Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 560: William Montgomery

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

William Montgomery, brilliant comedian, re-joins the DTFH! You can hear more of William on Kill Tony and The William Montgomery Show, both available wherever you get your podcasts! Original music by Aaron Michael Goldberg. This episode is brought to you by: Athletic Greens - Visit AthleticGreens.com/Duncan for a FREE 1-year supply of vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase!

Greetings, friends, it's me, Duncan. You're listening to the Duncan Dressel Family Hour Podcast. I am recording this intro from the road. So I will not spend a lot of time rambling up front here. And I don't need to, because William Montgomery is here with us. William is a brilliant comedian. He is my feature act.

I've been taking him all over the country with me. He is so funny. You might know him from Kill Tony or from his podcast, William Montgomery show. Super funny. And I'm excited to spend another DTFH chatting with him. Before we jump into this,

I would like to invite you to join my Patreon. It's patreon.com forward slash DTFH sign up. You will get commercial free episodes of the podcast. And if you want, you can also hang out with us once or twice a week. We have a weekly family gathering and a weekly group meditation. And I would love to see you there.

You'll also get access to our Discord server and you will join a community of beautiful, brilliant, powerful geniuses. That's patreon.com forward slash DTFH. I'm in Cleveland right now, but pretty soon I'm going to be back in North Carolina in Raleigh at Good Nights Comedy Club on April 27th through the 29th.

And then after that, I'm headed to Portland back to Helium. And I would love to see you there. All right, everybody, let's do this. Welcome back to the DTFH, William Montgomery. DUNCAN earthenware, YouTub3 Welcome. Welcome to You That You Are With Us

It's the Duncanhussle妖lluje. William Montgomery, welcome back to the show. How are you doing? Duncan, it is so nice to be here again, I'm doing good. When I walked to the potbelly sandwich shop though, I saw somebody to my left sitting on the ground and I wasn't paying too much attention.

They were begging or something and I looked and it looked like a burn victim and their whole face was like green. Like a green color and I wasn't paying anything. I know. That's horrible. So I just kept on walking. I kept on walking.

You didn't stop, you didn't offer them help? I didn't, I couldn't. I ended up tipping the lady at the sandwich shop a little because I felt bad back. Like green, like infection? No idea. I don't know. It was literally, it looked like it was some sort

of airbrush face paint, but I don't think it was like a green airbrush. It was probably face paint, man. It could have been. Probably like really cool face paint. But it was like on top of a bad burn thing, which is totally very sympathetic to that, but yeah, I looked on it.

You don't sound it. Yeah, it scared me. I was trying to listen to my Beethoven six symphony while I was walking down the street. You listen to the six. Man, yeah, you know, whenever I'm listening to Beethoven and I'm interrupted by the peasantry. Yeah, it's unbelievable what has happened to our country.

It's bullshit. I'm being sarcastic. Yeah, me too. I've been, I'm exhausted because last night I was tending to wounded animals. Were you really? Yeah, when I go on the road, I go out at night and I find like wounded animals,

birds with broken wings. Last night a hyena, I guess it got out of a zoo. Downtown Cleveland. Yeah, there was a hyena. Gosh, its paw had a thorn in it. So, and a lot of times when you pull thorns out of the paws of a wounded animal, they'll lead you to treasure.

That's what I've always heard. Is that why you did it? Or are you just normally you're doing it? The treasure is a side effect. If they don't lead me to treasure, well, if they don't lead me to treasure, I actually will have them euthanized. But that's not because the treasure is,

it's an indication that they're probably, their brains are fucked up. So, yeah, I bring a youth kit out with me and give them a chance. But yeah, the hyena did lead me to treasure. Damn, what'd you find last night? Butt plugs. Ooh, like a cache or cash.

How do you say a cache of butt plugs? Was it in that cool-looking museum they have out there? Did you notice that museum? It's like for sailors or something. Was it in, where was it? Under the museum. Under the museum. Yeah, it was a tunnel that the hyena had.

Like hyena crows, for example. A lot of people don't know what crows. Yeah. If you feed them, they'll bring you little gifts. They'll bring you like shiny things. I've heard about that. Like stuff like that. But yeah, with hyenas, it's sex toys.

And then, so when a hyena is in the wild, it naturally like seeks out butt plugs, vibrators, dildos. And just stashes them. And burrows under a building. And that's, yeah. I had no idea. I noticed some weird like laughing noises or something. And I was wondering if it was a laughing hyena.

Yeah, it was laughing. Oh my gosh. And that could have been you taking the thorn out. I was thinking, what is going on in Cleveland, Ohio, where there's a hyena? I pulled the thorn out and started laughing. And then it did that nod that they do. Or it's like, follow me.

So you earned it. And yeah, it was pretty good. Good butt plugs, like very well made. One of them seems to have been handmade. I always have wanted to get into butt plugs. But sometimes when I do do, and it's like too big, I've been eating weird or something. And it's like a real solid piece of shit.

It just hurts so bad. And I'll just have to be pretty much laying on the toilet. See, this is why a lot of people think, I don't do butt plugs for sexual stuff. I think that's really fucked up. When I use my plugs, it's 100% for health and athleticism. Great way to.

It's basically the same as the Wemhoff stuff, except it's a butt plug. Yeah, it sounds like the people stretching their ears. What do you slowly just get to bigger butt plugs? No, I didn't start slow. You started big. Pretty big one. Big, big.

Yeah, I went in deep right away. And I know, but my bowel movements are incredible. I could imagine. I chill them. Ooh. That's a little life hack right there so you can chill the butt plugs. Yeah, people don't know that.

I don't like room temperature. Interesting. Yeah. Maybe the first time, because maybe if it's a little icy or something, it could help. Look, let's pause. I'll let you put a starter plug in

that I've got some chilling right now. And then let's come back and see how you feel. Okay, let's do it. ["Springtime"] I want to thank today's sponsor, Athletic Greens, not just for supporting this episode of the DTFH, but for keeping me from withering into some kind of quivering,

unhealthy, jaundiced husk. Athletic Greens is the perfect vitamin for me. Why? Because it's not just a vitamin. It's a powder that contains everything your body needs. I can't keep up with the supplement routines that my friends keep up with. I can't do it.

I'm gonna take too many of a vitamin. That means I'm gonna throw up later. I'm gonna take too little of something. That means that later on in my life, I'll go blind. No matter what, it's just not happening for me. I'm not a vitamin guy, but Athletic Greens makes it easy. It's one scoop of powder mixed with water once a day.

It's the healthiest thing you can do in under a minute. This stuff is powerful. It's filled with 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole foods sourced ingredients of the highest quality that give me major benefits, like gut and mood support, boosted energy, and even healthier looking skin, hair, and nails. You should have seen me

before I started drinking this stuff. I look like I had been having relations with a vampire. I was withered, yellowed, dry, but not anymore, thanks to Athletic Greens. If you're looking for an easier way to take supplements, Athletic Greens is giving you a free one-year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs

with your first purchase. All you have to do is go to athleticgreens.com, forward slash Duncan. That's athleticgreens.com forward slash Duncan. Check it out. It tastes good. Your body will cheer. You will hear your mitochondrial DNA chanting the ohm

after you drink this stuff that is not written down. That's coming from me, non-athletic greens. I can't guarantee your mitochondrial DNA will ohm, but you will feel good. And we're back. Damn. What do you think?

I love it. It's in there right now. You can tell I'm sitting kind of weird on the chair. Yeah. That's in there right now. Could you tell that I have a giant butt plug in right now? No. You look so comfortable.

Yeah, I can see it's something you have to get used to. You look like you do not have a butt plug in. I know. It's impossible to tell. You couldn't tell. You couldn't tell. And so, yeah, it's like, talk about how you feel, like what compared to before and after.

How did you feel before? I feel, well, before I felt pretty constrained. I don't know, I was feeling kind of, ever since I saw that person out front that was green, kind of, I was feeling very melodramatic, kind of. And now I feel, I don't know, more powerful. I don't know if it's the coldness. You get those things really cold.

Great for stress. I still feel it up there. And that's kind of mainly what I'm focusing on. So it really does help in getting my thoughts away from these bigger issues I was having in my brain before. Because now it's like all I can think of is, is it going to eventually loosen up? And like it loosens up, is my butt all going to get used to this?

Because this, it kind of hurts, but it's kind of a good feeling. Yeah, you will get used to it. It's like, there's a little bit of discomfort at first, but then for me, like if I don't have one in, it's, I feel like I'm naked. Gosh, I feel like I'm going to get used to that. Is it normal for blood? When I was putting it in there,

a little blood was coming in. Yup, good sign. Okay, okay. That's a good sign. It means it's kind of stressing the anus. It's a cleansing. It's a purge. It's like a lot of our dark energies

are stored down there and the darker the blood, the more the blood. Like I've had friends who like you, they're like, I think I'm hemorrhaging. And you just, I just say, ride it out. Like, yeah, you are hemorrhaging. It's your ego. It's your power.

It's like all the stuff you've been clinging to in your life. How do they feel afterwards? Do they feel a lot better? Well, one of my friends had to go to the hospital and the doctors are gonna bullshit you because they don't want people to find out about this stuff. And so they were like, it's a hemorrhage. But it wasn't.

And he was fine. Honestly, I don't want, I hate being this guy, but when he was bleeding like that, I just kept thinking like, what have you done in your life? Yeah, he's probably, could have been a bad person. Not that you want to think about that, someone could be a bad person, but he could have been just a nasty.

You could think about it. I thought about it. I said it. I'm like, are you a bad person? I don't talk to him anymore. Was he just like on the floor when all the blood's coming out or is he still in the toilet?

He stood up. And I'd warn, you know, I told him, the whole thing I told you, read him that prayer. And he, did he stand up too fast? That was one of the first things you told me. You're like, don't, you're gonna want to, don't stand up too fast. He stood right up.

That's how you faint. Big burst of his purge blood and he slipped on it. Damn, yeah. That initial bit of blood coming out was a little scary. Yeah. That initial bit. Yeah.

It's scary. I've never seen that much coming out of my butt. Like I'd seen a little blood before coming out of my bottom, but nothing like that. It's joy. It's, that's the way, I mean, I, I consider it a form of tears.

They say that when you cry, that your body is releasing some stress. That your body is releasing some stress, chemicals, which is why you feel better after a good cry. You cried. I did cry. I was crying. So it's like from both ends, you're purging.

And it's just the tears of the butt by Stanford Tanslin on Amazon. That's how I got into this stuff. And he just talks about it. Oh, Stanford Tanslin? Yeah, Stanford Tanslin. Oh my gosh. How is he?

Not great. He's in a super max. He made it to super max. Super max prison. I thought you're talking about the super max Walmart. No, it's just a super Walmart. Oh, oh prison. Yeah, they locked is that they locked him up.

They don't want this stuff out there, man. They are in such control of the, you know, everything. Who, Amazon or Amazon is one ahead of the Hydra. For sure. They're in charge of it. I mean, you know, the Stanford Tanslin book, it's incredible. They still sell it on Amazon. It costs $400.

That's expensive. Worth it. But it's worth it, I know. Yeah, just think how much it would cost for like all the surgeries that most people have to get in their life. Hundreds and thousands, if not millions of dollars and this is gonna bankrupt you

and just read Stanford Tanslin's. It's a seminal work. Seminal work. It's a seminal piece of work. Combo sort of biography. The whole thing to me, like I know a lot of people look down and probably some of you listening right now,

look down on it. But to me, what's really fascinating about his story and you know, when I hear that, I get it. If you hear, like you go to the, you hear the story, you went to the pyramids, had a vision, saw one of the pharaohs putting a pyramid inside of him. The pharaoh said, this is how he built the pyramids. This is how we did the whole Egypt thing.

So, you know, and then he goes back to his hotel room. He had found a stone that like stood out from the others, a pyramid shaped stone. And he put that into his butt. That's, I know it's so weird. That's kind of how it started. If you really look back at it, that's... He could hear again.

He was deaf. And like as soon as that thing went in. He couldn't start hearing. He said he heard a bird chirping. Could you imagine? It started weeping. Could you even imagine? No.

I know his story is so crazy. Yeah. He was 19 when he first played basketball. That's just weird. He talks a lot about sports stuff with them. And it's like, man, we want to know about the pyramids. We want to know how you got this, just pretty much philosophy going.

We don't really care about your, your adolescent experiences playing athletics. Basketball, I don't care. I did find that part of the book, like really weird. It's strange to me that it's like the last 10 pages or the pyramid experiment. Yep. The butt plug and then the whole entirety of the book

or these like detailed stories about like playing. Yeah, the teams he was on. Yeah, horse, a lot of horse. It's like, if you're even gonna talk about playing basketball, talk about the games you played in. Don't talk about the little side things you were doing. Talk about playing horse. And that other one would knock out, I think,

where it's two basketballs and it's a lineup. People like who's really good at knockout. I'll give them that. But it's like... I mean, according to the book, honestly, I believe the pyramid stuff more than I do the basketball stuff. Me too, because you see the pictures of them

on the back of the book and he's like this. He wasn't good at basketball. He looked like not somebody that I would be betting on. No, not at all. To be good at basketball. Yeah, and especially that knockout game. I do miss that. That was a pretty fun basketball game.

Knockout? Yeah, it was a line of people and you have two basketballs and the guy at the very front of the line had to shoot it. And if they made it, they go to the back, but if they missed it and the guy behind them made the basket, you're out. Oh, so it's like standing in the back of the line, you feel stressed out.

Yeah, yeah. Freed out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, when like, I played basketball in college and... I had heard that. Yeah. Yeah, we would do knockout.

I didn't like it because like, I was all like, I don't want to brag. I don't do it anymore, but you know, it just felt bad. The person in the back of the line was always like getting knocked out by my shots. I know, that would probably be embarrassing. I know, it's just... I hate it.

I hated playing college basketball. I hated the stress of it. I hated the way it distracted me from my studies. And you were a starter for what? All four years, weren't you? Yeah, all four years. I didn't want it, but the team, like, they demanded it. They were like, you have to do this for us.

You know, you're on a scholarship. So who was it? Wally Russell? Was he your coach? Yeah. Yeah, Wally. Yeah, Wally. Wally the Wally.

Great guy. Great guy. I don't, I try on the podcast and not like throw shade, but... Yeah, he seemed weird. The articles I read. Coach. Did he not? No.

Y'all were like coaching yourselves. Weren't you pretty much? I was the coach. You were? Yeah, I was the coach. Wally had a cot in the back. Like he would just send us out and be like, you know, play ball boys and we'd go out there

and fucking like work our asses off. And he was back there snoozing. God, I don't know. I caught the nerve of that. The nerve, like in the locker room. We had a cot in the locker room. I can't imagine. It's the cot and you couldn't wake him up.

Like I think he was, I don't know. I mean, again, I have no idea, but was he on pills? Like, how are you sleeping like that? Like we'd come back there. I'd be cracking them with a wet towel, smacking them in. Yeah, the rat tail. That's a classic locker room. I would rat tail the shit out of them

and we would like, we would do dances, you know, all the classic locker room stuff. Yeah, yeah. Snoring. What a piece of shit. I hate to hear that. I want to calm a piece of, I mean, I think his philosophy, he said he was a, he was quote, dream coaching.

That he was like, like coach, he wouldn't, he would be asleep. He'd be coaching you on this. He was like astrally projecting and onto the court. Well, it's good if y'all are winning, but if y'all start losing, people are going to second guess that method. Dream coaching, that is a, seems like a controversial.

We were winning, but it's like, okay. You know, you could say that about anything. Like I could just be like, oh yeah. I'm, I'm dream presidenting right now or I'm dream, what, name it. You know, I'm going to start a company called Enron. Yeah. I'm running Enron in my sleep.

It's so, it's such bullshit. It really is. I wish I could have dreams like that. I never have dreams where I'm like, run it. I've, I've been working on it. I've, it's part of the book, but I haven't been able to yet. Yeah. Well, I mean, look, I know people who say

they're running companies in their sleep. My friend runs Amazon, he says. Seriously? Well, I'll tell you. That's a big one. I did, I mean, I did, I wanted a PS5 and they were hard to get. And so I asked him, can you like dream a PS5?

Like that we can buy some online on Amazon. Yeah. I was like, yeah, sure. And he dreamed up an offer code. Did it work? It worked. Yeah. It's almost demonic sounding. Yeah. I mean, no, he openly says it's demonic.

Seriously? Yeah. He says that, yeah, you, the way, like, I guess when you're doing this shit, I wouldn't recommend it for anybody to mess with demons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, you, apparently you, you fall asleep. And if you do this right, this breathing pattern, you wake up and you're in this corporate office, office.

Yeah. And like sitting on your desk will be the company that you're running. And then every once in a while, a demon will come in in a suit and just like flare at you. Where are my reports? Yeah. Where are my fucking reports? Yeah, where are the reports?

Yeah. Your soul. I smell your soul. Yeah. Yeah. And like, he just says, you got to break a few eggs to make it omelet, but fuck, dude. That sounds like a nightmare to me. So many people are messing with demons, right? These days, like it's all over.

They need to stop. Tick tock. This episode of the DTFH has been supported by better, I love therapy. My life is significantly better because of therapy. It is shocking how little we know about ourselves, how lodged in the invisible teeth of your brain are all these rotting bits of the past that you haven't fully digested.

And they emerge from you in a kind of behavioral flatulence, that thing you do that surprises you. Why am I acting like that today? That doesn't make sense. It's because you've got a withered bit of your past just stuck up there. And a great therapist helps you digest that stuff, reducing your psychic flatulence.

Better help. I hope it's okay. I'm saying this. This is definitely not in the sheet that you gave me. But truly, therapy is one of the best things that ever happened to me. If you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you gotta do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. I will add to what they're saying.

Sometimes you really do need to do that. It's not dating, obviously, but sometimes the therapist, it doesn't mean they're a bad therapist, it's just not your therapist. So that's one of the great things about BetterHelp is you don't have to move from one office to the next, to the next.

It's all online, and that is incredibly convenient. Discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Duncan today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Duncan. Thank you, BetterHelp. ["Tick Tock Song"] That sounds like a nightmare to me.

So many people are messing with demons right these days. Like, it's all over TikTok. They need to stop. Those dances, you think anyone could invent those? Like, have you seen some of these incredible dances they do? I wish more than anything, Duncan. I knew how to dance like that. That's what I think,

and that's the devil or something telling me that, I think. Definitely, because I wish I could dance like that. I don't know how they do it, how they pop their bodies and move around like that. Well, they don't, they don't do it. They're possessed. It's a devil thing in them. In them, like a demon,

the demon of dancing gets into them and like makes it seem like it's possible that these dances are extraordinary. They're extraordinary, I agree. They've studied them. They've studied them. Stanford is doing a study on them right now because it's like, just based on Newtonian physics,

some of these dances are important for like, oh yeah, a group of people. Yeah, how did they all do it together? Right, I'm not buying that. Perfectly synchronized. I'm not buying that. I'm not buying that. I'm glad Stanford is doing a study on that

because somebody needs to be doing a study on that. Look, if we don't come to terms with the reality that there are legions of demonic entities, of all shapes, all sizes, all color, all genders, all of them just trying to break through the veil, get into our dimension, get us dancing, get us dreaming, it's fucked up. Yeah, I can't even imagine it really.

I mean, I can't either and it's sad that you're tempted. Oh, I'm so tempted. I've actually started practicing a little bit in front of a mirror at night. Okay, I know, that's what I'm thinking. I was almost scared to tell you that but I've literally dug in, I've been practicing. I stand probably 10 feet away from the mirror

to get a real good view of the room and I can look smaller in the mirror but yeah. What dance are you working on? It's one where you start out where you're kind of smiling and you kind of bob back and forth on either leg and then you start moving your right arm some. Sounds impossible. You start moving your right arm

now that I'm thinking about it like a snake a little bit and then that's what kind of got me and then you start moving your left arm and then they start doing these things where they're moving their body and it's looking like they're popping and locking and yeah, I practice that. I practice it for 30 minutes past couple nights.

Are you getting better? A little bit. You really, you gotta watch out. But I need to stop it sounds like. I just watched the New Ted Bundy documentary on HBO Max and I don't think people even knew that he was doing dances before like his family was really concerned because they'd walk in on him

and he'd be working on like a dance and guess what? Here's a big surprise. Shocker, the dance from the documentary all the kids are now doing it on TikTok. See, people don't know that. People need to know that. They need to be getting rid of TikTok not because of China spying potentially.

It is because of that demonic stuff. Yeah, people don't know that about Ted Bundy. I'd heard that in passing the other day that people thought he was looking at porn or something but yeah, it was really the dances he was doing. He was looking at the porn because I guess like the way that people were fucking in the magazines would inspire dances in it.

I see. That was the only reason. She is a little creative. I'm not gonna give him any credit for that but it is, what a wild mind that is. That's a wild mind. I mean, look, not everyone, I guess he's not all bad. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't look, if I'm looking at porn it's not for the like sex. Right, I'm looking for milk, dominatrix sometimes, hand jobs, a lot of hand jobs. That's the most accurate thing. Edging hand jobs. And then sometimes it's only penis and I'm like, uh, William, what are you watching?

What's going on here? I mean, but you learn a lot from the penises. So without a doubt, that's why I watch them. You learn a lot about architecture. You learn a lot about like physics. You learn a lot about blood pressure stuff. Blood pressure stuff for sure. I found out I had high blood pressure.

I'm about to actually start getting high blood pressure medicine but I found that from one of the videos. How? Not that long ago. How? I was just watching it and then the guy in the video said something about, hold on, y'all have to stop.

My chest is hurting. And I was actually realizing at that moment that my chest was kind of hurting. And I thought, this is too much of a coincidence. Something has had, what is, why am I hearing my heart beating in my ear? Is this a blood pressure problem? Then I did a WebMD thing and sure enough,

I think it was a... Yeah, I diagnosed myself with thyroid stuff from watching bisexual porn. Cause I was like watching it. I was doing a study on Vincendio, Diego, the... Ooh, Mr. Diego. Yeah, incredible violinist.

And I just wanted to know what world he lived in. So I'm watching that and I'm getting an erection. So I go to the doctor. I bring the porn I was looking at. It's smart. It's a heterosexual male. Why would I be getting off on this? And he, he's like a thyroid.

His thyroid. Checked everything. Checked my prostate. Like multiple tests on that. That's in your bottom. Yeah. And he was... Could he tell you had been doing the blood plug stuff

up there when he was up there? Yeah, I had one in. It probably helps with getting checked down there cause it's already so kind of open up. Kinda. I would imagine. Yeah. And he was like thrilled cause I already had,

I had like put a special one in for like with his picture on the base of it. And he thought it was so funny. You're probably the best patient he had had. He loves being... He's still laying out. We like, we go out, we do like all kinds of stuff. I've been helping him like work around his house.

He's cool. That's always fun meeting a doctor friend like that at the hospital. Wasn't at the hospital. Oh, it wasn't. No, I don't get, I do not. I found him on Craigslist. Oh, cool.

Yeah, I've heard of people. Finding healthcare professionals on Craigslist. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't have to use any equipment at all. He was just able to like from examining, yeah, from like examining me thoroughly, you know, over the course of a weekend,

he like determined it's like some kind of thyroid thing. And that's how you know it's a good doctor if it's multi-day thing where they're able to watch. Multi-day, multi-night. Watch you win, yeah. Check my sperm count. Ooh. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, thyroid thing. What does that make your eyes pop out of your head kinda? Have you seen those people where it looks like their eyes are popping out of their head? Is that a thyroid issue? Yeah, it's either, it goes one or two ways. Either your eyes start bulging out of your head or you get like very powerful erections

when you're watching by porn. By porn. Yeah, if you're straight. I was thinking maybe I had that as well, but it's just maybe my eyes popping out of my head. Just for my eyes, I hope it's so big when I'm watching that. Yeah.

And stuff you're describing. It's just, I mean, there's erectile tissue in your eyes. That, well, that would make sense. Cause yeah, I mean, it's like, I can't, I'm blinking probably once in a couple minutes, yeah. Yeah, that's thyroid. Yeah, and your eyes get all dry, but you can't blink. You can't shut your eyes.

You can't. You can't look away. Yeah, like a typical like gay or bisexual man, and they're watching that. They can blink, they can look away. They'll get up and get a coffee, which I can't even fathom. Cause when I'm watching it, it is all hands on deck,

all eyes on screen. It's like, I'm not, I'm blinking once. By the way, that's so funny. You mentioned all hands on deck because that was what I was watching. Oh my gosh, you've seen that. Yes. All hands on deck.

Yeah. That's a classic. Oh my gosh. It's so, so good, man. For folks who haven't seen it and again, like, look, don't be afraid to watch this stuff because you're straight. Don't be afraid.

And I know why a lot of people don't want to watch like straight porn movies is cause the plots suck. All hands on deck is like, it's reminiscent of. There will be blood. There will be blood. The abyss. The abyss.

It's like a combo of there will be blood and the abyss. It's like, you know, early America, they're looking for oil. They break through into some kind of subterranean. Yeah. I don't want to spoil it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's weird. There's other stuff down there.

There's a lot of stuff down there. There's a lot of stuff down there. There's a lot to deal with down there. Yeah, they have to handle so many things to like get the oil, to get to the oil. Yeah. Goblins. Goblins, ghouls, demons.

And the tests that pass each of the gates to get to the oil. Ooh, they get hotter. Hotter and hotter and hotter. The higher gate you get to. That last gate. Woo. Yeah. Yeah, we don't need to give any spoilers,

but that is, it's like something I've never seen. I didn't blink at all watching that part. I was just as hard as a rock. I mean, that was before I was taking my, the medication my doctor prescribes to me. Oh, that was just right before? Just a little before when you were watching that? Well, I was testing the medication

to see if it was working. And actually, it didn't really work, man. It's like, it didn't work. Just not even a placebo, with the fact just nothing was working with it? Nothing. And you know, some of my family is a doctor

and I did mention to them, do poppers treat thyroid disorders? And he was like, yeah, usually they do. But my doctor said, just keep doing poppers when you're watching this stuff and it will eventually, you'll like. Yeah. And for those listening,

we're not talking about the things you get around July 4th that you throw on the ground and pop on the ground. We're not talking about those. No, that might, I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, that would at least distract you. Or something like that. No, this is the poppers.

I don't even like the name. It's video head cleaner is a better name for it. It's like the same stuff, I guess you used to use to clean VCRs and nobody realized it was a thyroid. Is that really what you have? Yeah, cleaning VCRs and stuff. Yeah, poppers sounds like a.

It sounds like a cereal or something. Or a street drug, cereal poppers. It just sounds, I don't like that. It's video head cleaner. Yeah. Video cassette cleaner. Video cassette cleaner. Medicine.

It's like medicine. So how are you liking Cleveland? We forgot to say folks, we're out here in Cleveland doing stand up and we're in a hotel room right now looking out. It's like one of these. I don't know what this is. It's like it's kind of weird.

Every once while you land in a hotel that is a mall or something like it looks out on a, I don't know what it looks like. We're inside of a giant Zeppelin balloon or something. Like a steam punky looking. Some of the designs look like that. Yeah, and there's a wedding. People are getting married down there tonight.

People are getting married. A beautiful bride was getting her picture taken across from my hotel. And I could see the plug coming out of her. She was tripping. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, like it's amazing how much this is catching on.

And it's thrilling. Like you just want to find the reason that things are off a little bit. I know. Yeah, one of the bridesmaids, I saw it. It was kind of, she was a little embarrassed, I could tell. But one of the bridesmaids was like, started pulling at her own dress like, look, look.

And then you can tell the plug was up there. Her dress was coming up a little because of the plug. Yeah, I could tell some of them, it was like first, second time, third time. You can always tell. Walking like a penguin, just walking where you're at walk. Yeah, yeah, but it's the walk of healing. Yeah, it is.

And yeah, I really hope that y'all look into it because the, I think 90% of the problems in the world that are happening right now are from unplugged leaders. Without a doubt, just stick one in in the morning time. Like at the beginning, I mean, I'm still so brand new to it, but at the beginning I was like,

what do you do it in the afternoon, the evening? It's like, just put it in the morning, get it really cold overnight. Is what I've totally learned from you. Yeah, yeah. Get it super cold and then put it in in the morning. You put it in, I recommend if you're a hot sleeper, put a cold one in.

Do it in the night before you go to sleep. And you will sleep like a baby. Whoa, cause I get super hot when I sleep at night. I always have to get the covers off of me. I'm a real hot sleeper. It cools you down. And then in the morning, you can take coffee grinds and just spit on it, dump or put it,

I put it in the coffee bag, pull it out and then. Put that up there. Oh, and that's like drinking a cup of coffee. Yeah, you will wake up. That's probably super power. That's probably powerful. Clear as a bell. Woo, Abe Lincoln used to do that.

Really? Yeah. He used to do that in the morning with like a wooden dowel. Damn. I know. That's why his teeth were brown. I think it can affect like the enamel in your teeth. It will.

If you put too much coffee up there, so be kind of careful. Yeah, there's a connection. But you know, there's definitely, if you use ethically sourced coffee, that won't happen. This episode of the DTFH has been made possible by Express VPN.

Friends, have you ever browsed in incognito mode? It's probably not as incognito as you think. And why would it be? Incognito mode, like the Chrome browser itself, is a Google product and Google has made its fortune by tracking your movements online. There's even a $5 billion class action lawsuit against the company in California,

where it's accused of secretly collecting user data. Google's defense, incognito does not mean invisible. So how do you actually make yourself as invisible as possible online? You use Express VPN. Every time you connect to Express VPN, you get a random IP address shared by many other Express VPN customers.

That makes it harder for third parties to identify you or harvest your data. Best of all, Express VPN is super easy to use. No matter what device you're on, phone, laptop, or smart TV, all you have to do is tap one button for instant protection. And I can guarantee that is true

because I use Express VPN whenever I'm out on the road, so that no one at the hotels knows what genre of porn I'm currently obsessed with. So if you really wanna go incognito and protect your privacy, secure yourself with the number one rated VPN. Visit ExpressVPN.com slash Duncan and get three extra months for free.

That's E, X, P, R, E, S, S, V, P, N, dot com slash Duncan. Go to ExpressVPN.com slash Duncan to learn more. Thank you, Express VPN. If you use ethically sourced coffee, that won't happen. Okay, like for me, the OBI, I think that's a good answer. The reason his teeth got like that was because he was getting his coffee from George Washington. Yeah, you don't get your coffee from George Washington.

You're the number one slave owner. That's an awful coffee. Yeah, that sounds like a nightmare. Ooh, what kind of, do you care if I have one of those? I don't know. I have a, do you wanna, ooh, do you wanna switch one? I have a coffee one. Do you wanna see what a coffee mint tastes like?

Yeah. How many do you put in your mouth? What? How many do you put in your mouth at a time? Three. Uh-uh. Guys, we're doing these lip beetle things to everybody since you know.

It's the Galexa dinorius green beetle. But a lot of people are using these to quit nicotine because they create almost the exact same experience as nicotine. Whoa, that's a big one. Look at that. Jesus, God, those things look dangerous. I would not wanna run into these things

when they hadn't been dried. Ooh, I just put a mint and coffee. Let's see how this goes. Hmm. So, William, it has been the coolest thing touring around with you, man. You are so funny. Yeah, well, it's been such a pleasure.

I'm glad you haven't minded it. I'm glad it's been all right. It's been such a pleasure. It's so, it's so fun. You are not only, you're killing it when you perform, but the audiences, they know you. Like, they're excited when you get on stage. Like, you clearly have this kind of homegrown,

which is the best kind, momentum happening. What, why? Where is that coming from? I don't know. I mean, it could be from my dance videos on TikTok. Like, I've been able to get a bunch of fun. No, I'm kidding. It could be.

Could be. I know, that's why I gotta get better at it. I don't know. It's all the Kill Tony stuff. Kill Tony has been such a pleasure. I think that's 100%. People just would know me from that. It seems like there's people in all the places.

It seems like there's normally some nice people in all the places. Last night I met, I was starstruck. There's a dude who does a YouTube page called Gas Station Encounters. And I was thinking about going there today and acting like I was stealing shit out of the thing, but I just slept in and I didn't go do it.

How many people are robbing that guy that he has a YouTube channel about it? That's what I asked him. He said it's heavy editing, but yeah, I don't know. Now people know about it, so less people are stealing out of his Gas Station south of Cleveland, Ohio. Yeah, it's funny.

Like just shop lifters and stuff? Shop lifters, people stealing liquor, people stealing candy bars, just all kinds of bullshit. But he's so funny where he dubs his voice over it and he's so funny, it was fun to talk to him for probably an hour last night after the thing. We went to some bar and then there were a bunch of weirdos in there I was talking to.

No, I'm kidding, people were nice. But yeah, oh my gosh, it's been fun. And Kansas City was fun, that's the last place we were, but I have liked it. I personally have liked it here a little better. Kansas City was great though, but just this hotel has been fun and the Indians or the Guardians

or whatever their first game was yesterday. So there was fun walking around and just tons of people being out. There's another game tonight, so we'll see. I wonder if like drunk people or people will come to like the second show since the stadium is literally right by the comedy. Flooded with baseball people, flooded.

Like the streets just flooded with baseball people. It's a sports town. I didn't know what to expect. I've never been here before, I had no idea what to expect. Actually, you know, my expectations were sort of not good because I think I'd heard the armpit of America thing that you hear about it. Oh, it's Cleveland, Ohio.

Yeah, somebody here, by the way, that's not, I didn't make that up. Somebody here was like, you know, it's the armpit. But I think we came in good weather. Yes, it's been cold, but sunny, which is very nice. Kansas City was cold and raining that first night. Remember, it just felt like... Yeah, it was dreary.

A dreary, yeah, it was kind of a, which just happens, obviously, I guess, but yeah, it generally doesn't, but there it felt kind of dreary. I mean, like, it's a big part of America. Is dreary half the year? Half the year, it's gray and dead and rainy and shitty. Like, you forget that when you're living in Texas

because we have like a pretty mild winter. It still gets a little dreary. It hasn't been bad. In LA, it's like... I know, I went to, I think I texted you yesterday, I'd never been to an MLB game before, but I had, because I went to a couple of the LA games and that just made me realize how nice that weather was

because I was walking around, thinking about going to the game yesterday and it was just like fucking freezing cold. And I was like, I'm sure in LA, the first game there, it's just probably wonderful weather. Yeah, beautiful. Stalled at a time. Now, you spent time in LA.

Three years, so a little bit. So you were doing stand-up in LA for three years? Yes. Where were you performing? At the very beginning, just a bunch of open mics. There was this wonderful, when I was living in Hollywood with Angie Hernandez, some girl I met off Craigslist,

and then there was some good open mic at a place called Next Stage Theater and they had a liquor store underneath it and you could bring your own alcohol into the Next Stage Theater. So I go there and just get wasted and do a bunch of shows. It was just a bunch of open mics and then slowly getting on some shows.

And then at the beginning, I went to the comedy store because I heard that was the place to go. I'd obviously heard of the comedy store, but I wasn't overly familiar with it at all, but I totally heard of it. And I signed up for the Kill Tony thing and then I was like, fuck this, I'll never get on it, just because so many people were signing up.

And I started going to some open mic by... That's where you met Tony? Kill Tony? You just met him? That's where I met him. Whoa, that's so wild, man. Yeah, just from that. Well, I stopped signing up for Kill Tony

and I started going, this lady who was in porn, because I looked her up on time and she sure enough was in porn. She was doing some open mic at some bar on Hollywood Boulevard. And I was going at that and it just sucked. And I was like, ah, the comedy store seems fun. I'll just fucking go back there.

And then literally the first time I go there, I had a 12 pack of PBR in my backpack because that was my go-to move, was taking alcohol into wherever I was going because I didn't want to buy the drinks. And I had to act like I got a phone call and I left and hit all the beers in a bush. But I was that close probably

from getting kicked out of that fucking place just at the very beginning. Wow, it scared me a little bit. What a crazy time we're in, man. When you think about the normal trajectory of a comic, like how it would work in the old days is you would, like when I first came to LA, people were still using pagers.

Yeah, yeah. So you would get a commercial agent and you'd have this pager and it would buzz you and then you'd have to go to a pay phone and you'd call your agent and he'd give you an address for some commercial audition. Then people had these things called Thomas Guides. Do you remember those?

No, what is that? So a Thomas guide was like some way you could flip through and it would give you directions to where you wanted to go. It's a map, it's like a big book, but it's like constructed to be- Oh yes. I think I know what you're talking about.

So all the comics had Thomas Guides in their trunks or in their glove boxes or seats and they would get pages from their commercial agent go on the audition after reading the Thomas guide and then during that time you were like, oh, just praying you book a commercial and then if you could book a commercial that would go on your tape.

That's what everyone, I regret it so much. People would send these audition tapes to the comedy store and there were just piles and piles and piles of people auditioning in front of their camcorders, doing standup in front of their camcorders. How long would a typical thing be just all different lengths? Just depended on how insane the person was.

Oh yeah. Some of them would be like really long, some would be short, but I don't know what happened to those tapes, man. I just- Did you watch them? Cause you were the talent person at the comedy store at one point, were you watching stuff like that?

Well, it didn't matter. It wouldn't have mattered if the funniest person on earth did stand up in front of a camcorder. It's not, it's gonna seem like 3% is funny. And not only that, it didn't matter because Mitzi didn't give a shit. She's not watching tapes. Like you have to come there and get in front of her.

That was the only way in, but like the roadmap to success as a comic in those days was so limited. Your options were so fucking limited and it produced horrific imbalances in power. Like club owners are still powerful, but in those days, God, they had so much juice because like the comedy store, the improv, the laugh factory, if they didn't like you, where are you gonna-

Right, what would you do? You gotta get an agent, you want an agent. You get the agent, the agent's gonna help you maybe get on the tonight show or get on some TV show, get on the TV show, get some fame, then you could sell tickets and that's how it worked. And so in those days, comics would go out on the road and they would leave like cards on the table

to get people to put their emails in. Oh. And they would create email lists of every state that they went to so they could send out email blast to let people know- When they were coming into town. That they were coming. Yeah, and then Dane Cook used MySpace, figured it out

and started promoting himself through MySpace and like all the comics watched. What is that, mid 2000s or something? Yeah, I guess so, yeah. I can't get over the map thing. I'm just thinking my dumb ass, I'm so addicted to my map thing on my phone, even though I've been in Austin now for almost two years,

I still look up directions to a lot of places where you pretty good at using the map. No, yeah, that sounds horrible. I'm not great with directions. Like I rely 100% on my phone to get most places. I don't even remember how the fuck I got around back then to be honest, like I can't believe I did. Like it's crazy.

And like I remember when cell phones started getting popular and affordable, like I can remember one of my friends got a, like the first cell phone in our friendship group and another of my friends like nicknamed him constant contact and was like making fun of him because he had a cell phone. Like really you think you need to have a cell phone? You think you really need that?

You need to, you're doing so great. You just must, everyone's calling you all the time. Like, and we would laugh, it just seemed so funny. Why would you get a cell phone? And now they are everywhere and everybody's always on their cell phone all the time. Yeah. Everywhere.

But like, you know, I don't think comics like us, I don't think we would have had the success that we've had in those days. Like, yeah, I mean, I would 100% and I was very prepared. Like for the past six months I was living, I was living in Denver for three years in the NLA for three years in the final six months.

I was in Denver, I was wearing some stupid neck brace every time I went on stage. And it was fun. I was able to kind of develop a character doing that. So when he called me up, I think I had done a little cocaine that night and I was totally drinking some, but I had my, I heard my name

and I just had my neck brace in my backpack and I strapped it on and it was like putting on my Superman cape. Not really, but kind of, I was prepared though. I was ready for it, but it's been, yeah, I have everything to owe up to this point to getting on that show and Tony's ass be a nice. I mean, it is so cool.

It's, to me, that's, it's the best thing ever because those gatekeeper models, even though that is a gatekeeper model, but it's a meritocracy gatekeeper model. It's random. If your name gets called and you go out there. But like the, when you get these gatekeepers positioned, like they used to be at the entrance

to where you had to go, if you wanted to sell tickets, if you wanted to be a comic, it warps people and it produces a very bizarre politic around it. Like, I could only imagine, I'm sure. Because then it's like friends of the gatekeepers become, and what if they're not all that funny or right? What if they're annoyed with you? What if you-

What if one of them doesn't like you, then you're screwed. Then they go and talk to the gatekeeper. Yeah. And they'll throw you under the fucking bus, man. Like they would- I believe it. That would, the comedy story that system was in place, like, you know, it's your big showcase.

It's like kill Tony in a way. And the sense that just to get in front of her, you were on a wait list that could be as long as like six months. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. What was that? Once a week, people would perform in front of the mixer?

But she was getting sick. So like, she would stop being once a week and became like the once a month or twice a month. And then it, and then, you know, you would showcase for, and she would like ask you to come back. She wouldn't give you anything, but she'd want to see you again. And or-

How many people would be showcasing like for that show when they told you to come back? Like, how many people are doing that? How many people would she normally talk to after the fact? She'd totally depend on that. Very rare that you would talk to anybody. Oh, whoa. You know, but so you've been waiting for this,

but also you've been hanging out the comedy story you pissed off the wrong person. So you get up there to do your showcase and the comic you pissed off would go up to Mitzi and start talking to her. Distracting her from watching you. And then you would have to like start the whole process over again.

And so it was terrible. So that was really happening to people where somebody would do shit like that? Oh yeah. Yikes. Yeah, that would be stressful. People would do shit like that, man. They would.

Like, it's the craziest thing. You know, I don't, you don't see it. Do you hold grudges? You don't seem like you hold grudges. No, not really. I mean, no, I generally, luckily feel like I don't have too many enemies. There's maybe, yeah, that's where I will keep it.

Yeah, I mean, I can't, nothing's popping into my head. Yeah, I don't. You know, like, I think it's normal to be annoyed with people. It's normal that people you avoid. Yes, there are probably some people, not many, but there's probably a couple of people I avoid. But some people, they're not like that.

They're not like, I'm just gonna avoid that person. That was annoying. That person's a dick. Yeah. They're like, I'm going to destroy that person's life because it's my job, because I've been slighted, and they will do shit that you see on a soap opera. And those people, they thrived in that gatekeeper environment.

Imagine, because you meet nice people doing comedy, but you totally meet. There's a bunch of characters too, especially at lower level or any level, but you meet some characters. And you don't know who you're meeting. Like, that's the other thing. Like, you might meet somebody,

and you don't even realize you've offended them. You don't even, or maybe you're drunk. That's the problem. That's what was happening to me personally at the comedy store. I think I kind of worried people at times at that place. When did you quit drinking? Two years ago in May. Wow, man.

What about you? It's been a little while for you, Hadner. It has, it's almost a year. Nice. Yeah, I remember we were in Phoenix or some, or Denver, and there was a bottle of- I have to look it up. Yeah.

Something, there was a bottle of like vodka, and you were- Denver's where I was, Denver, I was drinking still. But Denver, it was after Denver when I realized, like, this is not sustainable. I can't, if I'm going to be going on the road a lot. Yeah, could you imagine like, of woken up today and woken up? Why couldn't I say that?

Woken up. Could you imagine being all hungover? I don't miss that at all. Every now and again, like, if I'm socializing, I'm like, ah, maybe it'd be fun to be drinking some beer, but it's like, I would have continued to drink beer last night, I'm sure, and- It's just too easy.

Yeah, you can just buy it right there. You get so hammered if you're not careful, and it's fun, and you feel like, because you are around people who are partying, it's fun, it's their night out. Every time, right. But you, they're doing it, theoretically, that's not every, that's not their job.

Imagine any other job where you were drinking like that. We should be drinking for free if we wanted to, and it looks like they had a very nice beer selection. I know, I know. We'd be drinking a beer right now, I'd have some here. We'd be slurping back booze before the shop. I know. Yeah, I mean, some people can do it, I just can't.

Like some people- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Successfully drink, like their metabolism and their DNA lets them do it, I just- Yeah, I can't. I can't do it. Neither can I, I had a pretty good run, and I had some fun times, but then yeah, it just was too much. Right, if I would have, right, if I was still drinking,

which I can't even imagine at this point, right, I'm sure I would be drinking right now. I'm sure I would have been drinking pretty heavily before the shit yesterday, and then there's a very good chance. I probably wouldn't have been going out with your ass in the first place, because I probably would have bothered you, because I think I was bothering people when I'd be drinking at shit.

But it just wouldn't have been sustainable, because you know, just even last night, I'm sure the show's wouldn't have gone great. I don't know. Well, that's the thing, is like you don't even realize what you're missing out on, because you don't- You just had no idea, right? You're just torching bridges.

You didn't even know it was a bridge. Yeah. You're just incinerating bridges. For sure. And you think, when you're drink, when you're alcoholic, when you're drinking, your mindset is usually one of like, you have to reframe it at first.

So you reframe it into thinking, well, I'm a rebel, or this is a, you know, a wildlife, man. I'm the party guy. I'm the party guy. So you start painting this picture of yourself. It isn't what's happening at all. You're the guy who is like hard to understand when they talk.

Right. You're the gay and articulate guy moaning in the corner, are saying shit that doesn't make sense, that you're getting offended when people are like, what, what? Yeah, I know. But some people can pull it off. I don't want to seem like a fucking prude.

I mean, look, yeah, yeah, I don't give a shit. And I'm kind of high right now. I bought a funny bag of weed from one of the guys when I got here. You can say what you're actually, so he's on fentanyl. Yeah, I'm on fentanyl right now. But yeah, that's the other thing about it.

It's like fentanyl, it's so much cheaper than booze. Yeah, super cheap. And it's so much more powerful. Yes, just a tiny grain. I just do a grain. Dude, there's no fucking way I would have the butt plug the size of what I have inside of me right now with just beer.

Fair enough. Yeah, yeah, I mean, you probably have to be pretty relaxed. Completely relaxed. Completely relaxed. That is where you could injure yourself because I can bear myself to like, I'm like the Alex Honnold of butt plugs. Like the free climber, you know?

Oh yeah, the free climber. Yeah, because like what I'm doing, it would kill us. So with something that big, do you just stick it on the ground and slowly sit on it? Are you putting it in with your hands? Or how does that work? I jump onto it now.

Okay, okay. Because the slow thing, like there's too much room for error. You're basically just, it's mitigating risk. So it's like, slow, okay. I understand there's a lot of people out there on the circuit who are doing slow insertions. Yeah, they're just each their own.

And that's a classic way of doing it. The slow insertion. Insertion, slow. But there's so many like opportunities for error. Twitch of the hand. And then something inside of you is getting hurt or... Yeah. Did you ever see that video of the guy,

the horse having sex with the guy? Mr. Hands. Mr. Hands. Mr. Hands. You don't want it that long. You can get it wide, but not that long. Cause that what ruptured is insides or something. Yeah.

And like a lot of us pros watching that, when you're seeing it, you're just like, man, that could easily get up and prevent it. Yeah. Just horrified. And just in that dusty old barn, it's like get into a better location. Why are you literally...

Barns are great for... Barns are okay. Yeah. A lot of people love going into a barn to insert. And it seems super realist. I mean, it was... Yeah. It was real.

Yeah, yeah. You could tell from the noise he made. Like that was the noise of someone who had been mortally wounded. Like that's what was so fucked up about it is you heard this sound. Oh, I was like, ah. I can't remember.

It was like, I think we all remember it differently. I don't know if you find that video anymore. We probably all remember it. I remember it more like a... Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. This is something like that. Oh. Oh. And that, you know, shows me like, yeah,

you're not a pro. You don't know what you're doing. Yeah. In-breath, when it... Insert, in-breath. Insert, in-breath. Insert, in-breath. Take it out, breathe it out.

Take it out, breathe it out. Yeah. Yeah, but he was out-breathing on an insert and that is automatically dangerous. That'll do it, because you're tighter down there on the out-breath. Exactly. Exactly.

It's just so preventable. It was a tragedy studied. A lot of people in the Alliance studied it and... So some people at Stanford again? I think it was... No, it's the Insertion Alliance of North America. It's just like professional. Where are they out of again?

It's... China. China, okay. It's the North American branch. It's weird they're allowed to do that. What? Oh, or is it American people in China too? Why are you so against China?

I don't know, it's after the TikTok thing. I swear, I've been trying to do those dances. I don't know, because I can't do the dances and now it sounds like maybe I don't need to. This whole thing, everyone's so afraid of Chinese surveillance. Yeah, it's like, what are they actually... They're just gonna watch me

looking at my weird shit on my phone. It's like, right. But no, I don't think so. They're gonna get... They get a lot of data from you that is very useful for the CCP. It helps the country. It's like, look, I love America so much.

But China, wonderful country. And wonderful people. And most importantly, a wonderful government. Yeah. Honestly, it's like, if you're gonna have a government surveil you and your children, which one do you want? America or China?

China. Yeah. China. I know, I know, I know. I agree. I send to the CCP at the end of the day a journal of what I did all day. That's nice.

What is that, like an email address or something you're sending it to? Yeah. Chinesesurveillance.com. .com. Yeah. I've heard of that. Yeah.

I send a daily journal of what I ate, like how much water I'm drinking, weird thoughts I add, everything. Well, that's sweet of you. I'm sure they appreciate it. I have a very high social credit score there. Oh, so if you do end up going, you could immediately...

I would get in what, probably get like not necessarily the front of the line for the trains, but I would get closer to the front. I know, isn't that a main part of their social currency is the line for the trains? You get closer up in the line. Getting in the train.

Just get it, just even get a gun. Getting in the train, you know, everything is based on that score. Are there trains like the ones in India where the people are hanging on on the outside? No, they shoot those people off. Oh, okay. Yeah, they probably wouldn't be allowed to do this.

No. Oh my God. No. I worked with some Chinese people when I worked up in the Tetons. And one guy was George, who we got to be buddies. He spoke pretty good English. And on July 4th,

we were all sleeping in these dorms and I heard this weird crunching noise and I go up to George. I'm like, hey, what are you eating? And he was eating ribs, but he's eating the bones. And I was like, George, don't eat the bones, dude. Yeah, he was like gnawing on the bone, crunching it. I was like, I don't think you're supposed to eat the bone, man.

Holy shit. And I don't know if that's all Chinese people or just George. It's probably just George. It's probably just George. I know, I know. He was hungry. It was funny.

I would not, what are you, I just wouldn't even imply anything bad about any podcast ever again. No, I totally agree. It's probably just George. You should apologize. I apologize. To the Chinese Communist Party.

I apologize, Chinese Communist Party. To the Chinese. I apologize to the Chinese Communist Party. I meant to say it's probably only George who eats the rib bones. And I'm very sorry. Not everybody. I'm very sorry.

I'm very sorry. It's just today has been a rough day for me. It's just today has been a really rough day for me. I'm very upset. I'm very upset. At the United States government. At the United States government. said they would do.

Said they would do. Military Intervention. Military intervention. If there were a Chinese invasion. If there were a Chinese invasion. Of Taiwan. Of Taiwan. Taiwan, of course.

Taiwan, of course. Is part of mainland China. Is part of mainland China. And has always been. and has always been. Let me reiterate that I'm very sorry. Let me reiterate that I am very sorry. And I will never say anything like that again.

And I will never say anything like that again. Thank you God. Thank you God. William, it's been great having you on the show man. I know it's been so much fun. So we got a little bit of time before the show. I'm gonna record some commercials. Cool.

For the intro. I'll see you in. See you in a little bit. We'll be at three hours. Two hours. Sounds good. Thanks William. Thank you.

Bye. We are family. A good time starts with a great wardrobe. Next stop, JCPenney. Family get-togethers to fancy occasions, wedding season two. We do it all in style. Dresses, suiting, and plenty of color to play with. Get fixed up with brands like Liz Claiborne,

Worthington, Stafford, and Jay Farrar. Oh, and thereabouts for kids. Super cute and extra affordable. Check out the latest in store. And we're never short on options at jcp.com. All dressed up everywhere to go. JCPenney. Meet the bedroom suite.

By Thuma, the foundation for the perfect staycation. Time spent at home is the ultimate luxury. And Thuma makes it easy to stay in. With lifestyle enhancing pieces, like the bed, the dresser, and the nightstand. To get $25 towards the bed, go to Thuma.co. That's T-H-U-M-A dot C-O to receive $25 off your purchase of the bed.

Shop the bed at Thuma.co. That was William Montgomery, everybody. Check out his podcast, The William Montgomery Show. Come see me live, and you can watch him do some stand-up. You can find all my dates at dunkintrustle.com. Big thank you to our sponsors. And don't forget, subscribe to our Patreon. It's patreon.com, forward slash DTFH.

I'll see you next week. We are family. A good time starts with a great wardrobe. Next stop, Jay C. Penney. Family get-togethers to fancy occasions, wedding season two. We do it all in style. Dresses, suiting, and plenty of color to play with. Get fixed up with brands like Liz Claiborne,

Worthington, Stafford, and Jay Farrar. Oh, and thereabouts for kids. Super cute and extra affordable. Check out the latest in-store. And we're never short on options at jcp.com. All dressed up everywhere to go. Jay C. Penney. We are family.

A good time starts with a great wardrobe. Next stop, Jay C. Penney. Family get-togethers to fancy occasions, wedding season two. We do it all in style. Dresses, suiting, and plenty of color to play with. Get fixed up with brands like Liz Claiborne, Worthington, Stafford, and Jay Farrar. Oh, and thereabouts for kids.

Super cute and extra affordable. Check out the latest in-store. And we're never short on options at jcp.com. All dressed up everywhere to go. Jay C. Penney.