Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 615: Solo Episode

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

Duncan hosts a special road episode of the DTFH! His liver is NOT failing! It's an experiment. Where are our zyn pouches, congress? Duncan’s coming to Portland, OR, May 30th through June 1st! You can find showtimes and tickets at DuncanTrussell.com! Original music by Aaron Michael Goldberg and Duncan Trussell. This episode is brought to you by: This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/duncan and get on your way to being your best self. AG1 - Visit DrinkAG1.com/Duncan for a FREE 1-year supply of vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase! BLUECHEW - Use offer code: DUNCAN at checkout and get your first shipment FREE with just $5 shipping.

You're about to watch or listen to the DTFH, but first I got some shows coming up. I'm going to be at Helium in Portland, May 30th, 31st in June. First, definitely get tickets in advance for that because it's selling out. Then after that I'm going to be at Orange Peel in Asheville, North Carolina. That's June 11th and the 12th, I think, the June 11th show. One of those shows is sold out, but we added another show so come see me in Asheville And then I'm gonna be at good nights comedy club in Raleigh June 13th through the 15th then helium in Buffalo New York

Then after that side splitters comedy club look you can find all my dates at dunkatrustle.com. Do you have jaundice? Do you have jaundice? Dunk it. Do you have jaundice? First, let's address the issue at hand. Do I have jaundice? If my skin looks a little yellow to you right now,

it is not because my liver is failing. It's not because I have some kindice. If my skin looks a little yellow to you right now, it is not because my liver is failing. It's not because I have some kind of weird VD that is making my Billy Reuben levels too high. It's because I'm in a Kimpton and the Kimpton that I'm staying at in Milwaukee thought it would be awesome to use a nice yellowy, urine colored lighting throughout the room. So that's why I look a little on the yellow side. Also, I don't know how to do lighting. I don't know how to do video. I'm figuring it out and I'm starting to really love it.

I never thought that I would be into this. I always thought I would be an audio podcaster only because doing audio is easy. Like I just spent an hour getting everything set up in here, moving lamps around, adhering my camera to a chair, figuring out how to do like this, like whatever this lighting is, you're probably not supposed to do it.

I need so much more equipment, which is a real problem for me, because I am an equipment addict. I'm a gear head because setting up gear and plugging things in and getting things organized is so much easier than actually making stuff, which is why I love modular synthesizers so much because you could spend like four hours just installing the synth, figuring out how it works, getting the right chords for it, getting it to work with whatever your particular interface is, your DAW, and then

just stop and you haven't made any music at all, but you still kind of have this sense of having completed something, that's a problem for me. So getting into video is really bad for me. Like I'm already thinking like I need way better cameras. I need those cool lights that you can like plug in to the top of the camera. I need like some kind of those dome lights. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about.

I've just seen them. Overhead lights would be fucking cool. Green screen would be fucking cool. I feel like an idiot because one of my friends posted a picture of himself, I don't know, on Fox or something. And I'm so dumb because, you know, the background in news shows, it looks like they're in some kind of huge studio.

And it's just a giant fucking well-lit green screen. I'm so dumb. I can't believe I fell for it. Like, I'm so dumb. I can't believe I fell for it. Like, I'm so stupid. I really thought that they were in, like, some kind of palatial studio or something with a window looking out over Times Square. Like, really, really dumb, but they're not. I mean, it's kind of creepy when you think about that. It's spooky, right?

Like, that actually they're just sitting in a warehouse in front of a green screen, giving the perception that they're kind of in a human realm. When they're not, they're just in a warehouse. They're just people in suits in a warehouse reading off of teleprompters. And the whole situation is designed to make it look like they're part of the family that really freaks me out But I need a green screen because that would be so fun. I want that I want to put a news background with a view of Times Square behind me. It's so manipulative This is gonna be a solo podcast. I've been wanting to do this for a while

I'm not gonna belabor the point like I already feel weird weird enough doing it. Like who the fuck do I think I am? But I'm gonna give it a shot. Let's just see what happens. It's an experiment. Now that I'm doing video, I feel experimental. I want to do all kinds of weird things, you know? But a lot of those things I have to wait to talk about till I think 10 minutes into this episode because of YouTube protocol. You're not allowed to say certain stuff in the first few minutes. I don't get it at all. All right. Let's address what's going on right now. The important stuff.

Obviously we're getting buffeted by some kind of massive solar storm, whatever. I want to talk about the zen shortage. I don't know if you guys are into zen. I imagine you are. I think one out of two people, including children, are now addicted to these zen pouches. But there is a problem right now, because there has been a massive zen shortage.

Wherever you go, they're almost all gone. Like, I like wintergreen. I like wintergreen zen threes. By the way, this is not a fucking commercial, though it might as well be. I like zen wintergreen threes. They're great. If I do sixes, I'm fucked up. It makes me hiccup and I have projectile vomited three times because it's poison and it's an addictive poison.

And it's really embarrassing. It's very embarrassing. Like if you really wanna feel like you're not doing your optimal work as a parent, then just throw a Zen 6 in while you're driving with your kids somewhere and then tell your wife to just pull over for a second and then just open the door and fucking puke everywhere

because you're projectile vomiting from too many zens and then try to make that seem normal to your family. Like, yeah, just zen poisoning guys, no big deal. Just a random, you know, vomit sesh. Now let's go to the kids party. Come on, let's go. It feels really bad. Now threes, mm, threes, I could do these all day long. I don't know about some of the claims.

Like, I didn't see it, but apparently Tucker Carlson said these things are great for sex. I don't understand that, how that could be possible. But I would totally try it. But they are great for just sticking something in your fucking mouth for no reason at all. For my audio folks listening, I'm so sorry if I'm making visual,

if it sounds like I'm referring to something I'm showing people, but I am. You should go to my YouTube. This will be live. If want to see this riveting, scintillating content live. OK, let me open these things up. People who aren't aware of what Zen pouches are, it's more proof that Lucifer is the Lord of the Earth

and does exist. This is what they look like. These little pouches wrapped in bandage paper. Like basically some monster realized like oh like if I soak a band-aid in some kind of flavor and then fill it with nicotine salts and then shove that into my lip, then I will get this wonderful collision of two things, which is something sweet and the most addictive substance on Earth. And everyone is consuming these to the point

where they're running out, and it's a panic situation. Like you see people panic at gas stations. People are freaking the fuck out. This is a million times worse than the insulin problems, the expensive insulin. Guys, we got to get on top of this. Our leaders need to fucking act right now. What is going on? Let's speed up production, guys. We've got to go into war mode here. You want a civil war? This is how it happens. It doesn't happen because of some political bullshit. It doesn't happen because

you think that that Americans are so divided or whatever you're telling us. It happens because we're not getting our fucking zen pouches. And that's it. End of the line. That's the end of the fucking line. We don't ask for much here in this beautiful country. Give us like mildly paved roads, bridges that only occasionally collapse, movie theaters that aren't completely dilapidated, and nicotine. Give us infinite fucking nicotine. Let us have unlimited access to at least this and you guys can continue to vampirize the planet and I speak for everyone, not just for myself. I am in Milwaukee.

Did I say that? If I look yellow, I'm at a Kempton, I'm in Milwaukee. I just did shows at the Milwaukee Improv. Super fun. Super fun. It's the first time I've done this improv, and you know, anytime you do a new room as a comedian, it always feels weird because you just don't know what to expect, and sometimes it can be really fucking bad.

Sometimes it's not a comedy club, it's a haunted house. Like, that's happened to me. Not going to name names. But I've been in comedy clubs that are not haunted in the sense, like, bad design, shitty lighting, but haunted is in literally, there's a demon in the club that the staff will tell you about quite openly. And everybody seems weird because you don't want to be in a haunted house.

If you've ever lived in a haunted house, it's the it would be better to live in a house with bed bugs than a ghost. Like you you have to basically burn all your furniture and spray poison everywhere to get rid of bed bugs. But at least there's like a tried and true method that will probably work. But a haunted house, what are you going to do? Like some ghosts don't respond to Sage, which is such hyper bullshit, by the way. And it's a dream. Like really you think that just like waving Sage around your house is gonna get rid of the fucking candarian demon that some prior tenant summoned during a midnight child sacrifice ritual? You think your crystals are gonna do that? You really think that? You think walking around and saying positive affirmations is going to cause

the psychic doom entity that has attached itself to your house to just flap away because you got somebody to come and say some fucking words they read from A Course in Miracles. I don't think it works like that. You don't wanna live in a haunted house and you don't wanna be in a haunted comedy club.

Like haunted, I'm not talking about the comedy store by the way, which is haunted, but in kind of a good way. I'm talking about like, I went to this club. No joke, my feature was in the green room. And this is like, this is after the staff has told me it's haunted. And like gave an explanation of like, they had some ideas of who the ghost might be and that was the other scary thing. They're not quite sure who the ghost might be because so many people connected to the comedy club had died in the last few years. So it's cursed on top of being on it.

So they're not sure. Like it could be Jerry, you know, he hung himself a few weeks ago. But then it could be this other, this other guy who was a regular who like killed his wife. So they'd already like told me this and you could feel it, you know, when you go in a haunted house, you can feel it. It's like a it's like a thick, heavy, shitty feeling like you can feel it. It's like a thick, heavy, shitty feeling. Like you can feel it. It's not fun at all.

But if you can't feel it, one fun game you can play is whenever you go to somebody's house for the first time, just say, is this place haunted? Even if you don't feel anything at all. And if they go, no, why? Why would you ask that? Just act kind of like mysterious, but oh nothing. And like they'll be freaked out

for the rest of the time they live there. But if they say, yeah, it is haunted, then they think you're like Nostradamus. They think you're clairvoyant. You can be like, yeah, I felt the presence. You're a charlatan and it's probably not like an ethical thing to do, but it's very fun. And it's happened to me before, where I've been in like a new place, and somebody comes

over and they think they're psychic and they're like, your house is haunted. And I'm just like, no, they built it like two years ago, like the building with, like, I don't think it's haunted. I mean, maybe that's my own misperception regarding ghosts. Like who am I to say? Like maybe ghosts like to like find a newer building to haunt. I don't know. I don't know how it works necessarily,

but I feel like usually if there's a ghost, it's in an older place. Like the place, you know, like, have you ever like when you were dating, this is really fucked up, have you ever had this happen? It's so gross. You're dating, you haven't become anogamous with somebody yet.

You spend the night and you, like, put on, like, you know, a different shirt, because, I don't know, maybe you, like, you know, a different shirt. Because I don't know, maybe you like, who knows, maybe there's like, stuff all over your shirt. Maybe you had a really fun night. It's YouTube, so I can't say what I want to say. It's really fucked up! That's the other thing about doing stuff for YouTube! Like, there's a, I'm sorry, I'm rambling, but this is the whole point of doing this kind of podcast. When I was in liberal arts school, they talked about this really creepy thing that the state

understands, which is if you put a bunch of cops in an area patrolling all the time, padding people down, just generally making their presence known. Then eventually you don't have to have that many cops there because people start self-policing and that's called cops in the head. And so I guess what's brilliant about YouTube is that because of their sort of AI censorship model, we start self-censoring and we're really not 100% sure what we're censoring, like what we can and can't say. So it's weird. Like that's a very weird, we can talk about that later. I have a lot to say about that with like artificial intelligence in particular.

How creepy that is, that it won't answer certain questions because whichever corporation made it thinks the questions are inappropriate. And how that becomes so insidious, which is that corporations sort of begin to shape creation. That being said, I get it. if I was running fucking YouTube. I Don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it. I want to make money. I'm running YouTube I want to be a billionaire. I want I want to live forever. I want to be a transhumanist I want to get neural lace I want a fucking one of those new drone cars that you can fly around in I want access to the boat

Hemian Grove I want one of those new submarines that apparently exist that can go like 100 miles per hour underwater. I want to see Atlantis. I want to go to the Hollow Earth with Nancy Pelosi and see the fucking mammoths of the Hollow Earth. I want all of that. I want to see it. I want to look at the Forbidden Tomes. I want to watch the chest get opened up or the alien baby sleeps in or whatever the fuck they have. I want to do all of that. And so to get to the chest that the alien baby sleeps in underneath the Vatican, you're not going to get there from

like being artistic, probably artistic, maybe like autistic could be a good path or acoustic as they say. But if I was running YouTube, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna get an AI to do it because I want advertisers and like yeah I'm just gonna like I'm just gonna try to like just smooth all the sharp edges as much as I can so I can get those advertising dollars so that I can finally see what it's like to have my head sewn on to a healthier body which is coming they say that's coming what were we talking about ghosts Pellegrino at the Kempton I'm living large guys Reno at the Kempton. I'm living large, guys.

Ghosts. Oh yeah, so I'm at this haunted comedy club and the staff is like super fucking grumpy as you would be if you're working at like a haunted comedy club. And also you got the feeling, I don't know if they're like, I don't think they're getting paid enough.

Sometimes that happens too. That's a great way to have a grumpy group of people working there. And you can't get mad if people are fucking being grumpy. I'm going to get to the ghost story, but I do have to say, if you find yourself in a place and the devil comes into you and you have this thought, this really isn't very good customer service. You need to boof some fucking sage.

You're the haunted house, basically. Like, you're the haunted house, basically. Like, I'm not saying, like, there shouldn't be some expectation for a general kind of, like, humanity in a place. But my god, like, people get paid garbage money these days. And they get tortured. They get fucking tortured by their co-workers or by their managers. And this whole idea, like we used to have this idea. I fell for it for sure. I worked at a blockbuster video, guys. That's how old I am. Excuse me, I hope I don't, I actually

do hope I vomit. That'd be fucking incredible to catch that. This episode of the DTFH has been supported by Better Help. Friends, therapy is one of the best things I ever did for myself. I should actually go back to therapy. It's been a little bit, but anytime I've been in therapy, it's so great.

I'm always like, why didn't I do this sooner? I know why I didn't do it sooner. I didn't do it sooner for the same reason. I didn't go to the gym sooner for the same reason. I didn't start jogging sooner. Because like there's something about it that's really intense and maybe a little scary, but holy shit, it works. It's real. I think some people don't believe it's real. Some people feel like maybe they could sort of hack their way through some kind of issue that they're having, or the old classic, which I used to think I could do, which is just keep shoving the bodies into my subconscious.

Just fill up the root cellar of my mind with all the things I didn't want to think about, all the grief, all the worry, all the fear of death, and I'd be fine. And then if you do that, what ends up happening is in the same way if you're literally—and I hope you're not, I'm sorry, better help—if you're putting something in your basement that could rot, eventually people are going to smell it, and you're going to smell it. And the smell in this case usually comes with bad sleep, bad dreams, sudden bursts of weird rage, depression, taking two-hour naps,

self-medicating, all the fun stuff to just try to lice all the stink of all the stuff you're repressing or not dealing with. But sometimes you wanna go down in that basement. You need somebody to go down in the basement with you. Someone who's trained to go down there and help you deal with the cleanup situation. This is a good therapist

and this is why I love BetterHelp. If you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get match with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime in no additional charge. Sometimes you do need to do that with therapy.

Sometimes you will end up with a therapist that just is not the right match for you. So it's really good to be able to switch and they make that easy. Try BetterHelp. If you're thinking about doing therapy, try BetterHelp. You can go to betterhelp.com slash Duncan today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Duncan. I used to work at a blockbuster video in North Carolina, in Asheville,

like the outskirts of Asheville. And I fell for it, man. Like, there is really no difference between a corporation and a cult. Like, it's all the same model. It's the same thing. Like, a corporation has like two main jobs, manipulate the public and manipulate their employees.

And so, and obviously like make the most amount of money for the shareholders, that's the big job. And so to make the most amount of money for the shareholders, you have to manipulate the public, that's your brand. And I can remember when I was at Blockbuster, when you started, when like the rule was, you had to say hello to everyone who walked

through the fucking door. There was a time when you didn't have to do that. Some of you don't even remember Blockbuster, my God. So there was a time where you couldn't just download any movie that you wanted and watch it. Like you had to go to a store. You would go to a fucking store and you had to like pick a movie out.

And this, you want to talk about like, I think a study that needs to be done that hasn't been done is like breakup rates during the time of video stores. Like how many divorces were happening, how many relationships were collapsing. Because like even now it's hard. I don't know if it's hard for you, it's hard for me. Like if I'm like wanting to watch something with my wife, that can get stressful because we have very different tastes in what we want to watch. And sometimes I'm in the mood for the Bourne identity. I want to watch a Bourne. I want to watch Jason Bourne.

I want to see him run. And Aaron wants to watch something with Timothy Chalamet in a romance with some like, French dude. So like, how do you make those two things connect? You have to, you're gonna watch Chalamet is what you're gonna do. That's what's gonna happen. That's marriage. You're gonna watch Chalamet.

You're gonna watch Chalamet making out some beautiful French dude in a grove. Just pour another drink, sit back. The point is like at home that could be a difficult negotiation but in public in a video store like like, oh, God, it was the fucking worst. Because also, now, we all can download whatever it is we wanna watch. There's no limited number of downloads, and then you have to wait.

But at a video store, you just run out. They would run out. They'd have like maybe 20 copies of Aliens, and it'd just come out, and they piped it up. There's like cardboard cutouts of Sigourney Weaver that have been in the store for a few weeks. Everyone's fucking excited and people try to get there early to snatch that first fresh VHS copy of aliens.

So you go there and the movie you wanted isn't there and then you go to the horror movie section, which by the way, we've lost that because some of the horror movies they would have at video stores, you can't find them anymore. It's not just when you would rent a video that, there was this tactile thing where you have this object,

but it's been in other people's VCRs, right? It's been sort of copy, it's been penetrating's been, it's been penetrating other humans technologies that you'll never meet. It's been steeping in people's homes. So you will open up the the box and the box will smell like weed and cat litter, it'll have like spaghetti flecks on it. It was so cool. So anyway, the point is massive fights at video stores. And yeah, and like at one point, they just imposed on us out of the blue. When people walk in, you will say hello to them. No matter what, you

will not miss one person. Everyone who walks in a blockbuster gets a blockbuster greeting. And they hated it. People hated it. Nobody is that lonely. No one wants that. Like, if I'm coming into a fucking video store with someone I'm on a date with, like, I don't want that.

I'm already nervous, I'm weirded out. I'm like, fuck, I hope they have the new Halloween. I don't want some dude in stupid khaki pants and a blue shirt to be like, hello, welcome to Blockbuster. And it's not even special because the next person who comes in, hello, welcome to Blockbuster. And like no one wants the situation,

but some sociopathic person at Blockbuster corporate offices was like, you know what, people want a greeting. They want to feel welcome. No one's doing that at the other video stores. Blockbuster is very competitive. That was the other thing. A Blockbuster would roll in and fuck your little boutique whatever bullshit video store.

Fuck you, Quentin Tarantino at your boutique video store where Fuck you, Quentin Tarantino, at your boutique video store where you sit there and watch obscure fucking Japanese samurai movies and become one of the greatest filmmakers ever. Fuck you, we're gonna shut you down, and they did, and all these little mom and pop video stores just died because of Blockbuster,

and then Blockbuster died, and I guess that's karma. I think there's still, there's one Blockbuster left. But my point is, like, you know, it's, when you've been sort of inducted into a corporate cult, there's a dress code, you know, like, you join any classic cult, there's a dress code probably, at least on certain ritual nights.

Gotta wear like scarlet robes on the night of the seven wolves or whatever. But, you know, in a corporation, it's the same thing. Like, you've gotta put on a certain outfit. You have a certain, like, you know, set of things that you're allowed to say to customers and not allowed to say to customers.

So, like, if somebody comes in and they're upset about your customer service, you're not allowed to say to them, you know what happened to me an hour ago? You want to know? I'm going to tell you. What happened to me an hour ago? You want to know? I'm going to tell you. What happened to me an hour ago is the manager called me into his office, and he asked me if one of his nipples

seemed inflamed. And then he opened his shirt up, and he showed me one of his nipples, which definitely seemed inflamed. It looked like a clown nose. It looked like it was filled with pus. It looked like it needed to be popped, or maybe like a clown nose. It looked like it was filled with pus. It looked like it needed to be popped. Or maybe like a spider had laid a brood inside of his nipple. But then he accidentally showed me his other nipple.

And that was equally puffed up. And then I realized, oh, he's proud of the fact that he has clown nose style nipples. Like he thinks that's a positive. And he's trying to seduce me nose style nipples. Like he thinks that's a positive and he's trying to seduce me with his nipples. And then when I didn't react the right way, he started talking about how I'm not gonna have as many shifts next week.

So yeah, I'm really fucking sorry if I don't act excited about making your latte right now. But I just witnessed one of the most horrific fucking things that any, it's like a Epstein Island event just happened to me an hour, an hour ago. So I'm sorry, I'm a little rattled right now because in my mind, as I'm making you your fucking latte, I'm thinking of the alchemical maxim,

as above so below, I'm sure you've heard of it. Basically the idea being that, or in small things, all things, as within so without so. If some low level fucking manager at this shitty cafe is trying to use the power dynamic to hump me and they're so deluded that they think that their swollen, spider-infested hell nipples are positive. Then that, that means that this is happening

all over the world. Like at any given moment, there's probably, what, a million people in some dark room with someone showing them some swollen part of their body and thinking that that is going to seal the deal. And then if that's happening at like little cafes and restaurants, then obviously it's probably happening at every fucking level of power. And then probably the more powerful the people are, the more organized this sort of seduction

becomes, which means, yeah, definitely somewhere there are like lots of people stuck in horrible, horrible mansions where clowns, clowns, people dressed as clowns, but you look at them and you're kinda like, is that Lindsey Graham? Or just showing them their nipples all day long.

So yeah, that's what I'm thinking about right now. So I'm sorry, I know you're a human, I am a human, I know we both wanna be happy, I know that ultimately, ultimately, we're the same thing at some level, absolute reality versus relative reality, and that if we truly are in an infinite cycle of reincarnation, then you more than likely have been my mom at some point, and were very sweet to me as a baby, and gave me your whole life.

I know that, I know that, but how the fuck am I supposed to find any kind of real compassion when I know that's not gonna be the last time he invites me into his office? Darryl's gonna invite me in again. I don't know what he's gonna show me next time. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Do I tell people?

Do I like talk to the other employees? Well, I can't talk to Rick because Rick's really good friends with Darryl. They go to rodeos together. So this is the thing. When the customer service thought bubbles into your mind, which it bubbles into mine all the fucking time, because there is an inner Karen living inside of me,

she lives there. She fucking hangs out. And she, whenever she can, can she's like this is ridiculous. I just can't fucking believe this is happening. It's so embarrassing and I'm telling you if you let that Karen it's like there's like there's a Karen and then there's like a nice person living inside of all of us and it's like who do you give the frappuccino to if you feed the fucking Karen then that is that's who is gonna like possess you and you will become a Karen and you will embarrass yourself like I just saw

it man like in the wild I saw Karen I saw fucking Karen in the wild at this fairy cafe that I'm thinking about because she ordered a orange juice and the barista gave her like a like a like not a big cup with orange juice in it I don't know why they do that. It's weird. They kind of hoard fruit juice. Very strange. But it was a little cup. It wasn't a full-size cup. I think she should have had a bigger cup of orange juice because it did seem petty or something.

You know, it wasn't quite like the tiny little cups that like sometimes you have for like swishing mouthwash, but like maybe three times bigger than that. A little more than a shot. I'd say four shots of orange juice, something like that. Now that sucks. But her reaction to it was way bigger than it needed to be like it was like it was way bigger than it needed to be. Like, it was like, it was like they'd offered her poison or something, like, they'd been like, look, you know, we don't have orange juice right now,

but here's some fucking cyanide. Do you like almond milk? It tastes like almonds, bitch. Why don't you drink it? Your fucking heart's gonna explode. Like it was that level, like are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Look at this, look at this.

This is what you give me? This is it? Do you understand? This is not enough juice. I'm crazy, you had to watch it possess somebody. Not worth it. And but she caught herself which I thought was good. And the guy who served her the orange juice handled it like he's just like, Yeah, I know. I know. Not enough juice. But that's what they that's why I have to give you. I have to give you like not enough juice.

And like, you know, she was embarrassed and then she tried to make an excuse. She was like, I'm just having a really rough day. And that's the other thing. It's all that's happening, just having a rough fucking day. She reverted to being a toddler. Every toddler's like that, by the way. Toddlers are exactly like that.

Anyway, look, I'm rambling, which is the point of this, right? Ghosts, that's what I meant to talk about. I got very distracted, which I think is what you have to do if you're gonna ramble for an hour. So, this haunted fucking comedy club. My feature was in the green room by herself.

And there was a box, a Kleenex box. And she saw a Kleenex by itself just come up out of the box and fall on the ground No one had told her it was haunted I had gotten that information I was planning on telling her but before I could tell her she's like I just saw the craziest thing ever Kleenex came out of the box by itself By itself What does it mean Like what is? How would that even happen? Answer

in the comments skeptics, like what's your theory? Like how does Kleenex rise rise from a box like like a genie. It's okay, no problem. Kimpton, very passionate about cleaning. They, she doesn't know they gave me a late checkout. That's why she came slamming in here. She had no idea. I terrified her. I wouldn't want to walk in on me. What am I doing?

Walking on some bald guy talking into a fucking camera. With the window open. That probably scared the shit out of her way more than it scared me. That is terrifying though when you're just sitting in a room and the door opens. Especially when you're talking about ghosts. I could have died.

I could have had a heart attack. Thank God I didn't. Man, that would have sucked so bad if I died right now. I mean, it would have definitely been like, as a comedian, it would have been the funniest thing I ever did if I just fucking keeled over like That was what did it? Just the shock of someone slamming into my hotel room while I was doing a podcast

And just fall over the camera keeps rolling, you hear her screaming, you see the paramedics come in, he's dead. Like if, if there is truly life after death, I would haunt this fucking hotel room for a while just because I would be laughing. I would be laughing. I would be a laughing ghost. I would be a terrifying laughing ghost. I guess this is a perfect place to cut to a commercial. I probably need to go tell her they gave me a late check out. This episode of the DTFH has been supported

by my darlings over at AG1, saviors of my health, genies of existence. They have come through me to tell you about a way for you to resurrect yourself with the sweet nectar of A G one. It works. You know why I know it works? Because whenever I drink it, which I do as much as I can, I feel instantly better. It's good.

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have AG1 then you know I'd be going through the old cycle of my life which is like I'm gonna start taking vitamins and then I get vitamins and then I have to organize them and then I forget. I forget that I took them. That's the problem. I'm in a hurry. I take my vitamins. I forgot. I'm like oh I have to organize them and then I forget. I forget that I took them. That's the problem. In a hurry, I take my vitamins. I forgot. I'm like, oh, I need to take my vitamins. Then I double dose my vitamins. And then I'm puking.

And that's, I'll tell you, a vitamin puke, it's worse than a Zen pouch puke. It's disgusting. All that, all that fucking whatever's in a vitamin comes spraying out of you and it's humiliating because like at least with a Zen pouch, you know, you know, it's bad. You were just trying to like make your life better with vitamins. And now now what now you're just it's the exorcist. Whatever you have for breakfast mixed in with your vitamin C tablet and your vitamin D tablet and your multivitamin and then your alpha beta glutamine or whatever you're taking and it just it stinks. It has this pungent, acreage sort of garbagey smell to it. The contents

of your stomach mixed in with I don't know whole foods vitamins or whatever you're into. Look, if you're into that, go ahead, organize your vitamins, get a vitamin organizer. You if you could do it, do it, but why when you have AG1? It's delicious. You just pour it in your drink and you slurp it back and bam, your body sings like the angels. You feel it radiating through your body and it just makes you feel really good.

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One year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and 5 free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase at drinkag1.com Ford's lash Duncan that's drink ag1.com forward slash Duncan. That's drinkag1.com forward slash Duncan. Check it out. We're back. Was that weird? Was there a commercial there? Did I just get contemplative for a second? You know, I have noticed something though

with podcasting in general, which is It is hard to find like uninterrupted time like it doesn't really happen like I think there's a fantasy that we have that like you can find like uninterrupted time, but we live in such a turbulent fucking universe that things are always happening that like break into whatever like bubble of sort of like peace you were hoping to have. And I don't mean that in a cynical way, I just think that's the way it is. I used to imagine that it wasn't that way. I used to think that there is some place where I can find true peace. In other words, uninterrupted peace. Like, you know, tranquility,

as in no chaos variables invading. Like, once I went on a hike with my kid up into Pisgah National Forest, beautiful place. Way, way up this trail, this beautiful creek. It was so peaceful. Sunlight shining through the trees, butterflies in the air. My kids like throwing rocks in the creek. Laughing. It was like heaven. You know it was like it was if if you see that scene in a movie for sure that person is like someone's gonna die. It's too sentimental, it's too sweet.

Perfect. And then, like out of the brush, not from the trail, like out of the brush, this like shirtless dude sticks his head out and he's like, don't throw rocks. Don't throw rocks to the creek. Don't throw rocks. And just like runs away through the brush. Like, who was that? I think about him all the time. I always think about that. Like, how close were we to being murdered? Like, he'd been watching us, definitely.

Like, had he been huddled in the brush, just watching us throw rocks in the creek? I don't know. Maybe that was some kind of rule I wasn't aware of. And I'm sorry if there's hikers out there like, yeah, he's right, don't throw fucking maybe that was some kind of rule I wasn't aware of. I'm sorry if there's hikers out there like, yeah, he's right. Don't throw fucking rocks in the creep. But I mean, who is he? The forest sheriff?

The schizophrenic forest sheriff? Who the fuck was that? This is why hiking and scuba diving and snorkeling and swimming and walking at night. Like I have to be very, like I have to turn off a part of my brain because you really never know who's like watching you. No idea. Like right now, like I can look out this window. Right now, I could see like a mom, I think it's probably her daughter, a dad. They're walking together.

Dad's walking him back. He seems exhausted. No one's having fun. They're all pretty miserable. They don't wanna be with each other. They all want to go their own way. The daddy he wants to be like on a schooner in Miami. The mom, the mom she's thinking about her fucking boyfriend that she's been banging. The daughter is like,

fuck man, I gotta get some more smack, I'm like about to have withdrawals. They're not happy. Here we go, another couple coming. They're both like wearing black, black sunglasses. These are like serious, serious older ladies. They seem like severe and like they're really fucking good at scolding you.

And then behind them we've got like a, whoa, this lady is in like a bright green silk fucking like I don't know, Mother's Day extravaganza thing. A guy in shorts, flip-flops walking, and then there's, trailing behind him is like this sad lady in a pink dress who has been shown up yet again by the lady in the bright silk thing. The lady in the back lost, and she can feel it.

Anyway, the point is, they don't know some weirdo with a bald fucking head rambling in a microphone is like observing and judging them. You can't think about that. It's fucks up your hikes. It fucks up your day. Like there's so many security cameras everywhere. We've never been more surveilled and now that like we've never been more surveilled. And now that like, Meta has released those Ray-Bans that record everything, like everyone's just gonna turn into

a walking security camera. And then, you know, it's not gonna stop with the Ray-Bans, like it's gonna get into contacts, we all know that. And then everywhere you fucking go, you're gonna be recorded, identified. There'll be some like be some facial recognition technology they try to make illegal, but they can't. Not just a monitor being analyzed by some AI

that's just gathering data on you. Not even for the user, not even for the person wearing the fucking glasses, just gathering the data. What are they drinking? What are they eating? Do they seem happy? What do they seem to like, do they seem to want people

to say hello to them when they walk into this restaurant? Would that be a good policy? What do they want? Okay, can we find who they are by GPS? Is there a way to use some kind of data so we understand who they are and then we can start serving them ads based on what they're talking about at the dinner table?

That's where it's headed for sure. And you're just gonna have to cut that, you're just gonna have to turn that part of yourself off. But in the woods, fuck, swimming, ugh, like in the ocean, Jesus fucking Christ. I don't know how people do it. Like when I've gone to Hawaii and I see those like sun-baked geriatrics out there just doing laps in the ocean in

the morning swimming so far out becoming little dots on the horizon and then swimming back like fuck how do they do that? Like when I go into the ocean, like I can float on my back for like a minute before I'm thinking about what it's going to feel like. They say like getting bitten by a shark, it feels like you've been punched. How I'll just be floating there and be like, fuck man, it's a boat ran into me. And then look down and I just see my ribs and my intestines kind of coiling out into the sea.

Feel myself kind of like getting weak. Maybe I would think, oh, this is one of those dreams I'm gonna wake up and then before I could finish the thought just yank down into the water. Last thing I hear is like the muffled screaming of people on the beach That's the problem. Like that's the problem. I have to turn that part of my mind off Go in the woods Especially on a solo hike in the woods Sun setting

I'm like you just get that feeling, I think something's watching me. Something probably is, probably a squirrel. Probably not some bearded dude with a fucking axe who's had it with people going into their forest, but you never know. I mean, God, I got obsessed for the longest time with documentaries on the disappearances at national parks. I mean, obviously, I got obsessed for the longest time with documentaries on the disappearances at national parks.

I mean, obviously people are gonna disappear at national parks, like they're giant and like people are idiots. So, you know, lots of people just like go into the national park and they haven't thought it through. They haven't thought it through. They're so used to being in civilization and they don't thought it through. They haven't thought it through. They're so used to being in civilization and they don't understand nature at all.

And nature is like the Old Testament. It's laws are like, you can't petition nature if you like stumble and fall off a cliff. Like there's no chance to go on trial. You can't like defend yourself. You're like, look, I took Ambien last night. My wife told me like I need more sun. And you know, I just, we are in an RV nearby

and I just thought it'd be nice to go on a hike, just get some like me time, some self care and really like think about my life. And I was just so taken with how beautiful the view was from the side of this cliff. I just wanted to get a little closer because I wanted to get like a cool fucking selfie. And yeah, I didn't mean, I don't think I can fly.

I wasn't trying to break the law of gravity. But I slipped, like it was loose rocks, and I've been having knee issues for a while. I've got inflammation and a little bit of gout. I've been drinking too much. And I know the ambient's probably not helping. But yeah, I don't think I could fly. So please don't send don't like send my body

hurling down the side of the cliff to shatter and smash all over the rocks below. It's just, it's a death sentence if you break a law in nature. So do I think that national parks are where there are deep underground military bunkers with like, like people dragging people in them to do experiments? Probably not, but if I'm hiking alone,

that will occur to me. Have you ever wanted to know? Like, you know, you hear about this shit with Boeing, for example, so wild. Two whistleblowers, both of them happened to have died. One of them by suicide, the other by a bizarre disease that infected their body. I'm proud to say this episode of the DTFH has been supported by my friends at Blue Chew. Blue Chew is a chewable tablet that has the same ingredients in it as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but at a fraction

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Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bluechew. Don't you wanna know, like, what's it like? What do they look like? You know, like you're sitting in your hotel room, you're getting ready like the next day you're going to testify against Boeing, you're terrified. You've already been getting a weird sense that you're being followed. But you don't want to believe it. You're thinking, come on, this doesn't work like that.

Not in the real world. It's Boeing. It's a big corporation. They're not murderous. They wouldn't kill me. There's lots of people there who know this is happening and they're probably glad that I'm blowing the whistle because, you know, this could lead to like a plane crash or something. So I'm just being paranoid. You probably talked to your friends. You're like, dude, I'm pretty sure I just keep seeing this guy like in a, in a, in a baseball cap. Like he kind of looks like Matt Damon.

He was at the cafe. He was at the Target that I was shopping at. And yeah, I'm almost positive that I saw him in the lobby of the hotel I'm staying at. I could be wrong, probably nothing. So you're tricking yourself to try to imagine you're safe. And then, what do they look like? How do they do?

Is there a knock at your door? Or is it just like what happened to me? Your door just opens and standing there is fucking Matt Damon, a born identity. Just some dude who's going to kill you. That's got to be a, that's got to be awkward for both of you. Right? Like if you're a contract killer, because you know, what do you say?

We're like, sorry. Do you apologize? I would apologize if I was a contract killer. I would, I would just like, I am so sorry. Like this sucks so bad. Honestly, I know you're probably not going to believe this, but it hurts me more than it hurts you. I'm very good at it.

In about a minute, you won't be embodied anymore. But for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to carry this with me. I've killed so many people and it never gets easier. It never gets easier. But my dad did this and his dad did this. It's a family business and honestly, I think you did the right thing. I just want you to know that.

I think you did the right thing. I really hope you to know that. I think you did the right thing. And I really hope other people are as brave as you are. But I'm gonna make this look like a suicide. I'm really good at that. And I'm sorry about the whole life insurance thing because your family won't collect any life insurance, which fucking sucks. And you know what I would do I would like mail them money or like give them like some of this three

million dollars I'm gonna get paid for this but then they would find me probably they'd be able to track me like I've thought about it like how do I compensate the victims families and I haven't figured out how to do it yet oh shit it's been a little more than a minute So dude, oh my god, look out there. Do you see that lady in the cool pink Mother's Day outfit? And then that's it. You're dead But whoa, it'd be cool to meet them Who the fuck are they? What a crazy job

An assassin Like, I was an assassin. Like, every day when I looked in the mirror, I'd just be like, fuck, I'm an assassin. I fucking am a professional trained killer. Do they talk to each other? Like when the news comes out that like a Boeing whistleblower was like committed suicide. Are there other assassins who are like, fuck, that's Jake. Oh my God. Oh my God, he took the job, what an idiot.

So fucking desperate for money. I can't believe he did that. What an asshole. That was a good whistleblower. Like, do they judge each other? They must know of each other's existence, right? I mean, the Boeing thing, it can't be an accident, right? There's no fucking way.

Two of them? Two of them. And so brazen too. And what I love is like anytime it happens, someone at Boeing will like send their condolences. That's the funniest shit ever, is that somebody at Boeing has to write, this is a very, very sad day at Boeing.

My God, we are all so brokenhearted over here. Like, fuck. It's just been like a cry sesh. I've run out of Kleenexes. I'm just all day long. Everyone's so sad. We hate it when whistleblowers When we lose whistleblowers It's a tragedy

It's a fucking tragedy That that keeps happening to our whistleblowers. God damn it. I hope that doesn't happen anymore God damn it. I hope that doesn't happen anymore Shit is so weird. It's like when that guy that tried to invent they're almost invaded Moscow. What was his fucking name? That crazy Russian warlord. You remember that I Kind of got memory old I Can't believe I can't remember his name Like he had his own private armies and stuff.

He was rampaging everywhere, not just Russia, like in Africa too, everywhere. It was wild, like a warlord. Fuck, I wish I could remember his name. But yeah, you know, he was like, his plane crashed after he sort of invaded Russia. There was a plane accident. And then like Putin did the most insane, like cold-hearted, like, my condolences to his family. It's like, oh god, you fucking demon.

That's why it's, you know, holy shit, how long has this been? Oh my god, I guess I can ramble for an hour. Now the question is, can you watch me ramble for an hour?, I don't blame you. But sometimes I just think about this, like, are we the naive ones? Like, are we like, by we, I mean, like anybody who thinks I would never be an assassin. I would never be an assassin. I would never send out a hit to take out a whistleblower. Even if someone did try to invade my country, I don't think I would blow them up in a plane. Are we the idiots?

You ever think about that? Is that a backwards way to think? Maybe we're the idiots. Maybe the world we live in is a world of power. It's just crazy to me to think about. Like there's people, like there's people who are assassins. And I don't know that they do lose sleep about it.

I don't think they wake up and go like, oh, I'm an assassin. I think think they wake up and go like I'm an assassin I think they just wake up and they're like, I think I'm gonna go to the beach take the kids at the beach They're happy Feel good. They feel good. They're like that was a good hit like I'm getting so they talked to their wives about it Maybe they're like I've gotten so much better like about it maybe they're like I've gotten so much better like I've just devised like a new way like I totally didn't think like the botulism toxin micro dart

would work like it worked it worked untraceable dissolved inside of them like they really think he just died of some mysterious disease like obviously it's suspicious but they're not going to prove anything. It's a fucking micro dart sent by a micro drone. Wow, man, Boeing it like we're getting a bonus this year, honey. You know, while we're all like trembling in fear like these monsters, they're just happy. They're just happy. They want us to be, they like it when we're like taking compassion classes.

They're like, that's good. That's really good, yes. Cultivate compassion, you should. You definitely should, spend as long as you can really learning how to be compassionate. should spend like as long as you can like really learning how to be compassionate. And then they're just. On yachts.

They're just floating around on yachts, laughing, happy. Every once in a while getting like a text like. The Cobra has been. Euthanized. Oh, great. Cool. Got rid of the whistleblower problem. It's awesome. You want a sandwich? Let's go get the sandwiches on the yard really good today. I'm just rambling. I'm sorry. I go I go dark. That's the problem. I don't care. I'd rather be compassionate or at least attempt to be compassionate like I'd rather die a compassionate fool then a

murderous rational person I Mean I'd rather not die But I think I think that that's gonna feel a lot better You know going out like a sweetie. That's gotta be fun. I mean, and especially if you believe in reincarnation, you don't wanna be an assassin. That's a bad move.

Like in Buddhism, there's actually a lot of murderers, believe it or not. A lot of stories of like murderers who like met the Buddha and like converted and like serial killers, sorcerers. But the general idea is it's always a bad idea to live like that. Short term it's probably pretty fun though. Like, oh my god, to be a fucking Vegas, like Vegas assassin. To go to Vegas after doing doing like a successful Boeing hit and just sit down, relax at the slot machines. That's gotta feel so good.

I wonder what happened. Well, look, I don't know. Was this an abject failure? I don't know, was this an abject failure? I don't know. It was fun, it was fun. I enjoyed it. They're not all going to be like this. I'm experimenting right now.

You're going to see some weird versions of the DTFH or hear them as I experiment with the form a little bit. I just wanted to try this and honestly it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, which is probably a bad sign You shouldn't be able to talk for an hour to a camera, right? Like it's fucked up You should be able to do this It's not it's probably not a great sign, but I liked it was really fun It's like it definitely helped me like organize some thoughts thoughts I've been having about assassins, Boeing,

customer service, ghosts, hiking, and compassion. So I don't know, if you've been having similar thoughts, I hope you could relate to this. You know, there is, if you're watching this on YouTube, there's an audio version of my podcast, which you can find at dunkitrussell.com. If you didn't, if you made it this on YouTube, there's an audio version of my podcast, which you can find at dunkatrustle.com. If you made it to the end, I guess you somehow liked this. But if you made it to the end in a begrudging way, thank you.

I have, I think, maybe 600 or more episodes of great conversations with people that you can find at duckatrustle.com or wherever you stream podcasts. It's the Duckatrustle Family Hour. And a big thank you to all of our wonderful sponsors. And thank you for letting me do this. I'm really enjoying YouTube. All of the YouTube people, thanks for watching.

Thanks for the comments. It's fucking cool. I like it a lot. Like I didn't think I would like it, but now I've got the bug, man. I'm about to get a selfie stick. How crazy is that? I'm gonna get a selfie stick,

walk around with a selfie stick. Wow, pure entropy. I never thought that would happen to me. I never thought I'd be shopping for selfie sticks. But what are we gonna do? Stay the same way try to be cool. Just do audio podcasts. No, I want to get a selfie stick. I want to go to Target. I want to get a selfie stick. I want to go to Target. I want to get a selfie stick and go to Target and like throw diapers at people. See what happens.

Catch that, get the views, get the likes, get the faves. Speaking of which, like this, subscribe to this. Make the algorithm love me. Help me rise up through the ranks of YouTube. Accelerate me, rocket me up there. I want to be the old Mr. Beast, old and weird. I wanna give away weird fucking shit too. I wanna give away that pyramid.

Like if I get, if you guys can get me past like Mr. Beast level, I will try to buy the Great Pyramid at Giza. And I will fucking fill that shit with Diet Coke and Altoids. And just see what happens. Just fucking blow that thing up. Just blow it up. But I need your help to do that.

So subscribe, like, watch, comment, re, resubscribe, post, retweet, gram, put it on TikTok, copy and paste it, do reels, memeify it, but get me there, man. Just think how beautiful that beautiful fucking day, that beautiful day when we have tubes going in to the Great Pyramid of Giza and just so much Coca-Cola just pouring into it.

We've sealed it up so it can't leak out. And just think of that one. Finally, Coca-Cola fills to the very fucking top to the capstone right, and then we just dump a hundred fucking pounds a thousand a ton fuck it a ton of altoids right into the Great Pyramid of Giza and Just boom Watch it blow up blow it up No more Giza.

But what a memory. I love you guys, I'll see you next week. I think these are gonna come out like every Tuesday. That's the plan anyway. Hare Krishna. Goodbye. I can't believe that worked. Yeah, what did you guys think? Wow, that was quite something. I can't believe that worked. Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah wagering requirements. Get that OJO feeling and download the app today. 19 plus Ontario only please play responsibly. Concerned about your gambling or that of someone close to you? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit

connectsontario.ca Feel the fun! Play OJO! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, what did you guys think?

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