Dumb People Town - Rachel Scanlon - Machete Ready (with Trae Crowder)

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

Comedian and podcaster Rachel Scanlon (Podcast) stops by as Trae Crowder (filling in for Daniel) describes how 2 men were arrested after a machete fight at Publix, Randy explains why a couple stole library books and sold them to used book stores, and Jason warns against eating steak in a clothing optional environment, and so much more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Guys, we've got an unbelievable episode of Dumb People Town a special episode. Sitting here for Danny VanCurt. We got Trey Crowder from the Well Red podcast. And our guest is Rachel Scanlon on this episode. We've got a machete fight in a Publix. We got people stealing library books and then trying to sell them. And we've got a naked steakhouse. Naked steakhouse.

You got to check out this episode. It is pure joy. And they light it up. So don't miss it. Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of dope. unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose will make the news breaking down each epic fail in Florida there's half price bail I'm happy to say they could in the podcast jam with co-host arm and dan benders don't be a jerk because when the music fits the sound hunger down is dumb people town hey toddies welcome to another episode of dumb people town population

population scantlin and crowder Rachel Scanlan, Trey Crowder. This is a very special episode. The great Daniel Van Kirk is not with us. Not because he's passed on. He's fine. May he rest in peace. I don't want him to die.

I just want him to get a good night's sleep. He just needs a good night's sleep. Don't we all? We all need to rest a little. Rest a little. And then come back alive. Right. So Rachel Scanlan is our wonderful guest.

I love you. And I'm so happy you're here. And the great Trey Crowder, one of the best guests that we've ever had on Dumb People Town. Because he was born in a Dumb People, Very much so. Story. Most of my life

and a dumb people. Your whole uvra, your whole thing is like I come from this thing I rose as like a smart phoenix out of the ashes of stupidity. That's right. And I,

off the heap of stupidity and you comment on where you came from and you obviously in a brilliant way comment on the stupid parts of our society and where things are heading in our world. So we thought who could we get

to fill in for Daniel for this thing? And Trey, you stepped in beautifully and I'm just so happy that you're here. I'm honored, Yeah, y'all are going to give me the vapors.

Hey, no, we gave them so sweet. So the world's getting dumber. We know that. And it's, the only way to fight back is through comedy. And so we each have a story that we're going to sort of present. And we all get a chance to riff it. At top of Act, too, we're going to promote what you guys have going on and how people can support you. And let's just start.

Trey's got the first story. So let's get you here. So this was submitted by David Fonier. David Fornier. David Fornier. And I had DP Fornier, too. That's right. Okay, so he's a reliable, reliable contributor.

So we have our dumb stringers out there. Dumb boots on the ground. They find the stories and they send him it. Do we start with the headline? Sure, sure. The headline is, this is from the Sun Coast, it looks like. Which is Florida. That's right.

Two men arrested after machete fight in Publix parking lot, police say. So we don't know. Allegedly, I guess. Yeah, right. So probably, they probably did happen. So here's my question. Now, there are many machete fights in a public. Right.

Is it a premeditated? Like, I'll meet you at the public's. You better bring your machete. Or is it an impromptu? Right. They both happen to be armed with their machetes. And they're both trying to push the carts back into the cart return at the same time. I get the impression it's more of the latter, but it might be, I think either is plausible.

You guys might agree. I like that they said it may be a machete. It may be a katana. sure exactly of a weapon. Oh, there's some, there's some interesting turns where the weapons are concerned a little bit later. If you guys, you know, anyway. Let's get into it.

So this is Panama City, Florida, Natch. Natch. Have you guys spent any time down there? Yeah, I was just about to say, like, I'm from rural Tennessee and it's like, I went there once when I was like 19 or 20. Think it's like, you know, like, oh, finally a luck. Yes. I think it was going to be like a nice vacation or whatever I got down there.

And I was like, this is like the trashiest place I've ever been to it. Trivia, right? Yeah, right. And it's like, and I'm, we already talked about where I'm from, you know, I couldn't believe it. This is a step down. Have you been to that part of Florida? Yeah, there are some parts of Florida that are really beautiful. There's some like really fun populated, like, you know, St. Pete, lots of queer people. And then there's also like middle of it that is just swamp. And when they say, we're not just a swamp, that's how you know, it's mostly swamp. You are just a swamp. If you're justifying the swamp, if you're like, we got more. It's like, we're not even going to drain the swamp. No. We are to keep it. No, it's not right out there. So Panama City, Florida. Two men were taken to the hospital and later arrested after getting into a machete fight in a public's parking lot.

This is why I do like, and I do, let me say this. I love America. I love where we live. And I think, does it need to be fixed? Do things need to be fixed? Absolutely. But we are still a nation that takes them to the hospital first. Take some to the hospital first.

And I always want to be a nation that's like, let's take care of these people. before we lock them up, thank you, remove their rights. Well, at least there's that to some people. The Washington Sheriff's Office said, okay, here we go. Everett, uh, critchbubum? No, it's not. It's not critchbubum. I have problems with, you know, words.

Krich for bum sounds like the name of the band in Scott Pilgrim versus the world. It sounds like something that happens if you eat too much diet food. It makes me crichbubum. Why are you walking so weird? You have crichbubum? It's my critchbubam. It's bad. Pretty bad bout of it.

I didn't know you were a bully. Crick babum? Critch babum. All right. K-R-I-C-H. Critch. K-R-I-C-H. K-R-I-C-R-I-C-B-U-M.

Critch-B-B-B-B-M-A-M. Okay. You know right. All right. It could be a character that Jim Carrey played in like a kid's movie. Yes. Unless the Krich-B-B-B-B-B-M comes. Remember when Krish-B-B-B-B-B-T-M-E.

That sounds exactly like a villain in a doctor-S-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-. Breschmabon this year. You get to take your teeth out? Yes, as an offering to Critchbaba. All the children's teeth were strung up on a street. The Critchfabum game. Thumbs at all. Every Khrishbabum and James Tristian Gay, right?

They're going to blame the gay. Why? How dare they do that in this town? It sounds like a character from like a gay fanfic of like Twilight or... Yes. Or it's like an old Hans Christian Anderson. James Christian Gay. So this guy's grown up in like this part of Florida, presumably grown up, like with that name or whatever, I would not want to get into a scrap with that dude personally.

He's like ready with the machete. Yeah, like he knows how to take care of himself because he's taking a lot of shit is what I'm assuming. Machete ready. He's machete ready. But there's other guy got some sort of eldritch Christmas demons are that not leveled out. You know when you're going to publics and you're like, do I have my reusable bags? Do I have my keys? Do I wallet?

My machete. You never know. Where's my machete? Where? Oh, shoot. Did I? Did you? I forgot.

I left it in the car. I'm going to have to go back. Go back. Guy at your door. So it's 40. You don't never know when a rogue alligator is going to attack you to public. That's true. You got to be ready.

This could perhaps give some clues to the first question and I'll ask. It says, Panama City Police said critch-babum and gay. Which, by the way, the new Rosolian Isles. Got into a verbal argument that quickly escalated. turned into a physical fight. Both men were allegedly armed with, quote, fixed blade weapons. Okay. Fixed blade.

So didn't pop out. Right. Not a pocket. All business. Not for a show. Yeah. All steak, no sizzle. That's like, none of this shit.

Yeah. Just coming out. No, no butterfly. No. Unsheating. No. No like flare to it. Where is that?

Just straight down in the back of your belt? Right down the crack, I think. Showers, not growers. is what we're trying to say about these blades. According to newly obtained arrest documents, investigators said that you called this, gay was the primary aggressor. And as always, blame a gay.

Why? Stop blaming the gay. The arrest affidavit said witnesses claim that Critchbababum was in his car when Gay drove up and stopped near him. Gay admitted he intentionally stopped his car to... Okay, see, to confront Grichbubum regarding alleged prior harassment

according to the affidavit. So it's like a little bit of both, I feel like with like, you know. This was you don't have 12 items and you're in the 12 items lane. We'll talk about this when I see you in the parking. It's the critchbibum and the egg. Right. It's a good job in the gay. Like it sounds like he was seeking out critchbabum for some reason and critchbubim ain't the one.

And it's like. Because they had history. That's what it sounds like. That's what it sounds like. Years. I'm talking like. Oh, it'd be years. Is it family lineage.

Are we talking? It's of Monagues and capulets. Yeah. Yeah. The crichibum's. the gays. Right. It's a few that's been going on for years.

Yeah. Chris have been fighting the gays forever. They've been fighting the gays since the beginning of time. Them be. Gay allegedly then got out of his car and argued with crichbubim. The affidavit states, Gay claimed he went back to his car after the verbal argument and grabbed a machete after seeing crichbabum holding a hatchet. Oh, God.

This hatchet machete. He had to get the machete because he had the hatchet. You've got to protect yourself. What was he supposed to do? But I wouldn't bring a hatchet to a machete fight. Thank you. Right. Chetty, way more easily.

A ratchet can break a car window. A machete probably cannot. Yeah, you've got to think these things through when you're going to publics in Florida. That's right. Which of your fixed blade weapons makes sense for that name. Gay told investigators that he had the opportunity to leave the scene but chose to stay due to, quote, personal pride. Hell yeah, brother. I get it.

So, gay pride. Gay pride. You guys have heard of it. That's what this guy is. They have parades about it every summer. It's a whole thing. You guys are acting like you don't know about it. Gay pride is fun.

Famous gay pride. He has no idea that it's like homosexuality at all. He's just like, I think I know what's going on here in this publics. I'm not going to back down from my gay pride. He's very publics about his gay pride. It's a public's display of gay pride. I don't know what's wrong. All that.

But that whole thing. It's like every redneck I've ever known has had that would do the exact same. Oh, yeah. It's like, I'm not leaving because I have too much. On principle. You don't show up to a Publix with a machete in your car to not back down from it. Why is it even in the car? 100%.

He's ready. So, uh, Critchbubim said he felt threatened due to his age and inability to physically defend himself. Oh. He said that he flashed a hatchet in an attempt to deter gay, the affidavit said. Quick little hatchet flash. Yeah. Don't try me. I've got a hatchet.

Hatchet Flash, by the way, is performing at Gay Pride. It's like the best. EDMDM DJ. She was throwing out Molly Water. Molly Hatchet Flash? Opens her knife party. All right. When Gay came at Critchbababum with the machete,

Critchbibum allegedly grabbed a knife. So we've got a tertiary fixed. He's got a whole serious side blade. Yeah, he's got an assortment of fixed blade weapons. Critchbubam allegedly grabbed a knife that remained in its sheath. Okay. The affidavit says gay hit Critchbabum in the face with the machete while it was still in its sheath. Okay.

Leading to a struggle over both weapons. So these guys are like, you know, they're pulling their swings. They're playing safe. It's safe knife fighting. Safe knife fighting. Yeah, responsible knife fighting. They're using it sheathed, you're saying? They're using it.

They don't want to kill a guy. They just want to. Show him what's what. I don't think I could keep it in the sheath. If I had it. You had it? You had it? I always had a problem with keeping it in the sheath.

I'm a woman in the streets and a freak in the sheath. It says both men received injuries to their hands. Sure. Critchbabum said gay hit him in the head, leaving him unconscious. Oh, shit. This was part super uncool. Gay admitted to stomping crichbubim. While he was on the ground.

According to the affidavit, both men were taken to the hospital. The men were charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Wow. Of course they were. So he smacked an old man with a sheathed machete. When the old man fell down, he stomped him. And he stomped him. So it seems pretty villainous.

Gay pride over. Yeah. So the question here. Was it gay bashing from some level. Yeah, it was. Yes. A gay doing the bad thing. BASH, Gay, doing the bashing.

So the question is, how old do you guys think James Tristan Gay is? So the primary aggressor? The younger guy. Not the old man, yeah. I feel like this guy machete around, I think he's 31. 31. He's maybe close to being a grandfather. I think he's older than that.

I think he's got to be. I mean, first of all, I'm picturing an old rusty machete that has already seen some things. He does keep it sheathed. He does keep it sheathed. You're right. Not being better shaped than that. Right. It's probably so sharp.

He parks that car in the garage. Yeah, exactly. No sundae. So to me. It takes care of it. God, no, but I'm picturing, I am picturing two old men. Okay. But he's like, I'm not as old as fucking crutch ba bum.

You're right. So maybe he's like in his, like, maybe he's like 60. 60. Okay. 31 and 16. I'm going to split the difference. 42. I say he's 42.

So James Tristan Gay is 35 years. Hey. That's close. And I don't. I don't think the age of Critchbubum is in here. Again, he's elder. He's ageless. Right.

He's critchbubum. He's beyond age. He can live to be 200. He's eternal. The picture of it, I don't know if I'm whatever, but he's definitely, you know, he's an old man. I'd say he's 60-something. There you go. Story number one, in the books.

Trey, you did a wonderful job. Brilliant. All right. When we come back, we're going to find out what Trey's got going, how you can support and follow him, find out what Rachel's got going, and how you can support any live touring and what stuff you have going. I am so excited. You guys are here

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Lung your down. Hey, gang, welcome back to the show. I hope you had a nice break. We had a lovely break. Let's talk about what we have going on. Before we get to you, Rachel, Trey, how can people follow you, listen to you again? We are supporters of you.

I think on social media you're doing some of the best stuff that's out there. So I highly recommend everyone follow you there. Great following. Instagram. What's the best form of that? Instagram or TikTok or both? And I'd say Instagram. Follow on you.

Whatever your preferred social media platform is, most of them it's just T-R-Crowder, but it is T-R-A-E-Crowder's white trash variation. That's very continental. That throws a curve of all of people. T-R-A-E-Cruder on all of them, and then on Instagram, it's official Trey-Croudder, because I got scooped on my own name. Oh, boo. But you should find it either way. And then the website is Trey Crowder.com, which is where all my tour dates are, because I'm perpetually doing it.

You're out a lot. Yeah, all the time, yeah. Go see him live. Great Lodge. He's been on shows we've done, and it is a tour to force. You know, it was amazing. we did a tag it show with you at the comedy store, sold out show, and in the main room.

And like there's people who, some people, a lot of people there did not know who you were. And Jay and I are sitting on stage in a very interesting vantage point, watching comedians do their set and we're writing, you know, joke pitches that we pitch. And a lot of times we were bringing comics who sometimes perform in the main room,

but sometimes don't often perform in the main room in the store onto that show. And some comics were great in that scenario, and some comics were struggling a little bit. What was amazing when I was watching you is how at the beginning, the audience is trying to size up who you are and understand who you are. By the end of your set, they were 100% on board. I'm like, in a 15 or 12-minute set, you took this entire room and brought them to you, which was incredible.

Right. Well, and I appreciate that. But once I first started doing shows out here in front of just regular audiences, I realized pretty quickly, and I get it. But I could sense, I'd be like, they're mostly confused by me. Right. You know what I mean? Figuring it out. Yeah, they're like, what is this? Is he fake?

Is he the character? Is this faking that? What's happening? So I realize that. So now I'm like cognizant of that. So I try to do a thing where I let them know. Yeah. This is real.

I am real. Try to like address that and then, you know, go from there. And has that been helpful? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I feel like I have to do it pretty much. It's funny because I feel like we get a little of that too. People don't really know what they're going to get because they're not used to seeing two people.

Right. So we got to hit them with something quick and funny and that shows sort of what we're about to give you more of. And I feel like we've learned how to do that beginning for crowds that aren't necessarily there to see us, but might be there to see whoever is the marquee name on the thing. But sometimes there's yes. And it's fun to, like, win them over.

And somebody, so, also you have to disarm. You have a southern accent and you look so strong. And you're like a kind, it's like, I'm like loving hearing a southern accent on somebody who would be like, now what are your preferred pronoun? That's kind of my whole brain. Yeah, that is. It really is, actually. That rocks.

But yeah, but I have to, like, I have to establish that. Right, ally. Yeah, right, yeah, exactly. But it also, I feel like what you also see in people is you see it gives people hope. Your act gives a lot of people hope, meaning that like, wherever you come from, however you speak, that it's not the definition of who you are. And I think this, that representation of that, we talk about representation in the way we perform. A lot of people don't think of this as a form of representation. I'm a straight white guy that can represent.

Right. A southern straight white guy who's not being represented in this way. You can go so much further, which is so nice. You can reach people that are like typically don't want to listen to somebody that looks like me. They'd be like, now this man I can trust. And he's saying the same thing you are. Exactly. This guy I can trust.

This man I cannot. I don't know about this guy over here. I don't get it. But this guy, yeah. Well, that's awesome. So any big shows coming up in September or weekends and stuff that you've got coming up? September. Yeah, I meant like upstate New York and Hartford at the end of the month. And I've got a weekend at Cap City in Austin.

Nice. Go to that. There's a new ish club in Eugene, Oregon that I've done once before. That's great. Olson run. Yes. Great. And then not that far out. I'll be back home in East Tennessee and Bristol and Knoxville in the middle of October, too. And that's a burden for me. Catch him if you are around there. Let's talk about it, Rachel. How can people follow you and see you and specials and all that stuff? You can find me at Rachel Scanlan Comedy. My podcast is Two Dikes and a Mike. We're a weekly podcast.

Me and my co-host, McKenzie Goodwin. We sometimes have guests, but we really just like gab. I want to be a guest on there. Please, even can we represent the... You can. It would be so fun. We just laugh. That's all we do is we laugh and we're silly.

And you tour that around to great effect as well. We tour the podcast. So in October, Two Dikes will be all over. We're starting at the Wilbur and then we're going to... He'll bird in. Boston. Get ready. Boston.

Get up. Get up. Wake up. Austin. Dude, you're not going to, you're not going to fucking believe it. Who's going to be our two dikes? Two wikes. Get your, get your drunken and go to see two dikes. Pumpkin spice. Two dykes? Who do you not going to believe? Dude. Yeah. It's like the most fun. I love that I get to tour on my podcast and also my stand-up at the same time. I'll be all, I'm just sold out the Fitzgerald theater in St. Paul, Minnesota, and I'm adding a second show. Let's go. And so that is like.

On your own stand-up? On your own stand-up? Yeah. It's a beautiful theater. Oh, my God. Is that where we did the NPR thing? Yes, it is. What's the size? It's like 2000.

It's like 1,000. 1,000. Yeah, but that for me is like a huge room. Oh, my God. Let's go. Yeah, I'm really excited about that. In my fall tour will start in Atlanta, and then I'm doing like 10 cities and then 10 cities with the podcast and then some more. So Toronto, D.C.

I mean, yeah, everywhere that you can think of Rachel Scanlancomedy.com for my tickets. And then I have a special on Hulu if you want to see me do that. And then I'm, you know, I'm always. going everywhere. Like, we all are. Yeah. But socials, how can they follow you just to keep up? Rachel Scanlan Comedy and two dykes and a mic.

Okay. Follow both. Do that. Get on board with these people. That's always said. Get on board. I got another story. Should we jump into it?

Yes. This is sent in by little Andy Greenberg, our friend Andy Greenberg, at Andy the G. Right, here we go. A couple from Mesa, Arizona was arrested for allegedly stealing thousands of dollars worth of library books and reselling them to a local bookstore, according to police. Bro. Uh-oh. the perfect crime

hasn't no one else ever thought of that he's got free books just sitting around who's looked at a library and said this is something I can exploit yeah they're trying to clean they're like how do I clean these dirty dirty books dirty I can see

Jason Statham as the librarian this is over there I mean how good would that be he's a librarian and he just beats the shit out of someone with the stamp just boom boom with a duly desk on his head is like, you're overdid.

Is this for my growthish? Pop, pop, pop, pop. Whisper acting. You know what I was trying to do, I was watching, oh, my wife and I were watching a, we've gotten to start watching like bad music documentaries. Like, they're music documentaries of good things, but, like, they're not well done. So, like, they're clearly, like, we were watching this documentary about Bowie, and it was, they were interviewing Bowie's wife and who was, like,

around. Is it the one about all the people? No, no, no. It's not the great one. It's like this was not well done. She's being interviewed at like a motel pool or a hotel. It's like a motel pool or hotel pool. And she's at the front of the pool sitting in like a deck chair and they're interviewing. During her interview, people just start walking in the pool behind her. They're like kids in the pool behind. I'm like, you guys couldn't lock this off? Like what is happening right here? You could only get her for a second. There was a British guy and his tape was so bad. I just think if you you can do a British accent

if your tape are out. Yeah, you can't not talk that way. Get your teeth. And you be out of breath at the end of age. Get your teeth is out and you're out of breath. You know my best thing that I do with my daughter is when we listen to any Freddie Mercury song, me putting my two fingers as Freddie Mercury is propped up.

His teeth were terrible. Don't stop me now. Having a ball. It cracks her up to no end. and it makes me so happy. The teeth as gesticulating. That they have their own life of their own. Ian Bartlett will get to his age.

And Athena Bartlett, you know, the couple that robs a library together stays together. Their Bartlett. What a pair. This is like reverse Robin Hood. Do you know what I mean? You steal from the library. Poor. Right.

And you get rich. And you get rich off the poor. It's just robin the hood. Way, way, way more common. 100%. It's actually the most standard type of thing. Definition of our government. That's mostly what happens is that.

I don't know. Checked out and we'll guess how much worth of unreturned library books from Mesa Public Library under two different accounts and resold hundreds of them. The Mesa Police Department said the couple was arrested on Monday. Mesa Public Library after library staff observed the pair in the library and notified the police. This is such a great. Look at the two of them. There they are out there.

They're just great. I mean, his head does look like he has a massive brain. He definitely. Those are two. Like, what's the word, what kind of file is it, Libro file? That's not right. Hey, babe, could I get some of your hair off of your head onto mine? She looks like she's always crying and he looks like he takes about 15 seconds to answer you after you ask.

I feel like the issue. Like not in a book club is what I'm saying. She looks like she's read every single book and he looks like he's never read any book. He doesn't know how to read. She looks like she's always crying and he looks like he's the reason. Actually, yeah, you're right. She doesn't like she reads those like like, like, like, Facebook. Very porn.

For sure. Court of Thorns. Yes, that's it. She's court of thorning in a big way. She's writing spin-offs, getting herself horny. Romanticy. Say, they're both booked on charges of theft. Class 4 felony and trafficking stolen property.

A class 2 felony. Police had launched an investigation into the incident following the court. I don't want to blame the bookstore, but when you see an envelope with a card in the back of the back cover of the book. You mean, the library. I'm talking about the bookstore. What's this back here for? Right.

Why is everyone's names on? You should know what it is. I will say my wife is obsessed with the library. She loves them. All she wants to do is get her books from the library. And now if I know that these people are out there stealing the books, my wife has been on a wait list for like five months to read yesterday. This is why. These are the people.

These assholes. Tuesday 19th of May from Mesa Public Library, the male and female have attempted to sell numerous books with library labels still attached to local second-hand bookstore. Bookstore. Employees advised the pair. They were not able to purchase the library books after. the two left the business. After the bookstore shared the incident with the Mason Public Library, library staff determined the books had been checked out by Ian Bartlett,

whose library account had been blocked after approximately how much worth of books that were not returned? Give me a dollar amount. Oh, like, overdue books. Like, not the light fees, the value of the books. That's probably what it is. How much?

$1,200? I feel like we can go. easily eight nine k. Nine K, what do you think? I'm going to say $4,000. The answer is $1,565. You're right there. You were so right there.

Have you done this before? Not yet. By the way, this is just, you know how like when you're reading an article and they give you like, if you like this article, here's another article. I'm just going to read you the headline of this other article. They're like, oh, you're reading this. You'll enjoy this. A 150-year overdue book resurfaces in a library found bricked in a fireplace.

All right. Hello. So, I. Right, when this first started, I don't know, I don't know if I thought one of them was like the night janitor in a library. It was taking them out. Under the sweater. They were just checking them out with their own library card or whatever and then trying to sell them and never come back. No, the library is like, are you masturbating in the bathroom?

Right. You're not. Then fine. Check them out. We're fine. They don't pay, they don't get paid enough to do a drug bust of illegal traffic books. That's what this is all about. We need to pay our librarians more.

We need to arm my librarians. Arm. With a lot of politicians. I will say I've been deeply obsessed with people trafficking things that are not drugs lately. Right. It's an exciting time. Library books. Are you watching Monsters of Gods?

Oh, snakes? Yes. To the religious. They're traffic. Okay, they're traffic. It's mostly about South Florida, which I'm so sorry. That's not where you're from, but you understand. Still pointed in him anyway.

They're taking illegal like reptiles from all over the world. A lot of, you know, Fiji iguanas, a lot of, like, in, like, South America. And they're coming in through Miami because that's where you can go. And then they're actually taking these illegal animals and they're selling them back to the zoos, which are owned by a lot of times the federal government. So we've got these DNR, like, you know, fake cop agents, whatever, just like getting people their fishing licenses. And now we're trying to get them to arrest these, like, kingpins.

And they're like, I'm not positioned. Right. This person will probably have several machetes. Yeah, I had a line in one of my bits years ago about an uncle I had that I, and the line was something about he got arrested for breeding illegal reptiles. So you're not, you were not wrong to point in me. Yeah, right. But everybody raised like a certain type of redneck has a fascination with like, you know, snakes and the type of shit. Hey, Trey, you ever seen a snake operation?

You ever seen a snake with an iguana head? You're back here to the garage, Trey. I want to show you. I know you got that cobra insurance. I got two cobras in my backyard. Now, if I were to traffic anything, I'd definitely pick books. They don't, they don't bite you. No.

They're not slippery. No. You don't have to swallow them and get them out of your butt later. That depends. You can hollow them out and fill them up with kilos of cocaine. Thank you. So they called the reptile exchange that attack you're monsters of God. Yeah, yeah.

I would have called it cold-blooded. Wow. That's good, Jay. Chills. That's a good one. All right. Detectives are continuing to investigate the incident. Authorities say they believe that.

There are still numerous unrecovered Mason Public Library books involved in the case. What I would say is, if you have old books, just donate them to the Mason Public Library. Please. Let's just build up there. Do it that. Investigators learned that Athena Bartlett had completed five transactions at the bookstores involving 423 books between Thursday, May 7th and Thursday, May 14th. 423 books. Yeah, but I thought you said a movie ago that the bookstore was like, hey, we can't take these, which makes sense.

I thought they're going to find, like, a book fence. Yeah. You got to clean the dirty books. Like a book glory hole that you send a book glory hole that someone on the other side who hasn't been. Somebody holds it there and you have to read it on your knees. It's disgusting. Turn the page. A hand reaches through it.

You know how to do it. Lick your finger. No, you, the hand comes through. You lick the finger and they turn the face. That's a book glory. That's so hot though. Listen, that is for somebody. That's not for nobody.

I like that. By the way, that is a thing. We just came up with a thing that if it doesn't exist, we should be charging much for it. 50 shades of gray. Yeah. If I... Okay, fine. Wow.

New kinks unlocked today. Thank you. I'm willing to do that for a lot of money. Anyone who believe... I'll really have my fingers lick to... No, I'll lick a finger just to turn it over. Oh, hell of yet. I'll do it.

I'll be whoever. I'll do it all. I put Cheeto dust on it. I'll just do it. You put Cheeto dust, Trays. That's what I don't even need the money. Anyone who believes they unknowingly purchased a stolen Mesa Public Library book or has one of the stolen books is encouraged to contact

the Mesa Police Department so detectives can determine what is going on. The extent. They know who they got. They got the perpetrators. They need to know the extent. I wonder how they got them. I mean, so after the bookstore shared the incident. They covered so many bases.

I mean, there was a great old joke by Kenny Rogers. Is it Kenny Rogers? No, it was Barry Crimmons. Barry Krimmins. We thought it was Kenny Rogers. We attributed to him. So this is, we attributed a joke that we. Coming up in St. Louis in the 80s, when we saw this joke, we're like, we want to be comedians.

It's a great joke. Barry Crimmons, who's a Boston comic. Who was? He was, rest of peace. And we met Barry Crimmons later in life and told, and he saw us, he was a fan, and we told him that we love this joke and he was very touched. The joke was, I got arrested trying to smuggle books into Kentucky. Great joke. A huge, huge joke.

Got off on a technicality, no one could actually prove that they were books. That's a great. Amazing two sides of a joke, sorry, you're not even laughing. No, no, I love it. Clean. Do you ever hear the Tim Wilson joke about getting pulled over for reading in Alabama or whatever? It's like, have you been thinking tonight, sir? I thought a little about I'm not thunked about it.

They find books in his cards like, those aren't mine. Those aren't mine. Money. Very, from two really, really brilliant things. All right. So we're going to get out of here on this. You remember what they look like. Okay, we're going to try and guess the ages of these people.

How old? We'll start with her. How old is Athena Bartlett? Athena. Start with her. Greek goddess. Jeez, she does not look like an Athena. Nominate determinism.

I mean, she's definitely got a fantastic haircut. Let's be honest. For sure. I've had that haircut before. Perpetual pink eye. That's right. She has been crying. She did thought she was going to get a person.

She did thought she was going to get a haircut. away with it. The weird thing about both those people is that they could both be 19 or like 60. That's exactly what I was going to say. They're both the type of parties like you just can't it could go anyway. This is why even seeing the picture doesn't help it. Normally seeing the picture helps you out. This makes it worse. They both look like they've seen a lot of things. Yes. How old is Athena Bartlett, Rachel? I want to say like 29. Okay. Trey. Yeah. Her still or the guy now? We're going to do Athena first. Yeah. You say 29. You say, I guess I won't prices right.

I'll go even younger. I'll say 26. Ooh, I was going to say 26. I'm going to say 23. Okay, get your answers in, everybody. Athena Bartlett is 33 years. Oh, oh. You're close.

All right. This may or may not affect how old do you think Ian Bartlett is? Rachel, how old do you think Ian Bartlett? He looks 45 to me. Yeah, okay. 45? What do you think? I agree he looks older than her, but he has that thing going on.

Yeah, we don't know. Say like 37. Okay. What do you mean? He has like swell head. Yeah. He does. I'm going to say 40.

Okay. One of you is one year off. So you may go up or down. So where were you before you were 45? I was at 35. I was at 35. So you go up to 46 or 44. I'll go 44.

Okay. What do you think? You go up or down? 36 or 38? 36. Okay. 41. All right.

The answer to this and at the end of this story, and please if you have library of books. Bring them back to the library. Bring them back. My wife needs those books. She needs them. Her wife needs them. Ian Bartlett is 36 years old. Wow. All right. We have one more story to go. Jay give us a little taste of what we're going to hear and then we'll tell you what we have. Naked eating. Naked eating. All that coming up. Rachel Scanlan is our guest. I'm so happy that she's here. Trey Crowder is filling in for Daniel Van Kirk. This is Dump People Town. Thank you for joining us. We have one more segment to go. Stay with us. Welcome back to the show before we jump into this last story. Jay, we should let people know that we have going on because this just happened and we are announcing it and we are doing it.

We are shooting a special. We are shooting a special. We have been wanting to do this. We're doing it with super nice guys that those great Jack Vaughn who was long time with. I love Jack Vaughan. Comedy Central Records. Serious radio. He's awesome.

And, you know, some great people have done the specials with these guys. Ron Funches, Pat Nosswald, Michael Liam Black, Janine Garofalo, people we love. And so we're going to shoot it here. We're in LA on Sunday, September 27th at the Magic and the Illusion and Magic Lounge. It is a really cool kind of raked up theater in Santa Monica. I think there's like 125 seats and this we're hoping is going to sell out. We would love it if Dumb People Town fans are there. If you're in L.A., this is going to drop, get your tickets.

We'll have tickets up on our at Superscollars.com and you can get your tickets there. But we want to pack it with people who know us and love us. And so please come. We are very excited to do this special. And then who knows where it will be distributed to there and then take it in like Micota, Hulu, it might go to Roku, Micahua, Micahua, Micah, Tube, and Mikeo just on 800-pound gorilla on YouTube. We don't know.

We'll let you know when it comes out. But we'd love for you guys to be there because, as you all know, people who take specials, when the audience is good and you're having fun, it is the best thing in the world. So we'd love to see you guys there. Before that, we get practice. We're going to be in Rochester, New York at Comedy at the Carlson, the 18th and 19th. great room, Mark It Bolito. I love it. And our friend Sophia Gero is going to feature for us. She's fantastic. Fabulous. San Francisco Comics. So those are going to be great. Those shows there. And then

the next weekend we're in Toronto at JFL Toronto at the Comedy Bar, we're doing headlining sets and then two tagget shows. The 24th and or 25th and 26th of September. All those tickets at Superscler's.com. Let's sell these shows out. Comedy Bar, I love that place. And I think the early shows are starting to start. They're almost there. Yeah, starting to go. And then we just need the late shows to go. I'm very excited. So superscologists.com for all that, then Ann Arbor and then St. Louis, we're at the Flyover Comedy Fest. Good stuff. Then Phoenix in January. Good stuff happening.

All that there. Go ahead, Jack. All right. Here we go. This was sent in by Sean Anderson at Sean 70. Thank you for always sending good stuff in. Florida State. Florida.

Florida Steakhouse touts clothing optional nude dining experience. Who's that for? Oh, a lot of people. I feel like, I'm surprised this just now happened. Does this a novel concept? while you're eating. No, I don't. I do. You do.

I do. I'm sorry. I mean, I did two different times, but years ago now, I was the, I did, I was the entertainment at a gay nudist convention in the Poconos. I mean, great audience. How great was the audience? Also, what's, yeah, I just tell you, like, picture everybody in their underwear or whatever, but like, I didn't.

You're like, picture them in their clothing. Yeah, right. It's like they just are naked. But I, so. Gay men? Yeah. I mean, all gay men. All gay men, all naked.

So I'm just saying, they're in shape. You know, they're in shape. There's, you know, and I feel like it's just like a prime. Some people just like want to do everything naked all the time. That's what I'm saying. And in Florida, eating at a steakhouse, classic Florida pursuit. I'm not surprised. Where do you keep your machete?

Right. It's not in your butt crack. But you have to like, I feel like if you, you can't be like a naked steakhouse on Thursday nights, but every other night you're a normal steakhouse because the rest of the clientele's going to be like, I don't want to go to the part-time naked steakhouse. Someone's going to get the wrong night. Yeah, you got to sit in that booth. That booth. You got to be a full-time. You got a hose down that booth. Full-time naked steakhouse. And I don't know how viable that is even in Florida. I feel like I have a thousand things rushing through my head.

Please go through all of them. Number one, I think, and this is kind of like hack at this point, but we all know that the people that insist on being nude are not the people that you want to be nude. Thank you. We always know that. Number two, if you know anything about nudist colonies at all, which I do, because I watch weird TV. Thank you. They carry a little cloth for sitting on. Oh, nice. Which is polite.

That is very thoughtful. Mary Poppins. At that point, why not just put on some underpants? Thank you. At that point, you're going to carry it. Where is that going? You have to carry it. You can't put it in a pocket.

You're not wearing clothes. You just a little B.H. towel. I don't think so. Can I just say this? I want my T-bone on the plate, not underneath. Maybe this Steakhouse provides that. Like a table cloth and they got like a, you know, a booth cloth.

Yeah. Booth cloth That they change Oh like when you're at the doctor It's paper It's so loud in there I was thinking You know cloth

Like classed up a little bit It is a steakhouse It is a steak Like when you go to a restaurant And they don't In the bathroom have like You're not using a paper towel You're using like something

that they launder That's giving rich I would say it depends on what Are they saying In the article Is this naked for the guests Or are the servers Naked

Hopefully not the cook I will say. Let's find out. Everything naked, but you got to wear a hairnet. You have to wear a hair net. And a pub net. A pub net. This is from UPI, not UTI.

A Florida restaurant is inviting guests to disrobe on the first Monday of every month. There you go. It's a regular steakhouse every other night. I don't know about that. By the way, it's a regular steakhouse three other Mondays out of the month. That's a lot. For a new dining experience. Marad Ali, chef and owner of the C-L-A-S-S-S-S-E.

Swari Stakehouse, the class Swarri Stegos in Hollywood, Florida. It's a nice part of Florida. It's a nice area of Florida. Came up with the idea of the monthly event as a means of attracting attention to the eatery in an unusual way. I would like to pay, but...

Publicity stunned. I forgot my wallet. How many times do people make that joke? Yes. As a restaurant tour in this tough environment, don't blame the environment on this idea. You want to see some titties. Right, for sure. And don't we all?

Don't we all? Rachel wants to see some people here would like to see some people. We want to see. And so now you're going to blame it on the economy? Please. Speak the truth. Come on. We have to be remarkable.

And remarkable means people are talking, Ali told Axios. The chef said the servers who remain clothed in their usual attire during the private dinners have been trained to be respectful of unclosed customers. Wait, you got clothed in with the unclosed? I don't like that. But I like that they're training. You don't know what I mean? They're letting them know you cannot just go up. Sir, what would you like for dinner and for you, ma'am?

I'll have what she's not wearing. Ma'am, I'm just, would you like just a pair of cantalopes? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Any oysters? Never mind. I'm so sorry.

Would you like any more cottage cheese with your thighs? No. No, come on. I would never. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. He's training in with me. He's this clothes man.

It's a new waiter. He's training in. Sorry. I feel like that's definitely a draw, straws shift for that staff that month. Because that's what I'm saying it's like you can't it's one Monday a month what are you going to do? I mean you could task rabid it I guess but that's it you can't

trust a whole front of the house staff of people You can ass rabid it. You get a sense of the tips when they walk in. That's all I'm saying. Yeah for sure. Just the tips. Just the tips. Try tip. Do you again try tip? No, there's three guys at table floor. I don't have my car. Do you accept tap? Hey!

I can tap that ass. The chef said the servers who remain clothed in their usual attire during the private dinners have also been trained to be respectful and closed customers. I'm the chef and the owner, my crew. We're all professionals. Tickets for the dinners cost and we'll get into it. How much it is for men and for women, different prices. Of course. Special rules for the event.

The women have hit the so-called ass ceiling. Okay. Special rules to the event include in its admission to anyone, no admission to anyone under 18. We couldn't get a sitter. He's 12. He's masturbating all the time and we couldn't get a sitter. He's got to learn sometime. He wants to come.

I don't like the waiters being clothed. I think it's either all of us or none of us. Yeah, but that, but you can't. I mean, 29 days out of the month, it's a regular steakhouse with just servers who are just, and it's like you tell them. I was here last Monday and I saw her. Hey, you got to show up butt naked Monday night. It's like, you know, you can't do that. And every waiter and waitress, they're all having sex with each other already.

This is below deck, essentially. Yeah, some of them, like, yeah, I was a server in college. You could probably find enough maybe to staff one night. One night. So, because I could see someone would have been, again, if they're promised enough, you know. Wait. Tip share or whatever. Is this fake me a stick in the mud or an old guy?

If I don't like it when a waiter or waitress doesn't write anything down. I can't. It's a major pet people behind. I'm like, come on. And then they're like, so wait, so what did you have? Like, again, they say, so what did you have? I'm like, you should be writing it down. You should never say, so what did you have?

I got into a whole thing with some friends of mine in Denver one night about it. Because, again, I was a server and we had a server at a big group and they did that and walked off and I was like, I don't care for that. No, everybody else said, I was like, you're being an asshole. And I was like, no, she's not going to get it. And she got it wrong. Every time. And it's like, it also.

No, the arrogance. I think for me and I hate to be this way, but if a man doesn't write down my order, I'm like, what a fucking prick. But if a woman doesn't write down the order, I'm like, she's a genius. She'll get it. A woman in STEM. Let her cook. Literally let her cook.

That is biased. That's gender bias. Gender bias. I do think like everyone naked does bring a whole new meaning to it. To all you can eat. Incredible. Incredible. Continue on.

To buffet. All right. Once you walk through the door in the buffet. So this is it. The hostess. It's a steak. She's mighty. Mighty.

Letting it all hang out. Speaking of it, bricked out, this guy's bricked up over here. All right, once you walk through the door, I'll most likely be nude, most likely. No clothes on. So when you come in, you do feel more comfortable. Hostess Tshiba Hart said.

She's trying to, in an act of empathy. Yeah. She won't get naked. She won't get naked. Okay. Each diner will be given a robe, a soft towel, and a seat cover. What am I saying?

Yeah. Soft towel seat cover. Joanne Hussie. You can't be. Hussie and be a spokeswoman for this for the city of Hollywood. She's the ultimate Hussey. Have you heard from this hussy? Who's the spokesperson for the city of Hollywood?

Let's hear what this hussy has to say. Let's hear what this Hussie has to say about it. She said that the new dining experience diners are dinners are perfectly legal as they are billed as private events. Oh, I see. There you go. Private events. So they leave their hat and their clothes and their shoes at the door. I mean, everything.

What's that song? Is that Randy New? You can leave your hat on. Terrible song. I mean, literally the worst song of all time. Because if I was having said to someone whose hat was on, I'd be like, You can leave your hat off. I'd just be focused on the hat all the time. I need the hat off.

Like, why do you need a Marlin's hat? You can leave your hat on. I have accidentally had sex with a fordora on one time. Oh, you did not. Fodora on? Fodora on. No. What are you a magician?

I wish, just a dumb dyke in 2013. Playing piano? What were you doing in the middle of this? Yeah. Doing magic? Yeah. I hope some Elvis. Estella was playing.

Racial. Fiddle. Tickets to the dinner cost how much for men will start with the men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much is a ticket to this private event, nude-only sit on a towel? They're trying to cash in. I think it's $100 because you're getting dinner in a show. Are we talking about like a cover charge or you order what you want or is this a tasting menu situation?

It might be like a pre-fe. I'm assuming it's a pre-feet. You spend this dollar amount and you get dinner. It's the Dicks-Picks fix. The Dix-Picks-Fix. Right. You get the entry and food for this amount. It's a steak dinner.

I say $100. $100.00. I'd say, honestly, closer to $200 if it's food included. For men. $100 for the men. I guess I'll split the difference as I $150. $150. Aaron, you want to pop in?

That's got to be a $200 ticket. $200 ticket. Get your answers in. They should call the restaurant in and out. $250. Oh. Oh, for the men. And then so if you go with a couple, then the woman is...

Much cheaper. You have to pay her? Much cheaper. And there's a third one, too. So how much is it? 150 for the women. A hundred? That's what I was going.

I was going to say 100. I'll do the same thing and say 125. Aaron, you went through in half. 40 bucks. 40 bucks? One of you is exactly right. You guys want to move to each other? I'm staying at 150. I'm staying at 150.

stay stay he might be right because it might be half of what it is i'll move to 1 25 you'll move you'll move off of 150 125 you shouldn't have moved it was 150 oh so 150 for women 250 for women 250 for men how much for couples oh okay but i and hear what i'll say yes gay guy couple right yes should get a pro rate i think gay guy couple would be 500 bucks but if you are a couple do they recognize gay marriage as well they're going to get more or do two men who are buddies come in and They were gay. I've already buried the lead in someone's ass. How much is it for a couple?

$300 for a couple. That's what I was going to say. It can't be $400. No. It's got to be a deal. You're both saying $300. I'm maybe $250. $2.50.

Aaron, you want to throw one in? $3.25. All right, one of you or two of you. It's like $300. That's amazing. It's amazing. 300. I also think they should combine this with the restaurant where you eat in the dark.

That way everyone's just feeling everything. Well, I think it should be a buffet, so you have to get up and walk in front of people like a Ponderosa and you walk through. Is there any more Texas toast, sir? Can you put your feet? The blind one? Like, there's a lot of hot dogs at the steakhouse. You're not near the buffet, sir. You are nowhere near the buffet.

Stop pointing at the black olives without your hands. Sir, you're not, the sneeze guard is not blocking whatever's coming out of you right now. There you go. That's a story. That's a show. You guys are amazing. Thank you for being. Go see Rachel Scanlan when she does her podcast.

Two Dykes and a mic. Live or when she does her stand-up and congratulations on selling out the St. Paul Theater of the Fitzgerald. That's amazing. Trey Crowder. Go see him where he's doing his thing. Go see him in Austin. I think Cap City is going to be great. And come see us and come see our special.

We love you guys, September 27th at the Magic and Illusion and Magic Theater or lounge here in L.A. We love you. Thank you for watching the show and supporting and listening to it. And oh, snap, we've got to come back to work.