Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 439: Annie Lederman

Episode Date: May 15, 2021

Annie Lederman, insanely-funny comedian and voice on GTA, joins the DTFH! Check out Annie's podcasts, Meanspiration with Annie Lederman and BloodBath w/ Annie, & Esther, & Khalyla! And check Annie's site for her upcoming live shows. Original music by Aaron Michael Goldberg. This episode is brought to you by: Athletic Greens - Visit AthleticGreens.com/Duncan for a FREE 1 year supply of vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase! Omigo - Use offer code: DUNCAN15 to save 15% on your first order. ExpressVPN - Visit expressVPN.com/duncan and get an extra 3 months FREE when you buy a 1 year package.

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They smell like vodka, vodka and soda. I just threw up three vodka sodas. Greetings to you, sweet lovers of the universe. That was Madame Caroline Prince that you just heard, featuring young nasty, a.k.a. Johnny Pemberton. By the way, if you like Johnny Pemberton, you ought to subscribe to his Patreon, and I'll have the link at dunkitrustle.com.

It's Patreon, live to tape, and you can get more incredible rap tracks like that, blasted into those holes in the side of your head, vibrating your brain. Here's a fun fact you might not be aware of. I've got a lot of fun facts for you today. These are the kinds of things you need to know because sometimes the conversation dries up in a bad way.

It drives up in the way a cut that's infected dries up, and you think, oh my god, my infected cut is healing, but it really isn't. It was just that kind of scab that looks like maybe things are going okay, but then you barely touch the scab and pain shoots up your arm. The scab falls off. You look down into a crevasse of pus and tendons and realize you have some horrific flesh-eating disease

that gradually spreads up your arm and into your face and across your body. Horrible spider webs of disease, eventually huge pulpy, mushy, purpley chunks of your skin start falling off, and then the rodents come, burrow into you, and the next thing you do, you're just an infected, meaty bag of wriggling mice and rats. So you need fun facts to fill in the blanks during those moments. Sometimes when the conversation has a pause, it's nice.

It's a time for you to look at each person you're eating dinner with right in the eye and fold your hands at your chest and silently offer them a namaste, and then throw your hot coffee in one of their faces, run out and blame it on some kind of mania that you have begun to experience because of the pandemic. Here's the first fun fact that I became aware of watching a nature documentary with my beautiful child,

Forrest, the oldest son, and we like to watch this Bumblebee documentary. Nature documentaries, I'm sure you're aware, if you're a parent, it's Rollin' the Dice. Watching these things with your kids definitely can't go like pre-70s because those nature documentaries are there the walking dead. It really isn't about animals as much as like what the animals

are running away from, and sort of, I don't know, I guess getting you used to the idea that for a lot of animals, day-to-day existence is eating and running away from things bigger than you, which is, I don't have a problem with that necessarily. I mean, I know it's kind of like that. I am a carnivore, and I eat. I have to eat things that used to be alive to live,

but when do you start showing your kid that shit, you know? So this Bumblebee documentary is cool. Bumblebees are awesome. They're awful creatures in the sense that they go, and right when I said that, I know someone listening is like, no, they're not. I love the bee. Okay, it's fine for you to love the bee.

I'm not shaming you for being a bee lover necessarily, a beeophile, but they do like fuck other things up pretty bad, just like everything else. For example, the bee documentary that Forrest and I enjoy watching has a part where a bee goes into a mouse hole and forces the mouse out of the mouse hole so that it can lay its eggs there, which is awful. If you think about it from the perspective of the mouse,

there really is like a cute creature sitting on some clover, just chilling out in the darkness, and suddenly something that might as well be an HR Giger painting comes barreling into its house, raising one of its legs up, which is a sign that it's going to sting you, and then the mouse flees. The bee takes over the mouse's nest. I'm sure the mouse, as soon as it leaves its nest,

fleeing from a giant insect, was eaten by a hawk, no doubt, and then dropped into the razor sharp snapping beaks of the hawk's brood. But there's justice in the world because at the end of this bee's life cycle, what happens, and this is what happens to every queen bee that gets old, is the other bees climb on top of the bee and begin to vibrate, and this vibration cooks the bee to death. Now, fortunately, and I think probably because whoever made this bee documentary knew that kids were going to watch it,

they left out this one little tidbit that my wife showed me yesterday, which is the queen bee actually does this kind of terrified scream. I didn't know bees could scream. There's a name for it. It's called Fluting, I believe, some weird name like that, but it's a scream. It's a scream of anguish and confusion, a scream of anything that's being murdered by its many children,

a kind of howl into the void. It's exactly the sound you might expect that you would make if you had evicted a mouse from its burrow and then laid a bunch of eggs and then tended to those eggs until they grew baby bees, and then those baby bees, once you got old, decided to roast you to death with their vibration. But why am I trying to describe it?

I'll just play it for you. They're chewing on her wings. Let me turn the volume up a little bit so you can really hear it. Bee scream gang. Here's another fun fact that you might enjoy sharing with your friends at the dinner table. Have you ever experienced the need to poop when you go into a bookstore? I know maybe some of you have never been in a bookstore,

not because you don't read, but because bookstores are going extinct. But when I was a kid, I would go into bookstores all the time. And every single time, I would suddenly have to poop. Now, I was mentioning this to my wife, and she said, yeah, the same thing happens to me, also in Target. So I decided that I would Google it to see if this was something other people were reporting

and was thrilled to find out that there is something called the Mariko Aoki Phenomena. I understand what you're thinking. This is another bullshit thing that you're making up in your intro. So I invite you to Google it, and a Wikipedia page will pop up with an insane amount of data. But the essence of it is the Mariki, the Mariko Aoki Phenomena,

is a Japanese expression referring to an urge to defecate that is suddenly felt after entering bookstores. Look it up. It's crazy how much research has been done into this phenomena. The people have so many people have experienced. My guess is a lot of the research is being funded by bookstores because it must suck when you get a job at a bookstore and you realize that people are constantly shitting in the bathroom all day long.

You wouldn't expect it. And then probably your manager would be like, yeah, it's this phenomena, the Mariki Aoki Phenomena that just like, yeah, people are just, they blow it out in a bookstore. But yeah, there's a lot of, there's many, many explanations for it. There's the altered mental state hypothesis. There's the posture and gaze related hypothesis. There's the conditioned response hypothesis.

There's the standard explanatory models. Look it up. There's even metaphysical theories related to this effect, which some people say actually happens to them in a target. So the world is a very fascinating place. And it's a place that fills me with such wonder to think that bees, queen bees are vibrated to death at the end of their lives and that I'm not the only one in the world who needs to poop

when I go into a bookstore, but it's an actual phenomena. The point of all this is you got to keep learning friends. Don't let anyone stop you from exploring the inner recesses, the clammy yet somehow enticing damp pits and pools of congealed wisdom that is just right out there in front of you waiting for you to push your face. Just lift the fold of information with the nose of your curiosity and lap it up with your flickering tongue. We have got a wonderful podcast for you today.

Comedian Annie Letterman is here with us. We're going to jump right into that. But first, this. I want to thank Athletic Greens for sponsoring this episode of the DTFH. Everybody knows that vitamins are one of the easiest ways to improve your health. All you got to do is start taking vitamins. But if you've ever been around a healthy vitamin chomping freak, then probably they've looked at whatever your particular vitamin you're taking is

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and the joy of knowing that you've joined health experts, athletes and health conscious go getters around the world who make a daily commitment to their health every day. Thank you, Athletic Greens. And we're back. Loves, will you please subscribe to my Patreon over at patreon.com forward slash DTFH. If you do that, you're going to get commercial free episodes of this podcast. You're going to get weekly family gatherings.

You're going to get weekly meditations and you're going to get access to our discord server, which is a wild community of brilliant enlightened beings all waiting to embrace you. And as it turns out, I keep hearing that many of them have begun to date each other. And that fills me with a rare sort of joy and an embarrassing pride. I want you to be part of our ever growing tribe. Go to patreon.com forward slash DTFH. Now, my love, today's guest is an insanely funny comedian. If you played Grand Theft Auto, you've probably heard her voice.

You've definitely seen her on Chelsea lately or at midnight. And if you haven't subscribed to her podcast, mean Spiration, you must do it now. She's a comedy store paid regular. That's where we became friends. And if you want to see her live, she's got some shows coming up. You can catch her at the Hartford, Connecticut funny bone, June 12th to the 14th. She's going to be at the Tempe improv, July 16th to the 19th, the comic strip in Edmonton, September 10th to the 13th. And you can catch her in St. Paul, September 23rd to 26th.

All you got to do is go to any letterman.com forward slash shows. Definitely go see her live. She is supremely funny and you will have the best time ever. And now everybody, please welcome to the DTFH any letterman. It's been done. Annie, welcome to the DTFH. Thank you so much. I was before we started recording, I was telling you that I don't think I would do this if I were on the road.

Like usually when I'm on the road, I like to just not do anything until the show. Watch true crime, masturbate. Yes, that's the pattern. For me, it's forensic files than masturbate. Yes. Oh, I do it during. I just have to, I time it perfectly. Oh, yeah.

You know, I don't think my wife and I humped to Sean Hannity once and that was pretty fucked up. I just don't think I could jerk off to forensic files. I don't know how else I'm getting through it, you know, and then the coming is sort of like a, it's like a morning, the loss of the dead person. Wow, what a cool way to mourn. That's beautiful. Get it all out. Get the gunk out. Instead of this crying bullshit, just big orgasms.

Yeah, I mean, why are we watching it anyway? Okay, so you're going deep right away. You mean you're getting into this idea that come on, what do you think? Like the way those shows try to make you feel is like you're studying something, but really you're just getting off on the dark. Oh, it's real. It's real. You might as well use their blood as lube. Come on.

Wow. The blood of the innocent. The blood of the innocent is lube. Where, what is, wow, you are, you, this is your post pandemic identity, right? Like this is. Listen, I'm at the Mall of America. I'm doing two more posts tonight, one Sunday, Mother's Day show. I'm ready to go.

What's the Mall of America like during like the ending of COVID? It's great. It's fine. Nothing. All it looks like is that everyone's Asian or something like pre-pandemic Asian, like everyone's wearing masks. It's just totally packed. None of the stores out of business, none of the stores. There's two Spencer gifts.

One is like, and they're not like on other sides of the mall. They're just on different floors and like this far apart. What the fuck? Two Spencer gifts are flourishing. Also, they have a, I saw a store called alpaca connection where it's just all, honestly, I think it might be your favorite. You actually are the person most likely to buy something from the alpaca. What the fuck?

What's there? It's like moccasins. How dare you? Your beard is like. Because I have a beard. It doesn't mean I wear moccasins. You don't wear moccasins? I don't.

You're too good for moccasins? I don't know. It's not. I'm too good for. And then let go release. You're holding on to something. Okay. Look, I, what do you work for the moccasin cartels?

I could only think that this is what's going on to keep this business afloat. I honestly, it made me think like, have I just been in a bubble in LA and the news has really just been making me think other people are wearing masks and. Yeah. In COVID because the economy is fine as far as the mob Americans. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's the LA when I left LA and came to Asheville, which is a very safe, like people are still wearing masks and stuff.

It wasn't even close to that. To whatever was happening in LA, like LA was, was spooky. It was so intensely locked down. Whereas like other places, you know, at least some places have found what seems to be a nice logical middle way, just a normal, like, yeah, there's a pandemic. Yeah. Masks might help. We're going to wear masks, but LA was, I mean, it was nuts.

Everybody went crazy. I love that shit. I loved the lockdown. First of all, I lived right by, I just moved, but I was living by the Grove, which is where they were burning all the cop cars. So it was just like, it was just helicopters and it did turn into a riot. I'm not, it was not people of color that started the riot. It was very young skaters.

I saw them with their skateboard smash in the cop cars. Weren't you scared during all that shit? Didn't you feel legit? I was meditated. My boyfriend would come in and I was like, I literally meditated the entire day. He's like, you're still meditating. I was like, are you, you just meditate through the riot? I meditated the entire day as the helicopters were going around.

I was like, I cannot deal with this. I just can't. Yeah. Like if you're into any kind of, and I don't know if you are, but if you're into any kind of like psychedelic, those helicopters just suck. Like I just hate tripping and a police helicopter goes by just every single time. It just feels like a goose walked over my grave. Yeah.

Some things not. Yeah. You're not supposed to know that you're not supposed to be tapping back into that world. Yeah. And you're reminded that's a, you know, there's like a, like people in there with powerful weapons that are living in a completely different reality than yours. Like you're like, you know, you're hanging out, maybe a little stoned watching TV and

they're in a militarized helicopter with their adrenaline pumping zooming over a city where they might have to like get into the gun battles with rioters. It was wild. It was so wild, but at least the homeless people can stay. What is your, what's your take on, on just LA in general right now? Because I, obviously I know people who've left. I know people who've stayed and a lot of the people I know who have stayed, I can't tell if they're just telling me it's fucked up over there to make me feel better.

Cause they know I kind of, I must kind of miss it. Or if it's actually like fucked up over there still. It's like, it is fucked up, but it's very fun and beautiful and nice too. So it's like, I kind of just like don't, they're just my neighborhood in general where the cop cars were burned right in front of my house. Jesus. Um, the cops just don't really like go by anymore. Like they got defunded and they're not there.

So, and, um, so there's like the thing with like the homeless people. I mean, I'm not supposed to call them unhoused, but I feel like that sounds like undead and they all seem very zombie likes. I feel like it's rude, but they are, it's really dangerous. Like it's really not like a safe. It's not just like people that like lost their homes and are just chilling. It's like crazy methodics. Like my citizens app.

I'll just be living a normal life and then all of a sudden I'll go off. I'll be like, a homeless person jumped into someone's backyard stabbed them in the neck and some guys stuck in a palm tree or something. I mean, it's like, so I hate the fucking haps to tell you the crimes, but it was really like, it did just get to be a lot. And it just didn't seem like there was any, like there weren't cops like patrolling or doing anything. So it was just like a little bit.

I don't really go out with my dog alone at night or anything. But other than that. Other than that. It's nice. Things are opening up again. It's like pretty cool. Pretty fun. That's what, that's the part I know.

I felt such intense FOMO when I saw your name on the, those comedy store lineups again. And it was just like, oh, y'all, you might be in a city where like madness is just like everywhere to some degree, but it's almost worth it to perform. Even with the taxes and stuff, it's like, you're paying a price to live in this place. That's kind of like unmatched as far as weather and weird opportunities and weird people working to do things. Yeah. It's really fun.

But I actually was also like a really cool place. I've had really fun times there. It's beautiful. And, and Austin, I haven't really hung out there, but I guess it's fine. Have you, you've been, you've been at. Yeah. I went to Asheville when I was looking for colleges in 2000, maybe or maybe 99. I went with my dad on like a road trip to a bunch to look at a bunch of schools.

Wow. And I went to Warren Wilson. No way. That's where I went to school. You went there? Yeah. That's where I went to school. Oh my God.

That is the weirdest fucking school. I'm like, I look, I aged 10 years and what I learned from two days of like sleeping over there and being a prospective student. What do you mean? What did you learn? It was the weird. Okay. First of all, trans people.

I did not know anything about trans people. Okay. This is 1999. I knew about like cross dressers. I knew about drag queens, but I had no clue. People were like taking medicine to like alter themselves to look to match what they felt inside. It just wasn't a thing that existed in my brain.

I go to Warren Wilson one day. Okay. Yeah. Everyone was like, there were very few, it was like, everyone was like shaved head lesbians like kooky, cool, weird, fringy people, which I was kind of used to from Philly anyway. Yeah. But I got set up with this, this girl named Gretchen. I'm wondering if you were there.

No. How old are you? Are you 40? Yeah. But it did my age. I'm 47, but I was, I, I had, I had, I, I know. I'm so, I am. I thought that 47 is old.

Now we have to be like 47 when I'm old. It's pretty old. I mean, Is it weird? It's old. It's not old. It's middle eight. Well, I mean, I, I, we're trying, I, we have two kids now.

We try not to say, I try not to say it around the kids because my two year old the other day said, I'm getting old. Oh my God. I've already infected him with his neurosis regarding my age. But, um, yeah. So, but whatever you want to call it. I, I, this is something I've realized I've been doing, which is looking at people and thinking they're old.

And then I realized like they're my eight. That's like my age that I'm judging. Whoa. And, but it's, it happens. I mean, what can you, what can you do? It just suddenly, you, you'll see, you'll like one day I'm 37. So when I see what I do is when I look at people that are 37, I go like, I look young and then I'll like ask my boyfriend who's 26.

I'll be like, don't I look younger? And I'll be like, no, she like looks your age. And I'm like, don't I look younger than her? Yeah. And I'm like, no, she looks good. And I'm like, I don't be a feminist right now, bitch. I did that to my wife. She's younger than me.

I showed her a picture of someone's like, do they, I don't look this old. Do I? And she's like, sometimes I know they're just honest. Yeah. They just, but I'm pretty much having her lie to me. What are you doing? But anyway, so, so I got set up with this girl Gretchen who was, I think that was her name, she was really like this very weird, cool, interesting girl who had, she was

wearing a jumpsuit from when she got arrested from something. It was really funny. Like she had like a orange jumpsuit on or maybe just the shoes. I just, this was just like, I mean, I was just going to look at a school. She was wearing a jump. Wait, one second. The jumpsuit was an actual prison jumpsuit that she'd taken home. Yes.

I remember, I think she wasn't wearing the whole thing. I think she was just wearing the shoes she got, which were almost like just like orange vans. And she let you know these are from my prison days. Yes. Wow. And I, she got arrested for like a protest or something. Okay.

And then she, so then she, she also had, I remember this too. She had a x-ray of she got a, she was doing like circus act stuff and she got a nail stuck in her nose cause she was, she would put nails up her nose as like a thing. This is their school. This is your school to me. Okay. So then, and then so when she went and they gave her the x-ray, she just had it in her window, like a stained glass.

Like, I was like, this is awesome. Wow. So you were with someone like who has been in prison, but has also suffered circus. Oh, she was like a mild hippie chick, like cool, like weirdo circus girl. You were definitely a one person. Right. So she then she had a play and she's like, do you want to watch the play or do you want to go with my roommate who was like shaved head?

I remember she had nikes and she had the Nike symbol duct tape. She's like, my parents gave them me for Christmas, but I don't support Nike. So she duct taped the thing. Wow. And my dad, by the way, we might have to believe this, but my dad was like, I remember telling everybody's like, no, you got it. Nike, Nike, like it's just made me laugh so hard. Is your, your dad, did he say that out loud there?

Because if, you know, not to her to me when I was like, yeah, and she was, and he goes, no, you don't see like the thought process. Dad's dad. Come on. He's so funny. It's a, you know, but anyway, so, so then I was like, well, I'll just, I don't really ever, I've never wanted to sit and watch a play in my fucking life, especially not like a school production.

So I was like, I'll go with her. So she was like, yeah, I'm just going to watch this going to this like seminar in the city. So I was like, all right, I'll go. And we went to this like little room and it must have been in like an elementary school was just like this room at night. And there were like people sitting in a semi circle, like in little like desk chairs and horseshoed around four or five trans people.

Really? Okay. And they would be like a, like a speech, just talking about being trans. Were they students or was it, I don't remember. When I was there, I do not remember. And then they just took us to, and she was just going to this like event. So they were just trying to, it was like an info session on like, this is something that happens and.

But it was like, I was looking at someone who was like, I was born a woman and it looked like Louis CK and I was like, I am so confused. It was just like the most impressive mind blowing. I had just never even, I didn't know that there were like meds that could make a woman like bald and grow a goatee. Isn't that wild? That you can do. I mean, it's like absolutely amazing.

And it's, I think it's much easier. Female to male. I think it's easier than male to female. I don't know. I mean, I, I don't know. I've never really looked into the, like what the process is when, if you want to do that, it seems like one of the more impressive things we have in medicine right now that if we want to, we can shift our bodies that much.

It's fucking unbelievable. It is unbelievable. And you know, it's just going to, that technology is going to get better and better and better until it, we're able to do that with other things. You know, it's not going to stop with gender. It's, it's going to keep going with ethnicity. It's going to keep going with, you know, eye color, hair color. I'm sure.

You know. Think about that sometimes. And it is like, she did get like a, like such a fucking everyone came after her. And if you think about it, what she's saying, and she was like, I'm transracial, what she's saying, a very similar thing. Like she really feels like she was born black. That's her identity. It's like they're going to be coming down the pipes.

There are going to be so many interesting, like cultural moments where some group of people pushes back against another group of people taking their DNA into their own hands, so to speak. Cause like it's weird. It really is like frightening and upsetting to people that you, if you don't stay in the body you were born in, they feel like you, there's like this weird genetic predeterminism in their mind. If you're born like this, you must stay that way.

And it's fascinating. Isn't it? It's like it's got a root from a feeling threatened, right? Like a fight or flight feeling like you're what you are. Like if you think of even like KKK shit or like white supremacy shit, it's very like keep us pure. Like, like we, what about our future race? We were like, why are you even thinking that far ahead?

Living the moment. Right. And they're going to be so pissed if suddenly anyone who wants to can shift if somebody decides they want to be a Caucasian for a few weeks, cause that's the other thing about it is it's going to be like, I think one of the right now what like, because the medicine maybe isn't as advanced as it probably will eventually be. I'm no doctor, but I would guess there's like money in anyone who could create

a way that you can transition genders and go back the other way, like in a day or two, like what if it could happen like that? Oh my God, that would be really, that would be very interesting because you would lose like that sort of, this is my culture. This is my identity. I was born into this. This is my tribe. You would lose that kind of, but you would gain understanding how other people

were born in the other tribes. Yeah, just the experience, you know, I don't know what it's like to, you know, walk around as anything other than what I am. I don't know what that's like, but just that, that kind of stuff. And then, you know, it'll probably be for other things too. Like that neural mesh Elon Musk has, like the implications are crazy. I don't know about that. It's all I know is that he's on SNL and they made a safe space for there.

Did you hear that? No, they're making a safe space for all of the people on the actors on SNL. If they're uncomfortable with Elon Musk being there. I mean, this is out of control. He's, wait, why is, what did he do? He's the, so he's the guest on SNL this week and Lauren Michaels or whoever made, um, I saw an article about it. They created a safe space for the employees that aren't comfortable with

Elon Musk are triggered by Elon Musk. What did he say that pissed people off? I don't even know what I think they're Maddie's rich. I don't know. I have no because he's rich that he's like anti-vax. Maybe I don't know. Oh yeah. Right.

Oh, it's probably that it's probably that, um, I don't know. He's like, I really don't pay attention to what people say or do. I'm just trying to have a good life and be happy. darlings. We have a new sponsor and I got to tell you, I am thrilled to present to you. Omegle, but days wait, don't skip. I'm, this is really going to change your life. You know, if you've been listening to the DTFH long enough that I love bedays.

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Get your asses clean and do it for the DTFH. Thank you, amigo. You know, I saw on Reddit just last night. There's a sci-fi book. Those are some real strong words. You know, I saw on Reddit. It's my number one source of all information. I love it.

I love Reddit. I love it. There was a book from I think the 60s or the 50s that was about someone who took over who was like the king of Mars and his name was Elon. So it's really weird that that might be the guy who goes to Mars. But yeah, he's so, you know, he's one of the people right now who for better or for worse is like altering human society in a lot of different ways. I mean, if we get humans to Mars, then that's it's going to I mean,

that's he's essentially like Jesus or something like he's the Mars. Maybe bars will go up in stock. Fuck. Yeah, they will. It'll be cheesy. It'll be one of the like silly things you do when you're sending someone a care package and like, you know what I mean? It'll be like, ah, here's a Mars bar.

And then you'll get him like, oh, dad, come on. Our men from Mars are women from Venus and women from Venus. Oh, there you go. That'll be that when you go to Mars, did you stand up? That'll be like your opener. You'll have it. Do you want to know what I did in Minnesota? Yes.

Do you want to know my opener? Okay. I said, um, hey guys, there were two. One was my do you want to hear the dad joke or the one that I actually can I hear both? Yes. Okay. So my dad joke was why do you call it Minnesota when you call soda pop?

Shouldn't it be menopop? And I was like, do you guys hear that all the time? And they were like, no. And I was like, oh, cause it's like so bad. Nobody said it. And they're like, yeah, we've never heard that. We don't like it. Everyone was just like, so upset.

I was like, I was just just asking that. What's that? I was just curious if you've heard. I go, I was like, is this hacky? Like if you've heard this before and they were like, so shocked that someone would say something so stupid. But I was like, I was just curious. Tell me your other Jeff.

Okay. So then I said, I open up. Usually I said, you know, usually when I'm on the road, I kind of like Google what's going on and an area and what they're known for. And I do some jokes about it, but I'm not touching this one. Minnesota because of George Floyd. Oh, fuck. This is where it's down when I just hold it and they all crack up.

That's cool. It's good. That's scary. That's walking on some state. You're brave. That's as cool as scary places. You're going through, but especially as your opener. Cause that's that thing.

If it doesn't work, that could you're going to have to do like 15 minutes of work because isn't the way this is how I get people to laugh. I read the room. I understand where the tension is and I go straight for the tension. Sure. Yeah, that works. That works a lot, but sometimes it doesn't, you know, sometimes I'm

maybe not, maybe for you, but it works. But for me, sometimes I've gone for the tension and then regretted it deeply or, you know, my attempt at like playing with that energy was not funny enough. And then, oh, nothing. Then now you have an offended crowd. They don't trust you. You can't be nervous when you say something like that.

No, you got to come. I definitely have some like race, like, like race is the topic of some of my jokes. And if I have any sort of like hesitation at all, it's done. Do you, um, what do you have, you know, does it? Do audiences feel different? I mean, you've, you've been performing through a lot of the pandemic. I'm not all the time because the store got shut down very little, very

little, but honestly, but you've been out there a little bit. Have you, can you comment on what it was like performing for audiences? Uh, when it was a, when we were more in the depths of the pandemic versus now, does there seem to be a change in the audience that you're experiencing? It felt so weird because it was such small audiences because they couldn't have that many people. And so the, the shows that I did do were, um, I did some stuff. Whitney Cummings put some, some shows on in her backyard and it was for

like random, like it would be like, it would be like Olivia Munn and then like Amanda Cyrini, who's a influencer with like 225 million five, like just like random people were like, Oh, like just this sort of like, um, Frankenstein audience of Whitney friends, which was really fun. And that was like a really cool, because it felt like such a hang was in her backyard and she's such a pretty place. And you know, just Whitney's just so fucking crazy and like so committed to whatever she's doing.

Yeah. It's just going to be a success no matter what. And so that was really fun. I did a couple of those and that felt really like we're all outside. I don't know. It just felt like excited for like a little treat, like a little party. And then I did some shows when the comedy star was semi open. They were doing shows in the, that window that they have in the OR that

goes out to the front patio. Yeah. They were sitting people in the front patio, but they couldn't have that many people. That was when I saw that, that was depressing. Sorry to cut you off. When I saw that online, I just, that made me feel sad. It seemed like a really brutal way to have to perform, but it was actually

so fun. I thought it was fun because then the loud speaker was going out and it was just fun because sometimes there was like the timing was off. So it was just like, you just had to surrender to the fact that it was going to feel like you were bombing, whether you were bombing or not, because a laugh will come up two seconds after, you know, so you're like, and then they would laugh or you would be onto your next joke and they wouldn't be laughing.

You're like, oh my God, I just, but you kind of missed your bomb too. So you're like, all right. And it was just, it was just a weird, it was just a weird little thing. It was fun. It was like, you know, I think what I've liked about this pandemic is just any sort of illusion of control is just out the fucking window. Like there is no control. So it was a lot of like surrendering to the moment and like, I'm in this

weird situation with the comedy store right now and just enjoying it. It was fun. So, okay. So now you're at work kind of coming out of the pandemic. You were, is this your first time in front of an audience audience since the pandemic started? Yeah. Well, I did, I did an outdoor show.

This is the first time I did an indoor show at the comedy store last week. Okay. Yeah. And it was very fun. Um, different vibe. It was like, so it feels like, you know what it feels like? It feels like a business has closed for the, for the night and you all are the ones that didn't leave.

Like it feels like you've been locked in or something. Right. You know, it feels like, and especially like these shows here because they're in the mall of America. You, and when you walk out, you're literally in like a shutdown mall. Everything feels like easy or something. Fuck. It feels like sneaky.

So it's more exciting. It's like, yeah. It's like, we're like, ooh, we're like breaking the rules or something or we're back, but it's like, are we allowed to be here? Are we going to, is this going to be taken from us again? Wow. It's really cool. But also I'm having a whole nother thing happened because my podcast that I

started with, um, Kalilah and Esther Pavitsky is like blowing up. It should be blowing up. May I just say it's so funny. You and y'all are doing such a good job promoting it when your Instagram clips are so funny. Congratulations. That's it. That is it.

That is a podcast that will blow up because it's hilarious. All of you are just really, really funny and so perfect with each other. And Esther and I have been friends for like, you know, 12 years, getting advice, not talking for years. Like just always kind of, but we just can never deny that we have this fucking dynamic that just works and we just never could find the right glue or whatever. And then Kalilah is just like this fucking gift sent from heaven and she's

just so cool and she just like mixes like both of us. Like she just has like both of our qualities. And so it's just like, all just mixes together so well and the production company is so good and it's just really fun. So it's just like so easy. Like I've never, it just, I'm now realizing like, you know, that's saying that everything good is downstream. No, I've never heard that.

No. Everything good is downstream. So if you're like resisting, it's like you're going towards something that's not even good. And this is just such a downstream. It's just so easy. It's like, don't have to like resist or find anything. So then when did you start it?

We started it. It's like we're on our like 12th episode and it's just like what my shows are filled. I'm like almost selling out, which I never had before and it's all people. They're like yelling out things. I've said, I just never had that experience. You know, I've been doing it like 12 years, but I just never really hit and I, I think during this pandemic, I had to get real with myself on

how that was like me, you know, I was like definitely the one blocking myself and not putting myself out there and being really worried about judgment and which is so crazy because in a sense, that's what our job is, right? Like there's it. We're projecting out into an audience and then they're like letting us know what they think. But I just realized like, and I was very worried about getting

canceled. I don't know. I just was like, and I just had this like epiphany where I was like, if I'm worried about getting canceled or if I'm worried about like people not liking what I'm saying or just being nervous about that, then it's like, I'm just doing a disservice to everyone on the earth. Do you know what I mean? Like what is that?

Why do we need more people that are just like holding back? There's no reason to do that. And holding back for and now I'm not and the whole world is. But yeah, but also think of who you're holding back for. You're you're holding back for a non-existent thing, a phantom that you've invented in your mind, the whatever the canceling person who you're afraid to offend when in general, most of the time when I've directly responded to somebody trying to like seemingly being

corrective with me or something and I've been honest with them. You usually you realize like they actually were either legitimately like their feelings got hurt, but they liked you and they were confused and then you start talking to them and you realize, oh, they weren't trying to hurt me at all. They were just like, you know, speaking up for themselves or they're what they consider to be their position regarding whatever it was.

I'm just saying my image of that is a cruel person. He really doesn't give a shit. Just wants power, wants to shut people down. But then when you most of the time, it's just someone who's like, oh, yeah. Oh, thanks for writing back. Why? You know what I mean?

Or you're like or they're just totally no matter what they're doing, it's just completely about them. It just has nothing to do with you. So it's like I'm out here taking every fucking thing that happens personally. I'm like the wind blows and I'm like, how dare you, right? You know, and it's like why it's like focus on yourself bitch. Just what am I like doing and putting out and like instead of

just I'm just absorbing negativity for no reason. You know, like I got like a DM from someone being like you got chubby and I'm like that's stupid. You know, you have this like moment where you're like, wait, am I going to like take this on? It's like or am I going to realize this is like a fucking also there's a fat slob that's been just fapping to me for just days like he's just got like his hands are bleeding from

jerking off to me. Like he's just and he's just like, oh, I think I know how I'll get her to like think about me and then here I am like talking about in the pockets. But I just I'm just using an example because I got it today and I was like, oh, I no longer that's old me if I were to even take that on. Oh, yeah.

And also I look fertile. You don't look fat. That's just an asshole. But that is women. Y'all have a no, I understand the psychology and I'm like above that feeling. So it's like I can like take that on but then like why am I saying why would I then say if like a social justice warrior

came after me because I said something that she thought was like ableist. Why would I take that on to when it's almost the same fucking thing and it's coming from the same place where it's like I want to have my say and what this person does and I think I speak very freely and I think that that is like triggering for people that don't feel like they can. So why would I then instead adopt what they are dealing with

so that they're not mad at me? You know, like I'll just continue to live freely and like whatever happens happens and trust that that's like the way it's supposed to be and it's all good. Yeah. I mean, I think you know what I mean? Yeah. I also comments.

I mean, what do you like comments are? It's like it's it's Vegas for your ego. Like every time you go into your comments, you're just pulling the slot machine. You don't know what you're going to see. It might be someone saying you're so funny all the time. It's a lot of time. I can like reading comments and I'm like, I'm sorry if you had

a place you could go on the Internet or before telling you like you changed their life and you're this or that and a few of them are like, fuck you, bitch. Hope you die. Can you know, like you would and of course the content ones are the ones to stay with you. But you know, it's like would you not be good look, but it really is like I I'm I'm doing a program where I'm trying to

like retrain my subconscious identity and like working on establishing new habits and stuff. So what program? What it's called the transformation. I was not going to talk about it until I was done with it, but I'm going to talk about it because it's really like fucking unbelievable. It's this guy Jim Fortin who I was listening to his podcast

and there's some things about him. I very much I'm not in a line with but I do like a lot of what he does and it's called the transformational coaching program. I'm writing it down. And it was like way more money. I spent way more money on it than I've ever spent on anything in my life to join this thing, but I just was like so called

to join it. I was like, I got to do this. Is this your first coaching thing like that? Have you done something like this before? No. Well, do you remember you told me about the hundred day challenge? Yes, I do.

I signed up and paid for that two or three times and never opened one email. I know. Fuck this hundred days. I know. But this one, I think I spent so much money on it that it was like, all right, you have to do it. And I just really was ready because I just was realizing

that it's me. It's me. There's no like person I can blame for my life. I just heard the term blame storming. No. Where you bring instead of brainstorming, you're just blame. You're like, who can I blame?

Oh, blame storming back. You're like, who can I place this blame on? Yeah, just like, you know, any sort of unhappiness or disease I have is because of that. It's like, because I'm like, it's such an external locus of control where I'm just like letting these outside sources tell me whether I'm good or I'm bad or I'm like comparing myself to other people always.

It's every every time I'm upset. It's some sort of like outward thing that I'm taking on. So I was looking at my habits and stuff. And so this program is a lot about how like you like don't take on these things that you say you are these identities. It's like, you're just this person that's experiencing these things or like you have done these things and they're just they're things that, you know, you can you can if you

do like enough work on you can shift them. So in the habits section, we've been talking about they say like doing like micro changes or I'm totally misquoting all this stuff, but it's a lot of information all the time. But so like micro changes. So what I realized today I need to do is I'm always like I always go on my phone and when I'm going on my phone, it's like to distract myself like I love like talking to my friends

and FaceTiming with my family or my friends and my boyfriend or someone like all day. And you know, I'm looking at like what am I committed to in my life like his whole thing is like whatever you have in your life is like what your habits are. It's like what you've created it. So I'm like, okay, that resonates with me and I do feel like I spend a lot of my time on the phone and it's not

like I don't like it. I'm having fun. I'm laughing, but it's like I'm committed to my communication and stuff, but I could just be committed to getting my work done and then like having a little communication on the side. Yeah, every time I'm going to call someone I'm like thinking about it, am I calling them because I have something I

really want to say or that I want to have this like moment of this burst of joy with my friend or is it because right now I know that the thing would benefit the goals I have would be to sit down and like work on this audition and I'm not doing it. So now every time I touch my phone, I'm like making myself stop and the little micro habit is to sort of address like what am I touching my phone for?

That's brilliant. That's brilliant because it might be a micro habit, but fuck over time, like evading whatever that learned to Wow, that's so and you've been how long you've been doing that? The touch in the phone. Yeah. I came up with that about 10 minutes before this call.

Okay. Yeah. See, that's the problem is now I'll stick to it. You know what I'll just try to do it. I would my one of my friends was telling me he was reading some book by like a Tibetan monk who was saying habits are like when you know, like when a receipt is rolled up or when a piece of paper is rolled up and you push it down and then

it comes back up. That's what a habit is and you have so you have to keep pushing it down and if you do it long enough, it'll stay down, but it takes, you know, there's actually I think there's science behind how many days it takes to create. Yeah, I've heard 27. I've heard 90 days. I just you know, it's actually for me.

It's six days. I've been studied. Wow. You're in a wooden being. Yeah, it's only six. It was seven, but now it's six. Yeah, but honestly, you really could just decide that and have it be that you really could just decide now that I break

my habits in six days. And then because you said it's true, it just is true. You know, I don't know. My problem with this stuff is I will get into it and when I get into it, I'm in it and then at some point I'll just wake up in the morning like fuck that. I'm not going to do that. And then it's then I just like lose it.

I hate that because it's very frustrating. It was cute when I was like in my 20s, but now I don't know how much time I've got left. Have you ever seen, have you ever, this is the most horrific like this is gangster. If someone has one of these at our age, at least our age and your age, my age and your age. Thank you.

It's a big deal. You know, age fucking they have stoic calendars where you, they put like a hundred little like dots on it. Yeah. And then it's like, and they'll break it down from like years to day to weeks or to months to days. So then they have as many weeks as there is in a life of a hundred years and you check off where you're at.

I mean, it makes you, I'm like, that to me is too much pressure. If I sold that when I was fucking 17, maybe. Yeah. And then each day when you see how much life you have left and it's like, that's that's too much. That also there's a, you know, anytime anybody really lets themselves believe they're going to live the average human lifespan.

It's like, that's kind of optimistic, you know, like probably not like, especially like, if you look at how things can change globally in a second, including human lifespans, really you think you're going to live to be a hundred. Give me a fucking break. You need to like go to the like probably around 90 and just generally gray out everything past 90 anyway, because you're going to be, you're going to be pretty confused mostly.

Your brain is going to be all fucked up. You have to have that in your head too. So you're going, even though I'm working towards this, it's less. They might have it as the average lifespan too. I don't know, but it's just so, and it's interesting because my dad's 79. So like he's like going through this sort of like transitional

time where he's just, you know, surrender to his age and what's going down and stuff. And it's interesting. He's got a very good sense of humor about it and it's just interesting to watch and I'm just trying to not like attach myself to anything and is your dad a Quaker? My parents brought me up quicker, but my dad was never quicker. My dad's, I think he had like found God in the military, but

then he would never even talk to us about it. Whoa, you have a military dad. But barely. It's like barely. My dad's just this sort of like fucking hilarious, like shiny little light. I don't know. He's so funny.

He just, and he was very angry when he was, like when I was younger, he was working. He just didn't ever want to work for other people and he just, you know, had ADD and just couldn't get his work done and all this self shame and all this stuff. And he just has like, you know, I always feel like people when you get older, you have like the choice to like go in or go out and he and my mom both just like are just becoming

so great and so happy. Like, I saw them. We all got vaccinated and I got to go see my family and we're staying in a hotel when we're visiting my nieces. My dad's like his balance is an issue now. So he's like bumping into walls and my parents are just cracking up every time he bumps into wall. They just start like hysterically laughing.

They just have such a good sense of humor about everything. And it's just really like, it's nice to see and I've also really come to terms over this, this break, I guess that we've been on that like these moments in my life where I'm just so much like my parents and you know, people say there's like a negative thing. I just like love it. It's just so funny.

I just like the way I binge eat and like, I don't know. They're just like things that that, you know, I've made wrong before and I'm like watching my family and it's, you know, so many of my fun members of my family and my parents like fighting over icing and stuff and shoving cake down garbage disposals and stuff just like just laughing and just being naughty, eating gummy bears with my dad and stuff like, and so then I'm like thinking about it in my life.

I've like created this thing I need to change and I'm looking at it and like, I see it in my own life. Like my boyfriend will get Oreos and he'll like hide them up tall because I asked him to keep him away from me and then he'll like come into the kitchen. I have like a knife and I'm like trying to get them down, you know, and then he's like grabbing my wrist like knocking the thing out of my hand like wearing like a slasher film and

I'm just laughing harder than I've ever laughed in my life and I'm just like, I'm absolutely 100% my parents like this is so crazy, but it's like an honor. You know, I love it. Do you, they must be so excited for you though. That must be really to get to share. It's so funny. Yeah.

What they're because they they're probably watching your podcast online. If I'm very proud of you and they're probably really getting like really happy because it is at least for, for, I know it was very hard for my parents that I decided to be a comedian like that was a stressor for them and it's such an uncertain job to pick up, you know, it's so uncertain. No matter, no matter what, even if you're the funniest human

on earth, you know, there's still things that could go wrong. There's still, you know, wrong turns you're going to make. They could end up with you giving up or whatever, but it's must be so can you talk about that a little bit like what are they, how are they doing now that they're seeing, you know, your podcast start taking off and you're, you know, you're able to tell them, holy shit, people are coming to my shows and calling out stuff from my podcast.

How are they responding to that? They're just really happy. I mean, my parents have always been really supportive, like maybe in the very, very, very beginning when I told them they were like, no, but I mean, it really comedy has always made me so happy. Even when I was upset, it was just like, it was just something that I was able to dedicate myself to and work really hard

at and just really enjoyed. So my parents were just fucking happy that I found something, you know, because before I was like a go-go. I mean, I was doing crazy things. My dad just happy I'm not on a podium dancing. You were a go-go dancer? Which they would have supported me dancing. I was a go-go dancer for a little bit.

How long? All right, dad's like, do you just want to borrow money? Do you want to borrow money? Just for like a summer when I was 24, maybe 21 or maybe I was 21. No, I was 21. I just turned 21. So, okay. So then Santa Fe in Mexico.

I have a few questions for you about comedy, but just because you mentioned being a go-go dancer and it's something a couple of times I've walked into a place and there's go-go dancers and can you maybe talk a little bit about the distinction between a go-go dancer, a professional dancer and like a stripper? What are the, what's the difference? Oh, okay.

So go-go dancer at the place that I worked was you just wore kind of like, you could wear whatever you want. They didn't tell me what to wear, but I wore like a little mini skirt and like knee-high boots and I would wear like a shirt that like showed my bra and like those fake like chicken cutlets look like a big boobs like glitter, fake eyelashes. Right. And you just had these podiums and you would just dance on

them and people, it's funny because they did hire a stripper and she would come up like pasties and I faked it and she was like taking tips and stuff. And I was like very like kind of disgusted by all of it. Like I was, I would be like on the podium like don't look at me, you're objectifying me. I remember the, there was these two gay guys, a gay couple that go in the club and they were like, you don't have, I'll be

crying and like they're all like looking at me and they're like, you don't have to work here. Right. You're not a steward, you're a slave. Oh yeah. I was sweating. I was sweating. My chicken cutlets would like, you know, like rise up, people

like, we can see your thingies. Were you getting tips? And you just like dance and people like, I never want, yeah, they would tip you. I didn't really like that. Like the owners would tip me 50 bucks. I made 50 bucks an hour and then the owners would give me like 50 or a hundred.

And I didn't like when people gave me tips, but I also like, that's, that's also like a money pattern that I'm working on now that's, I've just kind of worked on releasing and now I'm just fucking like a money bag. It's crazy. I just went from like no money to just like I opened my, I came back from vacation the other day. It was like two days before the end of the month.

And I've been living in this apartment with construction because someone had bought the building and they are going, they were buying some of the people out. So I've been waiting for this payout from this building. Oh yeah. And you know, thinking I'm going to get like 30 to 80 grand. Yeah. Right.

So I've been waiting and they, they are just doing construction and all of the things are. So for a year during the pandemic, when I'm trapped in my house, I'm in hell. There's just pounding all day. That sucks. It's insane. There's dust everywhere.

It's dirty. God. And I didn't leave because I was like, I need this money. I'm broke. I need this money. Right. Like just living in this really like weak victim place where I'm like, I'll just stay in here.

I got an ulcer. Like I was sick. I was sick from this place. I was getting headaches. Like it was just really, really bad. So I did all that. And then my boyfriend and I went, we saw our family, got our vaccine, saw our family.

It was like such a cool, beautiful time, so much fun. And then we come back to this shithole. Right. And we're walking up our parking and gotten taken away. Like that. And then they were doing construction on the street too. So we had to park like really far away. It's a really homeless neighborhood.

So it's like, we're walking through like not a great. I don't, it's not a place I want to walk alone anymore. So it's like we're parking. It just like felt like hell, right? Yeah. And for a year we've been doing this. We walk up after a beautiful time and our whole front building is boarded up.

They've now like started doing even more construction and we're just like laughing. It's like, and then the streets torn up right in front of our apartment. We're like, we just look at each other like we're fucking out of here. I don't care what we have to do. This is, we're not spending one more fucking month here.

Yeah. So then we go like fuck the bar. We go to the mailbox. I open the mail. There's a fucking letter from the IRS and I'm like, oh my fucking God, are you kidding me? Seriously? Of course I'm going to have to pay for the thousands of dollars

for something behind my taxes. Yeah. Fuck. And like, I'm like, thank you mommy. You know, and then I go, wait, I spent a lot of money on this fucking course I'm taking, right? So I got to listen to like those things. So I like, I just thought about it and I, I was like, all right,

I'm just a person experiencing this anxiety. I'm not an anxious person. I'm just, it's running through me and I'm just, I don't know what's going on. I'm attaching an outcome to something that's not there. Yeah. And I was like, I'm just going to choose that I'm a money magnet and that I, I get money.

I opened the fucking letter. It's a, I didn't claim one of my tax returns in 2018. It was $6,000. Wow. So I went from feeling like I had zero dollars and I want money to $6,000. Wow. And we, I told my friend and she's like, oh, my friend Rachel

just found this really cool place in Venice that's like, it just, they just found this place by the beach that's like protected as 24 hour security. It's like totally beautiful. Yeah. We went, made our appointment and moved in two days later. Wow. And it's like beautiful.

We're so happy. Our dog. There's a, we have a dog park right there. It's just like perfect. Amazing. And I was just staying there because I need this payout. I need this. You, I mean, that toxic environment.

LA is hard enough. LA being a comedian is really scary. And like so many things like that happen. Just suddenly your life gets completely just smashed down by exactly what you're saying. You're fucking apartment building. Some, some, for me, usually it was definitely bad decisions I made.

Like, I don't need to pay these parking tickets. What's the big deal? Then your car is gone or some shit. And they, then you have no car. Then you have no car and you really do experience to me what really, what I like that you're describing it as hell because it's like something about being in Los Angeles, you know, having like advert like extreme fucked up adversity.

You know, for me, roaches in my apartment that I couldn't afford even though it was only like $600 a month mixed in with. Only roaches in my apartment get smoked. It's very cruel. You shouldn't do that. I mean, I know they're bugs, but they feel when you're burning but the, yeah, but you, they get pretty high. But yeah, it's just, I can remember having more than a few brushes

with that LA reality and thinking this is hell. I can't think of anything worse than this. It's not like literally flames, but at least flames are consistent. You know, this is more like just some perfect combination of fucked up things. An up a pandemic, an apartment where they're doing renovation during a pandemic, not having enough money. So it's almost like you went through some kind of initiation or something. Yeah, but I also kind of realized like I could have left that place at any time

like I really like imprisoned myself and if you look at like, you know our fucking good friend is one of the richest people like alive who is like, he's a good dude. He's just like us. It's like, if he can do those things, why can't it's like, I look at that and I'm like, Oh, there's like a mindset and I feel like with Rogan and even with like with me and stuff and my friends that have a lot of money. Yeah.

They're just like looking at the pitch like come up. What are you doing? Right. I remember I used to open for Rob Schneider. And he's like, the door is open and he stepped into it. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I don't understand. He's like, step in.

We all want you here. Like come here. Yeah. And I didn't understand what he meant. It is like, I didn't realize how much I was like really needing and realizing that I was like committed to a roller coaster. And the thing you were saying about how when you get really into those programs and stuff and then you like pop out, I like live for that roller coaster.

Why did we start doing comedy? It's a fucking roller coaster, right? Like I like have committed my life to these ups and downs and stuff. And I've always, I was like being a waitress. I always like things where it's like, I didn't know. So I need to accept responsibility for the fact that that's like something that I've like gotten off on. Like that's something I've actually aimed for.

Right. And now that I'm like a little bit older and getting more comfortable with myself, I would like the comfort of having money. Like I would like to be able to have steady money coming in and get rid of those worries. I also was thinking because you know, I have a lot of like so much of my life is my connection with my dad. And I realized too during the pandemic that I think a lot of the times when I would run out of money, I was doing it almost subconsciously on purpose because my dad would always save me.

It was always this like experience of, and that's sort of one of my like childhood wounds was that my, I didn't feel like my parents like protected me, but they always did as far as like, I always had clothes, a house over my head. Like I always was like taking care of financially and that sort of stuff. So I think I was, it was like a way to stay connected to my dad. So you feel that feeling of him saving. And once I realized like, yeah. Are you in therapy?

Did that come from therapy or just from contemplation? No, it came from like just meditating. And, you know, before the pandemic, I had started doing ayahuasca. I did it like two times and that like, I kind of got a lot of lessons from that. Like, I don't really have an urge to do it again right now, but I'm still kind of reaping the benefits of the lessons I learned in that. And a lot of it was like, I remember it's so funny. This is actually really weird.

My last ayahuasca trip, which was like in maybe May before the pandemic. And I asked this question to mother ayahuasca before I did it, the ceremony. I said, what do I need to do to bring my career to the next level? Like, I know I have what it takes, but like, how do I like put this into place? And in my, in my trip, I had this vision of I was like, I need to bring my female audience up. Like I got the guys already and now I need to do something for like the girls. And I literally saw a vision. It was like Powerpuff Girls, like three girls, like me and two other girls just like working together

and kind of like, it's like rainbows and unicorns. I didn't even realize it until like really recently that that's like exactly what the podcast is. And it wasn't like I was going for this or trying to do everything. It was just like some of this lesson I learned. And another thing was I had just been at my niece's house and my sister-in-law is so good at teaching my niece's structure, which is something that I lacked in my childhood. So it like she, I was, it was, I was so like blown away by them just being taught to like flush the toilet, put the seat down, go pull the stool over, stand up, wash their hands, dry their hands,

turn the light off, close the door. I was like, oh my God, that's something I don't do. You know, my fucking, there's always floaters in my toilet and I'm fucking almost 40, right? So I'm like, oh my God, like this is incredible. I'm like so impressed by these basic things because I realize the freedom it gives them in the rest of their lives, right? To have this sort of like simple ingrained, just like you just automatically do it. They don't have to think about it. So that also came up in my hallucination where it was like, just wash your hands bitch, like shut the lights off,

like just like get yourself in order because I think I was using this chaos as a way to keep myself in a smaller place where I felt more comfortable and like didn't think people could like get me or whatever, or whatever my reasoning for not doing this or living my fullest. But so then it's like, so now I'm at this hotel and this is the first time I've been on the road where I'm like, oh maybe I'll just keep my place nice because usually I just dump it out. I even like will leave the pee in the toilet on purpose to like assert my dominance over the room, you know? Yeah. And I just like, I just weren't ready for this call.

I was like, oh, I have a couple minutes. I'll just tidy up and I just like folded everything. Doesn't that feel like, oh, that feels so weirdly good to do that. And it's such a powerful thing to be in a hotel. And to, you know, I generally when I go in a hotel, I destroy, I don't, I don't even know what's happening. I destroy it. But there's a fun in that, right? There's almost like an excitement in that.

I don't know. It's like rockstar. I'm gonna fucking trash this bitch. It's, I mean, when I'm leaving my hotels, I'm thinking to myself like, if someone like, there was a contest and someone asked you to destroy a hotel like this, you wouldn't be able to. You know, you could, it requires like such high levels of complete unconsciousness, basically, you know? Or you're just like, how did one of my socks end up like on top of a thing? And then the other sock ended up in a couch cushion that I didn't sit on.

What am I doing? But if you, but I was interviewing Tom Papa and he said something really simple that stuck with me, which was if you are, if you're just being mindful when you're doing things, like if you're there, it always tends to be better. You know, it's like when you go into that unconscious sort of autopilot state, that's when everything gets scattered around you. And I, you know, for me, when I, I came, I came out of a lifetime of that, like my life was the hotel room. My life was scattered everywhere and madness and insanity. You know, yeah, that's something we do to ourselves. I don't know.

Like it also was fun. Like I don't want to like knock this like way I've been living. Like it's been fun to trash everything and it's been fun. Like I'm a fucking mess and I'm, you know, I'm, I'm this and I'm that. But it's like in the end, it's, you know, for me right now, when I look at the things that I want to do, if I just put a little bit of order in, it just makes it a little bit easier. And just like that whole idea of like not having enough time is something I always felt. Like it's almost like I would like set myself up for failure by wasting my time or throwing my stuff around.

And then I can't find my things. And I'm like, I can't make it because my, um, do you need to get it? I can't. Is that an emergency? Do you need to get that? Is that something related to your show? I don't answer it. The internet is a swamp and your computer is like some bloated, massive, blood filled swamp pig.

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That's ExpressVPN.com slash Duncan and you can get an extra three months free. ExpressVPN.com slash Duncan. I can't. When something like that is happening, it's hard for me to concentrate because I will think it's, oh my God, it's the worst. Who knows what it is? My mind goes nuts. Yeah, I'm fucking over those feelings. I'm not doing that anymore.

I love it. So when I came on this, wait, can I just tell you when I came on this fucking, okay, so I've been doing this course, right? Where I'm like, really realizing I read this book called the power of the subconscious mind, which is a little gaudy. So you have to like not play into that part. But the thing that this guy, the author, if I can't remember the name, the thing that he sort of presented the idea was his hypothesis was that you are the creator of everything in the whole universe, right? So like your brain has created every single thing here, which I'm like, okay, that I actually can like understand that. So then when I'm going to do these shows, right? Like I did my first like outdoor show in front of a real audience that wasn't the comedy store in Venice.

And I was driving in there, sort of get that like old panic that I would get. And then I'm like, I'm choosing this panic. Like there's no other thing in the earth that's giving me this panic except me. And so I was like, I'm just going to choose that I'm going to have the best time. And I now I go into my shows without like, with no attachment to an outcome and like in the moment. And it's like, I can handle any heckler. Like there's just nothing like that. And I know I work better in the moment too.

I work better when I'm just laser like in the moment. Yes. So it's just like, there's no reason for me to do that. I script and all of a sudden I'm like the script comic. I'm not, I've never been that person. Right. Right. So like, I'm not going to be one of those people like I get this joke and this joke.

So that's like this panic. When I came here, I've done so much work on myself and not like having that feeling. I started to have a complete meltdown before my shows. Like, Oh my God, are the numbers going to be good? Oh my God, I was thought I leveled up, but I didn't level up and I'm back here again. And I'm going to have to borrow money from my parents and like, oh, like, you know, just like went through all the negative things. And it was just like, all right, stop, stop, stop. And I was like doing the best I could to be like, all right, read, like, read, like redirect yourself, like look at something else.

And I was able to kind of calm myself down. And then when I got to the show and it was like just the best show ever and all these people were there to see me. And it was just like really like a very loving, fun, cool experience. I was like, that is dead. Like I will never let myself have that anxiety again. Like I'm never going there. It's I'm the university has already told me enough times that it's not going to happen. So the only way the show is bad is if I decide it's going to be bad.

Right. It's the only way. Wow. Because even like, look at Bill Burr getting booed off. That was one of his best shows. One of the best. Yeah, that's one of his most monumental. He was already on the map.

But that was that was the thing that like that was everywhere. Everyone watched that. And it was so brilliant what he did. But you know, this what you're saying reminds me of something that my meditation teacher study with this teacher called Chogym Trumper Rinpoche. And he was Alan Ginsberg's, I guess you could say guru, basically Alan Ginsberg, the poet. Oh, and so Alan, Alan Ginsberg at one point Alan Ginsberg was like comparing their travel. Like Chogym Trumper Rinpoche is like speaking engagements and Alan Ginsberg was going around reading his poetry and Ginsberg's bitching about it to Chogym Trumper. He's like, oh, you know, all these fucking shows and Chogym Trumper said to him, you don't like your poetry.

You don't like your poetry. And Alan Ginsberg's like, wait, what are you? Don't tell me about my poetry. How could you say that? And he said, why don't you just go on stage and write your poetry there? Don't you trust your mind? And it was like, blew my mind as a comment because it's like, yeah, it's like what you're talking about is the flow. And when you get there accidentally, which I think a lot of comedians get there accidentally.

And maybe we try to reverse engineer it, you know, like, well, I was kind of stoned. I had two beers. I exercised that day. And so maybe that's why it worked that time. And then when you see you invent all these things, I think what you're talking about is just you just have to be there. Like you just trust and it's like, yeah, I have these books that I wrote, but I don't have to get to them and they don't have to land a certain way. Like I just could be like, read the room and do what I do, which is cut the tension. I just have to like what I do.

And it's like you and then you're building an experience with these people. And yeah, I just because it's true. Like if I'm having it's because I don't like my jokes. It's like if I don't like my jokes, because I remember asking my friend Hannah Fidel is this really successful. She's a screenwriter and she made some movies. She did. I was a was in her movie The Long Dumb Road on Netflix and I was in it really short, but it was good. Super cool.

Good. And yeah, and she like she wrote the show a teacher that was on FX like she's just very successful. And I met her in a coffee shop years ago in New York and I just always admired her work ethic and stuff. And I was like, how do you write? Like how do you just sit down and write? And she's like, any I love doing it. And I was like, well, okay, but yeah, but then I got it. It's like, oh, yeah, you just everything good is downstream.

Like you just go with the light. Like you don't have to make everything so fucking hard. Right. I'm just getting my flow. It's like you don't have to just make everything so fucking difficult all the time. And then because you know the comics we get into like such blame where it's like, you know, why did that person get that thing? It's like so gross. Yeah.

I, you know, like do what makes you happy. I think if I say it's going to be easier to write. I was really too good. I'm sorry. No, you go ahead, please. I was just going to say like I was realizing that what I was doing with money is what I was doing with jokes to like where I was like living out of like the lack of money and being like I'm broke and thinking about what I don't have and what I need to pay for and like panicking. And then in that time taking up all that space, right? Like cluttering or like destroying the hotel.

That's our brain with that shit. Yes. Rather than being like, oh, where are these active solutions? They're so easy. Like let me look out the window. It's a beautiful day. Like I don't need my room to be trapped. You know what I mean?

Like I can just like come up with solutions. So then what I was doing with jokes was I would have this panic if I don't have enough jokes. I've a lack. It's impossible to write jokes when literally I'm spitting jokes out to everyone all day. If I can do that, why am I being less myself? Right. Like it's so now I just every time everything was hard and I was realizing where I quit is very quickly. Right.

Like the minute something gets hard because when I was a kid, my mom used to write my papers for me. No. So the minute I would have like discomfort, someone would come in and see me. Yeah. So I think I got addicted to that. Like, oh, if I quit this thing when it hurts, I'll get saved. And then when that stopped happening, it just was addicted to the quitting thing when it hurts. And then I would get saved by like TV or internet or something.

So then now whenever I feel that way, I just go, I just go, it's easy. It's easy. It's easy. And then it is easy. Yeah. I know, you know, that I have enough time. If you're robbing yourself of that feeling, which a lot of people do, it's the learning curve. The learning curve fucking sucks.

You know, it sucks. And it's, it does hurt. And I feel like it's okay to admit this is this hurts. The reason it hurts is because we like to be in control. And if you're, if you're like encountering the learning curve, you're, you don't have the same control you have as like, and just shit you do all day long, like driving or walking or whatever. But I mean, I think the reason, like if you were to spread out the human population, only a much smaller percentage of humans have like skills, like being able to play piano.

I mean, a lot of them do, or being able to do comedy or being able to be a great go-go dance or whatever. And the reason that is, is because the moment they started feeling uncomfortable, they just stopped. They tried to, because I think when you're saying go downstream, you don't mean like abandon things that are difficult. You mean go towards the things that you love, even if it hurts. I mean, like nothing's difficult really. Like if something's really difficult for you, like if something's like really, really, really difficult, like there is a chance maybe, and not even that the thing is bad that you're doing, it's just the way you're approaching it. It's like, I realized I was just coming so aggressively at everything all the time, like just assuming,

I used to just like go on stage and just assume they hated me. Wow. And I'd be like, all of them. Like what is fucking wrong with me? That is crazy. I didn't like myself. I've seen your stand-up, I would never in a million years guess that you had walked on stage thinking the audience, I've seen you kill, what, almost every time I've seen you.

Like in the main room, sometimes late at night, those are hard. That can be a very difficult crowd. And maybe that's just my own thing, saying it's difficult. But I've seen you in front of crowds that I would have been supremely intimidated by, just crushing. So it's interesting to hear that that's how you were approached. I, in the main room, the main room was a whole thing for me that I had to conquer. Like the main room was just like the hardest. I used to have panic attacks like all day.

Like I would just like, oh my God, oh my God, the main room, fuck I have a main room. And then I would have to like completely block out that I had a main room. I'd be like, bitch, you just have a show. It's not the main room, it's just a show. Hold on, just one second. For folks listening, let me explain the original room. It's like a smaller room, the belly room even smaller. The main room, it looks like a cross between like that scene with David Lynch and Twin Peaks.

And like, you know, something in like some weird Vegas thing, but also like maybe a Marionette theater. Like it's all these weird things combined together that make it this occult chamber that is can be quite terrifying. So I know what you mean. The main room is like, you feel like you're in a dream or something. But when you're in the pocket in the main room, it's like, there's nothing better. It's like crazy. When you're just like, everything you're saying is just like, it's like waves of laughter.

It's like, oh my fucking God. It's like unbelievable. But it really like, it took me a long time. Like it really did take me a long time. And I've seen a lot of great, like I remember Tim Dillon used to always struggle in there. Like it's like when he first started, he was just killing everywhere. But it just is there's something that's like intimidating about it. Oh, I've eaten just hot bowls of shit in there.

Hot bowls of shit in the main room. Big hot bubbling bowls of devil's shit in front of all these people in this beautiful room. And you're just like, what if, what am I? If I can't make people weird? Is it that we let like a room like be more important than our physical beings in the fucking room? We like let our room haunt us. Like that's where I think the ghost song. All the fucking bombs we like ourselves have.

And I always think so. That's what's haunting the comedy stories. The ghosts of like, I don't know. We'll see if Jeff Scott comes in. I'll believe there's ghosts. I can't believe we lost Jeff. What an annoying thing to have happened. I'm like, Jeff.

I just never, I always thought he'd be here. I mean, that's someone I just, that one was, that was a brutal. I mean, that was in the midst of the pandemic to hear that. I just, if he had killed himself, I would have been out of my mind. I'm just glad he didn't kill himself. Me too. Well, okay. Now wait, I have a little bit back and we've done an hour and eight minutes.

Do you have a little more time? I will just, I'll talk to you till I'm done. Thank you. Okay. So you, you, you were talking about when they boarded up your apartment, you got that check from the IRS, but you also mentioned like, it's like you stepped through or you made a decision there. And it seems like ever since that decision, you've been experiencing

like almost like you're in a different universe or something. Like you're, is, so that's safe to say. Yeah. So wait, I want you to maybe tell people what you mean by that, because it's a very confusing thing when you hear it for the first time. And some of my most successful friends would say different versions of that. And when I, when I was in a lack situation, I would generally like roll my eyes at it or just feel frustrated by it.

You don't understand what it's like to be poor, but they really don't anymore because they're, they have gone to another. But they were, and they did it. And, but, but it was just to me when you hear someone talk about it as though it were a portal or something, like it's, there are a decision you can make to move from one version of your life where you're struggling to another version of your life where you're not struggling. It sounds like wishful thinking.

It sounds like it just are new age, like, you know, visualization shit. You're, you feel like you're going to be disappointed if you believe it. And yet my own experience with that is like, it's true. Somehow it's true. Well, I think like, okay, so I was talking to Rogan on the phone yesterday and he was like, um, he's like, you got to keep doing your solo pockets. You got to make sure you go to solo pockets too. And I was like, yeah, I know, but it was like my apartment and he was like,

I'm just hearing a lot of excuses. I love you rich man. And, um, cause I really sort of like had that epiphany where I was like, as much as it's been weird to be like this person where my peers now in comedy are all like, so financially, like just killing it. And I'm like living, I remember like one of my first like, when I first heard becoming friends with Rogan, I was like, we were in the parking lot at the college and I was like, I live in my car

and that's like one of your 13 cars. Like, can you help me understand that? Yeah. And he was just like, do you have a podcast? And he's like, he just was like, ask me questions. It's like, when I realized like it really just does come down to excuses and blocking yourself and a victim mentality. Like I just have to make sure I never, every time I go into the victim thing,

I just shut the fuck up because it's just doesn't serve anyone. It doesn't serve me. It doesn't serve anyone. It's just like useless time. It's useless. It's just wasting time. It doesn't do anything. It's absolutely useless.

I mean, it served me to like feel like, like, oh, I'm special because I don't have that or whatever, you know, like, oh, like, you know, and I didn't have to do work. I didn't have to do the hard stuff. And now that I realize that the hard stuff is actually easy. It's like, well, the hard stuff is way easier than not doing it. Exactly. Well, someone was saying in my program, they were like, I can't,

I think it was the guy that wrote, it's a quote from like the guy who wrote chicken soup in the soul or whatever, didn't write it, but put it together. But he said like being committed 99% being committed 100% to something is easy. Being committed 99% is like really hard. If you think about it like it's so much like because I do agree with like it's so much harder to feel it's so much harder to like not get your work done than it is to get your work done. What's the Jesus?

Talk about this because we'd be like, oh, God, what's the Jesus quote? And you know, the house that is divided among itself cannot stand. It's like, you can't be divided in there. I'm sorry to cut you off again. It's just because we have a little bit of lag. And so there's a tiny little bit of lag, which is why it's happening. I'm so sorry. So you were mentioning something that you were saying with Esther.

Sorry. No, that's okay. Okay. Esther Duncan, you're like one of my favorite little balls of light. You'd never have to apologize for anything. I absolutely adore you. Likewise. You're so special.

But anyway, so Esther and I were we have always like we would like call each other like we need to write jokes and like, oh, like dreading our spots and stuff. We would just talk about it all the time. And like Esther, I feel like we have convinced ourselves that complaining about doing our work is work. And it kind of was like, it's like the amount of time we just felt like it was. And then we felt like we'd worked on our jokes because we could.

And it is, it's hard to work. It's hard to work. Then just you just get it done. You're on to the next thing. You don't even think about it again. Yes. And I'll, you know, remember before you became like this, you would meet people who are like this and there was something scary about them.

The people who just did, you know, so you would hear them say they were going to do something and then they would just do it. And if you were like us, that was almost like, it was terrifying. You almost feel like you'd be like, oh, like, fuck you. Like, what did you, oh, you must have brought up rich or something. You must have been like, you kind of like make it like they had it easier than you or something, you know. Well, yeah.

Cause it's not appeal. Like especially, you know, naturally you will, if you anything, just like what your is saying, which is like, if you look around you, you see a cloud of decisions that you've made. And that's what you're surrounded by. And so, you know, if, if like you haven't learned this shit yet and a lot of people haven't, you will find yourself around other people who haven't learned it. And so then you'll get into the symphony or the chorus of victim hood, the victim

course. You're hanging out with everybody and all of you are just talking about how awful everything is and how terrible the world is and how everyone's out to get you. It's not fair. And the whole thing's falling apart. And God, you remember the old days when people weren't like this. And you know what I mean? And then like you, so it's like a, in witchcraft, they talk about the coven, you know, you

gather together and you do your incantations. But there, that is literally what that is. It's an unconscious coven where you're casting the victim spell. And like, and you know what I mean? And there's always in those groups, the greatest victim. You know what I mean? The King victim and everyone else is like sort of subsidiary victims. So that King victim is always getting the most help from the other people who are

like, wow, you really are a victim. I'm a victim, but holy shit, you're the most victim. They lead those groups. So whenever you're going like, oh, I am a victim of things, but this person's a worse victim than me. So instead of like taking care of my own life, like I'm going to make them my project because they need me so much. And then like such a good person, I have nothing, but it's because I've devoted myself

to helping this other victim. You know what I mean? It's, it is tear. And then if you do that long enough, you'll start realizing that the help, nothing's changing about them at all. So the help is being sort of absorbed because they don't really want to change because if they change their entire victim. Another Bible quote.

What? Don't throw pearls at swine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. In real life, probably. So I'm like, what are you doing with my pearls? But yeah, this is the. I'm going to show you. It's these little, you know, I, we, we were sort of briefly deeming about this new cult that came out. The love is one cult and cults are so fun.

Anytime you hear about them, there's fun to explore because, you know, I like them because whenever I'm reading about them, like, I could easily get into that cult. Like, you know, catch me at the right time. It's a really good point. So I was like, Oh, right. And you get, do you take away some of it? Oh, that's actually pretty smart. But those are like conscious cults.

And I think it's almost better to be in a conscious cult than to be in an unconscious cult, you know, with a group of people hypnotized by some prime victim who's like got them all like hypnotized and imagining they're doing some remarkable service when really all that they're doing is being fed upon by a kind of psychic vampire. But they would never call what they were in a cult, but it's no different. It's like, you've got the leader, this depressed fuck up. You've got this bizarre, sycophantic circle of people who are so hypnotized by their tragic story that they're like the whole life.

It's just what you're saying. They can procrastinate working on their own shit by constantly bang or helping or just listening to this generally a dope complain about everything. And it's a cult. It's a fucking cult. I know it well. And so yeah, once you get out of that, it's just like getting out of a cult because sometimes they'll try to keep you from getting out just like a cult.

They're sticky. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do know what you're talking about. It's so funny because I did the landmark forum. My parents do it and I did the landmark forum like years ago and I felt like really like halted like because you would do it and then they'd be like, bring your friends, bring your friends, bring your friends. And that's why I've been so cautious to not even bring up this program I'm doing because

I have a lot of like, I'm just like PTSD from that. Yeah. Experience and it helps people that's great, do landmark, whatever. But for me, it was like, you know, I don't ever want to feel like I'm not. In pat and control of myself. And so with this program, it's like really important that while I'm taking in all this information stuff, I'm putting it through my own filter because I don't ever want to just like agree 100%.

Like there's some things he said where I'm like, totally disagree with, you know, so it's like, it just, that's important too because you could just wake up one day and you're like, Oh, I'm in a fucking cult. Oh yeah. That's how I felt with landmark. I was like, Oh my God. I don't have my own thoughts in my head. Like I have someone else's words in my head.

I, you know, I've heard some interesting stories about landmark and then I've seen people. Most of this, mostly it's annoying. Like you'll end up with somebody and then suddenly like they're like inviting you to a landmark meeting and for a second. Oh, and they kind of like just come to this get together. It's annoying because you know, they're like, it's like, it's not like when someone's inviting you to something spiritual or that they just like, it's like you get this sense of like, you're part of a project that they're being told to do or some shit.

I don't like that. I don't want to be part of your fucking score, man. But, um, but, um, still, I know people who, if not for that, I know people who've done crazy shit with whatever they're teaching there. So I mean, I'm not completely knocking it, but yeah. Exactly. That's how I feel too. Like I don't want to, and also even if these people want to join a fucking cult, it's like

you wanted to fucking join it. You were missing something in your life and like your life up a little bit. It's just like, sometimes we'll save you from them. Sometimes we have to come get you out of them. Yeah. Well, Ramda's called it a self-destructing trap. Like that's what you want. You want, basically it's, it's sticky, maybe a little bit, but then by the, the more you

grow with it, the more it just starts falling apart till you just don't need it anymore. And that's any healthy anything is it's not going to try to like grab you when you're, when you're, when you're done. Exactly. No, a hundred percent and not make you grab everyone that you know and bring them in. Bring them in. Bring them in. Like the cool thing is that for someone to come up to you and be like, Hey, I think

I can help you. I'm like, Oh fuck yeah. Fuck off. Don't. I don't want it. I don't want. I don't care what it is. I don't care if you've got an alien in a sarcophagus.

If I start getting that creepy feeling that you're going to rope me into some shit, it's the worst. But also it's like the assumption that like what works for you is going to work for everyone else. It's like, I've done so many of these. I mean, obviously I signed up for the hundred day program. Like I've done like so many things that I, you know, if you're not at the right place in your life to hear them, if you're just not that type of person, if they're not like

it's nothing, it's nothing, you know, but you can take pieces or everything you want. It's just like, I would never like, I just haven't even been bringing this thing up because I just won't want people, you know how like, for instance, like if you're trying to get into shape or something, they have all these like websites that are like, what does like Heidi Klum eat and exit? Like you're looking at like someone that's not you with a different body and you're trying to, and you think they're better than you because they're like famous or they're rich or whatever, you're like playing into that.

And then you're like, oh, I need to do exactly what they do. Like what is it exactly that you eat to make yourself lose weight? Or what do you do this to get like six back when it's like you have a completely different body and and like it's again, it's just like escaping yourself and giving your power to someone else. Like there's a like there's an answer or whatever. Well, you know, I just feel like everyone there's like there's a different light.

We're all living different lives and it seems obvious to say, but some people don't realize that Heidi fucking Klum. You don't know what her DNA is like. You don't know anything about her. And also you don't know for sure whatever the fuck she says she's eating in some interview. You don't know that she might just making that up for fun. Bored on a press tour. What do you eat?

Oh, you know, I like to eat grapefruit. I only grapefruit and on Saturdays I have strawberries. Then I take a bath. I take a bath and goat piss or whatever. You know, you're just bored. Who cares? Let it get out there. Do you know that I just saw someone did an entire documentary for MTV about how they'd gotten

off drugs and later on they admitted that the whole time they've been on cocaine that they were shooting that documentary. So the hours are crazy. Come on. It's the assumption. But look, this is I'm so glad you're talking about it because and I also I'm glad you're bringing up landmark form because I think there's a healthy suspicion people have when it comes to any kind of getting help at all and no matter what it is, but especially the

kind of help where you're going to a seminar or a retreat or some training or something like that, because it's like you feel like number one, it fucks with your ego, right? Like you kind of have to humble yourself to start taking classes. You have to that part of yourself that wants to believe it knows already how to do everything kind of has to go out the window, right? Which I do think we know how to do everything because okay, so even friends like, okay, so this program is working a lot for me right now. This is the right time in my life.

This is the right like the messages I'm learning are like really resonating with me, but I did choose to take this course at this time, right? So it is something that I knew like I trusted my body to be like, all right, even though this seems like an insane amount of money to me, I'm going to fucking pay and I'm going to trust that this is the right thing. So in a sense, this is all stuff that I've asked for that's coming to me, you know what I mean? So it is stuff that I know and it does feel like maybe that is why it's resonating

because like I feel it's a deeply in myself from like, this is stuff that I feel like I do know. And it's just being like re-talk to me because this is not what life is, right? Like you're just trying to learn who you are like you're born. Yeah. And then your whole life is like discovering who you are. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what it is, right? Yeah. And I think part of that is like remembering and extricating yourself, you know, like I think you're associating discipline with freedom because I don't think people understand that that or I didn't like you think of discipline as being, you know, someone is like, you know, like your parents are yelling at you, they give you discipline or whatever, you know, not you don't see the discipline is you're not free if you're completely like trapped in your habits.

Like you're the least free thing and it's scary because you're also when you get to like a certain age, it's like, I'm not like, I'm fighting. This was another thing I learned in that same last ayahuasca trip. It was like, I realized like this anti authority should I have. There is no one telling me what to do anymore. I have been 18 for a long ass time. Like I don't need there any authority is myself. It's like, it's like my greater self telling me what to do.

Like bitch, get up, like do your work. Like we want, we want to go places. Like hurry up. You're like, you're slowing us down. So it's like, I was like, I was playing hooky. Like when I wasn't doing my work, I wasn't cleaning up. I'm playing hooky on myself. Like I'm not showing up to my, the school that is me.

Yeah. Like I'm mad at me. Yeah. You know, and then I had to really get like, get real with the fact that my self esteem was so low, even though I project off like a very confident. You do. That's what can ask burgers baby. Okay.

I'm telling you, like, I mean, I have it because there's up the truth is that I know, right? Since I was little, I was like, you are a special light bitch. Like I knew it, right? Yeah. A lot of adversity and I knew I was like, shouldn't be being treated like I'm bad, you know, and then it's interesting because as I got like a better relationship with my parents and I remember my mom just randomly sent me a

card that said, like to my sweet girl and she had, I like started crying because it was like that. I just realized like I'd never been called sweet and I had this identity of myself and I was like, this rotten thing. And I think that's been something I've had to really work past because well, I don't deserve money. I don't deserve good things. Why should I put myself out there when I'm just rotten and like bad and I'm

going out into these audiences and they paid money to see this rotten, you know, like that's something I had to really do. You know, I've been doing like self hypnosis and stuff and just trying to just like, wow, really like grow the light. Is that part of the gym for the gym? Fortan stuff, self hypnosis. A lot of it is. Whoa, I am looking at this.

How cool. That's so interesting. So incredible. And I don't want to like, I don't want to be like, this is the greatest thing because other people might fucking hate it. Like I just don't. And I don't think that you have to. I don't want people to go.

I want what she has. I'm going to do this. Like don't do it. Like I want people to not do it. You know what I mean? Like I like, I just don't want to, I don't want to like play. But whatever, all I can do is just have. You don't sound like that.

You don't sound like a missionary or something. You sound like you've encountered some training that is having profoundly powerful effects in your life. Like quantifiable effects. And you're excited about that. So it's fun to talk about that. But you don't sound like someone who's like trying to like, I've been around that thing and you don't, you don't feel like that.

You don't seem like. It's just like this really weird thing though. It's like really so cool. What they recommend to this book to me called, um, love yourself like your life depends on it, which like, I mean, all of me would have trouble even just looking at a book with that title. Like. Love yourself like.

I'm so glad you're. May I just say I'm so glad you're, you're, you're being honest about this because, uh, it's so for someone who shares many of the same neurotic things that you were talking about as imposter syndrome, a sense of like who they're going to find out there. Eventually they're going to know all of those things that are just, you know, projections of the mind. It's still really empowering to hear someone else admit it out

loud. And it's good for other people to hear it too. It's because, you know, you were dangerously good at projecting the opposite of that. Like people just would never in a million years, uh, probably who didn't know you think, Oh my God, Annie is like, uh, struggling with the same insecure bullshit that I'm dealing with. And I always have been, and I never have been like trying to hide

that either. Like I really do think that I was raised very wild. Like I was raised very loosely and it, it gave me none of the rules that would have kept me from telling the truth. Do you know what I mean? Like I never was taught to conform or anything. I've always just been kind of like talking shit. And, um, you know, I really like as many times I got molested

because of that. Um, it's worth it because it also made me like, you mean literally. Freelance. Did you mean literally? Yeah. I mean, my parents were kind of like, Oh. Wow.

I'm sorry that that, I'm sorry to you. No, who cares. The molestants have the best life. We've, it's all up from here. But, uh, it really like, it's just like, you know, and I was like, kind of like living in that trauma and angry at my parents. And then I look at it and I'm like, everything is so good. And I have so much love in my family.

And it's like, just like completely like complete forgiveness of that has just been like amazing and like my parents are just, you know, getting older and it's just such like a, such a nice thing to just feel like I just want us to have a good time and not there's, I don't need anything from them except just like to be with them. It's just so nice. Like I'm not angry with them anymore.

And if I look at it, it's like, it just, they just gave me such good tools. Like it's just so, you know, I came just so like, I'm like affected, you know, so. As a new parent, hearing you say that is awesome. Just you, just because it's like, that is what you want. That if you, when your kids finally get through the teen thing and the rebellion thing and get to and say what you're saying,

the gifts you're giving them, it's such a sweet thing. I'm sure you've said this to them in person, but wow. I mean, I had to get through the angry phase too. And I had to like, I really like have to look back on myself and all my phases and kind of just be like, oh, like, what am I cute when you were screaming at your parents for getting raped a bunch? And they were just like, what do you want us to do?

And you just kept screaming at them. You know, and we like got through it. And it's just like not even like, it just doesn't even matter. You know, it's just like, they're so good. And I was realizing how much of my life I was spending like mad at like something they did or didn't do. And just missing out on all this like good stuff, you know, this time where like, they're not angry, they're happy,

they're laughing, they're having a good time. And it's just so fun. Like, what did I need from them? I wanted them to feel bad or suffer or have a best, a like less good life. No. So now it's just like, it's just so good. Like our last vacation was just, we just came back with

was just so excellent. It was so good. You know, yeah, I just feel like one of the things, oh, you just feel like, I'm sorry, y'all. It sounds like I'm cutting Annie off. It's this, there's a little bit of lag for some reason. So I can't jump in at the right time. So I'm so, so sorry.

Please finish your thought. No, it's fine. I was saying like that book that I was saying about like, love yourself like your life depends on it. It had all these like rules and things you were supposed to do was to meditate to this, look at yourself in the mirror. And I just didn't care for those things. But what I took from it was just saying to yourself all the time

under your breath, I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. Every time I feel like something's hard or like I can't do it. So I love myself. Do you know how easy it is to exercise when you're like running and it starts to hurt or whatever you just go, I love myself. I love myself.

I love it. You don't even like notice it's hurting. Yeah. It's really been helpful. Wow. This is you're making me think of Ram Dass because the mantra that he told people was I am loving awareness is what he would say. I'm loving awareness.

I'm loving awareness. And then the other thing that you're making me think about him regarding your family that I always found really interesting about his guru, uh, name Crowley Baba is that when people went to that guru and said to him that they were having problems at home with their parents, he would immediately make them leave and go home and say, I don't know what he would say when you've worked out your shit with your parents.

I don't think he would say shit. I don't know what he'd say, but he like for him, all this, all the other, the other stuff, the meditation, the spiritual stuff, the astral project, all of that paled in comparison to first get straight with your family. If you can like, because you're blaming if you're still in that fight with your parents, you're a victim of something and you're blaming the external and you're giving the external all your power.

So how are you going to do all that work on yourself if you're still in that fight? You can't. And but what it's such an easy trap to get stuck in. Some people never get out their whole lives. They're bitter and angry about their parents and sometimes rightfully so. I mean, some people, they get assigned shit parents, like, you know,

like crack smoke being blown in their face and like horror stories where it's like, I get it. I mean, maybe you need more than one lifetime to get over this shit, you know, but you only got one. That's the problem. There's one. So you got to deal with it. I think this is why we can't remember our past lives.

Because can you imagine having to deal with trauma from three families ago, three lifetimes ago? Sometimes things hurt so bad. You're like, this is from another time. Like that shouldn't have hurt that bad. I know. I'm really enjoying my triggers now too. Because I'm like, oh, what's like that about?

It's just fun. I don't know. I like learning and figuring myself out. I'm freaking in light. And like, that was the other thing. Like, uh, Ram Dass and neem curly Baba would say, like, when that when it was exciting when like where they're stuck showed up, because it was like from every time you realize like, oh, fuck, I'm really hung up here.

The implication is that means that this you can unhook and, you know, and then every time you legitimately unhook from a thing, your universe expands instantly. Yeah. It's an amazing thing to witness or to get that when no matter what it is, even if it's a little thing like what you're talking about, you know, a tiny little shift. That feeling of like also like when I get triggered and I'm like, I'm

like filled with rage, like that feeling of just like flooding with rage and you're like, oh my God, I really am a fucking animal. Like I really am an animal. Yeah. Like get over yourself, bitch. You're an animal. Like everyone else. You're filled up like cavemen did like you are a fucking cavewoman.

Yeah. It really is cool. It's just cool to realize that and then to realize that I can just kind of take it down. Well, just go like, what was that? It gives you some compassion when you see on the news, someone who like, you know, shot someone in the face because of road rage and you and it's so sad because you realize like that they turned into a demon.

They're not the continuum of their identity is they're not always going around raging at people, but they just to me, that's the in Buddhism. They say the most like the thing you got to watch out for is anger because that that they one moment of anger. They I read will completely annihilate a lifetime of good merit, good work. One moment of anger just obliterates it. You got to start over starting over is great from a Buddhist perspective, but you know, but just and I think the reason that they're so intense

about it is of all the emotions that is the one that you can ruin your life with fast, you know, you just lose control. And the next thing you know, you do something incredibly dumb for some people. It's suicide for some people. It's violence. And then you try to come back from that. Then the courts are involved, you know, like, you know, it's so dangerous.

It's scary. Well, it's just so like, it's so and like, obviously we have effects, negative effects on people around us. And that's like their life's karma is to like figure that out. I guess, you know, like we like, you're going to fuck your kids up in some way that you have never intended to do. And it will be less than your parents fucked you up and less and less and less if you're in the right direction.

And but it's like, you know, it's also just kind of like learning and doing that less and less and, you know, like allowing that to be like the process of life too. So it's like, yeah, if you're getting angry and you're freaking out and you're raging out, it's just like, it is just like hurting people around you. Yeah, it doesn't ever do the only thing it's good for is fighting. You we need that. You need it.

I get it. I get it. I get it in the sense of like, if like, I don't know, a wild animal had just charged at me like a panther or something. And I if I didn't like freak out and like just become a demon or something, then I'd probably die. That's what it's for. It's not for like AT&T.

Dude, can I just tell you that's so funny. He's an AT&T. I have a Karen inside me that comes out quite a bit. So I do try to work on that. But, um, but you just reminded me. Okay. So I went and I always surprised my nieces like they never know when I'm coming.

I always pop out of something or I'm under the Christmas tree or something like that. So this last occasion, we haven't seen each other in two years. That's and I faced them with them all the time. So my sister-in-law and my brother and my boyfriend, like every and my parents were all like conspiring against these little innocent children to scare the shit out of them. So, and I always saw them on to can pop up.

They're like, what are we missing? Like I could pop out anywhere. Just be ready. So this, you know, last couple of weeks, I went back and they had no clue. So they read soccer practice with their mom. I came home. My parents were hiding inside behind the curtains. My boyfriend was just off in the other room because he's a stranger and

they can't see him first. Right. So I get in this giant box and I go in the park. So Dana, my sister-in-law comes in, the girls come out. She goes, oh, can you grab that box? And it's this giant box. So I thought like to lessen the blow. I remember the first time I surprised them was under the Christmas tree.

And I always had neon green nails. So my niece said that she wasn't scared because she saw my neon green nails. So I was like, oh, I'll wear my leopard print jacket because that will like, they know I wear that jacket all the time. That will cue them. That will like, let them be less scared. Yeah. Pop out of this box.

Not what happened. What happened was my four-year-old and eight-year-old nieces came to move a box. They had no clue. They were just at soccer practice. They were just coming home. They went to move a box. It didn't move. And then all of a sudden a fucking wild animal popped out.

My niece was like, oh, my four-year-old niece, fight or flight. Like an experience so few kids have is an actual animal attacking them. She was like, bro. And then she saw it with me, but it was like, there was like a split second where she, my brother and I were laughing. So we're rewatching. Like this was maybe the most fucked up one yet. I mean, she was like, I thought you were a tiger.

Oh, God. I mean, you just use that as an example because it's so bad. Like you used, you got a worst case scenario where a panther was attacking you to explain when it's okay. Like this is the most primal shit that my niece would never have to go through. And she just experienced it. Like she was in the fucking jungle book. You plugged into like DNA traces from like the hundreds of thousands of years ago.

That's hilarious. Next time you got to dress like a bear. It's so funny. Let me just find her face. It was so crazy. Oh, you got it. I'm like, I, we filmed the whole thing. My boyfriend's going to edit it together.

I think next time your boyfriend should jump out. Oh my God. That's a new fear. That's an auntie lesson. He's naked. Where is this one? It'll be worth it. Okay.

So I mean, they were just couldn't believe it. I know I, I scare our two year old a lot accidentally. My wife did too. He, he has, he's got a baby. Let me see. Do you see her here? Wait, hold on. So then they're so excited.

But wait, let me show you. I'll pause the fear. Pause it, please. That is death. That is like profound deep. You could look, you know what you could do? You could cut that out and just put that in any historic disaster. And it will make sense.

You could, you know what I mean? Cut that out. Put it over like the ruins of the bombing of Dresden. Put it, you know what I mean? Put it in front of the, like the Titanic, but like black and white. Put her on the Titanic. It's terrible. It was her whole family was drowning.

Like a letter. I was like, that was, she was just like, but it must be worth it to realize that it isn't a wild animal. It's your favorite. Immediately. Yeah. They immediately were so excited. So it was good.

Annie. So it went from that. Yeah. You ready? We got to wrap it. Oh, I got to, you know, oh my God. Yeah. Look at that.

That's the, see that's the best. That is, I get it. I get why people get addicted to that cycle. That's the cycle we're talking about. We're talking about that to ourselves. Right? That's what that is. We go from my, oh my God.

It's a leopard. Oh, it's love. And I know it's like not shaming yourself for that too. And just being like, it's all good. I submit to you, my new guru. Thank you so much for teaching me. I mean it. Like you taught me so much there.

I really needed to hear a lot of what you said. And I really appreciate it. Thank you. And thank you for giving me. I feel that way for you all the time. I really like my inspiration with you is like one of my best episodes ever. Oh, that was so, what a fun day. That was so fun.

God damn. I was taking everything for granted. I didn't know that I was going to be one of the last podcasts that I did. I didn't know a pandemic was right around the corner. A leopard that turned out to be, I think for both of us. You can always come back and you can always spend as much time as you need. And there's nothing to like miss. And there's nothing, you know what I mean?

Yes, I know. And it's like, you know, I'll be back. I love it here. It's the best, but I do just have, I just miss it. But Annie, forget about me. Fuck. Let's talk about your upcoming shows. Let's talk about your two hit podcasts so that people can connect to you.

Um, you got shows coming up after this one? Cause this will come out next week. I do. I have, I have one on the 27th. We'll be up by then. Yeah. So I'm doing a Brea one nighter at the Brea improv. Nice.

I'm doing a show on the 27th of May. And then what else do I have? I don't know what's going on. You can text me all these gigs. Um, I'm doing a one nighter at flappers. Flappers. I know my agents like promote flappers. I was like, okay.

Um, flappers on July 15. And then, um, I'm doing, uh, episode in Bakers or an episode. I'm doing a one nighter. Having an episode in Bakers. Oh, and then Hartford. I'm going to be at the Hartford funny bone in, um, August 27th through 29th. And I love that place. It's so fun.

I've heard great things about that club. Actually. That's really cool. Um, okay. I'm going to have all those dates at dugoutrustle.com. Now talk about both of your podcasts. Please. Okay.

So my inspiration is the podcast that Duncan and I did go watch all the old episodes. Check them out. I have not made any new ones in a while. I had some health things and now I'm reassessing what I want to do with it. So I think I might rebrand it and come out. I'm going to come out with something different. There will be a, there will be in my own podcast, but, um, that's coming. But watch all the old ones.

Watch along with me and Duncan. I feel like we got in some real deep. I definitely cried. Um, you said some things that have stuck. And then also, um, I have my podcast that is now being rebranded. It's now called blood honeys. And that is, um, you can find that on YouTube and Instagram and follow me and little ester and koala.

It is so funny. I mean, I am what whoever's running your, I don't know who's doing the promotion stuff for editing, right? You have some, I can tell whatever y'all are doing. You have some smart people. You must have a big, who's editing. Who's doing the promo for the guys that do tiger belly. They're, they're called a seven to sec keys and they're just like really great.

So we, you know, we pretty much partnered with them. So it's like, you know, it's all of our show. So we're all just putting in everything we can put and they, um, Kalilah honestly, they do a lot of editing, but Kalilah does a lot of really like strong notes. Like she's really good. She goes through, she finds the best parts. And then, you know, a lot of times people will DM us the line and then we'll

have them make a clip of that. Like, you know, I always try to have like the funniest lines. You, I look, I'm not going to pick favorites on there. You all are very funny and I really love it. Well, look, thank you so much. I hope you kill the night. And I, I folks, it means a lot that a comedian on the road gives you an hour and 47 minutes on a day that they have to perform.

I'm so grateful to you. Thank you. Well, you know what I'm going to do after this, right? What? I'm going to go to the mall of America and I'm going to ride the roller coaster by myself. We're at a roller coaster by myself because here's the thing Duncan, when you trust the universe and you trust that you're going to have to show

that you're meant to have, you don't have to panic all day and worry or like reserve your energy or anything. Well, don't leave. This is what I'm praying. I'm praying that you that the roller coaster doesn't fuck up somehow and you end up in some horrible roller coaster accident because then this entire podcast will seem so sinister. You know, like you're talking about all this beautiful stuff.

I'm supposed to go skydiving on Tuesday. So don't fuck your. No, I'm sorry. Jim Fortin. Don't do that to don't. What are you doing? So funny. I might cancel it because I have gone before and before I was not in the

greatest, like I was, I've always been happy, right? But I haven't been in this level of like, I'm actually really like content, but I go with my friend on her dad's death date with her. So I have to really think about, am I doing this to like take care of my friend who needs me or am I doing this because it's something I want to do because I actually really don't feel like plummeting to my death right now. But the reason it's fun is because you might plummet to your death. Right.

I mean, right. Yeah. It's fun. Well, I just got to touch base with her because every time I smoke weed, I go, I think I don't want to go skydiving. Listen, don't listen to me. I'm an old, terrified old man. I just, I'm not, I don't want to, I got kids, you know, I can't,

my wife would never let me anyway. But like the idea of like, you know, in the old days, maybe I would throw myself out of a plane because it's like, it's a cool way to die. You know, it's like, you're only going to be scared for a relatively short time. You don't have to like slowly like, you know, fade out. You're just going to splatter all over the place and have some kind of interesting fame in the sense that you're one of those people who like,

you know, died falling out of a plane. That's kind of cool. But. Or I like, you know, fall, I get paralyzed. I'm in a wheelchair and then all of my wheelchair jokes like hit even more because I'm in a wheelchair now. Wow. Yeah, but then your whole thing's going to be, you don't want that to be you.

You don't want to be the comic that fell out of a plane. You know, everyone's going to want you to do your fucking air fall out of an airplane jokes and you're going to get so sick of it. It's not even made for not me talking. It's a computer. I'm like, thank you for coming. Can you imagine if you did that? And then there was a heckler in the audience who also had the same setup.

Fuck you. I would only perform to people that are quadriplegic at that point. God dang. Annie. Listen, I on behalf of everyone listening, these, this is a comedian. She doesn't mean anything obviously against quadriplegics. You know, No, no, no, it wouldn't be against them.

I would only be talking. I'm saying I would be like doing comedy festivals just for people. Like I would highlight them and be like, this is just for you. There would be no one, the no people with like able bodies allowed. I love that. That is actually brilliant. It's for us. Love it.

Annie. Thank you so much. Hold on one second. Thank you. One second. Okay. I'm going to say goodbye to you. That was a little clumsy.

I had a little tech thing happen over here. Annie. Thank you so much for being on the show. All the links you need to find Annie Letterman are going to be at duckatrustle.com. Thank you. That was Annie Letterman, everybody. Follow her on Twitter, follow her on Instagram, subscribe to her podcast. A big thank you to our noble and esteemed sponsors, athletic greens,

Omega and express VPN. All those offer codes are going to be at duckatrustle.com. If you forgot them and much thanks to you for listening to this podcast. I love you. Thank you for letting me have the best job of all time. I'll see you next week. Until then, Hare Krishna. All dressed up.

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