Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 518: William Montgomery

Episode Date: July 23, 2022

William Montgomery, stellar Austin comedian, joins the DTFH! Check out William's podcast! The William Montgomery Show, available everywhere you listen. You can also follow William on Instagram, and check his Linktree for everything else! Original music by Aaron Michael Goldberg. This episode is brought to you by: Athletic Greens - Visit AthleticGreens.com/Duncan for a FREE 1-year supply of vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase! ZipRecruiter - Try for FREE at ZipRecruiter.com/Duncan BLUECHEW - Use offer code: DUNCAN at checkout and get your first shipment FREE with just $5 shipping.

You've been making better decisions for your busy family for years and now little by little you're making decisions for yourself like snacking a little better, going a little further, sleeping a little deeper and we're here to make that journey easier and even more rewarding with Acme's new sincerely health platform featuring nutrition plans, prescription reminders and more. So sign up in the Acme mobile app to earn up to $25 in grocery rewards. Visit AcmeMarkets.com slash health for more details. Greetings my sweet children of the universal mind. It is I, Detrusel and this is the Duncan Trussell family, our podcast. I'm headed to Comic Con in San Diego. So if y'all are going to be out there, come say hello.

We're going to be at the Crapopolis panel. It's a show that I'm doing a voice for, for Fox. We're going to be floating around Comic Con. So if you're there, find me, say hello. Also, I've got quite a few dates coming up. I'd love to see you out there. I'm going to be at the La Jolla comedy store August 12th through the 14th. I'm going to be the Miami improv August 19th through the 21st and Cobb's comedy club September 23rd to the 30th. And then wise guys at Salt Lake City, Utah. That is going to be September 30th to October 1st. Grab your tickets. I'm happy to say that we completely sold out the Denver comedy works this last weekend. So don't wait. Get the tickets in advance, please. It makes me feel good. I also would love to invite you to subscribe to the

glistening navel of the DTFH, which is the DTFH Patreon. It's at Patreon.com, Ford slash DTFH. Just about every week we get together, we meditate together, we write books together, we hang out together and we need you there. We summon you. It's Patreon.com, Ford slash DTFH. Today's guest is a stellar example of the brilliant comedy that is pumping out of Austin like some kind of sparkly sacred spray erupting from the blowhole of a divine space whale. If you live in Austin and you want to see him perform, you can see him on Kill Tony every single week at the Vulcan Gas Works or come to any of my upcoming live shows. I'm taking him on the road with me or check out his awesome podcast, the William Montgomery show. It's on YouTube.

All the links you need to find William are going to be at DuncanTrussell.com. But now, everyone, please erupt your sacrums and spray that cosmic astral love juice into the mercilial interconnecting metaphysical network that links us all as one so that at this moment, today's guest feels your love and welcome to the DTFH, William Montgomery. William, welcome to the DTFH. It's good to see you, man. Yeah, very nice to see you too. Dude, you look great, man. I gotta tell you. Last time I saw you, you know, I was going kind of bald. Yeah, yeah. And now you have this full edit. I'm a full head of hair now. Yeah, I got accepted into the ambassadorship and program for Bosley Hair Club, so I am a new spokesperson, new ambassador.

I know, I'm excited. Now, can you tell me how that, how does that happen? Like, how did, were they at one of your shows or? Yeah, they saw me. They came up to me. They said, you seem like a very good candidate for our hair club. And at first, quite frankly, I was offended. I was thinking, what do you mean? What do you, I'm not really going bald. What are you even talking about? Right, you're still in kind of the, you're still in the phase of like, it's probably going to grow back or like. Yeah, it might grow back. I mean, I've been using it. I know I was using a white rain shampoo. White rain? Do you remember white rain? No, I've never heard of it. That was a kind of shampoo at one point. But yeah, they came up to me. They asked if I wanted to

be an ambassador. I said, what is that entail? They said, it's basically like a two year. Two years. Two years, 700,000. Two years? Two years, $700,000. One second. So wait, um, sorry about that. There's fucking rats in here. The, um, Is that what it is? Oh yeah, man. No, yeah, it's like they get into my wires. Okay, so right now, I am using this like special tincture that a midwife has made for me that I'm rubbing into my hair to grow it back. Is it working? No, it hasn't worked yet. And it's very expensive. But she like assures me that like, I guess the problem is like you have, they give you the jar

and then you have to, um, bury it. Uh, they make you bury the jar. Well, if you don't bury it, apparently it's not that it doesn't work. Like if they bury it, it would, it would work on their hair. So when you, yeah, it connects to your hair. This is like, you know, a lot of people look down their nose at, uh, alternative medicine for sure. And I, you know, I think, Oh, okay, great. Well, you go and do your pharmacological bullshit. Yeah. Or whatever. I'm going to use an ancient remedy for hair loss, which according to the midwife is actually a sign of spiritual wisdom. Is she sweet? Is she a nice midwife? No. Oh, serious? Very stern, like a classic midwife. They're very stern, very like intense with me and my wife. She, um, uh, you know, that whole

spanking thing where they spank you and your wife and stuff. Oh, they spank you and your wife. Well, her husband's, her husband spanks my wife. I saw her in there. Yeah. I think I met her. She seems sweet. She must have a dark side. No. Yeah. She acted. She's act with, when guys come over, but when she's with us, cause we want to have another baby, then her husband comes over and then like they think he does the pretreatments on my wife or whatever that is, which is some midwife pretreatment and you don't know what that is. It's some secret regardless. Yes. I am excited because I'm like, I know that we'll come back with, you know, that being said, white rain. Yeah. White rain. It's a hell of a shampoo. It's, uh, something I used to use. But yeah,

Bosley Hair Club, I highly recommend it. It also, it's similar to like a midwife type thing. It's not big pharma at all. How do they do it? Oh man. They, uh, are you familiar with grass seeds? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. They put stuff that is like little grass seeds in your hair. The whole process is two days. It was a long time. You have to stay at the hospital. You're at the hospital for two days? Two days. I was under the knife as they say for one day. One day under the knife. 24 hours. 24 hours under anesthesia. 24 hours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was awful. I woke up at one point and I couldn't move or anything and I could barely move my eye a little bit and then they saw me moving my eye a little bit. So they gassed me again. It was horrible. Was it painful? It was horrible.

What are they? It was indescribable. They were working on my chest at that point in time. Your chest? Yeah. You're growing hair on your chest? No. It was like an open heart surgery. They messed up. It turned into like this open. They did some of my hair and then it turned into this open heart surgery thing and then I'm literally, I'm awake, but I can't move. How does this happen at a hair clinic that they're working on your heart? Yeah. I don't know. It's weird. Some doctors were in town for I think Pittsburgh or something. Oh, fuck. Yeah. It's bullshit. Dude. It's like one of the leading causes of death in the United States is medical malpractice. I'm so glad you made it through. Thank you so much. Now I have this horrible scar on my chest and... But you know what? You wear

shirts. I know. So people don't really have to see you. But they see it when you're balding and now you've got this like insane, like it's... I know. I know. When you walked in, I was like, what the... Did you even recognize me? I barely recognize you. See? That's how good it is. And I questioned my own like perception because I'm like... Really? Yeah. Well, you know, because I'm positive the last time I saw you, this was not the hair situation. I didn't have the full head of hair. I know. It's all thanks to Bosley. I mean, this is a glowing recommendation. It sounds like from you, Duncan, just what you were describing about how you didn't recognize me at first. I mean, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. I mean, I gotta say, the folks over at Bosley, they're super

professional. They're really wonderful. Super sweet. Super sweet. They understand male pattern baldness and though, yeah, right now I am using a traditional treatment. Are you sure that that's a safe way to do it? I mean, how deep was the hole where you buried the stuff? So you put it right above the coffin. Like you have to get it right above the coffin at a cemetery. So it's like, you know, and when they told me that it was like, I was thinking, fuck, I'm gonna, I don't even want digging. Yeah. I don't know the last time you dug like in five feet down. No, it's been a long time. It is. It's a crazy workout. Then you're in a cemetery and like you're worried someone's gonna show up for sure, you know, all that stuff. But yeah, actually, they don't really

hold six feet under bullshit. It's not really like that anymore. How deep do they bury people? Like three, four feet. Really? Just depends on how much you pay. Damn. So the more you pay, the deeper you go. Yeah, the more you pay, the deeper you go. But it makes sense because it's more work before you pay the deeper. Hey, let's cut to a commercial real quick. I knew deep down in my soul, I needed a fucking hair transplant. So I went to Bosley Hair Services and told them I needed hair put in my head immediately. They put a bunch of seeds in my head

and I grew hair very easily afterwards. I love Bosley Hair Club. Thank you, Bosley Hair Club. Mr. Bosley, where did you go to? All right, so please go to bosley.com, backslash, William Montgomery. For 30% off your first procedure, there's many procedures you have to go through. I'm going to have to do, I think, nine or 10 more. But yeah, use the code William Montgomery for 30% off your first procedure. Thank you, Athletic Greens, for supporting this episode of the DTFH. I don't know about you, but there's something weird to me about people who carry around big ziplock bags full of vitamins. I don't know if you've ever seen this. I don't know if you've ever

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one year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com forward slash Duncan. Again, that is athleticgreens.com forward slash Duncan to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance. God bless you, Athletic Greens. And we're back. I'm sitting here in the brand new DTFH studio with a new and dear friend of mine, William Montgomery. And I got to tell you the inspiration that I am getting from being around somebody who has conquered their male pattern baldness using Bosley is really making me rethink my take on alternative medicine. I'm starting to wonder, did I make a mistake breaking into that

cemetery and burying that jar on top of that coffin? And you got me thinking about Bosley. Let's talk more about Bosley. Yeah. I mean, Bosley has been just a big part of my life for the past two weeks since I got the procedure. I do have to give a couple of warnings for it, though. Okay. Don't take it if you're pregnant. Obviously, a lot more women get it that you may think. Yeah, I've heard. There's a lot of female pattern baldness that goes around. Yep, cranberry syndrome. Cranberry syndrome. A lot of people don't devil's plight cranberry syndrome, but that those things make ladies lose their hair. They're actually a big part of what makes Bosley continue to grow is, yeah, people with cranberry syndrome. I mean, that's just a... It's a terrible thing. And it's

like I'm so sick of people associating that with a vaccine. It appears that a lot of ladies these days are shaving their pubes. Yep. And so what I've read is that when... Folks don't know, there's neurons in your vagina, the same neurons that are in your brain, the same neurons in your heart, which is making me think. Really? Maybe that's why they went in your heart. But it could have been. There's neurons in your heart and your vagina. And apparently, when you start shaving your vagina, it sends a signal through your whole body. God. And then your head is like, it's the phone call from your vagina that's like, hey, we don't want hair now. And so... Yeah, your hair is going to start falling out. Yeah, cranberry syndrome. Yeah.

And you're going to start listening to the cranberries. Exactly. I mean, a lot of these women start listening to the cranberries. It's so weird. For a symptom, like if you've started listening to... If you've randomly... Okay, if you put these two things together. Ladies, if you recently shaved your vagina and you suddenly had this desire to listen to the cranberries. You probably have cranberry syndrome. Yeah. And you could call Bosley. They actually have a hotline to where they'll ask you a lot of questions and then they can identify whether or not you have cranberries. Yeah, call 1-800-GIT-HARE. That's the main hotline. But yeah, we're more than happy to help these ladies with cranberry syndrome. I mean, a lot of times it'll happen

early, mid-20s. Yep. Girls will start getting cranberry syndrome. And I don't know if you've ever been around somebody with cranberry syndrome, but my girlfriend got it. No. And quite frankly, the cranberries, listening to them too much, it gets me sad. No, I know. That's the thing. You got like maybe one of the best bands of all time. I know they're pretty. Do you like the cranberries? Love them. One of the best bands all time. And it's so sad because now people are afraid to listen to them. The listenership is dropping. For sure. It's very sad. But the thing is this, you stop listening to the cranberries. It's not going to, your hair is not going to suddenly. Yeah, it's going to keep falling out. No matter what. It keeps falling out. I don't want to dwell

on these brand new plagues that are appearing on the earth. It's weird. Let's talk about Devil's Blight. Man, that's actually how the lead singer of the cranberries died, Devil's Blight. Yeah. I actually read the piece he wrote for the New Yorker on Devil's Blight. You read that? Fuck yeah. Seriously? You were such a good writer. I was so excited. It was my first article. Yeah, published in the New Yorker. So you wrote about the experience of being a non-gynecologist, having to work with women's vaginas. Yeah. I guess you had to study a lot of... I had to study a lot of women's vaginas while I had Devil's Blight. It was horrible. How is the connection there? Man, I don't know. I mean, your ears start ringing at the very

beginning. Your ears start ringing. Yeah. And when that happened with me, I was like, like, did I really just get Devil's Blight? Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, my ears started ringing. I started coughing a bunch. That's another thing. You just can't stop coughing. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, I'm going through this gynecological training and I'm trying to do that. I'm coughing all the time and my ears are ringing and I had to start wearing these Speedo goggles. It was so weird and they'd fog up and I have to constantly use my pointer fingers to get the fog off of the lenses of the goggles and I'm trying to look at these ladies' parts down there and I don't really know what's going on. It was a nightmare. I mean, Devil's Blight has been hitting hospitals hard recently.

Can I read a little passage from your... Please. It was a typical New York fall morning. I was walking my dog Charlie to get an espresso when I felt as though I were standing in front of a powerful speaker at an incredible rave and yet there were no speakers around. I'd been reading about Devil's Blight, but I never thought it could happen to me. And yet, being cautious, I went to the doctor and was immediately diagnosed with the Blight. I left in a haze. I didn't want to believe it. I had been training gynecologically for the last couple of weeks, went to one of my tents where I was to stare at a woman's vagina for 20 minutes, which is a standard part of gynecological training. At that moment, I realized that her formerly bare vagina was covered with little bits

of red hair, my hair falling out like the Devil's rain. She looked down in horror and looked at me and said, I think you have the Blight. Wow. Yeah. Powerful writing. That must have been... Thank you. Yeah. I mean, it was terrifying. I mean, I'm down. I have multiple tents in Central Park set up for the ladies to come in. I think that day I had three or four and yeah, I mean, I was walking my dog and I go to one of the tents and yeah, that lady says something about my hair and I look down and sure enough, there's little red hairs all over her vagina and I'm horrified. I mean... Yeah, it's embarrassing. It's super embarrassing. I don't want the Blight. I don't need it. Yeah. I'm a busy guy. Yeah. But the Blight doesn't care. I mean, the Blight strikes anybody

down. It really does. I learned that the hard way. I mean, oh my God. So let's talk about what happens when you go into a Bosley clinic with the Devil's Blight because a lot of these places, you get rejected immediately. You can't come in. What I've read is you get treated like a subhuman. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually the great thing about Bosley. They don't care if you have Devil's Blight. They don't care if you have cranberry syndrome. They're going to take you. I mean, it's really the sweetest people who work at Bosley Hair Club. I mean, a lot of people, you're very right. You can't go in McDonald's. You can't go in a Target if you have Devil's Blight. You can't go all these places. Right. But you can go to Bosley Hair Club.

Wow. And that's what we're here for. That is so great, man. I mean, I just think these days, we live in this polarized time where it's just like everybody's scared. Everybody's freaking out. It's getting hotter outside. It's getting hotter outside. You know, it's like and I like, I keep thinking like they've got to come up with a fucking name for this because it's like every year, it seems like it is like right around June, late May, this shit's heating up and it lasts until like, you know, sometimes it goes all the way to September. And it's like, sometimes it does. What the fuck is this? Like, why is this happening? People need to look into this. Like, what is happening during these months that's heating the fucking earth up? I get that everyone's freaked

out. And yeah, why does that happen? Especially those months? I mean, is anybody really looking into this? I mean, seriously, why is it always those months that it's getting hotter? Right? I don't get that. You know what? This is like while the Kardashians are tooting around and they're fucking private jet, you know, shoot them out of the sky. Yeah, shoot them out of the sky. Shoot them out of the fucking sky because it's just what are you what what is what is happening? Do you really want four or five months out of the year to like heat up? Yeah, nobody wants that. No, nobody needs that. And by the way, they don't use Bosley. They use a competitor. What? Yep. Yep. Not a lot of people know that. But yeah, they fly around in those jets, which I can't

say and then they don't use Bosley. Can you so the Kardashians, they're not using Bosley at the moment. But they have a hair. They have hair. They have hair issues. Yeah, they're mainly bald. They wear wigs all the time. Are you seriously? Oh, well, there you go. So I guess the competitor isn't that good. Yeah, literally a wig store is the competitor. Wigs stores all across America. That's the competitor. Wow. That's what we're up against. Holy shit. That sucks, man. I mean, because, you know, honestly, the last thing that I want to be wearing during these mystery months of heat, I think we should come up with like mystery heat, mystery heat, the months of mystery heat. Someone should just come up with a name for this period in time. We'll call it the months of mystery

heat. I don't want to be wearing a fucking sweaty ass. Oh my gosh. No, right. That's another thing about that. Right. You get so hot in a wig. I don't know the last time you wore a wig, but it's incredibly hot, especially during the mystery months. I mean, it's it gets hard. It's you're sweating. You can't stop. Yeah. Yeah. I one of my friends podcast recently wore a wig, get home, pull that wig off. And like I've got all around the my bald spot and stuff are just like pustules. Really? Yeah, it gets hot in there there. Really hot under. Yeah. Yeah. No, I heard it that what is the the guy in Bangladesh or whatever, like apparently it heated up so much under his wig that the wax melted into his flesh. Right. You don't need that. You don't

need that guy. That guy's still at the hospital. Still at the hospital. He didn't he gets home. When you get home, if you've been wearing a wig, folks out there wear wigs. Yeah, I would think there would have to be some people wearing wigs out there. I would think there has to be. Yeah, you you want to yank that thing off because it's hot as fuck. And then I guess this guy pulled it off and it like ripped the top of his scalp right off. Just bone under there. Tony Chin. Yep. That was the guy's name. God. And still in the hospital. Yep. I know it's like he got scalped by like a Native American. Yeah, you can go to his go fund me. Just look up Tony Chin. It's like he's he's almost raised I think close to a million dollars. It's close to a million. Yes, Tony Chin

and then in parentheses scalped because I think there's other Tony Chin's out there right now go fund me. But he's the one. Yeah, that essentially got scalped. People are going to be wondering if like we're saying that because Bosley wants us to like scare people. No, and there's no way. I mean, that naturally just came out. We weren't even thinking about saying that. But that's I mean one of the horror stories that happens with wigs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is a I just think like it's someone again to reiterate who's going through male pattern baldness. Yeah, you know, even just talking to you right now, I'm like, because I did fantasy, like I, you know, I was yeah, when are you going to get the proceeds? Are you going to do it? Do

you think you know what? I'm like, I was I was on the fence when you came over. But now I'm thinking I'm going to I'm going to do it, man. I'm going to get those seeds. I'm going to get those seeds. I got you know, I got kids. Yeah. And like they when they see my bald spot, you don't want that. You don't want your kids seeing a bald spot. No way. Yeah. The thing that the older one is just like, what's wrong with daddy? And he started crying. He was like, that's what'll happen. I thought there's no sadder feeling than your kids tears when they start falling on your bald spot. Tell me about it, God. Also, the fucking Cavalier King Charles, my wife's dog, when I'm sitting on the couch watching TV, no joke will sit behind me and lick my bald spot.

Ooh, does it feel good? It does it. No, it doesn't. Yeah, dogs have like sandpapery tongues, don't they? It feels terrible. It feels like it's mocking me. It doesn't feel it doesn't feel good at all. It just it just feels like it's humiliating. My wife laughs at me when it's happening. The kids will start laughing at me. It sucks, man. How long will it be going on? Well, it's it stopped because I just started rubbing vinegar into my bald spot. That's a good idea to stop it. Yeah, anybody listening, that's a good way to do it. If your dog is licking your your bald spot. Yes. You know how I thought of that? Huh? Bosley's website. Thank you, Zip Recruiter, for supporting this episode of the DTFH. I don't know if this has

ever happened to you, but every once in a while, if you go to a hotel, you will run into like a bartender and you feel like you're talking to some kind of movie star. You feel like they're your best friend or something. And then you remember, holy shit, they work here. That's not an accident. The person is there because whoever's running that place was smart enough to use Zip Recruiter and Zip Recruiter understands that outstanding talent is crucial for a successful business. And if you're hiring, you can find talent for your bartender role or whatever you're looking for at Zip Recruiter. You can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Duncan. Zip Recruiter uses its powerful technology to find and match the right candidates up with your job. Four out of

five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Additionally, Zip Recruiter has a complete suite of tools that make it easy to filter, review, and rate your candidates. You don't, you know what they say? A vampire only goes where they're invited. Don't invite a vampire into your business. Honestly, it would probably be better if a wild tiger jumped through a window of your hotel and savaged your guests in the lobby than to have an employee there who doesn't want to be there. It's like when you find that little patch of black mold in your garage and you ignore it and it stretches and spreads and poisons. So the next thing you know, you wake up in the emergency room because you've been inhaling deadly poisonous spores.

So head over to ZipRecruiter.com slash Duncan. That's where you can try Zip Recruiter for free. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com, D-U-N-C-A-N. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. That, the other thing I love about Bosley is it's not high pressure. Not at all. They, you go to their website and it's like if you, if you don't want to get the seeds, there's an entire section like, you know, how to deal with like the issues with like male pattern baldness, you know, the dog thing. For sure. They have the dog thing. They have things for if you're wearing your Bosley hair transplant at the pool. You have to be careful. You have to wear a swim cap. Really? Yeah. People don't know that. If you go swimming, if you're an ocean dweller. Yeah.

An aquatic. Yeah. If you're an aquatic type person, yeah, you want to wear a swim cap. Even when you get the seeds? Even when you get the seeds and you have to be really careful taking the swim cap off because that can actually rip out the seeds. The seeds are, they're implanted pretty good in there, but I mean a swim cap, you try to take a swim cap off. It's pulling out any hair. You have to be very careful. You have to put baby powder. What are the seeds? They look literally like little grass seeds. They're purple in color. Yeah. I don't, we'd have to talk to one of the Bosley scientists. All I know is they work. They literally make little holes in your head and put the seeds in

there and hairs growing out pretty much immediately. Okay. So only because people listening are already thinking it. There was the Bosley controversy. Yes. So can we address it? Can you talk a little bit about the connection between Bosley and the Central Intelligence Agency? Because I know that Yeah. Yeah. So Mike Bosley, he was actually one of the early investors in Enron. Right. And then when Enron went down, Mike Bosley, I know, nobody knew, but his phone was in the messages everywhere. I mean, it was, he was busted. He spent a lot of time in jail. And when he was in jail, he did start talking to some CIA agents, all kinds of stuff, a lot of stuff about South America. Yeah. Well, you know, and again, you know, we live in different times.

There was a time when the CIA apparently made some bad decisions. And I got to tell you, if like, people were raking me over the coals for bad decisions I made when I was younger, it would be a disaster. Yeah. So yeah, did the CIA maybe do some stuff? Yeah, maybe, who knows? I mean, prove it. It was the sixties. Yeah, it was the sixties. You know, and it's like, yeah, did, you know, MK Ultra and all that and were they like, you know, drugging people with psychedelics? Did they like put people into comas to see if they could erase their memories and replace their memories with other memories, they become whatever they call them like Lemurian candidate or Manchurian. I don't know what it's called, Manchurians, but like

whatever the fuck it was, they don't do it anymore. Yeah. And, and, and what, where I am inspired by Bosley is while he's in prison and also where I'm inspired by the CIA, while he's in prison, the CIA's prison outreach program, you know, which is beautiful. Every prison needs an outreach program for sure. They're bringing in books. They're working with them. And like, I guess, apparently, during the MK Ultra experiments, when they were like working on people's brains, yeah, that's where they discovered this seeding method. It is. It's so weird. People don't really know that. Yeah. I mean, it came from a lot of the LSD experiments. They just started putting it on people's heads. He started putting it on people's heads. Yeah. And literally they said they were

able to make this. Yeah, they were able to make the seeds out of acid crystals, dark acid crystals. What's dark acid? Yeah, a lot of people think it's clear. They made this really good form of acid that was dark in color and you would have the dark acid crystals and you would put it in your head. And that was the first time they realized you could seed people's heads with these dark acid crystals. So even to this day, it's still a very similar recipe. There's still a little bit of acid. Wow. I know, which people don't know about. Sometimes that's a selling point for people. Yeah. Because every now and again, it does. If you start sweating a lot or your hair is underneath that swim cap, there's a chance if you start sweating too much that it will leak out of the

crystals and you can start hallucinating every now and again. It doesn't happen that often. Has it happened to you? It has happened to me a couple of times. No. And it was horrible both times. Really? Yeah, it was bad. So it's not a good trip. No, no. It was with my family. We had to put... Oh, man. It was not good. We had to drive to Florida. We had to get rid of everything and our grandparents' house. Something had happened. They were on a cruise ship accident. Oh, my God. I know. It was a horrible time. It was a hard time for everybody, but I was digging around trying to get the dust off of stuff and then some of the stuff drips into my eyes and I start having a full-blown hallucination 10 minutes afterwards and I'm in the grandparents' house. They just died

on a cruise ship. Oh, my God. I mean, it was literally nightmarish. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry about your grandparents, man. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, not a lot of people know that. It's been a nightmare. So that's one of the things. I mean, you have to be... There's some warnings to it. That's one of the warnings. Don't sweat too much if you have bozzly hair transplants in your head. I can't imagine grieving. I'm growing my hair back. So that's like if there's some solace in like having to go... Yeah, right, right. You're looking in the mirror. You're seeing like... For sure. You're seeing that hair grow in. You're seeing that hair grow. That's going to feel good. And probably if I was headed down to Florida to like clean out my grandparents' house after

that kind of accident, I'd love to talk if you're comfortable talking about it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's been a couple of weeks. I could... Yeah. It's just... And then all of a sudden, yeah, I don't know. You start tripping. Did you... I mean, I wouldn't have even thought that... I would have just thought I was going crazy or something. Yeah. At first I did, but I remembered reading on the website. There is a list of warnings they do have. Yeah. On the website, I had remembered reading something about that. And then I'm seeing all the bricks up by the fireplace just swirling around. I mean, it was... I got dizzy. It was horrible. My parents are there. They're not doing well. I'm hallucinating. I can't find either one of my brothers.

Vance and Selden are both missing. I need them to try to help me. They're not around. Missing? They're missing. They were somewhere in the backyard, I think. Going over what they had in the backyard. And I couldn't find them. And I couldn't talk to my parents about it because they don't like it with... They don't like hallucinogens. It was just a whole big thing. We couldn't go to the beach the next day. They said I messed up dinner that night. They took us all to Chili's. Trying to have fun. I'm still tripping at Chili's. Then the next day, we can't go to the beach because of bad William. Fuck. Yeah, it was awful. Man, that sucks. That classic Chili's family dinner. Yeah, and everybody's mad. And I'm seeing two chips of queso when I'm trying

to get it into my mouth. So I keep missing my mouth when I'm trying to eat stuff. Oh man, I fucking hate this. You probably had queso in your beard. It's everywhere. My dad's calling me retarded. It was horrible. He calls you that. He was calling me retarded that night. He calls it sometimes. Was it his parents or your mom's? It was his parents. So he's, you know, it's grief. I know. I know. It's grief. That's what I told myself. Okay, let's cut to a quick commercial. And then when we come back, let's talk about what happened to your grandparents on that shit. Yeah. I love my grandparents. They ended up on the bottom of the ocean.

Carnival cruise line is about to get sued. Because my grandparents are at the bottom of the ocean. They were trying to have fun on their 70th wedding anniversary. On the carnival cruise line, princess number two. And then they sunk with the ship when it struck. And iceberg. No, I'm kidding. It just sunk. They're now at the bottom of the Pacific. And I miss them so much.

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this podcast. And we are back with comedian William Montgomery. William, yeah, I think it's important to go into places maybe that are tough to go into sometimes. And I know right now a lot of people are experiencing losing families on cruise ships. It's the fourth leading cause of death right now in the United States. For sure. It's so weird once COVID hit. It's like these ships just started getting holes in their holes or something. I don't know. Yeah, they've been sinking. So were you close with your grandparents? Yeah, I'd see them maybe once a year. They would be down there and we would go down to Florida down to Gainesville. Yeah. So once a year and did

you talk to them during the year or anything like that? Yeah, we would talk some. My grandfather was actually weirdly enough Japanese and he didn't speak English. So we were not able to always communicate. Yeah, we did it like a form of sign language when we would be at their house. You never, you never thought about trying to learn Japanese or he never, why did you? Never thought. Yeah, I don't know what happened. It was very sad because we always wanted to talk to grandpa, but nobody learned. Does your dad speak Japanese? He doesn't either. Wow. It's weird. Yeah, I think when he came over on the boat to America, he never learned and I don't think he's been able to talk to anybody in America. I don't think in

Gainesville there was anybody that spoke Japanese. It was, yeah, it was kind of a solitary lifestyle. Your grandmother, does she speak Japanese? She didn't either. It was the weirdest thing. Nobody was ever really talking to him. So that's why it was so sad. It was like this very solemn, wise man, but nobody could ever talk to. That's what we always assumed. I mean, not to challenge you, but how do you know he's wise? I don't know. He looked wise. He would always have a kimono on in a headband thing. I mean, he looked like he knew what he was talking about, but nobody, maybe he didn't because nobody could ever talk to him. Are you sure it was, you're sure it was, he was speaking Japanese? Did you ever try to see? I have no idea. I always assumed it was Japanese.

I don't know if it was, it could have been anything. It could have been any number. It could have been a Filipina. I don't know. Chinese. Chinese. So, okay. So you see, so they go out on, you know, they go on a cruise. Yep. Yeah. Honestly, up until the stuff, crazy stuff, this would be going on when your grandparents go on a cruise. You're not thinking like I might never see him again. Never. No, that was the last thing any of us were thinking about. That was the last thing. It was all over the news one day. Yeah, it was all over the internet, all over the news. I mean, how do you even, it seems like cruise ships are, they like knowing that people get hammered on there and like, they make it really hard to fall into the sea, don't they? I know,

I know. And yeah, I said earlier that the ship sank. It actually didn't, they fell in. I think they were drinking. It was funny. Yeah, it was funny to say. Because I was thinking Titanic or whatever. I know, I know. But so yeah, they, they just were drinking and they fell over or something. Drinking and fell over. We don't know if my grandfather actually pushed my grandmother in and then jumped off because it seemed like they hadn't been doing well. So they're now about to open up this investigation. It's a whole thing. They think maybe he pushed her off. Oh, God. And then he jumped. Oh, God. I know. He was always the strangest man. We never knew what he was saying. He was always talking. But we never could, nobody could ever, he was always talking. He would never

shut up. It was the weirdest thing. You could, did you ever think about getting a translator or someone to come over and like? Too expensive. My parents looked into it. It was going to be too expensive. They never got the translator. That's a luxury. That's for sure. Yeah, having to, yeah. With inflation right now and all that. Like a translator is really expensive. You can't even afford milk. What are you going to get a translator to come over? Get out. It's like the same thing as having a chef or something like that. For sure. Yeah. Wow. God. Yeah, no translator. So wow. You're, you are seriously going to sue Carnival Cruise Lines? Yeah, that's what it is looking like. They need to have bigger,

in the state's rooms, they need to have a bigger thing on their balcony. They need to have a bigger fence around the thing. I mean, if my... I would block the view. Yeah, but that's just some people are going to have to deal with. They need wooden fences, I think, on the cruise ships, in the state rooms. But then why even go on a cruise ship if you're just looking at a fence? Well, you can look through the little holes. Didn't you ever used to look through the little slats in the thing, like at your neighbors? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, you can look at the ocean through like little, the natural holes that form in the wood. Yeah, yeah, just a regular old. If anybody's wondering what it looks like, just a regular old wooden fence. Yeah. Like your backyard.

You know what I got to say? Like if I have to choose between like losing my loved ones on a cruise ship or them not having a view of the ocean, obviously I'm going to pick not the... Totally, the ladder. I mean, you have to think about it. I mean, I'm looking at that wooden fence right now. I mean, think about it. You could totally see a nice sunset if your face is close enough to the wood. Yeah. You can get a pretty good view of what's on the other side of a fence if your face is close enough. Yeah. You know what? Now, when I heard Biden give that old press conference about how they're going to like regulate cruise ships now so the whole cruise ship is surrounded by fencing wooden fences, honestly, I just thought, give me a fucking break, man. Really,

like, yeah, you're going to take away our ocean views on our cruises. For sure. But now that I'm hearing your story, I'm starting to get it. I know. I know. It's interesting. I mean, normally if my grandparents hadn't been thrown, my grandmother thrown off and my grandfather throwing himself off, if that hadn't happened, I would think when Biden made that announcement, but I think they're one of the main reasons he made that announcement. Did he really call you? Yeah, he called me. Yeah, no, I rose a stink. I called the White House. I was able to talk to him. Not then, but I was able to talk to an assistant. He called me. Yeah, we had like a three hour conversation. How long between when you called the White House was it when he called you back?

Like 15 minutes. Wow. I know. It was really nice of him, but he knew I was raising a stink. I mean, my grandparents had literally just died. When you get a call from the president, what is that? Is it just him like, hey, what's up? I was so excited. I literally had to take my goggles off and use my pointer fingers to get the fog off of the lenses. But is he like, hi, this is President Biden. Yeah, he's like, hey, how's it going? This is Joe. How can I help you? And I was like, He didn't even say President Biden. No, he said Joe. He referred to himself as Joe. Wow. I know. It was really cool. He's actually really cool. I know because before that, I really didn't like him. He just seems like a real old guy. But yeah, he was actually really coherent.

Hey, we had a really nice, it was three hours. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Yeah. What else did, what are you, what else? We didn't even get to talk about my grandparents. Are you kidding? Yeah, we didn't even, we were talking about six flags at the beginning, which is the best six flags. What's the best Disney World Park? Which is his favorite? The one in Japan. He likes the one in Japan a lot. Yeah. Wow. I bet you are. I want to go to that one. I haven't been to that one. I think my grandfather used to work at that one. Wow. Yep. So that's probably why he was saying that because he was trying to get that one. It could have been. I didn't even think about that. I wonder if he knew.

Oh my gosh. They didn't even think about that. They know everything. That's weird. It's so weird he mentioned that. Whoa. Wow, man. Yes. Favorite is the one in Japan. He likes the Peter Pan right there, the best. Yeah. I've heard that's super. I know. I want to go on that one. I'm dying. God, I'd love to go on that one. Dude, I love collecting Peter Pan stuff. So just like to go there and get like Japanese Peter Pan. Could you imagine little plushies or whatever. Could you imagine? I couldn't even imagine. Look up there. You see that gap in between the Peter Pan that looks like Robin Williams and then the statue of Peter Pan?

For sure. That gap. That's the plushie. I think my dream is that's where the plushie for them. That's where the Japanese one's going to go. That ride is nuts. I know. It goes, I guess it goes like 700 miles per hour. Yeah. It goes really fast. Yeah. Really quick drop right at the beginning. It's like crazy. Nuts. I'd almost be too scared to go on it, but I'd have to. Real alligators too. Yep. I know. I know. It's crazy. I think I'd be scared to go on it, but I think it'd be fun going on it. Well, I gotta tell you, man, I mean, again, it's like this. This is probably going to, I don't want to get in trouble, but you know, honestly, this fucking safety culture in the

United States. Yeah. It's, it's, you know, and I, I'm going to make an exception for the fences around the cruise ship. Yeah. I know. I was just thinking, I mean, we really need those fences. Yeah. But the other shit, these like protections, I don't want, when I get out, I hate getting on a roller, I love roller coasters. I hate getting on a roller coaster and they force that fucking bar. Yeah. You got to get the bar on you. And it comes down. There's no choice. For sure. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Sometimes, I mean, you can't move. It's too tight. You can't fucking move. You're restrained. And I have said, I have said on the, on the thing, I'm like, Hey, I do not consent to you pushing this thing on top of me.

They probably still pushed it on top of you. Harder. Harder, this fucking little greasy, 20 year old ass. Greasy. Yeah. Just a shithead. He's like, sorry, and pushes it harder against seriously. Dude, it fucking, it's, it like screwed up. It's pushed my one of my moves down. Really? The worst ride, it was the worst fucking ride. Yeah. And then you can have fun on the roller coaster when you're, when your bosom is hanging down and getting crushed. Crushed. You're trying to have fun at six flags. You're not trying to get, I'm not trying to be like in a straight jacket. Yeah. I want to have a great time. I want to experience what it's like. And by the way, man, if you can't fucking hold on to a roller coaster. Don't get on the roller coaster.

Don't get on the coaster. We are weakening our citizenry. For sure. It's like, you look around and you see people like, I was, I was, I was at the mall and I looked in a grown ass man. He's standing at the food court and he, he like, he goes, oh my legs. It just like fell down because he couldn't support himself with his own legs. I guess his legs. Really? What's he doing at the food court at the mall? Exactly. What's he doing there? Get on a fucking treadmill, dude. Yeah, do something else. Yeah, but this is happening everywhere. All these people are just like, oh my legs, they fall over. They're falling over. It's happening everywhere. Yeah. God. I know. I'm trying to have fun at the food court at the mall. I've been walking around the mall. I'm trying to

have fun. I've been riding on the escalators. Dude, you can't remember in the 80s, the mall glory hole. It was just like everyone knew about it. You go to the glory hole, whatever you're into, you know, whether you're whatever you're into, whatever you want to give, you receive, whatever the thing is. Dude, it was normal. No one's watching you. No one's stopping you. No one, I got thrown out. Like, yeah, I watched this guy. His legs get fatigued. He falls down. And I'm like, you know, I'm not this isn't going to ruin my day. Yeah, going to the bathroom. There is a glory hole, right? I'm ready to go. I'm ready to receive. And then like, like, and right as I'm like, giving pleasure to someone whose face I will never see an active

kindness these difficult times when everything is so hot right now. As I'm doing that, fucking security guard kicks the door open. Slaps, slaps this gentleman's member out of my mouth. I heard the gentleman go, he thought I did it. So he goes, what the fuck? Yeah. And I'm like, no, there's a security guard. Security guard grabs me, opens the door, grabs him, doesn't even let him get his fucking pants up, throws this out. That's insane. When did that happen? Yesterday. Yeah, yesterday. I mean, that's crazy. That's the kind of society we're in now. It's a nightmare. People try to have fun at the mall. People have fun at the mall. I guess you don't want paying customers. Yeah, what? That's what I, you know, that's what I said to him. I'm

like, okay, I won't come here. Good for you. I won't fucking shop here again. Good for you. I'll use Amazon. Yeah. You know what? Fine. Have a fucking, have your mall collapse. Yeah. Maybe Urban Explorers will come in there one day. Yeah, they come dead malls for a reason. Yeah. They're everywhere now. Why the fuck do you think the malls are dying? You think they're dying because people don't like going into like a beautiful air conditioned simulation of like a city park and shopping? No, they're shutting down because the glory holes. Yeah, keep the glory holes going. They're not caring about a simulated park inside the thing. They're looking for a nice clean bathroom with air conditioning and a good sized glory hole, which by the way, in the parks of your,

that was like when you would go to the city, like town square. Yeah. You know, they, they didn't even have glory holes. You would just like suck and fuck. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what it used to be like. That's, that's what America used to be. Seriously. And now look at and now look, my grandfather is throwing my grandmother over the cruise ship. I mean, it's, you look, we got a little dark. I don't mean to get dark and I don't mean to get negative. It's just, you know, it's, I guess, you know, times are changing. And we just have to, you know, we have to adapt. We have to adapt, I guess. It's just frustrating. You know, it's just a front. It's sad. It's a frustrating time. I mean, people are getting cranberry disorder.

Yeah. Well, let's shift it up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shift it up a beat. Get back to Bosley. I gotta ask, it's rude as hell. No. How much are they paying you? It's a two year $70,000 contract. Wow. So pretty good. Yeah. I mean, it pretty much, yeah, two year, no, 35,000 a year. And that pretty much covers the operational cost on my head. So it's pretty much I'm getting a free Bosley, basically. Yeah. For being the spokesperson for two years. I have to travel around. It's taken up a bunch of time. But it's fun. Everybody's really nice. Mike Bosley is a hoot. I heard. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I heard. So when you're touring and stuff, do you get weirded out by the, like I saw videos on the Bosley website, do you get

weirded out when they're petting your hair and stuff? For sure. I mean, it's almost like it's not worth it anymore. Because Mike, he's always carrying around a gun. He has this holster. It has these weird diamonds on. It's like this bedazzled holster he has. And he has this gun. And then he'll point the gun at me and say, you let them touch your hair. Sometimes I don't want to, but he literally will take that gun out sometimes. And he's kind of joking around, I think, but he's pointing a gun at me. Well, you know, that's old school. It is old school. I know it's fine. I think it's Mike Bosley. He's one of the early investors in Enron. People forget about that. Exactly. And you know, like my dad, he was an old school

style businessman and like, you know, old school Texas businessman. And yeah, I remember like sometimes his boss would hold a gun on him and like. It used to happen. It was normal. Yeah. Just sit the fuck down. Yeah. It's funny. No one ever got shot. Yeah. Sit the fuck down. Sit the fuck down. Do your job. Yeah. No one got shot. No one did anything and like. Right. Right. You know, you would do your job. You would for sure do your job. I mean, you have to. You're going to do your job. Yeah. You do your fucking job, man. You're going to do that job. If somebody is fucking doing that job, you're going to do what they tell you to do when you're looking down the barrel of your boss. Yeah, you're going to do

whatever. You're not going to be like, can I go to the bathroom? Yeah, can I go to the bathroom? No, no, no, no. You fucking work. Yeah, you're holding it. I'm not running a pee business. Yeah, right. You can hold your urine. You can hold your urine like a man. Yeah, you can. You can hold your pee up to what, 10 hours or something? A long time. Way longer than that. Yeah, probably longer than 10 hours. Yeah, way longer than that. Like, I'm totally into it. Like, I don't know if you have read Hold the Live. Yeah, about the holding in the pee. How it's good for you. Yeah. Samuel Brown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, like he's like the, they call him like the Wim Hof of pee.

Really? Oh, yeah. It's like, now the average American will urinate every six minutes. That's insane. Every six minutes. That's insane. That's an insane statistic. Think of that. When you're trying to run a factory, everyone's all down on Jeff Bezos. But you know what I mean? Oh, really? You're down on Jeff Bezos, but you're getting these packages brought to your doorstep. You're down on Jeff. Every day. Every day. Oh, he's so awful, whatever. Oh, he's not giving his employees, you know, pee breaks. But it's like every six minutes. An average, you know, piss takes, I don't know, how long does average piss take? A minute or two? Yeah. You know, depending on where you're at with your

prostate or whatever. But, you know, minutes, some people a little bit longer, but add that up. So now you're, what is it? Three hours a day, you're paying your employees. Three hours a day, depending on how many employees. But yeah, probably around three hours a day. And you're, you know, you're paying your employees a minimum wage, which if you ask me, it's too high. It's a little too high these days. Yeah. So but still that adds up. So you're paying your employees like $5 an hour. Yeah. And then that adds up to $15 per employee per day. Per day. So that ends up where you are literally losing. I mean, it doesn't make sense. I bet Bezos loses $50 million a day. Probably a bunch just on people peeing in the factories.

Exactly. And I want my packages. So it's like, I'm glad that he has that rule set up. I mean, I don't care. People can hold it. People can wear diapers. Yeah. Or maybe, you know, I'm 100% for that whole tubing system that they're putting in. I know. That only makes sense, the tubes. And then you don't, you can just be working there wherever you have to stand in the factory or whatever. You can just, yeah. Pee in the tube. Pee in the tube. It goes, it gets sucked out of the building. Yeah. Or man up, you know, take the courses, you know, like, and learn how to hold it. Like, you know, you know when I peed yesterday at 11 a.m. No. Yeah. You've really gone that. And now

it's, I don't even have to. Seriously. So the courses work. Yeah. Cause what happens is your bladder pushes the urine back up into your body. Yeah. And you sweat it out. Oh, interesting. I wondered how that physically happened. Okay. So it's a sweat. Yeah. The bladder is like kind of a, it's like the appendix. You know what I mean? You don't really need it. We don't, like people, it's a relatively like new organ. It's like an evolution, a weird evolution thing. Mutation maybe. It's so weird. Yeah. Mutation or something. Like they just like, you know, people started growing these bladders about 300 years ago.

Is that when it was? Yeah. And it was pretty, pretty recent. Yeah. 300 years from evolutionary time. Yeah. So people before that were just sweating. Sweating out. You would just sweat your water out. It's like nothing is even weird about it. For sure. Not at all. I mean, it makes sense. And now we, now we TT out of those things. You TT. Yeah. Yeah. That's not what it's for. Right. That's not what it's for. That's your, that's given to you by God to experience pleasure. Not to. That's a pleasure center. Yeah. Not a TT center. Not a TT factory. Thank you. God. Yeah. I don't want to say they're TT factories now. They're not. They're not. It's not a TT

factory. Pleasure center. It's a pleasure center. And really it's like, it's kind of gross when you think about it. It's super gross. Do you really want to, to, to, to, to, to pleasure your lover with the tube? Yeah. Right. That you're, you know, spraying, like imagine this. Imagine if sweat came out of your penis. Yeah. If you spray just sweat out of your penis. And then, sorry, I'm getting choked up. I'm just, yeah. I mean, it's a bit, yeah. You spray sweat out your penis. Now imagine, now imagine right after that, your soulmate, maybe the mother of your children. Yeah. You want to satisfy her. And then she like, you know, catches that underarm waft coming from her. For sure. There's a tube. It's yeah. There's TT everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, I just think it's a,

it's just, it's. Have you ever eaten asparagus and then TT? Yeah. Why does it smell like that? Dude, why is that? It's a warning. Do you think you think we're supposed to eat about eating asparagus? Does that look like something you should fucking eat? No, no. It looks like a, I don't know. It looks like something you find in a spaceship crash. For sure. You go to these fucking vegan restaurants and it's like, oh, eat this nasty shit. It looks like Medusa's hair. Yeah, right. And then you eat it. And within like, you know, six minutes, if you're an average American, you're blowing out the stinkiest. The stinkiest piss you've ever smelled. So gross. Hill seals. Also, White Castle does that to me too. Have you ever eaten White Castle burgers?

Same thing. Well, it's like, yeah. Yeah, my pee smells like White Castle after that. Yeah, 30% asparagus and White Castle burgers. Yep. One of their people don't know that they use to cut the meat. Mm hmm. But yeah, delicious. I do like that. But yeah, asparagus, I get that out of my face. I don't care. Love. I love meat. I hate vegetables. And part of like, cutting down your urine habit is stop eating vegetables. Yeah, there's a lot of water in there. You Yeah, you don't need vegetables. Destroying the planet. Pretty much. Are you a fucking cow? Yeah, right. Why don't we eat vegetables? Yeah, why don't we fucking eat you if you're gonna go grazing and eating? Yeah, right. Green leafy shit. I want to eat you if you're fucking eating leafy

greens. I want to try how you taste. Meanwhile, shit's heating the fuck up. You look out at the desert vacation of huge swaths of the planet, the Sahara desert. I was literally thinking this Sahara right there, for sure. Used to be an asparagus for us. Really? And now look at it. Now it's sand. Yeah, as far as I can see. They ate all that fucking asparagus. They just went through and ate it and ate and ate and ate and ate. And they were like, Oh, it'll grow back. Uh, nope. Sorry. Fast forward 2000 years. And fast, like re, okay, fast forward 2000 years. Let's rewind again back 2000 years. And do you know that in those days, people were going insane because the smell of asparagus piss was just everywhere, everywhere. They didn't have toilets.

Animals. Animals were killing themselves. Like animals were running into fires, jumping into like all because of the asparagus, the stink. It like drives you mad. Like the smell of it. Yeah, something else nuts. The fumes of it are the exact same shit they use in the lethal injection chemical. Really? That's so interesting that connection. I'd always heard it had something. It was plant based somehow the chemicals for the lethal injection. I didn't realize it was asparagus. Yeah, man. That's how it is. Oh, yeah. That's what that's the because I always heard plant based in regards to lethal injection. I was like, what? That doesn't make plant based. Yeah, it doesn't make sense because that makes sense. The asparagus, they can

so they if you are eating asparagus, you are killing innocent people on death row. Yeah. Because when you the whole sewage system of the United States, it's set up so it can detect like asparagus piss that gets channeled into containers that get sent. I know those are giant containers. Have you ever thought about how big those containers have to be for all the waste? And then what do they do with those containers? Even worse. It's little. It's like plastic bottles. It's millions of plastic bottles. Oh, it is. It's not a big one. No, you would think they could do that, but it's millions of plastic bottles. The asparagus pee gets diverted into the bottles at night. They come and they like

put all that shit in a truck, put all the caps on. Yeah, somebody's job is to put all the caps on the asparagus fucking pee. I hate putting caps on water bottles to begin with. I can imagine having to do millions of those things. Well, they're doing either using like they use chimps now to do it. So it's like, oh, it doesn't have to be a person. No, they use like it's and I don't think chimps mind it. And they're pretty good at that. Oh, they fucking hate it. Oh, they do. Dude, it fucks their hands up. Have you ever seen a chimps hand who's been screwing caps on? It's there and also they're I've seen the hands before is that from screwing caps bloody hands every month they euthanized all the chimps and put new chimps in because the really mad from the

work and from like the occasional fume from that man. Yeah, man. Well, that's horrible. See, that's something I didn't even really realize. Yeah, a lot of people don't know this stuff. They don't want you to know. Yeah, they want you to think that there aren't that many chimps on the earth, but there's a bunch. So William, do you go to church? I grew up going to church. I haven't I haven't gone in a while. Last time I went was last Easter, maybe. Do you ever think about going in Austin like finding a church? Yeah, I have. I went one time in Easter. Yeah, I grew up going to church, but I haven't haven't been here. What about you? My wife and I, we want to start going to church. So we went to I'm not going to say the name of the

church. Yeah. Did you like it? We go to this fucking church. My wife saw like like the sign of the church. Yeah. And like Joe was Joe like, she was like Aaron was joking like, well, it could be a cult. And like, so we go to this church. This is true. We go to this fucking church. I will not say the name of it. Yeah. Within like 20 minutes of like, you know, fairly normal Christian church service. I guess they've been doing a book club. And I'm not even joking, dude. They stick people are talking about this book. And right away, they just start talking about fucking like, you know, really? Yes. So it's like, you go to a church thinking like, you know, I mean, I'm not sex negative or anything like that. But you go to this church, you know, just like we

want a normal church, maybe we'll like, there's something truly within 30 minutes being at this church, this like old French dude stands up. And he's like, I'm, you know, very excited about I can't do it for Jackson. He's like, I'm very excited about like talking about talking about intimacy and sex. Yeah. So just during the sermon went out, like we're kids in there and every there's just the other regular church service. Yeah, they're talking about that. It seems kind of strange. That seems like a funny first time to go somewhere. And that's all they're talking about. Yeah. Talking about like it was, but you know, they're trying to do it in like a like, a church way. So they weren't like getting obviously they weren't getting like, so did y'all go back? No.

Yeah. Yeah. Are y'all going to go to another one? Well, I don't think so, man. Like, I think Aaron kind of wants to go back, but I don't want to go back. Like I don't want to, I feel like if you go to a church and you get a weird feeling. Yeah, there's probably a reason for a weird feeling. I think churches can add the one I grew up going to there were a bunch of characters in it. What was the denomination of Christianity? Episcopalian. Me too. I know. I think you had told me that before. I think I knew that. But yeah, I got confirmed in the Episcopal church, but yeah, the church we grew up going to, people would raise their hands in the air, people would speak in tongues. That's Episcopal. Yeah, I'm almost positive. I don't think that's

Episcopal. That's not Episcopal. I don't know. I think it was Church of the Redeemer. I can't remember. That's kind of costal. Episcopalians, it's like, it's boring. I hate it. My parents would make me wear a button-up suit. I've always been chubby. Yeah, I would have to dress up. My fat would like spill over the pants that didn't fit me, and I would be so uncomfortable, and it was boring. Were you ever the acolyte? Yeah, I was an acolyte. Yeah, I remember acolyting. Having to light the candles and stuff, I was always real scared because I didn't know what to give the preacher when they were doing the communion. I had the, it was one of the weirdest experiences. It was my first, I don't know, Richard Dawkins moment. I am not an atheist,

I pray, and I believe in God and I love God, but it was my first real atheist moment. I was friends with the priest, what do they call them, priest or pastors? I can't remember now. Yeah, maybe either one. I think it's good. I was a friends of the pastor's kid, and somehow we're at the church when there isn't a service happening. He takes me into the room where the communion wafers are. He opens the drawer, pulls the communion wafers out, which, you know, I had been taught, this is like once a, the body of Christ, the cup of salvation. He opens them like they're fucking saltines and just starts eating them. He's like, they have little crosses on him. He's like, you want some? I'm like, no, man, are we allowed to do that?

That's funny. He would just go in there and eat the fucking wafers. Yeah, he would just go in there and eat the wafers and like they taste, they taste like shit, you know? Yeah, I remember this. Wait, so what were you thinking? Just like, this is a scam that this guy's even doing this. It's supposed to be some holy thing. I think I was too young to identify, I just, the feeling was, yeah, it was kind of the Santa Claus when you find out there's no Santa Claus or something. It was just like, oh, I guess that these are just, it's just bread. And technically, before the blessing of the wafers, it is just, it's just wafers. Right, right. That's the priest has to do the certain prayer over it. And then there's this

transubstantiation is what they call it. Then it turns into the flesh of God. Then you eat the flesh of God. But before you say the prayer, it's just crackers. Have you all drank wine? Yeah, back then they were just like, yeah, they would let you drink wine as a kid. And they would, there was like, they just give you the goblet and you sip it and they spin it around, wipe it. I know, I guess with COVID, now you probably can't do that. Everybody would drink out of the same cup. That's right. Well, the sex church we went to, there was like, people were drinking out of the cup, spinning. Oh, really? We didn't, but. Yeah, yeah. I don't think. Especially with the sex stuff. Maybe you don't want to drink out of all that with those

people. Drink out of your fuck cup. I don't know what, but have you ever been to, you know, a priest have to like, like, I always thought that priests, I don't know, like when you work at, you know, a company like Starbucks or Best Buy or whatever, they give you your uniform to wear, right? Like, they, you might have to pay for it or whatever, but they still give it to you. So I always thought in churches, they give you the robes, they give you the stuff. No, no. When I was in LA, I went to because I was looking for a Halloween costume and I wanted to dress as a pope. And so I went to this clerical garment store. Oh, that's funny. Thinking they might ask for ID or I don't know, something to show. No, they don't ask for ID, but there's priests trying on their garments,

standing in front of mirrors, like doing the angles, like when you're buying a shirt or whatever to see if it looks good on them. That's funny. I've never thought about how they get their garments. They buy them at like a target for priests. Was it expensive? Did you end up getting a pope thing? Super fucking expensive. Oh really? Do you still have it? No, I lost it. It was 150 bucks. I wore it at Burning Man and then like, I just lost it. But yeah, you just, you go in and buy the costume. It's not weird. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. I never really thought about how they, I remember at the end of the communion, if there was more wine or anything left, that people would have to chug it and eat all the bread. They had to finish everything. The

priest would gulp that, he would like finish off the cup. Finish off the wine. That's kind of awesome. The blood, the blood of a lover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay, last little thing, man, I got to say, and I know that maybe this is a little confusing for people out there as we are jumping around a lot of topics right now, but I got to say, dude, watching you at the comedy works this last weekend, it was the fucking best. You were so funny, William. Well, thank you. It was a pleasure. It was great. It was a good time. Yeah, it was funny. We ended up going after somebody on the second show, and then it was some people, we randomly ended up talking to after the show, the two characters. Yeah, it was funny. Yeah, I was yelling at some girl,

and then it was like, oh, actually, hold on, what do you look like? That's some new thing. I'm sure that's been done before, but it was funny going after the person, but then just saying, wait, actually, hold on, what are you doing after this? I've never seen a classic guy. I've never seen anyone capable of keeping an audience's love while still assaulting. How do you do that, man? It's the best. I don't know. It's just kind of what I've always, what I've done since the beginning of me doing it, getting, trying to get real intense at times and going after people, it's just kind of exciting. It's kind of fun. Do you feel like you're, do you feel like since you got your hair from Bosley, do you think it's helped your comedy? Without a doubt. There's a new found

confidence I haven't experienced in years. Yeah, it's actually crazy. I mean, that's my big selling point when I met these conferences, walking around, letting people touch my head. I mean, my biggest, my biggest selling point is just look at my confidence now. I mean, it's through the roof. Yeah. Yeah. Just because, yeah, I mean, I was totally going bald and now I have this full head of hair and yeah, my confidence is through the roof. It's spectacular. Listen, man, obviously, like I'm, and I'm married, we're monogamous right now. And like, so like, I'm, I'm, when I'm out there on the road, I've got low T, you know, I have very, very, very, very low testosterone and when low testosterone, micro penis. So when, you know, but that, but that being said,

when I'm watching, there must have been 30 women in line just to talk to you. It's crazy. I mean, it's happening after every show now. And I swear to God, it's because of Bosley. It's because I have this full head of hair. I mean, yeah, I mean, it's after these shows. Yeah. I mean, it takes up a couple of hours after every single one talking to all the ladies. I mean, it's crazy, isn't it? It's whinge of jealousy. You know, I know, I was hoping you didn't care because you're so sweet, letting me open up for you. It's so nice. And then yeah, all the chicks are, it's crazy. I mean, I'm sorry. It's embarrassing for me a little bit. Well, you know, it's, it's fine, man. I mean, I'm again, like, I don't have time. I mean, I,

I have my sex drive. It's just not there. Like I have no very, very low testosterone. See, almost none. But man, yeah, like, it is weird. Like I'm like, you know, talking to like dudes who are like into like Bitcoin and having like crypto conversations. I look over, you had the, I don't know who they were. There was like that team of models. Yeah, yeah. There were those five twins or five twins. Yeah, they played pool. We actually all went to play pool afterwards. They were really good at pool. It was so funny. Yeah, it was a quintuplets or I don't know how many five us, but yeah, it was so weird. They all looked the same. They were really into you, man. It's crazy. I mean, I swear it's the new found confidence

with this full head of hair I have. I mean, it's, it's really cool. I mean, I really was pretty down when my grandparents went down, but it's been good to be able to sort of rebound a little bit, being able to do those shows with a full head of hair. It's, it's very exciting. What's the offer code again? William Montgomery. Yeah. If you go to www.bosleyhairclub.com backslash William Montgomery. Great. And William, last question. I know if y'all go to doggatrustle.com Williams coming on all the dates you see there with me, but do you got any shows coming up other than that you want to talk about or anything in Austin or? No, not really just kill Tony every Monday.

And where can people find you? Pat106 at aol.com. And then that's always just stupid. Just William.f.mcgmory1. I try to make it a mouthful. That's my Instagram handle. William Montgomery, everybody. All the links you need to find, Mr. Montgomery, you're going to be at doggatrustle.com. The Bosley offer codes will be there. Honestly, I might have to cancel some of our coming dates because I'm thinking to go to get the procedure. We'll talk about that. Okay. Thank you so much, William. Yeah, thank you so much.

That was William Montgomery, everybody. Go see him at Kill Tony. Watch his podcast. See him live on any of my upcoming shows. And won't you please subscribe to my Patreon? It's patreon.com forward slash DTFH. An eternal thank you to our glorious sponsors. But most importantly, thank you for listening. And of course, thank you, Bosley Hair Club, for letting us interview William. It was really hard getting that interview. And I had to jump through a lot of hoops just to get permission to have him on the show. But I'm so glad I did. Come see me at Comic-Con or I'll see you next week. Until then, Hare Krishna.

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