Dumb People Town - Mike Falzone - Indian Jones

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

Comedian Mike Falzone (https://mikefalzone.com/) stops by as Daniel describes how a Clearwater was arrested for stealing luggage after a family caught him wearing their clothes, Jason explains how a man dropped his phone in a donation box and the temple refuses to give it back, and Randy warns against dieting so hard that you break into a Burger King and drink used cooking oil, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Shipskis, Hims, and Chewy! Right now, ShipSkis is offering our listeners 20% off your first shipment when you go to Shipskis.com and use the code DPT. Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT. Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to Chewy.com/DPT.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast band with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members, don't be a jerk. Because when the music gets the funny hits and wins, we'll be the ones to win.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast band with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members, don't be a jerk. Because when the music gets the funny hits and wins, we'll be the ones to win.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast band with co-hosts Armand Dan. Members, you don't be a jerk. We spread the music, there's the funny hits, and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, Bunker Down is Dumb People Town. Hey, Tatties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you?

Population, Falzone! I want to call him Mike a fellow Sony I'll take oh yeah, no the way I say Mike is race It's a me okay, and me get better Sony it's great to be here Mike it is great. Do you have a super traditional? Italian family with a whole bunch of Michaels um No, we have like Americanized Italian family. Oh, Americanized Italian family. Olive Garden.

Olive Garden. I dated a girl, family. Everyone is here. I dated a girl and it was four Marie's and four Johns. By the way, this sounds like a Broadway play that's like the spinoff from Mamma Mia 3. Or Tony Anthony. Or Marie's.

Remember in Good Fathers? Two Joes. Good Fathers, she was like, my head was spinning. Everybody, it was Paul and John. Yeah, little Paul, little John. But it was that. My dad's John. Michael's a big one too.

Dad is John. Is he big John or little Jen? He's Johnny Junior. Johnny Junior. See it. He's Johnny Nose! Dude, the best part is like, my grandfather's, his dad's name was John. Is he John Michael?

My dad's... No, but they do, that happens a lot too. They do 100% like, I don't even think they, I have a cousin John Michael. See? Why am I just realizing all this now? Damn! My dad's, dad's name was John and my, he named his son John, but he wasn't a junior Family it's so easy. You're not even like worried about your name

That's a bit You don't like you don't do it don't set it here but be like Everybody anybody too close to their family, and I don't mean love, I mean like you don't realize certain things and then you go into like, I'm gonna run down lines. And we start going through and like, Johnny, little Johnny, big Johnny. Johnny Michael, Michael John.

Johnny Junior, John Michael, side Johnny. Side Johnny, Johnny Michael, Michael John. I got a brother named Marie. Four Marie's, two Johnny's, three Joe's and a Tony. I got a brother named Marie Three Joe's and it's only if you've got a cool time game named Johnny Marie you would sort of be like Johnny He's kind of bad, right? So that's like UFC fighter named Johnny Marie definitely Johnny Marie is cool guys for Michigan. Well the linebackers coach his name is Brian Jean Marie. Okay All right, let's get into some stupidity here because we've already the wheel did you go? All right ready? Yes

sent in by whom Well, I like to say after the headline but I should do the yeah, right Derek Shipley sent this in Thank you. I shipped it ship it. I ship it. Ship it. For anybody who's like, I always feel like there's people who are like, oh, I sent in seven or eight stories and they never read them, so I stopped. No, keep sending them. This is from 2022.

Keep sending them. Keep sending them. April. 2020. Rose, keep sending. April 6th, right in between Diane and Rosemary's birthdays. April 6th. The main women of my life.

Two days before my wife's. There's there. Yeah, yeah, all right Her name is all we need is a headline which is another thing I love to say on this show right because the stories are great right yeah But when you only need a headline I like and get you going clear water. We know we are yeah It's a winner Tampa could go anywhere Clear water man arrested for stealing luggage after family sees him wearing their stolen clothes There you go. I love how they're like it's now Clearwater man Clearwater, New York, yeah

Where's my hello kitty have to oh my god? Because it's a family too so that means like dad is that your shirt now the thing is I Don't know that no it would not be that it'd be like that guy has the same shirt as you do like that They're putting it together in a moment and he has the same uggs his mom What if they're like he looks great in that shirt like a mother here's the thing I'm a little don't want it to look I'm a little Midwest basic with my clothes sure so I thought about this And I was like I don't know there's a lot of my clothes I wouldn't know that that's my clothing on someone else these two I know you too with the shirts you wear

And I said you know I love it. This is not a knock. I know you would know instantly I've never seen this thing that I'm wearing on any other That isn't a muppet. It's like the top half of a muppet. Yeah, I have a couple of pieces. You're like the frog yeah Kirby Kirby you guys are like Hi-ho, John Michael here. Ooh, you wanna have a crewmate off? Hey-dee-ho. You guys are like a Pollock painting with your clothes. Like everything is very unique.

Yes. So you would know. Immediately. I'd be like, if my luggage was lost and I saw anything even remotely like mine, I'd be like, he stole it. So there is a moment where you're at, you know, we travel, we all travel for standup.

Where you see your bag come down, but it's going the long way around, and you're like, someone's gonna walk around. There is anxiety in me that I'm gonna keep waiting for it, and someone on the other side grabbed it. I'm just happy to be. Do you ever take bets on who you think is gonna grab it? No, but I.

Because someone's gonna grab it, and it's gonna be that guy. I love, this happened to me two nights ago. LAX, all of the morons stand as close as they can to the belt Yeah, and I'm like one you don't have enough top leverage to pull that bag off to pull it You already need to be a half stance and two steps back and you're pulling it over a thing, right? You're gonna go you want to in high poles. Oh, all right, so that's all the even seen a kettlebell So I this I always play this game swim move. I'm always leaning against a pillar right

Johnny Depp in a toothpick Stan. I really feel like I will start to be a guy with toothpick Tea tree flavored toothpick, I want you like, why don't we get him for him? Yeah, we will. Dan, I want you to become a toothpick guy. You guys are very young for your age, so I think you are also still gonna be very young at 67. And I've highly considered starting smoking at 67. I wanted to start smoking at a pipe at 85.

Oh, I think you can do it way earlier. Pipe at 85? That's very good. Way earlier. I mean, pipe at 79? Way earlier. Dude, I think you pipe it. 85. That's way earlier. I mean, I put 79. I like cigarettes at 67 because you're young enough to still sort of be. You aren't old, old yet. Yeah, but you have old clothes. Yeah, but I want you to rip and heat.

I want you to smoke in the way that you know how people smoke with like the claw. It's not like this and it's not like this, but like the whole hand is here. Like, yeah, like it has to be like that. It's the like this and it's not like this but like the whole hand is here like yeah Like it has to be like it's the whole hand are you shaking? I'm just missing one part of this habit. I think about so much about smoking guys doesn't have to do with the actual inhaling I think about war dudes, you know how war guys smoke. War guys smoke like this, because they're afraid of the light being seen at night. So they covered, yeah. And then one thing I always think about too,

the coolest thing about smoking is the finish. Fucking, even if it's just into a road, if it's at a person too. Little sparks. Yeah, the little sparks. The stamping out means like I'm done with this conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like how we end, like when we're on the road

and we're like, all right, you wanna get a photo? Like that's how we end it, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the end to it. All right, let's do this. All right, man, I'm outta here. Yeah. No one ever like stamps out a cigarette

and they're like, what else? What else is in the news? You know what? Stamping out the cigarette means we're leaving together. Yes. Throwing down the cigarette means we're leaving together. Yes. Throwing down the cigarette means I'm leaving alone. So Dan. Like if I put it out and I'm like,

all right, let's fucking go. What does eating the cigarette mean? You're a magician. Yeah. So you are leaving alone. You're David Blank. Wait, Dan, so you're leaning up against the pole. I'm always.

Hopefully you have a toothpick in the future. People are way too close. Cause you can see the bags come from so far. Sure you can. And I'm always, there's two things that happen. Either one, I get to do the like, all right guys, I need to grab this. Like I get to Moses these people.

I don't know why we're all here. Don't know why we're all here. All right gang. Don't know why, this is where we all are. Mine's up. I just say excuse me. Or what happened on Sunday. This is my favorite.

I know that's my bag. And I don't ribbon out of doing it's just I travel so much You know this I know my bag. Yes the scratch on the bottom of it indentation on the side right and it came around and three people down from me this 120 pound year old probably 61 year old woman never gonna decide decide. She's going to grab my bag. Yeah. And then I get to go, I'm going to let you do this work. Yeah. And she grabs the whole thing. She like gets it off and struggles. Yeah. And then her husband is like,

you got it. And then, and then she goes, I do. And I go, that's actually my bag. And then she goes, it looks just like mine. I go, I totally believe you. And then she goes it looks just like mine. I go I totally believe you and then she like looks at the name And she's like huh, and I go not you and that she's she she goes. It's not my bag. I go well I said I go I appreciate your work here today Yeah, after after a frail old woman lifts it over all the apparatus Yes, and then you just like flick your toothpick and wheel it away. Thanks for the fucking bang. I like Slider $2.

No look, no look, $2 tip, backhand. I will say. It's for you, sweetie. If I had had to walk away thinking, man, our bags look exactly the same, there is a part of me that'd been like, I should've told her she was grabbing it. However, as soon as I'm walking away,

her husband goes, doesn't yours have a big red ribbon on it? And she goes, yes. Now, could it have ripped off? Sure, but I was like, she had a big indicator that that was not hers. I have sympathy for this person, because you know the story. I've talked about it on here.

Maybe we did as a Patreon, where Jay and I are traveling to a place. Oh my God, this is crazy. And I, this is so dumb. So I have just a generic rolling bag with like a Swiss Army logo on the front. It's like light blue of a rolling bag, okay? Yeah, but this other guy took it first.

Right. Before you. So I, the plane lands and I'm like, I gotta go to the bathroom. I mean, I can't wait for this entire line and I'm near the back of the plane. I run to the back to go to the bathroom and I come out and everyone stood up. So I'm like a ways away from my bag and it's up there.

This guy. You're reverse crowding it. This guy took my bag and he had a bag that looked like mine but it had like some. From the plane. He took it from the plane. He had a bag that his Rolly bag was the same brand as mine, but it had some stickers on it.

And I don't know why I didn't even say, wait a minute, what's going on? I just thought maybe there were some stickers that were loose in the thing that got put on there. I should have questioned it, but I just was not in that mode. I'd just been on a flight. I take it back, the whole thing,

roll it back to my room, get into Minneapolis, open it up, what is in there? Nothing back to my room, get into Minneapolis, open it up. What is in there? Nothing. Another comedian's merch. Another comedian's merch. Oh, that's right. Another comedian's merch.

That's insane. I know. So this guy is in Appleton, Wisconsin. And Randy and I are like trying through the merch to figure out who he is. It's like a fucking comedy mystery. Oh my God. His name isn't on any of those shit.

Comedy quarrel. This is the comedy No Country for Old Men, No Comedy for Old Men. No Comedy for Old Men. Whoa, it's like a fucking comedy mystery. Oh my god Comedy no country for all We're like the mentalist which by the way, I never understood the mentalist just good at his job No, no, he's a guy who uses his brain to solve mysteries. You mean like every detective ever Don't call yourself something special Now if it was mental like you guys switched it it off. Like in England mental, like he's retarded, then that to me is a way better show. Yeah. Down syndrome detective.

That's very good show. I'm watching that every week. Yeah. I wanna see you figure stuff out. I'm rooting for him beyond any shadow of a doubt instead of some like guy who looks like a model. That should be a pretty good show. Unbelievable. A high functioning down syndrome person.

High functioning down syndrome. Like, oh, he's not paying. They were like, he would be so disregarded all the time. Completely underestimate him every time. And he nails every crime. Dude, my favorite thing on TikTok is watching autistic people do whatever their favorite thing

is. And that they're amazing. There's nothing more pure than watching like an adult have like childhood joy and fulfillment. Because we don't have joy about it. And just straight up crushing it. No, it's true. We get through my cynicism. A focus that we all don't understand because we've bifurcated everything we have in our lives

into a million pieces, and this is pure focus. I did get it back and I did get his stuff to him. And it was, I forget the guy's name. I wish I would have remembered it. But that is nothing. That's what he had. Oh, what was it t-shirts can sure t-shirts t-shirt Yeah, can't cosies. No there were there can cosies There might have been stickers Oh, is me with whatever the punchline of his last two ultimate frisbees alright, so this and it's a short story

So I'm glad that we had a good fun detour Yeah, a Pinellas man was arrested after police said he stole a family's luggage from their hotel Saturday. According to Clearwater police, Mark Anthony, Brianza. After jail, this guy's gone way down. This guy's really falling off a cliff. It may be. Brianza.

He found a luggage claim check at Frenchy's Rockaway in Clearwater and took it to the hotel where he exchanged it for the luggage. So he finds a claim check, goes to hotel, it says hey this is mine and they're like okay, here's a whole family's worth of luggage random guy. So here's the conversation that is separate from this

when they show up to, honey what'd you do with the claim check? Yeah, that's a whole other. That is a fight that is gonna happen. You have it. You have it you have no no you have it You know get at the restaurant, and you put it in your pocket. No. I did it. I watched you take I know I didn't Well, I definitely don't have it because that's not under my job my job is to tell them our name and see if it's in they Get there. It's not there see

Anthony more police said they found Brienza the next day after the victim called to report that they saw him Riding around on a bike wearing their stolen clothes. I hope it's a hodgepodge. I want to all the clothes I want mom's blouse. I want kids bucket hat Jeremy Strong's bucket hat Yeah, he looked dope Security camera footage from the hotel showed Brienza taking the luggage police said he was taken into custody But police said he would not tell them where to find the other stolen items good. Yeah sent him on a good luck

It's like a guy who like won't tell you where he buried the body. Yes It's a serial killer, but it's like I won't tell them Brienza inside me snapped later. It's in the box, Miss Dungarees? Brienza later told victims where to find the items, admitting he, quote, felt bad after he realized the items were for an entire family. Oh, if it was just for one person, he wouldn't have felt bad about it? I didn't get it. This training bra doesn't feel right.

What am I going to do with these Minecraft shirts? So many sizes in one box. Which is why, if you're in a family, always pack other people's stuff in your stuff. Because otherwise, it's gonna go. It's smart. It'll feel bad. Brienza later told the victims where to find the items,

admitting he, quote, felt bad after he realized the items were the family. Mostly stolen items were found. He also apologized to the family. That's not good enough. No, no. It's okay. He also apologized to the family. That's not good enough No, no, okay Not an hour in the clothes you've walked you've ridden a mile in my bicycle clothes But he's sorry is what I love to police said Brianna eventually admitted to stealing the luggage and spreading some of the items around town

Spreading them around town Johnny and he admitted to the fact that it Look at this guy's fucking Johnny Apples seal. Turns out a thong's pretty comfortable. I didn't think- Thong's pretty spreadable. I like it, I like it. Prianza was charged- Turns out I like a good sports bra. Feel free in it. Prianza was charged with grand theft.

Grand theft? I will ask you. Grand theft? We'll get out of here on this. It should be another phrase other than grand theft. They just move off the auto. Yeah, but I mean like grand theft seems a little too grandiose for it.

I mean it depends on how expensive the clothing. Yeah, what's like technically. Yeah, like is you running around in Prada. Carry on theft. To me I would use like the Starbucks sizing thing. So grand is grande. Yeah, grande theft. He did a tall theft.

He did a tall theft. The smallest one you could get. It's not a venti theft. It's a tall theft. He's in Cork, we just call thaw theft. The smallest one you could get. It's not a venti theft. It's a thaw theft. He's in court, can we just call it medium theft? Medium theft, I did a mezzo. I did a mid theft. With a shot of espresso.

Branzo is charged with grand theft, we'll get out of here on this. How old? How old? 58. Mark Anthony. Straight up. 58.

That's so good. I think he's 36. Now we know he carried a lot of luggage. He likes to ride bikes. He had remorse, which could be an old man's game or a young old man's child's game. 47. 36. 36, 47, 58.

We're covering all the decades here. Mark, Anthony Brienza. We're covering all the decades here. Mark Anthony Brienza, and right after I say it, I will show you a photo of him, is 56 years old. Oh! That's so good. Yeah, dude. I was picturing that guy exactly with a beard. He's like Anthony Bourdain's impish, like, Mark Anthony Bourdain.

His expression is like, I gave itain. Mark Anthony Bourdain. His expression is like, I gave it back. Yeah. I said, sorry. What do you want from me? I only spread half of the globe. Hey, socks unknown. What are you gonna do?

We really have to do the photo? What are you gonna do? That's amazing. Oh, we're doing the photo. Can't you just take my name down? The best thing is he walks away after the photo, this mug shot, and he's wearing the cops belt. How'd you get that?

I don't know, man. I don't know, I found it. Thought it was my lady. Also, do you think they were like, thought it was my baby. Hey, we're gonna take your photo. He's like, okay, and they're like, is that your shirt? He's like, yeah.

No. Yes. Is that your shirt? Right. All right, J will be up next. When we come back from the break, I will tell you about dates I have coming up. We'll talk about the great shows that Mike does

and when those are happening. He's got some great comedy star shows coming up. It's Dumb People Town with Mike Falzone. We'll be right back. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show before we get into story number two and Jay.

Daniel. Yes. Let's, and before we get to Mike Fal Falzone the shows he's got coming up over at the store in February. What do you got Danny? Well, obviously you can watch Rose Gold my special. It's right at about like a hundred thousand views. Yeah, baby Thank you so much for everybody who's watched that but if you haven't check it out and then new dates new material new hour I will be at Denver Comedy Underground on March 28th and 29th I'll be at Milwaukee at the Laughing Tap on April 11th and 12th a whole bunch of other dates are gonna be announced as well but if you want to start making summer plans I'm going back to Green Lake Wisconsin which is right by my cabin at the Thrasher

Opera House on July 12th Saturday the. To settle a vendetta. The Saturday after the fourth. It's right in the middle of summer. Amazing. It's one of my favorite shows that I get to do. I love that little theater. Great. So come on out to that. Everything is up at danielvancurk.com.

And then you should be listening to The Midnight Air. So many people who listen to this show really quick have emailed themidnightmailbag at gmail.com because I want to start interviewing people of, anybody who has a job where you say, oh I do this, and they go, oh I've never met anybody, from like toll booth worker to a butcher, to even a flight attendant, anything.

Because we don't know what they do. And so when I'm on the road, I gotta zoom. And you've almost had all the jobs. Yeah, I'm Gravedigger federal agent. Thank you. Lost prevention. Yeah, lost prevention. And marshals.

Yeah, that's true. Marshall field. I worked at a tanning booth once. Sure you did Lost prevention. Yeah, lost prevention. And Marshalls. Yeah, that's true. Marshall Field. I worked at a tanning booth place once. Sure you did. Anyway- We worked at gas stations. And adventure.

And adventure. Yeah, not as much of death in your guys' stories. No. But near death with you once. Anyway, so many people listening to the show have emailed the midnight mailbag at gmail.com. So when I'm on the road, people tell me where they live, I'm just going to link up with people with a Zoom mic and one camera and just do a 30, 40 minute interview. I just wanna know what it's like to do your job.

And that all is gonna be a part of my podcast, The Midnight Air, which drops every single week right here on All Things Comedy. On Monday nights, it's an overnight radio podcast for people who can't sleep or wanna stay awake. Check it out, subscribe to it. Mike, fell zone. Talk, talk to me, buddy What we're two big shows in February on the seventh?

I'm doing my crowd work show called surrounded which is crowd working around at the Hollywood improv Oh nice, which is why you're so good at this show. I'm so good at sitting in a circle Thank you brother and On the 14th on Valentine's Day, I believe I'm doing my dating show called Human Romance, which is kind of like the crowd work show, but the aim is to hook numbers of the audience together. Yes, I love that.

So you get something out of it. You guys should be on it. Yeah. You guys are married. You know what it's like to be in a relationship. And we're in like a professional marriage that we've been in for 35 years. Yes, we've been married twice.

OK, so that's the 7th and the 14th. The 7th and the 14th, and then the whole last week of January, I'll be in New York City at the stand every night. Hell yeah, dude. It's fun. That's awesome. Let's go.

Where should people follow you to keep up with all your stuff? Just Mike Falzone, it's spelled like it sounds, like Calzone with an F on all the things, on Instagram and dot com. And also you take some of the best photos in town. Thank you very much. Oh my gosh, man. Can I say we had so much fun with you at the, on Instagram and dot com. And also you take some of the best photos in town. Thank you very much. Yeah.

Can I say we had so much fun with you at the, at Moon Tower. Oh, Moon Tower, yeah. It was such a blast. You were so generous and when we roasted you and had fun with you, like you were great on the golf course. It was just a blast, dude. It's such a fun place to be.

That's the most, some of the most fun I've ever had at a comedy festival. Just a blast. Or traveling for comedy in general. It's a special one. It's really, really good. Good little comedy camp. All right, let's do another story.

This one was sent in by Carleen McDermott at She Be Carleen. I read this headline and I thought to myself, we've done a lot of things on Dumb People Town. Sometimes we merge into areas that we've been in before. I've never heard this ever before in my life. Man accidentally drops iPhone into donation box, Temple refuses to return it.

What? Oh man, not a good look. Who's dumb? Not a good look, Temple. Who is dumb here? You donated it. And so don't have your phone out during Temple. Don't be texting as you donate.

Don't text and donate.. Don't text and donate. Please don't text and donate. Do you think they had an Apple Pay thing next to the drop box and then it slipped out of his hand? No, I think he saw a box full of money and he just tried to put his phone to then- Take a photo of it? No, to like try and Apple Pay some money at the Venmo.

Okay, same process. He doesn't know that the dish doesn't register anything. So it's a, I'm picturing like a lock box with a slot. Slip. Yeah. Wait, no, isn't it a donation? It could be either way, but I'm saying like, it has to have some prevention of reaching

in and grabbing. It says donation box. It doesn't say donation plate. So I'm Roman Catholic, so they used to pass the basket, right, so big like basketball hoop. With the pole? So yeah, you get a pole, right? so they used to pass the basket right so big like basketball Who probably the pole? Oh? Yeah, you get a pull it. There's a pole with the basket there's a pole in the basket and Everybody a couple bills in or an envelope and right picture you someone like even the sound it would make with the phone hit everything Like were you ever one of the pole people?

Never ever. I was an altar boy. You were an altar boy. Next step up. That was how you started becoming a performer. Yeah dude, nothing better than being an unattractive altar boy. Yeah right? You're like I'm safe. That is a great... I'm nobody's pleasure. Alright. An Indian Devo too. But wait, the temple.

The temple says no, we're getting into it. So this person's dumb. But that's the temple. We're gonna get into it. The temple says no, we're getting into it. That's, oh, this is insane. So this person's dumb. That's a real bad look. But that's dumb PR. Like try to then argue with a bunch of Jews. You're not gonna win. You're not gonna win. What do they want with it?

I don't know, and what is this our life? I assume, I don't know, you know, people can come at me for this. I'm assuming a good cop would say like. We'll give it to you for 50 bucks. Yeah, but a good cop would go, you guys can't have his phone. Right, right.

It's a money donation box. He didn't donate money. No, it's his possession, he accidentally dropped it in. Unless he put it in as a joke and they just moved it along. That's wild. Yeah, funny. Now it's gone. Nice try, bitch.

I love that you're like, this reminds me of like the hook at the Apollo. Yeah, it's not that much different, but it's for your money instead. and the sound's gone. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr temple while making a donation was told, thank God it wasn't Jews, making a donation that was told that the phone was now the deity's property and could not be for it. It's Moody's bike now. My bodyguard. It's Moody's phone now. Much like how the Catholics say, the blood and body of Christ, once the priest puts it in your mouth, it's the Eucharist, a little miracle happens every mass, and it is now actually, they're saying, once you put something in there,

it now belongs to the gods. That's right. Dude, which deity is the one with all the arms? That's Ganesh. Ganesh. Is that? Yeah. Who's got eight arms and a new iPhone? This guy. Who's got eight thumbs and a new iPhone?

This elephant. Anyway. Just fired off 800 tags. Exactly. So fast. New thumbs, who this? Last month, a Shani man who was visiting Arumiga Kandaswami Temple. Very good.

In Thiruparur with his family. Are you Indiana Jones? I don't know. To offer prayers. Are you Indiana Jones? So he's visiting with Indian Jones. I'd watch it too. I would watch it.

Indian Jones. If it's like triple R? Dude, if it was. Shane Gillis props to that dude for his comment of Nick Saban when Nick Saban was wearing that hat. Did you see that? At the desk of college game day.

He was like making a joke about how the SAC, no one in the SAC ever played players, right? And no one's laughing. He's like, this is a fun show, right? Alabama Jones over there, not even laughing. It was so good. Indian Jones, with his family, to offer prayers, thoughts and prayers for the iPhone, by the way,

felt his iPhone slip out of his pocket, out of the pot, went into the Hyundaile. The Hyundaile. So he's standing above it? I guess, yeah. pocket and into the hundile. The hundile? So standing above it? I guess, yeah. I'll say it later. Yeah, stepping inside my hundile. I'm gonna take a page from the scorebook.

Tell me how to spell hundile. I'm gonna look it up. H-U-N-D-I-A-L. It is a metal donation box. Thank you. Look it up. Which is located under your pocket. I mean, I think he was probably...

There's like a guy with a magnet in the thing. Why is my phone? Dude, no, it's the guy with the's like a guy with a magnet in the thing Dude no, it's the guy with the pole Into his wallet Whoa the hondiles intense is it big? Well some of them look crazier than others can you describe it just took a just a standard little letterbox is almost like It's a but this is also what came up, and this is like a dishwasher. Yeah now if it slips into the hand aisle That's why I say that's a hand aisle to that must pressure cooker Yeah, so it you slip into the hand aisle and then they're like we don't have the key

Is this then it becomes like you're at Walgreens? Yeah now Cheryl get the key, you know, like they gotta get Remember that old bit who is that? I need gotta get the key. I need the key. Remember that old bit? Who was that? I need Gozar the Keymaster. Come out here. Some ethereal presents from the frozen food section. This is an old 1980s comic. Stand up it. This guy did this old bit. I need Gozar the Keymaster.

Who was that? I forgot. It's not Greg Rogel. Oh, it's so good. Brian McFadden. Brian McFadden. Brian McFadden, what a great comment. Gotta find that dude. He said, that's when you like, you order something,

he said you're at the supermarket and like, they don't have change, what was the bid? I need the key. And they're like, yelling to the manager, I need the key. Now, go, Zarn. Ready? Ready, we'll find this bid. You know how happy this guy would be yelling to the manager I need the key. Now go, Zarr. Ready? Ready? Ready? We'll find this bit.

You know how happy this guy would be if he knew his bit was being settled? It was such a good bit. All right. So it falls into the metal donation box just as he was making offerings to the temple's patron deity. The man referred to only as Dinesh

approached temple officials and explained the incident. Bro, he said my phone fell out of my pocket into the hand aisle. Classic story. He's like the dad in Willy Wonka. All right, and let's get this out. My kid fell into the hand aisle. You slipped your phone into the hand aisle.

You get nothing. Good day, sir. Good day, I said good day, sir. All right. I said good day. Demanding that his handheld be returned. To his surprise, they refused, claiming the rules did not permit

them to return anything place into the hun dial willingly or accidentally because it's the deity's property. But they get this stuff out. Yeah, they do eventually. Yeah, go somewhere. So they donate the phone to wherever the money they put the phone in the bank. All of a sudden like he's like signed up for like weird apps. Yeah. And he gets his phone back. He's like the tracking thing is on it. I'm gonna know where it is. Right. Find my iPhone. I know All of a sudden, like, he's, like, signed up for, like, weird apps when he gets his phone back. Who had this? He's like, the tracking thing is on it. I'm gonna know where it is. Right?

Find my iPhone. I know where it is now. Dinesh refused to give up hope retrieving his phone and filed a complaint with the HR and CE, Hindu Religious and Charitable Endowments. So he went somewhere else. He went over their head. He went to HR.

Fine, I'm gonna talk to Beth in HR. Officials requesting to be notified. Notify me when the Hun dial is open, I wanna be there. That's what he's saying, because he's like, I'll push someone over and grab my phone. I'm gonna grab my phone. The month when the metal box was,

this month when the metal box was finally open. So he's without his phone for a few weeks. Bro, this is so not okay. This is like enough to make a guy convert to something else or become an atheist. Do you wanna turn the world into atheists? Take their phones. Yeah, dude.

The month was when the metal box finally opened, he was there hoping to recover his iPhone, but temple officials stood by their decision. Well, they're gonna block this dude? No. I would call it every five minutes forever. Yeah. Until it was completely dead. It's probably not charged at this point. Anything deposited into the offering box, No, I would call it every five minutes forever. Yeah

Probably not charged at this point anything deposit into the offering box even if done in attention Unintentionally becomes part of God's account. That is BS. Secar Babu. That is not a religion I want a minister of the Hindu religious charitable endowments Department explained But any money that goes in there doesn't go towards the church either than no goes towards a religious and that's what I'm saying Lot by that logic you can't the church either then? No, it goes towards the religious endowment. That's what I'm saying, by that logic, the church can't spend it either. Yeah, like how do you take it out? It just belongs to their god. And put it in the bank.

Exactly. Yeah. So I would use it as like a thing that if you're just getting rid of things. Yeah. Just put things you don't want in it. Oh, I have so many. I've got like technology that you can't use anymore.

I'm like, here's something. I also don't want this Nutri-Gran-Bar. I have an iPod. A lot of legit. Get rid of your me. I also don't want this Nutri-Grain bar. I have an iPad. Get rid of your lithium batteries. This kind bar that I got at a comedy festival. All these batteries. Blip, blip, blip, blip, blip. No, they're yours now.

It belongs to the Hyundai. Oh, yeah. There's $300,000 and a bunch of receipts in there. Quote, as per the practices and tradition at the temples, any offerings made into the Hyundai directly goes to the account of the deity of that temple rules Do not permit the administration to return their offerings back to the devotees now look I might get arrested But I am breaking into the houses of the administration people and getting I'm getting their cell phones

Oh and then going, what? Nothing we can do about it. Guess we're all fucked, right? Sorry. Ball don't lie. Damn, we should examine the rules. Hundile don't lie. Dinesh was allowed to recover the data from his phone

if he so wished. Of course he can. You could take the data out because it's invisible. I guess, and Sikhar Babu said he would consult with temple officials to see if there was any way to compensate the former owner. That's like someone saying, like if your dog goes into someone else's yard

and them being like, guys, my hands are tied, there's nothing we can do now. It's our dog now. He belongs to the yard. He belongs to the yard now, to this yard. And I wish there was something I could do. I wish there was someone I could talk to. You, you're the person to talk to.

It's your box. Open the God damn box and give me my phone. This guy does not want my angry text conversations with my mom or my nudes. I can't believe people think religion isn't flexible enough. That's so weird. Dinesh was allowed to recover the data. We said that the incident went viral on Indian social media,

sparking a heated debate around the temple decision. Most users found their interpretation unjustified. I also think it's unjustified because I think the data now belongs to the deity. Right, the data should not. You go all the way. Right, you go all the way. Data-ty, data-ty.

So does the bill. I'm all out of data. So weird, nothing to guess on. I'm all out of data. I'm so lost without you. He should forward all the phone bills. That's what I'm saying. To them from now on.

This is your phone. Your bills. You deal with it now. All right. That is story number two. Now, the most when we come back, we'll let you know what we have going on. And I'll just give you a little taste of what we're going to do. A man on a diet breaks his diet in the most epic way possible.

This Dumb People town, Mike Falzone is with us. He's got two shows coming up in February. One at the Hollywood Improv on the 7th, and one at the store on the 14th. Check it out, we'll be right down. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. So if you're a snowboarder like me, or Jay,

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Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into this third story, and it is a beaut, we should let you know what we have going on. We just did our tag it, we're recording it, it's happening in two days, but after this drops, it's already happened, so thank you. Probably do another one at the store in February.

The end of this month, on the 24th and 25th, we are going to be at the La Jolla Comedy Store. I have never done it. We always perform at the American Comedy Company, but it's our first time performing at the La Jolla Comedy Store. You said it's awesome. Big fan, love that place.

Have you worked on there? I haven't, no. San Diego, please be there. La Jolla, cannot wait to be there and do those shows with you. And then we have so, we have booked so much standup. We have so much. First of all, we're doing our two man show

at SketchFest on February 1st. That's happening at 4 p.m. at the Gateway Theater, which used to be the Eureka Theater, and then later that night we're doing a Tag It at Cobbs. And then we have just, we're gonna be in Minneapolis and Detroit and Denver in March, leading into April, and then we're gonna be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival.

We're doing the Aspen Comedy Festival. We're performing at, is it the Wheeler Opera House on the 12th of March. So fun and so good, we're gonna do that thing on March 23rd as part of the folk festival. The LA Folk Festival, we're doing it at the Bellflower. I think we're performing right in front of Emmylou Harris, which that's gonna be really cool.

We're performing in front of, actually in front of the Milk Carton Kids, who I love those guys. Amazing. Anyway, superschoolers.com for all of it. For all the guests on the show. Yeah, Joey Ryan on the show. Ryan Ryan. It was so great.

In the pandemic, those guys were so great. They were in two different cities and they played. So anyway, superschoolers.com for all the dates. We've added a bunch and so we'll keep updating that but please come see us, especially when we do the Taggit shows, those are so much fun. All right, shall we jump into this? Let's do it.

Let's jump into this final story because this is crazy. All right, man on a diet, this is sent in by Dane Couch at Dane Couch. Thank you Dane Couch. Dane Cook's brother. That's right. Dane Cook's lazier. That's a way fatter brother.

Lazier, lazier brother. Which is perfect for this. Who are you, Dane Couch? Dane Couch. Dane Cook's brother. That's right. Dane Cook's lazier. That's way fatter. Lazier, lazier brother. Which is perfect for this. Who are you, Dane Couch? Dane Couch. Dane Couch over here. Laying down with energy. He didn't build a website. Man on a diet breaks into Burger King

and drinks gallons of deep frying oil. Oh, buddy. What the hell? Oh, jeez. A man has been put on a strict healthy diet by his concerned wife due to his obesity, but such torturous deprivation has taken a severe toll on the man.

So I understand. It resulted in a bizarre crime. Let me just tell you, last night for dinner, early I had a salad, that's it. By like 10 o'clock, five hours later, you were like ripping into cheap old Halloween candy. Bro. I was like.

You've been lying to get Taco Bell chicken nuggets. Yeah, I was like, give me Oreo dust. Like, I was like. Or give me death. Or give me death. That's what this guy is. But that's wild. So the man from Florida found a strange way

to cheat on his diet by breaking into a fast food place in the wee hours of the morning to drink an astounding volume of used oil from the deep fryers. A couple sips is an astounding amount. What is he prepping to do in the sequel to the whale? Touching it to your lips is an astounding amount. Going to that place with that intention.

Being there after hours is astounding. The fact that a woman married this guy is also astounding. Someone loves him. That is just somebody who just wants to stay obese. This is astounding. The fact that a woman married this guy is also astounding. Someone loves him. That is just somebody who just wants to stay obese. The Miami Police Department. That is the definition of Biggie Smalls ready to die. He is ready to die.

My strange addiction. Right, so the Miami Police Department got a call of breaking at Burger King Restaurant around what time? Oh, it's after hours I think. Yeah, what do you think? 11.30 at night. Okay. I'll go 1230 a.m. 2 in the morning One of you is exactly right. I'm gonna stick with myself saying me you can stick with yourself

Or you can jump on somebody else's answer. I don't think it's me. I think it's too early. What establishment? I said to a king. I burger king. I said you want to a m or 1230 2 a.m. Is funny Burger King. Burger King. I said 1230. So you want 2 AM or 1230? 2 AM is funnier. I'm gonna go with 2 AM. Get your answers in townies because they got the call around 2 AM. Yeah, that was me. Yeah, baby. That means that guy's at his house at midnight.

Officers- He woke up from sleep. He's like, I can pull this off. Officers arrived on a scene in a matter of minutes. You knew they could have waited longer and still caught the guy. Did the cops get out of the car and they're just like, Police found this guy's the best name. Chicken sandwich.

Romeo Carter. That sounds like a wide receiver. Romeo Carter does not look like you think he looks. Romeo Carter does sound like he coached the Patriots briefly. Or Romeo Carter is like a movie that Sylvester Stallone pitched but could never get made. It's like a vehicle for his brother to steal. He's like a cop. He's a cop who gets into lots of girlfriends.

He's not allowed to be with his girls. Romeo Carter. He does things his own way. Get Carter. Sometimes you gotta break a couple eggs if He does things his own way. Get Carter. Sometimes you gotta break a couple eggs if you want a fuckin' omelet. All right, so we're gonna get in, I'll get into how much he weighs

and how old he is we'll end on that. All right, already consumed, he had surprisingly already consumed many gallons of cooking oil. Many gallons. But apparently was still not satisfied or satiated by the time authorities arrived. Carter appeared to have apparently an unquenchable thirst.

Give him one salad and this guy's got unquenchable thirst. Worst superhero ever. But shockingly for cooking oil at that, police officers arrested Carter on the site and he was charged with burglary trespassing. Does he know you can buy cooking oil Fast to you by unlawful taking and criminal mischief Carter was also released on bail in the afternoon. He tried to explain the media who covered his arrest bro He did such oh guys right to you, right?

He said that his wife had put him on a tofu and vegetable diet and he couldn't take it anymore Holy moly god damn her throwing your Throwing your wife on the bus. He just slips out of jail. He just like slips through the blocks. Right, slips through the thing. He's covered in grapefruit. This guy did not slip through anything. Just eat something.

He shared his one great plan. Have a cheat drawer, dude, in your garage. Carter said he waited till she was asleep. You know what's a good cheat drawer for you? Your glove compartment in your car. But what's crazy is like. He can turn the car on and get there. No, he's big, he's got holes.

Tofu and salad or whatever. Yeah. Robbing. Cooking oil. Right, drinking used cooking oil. Breaking into a place. There have to be steps in between. Yeah, like three steps to the gas station to buy a butterfinger.

Do you think he was in such a hunger rage? Oh yes. He went to Burger King, he was mad they were closed. Right, he probably thought it was a. So he's like fuck it, I'm breaking in. He gets there at two o'clock. He breaks in, there's no food, and he's like I'm not leaving here without Consuming something what smells like that it's gotta be right feels

Around floating around is licking the floor before they she's gonna drink the oil. He's gonna go into a sauna He's gonna eat a potato right and he's gonna like make french fries in his body Sweating that out wait till she was sleep went to the restaurant to get a couple of burgers Found it closed. Uh-huh said he was hungry and depressed and that he's angry. He quote totally lost it. Oh Carter faces a total how many years in jail if? There's a hungry, hangry hippo. As a possible sentence, yeah. How many years in jail? Three. What do you think?

First of all, the wrong sentence for this guy. Right. He should be sentenced to like, work at Burger King. Or two years of vegetarianism. Two years of walking around. Also, couple therapy. Like, you can talk to your wife.

His wife just wants him to be healthy. How many years? She needs to talk to him. Five years, what do you think? Five sounds about, I'll say two just to be different. Get your answers in, Thomas. He faces a total of 35 years in jail, that's the possible sentence.

He's like, please send me anything but my wife's food. At least I don't have to eat tofu in jail. But he has offered to pay for all the damages, his little mischief is caused. Which I like, it feels better now. If Burger King is amenable, they can agree to a settlement and Burger King can accept to drop charges against Carter. If the charges are maintained, Carter is expected to appear

in Miami-Dade County on May 8th. There were no details if Carter, after being released, was asked for advice. Burger King can't be masked, you know. Their slogan is BK, have it your way. And he did. You choose. He chose the order with which he was gonna

have the ingredients. To see a doctor determine what affects drinking, this how many gallons of used and unhealthy oil will have him. Used and unhealthy oil. Or what he could do. Are you gonna make us guess gallons, weight, and age? Yep, we're gonna do all three.

And the impact of his deeds. So, let's guess how many gallons. This guy is trying to die. How many gallons of used oil did he drink? Mike, you're gonna do all three and the impact of his deeds. So let's guess how many gallons. He's trying to die. How many gallons of used oil did he drink? Mike, you're a guest. Gallons. He'd rather die than eat more tofu. Right.

Four. Wow. Four gallons. Two. Six. Get your answers in, Townies. This man, and I'll show you a picture of him, and you'll be like, yup, drank 25 gallons.

25? Oh my God! Gallons, take a gallon of gas? Nope, this guy. He's trying to die, he's trying to die. He's in the- Yeah, that's kinda what that is. He finished last in-

I'm gonna show you a picture of him. Oh! And they don't digest, they just stay there, it looks like? It goes to your neck, I think. He finished last in the meanest fantasy football league. Holy moly, dude. Look at this guy, he's as wide as a big board. Do you know the mountain from, yeah, he's like,

do you know the mountain from Game of Thrones? He's the mole. Game of Thrones, he's, Randy, this is so crazy. He's the foothill. I'm more willing to accept it's fake. And I'm not saying it is. I'm saying it's so crazy. I'm more willing to accept. You wanted to, I saw it in a lot of different publications. No, no, I'm not saying it's fake. And I'm not saying it is. I'm saying it's so crazy, I'm more willing to accept.

I saw it in a lot of different publications. No, I'm not saying you didn't do any due diligence. I'm just saying it's so out there. And that guy, I don't say this flippantly, you're gonna die. Right, how old is he? That is, who knows? 28 years old.

What do you think? Health-wise? Yeah. No. He's about two years away. Fine, but how old is he? What do you think? Health wise? Yeah. What's his body size? He's about two years away. Fine, but how old is he? What did you say?

28. 28. Why don't you go? I'm gonna say 31. 37. Get your answers in. Diabetes. He is 41 years old. Amazing.

Looks great. We're gonna get out of here on this. How much does this gentleman weigh? And'm gonna say pre drinking 25 gallons? Why would he tell them he he I'm sure they had to wait part of the jail They can't fit him into solitary confinement I worry about this guy the TV show my Fit him into solitary confinement. I worry about this guy the TV show my Thousand pound life I didn't even know I was pregnant. Yeah, how much my forge about baby edit out My 25 25 pounds more than he did fine my 25. Yeah lies a gallon a pound. I don't know. We'll say like

450 450 four and a half spins. What do you think? That dude is 580 pounds that guy's 620 pounds Get your answers in townies Mike fell zone and you could get all the dates at my father. I come I love it Daniel van Kirk calm watch rose gold watch his movie wine club come see him and then come see us Whenever we do another Tagged, see us do our two-man show at SketchFest. We love you guys. This gentleman who drank 25 gallons

of used cooking oil at a Burger King at 2 a.m., 41 years old, is Romeo Carter, 510 pounds. Oh! Hey! 510? Wow. There you go, 510. So Hey! 510? Wow. There you go, buddy. 510.

So there you go. It was for who you had for 15. I said 620. You said five. What'd you say? Oh, I said 580. God, I really want this guy to live. I hope if you do go to jail, they put you on a crazy exercise regimen.

He comes down and he's like, that's the best thing I've ever done in my life. I hope you come out 310 pounds. I mean, jail would definitely be a lot of portion control. Yep, exactly. So let's do it for this guy. That is enough for the show. We love you guys, but we can never have enough. Like fried cooking oil in a crazy haze, we want all this to continue.

We love you guys and we'll see you next week and we'll snap with you. We'll get back to work. Stick around, make a sound, there's more at Don't People Town. Stick around, make a sound, well then just have it anyway. And then you'd be like, it tastes like blood. Please don't. We moved. We moved in. My husband died. I'm not here. I died too. You know, when people like, happy holidays from the Thompsons. What they're really saying is look how great we look.

We're all still alive. We're all wearing blue jeans. You're looking at us. Listen to Ask Eliza Anything wherever you get your podcasts.