Dumb People Town - Lucas Brothers - Romanda Rights

Episode Date: January 15, 2019

This week, Kenny and Keith Lucas visit Dumb People Town! Story 1 is the tale of an unexpected party. Story 2 brings us an unruly woman who refuse to leave a porch, and Story 3 is an ash-burglary.To hear an extended interview with the Lucas Brothers that runs the gamut from rat insurance to R. Kelly, plus the full back catalog of ad-free episodes, ad-free new episodes, AND multiple bonus/extended episodes every month, make sure to sign up for Stitcher Premium at StitcherPremium.com!  Plus, for a free month, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code STARBURNS!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Lucas. The Lucas Brothers Dudes It is so nice To have you here It's always a treat When you're on the west coast Yes We don't see you often

But whenever we do I just feel good It's twin magic man This is magic I'm gonna say Let's leave Dan out for a while It's people magic It's people magic

You're right I feel like Even if we Even if we I'm gonna say this Cause we've hung a little bit But even if we weren't twins Even'm going to say this because we've hung a little bit but even if we weren't twins even if we weren't comics

if we were just people who kind of knew similar people and met at a party or dinner or whatever like that I feel like we would gravitate to each other I think it would be cool yeah we like similar things

yeah totally and you dudes are like two of the nicest guys out there period in addition to being really funny guys and what not and I love that you guys are doing I was looking at your dates you got a lot of cool dates coming up You dudes are like two of the nicest guys out there, period, in addition to being really funny guys and whatnot.

And I love that you guys are doing it. I was looking at your dates. You got a lot of cool dates coming up. Bell House show, which was one of our favorite live Dumb People Towns ever at the Bell House. Oh, you guys did that? We did a live Dumb People Town at the Bell House, sold it out. It was so great. That's awesome.

We're going to do another one this fall, I believe, there. I think maybe October or something like that. At Bell House? Yeah. But you guys are there January when? 25th. 25th. January 25th, yeah. All right. If you guys are there January when? 25th. 25th.

25th, yeah. All right. If you're in Brooklyn, let's sell this out, man. You love these guys and check them out. Great stand-ups, great dudes who understand it and analytical in a great way. And we all know, I mean, this is our feeling, and we talk about this on this podcast, we do think the world is getting dumber. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Like, since we've been, like, the more awoke that, like, a section of society gets, the more we're awoke to how dumb the world is. Yeah yeah. Oh yeah. Like since we've been like the more awoke that like a section of society gets the more we're awoke to how dumb the world is. Yeah. Is it that the world's getting dumber or that we're getting exposed to more dumb people? Maybe. More aware. More aware. I would say it's never been more okay to be dumb. To be ignorant about something and people are like yeah who cares?

Whereas like 20 years ago people were like you should know about that. Or dumb people would say things like or dumb people would keep their opinions to themselves because they're like, I shouldn't. I don't know anything about this. Why should I talk? But now there's no governance. There's no. You can tweet your dumb thoughts.

Speak your dumb thoughts. Don't let information get in the way of a good opinion. We'll get into that a little bit later. But I do want to, we basically get these great dumb stories sent to us by our awesome fans. Dan gets them, and we've never heard them. So let's jump into a story right away, shall we? Let's do it. I love it.

This was sent in by one of our best friends in the town, Catherine Tuck. She's so good. Catherine Lorna. Good Man for Lorna. A Montreal couple returned home after a recent evening out to discover their apartment filled

with strangers having a party, drinking their alcohol, eating their food, and trashing their place. This is not an 80s comedy. But it should be Kenny, Keith. I feel like you guys, if that happened to you, I think you

initially both would join the party. That sounds like the hood to me, man. Thank you. That happened every day in the hood. That was Tuesday. I realized before I got in the living room, we had already lost the deposit.

Fuck it, man. Leave the door open. No, but I feel like you guys would be like, did we have this? Did you? Did we plan this? There's like a moment where you look at each other and you're like, did I? I'm like so high right now, there's no way that I can remember. It's totally possible. Yeah, yeah.

It is like, fuck it, man. Let's do it. But you know that feeling when you are coming home from a trip or vacation, and you've either, like, you didn't eat when it made sense far away, so you've already kind of planned out your first ten minutes of like, oh, what's in the fridge? Am I just going to say fuck it and order a pizza? I'm going to shower first. I'm just going to relax.

Hey, this is why we left an hour and a half early this morning, so we could get here. You already turned on the nest to make sure that the heat is where it needs to be. From your phone on the way in. But they're telling your husband or your girlfriend or whatever, you're like, okay, as soon as we get in, you drop the bags. I'll turn the oven on. I'll call the stuff so that after you take a shower,

the food will be on its way. And then it's just some random niggas there. But there's a moment if you walk into your house and you see a full party going, and it seems like a good party where you're like, you do this check in your brain. Is it harder to stop this party or just let it play itself out? When I saw this, I did, like I wanted to ask, and I would love if you guys want to ask yourselves, what would be your first reaction? First reaction is, what the fuck?

Get out of my house. So you're coming in yelling. I'm like, what is going on? Who is this? I don't know if I'm yelling, man. It depends on who's throwing a party. If it's Al Capone throwing a party, some gangster, you're like, all right, maybe. Maybe be a little bit nicer about it. Or if it's Diddy throwing a party, Yeah, that's right. Some gangster, you're like, all right, maybe we should do that. Be a little bit nicer about it.

Or if it diddy throwing a party, maybe you join in. I think I would intensely but calmly first so that I can figure it out, find out who orchestrated it.

Like, hey, who's Who's part is this? Who decided to throw the party? But like, my right hand is doing a very like wavy like motion while I'm talking but my left hand is clenched. I'm like, I just want to know who set it up.

I just want to thank whoever's party this is. And then once I found out who that person was, then the can gets open. How did they get into the place? There we go. Let's get into it. The couple's apartment not far from the, how would you say this in Montreal? J-A-R-R-Y. Yari?

Yari. Yari Metro Station in the Villaree St. Michael Park Extension Borough. It does not feel like Montreal. You guys have been to Montreal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the weirdest thing about being in Montreal is I remember sitting outside having dinner, and it was like 5.30 on a Thursday. So rush hour traffic,

packed, cars every which way. Nobody honked. Nope. It's the quietest, nicest city. And when you live in New York, it could be two in the morning and no one on the road and some cabbie's honking at nothing.

Bitch, move! And you're like, there's no one there. You're all alone. You are alone on this five lane street. He sees someone like three streets ahead

who's at the stoplight who maybe took a little long. He's like, go! He's preempting his bunk. The year that I was in Montreal was the most fun. And it was some of this chaos with like kindness as well.

Because, and maybe this happens more than just that time, but it was the year that the hotel that they put everyone up in went on strike. Oh, yeah. And so they were having a party protest outside. This was like 2013 or 14?

Yeah. So then all of the... It might have been 12. Oh, yeah. All of the people who aren't part of the union but are employees of the hotel had to take over. So sales was in charge of housekeeping and bartending. And do you remember?

None of it. The worst thing you can do is tell a building full of comics that there aren't rules. Oh, my God. Some people were trying to close the bar, but other people were like, no, I think we're staying open. No one knew. Yeah.

That sounds like it. And then Tom Segura. No. Who was it? Kurt Brongler showed up because they didn't have food. They couldn't make any food at the hotel. So he just ordered all these pizzas to the hotel bar. It was insane.

But also, everyone was very nice. And no one was angry about it. No. Crazy. So this doesn't feel like. So this sounds like a Toronto story. Sure it wasn't Toronto? Dude, this is very...

That's some Vancouver shit, y'all. Well, sadly, their place had been thoroughly rummaged through and thousands of dollars in valuables were stored. When I stepped in, this is a quote. Is this a thievery party? Adam Mongrain. This is what he told CBC Montreal's Daybreak. Quote, when I stepped in, there were about 12 people partying in my place, total strangers, nobody who I have ever seen before.

Wow. Wouldn't you also like, this is not my home? You start thinking you're going nuts like vanilla sky shit. What the fuck is that? Right. Did I do this wrong? I'm in the wrong place. I have to be in the wrong place.

Is this a sliding doors thing? I'm like in a different universe? Yeah, it was completely surreal to step into my home and find people I didn't know there. I didn't know what to do. He asked the first person he locked eyes with, which means he waited for someone to catch his eyes. Just dancing, dancing, and then whoa. Trying to move on the same beat to catch their eyes. Person's closing his eyes, just getting into it.

Stop it. Stop it. He asked the first person he locked eyes with for an explanation. Mongrain was told the group had reserved the apartment through Booking.com, a website that allows users to find deals on hotels and short-term rentals. So somebody must have mistyped in Booking.com the number, like what apartment number? Possible. Or an at-home address, because I think this is an apartment.

Or this is just a great excuse for them to rob this place. But they don't have a key. Yeah. Unless it's so Canadian they just left their doors unlocked. Oh, nothing's going to happen. These doors are open. We'll be back in a week. Well, what if this is what happened?

12 people I don't know are going to throw a party and steal my shit? Well, that's unlikely in happen. The door is open. We'll be back in a week. What is going to happen? 12 people I don't know are going to throw a party and steal my shit? That's unlikely of much. Come on, guys. I'm blaming it on booking.com? Come on. This is my mom and grandma. My mom and grandma always said we had to clean the house before we went on vacation. It's obviously in case someone has a party.

You want the place to look good for that. While an apartment on the building's lower level is available for short-term rental and managed by the landlord, Mongrain's is not. He explained this to the unwanted guests and told them to leave. He's like, guys, guys, just turn it down for us. You can keep it at a low. What I'm trying to say is that there is an apartment you could have been in. This isn't the one.

Let's move it downstairs. Let's just go downstairs, guys. I hope you didn't steal $1,000 worth of my stuff. You ready for the most Canadians part of this story? She apologized. So, Mongrain tells everybody, that's Adam, Adam Mongrain, tells everybody, you are in the wrong place. Get out.

Here's the next sentence. But they didn't argue or question the order to get out. They simply gathered their coats and began leaving in an unhurried, orderly fashion. Montreal, baby. All I could think of was that scene from the end of Weird Science. They're like, you have a beautiful home. Remember when the biker gang leaves? Like, beautiful home.

Sorry about that. Sorry about that. I was losing hope in Montreal. I thought that it was going to end poorly. No, it ended the Montreal way. In the most Montreal way. Now, two weeks later, Adam Mongrain and his wife are still trying to understand what happened. That's two weeks of every day.

You want coffee? No, I want to know what's going on. He doesn't know how the strangers got into his place and is worried it could happen again. Of course. I mean, I understand the feeling of like, I'm afraid I'm going to get mugged. He's afraid a spontaneous party is going to happen in his house again. And kid and play might show up. That's right, man. What if this is like Canadian improv everywhere?

You know what I mean? They just showed up and did their thing. Flash mob. It's a flash mob. Mongrain, this is the story, said he and his wife returned home around 2 a.m. on November 10th when they found their apartment filled with not just people, but with

marijuana and tobacco smoke and a usually smoke-free home. Guys, you smoked? No, I understand you stole all our jewelry, but you smoked? I feel like they would have let them. They didn't even say it was like they said a usually smoke-free home. That's true as well. They blaze up once in a while.

Prior 420 friendly, but. Right. But we're usually. Yeah, that's their craigslist. 420 friendly-ish. Ish. Sometimes. If it was just weed, I feel like they would have been cool with it.

Yeah. Depends on how much weed. Right. Cigarette smoke gets in the drinks. Yeah. True, true, true. Cigarette smoke is the worst. The worst.

They said there was also the smell of cooking food in the air as a man was busy at their stove. Busy. Some guy went fucking pop-up restaurant. Throwing it down? At this party. He's like, hey, this house is ready. I'm going to start cooking. Who wants deviled eggs?

Did he go through the refrigerator and just make up something? Oh, my God. And as he's cooking to no one, did I ever tell you guys I was almost on top, chef? No, you didn't. Yeah, you tell us every day, David, just wearing an apron. Nothing else. Balls out. Quote, it's been two weeks weeks and it still doesn't make sense whenever

I think about it because they had ordered pizza and they didn't touch it, Mongrade said. It was still intact when we walked in and one of the men was cooking macaroni. Macaroni's not an upgrade for pizza. It's not.

I wonder what kind. Was it Kraft's? What kind of macaroni was it? If it's in my for pizza it's not it's not I wonder what kind was it crafts what kind of macaroni was it if it's in my heart it's craft spirals if it's Canada it's craft dinner

they call it craft dinner oh yeah the other thing too is like I feel bad when this happens to normal people but if you're a comic and this happens to you

as everyone's living I'm like thank you for the new 35 thank you for the new 35 that's an hour that's my new bit. That's an hour. That's what we say.

You either want something horrible to happen to you, great to happen to you. You don't want a medium thing. It's a full hour. You call the album Accidental Party. Just this. Just this. That's great. The people were hanging out laughing and joking, enjoying all the snacks and alcohol they could find in my place.

Of course, man. It's a party, man. All laid out on the living room table. Jesus. Quote, it's hard to convey the extent to which the place was trashed, she said. In total, two laptops, two passports, and jewelry were stolen. Those passports would keep me up. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Going to Monterey. As was clothing, perfume, watches, and booze. So now I kind of hate these people. Yeah, I know, I know. If they just would have come to party, then you can kind of be like, all right, we'll get the place cleaned

or we'll call our insurance company. But you kick them out, though, and you don't know how to get them. Or you fake party with them, excuse yourself to the bathroom, call 911, bring back down, party. Maybe not 911. I don't know what it is in Montreal.

But whatever the equivalent is it's just 911 it's just 9 but then they it's actually dinner 911 dinner 911 and then you

but then you when they show up you pick the person who you think is the looks the most like Cobo

and be like why'd you call the cops man like you turn it on them the dude at the stove yeah The dude at the stove. We didn't eat macaroni, we had pizza. What are you guys thinking? You know what he's doing? He's cooking up the cops.

Jeez. They even stole my wife's daughter's cash. I hope that the girl is both of their kids, but he's mad at her, so he's like, well, my wife's daughter. Like, that's your daughter, too. If she was my daughter, I would have told her to put it in the bag. And I did tell her to put it in the bag.

So right now she's my wife. She's not my daughter. She's my wife's daughter. Or maybe he's angry at her because she left the door open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who left the door open? We keep finding things that are missing, Adam said, estimating the total taken to be worth about $6,000.

Wow. As soon as they returned home on November 10th, they noticed one of their laptops wasn't on the table where they had left it. The couple asked the unwelcome guest to return the missing device as they were leaving the apartment, but it was not returned. So that person probably already left. Just one dude with a gigantic coat. Feeling outnumbered, which means Adam did size up fighting all these people.

Feeling outnumbered, they opted to call their landlord rather than pick a fight. They asked her to forward all the information about her most recent short-term renters as they called the police to file a report. Montreal police aren't providing any details at this point, but they told CBC the case is under investigation. Thank God we were insured, which I will take this moment to remind everyone, get renters insured. It's like $5 a month.

He's been in Montreal. It's like $5 a month. It's like $5 a month. It can even cover your car being broken into and something stolen from that. Even if you're not at home. Yeah, my bike was just stolen. Sorry about that. I've gone through it so many times. In the hood, they just steal your bike whenever they want to.

And then you go on Craigslist and buy someone else's stolen bike. There you go. It's like an umbrella. We're all just using the same... There's 100 umbrellas in this city. We're all just passing them around. The hood's been doing the bird's ear thing long before everybody else.

It's like, pick that up over there, I'll take it over here, and then someone else will get it. I don't even need an app to turn this one on. Thank God we were insured, said Mongrain, noting the insurance company even helped with the cleaning, a process he explained

that was too emotionally difficult for himself. The professional cleaning bill came out too. And I'm going to ask you guys, how much money do you think it costs to clean this apartment? Coming to you with an overview

to find out how much damage did they do? Gentlemen, you are our guests. You have the option to go first, Tig, which is second, third, or fourth. I'll go first. I'll say $4,000. Wow. Okay. All right.

Canadian, that's $20. No, I was going to say $7,000. Gentlemen, I am not the best yet at telling you apart. I'm Kenny. Kenny says $4,000. Keith said $7,000. He said $7,000. Randy or Jason?

I think $900. That's a lot of money to clean. $2,700. $2,700. I don't think it was such a round number, but that's a lot of money. Not as much as what was stolen, but I think $2700. Six grand stolen. I will tell you that they said that you got your answers in.

The couch had splashed soda on it. Walls needed to be cleaned. There were cigarette butts and ash everywhere. In a statement provided to CBC Montreal Wednesday, Booking.com said it encourages people to make official complaints to police in cases where unlawful behavior takes place and they're doing their best to take care of this situation.

Okay, the amount of money that it took to clean this apartment after this party was, give me a run down here one more time. I said $900. Jay said $4,000. $7,000. He said $7,000 and Jay says $2,700. Okay, the total amount cost. Townies, get your He said $7,000 and Jay says $2,700. The total amount cost. Townies, get your answers in and play along with us wherever you are

because it cost them to clean this apartment $3,500. Yes, sir. Close. Kenny. Kenny, nice work, sir. I'm good at cleaning, guys. I'm good at estimates. You're good at estimates, dude. You're good at assessing a situation. I'm good at assessing a guys. I'm good at estimates. You're good at estimates, dude.

You're good at assessing a situation. I love it. Is that story one down in the books? Story one down in the books. When we come back a little more with the Lucas Brothers, we'll hear what they've got going on. And more stories. This is Dumb People Town.

Stay with us. Stick around. Lucas Town. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. If you want access to the full back catalog of ad-free Dumb People Town episodes, that's ad-free and bonus content. Bonus content, too. Every month, make sure to sign up for Stitcher Premium at stitcherpremium.com.

Plus, for a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use the promo code STARBIRDS. It's worth trying it, you guys. Check it out. And again, you can hear ad-free new episodes every week, plus our entire archive ad-free. Only on Stitcher Premium for a free month of Stitcher Premium. Again, go to StitcherPremium.com and use the promo code STARBIRDS.

We're trying to figure out easy, fun ways for you guys to get all this stuff. Again, stitcherpremium.com. Use the promo code STARBURNS. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. We got the Lucas Bros here. If you have not seen their special on Netflix,

do that now. Like, go watch. You guys had a great time doing that. And you guys are building, I'm sure, the next hour. The next one, yes. What it is. You go on that next

sort of journey to go do that. And you guys have some great dates coming up. As we mentioned before, you guys will be at the Bell House on the 25th of January.

But you're going to be in Denver Comedy Works, which is a great place. I know you're going to be in Austin. We're going to be in Austin. We're going to be in Moon Tower. We'll be in Moon Tower.

So we'll hang out there. So we'll do our thing there. That's going to be a blast. And just great stuff. Guys, let's get into another story. Hey, should we read some names real quick? Let's read some names. Again, we are working on the transfer over as we're sort of figuring out the logistics of getting transferred

over from Drip to Patreon. I would say if there's something on the trip page that you love, grab it because, uh, I don't know how long it's going to take to get all the content, but we're going to get everybody switched over there. Some stuff might not get carried over. You've already,

it's already been given to you. So make sure you take it, take it and enjoy it. Yeah. Just know that it will be no work on your part. That'll be us on our end. Making it smooth. We might be adding the element of video.

Yeah. We might be upgrading what you're getting every single week in terms of your own little bonus show. So it's like a bonus video as well. All right, so I want to thank some of these people who have been giving stuff in. Alexandra Hadley. I am not thanking her.

That's Hadley. Excuse me, Alexandria. Alexandria. Alexandria Hadley. Alexandria Hadley. That's poetic. Is she on Downton Abbey? Yeah, like the friend of the friend in a Charles Dickens book.

She works both upstairs and downstairs. I want to take you by surprise and make you realize, Amanda. That's a nice one. Just Amanda. Just Amanda. How about Molly Oscarlees? Oscarlees. Oscarlees.

That is, what a great name. That's like the name of a fleece jacket. Lice. Go out. It's very cold today. It's deceptively cold. Do you have your Oscar Lise? I do.

Put it on. It's like a vest with sleeves. Ready for this one? Yeah, do it, Dan. Jarek de Mulling. Jarek de Mulling. Is it time to start the Jarek de Mulling? Let's start it right now.

Ryan Cates. Common spelling on Jarek. Yeah, Jarek. Let's start it right now. Ryan Cates. Common spelling on Jarek. Yeah, Jarek. Just one R. One R. Ryan Cates. How about Missy Rae Swanson? Missy Rae Swanson.

I would buy that album. I mean, just a country singer who just breaks it all down. Missy Rae Swanson, coal miner's sister. How about Christy Slattery? Loved her on Mad Men. Loved her on Mad Men. Don't you dare. Ashley, I'm going to try it. Dan, I don't want you to try it.

I don't want you to hurt you. Where would you go? D-R-E-U-T-Z-E-R. Dreutzer? That sounds like the name of a very specific drill that you use. I can't get in there. You've got to use the Dreutzer. I guarantee, however you say this next name,

I was going to read it different. Okay. I'll tell you if it was the same. It's Jeff Toey. See? You were going to say Towie? Yeah. I think it's Toey.

Toey. Jeff Toey is somebody who he is all over our Twitter page and constantly participates in everything and we really appreciate it. I think it goes under DJ Toey. Are we going to disagree

on the next one? I say Tanya Booker. Dan, next one? I say Tanya Booker Dan, were you going to say Tanya Booker? No, I was going to say Tanya Booker Tanya Booker Tanya Booker How about Kelly? Kelly, Kelly, Kelly

Thank you This is great This next one Jason Freshwater You can only take him to certain Lotties of water Lakes and rivers He cannot go to the ocean

Every time I hear someone's name like that Dude, it's a baby wheel Jay It's okay Jason Freshwater What if that's. Dude, it's a baby wheel, Jay. It's okay. Jason Freshwater. What if that's Jay? Jay! It's a baby wheel. It's a baby wheel, Jay. I always wonder, there's some historical

Ellis Island tie-in to that. When your name is just like a thing. It was Freshwaterstein and he shortened it? Yeah, exactly. Here's the thing. How much do you want this guy to be the Jay that they're talking about? Dan, how are you going to pronounce this next one? Rune. Yeah, I would have done the same. Is it Rune Aldridge? Rune.

Thank you, Rune. How about John C. Stallone? I mean. The John C. Reilly of the page? You're going to ignore the Stallone part? Oh yeah, Stallone. Oh yeah, that's the biggest part of all. He's in between. In rank of importance, he's above Frank. Only to be topped by John Ty Grubbs.

I love JTG. JT topped by John Ty Grubbs. I love JTG. JTG. John Ty Grubbs and JCS and JTG rounded out. Thank you specifically, John Ty Grubbs and John C. Stallone, Kelly and Tanya Booker. You guys are awesome. Everybody on this list is awesome. Thank you for contributing. We hope we're giving you fun, extra content.

And there's going to be new stuff coming, new video stuff. So look for that as we make the Patreon switch, guys, and let's get back to the show. Alright, thank you. I love all of you. Alright, here we go. Ready? Let's do it. Jump in. Sent in by Robert Smirkansky. Smirkansky. That's like a Chicago cap.

Austin. Town. Ohio. For a second, we're like, Austin? Good city. Town. Where are we? Ohio. Oh, Ohio. For a second, we're like, Austin, good city. Town, where are we? Ohio. Oh, shit. Shit's going down.

Love you, Ohio. We went on such a roller coaster. Austin Town police say they arrested two people early Monday morning after a short car chase and a struggle with officers. Officers said they found a running car sitting in the middle of the road on 1st Street just after 4 a.m. on Monday. Nothing about that can be good. Nope. A running car in the middle of the night

even parked, if there's no other cars around, you're at least going to get a look. But if you're in the middle of the street just not moving, middle of the car 4 a.m. Running. That's terrifying. Our dad back in the day would always take us to show houses and stuff. Because he used to have a second job.

Second job. He had real estate. And he would show the house and would leave the car on with the Cardinals game on so we could listen to it. We'd be sitting in the backseat of the car with the car running. Wow. It was like, to pedophiles, these are yours. Take them.

Open seat. He had a Monte Carlo that the door was really heavy and most pedophiles were so weak they couldn't open that door. He was like, we're good. We're good. We're fine. The door's in the turn. When the police cruiser turned onto First Street, officers said the car sped off, causing the front tires to spin

out of control. That is an old cop who's about to retire that thinks that part matters. Tires! Spot out! 4 AM spinning tires! Take it easy, Dave. It's all right, man. It's all right.

Out of control. Sit down, man. Police said they followed the car to the 200 block of First Street where the driver, Logan Daugherty, 23 years old, of Letonia, ran out of the car and into a house. As though, like, cops were like, oh, never mind, he's home.

Or like that game where you're like, I'm on home base, I'm safe. If you don't touch me, I'm touching the mantle. I'm touching the mantle. Officers ordered him to stop, but he shut the front door behind him. I hope also he was like, you gotta have a warrant. Like, not at this point we don't touch me, I'm touching the mantle. I'm touching the mantle. Officers ordered him to stop, but he shut the front door behind him. I hope also he was like, you got to have a warrant. Like, not at this point we don't. There's plenty of probable cause.

Is this your house? Yeah. There were a handful of people. This is where it gets dumb people. There were a handful of people sitting on the porch as officers ordered them off, quote, for everyone's safety. So this guy. 4 a.m. These people are up and out.

These people are sitting on a porch. When Logan Daugherty, D-A-U-G-H-E-R-T-Y, comes running past them on the porch and just slams the door. Wow. And these people just sit there. I don't think this is his house. Right. No, this is not his house. He's just running into a house.

It's totally not his house. Not his house. And I love that everyone is just completely unfazed. Like they were having a conversation and all of a sudden this dude screeches up, runs in the house. They're like, anyway, I told her. Yeah, the cops say, quote, for everybody's safety, get off the porch. Police say, this is where we meet, Alyssa Zabrowski of Canfield. She told them, quote, I'm not moving.

You're going to have to get me. Wow. What? That is a white person talking to cops. Oh, yeah. Because a black person would not say that.

No, no, no. You're going to have to get me. Also, a black person would move quickly and still get shot. Absolutely. She has no context for what he's running from,

why the cops are there. But I love that she's just like, I have rights. It's like, no, you're missing the argument. Whatever rights you have. See this guy? Guy screech, man. Just move away for your own sake. These guys are actually trying to help you.

She insisted Daugherty did nothing wrong. She still has no clue what's happened. She's definitely like going to get a warrant. Yeah. Right. Get a warrant. Right. Going to tell me what you can and can't do.

It's like that documentary, The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, where they're constantly like, why you lock us up? We don't do nothing. They're like, well, we literally caught him in a truck. It's all right there, but there's still deniability in the face of fact. I know my Ramanda rights. We're not even arresting you yet. It's not Ramanda. in the face of fact. Yeah. I know my Romanda rights. We're not even arresting you yet. It's not Romanda. It's not Romanda.

It's not Romanda at all. Oh, I'm such a Miranda. That one works, but you're talking about sex in the city. Officers ordered her to come off the porch several times before she finally started walking towards them. Wow. So she did get up eventually. She got up though. Can you imagine these two guys looking at each other

like, what the fuck? Can you believe this? This is when I would authorize them to use force. I'd be like, Taser off the damn. Police said she then told them, this is as she... authorize them to use force. I'd be like, taser off the dam. Taser off the dam. Police said,

she then told them, this is as she, all they've said is, please get off the porch. For your own safety. We don't know what this guy's deal is. You might know him, but we don't.

We don't know what we're going to have to do to get him out of the house. Could we just get you off the porch? She says, come get me. Then she starts walking towards them. Then quote, she says,

I have a knife on me. What are you going to do about that? What is this? What are you going to do about that? The Lucas brothers just look at each other like, this bitch is the whitest woman ever. This can never happen to me. This is white privilege. Not only this, you can't let the couch. This is the height of white privilege.

She walks towards them saying, I have a deadly weapon. What are you going to do about that? What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about that? To every writer's room in Los Angeles that's all white dudes, that is nothing white privilege compared to a woman with a knife saying to cops,

I have a knife, what are you going to do about it? You guys keep saying it. She for some reason said that. What are you going to do about that? What are you going to do about that? Which makes it weirder to me. That's why I saying it. She, for some reason, said that. What are you going to do about that? What are you going to do about that? Which makes it weirder to me. That's why I want it.

It's more specific. Yeah, it literally is like, now you have to tell me what you're going to do. Almost like your move. Is it a threat? Yeah, it's like a threat. It's like your move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going to do about that?

Well, here it is. They handcuffed her and she started crying. She was faked up. Can't bring a knife to a gunfight. She brought a tear to a crying fight. She brought a tear to a cuff party. It says they handcuffed her and she started crying while kicking and pulling away from them. She's facing a charge of obstructing official business.

Of course she is. I thought she was a gangster at first, man. Police found Daughtry inside the house where he was arrested. I thought she was a gangster at first, man. Police found Daughtry inside the house where he was arrested. I hope he was just sitting on the couch. What took you guys so long?

We had a thing with the porch. We had a thing with the porch, girl. You know that lady? Wait, wait. So this reminds me of the Adam Carolla thing that he said about Steven Seagal.

There was always one guy in every fight scene who after he beats the shit out of one guy another guy comes up the second guy who comes up to seagal is after he's adam's favorite guy in the world because he always comes up as like oh a big karate guy he gets his arm that's basically what she did to the cops she's like what do you got we got these you remember my favorite person in every steven seagal movie right the guy who has to tell the other people in the movie and the audience every stat.

Oh, you don't know? He's not just a cook. This guy is black. I'm a special force. And every one of them. There's somebody who's, oh, he's not just a cook. There's somebody who tells everything that he does in every Seagal movie. Yeah, that's right.

They might as well just do it straight to camera. Oh, you guys in that theater don't know who this guy is? Let me tell you. It's like ESPN, a graphics package comes up. There's two more great things in this story and one of them I cannot prepare you for. Here's the other one. I can't wait.

Police found Daughtry inside the house where he was arrested. When police asked him why he ran, he told them, quote, he had to go to the bathroom. I would have kept going, but I had to be... By the way, we still don't know why the car was running or what he was doing

and why he led the police on a chase. Daughtry is facing charges of failure to comply and obstructing official business. Jordan Mountain, who was inside the house, was also arrested on a warrant on a Newton fall. So now there's just somebody else lost named Jordan Mountain.

Who sounds like a meteorologist. Let's go to Jordan Mountain for the five day. Jordan Mountain. I'm going to ask you how old Alyssa Zabrowski is. Off all the information that I gave you, she's got a knife. She's up at 4 a.m.

She thinks she can walk towards cops. But before I do, I'm going to show you her. It's both of their mug shots. By the way, pictures don't always give you a better insight.

No. They could look like they're 60 and be 40. You're going to see Logan Dogtree. Meth years are like dog years. You just got a puppy, you know.

How old is she? Well, she's been using meth. She's 20, but she's more like 60. She's got to multiply by six. You're going to see Logan Daughtry. And I'm going to tell you

right now, he has a couple things about his look that we would all be able to go off. But when you see Alyssa, which, by the way, this will be on the Facebook page. For all the people who are listening to this who are not members of the Facebook page, what are you doing?

Join up right now, like it, and you'll see these. I'm going to show this to you. And I thought, literally, based off her, that this whole story was fake. Are you ready? I don't know if I'm ready. Oh, God. See it. And then we get to guess the age.

Oh, my God. What? Oh, my God. Wait a second. John, would you like to explain to the listeners? It's a tattoo. She's the queen of the juggalos. Yeah, of course.

No, she was a character in the movie Book of Life. She's in Coco. She's in Crow 6. She looks like a henchwoman for the Joker. She, she was a character in the movie Book of Life. She's in Coco. She's in Crow 6. She looks like a henchwoman for the Joker. She's part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. She's not Coco. She's Coco. But I understand the knife now for sure. I'm surprised she only had one.

I know, right? She has scars on the side of her face. She looks like the Joker. She looks as a knife? She's the Joker. Dia de los Muertos. Yeah, she the Joker. Dia de los Muertos. Yeah, she looks like a Dia de los Muertos Mexican character. She looks like she hates, she literally is in a battle with Spider-Man.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at this. Are those stitches in her mouth? Yeah, stitches get snitches. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he- If I'm the cop and she's like, what are you going to do about it?

I'm like, nothing. Nothing. You stay on that porch as long as you want. You are a witch. Don't put a spell on me. How about we don't do that? How old do you think she is? Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. 23, 24 22 Okay 20 So you want to pick one?

What do you want? I'm going with 23 22 Kenny says 22 Alright, I'm going to say Randy I'm going to say 160 She does look like she's been dead for about 100 years

She does look dead She looks bad Ghost Look at him He usually is the one that gets all the comments We're not even talking about it She does look like she's been dead for about a hundred years. She does look dead. She looks bad. Ghost. Look at him. He usually is the one that gets all the comments, but not in this. We're not even talking about it. I haven't even heard of him. He's a fucking lightweight.

He was like a scholar. He was in a different country. Like, how do you want your hair? He's like, I want it with, like, Mackle-less. It's not Macklemore. You say 22, 23, or 24. He's out with her. Keith, what'd you say?

Let's go 24. Okay, 24. And you said 22, Kenny. 22 so that people... Keith, what'd you say? Let's go 24. Okay, 24. And you said 22, Kenny. 22, Kenny. Might be younger. What'd you say, Brent? No, man, I think she's like 26. I mean, Jay.

28. But you know what? The thing about him is like he hangs out with her so that when people go, why'd you do that to your face? He can be like, you mean her?

Because he's got it on his face. He can be like, you mean her? Because he's got it on his face. Let me show you a little bit of column B. It could be worse. You don't like this. You're getting that. This is what no restraint looks like. Every time he wants a job, he has her go interview before him.

So when he rolls in, they're like, oh, you are. Oh, man. Get your shit together, man. Like literally, she can only work on haunted hay rides. Right.

That's her whole life. I work in October a lot, but then I don't work for the rest of the year. Nothing after that. All right, Townies, get your answers in right now, because Alyssa Zabrowski, the woman who stayed on the porch at 4 a.m., didn't want to leave, said she had a knife, then cried and kicked when she got arrested. And is essentially a living mummy. Is.

Is. 20. No. Oh. Is. Is. 20. No. Oh. Seven years old. Oh. 26 and 28. We are right in the middle of us.

Look at that. Oh, my God. That is insane. Guys, join the Facebook page and check that out. We got one more story with the Lucas Brothers. And a fun new game. A fun new game. I can't wait.

We got the Lucas Bros with us. This is just a good time. Dump People Town, stay with us. Stick around. Lucas Town. There's more Dump People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT.

We got a lot of fun stuff coming up. Follow the Lucas Brothers, by the way, on Twitter and on Instagram. Instagram, yeah. The Lucas Bros. Yeah, yeah. and on Instagram. The Lucas Bros. The Lucas Bros. The Lucas Bros. That's our Instagram. Twitter is at Lucas Bros.

At Lucas Bros. These guys are awesome. Get on board with them. The sweetest dudes. This is how much I love them. I mean, it's like I don't love other twins. I really don't. And Randy and I have said this before.

It's because most twins just go to the most basic obvious media already put in your mind who you have to be people. I don't see you guys as that. You guys are thoughtful guys with great comedians. If you get a chance to see them, check it out. Thank you. You got some dates, Daniel, you want to...

Go to danielvankirk.com We're recording this a little ahead of time, so I'm not exactly sure when it drops. Me either. But if it's before January 22nd, I'm in Vegas for my tour. You can go to danielvKirk.com. We're recording this a little ahead of time, so I'm not exactly sure when it drops. Me either. But if it's before January 22nd, I'm in Vegas for my tour. You can go to DanielVanKirk to get tickets for that. And then I have a whole bunch more dates coming up as well. If ours is before the 26th, we're going to be at the Rec Room. I think it is because we're promoting these guys.

Yeah, it is. So headlining down in Huntington Beach at the Rec Room. It's a really cool room. Very cool. And then we'll be in Portland at Helium, which is a great club. I love that place. Love Helium. February 7th through 9th we'll be there.

And then we've got other dates. And we'll be at Moon Tower with these guys too in April. But it's going to be fun. All right, Dan. Here we go. Sent in by Jake Groney. At Jake Groney. G-R-O-N-I-E.

Groney, Groney, Groney. Groney, Groney. The cremated remains of someone's grandfather were stolen Saturday in Spartanburg, South Carolina during a strange home burglary that saw the thieves take the ashes but leave behind the urn.

What? Well, that's personal. That is very personal. Would you empty that into a Ziploc? I don't know. You can't just hold it, right? I'm about to smoke your grandpa right now. Would you empty that into a Ziploc? I don't know. You can't just hold it, right? A bong? It just goes up through your throat. I'm about to smoke your grandpa right now.

Was it red and meth? This is what I tell people. I'm like, if you have a loved one who's cremated, or they even told you they want to be cremated, ask them where they want it scattered. And scatter that shit the day after. It's too important a thing to have in your house. Or, like,

what you do is you get a dummy urn. You know what I'm saying? It's like get a bunch of, like, you go to a campfire and scoop a bunch of that ash and put that in there that if someone comes in and steals it,

you're like, ah-ha! Gotcha. Right. My shit's in the bottom of the closet. It's funny. I don't know why

someone would do that. This is according to FoxCarolina.com and other news outlets. However, the ashes were just one of several odd things taken by the burglars who also slipped away with a collection of household goods that left police and victims confused. These are like alt-burglars. Or like 9-11.

It was an inside job. Sorry. Go ahead, Dan. I didn't mean to say that. Alt-burglars. And the thieves did to say that. No, no. Very good. And the thieves did this without any signs of forced entry. Okay, so I was right. Check out where the explosions were. Sorry, I just saw loose change.

And I'm very fired up, Dan. Go. Jay's got a documentary about this thing called Jangly Nichols. Jangly Nichols. I wish we could come to terms in society, though, that like we all agree no one wants their shit stolen. No. But we all agree that there's a, we agree to a list of certain things. There's eight things you can take.

Right. There's a jacket I thought I would wear, but I don't wear it anymore. It's yours. It's yours. Take it. And you post it up in your house so that you aren't like, where's the broom? They took the fucking, like two weeks broom? They took the fucking broom. Where's the dust buster?

It wasn't working anymore. I don't want to be finding out over time things you took. I want to walk in and be like, TV, computer's gone. Okay, got it. And now we're done with it. Here's the treadmill that became a hanger for my coat. Take it. Just get it out.

We'll move it around. There's a moment if something gets stolen that you didn't want anymore, you're like, thank God. Oh, good. Now I don't have to put it on my curb. More space. More space. I'm downsizing. It happened Saturday evening in East Spartanburg,

about 100 miles northwest of Columbia, at an apartment in the 1500 block of Fernwood Glendale Road. Put that on the walking tour. Go Upstate said, here is what they took. Now, this is a quick story, but it's going to be a fun game. I can't wait.

I'm going to read a rundown. Okay, so I know what it is. Dan, you put... No, it's a little twist. Oh, really? Yeah. I was going to say, you put fake ones in there

and we have to guess what's real and fake. You're almost right. Randy was going to say, which are the items that Dan put in that aren't real? Here's what they took. Now, I have a list of what was stolen.

Okay. I have included, because there's four of you, four things. Okay. Your guys' job is to guess which four. Now, you can go in any order you want. You cannot say the same thing twice. Okay. So, if you want to try and think of two or three, because someone might take yours.

Take your one. It's on you guys to run the table. Of two or three because someone might take yours. Take your one. It's on you guys to run the table. Of the things that aren't. That aren't real. That aren't real. So there are four fake items in this list. Okay. And as a group, we're a team.

We're a team, yes. We want to run the table and try and get all four. I like this. I like this. Yes. Here's what they took. Which four items are not real? Okay.

This is so good. Dan is so good at this because he knows how to get you thinking, wait, I think that's real. Women's makeup. Two Rokus. A purse. A roll of paper towels. A silver ring and necklace. A beach bag. One of the victim's grandfather's ashes,

but not the urn. That's a gimme. We knew it. Two frozen pizzas, men's body wash, a package of hot dogs, a package of cheese, bread, a package of lunch meat Four containers of juice A bottle of Jack Daniels A cowboy hat I will read them again

So you can flag a couple in your head Ready? I'm gonna go a little faster this time Women's makeup Two Rokus A purse A roll of paper towels A silver ring and necklace

A beach bag The ashes but not the urn Two frozen pizzas Men's body wash, hot dogs, cheese, bread, lunch meat, four containers of juice, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a cowboy hat. Okay, now we can go. Let's just go around. The process of elimination. I'm certain he took the Jack Daniels, right?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was taken. I think none of us are going Daniels, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was taken. None of us are going to take that. Jason, what do you think? Yeah, you guys can do it however you want to do it. I think four containers of juice sounds like too much juice that anyone would have in their house at any one time. So I'm going to say too much juice.

Jay's going four containers of juice. I think roll of paper towels seems like why would you take that? But they are They did take weird stuff I know Paper towels to hold the ashes No I think roll of paper towels Okay

Alright Keith Kenny Juice towels I'm gonna go with The two Roku Damn The two Roku Yeah Oh because like

Why would he have two Yeah I think one of the food items Okay I can run those down for you It's pizza Hot dogs Cheese Bread They have two. Yeah. Uh-huh. I think one of the food items. Okay. I can run those down for you. It's pizza, hot dogs, cheese, bread, lunch meat. They're two pizzas, right?

Two pizzas, yep. Two frozen pizzas, a package of hot dogs, a package of cheese. Frozen. Bread, a package of lunch meat. I go with your instincts. Your instincts are saying pizza. Instinct's pizza, but you can take two pizzas. But I'm like, he already has the sandwich, though. You're holding a dead guy.

Unless the sandwich is made up. Unless the sandwich is made up. All of the sandwich is made up. Why would you take the pizza and all of it? It's one of the food items. It has to be one of the food items. It has to be. I think you're on it.

It has to, but which one? Let's go pizza. Two pizzas. Two pizzas. I'm going to now read what was fake. The first thing that was fake is a roll of paper towels. Nice, Randy. Good job.

Because you look at it and you're like, ah, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The next thing that was fake was men's body wash. Oh, man. Damn, that's so good. Didn't run the table. That was a good one. The next thing that was fake was men's body wash. Damn, that's so good. The next thing that was fake was bread. Write about some of that food.

And the last thing that was fake in that list is a cowboy hat. Oh my god! Randy was the only one who got it. We were one for four. I love this game though because someday we're going to run it. Run the table is a great it. We're one for four. We tried to run the table. I love this game, though, because someday we're going to run it. Run the table is a great game.

That's a great game. Run the table, run the Jews, run the jewels. I love it. That's a great game. I love it. Dudes, this is so much fun. I love this. I love it.

The world's getting dumber. Thanks for hanging with us. Oh, man, thank you guys for having us. Thanks for how we have this show to be able to fight the dumbness. I'm so excited for your dad to see you do stand-up for the first time in his life. He will be pleasantly surprised. Bell House on the 25th. Get there in New York.

See these dudes. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Stick around, make a sound, calm your down

It's Dumb People Town It's a good show