Dumb People Town - Michael Strassner - Baltimoron

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Actor/writer Michael Strassner (Baltimorons on demand) stops by as Daniel describes how a man attacked state troopers with an excavator to prevent them from arresting his son, Jason explains why a "bored" motorist rammed a police car that was conducting a traffic stop, and Randy warns against refusing to pay an escort who has silly string in her purse, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: BetterHelp! This World Mental Health Day, we’re celebrating the therapists who’ve helped millions of people take a step forward. If you’re ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/DPT.

On today's episode of Dumb People Town, we've got an excavator attacking cops, we've got a car attacking cops, and we've got the craziest, silliest assault you'll ever see. Michael Straster of the fantastic movie Baltimoreans is with us. It's all on Dump People Town. Don't miss it. Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of coke so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose. The life they choose will make the news. Breaking down each epic fail. in Florida there's half price bail

I'm happy to say they couldn't make this dumb so listen to our podcast band with co-host our man Dan Man jerk don't be a jerk because when the music which the funny hits

and we are gonna take you down stick around make a sound hunger down is dumb people town Hey Tadies welcome another episode of Dumb People Town Population Straussner

Michael Strassner. Hey, thanks for having me. Good to be here. I'm a big fan of the Strassner method of acting. I re-went and studied at the Strassner School for acting. Did you really? You started.

I did, yep. 80 years ago. I am now 85. You look great. Remarkably well preserved. And I was five years old when I started this wonderful acting studio. I can't believe people were like, there were adults who said, I'm going to listen to a five. To this guy.

Tell me how to behave. Yeah. How to act. I mean, children just act that way. There's no inhibition whatsoever And they're not thinking How do I behave in this situation, right, Dan? Exactly.

Yes. So, Randy... Just drew me a curveball. No look past from Randy at the end of a sentence. Right? Right? Yeah. I don't know.

I wasn't there. I was actually just picturing getting notes from kids on set. And how... Can you be better? I don't like it. How that would also be a hilarious show. It hurts my feelings. I don't believe you.

I don't believe it. So you have a movie that is out that we will talk about. The Baltimoreans. If you haven't seen it yet, you've got to get out and see it. You will. We'll get into it in a little bit. But also, we've got a lot of stuff happening. But let's jump into the dumb right away.

There is a lot of dumb in this world. This is sent in by Charlie Schulman at Monotone Charlie. Love you, Charlie. I hope you're great. The iron bed frames of Charlie Schulman's bedroom. All right, here's the headline. Yes. Man assaults troopers.

with excavator in an attempt to stop son's arrest Oh my God So father's son Father's son That's all the things are father's son If my son was getting pulled away

And I had access to an excavator Maybe I'd rub up a car On your watch I'm gonna be stupid What's an excavator? It's a giant with the thing That has the scooper If you were going to build a pool

We got a photo here And we have a photo up on the screen It's a scooper It's that Gotcha So if your son's a son being arrested and you're like how do I stop this let me find a piece of large machinery I mean you can do some damage with that well and I feel like that goes about five miles

per hour so his son could be what 40 miles away yes low speed chase and he's trying to catch out or I'm coming it wasn't even about that Vermont troopers were shot this feels like such a Vermont thing too of course to like have a construction incident they were shocked when what should have been a simple arrest spiraled into an attack involving heavy construction equipment last week. To me, I feel like I will,

if I do something worse, then they're going to get me and let you go. I'd rather it be me. Yeah. Also, imagine all the kids who just watched this in awe and wonder. I mean, talk about a five-year-old kid

is like, you can do that. Wow. And I think the sun was just getting a DUI, right? Totally. For operating an excavator wall. Exactly. The two troopers were investigating an alleged aggravated assault

and battery suspect by the name of Brandon Tallman Oh, Brandon's getting so tall He's gotten so big, eh, Brian and that's a Vermont accent if I've ever heard of it. This is Vermont have an accent. I think it's like, isn't it like very like prestigious? Yeah.

Like, oh, regal. A little waspy. We're from Stu. Well, they were investigating the alleged aggravated assault by Brandon Tolman at his home in Hardwick, Vermont on June 14th, according to a press release from the Vermont State Police, but they did not expect his parents to put up such a fight.

Honey, go get the excavator. Dashboard footage captured the suspect's mother, Amy Tallman, charging at the officers, visible in a black dress and white sneakers. Dress. She was shown grabbing onto her son and attempting to tackle him apart from the troopers. So she's trying to pull him away. tackling him and stuff him back in her vagina and say whatever's going to work this I'm going to put while that scuffle went on you were a mistake yeah well and she was at it sounds like a dance church

class because it's a black dress with white sneakers yeah isn't that a cake song I want a girl with a black dress and a white sneakers while that scuffle went on yeah Brandon's father whose name you already knew was Wayne Wayne Tallman got into the cab of an exavator in the driveway and began swinging its bucket at the troopers. Who's the foreman on this site? Who's the foreman on this site? Wayne Tallman, get him over here. Yes, it's not about the excavator moving or a chase or anything.

He's just using the arm and bucket to start taking people out. Okay, if you, I mean, that could kill you. A hundred percent. If you see a bucket coming at you, and it will be coming slower than you think, but it will destroy it. No, it would hurt you. A hundred percent. Yeah.

But it is, too. It's more graphic. I mean, you can get a good swing going on that thing. You can. No, it's not a carnival ride, dude. No, you can, no, because they rotate. So if you're, if it's already dropped and you're just spinning the cab. Yes.

But if you're these cops and you're like, it's just assault and battery, we're going to go get this guy. And then you show up in a full-on parent fight. Oh, no, the parent, the mom, I can't tell if the mama bear are going to be protected. Well, I can't tell if she was just mad at her kid. Yeah, tackling him to be like, how could it be so stupid? idiot and then the dad is like get off of him maybe the dad is like let the cops do their job yeah it reminds me of the opening of magnolia yes uh fair where the father and mom are fighting and then the son pees himself yeah yeah yeah yeah spoiler alert just isn't one of those things

spoiler alert one of the startled to i put that mildly cops uh yes yeah yeah oh my god if you're a vermont like part of vermont's finest trooper yeah you have to wear the hat and i'm assuming you ride a moose but like you're assuming you have sap right yeah just like you're your day to day duties are just to make sure that like nobody's chopping down syrup trees well he's no one's being a dick and hit troopers stealing ben and jerry's all the vermont stuff state trooper or state police said wayne proceeded to operate an excavator and recklessly maneuvered the bucket near the troopers and their cruisers and attempt to prevent them from arresting his son the suspect one of the startled troopers that's an understatement ran to point his gun at the father

which is the wildest description first of all i don't why is the gun not on you you're running hey when i get over there i'm gonna point this at you it's still in like he left it in the car it's like sitting in the the bucket i was trying to get my gun to point at it i was running to get the point that's so we obviously we also have reached the point in this story where you if you're a cop you do need to withdraw you're going to go stop right yeah this is that yeah it's not even pointing it's like i'm going to shoot you yes if you don't stop because you're literally trying to hit cops with like a thousand pound machinery yeah stop this also feels like florida not vermont i know they were on vacation we've we do summers in vermont yeah winters down in florida that guy that officer

did not shoot state police said they addressed the threat that wayne had caused with the bucket and the excavator. An excavator can weigh up to 900 pounds when empty, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. But this way, that. Why is that who knows this? Right. Exactly. An excavator can weigh 900 pounds when empty according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That's the governing body on the weight of construction. Don't ask at this point. Yeah, at this point, that's what CDDC does. Right. Well, they're no longer doing vaccines. So they're like now, surprise. Let's get into extra Excavating weights. Wights and measures.

For disease control and prevention. Sure. Since 2019... I heard excavators can cause autism. Or treat it. Treat it. Since 2019, three deaths have been reported as a result of an excavator bucket falling from a quick coupler and crushing a worker.

The occupational safety and health administration, now why aren't they more involved? They should have given us the numbers. They prohibit working underneath or within the... the swing radius of an excavator. So that's, it's all, we're already dangerous when this guy starts. And that's according to the FDA, the Food and Drug Administration? Yes. Okay.

Making sure. The SEC, who actually governs the movement of excavators. And you're talking about the southeastern conference in football. 100%. You didn't know? No, I do. Obviously, I do. The ACC.

They don't have, Vermont state police captain, Matt Daly, told local station WCAX. They don't have a scenario at the academy that where we, you know, practice this one. None. You better get one. You better get one. Construction equipment dodging? Yeah. No. Or, fighting the parents of the person you're going to arrest?

Well, I feel like this is going to be coming to NBC. Very sure. Right? Exactly. Back then, there you go. The troopers arrested Brandon for aggravated assault, burglary unlawful mischief. I don't have ever had unlawful mischief. We haven't seen a construction worker fight. I got a cop since the village people broke up. That was very

mischievous. It was. That was. Different kind of got him on a resisting arrest. His father, who was also arrested on charges of aggravated assault and on a protected official resisting arrest, impeding and reckless endangerment, while the mother was issued a citation for impeding an officer. So what she did was just enough to go, we're going to write you. We're going to write you. My mom got a citation once. She did? Yes. So we, back in the day, growing up in Baltimore. Baltimore, but we were in Ocean City, Maryland. Ocean City. Ocean City. Go out of Roysters Town. Exactly. Go ahead of Hammerjack.

And we... Did you go to hammer jacks ever? Yeah, oh yeah. See a quarterfayish cover band. They were called... They're called eighth flash. She didn't play the six foot. She played a piccolo.

Anyway, sorry. This story's going to be way worse than all the... Mom citation. Mom citation. We were in Ocean City. We were trying to catch seagulls on our bodies. So we would put a towel over our bodies. Get a pal.

And then we put thrashers fries on top of us on top of the towel on top of the towel and then and then when we sit trying to close it around yeah and and so when the bird was on this is white trash fishing exactly yes yes and so when the bird was on us we would yell bird bird and then we get the bird and then this lady yeah pull the towel over the bird and then what do you do with it well that's the thing so the lady this random lady was like oh what did you catch and we were like a seagull she goes that's animal cruelty and she ran and got a police officer that's right that's right and Your mom's fully sanctioning this.

Yeah, well, she's just, so what she got a citation for. Fun mom. She was an accomplice because she bought the fries. That's right. Oh, my gosh. So we got all in trouble for it. Because they were beer battered. Yeah.

And his Seagulls like those beer battered fries. You get a hammer jack, pour it all over it. And we let the Seagull go. I think his wing was like a little, you know. Whatever. Seagulls are dicks. They're the biggest dicks of the, that's why we were like, why do. I don't want to be cool to an animal, but like, they do.

Pigeon trapping. They are sea pigeons. Yes. So what have? I will ask you this. Jesus. And after. I can't believe that happened to your mom.

After you guess, I'll show you. But how old is Brandon Tolman? His son. Whose parents are still out here fighting. Fighting the good fight for their son. Now, it could be that they're elderly. Yeah. And their son is middle age.

He's like, he's way too young. And they're like, not my baby boy. Like adolescence. Yeah. Yeah. I think he's. You are our guest. Where do you want to go?

What do you think? Oh, man. You got the mom in a dress and white shoes. I was even thinking 13 or 40. Yeah, so go. I'll go 40. My favorite Jennifer Garner movie. 13 or 40?

I'm going to do 26. That's the number that just flashed at me. I'm going to say he's 19. 19? Okay. One of you is only one year off. So you now all have the option to go up a year or down a year from your guess. 25?

20. 39. 39. Brandon Tallman. I'll show you the photo right after I say it, because. Brandon Tallman is... Oh, I'm sorry, you were not one year off, but you're still close. Is 24 years old?

You got with the years old. Me, me, me. Look at him. Is that kid worth fighting for? No. Not with that necklace. No. Why is he wearing... He's wearing a permanent V for Vendetta mask.

And he's wearing... Oh, my God. Doesn't he look like the V for Vendetta mask? Totally. He does. And what is... Is that a scar or is that a... I think that's tussle.

That's from the tussle. That's from the tussle. And of course, he's grinning a little bit. He's like, I almost got away with it. He's grinning and bearing it. God, I love my parents. Who has the best parents ever? This guy.

Yeah. And two thumbs, this guy. Wayne and. Amy. No, no, wasn't Amy. You're sure? Amy Tallman. It was Amy Tallman.

I don't know why we're this guy. Doubting a guy who caught a seagull. There you go. All right, that is story number one. Michael Strostner is our guest. He's in the new movie Baltimoreans. We'll talk about on the other side of the break. It's dumb people town.

Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunger Down is Dump People Town. Hey, Townies, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Oh, I love it. Because October 10th is World Mental Health Day. Did you guys know that?

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of people take to take a step forward yes if you're ready to find the right therapist for you BetterHelp can help you start with that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash D-P-T. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P-T.com slash D-P-T. Stick around, make a sound, talk you're down, it's don't people town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into Michael Strassner, his movie, which very excited about that, to tell you about that. Daniel, let people know where people can see it.

Go to Daniel Vancirk.com. can listen to my podcast as well as this great one. As far as this podcast goes, you should join up for the Patreon. Oh, it's so fun. It's us just hanging out and talking. We were talking today being like, oh, for our next Patreon, did we just talk about a movie we went and saw? So it's a hang.

It's stories. It's sometimes short stories that maybe don't fit on the show. Stories from our lives. Yes. It's a great time. So you should sign up for that. Otherwise, you could listen to the Midnight Air, which is my overnight radio podcast that I do over a week.

It's just a fun, light, listen for while you're going to sleep or trying to stay awake on road trip whatever you want and then see me live i'll be at the flyover comedy festival the 13th through the 16th of november all leading up to the 16th where we do a live dump people telling me and these boys right here rory scobble and rory scowbell will be a guest we have a greenly it's a great time and the pageant in st louis on sunday the 16th and then on november 22nd i'm doing the habitat for humanity fundraising show you can come out your money goes to a great cause and we're going to have a great time that's in bloomington indiana everything's at daniel van kirk dieg yeah all right let's talk bala Lastner, let's talk about it, Baltimoreans.

Oh, boy. Great, you wrote it, starring it, and you made it with the Duplas bros. Yes. I mean, how did that happen? How did you get to them and? Well, yeah, I mean, so I wrote it with Jay, uh, Jay Duplus. Did he direct it? He directed it.

Yes, indeed. I love those boys. I freaking love those boys. They're awesome. They're the best guys in the world, truly. At Jay, I noticed that he, we became friends like every relationship in 2020. He followed me on Instagram. Of course.

I love it. putting up dumb comedy videos like Buffalo Bill talking to his Alexa phenomenal I'd be like Alexa where can I buy skin Alexa would come in and be like you can get skincare products I was like human skin all green yeah and

it puts the dining room lights on exactly it puts the dining room lights on Alexa would you fuck me I'd fuck it and I noticed Jay followed me so I was like oh my god this is the coolest thing amazing and I was working on a short film at the time and I was like I'm just going to shoot my shot

send him a DM, see if he can help me out. Yeah. He got back to me six months later, and he's like, dude, I'm super old. I don't know how Instagram works. I thought DMs were for sex. You're like, good news. Yes. They are.

They are. And we're in. And we're in. And he's like, please send me your script. You know, I think you're super funny. I sent it to him. He's like, come over my house. And I have been doing Buffalo Bill impersonations, and you want me to go over to your house.

Yeah. Weird. Yeah, weird. Yeah, weird. And then I show up, he helps me with my short, we become friends. I then as a thank you take him out to lunch at the end of 2022, and I tell him a little about my story and how I got sober. And, you know, the opening scene of the movie is a failed suicide attempt.

And I told him the only reason why I'm still here is because the belt broke and I was a little bit of holiday wait. Hey now, holiday wait. And he laughed. And I was like, yeah, it's okay to laugh. And little do I know that he was concocting like a script in his head. about my life and he called me six months later and he said i want to back in someone's life into a movie and you're the first person that came to mind do you want to do it oh my god that's amazing

and i was like yeah uh yes uh yes i would like to do you were like please get out of my dms yes exactly and into my car i'm trying that's not what this is for i'm trying to launch my own film career and now you're interfering god jay god please don't do that and then so we basically just we wrote it together um i would go over his house i would tell him a little bit more stories about my life and um and then uh he put it into a structure yeah he put in the structure and then we also did it by because i'm from baltimore and he was like i really want to shoot it back in your hometown i kind of be like a little bit of an origin story yes and also that's where we had a ton of free locations there you go yes so we wrote down like all these places that we think we could

get or that we have like my biology teacher from high school was sick and tired of teaching kids like me and he became a dentist yeah i was like Can we shoot in your dentist's office? Yeah, can we shoot your dentist's office? And he was like, hell yeah, brother, I've always wanted to make a movie. Great. And so that's what made our, so it's loosely based. So it's the kind of synopsis is a recently sober guy has a dental emergency on Christmas Eve and spends his whole day with his dentist.

That phenomenal. Great idea. Small and, God, I missed those. Small and simple. So I think, honestly, like the big end. movies have all filtered into like something from the Marvel universe or some

giant action movie and we've lost the middle but what I think will rise up are stories like this. Small stories with Splitsville this like I believe there is a market which is great for us because we're writing two movies of that size right now. I mean that's been like the I mean

truly it's like that's what I want to see and I think there's a huge audience for it because it's like and the response that we've got And, you know, we premiered it South by Southwest. Amazing. We won the audience award there. Great. Again, against, like, movies that have big stars and all this thing.

Right, because we were like, FF2 stars. I actually want this movie to do. Well, but also, it doesn't need to be that big of an audience to make what it costs to make it and then to show success. Yeah. Well, and the risk is lower. Exactly. And, you know, IFC purchased it. Great.

And they, like, you know, we were still selling. out theaters in Baltimore for this movie. And I think it's just passed over a million dollars in the box office for this little movie. Let's go. And it will only do well when it's on the streaming things and it goes to that service. So it's in a couple theaters still now till when? So probably, I mean, it's playing in Baltimore, I think. Forever. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be. This will become Rocky Horror in Baltimore. Exactly. Truly. I mean, we actually, I think get the key to the city. I mean, there's a world where we might be going back in December to do a Christmas screening at this old school theater

where we actually had a premiere it was the best Wednesday of my life by the way was the premiere in Baltimore let me just tell you I got to go to Camden Yards Oh my God throw out the first Yes you did! Then downstairs after I changed We were in the we were walking out

of the players exit Cow Ripkin walks in come on I get a picture with Cow Ripkin No way this is like next level Kevin Koster fucked your wife What? What? What? Oh my God My fiancee was there and then they take me to the premiere at the senator,

which is like the oldest theater in Baltimore. 750 people sold out. Hell yes. We were walking, and then we walked into it. They were already giving standing ovation. I was like, guys, you haven't even seen the movie yet. Wait until you see it. You don't even know.

But I'll take it. Yeah, but I'll take it. Was Jay there with you? Jay was there. So he got to see this exciting election. Oh, my God. He was like so cool. Yeah, I mean, and it's just.

What's our next movie? Exactly. Well, no, but that's just. a good bet on his part. He was like, my instincts were right. His instincts were right to get with you. You proved him right. Well, and that's what, because everybody was telling him, you can't make an independent movie without any stars. Nothing is selling and everything is going to streaming. And he made a movie without any stars. He says, this is not my words, but his, he's like, Michael's not a movie star, but once you see the movie, he possibly will be.

Actually what he says. Michael's not a movie star and he'll never be. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That is my point. That's so mean. Why? Why would he say that to you? I know. It's such a nightmare. God. I don't care what he does or how to do it. And a theatrical.

And we sold it. And not only a theatrical, we played in like 500 or 600 theaters across the U.S. And like that's really, that's. I saw buzz about it. So I was on my radar and obviously I knew Jay and I'm prone to that, but it was in my brain. Oh, dude, I'm so happy for you. So everybody get out and see that. This is what you need to do.

If you love us, you're listening to a podcast. You obviously support like independent. like work and how stuff gets made please support this movie. If Baltimoreans is playing in your city, you owe it to this movie and all movies of its ilk if you want to see Dan's Dan was in a great freaking movie.

Wine club. We have two movies that we're writing like this is how these movies continue to get made. We've got to support them. Yeah, 100%. And I think it's going to be on video on demand probably in the next couple weeks on Amazon and Apple TV or Apple Plus

all those. Yeah. So So support it while we still can kind of use the funds. Yeah, and leave good reviews. Don't shit on. It's an independent movie. Come on, guys. Just make it. All right, should we jump in another story?

All right, yeah, let's do it right now. All right. This is where, at the end of this one, we're going to play a game, since we're talking about location so much. Which home state is this idiot? Maryland, Missouri. It's Maryland, Missouri, Illinois. Okay. Board motorists purposely rams cars into police cruiser during traffic stop.

quote I hate cops so this is a theme that's developing throughout this show people attacking the cops stop with vehicles yeah but at least one guy just really loved his kid yeah I mean that was about I would say the mom really loved the kid dad probably dad probably just wanted to get into some construction equipment I felt like the one before was very silver lines playbook yeah very a deranged motorist purposely drove his car into the back of a police SUV during a traffic stop then bizarrely told officers he did it because he was bored and hates cops. Okay.

Well, you got to have a better. Pick one. Yeah. Because those are two very different things. Pick one. Because if you have a ton of hate, you're usually pretty jacked up. You're not bored. Yeah, you're not bored.

No. I'm bored and I hate cops, so I did it. I'm tired and I also am on cocaine. Nope. No, that's not. You can't be both of those things. I'm sleepy and I'm on camera. Body camera footage captures a, I can't say the name where it is,

police officer stepping out of his cruiser during a Wednesday traffic stop when Cajon L. Jennings crashes his gray 2018 Chevrolet Camaro. It is a Camaro. It is a Camaro, so it's coming at its speed into the back of the patrol car, missing the officer by inches and nearly crushing him between the two vehicles. Damn. Seconds after the crash, Jennings and I won't tell you how old he is because we'll guess later,

appears out of his wrecked car and asks the officer, what happened? What? Isn't that a great one? that's what happened let me come out and and great line that's a great first line for a character and what happens yeah slams directly into a cop car gets out says what happened what happened cop tops them with you tell me do that's so good that's a good comeback how fast was I going you tell me the question with a question what's a cop what's a cop what's a cop what's a cop what happened I mean by the way also amazing that the cop wasn't like get on the ground right now and pull his weapon

for something. Well, I'm sure at the moment, he literally doesn't know what the fuck just happened. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's like, maybe the guy fell asleep at the wheel. Maybe the guy had a heart attack. Right. Did your car just lose control? Because the heart attack thing did happen at Baby Blues in, uh, oh, you know that at the West Hollywood?

A guy had a heart attack and went into the restaurant and crashed in there. It's not a drive-through, sir. There's a restaurant in Madison, Wisconsin, called Halong Bay. It is the best Vietnamese food ever, maybe even including in Vietnam. I'm just making that claim.

I'm personal Vietnam. And there's a story that, you know, we have to wait two, three hours to get a table. There's a story that a car, maybe someone was drunk, whatever, drove and crashed into the restaurant. People at tables who were waiting for their food did not get up because they're like, we waited two hours and we already ordered. And we ordered. They should bring us our food.

Where's my foe? Yeah. Before I get out of here, I'm meeting these flat noodles. So he says what happened and he said, you tell me. And then Jennings, as if this is great dialogue. I mean, talk about movie writing. If we wrote this dialogue, we'd be proud of ourselves. You tell me.

I need a new car, Jennings. All right. That's good, tight writing. Yes, this is very tight. What happened? You tell me, I need a new car. Before being instructed by the cops. What's your credit score?

That's right. Is that the next one? Talking about Transunion or Equifax? Looks like we both do. So he took, said to take a seat, join the club on the sidewalk, and wait for an ambulance to arrive to check them out. So that's kind of a nice response from the cop who was just under siege. Right. Copying cool.

Jennings has then seen trying to get up multiple times after being asked to sit, but listen to the officer when he's told to stay seated. After Jennings has asked if he's all right, the officer asked what caused him to crash into the back of the cruiser. Now we've got to get to the bottom of this, right? I mean, that's where we are. I don't know, man, I've been drinking. Not a good thing to say. That's going to get you.

That's not a card to play to a cop. No, I don't know, man. I've been drinking. And then I took some weed pills Is that a thing? Combo Weed pills? Are they just gummies?

No, they're like little weed pills. I've never seen a weed pill. I'm on my weed pills. I have a hit and run story too. I know I already did a Seagull one, but I can give you my hitting one. Geez, give it to us.

You did it? Yeah, well, I was, this is when I was still drinking. I was 19. We had a Christmas movie marathon. Everyone had a keg to themselves and we would watch Christmas movies and get hammered. A keg to themselves. Correct.

And I... And it's weird that you went into recovery. Exactly. Okay. I said marathon. Yeah. Marathon. Yeah. Okay.

But I borrowed my mom suburban and I was like, I'm hungry. I'm going to go Taco Bell. Oh, God. Went to Taco Bell. Baltimore Taco Bell. Yeah, exactly. Baltimore Taco Bell. Actually, right in Reichertown.

Righteous town. And on my way back, I reached down for a CrunchRap Supreme. Of course you did. When I came back up, fire hydrant, boom. Oh. Rock that. Whoa. Water throws out.

I was like, oh my God, it's fucking raining. You know, it's crazy. Oh, my God. Back up. try to keep driving. I hit two-part cars. No. Then I got out on foot.

Oh, boy. And I called my mom, and I left my wallet there. Smart? Yep. I thought you were going to go, got out of foot. I physically ran into two more cars. Took two mirrors off. Exactly.

I took two mirrors off of cars. Truly. I called my mom, and I was like, mom, you got to come get me. She's like, okay. She calls me right back. She goes, Michael, you have the car. And I was like, I know exactly where it's parked. Oh, my God.

And the, yeah, cops. Water flying. Cops come to her, pick her up, put her in the backseat because she's like, I know where my son is. She's wearing a black dress and sneakers. She's about to tackle me. Basically, cop comes, looks at my ID. He's like, where do you go to school in Virginia?

I'm like, that's actually a fake ID, sir. Oh, my God. I've been drinking. I just took some weed pills. You're just spilling everything. I hate cops. I've been meaning to turn that in with you guys. I'm glad you're here.

I spent the night in jail. I put all, and I was by myself because it was Christmas time. 19. 19. I put all the beds together, like a, like the mattress pert. Like, what's that? Oh, sleeping beauty. No, the princess and the pea?

Yep. And I put them all on top of each other. And when they came in the next, they were like, what the fuck did you do in here? Like, I made a fort. Like, it was like fun. Were you alone in there? Yeah, no one was in there. It was just me and jail by myself having fun.

That's better than being with somebody. Truly, yes, it is. Your jail experience was fun. Yeah, exactly. It was kind of fun. Sleepover. You had a sleepover. Didn't learn anything.

Didn't learn a goddamn thing. Did not get a wink of sleep because of a small drop of semen on one of the bottom majesty. But what I will say, they charge me with a hit and run, not DUI, because if you're ever in trouble, run, they can't charge you with a DUI or DWI because theoretically in that time period you could have gotten drank. Yeah. There you go. It's a little tip. Yeah. Thanks, Mike.

Get out of car and run. The video then shows Jennings handing over his ID to the obvious. officer who's a fake ID no yeah he tells him and blatantly stating that he did it on purpose which here's what I really think yeah I kind of love him embarrassed to admit he didn't do it right like this is a pride thing like no I try I know what I'm like I know how to drive feels like an accident oh yeah feels like an accident though no no I've knew man are you sure it feels like he slipped no I'm not a bad guy I knew exactly what I was doing and the cop says what you hit me on purpose I mean this is a whole play that's written here uh yeah I

did, Jennings calmly says. The suspect then tells the officer that he did it because he was bored. I hate cops. Again, pick one. Too many. Pick one. So he said he's drunk. He's on weed pills.

Hates cops and he's bored. He did it on purpose. Pick one. Jennings later adds to his reasoning for driving to the officer's SUV as backup arrives. Jennings is then immediately handcuffed, obviously, and placed under arrest. He's being held at the sink or some clowny jail.

I want to name the place. Two people in the car that the officer had pulled over initially were unharmed. So the cop car was full with people already that he was taking in. He's lucky he was out of his car. And then it didn't hit him off. Wait, so the people in the back seat were they crunched? No, no, they were in another car in front of his cruise. They received only a warning for their expired tags.

No injuries were reported at the scene. Yeah, if you're being pulled over for the cops and then someone hits the cop cars, you're like, we're good to go, right? Yeah, like we didn't run into you. Yeah. We are not bored and don't hang. And we like cops. We like them.

We love them. That was how we pulled over just to hang? Yeah. Just to be buddies with you? We didn't even know you wanted us. I got these tags at home. I'm just going to put them on. And all we really did was just went through her yellow.

I mean, come on. It was turning. Fire tags. Come on. Jennings allegedly caused more than how much damage to the squad car. Oh. What are we thinking? $40,000.

$300,000. It was a Mercedes. Oh, okay. And city. Hold on. It was. Get your answers in. $10,000.

Okay. Still a lot. Still a lot. 10,000 others. The police department has charged Jennings. Good reading. Good reading. Has charged Jennings with one count of criminal damage.

Hey, Jay just learned how to read, guys. To government property, two kinds of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and one count of aggravated battery with a motor vehicle. Let's get into this now. First of all, how old is Jennings? I'm going to go. 32. I'm going to go 22. 29.

One of you is one year off. 30. 31. 21. Get your answers in 28 years old. Oh. And now here we get to play. What state? Who's home state? Man. Man. It's either Maryland

or Missouri. I'm going to go Missouri or Illinois. Only because I don't want it to be Illinois. And I'm not familiar enough with Maryland. I mean, you've certainly done these things in Maryland. Yes, exactly. It sounds very much like it's from my own thing. Is this from your light? You're like, is it me? Yeah, wait, I'm Jennings. You are Jennings. We are all Jennings a little bit.

I'm Jennings. I'm going to go Maryland. Maryland? I think it's Missouri. Missouri? All right, get your answers in because the answer is Illinois. Oh, Daniel. Belleville, Illinois. So essentially St. Louis. Basically, St. Louis. Just on the other side of the river. You know what's funny. When you said St. Louis, I was like, I thought to myself,

I should just say Belleville. But then I'm like, that's not Missouri. So I can't say Bell. Well, they said Fairfield Heights, and I'm like, that feels like Missouri, right? No. So, yeah, just on the other side of the river. In the by state area, as we call it. All right, we sadly share it.

That, by the way, great dialogue. If you ever want to write dialogue, just go to Jennings. The guy has great, unexpected lines. I'm bored. I didn't like the cops. I took a weed pill. I did it on purpose. Took some, I'm drunk.

I did it. I'm drunk. No, the cops line back was great. Yeah. What happened here? I don't know. You tell me, buddy. You tell me.

It's a great line. All right. That is story number two down the books. We've got one more to go. I've got it right here. And it is, you know, it's maybe the most fun assault on someone ever. It's fun, guys. That's on the other side of the break.

The name of the movie is Baltimoreans. We have the star and one of the writers of the movie right here, Michael Strassner. And we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town ready for this. Stick around. Make a sound. Come you down. It's Dump People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show before we jump into.

this final story. We should let people know, hey, we just announced or just found out we got booked at the Den Theater in Chicago on December 13th. It's a Saturday night. We'll be there the night before. We're in Cincinnati, this phenomenal brewery show that we're doing there. It's a nice-sized room, about 250. Love to sell it out and add a second show to that.

We got two shows at the Den Theater the next night in Chicago. Den Theater is about 252. So let's fill that room. We got two shows. It's cold in Chicago. We'll warm you up with some laughter, and I love that theater. So again, that's on the 13th of December. In January, it will be the 9th through the 11th.

We will be at the La Jollaoya Comedy Store. All this stuff is at superscalars.com or punchup. Live slash Sclarbrothers, follow us there because we can let you know. That's a great way for you to pick up tickets and all that stuff. And we're going to be on the writing on and hopefully on the new Kevin Hart, Keenan Thompson Sports Show, called Good Sports on Amazon, starting right of Thanksgiving or round Thanksgiving. Yep. All right. Shall I jump into this?

This is sent in by David Fornier at DP Fornier 2. Here is the, I love this guy. All right. Here is the headline. Florida escort arrested for alleged bizarre silly string attack that left a man with a forehead laceration. You want to get a bottle. Yeah. You don't get a laceration from silly string.

You want to get weird? Let's get a little weird on a Monday in September. This is the article. Who's writing that? I'm like, it's not me saying that. That text involves silly string. Whether it is a civilian or an escort, kudos to you for finding somebody who would go along with that.

Now, I don't like how this turned out. But pretty harmless if sex string is part of your... Sex string? Well, that's just a thing. Sex string now. I saw a TikTok the other day of a dad giving his six-month-year-old baby a cake, and then he put the six-month-year-old baby's cake in... With the face in the cake. And then he sprayed the baby with...

Silly string, right? I was like, hasn't this six-month-old got enough? Yeah. Cut to that kid. 25 years ago, I've been like, I don't really know where the trauma comes. And I don't know my dad either. I just have this aversion. Picking people off.

Dad left when I was three. So we're going to head down to Florida where it just might be illegal to have too many consecutive hours without something bizarre happening. This is the article. Yeah, they're in. All right. One of the most bizarre moments took place last Thursday night around and we'll get the time at the OCC Road House Bar in Clearwater.

Did you put the emphasis? emphasis on the wrong part of the word. OCC road house bar? OCC road house bar. OCC road house bar. Road house road bar. Is it house road? No, it's a roadhouse bar in Clearwater.

Yeah, you said road house bar. Like you're from like, that's Slovenia. That's Randy trying to distance him. I don't even know. I've never heard of this place before. Road house bar. It was an escort who took him there.

It's so weird. I don't know how. And I was complaining how you were reading a minute ago. And I can't even put the episode. in the right part of the word. Crystal Watts. I want you to try and spell crystal. Spell crystal.

How do you spell crystal math? How is this person? K-R-Y-S-T-A-L. Okay. What do you think? Crystal. How do you spell? How does she spell it?

Yeah. K-H-R-I-S-T-A-L-L. Okay. K-R-I-S-T-A-H-L. Okay. You were the closest. Y-R-Y-S-T-L. No vowel needed at the end.

Crystal. Crystal Watts, sprayed a man with silly stream before throwing the empty can at him. That might be a typo, by the way. Judging by the casualness of the top part of this article, I think that's a mis-mal. There's no reason for the alleged attack given, and the police didn't indicate whether the two knew each other prior to the incident. Yeah, we don't know each other.

He's trying to be like, I don't know who she is. It's my first time ever with this type of woman. OCC, Roadhouse, and Museum. What's still-string and sex museum? Garage-themed restaurant featuring a motorcycle. Museum, an easy-going bar and a venue for live-backs. I hate when they say easy-going. It's not that easy-going, judging by what just happened with Crystal.

4.3,000 reviews. Holy shit. My guess is a 4.72 of their rating? Yeah, out of five stars. 4.4. 3.9. No way. It's easy-going bar, Michael.

Some motorcycle museum. 4.6. That's right. I said 4.7. Okay. All right. All right. So may your movie get 4.6 stars.

The can left Jesse Hammock and we'll get his age with the laceration of the left side of his forehead. Did he need medical treatment? This article is asking me? I don't know. Don't ask me. You give the answer. That's anyone's guess. Jesus.

Research it, all right? As that information didn't make it into the criminal complaint. Talk to the man. Did he? One phone call. What is known is that Watts was arrested for battery and spent the night in general. jail before being released. Michael knows what this is about on how much bond for a silly string incident like this.

I was a menace on the streets. You have to keep her off the street. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to go low. I'm going to go $500. $500. $250? $250.

$750. Get your answers in town. He's released on $1,000 on Friday. That's a lot of money just in time for the weekend. How much was that silly string? I don't know. $3.99? The use of silly string leading to arrest would be random and weird enough, but this is Florida

and you have to always expect the unexpected. Stop telling us that. Please say silly. That's not an article. I've said that I don't like articles or menus that talk to me. Right. According to the smoking gun, you're going to love our pasta and let me tell you why. Don't, I'll let me decide.

I will have the feduccini and then. I will tell you if I like it. You tell the lady I'll have. All right, according to the smoking gun, the phone number listed in Crystal's court records is also listed on an escort website. When I read that, okay, now this person, I knew. I'm in my under. You are in a conversation.

With this article. So I'm in my underwear. I'm literally on the toilet. I find this out. And I read it. And I call her. And I call the escort. We've had a relationship.

This article ends with anyway. What are you up to? What else is going on? I read that. I knew I had to reach into my drawer and pull out the big J suspenders for this one. I did that. This is what's in it. And I was able to find the court records.

The phone number listed and confirmed that it is all. also listed on this is when AI writes an article and also thinks it's a person yeah and it's your buddy who's reading it yeah as t sg points out she appears to be going by the name taylor on the site which is not listed among her aliases how do we spell taylor okay she's revealed that she is quote back in the saddle and ready to ride here she is in some of her work attire they show some pictures there doesn't appear to be any mention of the silly stringing incident on the site as she mentions she's not a grateful dead cover man right the so string is all right so the string cheese all right uh she mentions that i was right that i was right that she's quote no drama no stress

no games no problem i mean i feel like she was all those yeah i think that was drama yes games yes yes yes stress yes problems yes she's all those you are the opposite of what you portray yourself to be on this ask our website her name is crystal not taylor so everything is wrong everything is a lie but who knows if her name's even crystal all right what time do you think this all the silly string incident took place on uh was it Tuesday or Thursday it was a Thursday or excuse me on a Monday oh no no Monday is when the article is written Thursday is when it happened Thursday night well no night okay night okay I said Thursday night okay I'm gonna go 10 30 p.m. okay I'm gonna go 8 30 p.m. 1 a.m. 9 p.m. Oh, at the OCC Roadhouse Bar in that, okay.

Roadhouse Bar. The OCC Roadhouse Bar is a American Chopper themed bar. Oh, that's really the Orange County Choppers. Oh, the Orange County Chowper. There you go. That's why it's how much. Thanks, Aaron, for the cleanup on Isle 6. All right.

How old was Jesse Hammock, the guy who got the laceration from the Silly Street? Who claims to not know Crystal Slice Taylor? 47. Yeah? 36. 29 get your answers in town he's because jesse hammock lying in the hammock of life until he gets a slithering in his head 33 years old jesus christ's age yeah nice and speaking of jesus christ and the holiness let's get out of here on this crystal don't call me crystal my name is taylor on the escort website

watts mott's um is howled taylor wats taylor wats taylor wats taylor wats like could be like the younger the third like j j watt t j watt and taylor wats yeah tremendous defensive line presence i'm gonna go and an escort presence i'm gonna go 38 38 okay so he was 33 she's 38 what do you think i want her to be 47 okay and i'm gonna go 42 one of you is one year off 46 37 43 get your answers in townies the the movie is called baltimoreons and i want everybody to see it god damn it see it see it support micha strasner because he's a lovely individual we need him to make more movies and he'll put us all in the next one all right that's the way it goes Because we can do Ballmore X.

We can do it, hon. We can do it, hon. And it doesn't even have to take place in Baltimore. This is, by the way, the only thing that's ever come out of Baltimore, including the wire. This is the more accurate version of Baltimore than the wire. I think it is very much so. Thank you. Midnight Air is the podcast and come see us live and join our Patreon.

Crystal Watts. Silly string purveyor. Yeah. Can thrower. No drama, no problem. No drama, no problem. No drama, no stress. No problem.

is 48 years old. Jay, you were wet in the wrong way. Guys, that is a show. Thank you for supporting us. We love you. And oh, snap, we got to get back to work. Peace. Bye.