Dumb People Town - Jon Lovett - Till Depth Do Us Part

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Comedian, journalist, and podcaster Jon Lovett (Pod Save America, Lovett Or Leave It) stops by as Randy describes a woman who married a river, Daniel explains how a woman fell down a drain at a car wash at 3am, and Randy warns against wearing a squirrel costume and throwing acorns at police, and so much more!Thanks to our sponsor: BetterHelp!You don’t have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/DPT. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And then we go drain diving. I'm going to leave it at that. And then Jason brings us on home with a squirrel and a tree that's not a squirrel and it's not the tree's fault. That's all with our great guest, John Lovett, on this episode of Dumb People Town. Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folk so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose will make the news. Breaking down each epic bail in Florida. There's half-rice bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this love.

So listen to our podcast, Dan with co-host, Armey Dan. Ben-gurt, don't be a jerk. Because when the music, which the funny hits and we are going to take you. Make a sound. Come your Downey's Don People Town. Hey, Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, You. Population, love it.

John. Love it. I love that you're here. So happy to be here. Welcome back. What a joy. We kick it off with a cannon. We joyfully, I joyfully had one of the best Austin Moon, I get associated with Moon Tower

Comedy Times on your podcast at the Paramount Theater. That was one of my favorite. We loved it. You know why? Because there was a moment where we're just riffing with you on stage in front of however many thousand people there. And I forgot they were there. It was just us doing what we're doing right now.

What a joy. Isn't that when it's the best when you like forget about the thing that's actually happening and you're in the thing that actually you want to do. Yeah. I like the, there's a quickness to, there's a, and also just sort of falling into the rhythm,

it's like a three body problem. It's like, I know how to talk to one person and two, but the two of you are going back and forth. I'm trying to figure out how I orbit this thing is really enjoy, but I'm enjoying it. Now we add a Van Kirk into the mix and Jesus. No,

no, no, we know what we're doing. We know we're doing. We're here and we. Also, I hope you're watching this on YouTube because those shoes are fucking flawless. Oh, look at these. Look at these.

Gorgeous. Thank you so much. Here's the deal. We know that the world's getting dumber, and the only way to fight back is through comedy. You know this. You do this. We got great stories sent in to us by our fans.

Our dumb boots on the ground. They're not. Try to understand dumb behavior. We're not necessarily saying you're an idiot. We're saying why are you being an idiot? So I have a great story sent in by Kate Nguens. I don't know if she's sent in before. I think she has.

She's been a OG. Long time. Long time, but not first time. At Kate Newins. Great to hear from you, Kate. You ready for the headline. Here it is. And I love this because it just opens up the door for,

a lot of concepts about relationships and what we feel. Woman who married River shares how she keeps romance alive on wedding anniversary. Quote, I am committed. She wanted to be wet. She got wet. Ask Laura Brothers on all social media too. Because of the river.

A woman, damn, you could go right into your whole tubing bit. A woman is celebrating her third wedding anniversary. Is that considered cheating if people tube down her spouse? Hey, they might be open. Banks open. Old man river? I mean, is it a heterosexual relationship is what I want?

And she's allowed to go in other rivers, but not more than once. Right. She's allowed to fuck with a tributary. Let's pretend that we have to spend every holiday with this woman. You smell like a creek. Wait. She'd go to a tributary. It's like, that's my uncle.

Yeah, exactly. You see you went in the tribunal. Yeah. That's like a forefather. Why do you smell like a creek? Why do you smell like a creek that I know? How do you think she tells people at the restaurant she's been at for too long? How her husband's doing it?

How she knows the river loves her back. Well, we're going to get into it. No, she gives rationale for that. We're going to get into it. You get to remember as much as we can stand back and look at something and go, oh, this is a car wreck. They know how they got in that car wreck. So, like, she has a rationale for her a step by step like she saw the river. How she fell in love with the river.

She went back to the river. Well, there are things in life that we just love. There are places that we go to. All of Wisconsin. Okay. So you go there and you're like, I'm at home. I feel probably the most like myself ever. I want to make.

And then there's your friend who's like, you're, I want to marry this place. You're like, you. And then she did. Right. Or if you love it so much, why don't you marry it? And she did. Wow. But who a fish?

This is like, I'm curious. What are you? What's going on in your race? candle and a constellation. Here's what's going on my brain. Oh, she married a river? No, she didn't. Yeah.

Right. Actually, she didn't. But the problem is, John. Not if you ask her. She did. Right. No, there's a lot of things. And the people that got to get through Thanksgiving with her to be like,

how's the river, Deb? Yeah, I mean, like, why someone's screaming at the bus stop? There's their answer. It ain't natural. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Creek. Okay. Miss. Miss Meg.

I'm going. Miss Meg Avon, and we're not going to give her age, we'll get it later, was blessed in holy matrimony with the river Avon. So she took his last name. Or her last name. She's the happiest Avon lady, I'll tell you that. Avon calling. My mom's old.

In the southwest of a. Yeah, she did. The Bristol-born researcher, comma, activist, comma, and writer. You know, she's multi-hyphenate. Although she's multi-commoded. She's not even hyphenated. student too, I'm guessing. He explains how she and her, quote,

Darling still keep the romance alive as they celebrate their third anniversary. No, they're not. Yeah, they're not married. Not buying. She married the River Avon in a joyful ceremony to protect it and raise awareness of water pollution on the 17th of June 22nd. So, Dan, she has a rationale. I'm going to save this river by. Because if it's married, it can't be deported?

That's right. Why do you want to get married to it? Do not hold it in. Let these audio people know that I got credit for a joke. This can't be true. We've got to keep you here, River. This can't be true. It's just so many crazy things are happening right now.

Trying to get her green New Deal card. Yeah, that's double work. There you go. I was a honeymoon. Well, a river runs through it. Meg. How did you keep the spark alive? Because it got wet.

Yes, yes, yes. The fire. Can't keep it going. Spanish fly fishing. Meg That was It was not random If Cosby married a river

If Cosby married a river Did it not laugh because we didn't get it If Cosby married a river Meg And this is what it says Nay Trump So her last name is Trump Says she and the river

Are still very much in love Three years on You may be in love with it But don't speak for the river Yeah you don't know Meg said I'm still finding time to swim in the river every week. I know the river could be like

get inside me and then there you go. Listen, we've got to make time. You can't just go through the, can't just be, go through the motion. It can't just be laundry and and flotsam and jets some. There she is. There are the pictures of her. The top left is at a rent fare. The top left is like, that's a wedding photo.

If that's not her profile picture, I don't even know. So funny of that. But I look off in the distance and don't smile. Try not to smile. But the funny thing is like most wedding photos, the leaves she's holding are looking at her, not at the camera. What if she was like to the river

in the middle of taking that picture? No, just don't close your eyes. Now, you ask me as Meg's dad how she's doing lately. She's good. But I am committed. Still doing the river thing? And every experience.

We know that guy. I have in the water is lush. I've been finding new ways to connect with the river from swimming in various, about along the stretch to meeting people from various art and environmental communities at different points. The keen open water swimmer said her campaign for water protection is still very much in the public that just means she's not into pools.

Right. I'm an open water swimmer then. I love a lake. Yeah. You do have a lake. Open water swimmer. You got to be going Alcatraz to the bay. Right.

If you're an open water swim. Particularly with the recent release of the seafloor dock dirty business, which explores UK sewage crisis. Meg said it really is lovely to see the recognition. People are still, people still really connect with our local story and how much it influences the wider national story. Now, so she does think she's doing something. She married her work. She's married to her job. I think. To her cause. You're on board. I think she did something smart. I knew this is coming. I think she did something smart. She's savvy. She figured out a way to get all of us to talk about the importance of protecting the river.

Fair enough. It's working. Here we are doing it on a podcast. Look at this. Circle gets a square. She's, you know what? Because you know what I was actually thinking when you read her bio where it said activist, researcher.

Writer. Writer. What is missing from there is the TEDx talk. Yeah. And this is the TEDx talk. Here we go. She wants speaker. She's missing the word speaker.

You know that's when you see someone's bio and like, wait a second. Speaker. We're all speakers. So here we go. And then book. We married a river. And then we married a river. A lot of the law feels.

incomprehensible and hard to reach and understand for a big majority of the population. So having a story that makes it relatable is so bad. That's the opening paragraph of the TEDx talk. Till depth do us part. I'm going to work on it. I'm going to work on it. To death do us port. Oh, that's pretty good.

You said depth. To depth. Depth is great. To depth is great. That might be the title of the episode. You're going to hate me when I say this, but I can't even fathom this. You know what? You're out of your league here.

We all understand marriage because it's about love and law and governing forces. I don't know, maybe. The campaign group, Meg is a part of Conham Baters, set out to initially obtain designated bathing water status in the River Avon where they had unable to acquire due to its poor water quality quality. Meg said, I'm not surprised by the water quality results. I think a lot of people are angry and upset. It's important to make...

Wait a second. Water quality was bad. And like most... women, she was like, I can fix it. I can fix it. I can change him. If you don't love me at my Yangzi, you don't deserve me at my pure Fiji.

You don't deserve me at my Fiji. But if I'm the reporter and we start out with, hi, I want to talk to you because I married a river and she keeps going into all these very real environmental issues, I would keep going, no, we're going to stay on brand and I'm going to keep coming back and be like, where's the love? I know. Because I'm not hearing a lot

of love for this river. They have a kid, the kid asks for all these things. It's like, go ask the river. Go ask your father. The water doesn't feel disgusting and awful every day. On the days when the water is clear, it makes me hopeful that the river can be like that every day. I love that. Getting in the water is one of the quickest and easiest ways to completely immerse yourself in nature.

Literally. Which is how young people need to know more now than ever before with the rise of technology. Why is being in the water more in nature than being in the air? That's also very true. That's a good point. Go on the woods. What are we talking about? Okay.

So she wants people to use fear and outrage for something that's motivating and not boring Pixar movie. Right. Her campaign group also hopes to obtain personhood rights for the river Avon, which not only help fight or protect it. Now, do you have like, can you have power of attorney over the river, is my question. And renew the vows. They want to renew the vows and officially be wed. I don't believe the river is an object. I think it's an actual entity that deserves rights like any other living thing.

though in legal terms of river still is an object and not a subject with rights so you can't legally marry an object well we've had people on their chandeliers and and model airplanes right and cars she's losing me she had us for a while and now she's losing yeah but we retain rights the river hopefully i'll be able to renew my vows and legally marry the river i might even wear a suit this time hey don't don't tempt us with a good time we are like you to put the charter forward this year it'd be amazing to come into effect and it's possible. Meg says that she is meeting with the counselors across the country in an attempt

to bring this about the UK's first cross-counciled charter recognizing the rights of a river. I'm on board with the environmental nature of what she's doing, but I agree with you, Dan, if she decides to go down this road, she needs to now actually start going on. Can we double date with you and this?

What does she do with people buy too close to the road? Can we double date with? What's the wedding? song. Can we double date with you? Yeah, the River of Dreams. Can we double date, is it Bruce Brinksneungstein? The River?

To me, where the first few years of a marriage, and I know you're engaged, so I don't want you to go. I don't want to make marriage seem like a bad. First few years of marriage. I think you've heard of it. But then year three or four, she's going to start calling it a lazy river. And we've all been down one of those. Good job.

You landed that plane. I did. You said you didn't even know where I was going. So far. And then you're a lazy river. You're not doing what I thought you were. Hey, let's go on a double date with my friend in this brook. Just one bend after another.

My sister's coming to town. She wants to swim. Oh, you're busy. Now you're hanging with your friends and we can't all hang out. There you got. It's going to happen. That's true. The last thing we'll get out of here on this.

All you want to do is sit home at night. Here it comes. And stream. You and your stream. You got a river right here. You have a river, right? You have a river. at home and you're streaming

look at me when I'm talking to you don't know don't touch your current down that way I'm not damned up you're damned up damn it That's a great story one Now let me story to one now let me see your beaver With how Jason it was a race to the beaver

You can just watch the YouTube You'll be able to see I don't have to tell you Was Jason it wasn't Randy How old is Miss Meg Avon Is we'll get a video Oh how old is this guy You've seen pictures This lady I'm

You're a guest. Would you like to go first, TIG, last? You know, I should, I'm going to say early 30s. Pick one. Pick one. Because we're going to. 32. Jay, what do you think? I think she's 38.

38? The water makes her look at, you know. Water does age you a little bit. No, no, it brings her. Maybe it doesn't. I'll go, I'm going to split it. I'll go 30. Fuck.

32's so good. I'll go 29. Okay. I feel 31, but I want, you deserve it. One of you is exactly right. Okay, it's 29. You can stay with yours or you can jump on somebody else. Why would we move?

One of us is right. I know. So you believe you're right to you can move to someone else who you think might be right. I have no, I thought it was 32. I still think of me. I have no new information. 29 and sound nice. 38?

30. It felt really good. I'm staying. I agree. I'm staying where I'm at. Everyone's staying put. When we come back, we'll tell you how you can follow the great John Lovett and and then follow all of his things and we'll tell you what we have going on.

Miss Meg Avon, who married a river. and is living her life out and just winding. Megavan. Megabon is 29 years. Boom, oh, Daniel. Boom. Way to go.

You went down to it and you found it. That story one in the books. We come back. Daniel's got a great story. This is Dump People Town with the great John Lovett. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound.

Hungerdown. It's Dump People Town. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. I don't know if you guys know this, but May is Mental Health Awareness Month, which is really important. really important. It's a time for you to check in and say, how am I doing? Like, as you enter into the summer months, I know, you know, for people in our industry and whatnot, things are a little thin. Remember, you don't have to do it alone, whatever you're going through. Yeah. So I think it is really

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that's better help.com slash d pt hey tony's daniel van kirk here i want to talk to you about quince why because they are a sponsor of this show and also i absolutely love their stuff a lot of lately in my life i've been trying to work out been trying to feel better and one of the ways i'm feeling better is putting more thought into what i wear you know i i think about it for the clips for this show the episode of dumb people town for our youtube all the other stuff i do what i'm going to wear on stage quince has been my go-to for that they're also

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Go check out their stuff. Save money. Look good, feel good at quince.com slash D-PT. Stick around. Make a sound. Come down. is dumb people town. Hey gang, welcome back to the show

before we get into John Jay. Let's let them know what we have going on because we've added some stuff. Supersclogers.com. For everything, punchup. Dot live. We're trying to put it on there. Follow us there because we're putting content

and stuff there. Do you know? Yes, we've got on May 6th, I don't know if this is going to go out before that, but I think it might. We have our Netflix as a joke show at UCB Theater. It's our tagged show.

So fun. Super fun. Right. Then we're going to be down in the south. doing shows. I'm really excited. Mobile, Alabama, Lake Charles, Baton Rouge, and Lafayette. That's the May 13th through the 16th. Then we just added. We're going to headline the Venice West, which is in LA, two shows on June 16th. And then on the 19th and 20th, we're in San Francisco at Cobbs Comedy Club. And I'm just added. We'll be at Fort Collins in one of our favorite clubs, Fort Collins, Colorado at the Comedy Fort. Of David Rodriguez. July 24, 25, 26. So very excited about all of that. Superscolars.com for all those dates. We'll let you know. We're guest host. Rome this summer, which will be really fun. And if we do any more all casts on the Turner Sports Network,

we will let you know we're in the mix and trying to do some of those. God, that was so much fun. That was really fun. Can you ask you a question? Yeah. How far along into your career were you when you decided not to do double queen rooms? Oh, that's such a good question. It's a great question.

People do still ask it. They ask one room or two? We're like, two. Joking, we're adults. Obviously, you got to a place, but there must have been a time when you were younger and had less money. I'm sure. And there must have been a last time where you're like, you know what?

We did it. We don't need to do this anymore. I think it was probably early 30s. We were early in our early 30s. Like early 2000s when we were like, all right. We did it for like, we had been headlining on the road, maybe a little here and there four or five years. We were doing our show cheap seats on ESPN.

And so we were like, we can't do this anymore. We need our own spaces. And we made ESPN give us separate rooms whenever we, flew to New York for a week to do it. And once you start doing that, you going down that road, it's very hard to come back. It's like laundry in the apartment. Laundry in the apartment. Can't go out and do it out if there's laundry in the apartment.

Once you have laundry apartment, you can't go back. Can't go back? It's like marrying a river. It's like laundry in the river. It's like laundry and your husband. It's like, I'm always saying it's like marrying a river. It's like, all right. It'll cost, yeah.

You can do laundry in your husband. Corporate phrase. Matter what you do the rest of your life, you will have always been the person who married the river. That's right. This is now corporate speak. Guys, we're not going to marry the river on this one. Let's not marry the river on this one.

We're going to dip a toe in before we get all the way in. I don't want to get them pregnant. I just want to start to see what's going on. Let's not marry the river on this one. It's a great corporate phrase. Our friend, I gave this on our previous episode. She said, let's not boil the ocean on this. Let's not boil the ocean.

I love boil the ocean. It's low hanging free guys. I usually go shake the baby and everybody gets around that. Whoa. Don't shake the baby on this. Yeah. It's tough on a Microsoft Teams Guys, are we disruptors or not?

Are we shaking the baby or are we not? Shake the baby on this one. Let's rattle some skulls. Let's create a concussion in this thing. Sometimes you need to shake the baby in order to marry the rib. Speaking of shaking the baby. Ready for story number two? No, before we get it?

Oh, yeah. All right. So let people know your podcast so we can follow. There's many. There's a few. And any live dates at Dynasty typewriter, any shows coming up soon. Yeah. So Pod Save America.

It's amazing. God bless you. We're going to keep you up to date on everything that's happening. in our godforsaken political world. No, but you guys do a service. Thank you. That is really it. Get through it part is.

A hundred percent you guys help us get through. Help us break it down, understand it, and get us through it. And in a way that doesn't make you want to throw your phone into a volcano. Correct. And then, Love it or Leave It is the comedy show I do. That show that you were both on. We had a great time. And that you can find it.

It's called Love It or Leave It. You can get that on YouTube wherever you get your podcast. Can I just say about that show, I was so impressed at how much writing is involved? in that show and how much you do an opening monologue you do a straight up opening monologue of all the stuff that is going on and the jokes are so good it is this it's a it's a it's a late night talk show it's late night we you know podcast budget late night late night as the dream you know but um amazing but we love i love doing love to leave it and it is a blast we have we basically we cover the news we do a monologue and then we get into sort of fun with sort of comics and it's a great time uh so check that out and you can find

out our live shows at crooket.com slash events throughout the year. Throughout the year, we're always doing stuff. God bless them for giving you guys a platform and you personally. Crooked's the best. Let's jump me do another story, shall we? Yes, ready? Yes. Okay. So I'm going to read the headline and then we're going to have to give John some context here. Okay. This was, uh, I found this. Oh, you did. Nice. Sent by you. Thank you. Drunk woman who trashed Manhattan fries restaurant

after being asked to pay a $1.75 for extra sauce. now Sue's car wash after refused her service and she fell down a drain at 3 a.m. So we did a story a couple weeks ago.

We would not be doing this story if they refused her service and she sued the car wash. This becomes a dog. Let's not fall down the drain on this. A drain at 3 a. You know how you go get your car washed at 3 a.m. John.

I'll very quickly bring up to speed. A couple weeks ago, I don't know when drops when, but three women at like 2.33 a.m. in the morning in New York, we're at like an all-night French fries and burgers place. They were charged a $1.75 for sauce. No, they were told. They didn't even order it, that it would be $1.75.

They lost their minds and wreaked havoc all over. Breaking like cash red dollars. And when I read that story, I saw a little link that said, essentially, woman from this story also falls down during a car wash. And I said, well, when I could find that story, I'll do it here. So this is the follow-up. This woman's return to the sequel town.

The sequel. Okay. So she's, and the sauce incident took place after. Before. Yes. Oh, I see.

So the sauce incident and then now we are in her lesson. If you liked her work in season one. Of the sauce. Got it. Season two. We're drained diving. Now we're at a car wash. Also in the middle of the night.

Yeah. I mean, real night. 3 a.m. You know how you take your car to get washed in the middle of the night. I said 3 a. Oh, well, wait till we try to figure out.

why that had to happen. Why is she mad about this? Here we go. A drunk woman who trashed a New York fries restaurant after being asked to pay a $1.75 extra for sauce is now suing a car wash, claiming she, quote, fell down a drain shortly after they refused to

clean her friend's egg-covered car at 3 a.m. Your life is chaos. There's no drama in this person. I can't tell you how many times. On your car. After the age of anything in high school.

And it's not Halloween. You have wronged someone or you are on the show neighbors. Right. I love that, Chuck. And also, not a morning thing. No. No.

We're going to deal with this. We got to do this right now. Egg on her face. Egg on our car. Did you guys, do you have your house or anything get egged when you were in high school? No. It didn't happen. It did not happen.

It was part of the homecoming and some kids just get carried away. Start egg and stuff. Okay. I wasn't in the rhythm of the kids. You know, I wasn't, I wasn't on the radar. You were a 40-year-old man at 17. Absolutely. Absolutely.

You said more than one time in 10 years, people will start getting me. We said that. In the teacher's lounge. As you're smoking with a teacher. John was voted most likely to, most likely to. Okay. Chetara placentia. Which I've said this before.

Don't. My wife and I ate the placentia. You turn into little pills and you can eat it and it's good for you. It is good for you. It is good for your coat. Chittara Placencia and her two friends were arrested in charge with robbery, criminal mischief, and criminal possession of a weapon after starting a violent food fight inside Bell fries fast food restaurant on Manhattan's Lower East Side in July.

A viral video of the chaotic incident shows the women twerking on the counter and hurling food and a stool. twerking is unnecessary. That's your flex. Right. The twerking is like I can do whatever I want. They hurled food and a stool. It's sort of marking the territory. At terrified staff after being told,

after being told the cost of an extra sauce. Not being discharged. Not being overcharged. Not being bait and switched. No. How much is it for a sauce? $1.75. You bet your ass.

Chaos. Hmm. The women first appeared in court for that incident last July. It's funny to say we, they threw. through food and stool, which is like, okay, the stool is the thing. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

That's the thing. Yeah. The stool's, you're getting scuffed. It's not a stool sample. It's an actual stool. It's not a stool. Right. Thankfully.

All those women first appeared in court for that incident last July. Placencia has since pled guilty to assault and is due back in court. Great. But now. It has a new charge. It has emerged that she is also involved in at least two more ongoing legal disputes. No shit. said when I read this. In one, she is suing a Brooklyn car wash for negligence claiming she

fell down a drain and was seriously injured. The complaint originally filed in November claims that at 3 a.m. on and on, at 3 a.m. on February 23rd. She fell down a drain. Remember when the news in our country was baby Jessica's down in a well? Down in a well. And that's what we were following for seven days. Yeah, I have a big memory of that. She fell down a drain. She fell down a The only mistake was actually getting out. Yeah, exactly. We should have kept out. Stay down there for a bit.

Stay down for a bit. You got a story on your hands. You got that, now we're making money. You have people rooting for you. Also, at 3 a.m., somebody said to someone else, I know where we can go. We got an egg on your car? In New York. I know.

L.A., fine. There's places that are 24 hours. You can have a hose. That doesn't exist. I was not a car. Oh, there is that place. You can't, you have to wash yourself. Yes, I was going to talk to those guys.

The 3am guy was like, I'm cleaning this car. But how big is the drain? Is it early? was it late for them? That's the question. Because for some people, it's early. For some people.

Just got off work. Right. Or yeah. It's the beginning of their night. Way in. So the complaint, this was claims at 3 a.m. And it happened at Zap, car wash and oil change in Brooklyn after they refused to serve her and her friends. She says, wait, they're serving her what?

Alcohol? No, let her use the service. Oh, give her service. She says when they, when she entered the car wash, she fell down an uncovered drain and suffered severe injuries. She alleges the car wash was reckless, careless, and negligence by failing to cover or signpost the drain. I say this.

If this is a pull-in place, like any mechanic. Why are you out of your car? Once you walk down the tunnel, everything that happens to you is fair game. That's like taking your car on an ice covered lake. It is all you. It's like climbing Mount Everest. Yes. I don't care if you end up there.

So we approach this because we know. about the sauce. Right. Yeah. We're skeptical. Right. We are skeptical. Look at this.

He wants to give her the benefit. Yeah. Well, I just want to start out by saying we're at a some sort of a car wash slash. Yes. Gas gas. With a car covered in eggs. But that seems to be open 24 hours and which you can engage with someone there about a car wash at that time. Well, let's hear about the night.

Did you ever, do you ever live in New York? Yeah. So you know that there like every place in New York has like one thing wrong with it. It's like, Like, don't, don't flush that toilet because that'll back up on everything. Everybody upstairs will fall down. It's like, everybody's got like one, like New York is about to fall apart. Don't use that door.

Either that's a front door. Every bodega has a cooler, every bodega that has a cooler section where one end of the cooler doesn't work anymore and they just put dry goods. Don't open that. It's like everything in Manhattan is like there's one thing you're not supposed to do at the place. And this is just don't go down that. Don't go down that drain. You can't go down that drain.

want me on that drain. You need me in that drain. Did she go down the drain or is her life going down the drain? She's in three legal disputes. Did you order the code? And her friend's car is getting egged. Here's what's... Did you order the code read Placencia?

I want the drain. In her deposition, Placencia said that she was on a double date with her friend Pearl Ozoria. This is an improv group. Could be. Pearl Azoria. And Placencia... Who was one of the other women involved in the Friday.

incident. Well, yeah. Right or die. Bad influences. Who knows who's bad influence on it? Fall down and drain or die. It was Placencia and Orosia. Their new.

The new Rosolian Isles. Thank you. And then they were on a double date with two men. She said that they had been at a hookah lounge. Of course they were. This is. This is great post-Huca lounge behavior. If you're going on a date and the person you're going on a date

you say, what are we doing tonight? You're going to a hookal lounge. Oh, so we're getting COVID. We're going to get egged. I'm just, I'm sitting here. John, I know, you're in the waves. Waiting for the fucking eggs. Where are we getting that eggs?

How do the eggs enter the, where are the eggs? Where are the eggs? How did they come? We're rocking out of a hookah lounge. We're getting egged. She said that they had been at a hookal lounge. When asked about the hookal lounge, I'm joking. I just keep taking you sideways.

She said they'd been at a hookal lounge. And when they left at 2.30 a.m., They discovered one of the men's cars, one of the men's car, had been vandalized with syrup and eggs. They buried the syrup to leave the eggs. Wow. So someone hates this guy. Right, right. This is like a crime of passion.

She didn't even throw this stool. By the way, this isn't random either. This is like somebody. It could be his wife following him around. Yeah. It seems, yeah. It seems way more personal. Well, listen, you know, the police will tell you that if your car is egged,

You most likely know the perpetrate. That's 75% of the statistics. That's why most stabbings are solved very easily because it's too personal. Too close. Say no smash and grab. There's not a window broken and stuff taken out of these. You guys know in New York better than me. 2.30 a.m. hookal launch.

Are the chairs on the table and they're waiting for you to go? No. No. Open until 4 or 5. Wow. Late. Late. She'd been in the hooklaunch.

It was not last call of the hoops. Syrup and eggs on one of the guys' cars. I don't know if it was the guy with Pearl. or the guy with Pacencia. Okay? They decided to go to Zap Car Wash, which is 24 hours. Is that an indication

that this date is not going well? No. Let's go clean this up. 2.30 in the morning, we're on a double day and now we're going to go clean this car together. Baby, I can't get sexy. This is like the movie judgment night.

Sort of an intimacy to it. Right. There's a... We're doing tasks. We're doing air. The couples. That cleans together. I'm going to show you what it's like

to be in a relationship with me. Well, let's look. Let's fast forward the clock. So they go to Zap Car Wash. Yeah. We're just going to do everyday thing. You guys might have assumed at the grocery store? There's an appeal to it.

I mean, let's go see if that soap has colors. You know? Oh, yeah. It is sort of cool. If you're hot. I love us. I love that we can have fun on an errand. Yeah.

It's a date because we're together. Right. We're doing something. Another really dumb question, because I don't know. We can make anything fun. Maybe you'll say neither one of these are true. All weed people like hookah. All hookah people like weed?

Or there is no vend. I think those are two separate audiences. Because the last few of hookah, I'm like, just smoke weed. Also like a hookah in post-COVID. I don't know about hookah. Culturally or... Unless they change... I've no access to hookah.

Yeah. For the record. Unless they change the silver tips on the end that you're hooking through. Okay. I can't imagine you. When I worked at a bar in downtown L.A., the hookah launch just served for people who didn't want to go home yet because they were open two hours later and didn't serve alcohol.

Maybe. Okay. Possible. Huka is hash. So they go to Zapcar Wash, which is open 24 hours. Sure. Palencia said she got... of the car to speak to a worker, but they denied them service, so she asked to speak to a manager

and walked past the staff member into the garage. Oh, into the garage. You're in the garage. This is all on you now. You're not supposed to be in the garage. She said it was dark inside, and she was walking with her left foot. You were walking both. Wait, hold on a second. You were using your left foot to walk. You can't do that here. We can't do that once you. That's why we won't outside the garage. Can you that here. When her left foot went through an uncovered drain, so her leg went through the hole up to six inches above the knee.

That's a drain. Ow. So your other legs straight out. If you're going down to here, that other leg's got a van dammit somewhere. I have some experience with this, guys. Okay. Aaron, Aaron, voice of God. During the pandemic, a friend of ours said,

hey, we're getting rid of this patio furniture. Do you want to throw it at this hookah? you want it and we were like yes we rented a U-hall we went down there we got this patio furniture I already know you was the beginning of the pandemic so we walked outside the house and I walked past a drain a hole in the ground mm-hmm and when I came back with a piece of furniture on my shoulder your wife was in the hall I forgot that hole was like oh yeah and went full leg like mid thigh mid mid-s-s-eye what is your other leg doing? It's above the

whole. I mean, I don't know how... You got lucky if it went straight out. I don't know how. You're getting up to your snack. No, he's crouching down. You're bending knees the wrong way. I don't... I don't have you having a bad day. Yeah, I generally don't have that kind of flexibility. So I don't like the thing. Yes. Aaron, I bet you will never forget that feeling of there's no more ground.

Crouching? Yeah. Placencia hidden or rosia. Here's the thing. Actually, I'm going to order the erosia. Is the placentia fresh? The erosia, I will say, has a nice finish at the end. Here's my thing. I've never wanted to people will watch an episode more for John's silent reactions to our dumb ass. Why does she have to say a left leg? Because I'm sick of the country blaming the left.

There we go. For what clearly is a dumb decision. It's not about left versus right. Bottom up. Bottom up. Bottom up. When you go into a drain. We're all going down the drain unless we come together.

When you're going down the drain, it's not about left to right. The next thing I'm about to read, one sentence. I can't wait. Her entire support for her argument. Goes out the window. Goes down the drain. If this is it, not enough. Okay.

She walks through an uncovered drain. Her leg went through the hole, up to six inches above the knee. Next sentence, she claims, Azoria saw her fall. That's not enough. Your best friend,

who you're throwing stools with is also backing you up that you fell through the day. She saw me. And also, the other two guys have nothing to say about you being in the drain? No.

They're like, she saw it. But the company behind the car wash said the incident. Why would I lie? She saw it. The incident could not have occurred. No. Because that part of the business was shut at the time. Interesting. The staff on duty had no memory of the incident and the building is fully lit.

That sounds to me like a lot of insurance speak. I'm going to be honest. I'm not saying she did or didn't fall, but Zapp is covering ass right now. Is there a camera? There's no camera on this thing? No, we have no cameras. They also had an expert measure their drains and found even if the plaintiff was able to access the back area. What if that's your job?

She would not have been able to fit her entire leg into the drain. At most, this is a quote. Plaintiff would only have been able to get, you know, remember how she said this went up. Six and she's above the knee. Ask me what I'm doing today. What do you do today? I got another insurance claim. I got to measure drains.

Have you seen my, have you seen my short. Tate measure. I can't bring the big one. I can't bring the big one. You're on full leg? I need the she said it was six inches above the knee. At most plaintiff would only have been able to get the first two inches of her foot into the drain based on those dimensions. We've all lied about. That seems pretty cut and dry. Right. Either the drain could hold a leg or not. It's a divv. Or it's just like too small for a whole length to go in. If the foot doesn't fit, you must have quit. I think there's something also just about, like, the person in the car wash, it's like, it's actually like, you know, I actually like have normal drains. It look, maybe it looks big, but I actually can like, I can fit things in normal drains. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not a thing. It's not a thing. Like, normal drains here. You're coming to me with this. Yeah, like, I, like, I mean, we don't have. We're just normal drains. We're not going to have larger than normal drain. Like, maybe you have a huge drain, but I have normal.

Look, I don't know how you guys do. two drains where you're from with your eggs and your syrup and your milk? It's a young drain. Yeah, it's a tight. Knock it off. It's a new drain. That was Jason as well. But John supported it.

We had three kids. Okay. So it's a little bit bigger. But three kids were born at this. So the drain might be a slight bit bigger. Placencia says the person who refused her service. It's a quote, okay. Placency says the person who refused her service was of, was an individual of Nigerian descent.

Why? Is he a prince? Why? But the Car Wash representatives say there were no employees of Nigerian descent working there at the time. So they loved it when she said that because they're like, you. Well, they have a Nigerian employee. But they were not working here. Not at that time.

John? I just, you know, who are you going to believe? The person who's getting into kind of unnecessary legal beefs and then you have a sense of feeling as though. What if the judge throws out the sauce? thing. It's like you can't, to the jury, you can't know that she had the sauce incident. But then at the same time, you're like, or the, like, the administrators of a 24-hour Brooklyn car wash repair shop, it's like everybody, you know. Nobody's trustworthy. We got to figure out what's going on with these trains. Nobody. Right. We got these drains. They're eating the dogs.

They said nobody in Nigeria was working here then. The case is ongoing. Placencia is also involved in an ongoing legal dispute over a health insurance claim following a car crash from September 2021. I'll never forget where I was in September. She was a passenger in the car and claimed for medical treatment after the crash, but the State Farm, Fire, and Casualty Company insurer has disputed her claim. That's the only one that I might be on her side with. Do you know what a phrase that Placencia has never said in her entire life?

Guys, it's my fault. I'm sorry. That's on me. That's on me. I'm sorry. vehicle. But her life. Everyone else. She's choosing the chaos at the fries place. She's going to

a hookah double date with a guy who's also getting eggs and syrup thrown at his car. She's fighting. She was at least fighting with the car wash people before she fell into a drain. Walked into an area she should have walked in. She was recently in a car wash. If you're in her life and your phone rings, because

you know she's mainly a text. I just have that vibe. It rings. You think long about picking up. Right. Do you ever a friend? who they just, they think they're unlucky. It's again, back to it. It's like they think they're unlucky. Yes.

And they're always attracted. They can just not go in their way. And then you like dig into it. And it's like, uh, my ex is still living with me. Yeah. There we go. Because we got the car together. There we go.

And I obviously can't, you know, I like, I mean, got in trouble at work for, because I, I told them that I couldn't get there before nine because of the car thing. I slapped a guy. And either they've had to borrow them. or they've lent someone money. This is the person inevitably calls you and tells you like, I just rescued a pit bull. And you're like, dude, don't do that right now.

This is not a good call. You're not the person, this is why. And then you start thinking to yourself, you're like, am I going to end up with this? Having to watch this pit bull. I am, and I am going to love it, and that's going to be the greatest part of how they do that. Life is hard when you're keeping it simple.

There are you. Life is already hard. You don't have to do it in hardcore mode. That is a great. Life is already a civil. That's such a great for I. Put that on a T-shirt. John Lovett.

All right. We have one more story, Jake. Can you give us a little tease? It's about a woman who's an animal. Woman who's an animal. Let's get into it after this break. John Lovett is with us. Again, love it or leave it.

Pod Save America. Go see him live as he does this stuff. And we'll find out what Dan's got going on right after the break. See? Stick around. Make us down. Come here down. He's down people town.

Welcome back, everybody. I hope you had a nice little break there and hope you didn't flip up and down the old podcast dialed Daniel let people know how they can support you sure you Daniel vancirk.com in May I'm doing headlining my show

10 o'clock on May 6th for Netflix as a joke festival come out and see the new hour and then I'll also be in Charlotte and I will be in like Baltimore and in D.C. I will be in Austin, Texas I will be in Janesville, Wisconsin in June at the comedy cabin

Can't wait to go back there. Everything's up at Daniel Vankirk.com. And if you ever can't sleep and you've burned through this great episode already, you can check out the midnight air. It's a weekly overnight radio podcast of just things that shouldn't stress you out,

if anything, in a fun, boring way, put you to sleep. I recently ranked my top favorite fads of the 70s. Yeah. Yeah. Give us one fan. I mean, Pet Rock was way up there as well. Bell bottom jeans were up there as well.

Risk. Do you know there was a really popular? Fat called a buttons people would wear called I am loved and it was this fad in the 70s that kind of started with the youth where it's like you would tell you weren't dating or going said you were going with someone yeah that phrase really came about in 70s and so you'd give people pins that say I am loved and people were wearing these all over the country so it's a fat I didn't know my youngest daughter the things that people say now is that they're talking to somebody yeah I'm talking to somebody so you're together with them nope just talking to them but you guys are hooking up yeah

I'm assuming. And then they go, well, you asked. Yeah. Stop. Okay. Take your trip. God, dad. All right, here we go.

This has no headline. And I don't even know if this is real, but I'm going with it. And I sent it into myself. Can I just say this that I, she was like, I'm talking to this guy. She's like, I think he's cousins with someone that we know from our, who we went to college with. So I call my cousin was a friend of yours. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. David, who she's talking to. His is like a. a cousin of the wife of a friend of ours. So I call my friend and I was like, all right, tell me what you know about this.

I call him the next day. My daughter said, do you know this guy, Mike? And I was like, yes, he was, I know and went to college with him.

He's a really good friend of mine. So I call him the next day. I'm like, tell me about this kid, David. Is he cool? And my friend was like, he's the best.

He's salt to the earth. Great guy comes from great stock. His parents are super nice. I love chicken. Great kid, great kid. Little eugenics, nice. Yeah. So I,

thank you. So I, He has great jeans, Sweeney. So I, the next day, call my daughter and say, hey, I was just talking to Mike, and he said, You're already shaking. And my daughter's like, what? What the fuck?

Why? No, I did not ask you to do that. Why? That is, I'm telling you something. I feel like that's such an obvious double fuckup, okay? Fuck up number one. Just calling. You don't need this information.

But even if you were going to do that. And then you find out he's a good guy. Don't tell her. Eat it. You got to just eat that. Nobody wants to hear from their dad that says a good guy. She might have got a text and all it said out of the blue was your dad called my cousin L.O. And then she's probably like, what?

The feeling of just like cold shiver. Yes. Amped up ever. Your dad called my cousin L-O-L. The same feeling is when you're being pulled over by a cop. That's what that's the feeling you wouldn't part of it. Can I just tell you, like, I, we are very cool with what we do. Like, we go on stages, we do comedy.

Yeah. Yeah, you're a cool dad. Hey, but like I still have, but I still have to do bad things. You start to make mistakes to prove that we're mortal. I thought my mistakes so that she can make fun of me. It is my job. It is your duty. Thank you.

As a father. That's right. What? Why would you? I didn't ask you to do that. It was great. Florida woman is facing charges after police say she turned a quiet neighborhood into a full-blown woodland uprising.

Like she snow-wited it and got the animals to revolt? She awaked it? Let's find out. By climbing a tree in a squirrel costume and allegedly pelting officers with acorns while declaring herself royalty. This is like a YouTube prank. You think?

I mean, that's sadly the most rationale I can give it. Well, I mean, there's that great Benfold song about the guy who dropped acid, no, dropped acid. at Robert Sledge's party and then went up in the tree and like never came down. This is kind of like that. Yeah. According to authorities in Jacksonville, deputies were called after neighbors reported a woman behaving erratically in a residential yard.

Definitely not her yard. No. Only to find her perched several feet up in a tree dressed head to toe as a squirrel. So you think there's a prank. I can't tell if this is a prank. No, she probably has a mental health disorder. But I would like to, my best hope is that it's a dumb, you're going to get arrested for this prank. Which came first, her

getting in the squirrel costume where the disorder. And she wasn't, yeah, you're right, she probably saw this, that was a catalyst, she saw the squirrel costume was like an idea me thinks I have. It's a lot of long-term planning now, I mean, she had to gather the acorns. They're not up there. You know, the squirrels are like,

the fuck, who is that? We're up here. Wasting acorns. We eat those. We don't throw those. We eat those things. I get a weird feeling looking at this squirrel as a squirrel. The squirrels, like, I don't know the brain to figure it out, but something feels weird. Who is this asshole? Like sword in the stone.

I feel bad. The squirrel makes me feel bad as a squirrel. And I can't explain it. Even us a bad name. Yeah. That's, and like all the other squirrels are like, she's not with us. Yeah. That's not us.

She's acting on her own. And she wasn't coming down quietly. Witnesses say the woman began throwing acorns at responding officers while shouting, I am the squirrel queen. Yeah. So. Wasn't that a counting crow song? Yes.

Why did anyone call the police? There was no reason to call the police. No. No. Unless you're getting hit. Oh, you think the pelting began before the cops arrived. In my mind, this is just a person in the squirrel costume. Oh, yeah, leave her alone. People are concerned.

I mean, I guess maybe you are genuinely concerned that someone's having some sort of breakdown or episode. And it is dangerous to be up in a tree. But I'm not sure what the police can do once you're there. It's only one way out of that tree and it's down. Right. But if it's not, if she's at someone else's house in their tree, then that's trespassing. Then you got to this. That's tree.

I still might wait it out. Really? Yeah, just see where this goes. At first, Deputy. He's attempted to de-escalate the situation, asking her to come down safely. She refused. According to report, the suspect allegedly continued tossing acorns and branches. Branches.

Yeah. While issuing what one officer described as nature-based commands. This is what I don't know. Help me understand what nature-based commands are. Here at nature-based commands. What would be a nature-based command? Take a hike? I'm going to set.

Take a... Go jump in a lake. Stop being so sappy. Go jump in a lake. Nature-based commands. Take a long walk off a short bridge. One neighbor said it looked like a Disney scene, but aggressive. Was that person trying to be funny?

Make sure you get this quote in there. Like, we're dealing with a woman. Yeah, but I got aggressive. Have you seen a Latin? Don't you need other people to take up your cause to have an uprising? Yes. An uprising is we've now. Because if you're by yourself, it's an incident.

Right. But if I get everyone with me, I have raised up. What if she got the squirrels to rise up with her? She was like a squirrel pipe. Then I would, then I, this is, that's the next turn in this. I'm way back on. You're a community organization. You went, you got to, you know, one man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter.

Thank you. You know. Yeah, this is a revolutionary waiting for the, yeah. She was pushed. She was pushed. I mean, this could be like, if you told me this was the plot of over the hedge, I'd be like, yeah. Why not? It should be.

The situation escalated when officers move closer, prompting what they described as a targeted acorn barrage. Right. This could be the play, the movie, Nuts. And it just describes her. I don't know. I mean, I think that is a sort of like, just, hey, please, just wait for the, you know. Like Iran waiting for Israel to run out of interceptors. Just like, go stand back a couple feet and hold on.

Yeah. Just wait a bit. I'm not going anywhere. Just wait a little bit. She has a few moves, and then she's out of stuff. Right. Eventually, she sees her own shadows six more weeks of spring. That's true.

You put out some corn. She'll probably come down. Deputies. Who's nuts? These. Eventually, deputies were able to safely bring her down from the tree without injury. I'm glad. Thank you.

Very glad. When allegedly she reportedly told officers, this is my territory. You're trespassing. She might be right. Got to get this woman together with the River Lady. Right? Because these are two people who have to. similar they're part of the same fight yeah they're the same friend group riverlady and the

squirrel king is the new squirrel queen is the new risolean is i'll say don't miss gender the squirrel sorry she was squirrel queen's fronters are yes queen go for sure yes queen she's when asked to respond to it she was a little she wouldn't give the answer right away she she's a little squirrel uh she she she was arrested on charges including the sorely con conduct the costume was not confiscated the tree remains great why do we care about these things was she arrested she was not arrested no why would anyone think that the tree would be in trouble we got to bring it down you know once they lure someone up you get so you can't change them you're blaming the tree that tree he's got they got a taste for climbers now you got to bring that tree down

branches was getting real out there I mean look at the way was wearing yeah no was asking for a I sort of wanted this to end where you know what every once in a while there'll be a bear in a tree and they do the trank dart and they fall onto the trampoline? Yeah. It's a shame. Trank dart her in the ass. Bany tramp. Boom. Then according to neighbors, it's the first time anyone has ever had to call the police over a self-declared ruler of the backyard, but she's okay.

God bless her. Her age is right. Good little final story. That's a good little story. There you go. That is a show. That is a story. That's how we do it.

It's dumb people town. We just try and make the world a little. little bit better with a little comedy as we explore dumb behavior in this world you do such a good job on your podcast all of them i will continue to listen to and can and i want to do the dynasty typewriter show i'm going to say it right now we'll figure out a time where we can do it we're going to find a time we've got to come back love it and you have an open invite on this show anytime john love it is uh was our wonderful guest today and oh snap we got to get back to work we'll see you