Dumb People Town - Jon Gabrus - Hey Grandma, Go Sit On That!

Episode Date: June 4, 2019

In Story 1, a suspect tells police he's a cat.  In a Stitcher Premium extended segment: a deep dive into all things Vegas!  Story 2 brings us a man who breaks a photo bomber's nose.  In Story 3,  we almost lose a grandma.  

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population new Population new. Population Gabrus. John Gabrus. Welcome to the show. John G. Gabrus. Thanks for having me, guys. John G. Gabrus.

Jingleheimer Schmidt. Yes. His name is my name too. Dude, we've been wanting to get you on for a long, long time. Not because we think you're dumb, but we think you understand the world of dumb. I have one leg in dumb in any given moment. You swim in those waters. Yeah, yeah.

I grew up in those waters and I dive in every once in a while. Where'd you grow up? And you saved people from those waters. I'm from Long Island. Strong Island representing. There you go.

There's Earthquake in Nassau. Oh, wow. Gee. Atlantic Beach. So now you can see why Dumb People Town is in my wheelhouse. My wife's family

like lived in like kind of near Atlantic Beach area. You kind of go down that area, you see some dumb that you just are like. Old fashioned East Coast town. Oh, New York isn't as refined as I thought it was. But it has confidence. It's 30 minutes outside of New York City, 40 years behind it. Exactly. That's the way we said that about, we were in Bloomington, Indiana, about Martinsville,

which is where the KKK started It's like maybe 20 miles and 200 years away from Give or take a decade Give or take a decade Daniel, the world's getting dumber We get amazing stories sent to us reminding us that And we'll talk about what John has going on in the second break But we gotta jump into some dumbness right away

Okay Ready? Yes Sent in by Nicholas J we got to jump into some dumbness right away. Okay. Ready? Yes. Sent in by Nicholas J. at the Notorious BRT. Nice. Which doesn't seem to be his initials, so I'm not...

Maybe he's talking about the BART? It's more of a takeoff on Ruth Bader Ginsburg than it is on... I'll take that. Biggie Smalls, right? It's like more of a... It's an anagram for a takeoff. Waukesha for a takeoff waukesha county wisconsin oh yeah an area of the country i'm extremely familiar is it in the dells dan waukesha no i don't know well waukesha it might be near milwaukee because waukesha is a town outside of

milwaukee like if you told me dan that waukesha is where Americans ate their first pickle, I'd believe you. Oh, yeah. You can give me any state fair bullshit, and I'll believe you. It's like where the largest pig was found. It's actually where the largest pig who could swim was found. There are bigger pigs, but they have drowned. I went to a state fair once, and

the big thing was like, watch this little pig swim, and it swam in a thing that was maybe as long as this table. And so many people showed up to see it. I was like, more people showed up to see it than to see us do comedy. And by the way, the pig fucking made us wait. I was like, you're not going to big time us here. Who are you, Axl Rose?

We got to watch the pig stretch. Stretch that gullet, piggy. No, the pig's coming from a strip club. And it just needs its time. Look, we can't tell this pig when to start swimming. All right? It's coming from a strip club It needs its time We can't tell this pig when to start swimming It's going to do what it does Well, Waukesha County, home of the fried cotton candy That's not true, Dan

You made that up See, that's the most That's where it started, right? I'm here in Waukesha County Where they're deep frying cotton candy Let's take it on over to the stand. Funnel clouds, funnel cakes. Waukesha County is actually where those girls did the Slender Man murders.

Oh, great. Oh, shit. Good. Those are my idols. Dying to get them on my podcast. They're very authoritative about Slender Man. They're perfect for high and mighty. They know what they're talking about.

They understand how to lure somebody in. A man who told police he was a cat and threatened to knock out an officer is facing multiple charges. Are cats that violent? No, they don't give a shit. Cats don't care. I'm going to say this. He might be a cat, but he ain't no pussy. Yeah.

That's probably what he said. Because he's going after those cops. And multiple violations. It's like you assaulted a police officer and you pretended to be a cat. And I hope the assault was that he just kind of laid in wait for a while and then ran out and started scratching the cop's foot.

He's like, don't, come on, man. He just rubbed his back against the cop's legs. And you're like, stop it. The cop goes to put the cuffs on. He's like. The suspect licked my neck with their rough tongue. They took the taser on the ground. And the suspect hid under a bed for two years because someone jostled the cabinet.

The cops pull out like laser-sighted fucking pistols. He just started making them run around. He just chases it all over. He knocks the cop down, gets on the cop and just starts kneading him. Making dough on his little belly. What are you doing? He's taking a shit in a box. He's like, let him

do it. Do you think he's... Because we don't know the order of these crimes. He could have assaulted a cop and then run away into a pet store. And the cop comes in and goes, have you seen anyone? He's just in a little crate. What were we... Me? I a little crate. What were we? Me? I'm a cat.

What were we meowing last night that was the most fun thing in the world? Under the bridge? Oh, yeah. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, It was so fun to do. We walked out of the improv like full voice at like 1.30 in the morning. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Red hot chili tabbies. There is something joyful about pretending to be a cat singing a song about heroin destroying your life.

100%. Under a bridge. Ready for this name? Yeah. Double G. Graydon Gibson. Graydon. Wow.

His parents constantly talking to him to get over here. But you know when he was a shitty kid, somebody had to call him D. Graydon. Don't D. Graydon. Your life is going downhill, son. Like one lippy teacher called him D. Graydon. Graydon, listen to me. Graydon. Set down Graydon.

Anybody who was at a claim jumper waiting for their table was like, I've had enough of Graydon. Graydon, sit down. Not the beeper down. They say not to trust people with two first names. How do they feel about two people with two last names? Well, those are the cats of this world. Did he hyphenate

his names like that? Graydon Gibson? He hyphenates his first and last name. It should be like... Alan Graydon Gibson. He activates his first and last name. It should be like Alan Graydon Gibson. Alan Graydon Gibson was one of our nation's greatest poets. Didn't realize he was gay. Graydon Gibson.

He didn't write the poem Howl. He wrote the poem Prowl. There it is. Meow. Meow. Graydon Gibson. Alan Graydon Gibson

is charged with misdemeanor bail jumping, disorderly conduct, and obstructing an officer. According to a criminal complaint, police were called after someone reported seeing a body under a tree near the tennis court in Beverly Hills Park in Brookfield. Okay, first of all, the fact that Wisconsin

named someplace Beverly Hills Park. It's like in Michigan. Eddie Murphy picked up a transvestite there. A trans person, I guess, is the better way to say it. Isn't there a Beverly Hills in Michigan, too? I'm almost certain there is. I think there's going to be Beverly Hills in a lot more

cities that are way different than Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills Trailer Park. There's always a Hollywood tanning salon. Oh, for sureiler Park. There's always like a Hollywood tanning salon. Oh, for sure. There, I think, is a Hollywood tanning salon in Hollywood. And I'm like, what are you doing? We have this. Just call it a tanning salon.

Thank you. This should be in Grand Rapids. Or how great would it be if it was a Grand Rapids tanning in Hollywood? That would be the funniest thing I've ever seen. Heartland tanning. Yeah, I love that name. I just love the idea of this call The 911 hello Yeah there's a body under a tree

Where is it Beverly Hills Park Is it on the tennis court No it's by it He's got a little tail pinned to his pants Was he thinking No he's purring He's purring.

He walked around in a circle four times before he was laid down. Better make sure he's declawed. Well, I think he was up in the tree and they called

the fire department to get him down and then he fell and they were like, switch it to the cops. Did I ever tell you guys about the time that I was playing tennis

here over on Riverside by Los Feliz with my buddy? We were playing at this court that had, like, stands and everything. My buddy Bill and I were playing, and all of a sudden this guy, this really ratty-looking dude comes up and is like, as we're playing, there was a plug, like a plug by where we were playing. An outlet?

Yeah. He's like, you guys mind if I charge my iPhone here, charge my phone here? And we's like, you guys mind if I charge my iPhone here? Charge my phone here? And we're like, yeah, sure. He sits down and rolls up his pants, huge swastika on his calf, and just sits there. I'm like, he's going to- Wait, he just rolled his pants up for no reason? Rolled his pants up.

I think there was a reason. He saw your nose and was like, let me roll up my pants. Thank you. Thank you. That is a statement right there Of like, this is who I am Hey, fuck you guys, enjoy tennis Enjoy, enjoy I was like, I love that your phone doesn't

Like as much of an asshole as you are Your phone doesn't have juice Do you have a Samsung charger? What's that? Do you have a dongle? Maybe your phone's not pure enough Okay, so body by the tennis courts. Body by the tennis courts.

I'm thinking could be a Nazi. Around 11.30 p.m. on April 7th, right? Oh, shit. If I remember correctly, it was probably like a Thursday or Friday. Wow, damn. No, April 7th was a, this past year, was a Sunday. You sure? April 8th was a Monday, and that was my wife's birthday. Yeah, because the third

is my mom's and that was a Tuesday. Do you know what I got her as a gift? Do you know what I got her as a gift? Calf swastika. A calendar that said how close her birthday was to yours? Nope. A body laying under a tennis court. Oh, I thought you were going to say the cat version of Under the Bridge downtown on a CD. Yeah, man, man, man. Under the

tennis court. We're going to get sued. We're still going to get sued. I don't know if this falls under parody law. It does. Brookfield police found Gibson. It's parody law. That's Claude Brothers. I'm doing the clap

that a soccer player does when he's just leaving the pitch. He's just saying. That's a soccer clap too. He's asking himself for applause. He's just saying. It's a soccer clap, too. He's asking himself for applause. He's asking the crowd. He's like, come on. I'm going to show you what you have to do for me.

This is what you need to do. But I'm doing that to Gabrus on that one. Thank you, guys. Brookfield police found Gibson lying on the ground after shaking him and checking his pulse. Gibson slowly began to wake up. The officer said he was stretching every little bit. He said he was extremely lethargic and swore at her before

meowing and saying he was a cat. By the way, this is exactly the way cats are. That's what I was going to say. Every person who doesn't want to get arrested is essentially being a cat. Non-compliance. That is the key to any cat's life. This was in our last special. We said, like, nobody in ever. The best thing you could ever say about a cat is he's like a dog.

Yeah. He's like a dog. He does tricks. He knows his name. You can walk him. No one's ever said, like, you got to meet my dog. He thinks he's a cat. Nobody.

My cat rules. It's just like a dog. Well, wait till you see fucking dogs. Yeah, exactly. That's why I said anyone who loves. I'm a cat person. I'm like, well, you've never had a dog. Yeah, wait till you see fucking dogs. Yeah, exactly. That's why I said anyone who loves, I'm a cat person. I'm like, well, you've never had a dog.

I've had cats I loved, but specific cats. I understand that. I get that. The pitch for cats are either they're just like a dog or they're no work whatsoever.

And if you're like, yeah, I like this pet because I don't have to deal with it. Right. I like this pet because it's like a pigeon on my porch.

Indoor pigeons. Indoor pigeons. Now, we know Graydon is white, A, because his name is Graydon, and B, because he wasn't immediately shot pretending to be a cat. That's true.

The officer tried to ask Gibson what was going on, but he would not answer. Very cat-like. That's cat. Come on. Pay attention. He is a cat.

Look over here. Look at me. Right. When asked how much he had to drink the night before, it's 1130 p.m. If he would have said just a tiny saucer of whiskey. I would have said just a nip of whiskey. It's even better. When asked how much he had to drink the night before, Graydon Gibson said, quote, not enough.

Awesome. That's a great answer. At that point, you have to just go like, this guy's got some valid points. Where do you need to write to, buddy? You want to stop anywhere? You want to hold my gun? We can charge taff at Chipotle. We're going to let you use the badge tonight. Okay. All right. Get the

barbacoa, brother. Get it. When I was in Chicago, that was a big selling point. I was like, man, these cops. Because in Chicago, cops don't get charged for anything. I don't know how it works in LA. I know Chipotle does have a company-wide first responders always are half price. New York's not allowed to do that. Really? Why?

But do you think they don't? Well, of course not. I mean, no, I think the cops follow all the rules. Have you seen The 7-5? That's the best guy. You watched it? Yes. I remember telling you about it months ago

You watched it Those are my relatives in that movie They're all like They all fucking live on Long Island They all moved to Long Island of course So I looked in the room And the guy looks like Jim Brewer I look in the room and the bag's open

I see a little bit of money I'm like that's my fucking money But the thing about that documentary is the the most chilling moment for me is when a clean cop jay why don't you spoil it for everybody there's a million things in this thing for me i said is when a clean cop said the first day i met this guy shook his hand yeah he was like i as he walked away i'm like that guy's a perp that guy's not a cop Even though he's in cop clothes Yeah he just had that Feeling around him

Perp energy My favorite was like So we talked about it We said You know Let's not Let's not like You know

Be overt here You know Everybody You know The next day This old bitch rolls up In a red cherry convertible I know

He drives a fucking Lambo It's like that scene In Goodfellas Where they come in With the coats And it's like Take them off Get out of here

Get out of here What are you doing I tried to tell I. I love that. We just pulled off the... We just did Lufthansa. Get the fuck out of here. That is an unbelievable, unbelievable documentary. It's about the 1970s.

Yeah, these two guys. 80s. One guy who was dirty who got another guy who wasn't dirty but who wasn't making enough money into everything and they just started shaking people down. Unbelievable. And not like, oh, we skim a little off the top. Drug runners.

Doing full on like they were working as criminals. Yeah, we're going to be the drug lords. They – somehow I watched the entire movie and they're the heroes. I don't even understand. It's like a documentary about corrupt cops, two things I hate, corruption and police. And at the end of it, I was like, I'm with those guys. Like, I don't know how. They won you over.

It's like when you are- They are charming. It's like, it's clear how they got away with it for so long. They're like scamps. They're scamps. You can see- They're lovable. The main guy owns it.

He owns it so much that you're like, I just- Yeah. I can't really- You're not lying. What about the big heavy metal bassist guy? He's like, I come in there and I'm like six foot six, so I start throwing people around. You know, you're like, uh. I don't know if you're talking about high school football.

You're talking about breaking the law. But you're saying in New York that you're not allowed to get a discount as a police officer. Yes. Because I think they would take full advantage of that. Imagine going into a fucking bodega and you can just take whatever you want if you're a cop. So how much do you have to drink? Not enough. Not enough.

You win. Come on, you're coming with us. Let's get you a few more pops then, brother. Let's get great into the bar. The officer reported that while speaking with Gibson, he was saying random things that did not make sense and could smell alcohol on his breath. Wow, what a weird way to say he was drunk. He kept talking about his dead dad and his breath. Wow, what a weird way to say he was drunk. He kept talking about his dead dad and his breath smelled like alcohol.

The captain's yelling at him about his report. He's like, just write drunk. He's like, Sarge, you weren't there. I didn't have a breathalyzer, Sarge. I couldn't prove it. I am known for my writing. I like to give you the context and let you make the decision. The best dad's right. I set up the dots. And let you make the decision I set up the dots

I let you connect While being checked out by first responders The complaint says that Graydon Gibson was not cooperative And yelled profanities before he was Eventually medically cleared Very Catholic Later Gibson allegedly became belligerent Telling the officer

So he became a feral cat, essentially. Quote, I'm gonna knock you the fuck out. That is very un-cat-like. Right. Yeah, because they'll just do it. Right. And clenching his fist while staring at a firefighter. The firefighter. The firefighter. The first responder. He's over there with an axe like,

hey, hey, hey. You want me to split his head open? Hey. This reminds me of all those times working door or just being in bars in Chicago where you can see the way someone's standing and you're like, that person wants to fight. He's just standing there with his just looking at the...

Head cocked a little bit to the side. I was a bartender for like five years and I could truly look in a crowd of people and say who's going to fuck and who's going to fight. That's right. This guy's going to fight. That's right. This guy's going to fight. You're looking for it.

You also can totally tell which couples are in fights that they haven't told anybody else about. That's my favorite shit ever is when you see a woman pull her hand away secretly from a distance. You see a woman pull her hand out from her boyfriend. What happened there? There we go. I'll still at bars, two door guys be like, hey,

you guys do whatever you want. You run this however you want. I just want you to know that guy's going to be a problem for you in about 10 minutes. You guys can do whatever you want. Nine minutes in, you walk over deck that guy. I'm like, see? Told you. He gets up and starts fighting. You're like, I told you. 10 minutes. I'm on time. This guy

on the nose. Am I clairvoyant or what? You owe me big time, guys. There you go. You're like, I told you, 10 minutes. I want to die. This guy, on the nose. Am I clairvoyant or what? You owe me big time, guys. There you go. You're welcome for the tip. He was clenching his fist while staring at a police officer. Like a firefighter, I think you said. Firefighter. A firefighter, yes. Well, that's a smart move. If you're gonna start a fight with someone, choose the one that doesn't have a pistol

on their belt. Choose the guy who was just posing for a calendar. Yeah, he was facing the other way doing a shoot. He didn't realize. When asked if he would cooperate with police, Graydon Gibson responded, quote, I don't know. Am I going to be arrested?

That's a good... Put it on them. Why are the cops even asking? Just find out. Are you going to cooperate? So far, the answer has been no. You say that as you're bending his arm behind him and cuffing him up. Well, yeah, you've got to say that stuff for the body cam audio.

You've got to be like, listen up. And meanwhile, you're just kneeling in the middle of his scapula. I don't want to blame them, but you've got to know the right question. I can't go into my son and be like, what do you want for breakfast? I have to go in and be like, do you want a bagel or do you want pancakes? I've got to narrow it down to two. Fine, then we can have both. You can have one or the other,

but I can't be like, what do you want? Are you going to cooperate? Are you going to cooperate? It's going to be like, you ready for the cuffs or are you not? Now you got two choices. No, I'm not. Well, now I'm going to put my knee in your neck.

Don't give drunk people or children open-ended questions. Oh, yeah. You got to frame the discussion. Even your friend. Don't ask drunk people or children open-ended questions. Too many choices. Oh, yeah. You've got to frame the discussion. But never, even your friend. Don't ask your drunk friend, where do you want to go? That's right. Do you want to go to Taco Bell or do you want to go home? Do you want to go to another bar or do you want to go home?

Right. Because if you say, where do you want to go, Disneyland might come in. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's too many options. And not a lot of people know this, but that's a binding question if you say to your buddy when you're leaving a bar, where do you want to go? It's a contractual obligation. I like Magic Mountain. Well, we're not going to go? It's a contractual obligation. I like Magic Mountain.

Well, we're not going to go to Magic Mountain. You said go anywhere. Well, no. I didn't say go anywhere. I definitely didn't say anywhere. You said anywhere. No. He's going back on what he's saying.

You said anywhere. I like when you ask. I'm out there. This guy's a liar. Leave him alone. That's what I was going to say. I like when you ask a drunk person an open-ended question and get a different answer. Like, where do you want to eat?

He never even liked me. Come on. Nobody's even talking about that right now. We asked about where you wanted to eat. You don't like me, and that guy walking by doesn't like me? He definitely doesn't like me. That is a woman. And Brian, it's great that people don't like you, but come on, let's keep going.

Let's keep going. Come on, Brian. No, I'm not leaving until you apologize. Too many choices. Too many choices. If you say Taco Bell or here, then they got to give you an answer. I heard what you were looking at. No.

Taco Bell or here. Or Chick-fil-A. The complaint says that Gibson refused to tell officers his full correct name multiple times. I would too if my name was Graydon. But maybe he did and they were like, come on, man. Give us your real name. Stop making shit up. Graydon wins. And gave police a fake

birth date. Yeah. He got the year right, but it was like September 4th, 42. In order to identify Gibson, Brookfield Police used law enforcement records and matched him with a

previous booking photo. Guys, run-ins before? Authorities also reported they found a bottle of Admiral Nelson in his backpack. I have no idea. That's cat tranquilizer. It's just straight up. It's highly marketed.

Or is it cereal? Captain Crunch knockoffs? No, no, no. Admiral Nelson is just below Captain Morgan. If they were on a ship. If they were a naval hierarchy. It is like how Jack Daniels' shitty friend

is Evan Williams. Or Jimmy Walker. I've looked it up. Johnny Walker. It is a type of shitty whiskey. Jimmy Walker dynamite whiskey. I got pulled over one time in college. My roommates were pushing me home in a shopping cart.

Of course. And like on Route 9 in Poughkeepsie. And the cops were like, whoop, whoop, pulled me over. And my Poughkeepsie, and the cops like, whoop, whoop, pulled me over, and my friends are like, oh, fuck, officer, we're just getting our friend home drunk.

They're like, well, he doesn't seem of age to be drinking. I was like 18 or 19 at the time, and they were like, oh, I am. They're like, let me see your ID, and I gave the cops my fake ID,

and they're like, all right, what's your name? I'm like, Danny Valinati. They're like, shout out to whoever this guy is. I stole his driver's license 20 years ago, and I was like, uh, all right, what's your name? I'm like, Danny Valenati. Shout out to whoever this guy is. I stole his driver's license 20 years ago. And I was like, uh,

this address and I knew his birthday and everything. They were like, all right, get Danny home. And my friends were like, all right, Danny, let's get you home.

Holy shit. They were ready to come out and be like, no, you don't understand. Go until you get the call. Your information recall was unbelievable. The thing you memorize is like your horoscope

because that's the bouncer follow-up question. What's your sign? Yeah. Cancer. But that freaking ID goes in the like fake ID Hall of Fame.

Like we were, when we were at Michigan, there was a guy named Ari Nessel who was trying to take fake ID photos and he made a giant board that you stood in front of

and you took the picture in front of the board and then cut it out and put it in laminate. And it was the Illinois State license. Before you could just click and drag to shrink something. I did that as a poster of the Jersey driver's license standing in front of me. So you stand in front of it, but then the lighting

was too dark when he was being, you know, when they were comparing. So he did it outside on the roof of the house. So one of our first comedy bits is telling the story. One of our first comedy bits is like, Jesus Christ. Dude, a dog shouldn't be catching a Frisbee in the background of your license. Should there be leaves? Leafs?

I see wind in your hair. When is it windy in the D&D? Not to mention just walking by, cops just like, do-do-do-do-do, spinning their baton. They look up and there's a giant fake guy on the roof. Kentucky. I looked it up, guys. One of you was exactly right. Admiral Nelson, spiced rum.

It is a Captain Morgan. You know it's a little too spicy. It's like the, what's the production company? Asylum Films that make those sound-alike movies. When Transformers comes out, they make Morphmongers or whatever. That's exactly what it is. It's like people like Captain Morgan may be foreign people accidentally by Admiral Nelson. It's the morph mongers

of Spice Strong. His other leg is up. Both legs are up in stirrups and he's delivering the bottle. In March, Gibson had been charged with three misdemeanor counts for disorderly conduct, resisting obstruction, an officer of bail,

$500 signature bond, a whole bunch of other stuff. The bond was signed April 1st. It was still in full force when Gibson was arrested. We will get out of here on this. Yes, the AG. How old do you believe Graydon Gibson is? You are our guest, Gabrus, so you can go first, Tig, or third.

Tig's in the middle slot. Oh, okay. And I have to guess his age for all nine lives? Just his current one general Just his current one Do you want to go first, second, or third? I'll go Tig Jay, go ahead I think this guy is 28 years old

28 years old from Jason Sklar I think he's 44 Why do you say 44? Because I feel like he might be Someone suffering from mental health issues And lack of a place to live If that was the case I wouldn't have done it I think he's 56

Yeah I'm going even further Graydon Gibson We're going to close out on this What did I say 27, 44, and 56 The name Graydon feels like an older name Like Grady Graydon Gibson is 20 years old. Oh!

We could not have gotten that more wrong. Holy shit. So parents can be to blame in the recent rear view. You put him in this. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a possibility that he's a college junior. Yeah, that's right. And he just keeps getting bagged, fucking wasted,

chugging Admiral Nelson. He'll learn his lesson someday or not. All right, there's our first story down just keeps getting bagged, fucking wasted, Chuck and Admiral Nelson. He'll learn his lesson someday or not. Alright, there's our first story down the road. John Gabrus is with us. There'll be more Dumb People Town. Stay with us right after this. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We want to remind

people Randy and I are going to be in San Francisco at Cobb's Comedy Club. It's a giant club. We're going to be there the week after Clusterfest. People aren't going to want to see comedy anymore. Come on. I'll tell them when I'm at Clusterfest. You fuckers better save a little room for some more comedy. There you go.

Come see us. That's our next thing on the docket. And we just, we didn't even tell you this, but we're going to be at the Montreal Comedy Festival. I did tell that. So we're going to be at Montreal Comedy Festival. And so for our friends in San Diego, we are going to have to move that date at the end of July, probably till maybe January.

We'll let you know, keep that. But go to superschoolhours.com and check that out. And you've got some stuff happening on June 16th. Yes, I realized that that's just the weekend, but it's June 15th, whatever that Saturday is. Yeah, it's June 15th. In Chicago, I'll be doing live High and Mighty Power Hour. Where?

That's a great question. You get tickets at headgum.com slash live. Excellent. I might be there that night. Maybe I'll come say hi. You have a great podcast. I mean, High and Mighty is fantastic. Yeah, you guys, we've got to get this club.

There's so many different things we could kind of like talk about because we're hotheads on all that stuff. But it's a great explain to the people so that they know because it's just a chat show. But sometimes it breaks format and we do like I have people on to talk about stuff that they're not necessarily experts in, but that they're passionate about. Exactly. Often something that overlaps with me as being a sort of pretend polymath. I love it. So I'm just like happy. It's really, what I came up with, it was the most self-indulgent podcast ever. I said, come to my house and talk to me about stuff

I want to talk about. That's great. I love that. And I'll be making $70 a month. Listen, the passion of it is great and the stuff you do with Lapkus, Raised on TV. Yes.

That's another great podcast. Yeah. And then I also have a Patreon podcast called Action Boys if you guys are getting nuts. If you are a male- If you go down the rabbit hole of John Gabrus. Yeah, if you're thinking like, I really want to throw this guy $5 a month or at least one

third of $5 a month, that's your way to make it happen. When I was on, we did Vegas, which you've covered a lot. But we tried to do more of like- We don't really do gambling. All right. Should we- Let's jump into a story. Okay.

Our second story. We got John Gabrus here, who, by the way, has, let's mention this, three podcasts. One's a Patreon podcast called Action Boys. One's on Earwolf. That's on Stitcher Premium called Raised by TV. And then High and Mighty for free.

And it is truly in that. The quality goes up with the more you pay. High and Mighty being easily the worst. Stop. Stop. That easily the worst. Stop. That's the pitch. Hey, come on. He doesn't care. He's not lying.

Nothing you do is bad. All right, well, let's jump into another story. All right. Sent in by Jason Parkis at J Parkis, P-A-R-K-I-S. Gabrus, I thought of you when I saw the story, so I hope you enjoy it. Love can really hurt One Friday man spent what was meant to be His wedding night in jail After breaking the nose

Of a photo bombing beach goer Who refused to move out of the way For wedding photos By the way I am 100% on this guy's side I'm going to tell you one more time man We're trying to take a fucking wedding photo here. And all you're doing is sunbathing. Dude, I have formal wear and fighting is fucking great.

I would punch a shark in the face. Being like, get out of our... I would take a cane and cane... Remember when that kid went to Singapore and got caned? Because he put gum on the... I would cane the shit out of that photo. It's funny. You said, remember when that kid...

When you say cane, the only thing I think of is the guy getting caned in Singapore. And that was like 20-something years ago. I don't even think of blind people, Michael Caine. The first thing that comes to my mind is that Singapore caned. No other caning in history compares to the Singapore caning. I think we're around the age where when you were a kid that you heard that and that burned into your brain. Chewing bubble gum. That's what he was doing.

Spit bubble gum out on the street. It felt like it was like the true news version of if you get hit, your face will stay like that. You know what I mean? It was kind of like, no, you can really get caned by Singapore people. If you fall asleep in Mexico City, they're going to take your candy. But imagine how this incident, you know it started like, hey, hey, my man. Come on, just move it just a little bit. Yeah, sorry. yeah sorry we're just doing our wedding we're just getting some wedding photos taking a photo of a moment that we want to have forever like the best man of the groom was like a dude ain't moving yeah i do and i'm telling you that

dude in the background had bad like long shorts on that went past his knee and had a corona in his hand and some sort of graphic tee that he found. Like a rude dog. Like an Ed Hardy knockoff. Or like a Mr. Zod sex wax. Get off, dude. I'm going to ask you one more time, man. We're just trying to take these photos. A lot of beach.

Honey, just let him. I got it. We'll cut him out of it. Oh, I'll cut him out of it. The best to do is when somebody who's calm is like, hey, man, just chill out. And then the person who's the offender. I am chill. No, it says to the calm person, yeah, fuck you too. Now the calm person is like, did you say?

Fuck this guy. When the calm person flips is one of my favorites. When you're like, honey, you know what, honey? Knock this motherfucker out. Hit him. Hit his ass. Hit his ass. favorite like oh when you're like honey you know what honey knock this motherfucker out or the calm person's like are you just give me permission and i'm gonna go over there i love also when the person is like just calm down and the guy in the back who's standing photobomb is like yeah just calm down i wasn't talking to you. I was talking to this person. Well, just calm down, everybody. Hey! I would hit that dude so hard with a

bodyboard. Is photobombing one of the least funny things you can do as a person? But it is something that photobombers think is hilarious. Well, that's often how the least funny things in the world work, is that the people who do them think they still work. No one ever thinks it's terrible.

That is what unfunny people do to try to be funny. The other thing unfunny people do to try to be funny that drives me crazy is lie. Yeah, I've been there. You have? Nah, dude. I can't believe you fell for that. Why? I don't give a fuck about you. I want to Andy Kindler those people.

I want to be like, alright, this is what a premise is. This is what a punchline is. This is where a setup comes in. You have none of them. My friends are objectively the funniest people in America. Don't even bother with this show. That's not funny. That's just lying.

I say that all the time. All you did was tell a lie. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. If you're meeting a group of guys at a bachelor party or a wedding or something, and they're always like to the comedy people like, oh, DVK, you're going to love my friend Brian. He's hysterical.

That guy is an asshole. I cannot wait to meet this asshole. Exactly. And you know who you always end up liking the most? The guy that doesn't really talk that much. Yeah. You're like talking to him and you find out he's super interesting. And then he asks you eventually, you want to smoke a cigar?

And you're like, you know what, fuck it. I you know what fuck I like this guy yeah and it's always like the wife's brother he's like I don't know anyone here either and you're like I like you I know a few of them and I hate them but you don't even find that out until the next day no you don't find out until the wedding and you're like what dude yeah

I'm glad I didn't talk shit about they're like do you want to move this guy's bed out on the balcony? Nah. Let's go. So what did he do? Was he standing up and bouncing in the photo? Jeffrey E. Alvord. A-L-V-O-R-D.

I hate everything about him. Man Magazine first draft. Yeah. Exactly. Jeffrey E. Alvord. Come on, punch this name up. Was arrested on March 3rd after assaulting. Oh, that's the room. that's the guy who did it.

So he's the dumb person. The protagonist of this arrest story is not the dumb person. I hate that this guy spent time in jail. He was arrested on March 3rd. Oh, the photobomber has a much more on brand name. Jeffrey E. Alvord was arrested on March 3rd after assaulting Trevor Money. T-Money is for sure what his friends call him.

He's so money and he doesn't even know it. You know he asked his junior high basketball coach if he could get T-Money on his jersey. T-Money's like, all I do is photobomb. No one gets their name. No one ever invites me to be in a fall. T-Money's gonna be in your photo, yo. All I do

is photobomb Albert was arrested after assaulting Trevor Money before Maybe Trevor Money is the guy Let's listen to this Oh, no, you're right Trevor Money, before his oceanfront park nuptials were set to begin Local 10 reported That's right

The 27-year-old groom That's early Flew into somewhat of a friendship So you know he likes to make that decision a little too early. He probably could have held off on punching this guy. Just like he probably could have held off on marrying this girl. The 27-year-old groom flew into somewhat of a frenzy when the 24-year-old T-Money Mooney refused offers of how much money to move out of the way. How much do you guys think?

Okay, wait, wait. Now this is opening up a new possibility. If he's offering him money, that might mean that T-Money is just camped out, hanging out at the beach, like not even thinking about the wedding. All I do is make money from photobombing. Right.

And not photobombing. I'm saying less intentional of a photobomb. He's got his chair set up, and the guy's like, can you move? We're trying to take photos here. That's exactly what happened. And T-Money's like,

dude, I'm at the beach. It's the public beach. It's the beach, Gabrus. Right. That sun's like, can you move? We're trying to take photos here. that's exactly what happened. And T-Money's like, dude, I'm at the beach. It's the public beach. It's the beach, Gabrus. Right. That sun's going to hit you, buddy. Oh, I know. It's very easy to move, but then it's also very easy

to activate people's stubborn gene. They probably didn't start at money. Oh, no, no, no. They're like, will you mind moving? We're in the middle of our show. I'll move your chair for you. Right.

How much is it going to take? And also, you know, you can have prima nocta on my wife An already drunk Gruzman was probably throwing cash You want to fucking move man? I'm going to ask you guys How much money do you think He was offered

And refused to move Gabrus what position do you want to go in? I'll go TIG $175 $175 from Jason's Confused to move. Gabrus, what position do you want to go in? I'll go TIG. Okay. Jay? $175. $175 from Jason Scott. $50. $50 from John Gabrus.

I think there are probably eight groomsmen and maybe eight. So what did you say? $175. How many people were in your wedding party? Okay. I'm going to say maybe five groomsmen and five. No, more. He's only 27 back when you were 27. Oh, you can't leave out one roommate.

You got to have 10. How many people were in your wedding party? Five. I got married young. So what, you had nine? No, I had like six. Rory Scoble had like nine people. I had like six.

What about you, Gabrus? I think we had five and five. Five and five. I'm going to say there were 16 people in the wedding party, and everyone said, we'll all throw in 20 bucks just to get this fucker out of here. So $160. Okay. 320.

Based on your math. Right. Did you say 40? Okay. What did you say? 175. I said 175. Okay.

Gabrus? I said 50. 50. I said 160. 160. One of you is exactly right. Oh, this is fun. Okay. Now, this game is we get to guess who do we think is right. Who do you is exactly right. Oh, this is fun! Now this game is we get to guess who do we think

is right. Gabrus, do you want to go first, take a third in who you think is right? This is so fun. This is the most important layer. I'm going to go take a guess. I'm right. I know I'm right. 175. I'm sticking with myself. See, now I'm starting to think

Gabrus is right because that is something you would just say to someone. I'll give you $50 to get out of here. That's a 27-year-old amount of money. I'll give you $50 to get out of here. $50 says you won't get out of here. $50 says you won't get out of here. That's what I think. The amount of money offered to Trevor Mooney, or T-Money, by Jeffrey Alford or somebody else in the wedding party.

Get your answers in now, Tony. Play along with us. Because they offered him $50. Yes! $50 to get out of here. They offered him $50. By the way, it is so little money, it's almost not

worth making it into the article. You're right. It's so little money. It's enough money to get you to move your chair By the way Right For $50 cash I'll move my chair 20 feet

But it's not enough To make it into the article You're right If I'm an editor I'm like Lose this whole thing About the money Or just say they offered him

A little bit of money It's also not enough To make you Like move without Thinking about it Somebody's like 50 bucks You're like

50 bucks No dude 50 bucks To move Just to move 50 bucks. No, dude. 50 bucks to move? Just to move your chair 30 feet in the other direction? That is unbelievable. I would take that. That's an easy 50 bucks. That is so easy.

I would do that. But I'd still be like, yeah, I guess I could. I'd think about it. But I would never. That's two brand new indie rock records. But this guy's such a. Right. That's the way you got to look at it.

That's the way I look at everything. Well, T-Money is, you know, he's not a money guy. He's not. He's this guy. Can't be bought or sold. He's all on credit. He's principled. This guy is such an asshole.

This guy reminds me of the guy when Jay and I were walking. We were talking about this in our stand-up now, where the guy, we're walking down on the sidewalk and someone from behind us yells, on your right. And Jay and I expect to turn around and see a guy like whizzing by on a bike or a hoverboard that he can't control or rolling a gurney with someone who has to go to a hospital or something like that. Or he's Falcon from Avengers. Exactly. Thank you. Instead, this guy, we turn around and he's jogging.

Slowly jogging towards us. Wait a minute. You can't send the message to your dumb legs to run around us like anybody else would do on your right? He's not even like a Kenyan in an Olympic. Yeah, he's not sprinting. He's not making time. He's somebody that feels like he owns wherever he is. Put it this way.

I own the sidewalk. By the way, those people are the people who walk around Los Angeles. Yeah. Because I have now, in the last couple of months, become a bit of a runner, and I go for runs around my neighborhood like three days a week. And it is the most dangerous thing you could do.

Drivers don't expect people to be running. No. People on sidewalks do whatever they want. I ran the fucking path from Malibu down the Santa Monica Pier and back, and I almost died like eight times. I almost leaned in and took a guy off his bike because he was trying to like big man me.

And I was like, is it worth it to like knock my teeth out just to knock this guy off his fucking bike? I almost. Faber says things that make me realize why him and I are friends. Could I take him out? Could I big man him? All right. Could I take him out and then just get veneers?

All right. So this dumb ass. I could lose my teeth. That's like you do the whole process. I'm ready to lose my teeth. People right. Can I take him out and then just get veneers? All right. So this dumb ass. I could lose my teeth. That's like you do the whole process. I'm ready to lose my teeth. People hire me because I'm funny, not because I have teeth. Not because I have teeth. Now you start going down that road.

Podcasting is actually my future. By the way, a toothless guy that looks like me is going to get a hell of a lot more work. A lot more work. All right. Something to think about. So he won't move. Yes. They offer him $50 to move out of the way so that the wedding pictures could be taken

ahead of the ceremony, according to the Palm Beach Post. So now you have people waiting. Right. I will say, great move by Alfred E. Newman here. This is something we did on our wedding day, which I thought was huge, is we took our photos before the ceremony. That's right. You want to get to the party.

So you'll miss cocktail hour, the best part of the wedding. Thank you. Get to the ceremony. That's right. You want to get to the party. So you'll miss cocktail hour, the best part of the wedding. Thank you. Get to the party. Missing cocktail hour when the whole bridal party has to go and take photos while everyone else gets a drink and eat.

We did it too. Yeah. Smart. This is all according to the Palm Beach Post. He, that's Alvord, punched Mooney in the face and the blow broke

the victim's nose and eyeglasses as per the Ocean Ridge police report. Good. Get off your chair and move, dude. There's also I'm going to break your fucking glasses, Trevor. I didn't know my name.

A lot of times, for some reason, these Florida articles, they have asides that are links to other stories. There's just one in the middle of this. Woman 72 weds boyfriend 74 after rejecting his proposals for 43 years. That's a different story that I was like, I might want to go down that rabbit hole. What made her finally say yes?

Right. He finally wore her down. He finally ate her pussy. He's like, fine. Right. Yes, I will. I do. I will.

I do. I do. Fine. I will. I do I will I do I do Fine The two men Have since offered Differing accounts Of the brawl To authorities My one big problem

With this is You're the groom If there's any a day Where you could have Someone do something For you Ask Any a day

That's what a wedding planner Is for I was going to say That's what a best man is Like a best man is like Or And he's got to Punch T-Money.

One of the guys you've known the longest that you trust the least, a.k.a. your usher. Yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, he's my childhood friend. He's a psychopath. No one has to engage with him. We're just going to make him an usher. If I don't make him an usher, I'm in deep trouble.

Have an usher go punch the guy on the ass. Hand out the programs and go kick that guy's ass. You know, my friend who's in jeans and a black button-down shirt. I've been wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. Go kick his ass. Guy who looks like the bartender. Send him downstairs and have him punch. Alvord claims that Mooney became, quote,

very belligerent after refusing the money to move and felt threatened when the man stood up in an aggressive manner, evidently prompting him to hit him in supposed self-defense. Meanwhile, T. Mooney alleges that the irate groomsman held onto him and hit him three times in the face, further contending that, quote,

someone grabbed my belongings and threw them across the beach. That's the usher. That's the dude who went out there with the groom. He's like, let me know what you need me to do. Hey, by the way, and the whole time he's punching him. He's like, let me know what you need me to do. Hey, by the way. I'll hit him. You tell me. And the whole time he's punching him, he's saying, you could have had 50 bucks.

I pressed the $50 into the bloody mess that's on his face. What are you, Bronx Tale? Look at me. I did this to you. Remember this face. Put him in a bathroom. Put him in a bathroom. Or another Bronx Tale movie. You'll be like, okay.

Now you can't move. Now you just can't leave. Say that to the guy on the beach. You know what? Now you can't move. Now, you know what? Stay. Stay.

That's a great wedding photo, though, for Alfred E. Newman, where there's a bloody guy and police sirens in the background. The photographer takes an action shot of him punching. Now you can sell that to the newspaper and it's part of the package for the wedding. Like the old Muhammad Ali fight shots where you see when the punch hit the face. You can see the face is mid-vibration. What's my name? T-Money.

Treated at the scene by first responders, the police report detailed that Mooney's nose, quote, appeared to be out of place, sitting more to the right of his face. Again, we need an editor to take a quick pass to this out of place, sitting more to the right of his face. Nice. Again, we need an editor to take a quick pass to this. It's like, it doesn't matter what side the nose is on. And they're like, I wish Mooney would have sat more to the right.

Mooney declined transport to a local hospital. This fucker will not move for any of that. They're like, we'll give you $75 if you go to the hospital. Nope. Nope. Nope. EMT punches him. I'm enjoying the view.

Blood pouring down his face. I'm enjoying the view. I'm fine where I am. Alford's lawyer, Stephen A. Cohen. Stephen A. Smith. Stephen A. Cohen. I mean, what are we talking about? Come on, man.

What are you talking about? I talked to Kobe last night on the phone. You're going to sit up here and tell me Rob Pelika is going to tell Magic Johnson that he's going to go and have people back and there ain't no backstabbing. He told the Post, Stephen A. Cohen, that the 30 wedding guests. If your name is Stephen Cohen, do not put the A in there. You're putting it up for ridicule. It's like naming yourself John Wilkes Sklar. Just called by John Sklar. It's like, just called by

John Sklar. You think it's going to go one way. Michael B. Jensen. Alfred's lawyer, Stephen A. Cohen, told the Post that the 30 wedding guests, small wedding, have a different version of what occurred.

I hope all 30 of them have different versions. Hey, guys, there's 30 of us. We can get one story right. This is like the worst Rashomon ever. As the incident, quote, did not play out as Mooney told police it did. Facing charges of aggravated battery and criminal mischief, Alfred was released from jail the following day after posting a $3,000 bond, marrying his fiance soon after leaving jail.

Cohen said that his client planned to still go on his honeymoon on Tuesday. And as he was at the altar, he said to his wife, don't get out of line. See what happens? See what happens when people don't listen to me? Move when I tell you to. So, Karen, how was your wedding? Well, I learned something dark about my husband. Don't push him

That is crazy What a great And insane story Just get up and move Work with the wise Get up and move It's just dumb people Doing dumb things

Get up and move But I feel like all four of us Feel like we would be able To talk someone into moving Yes I know for sure I wouldn't even I'd be able to hold on

To my $50 And not have to break a nose And walk easy Or if it's important enough, we'll shift. Move the whole thing. We'll shift. Do we have to get this shot? Right, exactly.

Or position people so that you're blocking them. Yeah, block them. And then just take a few pictures in front of him. Like literally line the whole party up in front of him so you block his view, you block the sun. Or put everybody behind him. And now he's in the foreground and see how much he really wants to be in these photos. And if he's sitting in a beach chair with a shirt off, I bet you it's going to be flattering. And as you're walking by, kick so much sand up in him.

Into his business. There you go. Well, yeah, this dude is going to live like the back of a Boys Life magazine. Now he's going to get the Charles Atlas book. He's going to get strong. He's going to start fighting groomsmen all around. He's just going to mess with you. There you go.

We've created an origin story for Team Money. He just beats up husbands around the world. Trevor Money, groomsman hunter. That's right. All right, there you go. Story number two down the boat. Dan, give us a little teaser of the third segment. We almost lose a grandma.

Okay. Oh, no. Oh, God, let's save her. John Gabers is with us. This is Dumb People Town. Stay. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. day. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dump People Town. All right. Should we read off some names here?

We've got some great Patreon names. Thank you to everyone who has joined the Patreon. Patreon.com slash DPT. You get amazing

stuff if you join the Patreon. On the basic level, you get for a $6 level, you get one extra video episode. Just for you. It's the three6 level, you get one extra video episode.

Just for you. It's the three of us. We read the stories to Dan. Dan gets to go to the other side of it. It's so much fun. We flip the script. Yeah, we flip the script. Upwards, you continue to get free merch from us.

You can get free entry into our live shows, which we've been doing a live Largo show every other month. We did it live at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. People have cashed in on that. The meet and greet beforehand, which is great. And if you're in San Francisco at Sketch Fest this year, it was beforehand. We closed down the bar after. Yeah, we did.

Words with you guys. It's just fun. And then you keep going up the levels, the highest level. We'll take a look at your social media and give you the TPT, the Dumb People Town treatment. Let's read some names, shall we? Brendan McCarthy. Hi, Brendan.

Hi, Brendan. Sounds like a... He writes like dark novels. Or Brendan McCarthy was the guy on 90210 that Jason Priestley ultimately became. Yeah. Michael Sanders. It's a perfect name for chanting. Double soul.

Michael Sanders. Michael Sanders. It's a good like, it's almost like a wrestling. How about Chris and Carol Ellison? Listen, the couple that listens to the podcast together. I'm going to say they're a husband and wife. I'm going to say that's cool. It's one person's cool name.

That's right. Chris and Carol. And Ampersand is in their name. Chris and Carol Ellison. Maybe Chris is transitioning into Carol. We don't know. Or vice versa. Ready for this next one? Yes. And they are transitioning into Carol. We don't know. Or vice versa. Ready for this next one?

Yes. And they are a city council member. Ready? Bo Shelley. Hold on. Hold on. Bo Shelley. I love it.

Bo Shelley. Bo Shelley. How about Cammie Summers? Cammie Summers. Little Cammie Summers. Little Cammie Summers grew up and now she's supporting the Lodgings. Thank you. Someone I would have had a crush on when I was eight. Yeah. I think I like Cammie Summers. Little Cammie Summers grew up, and now she's supporting the Loudcast. Thank you. Someone I would have had a crush on when I was eight.

Yeah. I think I like Cammie Summers. How about this next one? A city council member, Bill Ulysses. I love Bill. Bill hung out with us in San Francisco pre-show and post-show. Love him. Every time I'm in the Bay Area, he comes out to a show.

Love you, Bill. I'll pay that, Bill. I'll pay that, Bill. How about Vin? Just Vin. No Diesel needed. Vin. Where we're going, we don't need Diesel. That's Vin. Where we're going, we don't need diesel.

That's right. Where we're going, we don't need a last name. Kelly J. Ross III. Just like hip-hop mogul Kelly J. Ross. Kelly J. Ross. Katie Hone. Hone? Hone?

Hone. Hone. Hone. Hone. Hone. Hen? Hone. What if it's Hen?

She's a pillar of the community. Kelly Hen. That's all I care about. Thank you for being that. Kelly Hen. If it's Hen? She's a pillar of the community. Kelly Hen. That's all I care about. Thank you for being that. Kelly Hen. If it's Kelly, it's Katie. I'm sorry. If it's Katie Hen or Katie Hone, we're Henning our skills.

We're honing in on how to say it. We're Henning in on how to say it. Aaron Hayes. Aaron Hayes. Come on. Seamus. Seamus. I don't like you thinking of songs.

Or Seamus. What if it's Seamus? It might be Seamus. Let's go Seamus. Seamus. Seamus. How about Sarah Abfalter? You have to be from Wisconsin.

No, Abfalter is if you're like, okay, I'm going to wake up, I'm going to do eight-minute abs, and then I couldn't do it. Too hard for me. Sarah Abfalter. How about Noah Bressman? Ooh, this is my second favorite Noah. Also a little Noah Bressman. Our third.

Damn, we've got a lot of Noahs in our life. Noah Bressman. Janelle Pratt. Janelle a lot of Noahs. Big bad Noah Bresman. Janelle Pratt. Janelle Pratt. Janelle Pratt. Janelle Pratt. Janelle Pratt showed up and then the party started. And the party started because Janelle Pratt came. This next name is like what people think the guy who plays

Tyrion on Game of Thrones. Like, what is his name? Like Peter Brinkman? No, it's not Peter Dinklage. It's Peter Brinkman. Peter Brinkman! Peter Brinkman! I'm on the Brinkman. No, it's not Peter Dinklage. It's Peter Brinkman. Peter Brinkman! Peter Brinkman. I'm on the Brinkman. Charlene, will you bring me the Brinkman file? You want the Peter Brinkman file? The Peter Brinkman file.

I'll bring it to you right now. I need to look at it before lunch. Do you need the manila? All right. Lori Hope Townsend. Boom. Thank you, Lori Hope Townsend. I have much hope for you.

Tom Oling. Oling. Thank you to all you who have signed up we love you guys so much we appreciate that you're a part of the Patreon and hope you're enjoying the extra content

and stuff that you get for those who haven't signed up please do it's a great way to support the podcast and get extra stuff go to patreon.com

slash dumb people town let's get back to the show hey guys welcome back to DPT. We have a Patreon for our thing as well. Go to patreon.com slash dumpeopletown. Yeah.

And we have great things for you. Extra episodes that are video episodes that all three of us do that Dan gets to actually participate in. As Jay and I bring the stories for that. And it's good stuff. But also other levels where you can get merch and you can come see us live for free and you can hang with us ahead of time and then the highest level where we actually go through your social media and work on that and we break down your life break down your life in a dumb people way all right we got one more story john gabrus is with us let's jump before we go into it are you still are you still campaigning

to be a model no i lost it i voted for. I didn't get to the next round because they leave it like where we're talking about the chubbies fucking man model. I'm pissed. I'm wearing chubbies currently. I voted for you right away. You should have done it. Thank you. And you were way in the lead when I saw.

The first round voting is like a 10% thing so that they can just make it all judgment calls. Yeah, they make it all. I mean, if they went through my social media at all, they'd be like, this guy cannot be. Yeah, exactly. I can't wait until Netflix and Amazon and NBC all do the same thing. Stop it. All right, you ready for this third story?

Yep. Sent in by Zach Brinkman at Gimpy Smalls. Here we go. Hilarious. A Texas grandmother got to be the queen of the oceans for a short time when an iceberg throne she sat of the oceans for a short time when an iceberg throne she sat on to pose for a picture drifted off into open water while on vacation in Ireland. Or Iceland, I'm sorry.

Iceland. Yeah. Yeah. So there's like... Hey, grandma, go sit on that is a phrase you should never say. That's a... You're banking on a will at that point. You're like

Hold on If we can get grandma To disappear on this Iceland trip We can be fucking Making cash I need $3,000 To pay my

I gotta pay bail To get out of my If I told you The bills I have That's just the tip Of the grandma Iceberg That I want to

Sail away The tip of a grandma Iceberg That you can't see Honey Honey Bye grandma Honey No you're still see. Honey, honey, bye, Grandma. No, you're still within our... Bye, Grandma.

We loved you. Grandma, here, get on the iceberg throne. What are you guys doing with all those hair dryers? Why'd you kick it? Why'd you kick it when I got on? A pickaxe and a hair dryer. What's your plan here, Ryan? There she goes.

Like in a pool when you put a dog who's afraid of water on a raft and then push it out a little bit and they're just like, will the whole world change? If my dog's swimming around and you pick him up, he just keeps swimming until you put him either back in the water or on land. We gotta find some water for this kid. So that's what she was doing. She was just drifting around. Judith Strang

and her son Rob were traveling in Iceland recently when they stopped at Diamond Beach, and I'm not even gonna try and say this, for a great photo op on what looked like a throne straight out of Disney's Frozen. It was shaped like an easy place to sit. Grandmas love one thing, and that's the movie Frozen. Let her go. Let her go.

Get her out of here. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. You can tell by looking at the shape of it, and I thought it looked like fun, Strang told ABC News. When I got on it, it started to totter and a wave was coming in. By the way, totter is not a word. And also, a grandma should never be like, that looks like fun. Grandma should look at everything, especially things including ice.

This could break my hip. This will kill me. If you play the game of Iceberg Thrones, you win or you die. She wanted to unite the seven kingdoms. She had it. Meow, meow, meow. Some people would say this is actually a better ending. She's actually Grandmother of

Dragons. A very large wave came in and kind of made the throne kind of rock and I could tell I was slipping off. Photos of the ordeal went viral after Strang's granddaughter, Catherine, shared screenshots of the hilarious text from her father

on Twitter. Guys, I'm going to show you this photo. She is out there. Oh, shit, dude. Oh, my God. She's like heading towards the horizon. Number one. Number two. That's Iceland, so the water is not... It's not like you can jump in like the Atlantic. That's Iceland, so the water is not...

It's not like you can jump in like the Atlantic. It's very on brand. Yeah. Grandma's on ice. Yeah, I know. This is from her dad's text to his daughter. Lost her kingdom when she drifted out to sea. Dumb.

One of the texts said, no joke, a Coast Guard rescuer had to save her and bring her back to shore. This guy's so cavalier about his mom. Well, we don't need to get into the history between this dude and his mom. Clearly, he's been trying to kill her on vacation for a decade. He's like, we're going to Fallujah with Grandma this year. Sit on that metal round thing in that field over there, Grandma. I want to take your picture. Let's play hopscotch in this minefield.

They don't promote it, Mom, but at this safari you can pet the lion. Get out and sit on it. Go out and sit on it. Go out and sit on it is something he said to her a lot of times, and this is the first time she actually listened to him, and then now she's off into the ocean. The 77-year-old

from Flower Mound, Texas. We know it, right? Our cousin Dennis and Lori are from Flower Mound. Suburb of Dallas. One of my favorite Texas towns, Cut-and-Sound, Texas. We know it, right? Outside of Dallas. Dennis and Lori are from Flower Mound. Suburb of Dallas. One of my favorite Texas towns, Cut and Shoot, Texas. I'm scared by what you're insinuating. Open Carry, Texas. Told ABC News that she thought she was safe when she sat down. Yeah, I bet that's when it changed.

Of course. And that she had seen several people sit on it before she had her try. Okay, you're 77. Sorry. Go ahead. I was going to say, that's a grandma. The grandma rule is if five of your friends do it and you do it. It's literally a grandma rule, and she fell for it.

If all your friends jumped off the Tallahassee Bridge, would you do it too? Yeah, grandma, I would if it looked like everybody was 75. If all my friends had just committed suicide, I would be in a dark place. I don't want any more friends. Quote, I don't weigh very much, so it was a little easy to float off, I guess. So she's fat shaming everybody else who's on this thing. The sun is rolling his eyes in the back. She loves talking about how little she weighs.

Six pounds. Six pounds. Everybody's got to hear about it. Quote, I've always wanted to be queen. That was my chance. No. What? No. A bystander who happened to be a boat captain trained in water rescue.

How lucky did she get? That is so lucky. Quickly helped to bring the grandmother back to shore. How did he do it? How in the world? I think. He got on a boat? Yeah.

When they say bystander, he must have been. Because the guy says in his text that the Coast Guard rescuer had to save her and bring her back to shore. So they must have been nearby watching this. Swam in maybe? I don't know. Holy shit. What a dummy. What a dummy! Perfect for the show.

If you ever see an ice throne out there, do not sit on it. Never look for consistency in waves. David Blaine sat on an ice throne and look what happened to his career. I will say this. Don't sit on an ice throne, but if you see anything that John Gabrus is doing, if he's doing something live, go see him. If he's doing a podcast, go listen to it. Dude, thank you for coming on the show.

Thanks for having me, guys. I appreciate it. I really, really appreciate it. Oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb