Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 653: Christina Pazsitzky

Episode Date: December 7, 2024

Christina Pazsitzky, a dear friend of the show (and also co-host of YMH and incredible comedian), re-joins the DTFH! You can watch/listen to Your Mom's House Podcast wherever you watch/listen to podcasts! Same with Christina's other show, Where My Moms At? This episode is brought to you by: Squarespace - Use offer code: DUNCAN to save 10% on your first site. ExpressVPN - Visit expressVPN.com/duncan and get an extra 3 months FREE when you buy a 1 year package. Soul - Visit GetSoul.com and use code DUNCAN at checkout for 30% off your first order!

Welcome my friends. God bless you. You're watching, listening to the DTFH. I'm so glad you're here. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, an uneventful Thanksgiving. I hope you experienced some moment of spontaneous gratitude. And if you didn't, I hope you didn't feel some kind of guilt for not feeling something that people are telling you you're supposed to feel. You're not feeling something that people are telling you you're supposed to feel. You're supposed to shove it out of yourself like you're constipated, like inside of you are all these gross clumps of gratitude. Isn't it the worst, the gratitude police, when the Thanksgiving police come a-knockin'? Oh, this is a time to be thankful!

Fuck you! Don't tell me when to be thankful. I'll be thankful when I'm thankful. You can't just spontaneously create thankfulness. This awful, tyrannical, new spirituality where there are demands that you be grateful and thankful or you're somehow being blasphemous. It's nonsense. Ridiculous. Feel the way you feel. If you feel thankful then great. If you don't,

great. You get to be you. Don't let some puffed up ayahuasca slurping crystal wearing fake smile having tattoo faced pseudo shaman tell you to be thankful when you don't feel it. But I do hope you did feel true thanks on this Thanksgiving because don't we have so much to be thankful for? BLEEEEHHHHH! Today on the DTFH we have a dear friend of mine, Christina P. You know her from YMH. You know her incredible stand-up. And maybe you heard she just had a run-in with the Big C and became a fellow member of the Cancer Club. We talked about this on this episode. Lots of other things too, but I'll tell you one thing I'm authentically truly thankful for

Christina P is one of my friends. So now everybody welcome to the DTFH Christina P You know, I was so checked out the last five four months from reality I don't I forgot it was election day when it happened. Yeah, cuz I was that's good Do I was doing whatever bullshit ladies do. You know what I mean? You are in the real world. Yeah.

Are we rolling? Yeah. You are in the real world. I know. Cause that's the thing, you know, by the way, welcome to the show. Oh my God, yeah, I love you. Thanks, I love you too. You're my favorite.

You are my favorite. I adore you so much. Yeah, you guys, you all have like built a very inspirational empire that all of us truly, it sounds sappy, but we, you know, everyone looks at that as like, wow, not only is it like producing like the best podcasts, but it's a community and all the people who work for you are so freaking cool. Well that's that we have a no shithead policy. A policy. No douchebags allowed.

Yeah. And you know we've been really fortunate as we all have with podcasting and I mean who fucking knew like 15 whatever 16 years ago like sitting on Red Band's couch that this would grow into that and I mean, I can't so hashtag blessed. Yes, hashtag blessed. It's crazy. I mean, no, because I think that is sort of the, to me, the best thing about it is that we got into podcasting, not out of some business instinct. No, there was no like analysis of a billion dollar industry and boy, we gotta get in now.

It was just like, what is this? It's fun, it's weird. And yeah, we got lucky. And that never happens to me. Like, oh my God. You know what haunts me? I have in my emails from when I used to do a podcast with Natasha, emails from when I used to do a podcast with Natasha

Emails from multiple people saying Do you guys accept Bitcoin donations? Because I would like to donate some bitcoins and I would read those and I wouldn't even respond because I'm like I don't have time to deal with whatever the fuck that is fucking whatever that Monopoly money is I set up a Bitcoin wallet. I can't do that. It haunts me.

Yeah, so I always miss, I almost miss everyone, but podcasting, we caught the wave. Agreed. I was so envious of people. You'd watch these documentaries and they're like, yeah man, it was the 90s in Seattle and I just started to play the guitar in this band called Nirvana.

And then, I don't know. And you're like, fuck you, dude. Why are you that guy? And to think that my life should not have gone this well, truly, and you know what I mean? Comedians, you look at your childhood, and you're like, oh, I shouldn't, it was, I was on a bad thing and then, wow, I got really lucky.

Yeah, it's so lucky. That imposter syndrome, that sense of like, how the fuck does any of this make sense? None of it makes sense. But you know, I remember at the store, like when you were a comic, people would come and watch on stage. No, stop it Duncan. That's not true.

Deep respect. Okay, let me tell... Can I tell my story about you, which I love? What? You were a young Duncan Trussell. You were in your velvet jacket phase. Oh, God. Which I admired so much, because I think you were the first comic I saw like, oh, he actually cares about his appearance?

Yeah. Because all of us, the whole vibe then was just to look like shit. Everybody just looked like shit. And you're up there and you're at the Laugh Factory, which is like the McDonald's of the comedy club world. And it's fine. It is what it is. It's mostly tourists.

It's on sunset, but the lower part, whatever. And you're talking about suicide of all things. And not only that, I believe it was like a callback for Montreal Comedy Festival or something. Oh yeah. Something really high stakes. Yeah. And I was like, that's an artist,

like a guy who wants to do what he wants to do. And you're not like, oh, if I don't get into Montreal this year, but I think you fucking did cause you're so talented. I did. And guess what happened? I ate shit at New Faces. Of course!

That's how it goes. Just ate shit. And smoldering shit. And what you were seeing there was actually not to... I would love that story to be true. Like, oh, God. What you were seeing there was pure idiot hubris. Because what had happened is, I'd gotten a writing job for the first time. And I was

making more money than I'd ever made. Not understanding commissions, taxes or anything at all. What was the gig? Do you remember? It was for this prank show with this British comic named Mark Wooten, I think. The house are so big in like, 05. Yes, yes. Like MTV started it or something, right? Everybody was doing a fucking prank show, yeah. He was sort of, he is, he had this great show in the UK where he would basically, the way the game worked is he would come and visit you for a weekend

and ruin your life. If you could make it through the weekend, you won some money. If you send him away, you lose. He would destroy your life. And people knew he was a disaster? No one, you had to play along with him. So like, you know, if he was like with like,

one dude was like, you know, into like rugby and he goes out with his rugby friends at a bar and Wooten's just playing this like super gay dude and like they were obviously lovers in the past and his friends are like, what the fuck is this? That's great. Or he would like write letters. He would get them to sign letters that he wrote

quitting their job and just ruin their life. Oh, that's a good prank show. How did I miss this? I, you know, he, I don't know. He did a fake clairvoyant, surely ghostman. Then he comes to the US to do a prank show. His goal being to essentially like just attack Hollywood. Yeah.

He got brutalized. to essentially just attack Hollywood. He got brutalized. They did not want to. I'm trying to think. Really? I just remember he went to prank the dad from Growing Pains. What's that guy's name? Oh yeah.

His son is a singer. What's his name? God, that show is just... I remember growing up and having to watch that shit. Dude, awful. Insane. Show me that smile. I think I still burned into my memory.

That guy almost kicked his ass. Alan Thicke threw him on the ground. Almost kicked his ass. I think he attacked Omarosa. He did something to Omarosa. And Omarosa was chasing him in a car, like they were just like, fuck you. And it was brutal.

But yeah, you know, I went on stage to like audition for Montreal with the idiot confidence of someone who has the real wrong idea about what success is. Like you got a writing job, who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? So I had idiot confidence. Look, I couldn't tell and it was a very,

it was one of those moments where you're like, oh, you can do that. Like you can go up there and do something really daring and also like even physically look different than people. And then you were doing the ventriloquist. Yeah. I mean, it was like, who are you? You're just this cool space alien.

Yeah. I was just, I love conceptual comedy and you know, I'll tell you, like, I remember when I went to do YMH with you and Tom for the first time. Which city? Which iteration? It was far away from... Redondo. It was like in our... We lived in a guest house, like a 900 square foot guest house.

Yeah. And, you know, there was like, Tom's weights were outside. Yeah, that was a good one. And it was... But still, even then, I was impressed because I'm like, whoa, look how organized they are. Like, look, you how organized they are. Like, look, you guys had already sort of set up a little podcast studio situation.

It was the embryo of what it grew into. And so now, anytime I go to do your shows, I walk into it, it is a TV studio. Like, it is a fully functioning TV studio with organized staff. Wow. It's crazy, dude. And here's a, and it's also a dream because you've written for television as I have.

I was a writer on Chelsea Lately and in a few other shows. You know when you're like, God, this could be so much better. Like, why does this fucking suck? Why is like the FCC telling me I can't say crap? Or why do I, oh, wouldn't it be great to just do something you want? I mean, that's the best part of podcasting is, yeah, you can just do what you want. And you can crank it out fast. And no one's going to give you notes.

That's the worst part is some executive telling you what's funny or what will work better. And have you ever done like a network? Sure. Yeah, sure. You know, we had to, we wanted, on the Midnight Gospel, we wanted to do a gag involving the thinking man, you know? I don't even remember what it was. But the note we got back was, okay, to like do this gag in the way you want to do, you actually have to meet with a council of artists from Paris to get permission to do it. Somehow it's, I didn't, it was the most absurd thing I'd ever heard in my life.

And that was Netflix and they're far less stringent than network shows. Like I can't even imagine Chelsea Laley, like the notes you guys were getting all the time. I'll tell you, what I always thought was really funny was Brody Stevens, who was the warmup guy at the time. God bless him. Anyway, I would watch him every day warm up the audience,

because he was so bizarre and so fun. He'd be like, positive push, yes! yes Chelsea is real so you need to be real and then he would come out with a tambourine and the drumsticks and I was like this is gosh I wish this well yeah you know yeah that's the fucking that's the lamest you can't be who you are and that was painful for me and podcasting was dream. Because I'd come from the reality show world. Like I did road rules in the 90s. And I was like, this is the best, dude. Like imagine a place where you could just

talk like a human being. And then podcasting, it was a no-brainer. I'm like, this is what I've been waiting for. It's like an extension of stand-up. But you can do it in the afternoon. And there's no drunk people unless you wanna be. Yes, and you can be drunk, you can do anything. Think of a fucking one.

This is like, you know, it's such an exciting thing to watch because though like, I mean, I think any of us owe something to the entertainment industry. Oh yeah. You know, like it stoked the fires of our ambition. You came to LA, you were surrounded by artists, not because LA had the comedy store, but because LA was where you would go if you wanted to get signal boosted by the machine.

You know? Signal boosted. Man, and if that isn't accurate. Yeah. Gosh, and don't you love how this is completely disrupted and destroyed that gatekeeping model? It feels good. It's the greatest. It feels good.

Because there's just one fucker at the network who doesn't like you. That's right. For whatever fucking reason. And now guess what? You're not going to get on The Tonight Show, or you're not going to get a special, or you're not going to. Yeah. Well, who cares, I'll do it myself. Oh, and that's such a, it's like, you know,

the archetype is the bridge troll, right? Like it's in fairy tales, the bridge troll, like, ah, give me your daughter, and you may cross, or whatever. And then it's just, this grumpy ass bridge troll, its entire power is based on the fact that apparently there's only one bridge. Then someone builds a thousand bridges around it. It's like, fuck you! Enjoy your shitty bridge!

The view! I know! I know! Who the fuck, who's even watching? I mean, I... I don't know. No one knows. And somebody needs to tell Whoopi that she looks absolutely insane. Can you bring up a picture of Whoopi Goldberg currently? This is, I don't know what is happening. And look, as a woman, I will image shame her, or whatever the word is, that she looks absolutely insane.

You know, it's not, like, I think, like, it's when you combine the look with whatever this, like, mania, this insane personality that's come over her. What is, what, what? Dude, she looks like, can you pull up H.R. Giger? Like just any, it's H.R. G-E-I-G-E-R. Yeah, and. I remember. I remember. I remember.

I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember.

I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember.

I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. Network on it like what the fuck is going on man, and you know what look any way you look It's just on top of that. It's this did you see the Rogan thing that they just did no. Oh my god Can you tell me oh wait? I saw a snippet on down. I think on Rogan's feet

He like commented on that they were it is the craziest shit. Just look up like got the view dragon They're so rich, and they're so out of touch and they're... That's the... Yeah, let's look at this real quick. I wonder if they even have Joe on the view. I would... Or if they even want to do that. I would...

I think he would do it. It's something I'm sure he would do. This is crazy. Basically to this guy, Joe Rogan this guy's in dragons He I checked it he believes in drag he believes in drag you triple Yes, I did and he also thinks that they dragons like I guess like dinosaur II type type of animals We're on the earth when people did Rogan really leaning into this one by changing

X-bio to quote dragon believer this one by changing his ex-bio to quote dragon believer. New Concha is a fudgy. That's great. But like they're so threatened by this industry in this desperate crazy attempt to dilute it. They're like he believes in dragons. And it's like, I mean, honestly, he probably does. I certainly entertain the idea. Yeah, I mean, is there proof against it?

No. But I will say that, yes, it's weird that comedians are now dictating the political climate, but better comedians than musicians, because I feel like musicians have had a stronghold on this for so long. Oh my God. Right? Last time it was Taylor Swift and now it's Joe Rogan. So I mean, I think the... which he's got better taste in music

Rogan yeah. Oh my god. Yeah. I mean look Taylor look Taylor Swift by now. You can't like know like You and Tom she's huge or one of the few people You know Mitsy would always say when I was a talent coordinator Yeah, there's inevitably there's some problem comedian who's gotten a lot of success and they're like running amok. And she would always be like, they always go crazy for a little bit, honey. And so like she'd seen so many iterations of, you know, accelerated success, the subsequent like narcissism,

the entourage, the self-destruction. Because there's no, like no one can prepare you for that. like narcissism, the entourage, the self-destruction. Because there's no, like no one can prepare you for that. The odds of it even happening are slim. And if it does, and so if it does happen, who do you even talk to about it? It's like some, it's a mental illness that doesn't even have a name, you know?

It's like, what do you do? And so you go nuts, but it's someone, you and Tom. You didn't go nuts. I know, you know it's so much you and Tom. Are you immune to that? You didn't go nuts. I know, you know what's, thank you. Yeah, I was just talking to my friend about this last night. It's like, I think it's a choice, no, to just be able to do the job of being a comedian. And then when you're done doing the job,

you turn it off and you go home and you take a shit and you change your kid the job, you turn it off and you go home and you take a shit and you change your kids diapers and you cook dinner and your kid yells at you and tells you you're stupid and all these life things. So maybe because we have a normal life outside of this shit. It's not everything. It's not, it's not the entire. And I think when comedians get really sad is when they don't have anything to ground themselves other than the career, other than their team.

The team is just banging the drum on the sled, just boom, faster, faster, faster. Because they're just getting 10%, dude. The more you're making, they have to exponentially increase your income So they're they're not thinking about your sleep. They're not thinking about the fact that you're like Shivering on the phone because you've been on speed for like a wee But What that's so true and they don't care they'll they'll keep kicking you out until you die Well that these are so many stories of that, you know, of this like attitude of just like it's like a milk cow.

And you're just like, just get as much milk out of that motherfucker as you can. Oh yeah, like I remember watching poor Ralphie May, you know, Rest In Peace, and this documentary about him when he was at the end. And it's burned in my mind because we've all performed ill. You know, you've had a fever of 103, but you're in Boca Raton at some shitbag club and you're a new headliner. So you got to take the gig. And anyway, you're shaking and sweating. And he's telling the joke. And then like after a punch line, the audience is laughing.

He turns and he vomits into a bucket like kind of backstage and then comes back out. Wow. Yeah. And you're like if that isn't the best metaphor for this business, you know, I mean I remember one time I was at the airport at LAX. I had to go to San Francisco to do cobs for the weekend and I just pissed blood in the bathroom. I was like I'm being blood. Well, better get on the plane. And my brain didn't even go, maybe you should go to the doctor first, because show business makes you think that it's so important. There's nothing more important

than your fame and your celebrity. And then you smash into the wall of reality, and you both have smashed into that wall. Duncan, let's go there, I'm in it. I'm so fucked right now. I'm so fucked. I'm so fucked right now. I you know so fucked I This sanctified episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by Squarespace.

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Check out again, it's squarespace.com forward slash Duncan, offer code Duncan to get 10% off your first order of a website or a domain. Thank you Squarespace. I'm so first of all, I like, you know, when it's not just when you get the diagnosis that your whole world gets spun. It's when a dear friend gets it. And then everyone in a much smaller way smashes into this wall of like, hey, wait, you know, this is actually the world that you're living in, you know, regardless of your likes and how many people are subscribing to your podcast. By the way, please like and subscribe. Sponsored by. Who is this? Where's your fucking liquid death, bro? What are you doing? Crispy, I don't know. I don't have a,

you know what I mean? Like you. Yeah, it's reality. Survival when you're just focused on survival for months and months and months and months. It trembles through the whole network, the whole web of your community, because everyone and it's good, because that thing that you're talking about, pissing blood, puking in a bucket, I can remember after, like when I got my cancer diagnosis, I can remember saying to my doctor, okay, I know you want to do this, you want to cut my ball off, but you know, I've got these shows lined up. Oh, that's how we think. And he looked at me, he goes, you have cancer. Hey, wake the fuck up. You

will die. It will spread through your body. You want to go do the fucking laughing skull? Hey, that's a good one. That's the alt room. Of Atlanta. I remember. Marshall Child. Marshall Child, yeah. But yeah, so tell me,

first of all, how are you doing now? You've gotten, you've done the radiation, you've gone through the procedures, but yeah, you're a mess. Oh, I'm, okay, first of all, I want to say, okay, the minute you get diagnosed, your life has changed. You go from being like kind of a whatever naivete or innocence is left in you is gone. Gone. And you, especially so young, you were in your 20s, right?

No, I was... Early 30s. Early 30s, yeah. So to go through that and then you're in radiation with like old dying people is such a mind fuck. But anyway, yeah, June 6, 3 44 p.m. is when my life changed. You get that fucking, oh, I know you're tingling because you know it, that phone call and the doctor like, oh God. The voice, you know it that phone call and the the doctor likes a oh God the voice you know right away. You know and I kind of knew before cuz

when I went for my Second mammogram, you know when like the radiologist comes in and sits down with you Oh, yeah, and then he looks like cancer Yep, cuz he's all bald and hairless and weird and the look on his face and you're like fuck I know I have it all And I was like, is it like my last summer? Like, just tell me, dude. And he's like, no, you know how they minimize it. It's fine, I mean, okay.

And I was like, in my dumb comic brain too, I was like, cool, well, I got these gigs. I wanna record a special pretty soon. Like, let's just cut it out and go. And I was so fucking naive. Even like, so they do a bunch of tests on you, like genetic tests once you're diagnosed, you know, that rigmarole.

It takes about two and a half weeks to get back all these tests. That's right. Tom and I were like, well, we have this trip to Italy planned. Yeah. But literally we were like, well, fuck it. Fuck it, I'm already fucked.

What's two weeks? And thank God we did go, but that was a lot of delusional thinking too, like I probably should have just gone straight into surgery and radiation. I remember, but when you were saying the trip to Italy, I just didn't, I didn't understand the, I thought, oh, whatever it is, the diagnosis must be

different than that you were doing that, but you know what? Hey, it worked out. Two weeks wasn't gonna kill me. I had to, yeah. I mean, not the most fun two weeks, knowing with that sort of ominous, unknown looming there. But I have to say, so that was, my first phone call was from my doctor,

the second phone call was to you and to Erin. So God, I'm gonna cry even, like, God bless you and your wife for fucking, like our talk was like the, I think about a lot of what you said to me that day, because it helped me through months and months. Like, thank God you told me like, hey dude, first thing you're like,

welcome to the cancer club. Yeah. And I was like, you're like, welcome to the cancer club. And I was like, you're like, it's not a great club to belong to, but unfortunately not very exclusive these days. Yeah. And then you're like, plan to take a year down. And I didn't believe that. I was like, no way. I fucking piss blood and get on planes, bro.

What are you talking about? I do what the boys do. Like, I don't give a fuck. I filmed a special eight months pregnant in Vegas. Like, I'm crazy. So, but you said a lot of good stuff to me. And thank you so much, because the whole time, I was like, OK, well, if Duncan's OK, I can be OK. Yeah.

I'm so glad I could help. God. Horrible. When I got the. Yeah, I'm so glad I could help. God, horrible. When I got the... Yeah, tell me about your, cause now... Well, just where that year came from. And I had a similar experience,

except I got a call from my agent. He was like, Tom Green wants to talk to you. I don't know Tom Green other than I loved him. You know, I loved his show. And then so I'm like, oh, of course. And just that's the, you the, this was the beginning of, in all that darkness, there's so much light that appears around you.

Like you realize how held you are. People who you don't even know just wanna help. And he was like, well, you're gonna be on the bench for about a year. And I thought the same thing, like, shut the fuck up, Tommy, I'll be fine, it's not a year. And he was explaining to me, he told me all about what was in the future, not in a grim way,

just letting me know, here's what's up. What did he tell you? He did chemo too, yeah? He actually got his lymph nodes removed. What did he tell you? Did he do he did chemo too? Yeah, he actually got his lymph nodes removed Yeah, like he because he had testicular I don't know if you got all of them removed, but it's a it's a brutal surgery They pull your like they have to pull I think your intestines out because it's back here But you know you were just like look you're gonna have to get tests for a long time It's gonna be scary. It was just being very sweet but very honest.

And I really appreciated that because it helped me snap out of all of the denial that goes along with a diagnosis. So much denial. So much denial. I was in Italy sipping on fucking, what's that Steve, the orange drink, whatever. Yeah, I was in Italy.

Fago? Did I say Italy? I don. Yeah, I was in Italy. Sago? Did I say Italy? You went to the- I love the ice cream. You went to the Catherine and the Juggalos. They're the best. Yeah. I fucking love those guys. Yeah, I was in such denial. Eating pizza. Because your brain cannot- you can- like I remember you told me too, thank God.

You're like, hey, this is a lot of a mental game. Like, it's going to be a lot of you not freaking out. And I was like, okay, thank God. You know what there should just be Duncan is like a guide. Like, so you got diagnosed with cancer. Here's what's up. Like you're gonna freak, you're gonna be in denial. You're gonna panic.

You're gonna think your life is over. You're not even gonna be able to read your diagnosis. I couldn't even get into what I had really for a while because I was like, I don't wanna know. Just treat me. But then you have to educate yourself because now the system is such that they give you choices. Oh, those are fun.

You mean the Vegas style bets? It's like Vegas. It's like, okay, there's a 97% chance that there will be no return with this. Now with the other one, it might be a, there's a 96% chance that it won't return. But if you do this one, there is a 4% chance that the treatment itself could cause a return of the, you're like, it's the worst slot machine on earth. Oh, I know, and I'm not educated medically. Why are you giving me the choice? Just tell me how not to die.

And I eventually had to tell them, look, I know you new agey, I'm from a different generation, dude. I'm from the era of male dentists with big hands just tearing your teeth out. I'm in a white guys in suits telling me what to do. Just fucking tell me what to do, bro. But I went to this lovely surgeon,

it's all these female doctors, they specialize in breast stuff. And I got really lucky, I have great people. But yeah, I remember being like, don't ask me what the fuck I want, I don't know. I just, I don't wanna die. Especially in that state of consciousness. It's like how, like, you know, you're still

You know, you're in the first year So the first you mess you're in a dream state still it's a dream state Yeah, it's like some kind of strange dream and you're in you but the yeah, but you got through the radiation I got through Jesus Fuckin so so just what people know I feel like we should set up what we've been through I feel like people need to know, like you and I had surgeries. Yeah, I had to get my ball chopped off.

Got your nut chopped off. And then, so yeah, I had a lumpectomy and then I had a double mastectomy because they found a lot more cancer in my tit than they had anticipated. So I had both tits chopped off, they put implants in. Oh fuck. And then, yeah, and then I had to have a corrective surgery

because my right had got infected. So three surgeries in six weeks. Jesus fucking Christ. I had like two major ones. The first one was like eight hours, the second one 10 hours. Like it was crazy. It was gnarly, but here's the funny part is I'm such like a,

like kind of good that I'm a psycho comedian Because they're like yeah, you came out of a 10-hour surgery just poppin just talking to people cracking jokes. Yeah Great. Yeah, anyway, and then and then radiation so I did seven weeks of radiation. Oh I could barely get through a month. Tell me so how how long, how many, yeah, what did you do? Surgery and then radiation. And because, like, you know, I've thankfully come out of that dream state, you know, I don't know if you ever really come out of it all the way,

but I can't, it's a foggy memory. Because like, you know, my mom's dying of breast cancer while I'm going to get radiation. Stop. That's too much. Yeah, yeah, just cancer all around. Just fucking... Crash course in mortality, man. And like... No, it's terrible.

What, you know, happened to me over that month is, you know, I just got real sick from the radiation. So I had to, I would like, just be like, go in, you know, I would go in and get the radiation. You know, by that evening, I'd start feeling nauseated. Really? Yeah, and they gave me some rotten drugs. By the way, I didn't have good insurance. So it's not like they're, like, I got lucky because they were sending me

to a really advanced radiation place. But, you know, I was sort of, I should have looked more into like how to deal with nausea and stuff, but the shit they give you for it, or that they were giving me was nasty. I was so excited about this wonderful pill bottle. I thought it'd be like Xanax or something. No, it just puts you to sleep, but it's not a good sleep.

Cause that's how you deal with it, is just sleep for a month. Yeah. Ugh, and so then I would just like, get these like, the only thing I could eat that I wouldn't want to throw up was like pancakes. Yeah. And it was gross, man.

It was just, and then of course, the experience of driving. Stop. I can remember being late for my radiation. Some dude cuts me off, and fuck, that gives me a middle finger. They were like, I can remember being late for my radiation. Some dude cuts me off. And fuck, that gives me a middle finger. I'm dying, you fuck! But then also I remember, it was this really mystical moment I had,

where I'm just sitting in my car in traffic in LA. There was like the Goodyear Blimp floating by, and all of LA. And I just realized like, if I die, this just keeps going. All of it. And that was a really cool, somehow it sounds, it was really liberating. All of it, babe.

And no matter how rich and famous you are, they'll forget about you Yeah, that's right. That's right You want the kids really all that matters is your family and see that's it to me. It's like yes my mom had cancer I was younger, but holy fuck to get that diagnosis as a parent I was worse. Yeah that wrecked me to think that I won't. And still, I deal with that anxiety of like, I can't die before these fuckers are out of my house.

That is my reason to live, is to take care of my children. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. That's really it. Comedy's amazing, being here with you is amazing, but it really does take a back seat Yeah, that's it. That's really it. Comedy's amazing. Being here with you is amazing. But it really does take a back seat when you're just surviving. Yeah.

I mean, I just finished radiation two weeks ago. So I'm still like, oh, I just go out into the world now. Like I've been fighting for my life for like five months. And then they're like, okay, bye, have fun. And you're like, what? Like, whoa. Get back out there, kid. Like, I can't leave my, I do leave my house, but I'm like, who am I now?

Cause I'm not who I was before this. I've been, I've seen too much. I know too much. Yeah. So I have to rebuild this identity. Like, who the fuck am I? You know, that's why I did, you know, when I said welcome to Cancer Club,

I really actually meant it in more than a flippant way because Cancer Club, there were rules of cancer. We really should start a Cancer Club. Well, there is one, I'm gonna, you have to get through the radiation first. We fight every week. You punch each other in your surgical scars.

You have to punch in the place that you've lost. It's great because they think it's gonna hurt, but there's no ball there. You punch each other in your surgical scars you have to punch in the place that you've lost The no cancer club, yeah in cancer club You the people in cancer club have I Mean, I don't want to call it a secret society But you know in secret society, you're given some form of initiation and you are some transmission app. It's a mystical teaching that perpetually separates you from everyone else. And if I can't think of a more mystical teaching in the midst of your life being reminded of impermanence in such an incredible way. And it instantaneously creates a divide

because there's all the people, they know they're gonna die, but they don't think it's tomorrow. And so they live like that. Oh yeah. I call them temporal trust fund kids. Bunch of years in the bank, acting like assholes. And they don't get it.

And that's fine. There's no judgment. I hope they never get it. You know, good to know. You don't wanna know. You don't wanna know. But the moment you get the taste of reality reality, you are reborn.

You're actually, and many people say, you can't really experience life until you fully understand death, that you will eventually die. And so that's Cancer Club. And in a nutshell, yes, absolutely, you will die. And there's an expiration date on you and you just don't know when it is. But when you enter the Cancer Club, you get a taste of like, oh, your date might be here or there.

Yeah. And like, let's hope that what we do to you is gonna extend your expiration date. That's right. And you know what's even, there's a few surreal things. There's one of like, right before I had this diagnosis, I had all my blood worked on, I had a physical and they're like, wow, your cholesterol's down,

you're in great shape, you know what I mean? I was like fucking weightlifting and doing Pilates, I was on the Ozempies, I was foxy and felt great. And that's when it comes out of the blue where you're like, wait, but I feel fine. That's, I think, really confusing, as you're like, yeah, but I don't feel fucked up, I don't look fucked up.

What do you mean? There's this thing in me that's killing me. And they grab you, and they just throw you into this. And now you're fighting for your life. And you're like, but yesterday I was fucking, what are we going to have for dinner? And let's go to Italy. I thought I got out.

You're so innocent. And then you're laying in radiation. And God bless these people that work in the darkest corners of humanity, because it's a temperament that you have to be able to like, deal with all this grief and sadness. But I just remember like, you lay on the table, and then you know, you put your fucking arms up,

and then they put you, they position you, and you've got stickers for weeks. You try to hide from the kids, and then they put you, they position you and you've got stickers for weeks. You try to hide from the kids and then they mark you with an X and then, you know, and then take a breath in and hold it. And the woman says it over and over, take a breath in, now let it go. Take a breath in and hold it.

You have to hold it so that it doesn't radiate your chest wall. When you hear that in your sleep, you know, and you're fucking laying there getting radiated. They leave the room. They're out. Out. Out. The door is this thick. They shut the door. Yeah. And you're just laying there hearing the machines clicking and going around you. That sound. I forgot the sound. Oh, God, that fucking sound of the machine. I forgot.

You know what? I'm getting nauseated. It's making me sick thinking about it. Fuck. Oh, dude. Take a breath in and hold it. Now let it go. Yeah.

Breathe. Oh my God. I heard it. I, yeah. And I love the girl that did that by the way. I don't. Oh yeah.. Yeah, and I love the girl that did that, by the way. I don't, I don't. Oh yeah. But like, oh, and the best part too is,

because it's Texas, the music selection was very eclectic. Like most of the time it was John Cougar Melloncamp. So it's so funny to, you know what I mean? You're like, it hurts so good. Da da da da. They don't think about the playlist at all They just fucking throw some bullshit up. You're getting radiated fucking hurt So good is on and that that's when that's the best part. Okay, I'm being mocked by God right now

It doesn't get any darker In John Cougar melee camp as you're getting your tit radiated and you're like I gotta just Actually, it does when I went You know, I went with Erin to get because like think she thought she had a um something going on and I was getting checked and for me, you know, like You know the breast cancer thing is just like, cause it took my mom, it's just like, you know, you. But I remember we're sitting there,

they're doing the scan. I swear to God, they are playing fame. I'm gonna live forever. It's like, you fuck you. I got so mad. Aaron says I was like, man. It's like, you fuck you! I got so mad. Erin says I was boiling with rage because it's like, you can't play fucking fame when you're scanning for tumors.

Remember, remember, remember. And you're like, I'm gonna live forever. No, I know. Oh, you're not! No, you're not. No, you're not, and that is, God. That is initially a really hard pill to swallow, but you get a superpower.

Like it gives you a real superpower. I love that it shows up, the archetype shows up in like comic books, bitten by the radioactive spider. Right. So there's this superpower that you get, which is knowing you're gonna die. That is a superpower because if you don't, There's this superpower that you get, which is knowing you're going to die.

That is a superpower. Oh, yeah. Because if you don't... And I don't know how you get there without... Maybe if you're brilliant or wise or something, even people you know die, you could still entertain the notion that maybe you're an immortal and you just forgot or something. But when you are taught that, I'm telling you, after this year, you can get in the moment. You get in the moment.

You appreciate your kids. You're not taking them for granted in the way it could be possible. Or anyone around you. Because you understand like oh, this is this is we're this this we're in an airplane terminal and Nobody knows when their flights coming

And you know what I mean we build houses and careers and we've all you know We like to pretend that we're not all getting in different flights eventually, but that's the reality of realities. And I think there's something like, it's so, wherever there's immense darkness, there's got to be the antithesis simultaneously, which is a way to connect with reality that isn't cancer club. It sounds depressing and dismal. It's the best. Yet when you meet the people in the Cancer Club, the ones who've come to terms with it, they glow.

They have a light. They are. It's true. Especially the ones who are dying. Don't even. I know. You know, that's the fucked part, Duncan, is you meet people in treatment and you're like, and I think about like the day, like you have to ring your, you know, you get to ring your bell when you're done with treatment. And I felt almost like a, I did feel a survivor's guilt.

Because here I am, I'm like in my forties, I'm not, I'm too early. You and I were both too early to get into Cancer Club. And there are women in the green room, in the waiting room that aren't gonna make it. You know? And that part is really crazy to think that there's people that aren't gonna, like they, I don't know if they're gonna ring their bells, you know?

And you know them. Like you sit in these waiting rooms and you chat with women and, you know, nobody wants to talk about cancer unless you've had it. And then you're like, like you sit in these waiting rooms and you chat with women and, you know, nobody wants to talk about cancer unless you've had it. And then you're like, what you got? What you do? How much time do you have? Like you wanna know the stats and yeah, I mean, now, right now, cause I'm still so fresh,

I enjoy really, really little things. Like we have a cat and every morning I grab the cat and he sits, not I run, I think intentionally, on my left breast, which had the big tumor in it. And it's like, they know. And he just sits on me and he purrs and I just have a love affair with this cat. It's so healing.

It's like the best part of my day is bonding with this animal. And then, you know, I'm into gardening now, like I'm growing vegetables hydroponically, like I'm, cause that's what they, so that's what they said for women listening that one in six women are gonna have breast cancer. It's not even one in eight.

And my oncologist was telling me because of the environmental factors, plastics the food is yeah, no good So if you can grow it there's things you can grow in your fucking kitchen You know hydroponic stand. Did you get one of those cool things? You got one of those cool things put it together last night, man Oh my god that I I that thing looks awesome. You're talking about that. I'll get you one It's like an app that like you control it and it just grows. Yeah, and it's AI.

Don't, your kid's gonna destroy it. Yeah, they will, but don't give a fuck. I'll beat them though. They fucking, I don't know, I don't know. Well, mine are a little older than yours. So if you put the fear of God in them and they won't touch it. Yeah, I think in a, maybe a,

I don't know when we could ever do that. Cause if the kids don't destroy it, the dogs will piss on it So yeah you you um you you have yeah So, you know you have experienced like to very rare things if you think about it like one of them rare in a good way, which is like you ended up like top of the charts, the biggest podcast ever, massive, all the stuff.

You got all this stuff. And then simultaneously, you got the like truth of truths. And what a strange riddle to get bundled up together. Young kids, accelerating business, and also a reminder that you're mortal. It's God punished me. Is that what you think? No, I don't think that.

Here's what I really think. And it's going to sound crazy, but I've, I've had like my whole life, I've had freakishly weird luck. So I just, I've, my whole childhood, my whole life, I've had like this weird thing where this something awful happens to me and then something fucking crazy amazing happens. So I just see this as like a karmic balance for some reason that I, I don't know dude. I don't know why but I've always had freakishly bad luck and then freakishly good luck. Yeah.

This is my path. But wouldn't you say and I'm not trying, you know, Always. I'm not going to try to put lipstick on the fish here, and it's fucking bullshit when people try to do that, but if you are in Cancer Club, you are allowed to like, put lipstick on the fish if it's honest. And like, wouldn't you say that actually, all things being said, you have had freakishly good luck in the sense that what you were diagnosed with, they treated what you were diagnosed with 10 years ago. Oh, it's dead.

Dead. Dead. And you know, that, so you... That's true. This is freakishly good, bad luck. It's good, it's, it's. On the spectrum of, I got out of it alive. Right.

I'm fucking, yeah, not only that, the cancer that I did have is like rare, like 1% of the population. Elite. I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me, dude. Like not, it was just, that's just it. Freakishly freakish. Are there any theories as to why,

other than contaminants in the environment or something? Yes, so mine was hormonal. And so I believe, and it's somewhat confirmed by my gynecologist, my oncologist, that it was linked to IVF, I do think so. I think I was one of those people, because the timeline of how long it was in my body and the IVF when I did that,

and then I was on like progesterone and hormones and stuff to manage perimenopause. And my doctor was like, that was like a buffet for your tumor. And I was like, fuck, dude, I didn't even know. And I had mammograms. It's not like I was ignoring them. It's that the type that I had

It was flat. It was a sheet and so it didn't show up on MRI didn't show up and Fucking mammograms only it's a little little tiny salt crystals showed up and it had been cooking for five years by the time They found it and it was 17 long. And thank God I had huge tits. I had like fucking massive like black lady bus driver tits and it didn't penetrate my chest wall. It was like gonna, if I had waited another day. Saved by your tits. By massive tits. Wow.

Massive fucking tits. Cause that's how it, that's so that's the path, the way it gets, it master sizes, the way it would spread through your body as it gets into the chest cavity. The chest wall, yeah. And so the, wow. I know, and they took out my lymph nodes

just to like make sure, like I'm clean, I was clean. But yeah, I had some freakish, weird type that doesn't show up on. Oh my God. I know, I know, and I was like, just cut my tits off, dude. Didn't you tell me you had an intuition or something? Yeah, I did so I for a couple of years

I would take my bra off and it would hurt where the tumor was and I was like I was fucking hurt Maybe it's just cuz I have big tits. Maybe it's hormonal. Yeah, and the doctors will like like, you know how you're like Hey, I got sick from radiation. They'll tell you up and down like you won't get sick from me Yes, I did to me.. They'll tell you up and down, like, you won't get sick from radiation. That's what they did to me. They gaslight everything you tell them. So I just was like, I kind of heard, you're fine. You're fine, you're fine, you're fine. But I also had this weird thing where I like,

I would say, I would jokingly say to my doctors, like, I'm dying of cancer right now, right? Like somewhere in my body, like I'm dying of cancer, right? But I don't know if that's just me being a morose comedian, but I fucking, the last few years, I'm like, I just fucking don't think I'm dying of cancer, right? But I don't know if that's just me being a morose comedian, but I fucking, in the last few years, I'm like, I just fucking, I think I'm dying of cancer somewhere. And then, yeah.

Do you think I knew? I don't know, I might just be an asshole right? I think you knew. Fuck. I think you knew, I think it's like, Fuck. You know, I can remember at one point, I had this weird dream.

Yeah, this like nurse in my dream said, you're sick, you're real sick. And like, it was before my balls started swelling up and stuff and I went into denial with that. I like, you know, it's just like, this can't be cancer. I remember like having to loosen my belt on planes because my ball was just hurting so much. I got real sleepy all the time.

So like, I think the more in tune you are with your body, the more you get these little signals of like something's amiss here. And the less in tune you are, then it starts showing up in dreams. It's trying to tell you, take care of business, not to freak out the hypochondriacs out there. Like this is the nightmare thing to hear

if you're hypochondriac. Because all they do is get signals with their body. This is a different thing altogether. You know, you have to trust. Sometimes you do need to go to the doctor, and don't put it off. Like, it's so important to do that. But sometimes, like, you put stuff off,

and as it turns out, nothing was wrong. Thankfully. So my oncologist, I asked her, I'm like, so what, you just wait until you're stage two and it shows up in your blood work? You know, like there's no way to really detect it until it's in there, it's doing its thing. And she goes, well, most of the cancers that I see are incidental, meaning,

God, I have this weird pain in my back, I should go get a CT scan. And they're like, oh, yeah, your vertebrae's messed up. Oh, and what's that thing next to it? Oh, it's a tumor. You have cancer. So most people find out because something else is presenting. Right. So she said to me, she's like, look,

if you be a hypochondriac, if you feel like, oh, I have a pain in my esophagus, go get a CT scan or get the scan of it and let your doctor call you crazy and this and that. Just fucking do it. You could have esophageal cancer and that's how they find it. But don't go get the full body scan. I hear that's a nightmare. It'll just ding up with scar tissue. You know, like, yeah, I mean, there is some, you know, there's a lot I've heard there's critiques of that because like, you know, there's a lot, I've heard there's critiques of that because like, you know, there, and this is woo woo, listen, definitely like, God, don't put it off.

No, just do it. But there, you know, sometimes, I mean, this is what's crazy about cancer is there are cases, what's it called, spontaneous remission. You ever heard of this? No. It's so bizarre. Someone goes in, and they're starting to figure it out now, but so there's cases where someone has like late stage cancer, they're going to fucking die.

And they go to the doctor and it's gone. And these people are studied, obviously, because it's like, this is a cure for cancer. But one of the theories is that, you know, cancer tricks your immune system into thinking it's just, it blends in. You know? It's communist. It is a communist. It gets in there. It starts spreading its poison. Yeah. Come to this meeting. The moment your immune system discovers discovers it, MAGA.

Then... You got it. No joke. America. America. But the moment your immune system finds it, it wipes it out. And that's all these new like special like gene treatments for cancers. They tell your immune system, this is not a friend, and then it takes care of the rest.

That's the future of cancer treatment, is not to like irradiate yourself or chemotherapy, but to get yourself to like your immune system, like just tell it, that thing's bad. Yeah, do you think there's a cure locked away somewhere? No. And they're like, no. I find that to be such horse shit.

The idea being that the medical establishment is that connected, that like, someone's like, guys, it's actually orange juice mixed with eggs and some watermelon mush. Tell no one! We'll lose so much money! I don't think it's that, I think, because if anyone found the cure for cancer,

it's not like, they would make so much money off of that. Like it's just a cash cow. I know. You know, it might, and I don't, most oncologists I've met and most people like you're talking about that you run into in that liminal bardo space of healing, it are like varying degrees of angels

because they are in the cancer club. They have day to day to day experience, reality to reality. And there's saints out there. Actual saints that you run into there, and they're not gonna be like, no, don't cure this disease because then we won't make money I Hate that theory. It's such I don't I hope it's yes I hope it is bullshit cuz that's there's so much suffering and I'm just so grateful to I didn't have to do chemotherapy

Because that that that was my biggest fear when I got the diagnosis you're like dude when I got the diagnosis, you're like, ah dude, I don't want any chemo, that looks terrible. I'm so glad you didn't have to do that. Fuck, fuck. Cause like, yeah. Fuck that, it's just fire bombing your body. It's so, I actually told, when I was like looking at those statistics

and I went through, you know, that thing of just get it out of my fucking body. I don't even care what you have to do. Pull my fucking skeleton out and fucking boil it, if that will help. But I remember telling my doctor, just give to do. Pull my fucking skeleton out and fucking boil it, if that will help. But I remember telling my doctor, just give me chemo, just fucking do it. I just get fucking chemo.

He's like, I'm not giving you chemo. Like, it'll hurt your lungs. Like, no, you don't have to do that, man. He was right, thank God. From all the side, thank you. But you know the other thing though? About what you've been through and not to like, I don't wanna put too much on you here

because you're still in year one. But you're gonna help so many people now because you, once you're on the other, you will never be fully on the other side. I mean, maybe you will, I don't know. You seem like you are. I am, but you know, like, there's a lot of words that get used too much these days.

Yeah. Grief, trauma. Yeah, processing. Processing, but you you know, with... These are all applicable to Cancer Club. When you get the diagnosis, you have to grieve the old... You will grieve. It's a grief. Because you have to let go of that old self that was...

You know, the fool tarot card is the pre-Cancer Club. And I liked myself. I'd done a lot of work on that person. I mean, I've been in therapy for like 15 years. I dug myself out of trenches, bro. So I was like, I was pretty cool. I thought I had it together. Can you pull up the full tarot right away? Just so you can just show.

Can I pee first? Yeah, absolutely. Because I want to focus and I have to piss. I drink water and coffee. This episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by ExpressVPN. My loves. Don't you hate it? Public restrooms. You go in, sit on the toilet, you realize it's one of those doors that doesn't lock. This to me is like as close as you can get to hell. I imagine that's what hell is like,

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That's June 5th, 2024. That's me and my stupid velvet jacket going to Montreal. Yeah, that's me June. This is me June 6th, 340 p.m. Yeah, I didn't remember the exact date, but this is definitely me right before going to the doctor and I'd already planned, I'm like, dude, you're a hypochondriac, after this, to reward yourself,

you're gonna get Hue light bulbs that change colors. Sweet, nice. But that's it. That's the embodiment. And there's something very innocent about it. There's something very sweet about it. Looking up at the sky, got your sweet little dog, your cool fucking outfit, the sun. Sun's on your back.

Oh, it's a beautiful day. Life is sweet. Everything's great. And off the cliff you go. And off the cliff, you go! There's the cliff, and the mountains are behind, and you're fucked, you fall down. Your little knapsack full of your tricks, in your knapsack, you got all the little things you need.

And this, to me, well this is the zero, this is the beginning of the major arcana story in Terra. This is all of us, this is the initiate. And so yeah, this is the situation of so many people and you have gone off that cliff and now you're picking yourself up, which leads to the, will you pull up the magician, Terra, the next one?

Well, I spent time with death. So that's funny that Zero is the fool. I hadn't put that together. Not even alive yet. Not even a thing. Just, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba an evolution, a charting of spiritual growth, or however you want to put it. But scroll down, you've got the, now this is the infinity sign, all the different, all the different symbols in the tarot,

these are on the table. So this is actually, now that you have experienced catastrophe, you can now begin to, and you are a human now, you can now begin to in a more in as a human You're a human now. You can actually start like finding real balance because how can you find real balance? You know when you're falling off a cliff No, and I think you're right There's the fool and then now putting it back together to make sense. And also, like, I can't live the way I lived before.

It's not gonna happen. You can't. You literally can't. Your body won't permit it. And your emotions won't permit it. I cannot be as cruel to myself physically as I was. You were being cruel to yourself. Meaning, meaning, I'm living my life.

Okay, it's Friday. I'm gonna fly to Denver. I'm gonna wake up at 430 a.m., sneak out of the house. Don't wake the kids up. I'm gonna get on a plane. I'm gonna fly to Denver. I'm gonna do two shows that night. I'm gonna sleep during the day.

Tomorrow I'll be fine. It's fine. I'll have a little wine the night before. It's fine. I'll just eat some chips in the hotel. Next morning I'm gonna wake up. And then do two more shows. And then I'm gonna fly home.

And then I'm gonna jump right back into motherhood and then I'm gonna get... it's too much. You're making me feel bad. I actually am doing that now. But you know, it was a different... actually it was a... you know, testicular cancer, if you're gonna get cancer, that's a great one. If you have to pick cancers at a cancer buffet, pick testicular cancer because it's a very treatable cancer. I mean you truly..., like, yeah, you, and you know, it's maybe one day you could do that every once in a while, but all, yeah, that, now it's all about,

and that is the other, like, this is the other sort of silver lining, is like, and it's interesting to me because I feel like the whole fucking planet with COVID got this bizarre kind of summer break. They sort of, everything shut down and they got a sense of real and they got a sense of, and you now not only like should do that, you kind of have to do that. You have to do it.

And that's a lot of people, you know, they don't get that. No. You know, until like they're old and they retire and they're all fucked up on sedatives and stuff. Now you are in this kind of like, in Tibetan Buddhism and lots of forms of Buddhism, these Tibetan monks, they'll go up into the mountains into a cave for years. That's what I wanna do.

You're doing it. I know, but I feel like I need to really fucking think about what's happened to me. I wish I had more words to put to things, but it's so murky and jumbled. And I would like to go sit in a cave for a year and just make sense of everything, but I have this life that I enjoy and I will tend to and

yeah. What was I going to say though? Fuck. I don't know. My brain is still radiated. Well, at least you have an excuse. I don't remember shit at all. But it is, this is the thing like the, um, yeah, it's a lot. The symbols, the whole cave bullshit or the monastery or the- That's what I wanna do. I wanna go to an ashram. You're in it. And just fucking meditate all day. You're in the, no, I think that there's that West,

like when you've left an entire paradigm, an entire... My life is done. You've seen the set dressing. Yeah. You're the Truman Show. You've walked off set. You've seen the set dressing. Yeah. You're the Truman Show. You've walked off set. Yeah. You're off the grid now.

Yeah. And you don't need to go up into the mountains to do that. You just have to keep remembering. This is like the Ram Dass Foundation. It's love, serve, remember. Everybody, one take is remember God, but I read it's remember you're going to die. Yeah, I do too. And I was always very existential before this.

Like I've always loved reading existentialism and darkness and stuff. You know, I was a goth girl. So this to me was like, all right, I've been preparing for this my whole life. Like my first surgery, they were like, you can go down to any song you want. And I was like, great, Bauhaus, put it on, let Bauhaus put it on let's go like you did they put me under to

Bela Lugosi's dead yeah and I was like fuck it we're just gonna go dead on dad oh my god you are you know what? You're now officially the coolest person I know on earth. No! That is so cool. Really? Are you fucking kidding? I love that song and I will only play it for myself on special occasions because the buildup is too much.

I have to be in just the right mood. Oh my god! Okay, isn't this what's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, There is so much suffering and there is so much darkness in life. And how do you reconcile that? How do you fucking walk around knowing that there are people right now dying of this and that and the other? Meanwhile, there's like adorable five-year-old skipping right now. There's a fucking, you know, flowers are blooming. It's the dichotomy of that. I can't, my brain right now cannot, I can't wrap my head around it.

Because I've been through so, too much suffering around now cannot, I can't wrap my head around it because I've been through too much suffering around other people I'm saying, like talking to them. And it's like, how do I, I don't know. It's like going, have you ever gone to like a war zone like to do standup ever like the USO? No. Oh yeah, it's like when I came back from, I did Afghanistan like a million years ago.

And when I came back, I felt the same way, like similarly, where you're like, okay, I've seen the atrocities. I haven't seen the shit that the soldiers see, but I saw their faces. One time I did shows with the men that had just come back from like patrolling for two weeks and they were sitting on their rucksacks just like their eyes were down and they were dazed and I, here I am, you know, and that kind of stuff and seeing like kids who had been blown up by IEDs, like you visit people in hospitals and to see that suffering and to, it took me a while to come back to civilian life because on some level, I don't understand fully being in war, obviously, but I kind of understood it because I would come back

in the grocery store and now you're like, you know, like you're like, wait, I'm supposed to care about this now? Right. Like I'm supposed to buy stuff and just go on? Well, it's very synthetic, isn't it? It's like you sort of you do get a glimpse of like consumerism, the illusion of immortality that is, you have to keep that up if you're going to get people to buy stupid shit. If like there was a global recognition of mortality, I don't know how many people are

going to be out there excited for the new iPhone. And you want to know something ironic? I'm not going to shit on it because the first thing that happened actually when I got this was I started to really appreciate material things. Weirdly because I've always pooped, I've always like poopooed them because my parents were communists. Like not they weren't communists, they were raised in communism. So my whole upbringing was like, don't be materialistic. Don't think about this shit.

This is temporary. Just deal with this. So the opposite happened to me. Well, I was like, I think I like Prada. I think I'm just going to buy a bunch of shit. And I just bought a bunch of shit online. People are like, you're dressing really well. I'm like, well, yeah, I just fucking shopped online for the last five months.

But I like now I enjoy driving my car. I'm like, that's a good car. And before I would feel guilty or weird and I'm like, no, I'm just going to enjoy this thing. This is fine. Yeah, that's it. Direct contact, man. It's like, you just, it peels away this like, this callous.

Yeah. And for better or for worse. Cause it's, you know, for me, it's like, you know, oh my God. Like, I just said I wouldn't do this. I guess I'll do it. My boy said to me,

dad, you know, if you died, I wouldn't like that. And like, I knew what was happening there because like, they're both, you know, when your kids start encountering, like the reality of death, they shield, they want to shield themselves. They want to lose their parents. It's a nightmare. Remember when you realized that you're going to lose your parents, you're going to lose

your parents. You're going to lose your parents. You're going to lose your parents. You're going to lose your parents. You're going to lose your parents. You're going to lose your parents. You're going to lose your parents. both, you know, when your kids start encountering like the reality of death, they want to shield themselves. They want to lose their parents. It's a nightmare. Remember when you realized your parents would die, how fucked up that was.

Yeah, so, and I, you know, in that moment, I'm like, oh man, oh man. Feels good, right? Oh, it felt so good. All the sacrifice that you've been, you know, all those road weekends. Oh, he was in the shed. I immediately carried him out to the learning shed. But you know, I, but you know, I, in that moment, you know, when you've experienced

your own mortality and you know that you will die and you've seen your parents die and you know that like eventually you, he will live in a world minus you you know and and and which which you have had are no doubt still grappling with and uh but so the other thing aside from like it allowing you to like actually be a hedonist in a way that you can't be to like actually be a hedonist in a way that you can't be. Yes. Also, your heart is gonna get broken. I know. All the time.

Because you actually understand this like, how do they put it? It's almost unbearable. Yeah. Almost. It's bearable. But almost unbearable the love. Almost unbearable the sort of incredible, for lack of a better word, romance of existence that you must inevitably say goodbye to the physical form.

Oh my God. Oh, fuck! Fuck, dude. Yeah, because it is more fucked for the cancer clubbers because now you, now my pace of life is so slow. Whereas before I was always hurrying. Gotta go down this plane.

Gotta go, go, go, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang, and now. Gotta move. Now I do, I do one thing a day. That's so great. So great. And I'm really, yeah, I'm enamored of my life.

I'm enamored of my children. I lay in a hammock every day. Well, you're human now. Yes, and my relationships are way deeper. And I'm way more there for my friendships and relationships. Oh my God. When Erin and I were at your house, I remember sitting there,

I'm telling you, you are such style. It's so cool and I'm just sitting there like, I mean, I didn't wanna voice it because what a miserable thing to voice at a dinner party. But I'm looking at you thinking, you can't leave us. You know, and that that's for that's. That's the pain of it all. Yeah. You must face that reality.

And you you you have to like just like to me, that is not a bad thing. To feel about the people that you love. And to shield yourself from that, I think, is to essentially put gardening gloves over your heart. Why would you want to do that? You have to live in that world as much as you can. I don't wanna live in that. It's so hard.

It's so hard. It's so hard because, especially if you grew up with shit parents, that you were constantly betrayed by your parents, right? Most of us, we go up in a certain generation. It's just fucking is. Yes. Or yeah, it just gets harder with age, but then the cancer club breaks you right right open wide open I don't wide open. Yeah, and I almost to the point where

Like the thought of doing stand-up now even is it's so intense to be seen like this even at first I was like, I don't want to podcast and I did it for a long time. Thanks for doing it No, I love you. Of course, but now I'm getting more comfortable with being seen. Yeah. Because you just don't, you don't, I don't know, I'm too, you're too ripe, you're too vulnerable. That's right. You're too juicy right now.

You're so... You were just born. Yeah, I know, fuck. Wait, so what do I do, Duncan? What do I do with this newness? You know what I think about, there was this Zen Roshi at this retreat I went to Joan Halifax, and she was doing this whole beautiful talk

on the Zen koan, which is the insane question they ask you after you've been meditating. Like usually in a monastic situation, you're just like, you go insane. Like if you've got like, Jesus God, these Zen, they are wild and you just sit and stare at a wall. And you know, some of them, like there's a dude

when you start nodding off, who comes and smacks you in the shoulder with a stick and you thank him. Cause you know what, it brings you right back in the moment. But you've been doing this like, so long you're going a little nuts. And then the Abbot, I guess, will say to you, it will bring you in for an audience with him, and then we'll ask you like,

an impossible question to answer. Like there's a whole list of these co-ons, and you'll try to be smart and answer it, or clever, Ram Dass talks about doing this, and like, you know, but eventually you go so insane that when they ask you, it just pops out spontaneously. You didn't plan it, you just vomit the answer, and it is the answer.

The answers are written down for these fucking things. Like it just pops out of you. What? Yes, it's weird. But she was talking not about the answer, she was talking about the feeling of not knowing. Oh yeah. And how part of like, you know,

what humans desperately try to do is answer the question before they know, before they can't. And in cancer club, you know, now when your phone rings, it's a different kind of ring. What test is coming back? Who will call now? Because someone might be calling to tell you you have a month left to live.

Oh, and you never had that phone call before. You never had that call. So you have to live in that unknowing state, and you have to find a way, not just to live in there, in a survival way, but to that unknowing state, as she was saying, is actually the human experience, because it doesn't matter if you human experience. Because it doesn't matter if you think you know. It doesn't matter if you think you know what's coming next week

or the week after, or what your paycheck is, or you know, it doesn't matter. Because human life is not just impermanent, but wildly impermanent. Think of Brody! No, don't. I know. I think of all of our friends. I know. It is. Yes. And it's terrifying. And I, it's terrifying. Because on the one hand, I remember when you told me, you're like, this is more of a mental game. This is a mental game. And you're right. Like cancer is, it's physical. Obviously, you're fighting your immune system, battling whatever surgeries and radiations and all this shit.

But I remember sitting in fucking hyperbaric chambers every day for trying to heal, because they told me to go do that, and I was doing it two a day at one point. It was horrible. And you're in these chambers alone, and you need the sounds, and it's cold, and it's weird. And you're just like, God, this is so,

such a good metaphor for this whole journey of just being alone in this weird submarine. And how am I not gonna go crazy in here? Okay, let's think about this. Ah, shit, you like The Royal Family? Should we listen to a book about The Royal Family? Yeah, okay, let's listen to that. Okay, let's listen to this. Let's draw, let's draw, let's draw on our arms.

Let's draw about tattoos, let's make a tattoo. It's back and forth with that, right? I was like, I'm really into gardening. I gotta do that. And then the realization, like the big epiphany, or sometimes even forgetting you have cancer. Oh yeah. That's weird, where you're're like I'm just like a person I'm Remember like no, I'm not I'm not normal anymore not normal anymore. Well done

Well, you know what you are. You're super normal now. You're super No, this is I you know the the main like what I've heard all the teachers that I love say in regards to this situation that, in Buddhism, like this was the, he's stuck in this fucking palace. According to the myth, he goes on,

he's riding in his chariot. Oh, is this Siddhartha? Yeah, he sees an old man, a dead man, and a diseased man. And so this is old age, disease, and death. These are the three conditions. It doesn't matter how rich you are. Doesn't matter how famous you are. It doesn't matter anything about it.

You are subject to these three situations when you are alive. And so the reason that now you're human is because as opposed to being in the realm of the gods, the realm of the gods, the gods don't understand death. They live for millions of years. They actually are temporal trust fund kids. And so the gods, in Buddhism, the realm of the gods, you can look at it as a metaphor, you can look at it as real, whatever, but they're generally looked at as like dummies. Like you don't want to be a god. They're dumb. They're so dumb. And it's not their fault. They live forever. And they can just gratify their senses all the time. And there's more gods than there are humans in this analogy. And there's more gods on this earth than there are humans because most people are either

in the realm of the gods, you know, just like hopping around from one thing to the next, the fool on the cliff, or they're in the hell realm, which is like they're in a desperate, constant state of need and pain, and both of these situations are not conducive to waking up. And so the general sort of teaching that I hear over and over is, take it easy, man. Like, you know what I mean? That's like a set in the 70s, take it easy, man. No, really. Take it easy man, like you know what I mean?

That's like a set in the 70s, take it easy man. No really, now is the time. I know. The best way I've heard it is, this is the best thing, oh God, it's kind of brutal though. You're standing on a floor of razor blades. It is so painful. And so the pain is so intense that you look up and you actually fantasize there's a beam

there that you can pull yourself up onto the beam to get off of those razors. And these are your delusions of immortality or the various escape hatches that you concoct to get off of those blades. And so you will burrow into this delusion or that delusion. And it doesn't really work though, because you still feel it. You still feel it's always fucking there. Of course. Well, that for me, that's what, let's say, being a successful comedian was. Yeah. It's a mortality in a way, right? You're special, people like you.

Oh, yeah. It's great in a way, right? Oh, my God. Look at what you... And it's your defense mechanism. You come out of surgery, you're cracking people up. Yeah. And everyone's like, wow, you're doing great. It's like, oh, yeah, I'm doing fucking great.

Throwing up my tail feathers because I'm fucking absolutely traumatized right now and this is all I know how to do to gain some control. Yeah, people would say to me like, oh, you're so positive. And I'm like, what fucking choice do I have? Or when they say, you're so brave, be so resentful. Because I'm like, they mean well, obviously. These are like well-meaning sayings, but it's like, bitch, I don't have a choice.

I have to be brave. I have to be positive because this thing will fucking eat me alive. If I stop now, because you're in that fight, the survival thing, I'm going to crumble. And maybe that's other people can cry. And like, I wasn't like that I'm the type like if I'm in the fight I'm gonna fucking fight and then when I'm safe and I'm out of that forest yeah I will calm down and I will cry and that now I'm there where I'm like huh yeah that was a trip man I don't know what the

fuck just happened to me that was a nightmare what what just happened okay well I got like I literally just go through the story and then figure it out, piece it out. Okay, but I don't have this idea of a distant future anymore, which is so weird. Gone, baby. Yeah. Gone.

That's so weird. Infuriating for my wife, by the way, because she loves planning, and I'm just like, oh, okay. There is no distant future. Because there isn't a future for any of us, I'm infuriating for my wife, by the way, because she loves planning, and I'm just like, oh, okay. There is no distant future for me. Because there isn't a future for any of us, because there is no future. I know. And that's a fantasy, and that's one of the beams

that people like to climb into to get off those razors, is a lot of intense planning and a lot of intense, by the way, you can still do these things in cancer club. It's just a little different than the way it used to be. Yeah, because you don't quite believe That next year you are going to be performing Zany's yeah, it's possible Yeah, and and that sounds dismal but but this is the, I think the, this is why you and I, I think, or one of the reasons we're friends, is we love existentialism. I love Camus.

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Tune in with a guy in mind and also sleep like a little angelic baby. Thank you, soul. I love Victor Frunkel. Yeah, okay. And I love the other thing that happens is like, as you're walking to get executed, as you're in the concentration camps, being marched on a death march, you remember someone you love. And all you feel is love.

There is no death march. There is no, somehow this transcendent reality in the midst of the Truman Show shit emerges that is not subject to any of the bullshit. And that, that I think, you have no choice but to begin to, as much as you can, align with that. I certainly don't do it all the fucking time. No.

Because it hurts. Yeah. Well, I've, yes, it does hurt. But that place of love you're talking about, Because it hurts. Yeah. Well, I've, yes, it does hurt. But that place of love you're talking about, that it's a weird transcendent place, right? And not romantic love, just love, love. And it's weird because I held a lot of anger

towards mommy and daddy. There was a lot of anger about situations in my past. And it just washed away. It's fucking crazy how, like, this... So many resentments towards family dramas or whatever. It doesn't matter anymore. It's gone. Good sign. Yeah, it doesn't mean I want to call them and kick it,

but it does mean, like, it doesn't register, it doesn't ping me in the same way. I have more compassion for them, more compassion for the past. It doesn't register, it doesn't ping me in the same way. I have more compassion for them, more compassion for the past. And now I just have to have more like sensitivity and compassion for myself, I think, in the next couple of, how many years it's going to take to become the next iteration of whoever I am. That's going to be a whole fucking, I don't know, dude.

I don't know who I am. I'm totally, totally, I mean, that's a great philosophical problem, right? I had a philosophy teacher say like, hey, every seven years, all your cells completely change. So then does that mean you're the same person you were seven years ago? Like, you know, that philosophy 101 question. And it is true. Well, what am I now?

I'm stripped down. Yeah. What are you? The fuck am I? What I now? I'm stripped down. Yeah, what are you? The fuck am I? What are you? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I'm a meat vessel. I'm a meat vessel that had a real problem. They corrected

the problem. The meat's cool now. The vessel's fucked. The brain is. I don't know. I don't know how to reconcile that. Did you ever get into Schopenhauer? Schopenhauer, Wagner, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, these guys. Well, Schopenhauer. I couldn't understand him. I think I tried, I didn't. Now you will.

Okay. Revisit. Okay. I'll send you the one I'm listening to. But I mean, he's essentially just taking Eastern philosophy and reframing it in a definitely hard to digest way. But he's sort of pointing out this thing and assuming it in a definitely hard to digest way, but he's sort of pointing out this thing you're talking about, this what the fuck am I?

Which you will, if you've taken off LSD, you won't be like what the fuck am I? And that subject object is his point. Right, right, yep, yep, yep. So you're aware of your thoughts, you're aware of the meat vessel, you're aware, but via that awareness, there is these sort of, everything becomes an object of awareness,

and that awareness, that's what you are. But the problem with the awareness, or you're the convergence of the subject and the object and this sort of bizarre thing that appears via that convergence that you call an identity or something like that. And that is emptiness in Buddhism and that is really a perplexing thing because you know when you are stripped, when everything stripped down and you do recognize that, you know, like,

what is it our Lord Jesus Christ says, don't store up your treasures on earth where the moths and what does he say, rust, doath, corrupt. Store them in heaven. And you realize, oh my God, that moment, you realize all this shit, it's going to end up in a goodwill. Oh, dude.

Oh, dude, let me tell you, my mother, she passed in 2015. She would buy silk, silk couches, okay? White silk couches. And we had a whole living room full of things that nobody sits on. Just white silk couches. Don't sit on my white silk couch. I heard that a thousand times, right? What do you think I fucking inherited when she dropped dead? White silk couches. And guess what I did? I gave them right to fucking goodwill. What am I going to do with white silk couches? I have no use for all this shit that I was told to stay off of.

And can you imagine devoting a whole room to your beautiful house? A room in which nobody can sit. Can't even sit. And I remember philosophically as a teenager being like, this is absurdity. This is the very definition of absurdity. Why would you have a room that nobody uses? Shit you don't even use? This makes me crazy.

But to your point, so consciousness, you're saying awareness is it. That's the I am, that's the thing. Consciousness. Well, it's something about, I mean, that heartbreak comes from not just consciousness, it comes from consciousness connecting with the impermanence of the world, and then something appears in that,

this unbearable like love situation. Attachment to it, they say attachment, right? Yeah, attachment because you get attached to the physical form and it makes sense because the physical form you associate that with the love. It's like, you know, this is like what anyone who's making any kind of addictive anything they want to sell, you know, my God, like the classic example being vapes. Jesus, take nicotine, sugar, and put it in a fucking little Star Trek thing that glows. You just look at the thing and you think your body wants it and you've been fooled.

And similarly, like, you know, love, you start thinking, oh, love is like inside a person, right? It's in the person. If I die, then all, then I, whatever I had to offer is gone. But really, what do you have to offer in a maelstrom of change? Like you're in a fucking centrifuge of atoms. What really you have to offer here other than love?

That's so true. And that's all you got? I'm a good cook. I cook. You know what? Yeah. But the Hare Krishna's say, don't eat out. Because if your chef is like having a bad day,

let's say your chef is like a Jeffrey Dahmer, he hasn't been caught yet, all their energy goes into the food. I believe in that. If your chef is having a bad day, let's say your chef is like a Jeffrey Dahmer, he hasn't been caught yet, all their energy goes into the food. I believe in that. So your love gets in the food. Though you are a conduit of love. Sounds like a bunch of hokey fucking bullshit.

And honestly, I cannot really, I don't know at all what to do anymore. And I, the thing with grief is you think you're out of the jungle and then all of a sudden, boom, you're hit with it. You're right back there in the doctor's office. You're right there when the phone rings and you get the diagnosis. You're hit with it. You're right back there in the doctor's office. You're right there when the phone rings and you get the diagnosis. You're right there again. And so the idea that you will... I mean, they say written on the gates of hell, abandon all

hope. Right. And everyone thinks that's a really grim thing, but sometimes I wonder if that's like a compassionate instruction. You know, like Meister Eckhart says that. Little Hobbit guy. The part of your soul that burns in hell is the part that clings to life. Oh, man. You know what I mean? Yeah, yes, I do.

We gotta. I do, but that's why I have a goth room in my house, because I think that there's something to the acknowledgement, the constant acknowledgement of that side of the force. That's right. It's just there. Shiva. What are you gonna fucking do? Yeah.

Yeah. And how many, how much shit are you gonna buy? And I was very guilty of that during my treatment. I just bought stuff. But like, how famous are you gonna be? How much money are you gonna have? How much shit are you gonna collect before you realize that this is,

none of this shit really is important. It's fun, it's cool, it's not the big cheese. No one's really, like the reality, you know, Erin loves you so much. I love her so much. And I can't even imagine how many people, how many people have good days just because they're your friend.

And really, I mean, if you're looking for some kind of actionable thing to do in this grief state, just, you don't really need to do anything. I know that's frustrating frustrating other than just, just keep being you. And trust because, you know, last thing I have to say about this and because there is no, there isn't anything.

There isn't a fucking TikTok. Here's what you do when you realize you're gonna lose everything eventually. Listen to 350 megahertz frequencies with a crystal bowl. But you need to do those TikToks, Duncan. When my mom died, this Zen Roshi at Ram Dass's house said, you know, people have all kinds of shit they say to you and just whatever, shut the fuck up. I know, it's the worst shit. They say to you and just whatever shut the fuck up Yeah, but worse don't say anything fucking Zen Roshi the real deal shaped head fucking like walks around with this bizarre like strength

It's terrifying and beautiful and I remember she said a Window is open And It's going to close. It will eventually close. So while that window is open, be in the moment as much as you can

because you won't get to experience this, the thing they're calling grief forever. It'll go away. And you think you won't be back in the... Yeah, there's always something to bum you out. You'll be dropped in. You'll be back in the matrix'll be back in the matrix again But you're out right now. And so God as much as you can bear it

And it seems like you are doing that open yourself up to it. Yeah, you surrender to that like on Tuesday I woke up and I was like fuck dude. I am in a dark hole. I'm just there What am I gonna do? I was like, all right, Pujitsky, you're gonna fucking... What are you gonna do? Are you gonna force it away? Are we gonna pretend like you're normal? Are we gonna try to exercise? Are you gonna try to fight it? Are you just gonna be... Just put on the cure and fucking cry a little bit?

Yes! Yeah, so I actually was able to, and I was like, all right, cool. All right, this is today. This is what today looks like for me. Cool, and I have to say was like, all right, cool. All right, this is today. This is what today looks like for me. Cool, and I have to say, like, I'm so lucky that I can just have this time to be. Yeah.

Because a lot of people that I was in treatment with were like, oh, I gotta go teach a class now, or I gotta go to work now. And I'm like, dude, I don't know how you guys are, how, how? Yeah. How you guys are... How? How? How do you fucking do it? That's right. And then I know, I knew this woman who was like,

yeah, my insurance wouldn't cover getting the full double mastectomy, so I only cut one breast off. And I'm like, what? Jeez. And then you realize how lucky you are in that scale of the equation. Yeah, but I think... what you're talking about, what matters, I read Martin Buber in college, he's like, I think a Christian existentialist, I want to remember.

But he talked about, you know, your subject-object relationship. But then the way out of that of just being like, separate weird is the I thou, the I thou. How does that work? It's so great. So you know that great moment I was telling you about where I'm petting my cat and sitting on my chest and it says he uses a horse. He says, you know, you're petting your horse and you look into the horse's eye and there's a connection and there's a moment between you and this horse.

That's the I thou. It's a different, it's deeper than I it or subject object I thou. Yeah. And I've always, I think that's the, what I now, right now, really cherish is I thou. Those moments of deep connection, whether it just be to like my hamster that I hate most of the fucking time, right? The kid's doing something that's making you crazy, but you're like, whatever, he's gonna grow out of that shit

in a year, he's making a mess, they're taking a bath, they're gonna fuck it. And it's like, that's the moment, that's cute. What am I gonna do? And I'm in that cool place now where I hear people talking about stupid shit that they think is important and part of me gets mad at them because I'm like, why are you fucking... Stop, who cares? That's not... But then I'll obviously a week from now be joining in

because I'll get out of the state of like deep whatever and I'll be just as trivial, you know? Yeah. But for now I'm annoyed and I'm, you know, like look at me, I'm fucking idiots. Oh yeah. You don't even know what's real. Yeah, man. Yeah. That's that. And that, you know, I'm so glad you're not trying

to get out of it the way, like, you know, everybody, I want, you like, oh my God. Like, like I wish that I had more parents, because I need to practice for dying parents. Like two is not enough to figure out how to deal with it. You have more parents, more to watch them die and ruin your year. I think by like my third mother,

I could have done a better job. God. But the... Oh, that's the worst. Death is death. The evasion of it. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh my god. That's part of the fun. That's all I wanted to do Oh that's the worst. Death is death. The evasion of it. Oh yeah. Oh my god. That's part of the fun. That's all I wanted to do. That's the game. And you know what? Because I evaded that, and because I desperately tried to get away from, and still

do, to get away from this feeling that is so like... I feel like I'm unfairly like... I'm being a little bit of a hypocrite because I try to escape that feeling so much. But the more you do that, you can look forward to unexpected bursts of rage. Yeah, this is like that cool shame camp you were talking about where you came on your mom's house. You were telling us, yeah, they scream crying and beating it out of you.

That's the way to go. You're gonna end up at a fucking men's grease camp in a hot tub with bros weeping if you can't do it. But the other thing is like, nothing to fix. I mean, just kick that idea around. Yeah, it's the fixing. And I think for so many years when I have a bad feeling, it's like, well, how do I get rid of this?

I don't want this. And I think, too, like if you look for help online or whatever, the first thing they're like, go out and exercise. Get on Lexapro. And you're like, yeah, yes. But I don't think you're supposed to just run out of this. Run an ultra marathon. Run until your fucking, your shin bones jut from your leg. Get a hobby, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, get a hobby, that's good. Get into like painting role playing figures. Right, or get into alcoholism or get into drugs. I mean, like now I know more than ever why people turn to drugs and sex and gambling and all these addictions. You're like, that, 100% dude, yeah. Yeah, it's awful, cause then you're stuck in that trap.

Yeah. You know, it's just a trap. And it doesn't work. Oh my God. It doesn't work. It's fucking, oh, if only booze actually worked. Like that's the path to enlightenment Oh my god hammered and fuck. It's the best Come on, it's the cap what meeting with God

Someone was like dude. Just let them hammer and fuck and everything gets better and some dick was like no It's fully surrendering to the love It's feeling your feelings and grief. Yeah, can I tell you what I did that was really weird to me? Let me check and make sure that I know you have an appointment. It's 1222. I just want to make sure I'm not keeping you too long. We're good. Okay, great.

Let me just check on my kids. Yeah, the weird thing I did, I don't know if you did this too, when I first got diagnosed with cancer, I did the exact opposite of what you probably should do, which is I ate a bunch of processed meats and drank a ton of alcohol. And I was very surprised by that, by the reaction, because I've, when I've heard other people getting diagnosed with something, I'd be like, well, they're probably like taking really good care of them. So now Total opposite the knowledge is to river in each man

Is that what that was yeah must have been coping oh dude like there's stories of like people Chain smoking outside of radiation. I've seen them smoke on the way in yeah, they're going to get radiation. They're fucking smoky cigarettes. I've seen it. You know yeah You know I love that Doug stand-up joke you're at his joke like some things are better than life You know like maybe that's it just as subscribing to self destruction is in fact a righteous move compared to life itself you know I just the the the It seems to me that I don't know. I just, the, the, the, the, it seems to me that,

you know, you look at the Bible, or you look at anyone, and a lot of oral mythology is like, the last thing you want is to like get called by God. Like God fucks people up. He tells you like, hey, why don't you kill your son? So, what a dick move, I never liked that story. The binding of Isaac.

Yeah, was that what it was? He's like kill your son if you really are into me. Isaac and Jacob take him up to the altar of Mount Moriah and like fucking kill his ass to show me that you love me. What is the point of that, like on a mythological, on a loyalty to the father or loyalty? Hold on, Jordan?

Jordan Peterson hangs out back. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Dr. Peterson? Can you help us here? I mean, I think it's sort of like,

God. You are. What is the point? I mean, sadly I feel like that has caused a lot of postpartum mommies to make some mistakes. But I think you're kind of looking at like a weird sort of precursor to, it's almost like God was beta testing what he was gonna do to Jesus

You know he's like hold on they like the sacrifice shit Should I get good ratings? Yeah, Jesus is like sitting playing in the playroom and he's like Looking at him like wait a minute. What is it? I'm not thinking I could do with you like, wait a minute, what is it I'm not thinking of that could do with you? But you know, I do think it's the, it's a very old testament, it's a very old testament like way of talking about something I think it's described in a little less violent ways like in Bhakta Yoga, which is the way it's put in Bh little less violent ways like in Bhakti Yoga, which is the way it's put in Bhakti Yoga, you're sitting in your, the story is the, God, what are they called? The gopies. They're cowherd girls. They're sitting in their huts

and they hear Krishna's flute playing in the forest under the full moon. And they leave their lives behind. They leave the candles burning to follow the flute. They forget about everything to go and find God. And then when they get there, they all, I think as the story goes, like there's 108 of them and they all have sex with God. Like God, Krishna becomes like all of their perfect lovers. And it's really cool.

And I think that's kind of maybe that's, cause the old Testament, what's better than your son? Your first born, it's like the ultimate thing. And this is sort of saying, yes, but you have to give up everything for the transcendent. I don't think it literally is fucking kill your kid. There's so many great critiques of the story. Yes, yes, yes.

But you know, yeah, so that's just. There are people dancing upstairs. Yeah, it's. Actually, sorry, I do have to go like 10 minutes. It's an ecstatic dance class upstairs. I love that. Oh, I love ecstatic dancing. See, and I hate all that stuff. Like I was doing a dance class upstairs. I was like, oh, I love ecstatic dancing. See, and I hate all that stuff.

Like I was doing sound bowls. I would go to a sound bowl class, sound bowl sesh, and then the lady made us share afterwards, and I was like, I don't wanna share. No! I don't wanna talk to you. I just wanna trip out, you know? Can we please-

Yeah, I don't like any of that shit. Maybe this is what we do. Here's how you combat your grief. Let's start a business, psychedelic bullshit for neurotics. Ooh. Come into Ayahuasca, everyone shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear about whatever you saw. We're all gonna be quiet and cool.

Have some booze after. No one asked to fucking do any hugging things or, you know, sound balls minus the sharing. Yeah, I don't want to share. It's a lonely, lonesome journey. You should be more of a lonesome warrior. Lonesome. Oh my god. It is, it is, it's independent. There's like nothing you can... These are good signs. When I was, I remember when I was just starting meditating, I had this crazy experience. I'm sitting meditating, nothing, nothing, nothing had been happening.

I wasn't on anything, nothing. I hate meditating to this day. And I'm sitting there meditating. And I felt as lonely and heartbroken as I'd ever felt in my life out of nowhere. And I called David who teaches me how to do this stuff and he goes, that's the practice radiates out from that place.

That is it. You have tuned in. That is the situation, lonely. It's often described as lonely. And who can share this heartbreak with you? No, it's personal. No, but, and the irony is that my relationship with my husband got better.

Because I'm more centered in a way. I'm not leaking energy. Does that make sense where you're like in the game with the other person as much? That's right. It's like, it's an internal game more for me right now. I'm really much more introspective and slower. I was surprised because I have a lot more time to sit around. I mean, it's too personal personal question, but wow, man, that's a lot for your family too, huh?

I can't imagine. I don't know what Tom is, you know, I don't know. You have to have him on and do his side of this. Because I can't imagine what it's like for family to go through watching someone deal with cancer. It's horrible. Well, it's not as bad as having cancer. That's true.

That's kinda not, pussies. But it sucks all the way. But you know, look, there is absolutely no way to wrap this up in any kind of like pithy way. Other than to say I love you. Oh, I love you. And I'm so glad that you've gotten through

the major healing part of this thing. And you know Erin and I, we're ride or die. I love you so much. We're always, whatever that means or looks like. I love you so much. You guys are my absolute favorite people. Likewise. Love you.

We love you and I'm just so. Can I share one moment? Yeah. Can I share one funny moment of you? The trestles are at my house. This is in the summer before, I think the shit before the shit hit the fan. And I had constructed a white trash water slide for my kids.

Oh yeah. And I saw it on TikTok. It was so cool. I just took tarps and like put them down the hill. Incredible. Long, like 150 feet long. And then we were watching the kids do it, watching the kids do it, watching the kids do it.

And then you, Mr. Duncan, are like, let's go do it. And I was like, no way, no, no. You know, I'm an adult now, I'm gonna break something. And then the next thing you know, the three of us, Aaron, you and me, are just down this water slide. And I haven't felt that glee in so long, and I'm so grateful that you were like, let's fucking do it, man.

I'm like, yeah, who cares if my tits pop out? I'm like, fucking who cares? That was a good moment. Oh my God, thank you, yeah. It's the best moment. How do you spend all that time setting up fucking tarps? It's a dream, I've seen those TikToks and suddenly there it is.

So easy, Amazon, babe. Cause you could snap, I mean, at our age, it was like, honestly, I wasn't thinking. Like, this old ass, I could easily, it's been paralyzed. Like I could, easily we could be doing this in some, with my fucking like wheelchair. Like in some fancy, I am the line your own gang.

Oh, and we put baby oil on it, don't forget. Dude, it was lightning fast. That was the best, dude. Well, we're gonna do more of those, I hope. Yeah, let's do it, let's do it. All right, thank you so much. I love you. Love you, bye. That was the best. We're gonna do more of those I hope. Let's do it. Thank you so much. Love you. Bye. That was Christina P everybody. Watch her on YMH. Follow her Instagram. My god, her Instagram is the most incredible hand-picked assemblage of the weirdest people

assemblage of the weirdest people posting online. It's a must follow. Thank you for watching. Thank you to our sponsors. And I'll see you next week. Until then, be thankful for all that we truly have. Goodbye.