Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 374: Ashley Matthews

Episode Date: February 29, 2020

Ashley Matthews, adult actress, brilliant chef, and amazing human being joins the DTFH! This episode is brought to you by: BLUECHEW - Use offer code: DUNCAN at checkout and get your first shipment FREE with just $5 shipping. Feals - Visit feals.com/duncan and get 50% off and FREE shipping on your first order.

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listening to the Dunk of Trussell Family Hour podcast. If you're new to the podcast, this podcast is being recorded on 50 acres of beautiful farmland in Omaha. That's where the DTFH collective lives. I'm just the mouthpiece for the collective. And I feel lucky that I've got this job. But certainly, if it were just me, we'd have not much. The podcast requires all kinds of things to function.

For example, I have to have several psychoactive ointments rubbed into my perineum, my nipples, and my lower nape just so that I could do these openings. Without the ointments, I'm basically a slobbering mass of nothingness. I just collapse like one of those air mattresses, just kind of deflating down. So every morning, Frater Josiah wakes me up,

and he rubs psychoactive lotions and ointments that have been extracted from forest toads, Monarch butterflies, Coranian beetles, dog mantises, and a little bit of fern undulates into my perineum and into my nape and into my nips. And then I slowly come to, I wake up, they pull me out of my sleeping vat, and then they place me in an electronic scooter, also known as a Badger scooter.

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which are mounted on either side. I don't use them except for hunting. But I think you know what I'm saying. Anyway, we have got a fantastic podcast for you today. Ashley Matthews is here with us today. You probably know her as Riley Reed, an adult film star. I think she's got to be the top of the charts, like the top adult film star working today.

And I've been a fan for a while, but that is not the only reason that I invited her on the show. The reason I invited her on the show is because a few years ago, I was lucky enough to meet her at a boat party at Comic-Con. And we had a great conversation. And then she followed me on Twitter, which is like, oh, shit, that's cool.

That's whoa, cool. And then I sent her a DM and asked if she would come on the show. And I was amazed when she said yes, from cooking to eating dogs to atheism, we covered all in this episode of the DTFH with Ashley Matthews. We're going to jump right into it. But first, some quick business.

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Don't get taken to the altar of sacrifice. Dear friends, we have a wonderful shop located at DuncanTrussell.com with a lot of incredible gifts for you to reward your dearest friends and lovers. Check it out. It's at DuncanTrussell.com. Just click on the shop link. If you love our podcast, won't you

please subscribe to us. And if you want to go deeper, head over to patreon.com. Ford slash DTFH and subscribe. You're going to get commercial free episodes of the DTFH and at least one hour long ramble for me over there, along with some other stuff. Who knows what's going to land over at Patreon. But support us by subscribing.

That's patreon.com. Ford slash DTFH. All right, let's get this thing going. Today's guest, you probably know her as Riley Reed. Her real name is Ashley Matthews. She's one of the top adult film stars working today. She's also a brilliant chef and an amazing human being. I think you're going to love this conversation.

So please now everybody, send out those rainbow colored beams of undulating cosmic soul light into the great ether that connects all of us. And let them rain down on today's wonderful guest. Welcome to the DTFH, Ashley Matthews. It's the Duncan Trussell film. Ashley, welcome to the DTFH. Hi.

Thank you so much for doing this. It's so cool that you're giving me any of your time. You got to be really busy, huh? A little busy, but thank you. I appreciate you also sharing your time. So thank you. Thank you. We were just having a great discussion regarding prior

to recording, which often happens at the podcast, unfortunately, where we are just starting to talk a little bit about the occult magic Alistair Crowley, who you have, I guess you haven't heard of much. No, but I'm very curious to learn more about him. Well, maybe that's a different podcast where I get to teach you about Crowley. But I am curious if you have, and I don't mean to like,

it's the worst when someone asks you to put yourself in a box, especially when it comes to sort of spirituality or do you have a particular, like when you think about your standing in the universe, do you have a, like sometimes I think, am I a Buddhist? I think I am. Am I a Satanist? I don't know.

I know some pretty cool Satanists. You don't have to be like, I don't know. But do you ever like ponder to yourself, what the heck am I? Yeah, there are times. I don't know if you know Sam Harris. I really love Sam Harris. And so I think in my more recent years, I've started to adapt myself or call myself an atheist a bit

more. I know a lot of people are really into this concept of us being like in a simulation, which I don't know if I'm totally in that idea. And I don't know about the whole higher power thing. And I don't know about the bang theory, the big bang theory or anything. But yeah, I kind of think, I forget who it was,

but like I kind of just think we're all like a frequency to some extent. And I think there's like 14 frequencies. And we're just one of them. And when we die, we become a new frequency. Are you talking about Tim Leary's circuits of consciousness model? Maybe.

I don't really know. It's something like that. It's like Tim Leary. He was the great Tim Leary. Yeah. And he had some model of consciousness, which is this idea that humans evolve through these levels of consciousness, that one of the levels

can't even happen until you're in zero gravity. Like it's sort of the way locusts are just fucked up grasshoppers. Like when grasshoppers overpopulate, they mutate. So Tim Leary was saying that humans, when they go into space, are going to mutate in a specific way that's going to evolve us to like whatever the next thing is

we're going to be. Interesting. Yeah. So circuits of consciousness, atheism, which of all the things right now to say that you are, that is not in fashion. When people, it used to be, like atheism went through like a cool period.

And now if you're an atheist, people are like, oh, really? An atheist? They get beat up all day long, not literally. But do you ever get that from people? Like, do you ever get judged for your lack of belief? Yeah, definitely. Because I think also most people are into saying that they're spiritual to some extent.

And I don't even know if they know what that means. They just believe in like mother nature-esque. But I don't like I have it like in my Twitter bio, atheist, porn star, animal lover type of a thing. And so many of the comments on Twitter will be like, oh, why are you atheists? Like, blah, blah, like attacking me and whatnot. But nonetheless, it hasn't been like a grotesque experience

for me. Right. People seem to be pretty, I don't know, maybe people just look past it or. Sure. I mean, you know, who knows? Either way, that's the, I'm really into this philosopher named Robert Anton Wilson

and his advice, which is maintain agnosticism. The reality is you can't know. We don't know. I mean, you know. It's true. We have no fucking clue. No clue. So why am I going to believe in something

that I don't even know if exists or not? That's right. Yeah. I mean, and also there's so many like Buddhists, you could be a Buddhist atheist, no problem. You could be a Jewish atheist. It doesn't keep you out of a few clubs. Some clubs you're not allowed to be in

unless you believe in a higher power. But I'm not an atheist. When I was a kid, I was, but then I just, I can't, I don't know. I just don't seem to be able to like, make sense of the whole thing enough to be like, well, this is just an accident. No, I mean, I certainly know there's people

smarter than me, you know? Yeah. I think it's just hard to like grasp the idea of something. And when there are just so many of them, it's kind of like, I don't know, just be a good person. And that's it. Yeah. You know, it's really a noise atheist.

And I agree with it. This annoyance is people who say, well, how can you be a good person if you don't believe in God? Well, that is stupid. It's so dumb. Cause God doesn't keep you from being, you should just be a good person.

I love like mankind and humans and like, like real life interaction. So I want to just enjoy my present moments. So that's kind of like me, it's just like, be present in what's right now. Don't live for your death. I like, there's like this one, Alan Watts, life is a journey or something like that,

like little lecture. And he's like, talks about how so many people live to, for their afterlife and nobody's living for their current life. Yeah. Yeah. I think about that all the time. Like, you know, should I be transported

to the realm of the gods? How long before I'm miserable again? You know, it's like a millennia, a few hours. Like eventually you're gonna be complaining, right? And eventually it's just not gonna seem that special to you. So this is, I think is, you know, one of the great dreams is that, you know, upon extinction of the physical body,

you get transported to some paradise realm where you're happy forever. Yeah, but I feel like that's just an idea for mankind to just relax on the fact that death is coming. So why, everyone's scared of death. So you have to think of some sort of like way to ease the pain instead of just accepting

that death is just death and who the fuck knows. Are you, you're not scared of death? Not really. I'm only scared of pain. I don't want to experience pain while dying, but everything dies. So we just have to accept it. Right.

I also, I think I'm grateful for the life that I lived, so I'm not afraid of death because I'm happy. Right. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm afraid of death. Like I went through a few months ago, a really obnoxious phase of being like,

I'm not afraid of death. And then I thought, well, somebody's trying to kill me. Well, that's it. You're afraid of pain. No, I'm afraid of death. Really? Like for sure, if someone came and said, listen, I can kill you or like punch you in the face.

It's punch me in the face. I guess that's a dumb example. My point is, yeah, the pain is- Nobody wants pain. I don't want any pain. But also like if there was a moment where something was trying to kill me, I would be terrified, not of the pain of the death of the die.

I'd be scared of what happens to my baby or my wife or all these thoughts, you know, would come through my mind. But I don't, I'm not neurotically afraid of death. I used to be neurotically afraid of death. I know a lot of people are neurotically afraid of death and it's kind of sad. Yeah. They just like are so obsessed

with the possibility of dying and it's like you're not living right now. Right. Now that's a powerful choice for a person to make though, isn't it? Like to decide you're gonna start living means that you kind of have to go off the map, right? Yeah.

Like you went off the map. You went way off the map. Maybe. I think so. I think your profession, one would say, is spectacularly off the map. There's not, you can't tell anyone your job without there being a pause, a moment of,

except fellow adult film actors. So it's off the map in the sense there's not a lot of, you know, if like I want to be this or that, I can probably find a precedent for it. Like volumes and volumes and volumes of the troubles of being a psychologist, which you studied in school. You know, volumes and volumes and volumes on the troubles

of being a healthcare worker or even accountant, whatever. But you're in a pretty tiny club, you know, relative to other businesses out there. Meaning that you are off the map as far as I could tell. Your experiences are, I would say, non-standard. You know? I agree. You've got this glimpse into a specific bubble

of like what it's like to be free at that level, sexually. But then also what it's like to be constantly, like it's kind of like an outsider's job. Yeah, it is, I agree with you. Yeah, but that's a decision to live. And a lot of people would say that ain't a decision to live. That's a decision to die. You know, that's, so for a lot of people,

I think it's really quite difficult to go off the map. You know? It is. I mean, I also didn't really consciously know what I was doing when I, you know, got off the map. I kind of just was enjoying myself. And it wasn't until years later that I realized what the world actually perceives as this

and the way that I've now, I've made my kid the weird kid at school kind of on accident. I didn't mean to become the outcast. It kind of just happened. Now I'm like living with it and seeing it. And to some extent, I think I've more recently kind of brought myself a little bit out of being that awkward outcast, but I still am

the weird girl at school. Right, the outsider. Yeah. I mean, this is a mythologized figure. It's in so many things that experience. And it's on paper. It looks great. But then also, I think a great deal of loneliness

goes along with that archetype. Like some kind of like mystical loneliness. Yeah, 100%. And from looking at your interviews and your YouTube channel, that's something that you kind of bring up just honest and honest like announcement of this. And I don't know when that video was.

I didn't look at the date. More recently, I did some YouTube videos a while ago. And then kind of in the more recent years and months, especially, I've been wanting to claim this humanity of myself and be like, I am more than Riley Reed, the porn star. And I'm also Ashley Matthews. So there is no real separation of self, but there is because the character

that I have allowed to be perceived is only the one Riley. So now I'm trying to be like, well, this other person sees and talks and experiences and says more words than just daddy, you know? Yeah. That's got to get so frustrating. Yeah.

Because I was thinking, I guess in some distant way, porn and podcasting have a kind of similarity in the sense that they both, well, not all forms of podcasting, but the kind I do, generally involves a willingness to be pretty vulnerable about what's going on in your life and really laying it all out there, knowing sometimes that the stuff you say

is not going to be well-received or it's going to make you seem cowardly or whatever, like a weirdo or whatever. Your cool friends may make fun of you for being overly, I don't know, confessional or something like that. And with porn, you're completely in this vault. It's a naturally vulnerable situation to be having sex. It is vulnerable as vulnerable can be.

You're not wearing clothes. If you're doing a good job, you're in the moment and you're experiencing these crazy things. But the difference is when people know me for my life, for who I am, but people know you as this character you play. And so I could see how that would begin to feel really weird. Because people probably have an expectation of you to be more of that.

They think that's who you are. Is it? No, it's not. Which is also one thing I was really excited about doing your podcast. We were like, we're going to kind of dodge the porn aspect kind of altogether because it gives me the opportunity to answer things and speak about myself in ways

that are beyond that. Which I think that a lot of times I am catering to this identity that I've created. So it's been hard to sometimes step out of it. Yeah, I could see that. I was watching some interviews you were doing and thinking, oh, she's in character right now. And they're asking you questions that they would ask.

Why the porn star? Yeah, and you're being broadly the porn star for them. And I'm interested in this. I'm interested in specifically why this separation happens in porn, in particular between the person and then the person in front of the camera. But first, I'm going to go euthanize my chihuahua. I'll be right back.

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the void wept Fields into our particular dimension and it is wonderful stuff, give him a shot. Thank you, Fields. We're back. Yes. Okay, cool. Yeah, see, this is like, you know, any actor deals with this, I think.

Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. Any kind of like character, I think do, I'm sure even comedians and stuff, they're like forced into this, you're the funny guy. Why, like, why are you serious at this moment? You're supposed to be the funny guy. Well, right.

Oh, right. Yeah, that's an amazing thing to watch. Disappointment gradually dawn on someone's face who's meeting you offstage as they realize you're just like kind of serious and like maybe a little boring. Like, where are the jokes, man? Yeah.

What's going on here? Yeah. It's like, I guess people are like, where's Riley? Who is this person? Yeah, it was weird. Like I went to AVN, which is like an adult convention. And because recently I've been putting out

all of these YouTube videos, I had such a large amount of people come up to me who were like, well, like your videos like really touched me and like when you're talking about being depressed and I wasn't prepared to be Ashley in those moments. I was prepared to be Riley, the sex goddess, you know? So it threw me off. And when the first guy mentioned it,

I almost started crying because I wasn't prepared or ready to hear that. And I eventually got used to it because so many people were like positively influenced, but it was a weird adjustment also for me because it's not what I'm used to. Right. Yeah.

When I was watching your, the YouTube, I don't know what you'd call it. It's like a podcast. Oh yeah, YouTube podcast, I don't know. It's a podcast. Yeah. And yeah, I was really struck by how you were just like, just saying, oh yeah, yeah, you know, lonely.

You were being so vulnerable and completely not the person from your shows. And I was seeing and I, oh, awesome. This is like, this is you, like this is a new branch on whatever the particular tree of your art is here. Do you ever consider like the possibility that you're probably going to just start acting

in regular films? I mean, I don't know if I am desired in regular films, but I do expect that at some point my porn career will end and by choice, I think that, I think I'm kind of like on my way out actually. Oh yeah. Yeah. You got it.

Yeah, that's such a bizarre profession. It's like modeling too, I guess. You at some point, you just, that's it. You're out. That's not fair and kind of weird, but for you, it's like also a personal choice. It's weird how it like starts to take a toll on like your sexuality and like just the energy

you want to like put into those things. And like, I'm not as like aroused as I used to be. And like, I've like, I guess all in some, in some cases you think that you've become more deeper into like dirty fetishes and I've kind of been quite the opposite and become more vanilla and more vanilla and more traditional and normal and monogamous. And so I kind of want to like, I think I'm like,

oh, I'm not really so interested in being this slutty version of myself that existed prior. Isn't that wild? It's so weird. Yeah, that's circle. You do this strange circle. I think that's one of the effects porn has on a lot of us is like you go through a cycle of like trying to find

the most outrageous blasphemous stuff you could find. And then it sort of circles back around. You're like, just missionary position. Just wear all your clothes. Don't take them off. People holding each other and watching. Then you, then yeah, eventually it goes all the way back around.

It's like a new kink is to be monogamous and a kind of nice intimate connected relationship. That's my new fetish is just dry humping. Don't even penetrate me. Yeah. Well, I could see that. I mean, eventually you've got to find something that is new, I guess.

And if you've been doing that all the time, I get it. It's gonna be, it's so wild. And I said, we weren't gonna talk about that. And I meant it. It's okay. I knew we would like. No, but we're not, we're talking about sexuality. We're not really necessarily talking

about the traditional porn things. Right. But even all that aside for a moment, one thing I, the first question I prepared for you was actually, what's your go-to recipe? Like if you're cooking for somebody. Ooh. I love to cook.

So I'm glad you asked. I think my go-to recipe is like a roast chicken. So I get like, I go to this market called Cookbook. It's like in Highland Park. I love it. And I'll get like maybe. Can I stop you there for one second? Okay, let's talk about Cookbook.

The one. Do you love Cookbook? Are you freaking kidding me? It's the best ever. Yes. I go to the one in Echo Park and it's tiny, which is a. They're both tiny. Oh, so you have to do the thing where you can't,

like you can't even open the freezer without disturbing the person next to you. Yeah, it's a whole thing. It's a, it's a nightmare in there, but it's like some French market. Their produce is amazing, literally. I've compared the produce like side-by-side to Whole Foods because everyone thought Whole Foods

was so amazing and everything. And it's like the sweet potatoes from Whole Foods are trash compared to the sweet potatoes at Cookbook. You have sweet potato opinions? Yes. Holy shit. I mean it, cause I'm just, you know. Dude, when I, when I turn my phone on,

I'll show you, I have the craziest food list. I'm such a foodie and a food snob. People wouldn't even expect it. Okay, let's get to the sweet potatoes in a second. Let's talk about this roast chicken. So that's where you get it from is Cookbook. Yeah, that's where I'll get all my produce and things. And if I want other meats, I'll go to McCalls,

which I don't know if you've been to McCalls butchers. I know, I've heard about McCalls from people, from other, from foodies. I have not taken the leap into McCalls. It's amazing. Well, you, yeah, I've heard that, I've heard it's incredible. Yeah, but so from making my roast chicken, I did quit drinking alcohol,

but I will like drown my chicken in like white wine. And then I do like, I like rip all, like I dig into the skin of it. So it's like, you know, you're wearing it like a puppet. And I put like onions and lemons and oranges and beets and garlic and fresh rosemary. And they're all like fresh vegetables and herbs. And it's all salt and pepper.

And I grind my own pepper, like, so I don't use the pepper grinder. I like use like the old spice. I don't know what they are called. I know what you're talking about. But like the old grandma bowls and- Wait, you use a mortar and pestle for your pepper? Yes, yes.

Grandma bowls. I don't know, cause only grandma's use them. Or hipsters, oh yeah, there you go. Which is hipsters and grandma's? Yeah, the best. So you, you're like, this is so awesome. So you're like, you, how long does that take? I would go nuts.

Not very long. And the chicken thing. Anytime I find my hand in a chicken's ass, which has happened a few times, like when I'm cooking, I always feel bad. It's like, oh my God. Yeah, look at my hand and like the carcass of this creature. I eat meat, by the way.

I'm not doing something. I think I have no problem. Like when I do it, I'm like, oh yeah, I could kill a chicken. Like that's what I think. I'm like, yeah, I'm like a hunter lady. I could, I could kill it and skin it and rip off its feathers and chop off its head. Like no problem.

I gotta get there. Cause I'm the worst kind of carnivore, a guilty carnivore. That's, it is kind of an all, but it's like, you know, I was thinking, if I were being murdered by a serial killer and the serial killer while murdering me was expressing regret, that would be way worse than if- Yeah, but it's the serial killer murdering you

because he needs to live and survive. And it brings him like, you know, like we need the proteins and the vitamins. And like, if the serial killer is gonna kill you to eat you because he's, you know, at least there's some sort of like benefit coming out of it. I mean, I do agree. Like I don't want the animals to be tortured.

I don't want them to like be in the like the little tiny cages and not be like, I would love to be able to grow that or I guess like raise them myself so that I know that they were like healthy. And then some people think I'm crazy cause I'm like, yeah, I would eat my pet chicken. Like I would eat my dog if dogs were edible because my dog has the best diet.

I feed him the best and he's full of love. So that energy would be great and amazing. And maybe I'm a sicko because I would eat the animals I raise but at the same time I feel like then you know that they have sweet, good energy and good food and everything. I wouldn't eat my poodle if someone paid me to. I don't care if I was starving to death.

And I'm not saying from some like humane perspective, I'm saying, cause if that idea that the energy of a being gets in your body, if I ate my poodle, I would just start screaming. I would just be like, not in pain but just random high shrill yips all day long. But do you believe that this is this idea that when you eat a thing, its energy goes into you.

Do you believe that this is something I've heard? I think if you allow it, it could. I think if, but that's also maybe just you doing some weird on psychedelic self or you know, weird consciousness on yourself where you, if you think that animal had a bad life and you're eating it, then you're just going to feel that negativity inside you. So I think so.

I often don't really like think about that stuff but I also think like I go to like good markets where my food is good. And most of the time like the restaurants I go to, I think are good restaurants that also like, like one time I got into an argument with my friend where I was like, no, this food is like, their eggs are organic.

And she's like, no, they are not. And I was like, I will call them right now. And I called them and like their eggs were organic. I was like, I know I could taste it. Like you could feel the difference in the flavor of things. Yeah, I'm, yeah, I agree with that for sure. You can definitely tell the difference

between something that was raised in the human way and not that being said, if someone did a scientific experiment, I'd probably be proven completely wrong. But I don't know at the same time, because like I said, I, I, I definitely can taste a difference between like though I can't eat whole foods, eggs anymore.

I get nauseous and I get sick. Like there's times where I've tried where I was like, I don't have time to go to cookbook. They're, they closed. I'm going to go get some eggs from Whole Foods. And I've gotten sick from it. And not because I was like, Oh, these are Whole Foods eggs.

I was like, oh, I need eggs. I'm getting eggs. And then I eat them. And I was like, oh, why don't I feel good? Right. And I was like, oh, maybe it's because they're Whole Foods eggs. Holy shit.

I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah. I mean, you're shopping at like one of the greatest places ever. So, and I know all their stuff is local. And now we're doing like a cookbook commercial basically. It's like a telephone for cookbook. Well, I mean, if you're actually love something

and passionate about it, I don't mind doing free advertising because cookbook is amazing. So they should go to it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But this is something I'm curious about. So you drown the chicken in white wine. You put in.

Lots of butter. I use bacon grease as well. Cause I save all my bacon grease. And then you put some bacon grease in there. And you just like rub so much salt and pepper all over it and inside of it and in between the meat and the skin. So there's just like, and you put like, I squeeze lemon juice and orange juice

and I'll put the orange skins and the lemon skins like inside between the skin and the meat. Yeah. And then just throughout it. And then like rosemary that's chopped up and cut inside, outside and just in between the like, I don't know, the pan thing that I use. Yeah.

I know what you're talking about. One of, is it a glass? Wait, is it a glass pan? I use a porcelain one. Porcelain pan. Yeah. And then how, what do you eat that into? I cook it for an hour and a half,

but you do 30 minutes each time and you rotate it. What do you mean 30 minutes each? So like you do 30 minutes, you flip it another 30 minutes, then flip it and then the last 30 minutes after flipping it again. Where did you learn this? I just basically taught myself this recipe. So, but when was it, when did you start?

Like when? I think it was like just after one Thanksgiving, I was like, I love Thanksgiving turkey. Can I do basically the same kind of recipe on a chicken? Right. And so, and then I would just do like some kind of basic vegetables or whatever. And then slowly I was like, I want to do more

and like add the lemons and the oranges and all these and I'll like slice up potatoes and I'll put in like Brussels sprouts. And so I just kind of put all kinds of veggies and stuff in there and we'll roast it and it's so good. What kind of oven are you working with? It's like a regular oven. So you haven't gone there?

Like my friend, he's a, he got in, he got the bug and he's a, he's becoming like this really good chef. He had me over to his house for breakfast the other day and he makes this. That's interesting to invite your friend for breakfast. We were going to, it was the Tibetan New Year. And so we were going to this like Tibetan New Year thing and that was happening in the morning.

Oh, that's fun. So that's why normally, yeah, I know that is interesting. Yeah, who goes to their friends for breakfast? It's really surprisingly intimate to be over there and like having coffee and like, it was really nice, but he taught me how to like a way of cooking bacon. How do you cook this bacon? You bake it.

Oh, I've heard of this. Yeah, bake it. It's 400 degrees, 20 minutes, put it on a cookie sheet with aluminum foil, butter seems to be the crucial ingredient to everything. I didn't know you use butter for bacon. Well, a little bit on the pan and then it makes it. Now, I think I'm fucking up there.

I don't, with cooking, I do. Are you not a cook? I'm wanting, I want to be and my mom was a really great cook and my dad was a really great cook. And I enjoy, to me, like I have these synthesizers and it reminds me of cooking a little bit. Cause when you're cooking, you get into this flow state. Yeah.

You know, and it's really wonderful. I love it. I mean, I can't do that. I can't play with synthesizers. All those chords are crazy looking kind of give some stresses me out, honestly. Does it really? I'm so OCD and like organized, I'm like, ah.

Try being stoned out of your mind with those chords. Trying to figure out what's happening. I think I would hang myself with them. You would hang yourself with CV cables. That's what they're called. I'm light enough. I think I could. I'm sure it's been done before.

I mean, no doubt. Cause people who get in, once you go this far, just forget it. It's over for you. When I go to perfect circuit, perfect circuit is where I buy my synthesizers. That's my cookbook. And you go in there feeling ashamed.

Like because it's an addiction and there's no, you don't need that. You don't need any. I don't need that. This is completely unnecessary. I'm not a musician. I just like doing it and you know what I mean? Like I just like it and everyone in there

is like feeling the same way. But then also you go in there and you look around. It's all middle-aged dudes. It's like one of the, like when you get to be 45, you're either going to get tools and saws and start making furniture, or you're going to get into modular synthesizers. One, that's the, that's like my grandfather.

He like, he made birds out of driftwood. Oh. Yeah. It was, and I loved he had a saws and sandpaper in the garage. It was cool. But this is the same thing. It's like you pour money into this

and you make music with it. And then I'll play it for my wife. Oh. And no, she's just like, oh. You know, she's sweet about it. But I see behind the sweetness is like, you know, we're going to have to send the kid

to school eventually. Right? Like, yeah. You're going to have to sell them. Never. We don't say that. You know what? I think that you're going to,

you would eat your dog fine. Okay. But don't ever suggest that I will sell my modular synthesizer. Hey, but let's talk about creation, you know, because you're an artist. And I think like an artist sort of pours themselves into whatever happens to be, you know, cooking, certainly being one of the great art forms.

Do you, do you have any other way that you create? Do you, outside of your work, do you have any other creative endeavor that you pour yourself into? Well, I'm quite the workaholic. So I find myself not often enough taking time away from that. But I did just buy a home that I'm renovating and,

oh yes, I'm very excited. But I'm like basically renovating it. And if you want to see my home, it's kind of like a Pinterest mood board. So I'm like very like, I don't know. I love aesthetics. So I think that like when I was younger, I used to dream of like being an architect

or like an interior designer. And that definitely comes off through my home. So I think with my new place, that's kind of been like the fun creative where I'm like demo this wall and put like a 12 foot window there and kind of like things like that. So it's been really,

that's kind of been one of my funny, expressive creative things to do. And every time I go to the house and see things like slowly happening, I always actually want to cry when I'm there. And I like, and I'll like pat the walls of the house and I'm like, how are you doing house? I like talk to it like a crazy person,

but it makes me just so happy. So I've been really enjoying that. Whoa, cool. So you're not even living in the house yet? No, no, not yet. Not until I think late April. Whoa, that's torture. It kind of is, but at the same time,

I've been like videoing the whole thing. So I'll do like a whole vlog about it, like the before and after, but it is torture to extend. I go there quite often to just check up on like the status and I always get a little disappointed when I haven't seen much of a drastic change, but I just went in the other day

and saw they finally demoed like four of the walls for big windows. And I'm like demoed, demoed, you're in so deep, you're abbreviating demolished. Listen, you're gone. I'm basically a construction worker now. You are. No, you're gone with the wind.

I've seen people get sucked into that and it never ends. I know people who are constantly, constantly having this part of their house. Well, I'm redoing the whole house at one time. So like, I think, and then I'm also like very much so when things are done, it's done because I don't like to sit on projects. Like I hate when things aren't complete

and that's actually like Alzheimer's prevention is completing tasks from start to finish. I'm doomed. Oh my God. Are you saying there's a correlation between not finishing shit and getting Alzheimer's? That's what they were saying that at least it's like a prevention.

So I did that's 23 and me DNA test, which very scaringly, sadly told me that I carry two traits for Alzheimer's. And so that's like, I'm very, I'm like basically 70% likely to get Alzheimer's, which I was like, oh my God. And I'm like, I know like Seth Rogen does all these like Alzheimer's like prevention,

like what is it called when you raise money? Charities. Yeah. And so I like, I've done some of that stuff and like supported his causes and I would like tweet like, please I want to remember all the dicks I've sucked. Like, can you, can you please help donate to this charity? And so I've done some research on it

and it's like apparently Mediterranean food is really good for Alzheimer's prevention. Yeah. You're never going to remember that by the way. I don't remember. You don't like, we don't remember it. First of all, that's a big wish. And I don't mean just like dicks.

I'm talking about like any pleasurable thing is like, we don't remember. It just as a matter of this is, I mean, if you really want to freak yourself out, do you ever like analyze how your memories are kind of wobbly, you know? Oh yeah. It's very interesting and weird.

Yeah. And they're warped because they're all like within ourselves and someone can tell you some sort of little tidbits of information that was their perspective. And now your whole memory has been adjusted and now it's flawed. Yeah. Like you got a bug in your operating system.

You got dinged by somebody. So you said you wanted to start off doing maybe interior design, but then you studied psychology in school. Bachelor's degree? No, I wish. No degree. No degree.

No degree. So you went to college for that? Yeah. How long? How long did you go? Not very long, just a couple of semesters. Did you feel bored or was it just? No, I totaled my car and lost transportation.

So that's why I started in the adult industry because I come from like a lower income class family. And so like the car I had was a gift from a family member and then I totaled it and was like, oh, I need money. And so one thing led to another and I started doing an adult and then I never went back. Right.

So I think that maybe one day I will, but at the time, just currently I haven't. Why'd you pick psychology? Mental illness runs in my family. So schizophrenia and bipolar. So I have got multiple schizophrenic uncles. So I was kind of like, I know sometimes I worry. I'm like, because it happened for them around like 27

is when like the clock exploded or whatever, however the saying goes. But anyways, I- The talk clock exploded. I don't know. The talking clock exploded when they're 20. The talking clock exploded in their brain and then it just went all wild.

Yeah. Now that is, that, you know, as someone, you know, I get depressed. I know that I'm always mental illness adjacent and sometimes I go over the line and that is a legitimate thing that really frightens me is like, not just if it's in your family, but just if you've got a brain.

There is- Oh, I worry that one day I'm gonna go schizo and my fucking noggins are gonna get all crazy. You're fine. I hope so, but like they were fine and married and had children and then 27, I mean, I'm 28 now, so maybe past that time, but- You're over the line for that exploding clock.

Hopefully, hopefully. But I talked to the walls of my house. Who doesn't? I say thank you to hotel rooms. It's okay to do that. The Lord is above a bunch of crazies. No, see, this is the atheist in you. You feel guilty because you're talking

to the walls of your house. I feel fine talking to the walls of my house. I still talk to the walls. I don't feel guilty. Yeah, they would miss you if you didn't. Animism, I like it, you know, I mean, even if the material universe is a screen that we're projecting our identity on,

it's still our identity being like landing on your house or landing on this or landing on that. Very lonely situation to get into if you're the main projector and everything else is a screen, but that being said, if that's the situation, then why not like talk to your house? And then the problem is from that,

you can get to the point of like, well, okay, and then why not talk to the planet? And then if you're gonna talk to the planet, well, then why not talk to the universe? And if you're talking to the universe, you're praying. And if you're praying, are you still an atheist? See, I got you. Are you praying though?

I am, I'm praying that you'll accept Christ into your life. That's why I had you on this show. I was in the whole thing was in trap. Derek, Derek, come out, bring the Bible. We're gonna convert you. Oh, you wish. No, I don't. No, I don't.

I don't, I don't, no, I don't, I think that that, but I do pray and I love it. I mean, just as an experiment, you know, it's like, why not? What's the worst thing that happens? You're muttering to yourself. So what? So do you like pray to a God

or do you pray to like the universe? Oh, I pray to God. Just as a term, just cause it's like, look, I understand it doesn't sound cool to say God. And it's an embarrassing, it's like. Well, to an atheist, yeah, to other people, it's cool. Yeah, to other people, it's could be cool, but then also there's a sense of like, really?

You think that? I mean, really? Come on. I went, I go to these Ram Dass retreats in Hawaii where they're this teach, you know, Ram Dass, who that is. I feel like it's not like the yoga guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Pals with Tim Leary. One went into scientific materialism, psychedelic land. The other went into like having a guru and teaching and becoming like a new age, a leader in the, I guess you would call it the spirituality movement, new age movement. Amazing, amazing, amazing human.

But what was so beautiful about these retreats is that he would have these like Zen Roshis who were his friends for life. And like a Zen Roshi, talk to a Zen Roshi about God and see what they think. They might be polite with you, but you know, for them, they're more on your camp, which is like, let's hang out in the moment.

If there's a God great, and if there's, you know, some divine intelligence out there, fantastic. But right now there's this. Yeah. And isn't this enough? Yeah, that's where I'm at. Yeah, yeah.

It's a present. Yeah, it's the best. And it's a beautiful way to be. And then, but Ram Dass, it was in the Bhakti yoga, which is the yoga of love. And so he would say, this is my fantasy. You know, it's a fantasy. I remember I did a podcast with him

and Roshi Joan Halifax. And after he said, this is my fantasy, referring to his idea of there being a divine presence, an eternal perpetual, sentient love energy that you can communicate with. This is my fantasy. Roshi Joan Halifax goes, finally, finally you admit it. It's a fantasy.

And that's what I loved about these retreats. Cause both of these sides were brought together and they get to, you know, hang out, you know, because it's a fun thing. Either one is a wonderful way to be. I just like, you know, I love the, I'll tell you how I can't be an atheist. And maybe you can make me an atheist.

It would be, because, you know, in some ways it's a bit of a relief. I mean, it takes a lot of cognitive load off of your mind to not have to imagine that you're intrinsically dipped into some kind of super intelligence that goes on and on and on forever. And you're one small, infinitesimally fragmental portion of this thing that's like all around you.

I don't know. That's a lot to think about. It's like a lot of math, a lot of numbers on the board, man. So, but here's why I have a problem. Not why I can't get it out of my head. It's like, surely in the universe, there's other life. Right.

Now that's a big surely. I know it's not, we don't know for sure. Oh, we don't know. But if I had to put money for Vegas and I had to bet, I'm betting there's life out there somewhere. And then if there's life out there, then I'm gonna bet there's like a hierarchy of intelligence. There's gonna be dumbasses in some distant galaxy,

probably a planet of just pure dumbasses, just dumb, ridiculous, dumb grunting idiots that like eat dirt and like piss on each other as a religion or something, who the fuck knows? But then probably there's gonna be a sentience out there that's a million times more intelligent than us and a million times more intelligent than us and a million times more intelligent than that.

And at some point that becomes, as far as I'm concerned, God. And that to me is the thing that I pray to or think about or try to connect with. And so how, if you can- So do you think that thing is like your creator? Do you, do you pray to just some higher intelligent being? Or do you pray to something that you think is who made all of mankind?

Because also who created that thing? How did that thing come to be? Turtles all the way down, Ashley, turtles all the way down. You ever heard that before? No, what is that? So some, there was a story about when they were figuring out that the earth was going around the sun. The earth wasn't the center of the universe.

That used to be a controversial opinion. And I'm trying to recall exactly who this person was. There's a great book called, it's like a brief history of everything anyway. If I remember it, I'll tell you after the podcast, but as the story goes, there's an astronomer talking about how the earth is floating in space. And a woman was completely appalled by this and said,

no, the earth sits on the back of a turtle to which the astronomer said, well, what's the turtle standing on? And her response was turtles all the way down. So yeah, it's a fair question. And at some point, as far as I'm concerned, I don't really care. Actually, you know, there's a really good,

one of my favorite stories in Buddhism, I'm gonna super abbreviate this. I think I'm making this a little bit about me more than about you, so I apologize. There's a story in Buddhism where Buddha visits the God, Brahma, the realm of the gods, the creator God. And to ask how can we ease the suffering of humanity? And the creator God, he appears wherever the creator God's

hanging out, some palace or whatever God's hanging out in. And the creator God's like, you don't have an appointment, basically. Like, what are you doing here? Just show up, get out of here. All the other gods are sitting around watching this happen. And so the creator God comes to Buddha, like the next day meditating and says, listen,

I'm sorry that I did that where I kicked you out, but here's the problem. These other gods, they think I'm the creator God, but I've just been here longer. I don't know where I come from. And I don't want them to know because it's gonna freak them out. And so I'm afraid that I can't help you

with the problem of how to alleviate human suffering. You're gonna have to figure that out. And that is when Buddha knew he was fucked. Is what's worse than that? When God shows up, it's like, look, I don't know, man. I don't think I can help you with this one. Oh, what a mess. So yeah, I like, you know, who knows, I don't know.

It's just more along the lines of like, but I appreciate the question. It's a good question. I don't know. I don't know that it matters. Like if it's an eternal never ending Russian doll of ever increasing levels of some sentience, great. I'll take it, whatever it may be.

That being said, if it's nothingness, I'll take that too. I mean, I'm not gonna be extraordinarily disappointed if I die and blank out. What do you think happens when you die? I think that, I just imagine it's just dark and we cease to exist and that's kind of the end. And maybe there's some sort of like re-incarnation to the energy, but obviously there is no memory of it

because we don't have any sense of it or anything like that. So I don't know, I just honestly just picture darkness and I was like, you just cease to exist and that's it. Yeah. Well, it's unfathomable. Who knows? Darkness, non-darkness.

Yeah, I don't wanna picture this like, holy amazing afterlife. I don't picture a hell either. I don't know really what, I mean, obviously none of us know, but- What if you had to pick? What if I had to pick? Yeah, like if like the simulator came to you and was like, listen, we're gonna do an update.

You can choose how we update the system. It's either gonna be perpetual darkness for eternity when sentient beings perish or we're gonna create a never-ending eternal cycle of birth and death. Nah, I think I'd rather the darkness. Woo! That's hardcore, that's so hardcore.

I feel like- You're gonna turn off the TV? Yeah, I feel like it's exhausting. Life is exhausting. And so I would rather not continue this repetitive state of making bad choices and living a difficult life and seeing all the suffering and, you know,

if Earth was this heavenly pleasant experience then possibly, but I feel like you can't guarantee, like I'm even terrified to have a child because I can't guarantee that they won't have a life without suffering or at least even the most minimal amount of it. So I don't know if I even wanna give myself that opportunity. I think that just do it once and then it's done.

Right, I mean, that's the thing. That's what's so funny is like for an atheist, death is heaven, eternal darkness. Yeah, oh my God, I didn't even know I'm the ultimate atheist. Yeah, but equally, it's an equal fantasy, isn't it? Because like for an atheist, because like really like sometimes I contemplate like, yeah, like, wow, if it is like just, you know,

the lights go down, then- It just sounds peaceful. And you like, it's the ultimate, when you win, that's a big win. Because all like whatever you did in this particular incarnation gets just, it's gone. Whatever, all your guilt, all of your debts, both like physical and psychological, all of it just-

Yeah, all of your pain and your happiness is just- Gone. You can't sit in your own self anymore, which I think would be pleasant. Yeah, I mean, this is what we, that's the thing is it's so funny out the human mind, no matter what, attempts to connect to some post-death reality that is pleasant.

Yeah, and what's more pleasant than complete annihilation. Yeah. Whoa, that would be amazing. That's the- But the thing is like based on my calculations here, which are completely ridiculous calculations, I would say, I don't know that we're gonna get that lucky, Ashley, I think this thing keeps going.

And I think it keeps going, and not even like the way people think. Like these New Ages, they tell this story, it's a pretty story that you die, and well, it's not just New Ages. If you study near-death experiences, there's a universal phenomena where people who are dead, clinically, experience similar things

regardless of culture, and that's pretty fascinating, because you would think that the mind would project something that would be culturally influenced to some degree, but it's always the same kind of story being that you have what's called a life review, meaning that you experience the sum total of all the pain or joy that you put into the world in one moment, you feel how you made other people feel.

You're gonna feel like a million orgasms, a billion orgasms, but also anybody that you've hurt, you're gonna feel their pain. Anyone that you've loved, that's loved you, that you're gonna feel their love, it's called the life review. And then the New Ages take it one step further, where you pick your next incarnation.

Yeah, based on what there is to learn. So it's sort of like, you're trying to evolve over time. Oh, that kind of, I've done acid in one of my, or at least two of my kind of more, I guess I would say bad acid trips, and it was the second one kind of picked up where I left off in this other one, was kind of like that where I was a number,

and my number kind of started here, and it was like a small number that went around, like my entire body, and it was like, obviously over a million. And so I had basically, in this acid trip, lived my life so many millions and trillions and zillions of times, but I kept making mistakes in every life, and I kept having to relive it.

And I was like, I basically saw God, which was me, I am God, and I am like the creator of my life, and I make all of these poor choices, and so I relive again until eventually I stop making bad choices. Yeah. Until I become the perfect human. Or, or, yeah.

Or don't. Or don't, I mean that, you just- But the thing is that you're never aware of the things that you fucked up on until you die, and then you're like, okay, let's try again, you're not gonna be aware of any of it, so let's see if you can fix it this time. That's part of the game.

It's like some kind of brutal combination of like Groundhog's Day meets Amnesia or something. Yeah. And yeah, and that's cause like the game wouldn't be quite as enjoyable if you remembered what happened before, not to mention like, think of like the- Well, then you'd be cheating.

You'd be cheating, and also you'd still be pissed at people from like the 1400s. Like you'd be holding grudges against people during the plague and shit. It would be a mess. It's a lot to deal with. But yeah, I like that model of consciousness, and it is like, death is kind of like a filter.

It filters out everything, but this like very basic quantum momentum, that's called your karma, and your sentience. Like your acid trip was essentially the way that in Buddhism, death gets described in a very similar fashion, which is why what we're in is considered, have you ever heard this before? We're in samsara, is what it's called,

the wheel of suffering, which is the never ending eternal series of births and deaths. A human incarnation is not guaranteed sometimes, and it's all based on your momentum when you die. So like if you're, which is why it's considered really important to get happy and not happy, that's a dumb way to put it, but like it's considered like, all of life is preparation for this moment,

because if you die freaked out, then that freaked out energy goes into your next incarnation. And so our freaked out energy right now, whatever your hangups are, whatever your repetitive patterns are, gives you a glimpse into what you've been struggling with for eternity. No, interesting.

Yeah, it's a cool model, whether it's true or not, who knows, but it sort of puts a new light when like the same thing, I don't know if you have that happen to you or the same bullshit keeps happening over and over again, but in different forms. So when it happens, you're like, oh, there's that thing. It keeps happening. I bet it's been happening for millennia to me.

This time, I'm gonna get it right. You know, whatever that means, you know? It could also just be confirmation bias. Four, listen to me, fucking Carl Shagan over here. I get it, I love it though. My dear friends do that to me all day long and I love it. I deserve to be shot down. I think that's the great thing about discussions

is to ponder different, not that I believe in my own concept, but you know. Well, Sam Harris, you know, you're a devotee of Sam Harris and he's not gonna put up with that shit. I've read his books. You wouldn't do that. He meditates like seven hours a day or something and ice cold water.

That guy's hardcore, but he doesn't suffer theism, you know, very much or any of that stuff. But I guess the real question would be like, why do you have to believe in it or not believe in it for it to be useful? You know, like this is a model of like a way to sort of place a specific color over your reality. Temporarily.

That's what I do. I mean, it's like, oh, today I'm gonna live like I have incarnated an embarrassing number of times and keep fucking up over and over and over again. But this day, this day of all the incarnations, this is gonna be the day I don't do the same thing over. And I think that brings us back to kind of what we were talking about in the beginning, which is going off the map.

You know, whenever you got in a car accident, I didn't know that was a thing that rocketed you into your wild life. How crazy is that? Talk about like mind-bending strangeness. You think if you hadn't been hit by that car, you wouldn't have gotten into the adult film business? No, I would not.

I would have kept going to school because I had a mode of transportation. Youth, and you would have just. Yeah, because I loved school. I loved learning. I was like, and I did really good in high school. I took like college courses in high school. I was like a super smart girl.

I still think I'm smart. You're smart. Yeah, I did really good in school. And then in college, I loved going to classes in college. I enjoyed it. And I just totaled my car. And I didn't want to do like city transportation because it would take a ridiculously amount of time.

So I was like, oh, I'm just gonna get some quick cash. Wow. How many lives have been changed because of city transportation? Or just lack of income as well. I mean, that was like the huge part of it and no support from like my real family, so. No support in the sense they're like,

well, we just don't have the cash. We can't. From my mom's side. My dad's side could have helped me, but I think a part of his whole concept was he didn't want to, I guess, handicap me, which I totally understand. He didn't want to enable me to become

a codependent type of a person. So like, from a very young age, I got a job and had to buy my own toothpaste and things like that and take care of myself. What? Yeah. You had to buy your own toothpaste. Yeah, my parents made me take care of myself,

which at the time, and even still, I'm very appreciative of it because it taught me to work really hard and everything. And so now, but at that point, my dad wouldn't even get me college book money or anything like that. I remember needing like $80 for college books and he wouldn't help me.

And my grandma ended up helping me, but my grandma was like, you have to pay me back. So I like paid her back and everything. So. That's old school. Yeah, they were not helpful. And to some degree, my grandma was, but like I said, I had to pay her back,

which taught me though, to be good with my money and things like that and to pay people back and not to borrow money and to like kind of just like, you fucking hustle to make your ends meet. Yeah, this is something from reading interviews with you and that I've gathered is that you're incredibly hardworking and that you have this survivor attitude towards existence. It makes sense that you're a workaholic.

You have, did you say you have multiple assistants? I have three assistants. Whole leading. They're basically like workers, but yeah. What do you mean workers? I mean, like they like work for me and like they like do computer things for me. They like help me update my websites.

They check my emails. They like fill my shop orders, kind of like things like that. Whoa. So you've got to, you've got a- I'm a team, basically in the home. Yeah. And I'm looking to hire another one, honestly. I'm like, I need more help

because we can't seem to get everything done. Well, you can't, I mean, I know what you mean. I need, like I'm at that point now where it's like, if you don't expand, you're screwed. You're doomed. You've got to ask for help. You've got to have people doing that shit for you. I mean, we have a nanny and that's still,

I mean, that's barely anything. Yeah, I feel you. We need more than that. Like you need to like have lots of, wow, but that's a lot. So you've got people on the books. You have an accountant? Yes. Wow.

So you're like, yeah, okay, I get it. You're just, you're a business person. I am. So a lot of, I've known a lot of comics that were like that too. Like one side of them is the creative side. One side of them is the steely, hardcore business person, making really smart business decisions.

So if that's who you are, why would you come on this podcast? I don't know, I really like to do podcasts. And like I said, I think this is an ability for me to like humanize myself. So it's a part of like allowing people to see an opportunity of me that may have not been presented otherwise.

Cause I also, I have so much going on. I don't have time to do like my own podcasts necessarily. I do like my YouTube videos where I answer fan questions, but like I haven't, I want to do podcasts at some point, but I haven't made the time for it and whatnot. So when I have the opportunity to come to other peoples, I'm like, yes, I will do it. I think it's great to like allow people to hear me talking.

Cause I do more than just dirty talk. I can actually communicate. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's a, I mean, in some ways it's like an incredibly limiting profession that way. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it, I mean, what are you going to do? Like who wants that?

Like really, like if you're watching porn, when you, when you're looking at like the, like the options for types of porn to look at, I don't even know if there is a talking option. Is that even in there? Like I want to, I want to hear people just talking for a long time before they hook up. That's what everyone loves.

It's the best as you're relaxing in to watch porn, 10 minutes of good, strong dialogue. Well, no, I get it. And this, you've, number one, you got to do a podcast. There's ways that you could do it. People listening, I'm sure I'll reach out. You know, there's, it's a whole thing. There's producers who will do all the work for you.

There's, you could- I'm such a control freak, I couldn't. Okay, yeah. That's a part of my problem. Yeah, this is part of my problem too. You know, with, with this podcast in the old days, I used to edit it. I used to take, you know, it would be my,

it was all in an all week job. It's been all week editing it, all week. And I saw in your YouTube video, you're like, I edited this. Yeah, and it took me like eight hours to edit a five minute video. It's crazy. Yeah, and that's the price you pay

for not wanting to pass it on to somebody else. But I know that feeling because it's a joy to edit. Like, I think people don't understand how narcotic that is to sit there rewinding. Yes, I do love it though. What are you using premiere? No, right now I just literally use iMovie. I haven't even tried to do any of the more extreme.

I have the premiere, but I haven't tried to even teach myself how to do it yet. Watch out, you'll become an editor. You're like, if you're a control freak, it's the ultimate job for an, it's like that's, control freaks love editing. Yeah. But it's hard to let go.

You just have to, I have someone who edits now, my Aaron, he's amazing, my sound guy, but that took deep conversations with my wife and her realizing like, you don't have time. I mean, there's too much other shit going on for you to sit and edit something. Learning how to do that is really hard though. Really, do you yell at your assistants?

No. You're kind to your assistants? I'm very kind to them. Listen friends, here's a chance for you to work for a very successful adult film star who's killing it right now. You're doing so good. Thank you.

And you're, and it's really, I think your impulse to make sure people understand that you're playing that character and that there's way more there is super smart. And my friend Conor Habib comes on, he's an adult film star. And I think we did five podcasts before we even talked about porn

because he's deeply philosophical and you are too. And I think it's, I have a feeling it must be part of being in that business because it's such a, it's weirdly such a spiritual thing like sex is deep, you're dealing with all kinds of energies and all kinds of crazy, crazy moments. So my friend Conor said, don't trust a guru if they haven't had sex

with at least a thousand people. Because there's some depth of human psychology that you all understand that us normies probably don't quite get. Like there's something you know that we- I feel like it's like, maybe it's just like you kind of learn to just love mankind in general. When you're like, especially I think a part of it is

not that you're forced but like having sex with people that you don't want to necessarily naturally or you naturally would never imagine you and that person fornicating. So like now you're put in a position where you're both being paid to have sex with each other so you have them, sex with them. And you don't want it to be a horrible painful,

terrible experience. So you kind of like learn to love that person in whatever manner that you can. So I think it's taught me this like really freeing ability to just love everyone basically. Wow. Yeah. That's so beautiful.

It is. It's very romantic. It really is. That by the way is Bakhti Yoga. It's like learning how to love what's in front of you for real love, not like a big smile but like actually love. Yeah, just genuinely care about them.

Yeah. Wow. That's cool. It's so cool. It's like, you know, it's in everything. That's what I feel like I'm getting out of our conversation is just this quality of humaneness, this ability to connect with the walls of your house.

Yeah. Someone you're being paid to hump. I could never do that. I could never, if I was with you. You train yourself as kind of a part of it. Aside from the, how? How do you do that? How do you do that?

I don't mean like the sex thing. I mean like how do you do that when you're having a rough day and you find yourself? It's not about you. How do you make it not about you? It's just like, it's about everybody else and it's about the rest of the world. It's like you're stepping out of yourself

because it's just not about you. Yeah, I don't know. It's about pleasuring others. And when you allow that satisfaction to occur, then it brings you satisfaction. Then you're kind of in a better place. Selflessness. Yes.

It's painful to serve yourself. It hurts. Yeah. Like if you get too self-fixated, it's the worst. Yeah. It's not just with sex, it like runs the gamut. Yeah. Anytime I find myself doing anything

that isn't just for me, everything lightens up almost instantly. Yeah. It's like the cure-all for most things. Wow. Well, I'm going to try. You're doing porn now. No, I'm not going to do porn.

You didn't know that I was converting you into porn. Trust me, they're beating down my door all day long people in the adult film industry. Like Duncan, you would be, everybody wants a 45 year old bearded dude who weighs 100 pounds. 179 pounds to be in porn. Please, if you're out there listening, I'm not going to do it.

I refuse, it's not my calling, but I respect people who do. But no, I don't mean just porn. I mean, in this thing that you're saying, I always forget, you know, it's like, I always get compressed into my identity. And I always forget when I'm feeling bummed out, you know, on any given day, I'll be like, all right, maybe I need to listen to this kind of music.

You know, I'll listen to Black Mouth Super Rainbow and it gets stoned. That'll make me feel better. And then that doesn't work. Or I'll go to the gym. That'll make me feel better. That doesn't work. Or whatever, I'll play some music by myself.

That doesn't work. But then the moment I'm like, I'm going to make dinner for my wife or go to the playground with a boy. Or all of a sudden everything lights up again. It's like, oh, right, just don't be selfish. Yeah. It's not about you. Yeah.

I want to tell you something. The second, this, so when my dad was dying, I call my friend, Raghu Marcus, who runs the Love Server Member Foundation, it was Ram Dass' foundation. And I said to him, I'm like, I don't want him to suffer. I don't know what to do. He's like in pain.

I don't know what to do. I don't know. And the first thing he said to me was take yourself out of it. Take yourself out of it. He's literally just said what you said to me. It's not about you. This is about him. Let this process happen as it's happening.

You are putting yourself in it way too much. So what are, here's a question we can end on. What are some tricks to take yourself out of it? How do we do it? What's the tactic? How do you treat it? You said it's training. How do you do it?

What's the training? I think it's just putting yourself in those uncomfortable positions or just putting yourself out there. I mean, I don't have a husband or children, but I use my dog as a way to release. So like if I'm feeling down and sad, I'll make sure I spend more time with him

and that I'm making him happy and playing with him and gratifying him because then I can see and feel his everlasting love. And I'm like, it helps me to be less in myself and everything. And then, I mean, I don't really know. It's just kind of like you just putting yourself in these situations and where you just,

it's just practicing the selflessness. It's practicing like trying to not allow your pain to project pain upon others because attitude is contagious. And if you are feeling negatively and you're around other people, it can make them also feel negative. And then there's just a bunch of negativity. So if you can try to like,

you know, put it where it's focusing on making these other people happy or like you see that they're having a good time instead of coming and like bringing them down, you try to just mask that for a moment. And I feel like usually it works with like, you don't, you realize the pain that you were feeling was kind of what's the word I want to use.

It's just so, it was unnecessary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Hare Krishna. Thank you so much. I really, really appreciate your time.

And wow, that was deep. That's deep. Take yourself out of it. It's not about you. Yeah, it's hard. It's fucking hard. It's not easy to do. We all struggle.

I'm not perfect. I can't always remove myself out of it. But a lot of the times you just have to, at least if it's like your work environment and things like that, you just kind of force it and then you just learn how to deal with it better. Learn how to take yourself out of it.

Whether you're in porn, whether you've got a family, whatever it is, what are we doing? We're stuck in these meat bodies and we're all fixated on it. Why would we do that to ourselves? Gotta expand. You're amazing.

Thank you so much for your time. Thank you. You're so knowledgeable and well-educated. I hope to learn more from you. Are you kidding? I'm after talking to you. I'm gonna go eat my dog, take my altar down.

I'm an atheist now. I'm done. Then I'm gonna go shoot porn. Yes. Thank you so much for your time. Where can people find you? You can find me on Twitter, RileyReadX3, although it is very not safe for work,

so be prepared for the naughty bits. Yeah, it's definitely NSFW friends in your YouTube. Yeah, that's RileyRead that you can check out. And I have a website, readmylips.com, again, not safe for work, so if you wanna check it out. And I think my YouTube is age-restricted too. So everything you have to be 18 and older to consume. Kids, you gotta wait till you're 18.

God bless you for being on the show. Thank you so much. God efficient, thank you. That was Ashley Matthews, everybody. You can find all the links you need to find her at dunkitrustle.com. Thank you very much for coming on the show, Ashley, and a big thank you to Blue Chew and to Fields

for sponsoring this episode of the DTFH. And as always, a tremendous thank you to you for listening. If you like us, subscribe. Subscribe to our Patreon, and most of all, subscribe to the deep realization that you are fundamentally good, and it is your thought vibrations that shape the reality around you.

I love y'all, and I'll see ya real soon. Until then, Hare Krishna. We are family. A good time starts with a great wardrobe. Next stop, JC Penney. Family get-togethers to fancy occasions, wedding season two. We do it all in style. Dresses, suiting, and plenty of color to play with.

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