Dumb People Town - Matt Fulchiron - Something's Ahoof

Episode Date: September 15, 2026

Comedian Matt Fulchiron (Altar'd Reality) stops by as Jason describes how animals road a bus in Portland, Randy explains why a naked woman was driving with drugs and guns, and Daniel warns against stuffing fish with weights to win a tournament, and so much more!Thanks to our sponsors: ASPCA Pet Insurance and Hims!To explore coverage, visit ASPCApetinsurance.com/DPT To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED and more, visit Hims.com/DPTSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Guys, we got an unbelievable episode of Dumb People Town with the great Matt Fulcher on on the show. We got two if by land and one if by sea. We got a car. We got a bus and we got a boat story. All three of them are insane and you got to check it out. You're going to love it. It is Dumb People Town. Don't miss it.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of dope so unaware. They lack and grace and sometimes choose the life they choose will make the news. Breaking down each epic fail in Florida. There's half price mail. I'm happy to say they. Good in for podcast, random, with co-host our man, Dan. Dender, don't be a jerk.

Because when the music, which the funny hits, stick around, make a sound, bunker down is Dump People Town. Hey, Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population. Population, Filcheron. Matt Fultcheron.

You call them Filcheron. Fultcheron, baby. The Fultcheron sounds like, a robot that you put your jokes into and it spits out great transitions. Absolutely. The Fulturon 3,000? You got to put it in there and then let it... You know, people call me Voltron for most of my childhood.

Vultron. Yeah. My favorite character for a moment. And then the Wu-Tang made it cool again. Yeah, they did. They did. The Bhutan... Wut-Tang made everything cool. Exactly.

We did a movie with Method Man and hung with him like a bunch of... In Toronto at the rap party. And like even like on nights where like Eddie Griffin's like it was, we did my baby's daddy and he was in that movie he goes like we're going out of this club and we're like all right let's go let's go and then we'd show up and like method man was there and we're like we're the two white boys you ordered yeah that's fine do you guys you guys anything you guys top anything off anything for you you guys guys want to eat milk um so anyway the world is getting dumber we all know that's yes yes uh the only smart thing is your special which is uh coming out so we'll talk about that

yeah top a segment too yeah but i got a story okay let's jump into it because we all I want to do this. I want you to do this. This was sent it by Josh Moat at J. Moat. Here's the headline. They'll go to anything that's green. There's a second part of this headline, but I kind of want you guys to try to guess what that. They'll go to anything that's green. Sounds like an out of context Attenborough line from planet Earth.

They'll go to anything that's green. Dan, you're not far. Really? A sheep or a goat or something? Okay. I like that. I mean, I thought it was like kindergartners who are like colorblind kindergartners. Like, they'll go to anything that's great.

All right, here's the second line. Goats owner speaks up after viral video shows animals boarding bus. What's green on a bus? The bus? Like maybe the floor. Sorry, maybe while I'm doing this, maybe Aaron can find the footage. We'll go to anything that's green. I should have been.

It's pretty good, Dan. You were on the right path and then you took it on home. All right, here we go. Portland, Oregon, of course. Look, I don't want to give Portland more shit. They defunded the zookeepers. What? No. Just going to school.

They said that. There's already in Portland a band called bus goats. Bus goats. That's already. That's already taking. Yes. When you get a weird news story in Portland, it is a rush to be who's the first band on the flyer. Number one and number two, like people are now calling that bus the goat bus.

Yes, that'll be a thing too. I'm taking the goat. And eventually the sixth. city will need to replace that with a new bus and then the citizens of Portland will lose their mind like they did with the airport carpet and be like, we can't get rid of the goat bus. Have you seen what they did to the go bus?

It's a slippery slope. Are you coming downtown this week? Are you coming downtown this week? We're doing a protest for it because they're getting rid of the gop bus. It'll be goats instead of frogs this time. Thank you. And then what city have we become? Seattle.

Come on. Can't do that. All right. Although it rains so much in Portland. Can you imagine getting on the bus and a wet goat comes in? Do you even notice? As long as it doesn't have an umbrella. Yeah, but if it smells like wet.

You know, that's like their big rule. I learned that over the past couple years ago. If you don't have an umbrella. If you have an umbrella in Portland or Seattle, especially Portland. Oh, they will tell you, get the fuck off the sidewalk. What? You just got to get wet if you live there? It is a raincoat society.

So they, like, you are a dick if you, because everybody is in the rain. So if everybody has an umbrella, you're just constantly like can't get around each other. You're hitting each other in the head with your little. Mary Poppins. I saw her at the Ace Hotel. Is she getting shit on? It is a real thing. Anti-umbrella culture.

Culture. We're lucky. We're from L.A., so we bring neither. Neither culture nor raincove. We also didn't build, like, roads or sidewalk built for any sort of... My first two years in L.A., I didn't have a car, so I'd be walking from bus stop to whatever. I would always take the train to UCB and then walk from, like, Hollywood and Vine. And everywhere, like, especially the Walk of Fame, it is literally as slick as ice when it just becomes...

Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's so much of the city that they're like, weather. We're not prepared for that. We're not prepared for this. Here we go. How about our drainage system like immediately fills up one second? That's absolutely.

It's just overflowing. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I blame Karen Bass. The mystery behind two goats that recently tried to catch a trimet bus on southeast port. I love this too. They described too much personality. They weren't trying to catch it.

Trying to get somewhere. They got an appointment. That's right. So the bus is green. We're seeing some photos. The bus is green. Okay. They're trying to catch the bus.

Just so you know, I'm telling you, out the gate, I love our podcast so much. I will not be able to guess the age of these goats. No. They're going to have me do it. They're kids, right? Hey. They're just kids. All right, they are just kids.

They may be solved. Ray Anderson said his how old goats. Two-year-old goats. You are a guest. I'm going to guess. I'm just going to guess, I'm just going to guess, I want them be older. I'm going to go eight-year-old goats.

How do goats live? Aaron, you want to throw... Doesn't it feel like around 12, 10 to 12? I don't know. 15? Six-year-old goats. All right, these goats were seven months old. Oh, baby.

They are babies. Are you ready for the names of these two goats? Billy the kid and Billy the goat. Really? Yeah. Both billies. Two billies. I get Billy the kid, but let's be a little more.

Yeah. Let's be a little more creative. I would rather, if I'm naming goats. Right. I'm going, like, what are you? Tom Brady, Tom Brady, Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretz. Tom Brady and Michael George and Wayne Gretzger.

I'm hanging out in my back there. Honor McGregor. Don't forget Method Man. Method Man. Method Man. Ozzie Smith. Anyone that's considered a goat, that's the name of my goat. But the best is like, I, to me,

Tiger Woods. I would be like Michael Jordan and LeBron and then let people fight it out. Decide who's the real goat? We don't know. They probably had enough to eat. they said and let they said let they said let's keep going Anderson said that no one said that nobody no goat said that we had left their backyard Tuesday morning when exploring that's it just say that yeah don't you don't say they had I think exploring's too much they got out it's true

it's got out everyone's trying to be Hunter S Thompson right let a goat give me the facts you just a goat just got out not every little toaster is brave thank you please thank you their adventure led them around the corner to a trimet bus stop at southeast 162nd Avenue and Division Street. Where the goat brothers, the goat brothers. Another band, another band, importantly. Goat Brothers. They open for Wolf Mother. Have you seen them?

They play cellos flat on the ground. It's so crazy. Goat Brothers. I love it. Where the goat brothers apparently decided to take public transportation. They didn't decide to do anything. Now, hold on. If they do say that they waited.

Like if the goats ran up and a bus was leaving and they saw them be like, and then they waited for the next bus, I will start to think something's a foot here. If they had fair. Something's a hoof. Yay. Well, it would be great as if all the people were trying to board the bus had to answer three questions. Michael Phelps, get over here. That's another one of my goats.

Michael Phelps is another goat. Get over here. Peter Satera. He is the goat. I mean, you ruined Chicago, but he's a good singer. At what time did this happen? Did they try, did the cameras catch them trying to get on FX2 division bus? These guys seem like early?

Yeah, early birds to me. I'm going to say a morning commute. I'm going to say 8 a.m. 8 a. I like that. 9.30 a.m. It did sort of have a morning feel to it. Everything is.

It's all relative. Yeah, especially with Portland. You're like, what time of day is this? I don't know, cloudy. Right. I'm going to go. Rain o'clock? Rain o'clock.

2 p.m. 2 p.m. One of you is 20 minutes off. 9.50. I love that they dialed it in like that. 140. Go up or down 20 minutes? Oh.

You said 8. I said 8. And you said 20 minutes off? 20 minutes off? Up or down? I'm going to go 8.20. 8.20. I wish you would have gone down 7.48.

7.40 a. It's an early morning. So that also means there's people on this bus that are, this is not the time for them to want to be entertained. No, exactly. They're pissed that they have to be aware. If the bus driver's like, what do you want to do? These goats, people are like, just keep driving. I've got to go to work.

I don't care. We're in Portland. I don't give a shit. The best part is about everybody's looking at their phone, looking for cool shit to look at. Meanwhile, goats are fucking on the bus. Missing the goats who just walked in. They're just literally missing the ghosts. There's a guy next to you with a kayak.

Like, who gives the shit? I'm just going to work. Right. And, I mean, but Dan, you hit on it. Like, if they, the discussion of what are we going to do right now is going to upset so many people on the bus. And then. the poor driver because he's got to go do his whole route and he has a whole thing that he's supposed to do but he's got to now come back and drop these goats off where he picked them up

right that is that does derail his day or her day if you are like if we're playing golf and and someone leaves a club on the thing it is it your instinct to pick it up and then be like i'll give it back to him or leave it there so that when they cut so that people be like where did i leave it and they'd come back to what's better to do pick it up bring it up you think it's better i give it up and bring it because even if it isn't If it isn't there, they're eventually going to go to the clubhouse. But you're right. It is a thought.

So do you just drop the goats off? You hold on to the goat until someone claims it. Well, it'd be funny if someone's like, get up and give your seat to this goat. What are you doing, David? You can stand. This goat is seven months old. Their attempted ride lasted. I'm not even going to ask you this.

20 seconds. Two passengers ushered them off the bus before it moved. Those people suck. Corny the tri-met. Get out of it. Someone called 911 to report the wandering goats. What I call it? 911.

There should be a goat hotline. I hope the dispatcher was like, oh, maybe you didn't hear me. I said, what's your emergency? Right. It should be good that you're jamming up this line with this. Call 211. That's the goat on the bus line. 21 should be just straight goat.

So Anderson didn't realize the goats were missing at first. Oh, you're a good parent. He said that he learned on Facebook. That'd be another one of my phone. He learned on Facebook that the goats hitched a ride. Wow. Who's getting their news from Facebook? This guy's on Facebook more than he's watching his pets.

I'll tell you that much. Can you imagine the surprise seeing your own goats on Facebook? Hey, what's this? These goats look a lot like Billy the goat and Billy the kid. Let me show them in the backyard. Oh, no, they're gone. Then came the social media fame. Trimette posted a clip of the goaded stunt,

which has surpassed how many views at this point? I'm going to go. Three million. That's a great guess. Four million. I don't know what the population of Portland is. Probably one million. I think this has escaped even Portland.

Oh, for sure. A friend of ours, who I've kept in touch with way over the years, since we first tried to get some dogs adopted on A.M. Northwest, Steve Denari. Steve Denari is one of the coolest dudes. I love him. Shout out Helen, who retired. Yeah. Helen Rapides.

Yeah. I love her so much. So sweet. I got to know if he included this. the show. I'm sure he had to. I'm going to say, you went three? I went four. You went four? Four million views. Man, it also depends on how quickly this story got out. Yeah, how I saw it. What's our format or what's our platform?

They said social media. Social media. So it could be every day. The word Facebook was used though. Is it Facebook? I'll go six. Six million. Three million for you. One of you is exactly right. I'm staying at six. I'm staying at three. Staying at three. Get your answers. in because there were more than three million. First time. First time. The Fultron 3,000. Quote, we are thrilled. My name a goat after you.

Yeah, you are the goat when it comes to guests. We are thrilled that the goats have returned to their human family. Trimet spokesperson Tyler Graff told, you got to get this guy on the phone to give a quote. Get a quote from Graff about these goats. Even though their attempted trip on Trimet was foiled, ending before it started, were honored that they chose the. FX2 division. They did not choose it. And okay, let's not blame

the, I don't want to scapegoat these guys. Let's not blame them. Let's not blame them. Give it up. But I will say this. It is their fault. Nike has the opportunity to do something really fucking cool. Right, right. Just do it. Do the goat. The goats who just go for it. Right. You got to get on that if you want to be a goat. Get on that bus.

And see where life takes you commit to it. Get on the bus. Nike could really do something fun with this. The door opening and the goat. the goat deciding the fact that it's happening in Portland this is everything they prove that it's the goat of our bus service to a lot to that's what's whoever called tylergraph immediately regretted that yeah like this clown he's like i got it more quotes no he's good sounds like some sort of measuring chart that i did not study for did you guys now this is called a tyler graph does the test cover tyler graph right does oh you obviously can't read a tyler graph daniel and that's why you're

It's Ben diagrams and Tyler graphs. That's the whole test. Here we go. Anderson said his family had Billy the kid and Billy the goat for about three months. The goats have visited neighbors' yards before, but this is their first trip to the bus stop. So maybe get a better fence, bro. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I do like that they're free-range goats. I guess. So listen to this. This is where Anderson, I'm like, a little iffy on this guy. He said his children sometimes accidentally leave the gate open. Oh, my God. Throw your kids under the goaded bus. He's scapegoating his kids by throwing them under the bus.

That means the whole town. The whole town's going to say something about it. It sounds like small town shit, you know? My kids are doing this a lot. How old are your kids? I don't know, seven months. I haven't even seen them in years. This is what he said about the ghosts.

Do you call your kid Billy the kid? These are his other kids. They're smart. So they'll seal the gate. And if there's an opportunity and someone didn't shut it right, like my kid. No. Someone didn't shut it right. He's taking zero responsibility.

I hope it wrote like in there like yells over his shoulder. And someone didn't shut it right. Staring directly with such derision. Someone didn't shut it right. They're going through. And he made sure to be like, they're smart. The goats are smart. The idiot who left the gate open.

By the way, my dogs leave. They get out of our gate. And like, there are just moments where they're just going because someone didn't shut the gate. And we let them out on our front. So I understand this. As Mark Marin once famously said, locked the gates. All right, Anderson said, and they'll go to anything that's green. The family has since added an extra lock and chain to the gate, hopefully putting an end.

They're still, they're not putting past these kids. No. These damn kids will figure out a way to screw this up. Maybe someday they'll learn to put an end to the goat's public transit ambitions. They don't have ambitions. Story number one. That was fun. That was good.

I like that one. Thank you. I'm story number two. All right. That's number one in the books. When we come back, we're going to hear about full Toronto. special. We'll heap some praise on him as a comic. If you aren't familiar with his work, you definitely should check you. You will love it. And we'll tell you what we have going on.

It's Dump People Town with Matt Fultcheron. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound down down down. It's Dump People Town. Guys, I want to take a moment and talk about my dog. I love your dog. I love my dog. Golda. She's an amazing dog. We stole her from my in-laws and we're calling it a rescue. It is well. No, she's a... Who rescued who? Who rescued who? I mean, it's a great... That is really what it is. Just a tremendous dog that brings us so much joy and love. Every dog does.

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Make us down. Come you're down. It's dumb people town. Hey, gang. Welcome back to the show. Hope you had a nice break and you didn't switch to another podcast in the middle while we were commercial. That's right.

But we're back and we should let people know what we have going on because we have a new announcement of a new date. A new date that just popped up that we're very excited about. And that is in September. First of all, thank you to everyone who, came out and saw us at the Grand Comedy Club in Escondido. We had a great time. A lot of townies.

A lot of townies. Adam Wasserman, really great dude who is the most Jewish name ever and the least Jewish guy I've ever met my entire life. Dude was incredible. The room was really great. And so I just want to heat praise on that guy because he's a good dude. So that was fun. But we'll be at the comedy at the Carlson in Rochester.

Mark I love him. He's such a great guy, Mark. I love that club. I love that club. It's a beautiful room. It's like really cool. is a cool city. I love it.

So we're going up there on September 18th. Don't say I love it. I thought you guys were fun. I loved it. I don't know what Jay thinks about it. I love it too. We love that room. So then the next weekend we'll be at JFL Toronto doing headlining sets at the comedy bar,

tag it shows at the comedy bar, 24th and 25th. Then we'll be in Ann Arbor, Michigan, the 16, 16th, 15, 16th, or 14, 15, 16th, I believe is of October, Penn State Week. that's a Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Then we're doing a flyover comedy festival. St. Louis. So excited. And more stuff coming.

Like, we've got some dates in the winter already booked. Supersclars.com, sign up your email. On the main page of there, we finally put it in. We need to build an email list. This is something we never did at. You guys have inspired me. I'm going to start an email list. So on our website, supersclars.com, on the front page, just put your email in.

We're trying to build the list up. This is better late than never. And we'll let you know we're going to be coming near you. It's the best way to reach out to people and let them know is for you guys to email us. So all that's out. And we'll let you know when other things are happening when we'll be on the tube and whatnot. You're special, Matt. Let's talk about the special, dude.

You're just one of our favorite comics because you have the best transitions out of anybody who's ever done. I said you could be almost considered a trans comic because of how great your transitions are. You can make it in the WMBA at this point. Tell us about the special where you recorded. I looked beautiful. And how people can get it. Yeah, okay. So they can get it on YouTube.

I've heard of it. At full charge. Great. Just go to at full charge. And it's free. Even though it's at full charge, it's free. It comes out September 9th. Yes.

And we'll try to drop this right around that time. That's the strategy I'm hoping for. I love it. And I taped it at the small room in the Comedy of Magic Club in Hermosa B. But since you guys have seen it, you know, I decked it out to look like an old school club, like a 1960s type thing. It shot beautifully, the spotlight on you. It looks great.

You're dressed nice and really cool. It looks exactly how I wanted to look. Amazing. And it just couldn't have gone better. You know those moments? It hardly ever happens on tape. Sure. Two shows?

Two shows, but it's mostly the first show. Right. So we're like, all right, I'm going to get everything right in the second show. And then you go back and you're like, man, I loved how it was in the first show. Yeah, totally. And it's a story about. about, you know, I grew up Catholic and I came to Los Angeles and became a heathen. And then I proposed to a girl from New Orleans.

Speaking of heathism. Hedonism. I find out they want me to get married in the Catholic Church. And it's kind of like I got out. Just in time to get me out of red. And, you know, and I'm like, and I left this part out of it, but it's all happening during the pandemic. so I'm living there with them. Oh, my God.

And it's, I've been living like a private detective for like 20 years, you know. Pizza boxes everywhere. Yeah. Just do whatever the fuck I want all day long every day. And now you're under the watchful eye of Jesus. Jesus and my mother-in-law just involved in my life. The things you do for love. The things we do for love.

Both will rise again. But I got an hour out of it. Hey, that's good. I mean, out of the, so I'm sure the pandemic was difficult for everybody. Yeah. I'm sure there were moments for like, oh, I can't believe this is going on. But then, of course, out of those moments comes the best creativity and the best comment. Well, I didn't stop writing during the pandemic.

And I even started like memorizing the material because I'm like, this has got to end someday. Yeah, you were right. Yes, you were right to do it. You and Dr. Fauci. Before the pandemic, I was kind of caught in a rut of old material. So, like, in hindsight, let's do another pandemic. Let's doubt up. I need some new bits.

It opened up a lot of stuff for you. Yeah, it was rough at the time. But good for everybody. But good for you for turning that into a plus. Yeah, yeah. If you want to see the result of that, if you want to see the sort of codification of some serious pandemic, life, living, and some work, check out his special. September 9th. September 9th on YouTube.

And it is called? It's called altered reality. Altered reality. Fantastic. I love it. Matt Fultcheron, do not, again, so happy that you're on this show and just goofing around with us. I love you guys, and I'm very happy to be here. Always.

Since the early days back at the improv. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got introduced you through Sickler and I was like, oh yeah, right, right, right, absolutely, yeah. All right, should we jump in another story? Let's do it. Okay, this is sent in by me. Okay, I sent it in.

Who dad? I figured out. Okay, here we go. Here's the headline, naked woman was driving with guns, comma, drugs. Oh. I mean, cut right to it. I always wonder. I like it.

I told you guys I saw a naked guy in Chicago this summer, right? No. I was crossing the street. I was walking up. I had to like, it was me trying to figure out what my part. working cost was going to be in in Chicago. If you have the code, you can just use the app. And I forgot to get right down the code.

So I'm walking back at 2 a.m. when I remember it. I need that code for in the morning to pay in the apps. Nothing weird's going to happen now. Guy just comes walking across the street. Amblin, amblin. Not even in a hurry. She walking with purpose? He had on flip-flops.

And that's it. And I describe it as he, it's going to be exactly what you think. The body that was. He looked like an orchestra conductor. It's exactly what he looked like. It's exactly what he looked like. I'm imagining gray hair a little bit longer, maybe thin little glasses. Yes.

I'm watching across the street and then he gets to the sidewalk in front of me and then he sees me and he has some sort of cloth and he covers his penis and then he covers his nipples and then he just covers his belly button and he stops there. And I was like, I don't know that. What are we? At this point, none of them matter, buddy. Right. I've already seen it.

We walk by each other and as we walk by it. I was just sort of looking at him and he goes, he goes. chilly night, huh? Good evening. And then I said, Good evening to you? Yeah, and I said, how you doing? How's it going?

My strong Midwestern uncle dialect. How's it going? And we got about four breezy night there, sir. We got about four steps past each other, and I just heard him over his shoulder go, tease. And I'm like, who am I teasing?

What? Who my tease? I had a gay friend of mine be like, dude, I'm just telling you, your mustache is doing a lot of work in that story. That's right. And he also said to me, he said, congratulations. You've now unwittingly participated in the age-old gay tradition of cruising.

Nice. He was giving a tease because you guys looked at each other, but then you didn't really like respond. You responded in kind, but not kind enough. Don't you have to have eye contact for more than a few seconds? We'd had it. I would have said to him, Dan, I would have hooked up with you if you would have had closed-toed shoes on.

Care about the cruise. The reason I bring this up. care about the craft. I've still been talking about on stage, but the reason I bring it up is I am so enamored with the idea of, was he leaving somewhere naked? Was he going back home or heading some, leaving his home?

Like this woman in the car, I'm always like, when did we get naked? And when did we go, I got to drive somewhere, because we've all had times in our life on a vacation whenever you're like, oh shit, I'm driving without shoes on.

And it just happens. You know, you're in a beach city or something like that, up at the cabin. minutes happened to me. I'll drive down there really quick and go get the inner tubes. We left at the lake. But is there a better feeling in this world than getting into a car in summertime with the window

down with your shirt off? It's the best. No shirt on. It's kind of fun. And you're just cruising and the warm air is hitting your body. I've also got it sometimes just to protect the integrity of the shirt because it's so hot driving. Like when you get in the car, it's like, but like how does this woman go? Drugs and guns be damned.

I've got a. Right. Driving naked is not enough for this woman. Did she escape somewhere? Is she going to, are coming from? Who's the guy who's saying, Werewolves of London? Yeah, it's a Warren's Ivan.

Send guns and drugs and boobies. Naked woman driving with guns and drugs. Here we go, July 17th. A completely naked Mississippi woman, completely dancer. She doesn't have flip-lops on. Mississippi queen. Not even covering her navel. She doesn't cover in there.

She has a cloth up here. Tees. Tiz was driving erratically. If you're going to be naked and you're going to have guns and you're going to have drugs, stay between the lines. Exactly. Drive the speed limit. Don't drive erratically.

Don't be smart. Don't get in trouble while doing something in trouble. Don't make your trouble worse. Don't rob the bank with a broken tail line. Stay within the lines in a car containing marijuana and illegally, illegally modified firearms. So it wasn't even just firearms. It's like you're going to solve.

Saw off a pistol thing. Saw off a pistol? Yeah. When she was pulled over late Sunday evening. It's a sawed off pistol. Well, that is dangerous. That is going to blow up. They go in every direction.

Just a handle. You can't even shoot that. You literally... What's she doing? I think I caught some. Yeah, I think she did too. It went backwards. During a traffic stop in downtown Ellisville, and then they give the population.

You want to guess the population of Ellisville? They do? Yeah, you want to give the population of Ellisville? Well, it's got a downtown. I'm going to say, which means absolutely nothing, other than it's bigger than Germania, Wisconsin. How big is Ellisville? How many people? 178.

Okay. 178 people? That's it. In Ellisville. What do you think? I'm going to say. Downtown? Ellisville, Mississippi.

How, how, how? 4,700. What do you think? I'm going to go 2,200. Okay. Get your answers in townies. 4,650. What?

That is so unbelievable, Jay. Please discover that the driver. Caitlin Maxwell, 22 was... You're getting a goat named after you. Jazeem Maxwell. Caitlin Maxwell, K-A-T-E-L-Y-N. Get out of here. I gave her age.

She just... Maxwell. I didn't hear you. I just don't want to do it. I'll guess. 20-something, I know. 20-something, we'll guess. Was unencumbered by any clothing, right?

Maxwell, who was alone... You know, that cumbersome life? In her Dodge Challenger, which we can guess which... Of course it was a Dodge Challenger. Which reeked of hot, appeared to be under the influence. She did not get charged

stealing this car, this is her car? I think so. Because they would probably list it, right? A search of the vehicle turned up a Glock handgun at Maxwell's feet, and another Glock wedged between the passenger seat and the center console. In the trunk, the cops found... Gone on the floor is one of the dumbest parts about this. The cops...

No one's got pockets. Right? What if a goat gets into your car? They found another Glock in the trunk and two AR-15 rifles, one of which appeared to have been outfitted with a switch that would make it fully automatic. That was what I figured. Who is this gal? I thought it was happening.

Matthew was arrested on the assortment of felony misdemeanor counts for which she is locked up. And going to war. Yeah, exactly. Who's she mad at? Yeah, who wronged you? What was her bond? She's turning around like fucking John Wick. I know.

He heard it was hot in Iran. She had to get out there. It's got to get there right now. How much bond was she held for? Well, I mean, I think you're going to get wrong up. Although, I assume Mississippi has pretty lax gone lost. Right, exactly. $10,000.

$10,000. Now I'm thinking you're. too high. Be one for each person in town. One buck for each person in town. That's $4,670. I think in Mississippi an ounce of weed is like a brick of heroin. That they will get you on.

That's where the bond is high. Yes, you're right. That's where the bond goes out. Good comment. How much you think she was being held? I'm going to say $50,000. I don't know bail very well. I'll go 5G.

Okay. Get your answers in town. She was being held in kind of jail in lieu of $35,000. Oh, Matt. On it right there. On it. During police questioning, Maxwell said that her boyfriend, Sean Cooley, S-H-O-N, Sean. Which I'm guessing is news to him. Right, Cooley.

I'm boyfriend. That's how I find out. That's how we just hook it up. He's like spits a cereal out. I mean, he's like, we're just saying anything like. She's like Madsen in Kilbill sitting on the stoop of a trailer going, I mean, she got right to be pissed at me. But a boyfriend. Boyfriend.

A bit of a stretch. She's earned that right. We see other people. I mean, it's an open relationship. She knows this. She knows this. She knows. She knows.

She knows. She knows. She knows. He used a 3D pinter to make the switch. printer to make the switch or his switches. Oh, so we're getting his ass too. Yeah. Good.

Search of Kooley's residence resulted in his arrest for possession of... What was his name again? Sean Kooley. Kuhl. Good name. Yeah. A substitute. Search of Kooley's residence resulted in

possession of machine gun conversion devices and the seizure of a small arsenal. Coolies residents. Bluegrass band in Portland. Nothing in here is cool. Records to not indicate why Maxwell was, as one cop remarked, traveling buck naked. Can I just put this out to the police?

For all you fuckers who just need to put so much on Facebook, they post all this shit. The only thing anyone wants to know in this story is why she was naked. Why? I don't even care. I want to know the answer she gives you, even if that's Bullshit. He forgot to 3D prank my clothes.

Yes. But we also want to know what she looks like, though. Right. According to this war machine, she was naked because of blank. She's not ugly. Can I see? That's a, that's a bad picture. Relevant to her at all.

I like that she looks like she's shrugging. They don't like us. What are you going to do? But here's the thing with her. So like, you know how there are these people. There are these criminals that have like, just they look hard. They look like hard people.

Yes. She looks kind of like, right. Have you guys seen mug shorties on Twitter? No. It's this account that's like all beautiful women and their mug shots.

But the thing is with her, she looks like she is a nice waitress at a dime. Yes. She looks like Pam from the office. See, the things I want to know. Top off here. I want to know. Like I said,

why are you naked? I already made a joke about it, but I want to know, what is she listening to in the car? Audio book? That would blow my mind. A video book would be incredible. How to like...

NPR? Win friends and influence people. Olivia, Olivia Dean. Welcome back. Welcome back to our show. I'm Averick Glass. W.B.E.Z. Like, is that what she's like... Act two. What do you do when you have too many guns?

Naked and a challenger. What year do you think the dodger was? When the challenger is you. When you get challenged by life. How... What year do you think the dog... AK-47. Not okay. Well, it could be classic, but we don't think it is, right?

Nobody here thinks for Rock on a 71. Challenger? I don't know. What do you think? I'm thinking 2012 for some reason. Or it's Charger only old and Challenger is new. I think it's Charger. Did I say Challenger? It might be a Charger. Either way. Either way, it's within the last 12 years. I'm going to go a 2015.

I'm going to say 2018. Challenger, and the answer is 2017. Oh, right. Nice game. All right. The last thing we'll say is two more guesses. One is how old is she? You saw the picture of her and I said she was in her 20, so how old is she? That is, it's still tough. It's still tough.

I give you a 10-year range, Matt. Because also they took her photo with a goddamn flip phone. I know. From low angle, no lighting. They need Trump's photographer, you know. This is grainer than like Bigfoot. Yeah. How old is she?

I'm going to say, based on that picture, I'm going to say 23. Okay, go ahead. You go, Jay. I'll say 21. Yeah, it is down there. But you know what? You're going to split the diff? What are you doing?

No, I'll go up. I'm going to go 25 years on. Okay. But I do feel like it's low. because this gal is 22 years. Oh, you guys, I should have spent the dip.

I was trying to tell you. Randomly, I was trying to get you in there, Dan. And the last thing before we get to the last story, is what time was she pulled over driving erratically? I'll see this again. Should have been, and no matter what time it is,

it makes me want to know more why are we naked. Okay, exactly. Oh, man, that's a tough one. But I'm going to go seemingly a more appropriate naked time. Okay. I'll go 2 a.m.

Okay. 8 p.m. I'm going to zag just because I like the idea of 10 a.m. 10 a. 10 a.m. Make it a rite. I like starting your day off. Yes.

It's like the mcreddle of crime. Or that could be the end of a long night. You know what I mean? Like 10 a. It all started. Right. Yeah. Get your answers in because she only delivers those guns during business hours.

She does. The only time she can select the post office. That's right. So she is she did all of this at 9.40 p.m. very good. Prime time. All right. That is story two down in the books when we come back.

Daniel Van Kirst is going to tell us where you can find him and see him and follow him and all that great stuff. The special is out. It is fantastic or it's out on September 9th. One more time telling the name of the special. It's called altered reality. Altered reality. And it's at full charge. And the tagline is, can Jesus Christ save this sleazy atheist?

No. So check it out. You got to watch. That's my clickbait. You got to watch to find out. That's right. Tune in. We got one more story, Dan.

You'll take us back. It's Dump People Town with Matt Fulcheron. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunger Down is Stump People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into this last story, Daniel,

let him know. Tell people where they can find you. October 21st. I'm going to be at Duckworths in Charlotte, North Carolina. October 29th, I'm going to be at the Red Line in Cohasset, Massachusetts. Fine. Phoenix is happening in December. I'm doing a casino.

outside of Portland. Chinook wins. And that's in December as well. And then in between that, I'll also be a flyover comedy festival. There's a much of more dates. Everything's at Daniel van kirk.com. If you've heard me talk about my shows that I do in Chicago for Hub City Comedy Week every summer, I'm going to be doing some of those shows, really fun premise-based shows,

stand-up shows other than maybe shot for shot. Everything's going to be happening when we're all in St. Love it. I absolutely love being there with you guys. I love it. It's our hometown. It's our hometown. Just a good time.

I'm cooking. Where are you from originally? I'm from Maryland. I was just in Chicago. Where'd you do shows? There's this great place in Oak Park called the Comedy Plex. Nice. And it's so great.

It's one of those basement clubs where the ceiling is just a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Touch on the top of your head. So cool. Perfect. I love it. All right. We're ready for story number three?

Yep. Sent by Alvin Cadabay at A Cadabay 36. We love those eggs. Every Easter, get the Cadetabay eggs. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I'm going to switch this. Okay, there we go.

All right, here we go. Yep. I just had to move things a little bit. Moving around. We've got a big scandal. Oh, I love it. We got a big scandal. I love it.

This was sending a few years ago. We never actually got to it. That's good. Fisherman who allegedly stuffed fish with weights to win tournament are sentenced to jail. Yeah, you can't do that. This is dumb. People take this so seriously. We had...

Money changed hands. There used to be a thing in Princeton, Wisconsin, near my family's cabin, called the chicken fling. And you would see how far you can... I guess, I was going to say what it was. Go ahead. Throw a chicken. I mean, go.

Throw a rubber chicken. Oh, okay. So how far you could throw a rubber chicken? Right. And there was a guy who won it like three or four years in a row and he put out a whole bunch of pomp in circumstances. He would wear a full tuxedo and a top hat. Okay. The Joey chestnut of chicken throwing.

Top hat? Who is he like the monopoly guy? One year. Somebody picked up his rubber chicken for him. Thought it felt funny. He was putting, he was waiting. He was putting. Oh.

Like metal balls into the chicken throat, and then that's how he won. And then they, like, canceled the chicken fling. Everybody fell so betrayed, never came back. They never did it again. Well, you got it. He ruined it for everyone of the chicken fling. He destroyed the event. Yes.

He destroyed the, you talk about the integrity of a shirt. He did more damage to chicken than Salmonella. I would agree. We're talking about a guy. Minio. Well, two fishermen have to suffer the consequences of cheating in a competition after officials discovered they stuffed their fish, with lead weights.

Oh my God. According to, if you, if you need an idea how much these people want to break, according to CNN. They're like, can we please report something else? If we talk about anything else. Anything but Trump. Here's my question, though. Like, how do you know? Do is it just people see a fish of a certain size and they say, and they're like, there's no way that.

There's no way that weighs what that is. You would think. These are names from a 1970s cop show. Let's hear it. Jacob Runyon and Chase Kaminsky. In my office. Now. Runyon, Kaminsky, get in here!

That report better be on my desk by 0,900 hours, or you're gone, Kaminsky. You son of a bee, I know what you've been doing. Boss, she was naked. Forget about the gun. She was naked. We're not forgetting anything. You're loading fish with weights, and if you're doing that, you're off the phone. Cut the guts open.

Cut the guts open, Kaminsky. Jacob Runyon. Also, it's perfect because it would be a 70 sitcom because someone, a writer who lives in LA would be like, I'm just going to call it Runyon. Yeah, totally. They're named after the canyon. Jacob Runyon and Chase Kaminsky took part in the Lake Erie Waleye Trail fishing tournament where they were set to win prize money worth how much?

What do you think is at stake here? I think it's real money. For these guys to be like, we're going to. I'm going to say $18,000. $18,000 from Randy's Clark. $10,000 from Jason, Matt. I'm going to go the other way. I think these guys got nothing better to do and they just want to win.

For the love of the game. The $500. Oh, yeah. They were set to win prize money worth 28,07. Oh my God. We got some real money. We got about three stacks. Life-changing money.

That's what's cheating for, I would say. Things were going. Drop those weights in. I am not making this up and it didn't hit me until I just read it now. Things were going smoothly for Jacob Runyon and Chase Kaminsky until Jason Fisher. His name is Fisher. No. His name is your king.

He even lock in on that until just now. He's like, I should be winning. He's the director of the Lake Erie Walleye Trail. Of course he is. I'm glad he calls these guys, but I can already tell you, this guy's a son of a bitch. He takes himself way too seriously. Yes. He's a stickler.

He's mad about the banner. He sent that banner back three times. He wants people to call him the commish. Yes. Ask for the fish, the fish, the fish. The fish commission. Yes.

Well, you call me the fish commish. The fish or commissioner. Jason, we got a problem. I don't know who Jason is. I don't know who Jason is. Address me the way I should. Address me as a, all right. The fish commission.

He's the director. I got my side eye on you. Yes. My walleye on you. He's the director of the Lake Erie Walai Trail tournament. He became suspicious of the fish that Jacob and Chase. Of course it is. Yeah.

Running and Kaminsky were disqualified after officials saw. That's them. This is a flex by them. And you know who I say running in and Kamiski are. The new Rosolian Isles, you always say. Of the lake. The walleye fishing company. Yes.

But this is a flex when they go, how did you know? And they go, because I saw the walleye fish that they caught. I thought they looked to weigh about four pounds. These guys are eyeball. On the eye test. Like they work at a fucking six flags and you're walking by. I mean, how much weight did they put in there? Like a four pound fish, they're like, this is 26.

I'm going to ask you right now. Yeah, exactly. They ended up. So they looked. Like they were four pounds. They looked like they were four pounds. But they weighed. They ended up weighing how much?

How much do you think they weighed them down with? Now, if they're smart, it's just like five pounds. They're not smart. No. We know they're not smart because they got God. They got greedy. When you get God in this scam, you're not smart. Like, there's a window where you could have pulled it off.

Still one. Right. But like, if you just would have been like 4.7 pounds, 4.8 pounds. Barry Bonds. You turn into Barry Bonds of fishing. Barry Bonds this. I'm going to say, oh, did you guess? Um, I'm gonna say...

They said there were four pounds each. He just completely, they completely blew it and went seven pounds. Okay. I said five. Go ahead. I said ten. One of you is exactly right. Oh, I'm staying.

We'll play the game now. Who do you think is right? You can stick with yourself or jump on somebody else's lily pad. Sticking on five. Sticking, betting on me. They ended up weighing closer to seven pounds. Hey! Now that's a dumb fisherman.

That's almost double the way. Almost double. You double it. In a viral video, Fisherer, can be seen cutting the fish open and pulling out what he said was a lead ball. Fisher released photos showing the metal objects pulled from the walleye, which were allegedly

put there by Runny and Kaminsky to increase the weight of their catch. So they catch the fish and when they go over to take it off the thing, they drop a little, it's like a trump caddy dropping a ball. Or they pre-bring them. We could all see it. Or they pre-bring them. Oh, they pre-bring the wall. They got them on the boat before they even leave.

Yeah. Pull it up into the thing and then switch it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's people who have done stuff like that. We'll have people meet them on the lake with fish they've caught at other times. The level of cheating. The thing is and what it is is they got too greedy. Seven pounds. You look at a four pounds.

You can't do that. The fish doesn't look that heavy. They don't look double. Yeah. Why be suspicious? The fisherman pleaded. Pleaded. Pleaded guilty.

Why didn't you say pledged? Pled guilty. Pleaded guilty to charges of cheating and unlawful ownership of wild animals. See, because they brought them. Yeah. They received additional charges of attempted grand theft and possessing criminal tools, but those were dropped as part of the deal. I would say everybody who wants to gets to punch them in the face just for being mean to animals.

Just on the cruelty to animal, I get to punch you in the face. One pop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll let you like come to. We'll get some selling salts. And then the next guy or woman gets to come punch you too. Yeah, I agree. Good policy.

Solid. You heard an animal. You're cool with getting fucked with, right? You fucked with them? All right. I'm all over the place here. Both Runyon and Kamiski will each serve 10 days in jail and serve six months probation according to court documents. They're also required to forfeit their boat and trailer to the Ohio Department of Natural Resources.

O'DNR if you're nasty. So what are you in for? It's the division of wildlife for the OD&A. And they had their state fishing license suspended for three years. Should have been life. No joke. You gave it up. In fact, I would go, here's a deal.

Hope it was worth it. Ten years, no fishing at all. Right. After 10 years, you can fish again. Bank, you are never allowed to fish on a boat again the rest of your life. You got to bank it, river it. For 15 years, you're not allowed to go to a long john Silvers. And once a year, someone does get to punch you in the face.

Yeah. How about they put lead balls down your mouth. Runyon and Comiske. They should have to do that and then pass it. Swallow a leg ball. Runyon and Kaminsky were each hit with a $2,500 fine. But according to court documents, half of that could be suspended. if the fishermen make a charitable $1,250 donation to a nonprofit organization.

How about the... To which I go, then it's not suspended because they still spend half the money. That's just you spending it in the right way. Okay. Last thing. This is crazy. How old is Jacob? How old is Chase?

Give me your answers in that order. Jacob and Chase. I think these guys have had a couple... We will not play any extra games. I will just read it off after I get the answers from you guys. I think these guys have had a couple dreams. die. I think, I think.

They feel weighted down by life. Maybe a divorce. That's a good one. Thank you. I'm going to say, I forget their names, but it doesn't matter. Jacob and Chase. Jacob and Chase. Jacob is 32.

Because that's old in this town. Life expects a grisle. And the second guy is 35. We all agree, all agree that they both smoke. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Maybe dip. Okay. So you said Chase is 30.

and you said... Jacob is 32. Jacob is 32. Okay. Jay. I'm going to say 39, Chase, Jacob 41. So 41 and 39. That's the order is Jacob.

Okay. 41, 39. And I'm going to say 52 and 61. Wow. Jacob is 43 years ago. Oh, nice. Yes. Great.

Chase is... It's a young guy's name. 36. You know 35, right? Beautiful. That's good, though. That's a story. That's a show.

There you go. Guys, Matt Fultron. He's an alternate reality. Right? Yes. Altered. Altered. Altered.

It's a fun. It's a fun. Altered. It's like going to the altar. Altered reality. Check it out on YouTube. Support this comic. He's great.

One of the best to do it. And someone we've gotten to know and love through the years of doing comedy. So happy that you've so. Happy that you joined us on the show, bro. It was my pleasure. It was really great. I love you guys so much. Love it.

And come see us and follow Daniel Van Kirk and oh snap, we got to get back to work. We'll see you. Peace.