if you're out here. Please come out to those shows.

Then we're going to San Francisco, the 19th and 20th. We got Tony Kameen. He's going to feature. for us and then Sophia Garrow who we love great comedian from San Francisco that's a Cobbs Comedy Club this is a giant comedy club let's fill that three shows one Friday two Saturday and the 19th and 20th of June

hey then we're guest hosting Jim Rome show for a week at the end of June which will be really fun and then we're going to the Comedy Fort in July small venue we're going to sell out those shows Hey you're wearing I'm wearing Comedy Ford shirt Jay we've all performed there and we all love it there Comedy Four is amazing I never have Oh it's great you should love him I'm ready I'm ready

He's ready you're that David Rodriguez we'll tell him I have the availability coming up. Great. And then we'll be at the Escondino and the Grand Comedy Club down there. This is such a great thing. Jay Moore, the great Jay Moore, our friend was talking to Greg Fitzsimmons,

another friend, two great friends of the show and they were just talking about clubs that they've done that they really liked. And on Jay's podcast. And Jay was like, you need to go down on that Grand Comedy Club. They were talking, Scler Brothers need to go down there.

And the guy from the Grand Comedy Club, Andrew, like, he clipped it off and then like sent it to us to our Instagram. It was like, you guys got to come down here. That's all. And we figured out and we did it. I mean, it's kind of near San Diego.

We don't want to mess with the comedy store down there, but he talked to the guy down there. I think it's all cool. No, it's cool. Escondido? Yeah. Escondido. It's on the way down to San Diego.

That's not San Diego. No, it's not. Just north of it. Is it like Oceanside? Yeah. It's like 45 minutes east of Oceanside. Right. Oh, it's inland.

It's inland and north of San Diego. Oh, it's like a wine zone. Yeah, it's on the way to Temecula. Yeah, it's on the way to Temecula. Oh, which is a wine zone. Right. Great golf. Great golf around there.

Anyway, it's just super. So I'm excited we're going to do that. All of our dates, punchup. Live, follow us there. Give us your email so we can let you know when we're coming to a town or you. And we might have through PunchUp Live, through our email list,

we might do discounts for tickets for our shows. We're trying to build this email list out wide so we can let the whole world know when we're coming. The stupid thing is we didn't do it 30 years ago. We need to start doing this. Did people have email 30 years ago? Oh, they did. Yes.

Everybody had a hotmail account. Everyone should have a prodigy. Right. Yes. We're doing it now in their most current email address. for it so that we can let's let you know what's going on all right let's talk about this movie mermaids mermaid mermaid mermaid is another movie that was with share is your movie called practical magic no it is not it's called practically magic practical yeah when did it come out mermaid it's out it's

it's out it's was out and now i guess it depends when this comes out but um vod now it'll be a vod that's everyone watches things yeah sure totally may 26th it's available on your home your home Like Amazon Prime and the whole thing. You can do iTunes. You can do a combination. You get both. I would be going to get both. Did you love doing this movie?

Tell us who's in this movie and tell us a little bit about what you did. Well, we shot it a couple years ago. It's a Florida movie. Great. It's about a guy, me, who finds a mermaid, but it's not like a pretty mermaid. This is like a creature, like an actual, probably what a mermaid would look like. It's like a nasty, scary creature. It's kind of like it's.

It's not Daryl Hannah in Splash. No, no Daryl Hannah at all. No one, no one's that beautiful combined. It's a sploosh. It's a whole place, yeah. It's a really fun movie. It's super dark and funny. Kevin Nealons in it.

Kirk Fox, Robert Patrick. Oh, shit. Tom Arnold's in it for a second at the beginning and stuff. Great. A lot of other great people in it. It's a fantastic movie written and directed by Tyler Kornack, who did some other, a bunch of other great films. Great, dude.

Amazing. Yeah. So this guy finds his merman and he has to like, protect it or understand. Yeah, he's like a loner, a super, you know, addicted to drugs, he's to percassette. He's like a loser guy, very dark, extremely dark movie, and he finds this creature. He's obsessed with fish. He's like a fish guy. Right. He's very obsessed with fish, but he finds this creature, and so all this kind of crazy stuff happens after that. Oh, yeah, dude. So, it's cool. It's kind of a thriller. I also love your stuff on Fallout.

Well, man, thank you. That's fun, too. When I saw you pop up, I was like, I know this guy and he's great. Yep. So, that shows, that's a fun show. Yeah. Phenomenal. Great. I love it.

All right. Daniel. Do you want to jump in? Here we go. Story number two sent in by Matthew Friedman at Not Your Average, Matt. That's AVG on the average. Thank you, my friend. Thanks, buddy.

Ex-HP finance manager jailed after going on spending spree using company plastic. I've never had an expense account. Yeah. I mean. Job in my life. It's dangerous. expenses when I had like it's dangerous to have that company card because I'm sure like everybody bends the rules a little bit though I've met the rules way back but I don't have the

car but we talked about business at this dinner yeah let's expense I mean like yeah all businesses are getting like yeah you know a couple to be a slippery slope yeah because you never like you just you're a company you give somebody the card like that's hey don't steal from so it's all about oversight it's all about how many people are watching what your expenses say hey your are a little bit much this month, what happened here? Like, questions have to be asked. You need, like, a Singapore-level monitoring. Yeah.

But then no-one expenses anything, and they just have a bunch of, like, how come you didn't take these guys out for dinner? It's like, well, I didn't know if it was good. I was afraid. I was afraid. The Connecticut people were here. How come you didn't take them out? I lost the account because you didn't get stake.

It's like the Vermont. Well, now former HP finance manager. I could get so many tries to suppose. Is HP still a computer? Yes. Hewlett Packard. Yeah. Is it still?

I thought Hewlett and Packard like split. Shelby Zito. Shelby Zito. You are not, you are not thinking it's spelled the way you're thinking. S-H-B-Z-Z-R-R-R-R-R-N-W-E-R-H-E-E-H-E-E-E-E-E-H-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-I-T-E-E-I-T-E-E-I-T-E. H-E-E-E-H-E-E-E. say it again? S-H-E

C-H-E-L-B-E No, go with your ridge S-H-E-E-E-E You're correct Z-I-T-O What is it? She's spelled Shelby S-H-E-L

B-E-E-E Shelby Z-O Shelby Z-E-E-E-O You want to take a stab at Z-E-E-T-O? You're already wrong Z-I-T-I-T-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-T-E-E-E-T-O. You're already wrong. T-Z-Z-E-E-T-O.

S-Z-E-E-T-O. Z-E-O. This is like a triple-so-va. Oh, Shelby's for the fight. Here's for the show. You're skipping. There's an actual money line.

I know. One full of the... Does that say something money? Yeah. What song is that? That's, uh... Here's for the money. Zetas for the show.

Oh, boss gag. Lido. Lido's waiting for... Boss. Cagags. Yeah. Sikags. Sikags.

Sikags. She's been sentenced to how many years in prison? Hit me really quick. True. One, four. Three years. Oh, we were all around it. Order to forfeit the luxury items that she blew company funds on for herself using company credit cards.

It's stealing. I needed this jet ski. How was I supposed to land the Vermont account? The Connecticut people. How are we supposed to in wine and dine the Connecticut people? They expect water taxis. They expect that. The Connecticut people, they want to see me having fun.

They requested to see a wine seller that I did not have. so I needed to go down there and build it. 250 luxury items. Holy crap. She was forced to forfeit. The list of stuff she fraudulently bagged included a 2020 Tesla. What? Okay.

What do you want me to take the Connecticut people around? What if I told you like all these things get like because of public records, you can see all these things and all these things are in like next year's Oscar suite. Gifting sweet. A 2021. Porsche Sport Utility vehicles. Jesus. You don't need a boat.

Yes. You don't need a Porsche SUV. There was more Connecticut people than I thought. We needed two cars. The Connecticut people are coming. How are we going to drive around? 46 Chanel handbags. No.

What kind of expensive count is this? It's one that's not being checked. But even then, like, what, there's no card that exists. Wait, wait. I bet after a while she started rationalized and by going, I think they want me to do this. I know. Yeah. If I have 38 Chanel handbags, how many more you think I need?

Eight. Six. Eight more. I'd say eight more and then I'm good. Eight. She's flipping those. I'm going to do eight more and then I'm good. You want a baker's dozen dozen.

She's flipping those bags. Is there anything less necessary than a handbag? You're probably right. There's nothing we need less in the world. I'm telling you, people love their handbag. I have three women in my house. They love them. But they don't need them.

They don't need them. Bags be handed. We're a Sebastian. Are you Cini's pan bags? I mean he's here. I want to ask you to guess. $1,000. $2,000, that's nothing.

How many Rolex watches do you think she bought? 15. 15. Oh, my God, 25. 16 Rolex. Oh, my God. Why? So that's two cars.

Got to know what time it is twice a day for two weeks. She's flipping all this stuff. She's a 250 luxury items. We just listed a few of them. She's buying all this to resell. She's got a crazy eBay store. Check her posh market account. Zito of Fremont, California.

pleaded guilty to wire fraud money laundering and related tax charges in March. She worked for HP first as an executive assistant. She moved up. Yeah, no wonder HP is having a rough time. She's had a rough time. She's got plans. Oh, she got plans for this.

From about August 2017 until June 2021, according to U.S. Prosecuit. Oh, she went right through COVID. At a certain point, she's like, I guess I'm just going to get an off of the handbag. I'm going to keep going. Nobody's going to stop me. Look, COVID's going to come and everyone's going to forget about this. You just started three years before.

I know, but she's like, you think I have a shopping God complex? I am God. How much money does she spend you think? That's about, that's over a million dollars. COVID God or because they were like, why are we still spending so much money? No one's in the office. 16 Rolex watches is like $200,000. Yeah, easily. It depends. Yeah, it depends.

As part of her job, Zito was responsible for paying HP vendors and as such, she had multiple company credit cards that were supposed to be used to make payments on HP. behalf, not for personal expenses. No shit. So she definitely spread this across multiple cards. However, instead of using these cards to pay HP's bills, we're told she set up bogus PayPal, stripe, and

square profiles that were under Zito's control but looked like legitimate merchant accounts. Zito then funded dozens of fraudulent payments from the HP credit cards to the bogus accounts and bought hundreds of luxury goods for herself, totaling how much

money. We were talking about this. Okay, I'm going to say three and a half million. So the Porsche is probably $200,000. The Tesla's like... The Scy is probably $100. 100. What are you going with? I said $3.5 million, but it feels a little high right now.

Oh, no. 200 items? Like, they're... 250 luxury items. Who knows it? I mean, I got to say 5.6 million. Wow.

10 million. She bought hundreds of luxury goods for herself, totaling 4 million. Oh. Look at it. Look at him. Let him know. Let him know.

She also tried to charge another $330,000 to an HP card via a square account under her control and Square declined to process the transaction. Even Square before HP was like, we're out of this. We're out of this game. We can't be complicit in this. We're not stripe. We're not triangle. We're square.

Meanwhile, I'm using Square at the merch table to sell like a $15. It'll go through. It'll go through. Same. By the way, I found my cards. Oh, nice. Jay did not find. Jay did not find out there.

Plus, to further her scam, Zito uploaded falsified invoices to H.P. She's running a whole bracket. This is a, yes, it's a scam. The whole thing. Falsified invoices to H.P.'s internal system and told the IT giant that the payments were made to legitimate suppliers. She also made false representations to Square and First Republic Bank. Not them.

Not them. The phony stripe and square merchant accounts were leaked to Zito's personal bank account, and the fraudulent funds were a legitimate business transaction. I don't feel like, I still feel like she could have done this better. It was too easily looping right back to her. She also could have stopped and got out. Yes, she could have gotten out three years and go. Two bags and go.

Two bags and an SUV? Because think of how many people are doing this and not getting caught? Because they're just doing a little bit less. First of all, don't do this. Okay, there's, please don't do this. Do it. No. Greed is almost always the reason people get caught.

Yep. If you sum up the ability to break the law and not. You got greedy, bitch. You can operate for a long time. You got greedy and then you got slopp. Finally, Zito also failed to report the income to the Internal Revenue Service when she filed their tax returns. Of course she did.

How would she have? But she was too dumb because they got all the money coming in. The bank reports all this. In February, Zito was charged with two counts of wire fraud, two counts of money laundering, and one count of filing a false tax return before pleading guilty to all five counts a month later. And four counts of looking too sexy for her handbags. But also five counts feels low to me.

Over four years? She needs many more counts. In a letter to the judge prior to her sentencing hearing, Zito said that she took full responsibility for her, gross. There must be some way we can She definitely opens her trench coat. These are different. These aren't the ones these are ones I already had.

Let me ask you something. How you doing? You look like a Look at it. It looks like a stylish What's how you're doing? What's going to take to put you in one of these? I can put you in one of these. You got one of those over there?

You got a wife? You got her like this. Hey. Let's all be happy. Let's all be here. Nothing for you. But your wife. Your wife might not bribe an official of the show.

Your wife know how to drive? Your wife want a handbag. She took four responsibility for her crimes. Noted she was suffering from addiction when she committed them and has since been in recovery to help her problems. She's also said, I couldn't bear the shame guilt of my past actions. My past actions were selfish.

Apology to her. And utterly appalling, she wrote. When committing my crimes, I was trying. Someone should punish me. This, I don't, look, if you're, if you're an addict, right. If she's co-opping addiction, fuck her. Also, she's a shopaholic, guys. But I don't, I don't like this excuse.

When committing my crimes, I was trying to impress people so they'd want to be in my life and not abandon me. Now I have a whole support system of people who love me for who I am. I would say you had that the first time. did need to do that. Now the people know, no one loves you. She did this for four years

to impress people. Does that mean she's just given the bags? I don't know. It sounds like a plan. You know, she had a plan. She had a plan. I'm going to be honest with you. I only like you because you're handbags in both times.

You're like, I don't think she's that bad of a person. She is just trying her best. Rolex, Rolex, Rolex, Rolex, Rolex. I get it. In addition to her sentencing her to 36 months behind bars, federal district judge Haywood Gilliam, Jr. Heywood.

Your name is Haywood. Hayward Gilliam. Hayward Gilliam. Heywood Gilliam. Gilliam for two minutes. Ordered Zito to serve three years of supervised release after her present term has a special condition. She's not going to do anything. Just don't let her any other money.

She'll be fine. She now works for compact computers. I'll ask you this. We'll get out of here. How old? Compact. She works for Dell. And they're just happy to have someone in the office.

Commodore 64. Like, we're still in business? Oh, wait, Commodore. That's, that's, that's, new logo. We're still in business? Yeah. Dude, you're really getting a Dell?

We're still doing this? You're really getting a Dell? Dude, you're getting a Dell. How Dell didn't get Adele to, like, sing hello? They missed that. Oh, my God. That should at least be the sound when you booted in my hometown. But all their boxes were cow themed.

Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. That was gateway. Oh, that was Gateway. You're right. Dan, that's gateway. Gateway was big, man. Gateway was really big.

Gateway's a drug day. We're supposed to be great computers. Gateway's a doorway into getting a Dell. Dude you're getting a Dell. Whatever happened to the dude you're getting a Dell guy. He's married to her. No. Her and the Zetes?

That's her support system. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. Then I'm happy to him. She has a tech support system. Did Dell guy and the Zeez? What is up with that? I do want to know what's up with that guy for real.

That's the only one I've actually ever cared about. He's that guy. He's a good person. Dude, you get an Dell. Not you're not, you don't care about. Can you hear me now? That guy's made so much money. No, because that guy's fine.

No, he jumped ship, he went over, he went from, uh, someone Verizon to team up. And he made a lot of money doing so. Oh, yeah, of course he did. They let that. They bought him out. And he murdered a guy. Oh, no, that was Pat McAfee. No, that was the Maccalfe.

That was Jerry from Subwell. No, the McAfee. I got hated worse shit. Jerry from Subway, it's Jared. Okay. Jerry if you know. Jerry from Subwall. How old.

Yeah, that's where you. I don't know what you guys are talking about. I'm talking about. Jerry from Subwall. He's a great person who's ever done anything. He doesn't know about Subwall. It's a wall of subs. You get to pick the ones, pre-mates.

You go up to a wall. I mean, let me ask you, Sam. I can walk up to the sub wall. Any sub. I just grab a meatball sub. From the bottom, I can grab a sub. It's just another sub in the wall.

You just grab a sub off. You just grab a sub. Off the wall, you grab a sub. All in all, it's just another sub in the wall. I just grabbed a sub on the wall. I just grabbed a sub off. Who do I tell? Who do I tell if I grab that?

It nose by your hands in Chicago. Tell Jerry. Wait, does that sub wall have face recognition? Now we're in Chicago. Yeah, now we're in Chicago. New location. Can I grab a deep dish slice off that same sub wall? Go ahead.

Grab a slice. Grab a slice on that wall. All right, I'm getting us out of here. That sounds fun. How old is Shelby Zeta? I have an update on the Dell guy. Yeah. Ben Curtis, the acronym, as the district.

Dell, dude. Ben Curtis, isn't that the guy? 26 popular commercials from 2000 to 2003. Great. After a 2003 arrest for marijuana possession, bingo. Bullshit charge. He was let go.

He pivoted to acting, returning to Dell as an ambassador 20 years later. Good. That's when they made it right. Once we got legal. Once an ambassador, though. You go around to like warp tour and stuff and tell people like, get a Dell. And then they're like, Adel's playing here? And they're like, no, the computer, but still comes check it out.

Yeah, get Adele too. She's single. She probably is into Adel's. Okay. How old is Shelby Zito? 47. 47. She started her action in 2017.

She'd been hired an executive assistant before that. Old enough to know. 31. 31? 36. One of you is only one year off. You all get the option to go up a year down here. 46.

37. 37. I'm going down a year. You are? Yep. Shelby. Zito is. And then Randy will bring us home a story.

Number three, Shelby Zito is 30 years old. Hood up, hood up, and he means it. Put up, and he means it. No, what he's doing? He flexed on us. They don't even know to put his headphones on. Lot of you out of cook. Sub wall.

Suck it, big time. Subwall, everybody. All right, I got a great. I go grab whatever I want out there. It's sub wall. You pick what you want. You go home with it or you eat it right there. You just eat that subwall right there.

You could eat whatever you want. It's a sub wall. You just grab that thing off. So I can just walk up. to the wall and pull the thing off the wall? This is the local commercial. Hey, buddy, you ever read a fucking newspaper? Okay? I mean, you just reach up and you're ready. You just go

grab it. What if I want to grab a sub all the way up on the top? Hey, buddy, what if you need help getting your head out of your ass? Okay. All right, grab a sub. You're selling it, but you're also oddly rude to people who are just trying to understand how this new sub wall works. How do you pay for this? I don't know. Maybe money. You ever heard of it? You got a credit card, huh?

Jesus Christ. What's going on here? I used to work at a Christmas Street lot. Because he's also mad. Because he created sub-wall so he wouldn't have to deal with people. He just take a sub and leave your money. I don't understand. You got to explain how to sub-wall work.

Indiana Jones where I have to put the same weight of an item where the sub was. Are also funny to me. You know what? Yes. Yes, it is like that. Someone inconvenience by their own problem solved for the world that is now creating more problems for them will always make me. I just want to understand the subwall. You're figuring it out, buddy.

Good job. Go do that. I don't do that, honey. I don't know that, sweetheart. I have a story coming up where this has been sent. The clip has been sent many times. We're going to watch the video. We're just going to try and understand what happened.

I love that. It's Dumb People's Town with Johnny Pemberton. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make us down. Come you down here down. Hey, gang, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into this final story in a great video.

Daniel, what's cooking? I'll keep it simple. Just go to Daniel VanCirk.com. There's so many places I'm going to be all over the country between now and October. And then dates will be added between now and then and even at. after then. Chances are I'm going to be near you. Obviously, Chicago, I'll say that. In the summer, I'm doing my week of shows at the Lincoln Lodge that I've done the past few summers. I get to do it again. It's great. Hub City Comedy Week. That's the 15th through the 18th,

but there's tons of other great shows. Ron the Midwest, East Coast, South, up Pacific Northwest, Daniel vancirk.com. Love it. Also check out the Midnight Air, your other podcast. Thanks, buddy. This story is sent in by David Fornier at DP Fornier 2, the number two. So viral video shows vehicle taking a joyride on Top Golf driving range in Charlotte. Did you see this? How do you get in? That sounds fun. How do you get out?

I tell you son, that's the best drive I had all day. Drove right out on it. I drove right out. I drove right out of it. Right out of the Top Golf. It's like Top Golf for sandwiches. Oh, so you grab a sandwich up. You grab a sandwich up.

They got clubs for you right there. I'll grab a club sandwich. Everything, hey. All right, forget. Open face sandwiches. They got those footage. Open face sandwich. We don't do that.

Health Department said no. They said no. A viral video made around social media last week or week before showing a vehicle driving on a top golf driving range. Yes, there were several jokes made about a certain high profile golfer. Tiger. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to take the high road here and say. Just like tagging it before he fell in that ditch.

Thank you. and assumed that he was nowhere near this location. He was high on the road too. The video claimed what looked like an SUV was driven by a drunk man who was seen urinating in the parking lot before his little adventure at a location in Charlotte. It was like netting all the way down? So he did everything wrong. There's a bathroom there.

You can go to the bathroom at a top golf. And I'm sure you could just walk in. There's a lot of drunk. You don't have to pay to go in these. That only matters if you're going to be in one of the golf balls. But the truth is if you're like, hey, I'm meeting some. some friends here. You don't even have to say I'm going to walk right in and go to the bathroom, but he's

peeing outside. You don't have to say meeting friends. You just walk in and go to the bathroom. You can walk in and say, I have no friends. And just go straight to the back. I'm hoping to make friends in the bathroom. I have no friends! And you go piss.

Scream it. Scream it in the bathroom. According to the local outlet, the Queen City News and incident involving a vehicle on the range. But there is a vehicle that collects the balls. So that's kind of fun if you try and hit and swing and hit the ball at the vehicle. He's coward driving around. get out of your car, run around up there.

Let's see they can really hit you. So they didn't confirm or deny that any of the other report details. You know the details, not about whether there was a high-profile golf or behind the wheel. This is ridiculous. The ones about the vehicle who was being driven by a drunk driver took a leak in the parking lot beforehand on the range. While some may consider those valuable details completing the picture, we'll make do without them. What they did pass along was a report stating that the incident in top golf location took place around what time on a Sunday.

1 p.m. 5 p.m. Yeah, I like that. I'll go 6.30 p.m. This was, get your answers in town. This was taken around 12.15 a.m. on a Sunday. So night. Oh, so Saturday night.

That's right. Saturday night. Saturday. If you're going to have night goal. There it is. There he goes. Oh, hell yeah. Just driving up.

There he goes. Doesn't even have his lights on. How does he get out of there? Doesn't even have his lights on. His brake lights on. What kind of car is it? Oh, look at him. Because he was tapping the brakes.

He's trying to drive through the net. He's driving through the net. He's like a caught fish. And he's just, that's a small-all-ass-out ass out. That's going to break the net. I would be swinging for that. I'd be swinging for that. I'd be swinging for that.

I'd be swinging for that thing. Now, if you hit it, you're a damn big golfer. Yeah, yeah. That's a hell of a drive. Yeah, you can one-hop. You drove it to the end of that. Look, he's going to try and get it. He's getting out.

He's getting out. That's a Cadillac. Oh, my God. That is an escalade. No, it's like a Kia. It might be a big Kia. Is it a big, is that a tell you ride? That's my guess.

Give it a ride. Okay, he's going to try and go out that way. How do you get on the thing? That's what I've been wondering. How did he get in there? How did he get? Well, look, his headlight is damaged, so he probably bashed through something. I know.

But like, okay, watch this. Some guy drove through the long. Listen to the volume. Can we turn out the volume, Aaron? Oh, my God. Oh, my. If you saw this, Dan, you'd be like, here comes five minutes of material. I'd be swinging for the fences.

I'd be swinging on that guy. He's trying to get out. I'm kind of impressed at how long it's taking staff to get out there. Who's screaming? Let him go. He's driving off a cliff. This isn't Thelman Louise. He did it to himself.

Sometimes you got to scream. Yeah, he just let it out. It's kind of fun. Yeah, bro. Bro. Bro. He is crazy, bro. I mean, do you keep playing?

I guess you just... Oh, I don't know why people aren't hitting. Absolutely keep playing. I'm just... No one's hitting. No one's hitting. I start swinging on that dude. And by the way,

apparently he drove like towards the bays a little bit. What if he fell in one of the things? The pit. Doesn't he sort of look like a Roomba trying to make his way around the dining area? He's just trying to... It's cleaning the pool. He starts out real strong, going real fast.

It's an active investigation. Respect to the golfers who hung in there and didn't let a vehicle on the range to keep them from working on their swing. Although that's not really what people at Top Golf do. It's working on this swing. It's having for that. Thank you.

And dedication pays off when now you take that swing out to the golf course. That's a bogey. It's a boogie on the course. Beogie on the course. I love that thing so much. It's not as good as a subwall. But why not? What a putts.

Man, that would be wild. What a putts. Working on his puts. Guys, that is the story. That's story three. The movie is Mermaid. You can check it out on VOD on May 12. 26. Is that right?

Yeah, after you, and then you can see me in Hawaii the next day. Hey! 28, 28. You're doing Bluno? Blue note, 28. Oh, nice. Fantastic, dude. All your dates are at.

Johnny Pemberton.org. Dot dog. I love it. Guys, that is a show. Do it up. That's how we do. We love you. Thank you for all that you do.

And, oh, snap, we've got to get back to work. Peace. Thanks for having me.