Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 662: Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: January 18, 2025

Ari Shaffir, comedian, actor, podcaster, writer, and producer, re-joins the DTFH! Check out Ari Shaffir: America’s Sweetheart, now streaming on Netflix! You can also learn more about Ari, and see his upcoming tour dates, on his site AriShaffir.com! This episode is brought to you by: Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DUNCAN for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, Squarespace.com/DUNCAN to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/duncan and get on your way to being your best self.

Oh, I don't like to use them. I cannot afford the actual, like, rogues, but they have these, which, like, people. Fake rogues? They're not fake. They've just already been in a man's mouth. Oh. It's hard to find the ones that women have used.

It's more men. But, yeah, you can't tell the difference. They put it through some kind of filtration process, and there's still the same amount of nicotine in, apparently, which is weird. I figured it would all go away. But no. You think it would. And I use organically sourced, reused drugs.

So these come from a trucker in Tennessee. His name is Carson Daly, not the host, but that's Sesame's name. And he, yeah, like, you know, I'm supporting a truckers family. Can I touch the top? Sure. Just the top? Just the top, please? Just this? Yeah.

Okay. What? Why'd you wanna touch it? Why'd you stop me? Well, I mean, it's weird. Why would you touch another man's, the top of another man's road? I don't know why you made it so difficult. There's a lot of culture behind these things.

You can't just jump into it. It's like the NFT world, man. Like you just, this is deep. Yeah. I'm gonna do that. Trust me, don't do that. I'll, this is, I'm sure you've had this happen to you, but, and it used to really disturb me.

Now it just seems funny, but do you remember as a child you go to a friend's house and There's an assumption their parents have that you are aware of whatever the fucking weird Familial rules are in the house. Mm-hmm. Emilio familial. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? So like you any given house has got some stupid hierarchy some some like stupid family rules some like Idiot fucking thing that they adhered to for some pathetic like two or three generations. They think that's incredible But the main thing is there's an assumption they have that everyone is aware of the Perkader families, you know Whatever the fuck they do before a meal. Yeah.

You don't know what it is. You don't know. But you don't do it. So you fucked up. You messed things up. No one told me. There's no, you give me the sheet. Give me the rule sheet when I come in.

And I will try. But they don't do that. And so then you get that experience of a kind of formal family's disdain for you. You know what I mean? And you don't even know what the fuck you did. That to me is one of the funniest things. There's a lot of people out there who have rules about the way you want us to behave around them, but they never express that out loud. Yeah. What do you got?

You have to learn it. Yeah. Via rejection. You've had that experience. I had a cousin that was ousted from the whole family. For what? Well Duncan, he crossed the line. He went to visit my grandmother and keep her company.

Wasn't even his grandmother, it was his in-law grandmother. He married in. And that was wrong. No, no. That part's good. Yeah, over there constantly keeping her company, he married in. And that was wrong. No, no. That part's good. Yeah, over there constantly, keeping her company, keeping her company, she was cooking, she's the paid matriarch.

What was her name? Safda. Safda. Yeah, that's what we called her, Fanny. Fanny. But Safda, it means grandmother. And he was like, oh, what are you cooking? He looked in there, he was like, oh, wow.

What the fuck, did you just look under the pot? Oh no, he looked under the pot. That guy's a piece of shit. Did he really look under the pot? Yeah. Who was the, who witnessed this? I guess my grandmother did. And so we're just gonna go off what she says.

We're gonna believe her. So he looked under the pot. I mean, she could've just made something up from scratch just to get rid of him, but why would she? He's out there visiting her every day. So how does, how is this brought up? I mean, was just her... Oh wow, that's great. No one's there.

Just her. So what does she do? Like call someone or she's like, get out of here. Yeah, I'll be ready tonight. And then just like told everybody. So did she get on the phone and say, you won't believe what he did. This lunatic crazy He looked under the pot. You're making a bit see Oh my god

Softed no, this can't be real. Are you sure? He looked are you sure? I'm not crazy. Okay She never went crazy. She passed but she never went crazy. Someone looks at her and I'm like, I fucking know it. He's out. He's out. We'll just be weird around him for the next 25 years. Okay, so this event happens. This is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. I'm assuming he was not aware.

Couldn't have been. That you never looked under the pot. When I heard about it, I was like, I probably looked under her pot. Thank God she wasn't when I heard about it, I was like, I probably looked under her pot. Thank God she wasn't around. When I did, I was like, what's cooking? You just, what's cooking? Oh, cool, those meatballs.

So who in the family was aware of the don't look under softest pot rule? I guess everyone in the older generation. Your dad. Yeah. So what did your dad? He wasn't like, I've never heard of this. He was, I have heard of it.

What did he say about it? That was, was he like? I guess they're mad about he he wouldn't have been mad about it But I guess he'd be aware that you shouldn't have done it So okay, if your cousin went to softa, yeah and said listen, I just didn't I had no idea I don't think they ever told him. I think they just did that they just aggressive And so all of a sudden things are weird for him passive aggressive thing where it's like, we're just gonna be weird around you. And so all of a sudden things are weird for him. And like, if I'm at someone's house,

like I could easily probably come up with like two or three things. I'm like, okay, I know what I, I forgot to take my shoes off, dump. Yeah, and it was too smelly. Yeah. Or like, yeah, anything. I stepped on their dog. Whatever the fuck it is, you know,

you can come up with a thing. But that one, I'm never gonna think, I looked under her pot Now let me ask you this. I'm sorry. This is your soft. Yeah. Are you sure? she meant cooking pot because it You think under her dress he looked under her dress sounds like it That would be the right reaction for that. That's no it's too subtle a reaction for that It wouldn't have been that,

because it's like, I guess it should actually be more metal. Hey, softa, let's see what's cooking under here. I'm pretty sure. Ah, you're looking under my butt. Dude, so that's exactly what I'm talking about. And for that to work, it doesn't just require like soft,

or with like some like rule that I probably, if we keep going back generations, her reaction, they would look at her as like enlightened. They'd, you know, like if you go way back, an ancestor could be like, well, didn't you cut his hands off? No. What?

You're weak. You cut the hands off of those who look into the pot. You know what I mean? Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just passive aggressive? That's not gonna do it. That one, didn't they know?

That's a sin, a mortal sin. So, but for that rule to work, your dad and everyone in the family has to play this pot game. That's how the rules carry on. The game would immediately end if everyone in the family is like, -"We don't do that." -"So what?" Like if you have a gay brother or something and someone is like,

-"I can't believe it." -"Oh, what? Shut up." -"So what?" -"Yeah, it's fine." That's the funniest shit about it is it's inevitably, like if you follow it, there's always some older person enforcing these rules forcing the madness and they always tell you the rule in moments of you wronged it. They don't tell you the rules like hey, by the way, just so, you know, nice to meet you. If you ever were in my house, don't don't look in pots or your dad could have someone who was like, thank you for taking care of this member of our family could have easily like, listen, I know some of this shit is gonna be crazy, but with Safda, don't look under her pot,

don't raise an eyebrow as you walk out of the bathroom, don't touch your underarms past seven, these are the rules of Safda. You would have to know not only what she does, but what someone else might not be aware of. Yeah. Cause it wouldn't be like, oh don't punch her in the face. Yeah, that's.

You'd be like, I don't even bring that up. That's like five generations ahead where you have to tell people that. You have to be like, please don't, okay, here are the rules, don't punch my grandmother in the face, don't shove your thumb in her ass. But you wouldn't even know what to tell somebody. You'd be like, hey, did you not wash your hands

out of the bathroom? And if they're from some dingy country, they'd be like, what do you mean? Right. No? Right. You have to. Like, oh, I've never heard of that.

Yeah. But you wouldn't think to tell them that. You've got to wonder how many things right now in our society that we think are like, you must be this way, are just soft as pie. How many fucking things we're doing are just a contagion. Seven. Okay, let's go through. Okay.

Yeah. Soft as pie. It sounds like a Jordan Peterson book. In Eastern Europe, you don't smile at people. Okay, number one. They think it's shifty. Don't smile. I hear that. They think you're gonna get people in trouble.

Like in Russia, I've heard of you smile at someone. They will chase you down. They'll be like, what are you doing, dude? You're gonna draw attention. Yeah, don't smile. So that's the... So I know if you sort of study Putin mm-hmm he Exemplifies that like he he's like fresh out of the dentist's office frozen fucking face no matter what he's talking about and Okay, I've heard that okay. There's one Isn't there like when you go to the Middle East like you don't It's like no touching shoes or something like that in front of somebody or like there's definitely a lot of like intense shoe

rules like in other words like throwing your shoe at someone like that duty through his shoe at Bush huh that is like the ultimate insult to throw your shoe at someone that's an opposite one because he thought it would have more of an effect and Bush was like yeah yeah my Yeah, yeah. He goes, oh, in my country, I massively insulted you. And he goes, oh, that's cool. Yeah, like I don't care. Yeah, I don't care. At all.

Like what? What the fuck? You're not gonna try to kill my family for this? Like for what? For what? You missed. It's annoying. It's like what my toddler does every day.

Who cares? You know, yeah, so there's those. There's, I know there's like a... Was badgering TSA one time They were like swabbing me down when I was like opting out getting real mad and strong me down I was like, isn't this insulting what you're doing in your country touching my shoes like that. Isn't that like demeaning for you? You said that? I was just a big cunt, but

And I've still I've come that was a long time ago you but you went through a period of like it's the marquis de saad coming Through the fucking you but you went through a period of like it's the margie de sade coming through the fucking you and you Hated I had to read just you're never doing it to like it's just a fact of it I have a few friends who got you still get super steamed at the TSA just it triggers their Anti-authority the part of them that they don't generally have control over and it just comes out and you see the TSA agents They've been through it so many times nothing fazes them anymore They don't care. It's us versus them at that point Yeah, they don't give a shit every single person going through like that and like scanners and like seems seems like a fucking modern like

Germany it is you know like oh like a tyrant. It's a hundred percent what it is. Yeah, it's it is so insane. But I think about it all the time when I go through it, because if you think about it, like an airport is really like an Orwellian shopping mall. It's a shopping mall. You've gotta get all your shit scanned, retinal scans, so that you have access to generally a pretty degraded experience

compared to what flying used to be, right? So and that's a hacky premise, everyone knows that, but like remember that South Park where someone invents a new form of transportation? Can you pull that up, man? It's South Park new form of transportation instead of flying. It's one of the funniest South Parks of all time.

Check this out. I don't know how much of this we can play. I think if I chant over or allowed to maybe find the video. Oh, there it is. A new way to travel right there. Oh, remember this? I remember it.

I remember it. Everyone's so excited. At incredibly fast speeds and not having to go to the stupid fart face airports That sounds incredible. Mr. Garra Sam. It is incredible. Mr. Hatt and what makes it possible is its patented gyroscope design This is so fun. Gentlemen. I give you it Nice sleek it gets over 300 miles to the gallon and is safely capable You can skip forward to someone riding it. It's coming soon

There we go now the final flexi grip is directly in front of the driver so that small switches can be operated with the mouth as such Ruins the airlines because everyone would rather do that we get fucked up the ass and have to blow a machine then Yeah, this guy like I use my fucking back of my hands. Sometimes I tell him to Mike. It's fine. Just do it I got it. It's like my vasectomy sometimes goes off. Oh Why it has metal in it? No, it's like a little peanut. So in the scanners Oh, they see a little there's something in there and I'm like, it's it's what do you think? It could be like what technology do I have? Yeah, it's like my dick, but they'll I just do it I'm like I have to say the whole thing. I'm like, come on. I want to get out of here. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just, oh yeah, they have to say it. You're like, I don't care.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know. I've surrendered to the fucking demiurge. I've given up. I know that Satan is the lord of the earth. You're just an orc, and you're gonna fucking molest me in some way, and I'm gonna take it, because I need to get somewhere,

and that you've lodged. It's the classic, in all fairy tales. It's the archetype. Wherever there's a bridge, a troll emerges. And so this is the modern bridge troll. It found a place where you have no choice. You got no choice. No choice, you gotta go fucking through.

And so it's like, and the bridge troll has evolved it's incredible the evolution of the situation dress there were uniforms troll uniforms you know you've got to help you if you forget that you have water in your backpack you might as well look under softest pot they will they look they're like did you have what Do you have water in your backpack? It's a dumb rules. It's those rules and you're like, oh shit. Actually, I want to keep the bottle So I'll pour it out and they go no, no, you gotta go through it. I was like, oh, okay Can you just put it in like no you have to leave security line again?

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Either way, I'm happy to help you out. Hymns, give it a shot. Do the loop again. Fine, throw it out. I'll just spend six dollars on a water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they get you. And it's like, it's mildly discomforting when they touch your dicks. I'm like, I just want to let this out of my mind as fast as possible. Let's not extend this.

Yeah. It's kind of gross. It's like a little too pressurey on my penis. It's not fun. Whatever. I hope you didn't. But if you learned any kind of like survival skills as a child when someone is touching your dick.

To move away from it. You apply, just to go to sleep, disassociate. You apply that to the TSA. And then, like, when you get through, when you get through and they search your fucking bag, and you're sitting there, you know nothing's in your bag, and you're watching the diligence with which they're searching your bag,

but once my bag got picked, and they're watching the diligence with which they're searching your bag, but once my bag got picked. And they're like, do you have a dagger in your bag? And I remembered, yes. Oh, but that... I had a beautiful knife someone gave me. It's a fighting dagger. It's incredible.

It's an ancient fighting dagger. This is a guy who was like into martial arts and he gave me this fighting dagger that like what you could flip it out really fast I do have that it's for fight. It's like and I'm like remember what oh Yeah, and then you're like, what do you say? like you see my friend is a respected martial artist and he felt like he said every bee should have a stinger and is a respected martial artist and he felt like he said every bee should have a stinger. And you know, it's true. Like, I don't think anything's wrong with having this. So I doubt I would survive a knife fight because I've heard the best rule for a knife fight is like run away.

Run, yeah, don't don't don't engage. But anyway, this was a dear friend who gave it to me. I'm wondering, could I move on through with my fighting dagger because I'm not gonna put on shelf when I get home I think it looked great. You can see that dream No intent to use this knife during my travels in the airport though it might seem like that No, if they're taking your fucking dagger and they were they're like, I'm pretty sure that gets you on the random search list You should be as like hey, so I wasn't gonna use this for anything Can you just put it like underneath the plane or something give it to me on the way back?

Because I'm allowed to have it in the front of the gotta go out and you got a pack you gotta you can put it In your bags. I'm so sorry. This is rule rude rule You gotta go, but you got to do the loop So if you fuck up if you want to get your water to wherever you're going, do the loop, put it in your bag, you bitch. If you want to get your fighting dagger to Orleans. It's like a Candyland game. You got to do the loop now.

Like, well, the rule is if you have a water, you got to do the loop. If you have a shoe, that shoe's allowed to go. Two shoes, you do the loop. That, dude, and so you, okay, so then, because we spend a lot of time traveling, so you do use your comedian brain to deconstruct the airport. And I do that, so it's not just

that to get through into the garbage shopping mall, because every, even the best airports are like the worst shopping mall. You're gonna find a Spanx. You're gonna find like, like what, God, this airport spa. Do you do those? No, I've seen them. I will do the massage chair, but This airport spa. Do you do those? No, I've seen them.

I will do the massage chair. But not the spa. The spa's crazy. You get a massage at the airport? The spa is the- No way. Craziest shit I've ever seen. You're gonna get-

Take clothes off? At the airport? Dude. Let them touch your feet? Dude. I- You've done it? I have-

I will never do Be Relax. And that's the name of the spa. It's even- It's like- I you've done it I have never Relax and that's the name of the spa. It's even it's like it's like someone it's be relaxed It's be relaxed and you see these fucking people hunched over the shitty publicly getting massaged in an airport With the sounds of an airport which always suck like the next time you're at port just listen with the sounds of an airport, which always suck. Like the next time you're in an airport, just listen to the sounds of an airport. It's like, Shungang Bam, next flight get canceled.

Booo! Booo! Neeneneeneene! Oh! Bididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididid airport you're getting massaged that shit the fact that like how does that relax you yeah boarding at 17 boarding at 17 no I'm like I'm at 34 why am I here in this one dude it's that is one of the interesting subsections they crank those announcements like commercials oh they love doing them they love it that's their show yeah that's their hell show and the boy they love doing them. They love it. That's their show. Yeah, that's their

Hell show and the boy they love it when they're like if you're seated in rows BAM get back mean now we gotta get 40 bags or we can't take off. Here's a fun one. You're in you're in group two Okay, and you're like, let's say you're in group Yeah, I'll say group two it could work for group three or? And you're like, or let's say you're in group, yeah, let's say group two. It could work for group three or two. And you're like, okay, I gotta get on there.

But everyone, group one, they already sat the fucking faker, you know, faker tards. They sat, all the old people, all the military. And now you're like, we're running out of top space, for sure, and you know they're gonna be like, we're gonna check this, you're gonna have to wait in line. I know you gotta go straight to your show, you're not gonna be able to do that if you don't get it up this you're like alright

I'm waiting group one group one you wait in group one goes first first class then group one Wait and waiting is like you don't want a bunch the line and they go okay now boarding group two now group three group two Three group four You didn't get in there For the medallion group two is medallions that's something you didn't leave a space for the medallion. Group two is medallions. That's something you revealed about yourself. You're a medallion member. No, that's group one.

On Delta. And you want to be able to, what are you? Move then. Yeah, you don't want to do that. You know someone's in front of you and like that's not their group. They create a wall around the end of the line so you can't access the end of the line.

You know what they call them? They call those airport lice. So the lice is, so yeah, so what happens is mass psychosis happens and a contagion happens because some neurotic dude on speed jumps up immediately when they're saying like, we will board in 30 minutes, but he's in there. He's not even the first group, but he needs to stand. And then other people see him standing and then that gets the competitive frothing thing going on. I am actually in group one, and I know that dude is not so I'm gonna go ahead and move up here.

And then a cluster of fucking... and I'll tell you a new thing I've encountered on the airline. I don't know, I'm dishing on airlines Taking up prisoners. I want to know if you've noticed this or not the morning Yappers have you noticed this? No, what do you mean? It's happened for it used to be in the morning the early early flights People it's quiet people would sleep but the last four flights Inevit inevitably it's women.

Or a woman and a man, or a man and a man. But women. But a mix of people. You could be on a two and a half hour flight, and from before it takes off to when it lands, they're not just talking loud They're like talking and they like one of the gotta get over this I told him you better get your colonoscopy, but he didn't listen and they found so many polyps It was like it was like a garden of polyps down there

I saw the pictures and I just couldn't believe it. Oh my god. Did they remove the polyps? Well, what? the scissors that he was using to cut the polyps got Stuck in one of the meaty polyps and then there were these tiny little elf scissors stuck in a polyp So now he's got to go in to get the scissors removed. This is the only defense for that. You're talking, the only defense is like, that's it, that's all you can do is like. You can't, yeah, you can give them a scornful look.

But that, you know, that's like giving a vampire a glass of blood. They love it, cause you know, they're getting off on people turning around. You think so? Oh yeah. Or you think they're just totally in people turning around. You think so? Or you think they're just totally in their own world? I think one-

Completely solipsistic to the point where they're like, I don't know, what are they turning around about? Okay, this is- Is there something behind me? Here's a superstition I have, and I think it makes me veer towards cynicism. Okay. I always think if someone is doing something like that or just you know in a cafe you know watching a movie with no headphones I

I feel like at some level They are acutely aware That what they're doing Sucks and they persist in doing it as a embarrassing flailing against

their powerlessness and inevitable demise, it's sort of a It's like they're doing it on purpose or just it innately They're doing it on purpose because they because it's like it's it's you know it's some kind of stupid dumb war They're waging against their species, and it's a kind of like asymmetrical warfare. Which is like. I'm just gonna fucking listen I'm gonna. I'm gonna watch the view I'm gonna watch the view in Starbucks on my iPad loud as it can fucking go pretty good social experiment It's like antisocial, but not so aggressively that no one can say anything just to walk the line It's pretty fun actually makes he actually want to do that more now dude. Well you see in between

Your Great-grandmother's great no just your grandmother's crazy ass pot rule And like he was showing our interest and like actual let me see laws that we need yeah there's an entire universe of things that there are no laws for and that society as a whole has to police farting in an elevator with aggressive looks and that's all we do now is aggressive looks there's an art piece about a slightly antisocial behavior

and so they have somebody go to work in an office and They don't work there, but they're a new hire I think they get a job for the art piece and then they just don't work Or they they're having it done with a boss and they just sit at their desk and just kind of stare That's cool. Just stay out the window and then people like hey, do you need help with anything? They're like no, no just uh get my thoughts together They just keep doing and it makes everyone so upset Oh, yeah, because they're like why why isn't she like doing but like I don't even know where her job is

But like it's like that's not right standing the wrong way in the elevator, dude. That is Insidious that's culture jamming. That's fucking cool. That's really, you know, I've thought about this before when, and someone must have done this by now, but you know, minimum wage, it sucks. It's like, what is minimum wage? Like what's that? It's gone way up since we were. What's the average?

Seven, 25 I think. Seven, oh that's pretty good. What's the average minimum wage? Let's look that up. Of all the states. Average minimum wage let's look that up of all the states Average minimum wage 725 so low so in Texas same as a federal okay, wow you're getting 725 per hour so That I'm since 2009 that's

16 years so what does that come out per month? Hold on, I know this. Oh, I don't know. It's like $7,000 a year? $1,218 a month. And then what's that after taxes and all that? Anyway, the point is. $12,000, $18,000's a it's about it's eight thousand dollars

a year they'll make after taxes what no that's the average income yeah you know you'll make after tax you'll make about eight or nine thousand dollars a year they'll tax you less but that's that's about it so make this to me is it like right now that the thinking when it comes to like opening up a Starbucks, you know franchises Thinking is well The you know, I'm gonna open up. I have the money to invest in McDonald's I don't know how it works when you get a franchise

But this is one of the reasons why like huge swaths of our country have just turned into some kind of like why like huge swaths of our country have just turned into some kind of like Horror show of just you know weird franchises everywhere sprawl is what they call it It's just you know little fishing boats on the on the waters of capitalism you throw your fucking franchise out It's a fucking donut shop. It's guaranteed to make X amount of money minimum wages this month That's how you invest so like The assumption blank straight coffee they make it look like an independent coffee shop because the minimum wages this month, that's how you invest. So like, the assumption being- That's Blank Street Coffee. They make it look like an independent coffee shop

because the investors that went into it did the market research, like make it white walls, make it look like that. Oh yeah, oh, if he- We use the shittiest bean, but they'll think it's good beans. People just wander in, they won't know it's some shitty franchise, they'll have no idea.

Blank Street, it's all corporate venture capitalists, whatever, and it's made to look like something your neighbor runs. Bingo. Yeah. That's so brilliant. That's so fucking brilliant. And someone could compete with them by making theirs seem even more authentic.

You know, and that's gonna be probably a new thing. It's like increasingly authentic coffee shops until. Yeah, how's the coffee? It is the worst in America. Horrible. Yeah, the lowest level. Horrible. Never go to a blank street.

Tell everybody, public service announcement. Next time you see a blank street, loot it. I'm going. Oh. Sounds perfect. I don't care, I'll take the placebo effect. Yeah. Okay, remember in LA,

Yeah? That pretentious ass coffee shop opens up. Intelligencia. Oh yeah. Do you remember in LA? Yeah, that pretentious ass coffee shop opens up Intelligentsia. Oh, yeah. Do you remember a good name? Nick. You said was all over it. Oh, yeah Oh, you go to Intelligentsia work on your screenplay and you the the baristas there They they dressed like they should be like pirates They dressed like they should be like pirates or something. You know what I mean? They were such deep hipsters. Or blacksmiths, pirate blacksmiths.

And like, and, you, remember that? Fucking like crazy leather aprons and handlebar mustaches. And dude, they could look at a man and then they compliment to be like nice pull thanks they wouldn't just say good coffee the pull I remember hearing someone say nice pull dude that's all they're saying is I know the code words exactly because if you didn't know that shit they would recognize you

as a fucking just an apostate like we go to Starbucks, what are you doing here? Go to fucking Dunkin' Donuts, bitch. Why are you pretending you have the taste buds that could even experience. Give me another lingo, asshole. And you'd get the coffee and like feel completely insecure. But when you consider like how easy it would be to build a coffee shop and

Just make people for minimum wage dress like blacksmiths Yeah, and rename the coffee like stupid fucking names. It's just Folgers. Yeah, you just oh you could fool everybody No, no one would know no one would know would be like oh my god. This place is incredible Thank God one who would tell like if you've been there more than once, you know the cat burglar For sex thing No, so cat burglar and what that is. Yeah, of course if they break in and they're caught they don't want violence They don't want like whatever they'll get told on Yeah, right there. Well, you're hoping just to get in and out if you if you wake up like what are you doing here?

My only defense at this point is to have sex with your butt against your will and if I can do that You're not going to the cops You should never become a cat burglar. Yeah Like that is you won't go to the cops. You'll be too embarrassed. I will go to the cops, friend. Oh really? Yeah, go ahead, fuck my ass. What are you gonna tell them, you love it? By the way, make my day, sure, I do love it.

I love it when I get fucked. That's the problem. Now as homosexuality becomes so increasingly accepted, that tactic might not work for capitalism. That's how you defeat the cat. I realize now that's a 25 year old reference I'm giving you. Yeah. That's from my phone days at the comedy stores

when I heard that. so it might not apply anymore Easily defeated. Yeah easily go ahead Can I suck your can I you care if I get suck your dick first put down the TV and come get blown It's literally it's a it's for sure a genre of porn I've seen that porn where it's like someone happens to like rob the house of these two like, just fucking hot, horny women who are like, you wanna rob our house and you're gonna suck our feet and suck our pussies.

And he's like, no, please! Call the cops, suck that feet. Anyway, dude, so you have people, one of those types of, I know good coffee. Turns out, you've been drinking Folgers for the last three months. Three times a week. And you were saying to all your friends it was good. Good, you said good pull.

You said good pull. You said good pull to somebody who just got fired from stocking shelves at Target. And we were like, I don't care, do you know how to make Folgers? Just fucking make Folgers. Who are you gonna report it to? You're that guy who want nobody you're gonna be quiet You're just gonna bitch about it. Maybe you'll leave a like salty reddit comment

You can't let it get out if you get it out. You're exposed now. You got fooled You actually have to murder anyone who might expose it. You are exposed forever You will never be you will walk into an actual intelligence and people will laugh. Yeah, you can't let it out. So this is, so that realm, the place where you can't really do laws for so many things, it is the assignment of the individual to not allow people to do these things.

And you know what I mean? Because the more you let it… You have to tell somebody. Break social code. Make a connection. So this is where you run into… This is where a fork appears in the road. Now on one side of the fork are people are seekers of vengeance now. These are the people

Who when cut off in traffic? Feel like it's their job to get revenge. Mm-hmm tailgate the dude cut them off heard him even it out So that's one branch and these people it's it's like what do they call it quicksodic? It's a it's it's pushing the bull it's like, what do they call it, quixotic. It's pushing the bull, it's like a maybe noble pursuit because in their minds they're like, if I do this, perhaps the person will stop the behavior. But they won't, it'll just extend it right now. It's shoveling shit against the tide.

Yeah, that's even if you shush some of the movies. Hoping, if I get shushed, I'm embarrassed. But a part of me is like, don't shush me. And so you're hoping they don't go, shut the fuck up, old man. And you're like, damn it, now I gotta sit here uncomfortable for the rest of this movie because they're right behind me.

Now you might start throwing peanuts at me and I can't do shit. Helpless. Yeah, I had to go full fight at a theater. At a theater? Yeah. Ugh, how embarrassing. In front of this kid I'm fucking, I just abducted him, I'm trying go full fight at a theater. At a theater? Yeah. Ugh, how embarrassing. In front of this kid I'm fucking, I just abducted him,

I'm trying to entertain him for once. Dude, and like, or get his respect. Yeah. And how are you gonna get his respect if you get knocked out by some high school kid? Hey, that's a good idea. Side note, can we, what is it? Side note?

Sidebar? Sidebar. So, I know you got kids right yeah, you like to impress them They want their respect. Yeah, let's set it up, bro Oh the classic you shut me up in a movie that we can do about it And I'll let you slap me in the face or if you want to go non-violence you can use one of your Buddhist mind tricks You know I like that yeah, and then get me to be like I'm really sorry I'm really sorry to you so I would rather do this yeah, we don't cuz now you're talking budget I can cry we gotta buy movie tickets. Yeah, I'm really sorry. And I'm really sorry to you, son. I would rather do this. Because now you're talking budget.

I can cry. We gotta buy movie tickets. I gotta get the kids into a fucking movie. There's not a lot of great kids. Here's what we do. You go to a cafe. OK. Starbucks.

Folgers Cafe. One near our house. I will bring the kids in. We will act like we don't know each other. They don't know you yet. I will point to you. You can be writing or whatever, and I'll say, guys, this is something I can do,

and it's not great, but you should know what powers your father has, and then I snap, and you go down. So they think I can, and then we could have someone else run up who's our friend and be like, I'm a doctor, oh my god, he's dead, he's dead, dead and then I can go no, he's not doctor You're back to life And then I'm like kids we gotta go you gotta tell this

To them either while you're driving not when you walk in when you're driving just and then like you just know I'm gonna be there. Yeah, just I know it's it's kind of like oh You just know I'm gonna be there. Yeah, just, no, it's kind of like... Oh, that'd be nice, bro. If their behavior is, you know... That'd be nice. Oh, then, right. Don't make me do this to you. Off a little bit, just be like,

guys, I would obviously never do this. You're my children, but this isn't the only thing I can do, but I'm gonna just show you something I can do. And, yeah, let's just go to this cafe. It only works on Jews. How? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm not gonna bring that up. Weeks before, whatever, and then you see, oh, day or two before, then the next day, I'm at that Starbucks, and it's like, oh, I wish that guy would not be in that chair.

So we could all sit down, I'll get a table, you know? And they're like, oh, it's okay, it's okay, papa. I'm sure your kids are all straight. It's okay, papa, we'll go to another one. And you go, no, I wanted that one. And you're like, no, it's okay, papa. They'll kind of have forgotten about the, and you're like, I'm gonna do the thing. And they go, what? Are you gonna just, down, like, papa, no, I wanted that one. And you're like, no, it's okay, bye bye. They'll kind of have forgotten about the, and you're like, I'm gonna do the thing.

And they go, what? I even just down, like, bye bye, no. Yeah, I love it. Doctor comes in rushed, however they react. What if they go, nice, we want that table. Don't bring them back. Dude, or what if they start looking at everyone in the restaurant and snapping?

They can't do it yet. They just wanna kill them. You can't just be a wizard. You gotta go to Hogwarts first. You know, that is a level of like primordial savagery in little boys, like we were walking on the beach, beautiful beach, and there's a, I don't know, a beautiful shore bird, I don't know what kind,

I don't know birds, beautiful though. And. Birds in the real. The. I don't know birds. Beautiful though. And birds are not real. The, I know. This episode of the DTFH has been supported by my longest running supporters. My god I love you Squarespace. Thank you for putting applesauce in my baby's mouth and also for creating an incredible tool that I use to this day. It's amazing. Go check out dunkintrustle.com.

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It's crazy. The world that we're entering into, my God, it's great. When I think back to the days where I thought, I guess I have to learn HTML to build a website. And you just realize like that's never gonna happen. I can't do that. This is a nightmare And then you're like, I want to find a web designer. Oh Jesus Christ Jesus Christ wake up screaming covered in sweat your sweat stinking

From the dreams I still have of working with web designers back in the late 90s. My god. A lot of them, you know, they couldn't even walk. They just slithered around. They didn't have legs. They were half serpent, half men, long beards full of lice. They ate raw onions. That's it. They would just inject amphetamines into their neck right in front of you and then wouldn't listen when you told them what you wanted to build for a website. Then they would show you what they built and it would be horrible. Then they would ask for more money than you can imagine. A gold mine.

Some people would have to pay them in gold mines and they'd slither off in the mine and live in the gold. They didn't even like gold. They just liked shooting amphetamines up in the dark. We don't have to do that anymore friends thanks to Squarespace. Now you could do it all yourself and it's quick, simple, and what I really love about it is it's as complex as you want it to be. You want to take a deep dive into web design technology. You can do that. You want to build a website in an hour or two. No problemo. You want a paywall for your dearest fans. You can do that with Squarespace.

They've got everything you need to start an online shop. And of course, you can get all your socials popping up on your website. No problem. It's all there for you waiting. Listen, don't take my word for it. Try it out for free. Go to squarespace.com forward slash Duncan. And when you're ready to launch, which you will be, use offer code Duncan to get 10% off

your first order of a website or a domain. Again it's squarespace.com forward slash Duncan, offer code Duncan to get 10% off. I salute you! My kid, he looks at the bird and I'm thinking he's about to say, God, you know, the beauty of nature. And he's like, he goes, if I hit it with a rock, can we eat it? It's like the most beautiful bird. And he's hunting. How old is this kid?

Well at the time he was probably four. Wow, wow. You know? And he was just thinking about eating, hunting. He was hungry. He was hungry. You know? But to get back to the earlier unsigned bar.

So when you realize that the world that we're living in, if you're one of those people who's decided to be a... and I'm really interested in your thoughts on revenge, but it seems to me if you're a person who is trying to take minor vengences on people breaking social social norms or norms that you think they understand I Feel like your life is Hell hellish yeah, it's gotta be a force. You're a you're a hangman. You're you're yes, but you don't just walk away clean from that No, you're in and I'm telling you about this because I'm guessing. The New Count of Monte Cristo. Gotta watch, it's fucking great.

I love the book, you know the book? Yeah. Great book. Revenge Tale. It's the best Revenge Tale ever. You see the heiress? No. Sidebar, it's a good one.

Okay. Black and white, watch it with your chick. Check it out. Good old movie, it's like an hour and 10. It's my wife. Yeah. I don't call her that. I call her that.

Hey Duncan, thanks for bringing your chick. And she's like, can you please, I've known you for like a decade now. And I'm like, your chick's talking. Listen man, I want you to- I go hi chick. Okay, sidebar. Sidebar.

I wanna invite you to my toxic masculinity seminar. Ooh. I've been doing these in Costa Rica. Okay. Romania's a better spot for it Romania they Okay, they they recognized what a threat they work too. Well, they are to the patriarchy Okay, and yeah, no we you know, I when I went to one of these and I had no idea

How much I was just filled with toxic masculinity from top to bottom. Oh, it doesn't, I saw it was a seminar to get you toxically masculine. You're saying it's to teach you about it. You know, man, I know you're a comedian, I respect the craft and artist stand of comedy, and I know that every single thing

you wanna turn into funny. Okay. But the truth of the matter is, like, if you had just been bitten by a rattlesnake, I don't think you'd be laughing. And I'm telling you, you have been bitten by the snake of the patriarchy, injected with generational trauma! And we extract it. We pull it out and I have seen this happen so many fucking times and I always cry

when finally you break through the resistances that surround a man's pocket of toxic masculinity and you see it happen, I'm sure you've heard of what happens, explosive orgasm, I have seen jizz rip through a man's underwear In the jizz is always black or green or purple or some combination of these colors It has giant sperm in it. It's like not micro. You can see them like when you look at a cocoon

It's like not micro- you can see them like when you look at a cocoon pulsating in the mucousy brine and then they fucking scatter dude. That's in you right now. Does that seem funny Ari? Is that something to laugh about? You have a pulsating pustule filled with toxic sperm that are exponentially larger than your regular sperm. Why would you laugh? That's a deeper question. I was thinking about inter- what'd you call it? Intergenerational trauma? Yes. I asked my dad about that and he said he doesn't believe in it because there's no proof of it anyway because it goes all proof of that would have been lost during the Holocaust. So he doesn't believe in it because there's no proof of it anyway because it goes all proof of that would have been lost during the Holocaust so he doesn't believe in it

there is proof of it epigenetics used to be considered junk science I'll send you an article you could fucking one up your dad you what you should do the next time he's cooking they'll lift up the pot put it down and then show him this fucking article main bar yeah so the main... Unside bar. Okay, un-fucking side bar. What are your thoughts on vengeance? Okay, listen, you want to take it. It's not going to do your tactics.

I was here in Austin, hanging out, and one of my friends from Los Angeles was around, and they're politically, I'm a step back and watch everybody kind of guy. I don't fully care. He's from Los Angeles, so he's a little more left. He's more bubbly than some.

I mean, he's not used to this is also a bubble here. So he's seeing it all and he's like, they're all this and this. And I'm like, first of all, I just know, I get it from your side. I can see what both of you are saying about each other. You're talking about your fringes, not your main. And he goes, I just think, I get it from your side. I can see what both of you are saying about each other. You're talking about your fringes, not your mane. And he goes, I just think people should leave trans people

alone and live their lives. I'm like, 90% of the right agrees with you. They all say that too. But he goes, they're all rednecks and idiots and dumb racists and I'm like, they're not. I know some of them are professors, that's just not true. And he goes, but they're this and this. I'm like, do you think your tactics are working?

Nah. Do you think you're, and he was like, no, that no. For sure not. It doesn't work. I'm like, so what are you doing? So one time I was at Carney's, I just got my first cell phone. I was a brick and I was talking

and I didn't know the right levels. It's like you're here, so I was talking too loud. And this lady, I was upsetting her meal. I just didn't know. My friend's like, ah, Nemo, I just didn't know how much you had to like. She's like, thanks for ruining my meal. She waited till way afterwards.

And she didn't once go, hey, would you mind keeping it down? To which I would have, I know myself, oh my God, I'm so sorry. But she chose violence verbal violence Yeah, and that her tactics didn't work. She goes. That's ruining my meal. I go shut up cunt Like it brought it right out of me. I didn't even think about what did she do oh? And walked away, but it's like your tactics were not working. It didn't work It's true. It just made me fight. Well, it's a little bit like

She wanted to be right and she didn't want to correct the behavior You got it, you know when you have kids you got we got dogs their little dogs But like you have to teach the kid the kid doesn't know Poke a dog and don't shove your face in the dog's face or don't like reach into the dog bowl while they're eating There's sweet dogs. But if you do that, you're just gonna, it's like, I try to explain it to them. It's like a trap. You press the trigger on the trap, the trap springs, and inside animals, there's that trap.

It'll spring. It's not that they hate you. It's just that they have tiny brains, and this is what keeps them alive. So yeah, people like your friend, they have some kind of like, I would call it a utopian vision of the world. They have an idea of how humanity could be. This is an American tradition. So many various utopias have been attempted here and most of them

fail. But the utopian visions of the past, they usually have, they're a little more like logical, rational, get a farm, you know what I mean? You need some enforcement though. Someone's going to break the social laws. The new utopian visionary seems to think condescension, ostracization, humiliation, and appeal to authority are actionable measures to take to create societal change in the world. And that is so dumb as a tactic. It's bad tactics. That it makes me think that a lot of the people who are angrily,

I wouldn't call it real violence, but angrily, ungracefully sort of going through this loop of what they consider to be activism are afflicted with Dun and what's it called? When you're the dumbest person in the room? Dun and Kruger. Dun and Kruger. The people, of course, when you consider, you know the Dunning-Kruger effect? The dumbest person in the room thinks they're the smartest person in the room. Because they're so dumb.

They don't even know. They haven't gotten to the point of mid-level intelligence where you can recognize like, oh, that person's smarter than me. I'm actually pretty dumb. They're so dumb, they just think that they're brilliant. And then those people- Gotta fight with an Uber driver, and a real estate broker, I was telling her what the real estate scene is like,

and I'm like, what am I doing? She knows more than me. This Uber driver was like, are you going to the Comedy Mothers because I was going there and it was Like yeah You ever been there like no I'm performing there I go there all the times like is that the guy Joe Rogan guy like yeah Yeah, that's a good friend of mine, and he goes yeah

He does all these things used to be a UFC and like as a commentator goes no no used to like fight in the UFC I'm like no no he didn't he goes no no he did no it's a friend of mine He did he just definitely didn't he goes no no he did I'm like no it's a friend of mine He just definitely didn't he goes he did Right just too dumb to know like well I guess if the guy knows him knows him dude I guess must know what you what I've started doing in those cases when I realize Someone thinks something that's totally wrong, and I know it's wrong. Yeah. Is I just go, yeah, whoa, that's nuts. And, cause who fucking cares? And again, what is your job to educate

dumbasses about things they're wrong about? Especially when they push back, you're just like, dude, that's not your job. Or, yeah, I love when you're like, you know what it is. You're like, Bicycle day's April 19th, right? You taught me that. And so if somebody's like, bicycle day's March 19th, you're like, no, it's April 19th.

And they're like, I'm pretty sure it's March 19th. Because they have it in their head, wrong, but it's in their head. And then they're like, no, it's April. It's a good friend of yours. And then they look it up, they're like, no, it is April. And you're like, no, I know. I wasn't doubting myself. But they always give you this, like, oh, look at. And you're like, no I know. I wasn't like doubting myself.

But they always give you this like, oh look at that. You're like, I know. Thanks Snopes. Yeah. So okay, so that's the Dunning-Kruger effect. So the Dunning-Kruger effect, I would speculate. She called Dunson Kruger effect. You know I do suffer from Dunning-Kruger quite a bit.

That's why I think it's a quality that isn't the worst thing when you're podcasting. But I do feel like I have a general sense of like not just how dumb I am, but also how I'm getting dumber. So I do feel like if I had the Dunning-Kruger effect, it's dissipating somewhat. But I think that a quality of being dumb is you parrot, you repeat sayings that make you seem smart. You don't look into what you're saying at all. You just say it because other people who are considered smart say it, for example, that's a really good pull.

A dumb person sees that and is like, ooh, I'm going to say that because people will think I'm smart. And they'll say that's a really good pull. Pull and they're like, ooh, I'm gonna say that because people will think I'm smart. And they'll say, that's a really good pool. Pull in there like, whoa, dude, okay, yeah, and he's like, I'm in. So the contagion, so if whenever you see huge swaths of people regurgitating exact sentences that align them with what is considered to be the advanced,

sophisticated way of being in the world. It could be that a massive percentage of those people is suffering from Dunning Kruger. Listening to a dumber person? They're dumb people imitating who they people they think are smart or representative of the culture they want to align with and they haven't even thought about what they're saying. They haven't even looked into anything, anything. Reminds me of one time when Trump beat Hillary Clinton

or she was running and somebody was talking in New York and they were like, oh, she's the most overqualified candidate. And I was like, what do you mean? And they're like, she's overqualified. I'm like, can you be, oh, not that much. She's overqualified. I'm like, can you be, oh, not the most, she's overqualified. I'm like, how can be overqualified

to be president of the United States of America? And she was like, she was a senator and she was a secretary of state. It's the most, and I'm like, so was the guy who lost before, like two ago. He was also a senator and a secretary of state. Like, who's more qualified? She, you got him.

Equally qualified. There you go, go you got him and then they're like You see them see it for the first time the disconnect between what they think is smart from listening to a smart person versus like Oh, yeah, it doesn't make any sense And that's the other problem is it's like so if we're gonna look at Dunning-Kruger effect There's going to be a spectrum of Dunning-Kruger So on one side of Dunning-Kruger, you're gonna have people who are so dumb, they think they're smart,

but they're not even good at imitating the high level Dunning-Kruger people. So that's the low end, those are the people just on the fringe of being dumb again. But then as it goes up, that's where you get into like maximum Dunning Krueger. These are people who are so good at regurgitating data and behaviors and like feigning confidence that they get elected, dude. You know what I mean? Because if you

look at a standard politician, all they're doing is regurgitating the same weird phrase exactly at the same time over and over again. They just say the same shit over and over. They don't read the bills. They get a breakdown. I was like, or else what do I say? I'll say that. Someone else tells them what to say, which brings me as a sidebar. Can you look up alien telepathically controlling Senator? Have you seen this shit? I'm an alien telepathically controlling senator. Have you seen this shit?

Anyway, the point is like if you it's kind of terrifying to imagine when you like analyze like people in power How many of them are actually thinking about anything that they're doing and how many of them are just like? Robots that are repeating behaviors and catchphrases they let me hear it oh wait you have to look this pops up on reddit conspiracy from time to time let's see person sitting behind senator controls what they say it's really weird I don't believe this is actually happening but I I mean controls what the senator says yeah I hope it pops up again. We're deal like this is this is reddit conspiracy so like this could be on like I You know what go to YouTube you're gonna have to dig deep or you're gonna have to go to X

Oh, you got to take tools off Go bad for your brain searches. Yeah, you gotta like. Oh, X, they won't, yeah, they don't let me. Just alien controlling senator, alien sitting behind senator. You do a search like that on Twitter? Yeah, there you go. To the record, page 55 from the committee's interview

with FBI employees. Have some administrative matters first. I wanted to introduce. Now I'm pretty sure what's happening there is that, that might. 55 from the committee's be five, but look she's saying what she said. Yeah, she's saying what she says I know what's happening there. Is it a blind person? No, I know it's it's it's she's too focused she's an intern and She has read the thing a thousand times and they all prepped her so much that she's like Well, Will Smith used to do this in Fresh Prince.

He would say, he would mouth out the other person's, the first season, he'd mouth out the other person's lines. No dude, she's right, right. That's like a trusted advisor. Play it again. I wanted to introduce into the record, page 55 from the committee. Even the stammer.

With FBI employees, have some administrative. But she said 50. I wanted to introduce into the record. What she says wrong. 55 from the committee's interview. So when she starts the wrong one, she's like, nope, you're fucked up the script. Again.

That's when she turns her head. I guess the point. And the telepathy also. So yeah, I guess the point here is like theoretically. God, the eyes really sell it. The person who is the congresswoman? Should not need some kind of telexu dune level mind shaper Sitting behind her and if you do have a mind shaper or whatever you call them. I'm sure there's a cool CIA name for them

Wouldn't you want them to sit off camera off camera? There's more examples of this keep scrolling down There was one with Biden oh Yeah, that's a that's a really fuck what fucked up one. Can I see guys account? Guys here. Yeah, check mark become the the ungovernable blue lives murder oh this guy's full do not be deceived be deceived man oh this is these this is probably guy who like goes into police stations with the camera uh-huh and like films them and then sue oh it's so funny when you actually look at their accounts once in a while I'm like oh you're not just like a jerk you're like full on, but I like the videos I get sent from people

I like him between one. Oh, like there's a new this guy What the fuck I mean that is My god dude look it's one That it's either he's an alien or he's in the k-hole He just did okay. This whole video is in someone's K-hole. This whole dimension could be. Let's go back one and see.

How are we doing on time, Josh? 56 minutes. Okay, cool. We'll wrap it up in a second. I know you got to catch a flight. I realized I didn't text O'Neil to bring joints to Salt Lake. Oh, shoot. So that's why I had to do that.

I was like, fuck, you're going to the airport right now. I'm going to take the state to get it. Wait, wait, we never got back the airport right now. I'm going to take the state to get it. Wait, wait, we never got back to unbar. Rebar. So the anger of enforcing laws with Dunning and Kruger effect. Oh, Dunning and Kruger effect is kind of a sidebar. So basically, the idea is. This episode of the DTFH has been supported by BetterHelp.

It's 2025, my loves. And what do you want this year to be like? What kind of movie do you want to star in this year? You want to be in The Shining or a rom-com? You want to be in some dark, existential, philosophical, nihilistic, boring-ass, too-long director's cut of a movie that no one ever saw, or maybe you like to be in a happier film.

The point is, you can actually decide which part you want to play. You can decide which movie you want to star in. And a great way to start figuring out how to do that is therapy. Okay, they give me cues. I have to ad lib on cues. Here's the truth. After I got ball cancer and my mom and dad died, I was a wreck.

And like the worst kind of wreck initially, because even though I knew I was like spun I Didn't understand just how much I still live by the idea that if you sweep things under the rug Sometimes they go away or maybe you move out and no one looks under the rug and then they have to deal with all the weird chicken bones and cat turds you pushed under there. But this doesn't work with the psyche. And of all the things that I have found great results in from meditation to psychedelics, therapy is right up there with them.

In fact, it goes together like peanut butter and jelly. It is not coming for better help to try psychedelics or meditation. That's for me. But therapy, wow. It's incredible. And what's awesome about Better Help is that you can do it all entirely from home. And that is great because it's interesting, you know, like with the gym and therapy, you just try to find an excuse to not do it and BetterHelp really removes a lot of those ways you could trick yourself into not taking care of yourself. With BetterHelp you access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. You can easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost.

Write your movie with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Duncan to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Duncan. Thank you People like your friend. Okay. Who's my friend? The butthurt friend who like came to Texas and thought it'd be LA and then like at his bar the They're operating under This idea which I think you could argue is

Noble. Mm-hmm. I think a certain way they want the world to be better But they haven't questioned whether or not their conceptualization of better is actually better. And so, which is still, you know, even if you're confused, at least you're trying to do some benevolent thing, I guess. Like at some level, they're still in it at a basic humanist impulse to help. But if you really wanted to help the world, you would think that prior to engaging in the activity you would analyze strategy What do I do here? What happens if the way I'm helping? not only Turns people off makes them shut down around me, but also

Paradoxically ends up hurting hurting my cause the people I was trying to help paradoxically ends up hurting the people I was trying to help. Because now everyone's just pissed off and no one wants to hear my fucking sanctimonious bullshit anymore. Ever. So then it's like, now even when I have one or someone has one, they're less likely to hear that person. Right. Who's doing it nicely, like, you're on that side with that lunatic. Like, I guess I am on the side of the lunatic, but I don't have the same tactics as them. You're gonna lump me in? That's it. And I'll tell you man, this is like this is the where it's I remember on the left God help you if you issued an apology because they would fucking fall on you. That was it, dude

That was like putting your fucking walking stick right in the horn. It's nice. God help you if you apologize They'd be like you they would just devour your ass, right? God help you if you had some view that they looked at as fascist right-wing Nazi and actually analyzed it and said, you know what? I don't know if that was a hundred percent right. Oh, you dumb fuck. Of course you didn't know it was fucking right because your brain has made a fucking mashed potatoes You dumb shit. You ever read? Now, on the right, they're doing the exact same thing.

You've got people who are snapping out of whatever the fucking thing, the hypnosis, the years of fucking state-run propaganda, who are like, or feel comfortable. They go, the left just made promises and never did anything. And I'm like, how's that swamp? Still not drained? Right. What are you talking about?

They're all doing it. Dude. They're all garbage, and you're acting like one side is not a liar. You have to. Start looking at your own too. Or just. When are these comics who all went conservative

gonna now go, because they're like, they're challenging power, like let's let's attack the left because that's the powerful one So now the rights in power how long they let him take their victory lap for a couple months Yeah, how long so they go let's attack the guy in charge the guy who's making the loss the right? It's a lot at the rights in charge now. They're the powerful ones. Let's shift and do them It's a real mess you get into in that situation. I'd like to see it I like to see what happens. It's a it's a bit of a mess And but also I think like the good news about being a fool. Yeah, is it's like yeah, you're I'm dumb. I was wrong What do you know? I fall for this exact same trick. How long have I been alive?

How many presidential elections that there been again every time I fucking fall for it and and I never It's never occurred to me yet that Focusing my entire brain on the state is The thing that keeps it going I Don't mean in some manifestation way. I mean literally the whole goddamn system depends on the majority of people To it when I don't vote first was apathy And then it was math wait what are you? Can you play what I don't vote I don't vote

And people go what well then what are you doing? You're not gonna help him like you're not also helping you you're voting in a state That's already decided Even if it's a swing state one vote Mathematically ain't gonna change anything and that one state even if yours your vote came down to change, Pennsylvania Wouldn't have changed anything from the last election. All right So so you do have people like then how is not voting helping you know hitler lost by one vote Oh, really he lost he won by one vote I mean won by one vote I

Stayed home that day shut the fuck it and even if you don't so they when you don't vote because you're like These guys are all trick then you eventually you get disillusioned with all of it Then you form a new system if you don't like the Oscars or Oscar so white or whatever We'll just get a fucking new award show. They don't run it. They only run it because you want them to run it. Yeah man. I mean, like, I think there's some- Also, it's my whole special job right now is to ignore all that stuff. Say that again? My whole special is all about that. Ignore all that. Focus on positivity. Ignore all

that. All this negative stuff you're focusing on, you're not going to help it. Now you're just mind is swamped in this negative shit That doesn't help. You're just feeling bad Okay, but it's watching car wreck videos all day, dude All right, it gets even more intense than that. It gets even more intense than I'm taking the next level All right, are you're on the trail you're getting there. You've been red pill. I see that you're waking up You're part of the great awakening, but you have to understand We have begun to understand that is We have begun to understand that is microtubules within the neurons of the human brain and quantum vacuum that collapses from a superposition into whatever you happen to be focusing on, meaning that groups of people and focused on the exact same phenomena

crystallize and concretize that. Schrödinger's cat! Is it dead? Is it alive? It depends on what the news says. If the news says the cat's alive, the cat's alive. If the news says the cat's dead, it's dead. Don't you understand? All of mainstream legacy media has divided the human attention span, which is the outflow source of the creative mind of God, and directs it into catastrophe and horror so that they can feed on our loose energy.

into catastrophe and horror so that they can feed on our loose energy. Can I tell you my new character? Yeah. You know who Russell Simmons is? Yeah. Okay. It's Trussell Simmons. Y'all, man. That's pretty racist, but y'all, man, infinity is really in our minds.

Well, he sounds... Trussell Simmons sounds like a wonderful person, and I would like to have him on my podcast. I like Trussell Simmons. He's great. I love that character. Okay. I just thought of it yesterday.

Someone's saying, Russell Simmons. It's great. I can build on it for a while. I'm honored. You can take it, too. You can take your Trussell Simmons to the public camera. No, like build on it for a while. I'm honored you can take it to Salus dude

Wait, so we're good. So I'm saying is the the problem is That we're getting funneled into certain reality tunnels by a priest class that wears suits and talks in a hypnotic, repetitive way that keeps... And we all mimic them. And we... and because like... And they tell us to fight and we fight. Yeah, that's it.

That's the way to handle it. Stop them. What did they say? Resist them at all turns. Fight them at everything they do. Who said that? I think like Alexandra Cortaz Cortazio. Did she really say that? Yeah, right?

Yeah, something like that. Something along those lines. And it's like, okay, but what if they're trying to like repay the streets in your neighborhood? Yeah. If they're doing some stuff that they do that, you have to have some stuff they're doing that you like, right, like they're still funneling money to schools.

I think the first step is you just have to find a way to pull the Demiurge's cock out of your mouth. Stop like, filleting the zeitgeist, which isn't even real anymore. I mean, that's the whole fucking feeling of nausea in the culture right now is because of all these alternative forms of media. The spell is being broken or at least diffused. So now there's all these other reality tunnels springing up that people are getting channeled into and it just dilutes all of them

and it forces you to recognize that realities, we understand it, is a lie told to us by the Anunnaki. Yeah. It may, yeah. But they really believe that. It's like the ones who bomb an abortion clinic because they're like, that's a human life. You're killing a baby.

And it's like, oh yeah, you should bomb it. Or the guy who went in Pizzagate with a gun. It's like, you have hostage children. If what's in his head is true, he's doing the right thing. Right. And if they think the current president or the about to be president is literally Hitler, then yeah, you can't perform jokes at his rally.

Right. But he's like, but no, is it misunderstood jokes? Like you're trying to get Hitler back in office. So then it's like, oh right, if you really think they're all literal, what you think is fascists instead of like figurative, and then they caught up to what that is so sad Yeah, you you upped it to fascism, and then you're like well. I know what fashion. It's like you are Hitler You're all a Nazi. I'm a Nazi 20 times over and so then it's like oh

Well, then yeah, I guess you have to like yeah punch me Yeah, but it's like you're punching me over fucking Star Wars It's like you fucking like Darth Vader BAM Darth Vader is evil Yeah, and so if you really want to see the reality of it watch any of these people Prior to the election. Yeah, they're up there. This person is the devil incarnate I saw his hands They've got pentagrams on it and then as soon as the elections over look at like Obama and Trump laughing it up Because that's who they really are and they really have a few social issues

But they both want the same thing for the United States of America to have dominance and to and to have plenty for their people That's what they really want both of them. So like how do like, how do we get that? I'm pulling out of that court. What are you doing? Access to adrenochrome? That's the social stuff. I think it should be mandatory. I think we should steal it. No, we gotta take it.

We gotta make them agree to it. Well, we can genetically engineer it. We can synthesize it. We don't need to extract it like that anymore. Oh, listen to you. Oh, really? You want synthetic fucking adrenochrome? That shit gives me gas.

All right, thanks for coming on the show, man. Yeah, buddy. Oh really you want synthetic fucking adrenochrome that shit gives me gas What show are you doing next I'm leaving I'm going to meet O'Neill for skiing nice my new specials out America sweetheart Hell yeah, you are that I think you're in the credits. Yay Why? It was just focusing on positivity. Thank you. I have these shirts available. Oh, those are cool. But it's just all about that.

So the credits, I just listed a bunch of things that I should focus on that make me happy. Nice. Musicians, and I'm like, here's some comedians that are funny that you should know about. Thank you, Ari. Yeah. Well, you are America's sweetheart. But now if I'm like, oh wait, was that the first first draft I bet I hope it didn't take you out of it Cuz the first one was like 600 long. I'm like they'll just

Throw it a short in it. God. I hope you're there now. That's a good way to get your friend to watch your fucking special All over the place Atlanta all over the place Wait, where are you going? Wait. All over the place. Atlanta, all over the place. Wherever you are. AriSchauffeur.com, Atlanta Nashville, Portland, Chateau de Zay, San Antonio, Calgary, Edmonton, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Atlanta, Denver, Tampa,

Brea, and so forth. Tell me about your podcast. What's the name of it? UB Trippin. Start with the Dunkin's episode's episode yeah watch that one and if you want to do something hilarious that Ari thinks is funny Any sponsor that pops up on his show use offer code Duncan 99% of the time It'll work for me It's true. It's an overlap. That's a good sabotage. You just see it like the fucking LA River. Sorry, Colorado It should have been so thirsty. Thanks Ari. I love you. Love you