Dumb People Town - Josh Gondelman - Nacho Nightmare

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

Comedian and writer Josh Gondelman (Positive Reinforcement) stops by as Jason describes how a woman shoved nachos down her wife's during a drunken argument, Randy explains why a driver snuck into an airport and pulled up next to a plane on the tarmac, and Daniel warns that Arizona might have more than one Penisman graffiti artist, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: ASCPA Pet Insurance and Quince! To explore coverage, visit ASPCApetinsurance.com/DPT. Stick to the staples that last with elevated essentials from Quince. Go to Quince.com/DPT for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty-five -day returns.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace And sometimes shoes, the life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail in Florida, there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast, Dan co-hosts Armand Dan. Members, don't be a jerk, because when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunker down, it's Dumb People Town.

Hey, Tatties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. Population, Gondelman. Josh. Josh Gond. The meanest man in comedy. The bad boy of hardcore mean comedy. Our generation's Andrew Dice Clay. Oh.

I will say this, Gondelman to me also sounds like the funniest character in Lord of the Rings. Grab the ring, Gondelman. Oh, Gandalf has a half Jewish cousin. Yeah. Ah, Gondolin. Let me talk to Gondolin. You're Gandalf the way, here's Gondal the Platt. Gondal the fake Lumberjack.

I'd cosplay as that character. That's right. Gondal the Platt. I would go with that for Halloween, do it. All right, so the world's getting dumber, Gondolin, and you've got a goddamn special. We're gonna talk about it. Yes, we are. In a little bit, but first let's just get to a dumb special. We're gonna talk about it in a little bit,

but first let's just get to a dumb story. We're here, let's jump into it, Jay. Okay, this was sent in by David. Fornier at DP482. Here's the headline. Hey. Yeah, there is a hey at the end of that, right? Here's the headline.

Nacho Nightmare. Oh, God. Anyone care to guess where this goes before I even get in? Nacho Nightmare is a jobber in the WWF. Right. He's trying to make his way out. From 1984 to 1986. He's disgruntled.

Six years off, came back for one year in what would that be, 92. Who wears half a mask. Yes, has been missing since 98. Nacho Nightmare. This is what they wanted, like the horror version of the track black movie. I wanna hear what each missing since 98. Nacho nightmare. This is what they wanted, like the horror version of the track black movie.

I wanna hear what each of you think the nacho nightmare is. Startin' to, Josh, what do you think this nacho nightmare could be with no information? I feel like a restaurant, they had a bad ingredient in their nachos and gave a bunch of people food poisoning. Or was like, okay, a rat in the, a rat head in the nachos? Yeah, so food poisoning, you're going. and then a rat head in the nachos. Yeah, so food poisoning, you're going.

I'm not going rat in the nachos. I just saw a video of a guy eating like the hottest, he's like, I'll eat this curry. It was like a curry challenge in England. And then just the cut forward of him like laying on sidewalk. And paramedics coming over and trying to like, he needed so much IVs and everything. He had had one bite of this curry.

He was like, I got it, I got it. So this is the hottest nacho chip ever. Someone ate the hottest nacho chip ever. I'm gonna go, it's two families in a fight at a nacho bar. And just throwing nachos. Like it's a nacho bar. Some sort of like fight around a nacho bar. And just throwing nachos. Like it's a nacho bar. Like Chinese stars. Some sort of like fight around a nacho bar.

If I were creating a Mexican martial artist, like he would throw nachos, I'm sorry. I know that sounds racist, but instead of Chinese stars, like he would throw nachos. I think there's a Doritos commercial that's like that. Throw a nacho? Throwing Doritos. Was it Joe Piscopo doing it?

I wish. God, if we could get that on the show. Talk about racist, like that commercial deal. I love everything that everyone's guessed. Dan is the closest. Yeah, the nightmare part. But none of you are really that close. Nacho Nightmare, woman allegedly shoves cheesy nachos

down wife's pants during assault. So this is a WNBA fight. Right. This is a fight over Katelyn Clark. Is it Katelyn or Angel Reese? We're into that fight now. But also this feels like, I know it's, first of all, we're not fans of domestic disputes or violence

or fighting, it never needs to escalate. And a lot of people have been wondering about where we stood. I'm glad I'm fine. Well for years we were pro, for years we were pro. And by we, we mean, we speak for us. Josh has not given his stance. I'm against.

I'm against as well. Okay, okay, okay. He is an anchor. Well, it's tough growing up twins because you're like, every fight is even. And then you have to, right. And then you grow up, you're like, oh, sometimes it's uneven and unfair.

We still hit each other on the meaty parts of our back. But no, but he's right. Every fight was even so that we had to call our fights. We literally had to just decide to stop fighting. There was never a winner. Because it wasn't like someone was way bigger than the other one. So there is a certain, like when people are in

like a fun throw a pie in the face, which some people would consider that to be a little too violent. But like, ever you see like Burt Reynolds throw a pie and like Mark Summers face on the dump water. Oh my God. Like that was like evil intent in the midst of that. But I'm saying like, if you don't smack someone in the face of the pie, there is always a moment where in a pie fight when it's really funny, someone opens up their pants, drops the pie in, and then just lightly pass it.

That's funny. That's funny to me. Like that to me is like, that's a hilarious man. This is not that. This is not dumping nachos in and lightly patting. I'd be honest, if I was, God forbid, ever in any sort of fight or a domestic fight at that, if they put the nachos in my pants, it's kind of funny. I was going to say I would be a little bit more mad

about wasting the nachos. Sure, of course. Like outside of the fight we're already having, I would say we also need to table how I feel about you wasting our nachos. There are children going hungry. Yes. And you're putting nachos on my pants?

Belgrande. I just like Chubb's cheesy nachos, like there are any other kind of nachos. That's just tortilla chips. Yeah, it would be just tortilla chips. Do you guys remember my very first Montreal JFL with the two of you? Yes.

2012 I believe. Oh my God. I'd be 15. Do you remember the nachos at the hotel that went on strike while we were there? The hotel workers went on strike. The nachos were a small little paper. The nachos crossed the picket line.

Well, the nachos they were serving was a little paper boat of chips and a side cup of salsa. And that was the nachos at the hotel in Monterey. That's chips and salsa. So, I'm just saying, you asked this question. Nachos are a large blanket that I uncovered. Let's get into it. Port St. Lucie. You can't have nachos without cheese. This is Port St. Lucie and I do miss our guy.

Greenlee. Yeah. He would have done this. He's moved on to hardcore journalism. Greenlee or Pastures. A late night snack turned violent in Port St. Lucie as a woman allegedly shoved cheesy nachos down her wife's pants and a salt bar.

Why was this story not sent in by late night nachos? I know. We have a guy. It might have been, it just might not have been first. Okay, the Port St. Lucie Police Department, PSLPD, if you're nasty, said that on May 3rd, officers responded to a home on Southeast Buttonwood Drive. Two days before Cinco de Mayo, you're gonna pull this shit.

It's appropriating someone's culture. It's problematic. It's so problematic. Regarding a domestic disturbance, according to police report, the incident began when a woman who was on the phone with a friend heard her wife physically assaulting her.

I don't understand any of this. No, the woman was not at the house. She's somewhere else on the phone with a friend. She hears this disturbance. Right. Got you. All right, so there's a lot of pronouns pronouns here, like I'm all for like being the right pronouns but these are not pronouns that are identifying clearly.

If anything, we need more gradation of pronouns. At this point you're like someone be a they in this scenario. That's right. So that we now know who's listening. Can one of you be gender non-binary? It started when a friend of the victim was on the phone with the victim and heard the victim being assaulted by the victim's wife.

Yes. Just to add more description. Let's just eliminate the pronouns altogether, okay. All proper nouns. It's like, okay, Megan was on the phone. Yeah, why not? With Lori. Lori's partner, Daisy, upon arrival,

officers reported contacting Allison Swan. This is her swan song. This is her swan song. She's the black swan. The suspect, she's the white swan, who insisted that everything was fine and claimed her wife was in a drunken rage. So was Alison Swan the one who was being,

this is so confusing, but when the police came, everything's fine, my wife's just in a drunken rage. Which is, everything's not fine. We're talking cultural appropriation, drunken rage, throwing nachos around, that's male behavior. That is. That is.

Male behavior. I mean, what are we doing? Okay, office. My wife. I did throw nachos once in my life. Just so I just want to pull this out. Did you throw nachos? At somebody?

I might have thrown. Might have. Own up to it, Dan. What's the statute of limitations on throwing nachos? He's like counting the years. I allegedly. It was. Can you allege yourself?

Yeah, you can. It was 100 degrees in the bleachers at Wrigley. I allegedly. It was. Can you allege yourself? Yeah, you can. It was 100 degrees in the bleachers at Wrigley. Oh my god. This is public in a game. Carrie Wood was kicked out of a game because a fan said that she heard him curse. What? And the umpire threw him out of the game for cursing. And everyone threw their nightjacks on the floor.

And I was in a bit of a drunken rage. Sure. Who, you, someone's wife? Everyone started throwing things from the bleachers onto the field. Somewhere I have a photo. This is 2002? The person behind me took a me with the nachos

about to throw them onto the bleachers. Mid-catapult. It was so hot that day. How hot was it? How hot was it? It was too hot to buy nachos. I'll tell you that, but they had to buy nachos. At Wrigley, the grounds crew had rigged up

one of the fire hoses that they have. They brought it up through the back of the bleachers, and then they walked down to the first row of the bleachers and would turn around and section by section hose off because they were worried about people getting heat stroke and fainting. Chicago style shower. And then people started tipping the grounds crew

to come back and hit there. I saw the wad of money. So what does Dan do when he sees the grounds crew, who should be taking care of the, just mowing the lawn and doing that. They're taking care of it. Do extra jobs. Young Dan says, now I'm gonna give them

something else to clean up. And then he tips him like someone who threw up in a hotel bed. Just like, it's true, eight year old child defense, I wasn't the only one throwing stuff. If all your friends were jumping off a bridge, if all your friends were jumping off a cruise ship, would you do it? Then you're sitting on the bleacher like the senator in Godfather 2, she liked it rough.

No, not me. Not me. All right, Dan. So I have thrown nachos. All right, you get it. And I apologize to the Cubs organization. Okay, now we're going to be confused again. Okay. Because I don't know if Allison Swan is the victim.

But officers spoke with the victim who shared that while she was preparing nachos in the kitchen, Swan, and we'll guess her age later, made comments about her eating late and her weight. That's unkind. That's rude. That's worse than throwing nachos. You're asking for it. That's worse than throwing nachos. No, but I think the person who says you're fat and should eat late is the perpetrator.

Right, oh, is the perpetrator? Yes, oh, I was seeing it the other way. No, it said Alison Swan is the suspect. Okay, Alison Swan is the person who's put the nachos down the pants. I feel like I'm in a beautiful mind. Here's, it's the most- Nachos?

Let me re-rack this and set this up. Okay. There's a woman on the phone. I don't know who is Alison Swan. We'll call her Megan. Let's call her Megan. Let's call her Megan. Megan 3. up. There's a woman on the phone. I don't know who is Alison Swann. We'll call her Megan. Let's call her Megan. Let's call her Megan. Megan 3.0.

It's Amber. Wait, we gotta pick. What is it? It's Megan. Amber is her friend on the on the on the alert. She is alert. She's been alert. She's the one that heard.

Amber says, is talking to Megan. What's going on? What's going on over here? And then Megan is preparing some nachos or whatever. Megan's on the phone. You've now confused all of us. No, Allison is preparing the nachos and Megan's on the phone.

She walks in and she's talking to her friend Amber. She walks in and she's like, wait, what are you doing? Why are you preparing nachos? It's late and you know you're, and she probably said, you know you're gonna regret this. Who's? Rand, you're so wrong. Okay, Jason you know you're gonna regret this. Who's?

Rand, you're so wrong. Okay, Jason. You've never been so wrong in your life. Randy's out. Jason, who is the friend? This is like if Abbott and Costello described the Zapruder film. And if everyone in the Zapruder film was a lesbian.

Okay. So he's back into the left, who? He's an offensive to call that the Super Ruder film. Use one of them as swan, Jason, when you do your breakdown. He just said the Subaruter film. That was phenomenal. Thank you. And in classic lesbian fashion, I'm just moving in with you. Okay, Jason.

So here's the deal. We're going to put Meghan on the phone as the friend. Okay, Meghan is a friend on the phone. She's not in the house. Who? On the phone, who? Megan, where? The friend, okay, she's calling.

All right, so Megan's on the phone, and she's talking to her friend Amber. Okay, okay. Amber is the one who was making nachos. Okay. Listen to me. Okay. She was the one who was making nachos.

And Megan's like, what's going on over there? Sounds like a hubbub. Allison Swanwalks in is like, oh, you're gonna make some late night nachos? You're fatty, you don't need those, you're fat. I know someone who doesn't need another meal of nachos. You already ate dinner. Right.

And the person making the nachos, who was Megan? Right. No, it's Amber. Amber, okay, Amber who's making the nachos. She's also the person who tells the cops, don't worry, everything's fine, my wife is in a drunken rage. That's correct.

And Allison Swan is the one who allegedly assaulted her. So Allison Swan allegedly hit her wife with the nachos, making it an eight. Do we call it a snack swan event? Yes. Yes, we do. So we must. Okay, so we event? Yes, yes we do. We must.

Okay, this led to a heated argument during which Swan allegedly grabbed a handful of nachos and shoved them down her wife's pants. Which I think could have been the beginning of foreplay. I don't know. I don't know how it works. I feel like, do you guys remember, I feel like in every 80s and 90s movies,

when there was sex, they were like, there's also berries or whatever. This feels like kind of a spin up. This is a lot of food. Fun with food. It's a sharp berry. Sort of. What is a nacho but a sharp berry?

It's culminated in the whipped cream bikini of Varsity Blues, sort of 99. Yes, you are correct. The affidavit continues to state that after the victim left to change clothes, left. Yeah, she left the kitchen. Look, I can't. I got sour cream.

But left is not clear. Did she leave the house? No, it's unclear. I got sour cream in my cooch. The report claims that Swan, and this is where- Toy Story X-rated doll, there's a snake in my boot. I've got sour cream in my cooch Alright sex Toy Story He called sex toys. Buzz keeps his name.

Yeah, of course he does. That's a cute name for a vibrator. Woody makes it too. Woody would apply. Woody applies. Who's the pig? Put your thing in the slot. All right, here we go.

The police noticed that the, okay, here we go. The pig is pink and has an opening. And you slide it in. The report claims that Swan pulled her wife to the floor by her hair. Oh, that's horrible. Forced her fingers inside the sides of her mouth, I'm assuming to get the nachos out.

Oh my God. What? And then slammed her head on the floor. Oh! Not good. It's not good. It's alleged, we don't know, police noted that the victim had nacho cheese on her pants

and showed officers a hole in the wall that resulted from the altercation. Where'd the wall come into this? And then she said it's fine. It's fine. She's just in a drunken rage. Totally fine. Yeah.

No, don't mind the nacho cheese on me. Yeah, ignore that. To be real and not funny, that is part of the problem with domestic violence a lot of the times. Don't mind the nacho. People go, oh no, everything's okay. It's like, it's not okay. Not okay.

But it's like, it'll be worse if this person gets arrested and then comes home still mad. Right. So then here's Alice and Swan. The report states in a later conversation with officers, Swan denied the allegations, asserting that her wife had thrown the plate of nachos and then rolled in them. Yeah. Who knew?

That is not. That's, come on. That's a bad alibi. That is terrible. That's the best a drunk person, like they're doing like, what is it, mad lib? Yeah, she throw them. They don't even know the next word in the set.

She threw them. Threw the nachos and then. Then what happened? Rolled on. Yeah, how did the nachos get all over her if she threw them away from you? She rolled on them. Oh, she rolled in them.

Yeah. Rolled on them. Rolled in them. Okay. Rolled in them. That's how it got there. Don't mind the nacho on my crotch. Also, we were all picturing like, shitty homemade nachos that we've all made.

Sure. Where you essentially just microwave it and then you create like a frisbee disk out of chips and melted cheese. Right, there's circular chips with Mexican cheese on top that melt down on it. And then the chip itself gets a little like soggy. And also like based on this story,

I'm gonna assume it's like not even good. It's not like shredded cheese, it's like Kraft Singles. They broke up. Stop it going to assume it's like not even good. It's not like shredded cheese. It's like Kraft singles. They broke up. Stop it, Dan. They don't really melt right. It's terrible. With plastic still on it.

On a styrofoam plate. Not to go back too far, but is Nacho and My Crotch, was that Three Six Mafia? That was Three Six Mafia. And that's what they won the Oscar for. Crotch Nachos. Crotch Nachos might have to be the name of this episode. Academy Award winners, Three Six Mafia.

I and Jon Stewart's greatest joke. One of the greatest jokes. Super Ruta film is. Super Ruta film or crotch nachos, either one could be the name of this. AKA crotch nachos. Let's get, we'll get out of here on the first story on this.

How old is Alison Swann? How old is a woman who would be willing to stick nachos down someone's pants and then lie about how it happened? This is a young girl's game. Really? She's 27. 27. This is a young girl's game. Really? She's 27. 27.

And I think she's just spicy. She doesn't realize that there will be other women in her life. Right. She's playing the game as if this is her last quarter. Far too deep into it. I played tennis this morning for the first time in probably, I don't know, a year. And I played so badly that I took my racket and threw it out of the court.

In front of other people, in front of other people. I threw it out of the court and there was a guy walking and I almost hit him. And by the way, as I was walking away to my friends, I was like, I don't regret it. I do not regret any of this. I did what I had to do. I just, I did what I did.

I put the nachos in the pants. Before Josh gets his guess, and maybe I'm buying a little time, I have such a sidebar, very quick question. Yes. I'm watching Friends and Neighbors. Okay. Hammer. Have have such a sidebar, very quick question. Yes. I'm watching Friends and Neighbors. Okay. Have you watched it?

No, I need to. Ham is playing tennis in episode two. He's great, he's great. This is my question, is he that good? He is good, I've played with him, he's good. He is playing where he is teaching someone else and I'm like, I mean, obviously I've known him for as long as I've known you guys,

but I've never played tennis with him and I was like, is John Ham this good at tennis were or did he have to get this good for this scene? No, no, no, he's good, but I'm like he has to be that good Jay and I played a bunch and I played so well that when we did the scene with Mark Maron in glow We had to play with like 1980s rackets little tiny rattle racquets. And we were whipping the ball back and forth.

The reason I threw my racket, the reason I was so emotional, is because you are better than, because I'm so much better than what I played today. And I was like, I can't believe I completely, every single ball. Sounds like you need to get an old school racket. Sounds like I need to just keep thrones.

You could use the Chicago groundskeeper to clean it. That's right. Hey, hey. All right, Josh, what is your guess? How old? Forty-two. I am so glad that you go first because you're the guest and we should always defer when we get. No, because that is what I was going to say.

So I'm glad I didn't take your number. Because I'm feeling 40s too. I'm going to go, I'm going to go 46. Okay, okay. Get your answers in when we come back. We'll talk about Josh's album. Okay. And everything else we have going on. Alison Swan, who threw nachos down someone's face.

Album special, am I right? Both. Both. Yeah, right. How many special? Don't downgrade it. I'm not special. Don't put the nachos in the back pocket here. Swan is 39 years old.

Oh, you're right. Well done, sir. Closest to the time. Story one down the books. Watch how I slide this. Jack. When we come back, Josh Gondelman, we'll talk about a special,

and talk about what we have going on. It's Dumb People Town, don't go anywhere. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into Josh's new special, which I'm very excited, which Jay and I saw, I believe, did you do some of the material?

Is it some of your parents having the same? Oh, that's new stuff. Oh my God. Your parents sharing an email thing is my favorite thing. Oh, that really, that's really great. It's one of my favorite new bits out there that exists in the world. Your show is the most fun to you, by the way.

The Tagged show? Are you using any of the tags? Did any of them come into your act? I have to go back and look. I think I tried one, but then I had a week off of standup and all the new worlds flipped away. I know, I got you. Well, anyway, we've got some stuff happening

and so I'm sure when this drops, I don't know when this is gonna drop. I think it'll be after, it's definitely gonna be after this weekend. So the next time you can see us is in Phoenix. We'll be at the... Phoenix in August. Phoenix in August.

No better time to be there. CB Live, Desert Ridge Improv, whatever it is called, you can check it. And then we just added the Stateside Theater in Austin. State Theater. State, I think it's the Stateside Theater. Either way. Either way, it's right next to the Paramount,

supersplowers.com, that is on September 18th, Thursday, is it Thursday? 18th and then on the 19th we're at the Rialto Theater in our buddy Hayes. Oh my gosh, what a great city, I love it. Right, in Raleigh, we might add some more on the end of that because there's the 20th at Saturday night and then more stuff, we're gonna be in Ann Arbor,

we're gonna be in Miami, we had a ton of stuff happening this fall, supersclarities.com for all that and extra tagging shows. And then we did this new series that we did that Aaron helped us with here. We shot it here, it's so cool, at Country Club Confidential. It's basically crazy country club stories.

Golf stories. Golf stories as told by and narrated by Joe Montania. And then we break it down almost like a Dumb People Town story with Matt Walsh with James Davis With Nate Craig and so we all kind of sit around stop it and start it and be like, oh my god What would you do in this scenario and it's at country club confidential VIP? And we go to YouTube and just go to YouTube and wall. It's called great read. So check that out Dude, let's talk about the special. Thank you. Yeah, it is called Positive Reinforcement. It's out on YouTube now on Blonde Medicine's YouTube channel.

That's the record label I work with. I'm Nick Del Bento. I'm Nick Del Bento, one of the best in the world. The best. And Jess Moses. Love Jess so much. Just such a great crew they have. She's a top tier person.

Really great folks. I've heard good stuff about it. I've read stuff about it. Of course I knew it was coming out, but you're getting some nice pub on the special, which I'm sure it's awesome. Where'd you record it? I recorded Bell House in Brooklyn.

Perfect. Yeah, just such a great room. It's like walking distance from my apartment. I wanted to do a home game. Great. It was really fun. My buddy Chris Werner directed it. He has directed so many of the big pieces

for last week tonight. That's where I met him and he's at SNL now. He directs a ton of the like, please don't destroy segments. Amazing. He's just like so talented. So you're happy with how it looked? I really am. Mark Newell did the production design.

People have said that the bell house is like unrecognizable to them, which is kind of fun. That's awesome. Yeah, that like we had this cozy, familiar feel for everybody that was there, but because the way it was shot, it looks like a different room, which is kind of fun. I love that.

Yeah, Russ Watson was the DP. It's just such a great crew. Dude, and where is it available? It is on YouTube. Great, title is? Positive Reinforcement. Love it. Thank you.

Good, which is literally your whole, everything about you. Your MO. Is that. Thank you. Positive Reinforcement. It is the least jokey joke. I feel like I overwrite everything. You're like us.

Yeah. We do it. We do it all the time. But it's this joke in the special where I say like, you know, it's about 45 minutes in, I go, I don't know if you've gotten this from me this far, but I do much better when I can, than, you know, saying negative things. I do much better when I can give positive reinforcement. And it pops at a level that I'm like, oh, they get me, which is so fun. So you earned that laugh through, first of all, career,

but you earned it through the first 45. Through the building of the character. It's like a fun, I didn't realize that it would hit as hard when I started saying it, because I was just like, oh, this is just a fact, and people were like, yeah, that is your vibe. Because you're a joke writer and you write phenomenal jokes and you're one of the best joke writers out there.

But that earned character thing, this is your, that is the direction where you're heading. I bet your next special is gonna have a lot more of that in there. You should definitely lean into that. We were doing this two man show that we're, you know, mounting and putting up potentially down in Costa Mesa at the west, at the South Coast Rep with hopes of bringing it

to New York and Broadway. But there's a joke there at the end that is a funny, it's just a joke about Jay's son. And I basically say it in a certain moment after a long pause, and it's not a hard joke. No, it was like a beautiful thing that he said and Randy just points out one tiny detail within it. Which is not a hard joke. Not a hard joke. No, it was like a beautiful thing that he said and Randy just points out one tiny detail within it. Which is not a hard joke, not a hard joke.

Biggest laugh in the show because we earned it up to that point, but this is what this sounds like. It's such a fun feeling, and I was like, I guess that has to be, because that's the thing people, it was almost called Everything Cruffin. Which is like a much more,

it's nobody who hasn't seen the special already would remember what it was called if I called it everything croffit. No, positive reinforcement is great because it describes your vibe. I feel like Dan, Daniel, you do this in your, like. Well I have a line in Rose Gold where I'm telling a story about getting in a confrontation with a person in Boston

and I always say. How, not in Boston? And I say I had a decision to make, do I run away from this or do I engage? And then I always go, if you've known me before you came tonight or you've just watched this, if you've known me for as long as I've been on this stage, you bet your ass, I engage. But I think what it's- You could probably have said, you bet your ass right?

Yeah, I think that joke is so great And it hits because it's almost like there were a positive version of the Emperor's new clothes Where you say to everyone you call out what we've all been seeing the whole time Yeah, you're all up to that point. Everyone's in a shared experience that whether they're cognitive of or not, they, you point it out in the moment, which it sort of like, it releases tension no one knew was building.

And they're like, oh, that is, you know that you're like this too. We all knew you were like that. And you're literally such a man. Also, I will also say, like, the choice to be a positive reinforcer in this moment in our world and everything is revolutionary.

It's really kind. I think so. And you're funny as fuck. Oh, thanks, man. It is just, it's like, it feels, it just feels like kind of the natural extension of who I am and what I think is funny too. It's like, sorry, humorous as fuck.

All right, shall we, positive reinforcement on YouTube, watch it everybody, shall I jump into this? Yeah, yeah. Story number two, sent in by Adam Poulton, at Poultski 75, love you. Hit it. Driver was able to bypass security gate, pull long side jet on tarmac May 17th.

That should scare the shit out of you. Yeah. Chicago! No way. Newly obtained video. And Jay, you and I, when we did- This can't be Midway or O'Hare. It's O'Hare.

No, it's O'Hare. You and I- If I had to guess of the two, to be honest. Jay, I would've put money on Newark. For sure. Yeah, there's a lot of crazy stuff happening in Newark right now. It's a hobby in Houston.

Newark is like Spirit Air's hub, anyway. So, like we've been down on the tarmac at O'Hare because we shot, like we were going through like the luggage and all that stuff we shot. Was that that thing for JetBlue? No, that was for the History Channel. History Channel, we're talking about like flight and all that stuff, but anyway.

So newly obtained video shows DoorDash drivers attempt to deliver food to a customer at Chicago Air's, O'Hare's International Airport. Who is the douchebag ordering DoorDash? It's someone who's like, they're like, we're gonna have to sit on the tarmac for another hour and a half. Oh yeah, I'm gonna watch this.

Watch this. And they ordered DoorDash. I wanna salute. P-Quads, send it. I wanna salute the integrity and diligence of that DoorDash driver. I've had people leave stuff outside the front door of my apartment building.

This guy is like, I'm in the airport, I've breached security. I'm weaving through 747. To get you a hot dog with tomatoes and celery salt on it. I just outran a luggage cart to get this shit to you. Shots are whizzing past his door window. He's like, I think it's on this way. There's only three options, right?

Either drove over a fence or a barricade. I'm gonna get into it. An opening that should not have been there or someone wave them through. Daniel, here we go. Let's get into it, all right? I love that you're, this is where your brain goes. There's only three options.

Chicago International not only breached perimeter security but also failed to trigger an immediate response. This is on somebody. Yeah. Surveillance video obtained by next stars WGN, the delivery drivers, red Hyundai Elantra is seen pulling up just behind and to the right of a United airlines wide body jet parked at terminal one.

Concourse C Dan, pour the sub. I got an all beef. at terminal one. Concourse C, Dan. For the sub. I got an all beep. Who got the Portellos? It's right here. You know it's like, it's gotta be a Chicago guy. Rolls down a window. I don't got all day. Come out of here.

Let's go. I'm not going up that ramp. I gotta get to Midway. I gotta deliver some rice to Oprah All right concourse here on midday. I gotta I gotta take two pizza rolls to a SpaceX flight What the vehicle stopped for approximately how long before pulling forward again and stopping alongside the jet? Two minutes. Five minutes. 25 minutes.

20 seconds. Oh, okay. Baggage handlers noticed the driver and approached. However, it took nearly 10 minutes for a Mark Chicago police vehicle to arrive. Yeah. What the hell are you doing? Where do you think you're going?

It's canon now, baggage handlers are first responders. You're right. When I bang my pot at 7 AM every night, it is for baggage handlers. They're the first line of offense on our bags and the last line of defense on our stage. Hey, hey, hey. Easy with that hanging bag. The hell are you doing? Where the hell do you think you're going?

All the cops at the airport are Dennis Farina. Dennis Farina's son was Sebastian Maniscalco. How the hell do you think you're going? Have you seen this guy? Have you seen this guy? He driving out. He thinks he can come in. Come in over here. Driving over there.

He's moving on down. Airbag popping out at him. Popping out, I know. Popping out. Anyway, so officers have approached the scene so they could have, it's unclear with the video whether they, airport security officers are approaching on foot.

WGN investigates learned that the driver entered the restricted area through a security gate at the southeast corner of O'Hare, indicating he traveled a significant distance across the massive airfield without raising an alarm. Just a red Hyundai Elantra driver. He had to know this is not right. Stopping for planes going across,

like no, no, no, you go. There he is, the red Elantra. Look at him, Red Elantra! It looks so weird to have a car on. A red car, dude. A red car. Oh my God, this guy. There he is.

Where do I leave it? You gotta, I put it. I mean, he's just driving. Make sure you give me five stars. He said no guard was clearly visible and he proceeded through the gate following instructions from his GPS coordinates. Yeah, I see where the phone is.

In an area, I just drop a pen, bro. No, the phone tells you where you are. To deliver the mail, the driver told police, now, police found the food order and a door dash receipt in the driver's car and released him without issuing any citation. Yeah, he's just following what his GPS. I'm happy that they didn't arrest him.

I'm so happy they didn't arrest him. Again, this to me is like the cops doing the right thing here. Yes, intent. The private security guard, the private security guard manning the perimeter checkpoint told police she didn't immediately report the breach. The vehicle had indeed driven through her post,

which she regarded as strange and unfamiliar. So why do anything about it? I like her style, right? She's just kind of like, let's see where this is going. I'm like, that's weird. Who are you, the guard at the hotel in White Lotus, season three? Following this incident,

Chicago Police Department of Agiation leadership met with the contractor, Lincoln Security, to review what occurred and refer to the matter at Transport Security Administration for further investigation. Further investigation means we're just gonna kick it down the road and no one will have to care about it. The employee involved is no longer employed

by Lincoln Security and the airport credentials have been terminated by the CDA, that's a bummer. But hey, you can't do that. A DoorDash spokesman did not answer a question about whether the company is still delivering food. Yeah, if your job description is to find out what that is at all times. The driver should.

And you go, I didn't really know what that was, so I just let it go. You don't get to keep your track. No, I'd just be like, you go, I didn't really know what that was, so I just let it go. You don't get to keep your car. No, I'd just be like, hey man, I didn't wanna like, I thought maybe that was someone part of airport security, like you know, whatever, she should've called it in. She should not have lost her job. They're very lucky this is someone with no evil intent.

I would dock her a week's pay, but still. But I would just be like, you never do that ever again. Yeah, you can't just, you never let a car go like, huh. That's weird. When you're going through TSA, every five feet, they're yelling at you to do whatever the specific airport regulation is, like you also work at TSA and should know that.

I don't know this. I don't know this. Yeah, it's like one shoe on, one shoe on. One shoe on, shoelaces out. Water out of the bag you want out on one knee I don't know what the water in your mouth spit it back into the cup on the other side We need to see we swish it around. I don't watch off that hand put it on the other arm slide on your Backward turn across style you do the hokey pokey.

Give the full name of three characters from Mary Poppins. Ma'am, you cannot put that there. Meanwhile, a car drives in and she's just like, interesting. Yeah, weird. You don't see that every day. That's weird. But I do believe that this should become a commercial for DoorDash.

They're like, we'll get it to you. We'll go anywhere. We'll go anywhere and we will get it to you. They should make that driver the spokesperson for DoorDash. They're like, we'll get it to you. We'll go anywhere and we will get it to you. They should make that driver the spokesperson for DoorDash. I wouldn't stop. Or Sebastian Maniscalco. You gotta go. This lady, go over here.

You've seen these people. What are you doing over here? Anyway, there you go. That's story number two down. Dan, give us a little taste of what we're gonna hear in story three. Oh, Penis Man. Oh, I'm so excited.

Penis man, let me find out what Dan's got going on. It's Dumb People Town with the great Josh Gondelman. Positive reinforcement is new special on YouTube. Go watch it, put a good review down because that helps out in the algorithm and lets people know about it, and then share it with people. We'll be right back.

Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. So my family and I have been watching this dog, our in-laws dog. She's a labradoodle, she's a party doodle, two doodles combined. And she is just the most wonderful presence in our lives and we love her so much and she brings us so much joy and we are trying to steal her from my in-laws. That's what pets do. They creep into your life and they become super important. And today's episode is sponsored by the ASPCA

Pet Health Insurance Program, and it's relevant because, like I said, your pet feels like it's part of your family. I understand that in the deepest way, and you always want the best of them no matter what, but the vet bills, man, they can really add up and that is why you should check out Pet Insurance and with ASPCA Pet Health Insurance, you can focus on the care your pet deserves and cover what matters most. The ASPCA Health Insurance Program offers customizable accident and illness plans making it easier for pet parents like you to help your pet get the care they may need. The ASPCA health insurance program has been around for over 18 years and they've helped more than 600,000 pets during that time. So you know they're legit. They'll

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Again, that is ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash dpt. Again, that is aspcapetinsurance.com slash dpt. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The SPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. All right, so Daniel, I am at the point with my wardrobe where I'm like, it's gotta be good and it's gotta fit perfectly or else I don't want it. 100%.

Or else I don't want it. Yeah, you never wear high heels anymore. I don't do it anymore. No, you want to look as good as you feel. So I was looking around for, I need a good linen short. And we'll get to this in a minute. And then I'm like, I don't even know where to go to get this.

Well, thank God for our sponsor. Thank God for our sponsor, Quince. Quince has the kind of stuff that you'll actually wear on repeat. Like breathable flow-knit polos, crisp cotton shirts, and comfortable lightweight pants that somehow work for both weekend hangs and dress up dinners.

I can say that personally because I got a nice linen, white linen shirt. Thank God, dude. I got from them and I wore on a trip in Spain. There you go. That's the perfect, Quince. You were like a Spaniard. So by the way, I said to my wife,

I was like, she's like, who made those shorts? Cause I got these shorts. I'm like, Quince, she's like, who made those shorts? Because I got these shorts. I'm like, Quince, she's like, Quince. I said, yeah, they're sponsoring a podcast. She's like, I love Quince. The best part about Quince, everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands. By working directly with top artisans

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where I'm heading back east. And I just can't wait. I just put them on. They're the most comfortable, perfect size, made really well, and they were not that expensive. I was looking at the price on Quince. I'm like, these prices are amazing, amazing, affordable. I want, if you're looking to just add

like one or two pieces or whatever it is. Or get someone a gift. Or get someone a gift. This is a wonderful. Quince is great. Wonderful website. I love them and I love that they're sponsoring our stuff. All their stuff is good.

And by the way, I feel like I just got one thing. The door is open, I'm now gonna get a bunch more. Do it. I will. Do it, lady. How can people do it if they're missing the show to the staples at last with elevated essentials from quince go to quince.com slash DPT with for for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns that's quince quince.com slash DPT to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash DPT. Hey gang, welcome back to the show before we jump into story three and penis man.

Daniel, you got a podcast here that people should be listening to. You got dates coming up. For sure. So the end of July. Let's do that the 24th 25th 26th I'll be at Dayton, Kentucky and in Cincinnati on Friday and Saturday go to Daniel van Kirk comm I'll be a Commonwealth sanctuary on Thursday, and then the common in Cincinnati both phenomenal places You should all go there when you have a shirt. Did you already do that? Yeah that'll that already have already I love those people in Green Lake

shout out Thrasher Opera House and then the first weekend Portland, I'm gonna be in Portland and Everybody should go to Daniel van Kirk comm will be at the siren theater in Portland the first Friday in August and then after that I'll be in Massachusetts I'll be in Cohasset and I'll be in, and then I'll be in Eureka, California, and Richmond, California at the end of August. Everything is up at Daniel Van Kirk. Nice.

Can we shout out Polaris Hall? We did it on a Wednesday night in the summer in Portland, which is just a terrible time to, when the weather was nice in Portland, and 100 people came out. It was so nice, and like, if we were to- Crowd was awesome. Crowd was awesome, all of our shows in Washington,

what not, but if people, I think we'll come back there and do it again, because we'll do it at a time when we can sell it out and it's just as fun. Anyway, go ahead. All right, here we go. Sent in by Dennis Birdziak. Birdziak. Birdziak.

Birdziak. At D. Birdziak. All right, here we go. Yeah. Cyrano de Birdziak. He lets the birds speak for him. Or the birds like, I'm shy, and he's like. He's talking, she likes you.

She's speaking for the birds. It's a weird little quick story that just is 100% in the blotter for dumb people. Arrested Arizona penis man claims there are more penis men like him. So men? Just men? No, penis man.

And other penis mans. Many believe that the infamous Penis Man graffiti artist who tagged dozens of spots in Arizona was brought to heavy handed justice. Oh, he put a penis on things? You mean every 12 year old-old boy in America? Wasn't that an episode of that whole thing? Yeah, American Vandal. Yes, but containing the spirit of Penis Man

will be much harder than anyone would have expected. According to the Phoenix News Times, a man named... You can only hope to contain the Penis Man. The ball's on this guy. A man named Dustin Schomer. Dude, he's a Schomer, not a Gromer. All right, here we go. I was waiting.

Why did I pause? For gold. I paused. That's for gold. Wow. Dustin Schomer posted on Facebook Saturday morning that he, usually the cops saying, here's who we got, he's doing it himself, That he was arrested in Phoenix,

in his Phoenix condo by a SWAT team. Phoenix condo SWAT team. What? Did the condo had to like go through the condo, you know, like their whole. Buzz them in. Phoenix condo SWAT team does sound like. We need to get that doordash driver to just.

No. Phoenix condo SWAT team, Rob Hubel show. Phoenix condo SWAT team. That's a Rob Cordray, that's like a children's hubel sheer. Cordray, Hubel, sheer. Okay, they raid, this is what he wrote on Facebook, keep your shit to yourself, penis man, alleged.

Well, because I'll tell you, they raided my condo and vehicle and swarmed my entire complex in West Phoenix with 25 heavily armed SWAT officers, that's redundant, and pointed a silenced assault rifle in my face because he's Penis Man. Yeah, dude, and it's Arizona. They're gonna come, Arizona is like the Singapore of America. You do one little thing wrong, you are gonna get caned.

They're cracking down. Like you're getting caned, bitch. Related to incidents where he spray painted Penis Man, not a penis. Just the word penis man. Yes, on various buildings objects. How many counts do you think they gave him related to spray painting Penis Man?

It's Arizona, you get life in prison. I added them up. How many counts do you think they got? It's Arizona, he could be going to El Salvador at this point. 50 counts? 28 counts. 28 from Randy?

18. 25. Wow. 16 counts of aggravated criminal damage, eight counts of criminal damage, and one count of criminal... Aggravated? No, at the most it's whimsical criminal damage. We haven't seen the veins.

It's criminal mischief. We haven't seen the veins. It might be aggravated. It's erected. But is Shomer the Penis Man, settled down person who wrote this article, is Shomer the Penis Man? This isn't like that guy who lived in the wilderness

for 27 years. The main hobbit, Lake Pond hobbit or whatever. Okay, Shomer, is he the Penis Man? This is the one that's been tagging spots across the state for two months and captured nationwide attention Schomer says no, he's not the penis man. He's just a follower who did a few of the tagging Okay, copycat. Whoa, I'm not the original, Schomer told the Phoenix News Time on Monday.

But I did do it. There are hundreds of copycats with very distinctively different handwriting. Now he's getting in. Then as he's walking away from the SWAT team, the limp goes away, he starts to really, like how crazy is that? If the penis doesn't fit.

Do you think you can stop us? Do you think when Kevin Spacey got out of jail, he lost the limp and then just got out? This is like the penis man version of V for vendetta. P for penis vendetta. Do you think what the handwriting analyst that gets brought in to do that is just like, ah, fuck me, it sucks.

Clearly the head was drawn first, shaft second. You can see the mushroom on this one. They bring in anaconcal. Schoemer said that he heard some. My anaconcal don't want that. Ah, yes. This is one of the most dumb people town fucking sentences.

Uh-huh, let's hear it. Schoemer said he heard some people in a Tempe bar talking about the real seemingly phantom-like penis man and got inspired to do some of his own. I just like that he got inspired by anything. There's so, like we are so, and he did it. He followed through on something. As a parent, you're just like,

I just like, find something you love and follow through. Overhearing something at a Tempe bar will never inspire you to cure cancer. But I'm telling you guys, you're never gonna do something for a society. We performed in Tempe. We wrote eight scripts of a Dumb People Town show that may never see the light of day. Probably will eventually. But the idea, if one of us had, anyone had pitched the idea of a B story where

there's a penis man and it becomes a secret movement in town. That's what this is. That's what this is. That's and it's like, try and stop us. He says this is. You think you got us? Victimless crime. As soon as you kill me, there's five more though. He gets inspired. It's like my favorite moment. He is risen. In any Batman movie ever,

and I'm not like a Batman aficionado. I can't even tell you the difference between Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer. I just can't, I'm terrible. Both great in their own right. But my favorite moment is when Batman is about to drop. Heath Ledger is the Joker off the thing and he's gonna do it and it's like you just want him

to drop, this guy's created so many problems, drop his ass, just drop his ass. And Heath Ledger who has, that Joker who has everything going against him and literally his life is in the other guy's hands, says the one thing that makes him not drop him is like if you drop him, you become me. If you drop me, you become me. And it's like he checkmated him in the worst place.

You drop penis man, you become penis man. You create another five. So Schoenberg, who hurt people in a bar, talking about penis man and got inspired, says quote, I thought it was a good message. That's his quote. To whom? Of what?

He doesn't seem to be the only penis disciple, which the author of this article capitalized penis and disciple, which he has now coined as a term. He's trademarked it. As documented by the Twitter account, Penis Man Fans, capitalized penis and disciple, which he has now coined as a term for a thing. He's trademarked it. Yeah. As documented by the Twitter account Penis Man Fans, at least one new tag has been spotted since Schomer's arrest. Who are the penis disciples?

The final sentence. Dick, Peter, John? This is the final sentence. Johnson? Penis Man, this is a quote from Schomer, who wrote this on Facebook, and I will get out of here on this quote. Okay. This is quote from Schomer who wrote this on Facebook and I will get out of here on this quote. Penis man is neither man nor woman, you nor me. We are all penis man.

I love it dude. You drop one penis man. Is this a cafe bar because I'm inspired? Drop penis man, you become penis man. That's a show. Dude I love it. This morning and this hangout with you was exactly what it is, positive reinforcement.

When this show is at its best, we are positively reinforcing each other. Positive reinforcement is Josh Gonneman's special. Go watch it right now. Watch it. Leave a comment, send a like, share it. All of that matters. Send it to a friend if you like.

Send it to a friend. That's how comics, that's how we make these unbelievable independent specials and get to keep making more and more and more and more. And you guys, oh snap, we gotta get back to work. We'll see you.