Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 684: Solooooooooooooooo

Episode Date: April 25, 2025

Soul Greetings, fellow quantum beings! May your scrotes throb in anticipation and never in trepidation. It's time to deal with our lack of certifications in our expertises. Greenville family! Duncan is coming to The Comedy Zone in Greenville, SC, May 9 & 10! Click here to get your tickets now.

Well, well, well, well, Lord, you, my beautiful, beautiful friends, I'm so happy to see you. I'm sorry I'm late. You're going to find out why I'm late in a second. But first, let me just give you a deep soul greeting. By that I mean from the eternal quantum state that is underneath all of my karmic chakric systems, down below the muck and the many astral taints that wrap around the throbbing scrote of my soul. Quote W.B. Yeats, I want to say I love you and I'm so glad that you're here. It's a wonderful thing that we for a little while still have access to this technology. It's a wonderful thing that the monolithic power structures that exist out there and

would very much like us not to be chatting with each other have yet to devise a way to truly pull this incredible tool from our hands. I'm sure the gods wanted to yank fire from humans when Prometheus made his fatal error, one of the greatestirs of all time. And I have no doubt that somebody told Jesus to shut the fuck up many, many times in his early 30s, whenever he disappeared. But friends, we will not be stopped. If you were here with us last week, you know what happened We were shut down

We got we got slap shutted Code red they took us out Josh was talking about how Noah's Ark was a actually an ancient corporation from an ancient civilization was actually an ancient corporation from an ancient civilization, which I accept. I think that's fairly accepted now. After the pandemic, we all know that. But within moments, like cutting the head off a snake, like stepping on a feeding tube, running into the stomach of a saint in some hospital by a church. Those invisible, we don't know who they are, I have my guesses,

an invisible cabal of unknown elites, probably coastal elites, pressed the cancel button on the DTFH. Well, we looked into it. We wanted to see what had happened. We checked all our tubing systems. We had a full examination of Comedy Frequencies podcast studio, including a scan for any kind of nanobots

in the walls. I actually confronted one of my many gang stalkers and that's where I found out what had happened. It wasn't so much that Josh was talking about Noah's Ark as an ancient corporation. It was that neither of us are certified experts. And I got on a long phone conversation with somebody from the deep state about it.

You know, of course I was like fiery in the beginning of the conversation. I said to him, you know, I really don't think that podcasters present any kind of real danger to you or that this, whatever the fuck it is you guys are freaked out about is, it's really a danger in the world. I said to him, look, you know, I think it's a little condescending to imagine that Americans Global citizens, whoever the fuck is watching any given podcast aren't smart enough to recognize that

We might not know exactly what we're talking about and This tone came on the phone. It's really weird. Sounded like birds flying out of cathedrals. Sounded like bells. Sounded like the ocean. Sounded like the end of things, the beginning of things, the unfolding of a flower, the first flap of a monarch butterfly's wings as it pumped blood into its wings.

It sounded like, it sounded like a crinkle, crinkle of time space or Chris crinkle, Chris Kringle. It sounded like my friend Chris Kringle, who I went to high school with and was mauled by a black bear. You can look it up. It sounded like when he got mauled by a black bear. And that sound haunts me to this day. And this is probably a different podcast altogether.

Talked about it many times before, but truth or dare? Truth or dare? I'm not sure that should be a nationally celebrated game because he dared me to suck his dick. And I did. And then, you know, we're up in the woods and I felt weird about that because like there was money on the line

and a black bear just lumbered by. And I said, I dare you to go suck that bear's dick. And yeah, you know, the rest is history. And you would think the bear wouldn't attack somebody who was trying to bring it such, you know, just make it feel good, but they don't see it like that. The bear looked scared and confused and then just attacked, it was horrible.

But it was a mother bear, that was the other thing, is because when he got under the bear, he's like, there's no dick here. That was his last words. Now, to get back to the point, after this conversation, I realized that the critique that I have seen online of myself and many other podcasters is a good critique. Most of us are not experts. Most of us have not been certified in many of the things, the fields that we like to talk about.

I love to talk about physics and I'm not a certified physicist. I love to talk about and I'm not a certified physicist. I love to talk about politics, geopolitics, history, technology, I love to talk about math stuff. I love to talk about AI, I love to talk about Buddhism and religion and mysticism. And I love to just sort of try to wrap my mind around some of the many confusing issues that we all are confronting on a daily basis

in this beautiful, beautiful planet, our mother, on the planet, I should say. Some of us are in it though. Yeah, I do believe in deep underground military bunkers. That's beside the point. The point is, first, an apology. For anything I said in any episode of my podcast that I did not have certification to talk about.

I am sorry. I know that people, when they tune into a podcast on YouTube, they're going there because they want real information. They're going there because they're seeking to understand. And after talking to this guy from the deep state, he said, like a lot of y'all, they just think you guys are dumbasses.

And he's like, they're just so dumb and they just go on YouTube. They're just, he did a terrible imitation of all of you. It's like they're, I don't know. I mean, I didn't see him. That's what he sounded like. And uh, so yeah, I know that's you guys though. Yeah, you could like Pick up a book or go to a library or whatever. There's so many like data sources out there I know that probably the primary mechanism of Hold on. I'm gonna make sure I'm reading this shit, right? Like they told me to The primary mechanism with which people are gathering data right now is from YouTube videos,

specifically YouTube videos where dudes ramble about current events. Because of this, it is very important that we do everything in our power to not spread misinformation. The spreading of misinformation is one of the most dangerous things threatening our country right now. Because of misinformation, people are making decisions that could lead to actual harm for them or their loved ones.

And spreaders of misinformation could also experience negative impacts based on their decisions, including unknown impacts that many of us don't have any control over. And those who do spread misinformation, if they would like the protection of the deep state, should read this apology. And if they read this apology on their podcast in a sincere way, we can guarantee that their podcast will not be canceled and that we will not do anything to them or their loved ones. Oh shit.

Delete the last, Josh, delete the last four. I went, I was not supposed to read that part. We're live though. Guys, just delete. If you guys just recorded this or anything, please delete that last, I don't know how many lines there were, just the thing that seemed like a thread. I wasn't supposed to read that.

So all that being said, friends, I spent this weekend with Josh getting certified as an expert. And I wanna show you something I'm very proud of, but first I'm gonna present this to Josh. You will have to fucking certificate at the seminar, dude. Thank you. You got, well, it was wonderful being there with you, man. It was a lot easier than I expected.

Not cheap though, not cheap. Check it out, friends. Look at this. Oh wow. Yeah, isn't it beautiful? I am now a certified expert. Show them yours Josh, you can take the hoodie off now. Yeah, no I thought I had to.

Cause they took comedy frequency down off YouTube. I know, you can, it's back up and everything. I just, you sent them a picture of that. Isn't that cool? Thank you. Josh is now an expert. I am an expert. Let me see here.

I'm an expert in physics, computing, history, art, geopolitics, philosophy, et cetera. The seminar we went to, they ran out of room on the certificate, they would have put more stuff. But yeah, so et cetera just pretty much means everything. But this is a really intense seminar. And like, I totally understand now why it's important that only experts talk about stuff.

And that's where I wanna talk to you about something coming up from the DTFH. I am so excited to announce this that I am shaking. The DTFH is about to start its own online university. Now what that means is that if you're out there and you want to be part of the war against misinformation, if you're out there and you want to be on the right side of history and you don't want to say something without being certified to say it. In other words, if you're a good person, but maybe you don't have the hundred thousand

dollars a year or however much it costs to go to one of the big certification universities. Well, guess what? I am creating a safe space for all of you wisdom seekers out there who also would like certification minus massive debt. Because right now a lot of the big certification areas, universities, as it turns out, because I did a big analysis on this, the paper that they print the certificates on is insanely expensive. Everybody thinks it's the classes, and why wouldn't the classes be expensive?

Why wouldn't you pay $100,000 a year to hear a guy talk about medieval art? I mean, it does make sense, but as it turns out, those people, the certified experts who are part of the certification program of the certification facilities, like if you look at the money the certification utilities make

versus what the certifying, they call them certifiers, professional certifiers or professors. That's what professor stands for, professional certifiers. They don't, weirdly, they don't get like the cut you would expect even though they're the ones that are sort of what I thought was the reason people go to the certification areas. But as it turns out, it's the paper. It's some kind of micro-scanned spider filament from this very rare and very poisonous spider. This shit is insane. You know, they get silkworms from caterpillars?

Or no, they get silk from silkworm, they get silkworms from, oh God, those fucking riffs in the Amazon, those weird wormhole things they have to pluck them out. These spiders are fucking deadly. They come from Australia. You've all seen the video where someone like smashes the spider eggs and spiders go everywhere. These fucking spiders lay one egg every five fucking years,

which is one of the theories of why they're so incredibly poisonous. They are so poisonous that they don't even have to bite you apparently. Like they have a glare to them. And apparently even looking at a picture of them can poison you, can kill you instantly, which is why you haven't heard about this

or seen a picture of these spiders. They keep them in hermetically sealed chambers underneath all certification areas and wait for them to spin a web, which takes these spiders a year to complete one web. And it is from this web that they create the paper that goes into the diploma. And that is why.

So if you're somebody who's like overburdened by student debt right now, you're kind of looking at your prospects and you're like, wait a minute, I'm like $150,000 in debt. I know I can only get this thing deferred like maybe a couple more years and the entire like landscape of industry has changed and seems to be heading directly towards none of us having jobs, meaning like, shouldn't, like, if these places that were charging me so much money to get these certifications, if they were really experts, wouldn't they

have sort of identified that what I was paying for might not serve any real purpose in a few years? But no one could have predicted AI. No one could have predicted full automation, not 10 years ago, 15 years ago. No one had any inkling, no sense that in late stage capitalism there'd be like incredible market pressure to create some kind of automated system that eliminates human labor. Nobody ever said that or thought of it or predicted it. And so that's why I'm sure they would have happened.

And I'm sure now people who are enrolling in colleges, I'm sure now are probably told right out the gate, like, listen, if you kind of look at where things are going, it's going to be full automation. You might want to go into a trade school or something like that, because any sort of information based job is going to be irrelevant within five or six years. I guarantee they say that when they're recruiting kids and stuff.

Like if you want to come and just learn, like classic humanist reason for learning. If you want to come with no profit motive, if you're comfortable getting hundreds of thousand dollars in debt to go to what is essentially an intellectual country club. I mean, you're gonna fuck. You're gonna get high. You're gonna have like, definitely gonna fuck some, fuck a lot probably. You're gonna like suck on some Birkenstock clad feet

and it's gonna feel good. But will it be useful in the world? No, probably not. And I do, I would, I don't know if that's happening, but anyway, I wanted to find a way to kind of jump around the whole destroy your life with debt for a piece of paper thing. Which by the way, I'm not bashing any of these people

because these fucking spiders, like apparently like 20 to 30 people at the Ivy League schools, especially die each year working with these spiders and like and they can't they don't talk about it, they don't you know, but These fucking diplomas they're getting When you get that diploma my god, it must feel like they say if you when you touch the diploma You know, it's almost worth it. They say when you touch that, these are just regular paper. Oh.

Sorry, man. I mean, that's all I'm trying to get at here. By removing, having to harvest spiderwebs from a deadly arachnid, and just using paper from Office Depot, And just using paper from Office Depot, I have eliminated 99.9% of the expense that universities are putting out there to get this certificate. So when you go to my online university, we'll make more announcements soon. You're not going to have to take a bunch of classes.

It's going to be one five minute YouTube video. It's going to be the honor system. I'm going to trust that you watch the video. And then for a mirror, $500. Now I know that sounds insane. It does seem expensive like t-shirts are 30 bucks. Most merches isn't that much. But when you look at it, what's the average cost of attending college, Josh? Can you pull that up?

Public is about $15,000. $15,000 a year? A year. Okay. And then what about like, you know, private school? Private can go up to $60. You know private can grab a 60 35 to 51 oh Now if you're gonna be you know, you're not you're gonna be in there for four years. That's that's potentially $200,000 for a private university. What was the public schools? If you can even get in by the way.

Yeah, I still have $58,000 to derive. Great school. Now, 11,044K. That's if you live in the state. If you live in the states, that's 44K. So when you consider that you could just skip all that bullshit, you're gonna get access, you're gonna get a link to a private YouTube video. It's very intimate. It'll just be you and

me hanging out. And I'm going to give you my lecture on everything. I have condensed it to five minutes. It was 10 minutes, but I cut it in half thanks to AI. It's fucking cool, cut out the fat. And upon graduating, which will happen when you finish the video, and again, this is the honor system, I'm trusting that you care enough about learning that you're gonna watch my clip.

You're gonna just fill out a brief form and you will receive a certificate of expertise with a blue ribbon. And you only get these if you do, you don't get this, blue ribbon is first place. So that's real. Are there higher tiers? Like you don't get this like blue ribbon is first place so That's real Are there higher tiers like let's say you want to get a higher certification or is that the highest certification? Okay, that's bachelor

I mean, that's the entry level certification. This is gonna make you an expert on pretty much everything but some people They're not happy with just being certified as an expert. They wanna become certified certifiers. This is where it gets really good. For another $150, you can watch my video on how to certify experts.

You can only do this when you get your expert certification. If you don't have this shit and you're trying to certify experts, then you're a fraud, a charlatan, and you're part of what's wrong with this world. Once you get my $150 certificate, you can watch one more, again, it's honor system, shorter video. This one's two minutes. Basically, it's like how to print stuff at Office Max. It's important.

Yeah, and then you will be able to start your own university. And this could be a, potentially a career for you. This is a career path, meaning that for a total of $300, basically like 1% of what you would pay to go to any of these other certification areas, you can not only become an expert with proof, again, let me just point this out. That is a blue ribbon.

That's a real blue ribbon. Show them your blue ribbon so they kind of see the value here. Mine's in Bitcoin and breastfeeding. Yeah. And those are important topics that people are like really interested in right now. And breastfeeding is like, you know, babies, one of the things that really bothered me is like babies haven't been certified.

And this is down the road. But I do want to create like a certification program for infants so that they can, once they breastfeed or what, you know, whatever it is, we'll come up with it. But I don't like the idea of uncertified babies. Yeah, instead of, because they might lose that paper, maybe a stamp or a branding. That way they know that they're certified. Yeah, and you know, that's that branding baby skin is actually apparently like a lot easier. You don't have to use as much heat. No.

Now, and that's my, you know, I just want to save for you. I don't want to, I don't like, because, you know, we all know that the consumer carries the cost. But also we do, I mean, they did figure one thing out, which is really important, which is the birth certificate. And I applaud whoever came up with that. Because, you know, just think about this, there was a time. one thing out which is really important, which is the birth certificate, and I applaud whoever came up with that. Because just think about this, there was a time,

honestly I've shuddered to think about this, but there was a time on this planet where the baby would come into the world and would not receive certification. Did you know that? No birth certificate, no fucking birth certificate. Think of that. Think of what that felt like for Christopher Columbus,

who was certified at birth, to stumble upon, God knows how many people, and probably when he saw them, he's like, can I see the birth certificates for some of these kids? And they're like, what are you fucking talking about? He's like, the certificate to show that these are official babies and nothing, had nothing. I, you know, you read his journals

and he apparently went back on the ship and just wept for days. Like he couldn't believe it. Mind blown, mind scrambled. How do you even feel like a person without the nine digits tied to your name? The social security number. Well, I'll tell you what you feel like, insecure.

That's why it's called social security. I didn't even think of that. Yeah, yeah. I can't even imagine what that would feel like to be walking around the world without that beautiful number that I feel so lucky to have. And I feel so lucky to be a certified baby. And now I am a certified expert on physics,

computing history, art, geopolitics, philosophy, et cetera. The et cetera means everything. And my guess is there's gonna be a waiting list for this once people catch on. People on the chat already wanna know how to get certified. See, this is what I love about y'all. I look out at the world and I just, I see the product of that level of curiosity.

I see that, I have goosebumps right now. That thing in you that right now I'm sure you're feeling it in the same way. Birds fly south for the winter, north for the summer. The way the baby turtle upon hatching knows to go to the sea. The way that, like my wife can find a target without GPS, even not knowing the area. That's crazy, mine does that too. Yeah.

That's your soul. That's what makes the compass point to north. That's what makes Santa Claus know where the chimneys are. That is your soul. And just, you know, I'm going to, we're going to reveal it right now. Like I, there's obviously a lot of, like, I've gotta get the website up. So there's some work involved, one pager. But just, that feeling that you have right now is the reason we have electricity.

That feeling you have right now is the reason that there's probably a plane flying above you right now. That feeling that you have right now is the reason some of the most beautiful women on our planet went up into space, brave, courageous space ladies. Because that's the feeling of civilization. And also I don't, I mean right now for those of you who aren't certified, you're probably starting to feel the same thing Adam and Eve felt when they ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. They knew they were naked. Adam, he looked down and was like, what the fuck? Everyone can see my dick.

He didn't know what shrinkage was, and then now with evil, he understood. Exactly, because he had just sort of like, he just, I don't know, he probably just didn't notice his cock or something, and then suddenly just there it is for the first time, Bush too, you know, they had to have a hairy Bush. They didn't shave their pubes in the Garden of Eden.

Do you think they didn't do that? No. Why? Why would you do that? That's after you eat the fruit. That's probably the first thing they fucking did after they ate that fruit and got kicked out. Yeah, that's how God found out.

You had a landing strip on top. He's like, what the fuck is that? I had to, I don't want some fucking nasty old oily rat's nest down there. So she shaved it. And there's a real sense of like not good nakedness in not being certified. Cause now, I didn't even know that.

But now that I have this beautiful certificate, I just, I can't explain it. It's like, you know, a lot of people who have tried heroin or fentanyl, they say, it was like I was laying in the cold my whole life and someone wrapped a warm blanket around me. And I think that's a pretty good description of getting a certificate. Like, I just feel like I matter. I feel like I mean something.

I feel like I can talk now. And what's even better, well, I mean, look, anybody out there wanna make a statement? Will an uncertified person say anything? Rick says, can you blue ribbon certify us in the most important art, the art of making love? Absolutely, Rick. That, Rick, a romantic is here, uncertified romantic, but, which is dangerous. But yeah, Rick, you know, there's a place for everybody at my university. And I do think romance, like uncertified romantics

are pretty much the most dangerous thing out there. Fucking freaks me out. Think one day someone's certified romantic might wanna go to the prom with my daughter. I don't wanna think about it, but yeah, that's the et cetera in this. The et cetera means romance, whatever. Anybody want to say a fact who isn't certified?

Is there anyone saying any facts? I want to show you the power of this. Oh, some person says certs give you the reason of grandeur. Thank you. Okay, watch this. Schlitz. Oh, freak says, sir, can you enlarge that? Don't you have that ability? Let's let me just show you guys what you do with the certificate. Look at this. Watch this. We used to be able to do that. Maybe they took it away from us. It doesn't matter. You guys can find it in the chat. Schlitzow freak says,

yeah, and I'm calling you out, Schlitzow freak. And you're self-ban for two minutes. Do not type anything for two minutes. Self-ban. Schlitzow freak is not certified. But Schlitzel freak is not certified But a schlitzel freak read it and weep bitch Look at that So no matter what the fuck you're saying. It doesn't mean anything Where's your where's your certification man? You don't have it So it doesn't mean anything No matter what you say. it doesn't mean anything!

Oh, oh, you poor uncertified fool. Ha! You could do that with anybody. Take this to your family dinners. Take this to your family dinners. Guaranteed somebody is not certified. And maybe they do have a certificate from one of the bigger certification universities. It's not going to have an ETC in it. It's not going to have an etc. So yeah, they might be certified as like this or that. Some kind of like specialist, but they're not going to, it's not going to encompass the totality of all information. And so that's a big STFU motherfucker. You can bring this, we might get wallet size certificates eventually,

we're gonna start with this, see how much money we can raise. I'm working to see if we can get some federal grants to help fund the university. But there's a lot of programs out there. The federal government will give you a lot of money to help spread positive information. So we will let you guys know on the next solo podcast

when that's gonna happen. I do wanna point out these certificates will come in a royal blue certificate holder to keep it safe. My recommendation to you would be to probably like photocopy it or something to make sure you have a backup. But yeah, this will be here too. And I am looking into other certificates,

like we might do our own birth certificates. If you have a baby and we don't wanna go through the state certifying your baby, if you send us a picture of your baby, we will certify that that is a baby. And that should work. You got a good question here. Did the first person get to certified themselves?

Okay, Dakini, I love the question, but can I ask you, do you have any kind of certification? Oh, that's true. It's an interesting question. I do, I really would like to know that Dakini, if you're certified. Because it's sort of like your question is infinitely less important to me if you can't produce some kind of proof

that you've been certified in some way. Cold fission. Thanks for the tips, y'all. This is great. I'm an animator and I'm planning on doing an Animated Basic on the Midnight Gospel. An Animatic based on the Midnight Gospel for its fifth anniversary.

Save that guy's data there, Josh. I don't know if you can do that. Cool, man, I wanna see it. See if we can reach out. I wanna see it. I wanna see what tech are you gonna be using for that? Thank you, Gary. Rum rum.

Bob Francis says he's a certified banger. Me too. I mean, I'm pretty much certified in all things now. Okay, here we go. Looks like we have, look at this, the Stenjitsu says, certification is institutionalized recognition Oh, what?

Curious if Duncan thinks recognition should be decentralized. Oh what or if only institutions can Did you just jump in here sting jitsu? Do I only think yes? Are you feeling what you think? Oh my okay. So here we go. This is why we got to get people certified friends this gentleman Is making the preposterous statement and this is preposterous And I've read it from other people too. And every time I read the first time I read it. I got physically ill I Read it in David Graeber's bullshit jobs and

You know, you know, I found that fucking book uh Airport bathroom and and you could tell like someone's like taking a shit and read it and was just like this. I can't I can't believe that i'm reading this and threw it like you just see the anger someone had thrown the Someone threw the book over the stall and yelled, this is, this is fucked. And I caught it at the urinal. It was like, it was like one of those lucky coincidences. And then I had a little time, went to the sky club. Yeah, I go there.

And I read it. Now, Graber said something, let's see if I can even remember. It's like trying to remember what, like it's trying to remember monkeys hooting at the zoo. Like, you know, going to the zoo and remember like what did they say? So he said something along the lines of this. He said, God, I just honestly, I'm feeling nauseous, even repeating it. But basically what he said repeating it but basically what he said is that because the federal government gives out loans to get certification from institutions this is like a kind of enslavement or some bullshit like that that like the federal government gets out loans you can get a certification to make money doing some task or another, but you're still in debt to the federal government, meaning that you've

basically become a vassal of the state just so you can have a job. And that any kind of system where the federal government is entangling itself around people so that they can make money. It's probably not the best system. Or let me see what other bullshit he said, some other nonsense about some liminal gray area between politicians and people who end up working for big universities or, you know, priming corporate. I'm so sick of this hippie shit.

Some bullshit about how, you know, you're not going to keep your job in the federal government that long if you're a politician. So probably the decisions you're going to be making are going to serve some one institution or the other. And basically meaning that there really isn't much of a separation between the federal government and the university system. They're somehow remotely somehow related or via funding or some shit like that. I don't remember. Honestly, I threw the book back in the bathroom.

I read that while I was walking out of the bathroom of the Sky Club and threw it, threw it, and then another dude caught it. And I hope he hated it too. So yeah, I hope that answers your question, what I think. What else do we got? Also, before the live started, they came up with a name, Duncanites.

They wanted to be called Duncanites. Duncanites, who's they? At least 15 people within the chat. Well, look, I don't wanna, now see, this is the problem, because now we got the Duncanites, and then this could create some kind of division within the community. Like, look, I don't want to, now, see, this is the problem because now we've got the Duncanites, and then this could create some kind of division within the community. Like, what happens if other people

want to be called other things? Then the Duncanites, we don't know what you represent, what are you guys gonna do compared to the other? I like Duncan's munchkins, Brooklyn. You know, and then what are the, the Duncanites sound militant. The Duncanites sound like they fuck shit up. I mean, I guess that could be sort of like the military branch of what we're creating here.

Now, Dakini, I don't want any of the other bullshit. You know what I mean? Like if someone calls you a cunt, you could be like, yeah, no shit. I'm certified. A trustler. Trustler. That, you know, I don't know, but that sounds like a job at a slaughterhouse. I don't know about that.

Somebody who like has to rip the balls off of pigs. That, you know, I don't know, but that sounds like a job at a slaughterhouse. I don't know about that. Somebody who like has to rip the balls off of pigs. Dunkineers? No, I don't mind. I like the Dunkineers. Listen, the main thing is this. You could, once you get certified from my university,

you can name yourself whatever you want. You'll be certified. You do have to deal with the fact that prior to receiving certification Pretty much anything you say is irrelevant in the face of certified people And I don't want to get political here That's not me But I'm gonna get a little political here and just say, I don't know if people without

some kind of certification, and I don't mean like ID, I mean like actual certification, some knowledge base should be allowed to vote. You know what I mean? Like they can vote, but not for like important things. In other words, we could have like votes for the president, votes for, you know, whatever. Federal government shit, state government shit. And then you all could vote on some bullshit like what should be the like in the new Happy Meal or I don't know, you know, fun stuff, but still, you know, not what the adults in the room.

And let me tell you guys, we need adults in the room right now. We need adults in the room because we have got a mess on our hands. And what has happened is that people who used to have to get certified to run a radio station, you know that? Yeah. You couldn't just sit in front of a microphone and fucking say shit.

You had to get, you had to get some kind of license and then you could say shit on the radio and people listened and if you said like four-letter you would get fines and that was a good time and then so now any fool can go stumbling out of that out of his fucking out of his bouncy house and just grab a microphone and just say whatever and it's causing war It's causing war Look what look at the world right now Look at what's happening all over the world right now friends You think that's happening because because of I don't know People in government no no no no no that's happening because doofuses are running amuck.

Uncertified people are having uncertified fucking opinions. Alright, let's move on. Get your certification More information. I'm sorry. I'm just I got really upset you're gonna get more information soon, but we've got a We're gonna be on top of it Let me just show another thing to this really important If you're if you have a plain journal What are you writing in there?

You need a floral journal This is the worst dude when you're like at the airport and you just want a fucking notebook to write in Because you need to get some thoughts down and like all they have is this shit and you have no choice but to buy whatever the codex like this this is a real like mess in the world right now because I don't know who the fuck feels like they need to write in something that you should find underneath urns in a cave.

Like please, please whoever's doing this, just give us the option of unlined, non-hardcover, like why do people in airport bookstores feel like, who do they think is walking through the airport? Benedictine monks? You think I need to transcribe a Bible? Here? I just wanted to write some notes down. But now, anytime I fucking pull this out, I look like just the biggest asshole on earth.

I don't think it's the book. I think it's the feather pen that you use when you're writing it. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. That's all about the pen. You gotta, if you wrote with a regular pen,

but you take out ink and then you dip it and it's like we're at the airport and listen Let me tell you man. You just made yourself look like a fool I'm certified. I am NOT a fool. I'm sorry. I'm fucking sir. I'm certified and you don't have an etc in yours so Yeah, no. Yeah, right with a feather pen. I wear silk slippers I have a lute. I carry a lute with me through the airport and I love to write my songs in haikus

in this fucking stupid notebook. But I do wanna show you guys something cool. Oh, I hope I didn't, oh yeah. My brother-in-law got me a really cool. I got I'll show you some gifts I got. Wife. Gucci glasses. Feel fancy as fuck. The hat was the last birthday over the next few years.

I'm going to have a whole thing. Now, look at this. Brother-in-law got me the coolest thing ever. I love Teradex, and I've got many, but this one is blowing my fucking mind. The Hexen 2.0 Tarot. Have y'all heard of this fucking thing? Amon Hillman.

I think I've heard of that doctor before. Thanks David. This, if y'all heard of this, oh my god. This shit is crazy. So look at this. And you know, I knew little bits and pieces of like what this is all based on, but I'll just read the back. I mean, I'm still figuring out what this shit is. I've been doing deep dives into all kinds of weird things because of this incredible The Hexen 2.0 Tarot features 78 alchemical drawings that depict the interconnected histories of the computer and the internet, cybernetics and the counterculture, science fiction and

scientific projections of the future, government and military research programs, social engineering and ideas of the control society. These are presented alongside diverse philosophical, literary, and political responses to the advance of technology, including the claims of anarcho-primitivism, techno-Gaianism, and trans-humanism. Through representing and reexamining these histories and subjects holistically within an alchemical framework the Hexen 2.0. Taro transports us to a hypnotic whatever but it is the art is beautiful, but this is this is crazy because not only you get in like a a tarot deck, but it is like pretty much a Synopsis

of like everything I love to talk about. Like here, look, check this one out. That's the magician. Maybe you can find it, Josh. If you look up Hexen, H-E-X-E-N, Tarot, magician card. Apparently this went out of print and my brother, they just put it back in print, my brother and I scooped it up for me. Suzanne Triester.

Oh yeah, click on that one, the Magician. Okay, check that out. So it's like modern figures. So Timothy Leary is the Magician,'ve got the Amanita mushroom above him. And then, you know, all of these breakdowns of his contributions. Psychologist, futurist, assistant professor at Berkeley, wrote exopsychology and understanding

of human consciousness as a cycle of originating and ending outer space psychedelic drugs virtual reality system cyberspace space migration intelligence increased life extension so like she's taken all of these popular counterculture figures along with like spooky shit like DARPA and stuff and then linked them to the tarot system. So it's a brilliant thing because like you know anytime I'm drawing a card because I'm not an alchemist, usually tarot cards have some kind of alchemical astrological significance. I don't know that shit. This sort of helps you like loosely zoom in

on the idea of the magician. I think, I don't know if Tim Leary would be my first pick for the magician, but it's still cool. Click on, let's find a really good one. Click on, oh yeah, the moon. It's right here. One more over. Transhumanism, bioethics, infoethics, nanoethics,

neuroethics, roboethics, technogionism, realism, neurotheology, cryonics, mind uploading, cloning, democratic transhumanism, techno-evolutionary control, post-genderism, futurology, cognitive enhancement, extraplanism, absolutism, biotechnologies, libertarian transhumanism. Like these breakdowns of all of these topics you've probably heard about, and then that's a rabbit hole because any one of these, like pull up, pull up Realism, R-A-E-L-I-S-M,

not realism, Realism. What the fuck is that? Like that? Yeah. Realism, also known as railingism, uh oh. I didn't show it. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! That is such bad luck.

Didn't show it. That is such a severe bad luck. You can't win for losing these days. Pull it, pull it, pull it back up though. We just won't show it. What the fuck? Like what are the odds? I pull a tarot card and the hated symbol,

now beloved by Kanye West just happens to be in the Wikipedia, and really? Realism teaches that an extraterrestrial species known as the Elohim created humanity using their advanced technology. An atheistic religion holds that the Elohim have historically been mistaken for gods. It claims that throughout history, the Elohim have created 40 Elohim human hybrids who have served as prophets, preparing humanity for news about their origins. Among them are the Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, and with Rael himself, the 40th and final prophet. It's crazy how like, you just can't let there be other prophets, can you?

You know what I mean? Like, you just gotta be like, no, this is it. Rael first published his claims to have been contacted by the Elohim in 1974. Scroll down a little bit. What's the philosophy? It's going down here. Wow, it's big.

Realism is among the largest UFO religions in existence. And in the mid-2000s, the scholar of religion Andreas Grunschlob, definitely certified, called it one of the most consolidated UFO groups internationally active today. In its belief, realism differs from many other UFO-based philosophies, with the scholar of religion, James R. Lewis, terming it the most thoroughly secular of all UFO religions. Cool.

Anyway, that's just like one little word on these cards. They lead to really cool, interesting rabbit holes, and the art is just beautiful. So, and I think you can still get them. Let's check out one more card, the devil. Oh yeah. See what the breakdown of the devil is here. What the devil card, death, that one, the pyramid.

The control society. The control society. The one hand, the exploration of the individual's ethical position within the collective activity of scientific modeling could point outside the instrumental logic of the world laboratory and beyond the notion of experimental epistemology toward an ecological understanding of the interdependency of living beings. On the other hand, it could lead to an infinite multiplication of clearly circumscribed and incommensurable world models open to manipulation by anyone with a superior understanding of the modeling process and its effects on the lives of those who engage in it. This would be the path

and its effects on the lives of those who engage in it. This would be the path that was massively taken by the entrepreneurial cultures of the new economy, giving rise to the highly sophisticated, productive devices of the control society in which most forms of artistic creativity are now caught and instrumentalized for financial, ideological, and military purposes. Ah, wow!

Whoa, what's wrong with that? Who's Brian Holmes? Ah, he sounds like a bitch. Oh, I don't want nothing to do with me. This is the pro, you know, you're gonna run into stuff you disagree with, but it's like what? You don't want art to be institutionalized and controlled by power structures?

I mean, like, what do you want? You want uncertified artists out there finger painting their bullshit, painting with their poop, out there making snow angels in confetti? No, I want my art certified. I want my artist certified. And also I want safe art. I want safe art. And I'm sure everyone here agrees with that. I don't want to go to an art museum and there's some uncertified piece of shit who's thrown something up there. It's like, I'm going to challenge everything you think about the world. Like, no, it took me a long time

to get completely calcified. When my pineal gland was uncalcified, I was having wet dreams every night. And that sounds great, but it's, you know, eventually you wanna wake up and you're not sticky with your own jizz. And, you know, it wasn't just that. I was actually projecting.

I would have these sudden moments of like intense feelings of connection with nature. So I would go, this actually happened to me on a hike. I was on a hike and like I had this terrible, it was just, I can't explain it. I saw a tree and I thought that's actually a living being that's like much older than me and its roots are deep in the earth

and I feel like it has its own kind of sentience. And then that thought led me to feeling like, my god, it feels like I should respect that being. Most people don't even look at it as that. I just see it as like a pre-table. That's what I used to call trees, pre-tables. And then I had this overwhelming sense of like compassion for trees. So wet dreams every night, compassion for trees. I was really into like bells and I love the sound of bells. I put a bird feeder in my yard because I thought why not help? I mean, why do we only just help people more than anything? And then the other stupid thing I did.

I don't know, I would just like freely do stuff for people. I didn't, you know what I mean? Like I wouldn't, I started not expecting things in return or stuff. And then, so I go to the doctor and I, you know, explain these symptoms and the doctor is like, dude, you're, you're, like, let me do a scan. They did a scan and my pineal gland was completely uncalcified. So just basically like walking around glass

in bare feet is how he described it. Like if your pineal gland isn't crusted over right now, you might as well just shove your cock in a blender. Yeah, I saw my doctor prescribe four diet cokes a day. Yeah, he started me on that. Yeah, so he's like look we're just gonna start you on diet cokes and I Though the wet dreams and the astral projection to go away, but I was still feeling this terrible

you know, I mean it was really bad because like It was getting hard for me to say like there's there's a clear-cut bad guy, good guy in the world. You know what I mean? I was starting to see that we live in a world of nuance and, you know, maybe like, maybe, you know, most people just want to be happy. I remember saying that to my wife, and she's like, most people just want to be happy. I'm saying that to my wife And she's like you gotta go back to the doctor. What do you what does that mean? What are you saying?

so I went back to the doctor and he prescribed fluoride pills to me and you know dissolvable fluoride pills, which I started putting in the Diet cokes and then now i'm fine diet cokes and then now I'm fine. Perk124 says, can you help me with astral projection? I love lucid dreaming. Thank you for everything that you do for us. Astral projection, that's a great question Perk.

Thank you for the donation. Do me a favor Josh, pull up Robert Monroe's Journey Out of the Body. And, you know, again, like, if you've already committed to calcifying your pineal gland, this probably is not going to work for you. And I feel so happy I don't do this shit anymore because it's getting, it's not fun. You know, that's a great place to start. Click on that, the Monroe Institute. That book was my first introduction to this shit. My mom had it. And so this guy

just starts, you know, experimenting with astral projection and comes up with a system to do that. Now, go to the store, click on the store. So like, the Monroe Institute's been around forever. I never, I never took any of these classes, so if you do this, don't get mad at me. Yeah, click on buy location. Let's play a sample. 36 minutes. Let me turn on the...

I have no idea what this is. It's just a tech... Oh, there we go. It's a soundtrack? There we go The soundtrack well they use binaural Music like the theory behind it is something to do with like creating different resonance or something Turn it off turn it off. I'm gonna come out of my body. They do

They create did you feel yourself come out of your body for a second? I felt my pineal. Tremble. Yeah, a little bit. Once you calcify your pineal gland, it's like, and you start fucking around with stuff like this, it does not feel good. The pineal gland has a erectile tissue in it, and this stuff gets hard.

So it's like having a chastity cage on your pineal gland, and then it starts, and then you're getting edged by this stuff and then it hurts gives you a headache, but this This book so my mom had a tape that was an astral projection self hypnotises tape and I'd been reading the book. I was interested in this stuff. I started listening to this tape every night before I went to bed. Like most things that I get in trouble with, I didn't really believe it. But you know, you want it to be true. And yeah, I

just woke up. I'll never I woke up, thought I heard people, I was skipping school, thought I heard people downstairs. And then I'm like my fan, my ceiling fan is in my face. And I thought I was having an acid flashback. It was terrifying. That's the main thing. When Monroe is describing, he does talk about this a little bit,

but it was awful. Like it did, all of like what I was hoping for, like, you know, the adventure of being able to sort of fly through walls or whatever was replaced by a eldritch presence in the room, a feeling of darkness, a feeling of ominousness, a feeling of invasion, and it scared the shit out of me. And then, you know, I looked down

and I can see myself sleeping, and then it wasn't like you could just you know swim or something it was completely alien and then it's like I went through my body and opened my eyes I was in bed and was like oh my god that was got those hypnosis tapes I guess they were and then I had a few more after that and most of the time they're fairly they're fairly unpleasant, but there are similarities in the precursor State and Monroe talks about this which is uh You get a weird vibration in your body you it's essentially like I think it's some some way of inducing sleep paralysis

Like if you've ever woken up and you can't move, that's a perfect condition to actually project in them, or lucid dream, maybe there's no difference, I don't know. But the techniques seem to all have something to do with like inducing sleep paralysis. Either by like, like the tape I was listening to is just, you know, relax relaxation. And I could never like listen to the tape and then like come out of my body. I would always fall asleep and they'd happen. But the other techniques I'm sure most of you have heard involve, you know, on your

phone every hour or every 30 minutes, super annoying, but I could see why this would work. Set an alarm for every 30 minutes while you're awake. And when the alarm goes off, look at it and look around and ask yourself if you're in a dream. You do this for enough days in a row, you're gonna have a sense of that alarm in a dream. And then you're gonna be like,

wait, what the fuck, I'm in a dream. Which I think if you can shift out of that without waking yourself all the way up You're gonna be in the perfect condition to actually project because you'll have sleep paralysis Which is what sleepwalkers don't have apparently. Did you know that? They don't remember any of it No sleepwalkers apparently whatever your brain squirts out to keep you from moving when you dream. They don't have that That's why they like get into trouble That's why they have to put themselves in sleeping bags and shit because their brain doesn't paralyze them. They still dream

get into trouble. That's why they have to put themselves in sleeping bags and shit because their brain doesn't paralyze them. They still dream but they're not paralyzed. And so this shit seems to be based around that. Now if you want to take it deeper my friends look up the Tibetan yoga of dreaming and sleep. I've had him on the podcast. This gentleman? Yeah. Now this turns the whole thing on its head. So this is sort of a way of not lucid dreaming. This is a way of falling asleep so that you don't dream and you meditate all night. And there's a way to do that. And also it's a way of looking like, you know, a system of asking yourself not, am I dreaming, so that you can wake up in a dream, but rather, what is the difference between this and dreaming? And the premise being it kind of is also a dream.

And so, so it's more about like lucid dreaming, but while you're in the long dream, which we call reality. And it's more about like lucid dreaming, but while you're in the long dream, which we call reality. And it's really good. But it definitely it's one of those books that gives you the same kind of feeling you get when you're reading like Terrence McKenna. You know, you get you feel like you're tripping because the way that he's inviting you to explore reality and maybe

start noticing how things are maybe a little more fluid and less solid than you would like to think is like most tantric teachers like he's really good at doing that and not because he wants to like freak you out, but he wants to help you feel a little less serious and trapped in your waking reality. You hear this all the time, which is like, you know, in a dream, it's the best thing. Like, have you ever had a dream where you like, I've had dreams where like I,

you know, I'm in a car accident and it's my fault. And then you're like, oh my god, oh my god, my life is ruined. And then you realize, wait, I'm gonna wake up. This is a dream. And then you open your eyes. Is it that feeling of relief when you realize you're dreaming? Well, the premise here is like there's a way of looking at this dream that we're in right now in the exact same way and enlightenment is like maybe or actualization or the end of suffering revolves around realizing this is also a dream and that not in some kind of philosophical intellectual way, but in like actually via certain exercises,

recognizing like, no, this is a dream too. And you don't have to be walking around. Like you just ran over a bunch of babies in front of a petting zoo. I did the alarm thing, but different way. In dreams I'd go, I'm Batman. And then I'd become Batman. I'm like I know I'm dreaming Are you joking? Is that no and I would say it all day like at least eight nine times a day

I just whispered myself. Are you fucking kidding? But then I don't turn into Batman. So I know I'm not dreaming Try it it works I mean, I don't want to get Batman nerd on you here, but I mean isn't idea Batman you could be Batman It doesn't like yeah, but in your dream you have the idea of Batman, you could be Batman, doesn't like... Yeah, but in your dream you have the muscles and the money. I don't have the muscles and the money here. Well, I don't think, aren't there, let's look up different versions of Batman.

I don't mean to be like this guy. I'm sorry I'm doing it though. Is Batman always ripped? Yeah. There isn't like a fat Batman? There's a old- Fatman? There's a old Batman, and he is actually way more built. He's bigger Here's a good picture of most of them so they don't do that they don't do the spider-man multiverse shit

It's always he's always fucking ripped. He's always a rich white dude Yeah, Batman is kind of like isn't Batman sort of fascistist? Like that's, that was my, like when you watch the Batman movies, like isn't it like... Yeah, after Clooney, he became fascist. But he was always kind of fascist. Yes. Cause he colludes with like the police, like he... Mm-hmm.

Ben Affleck was the most fascist out of all the Batman. He was the most fascist Batman. Mm-hmm. He wasleck was the most fascist out of all the Batman. He was the most fascist Batman. Mm-hmm. He was, they were all fucked up. They're all fucking serious rich, like embarrassing serious rich self-serious dudes. Clooney wasn't that serious. He had nipples on his costume.

So he was the one Batman with nipples. But there's no way you could be like the, you know, like it is like, he is kind of a, when you really look at it, Batman is an oligarch. Let's see what the chat's saying. I'm sure everybody agrees with me. Oh, apparently there are a few black Batmans. Did not know that.

You motherfucker. You're gonna get us taken off of here. Yep. Yeah, thank you, AuraBless, one person who agreed with me. Batman is fascist. Jamie Scott wants to call it Ben Aslic, not yourself banned for three minutes. Do not, please do not, no one else say anything

making fun of Ben Affleck's name. That is completely inappropriate. Self-ban, three minutes. Can't believe you'd say that. I mean, really? I gotta look that up if there was a black man. Never heard of that. There must have been.

Yeah, Stan Lee created the first black batman. Oscar-winning screenwriter John Ridley has hinted the Batman in his upcoming miniseries will be a person of color offering greater diversity in the DC Comics universe Long before Ridley's project was a reality over Marvel Comics writer Stanley actually created the first African-American Batman for DC Comics. Oh Man That is I can't wait for that Wow except this Batman was in prison Black Batman was in prison. Yeah

They're black spider was there a black Hulk Yeah, Tyrone Cash. Pull it up. Pull off the Wikipedia. Tyrone Cash? Actual name Leonard Williams. Ah, Leonard Williams was a professor at the University of Michigan. He was a professor at the University of Michigan. He was a professor at the University of Michigan. I'm not sure. Actual name, Leonard Williams. Ah, Leonard Williams was a professor at Cambridge University who worked with the young Bruce Banner to recreate the super soldier serum.

So, okay. So Leonard Williams, when he turns into fucking Hulk, his name is Tyrone Cash. Mm-hmm. Ha ha ha ha ha. Are you fucking, are you serious, man? That's what Wikipedia says. I mean, this was a long time ago.

This was 2010. Pull up, created by Mark Miller and Linnell Francis. You pull up Mark Millar. Pull up Mark Miller. Yep. Yeah you pull up mark Millar pull up mark Miller Yep, yeah, no, that's a surprise cuz I kind of thought he'd be a black dude go back Are you fucking kidding me dude, I can't believe they did that Goddamnit come on Like really a Cambridge dude when he turns it all you're gonna turn his name into Tyrone Cash It's a name you remember though, oh you got a super chat Jesus Christ, thank you so much

What are your thoughts on Buddhism and do you know about the yogis You mean like Miller rep or something like that, I'm not sure what you mean about the yogis? Um, you mean like Miller Reppa or something like that? I'm not sure what you mean about the yogis. A little bit. I love Buddhism. I mean, I have a million thoughts on Buddhism. Perk124. Thank you for the donation. I think it's a

it's an incredible uh oh, are we dead? I don't know. I'm about to find out right now. Reload. Close. Can the stream software preview? Still going. Did we go down? Can you see us?

No, it says no data right now. Why did it do that? Check your cord. Cord's in. It's taking off. Close. Reconnect. I think it's back.

Yeah, you're back. We're back. There we go. All right, can you guys see it? Sorry about that, y'all. Yeah. I mean, I could go on and on about Buddhism. I'm sure people here know that and would be like, please don't don't get him on a Buddhist rant

But I love it. I think it's incredible It's amazing I Mean it's Definitely something worth exploring anyone out there should look into it if you're even slightly interested. Wow, $20 one. Jesus, Jake, what are you doing here, man? Come on. The more aware in the dream I am, it causes a kind of reverb that breaks the dream into a wildly different experience. Do you have any experiences like this? I think I've ended up in genuinely endogenous psychedelic trips.

You know, I do think that, Terrence McKenna talks about this too, but after I smoked MEODMT, like a few weeks after that, I in a dream had the exact experience. Like there was some residual MEO DMT floating around or something, but in the dream it happened again. Like kind of like a DMT flashback in the dream. And the, you know, from what I've read, and I've read very little about shamans and stuff. They don't...

They get to the point where they can apparently induce those experiences minus the specific psychedelic. The psychedelic is just sort of a training wheels for like, this is one of the things your brain does, this is one of the things your brain does, and they can just do that minus the psychedelic. But, and you hear similar things about, you know, meditation, yoga, holotropic breathing.

One of my friends who is a psychonaut, like says his most powerful trip was from holotropic breathing. So, you know, there's definitely, if our brains can dream, you don't have to like take a hundred micrograms of dream powder before you go to bed. You just go to bed.

You close your eyes and breathe deeply and then all of a sudden you have these vivid hallucinations for six hours that you think are real. So if our brains can do that, theoretically, they do just about anything. Justin Kuller. Ah, Justin Kuller, oh my God. You should not, please, you gotta reverse the donation. I love that shirt so much. And I, it is the, can you pull up Justin Kuller, please? This shit is insane, y'all.

I watch your YouTube clips sometimes. Look at this. I Mean this is insane. Thanks for being here. I can't believe you're here this guy I Don't think that Not him that's not him Look up. No, look, you know what? Go back to the chat. Give us a social where we could show people your work Oh, yeah, go to channel It's right there Click on this one. Yeah, he makes the coolest shirts y'all

Roll it around. I don't know where it is. I think it's insta is what i've watched more than this though Oh my god, look at. How do you do that? How do you do that Hi Oh, yeah Thank you I wear this shirt all the time. And I, I, but you know, because of, because of that shirt, I actually, at one point, because I was just sort of thinking like, how the fuck do you do this with tie-dye?

And then I, you know, stumbled upon this, like you making stuff and it's the most insane. Where'd you learn to do that? It just seems impossible. I don't understand it at all. Like it just blows my mind that people are able to think. And it's like being able to think fifth dimensionally or something. Jacob says it's a lot of folding and dying, right? It just is like, it's the rubber band thing and the,

honestly, to be honest, everybody, I'm sorry, Justin, I don't mean to do this, but I do not know if you're certified. Ooh, you know, you do bring up something important. Yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes. Because I've been wearing this shirt shit uh justin color i don't mean to put you in a weird position here and it's it's fine if you're not certified but do you have uh have you been approved to do tie-dye are you certified i don't know if you saw the certification. I want to show them. Yeah. Were you here when we showed you our certifications?

Hold it up. See, I have a certificate of expertise. Are you certified, Justin Kohler? Kind of kind of getting some radio silence on that huh? Don't be ashamed it's okay a lot of people doing TIE DICE haven't been certified. It's only 500 bucks. Ah he is! Of course he's as TIE DICE on it! Of course! Yes! Of course is as tight eye on it. Of course

Yes Honestly, I almost had an anxiety attack cuz I've been wearing that shirt I wear it all the time My wife makes fun of me fucking hippie. What are you doing that thing on again? Gabriel wonder wants to know if someone can pay to become uncertified. Now this is a really good question. Now Gabriel, here's the reality. The answer is no. Once certified, you're eternally certified. There's no way out.

You will never be uncertified. You can burn the certificate. Certificate, god damn it. You could burn the certificate. Whatever you want to do, but it's marked on the flesh of God forever, to quote Abraham Lincoln. You will never get uncertified. So no. And please, self-ban for two minutes. marked on the flesh of God forever, to quote Abraham Lincoln. You will never get uncertified.

So no, and please self-ban for two minutes. Whatever you're a baby and you get a certified branding and later when you become, you know. Josh, I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't want to ever hear you talk about branding babies again. Oh, okay. You know, it is, you know,

and I do not mean to seem insensitive. I know that that is part of the religion that you're in, as you've explained it to me. And I, but honestly, I think that, you know, burning babies is really fucked up. But they're little, see, they're tiny. No, I think, you know, this is why we circumcise. You know, branding a baby is fucking terrible.

Just snip the very, snip that thing. That's what we do, we do not brand, we snip. People wanna know what, Bob wants to know what Rogue is. Oh, Bob Francis. This is my go to pouch. Renegade rogue. Now, I'm glad you brought this up. I'm first.

Let me just say this is not a sponsor. Let me show you something. I don't know what pouch you you might do, but let me show you something. I don't know what pouch you might do, but let me show you something. Pull this out here. Now this is Tucker Carlson's brand, Alp, and I'm gonna do a little comparison here. Should've called it Tuck. Did you do your Tuck one here?

Why did he call it Tuck? Alp, you know, I get it. It's, you know, he doesn't? Why did he call it tuck? Alp? You know, I get it. It's, it's, you know, he doesn't want to be associated with it. He's a controversial figure. But so here you have a typical Alp. All right. That's an Alp.

And then let me show you. Now this is a renegade rogue. Wow, some girth on that. Got girth. This is, this is a man's pouch.. Wow, some girth on that pouch. Girth. This is a man's pouch. You know, no offense Tucker, I like your Alps, but I want a fucking tea bag in my lips. And that's what this is.

You just shove this baby in, you can kind of chew on it. The Alp will fall apart. The rogue, if you're neurotic and nervous like I am, you can like nervously chew on it. So they're really good. And this is a three milligram rogue. and nervous like I am, you can like nervously chew on it. So they're really good. And this is three milligram rogue, because the sixes are hard to find.

These sell out everywhere, they're very hard to find. So. I don't know how to say that name, but they asked you a question. Kitsou. I was always curious about episode six in the Midnight Gospel, the wobble song, the different colors in the Wobble itself had a meaning. You know, my feeling with the Midnight Gospel, what we decided, or what I decided, is I was gonna let everyone decide what it means on their own.

Though I do have very specific, I will say this, nothing in there is accidental. Nothing in there is just throw it, like, we'll just do some weird stuff. Everything has a Reason and a meaning to it or most everything. I'm sure there's something in there that maybe maybe is like Chaos, but everything has a meaning but I don't want if I say what that meaning is and I steal what other people Have decided it means for their own lives and that's kind of a shitty thing to do Thanks for your donation Rick has a Question. Oh I'm glad you asked Rick.

The answer is hell no. I'm not ordering a Switch. I thought about it and I thought about it because I love Hollow Knight and the Switch has a silk song that's coming out. But Silk Song is coming out, but... Um... I, okay. This is probably the end of my podcasting life, but I'm just gonna say it. Not a fan of Nintendo games. Like Zelda, I played Breath of the Wild.

When I was a kid, Metroid, Castlevania, except Nintendo, but... I'm sorry, man. I,, man. I gave it a shot. I don't wanna be stuck, like at least with like PlayStation, you're gonna get some PC games end up coming there. But on Switch, it's just like, you're so limited. I like it for kids. I think Switch is great for kids.

Like I think PlayStation has done a pretty shitty job of having a nice library of stuff that's not gonna freak kids out. But what I did order, and it is because of the release of the Switch, and who knows, maybe I'll change my opinion. What I did order was a Steam Deck. Oh, oh my God.

That is incredible because There's always games I can't play when I go on Steam and it's so infuriating Because I have a Mac and a PlayStation and there's some games that just land right in the fucking middle there And you do the darkest games the weirdest games the creepiest games are all gonna be on PC and you can't get them and so I Realized like yeah, I do like sometimes on the road. I'm bored. It'd be nice to I don't know I have some something to fidget around with But I don't want to pull my fucking switch out on an airplane

You know what I mean? It just makes you I don't know You know what I mean? It just makes you, I don't know. Seems like, seems like a Zen man would pull out a Switch, whereas a rogue man pulls out a Steam Deck. But it's incredible. Like, it is incredible. If you're like me and you're just sort of like a lazy gamer,

you don't want to set up a PC, you don't want to deal with the installation of God knows what. You don't have to deal with getting like all this shit that can go into a PC. You just want to play games. It's incredible. Just connects to your Steam and download a game like the PlayStation. It looks fucking great. Too small though. I wish it was bigger, but what are you going to do? Can't have your cake and eat it too. Nickandro, my tea ice. Cheese, y'all! Come on! Thank you!

Duncan, if you could choose which addiction to have, which would it be? Gambling, porn, or definitely video games. For sure, Nickandro, for sure. Definitely video games. Because like, here's why, let me break it down. Gambling? Fuck that. That's...

I... The algorithm started serving up gambling addict videos and it's the saddest shit you've ever seen. This guy, what did he call it? Ghetto loan or something? I can't remember what he called it, but essentially he's a compulsive gambler, lost all his money in the casinos. So what does he do? He goes and gets uses his credit card to buy an expensive iPad, takes the iPad to a pawn shop. So now he's using credit card debt, but he can't get cash on the credit card,

but he can get cash for the iPad from a pawn shop. And I think he, I I think they came like 300 bucks For it. It was like a $1,200 iPad. They gave him 300 bucks And he goes into the casino and just immediately loses it in like six minutes. So depressing. So now he's just in credit card debt So that sucks porn Addiction I think, it's, how long can you jerk off for, you know? 28 minutes.

You've jerked off for 28 minutes? Max. Does that include finding the porn you're jerking off to? No, it's all strokes. 28 minutes of pure strokes. Is that because you do JOI videos? Like, is that why? Ah, it buffers a lot. I wait. You know the J- you ever do those? The metronome?

Oh yeah, yeah I've heard of it. Deep, deep, deep, deep, stop! So weird. It's like a dance dance revolution, but for jerking off. Also, I think video games versus porn, no offense to my gooners out there or gambling, like video games, you are participating in art. Like that's real art in some of these games. It's like some of these games. It's like some of these indie games, they'll like hit you really hard sometimes with like some crazy way of

exploring concepts that you hadn't ever thought of but it's in video game form. So they I like the Trojan horse element to video games where if you have misconceptions about what they are not to say there aren't video games They're just dumb as fucking fun Some games they will give you a real mood That to me is a distant relative of like reading a really good book Where you feel so immersed in the story? Or almost the best video games like Elden Ring where you feel so immersed in the story, or almost the best video games like Elden Ring,

to me, it's like I know it's obviously not a parallel universe, but it doesn't feel that far away from it. And considering where technology is going, I don't think it's insane to imagine that any video game I don't think it's insane to imagine that any video game is going to be taken by an AI and theoretically in some kind of Rocco's, Basilisk, Black Mirror kind of way is almost like a seed for a parallel universe once we have the compute and the immersive technology necessary to simulate realities based on whatever's out there. So what I'm saying is the Elden Ring universe that we've all experienced, I don't see why in 20 years you're not going to be able to visit it and like smell

or a dawn or use this asshole. or a Don or he's an asshole. Serrated Edge had a good point. They said 90% of gambling addicts quit before they hit it big. I know that is, I actually know that's true. I know that's true. Not trying to get you guys to give up. You're probably right when you really feel like you're about to stop. You're just one button push away from living your dreams. Thank you for saying that. Didn't mean to seem cynical.

I'm reading your comments now, friends. We are running out of time. I'm happy that this didn't Serrated Edge says play escape from Tarkov Power wash simulator has caught my eye many times. I'm escape from Tarkov seems cool I'm playing Hades too because I was in the original Hades I started that last night just to test out the steam deck and it's so good out the Steam Deck and it's so good. You know what I did find out? I'm glad you brought up Boards of Canada.

Wait, no, I was thinking of Montreal, actually, different Canadian band. Maybe it was him. Ooh, okay, this is a good question. Enrique Nunez wants me to talk about my experience at Meowth it was amazing we did our Simulator update Patch at Meowth in Denver, and it was so cool, and thank you everyone who came Hmm also Jesus if you guys are around Denver, you gotta go to that Meow Wolf. It is so cool.

And everyone who works there is so fucking cool. And they have their shit together. Because the stuff I needed to do that show is insane. I needed a griddle. I needed eggs. I needed like a choir. Not only did they get everything I asked for, which I couldn't believe, and I kept saying, like, you guys don't have to do this.

I'm just going to ask for anything that I would like to have. And they were just like, yeah, sure, no problem. We can get you a choir. Drag queen, a spiritual drag queen, no problem. We can do that. Like, no, just like everything that you need. They just did it. And Brandon, who I think I'm gonna have on the podcast, who runs I Am the Portal, or

Portal is the name of the foundation, everything was awesome. It made me so happy to do that. And I got to meet a lot of people and hang out with people that I'd heard about and it was really cool. Well, look, everybody listening, by the way, I apologize if you feel left out, my audio listeners, you can go on YouTube and you can find this, the video of this. See what the fuck we're yapping about.

I do mean that we will do certifications. You just have to work out the website. So I will get you certified, don't worry. And Perk124 has left us with a wonderful question. Please enlighten us with wisdom on our internal dialogue. This quality of mind is inevitably fascinating in that there appears to be some aspect of identity that we call thoughts or internal dialogue.

And the thinking process is so curious. In that we take our thoughts very seriously. And people get very nervous about things they think. So this is intrusive thoughts. OCD, people have to deal with this shit. Which is every once in a while, your mind decides to shotgun blast you with some of the most unsavory, disgusting,

horrifying thing ever. And you recoil, because you can't imagine that that came out of you I Have said this before I I think of it as flatulence biochemical flatulence When you have a Particularly odorifice is that even a word odorifice should be odorous Blast of flatulence Oterifis is that even a word odorifis should be odoris Blast of flatulence

Like a burner One that happens too fast, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to get detailed here to get to the point but You know when you when you when when your asshole? turns into Isis out of the blue, like you didn't even, you hadn't even eaten anything weird. It's like, it's like a sleeper cell. It's been in your ass just waiting until it got activated and then suddenly it just happens and it's quick.

You feel it and then you smell it too fast. And it burns your nose and your eyes. I mean these are like you get a few of these in a lifetime. If you're lucky. People around you groan and like you can't even hide it because it's stat potent and pungent. You haven't shit your pants. It's something worse than that. Like it's spectral. It's like it's a phantom. And you land in that moment on the on a planetary level you're like in the top 50 worst farts on the planet that day. And it's insane that your body made that smell and then you forget about it. You don't torture yourself over that.

You know, your friends might mention it from time to time. Happened at my, when I was in high school at my friend's house. Came out of nowhere. It inundated the whole house instantly. It's crazy, like tear gas or something. It's just a whole house just... I mean, we're talking like faster than the speed of light. Like, and I can't prove that this fart broke a law of physics, but I think it did. I think we're talking quantum entanglement. It was entangled with some other hyperdimensional part in another part of the universe.

And it just resonated together to amplify each other. And my friend's mother who was upstairs, within moments of this coming out of me, I heard her go, oh my God, oh God, it was a shriek. It was the sorrow that you would hear in a war zone. And she ran down the stairs and she's like, you need to go to a doctor. Like that is bad.

And, you know, of course we were like, it's, I mean, that's like the best thing that could happen when you're in high school is it's, your fart is so violent, your friend's mom wakes up from a nap or whatever and says you need to go to the hospital. I still think about it sometimes, but my point is, we just laughed and that's it. Whereas the mind concocts this or that, and you begin to think that you are bad, you're a bad person, because we take our thoughts more seriously than we take our farts. And this is where meditation is very useful, and in that you gain a kind of familiarity with your thoughts. And you begin to realize that your mind is always producing all kinds of disparate thoughts, some of them horrible, some of them maybe brilliant,

some of them funny, some of them boring, some of them repetitive. But you begin to see that whatever is happening up here isn't as cohesive, connected as you thought it was. Organized. It doesn't seem quite as organized as you thought, but it's more like some kind of like rain, a little pitter-patter of thoughts. And so that's a really good thing because if you're not aware of that and you think you are your thoughts or you think your thoughts are more important than they are, then you start reacting to the thoughts and that's

where you get into trouble. Paranoia ensues. Guilt, shame. You think, oh my God, if I thought about murdering somebody, aren't I basically a murderer? No. It's just some vile shit that popped out of your brain. Now, you know, if you are having looping, disturbing thoughts, I'm not saying that doesn't mean that they're, you know, it's like John Wingase's basement, you know,

like there was something buried under there. So where therapy comes in, you might have something that you need to take a look at but maybe not It's the it's the OCD Hyper-repetitive thoughts that torment people and for me that that becomes your identity you start thinking that's who you are. It's like Being trapped in a room with like a cassette tape for recording of Kasey Kasem on the radio and just listening to it for five years straight. Eventually, you're not going to want to merge with it, but you feel like that's you. So the first step though is just getting familiarity with all the other thoughts you're having.

Because you're having way more thoughts than you're probably noticing. And it's not like we remember everything we think. We don't remember everything we say. We definitely don't remember everything we think. So Jack Kornfield says, the mind creates thoughts the way the tongue salivates. And so the invitation in like mindfulness training or Buddhism is not therefore to ignore the thoughts. It's actually to not be afraid of the thoughts,

to create a space within which they can come and go. And the best description of this attitude is like inviting people into a party. You know, like people come in the party, you just say, Hi, come on in. That's it. There doesn't have to be, I've heard other versions of this, which is like invited in for tea or whatever, but that implies more of a relationship with the thing than is necessary. Because it's the attachment to these individual thoughts that create a kind of telescoping fractal of neurosis, which is one thought is a hyperlink that leads to a whole webpage of

self-hating thoughts and then you click on one of those hyperlinks in there and The Sharon Salzberg called these calls these add-ons you look in the mirror and You think Wow, it looks like on my vacation I've gained some weight. Totally normal, whatever. But doesn't stop there. You look at that and you think, what's wrong with me? I'm ugly.

Then you think, no one's gonna love me. I'll be lonely forever if I'm like this. Why can't I control myself? Then you think, my mom tried to help me, but she didn't, and I didn't listen to her, and I'm bad, and now she's dead. And then you think, I wonder if she's in hell. And then you think, I wonder if I's in hell.

And then you think, I wonder if I could burr, if hell's really in the center of the earth, if there would be a way to break people out of hell. Like, could you drill down there? And then you think, my God, is that what Elon Musk is doing with that boring machine? Is he trying to get like a relative out of hell? And then you think, fuck, that'd be a good screenplay I gotta write that down.

Like some kind of cool, new new like, I don't know, Mad Max meets Journey to the Center of the Fucking Earth where some guy goes into the center of the earth to save his grandfather because he knows he's in hell. He has to fight the devil. And then you think, God, I'm never going to make that. I never finished anything I do. Then you think, oh, I'm a failure. It's my mom's fault. She was such a bitch or whatever. Then it just goes on and on and on.

So familiarity with the thinking process leads to not the end of thinking, but less of a, it's the difference between riding a horse and I've gotta go, but this is from the Way of the Bodhisattva. The untrained mind is like a wild elephant. And so, you know, just think of a wild elephant rampaging around your head. That's what happens if you haven't taken the time to sit with your

thoughts and get familiar with them so that they seem less severe. Thank you for the question. Thank you for all the donations. If you want commercial free... What? Real quick, they want to know what the screwdriver was for. Oh, yeah. Oh, god damn it. Um, look, I don't mean to end on this negative fucking thing, but there's a gimp. My gimp. So, um... My gimp, uh, I've been going on the road a lot. And my gimp is like, getting all, like, is being a bitch. And is like, being all resentful. And you guys know what that's like when you have a resentful gimp is like getting all like is being a bitch and is like being all resentful

and you guys know what that's like when you have a resentful gimp And like i've been trying to do tough love and stuff and it's not working And I just I basically I feel like i'm I wish you don't ask me that I feel like i'm setting a bad example here because um I feel like I'm setting a bad example here because, you know, many of you came here because, all right, you're gonna, this sucks. Many of you came here because of my book, you know, Training the American Gimp.

And in it, I sort of propose a more tough love thing and don't let your gimp manipulate you because if you do, it's never gonna end, which is why we do sleep training with our gimp and when the gimp is banging on the wall under the stairs, we don't go to that, we go once and that's it. And, but yeah, I brought my g here and he's now he knows we're talking Shut up

Stop stop stop shut up Shut up No No No Shut up No No No No, I told you to be quiet. This is my job stop Stop, this is where you get your jam. This is where we get mashed potatoes free. Stop. This is how I Get your leather clean stop

All right, just I gotta get out of here I Stop. All right, I just I gotta get out of here. I gotta take care of this. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in. You are the best. I love you. I'll be back next week. Oh, I don't know when this comes out, but if you're listening to this on the week of April 23rd, come see me in Seattle at the Emerald City Comedy Club. Subscribe. You'll get commercial free episodes of this.

We will re-upload this. Thank you to all the people who donated money during this. Jesus Christ, thank you for all your great questions. Please don't let what just happened dissuade you. If you are interested in, you know, modern techniques of gimp wrangling, much of what's in my book. Yeah, sometimes I don't walk the walk,. Much of what's in my book. Yeah, sometimes I don't walk the walk, but much of what's in my book. If you have an unruly gimp, well for sure, at the very least, keep them out of your septic

tank, which is where they go when they run amok. Thank you! I'll see you next week. Goodbye!