Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 373: Brendon Walsh

Episode Date: February 22, 2020

Brendon Walsh, operative 46789 and host of Brendon Walsh's World Record Podcast, joins the DTFH! This episode is brought to you by: Squarespace - Use offer code: DUNCAN to save 10% on your first site. Black Tux - Use offer code: DUNCAN for 10% off your first order. Shudder - Use promo code DUNCAN for a FREE 30 Day Trial.

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like maybe a half a dozen Salamis. Like eight to 12 inches. Oh, OK. We're looking for a specific brand or something, or? More just like the size and the girth, or like the how thick it is or whatever, width. OK, because yeah, because the person that just was just speaking to you has a selection of Salamis here.

But they're all kind of various brands. OK. But they're good for weird insertions. OK, because we have a weird insertion. It seems like there's a few options for you. OK, and the weird insertions, there's five steps that I'm going to play the five steps for you real quick just to make sure it sounds right, OK?

I'm sorry, the what? Five steps. What are the five steps? Here they are. We'll play them for you right now. OK, here. One, one, one. We can have lots of fun.

Step two, there's so much we can do. Step three, it's just you and me. Step four, I can give you more. Step five, don't you know that the time is right. So that was the five steps. OK, I don't quite know what to make of that. Well, it's a weird insertion. Step one, we can have some fun.

We can have lots of fun. And then step two is there's so much we can do. OK. And my wife, step three was. It's just you and me. And then step four. Step four is. I can give you more.

I can give you more. Step five is the time is right. OK. So you think the selection you'll have will be good for those steps? I'm not quite sure how that relates, but. OK, well, we'll come down. Do we need ID to buy the salamis?

No, you should be fine. If we're under 18. You should be OK. OK, well, thanks. We'll see you soon. Stay where step by step. Have a great day. Take care.

Bye, thank you. Step by step. Sorry for that. I mean, how can you not laugh at that dumb fucking song? I mean, I'm just happy he stayed on for the five steps. That, my friends, was the sound of today's guest, Brendan Walsh. And he has started a brand new podcast. He was formerly one of the co-hosts

of the award-winning nationally lauded podcast, The Bone Zone, which was described by The New Yorker as the premier and intellectual podcasting today. He has moved on since then, and he started another mind-bendingly brilliant podcast called The World Record Show, where he interviews mainly quantum physicists who go through their favorite records of atomic particle

distribution. He's with us here today. We're going to jump right into it. But first, a word from our sponsors. This episode of the DTFH has been supported by Squarespace.com. Darlings, it would be easy for me to talk about how incredible Squarespace is. You want to create a website in a matter of minutes

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If you like them, use offer code familyhour and you will get 10% off your first order of a website or a domain. I not only want to thank Squarespace for sponsoring this episode, but wow, those beings of light. I'm so flattered that you've chosen me to be your NippleHook receiver. And nipplehookreceiver.com is available right now.

And if you go to squarespace.com. slash familyhour and use offer code familyhour, you're going to get 10% off that domain or a website. Whatever you choose, you can have with squarespace.com. Thank you, Squarespace. What's up, my fellow CIA agents? Today, we've got Brendan Walsh here with us today. Many of you know that Brendan Walsh,

also known as Operative46789, has been resistant to some of our sublimation mechanisms. And this podcast was yet another attempt to finally get him to bow down to the hoofed one who wanders in the woods so that we can all get back to Project 1865973. I'm sorry to say that this particular episode, we weren't quite able to convert him,

but I think we got close. So even if you're not a CIA agent, if you're somebody who just likes the sound of someone being tranquilized, rolled around in bee stingers and indoctrinated into deep and very subtle vibratory patterns designed to pull them out of the particular node of the simulator that they're trapped in so they could at last finish

their mission as the Manchurian candidate that we always wanted them to be. What I'm saying for all of you who aren't in the particular branch of the CIA that I and most of my listeners are in is that Brendan is a Manchurian candidate and we've been trying to get him to run for president of the United States for the last 15 years,

but he keeps wanting to do podcasting and he wants to be a comedian. And until it lasts, we finally break through whatever residual resistance mechanisms are clogging up his psyche, then unfortunately we're gonna continue to be thwarted by his career as a comedian and a comedic writer, which he's really good at, but he would be a better president.

And once he becomes the president, then at last he could finally bring the apocalypse to this planet and by we, I mean those of us from Saturn will rise again from the subterranean layers of the earth and have a never ending civilization that was born from blood. So if you're into that sort of thing, you're gonna really love this episode of the DTFH,

but if you just like classic comedy, you're gonna love this podcast as well because Brendan has got to be one of the funniest people I've ever met on this planet. That's a joke of course, he's a president, he's supposed to be the president, he's supposed to be the last president. So, friends, here we go.

We're gonna jump right into this podcast. Let me remind you that we've got a wonderful shop located at dugoutrustle.com. A tremendous thank you to my beautiful Patreon subscribers. If you wanna subscribe to the DTFH over at Patreon and get rambling monologues from me and access to our Discord server, head over to Patreon.com, forward slash DTFH.

You'll also get commercial free episodes of the Dugoutrustle Family Hour podcast. Not to keep waving the Patreon flag in the wind, but Brendan has a brand new Patreon where you can listen to amazingly hilarious prank calls like the one you heard at the beginning of this episode along with his new podcast. I will have all the links you need to get to

Brendan's Patreon over at dugoutrustle.com. And now, everyone, please welcome to the DTFH, the great Brendan Walsh. ["Welcome to the Dugoutrustle Family Hour Podcast"] ["Welcome to the Dugoutrustle Family Hour Podcast"] It's the Dugoutrustle Family Hour Podcast. Brendan Walsh, welcome to the Dugoutrustle Family Hour podcast, top podcast in the nation.

It's good to have you on the show. Thanks for having me, Duncan. I can't wait to get into the things I wanna promote here. Let's get into it. Let's start with the promotion. What do you got? Nutrissystem. I'm not officially the spokesperson for Nutrissystem yet.

Nutrissystem, for those of you at home who don't, or in your car or at work, if you don't know what Nutrissystem is, it's a weight loss plan. It's like Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers, I assume. Here, let me just pull this up here. But Nutrissystem's on Twitter. And so I started following them.

I started tweeting them. I'm overweight. I've gained some weight over the past five years or so. I saw you stuff your shirt. I have a, when you gain weight, you start to sweat a little more. So sometimes I will put a towel underneath my shirt. You put a towel that shape like a...

So anyway, I'm trying to get a sponsorship from Nutrissystem. And the way it works is I want them to send me some free shit and I'll eat there. And if you're listening to Nutrissystem, send me some free shit. I'll eat your fucking crap exclusively. And then when I lose some fucking weight, I will tweet about it, fucking do Instagram stories, whatever.

And even if the food tastes like shit, I'll still, I'll say it tastes good. I won't take any photos of myself. I saw you stuff your shirt backstage in the belly room. Yeah, the belly room. There was a show, it was a belly show. You can't do that. That's not okay.

And it's not okay to do this promo bullshit on my show at the very start, man. You told me that I could come on here. Yeah, I didn't tell you to come on here and do your fraudulent fat thing. It's not fraudulent. I am not a spokesperson, but if you're listening to this and you're near,

if you have Twitter, please tweet to Nutrissystem. Tell them to make me their official spokesperson. Or they don't, they don't even have to make me an official spokesperson. I'm happy to do it. Your sister worked for Benicio del Toro and she gave you a fat suit. Yeah, she does work for Benicio del Toro.

Guillermo del Toro. I don't care, whatever. Here's some frequently asked questions about Nutrissystem. What is this? Are there restrictions on who can use- This is what a podcast is. Are there really, are there- What are you doing?

We don't just, don't do ads. This isn't an ad. This is a frequently asked- People want to know about you. Okay, well, here's, okay, people ask me. They say, Brendan, are there restrictions on who can use Nutrissystem to lose weight? And generally I answer them with,

I say people with certain conditions may not use the Nutrissystem weight loss program. These include, but are not limited to people- I have to do ads. People are going to not listen because they're going to turn off. Well, if you're pregnant, allergic to soy- You don't come on a podcast and do ads.

This isn't an ad. This is more of a warning. It's a fucking ad, dude. But this is a warning. Stop, you're doing an ad. But if you want to use Nutrissystem- Do an ad on your podcast. If you're pregnant, you shouldn't do it.

You don't see people going on, what are you doing? My podcast isn't out yet, but it will be out soon. And I will, I guarantee you, I'll talk about Nutrissystems. I will pull your podcast at the very beginning. This isn't an ad. Then listen to my podcast as well. It's called the World Record Podcast. What are you doing?

You're supposed to come on and like do jokes and be funny and shit. You don't just start plugging shit. Well, I figured we'd get the business out of the way up top. All right, we gotta cut to commercial. We say- Hold on, we gotta cut to commercial. The Black Tux believes every groom deserves

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host of your, one of the co-hosts of your mom's house. That's Tom Segora. Segora, I'm trying to talk a lot of people, people do impressions of your voice, right? Sometimes. Well, if this is the way, I'm not gonna do your, I'm not gonna do because- So this is not gonna invade my show.

I'm not invading, I appreciate it. Everybody, if you're listening out there, hey everybody, if you're out there listening, listen to the Duncan Trussell Family Hour podcast because it's a great podcast. They're already listening. I invited you on the show, you start off by hijacking it

with your NutriSystem commercial. I know you're sponsored by them and I know you're- I'm not, that's the- You're a fraudulent fat man. Have you put on a fat suit? No, I'm overweight. And you're doing that to scam NutriSystem and you're gonna get in a lot of trouble for it.

I'm not scamming. I'm not gonna be part of that. See, you don't listen. I'm trying to get free shit from NutriSystem if I can lose some fucking weight. But you're wearing a fat suit. But I'm not, it's real. Okay.

This smells horrible, by the way. If you have a condition requiring a celiac or ketogenic diet, ketogenic- Stop, don't, you can't use NutriSystem. No one's listening. Listen, by now people are like, I'm not gonna listen to- Children under 14 years of age

may not be on the NutriSystem program either. Adolescents age 14 to 17 require a specific meal plan and physician approval. So is there, are kids allowed to listen to your podcast? Allowed? I don't know. I don't know, is there a rating system? There should be.

Oh, great. No, I'm saying in general, don't you agree? You're a father. There should be a rating system for podcasts. Well, they do it for movies, they do it for TV. Okay. So podcast, let's say my daughter or your son logs on to a podcast.

And the podcast is about- Yeah, it's- A-N-A-L-S-E-X. It's a mature podcast. But what if, no, I'm not saying your podcast. What if they log on to a podcast- It's about analysts? No, if one of our children-

If the podcast is about analysts? Logs on to a P-O-D-C-A-S-T and it's about A-N-A-L-S-E-X. Why can't you just say analyst? Do you, are you comfortable with that? I don't know, I wouldn't do a podcast about analysis, it's boring. It's anal sex, is what I spelled.

You know that. Okay, I'm not doing this comedy routine. You had me on here- Let's cut to brass tacks here, man. I did a promo for- Longest human poop ever. Okay, here we go. This is, can I play this on your podcast?

Yeah, I guess, why not? Fuck it. This is a bad idea, man, I fucked up. This is a commercial- Okay, the longest human poop ever recorded was 26. You know, I could add Jimmy Carter's nephew on this week. Did I name the athlete? Hi, this is Brendan Walsh and welcome to my newest podcast,

The World Record Podcast. On this podcast, we talk about world records. We set world records, we break world records, and sometimes we'll even call a salami store. My wife is on the phone. All right, that's enough. Do you have like the big- Cut it off, just cut it off, stop.

I have a podcast, it's not, I do have a Patreon. Hold on, we gotta cut to commercial. Friends, I don't wanna brag, but I was invited to over 39 high-level celebrity parties tonight, where there's gonna be full-on come dips, deep-dip dive downs, lower body,

resuscitation, scrubs, and like basic like orgies, and also complex orgies. Several orgies taking place with an undulating maze is made of trained erotic caterpillar people, but rather than doing that, guess what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna stay home. I'm gonna get stoned, and I'm going to watch a horror movie

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How many? And we're back with Brendan Walsh. So, man, you just had a job working on the, am I allowed to say your last job? Sure. So you just had a job working in the seafood department of Ralph's. What's it like, man?

Do you come home like smelling like fish or? Well, the weird thing is, and I think I might have talked about this before, but I, you know, I have a pet fish. Like a goldfish? At home, yeah. His name's Dave. Cool.

And I come home and I just got done killing fish all day. Yeah. And I, so I, when I- Wait, you guys kill them? I thought they shipped in the dead fish. Well, we chop them up and stuff. But they're already dead. And sometimes we kill, no, sometimes for the sushi,

you have to kill a live fish. What? That's what that's the way we do it. It brings in live fish. What are they coming in? This guy named Jerry. What are they in? Oh, no, wait.

The guy who brings into fish is named Dave. My fish is named Jerry. Sorry. Hold on. Dave brings in like the like bit, like when you have when the goldfish at the fair, like in the garbage bags. Well, no, he doesn't bring in goldfish.

This is for the sushi at the grocery store. Yeah. The guy comes in, he's got a van. It's got the fish in like, you know, those rubber made bins. Oh, sure. You get it at the container store. Yeah, sure.

So they're like bed, bath and beyond. They sell stuff like that too. Or even Ikea, I think has like some clear ones. Maybe they're from Ikea. All right, whatever. So he brings in fish in these. Cause they're, so they're, yeah, they're whatever. Maybe 20 gallon containers.

It doesn't matter. Like you've killed these, you would kill these off? Well, no, he brings them there alive. And there's honestly, they're not, when they're in the containers, there's two, there's a lot of fish in the container. Like they couldn't, it's not like a fish tank with only a few fish swimming around.

They're like stacked. There's a bunch of them in there. But when he gives them to us, he hands them to us one at a time. Why? I don't know. It's just the way it's been since I've been there. So he hands us a fish, hands me a fish.

I hand it to another guy who hands it to Tom, who's the head guy. And then Tom will either kill the fish, like chop its head off, or Terry, who's the other, the assistant manager, he'll hand it off to Terry or, I don't kill the fish personally. Why do they hand the fish off?

He hands them, it's like, did you ever see a fire brigade? Like, you know, back in the olden days, it's like hot potato. They didn't have hoses. So they would have a bunch of people with buckets. So they passed the buckets down the line. So imagine instead of buckets, it's live fish one at a time. Why?

To get it from the van to the seafood department. Why not just bring the bin to the killing area? Because he has to do it, doesn't want to bring them all. It's heavy probably, it's full of water. But you could use a cart. We don't have a cart. And he might have a cart in the van. It's probably some kind of fish code or ordinance or something.

It's a union. It sounds like a union, a fish. Seafood. Seafood union. Wow, cool. Okay, I get it. So whatever, man. So you guys passed the fish down like a fire one at a time.

And then there's a guy. How do you kill them? She cuts their heads off. Mostly some of them they don't. Sometimes the fish like he'll, I guess, what do you call it? Like bludgeon it or something? Cause some sushi, they need to be killed a certain way.

Okay. But yeah, I've heard that. Cause there's adrenochrome. Is that what it's called? Adreno? Adrenochrome? Adrenochrome, yeah. Adrenochrome and the fish.

Right. So if you kill the fish, if you get the fish scared and it dies really stressed out, it releases adrenochrome. I had no idea that's what it came from. Well, they have it in people and there's other animals, I guess. I ordered two ounces of adrenochrome from that Goop website.

How does it, did you take it? I haven't taken it yet. I'm waiting for the next Valentine's Day. So when you're, let me ask you this. You're working at a Ralph's, which is in Hollywood. It's not Ralph's, it's an independent, I shouldn't say the name of the place since you're against like promoting places.

Okay, no problem. But it's not a Ralph's, it's a person. It's a Ralph's, but it's in the Hollywood Hills area. High end. And one of the things I love is you talk about some of the celebrity clients that come in. Will you tell the story of when Tom Cruise came in to order fish when you were there?

Yeah. Well, Tom Cruise, the way, and this, if you live in Hollywood, you get this a lot. Every place that every business like a restaurant or a grocery store, if somebody like Beyonce or Tom Cruise wants to come in, they have their people call ahead. Generally, you have to shut the place down

for a little while. I mean, you don't close like, yeah. Well, they just locked the door and people have to, so nobody else can be in there. You don't have to leave? Well, they start, they let people out, but there shouldn't be anybody, any other customers in there.

And so they generally, and they give you enough time, they call ahead a few hours. Who calls, the celebrity calls themselves? No, they're assistant or somebody. How do you know it's their assistant? Um, I mean, they identify themselves. Yeah, but anybody could call a store and say I'm Tom Cruise's assistant,

I'm coming in to get fish. Well, they could, but then Tom Cruise wouldn't show up an hour later. Yeah, but they would have shut the store down. I'm just saying it's a way that like, chaos people could fuck up every. Okay, well, if you're listening and it's the kind of thing you think would be funny,

don't do that, I guess. Because we do have businesses to run. And if somebody, for example, if they're surviving Beastie Boys, we're gonna come into your shoe store. Yeah. It would be bad for business if some kind of crank, had you shut, just put yourself in their position.

If you shut down your shoe store. I wouldn't do it. I'm just saying it seems like. But if the surviving Beastie Boys were coming in, you would do it. Why do you have to say surviving? You say the Beastie Boys. Well, there's two, there's three Beastie Boys

and one passed away. So what? Well, we're a surviving humans, you know. Well, the two surviving Beastie Boys. Or two surviving people, because we all, you know, there's, humans die, so we don't have to say surviving is just the Beastie Boys.

Well, the two surviving members of the Beastie Boys, I think is a legitimate way to do it. And I did meet them. Oh no, I didn't meet them. Go ahead. You act like they're gladiators. No, I just think that it's acceptable. I mean, that's a good way.

We could call somebody and ask them. I don't want to call anybody. I don't want to do that. I don't want to call somebody and ask if they think the Beastie Boys should be called survivors. The two surviving members of the Beastie Boys, what should they be called? Oh look, there's a survival squirrel outside.

The squirrels have died. Oh my poodle is surviving poodle. There's poodles, it's ridiculous. Well, if yeah, if you had a group of poodles and one or more of them died and then there were some who were still alive. It's called a species. Well, okay.

I'll choose my battles on this podcast. Yeah, don't die on this hill. Yeah. Don't die on this hill, like one of the Beastie Boys. He, I mean, it's not, it's not, if you're gonna start making jokes about, you know, the deceased Beastie Boy, I'm probably gonna walk here.

Just FYI, fair warning. You know, it's just like the alchemy of comedy. Sometimes we try to turn sadness into gold and sometimes it doesn't work. Yeah, like, don't get me started on President Cheeto out there. Oh my God, your new Trump stuff is cracking me up, man. It's so funny.

What is that thing you say on stage where I'm at kills every time? Well, I say, like, okay, if you, I mean, I have a lot of stuff. Is it the, where I'm like, okay. Well, because he's given a state of the union, okay. And it's more like, okay. So maybe before you give a state of the union address,

maybe look in the mirror, make sure you don't still have Cheeto dust on your face from, because I guess you're bobbing for Cheetos. But he does that. And then it's like, okay. Hmm, I've heard of people with dark circles under their eyes, but how does our president have white circles under his eyes? Is it because he gets too much sleep?

Oh my God. Too well rested? Oh, that's so funny. Oh my God. This kind of brings me to the core of what I wanted to talk with you about, which is like, you know, for me, I'm up there, man. Right now I'm doing like my,

like 30% of my material is just math. I'm just doing like what I think are like funny equations, you know, seven plus three minus two. You know, I haven't worked the joke out completely, but it's doing pretty good. You know, eight, you know, because it's a word that like for eating and stuff, but I'm working on it.

And is it a, here, can I maybe give you a, say this is what popped in my head? Yeah, please. I love my job. I could make it a oral sex joke. So it's like, or eating ass, that's popular. I don't do that kind of comedy, but I, but it'd be more clever because you're like,

you know what I did to that ass? I seven plus three minus two. That's what you do an ass like that in people. Cause then you get that nice pause from the audience. I don't know, man. To me, that's not funny. You're like, oh, he ate that ass. It's not my style.

But for you, what I'm really blown away about is like you, it's like very courageous what you do with your president Trump jokes. Because number one, no one's doing it. Like you turn on late night TV, think of the daily show. They won't let you. That's why I'm not on late night hosts. Think of any late night hosts.

When have you seen since Trump was elected anyone? I've seen some like, you know, very low key jabs that they would give it any, you know, Obama would get them and Clinton. Yeah, but I'm saying like, you're up there on stage and you, you're doing like at least like 30 minutes of like just all Trump jokes. Well, I do, yeah.

I mean, in an hour and a half, most of my sets are hour 30, hour 50. And I'll dedicate, I'd say it's 70, like 75%, it's not just Trump. It's the whole political system. No one's talking about politics. That's what I'm saying. It's so fucking edgy, dude.

No one's talking about. And there'll be, if you do come to a live show, 15 minutes out of a two hour set, I'll definitely, there'll be 15 minutes dedicated to the future system because I did make a, I tweeted to them and told them that I would talk about their product on stage. So I do some jokes about, you know,

it's like weight loss jokes, but then I hold up. I have a big pair of pants that are like a 53 inch. You're doing great. Like the podcast is going good. We're getting heavy and deep. We're getting political. It's going deep. You're one of the edgiest comics working today.

Thanks. And you bring it back to your stupid fraudulent attempts to get sponsored by NutriSystem. Just think what you just did. I was talking about my show, my live shows. I'm opening up. You've been doing live shows again. Yeah, I've been doing live shows.

How was that? You were just in Denver. It was great. What was, how many shows did you do? Well, originally we had seven scheduled. Okay. So was this like a Tuesday through Sunday kind of thing? No, it was just a weekend thing.

We had seven shows scheduled. And then because it was like, I guess the temperature dropped or something to like 40 degrees out there. So, you know, people don't like coming into clubs when it's cold. And so we took it down to one show. But the temperature was fine inside the club.

Yeah, but it's getting there, dumbass. So you sold a bunch of tickets for the seven shows. What are you interviewing me? You and me? Well, you know, I'm a big fan of this podcast. And I feel like, you know, I come on here. You're probably not even gonna release this because you're gonna listen back.

You mean to release a fucking NutriSystem telethon? It's not a telethon, but I would do that. Why are you self-destructing? I'm saying you talk, you have people on this podcast and you talk about like quantum physics or whatever. And then I come on, I just mentioned one thing. You start attacking me. I'm not attacking you.

It's just you're doing, do commercials on your podcast. I do, I will. It's not, I don't have a podcast yet, but it's on Patreon. Great. Well, the world record podcast. World record podcast. I'll announce this shit up front.

Okay. You don't have to do this. I will say up front. Listen to Brendan's world record podcast. If you love world records. Everyone loves world records. They do. Okay.

They've been around for, I'm going to say one of the first Guinness book of world record, and this is another thing I started to talk about earlier. Whenever anybody does an impression of me, you know what it sounds like? We're doing impression of me. Impression of you?

Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Exactly. Everybody's like, Duh. Yeah. And after listening to my voice, I do sound like that. I sound really dumb.

Uh-huh. And I'm gonna, I don't know how to work on it because I'm almost 40, almost 30. Read more. Get off the internet. You're always on conspiracy forms. I read a lot. I do.

I go on Reddit conspiracy. Get off these conspiracy forms and get your nose in a book. I do. I read, I read People Magazine. That's not a book, dude. It's based, yeah it is. You know what I'm reading right now?

Charles Dickens. And I'm, I've read it three times in a row. I trail it to cities. Charles Dickens, you know, I'm reading a cookbook. It's called Charles Chickens about how to make chicken. We're gonna cut to commercial. Cut that part out. It wasn't funny.

I feel like we're just like, you know, we're not being natural. Let me just cut. Dude, you've gotta be funnier than this, man. Like you can't do this to me. Well, let's have a real discussion. You know, we're both parents. I need you to do better than this.

You're fucking killing me here, man. You can't do these commercials. You're doing chicken jokes. What are you doing? Okay, the longest human poop ever recorded was 26 feet low. Is there, does it, do they name the athlete? Hi, this is Brendan Walsh and welcome to my newest podcast, The World Record Podcast.

On this podcast, we talk about world records. We set world records. We break world records. And sometimes we'll even call a salami store. My wife is on the phone. She wants a big salami. Do you have like the big ones that are, have like, that are just kind of like big and long or?

We have some that are like that. We have a soprocetta and a battalion that are large size. So could we use it for weird insertions? I guess so. So subscribe to The World Record Podcast only on all things common. And we're back with Brendan Walsh, one of the top political comedians working today.

We are in the middle of a discussion about his edgy comedy. And I just wanna ask you this, man, when you, are you worried about putting yourself in danger with these like hardcore political jokes? Cause, you know, it is not uncommon for comedians to like potentially change the world to take down the system itself. And I see you up there pushing boundaries, pushing limits.

I watched a man come to one of your shows, shit his pants and fall on the ground like screaming, like get, arrest this man, arrest this man. Like trying to have you arrested. You caused him, I don't know what you did. Does that happen to you a lot? Well, I have a team, you know, like social media type, people to get publicity, cause Lenny Bruce,

I don't know if you've ever listened to any Lenny Bruce material. Is that a comic? He is a comedian from the fifties, not funny at all. He was never funny, never said anything funny. But what he did was in the fifties, it was illegal to say like cocksucker on stage. He learned that, went on stage, said cocksucker, hired some news crews to show up

and told the public that he was a comedian. Told the police in advance that he was going to do it. So he got arrested on stage, got a lot of news coverage, then everybody's like, I got to go see this guy. And then they saw him and were like, he's not very funny, but I guess he got arrested for, well, I'm trying, we're trying to, and it's not manufacturing it. Why would you announce that on this show?

Don't you feel like that's going to mess up the effect? Well, because of people here, like I would love to get arrested on stage. That's just hard, because it's pretty much legal to say anything except, except I want to kill the president. That's illegal to say. Yeah. But so far I haven't.

Don't say that on this podcast. I don't really want to kill the president. Don't even say anything close to that. Jesus fucking Christ. I think if you say stuff about Israel too, it's probably not- Stop, Jesus Christ. Dude, you can't fucking do that shit. I mean, you can't do any of that.

What? You got to get with the system, man. Trust me. What system? Are you fucking kidding me? Well, so I can't talk about Israel, like Israel's perfect and the president- Dude, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.

Everything that you're doing right now, it's not going to work for you, man. Trust me, it's no big deal. You're fucking talking about Adrenochrome? Yeah. You got to shut the fuck up about that, man. Why? People want to hear it, like my fans-

Dude, dude, do you fucking, are you- Well, look at my Twitter following, look at my Instagram. You don't need to make a choice, man. It's a simple choice. You got to choose the right way to go here, man. You know what? I'm rooting for you, and I keep telling him

he's going to turn the corner, don't worry. And then you keep doing shit like that. It's just not gonna- I'll stop talking about it on the podcast, but I'm not, you're not going to silence me like- All right, in general, just forget about it. Just three- Just have fun, man.

Okay, bye. Don't you do like life? I'll tell you what, start recording the podcast, you lead me into wherever- Okay. Whatever you want to talk about, and I'll play along. Perfect.

I have a meeting, pitch meeting, very important pitch meeting with in an hour. So you have me for another 40 minutes. Okay, thanks, man. Kurt, can you cut out the last 20 seconds, a minute or whatever the fuck I had to tell this idiot? God, wake the fuck up, man.

And we're back with Brendan Walsh. We're just talking about a fish brigade. Now, we kind of lost track, so you were telling me- Fish store. Fish store, where you work, you were saying that Tom Cruise, Celebrity Tom Cruise came in to get some fish.

Yeah, so the way it usually goes is whenever a celebrity of Tom Cruise's caliber, which there aren't many, there's Ellen. She's great. Beyonce. She's great. Ellen's great, yeah. Beyonce's great.

Beyonce's great. J-Lo even, especially after the half time show recently. I love J-Lo. I love J-Lo. Yeah, I love J-Lo. She's good. It doesn't really get much better than that. That's right.

Tom Hanks. Love him. Speaking of Tom's, Tom's of Maine, anyone? Fuckin' Forrest Tom's, baby. Tom's shoes. I heard those Tom's shoes, you know they have their whole thing

is if you buy a pair of our shoes, we give a pair to poor people. I heard that whole thing is messed up, like they have warehouses of shoes that nobody's getting. Fucking dammit, dude. Hold on, we're gonna cut to commercial. Just follow my lead.

It's so simple, man. This is your chance. Well, Tom Cruise, Tom's shoes. It's an honest kind of, listen, the way my brain works is. You just gotta get in line, man. Just get in line. Okay, well, I can't stop free associating

because then you're. Just follow my lead. And we're back. Tom Cruise came into the grocery store. Tom Cruise came into the grocery store to order food. Calls ahead. His people call ahead.

He'll have a, I assume it's like an agent or a, I mean, I'd say a bodyguard, maybe. I don't know. He's not very, he does have bodyguards. So Tom Cruise, his people call ahead. We get everybody out of the store, put a sign up, sometimes maybe like be back in 30 minutes. And then Tom Cruise will come in with,

sometimes with his kids. Love his films. They're good. He has a new, we did that one movie, Eyes Wide Shut. And also lots of other movies too that were really good. Mission Impossible. Mission Impossible is fantastic.

I love the Mission Impossible franchise. Is that the last movie? Never saw Eyes Wide Shut. Did you see it? I did. And it's one of Kubrick's. No. Did you see it?

You must be thinking about something else. Then Eyes Wide Shut. Is that what it's called? Yeah. It's like about the Illuminati kind of. Did you see it really? I wouldn't watch a stupid movie like that. Did you watch a stupid movie like that?

I did watch it and I thought it was like a good statement about like static cults. Kind of like that control of the world. Listen man, every single time I try to do a fucking podcast with you, you try to do this. I'm not doing anything. This bullshit. I'll start Kirk.

Is it Kirk or Kurt that you're going? I'll handle the sound and stuff. Listen. Oh yeah, dude. If my name was Kurt, I would answer to Kirk or Kurt. Tell the fish story. It's scripted right there and fucking funny, man. Algorithms have shown this is going to be great on Insta.

It's going to be great for you. Just do the fucking fish story. Okay. Why do you have to talk about the fucking Illuminati? I'm not talking about the Illuminati. You brought up Tom Cruise movies. Eyes Wide Shut. Just forget about it.

Isn't that about the Illuminati or something though? He made a mistake and he's paid for that shit. Well, that's why they keep him. Kubrick. Yeah. Trust. It's not why they fucking killed him. And here's another thing before we start recording again.

Just let it roll. Hold on a second. This is pretty big. Yeah. This is a big one and this is recent. Okay. Now this is something that was not in the mainstream news. Yeah.

This just happened in December. Okay, December 6th, 2019. Winston Lawson. Is that name ring a bell to you? Winston Lawson. Secret service agent with John F. Kennedy in Dallas dies. So you're telling me the last guy, they finally got the last guy to keep his mouth shut.

Like he was probably playing ball for the last 50 years and then for whatever reason, I don't know if it's our own government or if it's the mafia, but they killed. And here's the worst part. They killed Winston Lawson, who had been a Secret Service agent for four years, went on November 22nd, 1963.

He was in an unmarked police car in Dallas just ahead of President John F. Kennedy's open limousine when he got shot. And the worst part is Winston Lawson, who was murdered in December, he was 91. So he definitely had grandkids. He was like, probably. Maybe he was literally murdered.

There's proof he was murdered. Well, I mean, come on. But you know he was murdered. Or did he just, he's a 91-year-old man. Okay. Was he murdered by time? Why would they wait that long to kill him? Hey, Kurt, just remember to cut all this out.

We'll get back to the fish story as soon as he gets this shit out of his system. I mean, wake up. Like he... So a 91-year-old man dies and you say it was murdered. Was it murdered by? The CIA? Alzheimer's?

Was he murdered by Alzheimer's disease? Let's see. Why would the CIA murder him? Because he probably knew that it was a setup that Kennedy was killed by the CIA. But he was 91. Why would they wait that long? Mr. Lawson's death, which was not widely reported

at the time, was caught, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. His son, Jeff, said Mr. Lawson is also survived by his wife, who's still alive. So that's they killed a man. But wait, I'm just trying to get clear on this. Four grandchildren. Someone in the CIA is like, hey, Lawson, he knows that Kennedy got assassinated.

We better take him out. And then whoever they assigned it to is like, oh, I'll do it tomorrow. Well, he probably, a lot of these guys just kept putting it off for 91 years. He probably retired and obviously somebody pays you a visit. They tell you to keep your mouth shut. And he's been playing ball for the better part of 50-plus years.

I think he was about to leak it. I think he probably was like, you know what? I'm getting up there in years. I can't keep this secret anymore. The CIA with Lyndon Johnson killed President Kennedy. I'm gonna come out and do a tell-all. Isn't it just accepted by now that JFK was assassinated by the CIA?

Isn't that kind of public data? Well, I don't, let me, I mean, if you're paying attention, yeah. Let me ask you this. And I really mean this, man. You, let's imagine this. Coronary artery disease. So that's probably like they have that gun.

A mashed potato gun. No, it's a gun that shoots like it can cause heart attacks and stuff. What are they fucking shooting full of pork rinds? Come on. This is where, you know what, man? To me, Kurt, just let it roll. To me, this is where you're,

the type of conspiracy theories you are, the things you believe in are actually to me, I think, less scary than the reality of the situation. Which is that you literally, someone could walk out and show a video in the middle of the Super Bowl of Lyndon Johnson having a meeting with Lizards. And the Lizards telling him,

we gotta take out fucking Kennedy. And Lyndon Johnson just like, while he's getting just ass fucked by a goat. And Lyndon Johnson saying, yeah, let's do it. I'll do whatever you guys want. Okay, so they're gonna show a video of this during the Super Bowl? No, listen, my point is this.

They could show that during the Super Bowl. And there would be like for a moment, outreach, they're like, it'd be all over for a second. Like, what the fuck was that video? And then do you know what happened? They would say, oh, that was some kind of deep fake. And then do you know what happened? Nothing, nothing.

Well, they do another 11 maybe. What? Distract everybody with another 11. I don't think, your problem is you think they've gotta do these things. They don't have to, there's nothing anyone has to do. There's nothing anyone has to do. The reality of it is, I mean, if you, from my perspective,

you know, and it's on one level, I guess you could say it's quite cynical, is that on one level, we human beings are a type of herd and we're being herded. And by now, we're so many generations into being herd animals that there is no longer the necessary. Could I interject with a joke? That would be a good name for if you do an album about

like herd mentality or whatever. You could call it, I heard that. Heard it through the grapevine. Or I heard it through the grapevine. Yeah, but you spell herd, you don't like that. No, but you know what I'm saying, man? To me, this is like the, this is where... And just so you know, people listening at home

or in their cars at work. No one's gonna hear this or cutting the whole thing. Well, but you said, you Duncan, just this is just podcast etiquette one-on-one. When you have a guest on your podcast, don't say boo and give him a thumbs down, which you can't even see. Boo, this is, to me, this is where

we differ as conspiracy theorists, is you think... I'm not a conspiracy theorist, that's the difference. You're, to me, your estimation of what is necessary to confuse society is far greater than what is actually... You don't need to do a September 11th. You don't need to do a fucking this or a fucking that. You don't need to do anything.

What you need to do is like, get them two... All you need is like two generations where they think eating like five cheeseburgers a week makes sense, slow them down, get their metabolism nice and slow, and then like, it doesn't matter. And also like, defund education, make them dumber. Well, yeah, you don't even have to defund.

Over 30 years. Just get them on their phones, get them nice and slow down, and then get them nice and comfortable, and then just kind of milk them. And that's all you gotta do. You don't need to do any of this shit that people like you think they're doing. You know, I don't really think you need to do.

Sadly, I don't think you need to do that. I think you can just kind of like, at this point, the machine's running itself. You can just sit back and milk the herd for whatever the fuck it is that they're milking them for. All right, Kurt, we're gonna come back. I heard that. That'd be good.

Hey, Kurt, did you herd me? Let's get the podcast going again. Hey, Kurt, herd. Is it Kurt or herd? But for real, man, let's just do an actual podcast. This kind of stuff we just did, it doesn't need to be out there. Let's just jump back into the fish store.

So Tom Cruise, wait, hold on, I didn't say we're back. And we're back. So Tom Cruise comes into the fish store. Well, it's a supermarket. It has everything. He came in with his kids. What are his kids' names? Doesn't matter.

It does actually probably matter to them. Nobody cares. I mean, like, they just wanna hear the story. He has that one kid, Suri, I think her name is that he has with Katie Holmes, but she wasn't there. It was the other ones that he adopted, I think. Cool.

Great. Children three. Who cares? Okay. So he came in, but it's- He comes into the fish store. This is a really funny story. We scripted the whole fucking thing out for you, man.

No, Tom Cruise is a Scientologist too. Just looking it up on- Fucking, damn it. I'm not gonna get in- Are you fucking kidding me, man? 57 years old. He looks good. We're gonna cut to commercial-

So Tom Cruise- And we're back. His kids' Tom Cruise kids' names. Okay, so he's there. It's like his son is, I think he's black. Connor Cruise. Great. And then Isabella Jane Cruise.

These are adopted kids that he has from, he was married to Nicole Kidman for a long time. That's, they adopted those kids, but then Suri Cruise is- Who cares? Tell the story about the thing. The fish. He comes in to get the fish.

The store gets shut down. He comes in to get the fish. We shut the, we close the store down. We don't like officially close it down. We don't turn off the free, that's good. See? That's where- That's comedy.

So let's see if we can combine the two. If you're listening, aspiring comedian, this is how your brain should work. Heard mentality and officially, the official, that's, if I was to put an album out about this story, it would be called the official story. And I would spell it like an Irish last name. O, postrophe, F-I-S-H.

And then O fish, shell maybe? Cause it would keep with the beach theme. Yeah. I officially think you're hilarious. Thanks, man. No problem. I heard through the- That's not gonna work,

cause that thing won't work. But I heard from a group of people, I heard that you're funny too. Thank you. Thanks. That's great. I don't know why you're using that. I heard that.

Why you're saying heard, because we're not gonna do that thing. We're just gonna do a funny podcast, man. So this is starting from the beginning right now. What? We're starting right now. Like everything else is cut out? I don't know, man.

It's gonna take three hours. God damn it. We're gonna cut to commercial. Walls. A big thanks to Raytheon for sponsoring this episode of the DTFH. Raytheon, it's one of America's top defense companies. They're out there working super hard

to keep America safe. Right now, if you go to Raytheon.com and you wanna order, if you have the appropriate licenses and security clearances, you wanna order their new X-Class Hornet Ballistic Drone, use offer code DTFH to get 30% off. This ballistic drone is so advanced,

it can single out people, not just based on size, but on age as well. Raytheon, defending America. And we're back with comedian Brendan Walsh. I know the guy who owns Raytheon. He's friends with my dad. My dad owns Exxon.

You knew that. Yeah, of course. Which is also that's helpful if you wanna have a comedy career. Not that I've had anything handed to me, but I've had kind of, I guess you would call it an unlimited supply of cash. Yeah.

From, it's not mine, it's my dad's. That's why we're friends. Yeah. Oh yeah, you inherited all that money. Yep. It's funny because we, and we get along fine, but generally we look down,

like people that come from, cause my dad owns Exxon. His dad owned, I guess he owned Exxon for a while too. But we've been like generationally wealthy and you inherited it. Yep. So you're kind of.

Yeah, but I work for that shit, baby. I didn't just inherit. Like I had to like do beach trips and stuff. Yeah. So I got sidetracked. Yeah, the fish store. You go, Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise is sun conner.

But now that you're admitting you fucking inherited money and you're outing me for being an inheritor. I'm not out. No, you inherited a lot of money though. I've had, and this is where it comes in if you wanna pursue the arts. Hold on. When I work at Ralph's too.

So I do get a day job, but that's for material. Yeah, okay. And by now they know you don't work at Ralph's. Tom Cruise, I used to. Fuck it, let's just, you know what? Let's just talk. We won't put the podcast up.

Fuck it. I'm so sick of this shit. So the Tom Cruise story, we're done with, we're not gonna do it. Every time I try to give you a chance to break into the mainstream, you come in, you talk about every single secret. Well, I wrote down some things to talk about.

I just wanna do a regular podcast with you, man. Here's an interesting thing. I know I won't talk about new system anymore. I do wanna lose the weight, but if new system does wanna send me free shit. Forget it, I'm not doing this part. I'm not putting it up. So here's something, you hear of plus-sized models, right?

Plus-sized models, you've heard of those, right? Remember when Dick Cheney sucked your dick at the Bohemian Grove? We don't talk about anything that happens at the Bohemian Grove. Does that feel good? How do you like that? How about the time I took the tram to Dick Cheney's camp

and the tram door open and he was slurping on your penis? There's no, I mean, really what the Bohemian Grove is, just like kind of a getaway for- I'm just curious about that. And I'm not even in the Bohemian Grove. I can go because of my dad. That's interesting. Well, I can go because of my dad

and actually it's beautiful up there. How about we talk about your tramp stamp? You wanna talk about that? Why do you have an owl right above your butt? Cause I like the Tixie Pops. Okay, so really? So that's why you have the Owl God Moloch. You wanna do it?

Let's do it. Fuck it. You wanna do all the secrets? Let's do all the secrets. I saw you getting gang bang by Dick Cheney. We don't talk about that though. Condoleezza Rice was face-sitting you and smothering you. What is this, the 90s again all of a sudden?

Yeah, and Pearl Jam was playing in the background or something. Okay. And now he's changing the subject. So there's plus-sized models, right? Remind me not to put this up. And you hear, and this is why, this is where I get like all this women's lib stuff.

This is why I think women's lib is a little hypocritical. Sure. Cause you're familiar with women's lib. Hey, what's in your pocket right now? Like how much cash? No, not the cash. I'm just curious what that interesting vial labeled adrenochrome in your pocket is.

Well, I told you, we can get it from fish. We get it from mammals. Fish, sure. Fish, mammals. I don't think reptiles produce it. Okay. But here's the thing. This is some of the hypocrisy from the women's movement

that I would like to point out is there's plus-sized models for women. I told you, you come to my podcast. We're gonna do the comedian thing. We're gonna do something fun. Getting into a bit. We're gonna do some funny, absurd shit. Well, it's not a bit cause it's a real alteration.

Well, there's already, it's too much to edit out, man. I wrote the goddamn fish store joke for you. You started pulling it off and then the next thing you know you didn't. You do it then. What? Oh, let's switch the tables. I don't wanna do it anymore.

So let me get this straight. Tom Cruise bought a fish from you. He cares, it doesn't matter anymore. And there's a long line of... The whole thing is activating people. Are you kidding me? The whole fish store story is supposed to activate operatives. Dumb, dumb.

And you knew that. So that's why you do this shit. That's why there's... You hear this shit and it goes. What do you think we're doing here? We're about to do Project Fucking Bluebeam. We're about to open up the entire motherfucking world so that we no longer have to hide in the shadows.

I try to get you yet another chance to fucking do a podcast where you don't out yourself a moment of redemption. You're fucking talking about what happened to Stanley fucking Kubrick. Are you crazy? I need you to... I'm the JFK Winston Lawson.

Remember that name. Oh my God. You're going to talk about Lawson. And also, I don't want to get into it, but NutriSystem, if you pay for it, is $10.36 a day for a personal plan. I'm just going to do the fish store story. So that winds up being like...

Listen, Kurt, cut all this shit out. I'm going to do the fish store story. Will you let me do the story? It's 10.36 a day. I have to do the... Brendan, I got to do this shit. If I don't... Well, this is why...

Okay, so check this out. And this is why I want the system to send me shit for free. 10.36 a day. You know what the four weeks of that cost? What? $289.99. That's a month.

Yes. I don't think... And then there's... Oh, free shipping. Yeah. So, I mean, that's... They give you a deal because they say it's $5.27, $25 a month.

And then that's crossed out. It says $289.99. So maybe they're running a special... Right. But my point is just send it to me for free and then you'll get more people to eat your fucking crap. When I'm posting pictures of myself,

when I'm all fat like a fucking whale. You put on hats. And because I have no fucking self-control. And I eat like a goddamn pig. I just have to do this. Sorry, man. I got to play this. Nuts for the activation or something.

Yeah. I don't even know why you're... Why don't we just go... Go back. Why are you even out here, man? If you're not gonna do the... Do the dance. Why did you even move out here?

Me? You got all the money in the fucking world. You talking to me? You got all the money in the fucking world. You talking to me? Yeah, I'm talking to you. You got all the money in the world. You do the...

Just don't talk about this shit publicly. You're gonna fuck everyone, man. I'm not talking to you. I'm listening. Let me... We're about to leave. We're about to leave. We're about to fucking open the whole thing up.

Okay. You're the one talking about Bohemian growth. Yeah, I was getting cut. Well, yeah. I'm not gonna even put it in there, but you're the one who's like, oh, I'm a conspiracy person. I'm not a conspiracy person.

I saw Dick Cheney sucking your dick. So why? I saw... Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face, too. You remember that? Yeah. And also, Dick Cheney did 9-11. And also, what else did Dick Cheney do?

Was one of the engineers of 9-11. Dick Cheney. I'll tell you what's not 9-11. It's the size of your cock. Yeah. Well, nobody has like a 9-inch cock. Yeah. Especially not you.

Yeah. No, I don't. It's a perfectly average 5.1-inch penis. I came out of that fucking tram. And what do I see? Well, you're talking about, like, getting in trouble. Turn that shit off. If you...

I gotta do it. If you want to get in trouble, though, keep talking about Bohemian growth. That's... I mean, I could talk about 9-11 all I want. Nobody's gonna do shit or JFK. But you talk about Bohemian growth. You're gonna get in trouble.

You're gonna get in trouble. You're gonna get in trouble. You're gonna get in trouble. You're gonna get in trouble. I could talk about 9-11 all I want. Nobody's gonna do shit or JFK. But you talk about Bohemian growth. You're gonna get...

Somebody's gonna knock on your door. Yes, so what? I'm not... I'm not gonna upload any of this. Well, we'll see what you say when that happens. I won't upload it. Um... Hold on.

Let me finish this up. I was in that tea that I drank. So, you're working at a fish store. Yeah. I'll just tell the story. Brendan used to work at a fish store. They used to pass... Oh, a supermarket in the fish seafood department.

Yeah. That fish supermarket in the seafood department. And that's also why I'm overweight, because I see food and I eat it. I'm on the seafood diet. Or I messed it up. Actually, I'm on the seafood. I'm not on NutriSystem yet, but I am on the seafood diet. The way that works is when I see food, I eat it.

Six plus four is ten, minus two is eight. And Brendan was at the fish store, and they were passing fish to each other, bucket brigade style. One fish at a time. Bucket brigade style, one fish at a time. Yeah. At the end of the bucket brigade, there was a man whose name was... Jerry. Jerry, whose job it was...

Or Dave. I'm sorry, my fish's name is Jerry. The guy's name is Dave. Thank you. Yeah. His job it was to what? Kill the fish. Kill the fish.

And he would kill the fish for sushi. Yeah. They called it, and they had this shut down the store, so that Tom Cruise could come in. Well, we close it for, yeah. Right. We get everybody out. Tom Cruise and his kids, Connor and Isabella came in. Do you want some more water?

No, I feel a little weird. I have a little bit more. Just have a little bit more. Okay. Go ahead, Kurt. Roll it. Great. Isn't that good?

It is good. Is there electrolytes in that or something? Yep. Tom Cruise, Connor Cruise, Isabella Jane Cruise, his daughter, came in and ordered... Real nice. He was real nice. And they ordered the fish? Well, they went through the...

What isle number? They picked up some other stuff. The isle? Fish isle? Eleven. Eleven. Yeah. And how many steps did they take down isle eleven?

Well, let's see. I mean, from the door to... It's in the neighborhood between six and seven hundred, somewhere in the middle. Yeah. Maybe a little more than six hundred and fifty. They took six hundred and sixty steps to the fish. Maybe. And they ordered the fish.

I never counted it. It doesn't matter. They ordered the fish. Yeah. Okay. And some of the sushi, it depends on how you kill the fish, because if you get the fish really scared, it produces this thing called Adreno Crow. God damn it.

Well, that's what Tom Cruise wanted. Do I leave that what he ordered out? Dardum. Just dardum. This episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by VLM Information Routing Technologies. VLM, subscriber-based, client-centered, information-focused account, guaranteed to give you the statistics on whichever demographic you're most interested in watching, if you want to analyze your demo market.

There's good targeted ads. They do have the best targeted ads. That's right. They do, my friend. People say that they're like, they say their phone is listening to them. It's not, because people will say, they're like, oh, I was talking about sunglasses and then all of a sudden Instagram. That's just an effect of the mind.

Right. It's like, and these ads, they don't have to listen to you. They know, you know, like for example, they know you live in Los Angeles. They know that California's sunny. They know you probably wear sunglasses. Anybody likes the sun. The point is this, it's a great time to be alive, man. And I'll tell you this, it's a great time to be friends with you and it's so nice to

see you. You seem like you're doing much better. You've got a sparkle in your eye and I just, I would love to hear you finish up that amazing story about the time Tom Cruise- The Tom Cruise story? Yeah. So he comes in, well, here's what, we close the store down, right, first. The manager gets a call from one of his agents or handlers and a handler.

That's funny. Chelsea Handler? No, she didn't call. She's great. One of his, she is good. Did you ever see she's got that thing, one of her specials is called like not gonna do it or no, you gone to be kidding me. Yeah.

Very funny. I hope they bring back Chelsea lately. Which is kind of the you gone to be kidding me title is kind of like our herd mentality or I heard it through the grapevine. And also, what was the other one we said, oh, officially. So this is my official, no, Kurt, don't, my official Tom Cruise story. Dart him now. Dart him now.

Get out the electric shock. Get out the electric shock. And we're back with Brendan Walsh, hilarious comedian. So we were just talking about this hilarious fish store story. Remember? Yeah. I work at a, I used to work at a grocery store in the seafood department and celebrities would shop there a lot.

And when they would, before the celebrities would come, if they were like an Ellen DeGeneres, Beyonce or Tom Cruise level, they're, they're fun. I love them. People would call in and they would, they call ahead so we could get everybody out of the store. So there's no lucky lose or TMZ or anything. Great. And one time in particular, Tom Cruise was having a party and he wanted some sushi.

This regular sushi, there's no special way. There would be a delivery, a delivery service, this guy, Terry, Terry, he had a van. He had buckets, not buckets, but more like, do you ever go to the container store or bed bath and beyond? They have those like bins with lids and they'd be full of water, maybe 20, 30 gallon, no, maybe 20. So how big the bins were, maybe like three feet, 20, 30, 20, 30, 20, 30, doesn't matter. And then the fish.

So they'd be chock full of fish. We'd all get in a line. There's 11 employees in the seafood department. Yep. There'd be a guy, you want to be two feet, two feet, seven inches, 27, two. Two feet, seven inches. Two seven. Yeah.

Two feet, seven inches apart from each other. How many steps did Tom, how many steps do you think it would take to go from the beginning of the store? Between 665 to 267, somewhere in the, or no, I mean, 665, Terry, no, it's okay. It's, it took somewhere between 665 and 667 steps into the store to the seafood counter. We would stand 2.2 feet, seven inches, 20, remember the number 27. Who killed the fish? That would be Jerry, or no, Dave, my fish, his name, Jerry.

Right. Dave killed the fish. Dave would kill the fish. He would chop them up and it's sushi grade. What would Dave do? He would cut their heads off and then he would slice them up the middle and remove their, remove the insides and taste. But what would tell me again what Dave would do to the fish?

He would cut the heads off the fish. Why? Why did Dave kill the fish? For the sushi. For who was coming to get the fish? Tom Cruise. So Dave did what? He killed the fish for Tom Cruise.

Okay, Brendan, thank you so much for coming back on the show. That's Brendan Walsh, everybody. He's got a new podcast coming out called the World Record Podcast. It's going to be super funny and I guarantee you this, super successful because you just did a fantastic job on the DTFH. Brendan, where can people find you? On Twitter and Facebook, I'm also, I'm on the board of directors for, no. My dad owns Exxon.

All right. That's great. We'll cut that out. Go ahead and just drug him up. If you want, we're doing some spirit cooking later. Okay, that's it. Duncan, if you wanted to come to our spirit cooking, bring a chicken. Great job.

Just get him out of here. Bring a chicken. Just get him out of here. That's Brendan Walsh, everybody. It cuts its finger. Go. JCPenney.