Dumb People Town - Pete Holmes - Wall To Wall Carpeting

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

Comedian Pete Holmes (https://peteholmes.com/) stops by as Jason describes how a typo lead a Maryland woman to be declared dead, Randy explains that a falconer was fired after posting a picture of his penis online after his implant surgery, and Daniel warns against cheating on your spouse near a traffic cam, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Hims! Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail. In Florida there's half price mail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan. Members don't be a jerk. We spread the music.

It's the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do.

We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. We're the funniest thing we can do. So listen to our podcast band with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members don't be a jerk, we spread the music, push the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunker down, it's Dumb People Town. Looking for a boost in the bedroom? Hims is here to help you with your personalized ED treatment options and it's all online.

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if appropriate restrictions apply, see website for details and important safety information, subscription required, price varies based on product and subscription plan. Hey, Taddies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. Population homes. Oh.

Mama. Mama, I'm coming home. Oh. They went there. You called me dumb. Are you calling me? No, we're saying you've come home to the lab. How you doing?

You think you're better than me? You once described, oh shit, Wallberg's upset with you. That was not, that was just Jerry. I know Wallberg, I didn't hear it. Nah, that was how you do it. You been good? You been good?

You been good? Getting the Dan Van. That would be right here. Getting the Dan Van, it's nice and comfortable. See, you plop it out. Sit in the comedy hammock. There's wall to wall carpeting, let's just relax. And we're here to go.

Wall to wall carpeting is when you have a real thick mane from your, all the way over your dick. It starts as your chest hair. It's your chest hair. Like a wall. It goes over the dick all the way to the butthole. That's wall to wall carpeting. Wall to wall.

And that gentleman is riffed. Number one. Put it in the box. Put it in the box. Put it in the shed carpeting. Put it in the drop. All right, shall we get into a story? Why wait?

The world is dying. Why wait? Dan flew in from Philly today. Yes, he did. Jump in. He's 15. I broke up seven fights yesterday during the game. I'm sure you did.

Oh, wait, were you at a football match? No, I was just leaning into the Philly of it all. Oh, Philly. All right, here we go. This was sent in by Kyle Anders at Late Night Nachos. Thank you, Kyle. Great handle. All the great handle.

Not a great late night nachos. What is a handle? Just your Twitter name. What is a handle? Just your Twitter. What is a handle? Just your, I feel terrible. What is a handle, bud? I answer correctly, honestly.

What was Twitter? He doesn't know what a handle is. What was Twitter? All right, here we go. Twitter, can I tell you what Twitter is? Yes, please. What is it? You just showed up, you've been in a coma for 10 years.

What's Twitter? What does this Twitter mean? Texts from strangers. There you go, that's a great thing. Texts from strangers. Texts from strangers. Thoughts from strangers. What is it? You just showed up, you've been in a coma for 10 years. What's Twitter? What is this Twitter? Texts from strangers. There you go, that's a great thing. Texts from strangers. Texts from strangers. Thoughts from strangers.

And you don't even have to reply. No, and you can disagree with them. Can leave them on read. Well, if you disagree, you can let them know too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead and let Pepsi know. Also, if you don't like something, you can just tell that person directly to them that you don't like.

The internet is like opening a window to like the most crowded Harlem streets. Right, and just screaming out loud. Or it's also. I hate this guy. The cars are not for me. Right, it's a chance for you to answer somebody else, but also take a shot at somebody else

and they get to hear it. That's right. So it's like if I'm talking to you. Hey Dan, I hate Pete. Hey Dan, you know who I hate? That J-Lo at J-Lo. And Dan's like why? One of my favorite tweets of all time.

Morgan Murphy. Before Twitter I didn't know all my jokes had answers. Aww. Thanks, Morgan. You have a little answer. Morgan Murphy, one of the best. A lot of people are saying it. I'm saying it. Love Morgan Murphy.

I'm saying it. Probably one of the best. Probably one of the best. Probably one of the best. Probably the saddest. People love Brent Weinbach. Underrated, underrated. A lot of good guys, good shoes.

Good shoes, great clothes. Always with a good coat, a sensible coat. Soft kids on him. He's wearing soft clothes. Always with a sensible coat. Twin brothers carrying the brothers. Carrying the brothers. Just saw Eddie Pepitone documentary.

Eddie Pepitone, the better Buddha, nobody calls him that. Tell Eddie to stop working out, it doesn't work if he's thin. Wait, is he thin now? He's getting there, he's getting healthy. You gotta lose a full Pepitone to even get it. I'm down to Pepitone.

By the way, he's looking very Pepitone. Pepitone. He went to Pepitone, boys. You wanna bulk or Pepitone? I wanna Pepitone. Pepitone. He went to Pepitone, boys. Do you want a bulk or Pepitone? I want a Pepitone up. Take a shot. All right, Jago.

Here's the headline. That freaks me out, a skinny Pepitone. That's like American Horror Story. That's on the other menu at Cheesecake Factory. That's right. Yeah, the skinny Pepitone. He'll have a Cobb salad and the lady will have a skinny. But in the menu, it's still 8,000 calories.

Yeah exactly. What? The skinny pepper cup is 8,000. Well don't make my good choice bad to me. It's a pepperoni martini. That's the problem. I'm not the first to this, but don't put the calories in the fun.

Don't do it. Don't do it. We're here to indulge. We're here to enjoy. Maria just got divorced and we're celebrating. That's, I mean, I just got custody of three of the kids. Let's celebrate. That's worth an avocado egg roll. Am I the first person to say that I want to start

a dating app called Unhinged? Yeah, Unhinged. And literally you get to know, like, she's crazy. She'll call you every day, but she's available. And then you're in it. Light stalking. He's an asshole. He'll take control of your life.. And then you're in it. Light stalking. He's an asshole. He'll take control of your light. He'll try to control your mind.

Light stalking. He'll explain your job to you. That's right. He's writing a manifesto. He's on Unhinged. They don't call it a woman-a-festo. Where did you? That's right.

Something about having a weiner. You want to tell the government what you're gonna do in the woods. Pete, just go on Blue Sky. Just write, they don't call it a woman of Festo. That's all you need to say. And then get off, and then get off. That's an entire joke.

Here's a dad question, what is Blue Sky? Twitter before the anger gets there. Nice Twitter. Oh, it's nice Twitter? So far, yeah, yeah. Ron Funches presents Twitter. Thank you. Giggly Twitter and giggle vision.

All right, you ready? Here we go. Messes Up My Life. This is a headline. Oh, it's a headline. Messes Up My Life. Messes Up My Life. How a typo led to a Maryland woman being declared dead.

Okay. Now, not D-E-D. Not I'm dead from that story. Right. D-E-A-D. Jimmy Carter was dead a few years before he died. Remember that? Broke wide one day on the news. Oh yeah, like everybody. Jimmy Carter was dead a few years before he died. Remember that?

Broke wide one day on the news. Oh yeah. Who else is dead that isn't dead? Remember there were like dead? Yeah. Remember people kept reporting? Mark Twain? Mark Twain was dead, not dead.

Newman from Seinfeld. Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Wasn't that the Mark Twain? I believe that was Wayne Knight. Newman. Wayne Knight. Night. Night.

He lived in our first apartment in New York City. Skinny Nite? That thing is, you have to have a tongue. Here's the crazy thing, while we were there. No. Not the new, no. Okay, a Maryland woman trying to renew her driver's license was turned away because she had been declared dead.

Driving her into the painstaking process of bringing herself back to life. So you're the DMV worker, you look at the woman who is clearly alive in front of you, and you say, sorry ma'am, you cannot get a license because you're dead. You're dead. You're dead.

What is this, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice? I don't acknowledge the first one. You're dead. Only Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. She had to whisper, I see dead people. No, that's just Haley Joel Osmond. He's trying to get up. Haley Joel works at the DMV.

Is this a ghost? I mean, that's dumb. That's stupid. That's right on brand. To be looking at the person saying, you can't get a license because you're dead. You're dead. You're dead.

You're dead. You're dead to me. Look at her. She's dead. Look at her. Jewish mothers won't give you a license either because you're dead to them. She's dead. She's dead to me.

She's dead to me. I ripped my clothes. I would say to who? Because he doesn't call. All right, Nicole Paulino of Gaithersburg was shocked by what popped up in the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration System. So you know, it's like, is it Baltimore, Maryland? It's gay daddy or Royce?

Gay daddy. You're dead, hon. You're dead. You're dead to me, hon. All right. It then appears that I am deceased, she said. I got a little frightened. Why would you get frightened? You don't have to be scared.

You know you're alive. She got scared that she's dead? Dead, yeah. That's like, remember that viral internet video where it was audio, where someone called 911, and they ate a pot brownie, and they... Oh, yeah, it's a cop. We think we're dead.

We think we're dead. It's a cop. We're dead. And then he went and got a license, and he's like, it's a cop, cop. Do we think we're dead? We think we're dead. It's a cop, we're dead. Yeah, we're dead. And then he went and got a license and he was like, you're dead. I knew it. You're not dead. I'm dead.

What a relief if we were dead. If I told you you're dead, wouldn't you be so relieved? Oh my God, you're like, go to freedom. You'd be like, Dan, you're dead. And you'd be like, how did it happen? I'd be like, you wanna see the video? I'd just start walking. It would be the best.

It'd be like, with house money. Yeah, yeah. Yes. I don't have to worry about dying again. The thing you're so worried about. And then you're gonna be like, there is afterlife dead though. You're gonna die here.

You're gonna die again? But guess what? That'll be a surprise too. You'll be like, you're dead again. That would be the best. It would be the best. And dead flicks still won't do our special. Dead flicks.

They won't do our special. I have a question. Wait, if you were dead, Netflix would do your special. Do your special. We don't have enough dead people specials on there sure they have fans But are they dead that's what they're saying over at scar brothers dead to you. It's good Dead to us. I have a like a legal process question. Yeah sure but before he says anymore I'm almost went to law school the three of us. Yeah

Where's the first place you go if you're supposedly dead? Oh my guess you're dead Yeah, we're just on your own brain power. You don't look anything up. Oh my office. Okay. I don't know if that's bad Cuz my guess was County clerk. Yeah, you gotta go does that so a notary. Oh my god You're gonna get notarized right down that I'm dead and then stamp it verify then you are not Then you are notarized alive. City of Glenbam. County clerk feels right. Look, county clerk is good. Registrar? Yeah, you gotta go to where? That's a college, isn't it?

Go to where they, uh. The bursars office? The comptroller? Birth certificate, death certificate. Yes, I gotta go to the birther office. But if you're. I gotta start spreading rumors that I'm not alive. LA, you go like LA County.

You know who does it? Insurance. Go claim your own death insurance. You know who does it? Insurance. Go claim your own death insurance. You know who does it directly? Karen Bass, mayor of LA. She does it. Oh, on the side? She'll do that instead of showing up for a fire.

All right. Do you think you're dead? Come to me and I will agree. We will do it. How many times have you been dead? I'm Sweet James. All right, here we go. Ah!

Sweet James. Bergener? There's something in Sweet James' eyes. Sweet James Bergener? That I don't trust. That's scary. Really? He might be dead. He might be dead. He does have certain eyes. More of a Peter Francis-terrace-y. There's something in sweet James's eyes that I don't trust. Really? He has serpentine eyes.

He does have serpentine eyes. More of a Peter Francis Tracy. And I don't like a grown man that's like, I'm sweet James, I'm a lawyer, but I'm sweet James. I'm sweet James Bergener. No. And I don't like the insurance companies that are like, I'm just a lady with a dog. Yeah, well I just killed a kid, right?

What about Adriana? That was too dark. I'm just saying, the road has a kid. Right. What about when I need help? What about Adriana? That was too dark. I'm just saying the road has a lot of stuff. Just saying if you put the dog in the ad, you're never going to be able to deal with serious stuff. That's what I'm saying. So the riff stands.

The riff stands. The riff is very dark. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Plus, we're all dead dead so it doesn't matter. It then appears that I'm deceased, I've got a little frighten, I'm not gonna lie, and surprised because I'm alive.

I'm here. Right, right. And surprised. The MVA told Paulino they couldn't renew her license, she said. She also got a letter from the IRS saying deceased taxpayer, health insurance was canceled. I mean this is causing a problem.

This is bad. For her and her three kids, medical bills are piling up mean this is bad, this is bad. For her and her three kids, medical bills are piling up. She can't get the inhaler she needs for her asthma. She is gonna die. She's gonna die. She's gonna die. She will die because she's dead. As a result of being deceased, she will die.

Because you're dead we're not gonna. You're going to die. You don't get an inhaler. You know what the worst thing. The first thing dead people stop doing is inhaling. The Domino's app doesn't even work. Not gonna give you an exhaler either. You know, you get one exhale and that's it.

What? And then you're done. You did your big one. It's a one and done. A final gasp. Lyft doesn't know where to pick me up. I'm not showing up on their app. All right. I can't see myself in mirrors. That's the worst part of finding out that you're dead. You are going to die.

And why do vampires look so slick if they can't see themselves? Yeah, they should be, there should be more fat like faux pas. They should look like Zac Galifian., they should be there should be more fat Some hair should be out of place One He got a little, believe me. Trying to be slick like Candelabra. You got a little something. He's got one ball coming out of his. I can't see it in the mirror. I can't see it in the mirror. Here's a question. Can a vampire see himself in selfie mode?

Because if he can, he's stoked. He is. Really? This is the workaround. It's a camera. You can photograph a vampire. You This is the workaround. Because it's a camera. It's not. It's a camera. You can photograph a vampire. You can, but you're not, but you can't see it in a mirror.

Unbelievable. And a mirror is just a camera of nature. Right. You know what, put that on blue sky. Ah! A mirror is not a womanifesto. Here's me explaining a mirror to a caveman. It's a stream.

You know, sometimes you look at a stream. Yeah. And you can see yourself in it. This is so- You know when a stream is still? You know when a stream's on your wall? Hey, you know what the best part is that the mirror, you know what it's made out of?

The sand next to the stream. Yeah, we melted it down. Yeah. It's easy to know. Glass pebbles. Glass and mirrors are so weird. Just heat up sand. I think glass and mirrors is all Glass and mirrors are so weird. Just heat up sand. I think glass and mirrors is all smoke and mirrors.

You are my talented friend. It's all smoke and mirrors. She said this really messes up my life. Yes. It has affected me a lot. You don't have a life, lady. You dead. You dead.

News reached out to various Maryland government agencies to figure out how this could have happened Then Paulino got a call from Social Security. She said they told me the mistake was due to a typo Yeah, how does this not happen more often? Well, well, there we go typo. I'm showing up at that office According here's the good news. It's only gonna take you 18 weeks to like The luck inhaling this is being read to us as though, walked into the DMV, then everything started piling up. The DMV is when she was confronted

with the ramifications of it. But she had this, she had it stuff. She had it dead already, yeah. The insurance company, nothing moves fast. No. Like this had to be weeks or months of her being like, what am I getting this mail for? It was in the making.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in the offing. She got AARP, AARA-R-I-P, in the magazine. We got there. We got there, I didn't have it. No, we found it. And you saw me get there. And you found it.

Yeah, we got there. It was one of those like double landings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're, you're, you're. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. He bounced down. No, because we fly enough that you can tell when it's gonna be really smooth.

You can tell when it's like, oh, we're above for long enough that this is gonna stay in, and then there's ones you can go, we're gonna bounce. I appreciate that so much. And I feel like a connoisseur. I often say to the pilot on the way out, great landing. And Dan, if you get the double bounce, will from the back of the plane be like, are we all good up there? Yeah, everyone good? Everybody good?

You guys all right all right times for old Time sake I'll just start a clap do you remember what everybody used to clap you should clap every time I? Do if I'm with someone else of it. We're clapping at the end of this flight They're like do not get a clap going you could oh yes. Here's a premise You know the movie could always it's the same clap with this at the end of a movie in the end of a flight It's the same clap. I can't with this. At the end of a movie and the end of a flight, it's the same clap. People clap in Wicked, at the end of The Wizard of Oz, everyone clapped and I'm like guys.

Can I please say this? I went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean or Caribbean. Talk me down. Caribbean or Caribbean. It's Caribbean. Pirates of the Caribbean ride. And then you go to the Caribbean. If you want to go to a Caribbean brunch,

you go to a Caribbean. So rugs are oriental. And prior people,ads are Asian. All right, guys. Ah! I'll have the Chinese Asian salad. People are, so, the Asian American salad. I go to Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

The premiere of it in Long Island. It's not the premiere. Dead man tell no tales. You're saying that wrong. It's not the premiere. It's the opening weekend. Yes. First time it's being shown on a screen.

Okay. Friday night in Long Island, this is years ago, I went with Amy, packed theater. I mean. Packed. We're just going. You took your wife? I took my wife.

Real quick. Thank you. I took my wife. Nice. It's been bucks. And we go and Jack Sparrow comes on the screen for the first time, people cheer. And I turn to

my wife and I'm like, who's that for? Who's that for? If not for these people. No! Who's it for? He can't hear you. He can't hear you. I agree. He's getting... Probably the worst clapping I've ever heard. That to me is wild. Wild. Because the end I can see it's a release of like of like ah we watched it But when he comes on the sitcom Kramer Urkel entrance for someone to walk on and everybody's face

That Jay and I when we this is how I knew we would go into stand-up comedy Okay, when we were teenagers young like maybe like 12 or 13 years old we go to see The Muni at the outdoor Annie get your gun sure Florence Henderson and you get your gun Outdoor it's like the Hollywood Bowl 11,000 people Apparently the dog in Annie get your gun played tiger on the Brady Bunch Okay, this is the same dog and they made a point to say that in the program. I bet they tiger a Louis We're excited. All right, we're excited Dog comes on for the first time walks on everybody applause

I have a real Be thankful a real inside your heart question for the we made that joke who does it because I think these days are gone But have you ever thought about what that feeling must have been like in the 80s, 90s, and 70s? To be a character or an entertainment personality and you walk onto the set for the three camera episode that you're doing and you have to take the pause. What that must have felt like. That was the best moment in extras.

Best moment in extras ever. Chris Martin on the thing, in the show, without a fourth wall. I mean, with the fourth wall. They applaud for him and he acknowledges it from the studio audience. But it happened. You remember, we've seen it.

Sammy Davis Jr. would walk on. The place would go and say, and he would give a little tip, and then they would start the scene. Those are, that's over. But imagine in your little entertainer heart. Who'd'd you see John Mahoney from Frasier the dance Yes, I saw him in a play because I'm cultured. Yes, you're sorry. Am I yogurt over here? Sorry. You're good I'm so cultured Comes out but it's a drama. It's like a serious thing. Yeah, nobody cared. He came out everyone cheered and he's like

She's dead He came out, everyone cheered, and he's like, she's dead! Everyone's like, I raped your cousin! No, you're not listening. And he stayed in character. I'm going to... I'm going to ask you, here's, I think, the best thing that's ever happened to men.

Okay. That could happen. You're in a beautiful city, you're backstage in Las Vegas. You have a lit cigarette. Of course. You walk out, it's a shiny black stage, but the house lights are down. Yes.

You come out, the lights aren't even up yet, and you go, I get no kick from Shannay. And the light comes up. And the crowd goes nuts. And the swell of the baod. And then everyone claps. Yes. The smoke.

Sinatra got this all the time. He'd get one or two lines out, big applause, go back into the song but the difference is like Sinatra didn't have to like feel bad about no Who play has to be like sorry the floutist is also excellent there. Everybody's here Frankie was like shut the fuck up It's for me. It's my time Take this moment to acknowledge the fact that we are on land that is in our, shut the fuck up.

I did it my way. Where were you, Jason? According to representatives at a funeral home, tried to report someone else dead. A funeral home tried to report someone else dead but got one digit wrong in the social security number. Funeral home did things to Harlino's numbers said, it affected my health, my mental health,

and she said trailing off crying. Ugh. I'm gonna say it, where does a funeral home get off with home? It's not a home. It's not a home. It's not a home. It's a place where we went on that sad afternoon

and the carpet smells like tears. It's a place for piano music and lilies. Piano music and lilies. Soft organ. You know what sucks is my favorite music and lilies. Soft organ. Yeah. You know what sucks is my favorite music is muted organ music. So I just have to go to funerals and be like,

that's all right. That's my, I love this one. Shit. It's my muted organ. It's my jam. That's what my wife calls me, muted organ. Muted organ, that's what you call your penis, the muted organ.

She's like, can we take the volume down on that? It's already muted. We've got the full wall to wall carpeting down there. You can literally hear the pedal being stepped on. You are too funny. You're too funny. I like my organ so muted. I want to hear.

There's one of the, you pull it out. I want to hear the pedal go back up. There's one of the pop-ups you pull out that makes it sound like it's under a pillow. I want that, and I want it to be so soft. That dull jump. That you hear the... This could be an entire show called Church Talk.

Church Talk. This is such a church, Jake. And Jay and I would be all over this. I'd be all up in that. The two Jews here, we'd be all over this. That's why there was full Jewish respect in that. Oh my God. Only been to church twice,

I know exactly what you're talking about. Oh my God. You hear the foot. Remember on the Sopranos, you could always hear his feet scuffing? Do you remember that? His breathing, we said his breathing was like a character. His breathing had a different agent.

His breathing is unbelievable. Knock it out with them. You need some breathing? Knock it out with the drums, AJ! Okay, here we go. AJ! Records are highly accurate and more than three million death reports

they received every year, at least, I'm not gonna tell you what percent of what percent are need to be corrected. Is this James Adomian, man? But how many reports are wrong each year? One percent of the one. Little percent, little percent, little percent. How many, how many, I mean, I gave you the percentage

you can do the math. But how many people are falsely identified as dead every year? Yes, as bit, little bit. How many, I mean I gave you the percentage you can do the math. How many people are falsely identified as dead every year? Every year. So I think this is a remarkable scenario, but how many times does this happen a year in the country? No, 20%. Out of three million.

Out of three million percent? I'm gonna say 3,000 times a year. 3,000 times a year, out of three million. Go ahead, Dan. Because I'm gonna be honest, I haven't brought it up yet, but it happened to me. Did it really? No 10,000 10,000 times 20,000 times 20,000 times. All right, one of you is exactly right. Oh, I'm gonna switch to Petey's You're searching a pee. Yeah

I'm gonna switch to be, you're gonna say, a black dress sock reconnecting with the loom. Gold toe, gold toe. Of course gold toe. Of course. Ooh. The kind of frantic shuffling to be like, boom, boom. Boom, boom.

Do do do do do do do. As his wife Linda helps with the communion. With the offering. With the offering, yeah. Pass it around. Pass it around. All right, you say move to Pete three. What do you say, Dan?

Dan, are you gonna stay? Dan, are you gonna stay at 20K? Peace be with you. Dan, are you gonna stay at 20K? He's be with you. Dan, are you staying at 20? Yeah. Stop whispering. All right, get your answers in.

Randy, you should have stayed. 10,000. Ah! Every year. I thought Pete was, happens almost on a daily basis. Convince me. Almost daily. Yeah, Joseph McClellan told News 4,

he's built a business out of bringing people back from the dead. Of course he did. This could be a show on CBS. Give me the paddles. The life giver. Here I come. The impact is the worst impact you can have

on your credit report. C-P-R-I-P. Nice! Right? This is building on his. Wait, it sucks for your credit? Yeah. It's the worst impact you have on your credit report. Yeah.

Because you died. Because you died. Yeah, a Prince George County family felt that impact two years ago when 13-year-old Elise Allen was declared dead. What? Sounds crazy. Me on the phone arguing with somebody trying to explain to

them, my daughter is not dead. Darby Nye of Arlington, Virginia was declared dead in 2021, alive in 2022, and then dead again in 2023. Wait, at that point, it's on you. No. It impacted her insurance and her pension. She's alive long fully dead Dead what is that? I'm double dead

Come back, and I'll be triple dead Stacey Jason stay this is him calling his name. I'm Jason And he fucks it up And he fucks it up too. Checking. I'm Jathan Statham. I'm Jathan Statham. Then he storms out? No, he's like, Statham.

Agent. Agent. Agent. Agent. Statham. Agent. I want to talk to a person. Jason.

Wait, what did you say? Statham? Jathan Statham. You know why I'm leaving you, don't you? Because I'm Jason. Jathan Statham. I'm Jathan Statham. Jason Statham. You know why I'm leaving you, don't you? Because I'm Jason. Jason Statham. I'm Jason Statham. Fuck!

But he won't come back. And you're talking to a dead man. And I'm triple dead love. I've been watching Jason Statham movies and I've had the volume up at like 40 and I'm like, it still needs to go higher. I can't hear what he's saying. He's whispers.

He's whispering. He's whispering. He'd be whispering. He needs to have Pepitone. Paulino said that after News 4 got involved, she finally got a letter from Social Security Administration Wednesday saying she's been officially brought back to life. Like they did her a favor.

You didn't do anything. Look what we did for you. Hey, you should be grateful. There's a lot of that. I tried doing it myself and I didn't get anything resolved. If it wasn't for NBC News, NBC News saved her. Come on now. Sorry, did you for NBC News, NBC News saved her. Come on now.

So did you say NBC Nudes? NBC Nudes. The horniest man on Earth. NBC Nudes. All Nudes. Nightly Nudes. All night. There's Nudes Nightly.

Nightly Nudes. Wait, strip club called Nightly Nudes. Nightly Nudes. This is where we teach you. Every stripper's at a designated. 24 hour nude cycle. Yeah. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. Where do you get your nudes from? I'm a dude to Don Myers. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes.

Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes.

Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes.

Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. That's just the kind of hard nude I like. All right, Social Security says...

Fake nudes. Fake nudes. Sorry. Breaking nudes. One more. Breaking nudes. That last 69 was fake nudes. Social Security said anyone mistakenly declared dead should contact them as soon as possible

so they can take immediate action. Contact who? Social Security. You'll have to provide at least one form of current identification and make sure you get that letter confirming you're alive. Let me hand you this letter that proves that I'm alive in order to fix all the other issues. I want to try and see if I got her age on there somewhere. Did you get her age on there? 57. No, but isn't that crazy?

But you could spend your own life insurance. Am I the only one with a robust enough policy that I'm like, this would be good news? No, I have a big policy. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Hey! I got a big policy. This guy's got a big policy. I got probably the biggest policy in the world.

All right, let's take a break. One of the things, my policy's quite large. It's quite large. I love that you merge him a little bit with like old Travolta. Yeah, that was wrong. I wrote a Woody Allen joke. It'll take us into the break.

Okay, let's hear it. I had an out-of-body experience. Unfortunately, it was during a massage. Ha ha ha! Great. All right, guys, we take a break. We come back. Pete Holm's with us.

I'm so excited. We'll be right back. Stick around, make a sound. There's more to people town. Hey, gang, welcome back to the show. Before we get into how you can follow The Great Pete Holmes, see him live, see him whenever he does his thing,

and he just taped a new special, which will be out somewhere. We don't know where, we'll figure it out. We'll tell you how to support it. Somebody around here has to have some vision. Right. And they will. Reference an off-mic conversation.

Is that good podcasting? It's great. To reference an off-mic conversation? Why not? Where are you gonna be, boys? So we should tell you where we're gonna be and where you can catch us. So we have, if this comes out before the sixth,

we're doing another Tag It at the Comedy Store on the sixth last year. Tag It! Fun show. So fun, and we've tagged many of both of y'alls. And it's truly a joy in our lives. You guys are easy because you both write phenomenal structures for jokes.

So then when we come in we're like, oh. But if you also said this, and this and this and this. We drop it in the buckets that you so neatly set up. So it is a joy to do it for you guys. But Nick Thune's on that show, Chris Spencer's on that show, somebody else. Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins.

And more. And more. So that's gonna be great. Superschoolers.com for that. And then we're starting to sell tickets for Detroit, which is happening. We're gonna be at the Aspen Comedy Festival of all places. I didn't realize that was still happening.

We're going back to do the Wheeler Opera House. That's gonna be fantastic on March 12th. Wait, it's back? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know, we're going. I thought the DMV declared that one. No, it's not dead.

Social Security said it was back. It's one number off. One number off. So we're there on the not dead. Social Security said it was back. It's one number off, one number off. So we're there on the 12th. And then. I feel it. And then. You'd be amazed at how much Rory and I do this.

And then the 13th. How close can we get without touching it? The electricity! Now close your eyes and tell me when I move it away. Okay, you moved. Damn it. He stayed, he stayed. I wasn't even trying to trick you, I wanted to.

No, I felt it. No, you wanted to. Yeah, no, I felt like I felt like you. Maybe because you closed your eyes, he stayed. Anyway. I wasn't even trying to trick you, I wanted to. No, I felt it. No, you wanted to. Yeah, no, I felt like I felt like you. Maybe because you closed your eyes, there was less juice. Detroit, Minneapolis, and Denver. Sorry, Detroit's an issue again now. Anyway, good stuff, good stuff. All around, supersquadrads.com.

We wanna, look, we just had great shows in La Jolla, so thank you to everyone who came out for those shows, so let's just keep it rolling, shall we, supersquadrads.com? And then I will let you know when the movie Science Fair that we were in is out. Oh, and Night Court, we did Night Court, which was so much fun and that'll be out in like a month or so, anyway.

They're not bringing Randy, her ex-boyfriend back this season. Oh, did you, you did, oh, you were Randy. You were great on that, yes you were. Yes you were, Pete. I did not know you did this. I do remember that, Maybe you will come back. Yeah, right.

Bring him back. Bring us back. Rouch is like crumpling up a picture of my face right now. Nah, not happening. Can I just tell you, can I tell you that was super fun? Super fun. See that show? Done like a multi-game sitcom done on the highest level.

That's what we felt as we were there. I love that. Lovely. I don't disagree. What dates do you have coming up? Yeah, we're gonna be. Let's get people out of the fun. When is this coming out?

This might come out. Next couple weeks, next two weeks. Well, Arizona. Thank you. Oh man, I'm gonna look up. Stand up live? No. I don't know where I am in Arizona.

Oh, this is on airplane mode. Don't open set airs. Come on. Don't open set air. Come on. Don't open set air. Help him get there. When's your next Largo? Are you doing? Largo is on February 15th.

That's a great one. That's a great little Valentine's trip. Oh my God, you're so right. That is a Valentine's day. Take a look. Look, here we go. Here it is. Salt Lake City's This Weekend, Phoenix.

Los Angeles on February 15th. Vancouver just had a second show there. Austin, Texas, Nashville, and then Royal Oak, Michigan. Yeah, you're doing When You Win Royal Oak. That one isn't for a while, because I have to write a new hour. That's Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. We're doing Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle.

I love it. Oh, it is Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Great room, unbelievable room, beautiful. And I'm friends with his son Ryan Ridley. Started in Chicago with me. Nice. Good man, Peter Parker style. Ridley's believe it or not.

I do believe it. And not. Okay. Also not. Alldatespeethomes.com, there you go, I do that. Follow him, jump into this, shall we? Yes. Send him by ericjameshiltner at EJH3K.

And we are all Hiltner's honors. Hiltner's honors. It helps us get better pillows. That's right. Do they give you better pillows? Yeah, otherwise they give you those square ones. Wait, if you're an honors member, they give you a better pillow?

If you're a Hiltner honors, I don't know, this guy. I would upgrade if it was pillow. Warm chocolate chip cookies. You gotta join the Hiltner program. Laszlo fires, Fauci? Join the Hiltner program. Laszlo fires, Fowchee? Laszlo fires Fascist Falconer for posting penis implant pictures.

Best headline ever. And I can't believe I screwed this. Can you say it one more time? Say it one more time. Excuse me, Lazio. Lazio is a soccer team. I said Lazlo. It's Lazio, it's a soccer team in Italy.

Fires Fascist Falconer for posting penis implant pictures. Okay, Luigi Mangione. Yeah, that's a soccer team in Italy, fires fascist Falconer for posting penis implant pictures. Okay, Luigi Mangione. Yeah, that's a good one. Had a penis implant. He did? On Monday. On Monday.

Italian soccer. Healthcare wouldn't cover it. Lazio fired its long time Falconer. And now we know what happened. Because he's a fascist penis poster. He's a fascist Falconer, Juan Bernabe, which I would argue that probably a lot of people are fascist if you're a falconer

because you believe you have power over animals. Right. That's right. When you're a falconer, you extend your fucking arm, it flies away, it knows to come back to your arm. It flies away. It flies away and it comes back to your arm. With a hood on it. With a hood on it.

Even your birds wear hoods. Lands on, does the bird need blinders? You're with a hood on. With a hood on it. Even your birds wear hoods. Wands. Does the bird need blinders? Anyway. Looks like someone's got the real blinders on. So this Spaniard who was working for an Italian club because apparently- Spaniard's one of those words.

I know you don't mean it in a bad way. But this Spaniard. It's like bastard. It's bad. It's Spaniard. I think dirty Spaniard is something you cannot say. It does give it a connotation. This guy is a dirty Spaniard.

He posted photos on social media of himself. Wait for it. Following a penile implant surgery. His statement, Lazio said, we and the historic symbol of the eagle can no longer be associated with a person who has his behavior has made the continuation of any relationship impossible.

Which I'm sure he said to a few birds along the way. Sure, I'm sure he said that to all the birds. The club also said it was quote stunned to see the photos. I mean they couldn't believe how big his junk was. Hey, come on. As a result of Bernabes firing the club's eagle, Olympia, will not fly at an upcoming match as is tradition. So now the eagle has to suffer because of this guy?

That's his big gig. He's like the dog from the Brady button. Tiger, yay! You mean tiger? Lazio's statement acknowledged the hurt that will be felt by the club's fans over Olympia's absence Olympias abs really is that like who's coming to the thing me like Where's the eagle? Where's the yeah? I came for the eagle? I guess I'll stay for the same people that go to air shows or maybe into like the eagle

Sure, but like but you don't have to go to a soccer match football man eagle for where you gonna Go see an eagle an eagle is an impressive animal animal. An eagle and falcon are very different. I was playing Red Dead Redemption 2. I saw an eagle, didn't shoot it. You saw an eagle where? What? In Red Dead Redemption 2 and I didn't shoot it. And is that an option to shoot? You can shoot whatever you want.

And if you get an eagle in Red Dead Redemption 2... Hold on. You can harvest its feathers. You can? Are you like me? Do you ever just fire up the Red Dead 2 just to ride around for a while? Of course. It's like being in Naked.

I do it so much. Can I tell you? You guys still gotta learn how to play golf. I don't even know that I'm playing. I haven't even finished the game. I've had the game for years. No, you just gotta clop around. I would just rather ride around, have somebody go, hey.

So you're on a horse in the Old West. You're out in the wild. And somebody says, hey, can you help me move this? I thought Red Dead 2. Yes. them. I thought Red Dead 2. Yes, yeah. I thought Red Dead 2 was the Star Wars one where it's about all the people who died getting the thing.

No, no, no, it's open. No, it's open. Is that Rogue one? It's Rogue, Rogue Nation. It's Westworld video game. It's the best. It's, I, uh, I love it to death. I do too.

Oh, you're this close, by the way. You can buy, cause no, this is such a snooze, but it's my one hot tip. Let's hear it. Nobody wants 1080p projectors. So you can buy a projector, a 1080p projector, which by the way is fucking fantastic. It's amazing.

It's amazing. It's a movie theater in your house. Better than anyone's ever seen. So you are $200 and a wall away from playing Red Dead Redemption like on a 7,000 inch screen and being like, I live in 1889. I find it so peaceful.

Sometimes I'll just go play Blackjack for a while. I'm telling you, it's the game for men in their 20s. You're like, I have a different life. I have somebody else in this world. I don't even know that that's even too, I'm literally just riding around. I text Dan, I'm like, hey man, you wanna hang out? He's like, nah, I'm homesteading. That's fair. You I'm literally just riding around I text Dan. I'm like, hey man. You want to hang out? He's like now I'm homesteading that you don't say guys and then I'll come across like a tick-tock

And some people go did you know that this was here in this place in Red Dead? I'm like, all right, I guess I'm gonna go solve this Greatest thing ever. That's like telling me like hey, there's a murder podcast about someone in Malibu I'm like, I'm here. I am for the next six hours. The game is... It's off the charts. I sometimes let my daughter watch me play, I don't do anything violent. You don't need to.

But I'll hunt, and I think it helped her understand where like meat comes from. Right. I believe that. Cause she's like, oh, cause I'm skinning a deer. Speaking of understanding where meat comes from. Sorry. According to Spanish newspaper, El Confidencial.

Okay, so Bernabi who had built... It newspaper El Confidencial. Uh huh. Okay so Bernabe who had built. It's La Confidencial, it's LA Confidencial. LA Confidencial. So stupid. He's been with the club since 2010. This guy's been with the club for a long time. Now to jeopardize all that,

the two men at the club's training ground form mellow. In an interview with radio station Radio 24, Bernabe explained that the implant allows him to control his erections and how long he lasts during sexual activity. He's now giving this interview to Radio 24, explaining that he has to ejaculate whenever I have some free time.

Where does the fascist part come in? Why? Yeah, I don't know. What does that mean? He has to ejaculate whenever I have some free time? I I don't you went on to say that it was a marvelous surgery and that his erection is natural Okay, buddy We're going to talk about with his implant I can press a button and it lets me perfectly control both the erection and the duration this guy wants to control every press of

But nature he wants to control his erections, but there's no jizz button, there's no trigger? I don't know. No, he said he can do both. No, it doesn't say he can control the jizz. Can he switch it to Netflix? He just says he has to. Go back to home. I gotta change the input.

I gotta change the, whose password is this, your mom's? If you're interested in seeing the offending him. It's on a joystick, we're switching the paddles. That's such an old answer. I liked it, I liked it. I got it. Let me first try to disabuse you of your curiosity. But if that doesn't work, here you go.

Burnaby appears to have no regrets about posting the photos, even after it cost him his job. I'd like to commend all of us for not saying anything about Burnaby, no matter how many times he says it. None of us have gone down this route. I've thought of something. I have as well, each time you said it. Burnabay?

What's his full name again? Burnaby. Burnaby? Burnabay? Burnaby? Burnabay. Burnaby the Scrivener? Bartleby?

I'm trying to do the Spanish, it's Burnabay. I love that. Burnabay. My conscience is fine. Sounds like something that's off menu for the night. Right, it's like when you roast your girlfriend, you Burnabay. Okay, okay.

Peter. Sweetheart, get over here, I'm gonna Burnab bag. We have the burn a bag, which is prepared in a brunei sauce. Oh, oh. We like it. A fresh bread of Israeli couscous. It's like a baked Alaska, if Alaska was in. All right, so I grew up, he says,

for me, nudity is normal, because I grew up in a naturist family, naturist family, with an open mind. Okay. I don't understand what my photo has to do with pornography, he went on to expand on his reasons for the surgery, which are best summarized by. You mean he elongated on it?

He started as one, he rubbed it even. He said it started with the best, summarized with I love to fuck. Everyone loves sex. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, but I like sex like all men. And men always try to have better sexual capabilities. I'm a very active man, and I live with a partner,

but I go out with other women. This is probably new stuff. He's trying to lose the job. My partner knows about this because she understands that to me, sex is a necessity. She has a very open mind. I like to have sex one or two times a day. I would say once or twice, but that's me

if I'm saying it that way. One or two times a day. I would say once or twice, but that's me if I'm saying it that way. One or two times a day. Les Bernabe come off as quick, quirky, yet harmless, quirky yet harmly sex enthusiast. You should know that he was previously suspended by Lazio in 2021 for chanting, Duce, Duce, leader, leader, in honor of the former Italian dictator Benito Mussolini

with a group of fans after a victory over Inter Milan. He was also caught on. He was also. Mussolini likes Pussolini. Yay! Pussolini. And he's praised his Juscelini all over the place. Oh my, I'm gonna Juscelini!

Let him press the button. Hey! So he also was caught on tape doing a fascist salute, which you can do now. Yeah. Right. You can do that now. That's invited.

All the time, at the time of his suspension. Celebrate it. At the time of the suspension, he did a fascist salute. Okay. Burnaby not only wasn't trying to like get an eagle out of the sky. Yeah, I don't know. It's possible.

But went above and beyond praising both Mussolini and former Spanish strongman Francisco Franco, saying he admires both of them and that he's proud of it. Bernabeu eventually returned to the club. Return to the club! That's how much they needed a falconer. This is after the fascism, before the pornography.

After the pornography. They don't call the club Nazio for nothing. There you go, that's my joke. What? I wrote that. Oh. Oh, that's a good one. Better than reading it. I got a curve ball over here. But the set it likeball over but the Senate like I said it like I read it, but I read I saw and read it that I said it

Dead red set that red dead red That was my red dead dead red redemption red dead dead redemption It's a spaghetti western. But the penis photos were abridged too far. Spaghetti western! I said it, you gave him credit. I heard it, I listened to it when looking at him. So he said it.

Bernabe spoke of his time at Lazio, finally saying to be part of Lazio and honor in every way. It made me feel more masculine. As for Mussolini, I admire him very much. Stop talking about Mussolini! Stop talking, period! Just stand there with your arm out, let the bird fly around and go home. It's like they always say, you take the good with the bad

and the prosthetic penis with the dickhead. That was me too. So if you can have an erection whenever you want, and you're summoning a falcon. Whenever you want. There's a perch. That's right, there's always a perch. Drop the trout.

That's why we'll get out of here on this. How old is this goddamn Spaniard? How old is this Spaniard? Yeah If you had to guys now know everything you need to know about having sex one to two times a day one to two He wanted to touch it, but he can't do it without the button He wants to do it. I got my I'm gonna say 48 48 okay. Yeah, it sounds like a dude that's done a lot of work. Not necessarily the right work,

but he had a really horny therapist. He was like, we just like to fuck! Yeah, just like to fuck! Is that bad? Don't say no to your inner button. Yes, I'm gonna say 43. Jay, what do you think? 56.

Okay. One of you is exactly right. Shut up. He didn't look at me at all, so I think it's me. I think it's me, I'm staying. I'll stay with myself. I was looking at both of you when you said that, so you said it.

Okay. How do you know? What do you think? Are you gonna stay with what you are? Yeah, you stay. Oh, of course I stay. He's confident. Get your answers in, townies.

We'll take a break, we'll find out what Dan's got going on next. Sure. Dan will get us going, but this man, Juan Bernabe, is 56 years old. Oh! Let's go.

Somebody's been on the show every single, single episode. No, but you guys are right. You guys are right. You guys are right. Yeah, sometimes. Turn that frown right upside down. Put on a big, thick flannel coat.

If you took a castle digger. Moat. Everybody knows that a goat has a scrotum. The size of China. Chilis? Chilis. By the way, if you told me that was the song to Red Dead Redemption, I'd be like, yeah. Yeah, that is.

Let's take a break. We come back. Daniel, can you give us a little taste of what we're going to hear in segment three? Oh, yeah. A horrible speed camera photo. I love it. I love it every time. Pete Holmes with us, Dumb People Town.

We got one more segment to go, stay with us. Stick around, make a sound, there's more to people town. Guys, life is stressful. I'm talking to you men out there, and you have plenty to worry about without adding performance in the bedroom to that list. Hymns provides access to treatments that can help you stay hard, last longer,

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for your personalized ED treatment options. Hims dot com slash dpt. The products mentioned are truable compound products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription. Hey gang, welcome back. Before we jump into story number three, Daniel, where can people find you and see you in all that great stuff? You can listen to my podcast that I do, the overnight radio podcast called The Midnight

Air that drops every single Monday right here on All Things Comedy. It's a little general discussion to help you drift off or stay awake, whatever you're doing. You can watch Rose Gold, my special, check that out. Did you go over 100K? I haven't even looked. Oh, do that.

I know. Maybe. I'm gonna do it. And then, and then, oh, I wanna thank all the Tonys and everybody who reached out to me to donate to taking food to firefighters

As well as providing clothes with the help of ferrity To get items to to people who have lost up friends of ours. Yes So thank you guys so much everybody that I'll never stop being grateful and then you can 99k grateful. And then you can see me live. Go to DanielVancurk.com because I will be in Denver. I'll be at the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee. I'll be at Sports Drink in New Orleans. I'll be in Green Lake, Wisconsin at the Thrasher Opera House. A place everybody should be doing. Such a great place to do comedy. So go to DanielVancurk.com and I believe soon we'll be announcing my, it seems to be annual, week of shows, Hub City Comedy Week at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago. Oh that's fun.

We'll be doing that in July. That's fun. Everything's at Daniel Van Kirk. Dad can. Alright, let's get it. You ready? Quick little story sent in by Carlene McDermott at She Be Carlene. Hilarious truth behind cheating husband's speed camera photo.

So the guy goes through a speed camera. With his mistress and caught. A husband has been told how his wife turned grizzly when he was sent a speed camera snap with a giant teddy bear in the passenger seat. The reason his wife's fury was that the local privacy laws officials had to blank out the teddy bear's image leading her to believe her husband had been with another woman Yeah, so if you drive through there's someone else in the car they block that out cuz why is that one? That's a private pants and why did you not shave her legs? So he had a huge teddy bear

Well, they put a black box over it. So she thought who the hell is this? Riding around at this time with my husband must be another woman. Yeah Trust issues. Well, he's a dick for driving in the carpool. And he's also a dick for dry humping the bear. He just went through a speed, he went through a speed camera. Oh he went through a red light. A speed camera.

Damn him. Um, hapless kiosk attendant, is that how you wanna be? That is the summation of your life. What about hapless kiosk attendant. What am I doing with my life here? What's Jeffrey been up to these days? What is that, my credit in Two Broke Girls?

Hapless. Hapless kiosk attendant? I get two lines. Cue the hapless kiosk. I can't do anything right. Now listen, we don't have a second team for you, so you will be standing in for yourself. Yes, for your setup and for your job. And you break for lunch after everyone else. Yeah, it's a walking team for you. So you will be standing in for yourself. Yes, for your setup and for your job.

And you break for lunch after everyone else. Yeah, it's a walking lunch for you. Hapless kiosk attendant, industry humor, Matin Erdagi. Matin Erdagi. Had bought the oversized teddy from a flea market. Oh boy. Stuffed animal flea market.

If you're getting. Is that the name of my album? If you're getting your stuffed animals from a flea market. You might be G. Donner. You might be a hapless. He bought a. That's one of the things you don't want used. No.

Mattress blankets. A giant teddy bear. Right. With the furry community out there. Tampon. You guys have been sewn up anywhere? Yeah. Hapless, yes, Lieutenant.

Matina. Video camera inside that's monitoring my every tenant, Matina Grodag. Is there a video camera inside that's monitoring my every move? Oh, a memory cam. He bought a flea market in Turkey's largest city, Istanbul. We're I'm sure all end up someday for a hit or seizure. We've been to Istanbul, we went to the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul, we watched a man light

an antelope hide coat on fire. Tried to sell us an antelope coat. And we're like, nah, we're good. Not interested, it's green, not my style. He then lit it on fire. And he's like, let me light this on fire. And how about now? And we're like, nah, we're not interested. It's green, not my style. Lit it on fire. And he's like, let me light this on fire. And how about now? And I was like, when are you gonna need...

No. No. Wait, was it unhurt? Yeah, yeah, no, that was his thing. You can catch on fire in this thing and it stays. And we're like green and nice. How is that a selling point? I guess, are you...

You guys look like you're around a lot of flavor. Uh... So it was. Let's see what I'm dealing with here. He goes to the flea market. He buys himself an instant buil. He buys himself a big old teddy bear. Sure.

He sat the soft toy on the passenger seat of his car and set off for home. On the way back, speed camera caught him doing how much in an 80 kilometer zone? 69. Love it, nice. Whoa, dude. Sir, you gotta speed it up.

We're still giving you a ticket. Sir, get your head out of the crotch of the teddy bear. Quick little guess. Shoot, shoot it. 120, nice. Whoa, dude. Hey sir, you gotta speed it up. We're still giving you a ticket. Sir, get your head out of the crotch of the teddy bear. Quick little guess. Shoot, shoot it. 120, 120. 140. 96 and an 80. Okay, it's not bad.

It's kilometers. A speeding fine later arrived at his home and it was his wife, Nazan, who opened the envelope only to find a photo showing her husband behind the wheel of a blacked out passenger. How great would it be if the photo beat him home? Assuming that her man had been seeing another woman, this is why you go to couples therapy.

That's a jump. Oh yeah, if that's a, let me just, let me bust him. She flew into a jealous rage. Here he is, with the bear. Is it for her? What? Who is it for? That's never said.

Is it for her? Is that, who is it for? That's never said. Is it for Elise? Mateen was apparently unable to convince his fuming wife that the passenger was actually just an oversight Oversized bear because I exceeded the speed limit cameras took a photo of the car sent it home with the ticket They must took the teddy bear for me as a human and so they censored it my wife opened the ticket and saw the photo I was put in a tough situation. Yeah

Where is this her now? This is her nizam. Oh, we got oh, yeah, we still have the bear Yeah, with the bear like trouble. She looks like she's a good sense of humor But she looks she looks like you never have to explain a joke bring it home She she went into a fit of jealousy you guys have other issues if this is the fight I I showed her the teddy bear, but she didn't believe me. She hasn't talked to me for a while. I don't know what to do. Luckily, despite-

Now you cheat on her. Luckily, despite the, yeah, we were on a break. All the fallout and none of the fun. By the way, from now on, you can have a woman riding just in the fun past your car. That's the teddy bear. Yeah, you've established the Teddy Bear. It's like, if we wanna keep going about,

we've established the wide shot, now let's go in for singles. Luckily, despite a stint in the dog house. Literally, let's go for singles. The couple were able to patch things up and Dazan forgave her husband in time for the arrival of the holy month of Ramadan, which is, amongst other things,

a time of forgiveness and mercy for Muslims worldwide. And no teddy bear meat. Mateen believes, had Ramadan not arrived... By the way, that could be a children's show. Mateen believes. For 100%. He believes. Or a CBS procedural.

Mateen believes. Mateen believes that had Ramadan not arrived, his relationship would have gone from bad to worse. It is not known if the couple kept the bear It's already worse in my opinion. Yeah, she showed us like all straight up. She showed you who she is I just couldn't imagine someone gives me a huge oversized bear for anything like the movie force majeure Yeah, I don't want to I don't want that big bear. No, no, it sounds like some you're gonna get real bad Even the people at theme parks. I'm like you get to carry that all day

Yeah, yeah, put a camera on the people at the flea market after you got the bear. They're all like high-fiving each other Jeff Tate won a huge bear like this. It's a prison and I go we're not doing this all day So for the next 30 minutes, we're going out to that car and putting this bear in that car I we're gonna talk we gotta talk to them about whether or not we can get right back in. And you have to orchestrate it all. Yes. This bear is a burden. It's a bear.

It's a bear. Yeah, your bear. Your bear. A real bear. Your beast or burden. There we go. All right, story number three. Pete Holmes, please go see him live.

Pete Holmes, always a treat. Always a goddamn treat. I love you so much, man. Don't you want to just stay in this for a comedy hammock? We put you in there. I know. Comedy hammock. Don't you want to just stay in this for comedy hammock? We put you in there, I know, Steve does. Comedy hammock. Steve doesn't want to leave. Lemonade with an easy read.

Steve Holmes doesn't want to leave. SteveHolmes.net. SteveHolmes.com. Look for him, find him, follow him. We love him, we love you guys. You know something, we're going to do it.