Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 699: Humanity Juicers
Episode Date: July 13, 2025At least with traditional vampirism you have a handsome vampire gnawing on your neck. It's as simple as hanging drywall! Oregon family! Duncan is coming to Olsen Run Comedy Club & Lounge, July 24...-26. Get your tickets now. Thank you, and we love you!! This episode is brought to you by: Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, Squarespace.com/DUNCAN to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Try your first month of BlueChew FREE. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information.
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Welcome to you. It's me, D. Trucelle, and you are listening or watching the
Doug Atrusel Family Hour podcast. The podcast that the United Nations calls the potentially
only way to world peace in this fractured age. I want to thank the United Nations so much for
inviting me to be a non-official member nation.
I will not be part of the United Nations.
And
the reason is simple. The name itself implies
there are nations. The name itself
changed the world to an outdated paradigm.
A conceptualization of planetary interdependency that allows for hierarchical, generally patriarchal
power structures to exploit labor, to juice what's left of humanity for its life energy. It's even worse than classic
vampirism because at least in classic vampirism you got a handsome vampire
sucking on your juggler vein. In this case you have a decentralized, centralized, modular, ambiguous, difficult to identify, squishy, amoeba-like, liminal
egregore, feasting on humanity itself.
Don't go calling me a communist.
All forms of identification that single out this or that
which benefit
Something up the chain from you
The whole reason that we have to have a fucking United Nations
You want to know why there's a right because there's a left you want to know why there's a left because there's a right
So what is the answer? I have no idea. That's the truth. Honestly, I wasn't invited to join the United Nations. I just said that. That was a lie.
That was misinformation. I don't know anyone who works at the United Nations. And I'm honestly unclear about what it is exactly,
other than it appears to be some form
of United Nations situation.
I do look at the people in suits when they talk
and I feel a general uneasy sense of things.
I wonder if they actually reflect what people are like.
Pretty sure that's not what we're like,
all stiff and fucked up in a stupid suit,
yapping about bullshit.
I'm pretty sure most of us aren't like,
worrying over diamond mines.
Pretty sure most of us aren't worried about rare minerals.
Pretty sure most of us aren't like worried about getting high tech satellites to monitor
our people.
But hey, most of us, I guess are dumb.
Is that what they think people?
Look, our job isn't to figure out the big picture anyway, is it?
Is that the job? Figure out the big picture?
Jesus Christ, isn't that another trap? If there is some liminal egregore
for the sake of this podcast, we won't call it Satan, let's just call it
Old Smokey. If there is some liminal egregore that lives in the interconnected This podcast we won't call it Satan. Let's just call it old smoky
If there is some liminal egregore that lives in the inner connected in between spaces
in between people
Isn't just another of its
brilliant trickeries to get
Us the individual to actually think we're to come up with some world peace plan.
Isn't that the idea?
Because the moment you start thinking about a world peace plan, you're already an idiot.
I mean, it's just you're a fool.
It's like me thinking I'm going to put up drywall.
It's like me thinking I'm going to do some kind of construction job at my house.
It's not gonna happen.
Some part of me thinks if I go on YouTube and look up how to put up drywall, rent a truck,
theoretically, I think I could put up drywall.
I watch the videos, some asshole,
some lady with a sledgehammer smashes her wall in,
and then it cuts to like a beautiful wood paneled wall.
Some asshole goes in
their bathroom smashes up the tiles, cuts to like a beautiful set of brand new
tiles. You see the in between it looks fun you get a little I don't know
sticky shit and glue and slap down some new tiles that you got at Home Depot. How
hard can that be? But I know that if I began to engage with any of those activities within 10 to 15 minutes,
I would have done something so wrong
that wasn't in the videos.
Something you're supposed to know
before you start putting tile down.
Something that they felt like,
we don't need to mention the lethargon prayer
you're supposed to say.
Tentacles will start sprouting up from my bad tile work
or some kind of greenish mist will emerge.
I'll go blind, the family will go blind,
the house will burn down, we'll all get possessed.
So similarly, you're not gonna do though,
you're not gonna come up with some general plan
for world fucking peace.
It's not gonna happen.
That doesn't mean that world peace isn't possible.
It just means that probably most of us are,
if you, we're too dumb individually,
it's not gonna happen.
And if we're going to use the idea of old Smokey
and Egregor, it's got lots of different names.
It shows up in all the world mythologies,
Old Smokey. Buddha's about to get enlightened, Old Smokey appears and freaks him out. Jesus
out in the desert, Old Smokey appears, freaks him out. Old Smokey shows up. It's the initiation.
Now I don't want to get all gnostic on your ass, but I think it's safe to say if we're going
to believe in God, some divine source principle, then everything's downstream from that.
So Old Smoky's an appendage of God.
It's like the final exam in some fucking weird ass class.
So first, it's probably a good idea to understand how does the exam work?
As above so below. It doesn't just show up when you're about to get enlightened, it shows up
when you're feeling that boiling bubbling dark thing inside you right before you do something stupid right before you do your stupid thing that always leads to stupid results
That's a mini version of it. You're not about to get enlightened or anything
But you're definitely about to make an ass of yourself at the office party
You're definitely about to try to like I don't know flex your biceps or something in front of your boss
flex your biceps or something in front of your boss.
You're definitely about to like, I don't know, glaze somebody you want to like you.
You're definitely about to do something dumb.
You can always feel it.
There's a proceeding feeling and then boom,
you embarrass yourself.
And then after you embarrass yourself,
the exact same shit happens.
It always happens.
The room gets quiet.
People like shrug. You get that sense of like, man it
seems like people don't like me. It's not they don't like you, it's just like
whatever the weird habitual behavior pattern is that you got locked into,
probably over multiple incarnations, is just doing its old thing. Like some poor maladapted beetle spraying stink in everybody's eyes.
So
the contemplation of world peace is what we're talking about here today, friends. You got to like talk about it. It's important.
We need it. We should try to get it in the next few months.
Why? That's the first question.
Well, the first question is, is it even fucking possible?
And then before that, it's like, well, what's your definition of world peace?
So first, the obvious, I'm going to set the bar pretty low for world peace.
Which will be no wars.
We're just going to go there. Low, low fucking bar. I think there's probably better versions
of world peace. No people murdering each other, no stealing, the lion lays down with the lamb,
which really would kind of disrupt the biome if you think about it. There'd be a problem
with the lion laying down with the lamb that we hear about is it's like okay so number one when I see videos of lions
they're not even hunting lambs they're eating gazelle so how did this fucking lion even get
around your stupid lamb like maybe your problem is you got lions on your lamb farm maybe you
shouldn't have that why are there? Why isn't there a fence?
I don't know, it's rare to see wild lambs.
I guess this was a problem back in the day.
There was lions and shepherds and shit
and the lion would just eat your fucking lamb.
That's what they were talking about.
But let's just say the lion lays down with a gazelle.
That's gonna be a problem.
The lion, I'm gonna think, is sick.
The gazelle is not gonna feel relaxed.
And you're gonna end up with way too many gazelle.
And then disease outbreaks and essentially, like,
what's gonna happen? Somebody's gonna have to go out there
and kill the gazelle anyway, or kill the lions
who are now starving, or what?
You go out and like feed them vegetarian food?
I don't understand.
So what we're not talking about that version of world peace.
Swords into plowshares, I don't know about that either.
I mean, decorative swords are pretty cool.
We all know that
We all know in a recent study by Harvard University
The top three things that women are looking for when they go to your house are a decorative sword That's number one top of the list
100% of women
Say that they want a man with a decorative sword and
say that they want a man with a decorative sword and if they had their preference,
the decorative sword would be sharp.
Not like one of those fake ass decorative swords.
They want a razor-sharp samurai-style sword.
So I think it would be a shame to disrupt the human
like mating process by getting rid of the number one way
that men attract women across the planet,
which is a cool ass decorative sword.
Ladies fucking love it.
They get wet.
Ladies out there, I bet even right now,
hearing me talk about decorative swords,
you're just like, mm, just picturing that first date.
You go to some dude's house.
Yeah, you notice that they appear to have
a limited edition Pokemon PlayStation.
Like, how do they even get that?
Or maybe you notice that they've got
that cool fallout Pip-Boy.
You are going to notice like their comic book collection,
you're going to notice that,
is that like photo albums filled with Magic the Gathering
cards well organized while taking care of?
And that's gonna get you kind of like,
oh my God, I don't wanna get excited,
but I think this is the one.
But then you look around, no decorative sort.
And I go, fuck, fuck, oh, he's so close.
But when those things combine,
it is lightning in a bottle.
And then lovemaking will ensue.
Honestly, look, I don't, you know, as a guy,
the last thing a lady needs is like more guys
mansplain into them.
You guys got it all figured out.
You don't need any help.
We all understand that.
But I do just, on behalf of all men,
I think you guys need to relax a little bit
when you see that decorative sword.
Because I have friends who have been like,
basically like savaged by women.
And they weren't into humping that night.
You know, they just wanted to hang out, maybe play some Baldur's Gate, show you some builds
they're working on on their characters.
And then you're just like, face sitting them.
And how do you, how do you say no?
How do you consent when somebody's smothering you?
You can't. And you confuse their tap-outs with like they're enjoying it.
So just, you know, I think, you know,
it would be nice to sort of, look, I get it.
We're talking about primordial forces here.
We're talking about the very same forces
that caused the planets to coalesce.
We're talking about the very same forces that caused the planets to coalesce. We're talking about the very same forces that
caused the particles floating to combine, to clump, to grow, to expand, to gain mass, to
create gravity, to inevitably create the planet that we're all living on. When you see that
decorative sword, it's like being sucked into the river of your
ancestors. You are about to make life. I get it, but you just have to hold for a moment
and say, do you mind if I ride you like Jesus riding a donkey?
Do you mind if I ride you like Jesus on Palm Sunday riding that donkey?
Do you mind if I ride you into the gates of paradise?
And then if they say no, you're going to just go take like go to splash cold water on your face.
You know, most ladies you have manners and I and we all appreciate that.
I listen, I'm not going to get into the whole trauma trap.
Everyone loves talking about trauma and all that bullshit, but uh, and I've been in therapy.
But I remember the first time it happened to me. First time it happened to me.
I remember the first time it happened to me. First time it happened to me.
Like we're talking like this woman was so exquisite.
She was a Russian, I will not name names,
but she was a famous Russian ballerina.
She was in town.
She liked my podcast.
And you know, I get the DMs, slid into my DMs.
That's cool. I'm like, yeah, sure, you can come over.
But you know, I was, I did say, hey, but we're just going to like,
in those days I was not playing, I don't think Bowdersgate had come out.
Then I think I was playing cyberpunk. And I was having problems. I'm like, look, you can come over and help me was playing cyberpunk.
And I was having problems.
I'm like, look, you can come over and help me.
Like with cyberpunk, this is early gen cyberpunk.
It had a lot of glitches.
I'm like, but I'm not gonna be paying much attention to you.
I'm kind of into the game, but you're welcome to come over.
And she's like, thank you so much.
I'd love to come over.
I mean, we're talking, this is like,
this is is like,
let's just say this is the lady that broke Putin's heart. I'll leave it at that.
And so yeah, she comes over, open the door.
Hey, welcome, come on in.
Do you want some tap water?
And she scans the apartment, notices my like unopened magic,
the gathering cards, because I just ordered a box set
and I was saving opening them
for when my ketamine dealer got more ketamine.
And then, damn it, she looked up and saw that sword.
And just, this is a ballerina.
So this isn't like your standard lady.
This is a woman who could easily crush watermelons
between her thighs.
This is a woman who, who like probably if you see those
videos where they use the um I don't know trash compressors and stuff,
my kids love watching that, uh this is I imagine that she could probably I'm not saying she could
make a diamond out of coal, but like she could definitely,
I think, fuse metal. I don't know. I'm not being hyperbolic. Like ballerinas having, like they're just incredibly strong. Their thigh strength is unprecedented. And so she, also they can jump,
they leap, they're pirouette. And it was just, I didn't even know it hit me, man. I just was like
And it was just, I didn't even know it hit me, man. I just was like standing and then the next thing I know,
she's just riding my face.
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And I did say it like that.
I did lower my voice. And like, I can breathe, but ballerinas, they can actually, and I'm not going to use the kweef word, I hate that word. But they can channel air down through their circulatory system, through their nether regions,
that is just air.
Not like body, like, I don't know, gastric, whatever comes from kweef.
I guess you could argue that is air, but the point is, it's very pure, clean air.
Like when you get oxygen at the hospital and they can alter it
the type of air so they she was like changing the molecular structure of the
Queef loft, I guess we'll call it which is a Russian term for ballerina air
into
nitrous oxide
Essentially sedating me now. I love nitrous, don't get me wrong.
And I've never been opposed to someone writing my face.
But I also love consent, friends, and that wasn't there.
Was there like very pure nitrous oxide
coming out of this beautiful ballerinas, nether regions?
Did there appear to be mixed in with the nitrous oxide
a kind of like minty flavor? It reminded me a little bit of like really fancy gum. Yeah. So could I breathe? Did I have to like even do the thing where I
pull my head to the side and gasp for air? No. And was the nitrous soothing me,
calming me? Was the nitrous sort of opening up what appeared to be, I don't
know, a portal within which I could see the grand fabric of time and space.
I could see the ballerina was not an individual, but an appendage of infinity
sent to me to teach me the interconnected nature of all things.
Yes, within the incredible grid that appeared around me,
almost a kind of glowing honeycomb of light.
Did I see my past lives? Did I see my ancestors?
Did it all make sense for a brief moment? All of it.
A kind of grand and beautiful experiment conducted by an invisible architect
within which we are all participating,
within which we all must find a way to
alchemize love from all phenomena.
And much like the bee gathers pollen to turn it into honey,
we gather disparate phenomena
and convert that into love at our very best.
We offer that to those around us in any way that we can.
From that over time, it will open up our entire species to a brand new consciousness.
And that this process has been going on throughout the universe for an inconceivable amount of time.
For reasons that maybe we can't quite understand yet.
Yes, I did see that.
And did she squirt right away?
Yes.
Right away.
And is squirt P?
I don't care, but this wasn't.
Whatever this was, was like, imagine,
imagine an ancient forest.
Now imagine a part of that ancient forest that,
like a grove, pure, clean, the air,
the air, like air that isn't even on the planet anymore.
Like the air of the ancients, I guess you could say, which is the, I actually, that's the air freshener I use in my car.
Air of the ancients. It smells great.
I mean, at first it makes your eyes water. It's really powerful.
And like, I don't buy into the shit
that it's got a neurotoxin in it
that I read on one of my car forums,
but it reminded me, it's like,
think of the air of the ancients,
not the air freshener, like what the air freshener
is based on, I'm assuming that it's based on,
like this is what ancient air used to be like.
And now imagine in this magical grove,
And now imagine in this magical grove, a spring bubbling up from moss covered stones. Imagine the sound of that water, playful, almost like the laughing of that Grove water
Refreshing in a way that you've never experienced before
You could feel your atoms vibrating with every sip. This is the water that the Druids
drank
Prior to rituals. This is the water of the Druids drank prior to rituals.
This is the water of healing, the water of life.
The water of life.
And she squirted that into me and into my mouth,
into my nose.
And I really believe in ancient times,
humans could breathe underwater
that we weren't cast out of the ocean. I think
that ocean is the Garden of Eden in the Bible and that we were cast from the ocean onto
land. So this is like that time in the Garden of Eden when Adam swam through the garden, breathing the water, clean and pure.
I knew this, by the way.
It wasn't like I just thought this as I was laying there.
Like I knew it, the water tells a story.
The water holds data and energy and I knew it.
I could see Adam and Eve swimming through coral reefs,
swimming towards underwater fruit trees.
And I saw the serpent, the Leviathan.
I saw that trickster.
And then she clamped her leg so hard on my head
that I think normally it would have smashed my skull
and my brains would have sprayed out
all over my apartment.
But this is a professional, this is a ballerina.
So she knew exactly the amount of pressure to exert
to keep my brains from shooting out of my head,
like that horrible video I saw,
the guy getting run over by a tank.
And that pressure, I think,
it reconfigured my energy body.
Like I needed it.
It was like a chiropractic adjustment or something,
like I fell off my bike when I was a kid
and woke up in the hospital
and I guess there was still some residual damage there.
But it didn't just fix my skull, it fixed my soul.
So she healed me.
She healed me.
But I didn't consent.
I did not consent to this.
And when she had used herself completely on me,
when she had squirted and moaned and squirted and moaned,
which felt like a million years,
somehow because she's a ballerina,
pleasuring me, bending backwards,
causing, inducing, I guess you could say,
just multiple orgasms,
which I've never even experienced that before.
A combination of prostate massage and milking me,
milk, milk, milk.
When she was done and leapt off, did a back flip,
landed perfectly on her feet, quietly, daintily, and smiled
at me.
I was crying.
I was happy.
I was healed.
You know, after, when I went to the doctor for a checkup, he said, you've reversed age
by 15 years.
What did you do?
But there was no consent. There was no consent.
There was no consent and I was weeping and I said, out, just get out of here.
Get out of my house.
And she's like, I healed you.
What?
My squirt heals.
What about the nitrous?
The queefs.
And I said, you think that makes it better?
Is that what you say to all the dudes you do this to?
You expect me to just ignore what just happened?
Go, maybe things are different in Russia.
This is the United States and we get consent.
Go.
She slapped me hard, thrushing.
I'm not gonna say what she called me,
but especially this month,
it's not the kind of word you wanna throw around.
I will say what she said before, the other F word,
she said cuck.
And then she just stormed out,
leaving me to clean it all up.
I had to get the couch cleaned.
Took it to an upholsterer.
He said, is this ballerina squirt?
I'm like, yeah.
So what?
He's like, you're so lucky.
You know that heals you, right?
You know that shows you the architecture of the universe.
You know that will completely adjust you, take 15 years off your life, heal you completely, heal your soul.
And it goes back 10 generations, heals your ancestors' karma. Any of them in hell immediately go to heaven.
And I said, yeah.
And he's like, why do you seem like such a cuck effort?
And I said, because let me tell you, here's the C word.
It's called consent.
Well, yeah, he said, I'm not going to just get out of here.
And I'm like, what about my fucking couch, dude?
He's like, what about it?
You gonna, what are you gonna do?
He was ripped, he was huge, he like,
lifted weights a lot, I guess, or whatever.
He's like, what are you gonna do?
Carry it out of here yourself, you pussy.
And he threw me down on that couch.
He threw me down on that couch.
Now if you've ever been ridden by an upholsterer, you know what it's like.
You know, it's a very different experience than like a ballerina, but there's a lot of similarities,
a different mechanism of administering oxygen, I guess you could say.
And obviously it's YouTube, I can't go into great detail here.
But I will say this, like, when he exploded, I don't know if you've ever taken a super soaker and shot it into your mouth.
You've done that, Josh?
No.
It's dangerous.
Yeah.
You shouldn't.
Powerful.
Like imagine if you had gone to the Fountain of Youth with a super soaker, filled it up.
It was like that, I guess you could say,
just a rocket blast.
And yeah, up until that point I had scoliosis.
And so I stumble out of there, I'm pissed, I had scoliosis. And so, you know, I stumble out of there.
I'm pissed.
I'm weeping now.
And I went to my chiropractor.
And he's like, this is incredible.
This is incredible.
Your scoliosis is gone.
Like, you don't, you don't need me anymore.
He's like, did an upholsterer ride your faith?
Because I've only seen that.
And I'm like, I'm like, yeah, he did.
But he didn't ask for consent.
He just used me, man.
Getting passed around from ballerinas to upholsterers around here.
What about my heart?
He's like, well, based on a conversation I had with your doctor,
your heart is reversed to age by 15 years. So yeah, I'm like, it's not about that,
man! Where is the age of chivalry? What happened to romance? He slapped me.
And this, you know what happened. Threw me down on his table.
I'm sorry that happened to you Duncan.
Thank you Josh.
It feels good to get it off my chest.
I mean, that's what I said to him.
Feels good to get this off my chest
because the amount of, again, I can't use the terms,
but what, you know, chiropractors,
they're, how do we say it?
I don't know what you could say on YouTube,
but let's say they're a fluvia.
It's different.
It's like molasses.
You know, this is another way that they make money
is that they actually, they freeze dry it
and sell little cubes of it.
And it's heavy, but it's heavy.
It's got a density that doesn't make sense.
That's what Stephen Hawking said.
It's like the density of a chiropractor's effluvia
makes no sense.
It's just so heavy.
It's like, what is it?
They've analyzed it.
It seems to just be the normal kind of,
can you, I don't know if you can say jizz on YouTube,
but it seems to be the normal kind of, I don't know if you can say jizz on YouTube, but it seems to be the normal kind of spray.
Don't know.
All I know is that was a rough week for me,
but I did reverse age 15 years.
My scoliosis was healed,
and I was able to sell what the chiropractor
deposited on my chest for $200,000 because it's worth that much.
It's hard to get that much.
So I was financially restored, spiritually restored, physically restored.
But there was a vacuum in me for a long time because of the method.
They didn't ask.
So please, ladies, please, just remember this story the next time you see that sword mounted on a wall.
And just, you know, nine times out of ten, we're going to be like, sure, unless we're doing like, I don't know, like a speed run.
Like if we're, if I'm in the middle of a speed run, no, just wait. But nine times out of ten,
a man, even if he doesn't want to. And just so you know, ladies, I know you think we're all like
horn dogs or whatever, but that is not the case.
Just because you're a beautiful ballerina
or a strapping upholsterer or whatever, you know?
Just because you're way out of my league or whatever, you know?
I prioritize other things above sex.
That's called growing up.
And also part of growing up is just an attitude of gratitude.
An attitude of gratitude. And so many times when I've been used in that way,
I don't feel a lot of gratitude. And this is a conversation I've had with my dominatrix. And
I'll say to her, where's your gratitude?
Why don't you ever thank me for this? And then that's a bad afternoon.
She never likes that and ouch.
I can barely sit down right now, Josh.
Did you see me cry when I sat down when I came in here?
I figured that's why you're wearing glasses.
Yeah, oh, she fucking knocked me around.
It's like all I want is a little bit of gratitude.
And she's like, are you...
Oh, the baby wants me to be grateful that I have to change her fucking diaper.
And then it's just...
Off to the races.
And I pay for that shit.
I support her, basically.
Delete this, if she sees this, she'll, I'm fucked.
For the next session, please delete this.
You can leave the other stuff.
Delete the dominatrix part.
She will fuck me up.
I can't do it, I'm an old man now.
I don't have the physical capacity to endure the pegings.
Not to victim blame of what you went through
because what you went through was real.
Here we go!
No, I'm just saying,
maybe if you didn't unsheathe your sword so much,
that wouldn't happen to you.
Are you really saying that?
I mean-
Are you really saying that?
I'm just-
You believe that?
It's-
Oh, so it's on me, huh?
Oh, it's my fault because I unsheathe the sword
Three times Duncan three times. Oh, it's my fault because I showed her the
Wondering to rule them all inscription on the sword
Yeah, a little bit. Listen it is you are blaming. You are wrong. I don't care
You know, I don't care if I had uh, luke skywalker's
Actual lightsaber like from the actual star wars universe. I don't care if I had darth maul's
double
Lightsaber just ask
Probably if i'm showing you my display sword, I'm interested in you.
Probably but maybe not.
Maybe I'm just, you know, think you should see it.
But that is never a reason to do that to a man.
And you know, I'm sure there's so many gentlemen watching
this right now who agree with me, who've gone through this very same thing. We hate it.
Nothing a man hates more than that moment of just the well-groomed, scented, in the
positive, trained, you know.
People are agreeing with me right now.
Well, they're wrong.
Okay.
Fundamentally wrong.
Anyone who agrees with Josh, self-ban, he is totally wrong.
Now, let's get back to world peace.
The core of today's episode.
You're not going to get there by yourself.
See this messianic bullshit.
This is what's causing all the problems.
It's not a good look.
Anytime anyone tries to go Messiah, it's not a good look. Anytime anyone tries to go Messiah, it's not a good look.
And there's so many of these little mini-Messiahs out there trying to save the fucking world
all on their own.
I'm not going to list the names.
You know I'm talking about.
They're out there, left and right.
They're crazy ideas.
And it's great to want to save the world but you're not doing it alone.
And especially if you want the credit and shit.
What do you think you're Mwadib?
You want to be the Kwisat Haderak?
It's not going to happen.
It doesn't work like that.
This possibility of world peace is real.
That's the problem.
If only it wasn't.
If you believe world peace is possible, you are so fucked.
You join a group of the most fucked people ever.
Because if you think world peace is possible, meaning there could be a time where children Where children aren't crawling through rubble.
Where parents aren't holding the bodies of their young.
Where smoke doesn't rise from the air and the kids have no idea what an air raid siren is.
If you think that future is possible,
and you're not doing anything to get us towards that place.
Then you, my friend, are a real piece of shit.
Now, I'm not saying you need to get out there and you're not a piece of shit anymore.
I'm not a piece of shit.
So many, unless fucking being addicted to Bowders Gate stops all wars. I don't think it does.
God, that'd be great.
If there was some direct connection to Baldur's Gate in the end of all war.
Holy shit.
Ah, that'd be great.
I guess if everyone on the planet was playing Baldur's Gate, there wouldn't be any more
war.
But I don't think that's going to happen.
I shouldn't have called this a piece of I don't think that's gonna happen.
I shouldn't have called this a piece of shit, because that's me talking to me.
It just creates a little bit of a little sand
in the oyster, doesn't it?
You don't get to like be some, you know, passive
bitch if you think that.
Like, I'm not saying I was being a passive bitch when I got this
for the story I just told, but yeah, sure. Maybe it would have been nice if I participated
even though standard consent wasn't issued. Maybe it would have been nice if I did more
than writhe around and moan. Are we really going to let old Smokey ride our faces into the apocalypse?
Are we gonna lay on the couch of time with some liminal initiatory agregore face fucking
us while we ride around like little bitches?
Is that how we're gonna go out? Gonna believe the stories by end of the fashionable cynicism, skepticism, accelerationism being
preached at us by people who look like they have no testosterone or vegetables in their body?
I don't think so.
There's gotta be another way.
Gotta ask the question at least,
what could I be doing that I'm not?
There's gotta be something I could be doing right now,
other than writhing around, moaning.
Yeah, she didn't ask consent, but she's a human.
There's probably something I could be doing.
But what? Now that they've proven there is no such thing as a clitoris.
You know that's not true. You should read my book, The Myth of the Clitoris.
It's a lie.
Formulated by the CIA.
It's a lie. Formulated by the CIA.
There's that one group that helps with world peace a lot that I've been following.
ISIS?
They're called the CFR.
Council on Foreign Relations.
Oh, they're great.
They're great.
Not as good as ISIS.
No, but I really like crickets now.
I eat a lot of crickets.
They're delicious. Yes. High protein. My I really like crickets now. I eat a lot of crickets. They're delicious. Yes, I protein my kids only crickets
Mm-hmm. I only save in fiat and then I don't let my kids and my wife drive
Fiat currency. I thought you know asses just fiat currency
Well, I I am trying to save up for an actual fiat. Oh
I
Want to ask you this though because this is a problem that I've been having,
is like crickets don't shut the fuck up.
How do you get them quiet?
I buy them dead.
Oh, you're seeing.
Yeah.
To each their own, I guess.
I love my kids though.
So I have a cricket farm.
I keep the crickets in the house and they are so loud.
I mean, it's like, it's crazy.
No, we can't even have a conversation in the house anymore
because the crickets are so loud.
And when you're cooking crickets,
the other crickets that I guess see
that you're cooking their friends, they get louder.
And so it's just been like, I don't know what to do.
We have to go outside to talk.
And I'm not going to put the crickets outside because they taste different when they've
been in the Texas sun and they die out there.
That's where I get mine.
I wait till they fumigate and then when all the crickets are dead, I sweep them up.
You're going to get that is really bad.
That's got those are poison crickets.
You need fresh cricket. I'm using seed oil. So're gonna get, that is really bad. That's got, those are poison crickets. You need fresh crickets.
I'm using seed oil, so I mean, does it really matter?
Man, we need to talk after this.
You're gonna get sick.
Like that's really, you should not be,
I'll give you some of my crickets.
We have so much right now.
We have a surplus of crickets at the house.
I would love that.
I'd be happy to get rid of them.
Happy to, I'll bring it next time.
But they suck.
I mean, personality-wise, crickets suck.
They just won't shut the fuck up.
They're loud, shrill.
It's really, like, really dis...
I was hoping for a kind of like, you know, a night,
you're in the country and you hear the crickets, it's soothing.
But when they're in a box, they don't sound like that.
It's a totally different sound. It's like a scream
it sounds like
It's like the scream you would expect from something. I don't know captured by a
ancient
Super intelligence that was definitely gonna eat them
It's like they have some sense that you're gonna eat them and it's this pathetic whale
They have some sense that you're going to eat them. And it's this pathetic whale screaming against the world, screaming into the void, screaming
at the unfairness of the situation.
All they want to do is, you know, rub their stupid legs together.
Fuck.
They don't want to get eaten.
But what am I supposed to do?
You know?
You want world peace?
I want world peace, but I'm not including crickets in that.
Like I'm gonna start with my biome, okay?
And then we'll get to the other biomes.
Maybe that's a flaw in my argument,
but if I try to make peace,
no one's gonna make peace with the fucking crickets.
The new AI translation of what they're saying is fucked up.
They're assholes.
Like they are fucking eugenicist, genocidal pieces of shit.
Like listen to what any standard cricket says even when they're happy. You're out in the country
listening to crickets and you think it's like what they're saying is nice. It is not nice at all.
They're recommending a mass surveillance state. They're anti-AI. I don't know how they found out about that.
They're saying the only way to contend with AI is exactly what people like Nick Bostrom have been saying.
Mass surveillance at an unprecedented level to prevent an inevitable, horrific apocalypse when AI inevitably falls into the hands of
Someone who has the you know basic tech to bioengineer some brand new
disease
So they're just saying most the time panopticon panopticon. It's the only way it's the only way panopticon fuck them
Fuck them. I love using them for bait. I hope a
cricket's listening. I love it. I love it. I throw the fish back. That's what, that's
what I like. I like getting in the boat. I uh, so uh, what were you saying again? And then
then I toss it in and then it gets eaten by a fish and then I throw the fish back so it's like
really I'm just like feeding crickets to fish. I'm not really fishing. I don't call it fishing
anyway. I call it feeding the fish with a hook.
Now, I want to read something to you guys.
And what I just did is I seeded your consciousness. What I said might have sounded like some kind of rambling bullshit.
But what I just did was I seeded your consciousness.
You don't realize that I used a variety of techniques that I learned in the CIA to seed your consciousness with several
basic ideas.
They will grow into an idea tree.
Some of you, you might have barren dry soil.
Some of you have very fertile soil, and this is going to grow into an idea.
And so the way that I did it was, of course, wrapped up in probably the most erotic, sexy,
hot story you ever heard.
But within that story is a reminder that you are infinitely more powerful than you have been led
to believe that your number one mission in the world is to connect with your heart chakra,
to get out of your head, find that space that in Buddhism we call Bodhicitta,
the awakened mind space. You don't have to, you won't keep it going forever, but just you got to swim through the muck of all the things you've been ignoring.
You have to feel all soft and vulnerable and mushy. Nobody wants to feel that.
All of us want to be strong.
Everybody wants to be strong and not feel,
but you're going to have to do that.
And you connect to that space,
which is essentially the core of your being.
And then your job in your own way
is to spread that to people around you
in honest, authentic ways that have no agenda to make someone else better.
Shut the fuck up. Don't do that.
But so that's the idea will grow into your mind and your own. It'll come in a dream.
I don't know how it'll work for you, but and then you're gonna realize that not only are you
far more powerful than you thought, but you are co-creating the universe with God
that you have been invited not just to sit on the sidelines and watch ol' Bob Ross, creator
of time space, slap out some bullshit on a canvas while he mutters ancient scriptures
and mantras. This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by my friends at Bluetooth.
Now you all know me and you know my podcast.
I am a sophisticated, mature adult.
I could read some of the suggestions that they've offered here for me.
An ivy leaguer, someone used to be a professor at Harvard. Yeah sure I could say you ever tried to
tuck in a submarine. I could say that. I could say I've been kicked out of four museums for carrying
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I'm a sophisticated man
I'm a sophisticated man and I'm a sophisticated man. And I love it when it feels like Elon Musk is about to launch a missile out of my zipper.
I'm a mature adult, so I don't do those kinds of jokes.
And, you know, I don't want to seem judgmental.
But one thing I do love about Blu Chu
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a gavel of justice, a throbbing hammer slamming down,
nails of pleasure.
I don't know who wrote these terrible jokes.
They should be ashamed of themselves.
They should be ashamed of themselves.
I'm not going to sink to that level.
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Thank you, Blue Chu. But, in fact, you've been invited to step up to the old time-space canvas and slap out
your own art.
You get to co-create the universe with God.
Yeah, sure.
Sounds like bullshit until you explore it.
You know how crazy that is?
Getting invited into the art studio of the architect of all things.
You know how nuts that is?
I don't deserve it, you say.
I'm a pathetic little mule-ing piece of shit.
That's what I have to say to my dominatrix.
No. That's what I have to say to my dominatrix.
No, if you're here, there's something incredibly amazing about you
or you wouldn't be here, trust me.
You'd be just space rock drifting
through some bullshit nebula.
If you're here in a human body, whoo, you did some,
I mean, either You did something incredible or like your daddy got you in here maybe that
does happen from time to time. But either way, you're here.
So I don't mean to interrupt, but Spacey Gray just gave 30 memberships total. Why, that's what I'm talking about. Space Gray, are you kidding me?
Thank you so much for that, for supporting our community.
It's people like Space Gray, my friends.
People like Space Gray plant seeds in time space.
They're not afraid to step up to the divine canvas,
pick up a paintbrush and start
slapping out memberships, distributing them happily like Johnny membership seed. Seeding
YouTube with all these memberships, meaning you. 30 people will get commercial free episodes
of the DTFH access to these live feeds and I don't know what else something good I hope special
emojis, but most importantly
30 people become part
Of the grand plan towards world peace because friends
We know a few things
We know
that in the Bible
Book of Revelations talks about the great beast 666.
Talks about the dragon, the great beast.
Now I'm not saying in any way shape or form that Mr. Beast is connected to the book of revelations.
In fact, I find his content quite entertaining and my children love him. I'd
actually love to meet him one day. But to quote William Shakespeare, life is but a stage
and we are all just players on it. When we play a part, we play a part. Sometimes the part we play has to be that of protagonist and antagonist.
Now you decide who is who.
If you think Mr. Beast is the protagonist in this play, well then you self-ban for 700 years.
Maybe more. If you like Spacey Grey, understand that yours truly must bear the
weight of being the protagonist in this tragic comedy. I must bear the weight of what the silver Andrew told me regarding Mr. Beast.
I must bear the weight of gathering that many memberships.
What's Mr. Beast at now?
Go ahead and read the number, Josh.
I won't be upset, though it will make me, it will make my undergun twitch.
I have no doubt.
MrBeast is at, and this is just for one channel, 410 million.
Pfft.
Dear God in heaven.
And that's the world we live in, friends.
That's the world we live in.
We live in a world!
Where are we at now, Josh? 154,000
We live in a world where I have 154,000
And Mr. Beast
Tell me, what does Mr. Beast have again?
I must have misheard you
410 million
Mr. Beast has 410 million.
So you know the job.
And I'm sure when the Lord came to Noah and said Noah build an ark You're a drunk
But I want you to get out there build yourself up an ark
Put all the animals in this thing
Flood is coming. I'm sure that old drunk old man said I can't do that
I could barely get out of bed without shitting myself. I'm so hammered on
On liquor I can't get out of bed without shitting myself. I'm so hammered on liquor, pre-flood liquor.
Drunk, hemorrhoids flaring.
And the Lord said, I know you can do it.
You're gonna build that ark.
All the animals will come two by two up in that ark. You'll figure it out.
You'll figure it out.
Noah said, what do you mean I'll figure it out?
Look at me.
I just ate two cheese pizzas at 3 a.m.
Washed it down with beer.
How the hell am I going to build a boat?
I haven't had a bath in three weeks.
My phone got disconnected.
They had phones back then.
Because I couldn't pay my bill.
And the Lord said, I'm going to tell you how.
I'm going to give you the details, the architectural plans, and you're going to build the damn
ark. And I don't want any more out of you. I'll give you the details, the architectural plans, and you're gonna build the damn Ark.
I don't want any more out of you.
So you know the rest of the story.
Build the boat and all the animals came two by two.
Except the unicorns.
And the dinosaurs.
And all kinds of other shitty creatures.
Thought they were too fancy for that Ark.
They looked at it, took one look.
Those unicorns took one look and said, I'm not getting on that boat that ain't for unicorn where's my perfume
wardrobe people don't know that unicorns used to love to perfume their horns
lubricate them horns too you can connect the dots what they were doing to the
poor farmers back there God help you've been down to plant a seed. Now,
in the same way, I bear that very powerful weight.
I bear the weight of a mission that you can all help. You can all help. Is world peace possible?
Yes, but one thing that is standing in the way, and we all know this for sure, is the pyramid of the geese!
While all of us do our best day to day, day to day,
while all of us get out of bed, force some oatmeal down our old chapped lips,
get in the car, get to work, get the diapers changed.
The pyramid stand! The pyramid of Giza like a middle finger erupting from the Egyptian desert,
mocking every single one of us that tries to be a good dad, good mom, good worker out there, that pyramid.
Drives me wild to think it's still there. Drives me wild.
And we all know where Mr. Beast extracts his power from.
We all know what those things are for.
Those pyramids send dark energy to Mr. Beast.
They give him the energy to make the superlative content
he puts out in mass.
And energy cannot be created or destroyed, friends.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction
as long as Mr. Beast suckles at the teats of the pyramid.
All that world energy that could go to the project,
to world peace,
gets sucked into that youtube feed
That's the difference between me and mr. Beast
Once I get that many subscribers, I promise you my dear children. I'm going to distribute that energy
I'm not going to keep it all for myself for my wife
I'm not going to keep it all to make mazes to put farmers in
Humiliate them. I'm not going to use it all to make mazes to put farmers in Humiliate them. I'm not going to use it to to heal blind people
I'm not going to use to heal heal people to do all the other full of fact, whatever you call it works that he does
Prancing around helping those in need. I'm gonna use that money to blow up the pyramid of
Giza. That's the first step. We're gonna blow it up. Fill it up with Coca-Cola.
Core it out. Drill it out. Fill it up with Coca-Cola. Drop in them Mentos. And Ka-BOOM! But not just that, I have put in calls to U2.
Bono will be playing while we blow up that pyramid, potentially. We're still in
contract negotiations. One love, one light, getting down on something
in the middle of the night.
He's gonna be playing soulful, beautiful music.
Everyone will be gathered.
I have titanium nets on order.
I just need the funding and I can't get there
with the membership numbers that I have right now.
Well, Spacey Gray just gave another ten Ten more from spacey gray and I will raise you up in the armies of peace
Once I destroy that pyramid after that I will move on to other
metagalithic structures and
Finally, I am going to challenge mr. Beast
To a Jenga competition at Stonehenge
I'm gonna use the not just the Stonehenge
The Stonehenge blasphemies whatever the fuck those things are that the hippies go out to see we're gonna go to goblecky tepe
I'm gonna gather those ancient stones. They don't need to be there anymore. No one knows what they're for
And I apologize the good dr. Graham Hancock. I do love his work, but come on with we're over it now
It's time to say goodbye to whatever who gives a fuck what they were there for cares stones
Stone some silly savage scattered on the ground. I don't care anymore
Did I care for the scatterings of banana peel at the zoo
that the monkey throws down.
I don't look at banana peels that monkeys scatter about
and say, what does it mean?
Anymore than I look at go black and tepe
and think, what could that possibly mean?
I don't look out of my yard,
the scatterings of my poodle
and think what did it mean by the poop patterns?
Anymore than I look at the pyramids and say,
what could it have meant?
I tell you what it is, it's the devil's teats.
It's the devil's teats and we're gonna get rid of them.
And that's how we're gonna get world peace.
And it's people like you space it
It's people like you that feel the call
It's people like you who hear that invisible drum beat
Barely audible until you catch that tick tock a ticky tock a ticky tock of the little drummer boy playing for Jesus
One of my favorite Christmas songs. Couldn't
afford a gift for the baby Jesus and he played that drum and that baby smiled at
him. Smile from the baby Jesus is what you got today Spacey. Smile from the baby
Jesus. I want to wrap it up now for the podcast part then I'll take some questions for my dear
listeners for everyone out there thank you for participating for joining me in this journey
thank you you're part of a family, a community,
that stretches out beyond time and space itself. Every time you listen,
every time you subscribe, every time you like,
you bring us one step closer to a pyramid free world.
And you could call me a fool,
just like they probably called old drunk Noah,
and say you ain't gonna build a boat.
You just shit your pants.
You ain't gonna build a boat.
You got diarrhea in your beard.
So I'm used to the,
I'm used to it.
I'm used to it. Just like Noah. And I know you're saying, well, you never get permission for the Egyptian government to blow up one of the wonders of the
world. Let's just say I already got the permission, not from some world government, but from the one great lead over all things, the King of Kings.
When the King of Kings says you can blow up the pyramids, you can blow him up.
That being said, I want to thank the Egyptian government. We are in talks, pre-talks, I guess you could say.
They'll call me back soon.
I'm gonna blow them up.
Pyramid free world is possible.
I said that to my oldest child just the other day.
He said, Daddy, Daddy, do you really think one day
there'll be no pyramids?
I said, son.
Son, you will wake one morning and there will be no more pyramids.
And you'll feel it.
You'll know it.
I won't even have to show it.
You'll know it.
Right away.
By the way you feel that morning, you'll wake up brand new, refreshed in a way you've never
experienced.
Oh, Mr. Beast, he'll be weeping underneath a thorn tree,
won't he, with his Lunchables in hand,
chomping and chewing all of these feastables.
Not Lunchables, I'm sorry I said that.
Feastables, of course, they're actually pretty good
when you're high.
He'll be munching on them feastables under a thorn tree
while we all dance around the
scattered rubble of them pyramids with Bono.
Don't be afraid to dream.
Don't let him take that from you.
We'll see you next week.
Until then, God bless you.
Hare Krishna.
I'll take some questions.
Is there anything else I need to say?
Yeah, so people think that you got hair plugs
and that your hair looks great.
Ah, hair plugs!
Well, let me show you what happened.
You're right, I got hair plugs, but unfortunately,
I couldn't afford to fill in this.
You see that
They see it you see that bald spot you think I'm fucking hair plugs I
Got the worst kind of bald man, or is I got a mild receding hair look at this
man.
I got a mild receding hair. Look at this.
Wouldn't that be the first thing I plugged?
The reason I shaved this fucking thing
is because the bald spot.
There, I got this misshapen bald spot, man.
And from the front, it kind of looks like I have hair.
Great, now we're gonna say I got fucking hair plugs.
Great.
So what, now I have to shave my head?
They don't want you to shave your head.
Oh, you don't like the shape of my bald ass head?
No, I'm fine with it. They...
No, I wasn't talking to... I was talking to them.
So you guys don't like my...
my bald bear head?
Wow, you sound like my kids. They don't like it either.
Well, look, I do like it like this.
I just have to be the dude
with the fucking shitty crop circle bald spot.
I'll do it for you guys.
Thank you.
Me no me?
How much time do we have, Josh?
I know you got a heart out here.
We just took out another 15.
Me know me, souls are made from living plasma,
consciousness, mantids, and grays
have hijacked the afterlife and mind wipe souls
after humans die.
I mean, yeah, trust me.
I just saw that on CNN today, they were talking about that.
Spacey Gray, our new patron.
Oh!
Is that true?
What?
ImaLayma's joining Sleep.
What?
That's fucking cool.
I hope that's true. I don't know. I have no idea. One way or the other.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the way I've been doing it is just doesn't work.
So I needed to do a full rant
because I got to put like a solo episode up
on the audio stream this week.
But Johnny Pemberton is gonna be joining us on Wednesday,
which is always exciting.
M.
I don't know why I've ever since I smelled burnt toast my mouth has been doing that every once in a while
It's not weird. I think my wife burnt toast or something that
Don't know that is sweet
you guys are the best I love you so much and
Thank you again spacey gray for spreading those memberships around. Thank you for joining us.
Thank you for subscribing.
Thank you for supporting us, supporting our sponsors.
Most importantly, thank you for helping me free the world of those hideous fucking things
out there.
The worst shape is a pyramid.
I hate it.
Would have been happy if it was a rectangle or something.
Cube. Cube. See, I'm crying. I have been happy if it was a rectangle or something. Cube, cube.
See, I'm crying, I'm getting choked up.
I look at an office building, I'm like, damn,
that looks good.
Why couldn't they just do that?
A nice cube, cylinder, rectangle.
Why'd they have to do a pyramid?
You guys are the best.
God bless you.
Until next week, or actually two days from now,
see if Johnny let us go live. Hare Krishna.