Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 697: Weight of the Candy Pig

Episode Date: July 4, 2025

Happy 4th of July! This year the DTFH welcomes you to celebrate with us, and our traditional gunpowder-stuffed Iranian candy hogs. This episode is brought to you by: Right now, DTFH listeners can save 30% off their first order and enjoy free shipping on orders over $75! Head to CornbreadHemp.com/DUNCAN and use code DUNCAN at checkout.  For a limited time, Chubbies is giving DTFH listeners 20% off your order with our code DUNCAN at ChubbiesShorts.com! Minnesota Nice Ethnobotanicals wants to help you rediscover the magic of the world’s most iconic mushroom—go to mn-nice-ethnobotanicals.com and use code DUNCAN20 for 20% off your first order of Amanita Muscaria Capsules!

Happy Fourth of July Eve everybody thinks the Fourth of July happened on the Fourth of July We all know the real Fourth of July happened on the Third of July and they celebrated on the Fourth of July So technically this is the Fourth of July even though it's the Third of July. So happy Fourth of July everybody You are listening or watching the DTFH and Boy, oh boy, what an exciting celebration. I'm sure many of you have planned for tomorrow. I am doing so much.

We are barbecuing a pig. The kids are gonna slaughter the pig on their own. We're gonna do it patriotic style, AR 15s. The pigs will be released into the yard. They get to choose which pig they want. I try to get the same kind of weight of the pig to make sure that, you know, I don't want them to like... It would suck if they took out the, like, a smaller pig. Though I do think on a generally any given pig there's going to be enough meat to feed the family, but I want them to take out a big old pig. So we're going to release the pigs. We have put candy in the pig's bellies, so it's going to be pig. We're going to harvest the

pig, as they say, and then we're gonna do a pinata situation. Isn't that cool? Because the bats tenderize the meat. Boom. They're gonna be so surprised because all these beautiful patriotic candies are gonna fall out. And, you know, you've got some Iranian candies in there too. Like I got some Iranian style candies.

I hope that's what they are. I don't know. I just like ordered them online could be anything but Iranian candies and it's weird too because I'm getting them directly from Iran and Yeah, it's interesting the the only ones I could find from this supplier they said just it's gonna smell like Almonds taste like almonds. So it's like almond candy, I guess, I'm not sure.

Have you tasted them yet? No, I'm saving it as a surprise for the kids. So we're gonna have this Iranian freedom candy, and then after that, of course, we're going to butcher the pigs. Of course, none of us know how to do that. We have somebody coming in to do that. We have somebody coming in to do that and don't worry, it's an American citizen.

It's good. And so after that we're gonna take the bacon, we're gonna grill it up with some molasses and I'm not doing, and I'm curious for you to chime in here Josh, but I'll tell you what I'm not doing. I'm not doing foreign fireworks. So when we went to the fireworks stand, I was kind of shocked to see like the majority of fireworks, they come from China. They come from overseas.

So guess what I did? Went to a friend of mine, got my own gunpowder, and I've been rolling sticks of gunpowder all night if I seem tired and a little out of it. But I've been rolling sticks of gum powder all night if I seem tired and a little out of it But I've been helping what no I wanted to be surprised And I want to be able to say guys I made I made these this is daddy's work. So You know, what's really fascinating is a lot of I got a lot of information from the Unabomber's Manifesto. There is some really pretty good instructions on how to make like recreational fireworks or just recreational bombs. So some of them do look big. Some of them look big. And I'm a little unsure of

how fuses work, but I think it's something to do with the length. I have no idea, but you know, decent length fuses. It's more about girth. I, again, it's 100% about length, nothing to do about girth. And I don't, and that is, if you read Dr. Francois Lumeau's recent paper in the Journal of Penistry, because I know that's, you're making kind of like

a cheap cock joke. Don't I? In the middle of what I Tree, because I know that's you're making kind of like a cheap cock joke. In the middle of what I'm trying to build up here. You know what I mean? I just meant like the fatter the line. No, no, no, what I'm saying is I love my country enough that I wouldn't do that kind of thing in the middle, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't throw in some kind of cock joke.

I wouldn't do that. And I'm pretty sure my viewers don't don't want that either and Everyone who has listened and supported my podcast for so many years when what they all have in common aside from being Anomalously brilliant is their love of the fourth of July. So please don't fuck this up for me. I've been up all night All fucking night. I've been keeping myself awake with a combination of whiskey and amphetamines just like the founding fathers did So I'm like in a founding fathers mood. Let's just leave it at that. And so I've been whipping up Fireworks, you know fucking hard it is to find pigs You know, you would think it would be easy. It is really not easy. You know how hard it is to get a fucking pig in a sedan?

Two trips. Fucked out the back of my car. There's shit everywhere. You know how hard it is to keep the pig in a place where the kids aren't going to see it? They don't know what they're hunting. They just know they've got rifles. So threw me off a little bit, man. So then we're going to roll. I'm going to bring out the fireworks. I've attached the fireworks to drones

How cool is that awesome? So they're gonna fly those drones of over the neighbor's house and Sort of as a honoring my neighbors I'm gonna give them a free fireworks show individually like I've each firework. I have for different neighbors So they're gonna fly the drones over and just drop my handmade fireworks over their homes. Isn't that cool? In the middle of the night or are you gonna wait for specific time?

Glad you asked. So what's the number one thing that disappoints everybody on 4th of July? Biggest disappointment, the American disappointment or what they call the American depression on 4th of July? Biggest disappointment, the American disappointment or what they call the American depression on 4th of July. What does that cause by? Not seeing fireworks? What did you say before that?

Not see fireworks. Not seeing fireworks, I was saying. It's very depressing. No, what was that you just said before that? That's what we call a dog whistle. No, it's when the fireworks show is over. Oh. So everyone gets sad.

Yeah. I've been to so many different fireworks shows and everyone just starts weeping because the show is over, everyone's so sad. The kids are crying, the adults are crying, nobody wants to go home. Nobody's thinking like, what the fuck, why do I keep doing this?

Nobody's thinking like, why do I take pictures of this? I'm not gonna show anybody fireworks pictures. Nobody gives a shit about fireworks pictures. What am I doing? Everyone's crying. So I know that my neighbors are going to be so happy when exactly at 2.35 a.m., which is when America became a free country,

according to history, they hear the, first they're gonna hear the drone, which is always, it's an exciting sound, it's the sound of the future. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz drones. Tapping drones, just tap on the one, I just want to make sure they wake up. And then they're gonna come outside like probably excited. They probably know that something's going on because one of them saw me bring the pig out of the back of the car and was like, Duncan, what are you doing? And I'm like, you'll find out. So yeah, and then each one, personalized fireworks made for each one. Drones are going to drop these fireworks.

And then once the explosions happen, this is the best part, they're going to be out there and they're going to go, oh my God, I guess I live next to the coolest neighbor of all time. Guess what I got? Bacon drone. So a drone is going gonna fly over and drop meat directly on top of them, like a shower of American meat. And so that is, that's how I participate in our democracy.

That's how I participate. What do you got planned for the 4th of July? Well, quick question. Don't other countries also do this with the drones? Oh, let's talk about other countries. No, I was just asking. Oh, 4th of July, hey, let's talk about, oh no I was just asking it fourth of July hey let's talk about oh you want to talk I get better I didn't know what you love to talk about Paris France you want to talk about France gay Paris that's Josh what you want an accordion why you just get

an accordion and play a French tune on the fourth of fucking July I love accordions I know you do you love accordions and the Eiffel Tower. Well, you know what? We can talk about Paris on French Day. But this is the eve of the Fourth of July. Take that foul city out of your mouth. What do you have planned for the Fourth of July? It seems like you're already tiptoeing around what you're going to do.

Well, my kids are going to go swimming. They're going to hang out with their mother and I will be doing my thing. What's your thing? I'll be at home and that's pretty much it. What do you mean? Fourth of July. Going to a parade?

We split holidays. But you're going to a parade. I mean, it's a parade by myself really. I mean, what we do in my family is we- What do you mean a parade by yourself? You mean you're going to a parade. I mean, it's a parade by myself really. I mean, what we do in my family is we- What do you mean a parade by yourself? You mean you're going for a walk? By myself. That's called a walk.

It's also a parade. A solo parade is a walk. You're going on a walk? I think you're judging my parade, but- I am judging your parade. That's not a parade, it's a walk. A parade, there are a few specific things that have to happen in a parade.

One, there needs to be multiple people. Two, there needs to be an American flag, and that's a parade. Anything else, I don't know what it is. You're going on a walk, I guess, okay, fine. You do your French thing, I'll do the American thing. We'll all do the American thing. And we're all celebrating. We're all celebrating. While you do your little

lonely man walk, while you listen to Morrissey and take your little lonely pitiful sad walk, my children are going to be shooting pigs in my yard. So now, this is the dénouement, I guess you would like that word, French. So I hate name dropping, but I'm going to name drop. So this was years ago. I get an email from Hank Kleeter. Now Hank Kleeter, of course, is the premier country singer in America. He's the best country singer. He played at the inauguration. He is a genius. He loves the country. And so I, you know, we've become friends. I just email with him, whatever. I got the

some of the recipes for my fireworks from him because he served overseas. And you know, I was joking honestly, and I was like, man, it'd be kind of cool if, you know, I mean, it would be kind of cool if, you know, I mean, it would be kind of cool if like a Hank Cleeter song came on when my kids were shooting those pics. And he's like, Duncan, come on, just ask. I know what you want. I'm like, no, I'm not gonna ask.

And he's just ask. Ask, I'll kick your fucking ass again. He's kicked my ass a few times. And I don't mind, man, a Cleeter ass kicking, that's like the song. But he does get drunk, he drinks Everclear, and he kicked my ass a couple times. And I don't mind, man, a cleater ass kicking, that's like the song. But he does get drunk, he drinks Everclear, and he kicked my ass a couple of times in front of my kids. He's like, I will fucking fly there,

he's got a private jet, and that's the last time he kicked my ass. I thought I was joking, I'm like, no you won't, you pussy bitch. And he flew on his private jet to Austin, came to my house, slammed down the door, kicked my fucking ass, my wife was weeping, goes upstairs with her for like 30 minutes, which is cool, calms her down.

And then, cause I was like unconscious, but he's like, I'll kick your fucking ass. Tell me what you want exactly. And I said, Mr. Cleeter, he makes me call him Mr. It's cool. Mr. Cleeter, it would be cool if you recorded a personal song for my family about the 4th of July that I could surprise my kids with.

They love him. They look like him. That's a great, when you, when you love an artist, I think it's like the same way people start looking like your dogs. When you love an artist so much, sometimes your kids will look like the artist. I don't think that's how genetics works.

It's, we're not talking genetics. We're talking patriotism. Okay. We're talking love. And so, anyway, he's like, yeah, sure, I'll whip something up for you. Now that's when Cleeter says he's going to whip something up. I figured, you know, strumming a guitar to some bullshit, play what he sent me. This is what my kids will be listening to while they shoot pigs at my backyard

in the afternoon of the 4th of July, which is tomorrow. ["Eagles in the Sky"] You can pull me up on the screen. He did this in an afternoon. An attitude that we all are feeling Thanks to freedom bombs that bring planetary healing That crack If you want peace you need a war first Before you drink water need to feel the thirst And if you want love, need an iron glove Listen to this

It's not a grenade, it's the egg of a dove Not a grenade, the egg of a dove What's this? Not a grenade, the's got a killer voice. Yeah. They say just before George Washington died, he said spread this freedom as he cried. Let the whole world know the joy of liberation. That's why we created this brand new nation. Freedom to let the bombs explode.

Democracy means for wars we vote. That's true. Goosebumps. Jesus way this is the exact reason I rose from the grave This is why I got crucified so I could watch fireworks in American sky Mmm goosebumps. He's genius, man. No shit. Stand beside her and guide her with AI to control her drones. Thank you. Thank you, Hank. Thank you. If you're watching, thank you so much. He says he would never watch this, but thank you so much, Hank. Thank you. Means the world to me.

My kids... My kids are gonna... I just feel so grateful. He's just such a good man. He's just such a good man. He could have done anything. I mean, he just went to the studio and said, oh yeah, sure, here's a little present for you. Cucky.

That's what he calls me. Cucky Trussell. Mmm. Have you heard that more people now consume cannabis than alcohol? Maybe it's because there's no hangover. Whatever the reason. Cornbread Hemp just launched these incredible THC seltzers. We are in the right timeline. Finally, a THC seltzer that tastes and feels amazing. Perfect for spring and summer. This is a low calorie drink with only 30 calories and 5 grams of sugar. Made with pure THC and all natural ingredients. No synthetics. Each can has 5 milligrams of THC

which is the perfect amount so you don't feel couch locked or paranoid. Perfect for unwinding, kicking back and enjoying the moment without alcohol or a hangover. Four delicious flavors to choose from. Blueberry Breeze, delicious. Peach iced tea, raspberry limeade, and salted watermelon. Right now, DTFH listeners can save 30% off their first order and enjoy free shipping on orders at over $75. Head to cornbreadhemp.com slash Duncan and use code Duncan at checkout.

That's cornbreadhemp.com slash Duncan, code Duncan, cornbreadhemp. This is The Good Life. ["The Good Life"] So yeah, Fourth of July, it's here, man. And that's what it's about. I hope if I ever become a rugged man who knows how to play every instrument and write incredible lyrics, knows like how to like like build stuff and climb and and I and I have some beta who calls me up, emails me or whatever that and I hope that I have the generosity to go to my

studio and make a song for him because this is leading that's what leadership looks like it doesn't look like you know leadership doesn't it doesn't look like complaining it doesn't look like victim mentality it definitely doesn't look like victim mentality. It definitely doesn't look like shuffling around on a solo walk calling it a parade. And a lot of people are doing that metaphorically. It doesn't mean any of those things. What it means is you spend an afternoon making maybe the greatest country song of all time

for a man whose ass you have kicked multiple times. That's America. That's the Fourth of July, and that's what it's all about. We give to those we give. And in a way, what Hank Kleeter did to me, those meaty fists, I needed them. It brought me peace. Before that, I was honestly very anxious.

I had an anxiety disorder. And I don't know if it's like how hard my head hit the concrete. I don't know what it is. But after that, I don't know if it's like how hard my head hit the concrete. I don't know what it is. But after that, I don't know, I just felt calm. And let me put this in italics. I wish you could see it. I wish I could bring something peaceful, like real peace,

not bullshit peace. A lot of days, these days especially, I don't think people understand what peace means. Some people, when they hear the word peace, they think it means no violence, common misconception. People when they hear the word peace, they think that it means some kind of flaccid, impotent world where everyone's just shuffling around on solo parades with enough to eat and blah blah blah not worried about not worried about getting attacked from a super advanced military vehicle that's not freedom that's not

peace all that is that's a coma. That's like saying that you consider sleeping to go into a coma. That's what Michael Jackson was doing at night. It's a sedated, anesthetized, idiot world where, oh, and then what are we paying taxes for? I guess you want your money to go to what? Education. It's so fucked up. I'll tell you, I want my money, my tax dollars, they do go to education. They go to educating tyrants about freedom.

That's my tax dollars, that's the school. Let's just say I contribute to the global University of Freedom. And I'm proud of that. And when those sweaty, meaty fists, and I remember the taste of the sweat. I don't know why his hands are so sweaty. Those sweaty, meaty, hairy hammer fists pounding down before I lost consciousness. And for a second, maybe it was a hallucination, maybe it was the beginning of the seizure that I had. Apparently, I don't obviously don't remember, but apparently I had a seizure. I saw on one fist George Washington's, and on the other fist, Thomas Jefferson.

And they were kissing me. They weren't hurting me. And right before I lost consciousness, together they both said, we love you. Grow up. And so when people are upset that what our president, you know, that we had a, that we put some flagpoles into Iran and waved a freedom flag because they say that's not peace. It is the most distorted postmodern take. This is exactly what the woke culture wants to do. It wants to take the meaning of words and warp them. That's what they do.

So what did they do? They took peace and they warped it so it means no war. Peace has always meant war. Peace has always meant war. That's literally... Before they got a hold of the fucking dictionaries, when you looked it up, that's what it said. Peace. The thing that happens after war. Yeah, ordered through chaos. I guess. I guess. I don't... I'm gonna think about that for a second.

Just shh. The fuck are you, a Satanist? Sounds like something a Satanist would say. That sounds so... some shit somebody would say at a Satanic church. They say it in France a lot. Yeah, I'm sure they do. Yeah, the home of the most disgusting form of kissing French kissing That's the first sign Don't go to fucking France if God wanted us to put our fucking tongues in each other's goddamn mouths

He would have made our lips tongues You tap the lips. Jesus, Josh, you seem like you're stoned. Anyway, I just wanna say that I hope from the bottom of my heart that you are standing strong against wokeism and the language police who want to turn words on their head. So I guess now peace means no war. Okay. Okay, snowflake. Because it don't. Peace cannot happen without war.

To quote Mahatma Gandhi, war is the mother of peace. It's like you don't get a baby without a pregnant. It's not gonna happen. Oh, I guess you don't want birth to be painful either, Snowflake. So you want your baby to be brought to your doorstep by a stork, I guess. A stork flapping his pathetic low-T wings, carrying a baby and dropping it on your doorstep so that women don't have to pay the price for deceiving the Lord. Okay, well you know what?

Why don't you take that up with the Lord? And maybe you could go up to heaven and you could say, excuse Jesus it seems like people think that when you said turn the other cheek and love your neighbor as yourself they think that that means war and I that doesn't seem like what you meant at all but yeah lots of Christians are all pro-war and you know he's gonna do to you he's gonna do the exact same thing that happened to me. Jesus' meaty, hairy, sweaty fists are going to pound on your fucking face. Right there. Lucky for you, there'll probably be a cloud underneath your head instead of a sidewalk.

And my head hit my fountain. So maybe you won't have a seizure. But one thing I do hope you have is an epiphany. I hope is Jesus's hairy, meaty, American fists pound onto your woke head that you begin to understand that peace means war, and war means peace. Peace, war, same. War, peace, same. Have you ever heard of the book?

And I'm guessing you haven't because the person I'm talking to is a real dummy. Have you ever heard the book, War and Peace? Do you know what their original title was before the media mob and the woke liberal elite got ahold of it? War is peace. But they changed it to War and Peace,

creating the differentiation. Because the problem is not war, any more than the problem is mothers. The problem is the distinction that this new postmodern Marxist, neo-communist, Ivy League poisoned mob of drooling, drug addicted, polyamorous, androgynous fanatics. The problem is that they have gotten into the very way we express some of the most fundamental pillars of what it means to be in America.

And I'll tell you, when you're looking up at the Fourth of July fireworks, my guess is if whoever I'm talking to out there, I would probably plug your ears. Oh, it's too loud. You know what you're seeing? You're seeing You know what you're seeing? You're seeing exactly what we saw. I didn't see it. I wish I had. The founding fathers saw. The bombs exploding. Beautiful bombs. Beautiful bombs. The rockets red glare. Bombs bursting in air. Gave proof through the night. What Josh?

That our flag was still there. I can't believe you know that. Yeah. I thought you were gonna say it in fucking French. No, they teach it in French too though. You fuck, shut the fuck up. You, it was perfect until that, you always bring up the French thing.

He's a Francophile. Maybe other kinds of files. The point is this, those bombs, those fireworks, that's what it represents. You don't get America without a war. You don't get Carl's Jr. without a war. You don't get the Burger King, which is the only king that I support without a war. War is what Josh? Peace. Peace is what Josh? War. Peace is war. War is peace. Peace is war. War is peace.

Peace is war. War is peace. Say it with us. Peace is war. War is peace. And money. Shut the fuck up. Money's, money's.

It's nothing to money all right oh my god industrial peace complex shut the fuck up it does nothing to the war oh so you're like the petrodollar guy are you gonna do petrodollar are you gonna say the only reason that we do anything globally is something to do with the fucking petrodollar please you know what when Alex Jones comes in here you and him can talk about the goddamn Petrodollar when you're here, we're gonna talk about war is peace Peace is war nothing to do with money nothing to do with the military industrial complex

Controlling all branches of government nothing to do with controlling all branches of government, nothing to do with private weapons manufacturers, with shit tons of money laundering taxpayer money, nothing to do with all the money that we lose in wars, nothing to do with an insane form of redistribution of wealth, except it's not coming from the wealthy, it's generally coming from the lower middle class. Nothing to do with that. Nothing to do with that. What it has to do with is this world is desperate for peace. Desperate. And we bring peace all over the world. We've been doing it and we will be doing it for a long time. The United States has been at peace for 93% of its history. Now on to more important things. Josh, will you mind pulling up, this

is really interesting, and by the way, happy fourth everybody. Josh, can you pull up scientist detect object from outside solar system. This is really, really interesting. For only the third time in history, astronomers have discovered a new interstellar object that originated from outside the solar system. The object known as 31 Atlas is likely a comet and is much faster than any other interstellar object that originated from outside the solar system. The object known as 31 Atlas is likely a comet and is much faster than any other interstellar object. Go to the Washington Post 34 minutes ago. This is hot off the presses. Scroll down. I love how they make the planets like a ball. Can you close that? A newly discovered interstellar comet is hurtling around us. Only the third interloper object to be observed in our solar system.

It is not expected to impose an impact risk to Earth, but telescopes around the world have been able to detect the mystery visitor. The comet officially named 31 Atlas. Who names these fucking comets? Please! Please someone else name this shit. What an unoriginal name for something outside the fucking galaxy. If I'm in the meeting where we named Comets

and someone suggests that, instantly fired. I'm going dove-charney on them. It's currently located around 420 million miles away. I guarantee in that meeting somebody was like, name it hyper Boria Name it Sparkly and then this boring ass shit is like 3i Atlas sounds great It's currently located around 420 million miles away and inside the orbit of Jupiter

But don't let the distance deter you Telescope imagery from Italy of the celestial visitor is being live streamed tonight at 6 p.m. Now, look up Ooma, mooma. O-U-M, how do you not know how to spell that? O-U-M-A, there, it pops up when you look down, go back one.

Go back one more. Ooma, now put in him There Uma mama those two words now check this out, baby Uma mama is the first observed interstellar object to pass through our solar system was discovered in 2017 is notable for its unusual Turd shape reddish color and unexpected acceleration as it moved away from the sun. Now this is fascinating. Do you know about this fucking thing? I heard about it. So I had Avi Loeb on the podcast ages ago. I'm going to reach out to him and see if he'll talk about

this new visitor we have coming in. But this is nuts. This thing and that's just an artist's rendition. Of course they made it look like, honestly, you've been taking fiber probably. That's, you know, soften it up a little bit and you're doing pretty great. But of course they make it look like a turd. Mm, that would destroy my ass. Well, it depends on the size of your ass.

Not that big. Yeah, but I mean, of course, it's a massive interstellar object, but if we inflated your asshole to like two times the size of the Sun you wouldn't even feel it. It's all relative. Yeah, I didn't think about it that way. So This thing what's crazy about it is that it shoots into our... see that how do you turn? Look at that one See the wick pull up the Wikipedia. Oh Go back one

See the Wikipedia where it just shows as white the white like here right there pull that up See how do you turn that into a turd? Same person your name to Atlas is like I'll draw it man Probably looks like a big old log Atlas is like, I'll draw it, man. Probably looks like a big old log. Like how does that turn in? You know what I mean? When I see that, I'm not like,

yeah, that probably looks like a turd. Anyway, we'll let the science do their thing. Red color, that means not enough fiber, honestly. But this interstellar object shoots into our solar system and it does the thing that we do when we're getting Satellites to Mars or probes to Mars. It did that slingshot shit around the Sun. That's what's weird It like did exactly the thing you would do if you were a spaceship and wanted to build up Some extra speed you do this crazy shit where you zip around the sun. I guess it's kind of like if you tie a rope to a tree,

you run with a rope on the tree and jump, and the rope carries you around the tree. We used to call that tree spinning, back when I was a kid. Spin around that tree, span and span. And so you spin around. And so now that we've got, again, this is the third time we've detected one of these things. And it's, they're so close together.

So now people are saying, by people I mean me, that of course that was the probe. That was the exploring turd doing a scan. And they're like, oh wow, look at that. We've got some kind of intelligence down there, something like intelligence, lots of water. We need water. So we'll come back and get the water. And that's what people were saying.

That first one was a probe. This one, which is gonna be zipping by Mars. So if you get the first thing is the probe, the second thing, it's the explorers and they're gonna stop off at Mars, drop off a lot of colonists so they can get ready. We can't get to Mars. It's a perfectly safe place to prepare for an invasion.

Then they're going to prepare for the invasion from Mars or whatever, you know, whatever you want to call it. And then they're going to...and all the UAPs we've been seeing, that's what the first space log dropped off. Some drones to scan us. Now they know everything about us. Now they're coming to say hello. So that's what people are saying. Do you think they'll give us blankets? Hope so. It'd be nice if they gave us blankets and soft things, pacifiers.

It'd be cool if they gave us Vic's Vaporub. It'd be cool if they gave us like, bags of very clean molly. What do you fucking mean, man? They're not gonna give us blankets. They're gonna give us tech no doubt after scanning our civilization these visitors probably were very impressed they realized like my god like Look at how advanced this species is. Like, they are so smart. They really seem to have their priorities straight. They definitely have surpassed their distant ancestors,

the monkeys. They have learned that self-interest, selfishness, and a fixation on one's own identity is a waste of time that the most important thing is to become sort of part of a super-organism, which you are, and help those around you. So my feeling is they're probably gonna give us like some pretty amazing weapons because they know we can handle it responsibly. I think we're gonna get... That's more peace. That's what I'm saying, baby. We're get laser cannons and I'll tell you what's gonna be really funny

All the tyrants out there and by tyrant I mean people who are talking about not using the petrodollar anymore They're gonna go Give me the guns and it's like I wonder why because you were suggesting using an alternate currency to trade for oil Don't do that bad idea. So they got Gaddafi. That's how they got Well, that's how Gaddafi got got. Yeah So that's Very exciting that this is happening and now to the news very exciting that this is happening. And now to the news.

Hold on one second. Let me pull this up. Trying to make this a little more. Um. ["The DTFH Theme Song"] This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by my new friends at Chubby's, and I do mean new friends because you know what people don't say when they look at my butt? It's Chubby! In fact, some people might say, it doesn't exist. So you must know How happy I was when I received my chubbies swim trunks in the mail?

Pulled them on and realized somehow by some Miracle, I don't know how they do it. I don't want to know maybe it's magic It actually seems like I have a butt. You know what that means to the buttless? To people like me. I can go swimming. I look good in my swim trunks.

I've got a butt. Thanks to Chubby's. I'm going on vacation with the family soon, man. You should see my old swim trunks that I am happily incinerating. They're horrible. They probably anger. There is a God.

I imagine God looks at my old swim trunks and thinks, why did I do this? Why did I make all this stuff? Somebody's going to be flopping around in the butt in those old stanky dad swim trunks, faded palm trees on him that he bought in Vegas because he wanted to swim and he went down to the pool and realized you shouldn't swim in a Vegas pool. It's disgusting. Now I have chubbies on my side, on my team, on team Trussell, on not just team Trussell,

but on the team of all of us who want to let the dogs out for the summer, who want to show those legs at the pool and not feel like something that should be driven into a bell tower. And somehow I don't know how this is even possible. There are uncomfortable swim trunks out there. It's like people making swim trunks want you to hurt while you swim. People making swim trunks don't want your vacation to be as great as it could be. They want you to suffer. I don't know what that is. Maybe it's a plot. Maybe it's just bad design. But Chubbybies, Chubbies flies in the face of those swim trunk warlocks who want to darken our summers. They have created a mystical,

super comfortable, perfectly fitting swim trunk. When at last I say goodbye to this mortal plane, I'm probably gonna get cremated, but if I wasn't, I'd wear chubbies. I'd wear chubbies in my casket. And when the sun goes down, swap into a pair of everywhere shorts. They fit right, feel right, and go with everything. And after wearing them once, you'll find yourself wondering why you even own other shorts. I don't really own other shorts. I'm a no-short guy, at least I was until I slid these dogs into a perfectly fitting pair of Chubbies.

Whether you're suiting up for cannonballs, cookouts, or casual Fridays, Chubbies has you covered. For a limited time, Chubbies is giving our listeners 20% off your order with our code DUNCAN at chubbiesshorts.com. That's code DUNCAN at chbyshorts.com. That's code Duncan at chubbyshorts.com. Support our show and let them know we sent ya. Summer's here, dress like it in Chubbys. Support my new sponsors, won't ya? They're rolling the dice on me and they sent me a free pair of awesome swim trunks.

So buy some chubbies. Make them feel like they made the right decision. Make them feel like they did the right thing, staking their business, their future, their children's future on the DTFH. Get some chubbies. Also, if you're one of the assless, get ready. You're gonna know what everybody else feels like

all the time. All right guys, here's some headlines real quick. Pretty soon We'll have graphics that we pop up and say headlines. Here we go These are the top headlines from today King Galfron scores massive payout from Paramount illusionist guild Elders having an Eldoria in a stunning legal victory King Galfron will receive a 16 million gold piece settlement from the Paramount purveyors Of illusions and in a contentious dispute that has captivated the kingdom. The king's legal mages argued that the guild, known for its powerful and widely distributed scrying pool broadcasts, had maliciously altered his image to undermine his rule. God bless King Galfrond. Paramount, a media conglomerate

powered by some of the most skilled illusionists in the realm, had defended its broadcasts as protected artistic commentary. However, the hefty settlement suggests a capitulation to the king's demands may he live forever. Sources close to the royal treasury confirm the gold will be used to fund significant new infrastructure projects. Though critics worry this will stifle free expression and lead to self-censorship among bards and artists critical of the crown. That's ridiculous. to self-censorship among bards and artists critical of the crown. That's ridiculous. Jury reaches partial verdict in Puffy the Shaper corruption trial. Greyhawk City. The high-profile trial of Bard, Puffy the Shaper, saw major development today as the jury returned verdicts on most of the sweeping charges against him. However, the city holds its breath as jurors

remain deadlocked in the final critical count. I believe that actually Puffy the Shaper was Only found guilty of a couple of the charges. You know, he's a bard You know what? I mean, I'm not excusing what he did But if you guys have ever been in a tavern after hours and hung out with a bard after the performance they will they're fucking nuts Like they will they're fucking nuts. Like they are nuts. I was sitting next to a bard, obviously not Puffy the Shaper,

this is just a basic tavern, like far away from Greyhawk City in Calvanzio, when I was looking for the wand of Drezig's, house cleaning wand, basic wand. And I enjoyed the bard's loot, but I was sitting next to him just sort of talking and he was drinking ale and seemed a little drunk. And what was really, really weird is that I guess he had a ring of invisibility that only turned his finger invisible. And yes, I know, I always thought they just made your whole body invisible, but apparently

they have some that just make your appendages invisible. And so all of a sudden I feel like I have to use the bathroom. And I look down and he put his invisible finger right up my my butt and laughed he laughed and laughed and pulled it out like dude you know what that's karma take a smell of that because like we you know it had been a long ride so there what I'm just saying they're wild no excuse or anything like that but asking a bard not put his finger up your butt is like asking a dog to not eat a steak that fell off the table. Now this is interesting. Fragile 60-day ceasefire declared between ivory

tower wizards and sons of the serpent, thank god, this is in the sunscorched south. A glimmer of hope has emerged from the war ravaged southern deserts today as the Council of High Wizards of the Ivory Tower and the leadership of the Sons of the Serpent Warrior Tribes have agreed to a 60-day ceasefire. That's great. The court, brokered by neutral third-party sorcerers, temporarily halts decades of brutal conflict.

The long war has seen devastating magical bombardments from the wizards and relentless bloody raids from the tribal warriors, leaving the region on the brink of total collapse. The truce is intended to allow humanitarian aid, including vital potions, thank God, and enchanted supplies to reach besieged settlements. Diplomats from both factions are scheduled to meet at an undisclosed, magically shielded oasis to begin negotiations. Key topics will include the exchange of prisoners and the potential establishment of a permanent recognized border for the first time in a generation There is a cautious optimism that a lasting peace may be forged from the sands of war

Though many are worried that the sand dragon has awoken and cannot be put back to sleep Uh, that bothers the shit out of me. Yeah, but the orange wizard said that he would, you know, fix it, so we'll see. Yeah, you know, I have great respect for all wizards. Always have. Wanted to be a wizard. Just didn't make it, didn't get selected, didn't make it through the initiation. It's political. I don't know if it's political,. I could have tried or I could have tried I didn't want to drink I Didn't want to drink blood

You know and I I tried I'll be honest I just puked it up it tastes horrible very tinny tastes very just gross like the other Kids around me seem like they've been practicing with like I didn't even know you could practice with your own blood. So I've just been like, I'll just fucking gulp it down. Anyway, I have a lot of respect for wizards. I want to put that out there first. I definitely don't want to seem, I don't want to upset a wizard, basically. I'm not afraid of them, but I mean, I'm not saying this because I'm afraid of wizards at all.

But I do respect, I have a great deal of respect for what they do. And if there are any wizards listening, I do really mean that. So please don't curse me or anything like that. That being said, sometimes I do feel like wizards, and I mean this with all due respect, they don't think that far ahead. And you know, we all know about the Sand Dragon. We all know about the Sand Dragon of the Sunscorch South, put to sleep by Asmodeus the...

lizard whisperer, 500 decahedrons ago. Sleeping soundly beneath the desert. We all know that... there was some chance he could... the dragon go way back up. And I don't know, I'd love to know what you think about this. Some people claim that there are wizards who actually want to awaken the dragon. They don't want the dragon to sleep. I don't want to get like weird here, but what are your thoughts on that?

You're asking me or I thought you were asked the audience? I'm asking you. Um, I think that uh, Oh real quick, sorry breaking news, uh, the house of warlocks just passed the big beautiful bill Are you kidding? No Oh full respect to the house of warlocks. Not only do I have great respect for wizards I definitely have great respect for warlocks! And not gonna say, not gonna upset, don't upset a warlock. That's what my grandfather used to say to me all the time. Don't upset a warlock.

And it was funny because he had a hooked hand because of something, like something that warlock withered his hand. And so he'd wave the hook and say,'t upset a warlock they will wither your hand so yeah good that's good whatever the warlocks do i support and the warlocks The Warlocks are beautiful, right Josh? Always, always. Love the Warlocks. And that's great that they have installed the big, beautiful bill, AKA Grimoire of Sartanon.

Yeah, sure, you know, there's people out there like you're really gonna like, it's a massive grimoire Like even the greatest wizards couldn't possibly understand everything within those pages those vile pages inked in the blood of the ancients but it's like You know, this is why This is why we got warlocks. They I'm sure they found a way to explore the tome and a safe sanctum of protection and no doubt the stories about that particular

grimoire are probably mostly peasant talk about those curse pages and the cleric's guild is kind of upset about it. The clerics hate grimoires. Clerics are always being bitches if you think about it. Clerics are always, don't open the grimoires. We just want to heal. But it's like, you know, I'm just not gonna get involved.

I respect the clerics, I respect the warlocks, I respect the wizards, and I respect the king, and I respect the many deities of the kingdom. Leave it at that. What about you, Josh? The clerics are kind of annoying me. The Sanders cleric, he's just tall. Oh yeah, you're talking about Sanders the gleaming blade worshiper of Lotharian.

Well, you know, followers of Lotharian are, you know, he's old. Let's also mention that. Like, he has chosen not to drink of the waters of youth because apparently they contain within them actual, how would you say, nectar of youth I guess you could say. And I don't think these days it does make the way they apparently are getting the nectar extracted does not seem legal. And so he didn't want to drink that. Okay, but if you're, you know, he got old. What do you want? You know, he's like one of the few, most clerics you run into out there, very young and

happy to drink the nectar. Again, not judging or not unjudging or anything, totally neutral here. But yeah, I know what you mean. But full respect to him and to Lotharian, the God of light and the light which heals. Wow, you just say anything, won't you? Well, I was a disciple of His back in 2016. I didn't know that! What happened? I shaved my head and nothing changed and I was very upset. Did you drink of the waters? They gave me some, they said it was the waters, but I they gave me some. Well those are the, that's the test. Oh.

You're supposed to taste, did it did it taste kind of like salty? Thick? Yeah. Those could have been the waters maybe you just, I don't know, maybe you're cursed. Sometimes I think you're cursed. Sometimes you do seem cursed. Yeah. Do you ever wonder if you're cursed? Yes. All the time. Well... Well... Have you ever tried to lift the curse?

We'll find out if the curse doesn't happen. I'm turning 40 and... I was cursed upon that my life would end at 40 and... Yeah. Classic curse. Yeah. Yeah. I got cursed and... Yeah, classic curse. Yeah, yeah. I got cursed, got rid of the curse. Had to trade a ball for it. What kind of ball?

My testicle. Oh, okay. Necromancers, you know how they are. Yeah. I couldn't afford the clerics. Didn't have cleric insurance, had to go to a necromancer. And the necromancer was like, I'm like, he's like good news, bad news,

I could definitely lift your curse. I'm like great, let's do it. And he's like pull out your balls. And I really regretted not signing up for cleric insurance at that moment. But he had a swift hand, Swift Blade. That was actually his name. Swift Blade? Necromancer swift blade of

Pasadena well my mom gave me this It doesn't say that I won't die, but it does say put it back put it back, okay I don't I don't I don't know what the amulet that is I hate that don't don't pull your fucking amulet out I don't know what that is You really can just pull out an amulet fucking crazy Damn dude, my mom gave it to me after the after the great Outbreak after the plague we just had you're just pulling out amulets I Wasn't showing off you were pulling out a fucking amulet. Are you fucking kidding me? I was opening up

Wow, I guess you just didn't haven't read any Anything that cleric Fauci Oh has been writing about I guess you pay no attention to the house of Pfizer And all of their great clerics and their recommendations. Keep your amulets to yourself. Sorry guys. He's learning. Don't don't judge him. He's learning. For those of you listening, Josh just pulled out an amulet and uh it did have a dark shadowy glow to it. It did seem also cursed. It had a weird resonance to it and I did feel a chill in the air. So it definitely has the feeling of a cursed amulet. No offense against your mom.

I would never give my children a cursed amulet, but honestly older people don't seem to even understand anything about amulets these days. And there's nothing worse than when your mom appears on the crystal ball wanting you to give instructions on how to operate some new amulet. I fucking hate it. Because it's just like, generally it's just move a disk or whatever. It depends on the amulet. Point is, there's a lot going on. Let's see if there's any news stories right now. Let me look it up. And while I do this everybody, let me just say thank you so much to those who are viewing me in the kingdom of Lasanka, Dornell, and of course to the magistrates of Wisteria. We are so grateful to you. The Illusionist Guild obviously does supplement my income and by placing their beautiful recommendations for

wonderful items that you can purchase. But if you would like episodes of this podcast free from the little mini stories of the Illusionist Guild, you can become a subscriber. And no offense to the Illusionist Guild, love you guys, thank you so much for supporting me and my family. Very grateful to you for that. If you become a member, you will be free of any of the illusionist stories or you can subscribe to my Patreon at patreon.com forward slash DTFH.

And I just want to say thank you to all of you who are out there right now watching live through the various crystals that people are using these days. Holy shit. This is bad. This just happened. E la la la la. Massive necromancer data breach exposes millions to identity theft spells. Did you hear about this? No. The Cloud Spire, a catastrophic security failure at the powerful Necromancer Guild Cloud Spire Analytics has resulted in one of the largest data breaches in the Kingdom's history. Arcane investigators confirmed today that the sensitive personal information from over 50 million citizens, including true names, fuck, birth signs, and financial runes has been stolen by a shadowy syndicate of chaos mages.

Cloudspire Analytics, a guild of necromancers who specializes in data animation, the practice of resurrecting and analyzing vast quantities of public and private information, admitted their protective wards were bypassed. Experts warned that the stolen data could be used by illicit spellcasters to craft powerful identity theft and glamour spells allowing thieves to impersonate individuals. God damn. Drain Greengots accounts and even take out magical loans in a victim's name. The Royal Magister's office has issued a public warning urging citizens to monitor their scrying pools for unusual activity and to update their personal warding spells immediately whoo

That's terrifying That's fucking tear. Have you ever have you ever had your identity duplicated? Yes Yeah, what happened? They passed away What passed away the person who duplicated my identity. They were 40. Yeah. Did you curse them? They didn't have an amulet.

No. Man, I gotta tell ya, I mean, listen, to each his own, I'm not throwing curses. I'm not gonna do that. But I did have my identity duplicated. I was turned into a golem. I'm not gonna do that. But I did have my identity duplicated. I was turned into a golem.

Horrible, I didn't even know. Then some fucking shitty necromancer threw some garbage party in North Carolina. And I found out, cause I saw one of my friends, he's like, dude, you were giving blowjobs to everybody at that necromancer party. And I'm like, I wasn't, what necroman of my friends, he's like, dude, you were giving blow jobs to everybody at that necromancer party. And I'm like, I wasn't, what necromancer?

What are you fucking talking about? I wasn't there, I was at work. And he's like, oh shit, dude, they duplicated you, man. Turned you into a suck golem. So yeah, it was bad, no pun intended, sucked. But I was able to... Somebody in my family did a reversal spell and apparently the suck golem just melted mid blowjob during another of their parties all over somebody.

But don't you retain all the memories? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So there's a silver lining, but... Here's another one wizards announced breakthrough in anti-aging potions sparking ethical debate Silverwood City the esteemed Royal College of Wizardry That's who rejected me announced a monumental breakthrough today that could fundamentally alter the course of life in the realms a team of high-level

could fundamentally alter the course of life in the realms. A team of high-level transmutation wizards has successfully brewed a stable and reproducible anti-aging potion capable of reversing the physical aging process by several decades. Lead wizard Archmaid Alara, she is hot, no offense, but she is, hmm. Usually Archmages are all, I don't know, bent over,

like she's, hmm. Usually archmages are all, I don't know, bent over. Like, she's, damn. They're building them different now. I guess so. Lead wizard Archmate Alara stated in a press conference at the Potion, dubbed a chronomancer's drought, has passed all mystical trials and could be available to the nobility within five years, the nobility.

While the promise of extending, and you know I guess someone could argue like you know shouldn't we also make this available to the peasantry but yeah I think I mean who do you want to have the longer lifespan? I think somebody in somebody slopping a pig or you know somebody like the beautiful Alara. The one who deserves it. Then, well, that would be the nobility, wouldn't it?

But you didn't say that right away. I thought I meant... No, you said someone who deserves it. The one who deserves it, and I meant them. Well, why wouldn't you just say, of course, the nobility? Why would you say one who deserves it? Because then, you know, honestly, you sound like one of the renegades. That's the last thing I fucking need is fucking renegade propaganda right now. The last thing I need is renegade propaganda when we have 466 people gazing upon us right

now through their crystals and nobody wants to hear renegade propaganda. I Do not support the renegades. I support the nobility. I give full allegiance to the king Say that say you give full allegiance to the fucking king I give full allegiance to the fucking king No, say I give full allegiance to the king. I get full of agents to the king I reject the propaganda of the renegades. I reject the propaganda of the renegades. Say it like you mean, I support the nobility.

I support the nobility. And give full respect to the wizards, necromancers, and clerics of the land. Full respect to the wizards, necromancers, and clerics of the land. Thank you, Jesus, this is so fucking, you're gonna get our portals closed. It's not that kind of, this is not that kind of podcast.

Though that's exciting, man, a chronomancer's drought. I would love to take a sip of that, get this white out of my beard. Hmm, that's interesting. We'll look into that. I wonder what that feels like. You ever wonder? Have you ever met anybody who drank a youth potion?

Yeah, they say it just, it runs through your veins and it feels like you throb. Your whole body throbs. Yeah, that's what they say. It and it feels like you throb, your whole body throbs. Yeah, that's what they say. It's like feeling like you've been cold your whole life and a warm blanket got wrapped around you. Remember Wizard Brian? We had him on.

He was working on a drought. So I wonder what he thinks about this. I think he knows Archmage Allara. Archmage, excuse me, to those of you who follow her. She is so beautiful. Beautiful feet. Tensions flare as rival adventuring guilds clash over disputed dragon horde. The Dragon's Tooth Mountains, a territorial dispute in the treacherous Dragon's Tooth

Mountains is escalated into open conflict between two of the realm's most prominent adventuring guilds, the Crimson Blades and the gilded compass. The conflict erupted over salvage rights to the horde of the recently slain ancient red dragon Ignathrax. Reports from the area describe intense skirmishes involving both swordplay and significant magical barrages, resulting in several casualties on both sides. Damn. The Crimson Blades, a guild known for its martial prowess, claims they dealt the final blow

to the dragon and thus have sole claim. However, the guild encompass a consortium of treasure hunters and lore masters insist their detailed maps and ancient lore. Oh, shut the fuck up. And ancient lore were essential to locating the lair and we can eat. Okay if maps kill dragons Maybe I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not Afraid of talking shit about the gilded compass

Always causing shit. Oh Did you draw a map? Did you get your quilt pin and we ink out a map to the dragon and now you get the treasure? Shut the fuck up! Don't fuck with the crimson blades. My dad was in the crimson blades. Don't fuck with the blades. You're a map drawer. You draw maps. You-you- You read old tomes and by the way it ain't that hard to find out

where a fucking dragon is. Stop acting like everyone didn't know where the dragon was. We all knew that the dragon, Ignithrax, was where? The Dragon Tooth Mount,

the what mountains? Dragon Tooth Mount. The what mountains? Dragon Tooth Mount. So I guess we need you to help us figure out where the dragons are. Ridiculous. I'm so sick of the Gilded Compass. I'm so sick of it. It's an overhyped. It's an overhyped group of fucking betas. Like stop. The Crimson Blades are out there fighting a fucking dragon while you're sitting on your goddamn ass with your fucking Pseudo dragons and your little quill pins your stupid outfits Pseudo dragons they all have pseudo dragons and they get toxic plasmosis from

From changing the pseudo dragon Shit, they all have brain parasites. I'm so sick of that. Can we not have some good news? Like, do you understand how wonderful it is that Ignathrax is gone? Do you know that Ignathrax, how many children did he scorch? How many towns did he lay waste to? He was an asshole. He was a an asshole.

He was a fucking asshole. You ever read his sub stack? Total fascist piece of shit. And then the crimson, the crimson blades go in there and do what the crimson blades do. Take him out. And now they got to deal with these asshole nerds saying it's because of us fuck them fuck the Gilded Compass Honestly, I love to imagine the Gilded Compass fighting the the crimson plates it's like are you know what go ahead? Honestly, go ahead try to fight the crimson fucking blades the pen is mightier than the sword

Not when you're actually have a sword Not when someone has a fucking sword. You've got your little stupid fucking phoenix feather quilt What are you gonna do with that? What do you do with that? Let him fight. I say let him fight says here that a local baron is dispatch peacekeepers the region But fills fears the conflict could spiral into a full blown guild war. Let it. Let it. Honestly, let it. I don't want to. I don't.

Want anyone to get hurt, but honestly, this is a situation of like fuck around and find out. Scrawny ass guilded compass bitches. I'm surprised they could even hike up into the Dragon's Tooth Mountains. My parents sent me up there for vacation before the awakening of that horrific monster, Ignithrax, and uh, this is brutal out there. Beautiful, but brutal. Just, just exactly what it sounds like. Sharp stones everywhere, skeletons everywhere. Just a nice trip. But again, that was before Ignathrax awoke.

All right. Well, look, we have a little bit of time to chat. Anybody want to add anything here someone's asking where am i reading this from i'm reading it from it's uh the substack of scribe laurarius really great substack you want to see some of the super chats oh yeah let's look at the super chats and again thank you everyone for looking through your scrying orbs and black mirrors it means the world to me that you are watching the DTFH I bow to all the realms I bow to the sorcerers as I mentioned before and I'm not afraid you could easily say I'm fence-riding I bow to the wizards bow to the sorcerers bow to the clerics bow to the necromancers bow to the king That doesn't mean I'm fence-riding. I've had full respect for all of them. Don't want any trouble Britt thank you so much.

Martin, MXR, I'm gonna get to that because that answer is gonna take a little bit longer. Jordan J. Turner, thank you. Hello, Jordan from Chicago. Member for two months. It's hardcore. And Ethan Berger is asking, where am I reading this from? It's a sub stack. It's just one of the scribes. He's hardcore. And Ethan Berger is asking where am I reading this from? It's a sub stack. It's just

one of the scribes. He's great. You know, I don't like the slanted, you know... Look, I'll read you some news from one of the DTFH was brought to you by Minnesota Nice. Now listen, don't do it. Don't skip ahead. This is important. And I mean it. I've heard about Amanita muscaria mushrooms before, but I'd never tried them. You know me, I'm a fan of psychedelics, but I'm biased towards psilocybin. So when I heard about Amanita's, when I heard they're legal, I don't know.

I just overlooked it. Yeah, I've read the sacred mushroom and the cross. Yes, I've heard that amanita muscarias are something that can connect you with Christ consciousness. The druids used it. Surely the druids know what they're doing. The Christmas trees and the ornaments hanging off of them were actually to represent the druids drawing Amanitas. That Amanita Muscaria is a portal to a cosmic realm. Didn't believe it until my dear friends at Minnesota Nice sent me Amanita Mascaria gummies. Wow! May I reiterate, they're legal, man.

Here's some things I didn't know about Amanita Mascaria. I didn't know that people who were addicted to benzos have been using them to kick benzos, as in Xanax Valium. The devil spit dried into a tablet. It affects the GABA receptors, my favorite receptors. And meaning that is some sweet offering to humanity. We have psychoactive mushroom that also chills you out. Are you kidding me? Like, how did I not know about this?

I mean, I knew about it. I guess it's my own personal laziness. Minnesota Nice was founded by Christian Rasmussen. He used aminidam ascaria to break free from the benzodiazepine prison, a drug epidemic gripping this country where thousands are now turning to this mushroom to escape the clutches of these meds. It's the number one supplier of Amanita muscaria in the United States trusted by over 25,000 seekers who scoured the web and found the real deal. No fairy tales, just high quality products at an affordable price. I can confirm this.

I won't go into detail, but when I was in Waco, Texas, I stopped off at some, you know, head shop, is what we used to call it in the day, thinking that when I was picking up Amanita muscaria, it would be the same. Oh, no. Not the same. I don't know what I ate, but it wasn't the up Amanita muscaria it would be the same. Oh no, not the same. I don't know what I ate but it wasn't the incredible Amanita. I don't know what I ate in Waco but it sure as hell wasn't the incredible Amanita muscaria that Minnesota Nice is providing for us. Didn't feel like it at all. So there is a difference and Lord God Minnesota nice has dialed in

How to create incredible delicious? Amanita gummies Their Amanita muscaria capsules have 500 milligrams of raw powder each and they recommend starting with two to three capsules That's one to one point five grams to feel the effects within about an hour. You'll sink into a deep Otherworldly calm it lasts six to eight hours And you might just dream of dancing with a mad hatter or flying with Santa's reindeer Listen, they told me to say that I will I didn't none of that has happened to me on Ammonia And it certainly hasn't happened to me on psilocybin

But what did happen was I felt real calm and it had this nice, beautiful psychedelic quality to the calm. I fully endorsed them and I talked to Christian for at least two hours. I thought it would just be a quick call with a sponsor and I realized, whoa, this dude is so cool and truly believes in the power of Amanita to get the Benzo monkey off your back.

Got it off his. Minnesota Nice Ethnopotanicals wants to help you rediscover the magic of the world's most iconic mushroom go to m in dash nice dash Ethno botanicals calm and use code Duncan 20 for 20% off your forced order of aminita muscaria capsules That's m in dash nice ethno botanotanicals.com, code DuncanTwitty. Fuck, DuncanTwitty. That's mn-niceethnobotanicals.com, code DuncanTwitty.

Don't wait. The law of revelation is calling. Much love. Also, guys, there's gonna be a link. That is the craziest domain name I've ever heard. Christian, we gotta talk about that. There's gonna be a link. That is the craziest domain name I've ever heard. Christian, we got to talk about that. There's going to be a link. If you're driving, you're like, that's a seven word link.

Probably just Google Minnesota Nice. Go to YouTube. Go to dunkotrustle.com. You will find the link there. Click on it. Do yourself a favor. You know I would not passionately rave about something if I wasn't truly excited about it, and this stuff is wild.

He's an agenda-free scribe, which I prefer. Here we go. So this one's from Crystal News Network. Oppression in the minds, cobalt laborers strike against a world of creed demanding unsafe quotas, stone-fell depths, a courageous and this is slanted. This is what you're going to get if you go to the warped medium up a courageous and desperate act of defiance and is unfolding in the deep dangerous mithral mines of the stonefall depths the cobalt miners union representing thousands of exploited laborers is declared a general strike or refusing to work under a new royal decree issued by King Galfron's Ministry of Treasure

the decree demands a 20% increase in mithril extraction quotas a move which is Completely reasonable these days especially a move the union says is impossible to meet without disabling the most basic magical safety wards Shut the fuck up. You know the Kobolds have been mining long before most of the modern safety wards existed and they were fine Leading in certain injury or death for generations Kobolds and other quote lesser races have toiled in the kingdom's mines for subs see that's the quote The quote that's how they get you it's insidious lesser. I mean, it's a fucking cobalt It's a cobalt If you put it where was the last time you had to hang out with a cobalt never oh, dude So when I was a kid this is the last time I had to hang out with a fucking cobalt. Okay, I was going to

Visit my father after my parents divorce and You know he couldn't afford a Pegasus flight for me. So I had to take a caravan and I end up Sitting in a goddamn wagon next to a fucking cobalt, hammered, hammered on that shitty fucking booze they drink. It's made out of like those owl pellets with bones in it and they ferment that shit and piss and they mix it up with wasp stingers. And then they just, it's so stinks and he's fucking hammered. You can't understand what they're fucking saying.

Half the time they will piss into the caravan. They don't piss, at least stand up and piss off the fucking wagon dude. You know? He fell asleep on me. Piece of shit. I mean I'm sorry. Like I want every being in the kingdom and everything to be happy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But dude, like, I guess the Kobalds should like also become nobles. It's the kind of shit they would like. The latest decree is being called the blood for coin edict by the by the striking workers

I'll do it in cobalt voice The king and his noble lord sit in their gilded towers counting the gold that we dig with our claws said yicks a Cobalt Union organizer his, just you know what? Alright, then there's lots of other fucking kingdoms to go to. Lots of other mithril mines. I'm sure you're gonna get treated great in Vrindax. Go to Vrindax, they love kobolds! Go to Vrindax, those mithril mines are great, you're gonna have fun there. Go to Vrindax! Those Mithril mines are great. You're gonna have fun there.

They demand more Mithril for their wars and palaces, but it is our lives that pay them. Aaaaaah! Their life spans like what? Twelve years? They see us as disposable. We strike today to show them our lives have value, that our labor will not be indebted. The mines owner is a powerful consortium of dwarven lords with a deep connection to King Galvron's court. He condemned the strike as an illegal act of treason. They've already called upon the King's guards to break the picket lines in their unconfirmed

whispers of scabs being hired from goblin warrants. Why are you calling it a scab? Let's give the goblins some work. I mean, if you can get a goblin to work, then let him work. I'm a little curious. You can't call goblins lazy, man. I was, I mean, that's not what I was saying.

I'm not saying they're lazy. Did it sound like that's what I was saying? I'm just saying if you can get them to work, they're great workers. Get them to work. I mean, I've heard you could do it. I've heard you could teach hummingbirds to talk to. Solidarity protests are beginning to bubble up in the smithing districts of the capital as artisans and common laborers recognize the familiar sting of the crown's I hate this shit the familiar sting of the crown's boots And the insatiable greed of the ownership class. It's called the nobility. It's not the ownership. It's the nobility

It's pure bloodlines This isn't just about mithril. It's a desperate struggle for the very soul and safety of the working folk Against a callous profit prophet driven monarchy. You know what? Wasn't that long ago that a scribe would write this shit and it's like to the gallows, to the fucking gallows. But, and this speaks to our wonderful King's mercy, which do I think the mercy of King Galphron makes sense? It might be my only

criticism of our great King is how merciful he is to the scribes. What are your thoughts on that Josh? The King's mercy towards the scribes? I think the King just does it because he knows, you know, he wants the scribes? I think the king just does it because he knows, he wants the scribes to like him. And he's going to move in that direction when he can. Oh, so you think it's 4D chess. Yeah. Oh, there we go. See, this is why I don't, this is why I don't sometimes I get really

dismayed. Look at Jordan M. Hail Throth, the true king of scribes. Wow. Self-ban for the rest of your fucking life. Throth. Hail Throth, God of the Renegades. That's what you want, Jordan M? You wanna let the Renegades take control? You think that's gonna be, that'll be fun to live in a kingdom? Let's just do everything in a new way, says Jordan M. I could figure it out.

We'll just do everything new. We'll go against everything that has made our kingdom the most beautiful and powerful kingdom in the land. And just rewrite everything and I could do it. I'm Jordan M. Hail Thoth. I love the renegades. I'm sure they love you, Jordan M. Hail Froth. I love the renegades. I'm sure they love you, Jordan M.

Why don't you go out in the Belladonna Woods? Meet a renegade. I'm sure he'll love you, Jordan M. He'll love the way you smell when he's roasting your ass on a spit. Yes, they're cannibals. Yes, the renegades are cannibals.

No, that is not propaganda. The renegades are cannibals. No, that is not propaganda. The renegades are cannibals. The renegades eat the flesh of the nobility and they will eat your ass, literally Jordan M. And maybe in your last moments in one of their boiling pots you can go, hail Throff. They'll laugh. They'll laugh at you, and then they will eat you alive. What if we just took the good parts from Throff? Okay, so let me ask you, what's the good part of a shit sandwich? The top of the bread. Oh, it's been on the shit? Go ahead.

No, the top of the bread that's not on the shit. Okay, great. Then you know what? Next time I'm here, I'm gonna shit. I'm gonna make it, put a turd in a fucking sandwich and you can eat the top of the bread that's not on the shit. Okay, great. Then you know what? Next time I'm here, I'm gonna shit. I'm gonna make it, put a turd in a fucking sandwich and you can eat the top of the bread. You tried to make me do that before. Yeah, I did, to make a point. Go ahead, I'm gonna fucking shit in a sandwich. You can eat the top of the bread.

I don't like brioche. Hail throth. Go ahead. Nope. You've made a pact. We're gonna follow through with it. I'm starting to understand why you might be cursed You're a pack breaker. So yeah, I'm gonna shit on a bun and you can eat the top of the bread

Nice wet diarrhea shit to soak it through a little gravy for you So open-minded a little gravy for the open-minded cursed one Now I'll show you, and again, like I think I do veer more to the side of the warriors, but this is an example of bias from the scribes. You know, I wasn't always leaning towards the warriors. I'll tell you that. King's edict fortifies borders, shuts down unregulated Elfwood imports to protect Kingdom's loggers. In a decisive move to protect the Kingdom's economic sovereignty and preserve its cultural heritage, King Galfron today signed the

Eldoria First lumber edict, effectively halting the flood of cheap, untaxed lumber from the whispering Elfwood. The executive order is being held as a long overdue victory for the honest, hard-working loggers and artisans of the realm whose livelihoods have been decimated by unfair competition. Now, you know, again, like I do agree with this edict, but that being said, not all loggers are honest. You know, I've met a few shitty loggers. So I think, you know, this is the way this kind of, you know, kingdom propaganda will creep in. You know, it's not unbiased. For years, the Elven trading syndicates have exploited ancient lopsided packs to dump their magically grown lumber

into the kingdom's markets, undercutting local human and dwarven logging guilds. This has led to widespread unemployment in the timber rich provinces of the North. That is true. And a decline in traditional Eldorian carpentry, the best, carpentry by the way, replaced by flimsy Elven goods. Now there you go, flimsy Elven goods.

Yes, I've had cheap Elven bullshit. It does tend to break. And I don't have a lot of complaints about Eldorian carpentry, but that being said, there's Eldorian carpenters in my family. My father-in-law was an Eldorian carpenter. And, but that being said, you know, are all Elven goods flimsy? No, the elves, they, you know, they can make some pretty good stuff.

But critics in the royal court, primarily magic users from the wizard spire, who favor open realm policies have argued the move will increase costs for enchanting components and scroll making. However, supporters of the king have fired back stating that a small price increase is well worth paying to ensure the nation's self-sufficiency and to stop the erosion of its foundational industries and traditional values. It's hard to disagree with that. The edict, they argue, is a necessary step to reclaim El Doria's strength and put its own citizens above foreign interests.

So, you know, it slants both ways, which is why I prefer to go to non-bias scribes. Otherwise, you could get a little confused. Drummer Corey is asking, "'Where do the hobgoblins fit into this economy? They've been pushed out of every economy. Listen, man I'm friends with some hobgoblins and I you know, I Don't want to seem

Anti-hobgoblin But uh, you know, I think they could make more of an effort to speak our language here. You know, that's all. You're in Eldoria. Like, speak Eldorian. You know, the way that Hobgoblins talk is like, it's just unnerving. Especially at night. And it calls cats, which is weird.

No one understands that, but you know, no offense, I love cats, but I don't like 30 cats. So you start hearing that clicking, thrumming of a hobgoblin and then there's cats everywhere. It's fucking weird, freaks out my kids. My kid's allergic to cats. So it'd be nice if they spoke Aldorian, but we don't say that B3AT, hobgoblins are pretty much gypsies. So it'd be nice if they spoke Aldorian, but um

We don't say that be 380 hobgoblins are pretty much gypsy won't say that Hobgoblins are travelers. They travel in caravans and You know, they make great food. I like I'll eat a hobgoblin stew They're funny, you know, but You're in Aldoria, you're in Eldoria. Learn Eldorian. Um... Over, under, money, lines, same game, polys, it's all fine. You put a smile on your face. Bet on the sports you love with Bet River Sportsbook.

Take a chance! Must be 19 plus, available in Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Wow, thank you. Cody Cole is saying I look fantastic keep up the good work Well, I must tell you this is because I've been taking the droughts of Ozempic Thank you for that. I mean also a tremendous. Thank you to the clerics guild Creating this brand new drought. It's incredible. You know, I of my curses, of course, was the curse of the sugar.

And it's my fault. I went into a fairy circle, not supposed to do that. And it was a full moon and a fairy appeared and damn. Like, damn. Let me just say that was the most exquisite fairy I'd ever seen in my life. And no, they're not tiny. Some of them can expand to the size of a human. And I just could not say no.

And a lot of people say, well, that's why you don't go in the circles. They're magical. They lure you in. But. Like this was a 10 Way out of my league. And you know, when I came out of that fairy circle, years had passed. I gained 30 pounds. I had to pee like all night long. Like it basically was a fountain of piss. And I, you know, and I felt what are you going to say? Everyone says, yeah, you decide to bang a fairy, go in the fairy circle. You're going to, you're just going to fuck you up. You're going to gain weight. You're going to have to sleep all the time. They've drained your energy. It's not worth

it. But isn't it? It's hard for me to say it wasn't! I mean, we are talking, like, fairy squirt is so sweet. And they are squirters. They just, it's like, the closest thing I can compare it to is, like, imagine, like, being in a tavern and, like, someone's just pouring mead into your mouth. Just pouring and pouring while they're blowing you. That's what it's like to fuck a fairy. And yeah, gained a bunch of weight, got the curse of the sugars. And you know, this ozempic drought, this potion is a miracle.

It's one of the new miracle potions. It's out right now. You know, it seems to have not completely eradicated the curse. They say that this is a permacurse. Maybe not. The elves are working apparently on potentially something that could eradicate the curse completely, but yeah, I mean my my A1C is almost normal now, so You know there are good potions out there, and I just want to say this a lot of people get real judgy because people who don't have the curse of the sugars are using this potion and the way I see it is You know there's all kinds of curses out there

just because they didn't fuck a fairy doesn't mean that they shouldn't have access to the potion there's they make plenty of it you could fight like I think anyone who has any kind of curse curse of bloating curse of the swollen curse of the Night King. A lot of people have that. You know, and blaming someone with a swollen curse of the Night King and saying, well, why did you eat the Night King's garbage? It's like, now they're finding out that the Night King's garbage has a hypnotic spell on it that like actually, like once you eat one piece of the night king's garbage

it could rewire your brain completely and and so it's not like they actually have control that people think they have over eating the night king's garbage which is delicious by the way some people can eat the night king's garbage some people can just eat one slice of night king soil one slice of Night King soil. Some people have to eat the whole fucking patty. You know, so I think anybody using this potion should, I think the potion should be accessible for everybody. I guess that's where I kind of veer more towards the,

I hate to say it, the renegades. Like, I do think some potions should be, should not cost gold. I will say that. But don't your bones start to wilt after a while? Your eyeballs can fall out from the potion, but that is very rare. Any other questions, guys, regarding the news or anything you want to talk about? Got to get out of here in a second. the news or anything you want to talk about. Gotta get out of here in a second.

Eagle Condor is asking, did you see now? Okay. I didn't see anything confirming Taylor Swift Dragon's TMZ. All right, hang on. Hold on a second. I'm not going to, I don't like that scribe. I have a better one. Let me see. I do go to a nobility rag. The immortal melody is beloved Bard, Taylor Swift, a creature of the night.

Luthien, the city of silver strings and unsettling theory whispered for years in the shadow back alleys of the Bardic colleges, has erupted into the public sphere, casting a dark pall over the world's most celebrated songstress. A controversial new scroll penned by the occult investigator and former music critic Zang Helsing presents a chilling case that the beloved Bard, Taylor Swift, is not merely a gifted mortal, but an ancient vampire. The scroll, titled The Blank Parchment points to the Bard's impossibly long and consistently successful career as its primary evidence. She's talented. No mere mortal can remain at the apex of musical influence for a century,

Van Kelsing writes. Styles change, voices wither. He's such a fucking bitch. And yet Taylor Swift's, I mean, I am grateful to the work he did in defeating actual vampires. It just feels like he's kind of like ever since the cleric skilled cast the sunlight spell into the tombs of the kingdom, there's been no more vampires. And now he's going after the bards. Style change, voices wither, and yet Swift's power only grows. She does not age. She merely enters new eras, shedding old skin like a serpent. Her face, a timeless porcelain mask Someone's got a crush

Furthermore the scroll analyzes the Bard's extensive discography Reframing her famous ballads of love and loss is something far more sinister Van Calsing posits that the long list of spurned lovers and rivals in her songs are not really artistic muses But a meticulously documented list of past victims and thralls. Their life force and stories consume to fuel her eternal youth and creative power. Her recent project of re-record- recording her old album is presented not as an act of artistic integrity, but as a vampire reclaiming ancient domains and reasserting her dark influence over past territories." Dude, I'm sorry. I mean, it's like, I think, I have bards I like, Taylor's which is not my favorite bard, but I don't buy into the, I do think we have defeated the vampires. I don't think, there are no more vampires. There were, they're gone. So. I don't know, just feels like kind of

like misinformation. Seems like a warped scroll. Doesn't seem real. And yeah, it seems like jealousy. Thank you, Al. It seems like he's got a crush. Like, and I know he was spurned by her. I know that firsthand.

Like, apparently they went on a date and she thought he was a dick, which he is. He like he brought The steak that he drove into the heart of the vampire Lord to their first date like gross Nobody wants to see that like we know what you did relax so I Don't think she's a vampire You know, she's nobility She is nobility. She's...

What's the name of that duke? She's... What's the name of that duke she's, uh... Hopping around with? Kelsey? Yeah, Duke Kelsey. You know? I mean, look. I mean, I think people say it seems weird that a bard is with a duke.

You know, dukes aren't exactly like Artistic and apparently the Duke Kelsey has a problem reading But I mean we don't need our dukes to read we need them to lead not read so Yeah, I don't know. I think I Also, I don't think Duke Kelsey is gonna Why would Duke Kelsey?

Like Why would Duke Kelsey carry on with a vampire? I Mean the implication of that would be that like the vampires are like trying to gain control of the kingdom again I don't think that's happening Not to be a not to rain on your paranoid parade, but yeah. Any other questions out there? We got to wrap this thing up. As we start winding down, I do want to say,

I want to say, I hope you all enjoy the Fourth of July. It represents more than just fireworks. It represents all the great warriors, knights, clerics, warlocks, sorcerers, scribes who overthrew the cruel reign of Lord Danvers, through the cruel reign of Lord Danvis who had the courage to do what no one thought could happen. You know, we were once we were once a loosely incorporated group of city-states and we became a United kingdom because of what they did and the people who followed after. And whereas other kingdoms to this day have kings that do not carry the people in their heart, as testament to these great clerics, sorcerers, warlocks, scribes, and even bards of the past, we have King Gelfron, the great noble king.

And it makes me happy to know that Gelfron is at the helm. Gelfron, who recently was not afraid to send magic missiles far over the sea, we thought that would awake the sleeping dragon, and some say, why do you think it isn't awake? Why do you think it won't wake up? What, actually, what the fuck are you thinking? You think dragons just wake up at once, like people do? They take sometimes decades to wake.

I think that's just the kind of talk that renegades like to spread, especially during the Fourth of talk that that renegades like to spread especially during the 4th of July so that we don't enjoy the incredible pyrotechnics of the Sorcerers that will fill our beautiful skies and so I Want to say to all of you out there on the front lines of magical Metaphysical hyperdimensional interstellar, solar, galactic, and dream wars. Especially those of you right now who are fighting in the dream realm of the nightmare

whisperer. My heart is with you. Thank you for all that you do. Thank you for all that you do. Thank you for your service. And to the renegades, well let's just say I've got some information that didn't come from one of these bullshit scribes. Things are about to change in the kingdom.

So maybe you better get your last bowls of nobility flesh and fill your putrid bellies with with with the flesh of your own species and head on out find yourself a nice deep mithril mine to climb into go down there and have your dark orgies and spread your lies in some other kingdom because your time has come in some other kingdom because your time has come. Happy Fourth of July to all of you. Long live the king. When you want to bet on sports, played on a field or ice or courts, Bet Rivers is the

place. Over, under, money, lines, same game, polys, it's all fine. You put a smile on your face. Bet on the sports you love with Bet River Sportsbook. Take a chance! Must be 19 plus, available in Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you,

please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge.