Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 372: Ian Fidance

Episode Date: February 15, 2020

Ian Fidance, brilliantly funny comic, joins the DTFH! You can learn more about Ian here. This episode is brought to you by: Shudder - Use promo code DUNCAN for a FREE 30 Day Trial!

We are family. A good time starts with a great wardrobe. Next stop, JCPenney. Family get-togethers to fancy occasions, wedding season two. We do it all in style. Dresses, suiting, and plenty of color to play with. Get fixed up with brands like Liz Claiborne, Worthington, Stafford, and Jay Farrar.

Oh, and thereabouts for kids. Super cute and extra affordable. Check out the latest in-store, and we're never short on options at jcp.com. All dressed up everywhere to go. JCPenney. Good day, my sweet friends. It is I, D. Trussell, and you are listening

to the Duck at Trussell Family Hour Podcast. I'm up here in Jackson Hole, skiing. I don't do it that much, and Jackson Hole, as I have found out, is maybe not necessarily the best place for beginners, but a lot of people say it's a great place if you're already here. What choice do you have, and if you learn how to ski here, you could ski just about anywhere.

Apparently, Jackson Hole is like the original room at the comedy store of skiing. It's really intense here. Some of these slopes, just I've looked down at some of the slopes and almost shit my pants with terror. Just watching these weird Nordic Viking ski gods go shooting by close to light speed. You can literally see time bending around them

as they just shoot down. Who are these people? These are people from the Hollow Earth. These are people who come out of the Hollow Earth and just ski down near vertical slopes at Jackson Hole. And what's really, here's something I've learned. If you go skiing at Jackson Hole, here's something you should never do.

Don't ask the snowboarder that you just saw do some weird trick if that trail is easy, because this is someone who probably can fly. This is someone who probably has admonium bones. It's probably somebody who has done things with their life and body that they shouldn't be alive. So yeah, don't do that. It's like asking Joey Diaz if the weed he's offering you

is strong. No, this is easy. This is angel tears, light. And then two hours later, you'll be balled up in your bathroom, just weeping, trying to just trying to take one breath. That's what Jackson Hole is. Like it's crazy, beautiful though.

Beautiful, fun, amazing time, but also it really lets you confront your fear of death by the various ways, the various strange and brutal ways you can leave this planet via skiing, the worst being tree wells, which is where if you veer off path, you're just gonna go head first and do it. Why am I doing this?

Why am I making the whole thing? It's a beautiful, mystical sport. And what I love about it is that it really teaches you how much fear just ruins your ability to be graceful. Cause you know, I was finally, I worked myself up to do a Jackson Hole blue slope. And I just, you know, you hear stories and you see people at the end of the day of skiing here

and they look like they were running from grizzly bears. They've got a look in their eye that they haven't just been doing something athletic, but they have been confronting Shiva directly, having conversations with the Grim Reaper about their next like 50 years. There's a strange look in their eyes. And you know, I can't say that doing a blue hole,

blue hole, a blue slope here, a blue hole is actually one of those massive things that lead to the Hollow Earth and the Caribbean. A blue slope, if you don't know skiing, green slopes are for the babies, the noobs. Blue is the next one up. And then the next one up from that is called black diamond. And then the black diamonds, I think it rated

like they used to rate pornography with like triple X black diamond. The high level black diamonds, it's the same thing as a cliff. You don't even ski. You just stand at the edge of a cliff and there's a person with a ski pole that shoves you in the back.

Even if you beg, if you say, I've changed my mind, I don't wanna do this. They just force you off a cliff and you fall 30 feet into the rocks. And then there's paramedics that take you to the hospital. So those are like the most complicated ski trails. And I would never do that. But the blue one, it's like,

I found the easiest blue trail at Jackson Hole. And it wasn't that hard, except for at the very beginning where you're surrounded by like 30 or 40 of these hardcore ski masters. You see them tucking their wings, their gargoyle wings. Some of them can fly. They're like, people are coming in here from alternate dimensions.

You see them tuck their weird ski wings underneath their massive jackets and put on their strange looking helmets with glyphs and runes of protection painted around it. You see them wave to their snow dragons that are perched in the trees looking down at them. And then there's me, you know, and they can tell right away. They look at you like, what are you doing up here?

You're not supposed to be up here. This is not your place. They look at you the same way like DMT helps when you're having a bad DMT trip. If you're unlucky enough to go to the part of the DMT zone where you were unexpected, that's what they look at you like, like, well, all right. Good luck.

So this one slope that I went down, it wasn't, it was the steepest slope I ever skied, but it wasn't just that. It's that there's like a crowd of these high level skiers zipping by you, like little bullets made of ski people just shooting by. You could hear the, you know, and like if you fall, that you become a road bump for these skis

that are made out of the like shit the Nazis dug up from underneath the temple. And, you know, this is like these people are, they've got like quantum computer skis that like temporarily manifest. Basically what I'm saying is they're harpoons. And one of these like Illuminati bastards could just would probably impale you and just keep skiing.

And it would be a challenge for them. They might say like, I have to do this. It is the fastest way to get you off the mountain. I don't know. But like it's, so you don't want to fall. And so right there, that's where I got the terrors. Now, usually I do not achieve this level of personal terror through sports.

It's in fact a very rare thing for me to be in any kind of physical situation where I feel even the slightest adrenaline rush. I don't do jujitsu. I bet, you know, I treadmill. That's my sport. And I don't do it that often. So, you know, I'm like sports adrenaline

is like a new feeling for me. Usually the adrenaline that I get comes from, I don't know, eating too much weed, thinking about the future, you know, but not just like just the, we can't explain it. It's just a strange terror overcame me. And I instantly fell like a total noob. I was, it was like, I was, I don't,

I was barely going fast. That's the funny thing. It was like, there wasn't a reason to fall. If you were one of these Viking ski pirate masters and you saw me fall, you would think that like, I hit like something had happened to my knee. Like you wouldn't even imagine I had fallen because I wasn't balanced.

But that's exactly what it, what it was. I was just like so overcome with fear. My legs just sort of gave out and I fell and you're sitting there. Oh my God. It's just the best. Listen, fuck ayahuasca or any of the things, not really fuck ayahuasca.

I'd like to try someday, but the, forget the fucking things that like, they say shave your ego down. Forget all that. Just sit like a, like a lamb that's fallen down on a blue slope in the easy part of a blue slope at Jackson Hole. If you want to feel true shame and embarrassment.

Like it's, it's, I can't even, you know, I have, I've eaten shit on stage maybe a hundred million times and that feels as bad as bad can be. But if you want to experience that minus having to get on stage, all you got to do is go to the blue slope, Jackson Hole and just tumble down like a baby, like a baby man with your beard and your,

and your helmet and your, and your skis sort of off to the side while dudes and gals who can literally do backflips. These are the people who like canoe off of, canoe off of, you know, waterfalls. These are the people who like do skydiving. These are the same people who like wrestle bears in Siberia. And they just see your 45 year old body

just kind of like lamely flop over like those. I don't know if you've seen those sheep. You spin an umbrella at them and they just fall over. You know, they're just like collapse. That's what I did. I looked at the slope that I was going to head down and I just, I fell, I fell over and just out of fear. And I got a big deep breath and then thank God

I was able to like navigate it. And I got, I got back in one piece and found an easier blue to go down. But what, it's a blast. I got to do more stuff like this. You know, it's really easy to get, it's really easy to get easy. It's really easy to get safe.

And I think that aside from the transcendent joy of feeling what it's like to fly down the side of a mountain, there is also no doubt a big part of the drug is the danger. You know, it's like a speedball of mystical beauty mixed with a real potential of like, you know, at the very least embarrassing yourself at the worst flying into a moose. You know, there's moose around here,

walking in between the trails. There's just moose and bears that just wait for people to go off the trail. You go into a tree well, get nice and frozen down like a popsicle and the bear just pulls you out, burrows down into the snow and slowly licks and laps at your frozen ass and then just chomps down.

So these are the dangers of Jackson Hole, but if you're interested or if you're like somebody who's like, you know, just ready to like experience a combination of like really deadly skiing and being around people who have yacht problems, then Jackson Hole is for you, for sure. It was a blast. A lot of mystical people here too.

It's the only, I'll leave it at this. It's the only time in my history of using Lyft that I've been picked up in a Porsche. I got picked up in a Porsche Lyft. That's what it's like in Jackson Hole. We have got a fantastic podcast for you today, but first, a word from our sponsors. I love horror movies more than anything

and I am deeply grateful to Shutter, not just for sponsoring this episode of the DTFH, but for creating what is most definitely the best, most incredible collection of horror movies existing today. They have got a curated selection. You want the old school staple horror movies like Phantasm? They've got it.

You want the new Creepshow series that they did? You've got it. You want original, really, really good horror movies? They've got that. Check out the Deadlands, which is a fantasy horror that's running right now. They also have the Creepshow series and they've also got what is definitely

one of my favorite modern horror movies, Mandy. And Three From Hell is beginning to stream there if you're into the Rob Zombie movies, which I definitely am. I love the Grindhouse genre. And you get to stream all of this for only $5.99 a month. That's it, $5.99. You know why I know that number?

Because that's how much it used to cost to rent one movie from Blockbuster, a new one. $5.99 and you get the largest, fastest growing human curated selection of thrilling and dangerous entertainment. They are really good. Try them out. You can try Shutter Free for 30 days.

All you gotta do is go to shutter.com, use promo code Duncan. That's S-H-U-D-D-E-R promo code Duncan. And you will get 30 days of splattered guts and excellent, incredible horror movies that represent the entire beautiful continuum of one of my favorite genres ever. Again, try Shutter Free for 30 days.

Go to shutter.com, use promo code Duncan. S-H-U-D-D-R to try Shutter for free. Thank you, Shutter. I hope one day we get to make something together. I love you. All right, sweet pals. We've got an incredible podcast. Ian Fidance is returning.

We just did the Arlington Draft House. My thanks to all of you showed up. It was super fun. Ian is one of my favorite comics. I met him in New York. He's just this brilliant maniac who is so funny. He's been touring around with David Tell. And I got lucky enough to have him open up for me

for a few days and we had a blast in DC and in New York. Hey, if you don't want commercials in the DTFH, won't you subscribe over at patreon.com, forward slash D-T-F-H. You'll get commercial free episodes and extra hour-long ramble every month. And you'll get the joy of knowing that your ancestors are no longer burning in hell.

All right, oh, also we have a shop located at dugitrustle.com with lots of gifts, gadgets, knickknacks, and blessed wares. Now, without further ado, I present to you the brilliantly funny Ian Fidance. ["Welcome Back Man"] ["Welcome, welcome on you, that you are with us"] ["Shake it, no need to be blue, welcome to you"]

It's the Dugitrustle video, Dugitrustle video, Dugitrustle video. Ian, welcome back man. Hey, thanks for having me. This is like a very special DTFH, friends. I am here in the beautiful Ritz Carlton with Ian Fidance, who has been featuring for me for some shows out here on the road. Yes.

And crushing it. Oh, my friend, thank you. Demolishing it. Yes. Smashing it. Leveling. Leveling. Bulldozing.

Bulldozing. Yes. And it's cool, man. You know, I've been watching you from afar. I've got a couple of secret servant agents, secret service folks, FBI types, private investigators as well. But also, it's cool to see all the success

you've been getting, man. You've been touring around with one of the greatest comics of all time. Yeah. Me. Yes. And you've also been touring with Dave Attel. A little fella named Dave Attel.

Holy shit. How did that happen? Yeah, it's wild. So I worked a comedy seller and he, whenever he was on stage, I'd always, you know, you have a chance to watch Dave Attel. So I'd kind of go in the room and just watch. And he started calling out to me when I was in the back

of the room and we would go back and forth. We had like a good rapport. And, you know, I chain-smoked, so to see. So we would hang out a bit. Then he saw me do a set. And when I got off stage, he asked if I would open for him at Caroline's. Wow.

Oh, my God, amazing. So I did. And it went really well. And he asked me to open for him on the road. And we got in the car and hit the road. And we got along really well. And it just kind of snowballed into me being as opener now. So I'd go on the road with him.

And I opened for him and Jeff for bumping mics. And it's completely surreal. It's amazing. It's awesome. It's amazing, huh? Yeah. That's pretty cool when that happens, when a comic decides that they want

to start taking you around with him. Yeah, it was like an organic thing, too. You know, when he brings me up, he would bring me up on stage with him. And at the end of the night, every show we do, he brings me on stage. And we go back and forth. And it's amazing.

I used to hang sheetrock in Delaware as a carpenter. And I'd put his albums on with, like, Hedberg and Burbigli and Carlin and Steve Martin and everything. And we would listen to a tell and laugh. And then now this is my life. You're sitting next to him in his Ferrari, driving up the road. What kind of car does it tell drive? Toyota.

That's cool. That's so awesome, man. The guy is like, he is the comic everyone, all the comics come and watch him. At least any comics care about stand-up, because he's figured out this way of doing comedy that seems so immensely natural, subtle, completely effortless. And yet, his jokes are all so good.

Amazing. It's incredible. And to watch it, it's like a masterclass every night. It's made me such a better comic. Because I have to work and be great, or else it's going to be an issue him coming after me. Oh, yeah, right. And even just watching him and being on stage with him,

it's really taught me the power of active listening. What do you mean, active listening? Because we go back and forth, and he'll say something, and I'll have to respond. And at first, it was very much like, oh, my god, I'm with David Tell. And now it's like, oh, I'm just hanging on my friend trying to make each other laugh on stage.

Right. And he's such a good listener. And his brain works so fast that when you say something, he'll just convert it into a joke. I've seen him say he does that shit where you're like, man, this is some kind of, hold on. I just over blew my mic here. You're like, this is some kind of alien thing?

Or like a, you know, or you're like with a mutant, a teller, like, you know, when you're like with someone who theoretically could like move glasses with their mind or something, except what they're doing is like effortlessly in the moment with whatever the variables happen to be around them at that time, spitting out exactly the funniest thing. Like if you had an advanced computer,

and you were like, hey, can you just do the funniest thing with whatever's around? It's like throwing a Rubik's cube at him, and he just solves it and spits it right out. Yeah, there's like a, is that weird how like with stand up, there's a mathematical quality to stand up. It's like weirdly mathematical, which is why I think. Yeah, economical.

What do you mean economical? Word economy. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And everything. Trim and fat. Like syllables and words. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything on the specific one.

What equation works out with where you saw for X in the best way possible? So do you think that's where the comedy writer just lives in that world of geometrically perfect punch lines and jokes, whereas like a stand up has got to take that math and turn it into a performance, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, totally. I mean, I think it's very much a New York thing

of being like a standstill, you know, math writer, I'm a writer, he's set up punchline joke, whatever. And I felt inadequate for a long time because I had such a hard time, I had such a hard time with that. And I just felt like on stage, if I'm not moving around and flailing and being myself, I'm gonna kill myself.

So I tried to be this like little like joke and it just didn't work. And then now in the way I talk, I can put together jokes and it's not so much what I say, but it's how I say, like, if you look at some of my jokes on paper, it's like, what? But then like the delivery and the performance aspect of it, I feel like I've really been trying to kind of hone in on.

And that's been something that I've been working on because I've never been good at math. Yeah, well, I mean, that's what's so funny about math is everything is math. Like that was, you know, about, do you know, Pythagoras? You ever heard of Pythagoras? Yeah, Pythagorean theorem. And, you know, he was a cult leader.

Really? Yeah, like a lot of people don't know that he had a cult. And some people don't even know if there was an individual Pythagoras or if it was like a group of people or if it was the name of some being that was being channeled through this guy. But yeah, he had like devotees who lived with him and stuff.

And like, if anybody left the cult, they would like put a great, this is how weird it was. They would dig a grave for that person and put a tombstone up for him. But his like, you know, idea was that math is the purest and the closest you can get to the divine. And that math supersedes all other expressions

because it's like the free base reality. Where, you know, because when you're listening to music, you're just hearing math that's being converted into sound by your ears, which are doing these weird little sonic calculations, turning just basic, you know, wave forms into sound. But it's all math. It could all be mathematically charted, everything,

obviously color, you know, the spectrum, and then clearly like geometry. It's insane how they figured that out, just out of nothing. And even jokes, you know, like or have this math, which is why, you know, that's all I'm doing now is I'm just doing like various equations on stage,

you know, just adding 25 plus 73, one plus seven. Yeah, last night you did. It's well, we'll be patient. People loved it, dude. People are like, I'll have to delete that. I don't want people to hear my closing. That sucks, man.

But yeah, that's okay. I'll write something new, I guess. But yeah. Dude, you've been doing great. It's been so awesome to watch you. Because, you know, like just thinking of, you know, one of the last times we'd podcasted, things have changed so much for both of us.

And you've been such an important part of my life and to come together and be down here in DC, doing shows again, it's just surreal, man. It's crazy. It's a cool life. I love it. Yes, comedy's the best, man. It really is.

It's like such a weird profession, and it's so fun to like get to hang out with you. I just love it, man. I mean, who wants to fucking hear two comics jerking each other off, which we're literally doing right now. Yeah. Can you talk about last night?

Oh, boy. I guess, yeah. You don't have to give anybody's names. No, no, no. So, okay, great. This is crazy. Yeah. But I think it's a fun, it would be a fun thing.

It's scandalous to talk about it. Sure. You sure it's okay? Because I could stop and we don't have to talk about it. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's... Okay, great. So, my last night was as like,

was wonderful, actually. I got to hang out with my brother. He's in town. He came by. We just talked, caught up. It was wonderful. This morning, or for lunch, I met Ian at the restaurant here at the Ritz.

Fucking weird restaurant. And we're just like laughing and joking. And you did seem like kind of, I don't know the words. Not scatterbrained. You seem like, dude, I'm gonna be honest, man. This is not a denigrating thing that I'm saying, okay?

So, one of our dogs has yet to be fixed. And I have a poodle. And whenever she goes into heat, the poodles personality changes. A little tiny, little cute poodle. But I can't explain it. He gets like passionate about life.

Is it like in the way that a poodle could get passionate? I don't know how to explain it. Like there's just a lot going on during those times. Poodle has been fixed. So there's no danger of like making doggie babies. Anyway, that was the end. You were like, I had this energy, definitely like you wanted to talk.

Your voice was a little hoarse. So anyway, please, tell the story of what happened last night. Oh my gosh. Well, you know, we had a good old time at the draft house and I went out afterwards to the crowd to meet a buddy of mine. And while I was there,

I talked to these two people and they came up and talked and whatever. And the chick was like, super hot. I was like, oh, hey, how are you doing? She's like my boyfriend. I was like, see you later. And you know, we were talking and they were like nice. The guy actually gave me like a tag for a joke.

I was like, man, take it easy, pal. You know, and so they leave and whatever. And you know, you and I hung out for a bit and then we went back to the hotel and I look on Instagram, my DMs were like blowing up. And the girl was like, you know, my boyfriend loved you and he wanted to buy you a meal. We have a car if you want to hang out.

So upset, you and I didn't get a selfie. And I was like, oh yeah, what a bummer. Hey, I'll go eat with you guys only if we can have like an epic threesome at the end of the night. And she goes, let's do it. And I was like, what? So we were kind of doing like logistics

of like, you're staying here. Well, we're five minutes away, whatever, whatever. And then I threw it out there. I go, hey, I'm going to go to CVS. Just want to let you know, I get tested every six months. I only play safe and I hope that's okay with you. And she didn't respond.

She left me on red and I was like, oh God. Did they want to just eat and I like, when she said, let's do it, did she think like, oh yeah, let's go eat? And I'm like, I want to fuck you guys, you know. And I go, are we not on the same page? Left me on read and I go, LOL, whoopsies. I was like, well, that's that.

You know, the end of it. I threw it out there. They didn't reel me in. That was an mortifying few moments. Totally, oh my God. That's gonna, like, I would think like, shit, that's going to come back to haunt me. Like I'm going to seem like the creep,

creepiest creep. Oh, I thought it was so funny. You know, just that miscommunication of like, well, I'll eat with you if we fuck each other. And she goes, well, let's do it. And I'm like, we're all going to have a threesome. She's like, no, I just wanted to go to Applebee's with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We just wanted to share a meal with my boyfriend. Who are you? It's all right. That's almost weirder than a threesome, to be honest. It's just like, we wanted to have like a platonic sort of, yeah, you know, basic meal with you. What's wrong with you? No, thanks.

Why? So this guy can step on my punch lines. Yeah. Like, you know, I was thinking you could did it. Yeah. I was like, ugh. And a part of me was like, well, I'd really love to hate fuck this guy

for trying to tell me a joke, you know? Yeah. And so then she was like, no, why is that I'm safe to, you know, whatever, whatever. Why? Because I said, LOL, whoopsies. She goes, why whoopsies? We're into it.

And I was like, oh my God. She's like, here, let's meet this far. We'll pick you up. I'm like, okay. So they pick me up and- Fuck, that's crazy. Crazy. Does this happen to you a lot on the road?

No, no. What happens is usually people approach me and the guy is very like into fooling around with me and he kind of looks like, you know, like a dirt bike of a human and his wife is- So you do get approached by couples. Sometimes, yeah. But I'm never into it.

I'm never into it. Why do you think that? Why is that that you get approached by couples? Well, because I talk about being into both men and women. Oh, okay. You know, on stage. Okay, okay. And people think like,

this guy's blowing through town. We'll never see him again in experience, whatever, you know? But like people that dig me and my comedy sometimes hit me up. And I just did this thing on Comedy Central for getting rejected at a glory home. So funny. And ever since then,

a ton of guys have been like hitting me up and I'm like, oh, you're not my type. No, thanks. And some guy was like, hey, if you ever want to go cruising at Macy's on 34th Street, hit me up. Macy's. Oh my God. Dude, New York City is insane.

The Macy's Men's Levi section is like where dudes go to meet up and fool around. What? Yeah. How does that- I can remember once hearing how Home Depot, there was at one point Home Depot was 24 hours. Uh-huh.

I can be wrong, but they had to like stop because like after like 2 a.m. Right. Who's really doing construction? Like what kind of weird, it's either like serial killers getting buzz saws to like chop somebody up or guys wanting to fuck. Yeah, they're just trying to fuck each other.

So they had to like shut it down for some reason. But- You mean the lumber aisles? How do you think like the origination of that happened? Like in other words, like Macy's opens up. Right. They've got a Levi section. They're just selling jeans.

But at some point it becomes this like an eddy, a ripple of- What we did 34th Street is a hub. That's where Penn Station is. That's where people are going in and out of. Okay. Penn Station, the men's room in the back of Penn Station is just a fucking jack-off den.

It's tons of dudes cruising and looking, you know? I think it's because there's just so much people and people are in and out. It's like a central meet-up place. New York City used to be, I mean with Times Square, there's a great book called Times Square Red, Times Square Blue that is all about, you know, the jack-off theaters and porno places

where gay men would go and meet up. And it was almost like a familial community thing where these guys would go on their lunch break and they'd see the regulars, you know, how's the wife, how's the kids, you know? Right. They'd jerk each other off. And when that all got shut down, they got pushed out.

This community no longer existed, so they had to go to these outliers of society in the city. A ton of them got pushed out to the West Side Highway in the woods and there was like, you know, murders and crime out there. Right. And it kind of really, there was truly like a community of these like kind of old screwball New Yorkers

that just like to get off at different times of the day where it was like a safe environment for them. And that got all shut down. And so they've dispersed throughout the city. There's like the rambles in Central Park. Heard about that. Yeah. Yeah.

What I love about your comedy is the way you talk about glory holes is not like edgelording. It's like the way I talk about modular synthesizers. You know, it's like, you love them. And, you know, like you ask the audience at the bell house, you guys, you know, about the Fifth Avenue glory hole. I can't remember which one. Eighth Avenue glory home.

Eighth Avenue. But to me, I'm like, fuck, they're like, you really, that's the thing you would think people would know about. Yeah. Like a lot of us are like, what the fuck? That's, that's real. Like that's actually, where is, what wall is that in? It's weird because what wall is that in?

Yeah, no. I mean, hey, I can't have a glory hole without a wall, otherwise you're fucking. But where is that? You can't have a song without math. Can't have a dream without a heart. They're in the back of porno shops. Okay, I see.

All the porno shops have rooms in the back. And then, you know, it's mostly along Eighth Avenue, Chelsea, Hell's Kitchen. Okay, I got you. See, there's multiple glory holes. Yes, yes. There's not just like one well-known, like a. Well, there are some that are more popular than others,

you know, but it's this weird thing of like, I very much am not the expected embodiment of the queer LGBT community, you know what I mean? And I kind of, what I'm about is not conducive to the image that they project, you know what I mean? So like the very like hardcore, like old school New York, like cruiser, whatever dude, like no longer really exists. It's kind of this new thing of like,

you do Molly, you dance all night long, you'd, you know, are, I don't know, I've just never fit in with that community. So I feel like anonymous gay sex allows me to enter that world and leave because I've never felt fully comfortable and accepted in that world in light. So I have to go through the darkest of night. How much of that not being accepted is your projection

and how much of it is your really. Probably the majority of it because I've had a hard time opening myself up to it to allow myself to experience that, you know, because I had to hide it for so long. So every interaction I had was very much in secrecy and I had to go to these places, you know, with like a hat and whatever.

And maybe it's because I never opened myself up to that. But I've had comics on stage, you know, queer comics following me and being like, give it up for the guy that gives the gay community a bad name or whatever. Yeah, I took a guy aside and was like, don't ever fucking do that again. You're the reason why I've never felt comfortable

in that community. Learn to write a fucking joke and don't lean on me for you to get a laugh. What do you say? I mean, he started like crying and everything. And I had to hug him. He'd be like, it's okay, you know, I'm so sorry. You know, and I'm like, the only reason I'm saying this

is because I like you. If I didn't like you and didn't care, I'd just move on and be like, fuck that guy. But I'm saying to you. How are you giving it a bad name to me? You talk about being bisexual and this like really healthy. Because it's in a very like hardcore way of not like, you know, like I don't care if you accept me or not.

I'm going to be who I am. And a lot of other people have this view of like, you have to accept me or else you're wrong. It's like, no, like for some people it's like, you know, it's weird, it's weird. And it's okay to think things are weird. And it's okay to not be comfortable with stuff. If you're not comfortable with stuff,

doesn't mean you hate it, you're oppressing it. You know what I mean? I understand. But I'm trying to kind of make people feel like, because I don't come off as that. So when you find out about it, you're like, whoa. And I kind of want to be like, yeah, there's tons of people like this.

They're just afraid to admit it. I get messages and confront it, not confront it, but people come up to me all the time and they're like, dude, I would suck at my friend's stick for years. If you tell someone, I'll kill you. I'm like, I'm not a priest. I was like, let it out. It's totally fine.

Yeah, man. And it's this weird thing of like, so many people experience these things, but they feel that shame and everything that you can't, it makes you gay forever. It's like it doesn't. It's totally fine. You can, it's like a windshield worry,

but you can go left or right and you're not defined by what side you're on. That is, isn't that the conch, one of the big controversial points that you're making? Like, cause I remember God, like the LGBTQ community got pissed off at that guy, Logan Paul, cause he said he was going to be gay for a month. Now when I, obviously you can't say they got pissed,

but like some like, I guess activists or some people were like, said that's super offensive. Cause when you say that, you are saying it's a choice that you're making it. And if you say it's a choice, then that leads to all of the horrors that folks have gone through and that, you know, reprogramming people,

like taking gay people and trying to like make them straight. All that insane. It's like, yeah, you want to try to get as many people as you can into heaven. Anyway. Yeah. You want to get fucking people into heaven. There's no gay in the heaven if you're gay.

Come on, you know. No, I get that, but it's like- No glory holes in heaven, friend. Well, it ain't heaven, pal. Hell is heaven without glory holes. I'm just trying to go to that big old glory hole in the sky, man. I think like, dude, it is so ridiculous to live your life

and be like, I've never had a gay thought and think that if you do, it makes you gay. Like it doesn't. And if you experiment or fool around, we've been taught that this defines you and makes you a certain way. And I even hate the label bisexual. I don't really think, I think I'm me.

I think I do what I want when I want. When the feeling strikes me, I go for that. And when it doesn't, I don't. And I've actually kind of realized that, because I'm antidepressant, I'm diagnosed bipolar and a big- A big what? A big aspect of being bipolar is acting out sexually.

And I've kind of realized, you know how women can sink their periods up to the moon? Yeah. Well, they have to do a lot of research. They have to do a lot of math and they have to write down the sun came out at this time today. The moon came out. They don't sink it up.

My temperature was whatever. Yeah. What? Women can sink their periods to the lunar cycle. What? Yes. I know they like sink up to each other, but I didn't know they get like, what?

Yes. You have to, it takes an intense amount of work of keeping records of your temperature, of the time the sun rises, the time the moon goes down, when you start feeling a certain way, when you get your first period. And you can link your cycle up to the lunar cycle. What?

That's how magical women are. Hold on a second. It's a superpower. So you're saying like a woman can put her period off a little bit? That's why so many women are into astrology because they feel such a connection with this outer world.

Wait. Yes, look it up. I believe you. I just, I knew that women, when they were together, they would start having their period at the same time, but I didn't know you could like, it implies that if you know your period is coming, you can somehow push it off a couple of days

until the moon, until it's a full moon. Well, then what is the difference between linking up with your friends? I think it just happens like automatically. I didn't know it was, no, this is, I believe you, man. It's just like, this is like new knowledge to me. Yeah, it's wild. What else can you sync up to the moon?

I don't know. Maybe like our, I've synced up when I come to the moon. I can only come when there's a half moon. So I save up a lot of jizz. Geez, that was brutal, man. Yeah, it sucks. Wow, that is, if I just think about the moon, I come. It's terrible, I don't know what it is.

You gotta unsync yourself. Yeah, I'm trying, can't. It's like once you're synced in, you're in, baby. There's no way out. I mean, full moon, I go into ketosis. Hold on now. We diverted a little bit from what happened to you last night. Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, let's go back to that. Okay, so now you're in a potential threesome situation. Yes. Well, they pick me up and they've got car seats for babies. And I'm like, well, this is interesting. This is a new bit of information. But see, there's your prejudice, right? Because you see the car seat and you're like,

fuck, that's weird. Like if you have a kid, you can't experiment. You can't experiment anymore. And that's my prejudice. So I had to drop that and be like, well, I can't let that bother me. Push through to the, you know, pussy and dick at the end of the tunnel.

And so. Yes, you don't know they really have kids. Yeah, I don't know. Because it couldn't even be their car. They could have borrowed a car to kill me in DC. Like a Seth Rich situation. Into it, that could be part of their fetish. Just like put baby seats in.

We want you to get in the baby seat and spread your legs like stirrups. Yeah, you never know. But for this, the assumption is that someone's got a kid. Yes. So the car stole. We go to, we try to go to this gay bar. They won't let us in.

They're over capacity. So we go to a strict club down the street. And the guy kept getting up to go, like give money to the strippers. And when he would get out, me and the girl would be like, so what's the deal? And she was like, look, we've been in a relationship for three years.

I've been wanting to experiment with like bringing a guy in. I'm like, does he want to fool around? And she goes, I don't think he's bisexual. I was like, okay, that's a relief because I wasn't like that attracted to him. Right. And she was like a hot, low number.

She's like, I'd really like to be fucked by another guy while my boyfriend fucks me. And I was like, oh, I was like, is he cool with that? She said, yeah, only if he kind of vibes well with a guy, whatever. And I was like, okay, cool. And that kind of made me open up more, like change my gay plan of being more of like

a kind of like loving, like welcoming friend rather than like kind of like, so where we fuck it. You know what I mean? Right. And she changed my game plan. And we talked a bit and I was like, I'm going to go outside and smoke. So I went outside to smoke.

They talked and I came back and they were like, I was like, so what's going on? They're like, well, yeah, I mean, we can leave. I go, you want to get out of here? They go, yeah, let's leave right now. And I'm like, all right, why is this happening? And you know, and she was like, you know, we left the condoms at his place.

We can get them and go to your hotel or you can come back to our place, whatever makes you more comfortable. And I was like, well, why don't we do what makes you comfortable? Because I'm infringing on your relationship. I'm infringing, I'm the third, you know, so let's go whatever makes you guys feel comfortable.

And if anything happens, I can dip out. Like, okay. That's fascinating. You decided to take on the role of the polite one. Like, cause if you really look at what happened, you got hit up on Instagram cause they wanted to fuck you. Yeah. That, you know what I mean?

It was like, but suddenly you're like, let me, I just want to be, I don't want to put you guys in a weird position. Well, I felt as if my role was almost like a Sherpa to bring them to a place that they had never been before. Right. And I kind of have an idea of like, I love bringing people joy.

That's, you know, A glory whole Sherpa. Yes. That's actually a really cool idea. That's like, you know what, man? Like you really might have some, I don't mean to cut you off, but like you would be the perfect,

like a glory whole Sherpa of New York. And what you do is like guys who are like wondering, am I gay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You take them to your, like your favorite glory holes. You entertain them along the way. Like a glory whole Somalia. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what glory holes pair with like the best music? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Are you into death cat for cutie? We're going to go to the rainbow room on, you know, 20 versus seven. That's a real service.

And I'm sure there's a lot of people out there that really love that. Well, you know, I've really been wanting to develop an app. So I'm just going to do glory hole finder, like a yell for glory holes. Yeah. And I think it's going to take off, man.

I'm sure. Yeah. That would definitely take off. But I think people are sick of apps. I think people want the human experience. You know what I mean? Like the actual like, like there's tours of everything.

There is really. I've never heard of like a cruising tour of New York. Does that exist? No. You know, that'd be really good. Just imagine you walking down the street with like 15 guys pretending they're not walking behind you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm the one that finds like the guy, because it's all about eye contact and a look, you know. And then you walk past each other, you turn around and if you both look at each other, you swing around and talk. And it's so funny because immediately the conversation is top or bottom.

You know what I mean? Because you got to fit. Wow. And so it'd be so funny. You know, like, you know when catch me if you can when Leonardo DiCaprio has the stewardesses hide him in the back?

Yeah. It's like that. I'm like, you know, trying to like get past all these people and then I see some guy and I'm like, come. Wow. Training. Yeah.

This is great, man. I think it's like a definitely a show. I'll give you 10%. Great. Wonderful. Fantastic. Now. Yes.

So you become very polite, which is really sweet. Yes. To me, I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be like, hotel. Just because it's a semi-public place, you don't know what their house is like. I would be afraid of going into the house. Well, listen, if somebody wants to kill me

and it's going to bring them joy killing me, then if in my last moment I can give someone joy, that's what it is. You're assuming that it's going to be a quick death. They're torturing me. I'm like, as long as you're happy, there's people who have been locked up in basements for decades.

Well, I apart. Okay. So when we got to their place, we had to go to this expansive parking garage. And in my head, I'm like, okay, I can definitely take both of them. Like I'm very scrappy and I'm always aware of my surroundings. Like even when I walk at night, I walk past someone

and I'm very kind of like look over my shoulder, you know? And I was like, okay, I could take them, but if they have like tasers or something, I would be kind of fucked. Guns? But they didn't give me that vibe at all. And also like who's going to throw away their life to murder?

Like they would definitely get caught. How do you know? They would get caught in a heartbeat. Who did you tell? I texted a couple of friends of mine and was like, hey, I'm going with these people, whatever. You're telling their names? No.

Did you tell them you're... No, man. See, that's the thing. Like when you... Here's the thing. I'm sorry. I'm a dad now. I'm sorry if I'm getting off square on you.

Give me advice, father. Well, listen. Yes. Son, when you're going to do these threesomes, listen. This is what you have to do. This is a new birds of bees talk for 2020. Yeah, man. Listen to this.

Have you ever seen that show? I shouldn't have survived. Yes. The name of the show should be I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Almost everyone in those situations got themselves into that situation. That was going through my head.

Right, but if you're going in the wilderness on a hike or whatever, you always tell somebody where you're going and you always leave in the car, that if you took a car there, you leave a note with your emergency info, who you are and where you're going, just because if something happens out there,

you wanna make sure that someone could come and get you. So in this situation, you didn't tell anybody. I told two friends that I was talking to these people and I was going out with them and we were going to a bar. So you could have been tracked. It just would have taken a while. Yeah, it would have taken a little bit. It wouldn't have been a first 48.

It would have been like a 72. Yeah, right. And you're assuming, anyway, the point is, I think with that kind of stuff, you do have to be super. Anytime you're going to a stranger's house, you gotta be careful. You're totally right.

And I was like, should we go to my apartment or the hotel? But then I was like, well, they would probably be more comfortable in their environment, whatever. And I don't know, I just had an okay feeling about it. I feel like I'm very into it. Yeah, you can trust that sometimes. You know, I have a good,

I can yard people really well. Graveyards filled with people who thought they were very into it. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Filled, just graveyards. I don't even know what it is that he died doing, what he loved, eating ass, you know. Eating this girl's ass.

Well, her boyfriend bludgeoned me to death. More like he died because someone literally ate his ass. Yeah. So, okay, so you go into these, the other reason, aside from like the danger shit, which actually was not the reason I would be worried about. Can I tell you, when I used to drink and everything, the risk and I'm addicted to the chaos and the risk

and the danger, like, it wasn't even about like, oh, I wanna go out and like drink. It was like, I wonder where I'm gonna wake up tomorrow. You know what I mean? Like that, I miss that chaos and that risk in my life, which is why I think I engage in some risky behaviors. Right. And I think this ticked off a thing in my head.

It was like, yeah, get involved. Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have been more afraid of just a cat litter waft, quarter house, bed bugs, flee, see that's. Well, they had a cat, there was a big litter box, you know, tons of whatever. And immediately, the cat and I hit it off

and they were like so impressed that the cat was like so into me, like she never likes anyone. Oh my God, like this is such a good sign. I'm like, yeah, yeah. But then it was like so awkward of like, cause the guy just kept like getting, he kept putting up these roblox of like, do you want me to make you a seltzer?

I, you know, do you want a frozen dessert? He was like, I'm playing with a cat. And he's like, she has her claws. Why don't I clip the claws right now? Did he really say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, babe, babe, babe. No, no, he goes, I can clip the claws right now.

You know, do you like this painting? Let's start a book club. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you wanna crochet, you know? Yeah, man. So I was like, okay, I feel like my role here is to, you know, further this along. So I made a comment that was like, you know,

you got, why don't you guys just go make out and I'll play with a cat. And the guy was like, ha, ha, ha, that's funny. You know, and the girl was like, that's a good idea. And it was definitely like nervous, you know what I mean? And I could sense that and I understood. And I go, so what are we doing here guys? And I go, I, you know, I'm down for this.

I've got two other threesome scheduled. We've got 15 minutes. Times a ticking, you know what I mean? And there's a glorial watergate I get to get to, you know? And a Pentagon glorial. And it really goes in another dimension where you take it sucked by giants. That's a fact.

I get to go fuck the head of J. Edgar Hoover. Can we get this over with, please? And so they were like, yeah. And I go, why don't you guys go to the bedroom? You guys get comfortable. And then I'll come in. They go, okay, come in five minutes. I'm like, all right.

So then I'm like, what the fuck do I do? Oh my God. So I like, start to look at porno on my phone to like get me jazzed up, you know? Because I'm like, what, you know? But then I got like, lost on Instagram. And I'm like, oh, that's nice, you know? And so I'm like, well, I guess I better go in.

And I go in and they're both naked. He's on top of her, you know? And I didn't know what to do. And I was like, hey guys. What do you say? What do you say when you're walking into a threesome? What do you say? You know, knock, knock, who's there?

Stranger, hi. Hi. Have you heard about the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? The church of Latter-day Saints? Yeah, that's so wild. And I'm like, do I go up and start like licking her toes or touching her or be asking questions? It's like, no, I gotta be the guy that's like,

nosy is doing whatever these, you know? And I'd already told him earlier, I'm like very dominant in the bedroom, whatever, whatever. So I went in, I took my clothes off, I left my boxes on, they're naked. Did you fold your clothes or just throw them down? I dropped them down. Okay.

That would have been very funny if I folded them. That would have made me scared. Like if I was the dude. If I methodically folded my clothes. Yeah, I would be like, oh shit, I don't know about this. That's some Patrick Bateman type stuff. Some creepy stuff there.

I walk in, I'm like, do you guys like Huey Lewis in the news? Jesus Christ, get out of our house. So I just go over and I start, you know, kissing her body and, you know, kind of playing with her nipples. And I just started to, you know, play with her pussy and she really liked that.

And then the guy like, who's just sitting there and I was like telling him what to do and she was liking that. And I was kind of orchestrating this like, you know, symphony of flesh. And then I just kind of, you know, yeah, I just kind of. You just said you were orchestrating symphony. I love this side of you.

It's so cool. Who are you? Like the fan of the fuck house? Dude, I'm such a different person sexually. I'm like so happy, go lucky and like, hey, everything's good. But then sexually, I'm like, I'm a demon. Wow.

Yeah. Isn't that interesting that people have in them? Cause we all have our like, thank God. Yeah. And people don't go around talking to each other like they do when they're fucking. It would be a really weird world that we lived in. Totally. But it is interesting that maybe cause sex is like a thing

that happens a lot of the time in the dark. Obviously it's very taboo depending on where you're from or what you think or how you're raised. My two things that come out sexually is I very much want to please you. Like I care about you getting off. I want you to get off. That gets me off and control and dominance

because I feel I very much had to take care of other people growing up throughout my life, but I also felt no control over anything. And I think that in this way, it's me gaining some form of control and dominance over something that I didn't have for a long time. But it's very conceptual and very like I'm very, like I'll choke you, but in a very woke and loving way.

You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. You're like a priest. Yeah. No, but like as dominant as I am, I'm very aware of dynamics and very aware of, you know, like the other person. Right. No, no, I hear that.

It's just cool. It's just interesting. Like there's just a fascinating side of you. It's wild. So suddenly you're taking charge. Yeah. You're doing some leadership training. Yeah, I had a bullhorn. You're like, all right, here we go.

I'm going to start. It's time to start fucking. Listen, Kevin, I'm going to really need you to step it up. Okay. Wow. But you this isn't to me. This doesn't happen to you a lot. No. This is a new. This has never happened.

So suddenly. But you're so you're just kind of playing it by ear, but totally playing it by act as if. OK, got you. Fake it till you make it. Yeah, got it. And, you know, I was going like rain everything. And then he was having a hard time performing.

I was having a little hard time performing. You know, it's a very weird situation, you know? And then once we got into like switching positions and everything, it was, you know, I. I made her suck his dick while I ate. I had her on all fours and I was like eating her pussy and asked while she was, you know, sucking his dick. And I made her get off and then we flipped over

and he was banging her and she was blowing me. And it was straight out of like a porno. It was like, I was like, I think I watched this earlier today. Yeah. I mean, you got it that way. Probably that is where you learn the positions from, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I was like, stand on your head. How are you deciding when it was time to change positions?

I don't know. I just, it just kind of came to me and we just did it. And, and, you know, and they were just like, OK, like, yeah, they were everything I did. It was like Simon says the whole time, you know? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. It was like the Macarena. I knew what moves to make and I just had them.

I led and they follow. I'm in my hotel room bed playing a game called Divinity. With Fox News on last night. Yeah. And you're doing like fuck aerobics. Yes. In someone's apartment. Yes. Wow. Wild what happens behind closed doors. Holy shit.

It was crazy, you know, and it was it was very like wild and hot. It was always a fantasy of mine. And I think it was a fantasy of hers to, you know, have sex with two guys at once. And I think, you know, he wanted her to be happy, you know, so I think it ticked off all the boxes for the three of us. And, you know, it was like really hot. And then I was like, all right, it's time I'm going to fuck you, you know, and and I got off on how much more she was getting off with me than with him.

You know, that like really got me off. You know, I felt like powerful and I am God, you know, like really enjoying that, though. Did he seem to like that? Yeah, well, I would be like, you know, this is so ridiculous. You know, I would be like, I would be like, ask her if she likes my dick and he'd be like, do you like his dick? She'd be like, I like his dick. And I'm like, yeah, cool.

And, you know, I would, you know, tell her what to do to him and everything. And they they seemed they were really into it, you know. And I fucking Marquis de Sade is what is that the Marquis de Sade? Oh, shit. That's so cool. The Marquis de Sade is his famous, famous, famous hedonist who is like really like into BDSM and pain and, you know, sexual liberty. And like, but it was just sort of like a notorious figure who would have said something like orchestrating a symphony of flesh.

Listen, man, I'm telling you, you're like, I would say three good parties away from owning your own full body leather suit. I mean, that could be why play a town, do stand up and then have like a, you know, like a seminar afterwards or some sort of like group thing. I mean, because if you'd had a whip, you would have whipped them. Yeah. You would have in like a light way. In a light way, you would have lashed them for sure. Yeah. And you would have tied them up probably, too.

Yeah, if they were into it. Ian Fidance, everybody come see him do live comedy. If you're into threesomes, he'll fuck you and your wife. It's not just it's like this is this is like an added bonus. You know, now you're going to have to deal with this for now, after every show. I'm like an old Catskills comedian. It's a whole package. It was that in the old days.

That's what it was like in the old days of the Catskills. It was really standard for the comic to have three ways with at least, you know, two couples in your audience speak Yiddish into your pussy. So holy shit. Fighting is what? But then the thing is, I are I was listening to analysis of the democratic debate. And I was debating whether or not I should come in her on her.

You're like wondering is it time to switch positions? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Economically speaking, what is what is my best back coming forward? So I really gave them Medicaid for all because I got them both off. And I was nice, you know, I think it was really sweet that you did that. Honestly, I think for like, you know, couples, number one, I'm suspicious always. If people are portraying themselves in a certain way, you don't.

You'll never know for sure that they weren't like playing a game with you, you know, like, which is like where they are doing like the bashful right couple that pretends they've never done like into that. Yeah, yeah, you might not know that ever. But still assuming that this was like them like pushing the boundaries, it wasn't could they couldn't have picked a better person for it. And we talked beforehand about, you know, like SEDs and cleanliness. And, you know, they have both been testing.

They've been monogamous the whole time. So that made me feel comfortable, you know, they were like real swingers. I'd be like, I'm kind of scared, you know, because I always like play safe. Even when I go to like the glorials, which I think usually like real swingers actually have their what do you call it, their doctor stuff are usually in a way framed at their house, just like IH's office frame on the wall right next. No, I do think like usually they will be able to like share that to you so that you know, you're probably.

But I mean, you go to glory holes. It's not like, are you asking for people's like clean records there? Isn't that dangerous? Like, I mean, it's a risk of it. But, you know, I've worn condoms at glorials, which a lot of them really don't like. But what can you do, right? You know, yeah, it's very hard to be a sex addict and a germaphobe at the same time. I can imagine, you know, it's very, very.

You got to really invest a lot of hand sanitizer. It's wild to me that they haven't invented something better than the condom yet. You know, the because, you know, the market pressure. Like if somebody somehow invented like a sonic acoustic shield or something like an actual like Dick force field, because everyone's like when they have in force fields, they're going to use it for airplanes and but no, the first use the force field is going to be like condoms where you have the VCR. It was made for pornography.

Was it really? Yeah. The first VCR was made for for porno tapes. What? Yes. Look it up. Look it up right now. I'm telling you. I believe you, but I am start. OK, so you've told me I've learned two new facts. Yes, one women sink can intentionally sink their periods to the moon.

The lunar cycle. Can they sink their periods to other things? Like can they sink their periods to like like NASCAR races? Yeah, like, yeah. What else if they implicate there? I'm not so sure. But now you're saying the VCR was invented for porn. Yes. Look it up.

I believe you. Yeah. I can't. I can't wait to look these things up afterwards. And they're not really long. No, I can't wait to look. I have an incredible amount of conviction in the fact that I'm right. Did you steal their cat? I took their cat. I have their cat in my hotel room.

She's ripped up the blankets. It's I'm incurring a lot of fees, but it was worth it, you know. There's so many weird things about, you know, well, I haven't even gotten to the part. OK, so I faked an orgasm because it was taking a while and I was like, I should probably wrap this up. So I faked an orgasm, you know, she got off and then I went to throw the condom out and everything and I got my clothes. And let me tell you something.

I didn't have my glasses on. It was a very jarring thing of like, you know, OK, I got to go. And, you know, it's kind of dark and I'm crawling around their room like a like a cat trying to pick up my clothes, you know, while they're continuing to fuck, you know, and I gather my clothes and I like go to put them on in the bathroom. And then I realized I left my underwear in the room. So I had already said, like, you know, I'll see you later.

I was like, hey, I go when I'm done, I go, hey, guys, I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to leave you guys. And she goes, they were like, thank you so much. And the guy like reached his hand out for a high five. She's like, I feel like I should fist bump you. And I was like, sure. So I fist bumped at her and I left. Yeah, went to the bathroom to put my clothes on. Realize my underwear, glasses and rings were still in the room.

So I had to re-enter the party that I already left. And I walked in, I go, hey, you guys can keep going. I just forgot a couple of things. So I'm like going and then I just tiptoeing out, you know, like the Grinch and Christmas presents in a house, you know, and I tiptoe out and I go, see in there like, thank you so much. I'm like, hey, when you're in New York, call me, we'll do it again. Like, thanks, this is great.

I was like, OK, bye. And he had the guy's like, are you sure you don't want to hang out? I go, no. And he goes, you need to ride home. I'm like, I'll get an Uber. Thanks, you know, and I just leave. I'm like, what the fuck is my life? You know what you got to do tonight? Go back there and when they're sleeping, walk in and be like,

hey, I forgot something, guys. Here's Johnny. Wow, man. Yeah, it was wild. Well, congratulations to me. That's that's a good sign. I mean, well, I'll tell you, I was I was thank you, man. I appreciate it. I I was feeling kind of a certain way about it, you know,

because this because I told you, you know, I had a lot of work to do and I neglected my work to for pleasure, you know, and I was feeling very much like this plays into my, you know, addiction and my way to distract from things I need to do. And you gave me such a different turn of phrase on a different way to look at it that made me feel better and OK about it. Well, yeah, because, you know, so much a stand up is not just writing. It's living. Yes.

And like if it's anything like that pokes its head up in your life. I think that if you choose writing over that, you basically are abandoning like a like that's a joke. It's clearly you talk about it in your act, too. Yeah, I think it's important to listen to that, but you just have to be careful because sometimes you need to be writing, not fucking. That's the problem. Like that's discernment, learning, which is which. So you don't. But I was telling you, too, I was feeling some type of way.

And then getting down here yesterday in the shower, I told you, I felt so euphoric about being here with you, having such a good time. And then what a gift from the universe last night was given to me. Threesome. Yeah, a lot of threesome. Wild man, you deserve a million threesome. That's three million sums. And you're going to have them, I'm sure, especially now. My sweet listeners, if any of you all kinky people want to like

experiment with hooking up with sweet Ian Fidance, if you meet his expectations. By the way, I saw I saw you were what the fuck, man? You were like you were with a very symmetrical. Yes, very symmetrical person last night, mathematically speaking. She was a square plus B squared. We got to go because we got to get to the show. Yes, I got to take a shower. I stink. Me, too. What a great time. I'm so glad that we're doing this.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah. Thanks for coming back on the show. Sure. Hare Krishna. Thank you. Hare Krishna. A good time starts with a great wardrobe. Next stop, JCPenney. Family get-togethers to fancy occasions, wedding season two. We do it all in style. Dresses, suiting and plenty of color to play with.

Get fixed up with brands like Liz Claiborne, Worthington, Stafford and Jay Farrar. Oh, and thereabouts for kids. Super cute and extra affordable. Check out the latest in store and we're never short on options at JCP.com. All dressed up everywhere to go. JCPenney. Meet the Bedroom Suite by Thuma, the foundation for the perfect staycation.

Time spent at home is the ultimate luxury and Thuma makes it easy to stay in with lifestyle enhancing pieces like the bed, the dresser and the nightstand. To get twenty five dollars towards the bed, go to Thuma.co. That's T-H-U-M-A dot C-O to receive twenty five dollars off your purchase of the bed. Shop the bed at Thuma.co.