Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 729: Christmas Special

Episode Date: December 21, 2025

It's Merry Season! We know you're happy, we see the deadlights in your eyes, even if you're doing weird Odin shit! Thanks for joining us for another year of the DTFH! We genuinely love and appreciate you, our precious, precious ear-bearers, and we hope you have a good holiday. We're going to take next week off for Christmas, but we'll be back for the first week of January! This episode is brought to you by: Amentara (formerly Minnesota Nice Ethnobotanicals) invites you to dive into this world of natural magic—head to Amentara.com/go/Duncan and use code DUNCAN22 for 22% off your first order!  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/duncan and get on your way to being your best self. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code DUNCAN, bet five bucks and get $200 in bonus bets if your bet wins!

Hello, and a Merry Christmas to you. This is the DTFH. Thank you all so much for joining us to those in the live audience. You especially, thank you for being here with us as we experience together. The final DTFH before our Christmas break, we're going to go dark. That's what they say in the business. Next week, we're going dark. And I just want to say to you,

I hope you have a spectacular holiday season. And isn't it fun, the holidays? Isn't it fun? What's better than the holiday vibes? Everyone's so happy right now, makes your cry. You go outside and walk around, and everyone's got a big smile on their face. And you can always tell when you go to your Christmas shopping,

everyone is so excited to be Christmas shopping right now and I love it I won't even Christmas shop I'll just go to Costco I'll just go to a target fuck it I'll go to an H-E-B and I'll just stand by the fruit or go go near the toy section I'll just just hood up and watch so if you see some dude with this hoodie on watching you. It's me. And I'm just excited for you. I just want you to know that. I'm excited for you when I walk behind you to your car. I'm excited to see you put your bags in your trunk and see that smile on your face. You look back at me with a look that I know is a smile, even though it's kind of blank and expressionless. I know you're happy. And I want you to feel happy and why wouldn't you this is christmas or whatever you celebrate know what it is

you woden night who knows maybe you're doing some odin shit i don't care as long as you've got that christmas cheer and you just saw a sample of um a christmas song that i've made especially for you my dear listeners consider this to be a christmas gift and um this song is came to me in a FedEx that I went to recently let me tell you what a great place to go

for Christmas is just any FedEx office center they are fucking great right now it is just you know what Josh just play the song

I don't want to seem like a child but I saw the devil at FedEx it wasn't in one person It was the whole fucking store Lights made me feel like I was staring Into the eyes of the dimmy urge

Everyone printing and scanning When we all should have been screaming Don't want to seem like I'm over reacting but I felt like I was taking part in some profane ritual as I inserted my card penetrating the machine with my rectangle of buying so I could print out a form and scroll my signature on it. They call this a wet signature. It has more potency than a digital signature.

And that's why FedEx is in business. Don't need a Necronomicon. To make contact with demons, just go to any FedEx, and you will meet the devil. You will meet the devil. Yeah! Fuck you, FedEx! God damn it I was doing fine

by the way I had actually manifested some Christmas cheer until I had to go to a fucking FedEx to send a form a wet signature I went in there dropped the kids off at school

I was feeling happy went in there and man it's just it's like walking into the dead lights. I think that's what they call it. And it? Just hitting a wall of oblivion.

Worse than oblivion. Oblivion, you don't know you're there. It's oblivion, but somehow you're still in it. And you go in there, you've got to print some shit out. Why don't I have a printer at home, you ask? Because those fuck up too. And in my mind, it's like, I either, like, wrestle with my printer at home, which never works.

I've smashed printers with a hammer before, no joke, back when I was having more problems emotionally regulating. And I just thought, yeah, it'll be easy. I'll go in here, I've got the thing in my email, just going to print it out. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you go in there, and you got to, you email them so you got to get you email but you got to email it right and another thing i don't like is it's implied you should just know this like you should know how this shit works by now don't you know how to do that what the fuck you go in and you it's like i don't know how to do this so you email them and then it's like within five minutes we'll send you a number and then you go

to another machine you plug the number in your fucking thing prints for whatever reason the thing it wasn't going through right and just you're and then you're forced to be in there longer and longer and i'm trying to do meta practice which is in buddhism it's a way of cultivating compassion for those around you it works really well for people like me whose hearts just go fucking numb at the one bit of bad news you know you're you work on you're you're constantly trying to do that and like i'm just trying to do like i'm trying to do and i know this is condescending I shouldn't even be doing meta for the person who works at FedEx, right? Like what?

So you're just projecting your own misery on this person. Why would they be miserable? FedEx, I'm sure it's great to work at a FedEx. But I guess I'm thinking if I was her and worked at a FedEx, I also would have the expression she had on her face, which is the expression of somebody working in the sub-basement of open AI who is just had like a super advanced general intelligence tell it some inarguable horrific reality that humans had yet to stumble upon that's a look on her face the look of someone who just realized the thing whatever the thing is the thing like when you see the senators

come out of the briefings where they've told them some shit about uap's and they have this look on their face of prof it's not even horror i don't even want to say love crafty and because eldritch horror you've gone nuts you've gone mad like it's it you're gibbering and jabbering about the things that live outside of time the senators the look on their face is something even worse than that like somebody just told them you're silly putty everything all human beings are it's just some kind of hyperdimensional bit of silly putty that some advanced intelligence has been meddling around with in a playroom somewhere inside a black hole and we're going to be discarded because they're sick of the toy like that kind of that's the look on a fedex worker's face why because

they're in the nexus they're in the fucking nexus of default reality capitalism nobody coming into a fedex is happy you're in a fucking hurry you got to overnight some shit and so These are the thoughts going through my mind. I'm just thinking about it. The fact that in our age of advanced technology where you can e-sign stuff, sometimes they don't want the e-sign. They want the wet signature, which is a disgusting way to put it. Wet. A wet signature.

I don't know why that's gross. It's salivary, you know? Some glistening wet fucking signature. By the time I sign the stupid fucking thing with my scrawl of a signature, here's where I start going nuts. If I take my iPad stylus and I sign it on the iPad doesn't count. The same exact series of hand movements that create the scrawl of my signature is irrelevantized via the stylus going into the iPad. No. It's got to be ink.

and it's got to be a pin on paper. The ink has to soak into the fucking paper. And then you're going to FedEx it overnight. And then what is going to happen? Somebody's just going to copy that. That's it. They're going to take the paper, run it through a scanner, digitize it, and it's not like they're going to like smell the signal.

Is it wet? No. so so so this is where you get stuck in in these infinite meaningless loops that create the very fabric of of so many of our lives infinite meaningless loops like pure absurdity this is what drove can move nuts because in the face of this you've got to find meaning or not so just go just become a fucking nilous piece of shit or somehow you have to find meaning and you know

I don't know if I can if I have the strength to find meaning and wet signatures at this point in my life do you? Then when you realize this is happening during fucking Christmas see it just there's a name for this I'm regressing it made me regress a little bit

back to a darker time in my life because there was a time when I hated Christmas. And just for all the reasons, all the cliche fucking reasons, everybody fucking hates it. And for a moment, it brought me back to that time. Like, this is horrible. It's the end of the year. We should all be celebrating. We should be in the streets on a variety of psychedelics.

We should be all of, no one should be working at this. point everyone should be drunk eating fucking turkey legs i know that seems like hypocrisy but fuck it i'd rather eat a hundred turkey legs that's been two minutes in a fed x right before christmas so then as i'm sort of moldering in the fed x and realizing like wow you really have a lot of shit tied up in your relationship with christmas i realize like man this is such a a a tragedy so many people so many people are miserable right now miserable this is when you got to wrap up shit at the end of the year all the stuff you you're either feeling like a like you know alone in in the most rotten way you know just in your in your house in your apartment everything's

fucking messy you i don't know you've got to help you if you just fucking had a break up right before Christmas. Oh, God damn it, that sucks. Pining! Pining in your fucking apartment! Oh, that's the worst. Or you're estranged from your family or whatever. Or, you know, you're just rushing around trying to get shit for your family taking

care of. You've got Christmas parties and all this stuff. You're trying to participate in this imaginary festival. Because, like, the idea, like, in my fantasy of, like, a true festival, it's like everyone's breathing a big sigh of relief because the year's over and now you get to chill out. Not like you're fucking racing around from Target to Costco or whatever to get shit. You're just like, all right, another year. And the whole point of the goddamn thing is the fucking son's being in a lot. asshole. Days are shorter, it's darker. In India, they have the festival of Holly, I think is

what they call it. The festival of lights, they have lanterns and colored lights and stuff because the human brain doesn't like it when it gets like this. It's, the weather's all fucking weird. Human brain doesn't like it. Human brain likes light and sun, bright things and then it's dark so you compensate by cutting a fucking tree down and hanging electric lights on it and some sad pathetic attempt to shake your fist at the infinite darkness that surrounds all things tell a story about gifts and Santa Claus or whatever and then it does make you feel a little better having a tree in your house you're kind of connected to the woods smells good but when you realize it's like all of this is being some

Byverted by some invisible fucking bureaucratic hellscape that demands wet fucking signatures in front of everything, it really can put a limp in your swagger. You know, I don't like thinking about it. But when you look at like you, you want to make something, right? Like anytime you're inspired to make anything, listen, I know you heard my song and you're thinking yourself, well, you know, I could never make anything that incredible. incredible. You probably hear my voice and you're like, oh, you know, you have the privilege to get vocal training. I can't sing like that. You sound like an angel. Like, yeah, so for you, of course, you could just make whatever you want because you're essentially a musical savant. And it's true. It's true. A icicle hit me in the head when I was a child. And after that, I started singing like

that and talking like this. It's an incredible vocal range of control. But you're can't let that stop you from from wanting when inspiration strikes just make something you're this is your this is why you're here you're not some separate thing like they want you to believe the fucking number attached to you and some dumb name that your parents gave you duncan no don't fall for that horse shit you're not some separate puzzle people scattered on the floor of some pizzeria because some kid had a tantrum because they wouldn't get him another sprite. No, you're an inextricable part of the universe. This episode of the DTFH has been brought to you.

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and then delivered them to people's homes in the dead. of winter. Yes, Santa Claus has his roots in this incredible mushroom. And I do mean incredible. Before I connected with Amantara, I'd heard about Aminita. Many people have probably heard of Aminita muscaria. But, you know, I was skeptical. It's legal. I'm going to do anything. Wow, was I wrong? Aminita is amazing. It works on the Gaba receptor. which are the same neuroreceptors that the benzos work on. And it is a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful way to commune with the true spirit of Christmas. At the right dose, Aminita can help you unwind without blowing up your sleep the way alcohol does.

It smooths out stress, settles your body, enhances your dreams, like your subconscious is putting on its very own nutcracker ballad. and it gives you a peaceful, almost jolly mood that makes sense once you realize Santa himself may have been vibing on these things. Yeah, Santa is real. Santa is real. Santa is real. Sorry, Amantara, that was not what I was supposed to say. Sent in a sinister way over and over.

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And as always, much love and happy holidays. And really, guys, do this responsibly. Thank you, Amantara. Adi-Nishina. expressing itself into time and when you get inspiration that's the universe wanting to express itself that much more yeah so maybe your inspiration is to like fart in a bag and make your friends smell it fine that's what the universe wants at that moment you're part of the universe so when you think about how in-between refined versions of creating things and inspiration,

there are probably a thousand forms that have to get filled out. Do you know how many forms had to get filled out to make closed encounters of the third kind? One of the great movies about UFOs? I can't even imagine. I can't even imagine how many forms had to get filled out. just to make there will be blood offices full of fucking people looking at wet signatures and scanning them to make that one of my favorite movies of all time when you would think about that because for me like inspiration does not strike as much as i would like it to these days i'm busy

but when it does just one little delay can fuck the whole thing up i hear the call of dark souls three i've started playing it again it's a joy And just that alone, that magnetic pull of Dark Souls 3, I could feel it right now. That's already getting in the way of the flow state. But then when I go into my studio, just a few extra things to plug in and I'll forget whatever the fuck it was I wanted to make. And then you wouldn't have gotten this incredible song about FedEx. So when you add to it, wet signatures, forms, things, fucked up lights,

having to drive to some fucking place, mail something, it's thrown in a fucking plane. You know what I mean? Like, maybe Tom Hanks should have fucking died in that show. You ever think about that? That's actually a horror movie? That's the whole point of all this.

What was that Tom Hanks movie? Castaway. the way it's a horror movie should have stayed on that fucking island he was happier there FedEx man there's the longest FedEx commercial it's ever made you know that's what

it was right yeah that was a FedEx commercial they get the job done no matter what even if you even if I lose my wife I'm bringing you this package yeah no shit that fucking beach ball that looks like the fucking face of that girl or whatever that supposedly Hillary Clinton shoot her face off yeah what is that

called why's my i gotta shave my head it's the red hand that it's supposed to be something else pull that up that volleyball from how does he not punch that guy he's like i'm her husband now you can't see her you shouldn't do that punch the guy nah sit down watch her watch her get banged down by that dude while you're on the island he was fucking jizzing all over your wife's face damn yeah that now pull up Okay, so this is, this fucking, this creepy-ass fucking thing became his friend. Wilson. Wilson became his fucking friend. And then if you can even find it, find that Pizza Gay, Hillary Clinton shit.

Find all the different versions of Wilson, because it was like a whole toy. You're not going to find it. It's not easy. You're going to have to go on like, whatever it's called, fucking secret duck. That other server, the other browser. What's it called? A duck, duck, go. Duck, Duck, Go.

It's a secret. You got to go on secret duck. There's a name for it. Wait, let's go into the chat. I'm sure they know the name of it. Billion Dollar production self-banned five minutes. I'm not Wilson. How dare you?

You're not going to find it, dude. You're not going to find it in the normal way. You've got to do a deep dive. This shit's scrubbed of this. But like all these, look at Blady Gaga's dress Wilson's hand. This all ties into some really fucked up thing, you guys.

It's not going to be there. You're not going to find it on Quora. Let me tell you. You're not going to find fucking secret rituals of the global elites on cora.com. Hold on, I'll find it for you. Let me see here. I don't save this shit. Let me find it. Hold on one second.

There's a... Chat, what is the name of that hand? There's some name of it in conspiracy circles. I love whatever you're going through there. It's called, like, it has a name. Not Wilson. Hold on. Let me look it up.

Oh, yeah. Look up Ellen DeGeneres T-shirt, Wilson Hand. Oh, yeah. This is during the pandemic, right? Yeah. The bloody hand. Yeah. it's Wilson

remember when it was like really like in to wear these fucked up like demonic things like all of us like right around the pandemic oh that's what it was it's a reference to frazzled drip yeah pull up an image search for this yeah baby frazzle drip you know even this is gonna be hard some piece of shit made a t-shirt

protect children t-shirt that's the stupidest t-shirt ever saw my fucking life like yeah that's like saying don't don't catch on fire oh that's the jZ one oh yeah yeah yeah yeah

what the fuck what the fuck I mean maybe just you know that like wearing a weird ass fucking demonic thing on your shirt is going to freak out stoners that's where I try to be optimistic about it. It's like they're just fucking around.

The artist was the deceased boyfriend of Madonna. Ah, see, so it's fine. It's fine. Just take it all down. That's fine. That means it's fine. It's fine. Who was Madonna? Look up Madonna's deceased boyfriend. How did he die? Madonna's boyfriend's

deceased that died. I'm getting off track here. Mark Kamins died of a heart attack. Could have been Martin Burguyen. He died from an AIDS-related illness. Let me see if it was this guy. Mark Kamens. He seemed fun.

He seems like a fun dude. Rest in peace, Mark Kamens. Get the fuck off this. I didn't mean to go into Frazzle Drip. You know, the problem is, inevitably, you find yourself in a difficult predicament if you exist in modern times, which is you either have to like actively ignore things that are happening in the world you think if you want to be happy, or you have to open yourself fully to the totality of all. data that you can take in. I'm not saying you shouldn't curate what data you take in, but surely the answer to dealing with the absurdity that seems to go hand in hand with modernity is not to turn yourself into an oath, to ignore it, to not allow yourself to feel completely the sort of

weird horror when you recognize the amount of minutes and hours in your life that will be spent on forms. You must deal with that. You don't want to do the thing people do when they're in horrible situations and just disassociate, which I think is why so many people have turned into sort of machines that are just pure reaction you know it's easier that way habit and reaction that's one way to get out of the problem you know you want to you want to go to the happy place when you're at the fedex you know just numb down don't even be there just turn into a robot a signing robot or you have to find meaning in the absurdity this is this is camus this is existentialism first First, you have to see it plain, then you do the pull-up, the philosophical pull-up, if you will, and you find some kind of meaning.

And what is the meaning? You're not going to find it in a form, are you? You're not going to find it filling out some stupid form. You could try to go tick-not-hawn, I guess. You could recognize that the paper used to be a tree, and the ink, in the pen was created somewhere by people. and the pin and all the people and the shit and like all the interconnectedness you can see interconnectedness

but that's not going to save you from absurdity you know what I mean you zoom all the way back you're in some spatula in a dumpster you don't want to be some discarded spatula I don't care how interconnected you are so that's not the answer is it no

I don't think so you have to find meaning and that that brings us to the spirit of Christmas Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, but I didn't... Wait, we'll do that after I get through the... This is a hump.

This is like, in public speaking, you do this part, and then you get to the other part, the catharsis. You see, but first you have to illustrate the issue here. The issue is, on one level, the holidays are like a steaming pile of basil... Beaselbub, the fly demon. I believe he's a fly. Can you pull up a picture of Bezlebub, Bezlebub?

I mean, one of my favorite, as far as names go, of a demon is Beaselbub. Oh, yeah, there you go. Bezlebubb. He looks like his name. If that was my kid, I'd probably name it Beelzebub. Beelzebub. Let's pull his Wikipedia. I wouldn't want to step in a.

a pile of Beelzebub shit. Here we go. Beelzebub, Beelzebub, Beelzebel, and occasionally known as the Lord of the Flies is a name derived from the Philistine God formerly worshipped in Ekron and later adopted by some Abrahamic religions as a major demon. That's probably an exciting day when you're a demon and you're like, I'm a major demon now. They just, they promoted me.

Beaselbub is known in demonology as one of the seven deadly demons or seven princes of hell. Beaselbub represents gluttony and envy. The dictionary infernal describes Beaselbub as being capable of flying, known as the Lord of the Flies. Lord of the Flyers are the Lord of the Flying Demons. He's also referenced in the well-known novel Lord of the Flies by William Golding due to his ties to hell and themes from the book. The source for the name Beaselbub in the book of kings written by. Bezalbv, referring to a deity worshipped by the Philistines in the city of Ekron. Fucking Ekron, we worship Beaselbub.

This is Ekron, bitch. The passage notes that King Ozzya of the northern kingdom of Israel, after seriously injuring himself in a fall, sent messengers to inquire of Beaselbub, the god of the Philistine city of Ekron, to learn if he would recover. Fucking people were really stupid back then. Send the messenger!

job to send a messenger to Akron and see if he could ask his bee god if my wound will heal. Al Zayah fell through a lattice in his upper chamber at Samaria and was injured. How do you do that? What's you doing up there? How do you fall through a lattice, you clumsy shit? Isaiah, what the fuck are you doing up there? So he sent messengers and we instructed, go inquire of Baselbub, the god of Ekron, whether I show her a girl. from this injury. It's like a weird dream, you write down. Elijah then condemned Isaiah to die by God's words because I say,

this is hilarious because Isaiah sought counsel from Beaselbub rather than from God. Like you think it can't get worse. You fall through your lattice. You get a messenger to go ask the, a fucking bee demon if your wound's going to heal. And then this motherfucker curses you to die because you ask the wrong God if your bone's going to get better.

An angel of God said to Elijah the Tishbite, go and confront the messages of the king of Samaria and say to them, is there no God in Israel that you would go and inquire to Bezobb, the god of Ekrod? Assuredly thus, said God, you shall not rise from the bed you are lying on, but you shall die.

Wow. That's the dumbest story ever in my fucking life. I don't even know how to do like a Joseph Campbell on that and make it like a multi-layered message. That's just stupid. Can you pull up lattice for me, Josh? Because I need to understand what the fuck he fell through before he can break this story down. Ladis. Is it on here? Just Google Latus. I mean, I... Ladis. L-A-T-I-C-E. not lettuce lattice a repeating regular arrangement of pointers so it's like a fence it's like some

shitty roof i guess he just climbed up there to what i want to know that story that's a problem with the bible they leave the important parts out a framework of crisscrossing strips used for privacy look up lattice roof what's he doing up there oh there you're go. So he just climbed up on his roof, probably wanted some bathing or something, fell through, broke his leg, didn't know if he's going to get better, couldn't deal with the suspense, sent somebody to go talk to a fly demon. Another dude found out and was like, what the fuck, man, that's the, you should come directly to my God, not that fly demon. The point is, to get back to absurdity. First, you have to,

acknowledge what's happening around you. Don't ignore it. Let yourself do the basic bitch analysis of Christmas. It sucks. Don't trick yourself. Even if it is great, it's like the amount of energy that you're putting into getting a few jolly, cozy feelings seems not worth it. The ticket price is too high to get a few, like, mellow feelings. so let yourself feel all that shit i guess that's the first answer and then at some point as you

cross that abyss as you as you confront the reality that in in the reality tunnel that most people seem to be hanging out there's a kind of enforced law that you're supposed to be all fake smiley and shit and give gifts and this is the giving time then once you recognize that that's where you start realizing yes so what i mean it sounds so i'm going to just like this is like a high school observation but at some point you realize the material world is not going to make you happy that's the reason everyone's seemingly so miserable around Christmas isn't stressed out, is it's like there's some expectation that the result of this holidays you're going to feel better, you're not. It's not going to make you feel better.

Nothing will, in fact, in the material world. And that's where you get into the true spirit of Christmas. But to get there, you can't get there by being some dumb fucking shithead thinking if you turn your Christmas music up louder, you'll feel better. It's not going to work. You can't enjoy Christmas music until you cross the abyss, friends. And across the abyss, you've got to stare Wilson right in his bloody fucking eyes. You got to acknowledge the fact that there could be a very real possibility that what we know of is reality is similar to the internet. The thing we call the internet, it's not the fucking internet.

It's the tip of the iceberg. There's all kinds of things that, The web crawlers don't identify. It's called the Dark Web! Similarly, we might all just be living in the Google Internet. You know, we go to the same places. We take the same route to go wherever the fuck we're going. We're in this kind of very small little loop.

That is a socioeconomic loop, because there's other places we'd like to go, but we can't. we don't have the money we've got to fucking pay our mortgages and our rents and there's no way out of that really there's no way out of it and maybe the reason that we are confronted with people begging at overpasses is maybe the reason that this you would think in a in a country like America you could easily take care of that shit maybe the the reason it's not taking care of. It's not because it's an unfixable problem, because you need a constant reminder to everybody in the part of the hive that we're in, if you take a few wrong

turns, that's where you end up. So get in line, bitch! Maybe that's why it's there. A sort of like, yeah, look, look what can happen to you if you don't do everything right and fill out your fucking forms and send them in on time. That could happen to you. And so, maybe, maybe, You have to deal with the fact that outside of what you know of as a reality, there's a whole other game going on. There's people flying right above you right now in a private plane, eaten foie gras, drinking champagne. They've got four pounds of cocaine, the likes of which you will never have the

pleasure of insulfating. And nobody is going to arrest them for that. They're just flying it to wherever their chateau is for a nice Christmas party. And maybe when they're at the Christmas party, they're going to eat the face off a child. That's just part of the fun. I don't know if it's true. I hope not, but why not? And we get to just peer through this little keel. And the the world that we're in. So first, you must deal with that. I guess you have to go full dark. You have to imagine that horrors beyond your comprehension are happening at every moment just outside your periphery. You won't see it. You're not ready for it. You pee on! You could never understand why we have to chew the faces off children from Bazelbub. And so,

you have to allow yourself to just deal with the fact, well, if it's, maybe that's not the case here on planet Earth, but we live in an infinite universe, wouldn't surprise me if there's some planet full of demons hatcheting the heads off of infants just for fun. And then, once you allow yourself to go all the way dark, then that's where you can find the Christmas spirit. Now, that brings me to the part of where I wanted to, talk about the polar express the polar express is a kid's book and maybe you've seen the movie with tom hanks uh now in this kid's book uh basically this kid fucking goes on a train in his pajamas and the train takes him to the north pole yeah pull up pull up the picture from the polar express there's tom hanks good man and um the kid gets taken on a train to the North Pole where spoiler by the way, skip ahead

if you were planning on watching the Polar Express which happens to be re-released in the theaters right now he goes to the North Pole on this train filled with kids their parents don't even fucking know they're on the train. Their parents are fucking sleeping. They're on some fucking train.

Can you pull that picture of Tom Hanks again? This episode of the DTFH has been supported by my friends at Better Help. Listen, the holidays can be really hard on people. Even if you're surrounded by friends and family, you're still dealing with all the weird stress and pressure that emerges during the holidays. but you might be somebody out there like me who gets a little weird when the seasons change. And listen, I know I've said it a million times, therapy works. It work for me. It can work for you.

And if you're someone who gets depressed or freaked out or weirded out during the holidays, you should think about giving yourself the gift of therapy from better help. I'm sorry, but I don't want to be messing with Christmas traffic. and holiday traffic when I'm going to therapy. Better help fixes that. You can do it all from your own home. They match you with a great therapist. You just fill out a questionnaire.

You can change the therapist at any time. So you don't have to go through what can happen when you're looking for a therapist. So you drive to some therapist. You're like, we're not vibing. And then you've got to drive to another. And you know what? If you're somebody struggling, that can be enough to make you just check out of doing therapy at all. It's a genius way of getting people to help they need.

This December started a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash duncan. That's betterhelp.com slash Duncan. Thank you, BetterHelp. There you go. Oh, why the Polar Express 2 is taking so long. I'm sorry. Tom Aanks is the conductor in the movie The Polar Express, but I'm sorry.

Like, if I found out my boy got on a fucking train with that motherfucker, I would be pissed. I would be pissed at him. I'd be pissed at my kid. Do not in your pajamas? Who is that guy? Why is he hauling kids around? Without fucking, like, what?

Did you tell him you have allergies? Anyway, the point of the Polar Express is the train takes a bunch of kids to the North Pole and

it's filled with elves and then I guess Santa picks one fucking kid every year and that kid gets anything you want and this kid he asks for a bell

from one of the reindeer's like one of the their jingle bells or whatever it's like he knows he could get anything you wanted anything he could have asked for like a thousand bitcoin this is this fucking he asked for a bell and uh Santa cuts a bell off a reindeer and the kid pockets the bell here's the spoiler the bell falls out of the kid's pocket so he gets on the train he realizes he lost the bell

he had a hole in his fucking pocket and he gets back home and what do you know there's a little present there with the bell in it but guess what his parents can't hear the bell

only like people who believe in Christmas can hear that jingling of that bell and even as he got older his sister stopped hearing the bell but he never stopped hearing the Christmas bell now can you pull up what demons are associated with bells

yeah I was hoping something creepy would come up it's to banish demons it says shut the fuck up anyway the point is you can't hear the bell in FedEx you want to hear that jingling sweet fucking bell you're not going to fucking hear it until you understand

that you you can feel any way you want to feel that's the essence of the thing that's how you combat the absurdity you can actually imagine just for shits and giggles that in fact you have been wrapped in the coils the serpentine

coils of the demiurge just for fun i'm not saying that's what's happened that you have been enfolded in an infinite field of personified illusion that has as its number one goal that the the that is trying to distract you, confuse you, and most importantly, undermine your ability to recognize how much power you have in the universe. That's the only power it has. It can't stop you because you're madder, and it's just a phantasmal fucking thing. And what it wants you to do is to feel despair. That's what it wants.

It wants you to feel beaten down. down. It wants you to feel hopeless, useless, and completely lost. That's its goal. That's all it wants to do. It wants you to feel distracted. It wants you to go down as many dead ends as it can possibly get you to go down. Now, you'll know what I'm talking about if you've ever dealt with the VA. When you have a parent who is in the military, who is dying, have some fun by working with a VA to try to get your parents some fucking help and you'll understand what I'm talking about. Infinite forms. And you'll find it too. Like if you go to see, like when my dad was passing, there's many sad things about it, but one of them was the stack of forms that he had been

attempting to fill out to get help from the VA. What ends up happening with the bureaucracy when it comes to things like the VA or health insurance is that the more forms you make sick people fill out, the less likely it is that they'll survive to where you actually have to pay to get the medical care. It's an accident! We didn't mean it like that. It just happens that if you send a senior citizen a fucking manila envelope filled with forms

demanding that they go to a FedEx to fucking get wet signatures on shit and send it when they can't fucking breathe, the odds are pretty good that they're going to kick the bucket before you have to pay money and you save so much money that way. it's an accident but you save tons of money so imagine that that is just one of the many

manifestations of this thing that we've all been trapped inside of and then that's where you will stumble upon what camu had stumbled upon which is this spirit of rebellion you realize like oh that's all you got yeah sure i'm a hamster in some kind of fucking hyperdimensional maze running from form to form working 40 hours of fucking week working working working working work so I can retire but the retirement age keeps going up and by the time I can even fucking retire I'm not going to be able to see or think the only joy I'll have in life is taking benzos and watching golf so you recognize that and it will fill you with a kind of spirit the Christmas spirit it'll fill you with the realization that in the midst of it all, you can still find joy, happiness

in the little things, not the big things, in color, and sound, and smell, and your feet touching the ground. And then, instead of referring to the external, coiled, scaled, pulsating, Feaselbub you might be trapped into, hoping for some happiness, hoping that the demon raises one of its meaty fucking flaps up and let you suckle on its nipple, which fills your mouth with synthetic garbage that's supposed to make you feel better. New cars, a better apartment, a better house, better clothes, new boyfriend, new girlfriend, a six-pack. Whether it's your stomach or an actual six-pack, you find something primary that you can make contact with. And then when you find that primary thing, that fucking serpent has no more power over you,

which is where Camus points out quite brilliantly that Sisyphus, who is doomed to push a boulder up a hill and watch it roll back down for eternity, was more powerful than the gods, because Sisyphus in the midst of such absurdity could smile, could find meaning in it, could make his own meaning, my friends. That's how you hear the fucking bell! And that's the Christmas spirit. So I want to invite all of you

if you're interested in participating in a little experiment, a little bit of, culture jamming I guess you could say just even if you're too busy to do it especially if you're too busy to do it I want you to go to your local FedEx I want you to go

to the computer terminal there it's a little cubicle scan your card you have to do five dollar increments and I want you to subscribe to the DTFH on YouTube from a FedEx go in there and don't in the whole time I want you to to smile but not fake smile I want you to exude authentic joy and happiness as you subscribe to my podcast and like that thumbs up thing down there. And then if you do that, you will participate in an open rebellion against

the forces of evil that are actively attempting to subvert what is so special about humanity itself. And all of this is expressed plainly in the pyramids. Now, if you really want like get a taste of what I'm talking about the Demi urge before you go and do this little experiment I want you to go to Mr. Beast's page what how many subscribers does he have now Josh I know you're up to 162 now yeah baby it's working and he's at 454 million Oh, he has another pyramid one. Yeah, what do you know? Can you just pull up that?

Don't play the fucking video. I'm sure if you play the video. Just don't. He's a power. He's powerful. Just as you guys know, I have no ill will towards Mr. Beast. Any more than I have ill will for Voldemort or, you know, he's a wizard. He's a very, very powerful warlock.

I understand that. I see you, Mr. Beast. I know what you are. He's a wizard. But do be a favor, Josh. Just take a screenshot of that and enlarge it. Yeah, I just want to point some things out here. And get the title to, I'll say the title.

It doesn't matter. Pull that screenshot up for me here. Let's break this down real quick. Because he sends messages to us, right? What do you know? A fucking Ziggurat. Here we have a thumbnail for those of you listening of Mr. Beast. he's wearing a referee outfit he's standing in front of a ziggarot the ziggarot is being

like climbed on by a bunch of people in red jumpsuits and they're trying to get to a private jet at the top of course mr beast is inadvertently in this moment created the perfect symbol for capitalism here you have literally the perfect personification embodiment of the idiot race that all of us are engaged in on a daily basis. Mr. Beast, of course, in this case, it's not Mr. Beast. The referee outfit represents the sum total of all the powers and principalities that create the rule set within which we must operate as we clamber to the top of an idiot ziggurat in the hopes of having our own private plane.

what's the title of that one josh 100 pilots fight for a private jet there you go 100 pilots fight for a private jet so this my friends is why number one we have to recognize anytime mr beast uses pyramid symbols it is a direct pushback against the global movement that we are all participating in known as operation beast blast and what what we're doing here and you're part of it thank you for being here thank you for listening is we are going to get more subscribers than mr beast on the d tfh youtube we're going to do it we're going to do it and the more subscribers we get the more fun we're going to have because the more subscribers you get that means that the algorithm suggests your podcast to more people and that means

normies are going to start showing up here in the comments in the three three thread. And the normies are going to say things like, what? W-U-T? What the fuck? That's fun. That's just part of the fun. The real fun starts when we exceed Mr. Beast's subscriber numbers and begin generating the revenue he generates every month from YouTube, which has got to exceed the gross capital of most countries. Billions, trillions, I don't know, enough to buy the pyramids. That's all that matters. Then what are we going to do? We're going to buy the fucking pyramids. I'm already in negotiations with Egypt. They're very open, but they're not cheap. Of course, the pyramids. And then we're going to cut the fucking capstone right off the top of the

fucking pyramids. That's what we're going to do. And we're going to fill the fucking pyramids with Diet Coke. I'm not sure if you put the Mentos in first or the, or the, or the, the, I think you put the Diet Coke in. I've been talking to physicists, I've been talking to technicians, I've been talking to archaeologists, trying to get Graham Hancock on board. We're going to fill it up with soda. And we're going to dump Mentos into the fucking pyramids, and we're going to blow those motherfuckers up at the biggest festival this world has ever seen.

No more pyramids. Gone. And this will be. the event that catapults our planet into a state of perfect global harmony and consciousness because the pyramids are the reason things are so fucked up right now it's not the president it's not the economy it's not russia it's not ukraine it's not LGBTQ it's not straight people it's not white people black people it's not jews it's not palestinians it's the fucking pyramids. The pyramids are basically the dog shit on the shoe of planet Earth.

If you ever had that experience, you step in dog shit, then you're driving. You're like, what the fuck, man? What does my car smell like this? What the fuck is that? You drive for a while. You're like, did someone shit in my fucking car? Fuck, you turn the air conditioner on? Is there mold or something? And then it occurs to you, oh, I have dog shit on my shoe, and now it's all over my fucking car. That's the pyramids. Subtle, but not so subtle. Really? You're just going to let those things exist sitting out there?

We don't know who made them. Why they made them? There's theories. The fucking hippies think the aliens did it, or they levitated them with sound? Who gives a fuck? I don't care how they fucking made them any more than I care to see the video of the dog shitting the shit that's on my shit. shoe. I don't care how the sausage gets made, baby. If it's dog shit, it's dog shit and we get rid of dog shit. Scoop it up, put it in the bag. Don't leave that in my yard, you asshole. And

don't do the thing where you weirdly scoop your dog shit up and put it in the bag and then leave the bag on the side of the road. What the fuck is that? Throw it away. Thank you, Draft Kings, for supporting the DTFH. It's the fight nobody saw coming. Jake Paul versus Anthony Joshua. I'm watching that. Live on Netflix, December 19th, Two worlds collide in the ring,

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CDKNG.c.c.com.co. slash audio limited time offer thanks draft kings we are going to throw away the dog shit of the pyramids and we're going to do it within the next 3,000 years based on how many subscribers I'm getting to this podcast

Guys, we got to pick it up. You got to pick up the pace. I know some of you are out there. Some of you are doing rallies now. I appreciate that. It's not enough. The rallies need to be bigger. You could do better.

For those of you are doing nothing, then the next time some horrible fucking thing happens in the world. You're going to have to look yourself in the fucking mirror and think, well, I didn't like that podcast. I didn't subscribe. I didn't participate in Beast Blast in the pyramids. are still here. You don't want to be that person, do you? You don't want to be that person.

I don't. I won't be. I sleep like a baby at night. Fucking baby. Wake up screaming and fall back to sleep. And you could sleep like that too. Because you know you were participating. You know that when your grandkids say,

did you have anything to do with Operation Beast Blast? You're going to be like, yeah, I was one of the originals. I was there from the beginning. I organized my own rally. I created my own art. I created my own posters and flyers and graffiti. And I put it all over my town.

Operation Beast Blast. I was part of it. It's more than a religion. It's more than a church. It's the future manifesting in the now, and I want you to be one of us. I'm talking to you, specifically you. The person who accidentally stumbled upon this fucking podcast and you've made it this far and you're thinking to yourself, I don't know why I feel like I'm part of this.

It's at first I just thought, what? Now I'm like, whoa, this is something bigger than I thought. Yeah, it is. It is. It's a global movement. We're going to say fuck you to wet signatures. We're going to say, fuck you. you to meaningless trips to places to fill out forms we're going to say fuck you to the dmv

we're going to say fuck you to the hive of bureaucrats currently sapping the life energy from our species like a giant fucking beaselbub with its probiscus jammed up some poor man's asshole penetrating deep in. Think of the Mr. Hands video. And we're going to do that symbolically by blowing up the fucking pyramids. That's what it all comes down to. I wake up in the morning

and I think to myself, I'm going to blow up the pyramids in this lifetime. I can't do it alone. I'm just a man. I'm a simple man with a dream, and I need your help. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah, happy holidays, happy Saturnia, whatever dark gods you pray to, may they accept your offerings.

But how can you really enjoy the holiday season? if you have not joined us something to think about something to think about do you hear the bell dinga linga linga I hear it

did you hear that if you didn't then you're not committed fully to this operation may God be with you Thank you so much for listening to the DTFH, for bearing with us through our many trials, tribulations, and changes, for understanding that no matter what form this podcast takes, it has and will remain the same, an arrow, an arrow in the quiver of God that will be used to launch a volley of sacred missiles right into the heart of evil on this. planet which are the fucking pyramids i love you merry christmas any other questions about oil i got to get out of here and go have my dog's anal glands extracted i'm not even joking i got to go get my fucking dog's butt squeezed you know how much that sucks for you or the dog both oh You have to get your dog's butt squeezed sometimes.

I don't know. Just at this point, my wife is so pregnant, anything she wants I'm doing. And so just there's things that I have to do. And yesterday, she informed me that the dog's butt had to get squeezed. Oh, my fucking God. I got to go to a vet with Palmer and he's going to squeeze whatever the fuck is in her butt out. It's some kind of glandular shit. Have you ever heard of this, Josh?

Isn't it called exfoliating? Can you pull up on YouTube? Let's just pull it up. YouTube anal gland extraction dogs. Just a good way to wrap up the Christmas special. Yeah. How to Express Dogs' Anal Glands. There we go.

Express them. Oh, you could do it at home. What do you want me to play it? Guys, don't play the sound. Seriously, don't watch this. I'm just warning you now. Play the, I want to play the music. Oh, we're cutting.

this. We're going to cut this part. Yeah, but we're live right now. Okay, I just want to hear what music. That dog looks like it's about to have its anal glands extracted. How can I expressly dog's anal glands or can this be done at home? Who picked this music? This poor dog. Yeah.

Yeah. Somehow it knows. It's like what the fuck is this? It feels like casting couch. Oh, Josh. No, you didn't. No, Josh. There are the glands Oh

Dr. James Basharin You could do it at home I'm not going to do it I couldn't do it They got two I think we only got one Yeah There we go Hey Ontario

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Oh, man, this is going to be disgusting. Yeah, thick fingers. This is going to be disgusting. Oh, no, please don't do it. Oh, my God, why are you doing it? No, no, no. That's it? Oh, look, he has shame now.

Yeah, no shit. Up. Ah. God damn it, I don't want to do it. I just want to play Dark Souls 3, man. I don't want to do it. No. God, I'm glad they didn't see it.

Why did it look like worms? It looked like worms and pus coming out. It was, oh. Damn. Fuck that! Oh Are you going to do it at home? No!

Okay. Maybe I'll just have the dog put down. He would like that more. Just kill me. Oh, God. Bethany, 2604 says, wait until you smell it. I lost my smell from COVID. That's a superpower.

Hopefully I won't smell it. Listen, I'll tell you what I'm going to do for all of you today. When I get my dogs, anal glands, expressed, there had to have been a better name for that than express,

like they have something to say. I'm going to be happy. I'm not going to let the dimmy urge ruin my fucking Christmas by sending me on this horrific mission? Yeah, sure. I've got an incredible build going on in Dark Souls 3 right now. Let me just put it that way.

It's a strength build, and I've gotten good. I can parry now. And sure, I could be fucking doing what I need to be doing, which is fucking up the undead settlement. I could be fucking putting my goddamn souls into vitality, getting my HP up, getting my strength up. So I could use this big-ass fucking frost hammer from Vort. That's the mission I should be on.

But the Demyurges sent me on a different mission, which is I have to get my dog's anal glands expressed. And Dimeurge, you're not going to get me down. I'm going to smile the whole time. I'm going to smile a big, true smile, to the point where probably the vet is going to look at me like, you fucking sick of. but I'm going to have a holy smile on my face

because my dog's anal glands there's a lot in there right now and I'm going to have a holy smile on my face because even though the room will be filling up with a pungent waft of whatever the fuck is in a dog's anal glands I know that I am working towards a pyramid-free planet for you, for my children, for my children's children, and for all humanity.

And I'm not going to let some fucking white shit spraying out of my dog's butt hole get me down. Because I hear the bell. I hear the bell even when my dog's asshole is being squeezed. Even then. And I hope you hear it too.

Merry Christmas, y'all. I love you. We're going to be dark next week. And then we're going to be back. It's a new year. Don't let the dimmerege get you down. You can do the existential. pull up, I believe in you. You can do it. This can be the greatest Christmas you ever had

in your life. I love you. Even if you feel alone right now, you can find the sound of that bell. Do you hear it ringing? I do. Until next time, happy holidays.