Dumb People Town - Katherine Blanford - Baby Axe

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

Comedian Katherine Blanford (Catholic Cowgirl) stops by as Jason describes how an axe vs knife fight broke out at a Boston public library, Daniel explains how a confused traveler mistook a stranger's home for his AirBnb, and Randy warns against hitting your significant other with your car on the way to couples therapy, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Hims, Skylight Frames, and BetterHelp! Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT for your personalized hair loss treatment options. As a special, limited-time offer for our listeners, get twenty dollars off your purchase of a Skylight Frame when you go to SkylightFrame.com/DPT.  Find comfort this December, with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast, Dan, with co-host Armand Dan And Ernie, don't be a jerk. We spread the music, press the funny hits,

and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunker down is Dumb People Town. Guys, if your hair looks different than mine, which mine doesn't exist, but when you leave the house, I remember. It's phone, wallet, keys. How's my hair look? But if you're experiencing hair loss, you may not be so confident

when you step outside your door. It's time to get that confidence back and restore your hair with HIMS. Start your free online visit today at hims.com slash dpt. That's h-i-m-s dot com slash dpt for your personalized hair loss treatment options. HIMS.com slash dpt for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Hims.com slash DPT. Results vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine

if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Townies, want to celebrate with and stay connected with people who are far away? Missing someone this holiday season and you want them to be part of your festivities from afar? Do your loved ones live far away from you but you wish that they could feel like they were close to you or you just wish they were? Well now we have a special limited time

offer for our listeners. You can get $20 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame when you go to skylightframe.com slash dpt. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E dot com slash dpt. Get $20 off your purchase now at skylightframe.com slash DPT. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. How do you stay cozy during the winter months? For some, wrapping up in a blanket with a mug of hot chocolate or watching a movie with family is the best way to spend the month of December. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort that never goes away, even when the

season changes. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash GPT today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash GPT. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you.

Population, Blanford. Catherine Blanford. Hi, guys, I'm the mayor. Welcome to Dumb People Town. The mayor of Dumb People Town. I've always been the mayor, you should know. Yeah, well, that election's definitely contested. Yeah, The mayor of Dumb People Town. I've always been the mayor. Well that election is definitely contested in Dumb People Town. We're going to play a game today.

She's got a sweater on that she still has left the tag and is still deciding if she's going to keep it. What do you think guys? Let her know. I think it's a plus. It looks good on camera. It looks good on camera. Okay, but here's the kicker and this kind of pisses me off. This right here is an extra small. It looks good on camera. Oh my god, you look great. Okay, but here's the kicker, and this kinda pisses me off. This right here is an extra small. How annoying is that?

Extra small. No, they're really just trying to boost people's comment. You bought it in Charleston South? In Charleston South Carolina. That is extra small for Charleston South. Carolina. Like a Walmart large. You know the capital of Charleston South Carolina

is Bubba Gump Shrimp. Thank you. Is that the capital? That's where they do all the government work. You don't know that. Holy smokes. If you want to storm that Capitol, it just means you go, you show up early for dinner.

Okay, here we go. I'm gonna jump right into the story. Jump right in. Don't get in there. She's got a special. We'll get into it. Story number one sent in by our good buddy, Elise LeBlanc.

Yay. Love you, girl. Yay, yay, yay. Here we go. Violent confrontation with axe and knife unfolds at Boston Public Library No serious injuries reported, so that's why we can do this story cuz no one was hurt Yeah, no, sir, but when's the last time you were at a library Catherine? It sounds like that was just a Boston flash mob It's a meat cube. Oh, you don't like the Celtics?

Yeah, right. You're wicked dumb. Wait, axe versus knife? Or one person could have had both. Axe and knife, true. Is it one of those small axes you take camping? Small hatchet? Well, and who is the dumb one?

You know how they say, like, you brought a knife to a gunfight. You brought a hatchet to a knife fight, or you brought a knife to a hatchet fight? You brought an axe to a knife fight. Okay. Or a knife to an axe fight. But isn't an axe like the machine gun of knives? An axe you can hit a lot harder, but a knife you can be a little quicker with.

Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab. Oh yeah, that's a good point. Three shots in with the knife and then, OJ used a knife, he didn't use an axe. Like let's be honest, all right? You really want to get the job done. Allegedly. Cleaner.

Cleaner. Axe. Or dirtier. More blood spattering. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't use a knife, he didn't use an axe. Like let's be honest, right? If you really wanna get the job done, allegedly. Cleaner. Cleaner. Axe. Or dirtier. More blood splodding. Yeah.

Now do they both stumble? None of them were planning on being in the library. No. When they packed their axe that day. But also this is Boston, this could be like a children's reading program and they each get to bring their own weapon. Dude, I'm gonna bring my axe.

It was sorta fuckin fucking curious George. George. It's, it's actually, that was the clown performing for the children in the library that day. He got mad. He's like, he went into his bag. He literally went into his bag. So if, here's what I think, if Gallagher became a serial killer, he'd use an axe. Yeah, Gallagher too, a knife.

Okay. Yeah, a knife. Okay. Definitely a blown object. You guys wanna hear what happened? Chaos erupted at Boston Public Library earlier this week when a confrontation between two men escalated into violence involving an axe. Over the Rom Rita. Why?

Who's walking around with an axe? Dude. It's my turn to use the Rom Rita. Right. It's Tuesday. It's Tuesday. Yeah, dude, you done with that fucking microfib? Dude. You done with that microfib, son? It's the wrong Rita. It's Tuesday. It's Tuesday. Dude, you done with that fucking micro-fiche?

You done with that micro-fiche? It's a micro-film. Dude, you done with that fiche or what? Dude, it's a micro-film. You hoggin' a fiche. NBC boss reported the fight, which began outside on the sidewalk around what time? 9 a.m. Ooh. It's on the sidewalk? Nine a.m. Ooh. Wait, it's on the sidewalk?

Sidewalk. Well, we're recording this at nine a.m. So this is normal time. Sure. Six a.m. Six a.m.? You said morning? That's a holdover from the night before.

Yeah. I didn't say morning. Okay, I'm gonna go two p.m. All right, get your answers in. It happened at 11.30 a.m. Whoa! On Monday. You wanna do this before lunch, do it.

On Monday, and made its way into the library's dining area. No! That's the most polite way to describe a fight was out of control. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It made its way into the dining area. That's a melee. What library has a dining area?

That's what I was gonna ask. Where should we eat this morning? It's in the library. Probably a little cafe. Is this the library in the hospital? hospital. No, that's always sad Come on. Yeah, this is very guy pulled out his hatchet. The other dude was like, oh my god, dude. It's a baby X Baby X J. Oh my god. Oh my god, Jay

No, no, it doesn't even have any blood Baby X, Jay. Oh my God. Oh my God, Jay. Baby X. It's snow, no it doesn't even have any blood on it. No, let me, let me, let me X. It's a virgin X. Let me X you pinky toe. All right, one bystander. Now, okay, we have had some amazing characters on Dumb People.

Sure, of course. Officer. Dr. Ravioli. Dr. Ravioli. Dr. Robert Ravioli. Real person from a story. Psychologist. Officer. Dr. Ravioli. Dr. Ravioli. Dr. Robert Ravioli. Real person from a story. What? Psychologist.

Officer Bonebrake. Oh, officer Bonebrake. Yeah, man, that's a deep cut. He's an orthodontist. Is he? He's an orthodontist. His first name is Officer. He's an OBGYN.

Dr. Officer Bonebrake. All right. Brace yourselves for a new leader in the clubhouse, a name that will land in the hall of fame of all names. Don't people know't people don't bystander Noctis Farrell Noctis Farrell

Not Pharrell Williams no Farrell like like a cat like he's wild and he wants to have sex with everything. Yeah, if your name is Noctis Farrell, you're in a Wes Anderson movie. But Noctis Farrell is someone who is like in deep need of sex and can only do it at night. He's Noctis Farrell. Noctis Farrell like lives at the library where he works. Yeah, no he DJs at the library.

And all the sounds are animal sounds. That's correct. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Noctis Farrell who was working at the News and all the sounds are animal sounds. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Noctis Arrow who was working at the News Feed Cafe. Where else would he be working? Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Located within the library, the News Feed Cafe.

Describe the initial moments of the altercation. This is what Noctis Ferrell had to say. Quote, he was already like having the axe in his hand, waving it around, and he was screaming at the other guy, do you wanna die, do you wanna die. I think this guy needs to be more well read if he's working at a library cafe. He was like with an F.

The newsreader's cafe. News Feed Cafe. Sorry. As Noctus Ferrell recounted it. I get it, cause you're feeding people. Yes. The Newspaper's Cafe. News Feed Cafe. As Noctis Frell recounted it. I get it, because you're feeding people. Yes. Oh, dude, this is a promo for the library.

Pretty good name. Pretty good name. Do you guys have any newspapers here? No. No. But we got feed. We got feed. He recounted an interview with NBC Boston.

He did swing at the other guy with the axe a couple of times. But, hold on, I got you here. I mean, can you imagine that? You see just a guy with an axe taking swipes at another guy and you're just working at the newsfeed cafe. That's the point. I don't even think I intervene. I'm on break, yeah.

Dan, you like me. And I'm a big intervener. Dan's a big like, how's everybody doing? But I think even that, axe is out. I'm a lot of like back. Yeah, everybody, everyone else. You're now covering other people up. Axe is scarier than Gunn, you could say. Yeah, because I feel like Gunn

could wipe everyone out in a hot second, but Axe is like, we don't know what he's gonna do. I will say this, Gunn, I do feel like I have a chance of talking to you. Right. Axe, you left the house with an axe. So like whatever's going on started years ago. Knife, you could have been camping.

Sure. And just shut up and had a bad day. A handyman, you're just. Gone, you could be scared. Right. Right. Now, axe, you're too far into your problem. I'll choose axe, but axe is like. But if you throw an axe at someone, it is gonna stick.

If you throw a knife at someone, you might be able to like block it or pull it out real quickly. But an axe is gonna go. Yeah, the play is probably, I hope the axe gets lodged into your forearm. Right. And if you get hit by an axe and you don't die, you're gonna, for the rest of your life,

people are gonna know you were hit by an axe. It's not a wound. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're for the rest of your life, people are gonna know you were hit by an axe. Not a wound to hide. What is not? You're like the dude from Gladiator. Yes. Yeah, that's right. They're like, was that the Newsweek fight? Newsreaders.

Newsfeed. Newsfeed. Newsfeed. All right, here we go. Newsfeed. Farrell, okay, he did swing at the other guy with the axe a couple of times, but he missed every time.

Farrell added, described. Well, that's kind of some shade, isn't it? Yeah, he missed every time. I wouldn't have missed is what he's trying to say. Where are we sitting at, News Feed? Let's sit in the reference section. So they always try to sit you there first. Oh yeah.

You have to be like, no, we don't wanna be there. It's drafty, let's go over there. Farrell added, describing the tense situation before he decided to alert his manager of the unfolding violence. Wait, he's describing it to NBC boss? And then he's like, hey manager of the unfolding violence. So wait, he's just describing it to NBC Boss and then he's like, hey, let me tell you. Hey, there's someone with an ax over here.

Thank you, NBC Boss, and for being here, but we should probably solve this. The second man. You're in the way. Equipped. You know what's funny too, is if somebody was like, guys, take it outside, they're like, that's where we started.

We started outside. We took it inside. That's what they said. You wanna go inside? You wanna take this inside? Meet me inside. I'll meet you inside. Cash me inside. That's what they said. You wanna go inside? You wanna take this inside? Meet me inside. I'll meet you inside.

Cash me inside. If you're man enough. The second man equipped with a knife then tackled the axe wielding individual. Oh yeah. Is this person just learning how to write? Like they're like, we need to, we can't say man. We can't say, we gotta keep changing.

It's very progressive for Boston though. Yeah, equipped with a knife. One guy went after the other guy. All right. Individual inside the venue Very progressive for Boston, though. Yeah, yeah. Equipped with a one guy, what after the other guy. All right, individual inside the venue amidst the backdrop of books and the quiet murmurs of weekday morning patrons engrossed in their reading. Someone's got a creative writing needle.

Uh-oh. Hold on. Somebody got a couple of extra friends. Put this story on the shelf. Listen, he wants to get in the library. Dude, I went to North East. I took one course at Boston College. He wants to get in the library. It's good. Dude, I went to North East. I took one course at Boston College.

The second man equipped. It was the best of times, it was the wickedest of times. Dude. You like apples? All right, here we go. The second man equipped with a knife then tackled the axe, wielding individual inside the venue amidst the backdrop of books and the quiet murmurs

of a weekday morning patrons engrossed in their reading. Which were just. It's like a regular Henry David Thoreau. Which were disrupted by the, this is way too long of a sentence. Which were disrupted by the scuffle that ensued right in front of the checkout counter, semicolon. Policed arrived shortly thereafter and arrested both.

What is this, a Terrence Malick movie? Participants, comma. Oh God! Fortunately no serious injuries were reported as per turn to 10. That, the sentence took longer than the fight. It's very true. The incident has raised concerns about public safety

and police staffing. The Boston Police Patrolmen's Association recently highlighted the shortage of nearly 600 officers. Look, you wanted to fund the police? This is what you're gonna get. Right, you're gonna have to have librarians defending you. Yeah, and they can't fight off axe wielding individuals. No, you gotta give each librarian a flamethrower.

You gotta give each librarian a flamethrower. And they can't blow those same throws amidst the quiet murmurs of people reading. Give it a torch. They're gonna light all those pages on fire. On fire. The library clashed. The murmurs, they're gonna silence the murmurs. A library clashed. The murmurs, they gotta silence the murmurs.

A place, Silence of the Murmurs is a, That's good. Is the library version of Silence of the Lambs. This also proves the theory that in Boston, everywhere you go, someone's fought here. Yeah. That, I mean, there's just a plaque everywhere. Yeah.

They go, they go, you want the Tale of Two Cities without blood on it, or you want the Tale of Two Cities without blood on it, or you want the Tale of Two Cities with blood on it? It's six dollars extra. We'll take the non-blood one. Also, I love that in this whole story, one bystander. Which means there's probably 15 other people that are like, I'm not dealing with this.

Or they just pretend it wasn't happening. It's Boston, they're like, ah! Can we get a quote? No. Nope. The library clash, a place for community engagement, underscores the city's challenges. NBC Boston reported that Farrell described the scene vividly.

Noctis? Noctis Farrell described the scene vividly. The guy with the axe turns around and starts walking in the library, and that's when the second guy tackles him in the middle of the library, and they started fighting on the floor. This is like Peter Griffin in a chicken.

I know. This is beautiful. The guy started talking, they walk to the library, then the other guy tackles him inside the library and then they fall down the wall. Inside the library. They're all in the library.

This is also one of those things, I don't care how many times I've said this over the course of years of doing this podcast, this is also one of those things that if you had two shows later that night and This happened in front of you. This is your opening story. Oh Dan. This is 25 Stage with that energy of like do you people want to know what I saw in your city today? At a library, you'd almost feel like I need to write everyone involved a letter

I need to do a positive review of news feeders and go up and be like, thank you. Thank you for this goal. I think it's just called the news feed cafe, but I think news feeders is better. Can we change it? And everyone eats out of troughs. It's actually just a dog feeds store in the library. That's also where I lose the audience. So like it's news feeds. It's news feeds Feeds Cafe!

I call it Nudes Feeds. They give everybody a little bucket and ear straps and you just feed in your mouth. It's Nudes Feeder, actually. That's what they get used to. That's my Instagram. Follow me at Nudes Feeds. It's a nudist colony at a library.

A library in a nudist colony. I forgot my library card. Why? I don't have pockets. I don't have pockets. You think I'm gonna put it in the folds of this? They lift up their boobs. Yeah.

Wait, so. What a gift. This is a gift. Dan, you told a 20 minute story on stage about a guy pulling into a parking space. Yeah, that's how I closed my special. In Boston. At a Boston fight.

The nicest Boston fight in the world. Although I will say for those who are about to see you, the Waffle House story is one of the best that you've. It might end up being my new closer. It has to be, it's one of the best stories I've ever seen. Anyway, go ahead. Are you, your Waffle House story happens while you're on the road for a chef.

Yes. 100%. You just ride a new hour, just walking around in new cities. Catherine, this story is, has so many twists and turns, it is so funny. I gotta find the photo I took with the waitresses. I mean, it could've been, it's a classic dumb people town story and you were in it.

Oh, thanks. Can I guess, it's Waffle House, I'm from the South. Yes. Can I guess the state? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Georgia. No.

Alabama. No. Florida. No. South Carolina. You were gonna say it last year like of course, Mississippi Yeah, Louisiana Opelousus Louisiana My god, don't give it away. Oh guys go see Dan where he every is live that's story number one I was that is a great great story. Isn't that great? So noctus feral new new leader in the I love it

I will we come back when I tell you how you can follow Catherine will tell you what we have going on and I talked about a special it's something fun. Catherine Blanford right back Can I tell you guys really quick I'm just been really excited about this I Got a new house plan. I really like it. It doesn't require a lot of sunlight. I think it's called a noctus feral. Ah, we are back, that's Catherine Blanford. I let her tell the story. You're all better. I knew she was going for the joke.

I knew she was going for the joke. So it survives on moonlight. The second you started doing that, I'm like, that's why I love her. I'm into the joke. You can tell she's so fun. We're gonna talk about, she's got a new special you guys can watch and follow her and whatnot.

First things first, wanna thank everyone who came out in St. Louis to the Sheldon Theater. How fun was that weekend? That was amazing, Dan, you were fantastic. You guys haven't even told me how that show went. Oh, it was unbelievable. It was fantastic. Packed show at the Sheldon Theater,

like 700 people, it was beautiful. That's right. Some of the best acoustics we've ever, I mean, that's where I'd wanna shoot a special. It's so, so beautiful. You definitely should. Tag It the night before was so much fun. Thanks for letting me jump on it with your voice.

Daniel, you were great. You were great, and your show was great that you did that we saw you the night before. It was just wonderful seeing everybody. That festival was great. Everyone involved in that festival, putting it together. Flyover Comedy Festival is a must. Unbelievable.

And- Shout out Ray Williams. Shout out, Scott. We shout out all those guys. So we are gonna be in, we're doing a Tag It on December 5th at the Comedy Store in the main room, which I'm very excited to do that. Bobby Lee, yeah, Adam Carolla, Ron Funches, Beth Stelling, and yeah, please, Beth Stelling and Jay Larson.

Gonna be super fun. So that's on the 5th. And then we're doing our two-man show, which is kind of a Birbiglia-esque, is what I would describe people, Neil Brennan, Alex Edelman, at the Lyric Hyperion on December 9th, 12th, and 15th. We've been saying the 16th, which is a Monday, but it's 15th, a Sunday night, the Lyric Hyperion,

all those, it's on our website, supersquires.com. I'll be on one of those shows. Please, please, please, and then please, you too, if you can,, it's on our website, superschoolers.com. I'll be one of those shows. Please, please, please, and then please you too, if you can, if you're around. Yeah, we love that. So we're just inviting everyone to come because we really love this show. It's a little bit of a step out of different,

it's storytelling and mixed with some of our parenting standup that I just, we love it. We just have to learn it. That's like the craziest thing now. Well, it's fun, it's theatrical. You guys do such a great job. I saw an early incarnation of it. The great thing about those shows too is you don't have to do what. That's like the craziest thing now. Well, it's fun. It's theatrical. You guys do such a great job. I saw an early incarnation of it. The great thing about those shows too,

is you don't have to do what we do in standup. You don't have to go back and go, I need a joke here. Where in this you get to go, no, I just need this to be entertaining or good or compelling versus like only funny. Well, it also teaches you, as we go in our standup, as we move forward with that, you are constantly asking yourself,

what am I trying to say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This isn't just a funny story. It forces you to be like, okay, I have this unbelievable wall-full-out story. Thematically, how does this fit? Where does it go? Yeah, what am I saying about the world?

What am I saying about myself in the world? What do I wanna draw from this? And it might only be a line or two lines or whatever, or you sprinkle it throughout, but it does force you to contextualize all of your comedy, and we love it. It's been a great thing. Also did a week on Night Court, which recently,

which is live, Clean Shevin, Clean Shevin, Clean Shevin. I'm Clean Shevin. For the first time in like, I don't know, four years. So anyway, that was super fun. All right, Catherine, where can people see special? Here we go. Oh, special coming out December 5th. Yeah, baby.

On that free free YouTube. Yeah. Will this be out? This will be out, yeah, so this would have dropped two days ago, yeah. Okay, so the name of the special? Catholic Cowgirl, I Have a Horse on Stage. Oh my God.

Is there anything else you'd like to say? Oh my God! A real horse? No! Where were you? Houston. Okay. I was gonna tape it in Louisville where I'm from. Sure.

And there's a bunch of horse statues there because of Derby stuff. I love Planet of the Tapes. Yeah, that's where one of my first shows was there. Yeah. And then scheduling whatever, it didn't work out, so I had to move it to Houston and I was like, I gotta find another horse because I really want to put a horse on stage. And then scheduling whatever, it didn't work out, so I had to move it to Houston,

and I was like, I gotta find another horse, because I really want to put a horse on stage. Home of Beyonce. So I found a Renaissance horse. Great. Where did you shoot it in? Riot Comedy Club. I love Riot.

Such a great venue. Here was the only issue though, there is a bar downstairs, and there was a big game going on. Oh, gosh, you would hear cheering from time to time. You're like, why is she getting an applause break on the setup? Oh, wow. Oh, amazing. I'm good.

That's so good. Forgive me for not knowing, is this your first special? Yep. Cat Lake Cowgirl, it's on YouTube. You guys can watch it when this drops, because this will drop. Oh, right now. Go watch it, leave it on.

Leave it on all day. Either way, go watch it, give it a thumbs up and a heart. That's how it helps the algorithm and gets more people to watch it. That's what you can do. People follow you and check your tour dates? It's kathenblainford.com. I'm everywhere that there's a 90 seat room.

Yes, I love it. And she's super funny. We just did a show with her and she was great. Super funny. We did a hard show where the crowd was tough and she was amazing. So fun to watch. Are you guys ready for the story?

Story number two, sent in by Liz Haggerty, at Liz Haggerty, confused traveler, mistake strangers home for his Airbnb. Sure, yeah, that has to happen a lot. That's like getting in the wrong Uber, like a car pulls up, will you ever send one out? I've told this story many times, I think, on this show.

Please tell it again. We had had one kid and we were about, my wife was fully pregnant, it was the baby moon for, we were just going away for, or it might have been the first kid. First kid. It was the first kid, so we had, so we didn't have a kid, so it was our baby moon

and we went down to Playa del Carmen to this beautiful place called Ical del Mar. Oh, I remember this. And like, the rooms were their own separate little buildings that with like all this little bungalows with like all this foliage and whatnot and they were not well marked. My wife was like, can you please go get me

something to drink like we didn't have anything in the room, she's like, can you go get it in the middle of the night? So I go out to the front, to the front desk. I'm so tired. I go and I get her water, bubbly water, whatever. Noctus Feral. I was in my Noctus Feral mode.

So I come back and I am walking back, basically sleepwalking back, and I go to open the door and I just open the door to our room and I see a woman who is not my wife just getting nailed. So your wife wanted to have sex with two people? Right, so I'm like, and her ploy was to get you

to go to the front desk for water? So I open the door and I just see a woman who's not my wife and- I need you to paint the picture. Missionary from behind. He's up, she's down. He's up, she's down. Aren't we all? She's up, she's down. He's up, she's down. She's up, she's down.

Wait, are they? She's on her back. Are these Mississippi bodies? Are these LA bodies? We're in the Playa, baby. This is the town we're visiting. Anyone can vacation anywhere. For everybody in my mind,

everybody visiting in Mexico is sexy in my mind. Okay, okay, they're all sexy. I don't know why. So, he was a bigger guy, but like just taller guy, bigger guy, and he is just going at it. And I just stand there for a second and it takes me like a whole, a whole like three beats

to be like, wait, that's not my wife. Wait, that's not me. Like in a talking head song, this is not my wife. Somehow you looked both of them in the eyes. I was like, I'm standing there and I'm just like, wait a minute, this isn't my wife, this isn't my thing. And then I was like, oh, this isn't my room. And I shut the door and I come back and like.

No, the funny thing is, if you had gone, but I do think this is my room. What are you guys doing in my room? So he went and he took a dump. So the rest of the trip, I thought they had seen me. Of course they did not see me because it was dark I thought they had seen me. Of course they did not see me because it was dark and they didn't see me. And I didn't get a good look at their faces.

And there were a couple of couples that looked kind of alike. This is your white lotus. So this is my white lotus. So the whole time we were trying to think who was icing us out to see who was, who knew that you stepped on them. Who knew that I stood and watched. That's so funny.

You never found them. Never found them. I imagine you go, you close the door right and it goes, and then they both go, did you just fart? And he goes, no, did you just fart? And now it's awkward for them. The door shouldn't have opened. That is crazy.

That's also a cool moment for you to find out that watching people have sex isn't a turn on me. It's not my thing. You're just like, oh, I'm not into this. I'm not Jacob Snake Roberts. That's also a cool moment for you to find out that watching people have sex isn't a turn-off for you. It's not my thing. You're just like, oh, I'm not into this. I'm not Jacob Snake Roberts. Eee! All right, anyway.

Well, this takes place in Miami, which for some reason makes it worse to me. Like, Miami, you going to the wrong house, anything can happen. Say hello to my little friend. Yeah, there's somebody in the corner, throwing fireworks. A visitor to South Florida was sound asleep

when he got a rude awakening. He was inside a house he thought he had rented, but it turned out there was a major mix-up. Quote, this is the best possible outcome of breaking into someone's home and spending the night in their bed, said visitor Paul Drexler. Drexler.

CKS, no X. The Drexler. The Glide, Paul the Glide. Drexler. Drexler. CKS, no X. The Drexler. The Glide, Paul the Glide. Drexler. Drexler, no X. D-R-E-C-K-S. Hell yeah. He changed that.

He did something wrong with when he was next. Do you know what the word Drek means in Yiddish? It means shit. It means shit. Yeah, yeah, the Drexler. He's a real Drek. He's a real Drek. This place is just. This is a Miami Goldilocks story. Yeah, yeah's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Drexler. He's a real drek, he's a real drek.

This is a Miami Goldilocks story. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And that coke was just right. Drexler made an honest mistake after spending the night in what he thought was his Airbnb, and it turned out it wasn't. I had accidentally got the address wrong. Of course!

Going from the Airbnb app into Google Maps. The address became the house right next door. Door was open. Yes. He had just arrived in Miami to officiate a friend's wedding. Already a good time guy. How many have you done? How many have you guys done?

We've done two. I've done one. Yeah, yeah. Where were yours at though? Ours was in Pasadena. That was a really fun one. I love that. And then we did another one. I forgot where we did one in

Was it oh in Nashville? You don't even know them. No, no, they were fans. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's awesome Oh my god, you did one where st. Martin st. Martin So I've done one in Milwaukee. Oh nice great time. I'm not a martini I won one in Milwaukee. Oh nice. Great time. I'm not joking. St. Martin of United States. Of Northern United States.

I just got asked to do another one and that is gonna be in Italy. Oh, where? Can't wear. And I don't know the specifics yet. But they told me. They'll fly you out? They go one of the things they wanna do

is they're getting a DJ. But they also are hiring an accompanist saxophone player. I was about to say, that's what they had in St. Martin? Yes, it's the best combo. Dude, DJ with sax, there's nothing that'll ever be there. It's fantastic. Makeup sax. Yes, it's like Tina Turner, you can play like Kygo

and Tina Turner with a sax on the side. And you're like, it's- I recently had a fan email into my show, The Midnight Air, and they were like, you should put on your Patreon that for $5,000 you'll officiate a wedding because it may only happen once or twice, but do you care about 10K? And I was like, I should.

No, Dan, you need to write the book. I feel like here we go, these two. Dan, if you write this book, you'll be asked to officiate 50 weddings a year. Yeah, they want me to write a book. Dan, tell her the name of the book. I'll Dance with Your Aunt how to be the best guest at a wedding.

Right? It has to happen, Dan. You're right, you're not wrong. No, we're gonna make it happen. I know. Only for a small portion of the province. You know I love you. Just kidding.

You're definitely doing the foreword. Okay, so this guy officiates a friend wedding. After a long day of traveling, he got to what he thought was his unlocked room around Anyone a quick guess 1 a.m. Okay 1230 4 p.m. 2 a.m Even following the destructions even following the instructions his Airbnb had left behind quote in the bedroom The bed was made and remember he's in the wrong house

The bed was made and ready to go there were even two clean folded towels waiting for me what so I don't know who does this in their day-to-day life. So this psycho keeps two folded towels on his bed. I don't want a victim blame but that is the number one indicator that you are at an Airbnb. Why was it in the shape of a crane? That's so funny. No construction. A swan. A swan. A swan. A swan. Why were there rose petals with his initials? Why were there mints with his initials? Why were there mints on the pillow? Why am I not in love?

But wouldn't you sort of? The welcome card. Wait, is this someone else's Airbnb that he owns? No, it's someone's house. Their house. Psycho. They're living like they are in Airbnb. Psycho. If I walk in and there are folded towels on the bed,

obviously I am in the wrong place, but that is an indicator that I'm probably in the right place. Correct. For sure. He wanted him to be there. He was waiting for it. The spider called the fly. Why exactly? Why is there a thing that says welcome to the Hilton Honor's program?

Wait, is it, why did, was there a card that gave the wifi code? Right. Why was there a little booklet of fun things to do around the house? Why do I? Can you imagine just walking into the wrong house? Right. But there's nothing indicating that this is a normal man's house.

There's no dog, there's no picture frames of people, there's no crumbs on the counter. There's no food left. Yeah, like a plate of half-eaten chicken wings. This is the owner's fault, this is crazy. If you keep your house like an Airbnb and someone mistakenly walks in, that's on you. So you're victim blaming.

I'm not, I'm not saying. Did you see what the house was wearing? Okay, here you go. And nothing, it had nothing, it was pristine. He fell asleep, woke up the next morning to a very confused homeowner. To wit, I would also go, where was the homeowner? Right. What are you doing? Why are you showing up? Wait, do you know my story? No. My crazy story from when I worked at Jack's. Did I tell you the story on this? I'll be tight with this. I worked at this place called Jack's Jewish Alcoholics, chemically dependent persons and significant others. Thank you. It was a supplementary, they did programs

for people who were in 12-star program. So I was just working there as an assistant, it was our first job so we could do comedy in New York. And I became friends with some of the young people who were in the program. And this one guy was like, hey do you wanna, he was a recovery driver, he was like, do you wanna see fish with me in like Providence, Rhode Island? And I was like, yeah, I'll go see fish with you. That won't be a trigger for you and you'll read that at all.

No, not at all. Well, so this is how dumb I was. So I'm like, yeah, I'll meet you up there because I went up with someone else or somebody and he said, great. And I was like, I have a place for us to stay. Our friend who goes to Brown, she's not gonna be in town and she's letting us stay at her place and all this stuff.

So I'm like, let's go, we're doing it. It's like five girls who are still seniors at Brown. And so we go to the concert and I run into other friends before I meet this guy and they're like, here, smoke this. And I was like, I can't. I'm meeting a guy and they're like, do it. It's light.

And I was like, all right, if it's light, it's not bad. I got so high. I wasn't trying to get high. Then I had to find this guy. Now I have to hang out with him. And he's like freaking out and Jonesing. And I'm like, oh man, I can't even hold a conversation with him.

And then I'm like, let's go get food afterwards. I have to be with this guy while I like come down and become normal again. We get pizza. we go back to our friend's house. I crash up and- No iPhone. I mean, you're just finding the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finding the house, we go into the house, I got the address, we go in, and I crash. I guess he wants to sleep on the couch. I don't know why he's, and he's like a bearded dude with long hair. And I go up and I sleep in one of the rooms and at 7.30 in the morning, there's a scream

and it's one of my friend's roommates who clearly doesn't know that I'm gonna be there, also is not aware that like a bearded man would be laying on their couch and she starts freaking out and freaking out on this guy So like in a matter of like 18 hours, you know, this guy nine reasons to relapse I'm like, I'm never saying yes So Drexler wakes up the next morning to a confused homeowner the The next morning, I get woken up by a knock on the door.

I was surprised the guy even knocked on his own door. No. He goes, hey, can I help you? This is my house. And I'm like, no, this is the Airbnb that I rented. Oh, no? Right. The homeowner then takes out a hatchet.

I'm joking. Ah! Hold on, it's in the library. He goes, no, this is my house, said Drexler. That's what the guy told him. I could have been woken up to an angry homeowner. Things really could have been bad. Do you wanna see what Drexler looks like?

Yes, I do. Give me a Drexler. Aw. It says sweet. Oh god, he's sweet. He also, he truly does look like he changed his name in his look. Like he's had his name changed.

He looks like if he was wearing something different, he could have been January Sexy. That's what I'm saying. The smile helps a lot. He looks like he's January Sexy, not January Sexy. He's January 7th. The smile helps a lot. He's January 7th after some thinking.

Yes. After some reflection. A great woman turned him into an undecided voter. After storm, instead of storming the castle, he just rode his ATV around. You said castle by the way, which is so funny. Storming the castle. That is great.

Well we are in a. He stormed White Castle. He stormed the White Castle. Stormed the White Castle. Instead of storming the White House, he stormed the White Castle. Instead of storming the White House, he stormed a White Castle. He stormed a Capitol Records. The homeowner, also you know he just, this looks like it's gorgeous outside. This is just a backdrop at the Bass Bird shop.

That's where he got this photo taken. All in mills. Yeah. The homeowner showed him out and Drexler found his actual Airbnb next door. In hindsight, now I look back, all the clues were there. This is not the right Airbnb, but at two o'clock your brain is like, this is it, this is the one. I would say the clues were there that you were at the right Airbnb. Yeah, I can't blame you at all.

Shame on this guy. Shame on this guy. Also, put this guy on a list. This guy needs to be on an FBI list. Also you should be having, your house should be an Airbnb. You're already doing nine of the things. That's the list. I feel bad for the newlyweds because you know this now took up 80% of his officiating. Let me tell you guys, sometimes you think

you found the right one. All the signs are there. The bed feels right. But it is until later that you realize what you've been waiting for was right next to you. No! Write the book, Dan. Dan, write the book. It is until later that you realize what you've been waiting for was right next to you. Write the book, Dan. Dan, write the book.

And I decided to look back, all the clues were there. He says, now it's a funny story to tell after spending the night in a stranger's home in Miami, and he lived, he could have come in shooting or could have called the police or a combination of both. He said in an Instagram video, obviously a number of bad things could have happened. The way he reacted was so accommodating to the mistake. He's gonna rate him five stars. It was definitely the best possible outcome

that could have occurred. He said after this experience, he'll double, even triple check the address next time he stays at an Airbnb. I've stayed at hundreds of Airbnbs and never had this happen before. Hundreds, relax. What do you do for a living?

Hundreds. He's an offici do you do for a little hundreds? It's an officiator. Yeah, exactly. He's an official Airbnb. Oh, that's story number two. All right, well we got a little taste. Story number three is, it's a woman getting her revenge on a boyfriend.

Wow, wow, wow. In the most fun way possible, we're all gonna see which side we come on. This is Dumb People Town. Katherine Blanford has a new special, Catholic Cowgirl. It's on YouTube. You're gonna wanna watch it and then send it to friends. We'll be right back. Look, as far as I know, no man wants to lose their hair. I started thinning and losing hair in my late 20s, early 30s, and you know what? You know what mistake I made?

I didn't do anything about it. Life's about options. If I wanted to shave my head, great, but if I wanted to grow my hair out, not so great for Daniel Van Kirk. So don't wait, because the worst thing than losing hair is waiting forever to hope that it grows back. That's why you need hems. You can start seeing your hair grow back in as little as three to six months. It's great. They provide you with a convenient and quality and they give you access to a range of their hair loss treatments

that work all from the comfort of your house, your couch, your chair. Do it laying down on the floor if you want. Hems makes treating hair loss simple with doctor trusted options and clinically proven ingredients like Finistride and Minoxidil that can regrow hair in as little as three to six months. Don't wait around. You got a little spot up there, a little thinning out. You walk into the grocery store, the market, you see yourself up on that

security screen and you're like, oh what's that? Oh hey, and then you run as fast as you can to go get your toilet paper that you kept forgetting to buy and now it's 10 o'clock at night and you're finally going to get toilet paper and then you're reminded that your hair's thinning. You don't got to live like that. The process is simple. It's 100% online. There's no uncomfortable doctor visits. You can choose from personalized chewable, oral, spray, serum treatments. You can find what's best for you. Okay, you answer a few questions and a medical provider will determine if treatment is right for you. If prescribed, your treatment will be sent directly to you in discrete packaging for free. No

insurance is needed and one low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. How about that? Hims has hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers and they can help you get your confidence back too with visibly thicker and fuller hair. Do it. Make sure your life's about options. Start your free online visit today at hims.com slash dpt. That's h-i-m-s dot com slash d-p-t for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Hims dot com slash d-p-t. And listen up, results vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine

if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Hey, listen up everybody. You know what time of year it is? It's what does this person want for Christmas or Hanukkah or their ill-timed December birthday

or your weird anniversary of your weird winter breakfast wedding, okay? But especially the holidays. And then you say to yourself, what can I get them? You should do what I did. I got someone I love, her name is Rosemary Vankirk, a Skylight Frame. And you know what's great about it? If you're watching me on the YouTube right now, you know I'm not even looking at any script. This is what's great about it. Rosemary sits there, and this Skylight frame pulls up every memory she gets sent, and not just from me, from every other member of our family. And you know what else is awesome? Skylight sends me a little message after like maybe a couple weeks, it says, hey, you haven't sent any photos

to Rosemary in a while, and that reminds me to stay connected to her, and that allows her to feel connected to me, and sometimes she'll call me, or she'll text me, and she'll say, I just saw that photo. Do you know how good it feels to make Rosemary Vankirk feel loved? This is a no brainer of an awesome gift. I say that, I would tell you that at a bar in Chicago, not just on this podcast. Skylight Frame is legit and easy. And I mean this, a lot of people say this about stuff and they don't mean it. I mean this.

It is literally a gift that keeps on giving. It keeps giving to, in my case, my grandmother. I love it. Well, if you haven't figured it out, Skylight Frame is a touchscreen digital photo frame that your whole family will love. You can upload thousands of photos with your phone and watch them appear in seconds. You can even set up albums. So like around this time of the year, it would just rotate through in my case decades of

family holiday photos and Then after the holidays are over new year new album and just run it through everything throughout the whole year The app is super easy to use that I don't even know if that's copy on here. I'm just telling you that. Here, I'll read some of the stuff they want me to tell you. But I mean, come on. It's easy to use, takes less than 60 seconds, seamless sharing. The touchscreen is game changer. It even says up there, you have new photos. You can favorite photos or rosemary can. It's a little, they call it a little heart button. It says, then you get a thank you back to you saying,

they liked it. There's two sizes to choose from. The original 10 inch or the larger 15 inch gallery frame. They look perfect in any room. They can stand on their own or you can mount them on a wall. It's better than social media. It's a great private way to share photos without posting it to the world or having to go down to a store and then try to print stuff and that person's never

like handled the printer before. It just it's a great gift that's meaningful and it's personalized. I think you're gonna love it. Guess what else? They offer 120 day returns. They're a top rated brand over a million happy customers. Thousands of five-star reviews available in over 30 countries recommended by The Today Show, Forbes, New York Magazine, and Daniel Van Kirk and Rosemary Van Kirk too. We should send this ad to Skylight Frame to go here's what it's like

when someone loves your product. Alright, so you get a special offer. Listen up, I'm going to make it even easier for you to make somebody's holidays happy. It's just for townies. You get $20 off your purchase of skylight frame. When you go to skylightframe.com slash D P T that's S K Y L I G H T F R A M E.com slash D P T get $20 off your purchase.

Now at skylightframe.com slash D P T this show is sponsored by better help townies. It's nesting season. Okay. You want to curl up and you're big sectional or you're probably I'm assuming we got a lot of papazan chair owners. You want to have a little warm comfort time for yourself. And then you go, Oh, this is so good. But then eventually you got to get out of that blanket.

Right? You got to go do something. Life goes on. Better help is sort of like that blanket that you get to put around yourself, but you can have much longer lasting effects of feeling good, feeling happy, giving yourself some comfort. I am a big proponent of therapy. I'm a big proponent of, for me, it's helped me deal with recognizing and processing grief,

but it's also really helped me recognize and process the need to be a more excited person in my personal life. Sometimes I struggle with that. I have no problem telling you that because going to therapy has also made me realize it's okay to not be this, you know, this idea of perfect.

And knowing these things about myself, like that I just listed, that gives me true comfort. Therapy, having a place and a professional that you can speak to about your lives downs but also your ups, about your blind spots and things you've been trying to see is wonderful. And BetterHelp is phenomenal for bringing all of those positive actions and seeing those things and realizing things and celebrating things, they're great. They're just great for that.

So if you're thinking of starting therapy, I implore you, give BetterHelp a try, especially this time of year because you know on the other side of all that stuff in the car, there's a lot of times where some people maybe find themselves being a little lonely. And that's really healthy to

process too, because it's okay to feel lonely. It's just not okay to stay that way emotionally. Right? So if you're thinking of starting therapy, I'm gonna say one more time, give better help a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, suited to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and then you get matched with a licensed therapist. And I always say this because relationships are so important to me. Everything I do in my career is a collaboration and that's why you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit

betterhelp.com slash DPT to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp h-e-l-p.com slash DPT. Stick around, make a sound, there's more to people's town. Hey gang, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into story number three, Daniel, let people know how they can see you and all that stuff.

Sure, follow me at Daniel Van Kirk. Everything is up at DanielVanKirk.com. You can watch Wine Club this holiday season with your family. There is some slight full frontal nudity, but I hate to disappoint you, it isn't mine. That is over at my OnlyFans. And then, what else?

Oh, watch Rose Gold, if you haven't done that. Share that around. That is great for the whole family. Totally, so cool. And then, the lesson I'll say is, oh, Overshare comedy is the first Wednesday of every month. We will not be doing it.

No, not yet. Oh, you gotta do it. It's really fun. You should see me in a green room. It's a great, well that's the best thing. She's the best. We've got to get her to talk. Audience members write down overshares from their own life.

We then take those overshares, put them on the wall in the green room, and comics, a little bit different from when you guys did it, the comics first come first serve, pick whichever one or two overshares they wanna start their set with and then go into their own materials. Well, it's an awesome show.

It won't be happening January 1st because that's January 1st, but every other month, the first Wednesday of the month, and then listen to my podcast, The Midnight Air, right here on All Things Comic. All right, shall we jump into this right here? This is sent in by Elise LeBlanc again. She's got a two-slip.

Double tip, one episode. Bookending it, and we started with a library story. All right, you ready jump into this right here? This is sent in by Elise LeBlanc again. She's got a two-story. Double tip. One app. Book ending it, and we started with a library story. All right, you ready? Here's the headline. Minnesota woman floors gas pedal, Rams boyfriend into windshield, on way to couples therapy.

We're not bringing this up. We're not gonna talk about this. You can't talk about anything that happened today. Tell me about your week. She's the therapist. Right, exactly. Somebody else's therapist. Tell me about your week. Here's the best thing Right, exactly. Yes. Somebody else's therapist.

Tell me about your week. Here's the best thing, Minnesota woman. A Minnesota woman, she's so nice. Oh, Christ. Oh, I'm not gonna. Oh, jeez, I'm gonna floor it. I'm gonna floor it. You better move.

All the crimes are whoopsie days. Whoopsie days. See, see. I'm just gonna drive right over you there. Yeah, oh, yeah. Little speed bump. Minnesota woman is facing charges after the police said. I told Glenn to move.

She rammed her car into her boyfriend on the way to therapy following a day of arguing. I mean. A day. If she. Maybe a year. If you are arguing with her, do not walk in front of the car that she's sitting in. Also, if you feel the urge to run over somebody, you shouldn't. It's over.

That's the end of the relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like. Ah! She's maybe not sure about that. You're like, I can still change it. If you, I mean, drive over him. Let me change that. If you act on the urge to drive over somebody, if you act on it.

Yeah, contemplating's different. We all have thought that, there have been things. I'm honestly never, I'm like, I don't think we need therapy until I run you over. That's right. Okay, now it's time for our stuff. I will admit we need to talk. Now we've got something to talk about. It's such an expensive, you've got to justify the price.

This is the Bonnie Raitt song. Right. Let's give them something to talk about. I call this therapy. It's like, how about love? Remember John Caminara's bit of the guy who shot his wife in the head? Yeah. A bullet in the neck? Got a bullet in the neck.

Yeah, it's like now you can't win an argument ever again with this dude. She's like, I think you're staying out too late. And he's like, oh, what are you gonna do? Run me over with your car? Yeah, he goes, I think I still have tire marks on my shoulder. Is that what you think?

Hang on, let me see how I feel underneath your car. Actually, it was on the hood. It's a real tete-a-tete to stay in front of someone's car that's gonna drive you over. Oh my God. Because it means both people don't believe in the commitment of the other person. Yeah, they're sharing it each other.

It's definitely a do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hands on the hood, eye contact. I'm gonna do it. And a little bit of him was pumped when she did it because he was like, I win, I win, I win. Now I win, now I hold the relationship capital. Yes. I hold more than you do. Yes, I win, I win. Now I win, now I win. Now I hold the relationship capital. Yes.

I hold more than you do. Yes, as he's bleeding out. According to a police affidavit obtained by law and crime. You got this. Veronica. Okay. Uh, Roline. Was there an F in there?

No. Veronica Roline. Roline, Roline, Roline. Gast is facing charges of second degree assault and criminal vehicular operation of bodily harm, gross negligence, and domestic assault. The incident happened Wednesday when Gassed drove with her boyfriend to therapy session

to work on their relationship. Her name is Gassed. I mean, this is what I'm saying too. It's Gassed. Oh, okay. Which, she Gassed the car up. Yeah, a little bit, yeah. GST.

While in the car, the boyfriend decided to break up and asked Gast to then take him home. You gotta break up on the way out the door. Wait, they're in the car. And somehow he's gonna end up in front of this car getting run over. Instead, Gast allegedly stopped the car in the middle of the road and ordered him to get out.

The victim exited, walked to the front of the vehicle, heading for the sidewalk as he passed in front of the car, gas locked eyes with him, and accelerated trying to run him over the evidence. This is like Pulp Fiction. The boyfriend, exactly, rolled over the hood and smashed into the windshield, shattering it. He suffered a laceration to his right elbow.

Okay. Big deal. Remember that video, that little vine? I'm gonna say something. it do it say it say it I'm I don't I don't care that you broke your elbow Defendant I'm gonna say it I was like, I don't care that you broke your elbow One thing that no one ever you can like we really we didn't know how good we had it when vine was Almost every capacity of life.

It was such a better world. What's that in your hand? A knife, no! Anyway, the defendant admitted that she was pulling away. That as she was pulling away, she hit the victim with her vehicle. As she was pulling away. Pulling away means backing up.

That's not, I'm pulling away. That's like the guy who's like, I don't mean to make you pregnant. I was pulling out, I stayed in, it went forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were out of my life. I couldn't see you anymore. I was still in, but you were out of my life. Slow down, and the defendant said she slowed down

and stopped to call the police on herself. Wow, the defendant. You know he said something under his breath when he got out. And she was like, what? And he shut the door. She goes, what was that? Yes.

Over bit. Yes. But with the car. What was that? I'm gonna start dating your best friend. Look, your honor, the front of my car said, what did you say? Uh-huh.

No, the front of my car said, excuse me? So the defendant said that she was in shock at hitting the victim so she did not stop right away but let off the gas, gassed, let off the gas. Gas told officers the windshield crack wasn't caused by his body but by him punching it. It's unclear whether gas sustained any injuries. This is a woman, I'll tell you this,

who's been to therapy and knows how to flip the story. That's right! She flipped it! She flipped it like he flipped on the hood! She flipped it on him. The police report said the couple had been dating for how long? Oh. How long have they been dating?

This is an incredibly shorter wait. How long? Two weeks. You're a guest. Four months. Four months, what do you think? Two and a half years. Jay?

Four years. Two and a half years, three kids. Nah, get your answers in, Townies. And I'll ask you this, were they living together, yes or no? Yes. Yeah, 100%. No, okay.

Get your answers in, Townies, because they had been dating for about a year. Okay. And they lived together. Now we're gonna get out of here on this. How old is Veronica? Veronica. Veronica.

Veronica. Veronica. Veronica, Rol- Veronica Rolene Gast. How old is she? I'm going just based off of her name. There's no baby named in the 2000s named Veronica. So I'm going- Correct, she's older than 24.

Okay, so I'm gonna go- And that's Veronica's secret. Veronica! 56. 56. 56. Whoa. Veronica Closet. No, no, no, what do you think?

I'm gonna go 26. Okay, 38. Get your answers in, townies. We'll get out of here on this. Catholic cowgirl, that's the special. Everyone go check it out. Rose Gold, Wine Club. You're holiday watching, okay?

Come see us in LA. The show's called The Bourne Identity. We took the pun and undid it. And undid the pun, B-O-R-N. That's our thing. And if you don't see it there, you can see it at Sketch Fest in San Francisco on February 1st.

Superstar stuff. Come tag on the fifth. We love you guys. Love all of you. Thank you, Aaron, for getting this done. All right. Veronica Rowling-Gast is, you said 56, you said 26, you said 38, is 30 years old. Oh!

Nice! Have a good one everybody, we love you and oh snap, we gotta get back to work! Peace! Ah! Stick around, make a sound, there's more to PeopleTown!